Sept. 17, 2009

� e o� cial student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

September 17 to September 23, 2009 [Volume 34; Issue 4]

t he scribeUCCS hosts annual “Bike Jam” Car � re at Lot 4 gives

campus a scare

� e End Laugh CULTURE OPINION SPORTS

the PA� DOX

CAMPUS NEWS

pages 14 and 15

Aaron Novy nominated to Sodexo board

� e 9/12 Project: Shoot out or make-out sesssion?

Sports Buzz: John Madden: No end in sight

Shopping for clothing locally in the Springs

page 5

page 6 page 13page 11

phone: (719) 255 - 3658 | fax: (719) 255 - 3600 | email: [email protected] | website: www.uccsscribe.com CONTACT |

Buying Co� ee on cam-pus: When there is li� le time for Starbucks

Columns are not easy to write

page 7

page 4Milkand� s

Public Safety O� cer Steve Dewey takes a breather with UCCS Mascot Boomer. Ariel La� imore

Sept. 15, the UCCS Of-� ce of Sustainability pro-moted and held its annual “bike to school day” in an e� ort to create a cleaner environment and a health-ier lifestyle by encourag-ing campus students, sta� and faculty to commute to campus using alterna-tives to single-occupancy vehicles. � e event featured a free breakfast in the morning, with two “in mass” rides later in the day, and bicycle experts from the Recre-

ation Center Bike Repair Shop were on hand all day to help students � x any mechanical problems that they may have had with their bikes. “We had 82 riders that came and registered,” said Sustainability Director Linda Kogan. “� e Georg-raphy Department won the award for most riders, with 18. Biology was sec-ond with 8 riders. Both the Recreation Center and the Sustainability O� ce had complete o� ce ridership,” meaning all their sta� showed up, she said. Despite the early start time of 7:30 a.m., turnout was higher than expected,

and about one third of the a� endees were students. “� is is the � rst time we’ve ever held this event, so it was great,” Kogan con-tinued. “I think next year we’re going to do it again, and hopefully it will be even bigger.” “It just � ts in really well with our sustainability goals of reducing emissions from cars, things like that,” replied Kogan. Other successes that she noted included a number of � rst-time registered bi-cycles, a multitude of feed-back questionairre forms from the a� endants on bike riding at UCCS and raised awareness about

Tim [email protected]

BY:

Randy [email protected]

BY:

UCCS’ upcoming bicycle library. “We had folks get to try out some of the bikes from the bike library here on campus,” she said. UCCS now has 12 new bicycles that will be part of a bike li-brary program run through the Recreation Center, which will o� er free bicy-cle rentals to students with UCCS student IDs. Kogan expects the program to start in the next couple of weeks. Local bike shops in town donated prizes, along with Sun� ower Market and Costco. Sodexo also do-nated a part of the break-fast. ◆

� e College Republicans placed 2,977 � ags on the West Lawn-- one for each person who died on Sept. 11, 2001. Students, faculty, sta� and public safety personnel gathered at 9:11 a.m. to observe a moment of silence.

Ariel La� imore

Picture courtesy of Renee Rudolph

Last week, a car at the university caught on � re due to a short in the en-gine, halting much of the tra� c around UCCS. Last Wednesday, Sept. 9, at 4 p.m., Campus Police responded to a call that a car was in � ames at the in-tersection of Lot 4 and the roundabout. Clay Garner, Public Safety police o� cer and one of the o� cers at the scene, said that by the time they arrived there, “� e front of the vehicle was completely engulfed.” It took � re� ghters 50 min-utes from the time of the report to � nally douse the vehicle and remove it from the campus, by which point “the front end had melted and dropped to the ground,” Garner de-scribed. Many classes at UCCS are let out at 4:20 p.m., with the next shi� begin-ning at 4:30 p.m., so the sudden in� ux of students and sta� leaving or entering the campus was the main factor that determined the swi� ness of the emergency response. Garner added, “Our concern was to keep tra� c clear because we were afraid it might

detonate.” � e vehicle in question was a late-model Amigo, which Garner suspected was a modi� ed vehicle. “A� er-market [upgrades] may have contributed to the � re. Most car � res aren’t that out of control,” he said. Garner believed that a nitrous kit may have been the culprit. Although ni-trous oxide gas is not itself � ammable, it can increase the amount of oxygen available to a � ame source, aggravating an already-dangerous situation. According to Garner, � re� ghters a� erward deter-mined the cause of the � re to be a short that started somewhere in the engine. As standard for police pro-cedure, all non-emergency personnel remained 50 feet from the scene, in case an explosion did occur. When asked if a car � re has ever occurred on campus, both Garner and Chief Spice of Public Safe-ty replied in dissent. Chief Spice elaborated, “We once had a car buried halfway from a mudslide, but never a car set on � re.” Public Safety said that the persons involved were sta� on campus, but the individuals were not iden-ti� ed. No one was hurt in the � re. ◆

word of the scribe2September 17 to September 23, 2009

Jackie ParkinsonExecutive Editor

Shunned, lonely and quarantined:� e swine has hit

scribe sta�

Executive EditorJackie Parkinson

Managing EditorTim Canon

Copy Editor

Culture EditorAvalon Manly

striving to present the truth to the students by creating an open forum for opinions and ideas

Opinion EditorByron Graham

Campus News EditorCatherine Jensen

Sports EditorMa� hew Crandall

Layout EditorRosa Byun

Advertising ManagerSarah Tindell

ReportersRicky Dalldorf, Jim Holtz, Carrie Horner, Chris Medina, Lauren Mueller, David Owens

PhotographersKiley Card, Ariel La� imore, Carrie Woodru�

IllustratorArno

Randy Robinson

Interning ReportersPatricia Cameron, Justin Case, Brock Kilgore, Chris Sheppard, Jessica Vaughan

Interning PhotographersShawn Cruse, Kevin Kassem

ColumnistsTim Canon, Erica Doudna, Byron Graham, Greg Reilly, Veronica Graves

DistributorDonald Trujillo

Web DesignerDorian Rogers

Layout Designers

Alec Bishop, Chris Sheppard, Justin Soto

� e Scribe strongly encourages Le� ers to the Editor. Le� ers intend-ed for publication must not exceed 300 words, must be legible and must include the writer’s name and telephone number. Le� ers must be turned into � e Scribe o� ce, emailed or delivered to � e Scribe mailbox in the ROAR o� ce by 5 p.m. the Friday before publica-tion. � e Scribe reserves the right to reject Le� ers to the Editor that are libelous or obscene and has the right to edit as necessary due to space limitations, grammatical or spelling errors and AP style guide-line errors.

Additional copies of the current publication volume will be avail-able in � e Scribe o� ce. � e Scribe keeps issues from the past � ve volumes for internal use only. � e O� ce of University Records will handle any request for additional issues from the past � ve years and beyond.

