Tampon Tantrum

7/27/2019 Tampon Tantrum

1/48

Working Class Heroes

Tampon Tantrum

Written by

Joshua Vitullo

3rdDraft

All Rights Reserved


2/48

Copyright, September 2014

Scene 1

Jenkins Living Room Int. Evening

Molly is babysitting Matthew and Lyras kids, Brady and

Sophie, as they go out on a date. The three of them are

hanging out in the living room of the house. Molly is

sitting on the couch, reading a rock magazine while Brady

and Sophie look through a bin that holds a plethora of items

from the Jenkins family history such as video tapes, photo

albums, etc.

MOLLYAre you two allowed to be looking through that stuff?

BRADY

Well, nobody ever said that we couldnt check it out.

SOPHIE

Plus, mom and dad already lived through this stuff. They

have their memories, so it wouldnt be fair if they kept it

to their selves.

MOLLY

Well, I never dug through my parents stuff. Not because I

respected their privacy. I just didnt care enough to be

curious.

Sophie finds a picture of Matthew and Lyra at their wedding.

She smiles, and then puts it back in the box.

BRADY

Well, I just want to know how we ended up poor like this.

SOPHIE

Brady, were not poor. Dads just unemployed.

BRADY

Well, mom is the only parent with a job. Case in point, a

household where the woman is the breadwinner is bound to

break in two.


3/48

Sophie raises an eyebrow.

BRADY

Lets be honest, sister. We couldve used a strong male

figure to head the family instead of Matthew.

SOPHIE

Dads alright. You just dont give him enough credit.

BRADY

I give him credit for nearly every bad thing that happens to

our family. Is that enough?

Brady pulls out a VHS tape and looks at it. The label reads,

Bradys Birth. Sophie glances at it with an odd

expression.

SOPHIE

Bradys birth? They filmed that?

BRADY

I think I heard something about how they were going to

document my life closely, but this went wrong, so they gave

up.

MOLLYFilmed your birth? Thats awkward They have no right to

film you.

SOPHIE

Or do they? Im not really sure

BRADY

I just might trash it But first, I want to see it for

myself

SOPHIEReally?

BRADY

You guys dont have to watch.

SOPHIE


4/48

Well, Ive never actually seen it happen myself Are you

really going to watch it?

BRADY

Yes Im going to. My curiosity will get the better of me

eventually, anyway. So I might as well get it out of theway.

Brady puts the tape into the VHS player. He pulls the box

out of the way and walks back to the couch and sits on one

side of Molly. Sophie sits on the other.

SOPHIE

Seriously, though. About dad, hes not that bad. Hes very

receptive. Hes not like mom, who works eight hours a day.

MOLLY

Will you guys stop arguing? Cant you just agree with one

another?

SOPHIE

I miss the last babysitter. Shed just leave us alone and go

to the neighbors house for the entire night.

BRADY

No, dad IS terrible! He doesnt take anything seriously!

SOPHIEYes he does! He takes everything seriously!

Scene 2

Jenkins Car Int. Evening

Matthew is driving home with Lyra in the passenger seat

after a date.

MATTHEW

Thats completely ridiculous!

LYRA

No, its not! They were asking me for nude pictures! They

werent threatening me but they were hitting on me!

MATTHEW


5/48

Wait. They were hitting you?

LYRA

No. Hitting ON me.

MATTHEWOh, well thats all right.

LYRA

No, its not! What if those thugs find me in a non-public

place?!

MATTHEW

Lyra, rest your concern. Youll be just fine.

LYRA

Oddly enough, in my senior year, a friend pranked me by

stealing one of my nude pictures and slipped it into the

yearbook of my junior year.

Matthew laughs lightly.

MATTHEW

Wait! What?

LYRA

It was the first print. I was so embarrassed, but the schoolmanaged to recall all of the yearbooks. My friend got in

serious trouble, but I have to admit, it was impressive that

she managed to do that in the first place.

MATTHEW

Dammit

LYRA

What?

MATTHEWNothing

LYRA

So, could you be a dear, and help me out with those thugs?

Matthew, Im really worried.

MATTHEW


6/48

Yeah, sure. Ill protect you if I see them hitting you

again.

The car pulls into the driveway.

LYRAHitting ON me.

MATTHEW

Yeah, yeah. I heard you.

LYRA

Im going to watch television. I really need a good comedy.

Im stressed out.

MATTHEW

Well, whenever I need to laugh, I just listen to a Shaquille

ONeil album.

The two of them get out of the car and walk into the house,

ignoring the neighbors barking dog.

LYRA

Anyway, I have a copy of the original yearbook. Ill show

you the picture.

Matthew and Lyra go through the front door and step into the

living room to see how the kids are doing.

LYRA

Hey kids, were home! I Umm

The kids are watching low quality footage of Lyra giving

birth to Brady with a wide-angle lens. Brady and Sophie are

staring at the TV silently, and Molly looks at the parents,

unsure.

LYRA

Oh

MATTHEW

Well then

BRADY

You filmed my birth


7/48

Matthew goes over to the TV and turns it off.

MATTHEW

I dont think that you kids should be watching this.

BRADYWhy? Because you want us kids to remain ignorant for as long

as possible?

MATTHEW

Never mind. Thats a good point.

LYRA

Why are you watching this, though?

MATTHEW

Why did we film this?

Brady scratches his head awkwardly.

MOLLY

Im sorry maam. They were just curious. I shouldnt have

allowed it.

