All The Noose That's 99Fit to be Tied

THE NEWSPAPER FOR SCIENCE STUDENTS VERSION 5 .02 • OCTOBER 7, 199 1

v TE OR DIE !I

1

Sandra MahInternal V P

Yes, look out Rita Johnsto nand Mike Harcourt, th eScience Undergrad Society i sholding its own elections.There haven't been any scan-dals, but the competition i sstiff! This year there are sixfirst-years running for thecoveted two spots as First-Year Reps, and four second -years vying for three Second-

Hennings (CP)

In the aftermath of the recentattempted S .U.S . takeover,dramatic changes have oc-curred in the leadership ofPhyssoc, the once powerfu lclub behind the unsuccessfulcoup . With President MarkHoenig and Vice-presidentErick van Selst still in hidin gfrom S .U.S . security forces ,Sarah Thornton, former Secre-tary /Treasurer has consoli -

Year Rep positions . Overall ,though, turnout was disap-pointing . Although all depart-ment (except for GeneralScience and Oceanography )and year rep spots were filled,a few more contested position swould have made the election smore exciting! All first andsecond year Science studentsare encouraged to get out an dVOTE !

dated power. In what Physsocpress releases call a process o f"constitutional reform" ,Thornton has assumed the newpostion of Comptroller -General .In an interview with the 432 ,Thornton denied that thedissappearance of Hoenig al I dvan Selst would have anyaffect on the day to dayrunning of the society ."Those plebian #$@!%s basi-cally did whatever I told them,

to SUS Council 's Newes tMembers (in by acclaimation)

Year Rep s3rd Year :

Jeff ChenPatrick LumChris Sin g

4th Year:

Wendy MaElaine Won gK.C. Wright

anyway. The only differenc eit should make is that withthem gone, our volleyball teamshould stand a chance ofwinning" . She then proceededto outline a course of plannedaction including a wine &cheese party for physic sfaculty, students and physsocmembers to be held on Friday ,October 25 following th eThursday General Meeting .Physsoc will continue to offerits regular services to mem -

Department RepsBiochemistry : Kitty YowBiology : Cheryl BrownBiopsychology : Edna ChanChemistry: Steven RoCompSci: Zain KhandwalaGeography : Todd RandallGeology: Ed Ronyec zGeo/Astro : Ian PerryMath : Dennis Cho wMicrobiology : Grant QuanPharmacology: Dean Jone sPhysics: Troy MillingtonPhysiology : Charlene Fell

bers, such as free use of studycarrels, microwave, fridge ,and phone. The regular sale sof coffee, donuts, muffins and($.75) pop will continue ,allthough Thornton wasannounced that only oatmea ltofu muffins will be sold in thefuture.The new Physsoc leaderrevealed that it was not onlyloyalty to S .U.S . that pre -vented her from joining herformer fellow executives, bu talso a general disinclination tobe involved in open silliness ."Those guys were alway sembarassing me in public" saidThornton . "From now on, wewill begin a silliness crack-down in Physsoc ." In otherdiscussions with the 432 ,Thornton deplored the increas-ing incidence of advertisment sdisgused as apparently realnews stories.

RUPERT IS ANAUGHTY BEAR Toronto (CP)

A recent episode of thechildrens' animated series,Rupert the Bear, has beenrecalled after it was discoveredthat the background art in on esequence contains book sbearing titles like: "Matrons inLeather" and "Spanking ." Thechairman of the Toronto-base dNelvana, which producesRupert, said that "appropriateaction" would be taken.

Contested Positions1st Year :

Janice BoyleNancy CherryLica ChuiMinaz FazalRyan McCuaigEllen Yeung

2nd Year :

Daniel BakerGlen DavidFahreen Rawj iJareu

Szolomick i

INGREDIENTS

Editorial 2

Drake on TRIUMF 3

Between the Lines 3

Dik Miller

4

Pseudoscience

4-5

Sociopath

4,6

Candidates

5

Sports

5

Organized Grime 6

Forced. Entries

Mundane Dumpster 7

Conspiracy Rant 7

May contain tracequantities ofstrichnine.

Keep out of the reachof small children .

Congratulations and Welcom e

DEl ERY

6y D4vid ,Sotlka

C i1F1~ /tIaST fxcJLLZN7'/ £Yhb6p/N6 7/41E LoA4 7A4/ ;r, 44D ;S)'

M4/e/7-4/N/wb /Sa 7Htz°4 L- CANo/Tio4sIn/ T//' COI , 77O~V 4.4- Sir/r/e, 47e >NYPA'CeA1C40NS , T; .c-sr'= p/CCU

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To g/t C/;oN /

PHYSSOC IN POST-COUP OVERHAUL

Page Two

The Four Thirty-Two Version 5 .02 • October 7, 199 1

This is the regular editorialcolumn . Out of deference tothe readership of the 432, Ipromise not to talk about mypenis . Or my dog ' s penis. Infact, I'll make a sincere effortto not be too self-indulgentwith the paper, above andbeyond the level expected ofan editor . I hope that theseverbal assurances are adequate,but I want you to trust an dbelieve me, so I am preparedto take the editor-readercontract one step further an dlay my gonads on the table, s oto speak—oh shit, I'm reallysorry, I didn ' t mean. . .jeez, Iguess I already screwed up.Oh well .

I study Aikido. That neversurprises anybody these days ,since martial arts instructionfor middle class white boysisn't so much of a rarityanymore . Its not like I have togo to Japan or anything totrain . Aikido is a littl edifferent from other arts.Unlike Karate, which is the artof breaking stacks of bricks, o rJudo, which is the art ofgrabbing people by the lapel sand throwing them out of bars,Aikido is the art of convincin gpeople that they want to hol don to your wrist while youlock their joints into unnatura lpositions and spin them aroundin circles until they get dizzyand fall over . (By the way, ifany of my Aiki-colleagues arereading this, please don't tellSensei) . Unlike Karate andJudo, which require you toperform many sets,of fingertippush-ups to get into shape,Aikido doesn't demand thatyou have any kind of realphysical strength . In fact, thestudent is actively encouragedto cultivate a noticeable sakigut, so that he/she looks kin dof like The Buddha .

The idea in Aikido is that i fsomeone charges you, you justsort of step to the side and tripthem. This amazingly esotericprinciple is sometimes called"redirecting your opponent' senergy ." I myself have onlybeen studying Aikido for a fewyears, so I haven't masteredthe stepping to the side part.Sometimes I don ' t get out ofthe way quite fast enough .Sensei (teacher) assures m ethat this is just a matter o fexperience, and that only thereally advanced practitionershave perfected this technique .Aikido's philosophy is strictlydefensive, which means wedon't learn how to attackpeople from behind, orpuncture their lungs with ourbare hands . In a way, I likethis non-aggressive aspect ofthe art most of all, although Iadmit that the spiffy unifor m(called a gi) is also a big draw .Oddly enough, there is acomponent to Aikido that

Patrick

BEDDING

involves the use of weapons .The man who developed theart as a student of traditionalJapanese weapons schools, s othere is a considerable similar-ity between Aikido and oldersamurai arts . This occasion-ally-results in disturbing classdiscussions in which Sense iassures us that "he himself ha snever killed anyone," whileexplaining that a quick thrus twith a spear must be followedimmediately by a snap with-drawal, before the opponent' smuscles can seize up . Onerecent such lecture revolvedaround the proper swordtechnique for killing oneperson in a crowd, withouthitting anyone else . Person-ally, I always take these littlechats with a grain of salt, sinc eSensei is a counselling psy-chologist, and I can't really seehim employing these moves i nthe halls of a junior hig hschool .

