1. psychology alliance Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comSynergisticRelationshipsMoving towards positive coach/client communicationBy Patrick Williams, EdD, MCCCoaching at best is a co-creative, interdepen-2. To learn what synergy is.dent relationship. You as the coach should 3. To become comfortable with all three types offocus your attention on the clients statedpersonal relationships: cooperative, collaborative andgoals and all the interconnections fromsynergistic.other areas of their life. But you are also part of the con- 4. To learn how to create the kind of coach/clientversation, and communication is not always receivedrelationship that works best for your clients.the way it was intended. The coaching relationship issynergistic and uniquely intimate and because of this, Framework needed for coaching your clientsconflict or miscommunication can occur. The follow-A recent TV commercial tells us, When companiesing article, adapted from Total Life Coaching, Chapter compete, the consumer benefits. Indeed, competi-19, offers some guidance and tips to enhance the quali-tion between enterprises and businesses form the basisLIFE LESSON 19: Competition is primitive; cooperation is better;collaboration is best; and a synergistic relationship is superior.ty of your communication in coaching and to alert youof the entire American economy. In fact, winning ato possible communication breakdowns.competitive relationship generally determines how successful we are in business.LIFE LESSON 19: Competition is primitive; cooperation All sports are based upon competition, either withis better; collaboration is best; and a synergistic relationship yourself or with another player or team. Winning in ais superior. competitive game is fundamental to success in orga- nized sports. Competition is everywherebut thereObjectives is a personal cost. Many times competition is destruc-1. To understand the distinctions between competi- tive. It is always divisive and separating.tion, cooperation, collaboration and synergy. What happens if you dont want to compete? The VOLUME 5 NUMBER 1 37

2. psychology allianceReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comdifficulty with competition is that except for the sin- gle winner, everybody loses! When you are afraid ofMessages Within LIFE LESSON 19 losing, you rarely compete. And when you do compete and lose, you feel lousy. In the National Football 1. Life coaches do not compete with their League, every team save one ends the season with aclients. loss. At the end of the football season, every team feels2. A competitive coach/client relationship lousy except the winner of the Super Bowl. In a com-is the poorest kind. petitive society, the vast majority of people feel lousy3. A collaborative one is better. because the winners are so few.In a coaching relationship, competing with your 4. A synergistic relationship is the ideal one clients is always destructive. It sets up a win/lose rela-between client and life coach. tionship. And when your clients lose, the coach/client relationship loses, and the coach loses as well. A com-After we learn to compete and cooperate, we need to petitive relationship with your clients is never benefi- learn how to collaborate. Collaboration differs from cial to the clients. Authentic coaches always keep their cooperation in that it results in a brand new relation- clients best interests in the forefront of their minds. ship. You can cooperate with someone and never As such, creating a competitive relationship withchange, but when you collaborate with someone you clients is off limits for life coaches. In fact, it is not are always changed! You grow! coaching. If you engage in competitive relationships,Collaboration means you and your clients function you will probably not be hired as a coach. as a team, as a single unit. You can cooperate and stillBy the time we are in Kindergarten, we begin to learn function as an individual, but when you collaborate, about the benefits of cooperation. But cooperation onyou become someone bigger than you were before. a test is called cheating. So we usually dont understandCollaborative teamwork is by far the most productive what the benefits of cooperation really are. of relationships. It defines the most effective and You can cooperate with someone and never change, but when you collaborate with someone you are always changed! You grow!As beneficial as competition is in some situations, authentic coach/client relationship. you cannot be competitive unless you first learn to A cathedral is something much more than a pile of cooperate. In business, cooperation between employ-rocks stacked on one another. When the result is ees and employers is crucial. In team sports, coopera- greater than the sum of its component parts, we call this tion is essential to winning. Cooperation with the rules a synergistic outcome. When a life coach and a client of the game is critical to playing. What would happenform a synergistic relationship, the outcome is greater to a basketball team if there were no cooperationthan the contribution made by each person involved in among the team players, or no cooperation with the the relationship. Working alongside others is less cre- rules of basketball? Would such a team be successful?ative than working synergistically with others. When Without cooperation, there would never be competi- you work synergistically with another, the outcome is tion. In any setting, the fiercest competitors need to never quite known until that outcome is created. cooperate within an agreed-upon framework. Other- The most creative and beneficial outcomes of wise competition does not occur. The key for coaches human endeavors have been those in which synergy is to create a cooperative relationship while avoiding a has been involved. When you combine your coaching competitive onebut this is not an easy task!contribution with the clients contribution, the out- 38VOLUME 5 NUMBER 1 3. psychology allianceReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com come is greater than either partys contribution. That3. Create special opportunities for creating synergy.is synergy in action!Invite your clients to become spontaneous in their If you want to leave a great coaching legacy with eachconversations. Ask them to spend time in a place thatof your clients, always strive for synergistic relationships is sacred to them and invite others to join them. Askwith them. Not only is it important