MATTHEW

Well, its all right, Molly. Im not angry. Ive been angryall day, and Id love a break.

LYRA

Wow Ive never seen a birth from THAT angle.

BRADY

I didnt know that babies came out headfirst.

MATTHEW

I didnt know either. It looks like shes growing a penis.

SOPHIE

Eww

Brady looks back at the blank TV.

BRADY

What was it like? Having me?


8/48

LYRA

The delivery? Painful, as all are.

BRADY

I meant before the moment. The less disgusting part of thestory.

LYRA

Oh, thank God.

Matthew sits on the couch.

MATTHEW

Oh, you want to hear about that Well Its not much of a

story, but Ill drag it on for as long as I can. Sit down,

everybody, cause Im speaking.

Everyone is sitting on the couch except Lyra, who is looking

through the box.

MOLLY

Oh, wait. I didnt do anything about it, but there were a

few thugs looking through your trash, and they took somestuff.

LYRA

Oh, dont worry. Its fine. Hey, has anybody seen my high

school yearbook?

MATTHEW

Uhh I thought you didnt want it. I threw it away this

morning.

Lyra stops and looks up at him in anger.

LYRA

WHAT?! Those thugs have my naked photos!

Lyra rushes outside frantically and rummages through the

trash pile in the front.


9/48

MATTHEW

Well, well just have to start the story without her, then.

Anyway, Bradys story obviously begins with conception. It

was eleven oclock at night about a decade ago. You were

there when it happened, Sophie.

SOPHIE

I was?

MATTHEW

Not the BEGINNING, but after the beginning. Now I believe

you walked into our bedroom because you had a nightmare of

some sort.

Scene 3

Jenkins Master Bedroom Int. Night

Matthew and Lyra are asleep, when there is a knock on the

bedroom door, before Sophie walks in, holding a stuffed orca

whale. She closes the door quietly and walks over to Matthew

and tugs on his shirt.

SOPHIE

Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep here?

Matthew stirs.MATTHEW

Sure, but its not our faults if we roll on top of you in

our sleep and accidentally kill you.

Sophie stares at him blankly.

SOPHIE

Okay.

Sophie climbs up onto their bed and slips between the two of

them. She gets under the covers, and after a couple seconds,Lyra awakens, hair frizzy, and looking sick. She coughs a

few times, then pukes on Sophie.

SOPHIE

AGH!


10/48

LYRA

Im sorry, honey.

She pukes again. This time, on Sophies face. Sophie begins

coughing and screaming. Matthew turns over to look at them.

His eyes widen.

MATTHEW

Lyra, you ruined our only blanket!

Lyra coughs up a little more vomit onto her hand.

LYRA

Sorry baby

Sophie stands up, shivering as vomit drips off her, mumbling

eerily in a silent panic as she walks toward their bathroom

to wash herself off.

MATTHEW

Youre hand-washing this blanket.

LYRA

Okay

MATTHEW

Wait a second. Whats wrong? Food poisoning?

Sophie cries in the bathroom.

LYRA

Im not sure. I feel so

She coughs again.

LYRA

I

MATTHEW

Here.

Matthew gets up and walks quickly around the bed, retrieves

Lyra, and walks her to the bathroom, and sets her down to


11/48

puke in the toilet. As Lyra pukes, Matthew pats and rubs her

back.

MATTHEW

There you go. Its going to be okay.

LYRA

I know that.

MATTHEW

Sorry, I wasnt sure what you wanted me to say. That Ill

stop cooking dinner?

Lyra pukes again, face halfway in the toilet.

MATTHEW

There there How are you doing, Sophie?

Matthew looks over at Sophie, who is using the showerhead to

wash herself off, crying as she does so.

SOPHIE

I swallowed some! Am I going to die?

MATTHEW

No. Calm down. Here, were going to the hospital. Do you

want to come with us, or clean up and go back to bed?

SOPHIE

Im coming with.

Sophie runs out of the shower, which is still on, and runs

to her room to put new clothes on.

MATTHEW

Wait here, sweetheart. Im gonna change.

Matthew goes to change.

Scene 4

Jenkins Car Int. Night


12/48

Matthew is driving the car, and Lyra is in the passenger

seat, while Sophie sits in the back, leaning forward as they

enter the hospital parking lot.

MATTHEW

Sophie, put your seatbelt back on.

SOPHIE

But were already here.

LYRA

Just find a parking space, honey.

MATTHEW

Right.

Matthew looks around, trying to find a space.

MATTHEW

I cant find one anywhere.

Lyra looks up and points.

LYRA

Theres one over there.

MATTHEWOh.

SOPHIE

Wow, dad. Youre pretty useless.

MATTHEW

Youre not allowed to say that until you move out of the

house!

SOPHIE

But by then, Ill need you more than ever.

MATTHEW

Exactly.

Matthew parks the car in the aforementioned space.


13/48

Scene 5

Hospital Int. Midnight

Lyra is sitting on a raised mattress in a doctors office.

Matthew is sitting on a chair next to her, holding her hand.Doctor Oswald walks in, marking on a clipboard.

DOCTOR OSWALD

Well, I have good news. Or depending on your relationship

with one another, it might also be bad news. Now, are you

married?

Doctor Oswald grimaces.

MATTHEW

Yes.

DOCTOR OSWALD

Oh, good. Well, Im pleased to tell you that your wife is

pregnant.

Lyras mouth gapes open wide.

LYRA

Oh! That makes sense!

