Spiritual Abuse 5. Where do Abusive Churches Come From

Spiritual AbuseSpiritual AbusePart 5: Where Do Abusive Churches Come

From

Presented by Bob Munson, ThDAdministrator, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center

What is “spiritual abuse”? 2 definitions:

“misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help.”

“the manipulation and exploitation of others by the misuse of spiritual privilege and power.”

The definitions recognize spiritual as greater than simply supernatural, but includes Tillich's view of spirit as power combined with meaning.

The Bible uses several pictures for the church. Among them are:

A Family--loving relationships based on a new identity

A Body—symbiotic diversity Baptized of one Spirit—divinely established unity

These and other images suggest a loving, supportive, mutuality of the church.

One can embrace theology and Biblical interpretation that promotes abuse: Sees leaders as unaccountable to members, or

members as required to submit unilaterally to leaders.

Concentrates ecclesiastical power with the few over the many.

Places rules or task above people. Embraces militaristic or divisive metaphors (US

versus THEM)

So Why is the Reality so often Destructive?

But these are symptoms of the problem, not the cause of the problem.For example no one is likely to see unilateral

submission to any human authority taught in the Bible, unless one has brought such a viewpoint from outside into the interpretation process.

One can say that “sin” is the cause of problems in the church. It may be true, but is not highly useful. It is akin to saying that a person died because his heart stopped.

A possible source for dysfunctional churches is dysfunctional families

The patterns of dysfunctionality learned in biological families become transmitted into the church family.

The unwritten rules and relationships developed in dysfunctional families become the unwritten (or perhaps written)

John Bradshaw has written on 8 characteristics that divide functional and

dysfunctional familiesThe 8 characteristics have deep parallels with

dysfunctional/abusive churches-- especially the first 7.

The following compares the 8 characteristics:

<http://www.a-spiritual-journey-of-healing.com/psychology-self-help.html

And several books by John Bradshaw, particularly “The Family”

My first presentation on Spiritual Abuse>

http://www.a-spiritual-journey-of-healing.com/psychology-self-help.html

1. Acceptance Healthy families recognize it is okay to make

mistakes. Dysfunctional families require members to

always be in control... not make mistakes Dysfunctional/Abusive churches base individual

worth on performance... mistakes are not tolerated. (WF)

(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship(GB) refers to Graham Barker

2. Perfection Healthy families recognize it is okay to be wrong

and admit to being wrong. Dysfunctional families believe that one must not

admit one is wrong. Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Image

conscious. The reputation of the leaders must be protected (WF)

(WF) refers to Watchmen Fellowship(GB) refers to Graham Barkerb

4. Freedom Healthy families recognize its members can have

individual feelings, thoughts, opinions, desires, and imaginations.

Dysfunctional families see such individuation as a problem to fix.

Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Diversity is a problem. Leaders determine what to think and feel (WF). Don't think (GB)


5. Talk Healthy families recognize it's okay to talk

honestly. Dysfunctional families stifle honest conversation. Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Averse to

criticism (WF). Don't talk. (GB)


6. Reality Healthy families understand that it is fine to

recognize there is a problem. Dysfunctional families practice 'mythmaking,'

denying there are problems. Dysfunctional/Abusive churches. Image is more

important than truth(WF).


7. Reliability Healthy families are in the process of learning to

trust each other. Dysfunctional families don't trust each other... or

others. Dysfunctional/Abusive churches practice “Don't

Trust.” (GB)


8. Reconciliation Healthy families seek to resolve differences. Dysfunctional families maintain grudges and

hurt feelings without resolution Dysfunctional/Abusive churches struggle

with reconciliation usually because of problems in the balancing of Law and Grace.

For example. Many churches will seek to maintain the image of perfection by hiding or denying

mistakes, while at the same time developing a “cult of confession.” This is however, to maintain

the authority of the leadership. The leaders maintain double standards, while the membership is blamed and encouraged to come up with new

things to confess.

It must be noted, however, that some of these characteristics may seem a bit self-

contradictory. That is because certain ones apply to certain roles.

The Parent-Child Relationship has a profound effect on the church.

Consider four types of parent: Authoritarian. Strong on Control. Weak on

Affection/Warmth. Permissive. Weak on Control. Strong on

Affection. Neglectful or Rejecting. Weak on Control.

Weak on Affection. Authoritative. (Medium-) strong on Control.

Strong on Affection.