The dojo (school) where Itrain currently is not the firstfor me. When I started out, itwas at an Aikikai in San Dieg owith a very different Sensei ,who is named Chiba . Chiba -Sensei is known widely in theAikido world for being veryintimidating. I know thatwhen I first saw him, he wasstalking around the trainingmat with a very serious expres-sion on his face . Sometime she would sit down on a narro wbench, cross his arms andwatch his students practic etheir techniques . He didn ' ttalk very much, although hedid hiss occasionally . Whenhe would demonstrate a newthrow or pin, all of the student swould be lined up in a row ,trying not to slouch for fearthat he would catch them andshout something belligerent inJapanese. Then, withoutlooking at anyone in particular ,Chiba-Sensei would sort ofgesture vaguely, and EX-ACTLY the right seniorstudent would scramble to hi sfeet and, sweating, prepare toattack the instructor . Whichprecise attack the student wassupposed to execute depende don the position of Sensei' sfeet, and how he rolled hiseyes toward the ceiling. Thenext minute or so wouldconsist of Sensei "discourag-ing" the student's rapidly -waning assaults . The trick forthe rest of us was to not get sodistracted by the crackingnoises that we didn't notic ewhich technique was beingshown, since Chiba-Senseididn ' t believe in speakingduring these demos, and wewere expected to copy hi smoves accurately . I found thi sall very impressive up to thepoint that I was called up for ademonstration, and discovere djust how much force. per

square inch it takes to breakthrough wood panelling .

I stayed at that school until Imoved up to Victoria, where Ieventually found another dojo .This one was very different . I tdidn't smell like pee for on ething, but the teachers werealso different . They talked ,sometimes even in English ,and very slowly demonstratedeach technique step by step .They all seemed to hav ebeards and jobs for computercompanies, or little hobbyfarms on Saltspring Island.They didn ' t hiss very much . Idiscovered an important factabout western martial artists ,which is that they do not placenearly so much stock o nlooking dour, and preparing todie before class, as thei rJapanese counterparts. Thetraining was still fairly tradi-tional, but it lacked thatelement of imminent doomthat kept us on our toes i nChiba-Sensei's school .

Well, I've been at mycurrent dojo for severalmonths now, and find it to be ahappy compromise betweenthe dogmatic, bushido-drive napproach of Chiba, and theZen surfer ethic employed bythe New Age Aikidoists on th eisland. My new instructorlikes to lecture us about properetiquette, but he is very jolly .He particularly gets a chuckleout of the way that I bounc eoff my head when he demon-strates a throw on me. Except-ing the times that it feels likeSensei ' s tormenting me forfun, I generally enjoy classes ,and will probably continue tostudy once the back bracecomes off.

Do I really need to elabo-rate? Danger is my middl ename .. .

The 432TM

©1991 The Science Undergrad Society

Version 5.02October 7, 199 1

Edito rPatrick Reddin g

Layou tRyan McCuai gPatrick Reddin g

Writer sMorgan Burk eCharlie Ch oJaret Cla yAaron Drak eJustin Fellen zClement Fun gMark Hoeni gMike Hamilto nSandra Ma hRyan McCuai gDerek Mille rPatrick Reddin gGio Vasson eRoger Watt s

Illustrator sPatrick Reddin gDavid Sovk aRoger Watt s

Printin gCollegePrinters Ltd.vancouver, b e

Distributio nThe Armies o fThe Night, Inc .

BIOCHEMISTRY, PHARMACOLOGY ANDPHYSIOLOGY

BZZR GARDEN

Friday, October 18th, 199 15:30 - 7 :30

WOOD IRC 1

Old Physiology 301 exams (Dec 86 - April 91) completewith answers, will be sold

Version 5.02 • October 7, 1991 The Four Thirty-Two

Page Three

A TRIUMF of technolog y

I have no doubt that youhave all been wondering whatmy opinion is on TRIUMF .For those of you out there tha tdon ' t follow the topsy-turvyromantic world of the particlephysicist' , TRIIJMF will verysoon be able to buy new lettersto make a brand new acronym :KAON 2 . To date, close to abillion dollars of funding hasbeen committed to this ne wparticle accelerator.

As a person who uses th eterm physicist very loosely, inthat I spent six years to get adegree in physics, but I don'tknow a kaon from my elbow ,my feelings are mixed . I mustboth commend and frow nupon the fact that physicists ,on the whole, are UNIMAGI-NATIVE BOOBS .

The fact that they ar eunimaginative boobs is a goodthing because, unlike thei rsouthern counterparts, thereisn't a single flowery word i nthe name of their projects . It isnot called SUPERconductingSUPERcolliding SUPERrnach-inc.

Rather, it is calledKAON. Its purpose is to makekaons . This is simple . If youask me what the SUPERcollid-ing SUPERconductingSUPERthingamajig in Texasdoes, I would assume it createsSubatomic Adjectives . If yo uask me what KAON produces ,I would venture that it create s(get ready) kaons (! )

There is also a drawback

Charlie ChoBetween the Lines

After finding myself quitelost in the Main Library 'sstacks, I emerged from theleather-bound jungle with m ytreasure : Nostradamus :Countdown to Apocalypse, byJean-Charles de Fontbrune .Within its black hard coverslay the prophecies of th eworld's most famous seer .According to Liz Green ,Nostradamus "has bee ndescribed as everything from aRoscrucian initiate, intimatewith the secrets of God, to adrunkard whose badly rhymedquatrains are a dubiousalternative to the proverbialpink elephant ." Over the lasttwo years, the Big N' sCenturies have been analyze dto see if they predicted the Fal lof Communism, the Gulf War ,and other Big Capital LetterStuff. And lo and behold, i twas found that among hi swritings were passages relatingsome events quite similar t othese recent affairs of theworld:Century IV, 32In those times and places thatmeat gives way to fish

Aaron

DRAKEto these physicists beingunimaginative boobs. If youcan excuse me for bein gobvious, they have no imagi-nation . The purpose of KAONis to smash subatomic particlestogether . The purpose ofTRIUMF was to smashsubatomic particles together .The purpose of very particleaccelerator is to smash SUBa-tomic particles together. I amtired of this.

Why isn't there areSUPERatomic particlesmasher? Then they couldjustify the use of the adjective .I cannot see subatomic par-ticles ; their collisions are quiteboring, I must imagine . Thereis no smoke and there is n osound. What we need i sparticles larger than atom sbeing smashed together. Thatwould be great .

I have done extensiv eresearch into superatomicparticle smashing at home ,most recently with two eggs .However, due to the extrem eprimitiveness of my apparatusthe first egg missed the othe rentirely . Instead, I had acollision between an egg and aNext-Door Neighbour' sPorsche (so the experimen twasn't a complete loss . I hatemy Next Door Neighbour) . Tothe best of my recollection thi scollision has never been donebefore, and it produced lots o finteresting sub-egg particles ,most notably egg-shell par-ticles .