Archives

Le� ers to the Editor

CorrectionsIn Volume 34, Issue 3 of � e Scribe, the article “UCCS Cross Country hosts Rust Buster Invitational” should read that the Men’s team actually � nished � � h, while the Women’s � nished fourth. Fur-thermore, the picture above the story depicted the open race held prior to the NCAA competitive races.

I could feel it coming on for weeks and weeks, and Monday hit and I knew that my worst fear had come true — I was sick. I started o� with just a sore throat and then I moved on to a light cough, then it peaked. I had the most disgusting cough known to human-kind and would burst out in outrageous � ts every so o� en. However, something di� erent happened this time when I coughed; sud-denly people began to stare at me in fear. Now, usually when peo-ple stare at me in fear, I � nd it amusing, yet this time it was as if I was a viral plague about to inhabit their somewhat-clean innards. Yet, I just had a sore throat and a cough with no fever, no stomachache, no chills, no headache, no muscle aches or anything. � ere-fore, I deemed myself per-fectly able to be about in public. A� er all, the signs in the restrooms at UCCS clearly state that you must have a fever to have the swine � u, and I did not. Trust me, I forced many a person to feel my forehead for signs of irregularities. While I did not have the swine � u, I was still quar-antined from the world in a di� erent way than people who actually do have swine � u. Every time I coughed, people would gawk and act as if I was about to o� them in a second. Silly people, it takes a while for swine � u to infect you. Yet, I still took the pre-cautions of swine � u-like behavior and washed my hands according to the UCCS approved direc-

tions. I even lathered vig-orously to make sure no germs infected myself, or infected the well being of my healthy cohorts. I consistently drank gallons upon gallons of water, in-gested chicken noodle soup (one of my least fa-vorite foods) and sucked down cold medicine to put me in a cloudy state of mind. By the way, any mis-takes in the last issue of � e Scribe, I blame on the cold medicine. Nevertheless, we can all do everything we can to � ght against the swine � u and there really isn’t any-thing we can do against it. It will spread, we will become a� ected and we will have to learn to � ght it o� with our own immune systems. Not with the immune systems of some miracle anti-pig remedy from your local shaman or a � u shot. While these remedies can help and I do not deny anyone the right of trying these solutions, I have nev-er used them in the past. Although, my neighbor is a shaman and she can have you diagnosed and rem-edied, and ready to go just by looking at you. So, what makes the swine � u so di� erent from everything else? Physicians are telling us that it is a strain that humans have li� le or no immunity towards with the ability to travel faster than regular strains of the � u. While this is alarming and I am still crossing my � ngers that I do not get it, most people do expect ev-ery winter to come down with some type of sickness or another. Since winter usually causes cold weather and our noses run during cold weather, it can be expected for our immunity to not be as strong as it was during the warm months, there-fore we get the � u. Really, that’s just my way of justi-fying why everyone gets sick during those months, because I’m a business ma-jor and unless it has to do with e� ciency I could care

less. � e only e� ciency I care about is when half my sta� is called out sick with the swine � u. Actually, two other peo-ple on sta� have already been a� ected by the swine � u among multiple other UCCS students. Both of their stories are about the same. � ey went to the doctor to be tested a� er feeling disgusting, then they awaited test results for days, because now ev-eryone who feels a tickle in the throat screams swine � u. During those days of awaiting their test results, they were locked inside their house or “quaran-tined.” My favorite story is of one student who ac-tually had her student ID taken from her, because holding a student ID is like holding a key to the school, and only people with mag-ic identi� cation cards can walk through the Univer-sity Center Pearly Gates. While quarantined students are bored out of their minds missing class and missing work, those whodo not have swine � u are pretending they are so that they can do the same. Even if it is important to keep those who are in-fected quarantined, and trust me, we can all agree to that, shouldn’t we treat those with normal seasonal � us and coughs with more decency than shunning them away or at least have a be� er way of dealing with those infected with swine � u? Perhaps it is my own bias talking, but it was bad enough feeling like a viral plague and hoping that I wouldn’t infect anyone. I will encourage everyone to go out and get the � u shots that will be available via the Health Center on cam-pus in the next few weeks, because a� er all if there is a chance to avoid this entire situation, we should gladly accept the pain of a li� le needle with praise and thank our administration for trying to protect us to the best of their ability. ◆

student life9/20/2009 - 9/26/2009

news in brief

In perhaps the most blatant stereo-type of Wal-Mart customers ever, health o� cials in Forsyth County, N.C. have begun canvassing neigh-borhoods o� ering gi� cards from the nation’s famous behemoth-turned-grocery-ish store in exchange for a simple favor — that the recipients submit to syphilis and HIV tests. In perhaps the most clear cut vindica-tion ever of such stereotyping, the gi� cards ran out a� er the � rst weekend. Wal-Mart spokespeople were, under-standably, speechless.

North Carolina gets serious on syphilis

sudoku! (Medium)

instructions:

i hope you know how to play sudoku because it’s been around for, like, forever, and it is a little surprising that you’re bothering to read this anyway. look it up online. google ‘how to sudoku.’

the � rst person to bring this completed sudoku will receive a schweeeet $10 gift card to La’au’s Tacos

bottom � oor UCenter rm. 106

email your quotes of the week to: [email protected]

- Overheard by friend of Chris Sheppard at Boulder

what’s going on today?

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sun.20

mon.21 tues.

22wed.

23thurs.

24Men’s Golf @ RMAC Fall, Trinidad, CO

Student Com-muter Coffee & Donuts @ Old Engineering Building 7 a.m.

Rape Aggression Defense Systems (RAD) @ Public Safety Training Room

Sky High Music Festival @ Denver, CO

Rape Aggression Defense Systems (RAD) @ Public Safety Training Room

Latin Mix @ UCCS Radio (radio.uccs.edu) 11 a.m.

Social Distortion @ Aggie Theater, Fort Collins 8:30 p.m.

“Our Town” @ The Osborne Studio Theatre 7:30 p.m.

fri.25

sat.26

Whitewater Kayaking with Campus Rec @ Arkansas River in Pueblo, CO

Telluride Blues and Brews Fes-tival @ Telluride Town Park, Tel-luride, CO

Men’s Golf @ Fal-con Invitational, US Air Force Academy, CO

Men’s Soccer vs. Regis @ Moun-tain Lion Stadium 1 p.m.

Fly Fishing Trip with Cam-pus Rec – Con-tact [email protected]

Women’s Volleyball vs. Chadron State @ The Lions’ Den 6 p.m.

Flogging Molly @ Red Rocks, Morrison, CO 6:30 p.m.


Majors/Minors Fair @ Uni-versity Center Gym 1 p.m. – 3 p.m.

Tantric w/Aranda, Atom Smash @ The Blacksheep 8 p.m.

Women’s Soccer vs. Metro State @ Mountain Lion Stadium 4:30 p.m.

