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Transcript of The Beginning After -Csp Proof-12!24!13(1).PDF-cdekey Jgrzivihzcmzvt2de6asdj76xcckdqx5
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THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
1
Hafsa Idrees
The Beginning
after
the End
-
HAFSA IDREES
2
Copyright 2013 by Hafsa Idrees
PUBLISHED BY: Published by Hafsa Idrees through CreateSpace, in association but no finan-cial affiliation with EynhallowBooks, 2013.
Book Cover Design Roy Eynhallow, 2013.
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights un-der copyright reserved above, no part of this publi-cation may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photo-copying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owners and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
3
Hafsa Idrees
The Beginning
after
the End
Published in association with
-
HAFSA IDREES
ISBN-13: 978-969-9974-00-7
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
5
Dedicated to my parents
who taught me the meaning of life
and to everyone who wants to
heal the world with me!
-
HAFSA IDREES
6
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
7
Acknowledgements
To my Creator, Guardian & Protector,
For everything.
To my parents,
For the support, love, care, understanding and all
the sacrifices. For feeding me and checking up on
me when I almost forgot to take care of myself.
For appreciating even my negatives & giving me
the best lap to rest in and relax.
To my editor Vlad Mackevic (a.k.a. Roy Eynhallow)
For helping, guiding and supporting me more than
he could. For being there to answer my stupidest
questions and correcting the silliest typos. For his
polishing feedback, appreciation, all his time and
friendship.
To my best friends and siblings,
For picking on me. For supporting me, telling me
that I am special, loved and one in a million and for
cheering me up in my saddest times. I love you all.
-
HAFSA IDREES
8
To my Colleagues,
For helping me with the things I got stuck with.
For suggestions, encouragement, back stabbing, leg
pulling and support.
To all my author friends from all over the world,
For the friendship, guidance, motivation and ap-
preciation. I have met and become friends with
some of the most amazing people who love me,
respect & value for what I am.
And to everyone else I could thank for many things
but space and time convinces me to stop here.
Thank you for being there!
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
1
1
MY EYESIGHT WAS GLUED to the painting
hanging over the wall and my mind was stuck in
the memories. I did not realize I was standing and
staring at the ceramic images absent-mindedly for
the past half an hour. Soon after realizing it, I
shrugged and started walking towards the left of
the gallery, sometimes staring and sometimes mere-
ly glancing at the paintings hanging over the walls
and placed on the tables. My mind was still there, in
my past, and it was so hard to shake off the memo-
ries and synchronize it with my present or with the
atmosphere I was currently in.
Oh! That one! What a masterpiece!!!
My ears could register such voices around me.
I so want to buy this one but it is expensive!
I was walking forward and hearing such expres-
sions, or rather wishes people had after seeing such
splendid artwork.
Can we also buy these? The material seems durable,
somebody muttered to someone standing beside
her just at the instant I crossed them. I was trying
-
HAFSA IDREES
2
my best not to give any impression that I was lost.
There were a lot of people at the exhibition who
knew me, so wearing a smile, though a fake one,
was something mandatory, indispensable if I want-
ed to avoid, or be away from any sort of conversa-
tion or interrogation. In short, avoid being no-
ticed.
A few days ago, I had got an invitation to be at
the exhibition of Patrick Forbes paintings in the town. Seymour Forbes was a very good friend of
my father and his son Patrick was a talented paint-
er. They knew that I loved the paintings and that I
would have a great time visiting the gallery. I had to
be there as I also wanted to spend a day out. My
temperature was stable in the morning when I left
but now I was feeling terribly sick.
Why did the sunset scene in that picture over
there grab me? I asked myself. Maybe because I
love those shades and deeming hues and I can feel
how exactly it feels to say Goodbye?I did indeed
say goodbye to Allan. I did, I did, I did! I repeated
this in my mind incessantly.
Everything was so messed up in my head. Grrh,
Chrissie, youve gone crazy! I thought.
Goodbye could stand for starting a new day or
not starting anything at all. I was talking to myself
and was trying to figure out where I was standing
and what I had become since I excluded Allan from
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
3
my life. Sometimes in life, you do come across the
moments when you terribly want to cage up some
flashes and preserve that memory eternally in a
time capsule. But this just does not happen. You
have that feeling to experience so that you could
cherish it afterwards. I will add the word repent
to it. Sometimes it is not always about cherishing.
You have to let go. Holding on can be way more
painful than moving on but one can visit the past
occasionally (certainly not to remain in it but just to
keep it alive). The notion of keeping it alive or bur-
ying it also varies from experience to experience
and from person to person. Keeping it alive at
times is excruciating and the memories torture you
in a way that you ache to have them again exactly
the same or you remorsefully regret for creating or
saving those flashes. My mind was thinking and
coming up with the question marks too rapidly, ac-
cusing and excusing, giving reasons and justifying,
sometimes feeling pity and being sympathetic. It
always works this way. Thinking about my past is
my favorite hobby. When I am not found any-
where, I am actually there and it is not in terms of
physical existence, obviously. In the physical world,
I knew where I was. In the world of my thoughts, I
was lost.
I came out of the main exit door of the gallery.
Aaahh! I took a deep breath, then closed my eyes
-
HAFSA IDREES
4
and opened them again. The sky was clear. There
were not many people around. Most of them were
probably inside the gallery. I started dragging my-
self to the parking area. I was walking slowly. It was
crowded by now. I am numb, I thought to my-
self.
*
If all the rules were meant to bend,
And you swore you were my friend,
Now Ill have to start all over again.
Cause no ones going to take your place
And Im scared Ill never save;
All the pieces of a love we made.
And Im so sorry; its not like me,
Its maturity that I am lacking so dont
Dont let me go, just let me know
That growing up goes slow!
The lyrics were playing in my head; echoing
again and again. It was one of my favorite tunes. I
always felt that these lyrics were written for me.
This Sad Song never gets old. Every time I listen
to it, I feel and enjoy it with the same energy. I
never get bored of the composition, lyrics, vocals,
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
5
music, or anything about it. It takes me to another
world. Lying on my bed, I could see the moon
through my window trying to pierce through the
clouds and scatter silver light all around, cover the
sky with glitter and pollute the darkness. The sky
was clear and I had always adored such a sight of it.
The night had covered the world. I could feel my
heart throbbing sensationally. Feelings certainly
have no restrictions, no boundaries, and no limits.
They dominate you at times and control you irre-
sistibly. Another day in despair was ending. Crying
does not help in anyway. It makes sadness linger
and elevates the intensity of the pain. When you
cry, you get to feel the pain way more deeply and
closely. And it certainly never helps. I could feel
something so quiet inside me wanting to scream at
the top of its lungs. But it would not help either. I
was feeling a constriction in my chest; that very
something in my throat and a defeated heartbeat.
My head was spinning. My temperature was unsta-
ble. Never taking my eyes off the moon, I put a pil-
low over my midriff. Everything around was ap-
pearing vague. Soon, the glitter of the moon started
pinching into my lens so I closed my eyes again. I
tried to see the hands of the clock, where they were
exactly, but I could only see the blackish yellow
square box hanging on the wall. I was tired and it
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HAFSA IDREES
6
was so hard to keep my eyelids open. They were
heavy.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
7
2
I DID NOT KNOW when I dozed off; when my
heavy swollen eyes with purplish shadows under-
neath just snapped shut. Since lately, it was usually
very hard for me to catch sleep this easily but the
medicine I took was incredibly helpful. Soon after
lying comfortably on my bed and closing my eyes,
thinking of the dark black space, I was sleeping like
a baby doll.
A shrill chirrup threw me back into reality. As I
was struggling to get my phone, my hand caught
the glass placed over the side table and it fell down
onto the carpet, spilling the water that I had not
drunk last night. I succeeded somehow in grabbing
the handset as the ringtone was irritating me too
much. It was just like somebody hammering on my
head.
Hello? Yes? I uttered in a feeble torn up voice
without looking at the name on the screen. I could
feel my throat was horribly scratchy.
Hi, Chrissie! How are you? Still sleeping? Have
you seen the time?
