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It s all about skillsOuch! That was pretty close, he would havekilled himself, said I, as a streak of panic ranthrough me and I was pushing my left foothard as though pressing the brake pedal. Ram,who was driving the car, seemed to be leastperturbed. Trying to justify my apparent pan-

ic, I persisted, these damned bikers should beshot pointblank.

Calm down Bharath, if you have to driveon these roads, youve to get used to all these.He seemed to be making an oblique refer-ence to my driving phobia. He continued,And you know, the biker, who just squeezedthrough the gap, would not even have felt therisk you are so disturbed about.

Do you mean he is in such a hurry to beblind to the risks he goes through? I asked, in

a slightly-offended tone.

No, he is confident of his driving anddoes not see any risk in the way he does it. Hconfidence comes from his skills, I also heathe unsaid part, and mine from mine.

Fight or Flight:How did I miss it? This is something I keetalking about in my trainings: Lack of skilead to poor attitude and vice versa. I am alconscious that it is my lack of driving skithat is at the root of my grumbling about throad traffic or parking space.

I thought I should not miss this momento talk about a specific behavioral skill I hawanted Ram to develop. I broached the subject cautiously.

Tough Talk Fight or ight mode is de nitely the easy way out of atough situation but having a skillful dialogue could helpnot only to sort issues out, but to strengthen relationsas well.

Steering the

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Yes, I agree with you Ram. We are gener-ally averse to doing things, which we do notknow or in which we lack skills.

For instance? he asked in a puzzled tone.I hate driving because Imno good at it and it showsin my attitude. I blame alot of things outside me toavoid driving and when I amforced to do it, I get intothe primitive fight or flightinstinct. And now I realisethe best way or rather theonly way is to get behind thewheel. I mean practice.

Yes, of course, that is true with any skillwe want to develop said he on the expectedlines. So, if we look at certain things we tend

to avoid, we could probably trace it back tothe lack of skills at their root.

He seemed to be more mindful of his driv-ing now, obviously not wanting to give a re-

sponse. But he was intently listening. If youhave a YASNOR boss (Yelling At Subordi-nate For No Obvious Reasons), the best way

to tackle is to talk it out rather than sulkinabout it to your friends.

But here you see it is not only your skilthat count, but your boss skills too. If he

not able to take the feedback, thenyou have had it.

But, so is the case with drivingWhen you are sure of your skillsyoure confident of handling thosof the other person too. If youknow to steer the talk, you donthave to bother about what the otherperson lacks.

I continued, Avoiding some-thing may temporarily work Ram, since wmay pretend to remain unaffected. But could erupt one day and make us get into

Whenever you find yourselfstuck with another person orsituation, it is a sure sign of a

crucial conversation waiting tohappen.

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sort of unexpected violent behaviour. I haveseen people putting in their papers at the dropof a hat. When you look a little deeper, thedrop of a hat would have been just a flimsyexcuse for the real reasons that have accumu-lated over time.

If we learn the finer way of handling thesetough conversations, be it in personal or inprofessional relationships, we may not need to

operate from the flight or fight extremes orsilent or violent modes, as Karry Pattersonet al have termed in their book Crucial Con-versations.

Why do we get stuck?Whenever you find yourself stuck with anoth-er person or situation, it is a sure sign of a cru-cial conversation waiting to happen. The con-versations turn crucial particularly when thereare opposing viewpoints, strong emotions andhigh stakes. Be it talking to your boss aboutyour annual hike or discussing with your wifeabout her obsession of buying gold, there arecertainly polar-opposite views and high stakesand no doubt, emotions run high when theseissues are taken up. Because it is tough to talkthese things out, we either tend to avoid themor mess them up when we try to handle.

Though people tend to handle routine busi-ness communication effectively, when it comesto crucial conversations, things bog down, gohaywire, yet such conversations have incrediblepotential. How people conduct themselves

during these times will have a tremendouseffect on a relationship, or on a company.Unfortunately, studies show that when theconversation matters the most, people do theworst.

Dialoguing skill:The authors of the book discovered that mostpeople resort to one or the other end of ascale with violence at one end and silence atthe other, or what we term as the primitivefight or flight mode. Flight in todays worldbecomes silence or absence; fight becomesyelling, screaming, pushing and other formsof violence (ref box item). The worst com-municators when faced with a crucial conver-sation run from it or escape mentally. Goodcommunicators either sugarcoat their opin-ions or ramrod them. The best communica-

tors, however, resolve the problem throughdialogue.

What people need to learn is how to dia-logue when a crucial conversation is immi-nent. Dialogue is defined as the free flow of meaning. Each person in a crucial conversa-tion comes with a bucket of presumptions, as-sumptions, opinions, and facts. Ideally, each isallowed to dump his/her bucket into a poolof shared meaning from which synergy andresolution will emerge. And remember, dia-loguing cannot be mastered in a day and hasto be learnt by doing like you learnt to maneu-ver your car through traffic-laden roads. Thebook Crucial Conversations can at best, serveas a manual for steering your talk.

Next time, when you are stuck in a situa-tion, probably there is a crucial conversationwaiting to happen.

Bharath Gopalan

The writer is a Learning & Development pro-fessional and presently steers the L&D prac-tice at Madras Cements. He holds MasterDegrees in Psychology and Human ResourceManagement.

For Further Reading:Crucial Coversatons - Tools for TalkingWhen Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Tata Mcgraw Hill

At the first sign of a conversationgoing bad, we tend to adopt fight orflight more commonly, experiencedas moving into silence or violence.Silence and violence surface throughthree respective behaviours for each.

Silence is any action taken to with-hold information from the pool of meaning. It ranges from playing verbalgames to avoiding a person entirely. Itoccurs via masking, avoiding, and/orwithdrawing. Masking consists of understating orselectively showing our true opinions.Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couchingare some ways we mask our meaning. Avoiding involves staying completelyaway from sensitive subjects. We talk-but without addressing the issues thatare uncomfortable or upsetting. Withdrawing happens when we pullout of communication altogether. Welose even the possibility of dialogue bysteering clear of those who might raisedifficult subjects. In some cases we goso far as to withdraw from a team or aproject or to transfer others in order toavoid dealing with them.

Violence can be any action taken tocompel others toward your point of view. It occurs via controlling, labeling,and/or attacking. Controlling is coercing othersthrough how we share our views ordrive the conversation itself. It in-cludes cutting others off, overstatingour opinions, speaking in absolutes,forcefully changing the subject, or us-ing directive questions to control the

conversation. Labeling is putting a label on peopleor ideas so we can dismiss them undera general stereotype or category. Attacking is the stage of violencewhere weve given up on convincingothers and have adopted a goal of punishing them personally. We resortto abusive tactics such as belittling,name-calling, and threatening.

Repeated patterns of futile be-haviour

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