Mr. UCCS Competition @ UC Upper Plaza 7 p.m.

Women’s Vol-leyball vs. Colo-rado Mines @ The Lions’ Den 7 p.m.


Henry Michael Berendes of La Crosse, Wisconsin was born last Wednesday, Sept. (that’s the ninth month of the year for those not on the Gregorian calendar) 9 at 9:09 a.m., weigh-ing in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces, in a coincidence of numbers that should send the nation’s number-superstitious into hid-ing. Both parents and doctors laughed aloud as the nurse read o� the numbers, but the fact that this birth did more for the number 9 than last week’s me-diocre and confusing glori� ed short � lm is no laughing ma� er.

Newborn hits it o� with number 9

Pandemic misinformation of the week:

Girl: “Honey, I don’t think I can eat at Taco Bell anymore.” Girl’s friend: “Why not?” Girl: “Well, because Taco Bell is Mexican food, and swine fl u is from Mexico, and I defi nitely don’t want swine fl u, like, ever.”

Search underway for new Vice Chancellor for Student Success and Enrollment Management

campus news4September 17 to September 23, 2009

Early this summer, UCCS Vice Chancellor for Student Success and Enrollment Management (VCSSEM) Robert Won-ne� retired, leaving his po-sition vacant and causing UCCS to begin recruitent for a replacement. Currently, explains Se-nior Associate Vice Chan-cellor for Academic A� airs and Professor of Political Science C. David Moon, the duties of the VCSSEM are being shared between

four senior directors in the Division of Student Suc-cess or Executive Director of Student Systems Steve Ellis, Director of Financial Aid and Student Employ-ment Lee Noble, Director of Student Success Susan Mitchell and Director of Student Retention and First Year Experience Bar-bara Gaddis. “We had planned for [Wonne� ’s] replacement to start in August,” said Moon in an email, “but a search…did not produce a hire because all three � -nalists accepted positions elsewhere by the time we were in a position to make them o� ers.”

Moon, together with Kee Warner, Associate Vice Chancellor for Di-versity, are the co-chairs of the current search for a new VCSSEM. � eir facilitating commi� ee is comprised of faculty, sta� , administrators and Stu-dent Government Associa-tion Vice President James Burge. � e group will “solicit nominations and applications, then review the applications, conduct preliminary interviews and ultimately recommend a set of � nalists,” explained Moon. � e � nalists will be invited for a campus visit, and be presented with an opportunity to meet with

certain student groups and sit in on open presenta-tions. “� e campus commu-nity will provide input to [Provost Margaret Bacon] through the search com-mi� ee about the � nalists, and [Bacon] will make an o� er based on that input and the recommendations of the commi� ee,” stated Moon. � e VCSSEM, expound-ed Moon, is meant to pro-vide the campus with direction and leadership in the areas of strategic en-rollment e� orts, student recruitment, enrollment and inclusive management and retention.

� e position also heads the Student Success Divi-sion, which o� ers academ-ic advising, degree progress reports and help with vari-ous programs and majors. � e VCSSEM has frequent contact with many di� erent o� ces, including Financial Aid, Admissions and Re-cords, the excel centers, Career Services, student clubs and organizations, student healthcare, coun-seling, commuter services, the O� ce of the Dean of Students and MOSAIC. � e VCSSEM works closely with students for their support, and provides academic direction in the ongoing e� ort to educate

the “whole student,” as the university develops and ex-periences larger enrollment numbers, said Moon. He continued, “We will be looking for a candidate with strong experience who understands the chal-lenges and opportunities at UCCS, and who is com-mi� ed to being a collab-orative leader.” � ere are currently nu-merous candidates seek-ing the VCSSEM posi-tion. Moon hopes that the � nalists’ interviews will be conducted on-campus throughout December, and that the new VCSSEM will be available to start some-time early in the spring. ◆

Aaron Novy, a current student, was hand-picked by Sodexo to its Stu-dent Board of Directors (SBOD) this month. According to the So-dexo website (which has recently dropped the “h” from its name), selection for the SBOD is a rigor-ous process. Many apply for the position, but only a few are selected. As Novy explained, there were over 100 applicants this year, but only � � een were se-lected. Novy is no rookie when it comes to coordinating with the student body; he � rst worked in UCCS’s Residence Hall Associa-tion (RHA), where he was initially discovered by So-dexo’s General Manager Russell Saunkeah. A� er Novy was approached by

Aaron Novy nominated to Sodexo board

Saunkeah, he was asked to apply to the board in order to enhance the dining ex-perience for the students at UCCS. As the � rst student from UCCS to join the SBOD, and one of the � rst from the state of Colorado, this is a big step toward im-proving dining conditions at the university. � e re-sponsibilities of the SBOD entail a monthly confer-ence, where Sodexo sta� discusses current issues and changes. “We bounce o� di� erent ideas and see what we want to do,” said Novy, “We’re like a sound-ing board or an advisory council.” Novy’s role will be to mediate between students and the corporate heads of the company, to determine what students want and what Sodexo can provide. His position will confer na-tional coverage, as Sodexo divides itself into seven separate regions (one of

which includes all of Canada). Novy, however, will have his work cut out for him. “� e problem is that Sodexo pre� y much only serves large schools and small schools,” he ex-plained, “and UCCS is in the middle.” � e univer-sity’s population has kept the students’ suggestions under the radar, but with Novy’s nomination, that may soon change. Among the changes that Novy wishes to implement are wider food selections to provide more choices for an ever-growing, diverse student body. “I also want to improve the quality of the food,” he added. Food is not the only order on the list of sug-gestions, as he also plans to raise student awareness concerning Sodexo’s other campaigns. “Sodexo does more than students know,” he said. According to Novy, Sodexo is also involved with charity work and do-nations, and if he has his way, UCCS will become more active with Sodexo’s humanitarian events. Sodexo typically helps out its communities by of-fering free food services to those who need it. � e company also hosts fund-raisers for various charities and many of these chari-ties are its own. Among the charities, Sodexo’s UK

website stated that the corporation raised £250 thousand (or over $450 thousand) for its STOP Hunger program. STOP Hunger also o� ers schol-arships to students who volunteer their free time combating hunger in the U.S., with awards reaching up to $5 thousand. Sodexo matches this award with another $5 thousand going to a hunger charity of the student’s choice. Addition-ally, last year the Manna Food Center, an organiza-tion that arranges food ac-commodations for schools and low-income families, awarded Sodexo the “Hun-ger Hero” title, the � rst ever bestowed by Manna Food Center. Novy stressed that his nomination is not a sure-ticket to ge� ing things changed on campus. Stu-dents should contact So-dexo if they have ideas or complaints. Most students are not aware that there is a feedback form avail-able at the UCCS website, one that goes directly to the General Manager. But “[i]f people really want to change things,” Novy stat-ed, “then they should join the board [of directors].” Russell Saunkeah can be contacted at [email protected] � e feedback form is on-line at: www.uccs.edu/ ~so-dexho/feedback.html. ◆