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HAFSA IDREES
8
Uh! Rose again. My strict, rule-obeying friend.
Yeah! I stayed up late last night. Was actually
reading a book, loved it so lost track of time a bit.
So whats up? I asked. I wanted to cut it short and
I asked her directly, without pausing for niceties,
what the matter was.
Aha, I see! You read too much by the way. I
had called to tell you that Jenna is leaving for Van-
couver the next week so we had decided to throw
her a party and wish her farewell. Also, her birthday
is coming up so it would be All-in-One. Dude, and
you are invited!
She was speaking non-stop as always. Rose was a
real talking machine and spoke at the speed of a
million words per minute. Sometimes I really had
to make an effort to keep my ears and my mind
open and receptive so as to let my brain completely
comprehend what she was saying. The idea of a
party appealed to me and without giving the second
thoughts I agreed.
Oh, wow! I am sure its gonna be great fun.
Been ages since I last saw you guys! I said. I tried
my best to sound excited. I honestly did not have a
faintest clue if Id succeeded or not. I did not like
the way my voice sounded at all.
Oh-kay! That is super cool. I am so damn ex-
cited to see you all. Gosh, I cant wait she want-
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
9
ed to speak more. The call was getting long and I
was getting annoyed.
Me neither. See you then. Bye love. I discon-
nected the line.
It completely slipped from my mind that I also
had to ask for the day, time and venue. I was such a
goose. And she, being so excited, also forgot to tell
these details. I was glad she texted later and told me
that it was going to be tomorrow. I leaned towards
the back of my bed, still holding the phone in my
hand. It had been infinite moons since I spent a
day out together with my high school friends. Isola-
tion can be contagiously damaging; not just to the
physical but psychological and emotional health
too. I was just unable to decide if I really wanted to
go or not.
In a blur of thoughts, I gathered my energies and
finally left the warm cozy bed to spend the rest of
the day doing something productive. Lying in bed
all day made me lazy. I had no concrete plans,
though. Also, I had not fully recovered yet from
the recent illness.
*
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HAFSA IDREES
10
Red, blue, black? No! This plum top would be the
best, I said to myself as I was rummaging inside
my wardrobe for clothes.
I grabbed the hanger out of the closet and ar-
ranged the messed up clothes before closing it, put
it in the bolster and walked to the left side.
Shoes! Gosh, its been long since I came here
to decide for the clothes and shoes this way, I said
to myself. It was tough. I seemed to have lost my
sense of fashion. Really, Id spent too much time in
isolation! I took out a pair which was going well
with plum and checked the time. The clock told me
it was 4:30 pm.
DAMN! I had to be real quick as the party
would begin around 5:30 at Roses place. I almost
yelled at myself as some ruler yells at his subject
when he is in a hurry. It was a twenty minute drive
from my apartment.
I was still feeling weak and languish. I could feel
the pain in my bones all along my body. It pulled
the guts out of me to prepare myself and get ready.
But I had to keep this all aside as I was aching to go
out and enjoy myself. I had got a chance. My doc-
tor had strictly forbidden me to leave the bed but
let it be the price I had to pay. I was longing to have fun. Despite my strongest/deepest desires,
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
11
something deep down inside me had always
stopped me and I hated even to laugh.
Today I was finally up for it and had made up
my mind: I wanted to laugh like a jester, without
caring how I would look and what people around
would think about me. I wanted my laughter to be
full of energy. I wanted to go all crazy as I used to
be. I was dying to be the old Chrissie who would
spread smiles around, who was nuts and insane and
it was expected of her. The very Chrishuanna Soule
Daddys girl and Mommys eye candy. I smiled at
the thought. I had seen and was still seeing the
darkest time of my life. I had never thought that
my 20s were going to be this excruciatingly strangu-
lating. I was craving for some light, a bright ray to
make its way from somewhere and brighten up my
world as it once used to be. I wanted to go far,
miles away from this circle of suffering I was
trapped in now.
I had put on light make-up and before leaving I
grabbed the carefully wrapped gift: a gold plated
bracelet for Jenna, another good high school friend
of mine. I started my car and the guard of my block
opened and closed the gate as I left. The weather
was unexpectedly pleasant. I could see the clouds
keeping the city cool. It was a great time to be out,
enjoy and have fun. No wonder Rose had checked
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HAFSA IDREES
12
the weather forecast before deciding for the day! I
said to myself softly, with a smile.
*
We all are fools to believe in happiness. This is the
worlds greatest lie. There is no such thing in the
world. No such thing ever existed. It is just the pro-
jection of the mind, an illustration of an illusion, a
shade or a mirage and we all are bound to take it in
our heads the other way. Such dorks we are, know-
ingly, I spoke to myself wryly. It is just like a Holly-
wood movie. Not the ordinary stuff, of course, but
a good one. You enjoy watching it, engrossed in
every line, action or scene, and the end has to come
anyway. You have to return back rather sadly to
your fucked up original practical life.
For me, the stupidest thing in the world is to
make or gather memories. I do not know how
someone can cherish a happy memory believing he
once had it and enjoyed in some part of his life and
how someone can be happy on a sad day, thinking
about a memory. I have been at a loss to understand
this complicated world and its ways and to keep up
the pace with it.
I was trying hard to put these thoughts aside,
though. I was driving and I had to be careful.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
13
One part in me was pushing me to drive to
Roses street and another part was pulling me away.
I was afraid of meeting so many people ab-ruptly
after a long phase of isolation.
How would I greet them? They will all bombard me with
so many questions! What would I answer to them? How is
the time going to pass there? How long I will have to stay
there for? So many questions and so many answers I
could not find. The first part in me was convincing
me that it all would happen gradually and things
would get back to normal, but not in just a day. All
I had to do was try and give it time. Convincing
myself to attend the birthday cum farewell party,
getting all ready for it and then finally leaving was
one heck of a huge step I believed I just took for
the sake of my peace. I had no intention of screw-
ing it up.
*
I turned my car to a small forest in the town. It was
the north part of Arizona and a very beautiful one.
I hadnt been here for many times but I loved this
place for its majestic beauty, peacefulness and pen-
etrating silence. The beauty and calmness conceals
you from inside and you just forget everything else
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HAFSA IDREES
14
and sink in the scene. I parked my car aside and
turned off my phone. I had to do this.
I was walking away from the city, the crowds, the
noise of egoism, the selfishness, indifference, andcallousness. I was walking towards myself to spend
some time with me, to be all ears to what I had
kept inside, what had been burning in me for years
and what I actually was longing to whisper. There
was a peculiar sound of long-fronded trees. The
atmosphere was suffused with the strange smell of
the mud. I could see the climbers and creepers all
around filling the emptiness and beautifying it fur-
ther, on the ground, over the trees just every-
where. The stones, the grass, the dried fallen leaves
they all talk to you if you try to listen to them. I
smiled to them imperceptibly. I was convinced to
believe that they also listen and watch you all the
way. All you need is to discern closely so as to hear
and understand what they are meaning to say. They
have a very different language of expression, a lan-
guage which is quiet but way better than the one we
humans use.
I was walking slowly. The dry leaves were getting
crushed under my feet and I just adored the soft,
crackling sound. It was breaking the perfect silence.
With every step I took, the sadness was creeping
over me, over the trees, stones, and everywhere,
spreading just like a white fog I had seen in fiction
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
15
movies. I believe the way the forest behaves is dif-
ferent for different people. It certainly knows how
to respond to someone who makes his way here. I
found a fallen log. I walked towards it, drew my
legs under me and sat there comfortably.
It was the same kind of weather when I had met
Allan. I had never known that we would get too
closer to each other; he would get in my head and
become a part of my soul. For, he was the one who
loved me when I was not lovable, he held me up
when everybody else had knocked me down, he
made me smile when others made me cry, he wiped
my tears when others wanted to see them, he was
there for me when everyone I knew left, he was a
real buddy who juggled multiple roles for me, from
a cheerleader to a therapist, to the bestest friend,
to a baby sitter, and so much more just to make me
strong enough to stand tall on my feet. He was the
only one who could understand the hidden mean-
ings of my words, who could interpret the tones of
my voice, who could tell what I was feeling by just
throwing a mere glance on my face. There was
nothing of me which was hidden from him. He
knew every version I had from the baby to the
grown up mature girl. I always respected him for
loving my naked soul and not my naked body. He
was a hero, a perfect legend that is why it was so
hard for me to let go my first and only love affair.