MATTHEW

Were going to have another baby!

LYRA

Are you really excited? Or are you faking it?

MATTHEW

Im not sure. Maybe Im just relieved that youre not sick.

Well, anyway Were going to be parents!

LYRAHoney, were already parents. We have Sophie already.

MATTHEW

Oh, right! Where is she, anyway?

DOCTOR OSWALD


14/48

I told her to wait in the lobby. We dont usually allow kids

into the patient rooms.

LYRA

Oh, well, Id be okay with it if you let her in now.

MATTHEW

I dont understand why she cant be in here. Shes seen

worse. And by the age of five, shell have seen it all.

Lyra shrugs as Sophie walks into the room, an angry

expression on her face.

SOPHIE

So, is my mother dying, or are you going to sugarcoat this

for me?

MATTHEW

Not at all. Your mothers pregnant.

SOPHIE

Pregnan?

LYRA

Youre going to have a little baby brother or sister soon.

SOPHIEOh. A baby

LYRA

Whats wrong, dear?

SOPHIE

Is it going to replace me?

MATTHEW

Dont worry, Sophie. The babyll be on your side. Its not

here to replace you. Youre both here to replace us. Weslowly age, as school prepares you to wipe our generation

off the planet. Or, if we survive adulthood, send us to

Florida.

SOPHIE

Oh I dont want to replace you. Ill feel bad


15/48

LYRA

Dont be And dont change the subject. We have a new family

member on the way.

Lyra smiles.

MATTHEW

This is a good thing. Do we all agree on this?

SOPHIE

Yep!

DOCTOR OSWALD

Also, you might want to run to your car as soon as possible.

I have a feeling that the tow trucks coming for it.

MATTHEW

Oh, dear.

Matthew grabs Sophie and runs to the parking lot. Lyra

stumbles after them.

LYRA

Wait!

Scene 6


Everyone is sitting around Matthew, except for Lyra, who is

searching through the box again.

BRADY

Wow.

SOPHIEIm glad I dont remember this.

MATTHEW

Yeah, but it wasnt so bad. It was a hassle, taking care of

your mother, actually, but I pulled through for nine months.


16/48

Lyra looks up from the box and stares at Matthew.

LYRA

I took care of you! I remember one time you knocked yourselfout after hitting the back of your head on the bathroom

sink! Your head was open and I had to drive you to the

hospital!

MATTHEW

Well, I remember many midnight big Mac runs. Kids, I got

away with calling your mother big for many months, but I

paid for that privilege.

Abruptly cut to scene 7.

Scene 7

Jenkins Master Bedroom Int. Midnight

Matthew and Lyra are asleep. Sophie is between them, eyes

wide open, glancing at her mother every once in a while,

worried that shell puke on her again. Lyra wakes up

suddenly.

LYRASo hungry

Sophie hides under the covers as Matthew wakes up slowly.

MATTHEW

What?

LYRA

I need food.

MATTHEWWe have some leftover mashed potatoes downstairs if you

dont feel like disturbing my rest and forcing me to get you

food in the middle of the cold night.

LYRA

Matthew, please. Im starving.


17/48

MATTHEW

Sure. Ill get up in the middle of the cold night and get

you some mashed potatoes. I love losing hours upon hours of

sleep.

Matthew gets up, slouching. He wipes his face with his

hands.

LYRA

Umm Could you get me a big Mac?

Matthew stops, and turns to stare at her.

MATTHEW

A big Mac? Now I have to drive this late at night!

LYRA

Well, McDonalds is open twenty-four hours a day.

MATTHEW

Fine. How much time do I get?

LYRA

Twenty minutes?

Matthew sighs.

MATTHEW

I wish I were pregnant. I wouldnt have to go through crap

like this.

Matthew leaves the room, wearing a robe, mumbling to

himself. Lyra and Sophie watch him leave.

LYRA

Wow, it worked.

SOPHIEI didnt think hed get out of bed for an errand like that.

LYRA

Id expect him to call McDonalds and tell them to deliver to

the bedroom window. Ooh!

Lyra holds her stomach.


18/48

SOPHIE

Mom? Whats wrong?

LYRA

I think I felt a kick.

SOPHIE

I didnt kick you, momma.

LYRA

Yeah, I know you didnt. It was the baby.

SOPHIE

The baby? Maybe it IS trying to replace you and dad!

Sophie talks to Lyras stomach.

SOPHIE

Dont kill momma, or Im going to make sure the doctor never

circumcises you!

Lyra giggles at her threat.

LYRA

Sweetie, the babys not trying to hurt mommy. Ill be allright.

SOPHIE

If he even hurts you by accident, Ill still punish him.

LYRA

Sounds fair.

Lyra giggles again, then her stomach growls.

SOPHIEListen! The baby just growled! It heard us talking! It knows

what were planning! Abort the mission!

LYRA

Dont say abort, dear.

SOPHIE


19/48

Oh, right. Sorry, momma.

Scene 8

McDonalds Drive-Thru Ext. Midnight

Matthew drives up to the ordering voice box.

MATTHEW

I need a big Mac immediately. My wife is pregnant, and shes

having serious cravings. Shes starving right now, so please

hurry.

A teenage voice sounds.

EMPLOYEE

Oh, I see. You really think that were going to just work

twice as fast just because your wife is pregnant?

MATTHEW

Well, I wasnt expecting you to be able to relate, but I

figured youd understand where I was coming from, if

anything.