UCCS graduate student passes away


BY:

Avalon [email protected]

BY:

Tim [email protected]

BY:

� e University of Colo-rado at Colorado Springs mourns the passing away of graduate student Kevin Smoliak, which ocurred two weeks ago on Sept. 3. “On behalf of the cam-pus community, I o� er our deepest condolences to Kevin’s family, friends and classmates,” Chancel-

lor Pam Shockley-Zalabak said in a statement issued last Wednesday. Smoliak, son of Gerry and Gloria Smoliak and a Rampart High School graduate, earned his un-dergraduate degree in psy-chology and was on his way to completing a coun-seling degree, according to a university press release. Visitation was held Sept. 9, with plans for a private funeral. ◆

General Manager Russell Saunkeah and Aaron NovyCarrie Woodru�

Advertise with The Scribe

Contact Sarah Tindell at (719) 255 - 3469

campus news 5September 17 to September 23, 2009

� e UCCS TV Studio has high-tech equipment to broadcast live T.V., and teaches students about what goes on behind the scenes Kevin Kassem

While rushing through the University Center or Columbine Hall to get to class, students may � nd themselves caught up in the ritualistic, comfort-ing smell of co� ee dri� -ing about the halls. If they didn’t make it to Starbucks on the way to campus, there are alternate options just around the corner. Co� ee as well as baked goods and other items can be found at DazBog and Jazzman’s, UCCS’ two co� ee carts. We asked around to see what students and faculty think of prices and quality on- verses o� -campus. DazBog, located in Col-umbine and Dwire Halls, and Jazzman’s Café in the University Center, serve as an easily accessible re-source to students looking for a quick pick-me-up on their way to class. Students may � ll cup sizes of 12, 16 and 20 ounces with a wide array of drinks from regular brewed co� ee to specialty items. Worried about how much a cup a day will burn through your pocket? Daz Bog and Jazzman’s, not unlike Starbucks, also serve a variety of food. While Starbucks’ and Daz-

Catherine [email protected]

BY:

Buying co� ee on campus: When there is li� le time for Starbucks

At DazBog and Jazzman’s some of your favorites run, respective to size:

Regular brewed: $1.59, $1.79, $1.89La� e: $2.99, $3.59, $3.99Mocha: $3.59, $4.09, $4.59

At Starbucks:

Regular brewed: $1.50, $1.70, $1.80La� e: $2.65, $3.20, $3.50Mocha: $2.85, $3.40, $3.65

What you pay for on and off campus.

UCCS has had a radio station for some time, but the TV studio in the Uni-versity Center has long been used for � lm stud-ies classes and university photo shoots for advertise-ments. However, the full potential of the studio as a medium for actually pro-ducing television program-ming has lay dormant for years. A few enterprising stu-dents have begun to put together a TV station with original content and programming. Dubbed “UCCS LIVE!” by its cre-ators, calls have been put in on Facebook and else-where for actors, writers and technical sta� to work out of the TV studio in the University Center. “� e basic idea of the show will be similar to Mad TV and Saturday Night Live,” wrote Angie Cillo

UCCS group to produce new-television show

Greg [email protected]

BY:

Bog’s front counters house sandwiches, fruit cups and some pastrys, Jazzman’s o� ers additional options such as bagels, wraps and Naked juices. Specials may frequent your a� ention in any of these locations. Some spe-cials for fall at your local Starbucks include a Pump-kin Spice La� e and Pump-kin Spice Frapuccino. DazBog and Jazzman’s may be lacking in pumpkin products, but Jazzman’s worker Lee Wildenstein expresses that they are not without di� erent, unique and great-tasting drinks. “My favorite is the white chocolate macadamia iced la� e; it’s really good,” Wildenstein said. � ough not listed on the direct menu, Lee encour-ages students to come by to ask, and reminds students that they can add syrup to any drink to make it more specialized. Worker Hannah Taylor at DazBog in Columbine Hall enjoys the pepper-mint white mocha with whipped cream. “� ese are great because they can be made year round.” Not everyone is in favor of such co� ee services. Pe-ter Brumlik, instructor of history, said he is trying to “seek out some sort of activ-ism on the part of my stu-

dents” by questioning the high prices at DazBog on campus. “I believe that it is time for students at UCCS to get a break,”he stated in an email interview. “Tu-ition has risen, parking fees have risen, gas prices have risen. � e economy is in distress. Students at UCCS are a captive population to vendor who provide ser-vices on campus. I believe that DazBog should lower their prices.” Brumlik also articulated that students who are on campus have li� le time between classes to leave campus and “protect their economic interests by shopping around.” Student Jacqueline Bell pleaded guilty. Bell said she prefers DazBog for lo-cation reasons. It is easier, she said, to obtain the cof-fee once on campus as it is conveniently inside the building where she spends most of her time. “As a psychology major, I live in Columbine Hall [so] the only co� ee selection I have is in Columbine.” As to which co� ee suits his fancy, Brumlik said, “I would rather drink co� ee from the least expensive vendor. With my old taste buds, co� ee is co� ee.” Whatever hot beverage one prefers, the campus has a fair variety to o� er. ◆

Compare the differences:

in a Facebook message to its supporters and would-be sta� . � e show, accord-ing to Cillo, will consist of “an opening, several short skits, and a closing. � e skits can be school related, comedic, [or] dramatic,” so long as they abide by FCC regulations — roughly PG-13 at most. � e group is also look-ing for actors and students with technical experience related to � lm or televi-sion. UCCS LIVE! will be entirely student-run, from camera operators and light board operators to the ac-tors and writers who pro-duce the content for the show. Experience is pre-ferred both for actors and technical crew, but those without experience who would like to learn about TV production are encour-aged to join as well. UCCS LIVE! a� ords interested students oppor-tunities that may not have existed in the past. For students who have ever wanted to try their hand at � lm acting or television

production, UCCS LIVE! perhaps o� ers a � rst step in the right direction. Details on when produc-tion will begin and the � rst show will air are still forth-coming, but as soon as the group has enough content, UCCS LIVE! will get o� the ground and into a TV set near you. � e group’s founders have yet to announce when the � rst show will air, though it will be played on Com-cast cable programming in the Colorado Springs area. Students interested in hav-ing their work produced can email skits to Angie Cillo at [email protected] or Karl Brevik at [email protected]. Skits and scripts should be between 5 to 10 minutes long. Further information can be found on the group’s Facebook page by search-ing for “UCCS LIVE!” and joining the group. Hard copies can be brought to Media Services behind the IT Help Desk in the Uni-versity Center beneath the library. ◆

opinion6September 17 to September 23, 2009

� e 9/12 Project: Shoot out or make out session?