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HAFSA IDREES
16
It would have been easier if he was just a human,
an ordinary guy like so many found in the town. I
was lucky to have found a gem among the stones; a
real, precious and unique gem.
It was mid-December when I met him. He was
studying law and loved it. He was a hedonist, a true
believer of pleasure and happiness, and not just a
believer but also someone who would spread it
around and share as well. We became good friends.
Initially, our every conversation was only about ei-
ther academics or current affairs and philosophy.
He always loved it if I came up with contradiction
and made him believe what he did not earlier. He
was receptive and eager to grow and learn new
things, explore himself and the world around, expe-
rience what he has not and be a great man one day.
He never had big dreams. I mean yes, he had, but
not like having a mansion in NYC, a gang of girl-
friends around, piles of dollars and things like that.
He was very different from the world. I would say
he was a man just like I wanted and always
dreamed of. There were times when I used to think
that we were soul mates, we were made for each
other. I felt I knew him long before he was just a
sperm somewhere in his fathers body and how I
enjoyed myself when I used to be with him is just
inexplicable.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
17
Words have limitations but feelings and emo-
tions dont. They dont follow any boundaries or
rules like words do. For me, it is a sheer injustice to
put these two dimensions together. I picked up a
stick lying in the mud and started drawing random
things with it on the dust. I had never thought I
was so expressive. My mother Candice had always
taught me that life is really short and even a single
word shouldnt be left unsaid or unheard. And I
grew up this way.
In school, with friends and people I loved, it was
my habit to gift them with small things, with pure
gestures of love like a hug to mom, a jump on dad-
dy, a kiss on his hand, teasing my siblings and then
hugging them tightly. I loved doing these things. It
was the same with him. It was never my intention
to grow feelings or fall for him because I knew we
both could not happen, ever. We had different
paths to follow. It was maybe an intersection of his
path with mine where I met him but he was surely
not to stay. I understood this (in theory), and de-
spite these facts, I started loving him, loving him in
all the honest ways I could. I loved him for what he
was. He realized my unusual caring for him and
told me to step back. He probably knew the cir-
cumstances. Oh! How much I hate these moments
when I am forced to think about all the things I
tried so hard to forget, I terribly wanted to get
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HAFSA IDREES
18
them off my memory track, but sometimes return-
ing to memories is just so irresistible.
I threw the stick aside. I was frustrated but feel-
ing alone and scared, scared of being hurt and vul-
nerable. I couldnt stand to see him going even a
slightest inch away from me. Unacceptable, despic-
able, outrageous it was for me to see him getting
along with any other girl. The typical teenage stuff,
but I was born this way; miss-abnormally-
possessive. Even after knowing I loved him so
much, he couldnt just grow those very feelings in
himself for me. He loved me like a best friend, the
closest buddy and the trustworthy chap but he
couldnt ever think along the lines of a man-woman
relationship. I wanted to bring him closer, push
him away (both hurt unimaginably!) and then hug
him and cling forever.
True, every soul in this world wants to be loved.
And even after loving someone hopelessly, madly,
desperately, completely, out of anybodys imagina-
tion; it breaks you, treads on you, drags you merci-
lessly over the floor, you bleed and you can never
be healed. A love without a reward or reciprocation
on at least equal measures is just like a very im-
portant question which never gets an answer.
I could feel my eyes getting wet as a tear crawled
down my cheek at the revival of these memories I
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
19
had them buried somewhere as they always made
me cry. Cry and elevate the pain. My eyesight was
focused on the reddish beige maple leaves at the
base of the tree right in front of me, making out
with the slow soft breeze which was blowing in in-
tervals. I wiped my face and wrapped my arms
around my bent knees. The wind was making my
long straight blonde hair fly in frenzy.
It was getting dark and the sun was leaving with
the promise of showing up tomorrow. I was look-
ing closely at the sky gray, blue, purple; a mixture
of all such hues and a splendid cover. A beautiful
sky, who was the sole witness of my life story, had
started dripping with stars now. The story had
started in December 1992 and I always eulogized
my childhood. But it was not the time to get there.
I had already had enough memories for today. It
was the time to wrap up the memories and get up
to leave for home. I understood it clearly that a
storm would be waiting for me for not showing up
at the party and not informing anyone, and I had to
brace myself and prepare for it, but the time I spent
only with myself in the forest really was worth it.
-
HAFSA IDREES
20
3
I WENT TO SLEEP late at night and was feeling
tired when I got up in the morning. I had hardly
slept for 4 hours and I could feel my eyes receding
in the sockets. My back was hunched. Suddenly, as
if in a trance, I got up and walked towards bedside
table and pulled out a drawer. I dont know what
exactly got into my mind. This was a very special
drawer for me: it had the memories of us, all those
I could save, from cards to letters, from small gifts
to any sort of writings or things that could be pre-
served.
You are really beautiful but not like those super models
who make their appearance in the magazines or films. You
are beautiful for what you are, for how you think and how
you take and treat everyone around you. You have a very
unique and beautiful sparkle in your eyes and it shines even
more when you talk. You are beautiful for having the ability
to make others smile even when you are feeling sad or down
yourself. You are not beautiful for something as temporary as
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
21
your skin, hair or looks. You are beautiful in the terms of
permanence. You are beautiful deep down to your very soul.
I mean each word I just wrote. They are not just the
words but have inexplicable feelings behind.
Love always,
Allan Lyons
I sighed. My hands were trembling and heart
throbbing. I so wanted to cry out loud, cry at the
top of my lungs so that I dont have any tears left
to shed. I kissed the paper, folded it with care and
placed it back in the drawer. I sat right there on the
floor. My heart had started to sink. My eyes stum-
bled upon a card wrapped in a red ribbon. It read
Happy Birthday, Barbie. My mind was connecting
random dots of the memory, and the whole film of
my 17th birthday got played in my mind after hav-
ing a look at that card again. How terribly I wished
to stop the time for ever but I could not. Felicita-
tions this was given to me by him when I gradu-
ated high school. To top it all, I was the top of my
class and it was no doubt a great day.
*
-
HAFSA IDREES
22
I could not stand looking at the physical ramifica-
tions of my memories. These types of feelings are
really hard to define. You feel wonderful; and at the
same time the pain for not having it anymore
strangulates you horribly.
I had abandoned the relationship I had with
him. Maybe temporarily, but I had. I did it inten-
tionally as a part of self-therapy. My love for himwas a really pure one without any selfish motives or
purposes. I loved him like anything but I guess you
cant be best friends with someone you love with
all your heart. At least I could not handle that. I
thought that by staying away from him, I might be
able to forget him or lessen the intensity of my feel-
ings. But it wasnt helping. I had cut myself off
from the world and all types of bonding. I hated
relations. My parents were already living in Wiscon-
sin; I was away from them and alone here and my
siblings were busily carving their own career paths.
I had no close friends as such. It had always been
difficult for me to open myself to others. I was a
kind of a girl who would keep her issues to herself,
smile when others are sad and spread love around
as much as I could regardless of what I have in the
heart and how I feel at the instant. I could not see
anyone in trouble. But it was always him who knew
me and understood each and every fiber of my
mortal being. Only he knew me down to my roots.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
23
Because of this reason, I never got closer to any
other person. Even now, at this psychological
stage, I might talk to the people but then find ways
to sabotage it. I was living in fears, fears of so many
kinds.
I would not say that he did not have any feelings
for me. He had. But those feelings were of a differ-
ent kind. Just like you have different feelings for
your brother, mother, father, sister, friend, spouse,
acquaintance, etc. They all are different relations
that you may have in your life. The same word love
is defined and interpreted differently for all of
them. It has varied dimensions. The way he loved
me was not like the way I loved him. I couldnt just
shift him from his tracks to mine. It is too tough to
define. I know how much my heart was aching to
see him, grab and hug, but I knew that once I was
back there, with him, I would be all dead. I wanted
the addiction to wear off. I realized that it is much
easier to get rid of drug addiction but it is almost
impossible to live a life without someone you de-
pended so much upon. Even if you try, you are not
the same person you used to be, you go farther
from that original version of yours.