EMPLOYEE

Well, Ill have you know that we work as fast as we can

twenty-four hours a day, and we always do a great job.

MATTHEW

Then could you quit bragging and hand my order to somebody?

EMPLOYEE

Ill have you know I did it as we were going back and forth.

MATTHEW

Efficient, arent you?

EMPLOYEE

Quite. But I dont have to give you the luxury of such fineservice. Move to the next window.

Matthew drives up to the next window to pay for his food and

get the burger, but he sees an employee who goes on, with

the same voice as the one who took his order.


20/48

EMPLOYEE

Continuing on So, your wife is starving, and she needs a

big Mac? Please. Dont bother. I hear that excuse to get

quick service all the time. Fat, lazy sloths that try to

control the employees in any way they can. It sickens me!

Almost literally!

MATTHEW

Wait a second. Arent you the same person from the?

Matthew sticks his head out of his window and looks back at

the order box to try and listen for a voice. Matthew sticks

his head back in.

EMPLOYEE

Yes, but I refuse to let you take advantage of our great

service.

MATTHEW

Are you working two stations at once? I mean, what the

hell?

EMPLOYEE

Well, I switched places with the other employee to finish

scolding you!

MATTHEW

Well, could you quit wasting my time with your attempts tomake a fast food order ridiculously personal, and give me my

damn burger?

The employee takes his money, hands him his change and a big

Mac in a bag.

EMPLOYEE

Hold on! So, its YOUR burger!

MATTHEW

No it isnt!

EMPLOYEE

Yes! You said give me MY damn burger! I caught you in the

act! I always thought Id be a great detective or

interrogator someday! I think you owe me an apology!

MATTHEW


21/48

Fine! IM sorry that mommy and daddy never gave you enough

attention.

Matthew drives off. A single tear falls down the employees

cheek.

EMPLOYEE

Dont go (16:50)

Scene 9

Matthew parks in the driveway and trudges over to the front

door, holding the big Mac, fumbling for his house key. He

sees that the key is in the keyhole on the door.

MATTHEW

Shoot Please be okay

Matthew walks into the house.

MATTHEW

Lyra! Sophie! Are you alive?

Lyra answers from the bedroom upstairs, yelling.

LYRAOf course were alive! Why wouldnt we be?

Matthew sighs in relief.

MATTHEW

Uhh No reason!

LYRA

Did you leave your keys in the door again?

MATTHEWNo!

Matthew goes and retrieves his keys from the front door. He

loudly shakes them.

MATTHEW


22/48

See?

LYRA

Yeah. Now, give me my damn burger! Im starving like an

animal up here!

Matthew sighs and begins heading towards the stairs when he

sees a man in the living room staring at him, holding their

TV. Matthew stares at him in annoyance, then quietly scolds

him.

MATTHEW

Ill give you ten seconds to get out of my house.

The burglar nods and speed walks towards the front door,

still holding the TV. Matthew stops him before he reaches

it.

MATTHEW

Put the TV down!

The burglar sighs, muffled, and exits the house.

LYRA

Get upstairs!

MATTHEW

Im coming

Matthew walks up the stairs, breathing irregularly. He

enters the bedroom. Sophie can be heard, washing herself off

again as Lyra wipes her mouth with a cloth.

LYRA

Puked again

MATTHEWPoor Sophie

LYRA

Just give me my sandwich already.

Matthew rolls his eyes and tosses the big Mac to her. Lyra

catches it in the bag.


23/48

LYRA

Where are the fries?

MATTHEW

The fries? What fries? You wanted a big Mac! You didnt saywith fries!

LYRA

Well, of course I want fries! What do I look like? A garbage

disposal?

MATTHEW

Im sleeping downstairs.

LYRA

Dont sleep on the couch. I puked on it a few hours ago.

MATTHEW

The floorll work.

LYRA

Okay, but stay away from the carpet. I think I puked on

there as well.

MATTHEW

Ill sleep on the kitchen table.

LYRA

Wipe it down first.

MATTHEW

Got it.

Matthew leaves the room and walks downstairs. He sees the

burglar trying to open the front window. Matthew locks it

and walks into the kitchen. The following voice-overs playas the burglar looks down in sadness, and walks out of

sight.

BRADY (V.O.)

You couldve just told us that you just occasionally had to

go for midnight big Mac runs. You didnt have to tell the

whole story. It wasted quite a bit of screen time.


24/48

MATTHEW (V.O.)

The point wasnt that I got her the big Mac. The point was

that I saved Sophie and your mother from a man who broke

into our house.

Cut to Lyra talking to them as they sit on the couch.

LYRA

Well, he was stealing a TV. He wasnt a threat to anybody,

really. Ill bet he didnt have a weapon on him.

MATTHEW

He was holding a TV, Lyra. Maybe he had to put it in his

truck, then come back with a bowie knife and slaughter you

both!

Lyra face palms. Sophie speaks sarcastically.

SOPHIE

Thanks for saving our lives, dad.

MATTHEW

Just doing my job.

Matthew gives her a lame thumbs up.

Scene 10

Mega Mart Int. Noon

Matthew and Lyra are walking down an aisle. Sophie is

pushing the cart. Lyras stomach is significantly bigger.

LYRAIm starting to wonder Why do kids come around while were

still young? Why cant we spend our wild young years having

fun, and have children starting at forty, or the late

thirties at least?

MATTHEW


25/48

So that way, we can blame the wrinkles on them.