The two types of parenting styles most prone to be abusive are Authoritarian and

Neglectful/RejectingIn other words, Low demonstration of

Affection/Warmth (regardless of Control) has a crushing effect on the child.

A child can model the high control low warmth parent, or could be driven to hyperachievement by a neglectful or rejecting parent.

Family and Leadership StyleGary McIntosh and Sam Rima in “The Dark Side of

Leadership” note how leadership styles are driven by childhood difficulties. They note five bad leadership styles:

Compulsive Narcissistic Paranoid Co-Dependent Passive-Aggressive

Family and Leadership StyleWhile all five types are problematic in church, the first three

are most likely to be abusive. Compulsive Leaders are driven by anger, and are task-

focused rather than people-focused, as well as typically judgmental

Paranoid Leaders are driven by fear, and will sabotage others to maintain power.

Narcissistic leaders will damage others for the sake of their own image. Constantly seeks greater achievements to feel good about self.

Family and Leadership StyleThese three leadership types are driven neither

by love of God nor love of others.They are driven by Anger, Fear, or

Selfishness/self-doubt. These drives commonly spring from low

affection as children, and other traumatic events.

Family and MembershipChildren who were abused (physically,

sexually, emotionally) grow up with a lot of baggage that they bring into their own families, and their own churches.

For churchmembers, some develop a codependency that submits to and supports abusive leaders, because it reflects the relational skills they developed in dealing with abusive parents.

Family and MembershipFor others, a church group that is very tight-knit

and strongly directive may be a welcome change from the neglectful family of their childhood.

These people gradually become accustomed to the more stifling aspects of such control, and may lack the background to know the difference between nurturing and controlling.

So What to Do?

There are two problems. What to do when abusive churches exist, and leaders or members find themselves in abusive relationships. That is for a different presentation.

The other problem is how to break the cycle. Breaking the cycle is tied to healing families.

So What to Do?

Healing families, however, is often quite different than what is taught in church. Commonly, what is taught in church is how to get families to conform to a social or sub-cultural norm. That is not always wrong... but doesn't really deal with the problems associated with abuse.

People in the church need to understand how a family is supposed to function relationally.

Quote: Esther Schubert

“Most family systems that work effectively provide maintenance…. and guidance …. Healthy families provide safety, security, and stability. In contrast, dysfunctional families are ruled by rigidity, isolation, denial, and shame. They are unstable, and produce insecurity and pathology in their members. When children of dysfunctional families become adults they continue to see their world through the filter of dysfunction.


…. Children in a dysfunctional family grow up in a closed system, one that teaches rigidity of roles and rules that must be played out in order for the family to survive. Beliefs about people and the outside world are distorted. The outside is viewed as an unsafe place. The child learns “don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust.”


The boundaries that form structure, certainty, and consistency within functional families are distorted or non-existent in dysfunctional families. These boundaries are... individual boundaries ... and family boundaries.

Individual boundaries are crossed when children do not have privacy, when they are abused, or when they feel their only worth is based on what they can produce, not who they are. ….


Family boundaries can be extremely rigid in which no one in the family is allowed to communicate with anyone outside the family for fear that family secrets and myths will be discovered …”

<Esther Schubert, “Current Issues in Screening and Selection” (for missionary candidates) in the 1992 book Missionary Member Care: Counting the Cost for World Evangelism (Kelly O’Donnell editor)>

It should be pretty obvious that the patterns of dysfunctionality in families show up again

in dysfunctional/abusive churchesChurches need to model healthy functional

relationships. This takes having healthy spiritual leaders. This may take pre-hiring screening, and post-hiring counseling.

Churches need to train families to develop functional edifying relationships with the proper amount of control, and high warmth.

Churches, in addition to modeling and training, must provide (healing) pastoral care to those who have been hurt, as well as those who may be hurtful. (People who are hurt, hurt others.)

ReferencesThe Watchmen Fellowship

Barker, Graham. “The Insidious Harm of Spiritual Abuse” Alive Magazine

McIntosh, Gary, and Samuel Riva Sr. “Overcoming the Dark Side of Leaderhip”

Schubert, Esther, “Current Issues in Screening and Selection” (for missionary candidates) in the 1992 book Missionary Member Care: Counting the Cost for World Evangelism (Kelly O’Donnell editor)

Bradshaw, John “The Family”


<And a number of my presentations related to this subject on Slideshare.net.>


Spiritual Abuse 5. Where do Abusive Churches Come From

Spiritual

Transcript of Spiritual Abuse 5. Where do Abusive Churches Come From