The flashes of the memories were sickening me
and I was drained. The best was to close the drawer
and I did it. And then, right at that instant, I real-
ized that if I were going to keep these reminders
-
HAFSA IDREES
24
save, I would never be able to get him completely
out of my mind. I opened the drawer again, emp-
tied it and grabbed all the things it contained. I had
been saving them since day one but now it was the
time to get rid of them. Because I truly wanted my
usual self back. I took them in the backyard and
placed them in the form of a pile on the ground. I
went to the kitchen and brought the matchbox.
With a drenching heart and squinting feelings, I put
the burning matchstick on top of the pile, stuck a
few under as well, and set the physical existence of
memories on fire. I witnessed a few of my tears
falling in the flame and disappearing. My heart was
filled with sadness. I left the fire burning and came
back inside. I wanted to be dead like those ashes.
Or maybe I was in the phase of burning; I could
see my future in those ashes: at least they were so
free, so light, and so independent.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
25
4
IT HAD ALMOST BEEN a month since I last
talked to him; it felt just like a century for me. I had
this understanding deep inside me that Allan would
also be longing to see me. He would have tried all
the possible ways to get to me for he knew I was
not mature enough to live on my own. One thing
that he had always taught me was to stay away from
this cruel world and not to trust anyone with any-
thing, ever. For him, the world was full of dogs and
bitches waiting to hunt me down and chop me up.
He believed that there are very few people who are
good. There was no reason to disagree. He had
taught me that these good and bad parts are in us,
in everybody. Its we who freely choose which part
we allow to take action, and then it makes us exact-
ly what we are. Most of us follow the dark parts
and it had made this globe a dark place to live in.
He wanted to create a bubble and put me in it to
save and protect from the evils and harms, and his
presence in my life was that bubble. I had this clear
idea that abandoning him would also burst it and I
would be vulnerable. I had to keep my eyes open
-
HAFSA IDREES
26
and be aware of every step I chose to take. It was
really very hard as I had forgotten what his absence
felt like, what it had been like before we met. He
was always there to guide me, save me when some-
thing went wrong and drag me out of the place
where I was not supposed to be. I was addicted to
him in a way, he was my drug and only I know how
empty and hollow I was feeling without him and
how terribly I was sensing his absence and missing
his presence.
The world might have taken me for a worryguts.
One side of me was telling me to shun all these
thoughts, think bad about him, be selfish and hate
him for not marrying me and loving on my terms
but one part of me was telling me that he was pure,
sincere and it was none of his fault. In fact, he nev-
er refused to give me his name because he had nev-
er promised any such thing. Besides, he was ful-
filling all the promises he had made and one of
those was to stay with me and never leave no mat-
ter what. He promised to be there, always. I used to
make fun of this, saying that after my marriage no
one would let me stick to him anymore or else my
husband would banish him from the grounds. I
laughed it off. But today I was wounded; these
wounds were very much different from the usual
ones. I had bruises on my soul, blisters on my
heart, a tortured spirit, blooded emotions, broken
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
27
feelings and a hollow body. I wanted him to be
around me, I wanted him to slide in with me on my
bed and I would rest my head on his chest, holding
his hand and snuggling. I would never ever let him
go.
His love was the only drug that could satisfy my
thirst, heal me fully and return my pure smiles back.
I had lost peace, I had lost sleep, I had lost the
knack of laughing that would touch the innards of
my soul, and I was losing me. This was such a high
price I was paying; risking my own life and letting it
rust.
Sometimes I wonder why people come closer to
you when they have to leave you eventually. And
even if they do, their departure must not hurt you.
Why does it happen and then you almost stop liv-
ing? Is it your defeat? Or is it all written in the
stars? I believed strongly in the Four Noble Truths
and existence of Karma. True, life is suffering, suf-
ferings have an origin and casual reasons, those
reasons can be ceased to perplex and for that there
have to be certain ways. I was just unable to locate
those, figure out what could be the solution of this
misery and identify the ways to stop it. This was
not abnormal. When you are hanging in a city so
dead, when the thread is getting weaker each day,
when you know you are in limbo, you cannot step
back or move forward, your brain ceases to think.
-
HAFSA IDREES
28
All you do is moan and indulge in self-pity. There
was one solution that I could think of and it was
staying away from him, pushing him away from
everything but it was not working at all.
I had always heard that the time is a big healer.
Things dont happen overnight but they do get bet-
ter with time. Wounds heal, after all, and getting
them healed slowly is at least better than not having
them healed at all. But for some obvious reasons, I
had believed that time only fills up the bruise or the
cut and covers it up. A scar is always there. It never
vanishes. If something happens to hit near the
same place, the cover would peel off and open the
old wound again.
*
I was young and pretty, pretty like a doll. At the age
of 18, you dont even know what love is exactly and
how things work in a relationship. I had heard that
if you cant love your own self you should not ex-
pect some other person to love you. At the end,
your best friend must be you only. But the truth
was I loved myself when he was around. I loved
each bit of me when he told me I was special. I
loved every feature of my personality when he re-
garded it the best one. I did not know how I was
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
29
able to love myself when there was no one to ap-
preciate me.
Everything changes: things, feelings, people, pri-
orities, interests, ambitions, preferences, persons,
emotions just everything. Even us, we change
each day a little. That is why every day of ours is
different than the one that is gone. But I was stuck
I dont know why. My feelings for him had not
changed even slightly. Despite all the pain and dep-
rivation, my priority and preference was still him.
My future was incomplete without that single per-
son. People might get an impression that I loved
him for his body or looks, but no I loved him for
what he was as a person and for how he had made
me love myself and explore myself even more. We
understood each other like we didnt even under-
stand ourselves. Physical love is a part of such type
of relationships but it has never been our priority. I
wonder how another human being can become so
important to you. This was the way of the thoughts
and feelings I would never be able to grasp I was
only able to live it.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. I could not.
This apartment, this place, this city all was full of
his memories. I suck at forgetting. Memory that is once created in my brain never gets out. It gets
carved there. This is one bad part of having a
strong memory being unable to forget the things
-
HAFSA IDREES
30
which are best to be forgotten. I dont know how
we forget someone unless we hate him or dislike. I
could not hate him. Those you love, reside in the
hearts. They are with you all the time, in your
thoughts, in your memories, they never leave.
When they dont leave, how can they be forgotten?
And when they cannot be forgotten, how do we
handle the painful absence? How can we deal with
the wait? The. Uncertain. Wait!
God!! I wanted to smash my phone right into
the wall with all the force I could exert. It was the
only thing placed nearest to me but I could not
move. Not even slightly. I was stiff and still, pain-
fully still paralyzed.
*
I was in kitchen and could not hear someone
knocking on the door. They knocked louder and
with more intensity.
Who can it be? I wondered while walking towards
the door. I peeped through the door-hole. There
was a postman. I opened the door with a smile and
he greeted me.
Hello there. Are you Miss Chrishuanna? he
asked.
Yes, I am, I answered.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
31
Well, you have got a parcel. Kindly sign here
and receive.
OK. I took the paper from him and signed.
He handed the parcel over to me and left. I
came inside, closed the door and placed it on the
table. I thought of opening it but then I had to re-
turn to the kitchen for something. After which, I
completely forgot about it.
After spending the most of the day in the kitch-
en, I was back in the lounge. I turned on the TV.
As soon as I started surfing through the channels, I
remembered the parcel. I got up, grabbed it and sat
back on the sofa with my legs tucked under me.
First, I tried to guess its contents by looking at
the package. I could not. There was no return ad-
dress. It was a medium-sized box wrapped in black
and white paper. I started opening it slowly, un-
wrapped it with a confused look and a frown.
The top of it read With Love and Best Wishes
My heart skipped a beat.
Who could send me love and wishes like this!
I breathed in and out and opened the box.