Lyra chuckles. She stops and looks at a crib on the display

to their left.

LYRAThat one looks nice but a bit expensive

MATTHEW

Be wary of the price range that cripples our lifestyle.

LYRA

Well, if you had a job, itd be easier. No offense.

MATTHEW

None taken. Im sure Ill be employed really soon. In fact,

you can count on it.

LYRA

I trust you.

MATTHEW

Calvin needs to get a job too. Hes not even trying as hard

as me.

Calvin walks out in front of them, dressed in a store

employee uniform. Matthew and Lyra stop walking.

LYRA

Hey Calvin! You got a job!

CALVIN

Yeah!

Lyra smiles at Matthew. Matthew opens his mouth to say

something, but Sophie hits them from behind with the

shopping cart.

MATTHEW

Agh!

Sophie pokes her head up from behind the cart.

SOPHIE

Sorry, I didnt know we stopped


26/48

MATTHEW

Okay, well, be more careful.

SOPHIE

Okay

Matthew looks back at Calvin.

MATTHEW

Hey, hows it going?

CALVIN

Well. Ive only held this job for a few days, but I feel

good about this one. Do you guys need any assistance?

LYRA

Yes, if youre not busy. Were looking to buy a new crib for

the baby.

MATTHEW

We should get a new blanket for us too. Im tired of you

spewing your lungs onto it every week.

LYRA

Im sorry.

CALVIN

Umm Dont leave me standing here awkwardly

MATTHEW

Sorry, man. Yeah, do you have any cribs in our price range?

Lyra pets Sophie as Calvin points to a nearby display.

CALVINIve seen a lot of couples looking at that one over there.

Its cheaper than expired ham. Not really, but you get my

point.

LYRA

Oh. Yes, this is nice. What do you think, Sophie?


27/48

SOPHIE

Youve been talking to me a lot lately. Is it because youre

trying to include me more, since theres a chance I might

feel less important to you guys?

LYRAWow Those words coming out of a three year-olds mouth

MATTHEW

Thats not it at all, Sophie. Wed do the same thing if we

were getting a dog.

SOPHIE

Even a DOG could replace me?! Am I THAT forgettable?

Matthew face palms.

MATTHEW

Thats not what I meant. Were not getting a dog.

LYRA

Sophie, youre over thinking this.

SOPHIE

Oh, okay.

CALVINSo will you take this one?

MATTHEW

Well take it!

Just as Matthew says it, the Mega Mart supervisor walks out

and storms over to Calvin.

MR. SANDERS

ONeil! Why did you put this on the discount table?

CALVIN

I didnt, sir.

MR. SANDERS

Well, Grant told me that you did! This crib is not to be

sold at a discount! Youre fired!

Calvin walks past Matthew, and whispers to him.


28/48

CALVIN

I knew he was trying to get rid of me.

MR. SANDERS

Hey, are you employed?

MATTHEW

Well, no

MR. SANDERS

Then would you like to replace him?

Lyras face lights up.

MATTHEW

Of course, sir! Thank you very much!

Calvin yells from the distance.

CALVIN

Hey, Matthew! Ill see you at the Freeley barbecue on

Friday!

MATTHEW

Alright!

MR. SANDERS

Wait Youre friends with that guy?

MATTHEW

Umm no.

MR. SANDERS

Nice try. Forget the job offer. Now, are you going to buy

anything? If not, then get out of my store.

Matthew pauses, and looks around quietly. He eventuallypoints at a dog kennel.

MATTHEW

Ill take that.

Scene 11


29/48


The family is sitting on the couch and on the carpet.

BRADYA dog kennel?

MATTHEW

Yep. You slept in it for about three years.

LYRA

It was adorable. Youd even lock yourself in at night.

Sophie giggles, and Molly smiles.

MATTHEW

We just had to make sure that nobody visited us at night, so

that way nobody called the police.

Everyone laughs.

MATTHEW

Well, its getting late. I think were going to go head off

to bed.

SOPHIEBut what about his birth? What happened?!

BRADY

Yeah, dad! You didnt finish the story yet! How dare you

attempt to leave your audience hanging like that!

MATTHEW

Audience?

BRADY

Sophie and I.

MATTHEW

Oh. I thought you meant like a TV show.

Everyone laughs.


30/48

MATTHEW

Anyway, yeah. I do remember the finale of mommys third

pregnancy

SOPHIE

Wait Third? But there arent three kids in this family!

MATTHEW

Well, the first one was aborted.

The kids stare in terrified shock. Matthew goes on with the

story as if nothing happened.

MATTHEW

Moving on the last chapter starts off with a major argument

your mother and I were in

Cut to flashback.

Scene 12

Jenkins House Int. Evening

Matthew and Lyra are yelling at each other as Sophie hides

in her room, holding her stuffed orca. All the lights in the

house are off due to a power outage.

MATTHEWWho the hell do you think you are?! Some kind of genius!

LYRA

My brain would more intact than yours if I were on ecstasy!

MATTHEW

Oh, shove it, you bitch!

MATTHEW (V.O.)

We were fighting, because I was angry at her for beating me

at Uno. She started talking down to me, and to this day, itwas probably the most intense conflict our marriage has ever

faced.

LYRA (V.O.)

Oh yeah! I remember! Im STILL mad about that!


31/48

BRADY (V.O.)

You argued intensely about a card game, but thought it would

be a good decision to raise two kids. Who are you people?

MATTHEW (V.O.)