The common law shall bemade against it;The old will hold strong, thenremoved from the scen eThen All Things Commo namong Friends shall be set.aside."All Things Common amongFriends" obviously representsCommunism . This quatrai nunquestionably predicts th eeconomic decline of theUSSR, the hardliners' attempt sto resist reform, and theeventual Decline of Commu-nism .Century VI,2When those of the Arctic Pol e(the US, Europe and the USSR ,of course) are united togetherIn the East, there shall be agreat fear and dreadA new man (Saddam Hussein )elected, supported by the grea tone who trembles (weapons ofmass destruction)Rhodes and Byzantium (th eMiddle East) shall be stainedwith Barbarian blood .Then, of course, there are theother predictions which havealready been realized . Theyinclude: the execution of

My funding is quitelimited, and I cannot repeat theexperiment. That is whyKAON should take the lead i nsuperatomic research . With abillion dollars they couldextend my research beyon deggs to very ripe watermelons,or even Winnebagos.Wouldn't that be great?Winnebagos! Hurtling toward seach other at velocities nearthe speed of light3 ! Think ofthe sounds that would make! Awhole new branch of physics !We could call it Physics ThatInterests People Who WatchTruck And Tractor Pulls .

Or we could go the otherroute and smash subatomi cparticles at velocities verymuch less than the speed ;Alight. We get enough highspeed collisions . What if wesmashed them together at afew kilometres an hour? Thenwe could find brand newthings out about these particleslike :

1) Do they havebumpers?

2) What are the proper -ties of a dented electron ?

Better yet, delving intothe hyperslow region, w ecould mail the subatomicparticles towards each other,perhaps without sufficien tpostage (Which brings me tomy idea for safely storingnuclear waste, but that' sanother topic) .

I first though that wecould also smash mailmentogether at very high veloci-ties, but further researchproved that impossible.Canada Post workers obey th eSpecial Theory of Relativity ,and no matter how fast th eobserver is moving, theCanada Post worker alway sappears to be moving slowly .

Regardless, the possibili-ties are endless. That is why I

Marie Antoinette, the rise an dfall of Napolean, Hitler's ThirdReich, major wars, etc . (adnauseum) .My own recent studies of theBig N's writings have revealedshocking new evidence thatsuggests that some of themmay relate directly to our owncorner of the world:Century VI, 67To the great Empire (thepowerful Alma Mater Society) ,quite another shall comeBeing distant from goodnes sand happines sGoverned by one of baseparentage (Jason Brett)The Kingdom (UBC) shal lfall, a great unhappiness.And:Century VIII . 8 7A conspired death shall cometo an effectChange given and a journey ofdeathElected, created, received byhis own defeatedBlood of innocence before himby remorse .(Watch your back, Jason . )Finally, one of Nostradamus 'last predictions, previouslylost, reads as follows :

If the prospect of gettin gexposure for your art orwriting sends chills up anddown your spine, then youshould waste no time i nsubmitting something to the432 (me) . Of course, theentire paper is run on avolunteer basis. If you take ona specific photo assignment forus, then of course we wil lcompensate you for the cost offilm and development .It is not the policy of the 43 2

to publish on speculation : ifyou want to become a regularcolumnist, then you simplyneed to submit somethingevery issue. Written works,unless otherwise arranged with(me) should be no longer than1500 words . You may beasked to edit and resubmit anarticle which (I) feel is to olong for our regular format .The 432's main emphasis i soffbeat humor, but we alsohave a mandate to informwhere possible, so we wel-come serious articles too .Keep in mind that the 432 is afavorite of bleary-eye dstudents bored out of thei rskulls in an 8 :30 lecture withnothing but a stale sticky-bu nfor solace, so the key wor dhere is "short attention span . "

In order for an issue to be onthe stands by Monday, it has tobe delivered to the printers bythe previous Friday afternoon .So ideally, paste-up should becompleted by Thursday . Thismeans that the first drafts ofyour submissions should comein no later than the Mondaybefore a printing, so that ourstaff will have rewrite scompleted by Wednesday.Our layout people get about aweek to evaluate readerresponse,and make any formatchanges before the next issuehas to be planned.Cartoon or photo submissions

should be into us by Tuesda yat the latest, so that adequatespace can be provided .We determine the suitability

of each submission on a caseby case basis .

ubcastronomy

club• Learn to use a telescop e• Visit far away places, like :

Mexico, Penticton & Victoria• Have star parties• Meet interesting peopl e

-NEXT MEETIN Gwednesday, october 9 @ 5:30astronomy building room 14 2

The Kingdom's paper, twice aweek spewed ,Will come under great attac kand revoltThe numbered pages will fil lthe void wel lGallantly led by the Great RedEd .Hmmm. Until Next Time.. .

am announcing The 432 ' s veryfirst Worthless Duck Contest .Try and come up with a list o fthings that you would like tosee smashed together at veryhigh speeds, and I will readthem while sitting on the john .I may even print them withyour name in the next issue ,and the best one will get a T-shirt if everyone agrees tha tyou can have one.

Forbidden Topic s1)One may not suggest

that we smash Rita Johnso nand Mike Harcourt together.That is rude, offensive ,detracts from the election i ngeneral, and besides, I thoughtof it first .

2) One may not sugges t`v esious P ~Pviitr~aiiy Correc tbuzzwords be sped towardseach other at great velocities .There is an inherent danger ofdaughter particles being pro-duced that are even morestupid. For instance, if wesmashed together White MaleHeterosexuals Conspiracywith Womyn' s Oppression, wemight produce HeterosexualsWhales Oppressing Conspira-torial Women Mytes.

3) Do not suggest that w esmash together various S& Lexecutives, as that mightinterfere with future funding .' And who does ?2 (which stands for "ParticleAccelerator That ProducesSmall Particles CalledKAONs)

3 Filled with eggs !

Aaron is the nigh-legendary former editorof this very paper . He i sresponsible for a fair bitof what the 432 is today ;but now that he hasswitched into Arts, Idare say he thinks he' stoo good for us .

432 SubmissionGuidelines fo r

Writers and Artists

The Four Thirty-Two Version 5 .02 • October 7, 1991

Dik Miller, Arts .Faculty Adviso rPage Four

So, you want to be acreationist, do you?

We are fast approaching thetwenty-first century, and i ttakes a little more training thanit used to . You can't get by onBible thumping alone, any -more . We're nearing the turnof the millennium, and peopl ein this day and age won't takeblind faith or threats of eternaldamnation for an answer. Welive in the age of reason, andfolks can only be persuaded bylogic, facts and cold, hardevidence . In short, its n olonger enough to be a creation-ist . You must become aCreation Scientist.

Don ' t be worried about yourlack of training in the sciences.As a creation scientist, youwill not be required to under-stand the scientific method ,nor to conduct any research orexperiments . In fact, you willonly be required to familiarizeyourself with some basicscientific terminology andideas, and memorize somehelpful quotations . Advanceddegrees will be useful inestablishing your credibility ,even if they have nothing to d owith biology or science ingeneral . Especially helpful aredegrees in medicine or engi-neering, since they sound sortof scientific to the public's ear ,and will enhance your credibil-ity tremendously. Evendoctoral degrees in subjectssuch as Law or Philosophysound impressive to those whoare unaware of their irrele-vance to the subject.

In the following paragraphs ,you will be given some basicammunition to use againstevolutionists and their assortedatheist and communist cousins .The simple, easy-to-use anti -evolution arguments arepresented first, along with sug-gested tips for how to presen tthem for best effect. The morecomplex and difficult ideas aregiven last, and should only beresorted to by confident andseasoned creation scientists .