For a moment I almost screamed with excite-
ment when I saw what was inside it. There was a
beautiful pendant encrusted with what were per-
haps zircons or some other precious stones (I was
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HAFSA IDREES
32
bad at guessing about such things). Whatever it
was, it was super awesome. It had been long since I
received any gift from anyone. Surprises have theirown delight, and the suspense it just takes you.
My gaze fell on an envelope which was there
right beside the ornament. I placed the pendant
down and took it. It was blank on both sides. I
opened it and there was a letter.
Letter? I paused. I still had no idea who had
sent me this.
I opened it and gasped. It read:
Dear Chrissie,
I am sorry that it has been quite a long since I last wrote
to you. This does not mean that I have given up on you or I
dont think about you anymore. I dont know but I might
have given up on me perhaps.
I wont drag the conversation long because I dont know
what you have on your mind regarding me. But I respect eve-
ry decision of yours and you know that.
Baby, I cant take my eyes off you as I always have said.
First I planned to see you at your apartment but then I
thought it was not right. I decided to write to you and this
small gift, though its noble, is just a cry for attention (you
are worth much more). I found this yesterday and it remind-
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
33
ed me of you. It was made for you perhaps so I bought it
right then.
I considered myself unworthy of love, especially from a
person as perfect, complete and excellent as you. I know how
painful it is for you to forget what you cant get after loving
so much. But today, I would like to confess a few things
which I never confessed before.
Before meeting you, passion and love were something I
had only seen in movies. I had never dreamed of such emo-
tions ever coming to me. I still remember your beautiful hon-
est smile which tingles amorously. Just like you, I am also
vexed and perplexed to see you, meet you, and talk to you
about whatever is happening. I feel it is not right. We have
to talk about it. I know I cant match your gentleness, ten-
derness and feelings but I have always tried to make you as
safe as I could, protect you and love you in all the honest pos-
sible ways. The place that I hold for you right in my heart is
precious beyond any words. I agree that I cant marry you
but that doesnt mean that you are not the type of person Ive
dreamed about. I just cant do that, Chrissie, and I have
explained that to you a billion times. Only I know my heart
is crying while I am writing all this but I dont want to ruin
your future life. I know even if I marry you, I wont be able
to keep you happy. I know I would not come up to your ex-
pectations. Do you think this would give me any sort of
peace? I am not the kind of the guy you deserve. We two are
different personalities. You deserve so much more, so much
better. But I am taking this chance to tell you that whatever
-
HAFSA IDREES
34
you are doing to yourself is not right for you. You think be-
ing with me would make matters worse, but in my absence
you are doing even more harm to yourself. I have always
promised to be with you through all the thick and thin unless
I am assured that you have found someone who is capable of
keeping you happy and taking good care of you. Even after
that, I would be there.
I always wanted to see you a strong and independent girl
who knows who she is and what she has to do. All this time
I only worked to hold you up. But I am a human too. I also
fall sometimes. But the only answer to my passions and
dreams is you. You are always in my heart, in my mind, in
my thoughts and I ache to meet you. I cant see you dying
like this. I never knew that you were setting yourself off on
this secret suicide mission. I cant stand to see this happen-
ing. I see all my love and efforts going down a drain.
I am living with a yearning that can be satisfied only with
your stupid jokes, loving gestures and caring ways. Please
come back!!!
Ever dreaming about you!
Tearfully yours,
Allan.
My hands were trembling and my heart stuttered
as I read his name at the end. I felt moisture in my
eyes; I blinked repeatedly to clear them. Then I
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
35
folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope
before putting it on my heart. The world was away
and it was me and my imagination of him now.
Allan! You should not have written to me, I
whispered to the letter, tears dripping from my eye-
lashes.
After such a long time Only I know how
hard it is for me to resist. I cant. You know, I
freakin cant. Ahh! I sighed and burst into tears.
Allan! Allan, please, dont do this to me! Allan!
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HAFSA IDREES
36
5
THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS had helped me
realize even more that love comes with pain. A ter-
ribly unkind disservice has been done to us by all
the fairy tales in the world. They lied about the
stark truth of love and portrayed everything so
sweet and simple. They lied that once you find your
true love, you enter into the realm of that happily
ever after and no heartaches, sufferings, pangs of
sorrow come your way. Such deceivers, I won-
dered!
I had so many questions in my mind which were
torturing me.
Whom could I count on to seek these an-
swers? I muttered. I was talking to my brain. It
suggested something. These words came in a sud-
den gush.
Allan! Allan Lyons.
No, no, no! Not him. Not him anymore, I
grunted. My heart and mind were in a wrangle as I
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
37
tried to convince myself. Not after I have decided
to live alone, without depending on him.
Some questions are better left unanswered. I re-
spected this fact now. When you come across such
a situation, you should stop questioning. When I
was in my early teens, I wanted to have answers to
every question that made its way through my mind
but things were very different now. I told myself
that I could found good questions there were no
restrictions on that but not good answers. I only
knew that I was breathing and it meant that I was
just alive. To live and to be alive are two different
concepts in practice.
Love has pain because all humans are imperfect
and we live in an imperfect world. We make mis-
takes: even after we try to do our best, we do things
we are not supposed to do. Since we humans are
open and vulnerable, those mistakes wound us. The
intensity depends on the type and nature of the
mistake, but it does hurt anyway. When we deny
this fact, we are actually denying the nature of hu-
mans and that of love. I had heard that the pain
which you get as a part of true love is precious. It
teaches you so many things which you cant learn
from books or encyclopedias. Pain is the endorse-
ment of the sincerity of the feelings. Every fiber of
my being was in pain, but unfortunately I was not
-
HAFSA IDREES
38
learning what I was supposed to. At least not at the
instant.
Books had taught me that you should let this
pain sink into the deepest depths of your soul. You
should count the tears which love gives you as if
they were gold. But how can we like something
which makes us hate everything else? Again, it was
another unanswered question!
I tried to shun all the thoughts which were push-
ing me to meet him. I had to involve myself in
something which could distract me, but nothing
was working. My brain was heavily occupied, and
each time I returned to the same question. I was
stuck between a yes and a no.
*
Time was passing by passing rather quickly. I
thought of renovating my apartment. It sounded
interesting. At least it was something which was
expected to keep me busy and away from all that
mental garbage that was filling my head. I wanted
to do something new, something out of ordinary.
Lets call Rose, I thought to myself. She loved do-
ing such things.
I phoned her and invited her over. She instantly
agreed and left for my place immediately. She lived
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
39
nearby, just some streets away and in a few
minutes, she appeared on my doorstep. Exuberant
and nicely dressed up as always (it was one of the
things which I had always loved about her). She
was full of energy no matter what. We decided for
the new places of the furniture and other things
and colors for the walls. Now we both were excited
about the new look.
Initially we both talked about random things and
I must admit that she was a superb gossiper. I was
really enjoying her company after such a long time
of having none.
I dont know what got in her mind while rear-
ranging the things in my shelf and she inquired
about Allan.
Chrissie Do you know Jenna is in a huff with
you? She did not like the fact that you didnt show
up on the party! she continued without looking at
me and arranging the books. We were all expect-
ing you
I was standing and staring at the floor cushions.
I answered without looking at her.
Yeah, I understand.
You know what I was wondering? she stood
up and turned to me. I thought you were with Al-
lan!
-
HAFSA IDREES
40
Allan? I smiled wryly. No! I was not with
him, I said. I had all plans for the party, I even
dressed up, left the place but then I dont know
why I went to the forests.
Forests? she said with surprise in her voice.
And what happened between you and Allan? She
narrowed her eye.
I turned and met her gaze. I was silent for a
moment. I did not know what to tell her. All she
knew was I was madly in love with him.
Rosie, though I loved him but he was a good
friend only, I grumbled to her.
What is going on? She was eager to know. She
walked closed to me and locked her arms behind
her back. For a moment she looked like an investi-
gating officer.
I am trying to stay away from him, Rose! I
snorted and continued. I should have realized it
long ago that we both did not have a mutual future.
You cant live with someone you love the most as
just friends. At least I could not. My expression
was sad, and she could clearly notice. I sat down on
the couch.