Proving that television personalities shouldn’t necessarily have personal-ity disorders, Glenn Beck celebrated the culmina-tion of his “9/12 Project” this week. Unveiled dur-ing one of Beck’s infa-mously weepy episodes of Fox News Channel’s “� e Glenn Beck Program” 6 months ago, the 9/12

Befriending professors on Facebook: Rules of the game

When I think about how everyone has some social networking pro� le, it can be sort of overwhelming. � e other day my sister was babbling about a new social network for corpo-rate professionals (she’s a UCCS alumni and a total corporate sellout), but the thing that ba� ed me was that she is friends with our mother and father on this network. If my mother joins MySpace or Face-book or (Ashton Kutcher –forbid) starts tweeting, I will know that the time has come for me to move to a co-op somewhere near Manitou and start living “o� the grid.” Honestly, there are some things that we enjoy post-ing on Facebook that cer-tain people don’t need to

know about. � e “Guilty Pleasures Top Five List” that I did last week is a per-fect example. I’m sure all my friends got a kick out of that big joke because they know I really do lounge in bed wearing lingerie while snacking on Godiva Truf-� es and watching “Gossip Girl” and simultaneously reading US Weekly—they must be proud to think of how far I’ve come from wearing footie pajamas and eating Hershey bars, all while watching “Mel-rose Place” and reading � e National Enquirer with my mom and sister (twisted minds come from twisted beginnings). But I wouldn’t want one of my professors knowing this about me (oh hell, now I’m hoping none of my professors read my column). I was wondering how common it is for a profes-sor to feel the need to say, “Yes, I have Facebook … and no I will not be friends with any current students.” I’ve heard this at least once this semester, and it might have been said more than once, but I was just too busy texting to care (I’m a senior, and I’ve always done exactly what I want). I also know that a lot of my

professors, current and for-mer, are on Facebook (and I think everyone has a right to be). However, in thinking about how deeply social networking has saturated our everyday lives, I came to the conclusion that there are some people involved in our everyday lives with whom we do not need to be connected via a social network. A really short list would start with your doctor, and end with your professor (the dry cleaner and gar-dener would be in there somewhere). A general good rule of thumb: If you pay a person for a service, then you don’t need to be friends on a social network. Like it or not, here in col-lege, we do personally pay for our professors to teach us, but there has to be an exception to this rule … A social network can be an easy way to com-municate with a professor, right? � at could be a good excuse to become friends with one. But really, I have to say that Facebook messaging your professor about something having to do with class (maybe even something as innocent as why you missed class yes-

Erica [email protected]

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Byron [email protected]

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Project was conceived in the spirit of collaboration among Americans follow-ing the terrorist a� acks of Sept. 11, 2001. On Sept. 12, protestors gathered around the coun-try at Tea Parties to air their grievances with the Obama administration. I know, nothing signi� es national unity like armed protests, and the amount of tea that these folks waste is frightful. � ere’s a troubling dis-crepancy between Beck’s rhetoric vis a vis the pur-ported unity among Amer-ica’s political factions in the nationwide post-traumatic stress of September 11, 2001, and what the people gathered at these 9/12 Tea Parties actually represent. Entreaties for bi-partisan harmony from one of the

most divisive media � gures currently befouling the air-waves are as arbitrary as they are disingenuous. Es-pecially when considering the fact that the activists at these events carry guns and blithely hint at civil war, and militia recruiters roam the crowd trolling for new members. I support anyone’s right to protest, and it’s un-derstandable that dissent would emerge from those voters who lie outside the current administration’s demographic. However, I think that comparisons between the anti-war pro-testors of the Bush era and the tea party patriots are fallacious, mostly because the tea party patriots car-ry assault ri� es. A project pink demonstrator might subject you to an unwilling

make-out session, but a tea party patriot might shoot you, which is far more un-pleasant. Honestly though, what else brings Americans together like an AK-47? Again, protest and media scrutiny are respected in-stitutions in the United States, but the tea party pa-triots don’t share the same sense of purpose as the anti-war activists. A� er all, the country went to war, much to their chagrin. Many of the issues that the tea partyers are rally-ing around most ardently are bogeymen. For in-stance, the notorious (and � ctional) “Death Panels” were never included in the end-of-life care provisions of health care reform, not to mention they’ve since been struck from the leg-

islation, but somehow the Red threat still lurks around every corner. Seriously, until these folks actually read the Communist Manifesto and understand it, they’re not allowed to call anyone a “socialist.” Furthermore, I don’t sub-scribe to the supposition that America should revert to a 9/12 mentality. 9/12 was terrifying, and the unity Glenn Beck seems to think all Americans shared was really a collective paranoia. Said paranoia fa-cilitated the complacency among the dissenting voic-es America missed so sore-ly when the Bush adminis-tration � nagled the Patriot Act into law, deceived the country about the Iraq War and granted the CIA carte blanche to kidnap and tor-

ture our enemies, using the same tactics that earned Japanese interrogators the death penalty in the a� er-math of World War 2. We hadn’t all assembled po-litically in the wake of the a� acks; we let the Bush administration impose its will on US international policy amid relative silence from those with legitimate concerns. Now, I waved at � re� ght-ers and kept my criticisms to myself like everyone did a� er 9/11, and I’m not crit-icizing the heroic e� orts of the people whose altruism was motivated by a na-tional tragedy. I just think it’s a shame that the senti-ments in question were so heinously exploited, � rst by the Bush Administra-tion and now by the ilk of Glenn Beck. ◆

terday) is not professional. Okay, Baron tried to pull this and I said, “Really!? Just use the old fashion email account that the uni-versity set up for us — I highly doubt the professor checks his Facebook every day.” Furthermore, when think-ing back on all the profes-sors who have been paid to teach me, I can really only think of three whom I have

actually shared an amusing conversation with outside of class. Oddly enough, all three of these profes-sors teach in my personal favorite area of study and I would have absolutely no qualms about going to any of them for a le� er of rec-ommendation for a gradu-ate program. If you can’t say the same about your professor, then you don’t need to be friends with

him or her on Facebook. � ere are some things your professors don’t need to know about you, and I think you’d be pre� y sur-prised to imagine there are some things you don’t need to know about your professors — like what his or her favorite music is. (What if it’s Godsmack or ICP? � at could be totally awkward in the most amus-ing way). ◆

opinion 7September 17 to September 23, 2009

Robbing Hood and the dwarves

Today, boys and girls, we will be taking a li� le quiz to see how many of President Barack Hussein Obama’s (oh, I’m sorry, forgot we’re not allowed to use his middle name)…Ahem, President Barack Hussein Obama’s dwarves or advi-sors you can name. Which dwarf said the following? “Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath too seriously, as an impera-tive to do everything for the patient regardless of the cost or e� ects on oth-ers.” Which dwarf would that be? None other than Obama’s current health-policy adviser, Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel.