The Argument from Per-sonal Incredulity

This beautiful line of reason-ing is deceptively simple, andperforms admirably in shakin gfence-sitters off their , perche sand into the golden fields of

creationism . You begin byannouncing how difficult it isto understand how the blind ,random, unguided (theseadjectives are very important)forces of nature can accoun tfor all the infinite complexityof our world. You might saysomething like :

"How is it that the purelyrandom, uncontrolled forces ofblind chance can produce a norgan like the human eye ,which far surpasses in com-plexity and performance th emost advanced and expensivecomputers that modemtechnology can produce? "

If all goes well, your ac-quaintance will be unable torespond to this question, and

you can move on to more im-portant issues, like when yourBible study group meets .Sometimes your listeners willrecognize that your questionamounts to little more than anadmission of ignorance . Inthis event, a quick change ofsubject is in order .

The "It's Only a Theory"Argument

This one is also very simpleto use, and is devastating to theuneducated layperson . Simplyannounce evolution is only atheory (be sure to use the word"only "), and should be givenno more respect than othertheories like UFOs, psychicphenomena, and cold fusion .This argument undermines th ecredibility of all of evolution-ary science, and will assist youin categorically rejecting anyfuture counter-arguments andrebuttals that you don't fullyunderstand .

This argument ' s power i sderived from the fact that mos tpeople are incapable ofdistinguishing between theoryand speculation . If yourpotential convert tries to tellyou that UFOs, psychic phe-nomena, and cold fusion arenot theories at all, but unsub-stantiated observations, youwill know that he or she is no tone of these people . Do notgive up yet! It may still bepossible to save this personfrom eternal damnation !

The Probability Argumen tWARNING : This argument

involves dealing with numbersand other mathematical ideas !If yop are not comfortable withsuch concepts, then it may bebetter to feign lateness for anappointment, then to ge tfurther entangled in debate .

We know from experienc ethat it is not possible to solve ajigsaw puzzle by tossing all thepieces on the table, and hopingthey fall together in the rightplaces. How, then . can it bepossible that an entire protein ,consisting of thousands ofatoms, could self-assemblethrough the chance collision o fits constituent atoms? Howabout an entire living cell, con-sisting of trillions of atoms?Statistics tells us that thiscould not possible happen in amillion times the age of theuniverse. Therefore life couldonly have been methodicallyassembled by an intelligentGod .

This argument is elegant ,irrefutable, and is backed upsolid (albeit vague) mathemat-ics . When faced with thi sdaunting assemblage of facts ,many armchair evolutionistswill snap and admit the folly

of their ways. You may meeta few die-hards who willprotest that proteins and cellsdo not form as the result of thesimultaneous collision of theircomponent atoms. If you areunlucky enough to meet such aseasoned evolutionist, you wil lhave to resort to some ad -

continued next page

"But it 's aaaaawwww lraiiiiiight now," I was singing ."In fact it's a gas . "

I was in my new FacultyAdvisor's office (with my nameon the door) in the Buchananbuilding, and this being my lunc hbreak, I was letting off a littlesteam. I stepped from the floorto the top of my desk.

"But it's aaaaawwwwlraiiiiiight, Jumpin' Jack Flash i sa gas, gas, gas . . ." The metre stickI was using as an air guitar flailedmadly about in my arms . Istepped next from the desk tomy chair.

My rolling chair.

When I regained conscious-ness, my head felt rather swol-len . That was probably, I de-duced, because I was hangingupside down, wedged betweenthe side of my desk and the wall .I remembered vaguely havingscrambled like a mad, log-roll-ing forester as my chair rolle dout from under me, but that was

it.There was a knock at the door ."Just a minute," I said . I moved

to get out from next to the deskand answer the door . Unfortu-nately, both arms were pinned a tmy sides and my feet were stick-ing rather uselessly in the air . Icouldn't get out .

"Oh, man," I whined."Sorry?" said the woman out-

side the door."Nothing. I'll be with you

shortly ." I tried flinging my legsback and forth to dislodge my -self, to no avail .

"Is this door locked?" sheasked. Click . "I guess not . "

I was watching David Letter -man many months ago, rightafter the second Terminato rmovie had been released, tosee what sort of mayhem wasto be unleashed on that night' sguest, Arnold Schwarzenegge r(Since both of these gentlemenhave substantial gaps betwee ntheir two front teeth, the wholevisual effect was quite strik-ing) . Something Arnie said inhis conversation with Dav etwigged for me . When askedwhy he thought the Terminatormovie and character hadbecome so popular, the toothyAustrian thoughtfully repliedthat "Deep down, everyonewould like to be a machine fora little while," to not have toworry about the rights orwrongs of their individualactions, to be unburdened withemotion in the face of stress ,or as Arnie put it : "to be ableto get the job done . "

I found his comment intrigu-ing, because I knew that I had

Derek K .

MILLE RFrom my position all I could

see was apairofNike Airs clompthrough the doorway.

"Er, hi," I said weakly ."Mr. Miller?""Yes, that's me . ""What are you doing back

there?""Hanging .""Oh," she replied. "Anyway ,

you lied. ""I did?""Yes. You said that the best

thing to do about my low mark inHistory was to go tell the prof to`Piss off, you old fart.' He low-ered my mark from aPto an Fwhen I did that. "

"Well," I said, "um . . .Couldyou help me get out of here?"

"Sure . No problem . "TheNikeAirs plodded up to my desk. Shegrabbed my feet and gave thema violent heave, causing me tofall over sideways, pivoting on afulcrum formed by the back ofmy head and my nose, until Iwas lying sideways on the floor .

"Ow, " I said . I used my righthand to push myself along thecarpet so I could get my head outfrom behind the desk. Unfortu-nately, my chin caught on one o fthe legs. I was stuck again .

"Not only that," the studentwas continuing, "but he said thatif I ever did that again, he woul dhave me banned from any His-tory courses I might want to takein the future . "

"Urn, excuse me, but I'm still

stuck . Could you pull the deskout from the wall a bit?" I asked .

"Fine, fine." She walked tothe end of the desk and soon Iwas free. I stood up and rubbedmy nose. I could now recogniz e

on occasion thought alon gthose lines myself. Whoamong us hasn't, on someoccasion, said to themselves:"Screw it. I don't wanna dealwith any people today . I hatepeople . I just wanna get frompoint A to B . I hate buses . "Anyone? Anyone? Oh ComeON! When you hit that pointwhere you are just too exasper-ated to actually be enraged, bu teveryone around you seemsugly, or determined to makelife difficult for you, it is anatural (albeit heavily sup -pressed) lizard-brain responseto fantasize about impassivel yhosing the immediate areawith gunfire . NOT that thi sreaction isn't a problem, orcannot build up to a catastro-phe. Enough wackos have toolittle control over their fight orflight mechanism that everyonce in a while one of the mwalks into a schoolyard o rfast-food restaurant andindulges in little live-fire

her as a student I had helped theprevious week.

"Now, what was it you weresaying?"

She looked exasperated. "I toldmy History prof to `Piss of, youold fart,' and he lowered mymark instead of raising it, andhe's threatened me with censurefrom other History courses ."

"I see." I pulled on my chinthe way people do to look likethey're deep in thought . "If youactually wanted a higher markand wanted to take more Historycourses, telling him to piss off .was a pretty stupid thing . "

"But you told me to do it! ""No, actually I merely sug-

gested it. ""And you said it would make

things better!""That depends on your defini-

tion of `better.' I meant it interms of emotional well-being.You were obviously very frus-trated, so I thought that tellingyour prof to piss off would re-lieve you of some tension."