How are you dealing with it? She held my
hand and sat down next to me. I mean You
didnt even tell me and decided all this by yourself!
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
41
Its so hard, I know She was caressing my hand.
She was lovely.
I dont know if I am actually dealing or not. I
am just trying, I muttered.
She was all ears to me at that moment, she was
listening every word of mine very carefully.
I want myself to have that drug forever or not
to have it all at. You have no idea what this pain of
addiction is like, I continued. It had been ages
since I had spoken my heart out to someone like
this and I wanted to continue. She was listening.
Rosie, I think I am not like others, I am a bit
a bit different and I paused and she nodded
agreeing with me.
I wanted to turn away and blink to get rid of the
unwanted moisture in my eyes.
Chris, I know life is hard. Its hard for all of us
but in different ways, Rose said. I know you are
going through hell but the solution you have cho-
sen for yourself is not actually a solution.
What else am I supposed to do? I pleaded. I
cant bear to see him marrying or getting along with
some other girl. It scratches my heart. Terribly. I
almost shouted but did not stop. I think if I could
be away, the pain would grow lesser with time. Ive
heard that time heals.
-
HAFSA IDREES
42
Though I had heard this, I didnt quite believe
this myth. Not anymore. While I said that, my head
and heart strongly rejected my words. But still there
was a hope that maybe it happens. There must be a
reason why the myth is still not dead.
Rose was listening and thinking, perhaps unable
to decide what to say next. There was silence. We
both were quiet for a few minutes. Meanwhile I
was trying to shake the thoughts out of my head. I
cocked my head to the left side and tried to relax
my nerves.
I understand everything you are trying to say,
she said finally. I do not know what the exact solu-
tion is but I am certain enough that this current
one youve stumbled upon is not right You are
being betrayed by yourself and this worries me.
I got up and checked on the books. There were
still a few left unarranged since when she started
the conversation. I sat there, wiped the dust off the
covers and placed them in alphabetical order. I was
listening to what she was saying.
I am the happiest person when he is around.
But I am the most suffering one when he is not.
The problem is, I want to possess him, I said in a
distorted voice. I got up from where I was sitting
and faced her. She was looking at the painting on
the wall right in front of her. I want him to be
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
43
mine and only mine. You tell me if its right. I
added while my heart gave a hard thump.
See, I am not an expert on this. But what I
would suggest you is she paused.
Is? I echoed.
Is that you should meet Allan. Tell him how
even this is not working out for you, she told. I
could sense that her heart was full of despair and
concern for me. Tell him everything the way you
just tried to tell me. I am sure he would have the
solution.
She sounded so certain. I choked out a wheezing
sound and nodded. I did not want to say anything,
perhaps I did not have anything to say. I was feel-
ing too miserable to respond.
Has he ever broken his promise? she asked
suddenly.
No. Never! I answered. He is a man of his
words.
When he says he wont leave you, he wont she
said reassuringly. He knows he cant marry you
but still he is not ready to give up on you; he wants
to bear you in every mood and take care of you
He has to have something on his mind, she ex-
plained. You should try it, just try.
-
HAFSA IDREES
44
I nodded. My brain had ceased to think about it
for the moment. My sight landed on the coffee
maker.
Coffee? I tried to stretch my lips in a grin. The
atmosphere was suffocating me.
Oh, yeah! she said with a smile, standing up.
We both silently wanted to change the topic.
I also had some cookies in my fridge, as well as
other snacks to eat. I asked her to take those out
while I made coffee. It was cloudy outside, but still
warm. We enjoyed the food and spent time togeth-
er till it started getting dark. Since we put a full stop
to that discussion, we never started it again. We
talked about a lot of other things and it was fun.
Also, the monotonous setting of my apartment was
driving me crazy. It was presenting a much better
look now. There were still a few things which
needed attention but we were almost done. I even
enjoyed doing that.
Ah I sighed. Finally a good day after such a
long time.
I realized I was smiling to myself.
*
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
45
Lying down on my bed and watching the move-
ment of the ceiling fan, I was connecting random
dots in my mind. I seriously wanted to think about
the phase I was going through. I put my arm over
my midriff. This reminded me of my childhood
days. I was much closer to my father than to my
mother. My father was American but my mother
was from Asia. I was a hybrid. My father belonged
to a middle class family but he provided us siblings
with everything we needed. It was love that made
him rich. Whenever I was upset or disturbed about
something, I used to lie on my bed, flat on my
back, with my eyes open wide, lost in thoughts or
despondency. One of my problems was that I
couldnt sleep, my mind being occupied with trou-
bling thoughts. My father always came into my
room, sat next to me, wrapped his big arms all
around my upper body and I felt as if I was hidden
somewhere warm and safe; and told me amazing
bedtime stories which I always loved to hear. The
stories pushed out all the bad thoughts. He always
told me I was special and not like ordinary girls.
Such things always made me happy and put me to
sleep because they soothed my heart and comfort-
ed the storms in my mind. I used to ask him so
many questions, about almost everything. He
would come up with answers, sometimes to make
me happy, sometimes sad, sometimes convincing
-
HAFSA IDREES
46
me about something, sometimes making me laugh
and sometimes making me exuberant, and some-
times not answering at all. I was missing those days
badly, intensely, when I was lying here alone, stray-
ing among thoughts and wading in confusion, both
as important to me as my life. I was feeling terrible.
There was no one to hold me and tell me I was not
alone.
I badly wanted to be with my family but I was
here to study. It was one of my fathers dreams and
he wanted to see me successful, standing on my
feet and doing extraordinarily well in life. My heart
was connected to Wisconsin and although Arizona
was great, I felt more than any time before that I
hadnt found many friends here in Phoenix to
spend my time with. I felt I needed my father more
than anything because of the phase I was going
through. I wanted to tell him about Allan, about my
feelings and about the feeble thread on which I was
suspended in the middle of nowhere. I had always
been an introvert so living alone in my apartment
here was not a big deal for me. But I needed him
and didnt feel right upsetting him as I was sure of
my failure. I had a clear realization that he was not
getting any younger and situations like these be-
come way more frustrating with age. Henceforth,
Arizona was supposed to be my home.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
47
Allan. Rose, my mind, my heart they all were
suggesting Allan. I felt like I was about to surren-
der. It was so hard to fight with the thoughts. You
are one and they are many. Rose had somehow
convinced me to contact him. I could still hear her
sentences echoing in my mind. There was some-
thing which was pushing me now. Long before her,
my mind had been suggesting the same but I resist-
ed somehow. I had no idea why I gave in this time.
It was adding to my cravings and frustrations. It
was eating me inside like a parasite and I didnt
want to be a host. It had to find an outlet.
It had been a week now since I received that let-
ter from him. I had not looked at that pendant
again once I put it in the jewelry box. I flipped and
got to the side drawer of my bed. I opened it and
searched for the phone diary. I was regretting hav-
ing deleted his numbers from my phone.
I have to call him, I said to myself.
Yes! Call him. Call Allan, I was saying to my-
self in the mixed feeling of excitement, eagerness
and agony. My heart was thumping like mad.
No. Dont. Place it back! a part in me roared. I
came up with an excuse:
Whats wrong with trying?
I dialed the number.
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HAFSA IDREES
48
His line had connected. His phone was ringing.
After a few seconds, he picked up.
Hello! Allan Lyons here, he spoke. My heart
leaped out.
Hi! I spoke after a one-second pause. Hi, Al-
lan!
Chrish-shu-anna. He uttered my name break-
ing it, emphasizing every syllable.
How are you? How have the things been? How
are you doing? I have been sick worried about you,
Chrissie, he continued. Chrissie? You there?
He sounded restless. He was almost shouting.
I was silent. Words vaporized off my tongue. I
felt as if somebody was pressing hard against my
wind pipe as my ears heard his voice. The same
voice I had craved for, loved, wanted. I could not
believe I was hearing it again. It was hard to tell
myself that yes it was him who was there right on
the other side. At last, I spoke.
Umm I am fine. I I got your letter last
week.
I almost whispered. I was stammering badly. I
used to do that when upset or nervous.