Anyone know which dwarf seems to have an un-fortunate issue with words? On Aug. 23, this dwarf, almost like Dopey, called Obama “Barack America.” Later he referred to Palin as the “lieutenant governor of Alaska.” On June 2006, Dopey commented, “You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian ac-cent. I’m not joking.” And last but not least in January 2007 he commented of his running mate, “I mean, you got the � rst mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” Dopey said. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” And who is Dopey? 10 pts if you guessed Joe Biden. � e third dwarf, Sleepy, seems to be su� ering from amnesia. Sleepy claimed to know nothing of “advanced interrogation techniques.” � en the CIA came out telling America that Sleepy was fully informed on all interrogation techniques such as water boarding. Anybody guess Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the

House? Which self-proclaimed communist ex-dwarf spent some time in a music stu-dio? He and others (such as cop killer Mumia abu-Jamal) conglomerated to come up with an album by the name of War Times. One line from the album states, “� e United States; a piece of stolen land led by right-wing, war-hungry, oil thirsty… � e true terror-ists are made in the U.S.” Can anybody guess this sleazy dwarf ’s name? � e answer is…Obama’s ex-Green czar, Van Jones. � e � � h dwarf, Happy, manages to keep this sort of perennial plastic smile on his face against all odds. When Obama called Cam-bridge police department “stupid,” or when Happy was asked if the resigna-tion of Van Jones was seen by Obama as a necessary move, Happy just smiled big and went on to say how great the president is (…wait, I think I missed a step.) Happy doesn’t listen to the question asked, he just waits for a break, any break, to praise Obama.

Veronica [email protected]

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Columns are not easy to write

Greg [email protected]

BY:

� is column may or may not be published and read by you within two days of it being wri� en. � is al-lows me to be relatively topical—the things that are relevant as I write it will still be at least vaguely rele-vant when you read it. � is allows me a lot of options. ACORN and their pimp-ing. Patrick Swayze kicking the bucket. Kanye West making a fool of himself and President Obama call-ing him a “jackass” o� the record, which still wound up being reported. � e op-tions splay themselves out like a glorious rainbow of things to whine and moan about. It is 3:21 in the morn-ing on Sept. 15, and I have writer’s block. What can I possibly say about Kanye West that hasn’t already been said by Kanye West? How much more can I blur my politics by assault-ing ACORN or yelling at whichever inept, impotent political party you feel like assigning those words to? I was two years old when “Dirty Dancing” was re-leased—how many of you really know a damn thing about Swayze aside from occasional references to “Ghost?” I have a glut of options and none of them are even remotely worth writing about. In a few days, pro-fessional journalists will have beaten all of these topics into the mud in ways more sophisticated and superior to my own. So what to do? Write about college? I could talk about how Facebook is killing our privacy and we’re gid-dily allowing it to—like every other college colum-nist has done at one point

or another. I could talk about that obnoxious kid in my chemistry class who plays know-it-all and asks esoteric questions to show o� despite the fact that I haven’t taken chemistry since I was a junior in high school eight years ago and I could still answer his ques-tions. I could subtly profess my love for the cute girl in my American Lit class in subtle, wink-and-nudge fashion and hope that des-perate, thinly-veiled pleas in a public forum might get her to occasionally make eye contact with me. But that would all just be rehashing old territory, of course. I have fallen in love with a cute girl in my American Lit class every time I’ve taken American Lit (this being the third, as if my work ethic needed further bruising) and ev-ery class has that jerk that won’t shut up. What can I possibly make more hilari-ously pathetic or frustrat-ing, respectively, about situations we all inevitably share that are intrinsically, hilariously pathetic or frus-trating? I could bemoan the fact that so few students see � eatreworks and � eatre ‘d Art plays despite the fact that both are on campus and free for students, but that’s blatant pandering for organizations and institu-tions I appreciate. Can I be so bold as to mask my in-ability to create anything original with blatant plugs for shows such as “� e Il-lusion,” which runs this weekend and the next at 8 p.m. in the Osborne Studio � eatre at University Hall, which is free for UCCS students with a valid stu-dent ID, starring yours truly? � at would seem a bit uncouth, right? It makes sense to assume that these questions are rhetorical. � ey are not. You are our readers and we are here to serve you. So tell me, gentle reader, what should I be writing about? What sorts of things have been le� unexplored, le� to languish in neglected obscurity, untouched by the prying eyes of college campus columnists? ◆

Anybody guess White House Press Secretary Robert L. Gibbs? If so, give yourself another 10pts. � e head honcho of these dwarfs is a tall man, though sometimes that’s a characteristic that’s hard to see when he is bowing to Muslim dictators. As in the fairy tale of Robin Hood, Robbing Obama seems set on “spreading the wealth.” Unfortunately, this favor-able distribution to only those people he likes. Right a� er he told us he had vis-ited 57 states he said, “I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” � is is pre� y much the same way bank robbers justify their ac-tions. � ey never consider that what they steal might be purposed to help others by its rightful owners. If you got between 20 to 50 points…Wow, you know more about Obama’s Advisors than most Ameri-cans. But if you got between 0 to 10 points, don’t feel bad: You’re just another victim of the le� ist, biased media. ◆

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Colorado has a reputation for its micro-brews and home breweries. In 2003, the Brewers Association, an organization for and by so-called craft brewers, found that Colo-rado has between 15 and 20 craft breweries per million people—signifi cantly above the national average. Beer is surprisingly easy to create but diffi cult to truly perfect, but that doesn’t dissuade thousands of beer enthusi-asts from giving it their best shot every year. UCCS graduate student Eric Fries is one such enthusiast and spoke to The Scribe about his experience as a brewer. “I have found homebrewing to be very rewarding in a variety of ways,” Fries said. “It allows one to have quality beer at a frac-tion of the cost of store-bought. On aver-age, ingredients for a 5-gallon batch (equal to about 53 beers, give or take a couple for testing) cost between $25 and $40.” Though that price range will buy 30 to 60 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, the quality of home-brewed beer tends to be a bit higher than “a watery beverage called Keystone Light” at a similar price, according to Fries. Furthermore, home brewing brings a craftman’s pride that one is unlikely to fi nd in a liquor store or bar. “It is a hobby, a cu-linary passion. During the fi rst batch alone, one gains immense knowledge of the his-

Home Brewing: Art You Can Drink

tory of brewing, the ingredients, and the pro-cesses,” Fries explains. “One of the best feel-ings I have ever experienced is taking the fi rst sip of the fi rst beer from a batch, detecting all of the fl avors and aromas that I personally in-troduced by hand, and taking pride in the fact that I created a work of art.” Brewing beer may not seem like an art to some, but myriad festivals and competitions that feature home brews focus on brewing as seriously as “Iron Chef” focuses on cuisine or an art critic might scrutinize a gallery open-ing. Furthermore, a culture has developed among home brewers. “If one were to join a homebrewers association, in many cases it will lead to discounts and microbreweries, tips and tricks, and just great conversation with like-minded people,” Fries explains. Home brewing kits generally run in the $30-60 range depending on quality of materi-als that come with the kit. The cost of supplies beyond that varies with quality and quantity. However, Fries feels he’s gotten the most out of his investment. “The preliminary cost for all the equipment was well worth it, and I plan to expand upon my current brewing endeavors by investing in kegging systems, learning new recipes, and simply putting my feet up with a cold home brew in hand.”