"But he failed me in thecourse! "

"You have to pay the price forspeaking your mind sometimes ,you know." I smiled .

She didn't. "I'm a Historymajor! This could screw up m yentire degree! "

"Look, would you rather hav esome stupid piece of paper orhave a clear conscience, know-ing that you were honest? "

She said nothing, but simpl yturned a deep shade of red andstormed out, heading for the chiefFaculty Advisor's office nextdoor .

That was easy, I thought . Iguess she finally saw my point .

So far this job has been abreeze.

Derek Miller, past 432 edi-tor and UBC graduate, canbe found busking the streetsof downtown with his merryband of minstrels.

catharsis at the expense o fsome innocent's vital signs .But the fact remains thatperfectly healthy folks (a shealthy as anyone can be in asociety that suffers from sleepdeprivation and type-Apersonality) find themselvesinexorably attracted to the ideaof someone who does not haveto play by the rules of humanmorality .

This may be an extension ofthe same bizarre fascinationthat compels millions ofviewers to tune into soapoperas in which the mainprotagonists are more or les scontinuously screwing eachother, in both senses, and ye talways manage to walk out ofany traumatic situation (howwould you deal with therevelation that you're yourown dead, evil twin?) withlittle more on their minds thanwhat to wear to the annualChristmas episode . This is no t

continued on page si x

Morgan BurkeThe Pseudoscientist

Patrick ReddingThe Whole World Loves A Sociopath

Version 5.02 • October7,1991 The Four Thirty-Two

Page Five

Open Mouth, Insert Boot The SUS candidates prove,

that they can indeed spea k

TODD RANDALLGeography 4Dept Rep

"Although few in numbers ,some 60 Physical Geographer sstrong, I bring their voices toS .U.S ., and in return, bring thedirectives of the "Post: CoupCouncil" back to the depart-ment . "I encourage students to beaware of events that occuraround them (i .e. referendums,meeting quorums, SU Sevents, . . .) U.B .C . can be agreat time, Tuum est!"

JANICE BOYLE1st Year Re p

"As are of the thousand firs tyear representative candidate swho are in cut-throat competi-tion for two spots, I'm going totell you the single mos timportant fact that welldistinguishes me from all othe rcandidates! My name is JaniceBoyle, and it is the first nameon the ballot . (They haveobviously already ranked us) .If you want to stay informe dabout what year S .U.S . isdoing and what is available foryou, just mark the first nam eon the list: Janice Boyle . "

JARECK SZOLOMIC K2nd Year Rep

"Dear students ,Jarek Szolomick is running foryour Science rep . Now it' s

vanced Creation Sciencetactics .

Suggestions for Advance dCreation Scientists

If you are extremely confi-dent in your ability to under-stand numbers and pronouncelong words, then you mayhave a great career ahead ofyou in Creation Science . Fee lfree to break new ground inthe field ; the possibilities arelimitless! To begin with, yo umay want to investigate thefollowing avenues, pioneeredby the great Creation Scientists .of our time.

Authoritative Quotation :How better to disproveevolution than to do so b yquoting the scientists them -selves? A very popular an deffective technique with non-academics is that of quotin gevolutionists criticizing eachother ' s work. If carefully pre-sented, such quotes canproduce the impression thatevolution is a fractious andbitterly divided science withlittle hope of ever resolvinganything .

Misdefinition : This is the artof transforming the meaning ofirrefutable quotations an dideas, by redefining certai ncritical terms . Science is fullof jargon and terminolog ywhich is largely nonsensical tothe non-expert. By supplyingconvenient creationist defini-tions for these words andconcepts, one can transform

your turn to make a change inthis place or keep it the way itis . Remember every votecounts . My goal is to improve.the quality of education thatwe are getting for our hardearned money as well ascreating more activities wherewe all can relax and enjoy life.Oct 9-11 . Be there!"

CHRISTOPHER M. SING"Hi everybody. What's themeaning of life . Obviously ,the answer lies within therealm of science . Being one ofthree, three year reps, we'll doour best to keep you informedon the latest fashionablechanges to your curriculum'sother material . Hoping thatwe'll have a magnificientprosperous years with tons ofsurprizes and excitement :. "

WENDY MABiology 44th Year Rep

"Hello! My name is Wendyand I'm fourth year Biologystudent. As this is my last yearin Science, I figure I'd bettercontribute to my faculty beforeI graduate. So, take advantageof my office hours and comechat with me at the S .U .S . Seeya there! Have an awesomegraduation year, folks . "

DENNIS CHO WMath 4

Morgan Burke_continuedfrom last page

any evolutionist idea into itsopposite. With practice, youshould be able to accuratelyquote any prominent scientist ,and with judicious use ofmisdefinition, make him soundlike a born-again creationist .

The Second Law of Thermo-dynamics: The second law is aprime target for misdefinition(see above). Using a re-defined version of this unas-sailable physical principle, onecan quite conclusively provethat life cannot spontaneousl yform or evolve withoutintelligent intervention. Bestof all, the general inscrutabilityof thermodynamics makes i thighly unlikely that you wil lmeet with someone whoknows more about the secondlaw than you .

These are the fundamental sof Creation Science . Once youhave mastered them, you canmove on to more challengingsubjects, such as proving thatthe earth is less than 10,000years old, that humans an ddinosaurs co-existed, and tha tevolution is disproved bymolecular biology and infor-mation theory. Finally, youmight aspire to achieve theholy grail of Creation Science :the derivation of all of mode mphysics, chemistry, an dbiology from the first chapterof Genesis.

Morgan holds exclusiverights to the title of "gentle -man and scholar."

Math Dept RepMEMORANDUMTO :

Pat ReddingFROM :

Dennis Cho wRE:

Math Dept Rep

BLURB :

"Om .. ."

ELLEN YEUN GScience 11st Year Rep

Profile of Ellen Yeung :

Desire : running for 1st yearScience Rep. ..and MissCanadaWhy university? : to avoid the`real world' for a while longerWhy run for 1st year ScienceRep?: Just one of them indi-vidualistic things that aperson's gotta do .Why vote for me? : I don'tBITE (pen caps suffice fornow)Don't know me?: Flashyour wallet or beam your smile360 degrees . I'll find you.

ELAINE WON GPharmacology 44th Year Rep

"Hiya! My name is Elain eWong and I'm a fourth-yearpharmacology student who' srunning for position as Fourth -year Rep . I've been involvedwith SUS for a while now andyou may remember me from

Welcome to science sports !the last couple of weeks havebeen hellish in the intramuralsoffice, mostly due to thatenormous Festival, the Arts`20 Relay . I'm glad to sayScience contributed 11 ofthe157 total teams that racedfrom Vancouver GeneralHospital to UBC campus lasSunday, Sept. 29. The entiretrek came off with out a hitch ,an incredible credit to both theintramurals staff and partici-pants .

But enough of past glories ;the future brings noon run severy Tuesday and Friday at12 :30 pm at the South SUBPlaza as well as an array oftouraments in tennis, squashand wallyball . Preliminarie shave begun in all the majorteam sports . To place teams intheir popular divisions, be sureto support your friends onscience teams if you're notparticipating yourself .