It was such an emotional fight for the both of us, and it

might have been the end of our relationship if you hadnt

broken us up, Brady.

BRADY (V.O.)

I did?

MATTHEW (V.O.)

Yes, of course.

Lyra picks up a lamp to throw at Matthew, but suddenly

lurches, stops, and drops the lamp on the floor, causing it

to shatter. Briefly cuts to Sophie looking up in her room,

scared of what the noise was.

SOPHIE

Mom?

Cut back to the bedroom where Lyra holds her stomach,

beginning to sweat beads. Matthew raises his eyebrow.

MATTHEW

A kick?

Lyra shakes her head horizontally. She coughs out words.

LYRA

No I water

MATTHEW

Water? You need water? Here, Ill go get you a glass.

Matthew gets ready to run, but Lyra stops him, holding her

other hand out towards him.

LYRA

No! I I think my water broke


32/48

MATTHEW

Oh Oh dear Of all the times that this couldve happened,

it had to have been during a power-out! And I left my cell

phone at Calvins! And hes out of town!

LYRAYou have to drive me

MATTHEW

Does the car have gas? Well I guess Ive gotta try

Matthew picks her up and rushes her out the front door and

to the car in the driveway. Sophie sticks her head out the

house door.

SOPHIE

Momma?!

LYRA

Mommys okay, darling! Just lock the door and hide in the

dog kennel until we get back!

Matthew puts Lyra in the shotgun seat, and slides over the

hood, and gets in the drivers seat.

LYRAWhat was that?

MATTHEW

That was me. I slid over the hood. I see cops do it all the

time when they enter restaurants.

They drive off, but Sophie runs after them.

SOPHIE

Hey! Wait!

Sophie stares in disappointment as they exit the street. She

looks to her left and sees a taxi. She waves it down.

SOPHIE

Taxi! Taxi! Over here!


33/48

Cut to Matthew and Lyra in the car driving. Lyra is

breathing heavily. Matthew is listening to Be My Baby on

the radio.

MATTHEW

How are you holding up, Lyra?

LYRA

Terrible! You need to drive faster!

MATTHEW

But well get pulled over!

LYRA

I dont care! Drive! Im not giving birth to my baby on the

side of a road!

MATTHEW

Fine! Ill drive!

Matthew pushes the gas pedal and speeds faster. The car zips

down the road. A police car is parked behind a fast food

drive-thru. The officer inside puts his coffee down.

OFFICER DILBERT

Huh? Was that Jenkins? I hope not.

Officer Dilbert drives out of hiding and chases after

Matthew, lights blaring. Meanwhile, right behind where he

had parked, a woman is being mugged. Matthew drives on. Lyra

eventually hears the police siren.

MATTHEW

Be my, be my baby! My one and only-

LYRA

Turn that music down! I think I hear a siren!

MATTHEW

This song only comes on once a year

Matthew turns the radio off and hears the siren as well.

MATTHEW


34/48

Oh, shoot! The cops! And I cant call anyone! What do I do?

What do I do?

LYRA

Keep driving! Keep driving, already! My child will be

hospital-born!

Cut to Officer Dilbert inside his police car.

OFFICER DILBERT

Hes not stopping! The nerve! Im sure you have a good

reason, Jenkins, but Im sorry.

He picks up his walkie-talkie.

OFFICER DILBERT

We have a speeding citizen going down Alore Road. Subject

refuses to pull over. Over.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

Sending unnecessary backup. Over.

Cut to Sophie sitting in the back of a taxi. She is right

behind the cop car, which is right behind her parents car.

SOPHIE

Get out of the way, you stupid officer! Im trying to follow

them! Turn! Dammit!

ROBERT DE NIRO

So, are you some rich guys daughter?

SOPHIE

Never mind that. Just keep up with the Audi in front of the

cop car!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Okay, calm down.

Sophie leans back and mumbles something under her breath.

ROBERT DE NIRO

You talkin to me?


35/48

SOPHIE

What?

ROBERT DE NIRO

Are you talkin to me?

SOPHIE

No, just drive.

Several police cars pass the taxi and begin chasing after

the Jenkins speeding car.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Some speeding fool. Hope the sucker gets whats comin to

em.

SOPHIE

Thats my dad! Follow him!

ROBERT DE NIRO

Thats your dad? Oh, dear

He speeds after the Jenkins and the police frenzy, mumbling

under his breath.

Cut to the Jenkins car speeding down the main road. Lyra isred, breathing heavily as Matthew breathes even more

dramatically.

MATTHEW

I dont wanna get a ticket!

LYRA

Well, too bad! Drive! Im in labor!!!

MATTHEW

I cant take this! Im going to get thrown in jail! ThenIll spend ten years dropping the soap and getting raped by

cops instead! If Im lucky, my fellow criminals will

separate us! But Im not good at making friends, so its

anal for me!

LYRA

Thats it! Youre driving me crazy! Im taking the wheel!


36/48

MATTHEW

Huh?

Lyra takes off her seatbelt and pulls on his shoulder before

screaming at him.

LYRA

MOVE!!!

Right as Matthew pulls off his seatbelt hesitantly, Lyra

yanks him, pulling him painfully onto her seat, as she hops

over him, sweating like a fountain. She grasps the wheel, an

unstable look in here eyes, and screams as she drives toward

the hospital, making sharp turns, riding over potholes and

making jumps on construction cement barriers.

MATTHEW

Thats not good for the baby!