A Tour of BrewsDISCLAIMER:

(yes, we have a lot of these) The Scribe does not promote underage drinking. All writers are of age.

The Scribe presents a tour of some excellent breweries found in Colorado Springs. For those of you without a car, or a license reading “DOB: 09-17-1988” or earlier, turn to The Paradox. There’s something for you there... probably.

Bristol Brewing Company

1647 South TejonColorado Springs, Colorado 80906(719) 633 - 2555

Trinity Brewing Company

1466 Garden of the Gods RdColorado Springs, CO 80907-9463(719) 634 - 0029

OG (Original Gravity): Original density of the sugar in the mixture. Measured with a hydrometer.

FG (Final Gravity): Density after the yeast has feasted on the sugars. The higher the FG, the sweeter the fi nish.

ABV (Alcohol By Volume): OG – FG =ABV

Yeast: Hundreds of different types. Produce alcohol and CO2 after metabolizing sugars.

IBU (International Bittering Units): Degree to which the beer is hopped.

Malt: Barley soaked and roasted barley. Hundreds of types.

Special Ingredients: Anything the brewer desires. e.g. Belgian wits have orange peels.

Beer 101

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Phantom Canyon Brewing Company

2 E Pikes Peak AveColorado Springs, CO 80903-1504(719) 635-2800

Greg Reilly ([email protected])

Lauren Mueller ([email protected])

One-year-old Trinity Brewing Company on Garden of the Gods Road brews one of a kind beer and provides local tastes for the commu-nity. “Trinity is based on people, planet and profi t. And in that order,” said Hilary Anton-Stang a graduate student from UCCS who works as a waitress at Trinity, “We’re aimed at bringing better beers to people. We see beer as a craft.” Trinity usually has six homebrews on tap that range from a dark chocolaty stout called Awaken to an IPA called Flo. Flo and Awaken are also available on Nitro which is a different type of tap. It creates smaller bubbles and a smoother head or foam on top.

Bristol Brewing on S. Tejon Street has been providing Colorado with sensational beers since 1994. Bristol Brewing Company was started in 1994 by Mike and Amanda Bristol. In 1998 the brewery moved from its original location on Forge Road off of Garden of the Gods Road to its new location at 1647 S. Tejon Street. At the Tejon location, Bristol was able to bottle their brews and begin distributing them throughout the state. Mike and Amanda Bristol are still highly active in the business. Now Bristol is most well-known for their fi ve most popular beers including Laughing Lab, Red Rocket, Beehive, Mass Transit and Winter Warlock. “Laughing Lab has a small character and a smooth fi nish. It is what we call a session

Bristol Brewing Company

Trinity Brewing Company

beer,” said Tad Davis, a Bristol employee. Laugh-ing Lab, Bristol’s most popular seller, accounts for 50 percent of their business. Bristol has also brewed and distributed all of Il Vicino’s beers for about fi ve or six years, said Davis. Il Vicino and the Black Fox label are the only other beers produced and bottled at Bris-tol’s brewery, however, Bristol does distribute a few of Boulder’s beers like Hazed and Infused and Buffalo Gold. Bristol’s beers can only be found in Colorado. The Tejon location distributes to four counties, and another location in Denver handles the rest of the state’s distribution. Bristol is also involved in community charities. Bristol created four community ales, the profi ts of which are donated. The donations average $10-$15 thousand. First, they have Smokebrush

Phantom Canyon Brewing Company has been serving handcrafted beer to the Colorado Springs community since its inception in 1993 as Colorado’s second brewpub. Phantom takes pride in its beer, which is produced in-house and only served to restau-rant patrons (although growlers and kegs are available for purchase), according to Manager Tom Lamb. Also sold at its location at the cor-ner of Cascade and Pikes Peak, is a variety of lunch and dinner items, a fairly extensive wine list and an assortment of scotches. Phantom’s beer menu, which Lamb writes up himself, includes six beers served year round, including among those on the list are a light Queen’s Blond Ale, an I.P.A. and a porter. The brewery also offers 8 – 10 seasonal beers, including, the current Downtown Brown, De-molition Cream Ale and Ginger Wheat. For the less adventurous, the brewery also serves a few bottled beers, as well as a non-alcoholic

Porter which is currently having a label con-test for local artists. Bristol also supports The Friends of Cheyenne Cañon, the Firefi ghter Foundation and Venetucci Farm. Bristol’s relationship with Venetucci farm goes beyond the community ale and gives back to the environment. Davis said, “Bris-tol takes 2 thousand pounds of wet grain to Venetucci Farm.” At Venetucci, they use the waste as fertilizer; in turn, Venetucci grows pumpkins for Bristol’s pumpkin ale. Beyond fertilizer, Bristol also recycles their water used in bottling. They will also give customers 10 cents if they bring back a cardboard six-pack carrier. “We use bio-diesel on our delivery trucks,” said Davis. Most importantly Davis added, “It’s know-ing where your resources are.”

Along with their own brews, Trinity Brew-ing Company provides a wide array of guest beers. There are 27 different microbrews on tap, 14 of which are from Colorado. This wide variety has something for every type of beer drinker. Uniquely, Trinity brews vegetarian beers, said Anton-Stang. Most other beers are not vegetarian because fi sh oil is used to line the tanks. Anton-Stang assures that the fryers are strictly vegetarian too. Trinity makes beer strictly for their restaurant patrons, and do not distribute like Bristol and Il Vicino. Their restaurant is aimed at creating a place to hang out, said Anton-Stang. “We have live music opportunities,” she said. The

bar is set up more like a pub than a brewery, but patrons can still see the barrels of yeast, hops and malt brewing through the glass. Trinitiy’s restaurant philosophy is based on protecting the environment by practic-ing sustainability. They demonstrate their philosophy by buying the majority of their products locally. Even some of the beer in-gredients are local. Like Bristol Brewing, Trinity is also in-volved in the community and the family. Trinity donates a lot of time to community outreach, said Anton-Stang. Trinity also en-courages human-powered transportation: When customers ride a bike or walk there, they receive a 10 percent discount.