Upcoming special event sinclude the Turkey Trot Oct.11, Orienteering Oct . 17 ,Mountain Bike Event II Oc t24, Wallyball Wingding I Nov2, Racquetball Tourney I No v2, Bookstore 3-On-3 Basket-ball Tourney Nov 3, Trimbles

all those blurbs I made abou tSUS and the Biochemistry,Pharmacology, and PhysiologyClub in the last two years . I'malso a member of the GradCouncil cuz I want everyone tohave an excellent grad . I thinkI'd be a great rep cuz I'm no tafraid of making in-classannouncements, I'm friendly ,and having fun is my # 1priority! "

LICA CHUIScience 11st Year Rep

"Here's my straightforwardway to dodge an issue : thewriting of a blurb . You, apotential voter should vote fo rLica for FIRST YEAR SCI-ENCE REP, because if youdon't : you'll get seven yearsof bad luck, you're chemica lequations won't balance,you'll get stuck in the longes tline, the phone will only ringwhen you're in the shower,you'll . . .you get the picture.So, broaden your mind (put astick of dynamite in each ear) .Please, vote for Lica Chun, 1stYr . Rep ., on election day. "

NANCY CHERRYScience 11st Year Re p

Hey Dudes!! I'm NancyCherry and I'm running fo rS .U .S . first year rep so I canorganize some super-fu nevents for you. Vote for me

Jaret

CLAYC[RCVSSCIENTIFICVSRevenge 10 km run Nov 7, andthe 3-On-3 Volleyball Tourne yNov 9 .

Now, for the grand Finale ,the next huge special event i sthe Day of the LongboatFestival, Saturday Oct 26 .Registration is from now unti lOctober 18th at the cost of$175 for each 10 man/woman/corec team . Remember ,science will refund 50% of thatcost just for your signing up

your crew as "Science"So the final word is "get

involved ." Okay, so it's twowords; but the message staysthe same : we get intramuralssports points for Science everytime you participate in anintramurals event. Take partand always have a good time ,even if it kills you .

So long for now ,

Jaret ClaySports Rep

Jaret spends a great dealof his time warding offthe diabolical forces tha toccasionaly pop by theoffice to claim his soul.

because in Science, not onlydo we have to study hard, butwe have to play hard too !

.;iFF CHENCell Biology 33rd Year Rep

"I'm Jeff Chen and I will beserving as your 3rd year S .U.S .Rep. Fortunately, I don' tstudy as much, so I'll havemore time to listen to yourquestions or concerns . So getout there and vote . "

PATRICK LUM3rd Year Rep

"By v' lce-tUi esiuetiiia iDecree, it is hereby proclaimedthat as part of the post-coupreshuffling, Patrick Lum is tobe demoted from 2nd YearRep/Chung Wong Fan Clu bPresident, to SUS 3rd YearRep. "

RYAN MCCUAI G1st Year Rep

"He's not Socred. He 's notNDP. What more do youwant?"

Daniel BakerI'm a biology major, I have held manydiverse positions of power, I can andwill help any who want it .Vote Dan . Do you need a reason?

Editor's Note: See whathappens when you handthings in late ?

fermiquestion:Based entirely onyour estimation ofthe average flux ofcars on thehighway, and arough knowledgeof the populationdistribution offeral animals inthe wild,determine theapproximatequantity of road-kill generated eachyear in Canada, inkilograms, or cubicmeters .

Page Six

The Four Thirty-Two Version 5.02 • October 7, 199 1

Roger Watts (and his pet dog "Plagiarism")Organized Grime

Patrick Reddiniccontinue

So there I was, just me an dthe entire California Womens 'Under-20 Gymnastics Team ,with nothing but the uneve nbars and half a gallon ofHershey's Syrup —oh, pardo nme. Wrong publication .

Wow, a column in The 432 .Top o' the world, Ma . I haveto say that this is a king-sizedtreat . (Although, granted,there are some really greatking-size treats out there thatdon't involve beating yourMacintosh senseless for twoweeks trying to shake offwriter's block .) There wereactually a lot of things thatmade me come down to SUSand grovel for a corner of PageWhatever to hide in :

1) Needed something to fillin these mounds of free timebetween Chem 203 labs andDouble-Calculus classes;

2) My Mac has beenspoiled rotten lately, bein gused predominantly for Tetris ,and really hasn't been gettin genough serious abuse;

3) Lacked a real coo lnickname like "Dik " ;

4) Get to smile quietly tomyself hearing frosh womenwhisper, "Ooo, he writes forthat funny newspaper!" [ed.note : "Really? They really saythat?"] ;

5) Get to feel the smilerapidly sag when they say ,"Yeah, I'll bet he couldintroduce us to AaronDrake!!" , and give in to prima ljealousy ;

6) Mentally speculate thatAaron Drake would havetrouble finding his teeth withhis eyes swollen shut.

So just to break the ice I' dlike to ask: have you read TheHitchhiker's Guide to theGalaxy? (For some reason ,this friend of mine, Elli eLathrop, figures that this is thegreatest pick-up line of al ltime. Then again, she is aSocial Work student, so thereyou go.) If you have, then youknow that the Pan GalacticGargle Blaster is the best drinkin existence . Until now, nohuman has ever made one, butmy buddy Andrew and I havemanaged to put somethin gtogether that has roughly thesame overall effect on thebody (somewhat akin to bein gused for a hockey puck by theby the Jolly Green Giant, ho-ho-ho) . Try it, if you dare:

THE PAN GALACTI CGARGLE BLASTER, original

recipe(with translation into everyday

-

English )

1 . "Take the juice from on ebottle of that of Janx Spirit. "(1 oz . Bacardi 151 . You know ,that evil stuff that says, "Keepaway from flame" on the label .Acceptable substitutes includeSmirnoff 50%, or any one of anumber of zesty organicsolvents, available from yo uChem TA at one low, lo wprice .)

2. "Pour into it one measureof water from the seas o fSantraginus V." (1 oz. tequilajust about covers this . Ifyou're really suicidal, try 2 oz .We did. We paid the pricelater, of course . . . )

3. "Allow three cubesArcturian Mega-gin to mel tinto the mixture (it must beproperly iced or the benzene i slost) ." (1 oz . ice-cold lemongin . The benzene's optional ;see above re . organic sol-vents.)

4. "Over the back of aspoon, float a measure ofQualactin Hypermint Extract . "(Ignore the spoon bit ; every -body knows that's too hard todo when you're hosed anyway .Chuck in a generous ounce-and-some of PeppermintSchnapps . This stuff is wha treally makes the drink. )

5. "Allow four liters o fFallian marsh gas to bubblethrough it, memory of all thosehappy Hikers who have died ofpleasure in the Marshes ofFallia. " (Top up with a fruity ,bubbly mix of some sort ; wefound a mixture of raspberryginger ale and OJ workedreally well . )

6. "Drop in the tooth of anAlgolian Suntiger . " (Throw ina sugar cube and watch it fizz ,an action which become sabsolutely fascinating by abou tthe third drink or so . )

7. "Sprinkle Zamphuor. "(We don't have a clue what thehell Zamphuor is, so go for th egusto and sprinkle on someTabasco sauce. The key wordhere is sprinkle, believe me . )

8. "Add an olive ." (For al lyou Artsies —add an olive .)

Drink —but very carefully . . .Trust us on this one, boy s

and girls . It's really quitetasty .