that you become theyour clients to form what Napoleon Hill calls a mas-best you can be, it is even more critical that your rela-ter-mind group that is devoted to deep thinking, cre-tionships are the best they can be. Without quality rela-ative conversation, and soulful listening.tionships, your individuality shrivels and you never4. Realize that synergy is best developed whenrealize your potential as a human being. Develop superi- seemingly contradictory or outrageous ideas areor relationships with others and you will grow into theblended and shaped into a final creation that mystifiesperson you were born to be...truly great in who you are! all participants involved in the process. A synergistic outcome emerges from multiple causessynthesizingA coaching exercise to share with your clients the energy of all participants, their common dialogue,Following are several tips for developing collaborativetheir various thoughts and visions, and then combin-and synergistic relationships. Competition exists and is ing them in the crucible of creativity that allows it alluseful at times, and cooperation is a useful human strate- to be synthesizedthat is synergy!gy, but we believe that within collaborative and synergis-tic relationships your clients will move to greaterTips for creating a synergisticpurposeful living, and toward the efficient creation ofcoaching conversationtheir desired outcomes. We are not meant to go through 1. Prepare yourself for the contact. View the coach-life alone! That is a myth brought to our culture by Alexising conversation as an opportunity to co-create withde Toqueville when he wrote of Americas rugged indi- your clients a synergistic outcome. Get ready for thevidualism and praised us for the pioneer spirit thatcontact by reviewing your notes from previous con-birthed our country. Yet, rugged individualism is also whatversations, recalling what outcomes your clients want The most creative and benecial outcomes of human endeavors have been those in which synergy has been involved.often separates us from one another. This myth idealizingfrom coaching, becoming aware of your own mentaldoing everything alone seems to have spread beyond the and emotional state, and remaining open to andborders of America to most industrialized nations. focused upon listening, understanding, clarifying, andWhen coaching your clients (or using this lesson for apprehending the entire conversation.your own personal evolution), we suggest you helpyour clients to: 2. Have your clients tell you:1. Look for opportunities to involve others in their How They Are TodayThis Moment.goals, creative ideas, and big visions. Great events in How are you feeling about yourself (good and bad)?the world have always begun within conversations How are you looking at your relationships, your life?with others. How are you feeling about others?2. Become willing to let go of their favorite method What Has Happened Since Our Last Contact?for accomplishment to explore a new means for the What has occurred to you since the last call?blossoming of their ideas. As a coach, you might be the What breakthroughs and insights have you had?seed planter, but what eventually blooms within your Have you made any new choices or decisions?clients may surprise even you. Is there any relevant personal news you can share?VOLUME 5 NUMBER 1 39 4. psychology allianceReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comcommunication is the bridge to co-creating a positive relationship with your clients What Are You Working On?Coach: (after debriefing the clients week) So, what What progress have you made on your coaching would you like from our coaching today? (This is agoals, projects and new habits?great way to imply that the client is part of the equa- What have you done that you are proud of?tionthe coach did not ask, What do you want from What you are coming up against?me today?) What ways are there to move over, under, aroundClient: I need help with my sense of overwhelm. Ior through perceived obstacles?am not accomplishing what I want. So I need you to As Your Life Coach, How I Can Best Assist You?tell me ways to combat that. Where are you stuck? Coach: I am sure you would like me to tell you, but Where are you wondering about something? I find it more powerful if we come up with possible What is your plan of action? solutions together. My answers may not work for Do you need information, a strategy, to brain- you. So lets work together on some ideas now, okay?storm, or advice?Client: Darn. You mean you are not just going to tell How can I best coach you?me the secrets? Somehow I knew that (client Whats Next?chuckles). What is the next action, clarification, choice, or Coach: Tell me first what is overwhelming you anddecision that will move you closer to your then we will do some possibility thinking together, okay?desired outcome? Client: Well, I have all these projects, and obliga- What do you want next for yourself?tions, such as What new key habit do you want to strengthen?(This models the key to collaborative and synergistic What do you want next for your relationships?coaching. Often times brilliant ideas come out of the coachs mouth or the clients mouth. But they surfaced because of the 3. Always seek to fully comprehend your clientnature of the coaching conversation.) before sharing your own thoughts, ideas, feelings, opinions or knowledge.In the coaching relationship, communication is the bridge to co-creating a positive relationship with your 4. As you speak, listen at least twice as long as you speak.clients in order to model the best communication and to avoid conflict. But when conflict or breakdowns do 5. Speak with clarity and appreciation for your clientsoccur, you can use communication to move back to position and power. positive and purposeful conversations that propel the client to their desired outcome. 6. Regarding your contributions to the coaching conversation, remember that your timing is critical.This excerpt is from Total Life Coaching: 50+ Life Lessons, Skills and Techniques to Enhance your Prac- Sample coaching conversation fortice and your Life by Patrick Williams and Lloyd Thomas, LIFE LESSON 19WW Norton Books, 2005, New York, NY. (This dialogue is really for the coach to see how to create coaching relationships that are synergistic. We believe that is Patrick Williams, EdD, MCC, is Chief Energizing Officer of the the power of authentic life coaching.)Institute for Life Coach Training. 40VOLUME 5 NUMBER 1