SHINE: Supporting Healthy Image, Nutrition, and Exercise 1

Talking to your Teen: communicating with adolescents

The foundation of being an effective support for your teen involves communication. That is why this issue is focused on helping you refine or develop ways to talk to your teen about healthy habits.

When starting a conversation with your teen, open-ended questions are recommended. An open-ended question (i.e. a question that doesn’t have a “yes” or “no” answer) will give your teen a chance to talk about their experiences without you communicating judgement (e.g. “What have you learnt about healthy eating?”). By asking, “Do you need to exercise more?” the answer may simply be “yes” or “no”, or even or a defensive reply.

When we express our concern, we are wise to speak of our own experience (i.e. "I" statements) rather than assume we can figure the other person out (i.e. "you" statements). This means saying, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been drinking a lot of soft drink lately,” rather than saying, “You’re drinking too much soft drink” or “I’ve noticed that you’re spending less time with your friends” rather than saying, “You’re spending too much time alone.”

When we speak in "I" statements, we take responsibility for our response. When we speak in "you" statements, we tend to make judgements about the other person, leaving them feeling defensive and/or attacked. "

In this issue:

Helpful hints

What messages are you sending?

Supportive communication

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What to avoid doing

Here are examples of types of statements that aren’t helpful:

Don’t tease or make critical comments

Instead of judging or criticising weight/shape and eating/exercise behaviours, focus on the positive changes that your teen is making and talk about qualities other than appearance. Don’t make critical comments or tease your teen about appearance and don’t allow teasing in the home. Even though you may think teasing or joking about your teen’s weight or shape is harmless, these comments can be hurtful to your their self-esteem. Remember, the things you say have a much greater impact on your teen’s views about their appearance than you might think.

Don’t label foods as “forbidden”

It’s important you keep an open mind and try not to discourage your teen from eating certain foods. Try not to label foods as "bad" or "good". There’s nothing inherently good or bad about any foods. The key to a healthy diet is variety and moderation in order to get a wide variety of nutrients and vitamins. Learning to enjoy rich foods on occasion without “overindulging” is a skill that is developed better without rigid rulemaking, or parental enforcement.

Don’t make “should” statements

Avoid telling your teen that they

“shouldn’t be eating that” or “can’t

have that because it’s unhealthy”. If

your adolescent has made an

unhealthy choice, wait for the next

opportunity to suggest an alternative

(e.g. “There’s apples and cheese in

the fridge” or “I know you’ll like the

oranges I bought today”) or model

eating healthier choices yourself.

Encourage Healthy Eating and Physical Activity

It is important for you to help your adolescent learn about the necessity of healthy eating habits and healthy weight regulation.

Healthy weight regulation is:

• doing 60 minutes of physical activity every day

• eating 3 meals a day at regular intervals

• eating a minimum of 6,300 kilojoules each day

• eating a variety of different foods

• eating plenty of nutrient-rich foods such as fruits and vegetables

• limiting your intake of high fat foods and sugar-sweetened drinks

• drinking lots of water (6-8 glasses daily).

Give your teen responsibility

While it is your job to provide your adolescent with healthy foods, it is their responsibility to make healthy choices. Allow your teen to decide when and what they want to eat. Remind them that it is their body – so it’s their choice how to treat it!

Ask your teen what they need from you to help maintain healthy behaviours.

Emphasise your teen’s positive qualities and talents

Make an effort to support your adolescent’s talents, skills, and interests. Show your teen through your support and reinforcement that their value is not based on weight or shape, but on their internal qualities.

• Emphasise the importance of values in life other than one’s appearance (e.g. honesty, respect, compassion, dedication etc.)

• Support your teen by attending their events, commenting on positive qualities, noticing their extra efforts, etc.

Act as a positive role model

Try to convey a healthy message

yourself by not dieting, but eating

healthy and staying active

Make positive comments about

others; refrain from judging

others by their weight and shape.

Talk and listen to your teen.

Helpful Hints for Talking with Your Teen

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Vice Versa:

Do you ever hear your teen through a

filter? Can you think of an example of

a time when this happened?

Social Implications

Mum thinks:

"I’m afraid that if my teen doesn’t lose weight they will miss out on important parts of being a teen.”

Mum says:

“Don't you think you would feel better if you lost a little weight? You'd look great!’"

Child hears:

"Mum doesn't think the way I look is okay.”

Alternate Message:

Teach your teen to build their self-esteem on characteristics other than their physical appearance. Remind them of what makes them such a wonderful and unique person.

Forbidden Foods

Dad thinks:

“I was overweight when I was younger and I don’t want my teen to have the same problems that I had."

Dad says:

“You shouldn’t eat junk food. I’ll buy you some less fattening food."

Child hears:

"My dad thinks I'm fat and wants to control what I eat. If I want something that isn't low-fat I'll have to sneak it."

Alternate Message:

Even though you’re just trying to help, your teen may resent this type of comment. Try a more subtle approach, especially when your teen is at the beginning of their healthy habits journey.

What messages might you be sending?

Often there is a difference between what we say and

what others hear. This can happen when the speaker

is not communicating clearly or the listener isn’t

listening carefully. Sometimes the miscommunication

results in the listener "hearing" something completely

unintended by the speaker. How this relates to the

messages your teen receives is simple – you may

intend to offer support or clear advice (e.g. “Eat a

healthy diet”), but your teen may hear rejection or

criticism. Even with the best of intentions, some of

your comments and actions may contribute to your

adolescent feeling critical of their body and eating

habits.

As you read the following scenarios, ask yourself if you

have ever said any of these things and consider

whether your teen may have misunderstood your

intentions (i.e. heard you through a filter).

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Supportive Communication

Here are examples of different types of statements -

Examples of ‘you’ statements:

"You don’t exercise enough."

"You need help."

"You eat too much junk. You shouldn’t eat that.”

Examples of ‘I’ statements:

"I want to just say 'Stop!' But I know it's not that simple. How can I help?”

“I noticed you haven’t exercised this week and I am wondering if something is making it difficult for you."

“I see that you tend to eat more when you’re feeling anxious and it seems like you feel even worse after.”

“I’m wondering if there is anything I can do to help you feel less anxious – like go for a walk or talk about what’s going on?”

CAUTION - avoid ‘should’ statements: Avoid telling your teen that they “shouldn’t be eating that” or “you should be going for a run”. If your teen has made an unhealthy choice, wait for the next opportunity to suggest an alternative (e.g. “There are apples and cheese in the fridge” or “I know you’ll like the oranges I bought today”) or model healthier choices yourself.

Active Listening

1. STANCE. Sit face-to-face, lean forward, maintain eye contact, nod occasionally

2. HEAR. Attend to feelings that you think your child might be having

3. SAY. Make observations (“I can see you’re really sad”; “I can tell it’s hard for you to talk about”) or summarise your teen’s statement (“Am I right by saying that you’re nervous about eating more?”; “So Rachel really hurt your feelings”).

4. SUPPORT. Express your un-conditional love and support for your teen and readiness to take responsibility so that they are not alone with their feelings

5. AVOID. Contradiction, criticism, explanation, pushing, judgement, or defensiveness.

Time to Talk!

Practicing good listening skills will make it easier for your child to talk to you about their difficulties. Listening is just listening. It might be tempting to add your own thoughts or offer solutions, but this can discourage the speaker. Active listening is supportive, assuring, and comforting.

Pick a time to practice ACTIVE listening for 10 minutes.