Of course, actually puttingthe thing together was anadventure in itself, and by nomeans a project to be take nlightly . Ultimately, w edecided that a party in our ,quad (Gagespeak for where welive, if ya didn't know), wasthe only fitting way to intro-duce our creation to the public .So, after staring at the Guidefor several hours trying tofigure out what we could nutin it without making ourselvestoo ill, we gleefully jumpedinto the Brown Hornet andzoomed off to every UBCresident ' s favorite store. Thisis of course the Liquor Storeon 4th and Alma, aka The LickPalace ; as in, "Hey, let's goget some lick for tonite." (TheBrown Hornet, by the way, i smy 1981 Honda Accord, s onamed because . . . well, obvi-ously because its brown, bu talso because it has gaping holein the muffler and thus sound sa lot like a 4000-pound insect . )Having arrived at the Palace ,we amazed everyone presen tby buying enough hooch topermanently pickle a bluewhale before deafening them

as we drove off. (You see, thealready-loud Hornet-Buzz i samplified about tenfold in an ykind of enclosed parkin gstructure . Consequently, losesits resemblance to insect ofany size and starts to soundmore like a Cessna .) Thenbegan The Long Haul. Beingone of the unlucky multitudesthat didn't get a Gage parkingspot, using the car alway sinvolves a couple of 10-minut ewalks from B-Lot or so . Thisis an unenviable task empty -handed, let alone with anarmload of full bottles.

The scariest part about thewhole thing was carrying allthat stuff from the car to East _Tower without being rolled bya marauding pack of Engineers—they can smell case ofpartyproofing the quad an dreassuring our advisor tha tthere would indeed be a quadleft. Then came the Big Night,and the anticipation waskilling us . The guests begantrickling in, and we bided ou rtime, casually sipping brew sand awaiting the right moment .Finally, with a good crowd onhand and amidst much pompand ceremony, Andrew and Imixed two Pan GalacticGargle Blasters To Go .

Truth to tell, we were ratherdisappointed with the drink' sreception . Anyone that hasn' tbeen put right off by the kindsof things we were putting intothe glass, certainly were whenthey saw the drink's finalcolor . (but don't let that foo lyou, kids ; we're after functionhere, not frills . It really tastesOK, at least, as highly flam-mable mixtures go.) Wehappily gulped them down ,much to the shock and chagri nof anyone who hadn't alreadylost interest and started tryingto pick someone up ("Say,have you read The Hitch -hiker's Guide To The Gal-axy?"), and after a few minorconvulsions, mixed a couplemore . We knew that wewouldn't last long, but hey, w ewere secure in the knowledgethat we had gone Where NoOne In Their Right Min dWould Think About Going .

The party itself was a realhoot —at least, that's what Iheard . anyway . I can't recall .Funny how that works.

a newly-discovered phenom-ena . Modem North Americanmedia suffers from a seriou scase of bread-and-circuses .People like to watch evilcharacters do evil things andget away with it. Most of uswent to a school, or haveworked with some guy orwoman who could do and saythings that we always wante dto do or say ourselves, bu twere too scared to . Thosepeople always seemed to hav ea rather unhealthy influence onthose around them, the kind ofcharisma that comes withsincerely not giving a shit .Most of us put on that facadeevery now and then. That i scalled "acting cool," andvirtually noone is fooled by i tfor more than maybe thirtyseconds .

The cult of the Anti-Socialextends its embrace to a rangeof behaviors, from the rela-tively superficial "bad-boy "schtick of an Axel Rose or aJack Nicholson, to themorbidly fascinating psychosisof a Hitler, a Manson or aJeffery Dahlmer. It seems tome, and my perspective maybe completely off-kilter, thatthe ante is always being upped .Just as the violence on scree nis becoming more intense, an dthe audience is being desensi-tized, there is a correspondingwillingness on the part of theviewer to accept and eve nadmire the extremities o fbehavior exhibited by what inthe old days was known as an"anti-hero." Back in thefifties, there were a lot of "los tgeneration" pictures, featuringMarlon Brando or James Deanas the brooding, disenfran-chised youth, part of and ye tapart from the mainstream ofAmerican culture. Outlawshaye been hip since daynought, and some fairlyviscous ones at that. But it ha sonly been in recent years thatthe "end-justifies-means" ethi chas really gained acceptance .

Now I'm convinced that th einfatuation with Byronicvillains has taken the nex tlogical step . I finally managedto see Silence of the Lambs.Scared? Big Time, but notbecause of the standardsplatterflick devices (false .starts, fresh corpses, ra-

zorblade soundtrack) . I didn' treally get freaked out bySilence of the Lambs untilabout five minutes after thecredits scrolled by, and Icaught myself smiling . Whathad me so cheery? If youhaven't seen the picture, Idon't want to give too muchaway, but suffice it to say ithas one of the best escapes inmovie history . The villain, abrilliant psychiatrist namedHannibal Lector, who wasimprisoned for a series of can-nibalistic serial killings ,manages to escape his tempo-rary cell in a Tennessee court-house, eiuding some atypicallycompetent police in theprocess . The way he pulls itoff defies description, but it i sexceptionally bloody, bold andclever . And I think most ofthe audience admired him forit. Admittedly, his portrayalby Anthony Hopkins wascalculated to evoke comple-mentary reactions of fear andfascination, but in this regardthe result exceeded the bes texpectations of the director. I tis my contention that peopl eout there are really beginnin gto relate to the world's clinica lsociopaths .

A sociopath is defined as "anaggressively anti-socialpsychopath ." A psychopath ,in turn, is defined as "someonesuffering from a menta ldisorder such that they areamoral or incapable of distin-guishing between right andwrong." It's no big news flashthat the average human tires ofthe constant moral dilemmasthat one encounters on a day today basis . This certainl yexplains the whimsicalaffection for characters whoare free from those kinds ofdecisions . But modem urbanpeople suffer from an addi-tional pressure, namely a senseof being imprisoned or perse-cuted actively by an indifferentSystem, whatever that may be .Sometimes this high-densityneurosis gives way to thatgreat sovreign fifth force:rampant stupidity . Lost soul sseeking an easy out turn toexploitative religious institu-tions or slickly-promotedpolitical parties to divest themof the hard choices (andusually their money) . Otherssink deeper and deeper into acynical mire, adopting th eappropriate mean spirit toshield themselves . Thesepeople like the idea of not onl ybeing free of moral burden, butof being able to strike withimpunity at the things thattorment them. The late writerRobert Heinlein (who wasn ' treally one to talk) said that anyanimal ever observed has beenshown to go crazy if forcedinto overpopulation . "Humans," he said, "are the onlyanimals in the world thatactively seek out this condi-tion . "

LIMITED TIME OFFER . . .only available

until October 17, llo you vvantto :

be RICHbe FAMOUS

-be PUBLISHE Dant nluch, ;iuiuch nn're ?