LYRA

YOURE a baby! Quit talking in third person!

Cut to Officer Dilbert driving after them. He raises an

eyebrow.

OFFICER DILBERTWhy the hell are they driving faster? Hmm Maybe Lyra took

the wheel.

Cut to the Jenkins car, which is driving into the hospital

parking lot.

LYRA

Find a parking space!

MATTHEW

Uh, okay!

LYRA

Found one! Damn, what good are you?!

MATTHEW

Im good for filling up those awkward silences.


37/48

Lyra drifts into an emergency parking space. She jumps out

of the car and runs toward the front door like a cripple,

Matthew following behind. As Lyra reaches the door, the

police arrive in the parking lot, getting out and running

after them. Lyra opens the door with immense force, but hits

Matthew in the leg. She runs in as Matthew clutches his legin agony.

MATTHEW

Agh! My leg!

OFFICER DILBERT

Wait. They were going to the hospital. Maybe it was an

emergency!

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

If it was an emergency, then they shouldve called us!

A yell in pain is heard. Officer Dale falls to the ground.

OFFICER DALE

Ow! I tripped over a stone!

Officer Dilbert face palms.

Matthew manages to get into the hospital despite his leg

injury he had just received from his wife. Lyra is runninginside, yelling.

LYRA

My water broke!

MATTHEW

My leg broke!

LYRA

Oh, grow up!

Several nurses take Lyra off, and a single large doctor

picks Matthew up, and carries him in the direction Lyra is

being taken. The cops then enter the hospital, holding up

weapons.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

Whered they go?!


38/48

RECEPTIONIST

The emergency room. The womans about to give birth.

OFFICER DILBERT

Oh Well, this was a mistake.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

No it wasnt! We have to get them a ticket!

OFFICER MARCUS

Otherwise theyll never learn their lesson!

Cut to outside, where the taxi is arriving in front of the

hospital. Sophie steps out of the car, and the driver sticks

his head out the window.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Taking into account that energizing high speed chase I just

performed, your total will be forty-five dollars.

Sophie chuckles.

SOPHIE

Forty-five dollars? What makes you think I have that kind of

money? Look at these rags!

Sophie does a curtsy.

SOPHIE

Thanks for the free ride, mister!

She runs off as Robert De Niro fumes.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I dont do favors! Get back here!

Sophie runs in the hospital.

SOPHIE

Did a pregnant woman just come in here!

RECEPTIONIST

Yes. As a matter of fact, one came in just now. Would you

like to join the waiting party?


39/48

The lady points to the twenty or so police officers, sitting

in the lobby, reading magazines. They all look up to see

Sophie.

SOPHIE

No thank you. I need to follow them. Im their daughter.

RECEPTIONIST

Oh, well then.

She points to the left.

RECEPTIONIST

Down that hall! Get there before they close the door!

SOPHIE

Thanks, lady!

Sophie does a quick curtsy again and runs to the emergency

room.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

So, you let a little girl go after them, but not your state-

enforced protectors!

RECEPTIONIST

Not at all. Your party is just too big to fit in the ER.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

Bull. Shes just picking favorites.

OFFICER DILBERT

We dont need to give them a ticket. I can understand that

it was an honest emergency.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

Psh. I think I know what an emergency is, officer.

OFFICER DALE

Hey, Sergeant. I just got a call. Apparently the station is

on fire.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

Never mind that. Well go back after we deal with this

first.


40/48

Scene 13

Emergency Room Int. Night

Sophie walks into the ER. Lyra is seated on the deliverytable. Matthew is sitting on a chair as the large doctor

wraps his leg. A nurse hands Matthew a small camera.

NURSE MCGEE

Do you want to film it?

MATTHEW

Excuse me?

NURSE MCGEE

We give cameras out in case families want to film

childbirths. Youd be surprised how popular its getting

lately.

MATTHEW

Actually, I bet I wouldnt be. Ill take one.

NURSE MCGEE

Thatll be forty-five dollars.

MATTHEWForty-five dollars! I dont have forty-five dollars!

Matthew sees Sophie.

SOPHIE

Hi.

MATTHEW

Sophie! Hey! Im not even going to ask how you got here.

Umm Do you have any money on you?

SOPHIE

Heres a fifty.

She hands him a fifty dollar bill.

MATTHEW


41/48

Thanks, dear.

Matthew gives it to the nurse, who gives him the camera. He

limps over to Lyra to film her.

MATTHEWHows my angel doing?

LYRA

Terrible. My mind is aching from yelling at you for the past

five minutes. Are you filming this?

MATTHEW

Yup.

LYRA

Matthew. Really?

MATTHEW

Youd be surprised how popular its getting lately.

LYRA

Fine. Go ahead. But I

Lyra turns her head to see Sophie.

LYRASophie! Hey there! Im not sure how you made it here, but I

really didnt want you to see this

SOPHIE

Its okay, mama. I think I can handle it.

LYRA

I know youre strong, but Ill just feel better if you stood

in the other room. Daddys filming it, so you can watch it

when youre older.

Sophie sighs.

SOPHIE

Yes mommy

She doesnt move.


42/48

LYRA

Are you okay, darling?

SOPHIE

Are you going to love me less, now that theres a new baby?

LYRA

No, dont worry. I can love you both. And dad can umm

MATTHEW

Be there when Im needed. Stand in the mens room, Sophie.

SOPHIE

Okay.

Sophie smiles, hugs Lyra, then runs into an adjacent room.