Shhshhh! Forget everything. Just tell me, shall I
come to meet you? Please just dont say no. Tell me
when? he pleaded. I so knew this version of him
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
49
and had loved it always when he desired me in his
unique way.
I was thinking. I did not know what to say and
how to answer his question.
Yes! Yes, Allan, I mumbled. I dont know
what happened to me at the instant that I started
begging without even waiting for him to respond to
my affirmation.
Allan, please. Please come and hide me! I was
screaming. Please end this pain. I am just just
tired of fighting. I I cant do it anymore, I
sobbed. But it was louder like a moan. My head was
spinning like a top.
Shusshhh shhhh..! Chrissie, my baby! I know
everything. I am coming tomorrow. Just a few
hours to wait. We will talk about it. His voice was
full of sadness and helplessness.
It is all ok. I understand. I will wait, I told him
resolutely, trying to control my abrupt self. Trying
to calm down.
Uh, he breathed. Till then, please, take care
of yourself. He was about to cut the call when he
said:
And always remember that no matter what, I
love you.
I smiled unconsciously. You too, take care.
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HAFSA IDREES
50
And I disconnected the call.
I dont know if I was happy or sad and it was
awful. There are times when you are unable to cat-
egorize your feelings, put a label on them. Its hard
as they are not concrete and dissolved in each oth-
er. Or maybe they are and you are unable to draw
the line. It was one of those moments.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
51
6
THERE WAS THIS SOMETHING in me which
was longing to see Allan all the time. That month
was like a century. I rediscovered something about
myself. I was an astoundingly intense person. Even
if I had tried to exclude him from my life, I was at a
stage where my mornings began with thoughts
about him and my day ended with him in my mind.
I was the kind of a person who would put her heart
and soul behind everything. This can be visible only
to the person who wishes to look closely into me. I
dont know but this can be intimidating too.
This world keeps things superficial but light. I
believed the extent of my intensity was antithetical.
I had always craved for a man who would look into
the smoldering red fire in my eyes and never back
off. He may flinch in order to prepare himself for
being pressed upon, but not leave. For some rea-
sons I had thought it was him, Allan was this man.
He promised me fidelity. He always believed in
commitments and fulfilled what he had promised.
This is the nucleus of any healthy relationship
which is based on love. This was probably a reason
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HAFSA IDREES
52
I was still unable to hate him. He was not one of
those who flew away the first time we had a small
disagreement; neither was he of the type who
would look for a bigger, better deal. He had stayed
and he was going to forever. I had this faith in
him. He had always tried to find ways for overcom-
ing every last obstacle. If not much, he was sensi-
tive to my feelings and needs and had reasonably
respected and honored both of them. The only
hope of mine which he crashed down was mar-
riage.
After being in love with him, the only excite-
ment I had about anything good or new was that I
would share it with him and cherish it together, and
the only satisfaction in bad times was his overall
presence. His arms were the safest and most treas-
ured place for me; he was someone I could trust,
confide in, play and enjoy my life with. Every night,
I gazed at the moon and asked it to reflect my love
and feelings back to him. My appetite for him was
endless. I wanted him to heal the scars and wounds
of my heart which bled every night. I breathed only
him. I sensed only him. I felt only him. After all, it
was him who introduced and showed me what love
and passion could be. He opened my heart and led
me to a complete new world. After going through
the tough times, I was supposed to be stronger. I
did not know if I succeed in it but I was at a place
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
53
where I had never been before. It was neither
something in the mind nor something physical; it
was the place where my soul soared. It was a place
where I had shared him with me. I had not learned
to live in his absence yet and I was not sure if I ev-
er would.
I was waiting for him. I had to. I wanted to do
more than just cry on his shoulder. I had this dis-
tinct impression that he does love me in a some-
what subtle way. It was I who interpreted it the
wrong way, and, due to those incorrect interpreta-
tions, I came up to an equally incorrect decision. It
did not save a great deal of trouble as I had ex-
pected. My vulnerability was now a visibility. Time
had peeled away another layer of the same onion.
My only hope was him now. All I wanted was for
him to hide me in his arms forever. I wanted to
cuddle and die snuggling.
*
Isolation is never a solution, Allan said in a dis-
approving voice. How did you think it was going
to help? he objurgated.
He was here and I knew how he was going to
question everything. I was silent for the moment.
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HAFSA IDREES
54
He was sitting on the sofa right in front of me. I
was avoiding his gaze.
Okay I know I know I am not perhaps the
most loveable person but but I did not know
that I was not a desirable person as well. He winced
and it stole my breath.
You are taking everything wrong, I said, de-
fensively.
Then you tell me what is right, he demanded.
Anger tightened his throat.
I took a long breath. I wanted to say everything I
was keeping in, say all what I wanted to but I was
unable to pour all out in a gush. He was looking at
me.
Allan!.. I started. I could not find the appro-
priate words to start off. I was surprised and scared
at the heat of his anger.
Allan, all I wanted was you to desire me in all
the possible ways, I said. But I also knew that
even the realm of desirability, I cant rely upon you
or anyone to generate my sense of self-worth. My
voice started to tremble. So many thoughts were
crossing my mind. It was hard for me to filter
them. He was quiet and listening intently now. My
words had perhaps calmed him down a little.
I made a mistake. I forgot that people who are
with us dont necessarily find the same things inter-
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
55
esting and neat. We all are different and work dif-
ferently. The reason why Ive made this mistake is
you; you always acknowledged and respected every-
thing that came from me. You always gave me that
attention which I needed. You were an equal part
of my sadness and happiness
I paused to get my breath back.
that I started thinking much more about you,
starting fantasizing about you, about our future to-
gether. I thought you were the perfect guy I had
found for me, I explained. I was looking down at
the floor now and trying hard not to smile stupidly
while I said: like the perfect match we see in mov-
ies. I started taking you as my-prince-so-charming,
I stopped and blinked. I could feel moisture again.
But then you told me that we could not happen,
that just shattered me. I gritted my teeth. When
you dream about getting something all your life and
you are told you cant have it cant have it ever,
how do you feel?
He stood up, stepped towards me and sat at my
feet. He held my hand in his right and wiped the
crawling tear with his left. I was wrangling with the
intensity of my emotions.
I dream of you and me together and when I get
up every morning, but then I have that crushing
pain of realization that it was just a dream I had
-
HAFSA IDREES
56
to decide. I wanted to live on my own then. I want-
ed to hate you just as an excuse to forget. But I
couldnt. I could not, Allan. You ruled my
thoughts, my heart, and my mind! I said, not
bothering that I was almost shouting at him and
crying. All this time I wanted and tried to free my-
self from this intangible bond I had with you, I
sobbed. I could hardly speak. My voice choked. I
could not speak clearly anymore, but I pressed on. I
wanted to spit out every phrase I had in.
My nights are sleepless. For some time, I was
even insomniac. I am not in peace. My smiles are
just the movement of my lips. I have forgotten
what being happy is like II
I groaned before I could stop, in the middle of
the sentence.
He lifted himself up a little to hug me. I could
feel his hand caressing the back of my head, just as
if somebody has sprinkled water on the burning
flames of mad fires. I didnt know how it felt to be
desired, loved, cared for, but that feeling was just
inexplicable and all-encompassing. I was feeling so
secure and protected. I felt being in the same bub-
ble he had always talked about. This was the first
time he let me fully experience his touch and I
needed it the most then.
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
57
Shusshhh. He kissed my head and held my
face in his hands.
Why did you try to separate yourself from eve-
ryone and faced the deprivation all alone? he
whispered. I could barely see but his eyes were wet
and red.
Because I was possessive about you. I did not
want you to be with any other girl. I wanted you to
be mine only, if not you, then no one. I sniffed.
You could have shared it before you thought of
it just like youve just shared everything with me
right now. His voice was distorted. Have I ever
not listened to you? From crazy to insane to mature
to childish to just everything? Have I ever jeered or
discouraged?
No, no, no, Allan, never! I grabbed him and
hugged. I pressed myself hard against him. His
tears made my hart hurt as if it were crushed in an
iron fist. I never ever wanted to see him sad. His
tears were tearing every fiber of my being. I wanted
to hold him, just like he had held me in every state
or mood.