Then the MICRO CL .U13 T SHIRTCONTEST 1s FOR YOU .

submit entries to SUB box 69 or to meetings

Version 5.02 • October 7, 1991 The Four Thirty-Two

Page Seven

because of the shape of th ebomb and the chair but a littleflatter one way than the other .Bob's mother took the ball outof the oven. It was hot. Bobgot bored watching it cool sohe went and played with th eTV. He came back to thekitchen when he wasn't boredanymore and said to hismother, "What is it? "His mother said, "A toy . Playwith it" .So Bob took his new bombe-lectricchairpastryball an dplayed with it . He took it t oschool and showed it to all theother children ."Silly," they said ."Dummy . Nobody plays wit hbombelectricchairpastryballs .Why don't you get a cyanom-ergotr°ansmogrovaporizer andplay war crimes like everyone;else . I bet you don't evenknow how to play suicide."Bob was very sad . He lovedhis bombelectricchairpastry-ball . He loved everything .Why didn't the children likehim? He put away his bombe-lectricchairpastryball in acloset behind his threadcollection and a piece of

Conspiracy of the Week _

Justin FellenzForced Entries

Bob went to the store to buy abomb, and an electric chair .Nobody knew why, except ofcourse Bob, who knew. Hewent to the store and bough tthese things and took themhome to his mother who sai dthat she needed them forbaking. She put them in th eoven, and Bob watched as theyrose and rose, and becam elarger. Bob's mother said sh ehad a surprise for him ."Watch" , she said ."Oh boy", he said .The electric chair began tomelt, and the arms began tobend in toward the bomb ,which was strapped to the seat .Bob could see this through thepastry which his mother hadput over the electric chair andthe bomb. Bob watched an dwatched, and the pastry roseand rose, and the chair go trounder and rounder, until itwas a ball around the bomband the pastry was a ballaround the chair and the wholething was a ball in the oven ,completely round almost

cherry pie . He demanded acyanomergotransmogrova-porizer. He got it and nobodystill liked him anymore . Thebombelectricchairpastrybal lmade friends with the cherrypie but Bob didn ' t know . Amothermadeelectricalexplosiveballand a cheap half-eaten piece o fstorebought pie, lovedeathmade life just like Earth .Where do babies come from . . . ?Bob went to the store to buy abomb and an electric chair .Nobody knew exactly why ,except of course Bob, wh othought he knew . He remem-bered his bombelectricchair-pastryball in the closet. It wasall mouldy . He rememberedhow much he had loved it . Heremembered that nobody likedhim. All these things wriggle din his mind . He picked up hisbombelectricpastryball anddropped it out of a windowfrom a long way up into a vatof acid . The pastry melted andBob's faces melted off hi sskulls and his brains drippedinto his liquified chest cavitiesinto his hearts . Then all thebombs went off but Bob didn' tknow.

BIOLOGY

GRADS

CompositePHOTOGRAPHS

NOW BEING TAKEN ATEVANGELOS .

EVANGELOSPHOTOGRAPH Y

3156 WEST BROADWAY ,TELEPHONE : 732-3023 / 731-831 4

FIVE MINUTES FROM THE UBC GATE S

(RAIN OR SHINE)

3156BROADWAY EVANGELOS

ORES ESRED ROBIN

WE ARE HERE

TJBOI 10TH AVENU E

Follow

-j T ..Si.

Brought to you by JeremyReimer, Bavarian Illuminat i

Is Burnout .

Burnout: all too commonstudent problem (these days) .Tempting to blame (typical)disorders like vomiting, hair-pulling, insane screaming ,spontaneous combustion o nstandard causes : 8:29 lectures ,three-hour labs, incornprehen-

Referenda : A UsersGuide .

Every year (mor eor less) the AMS at -tempts to pull off areferendum . The SUBwas paid for by stu-dents after the yvoted in favour of areferendum to buildit . In the last dec-ade, student politi-cians campaigne dfairly hard for aStudent RecreationFacility (RecFac) ,which the student s(apparently) did no twant . Eventually,the referendumfailed, but th eBoard of Governer shas decided to col-lect a fee for whichyou can voluntarilyapply to have re -funded . The point isthat a referendu mhas not been passedat UBC since October3, 1654 .

This Year is n oexception ; the AMSis going to ask stu-dents to vote in areferendum involving

sible professors, universityheads who resemble Musso-lini, Benito.

Truth more sinister (hide-ous) . For years, this has beenhidden from masses, in fearthat knowledge of processwould trigger violence, rioting ,unrest, etc .

But fact is : general publictoo apathetic to care abouteven profound matters .Bureau has decided to mak e

Michael J . HamiltonAMS Representativ,i

fee increases an ddisbursement o fcapital funds (read :Pit expandsions )this November . Thequestions are no tyet finalized, butthey will be pub-lished in the Ubys-sey and The Point inthe near future .(The Ubyssey, by theway is similar t oPlayboy; one readsPlayboy for the ar-ticles and the Ubys-sey for the ads .) Inany case you shouldfamiliarize yoursel fwith the question sand make an informeddecision in the ref-erendum . Due to theQuorum rules about2600 students mustvote in favour o fthe referendum fo rit to pass .

Put plainly, Mike is our hero .

truth known. This will divertattention from [rest of para-graph unreadable] .

Real cause of burnout is littlegreen worms (not seen)hanging from every tree oncampus by six-foot thread .They are (hideous) result ofbotched genetic engineeringexpeiment in behavior modifi-cation carried out by THEM inlate 60s . Often don't see themtil too late . They land on head ,

G-Strings:Buon Juorno . A wel-

come to-a my article. As-a you'va heard, de SU SCouncil elecciones are-acomin op on de 9-11 ofOctober. I'd-a jost like toencourage-a you all to acome out and a vote inChem, CompSci, Hebb ,and-a Wesb . Like-aDerek – uno seconde, Iwrote in-a de last G -Strings, it's a great-a wayto come and-a find ou twhat-a SUS is-a al labout .

Let's-a see ifa we cannahave a more enthusiasmethan-a we did witha denominations. Asta mattafo you? In de old contry,we knew-a de value of anopen eleccione. (But tothis-a day I have trouble avotin' for a man wit lessdan a full-a head of-ahair) . I'd-a like to wisha

burrow their way into skull .Avoidance attempts futile, assudden wind gusts can trans -port worm to clothing or hairfrom as far as three feet away .Worms have interesting lifecycle, attach to human victi min fall, then wait until mentalbreakdown in April of follow-ing year before leaving hostbody to reproduce, find morevictims .

Original purpose of worms :

For all-a de candidatesand SUS Council mem-beres, there's a gonna bea wine and a cheese at- athe SUS-a Office on-aFriday, October 18th. Itstarts at-a 4:30, and it's afree . Consider it a favore. . . maybe someday every -a one of you can do-a defavore for me . I-a runnathis council . . . right orwrong! But I-a digress .

So-a come on out &vote this-a week. It'sanot--a difficult, and it- alends that-a feeling of-ade democracy to the SUS .I always-a told Papa Iwould-a do everything tomake this society-alegitimate .

control minds of UBC deni-zens for Walt Disney ; part oftakeover. Intention was tobuild Nightmare Theme Park .Fell through . Students becam eparanoid, xenophobic, uncon-trollable . Cleanup and dis-posal too difficult, thoughPhysical Plant workersimmune . Worms have bee nbreeding ever srnce.

Worm density varies fromplace to place on campus .Especially bad near the Mathand Chemistry complexes, an dsome interior CompScifacilities .

Buchanan area largel yunaffected . May be somenatural defense. May beworms don't like snackin gbetween meals .

Next Time :Elvis explainsre-incarnatio n

REMEMBER :

Those of you whowish to place adsin the 432 mustprovide our officewith a copy ormock-up by Tues-day before printingday.That means thenext deadline isOctober 15.And don't forgetthat ads are FREEfor Science clubsand constituents .. .

MUNDANE DUMPSTE R Gio "El Duca" Vassone

SUS President

de luck to the candidate sin the contested positions(First- and-a Second-YearReps) . It'sa gonna beexciting, this eleccione .

Page Eight

The Four Thirty-Two Version 5.02 • October 7, 199 1

NATIONAL CHEMISTRY WEEK: October 21-25Brought to you by the Chemistry Society of Canada

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