Matthew focuses the camera between her legs.

LYRA

Matthew, seriously. Youre making me nervous.

Scene 14

Mens Bathroom Int. Night

Sophie is sitting on the sink countertop, twiddling her

thumbs as she waits for the call. The door opens, she looksup, and a doctor sees her.

DOCTOR YOUNG

Your parents are ready for you to come back in.

SOPHIE

Okay

Sophie nervously walks out and goes into the room to see

Lyra holding a baby. Sophies face lights up.

SOPHIE

Whoa Wait. Wheres dad?

LYRA

I had him kicked out for filming me way too close. I told

him to wait in the ladies room.


43/48

Matthew walks in, scratching his neck.

MATTHEW

Those women are even louder than you, Lyra.

They walk over to her hospital bed. Sophie crawls onto it

and stares at the baby.

SOPHIE

Is it a boy or a girl?

LYRA

Im not sure.

DOCTOR YOUNG

Boy.

MATTHEW

Cool.

SOPHIE

Whats his name?

MATTHEW

Oh.

LYRA

Umm I

SOPHIE

You didnt think of a name, did you?

Matthew and Lyra shake their heads no.

SOPHIE

I fear for this child.

LYRA

We had a rough day, Sophie. A lot of things were going on.

We didnt have time to think.

SOPHIE

You had nine months.


44/48

LYRA

I know Here. Why dont you name him?

SOPHIE

Me?

LYRA

Of course, you.

MATTHEW

Nothing stupid though. No Tucker, Todd, or Osama.

SOPHIE

Doctor. Whats your mothers fathers uncles favorite

cousins middle name.

Doctor Young looks up for ten seconds, then responds.

DOCTOR YOUNG

Brady.

Sophie looks back at Lyra.

SOPHIE

Hows that?

LYRAPerfect.

MATTHEW

I agree.

A few officers, led by Sgt. Cunningham, walk in angrily. The

sergeant storms over to Lyra and stares at the baby in

anger.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

What a great way to start a life, you miscreant!

He places a ticket on Bradys face. Then, he looks up at

Lyra.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

And you think youre above the law just because youre

pregnant? THINK AGAIN YOU SCUM! The baby has the ticket, if


45/48

you want to see it. Now, if youll excuse me, the stations

burning down.

OFFICER DALE

Actually, I just heard that the news wasnt true. It was

actually an orphanage that burned down.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

Oh, good! Then well catch a movie on her way back. Ill pay

for everyones tickets and popcorn!

He stares at Matthew.

SGT. CUNNINGHAM

But you have to pay the ticket first.

MATTHEW

Umm uhh Sophie?

Sophie gives him two hundred dollar bills.

MATTHEW

Thanks, sweetheart.

He gives it to the sergeant.

SGT. CUNNINGHAMThanks, Jenkins! This pays for our night!

The cops run out the door. Officer Dilbert is left standing

in the doorway.

OFFICER DILBERT

Uhh Congratulations, you two. Sorry about the

misunderstanding. Well try to be more careful.

LYRA

Much obliged, officer.

SOPHIE

You owe me two hundred.

Officer Dilbert sighs and gets out his wallet. Sophie pets

Brady, smiling, as the camera exits the hospital conclusion-

like.


46/48

Scene 15

Jenkins House Int. Evening

The Jenkins family and Molly are sitting on the couch still.

BRADY

Sophie named me?

LYRA

Yep.

BRADY

I always thought that I was named after somebody famous or

something.

Lyra smiles at him.

LYRA

Nope!

MATTHEW

Well, Sophie. Do you think that youre old enough to watch

the birth now?

SOPHIEUh, heh heh

MOLLY

Im very sorry. I should be gone. But my boyfriend was

supposed to pick me up, and hes really late

MATTHEW

Oh, its alright. Oh, heres your pay.

He hands it to her, and Molly accepts it.

MOLLY

Thank you, sir.

She then looks at her phone in annoyance. The doorbell rings

and Matthew opens the door. A teenager stands in the

doorway.


47/48

RON

Hey sir. Im here to pick up Molly.

MATTHEW

Oh, come in.

He lets Ron in.

MOLLY

Where were you?!

RON

Sorry, babe. I was just looking at some old photos.

MOLLY

Oh. Were they good-looking?

RON

You bet.

Ron laughs, glancing at Lyra, and back at Molly. Lyras eyes

widen. She whispers to Matthew.

LYRA

Thats him! Hes one of the thugs who took our trash! He has

my yearbook!

MATTHEW

He seems like a nice kid to me.

The couple walks out of the house.

LYRA

Matthew!

MATTHEW

What? Theres nothing that seems out of place. Hes giving

off good vibes, youd say. Except for his smell. He smellshorrible. Or maybe thats just our compost. Brady, take the

compost to the backyard.

Brady looks up.

BRADY

Okay.


48/48

Matthew goes back to bickering with Lyra as Brady takes the

compost and walks toward the back door, glancing at Sophie

as he walks past her. He walks over to the back and dumps

the compost in a large black bin. He then sees the shed door

and goes over to close it, but he sees something. Bradyopens the door and sees a dog kennel.

BRADY

Wow They werent lyin

Brady walks inside the shed and looks inside the kennel. He

sees several pictures, blankets and old stuffed animals.

BRADY

Huh Maybe Ill sleep here tonight Just once

Brady steps inside and curls up before dosing off. Fade out.

END OF TAMPON TANTRUM

Tampon Tantrum

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