He wrapped his arms around me, not very but
tight enough not to let me go.
I am so sorry I never wanted to see you like
this. I am hating myself for what you have be-
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HAFSA IDREES
58
come become because of me. His eyes met
mine; there was guilt in them.
Its not your fault, Allan. I am equally account-
able, I explained apologetically, still holding him.
A strand of my hair fell on my forehead right
then. I wanted to free my hand to move it back. He
did it and caressed my eye brows.
Allan, I have no anger towards you. It is not
anger but sadness. Sadness of pain, pain of not be-
ing lucky enough to get you, I spoke. The life in-
side me has died. I wish there was a way to go
back.
He held me closer to his heart. His warmth was
soothing.
I. Love. You, I whispered.
He stretched his cheeks to grin, but sadly. It
made me both smile and cry. I was feeling a little
better but still a terrible mess.
If you do, then give up on your self-created
mission, he suggested with a smile.
I nodded.
Sometimes in life you come across a phase
where you realize that youre not worth more than
a grain of sand or a leave hanging on a tree. Then,
your existence or disappearance doesnt really mat-
ter for anyone anymore. There are so many to re-
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
59
place you and fill the gap. I felt that the phase was
ending. Allan was still here and was the same as if
nothing had happened. I was feeling so light after
pouring my heart out to him. I realized that talking
to someone else or not talking to anyone at all was
no solution. I did not have the regret having unsaid
words. I could see a path now, a hope, a way. I was
free.
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HAFSA IDREES
60
7
THE MOON WAS CLEAR. I pushed the curtain
aside and sat on the rug in my room, resting myself
against the wall. A cool breeze made its way into
the room and blew my hair for some seconds. I
was a little world-weary but for some reasons I had
always believed that the night had to reveal some
secrets to us; it only looked for someone to listen
to it and pay attention for it was which it sought.
It had the language of silence, a language which is
not understood by all.
Allan had promised to put my pieces back. He
was a man of his words and never backed off from
what he ever said. I believed him. Despite the satis-
faction, I still had that ache in my heart and an
empty feeling in my soul. I only wished he could
snap his fingers and make it all disappear just like a
magician or a vampire. He was unlike normal hu-
mans after all.
Life such a simple word of four letters but
complicated just like a billion books. Books are the
combination of a few letters; life is also a combina-
tion of simple things that can weave really compli-
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
61
cated patterns. You think, choose your life and take
decisions about it. Sometimes right, sometimes
wrong. But this is how humans learn. This species
is always liable to make mistakes; great are those
who seek lessons and not hate themselves for not
taking a step in the right direction. I was in a roller
coaster ride and living in assumptions and expecta-
tions expectations about human relations and
emotions. Perhaps he had loved me so that I did
not find time to love myself or perhaps there was
no such need. But things were different now.
I was looking closely at the moon and the dark-
ness around it. I was feeling how it was still stand-
ing alone to shine in the dark sky and illuminate
other objects surrounding it. A sudden gush of real-
ization came in to my mind. The focus of my think-
ing switched. I discovered a part of that very secret:
it was to be really careful about your thoughts because these
thoughts become your feelings and feelings are generally mo-
mentary. Being humans, you do not have full control
over what you think and feel but still you have to
try when your head continuously warns you about
the consequences.
I got up and collapsed on my bed. Allan had my
heart completely and I was stubborn enough not to
let myself want anyone else the way I wanted to be
with him. But I had to cope up with the emptiness.
I was thinking resolutely. I had to give up on a few
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HAFSA IDREES
62
things and hold on a few. He showed me my self-
worth and I did not have to let it go this time; I had
to work to stand on my own feet. He was my
strength but my love for him was my greatest
weakness that I had to overcome in a wise way.
Sometimes life really confuses you between what
should be done and what you want to do.
*
There exists a concept of omen. Omens are the
ways in which God communicates with you. It is
your and His language. This is not same for every-
one. My language with Him might be different
from any other humans. I believed that through
these omens He guides you, gives hints, warns, and
supports, and talks with you. You need to have a
different understanding in order to interpret His
language. The whole universe is His words, His
composition and His tools of language. At the
moment I was having a clear realization that I had
been drifting away from Him during the past few
months. I was losing faith even in my own self.
God doesnt like sad people. Whining is a cardinal
sin, it makes you procrastinate. People who are
happy have God in their hearts. They are pure.
Heart speaks. I assumed He was rather in a huff
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
63
with me for being unthankful for so many things
He had granted me. I had not felt any omen since
my isolation but today I was having this feeling
deep inside me that things can get better only if I
try and feel motivated towards it. God is always
there to help. He helps those who help themselves.
If you offer Him your hand for friendship, He nev-
er dejects. He loves all of us, all of His creatures
equally. He can be the best friend one can ever
have. He would keep your secrets; help in mysteri-
ous ways, sooth you when you are down, and so
much more. He knows everything because He lives
in your heart. You forget Him but He is still there,
loving you and trying to communicate with you
with His omens. He is the Supreme Power and we
humans are the mere collectors of pieces of paper.
I was trying hard to sleep but I was not sleepy at
all. I had forgotten all these things about the one
Who created me, was always there even when I
thought I was living alone; still communicating with
me but I was not answering His calls. I was going
further and further away from Him. I had forgotten
what my mother had always taught me. She taught
me that if you pray to Him with all your heart and
soul, He does grant your wishes. If He doesnt an-
swer, it does not mean that He is not listening. It
can have multiple meanings. It is about what your
desire and deserve. He is quiet because maybe He is
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HAFSA IDREES
64
planning for something much better than what you
desire and which is exactly what you deserve. May-
be its because the time you pray to have something
is not actually the right time for you. He is silent
maybe because He wants to see how much you
trust Him and have faith in Him and for long can
you stand it. There is always something good for
you but you dont figure it out at the time. You do
realize and experience that good in the later
phases and you always thank Him for His plans.
I got up and sat resting my back against the back
of the bed. I was wondering how many times I
talked with God and shared my heavy heart since
lately. It is very hard to please the humans but it is every
easy to please God. Humans are strangely selfish. And
even if you attempt to please them, it is not them
who would be thankful, it would again be Him re-
warding you in several ways for your act of good-
ness. I had tears in my eyes. My heart was filled
with guilt. Lately, all my tears were either of self-
pity or of the emptiness created by his absence. But
today I was shedding them for my mistakes. I was
embarrassed. I wanted to talk to God and seek for-
giveness. I admitted that for the past few months I
never wanted anything except Allan: for him to
come home, embrace me and hold me for an eter-
nity in his arms, whispering every sweet word of
love. I wished to marry him and possess him in the
THE BEGINNING AFTER THE END
65
legal ways. I knew that lovemaking and physical re-
lation must be there only after marriage. I never
wanted to dishonor my parents and their teachings.
I didn't but i wanted my dreams to come to reality.
I expressed all my fears, dreams, hopes,
thoughts, feelings and I was filled with calmness. A
wave of satisfaction and peace washed over my in-
ner self and the living water remained there, filling
every cavity and crevice. Though crying, I was calm
calm like a sea which was initially disturbed by a
storm. My trail seemed insurmountable but I was
now accepting it that no relation on earth is ever-
lasting. We are all mortal beings. I prayed for the
forgiveness of my transgressions, I was yearning to
be closer to God and to have His peace. I had laid
down all of my cards and wanted Him to let go the
guilt I was harboring. Life is an everlasting journey
of falls and recoveries. I had fallen and wanted Him
to help me up. I prayed for healing my sickness,
sickness in mind, body, soul and thoughts. I prayed
for Him to heal me and make me whole again. I
prayed to Him for the guidance, patience, grace,
and mercy. He is my Savior, Redeemer, my Teach-
er, my Creator, my Protector, my Comforter, and
my Lord and only Convalescent. I prayed for His
blessings to shine down upon me, now and forever.
I wanted to re-establish the connection with Him
which I had been losing. I wanted to bring it back
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HAFSA IDREES
66
because I was nothing without Him; I had no
worth, any value. I