Phantom Canyon Brewing Company

brew for those so inclined. The brewpub’s building has a nearly 110-year history, explained Lamb, and ac-cording to the website was the fi rst down-town building to be placed on the National Register of Historic Places. Built in 1901 as an offi ce building for the Chicago Rock Is-land and Pacifi c Railroad company, it was converted to the Cheyenne Hotel in 1909, and later used as a drug store and possibly a brothel, Lamb said. In the early 90s, the building stood va-cated, awaiting demolition and conversion to a parking lot. However, the day before the demolition, Wynkoop Holdings, Inc. bought the building, and in 1993 turned it into Colorado’s second brewpub. The establishment helped the down-trodden downtown business climate turn around, according to Lamb. “We’re pretty much credited with revitalizing the down-

town Colorado Springs area,” he said. Today, the brewery itself is alive and well, with a restaurant-type, quieter atmosphere on the fi rst fl oor, a billiards hall featuring big-screen TVs on the second fl oor and a banquet hall suitable for business and pri-vate gatherings on the third fl oor. Like many local breweries, Phantom tries to give back to the local community and the environment, buying as many in-gredients as possible from local sources and taking its used grain to local farmers for feeding purposes. As testament to Phantom’s success, Lamb explained that during its 15 year his-tory, the brewpub has served over 8 million of its own beers to the town’s most ardent beer lovers – making the brewpub a local legend and a historical landmark in itself.


Tim Canon ([email protected])


M

ollic

a’s It

alian Market and Deli

culture10September 17 to September 23, 2009

� e � rst thing I noticed about “� e Illusion” was its hauntingly familiar score, which proceeded from curtain rise to cur-tain fall to dust at the dark, far-removed corners of my memory in a bothersome way throughout the dura-tion of the play. I still have not a clue as to what subtle bars accentu-ated that performance. But I think, perhaps, that this was the only thing present by which to be bothered. All other parts of “� e Il-lusion” were either hand-somely profound or blund-eringly endearing. “� e Illusion” went through a series of versions to stand on the simple, black-box stage of the Os-borne � eatre, home of the � eatre ‘D Art production company: � rst, Pierre Cor-neille’s 17th century origi-nal, a comedy entitled “L’ Illusion Comique;” then through the vigorous “free adaptation” by Tony Kush-ner in the ‘90s. � e story revolves around the quest of old lawyer Pridamant to � nd his long-estranged son. Pridamant, desperate for any news of his prodigal, pleads the aid of the magi-cian Alcandre. In answer to Pridamant’s entreaties, Al-candre grants the old man a trio of visions from his son’s life – ranging from the obsessions of young lovers, to love spurned and rivals

Review: Truth of the Stage: “� e Illusion” kicks o� � eatre ‘d Art’s 2009-10 season

bested, to sordid a� airs, ex-ecution and murder. Pridamant is alter-nately enraptured and disenchanted by his son’s eventful wanderings. � e trouble, though, is this: In each of the three visions, the scene has changed, as have characters’ names, roles and relationships to one another. Pridamant is as hard-pressed as the au-dience to keep straight the shi� ing parts and titles, and throughout the aged magi-cian seems to be cloaking some pivotal piece of miss-ing information, some key to the enigmatic story. But let not the play’s apparently simple story shroud its complex motifs. In this production, it is not so much what occurs or even what is said on stage that ma� ers – it is what the viewer takes away from it. � is play debuts � e-atre ‘d Art’s “Season of Il-lusions,” aptly named, for “� e Illusion” is the � rst of four plays that will con-front the di� erence, if there is one, between what is real and what is false. Such themes present in “� e Illusion” leave much room for private thought and privately drawn con-clusion. In the end, noth-ing is de� nitively answered. Rampant with shameless deus ex machina, smat-terings of comedic pan-dering, skillfully cra� ed innuendos, enduring al-legories and predictable, if still believable, character development, the play is no struggle to enjoy. To understand, how-

ever, is another ma� er, and one to which I do not quite feel I have dedicated adequate rumination. � e story presents the magi-cian Alcandre and the callous father Pridamant as two stages of the same person; and in doing that, along with other things, it drags the viewers face to ugly face with what reality and love really mean – and considering the incredibly intimate space allowed by the Osborne, it drags them all there together. Director, UCCS alumni and � eatre ‘d Art co-founder Jon Margheim perhaps says it best: “Just because the things you see [on stage] aren’t real, does that lessen the emotional impact [they] can have? Does that cheapen the way love can be an all-encom-passing thing?” � e lingering philosophy of the play can be heavy, but that burden is peri-odically lightened by mo-ments of well-constructed humor. From tongue-in-cheek exchanges to hammy fools and topped o� with ad-libbed expletives, most scenes provide the audi-ence with at least one occa-sion to laugh. Even the few moments of tripped-up dialogue or ba� le debacles can be found delightful to the right frame of mind. � ough I have yet to learn the purpose of the play’s 8-word epilogue, “� e Illusion” was a highly enjoyable performance, and a debut that sets a high standard for the coming season at � eatre ‘d Art. ◆

Good Italian food is sim-ple. Pasta, bread, olives and cured meats and cheeses are the traditional ingre-dients, while the tomato from America was a wel-come addition. Many res-taurants follow old world traditions, but others trace roots that evolved in places like New York City. Mollica’s, located just down the hill from UCCS on Garden of the Gods Road, is one of those New York Italian experiences, where mother-and-son team of Toni and Jerry Mollic draw from Toni’s father’s recipes, and tradi-tional high quality ingre-dients, to create an impres-sive New York style deli. I love going out to lunch. � e best deals, freshest food and fastest service are usually to be had. I also al-ways liked working lunch in restaurants because ‘the rush’ goes by quickly and a good lunch crowd can be the lifeblood of a restau-rant. Lunch at Mollica’s is al-ways busy. � ere will be a line out the door but don’t be discouraged because they are good at moving quickly. Order at the coun-ter from the menus on the wall, � nd a seat, choose a drink and look around a li� le. Squeaky clean win-

dows surround the deli case and dining area creat-ing a light and lively atmo-sphere that is completely unpretentious. � ey stock specialty Italian dry goods, homemade sausage, pasta and sauces, and an impres-sive collection of meats, cheeses and olives that seem to have been some-how ferreted from the streets of New York City. � e menu is extensive and contains all of the clas-sics expected from a New York-Italian deli. Most sandwiches cost $7 to $8 and the combination of high quality ingredients, plentiful size and fast and friendly service will get you back up the hill full and in time for class, with le� overs and some change. Topping the restaurant’s list of hot sandwiches are the Grinder and the Bravo, both made from their sig-nature homemade Italian sausage. � e Grinder has links of sausage with pro-volone, roasted peppers and marinara, while the Bravo has sausage pa� ies, provolone, roasted pep-pers, mayonnaise, le� uce and marinara on the side. I always get the Bravo be-cause the mayo and le� uce combine to create a crispy and creamy concoction that is pleasing to the pal-ate. Rounding out the list of hot sandwiches are the Hot Italian Beef and Hot Pastrami, both made from

premium meats sliced on the well-used slicer si� ing nice and clean behind the counter. Mollica’s uses special recipe Italian rolls made daily just down the alley at La Bage� e which are somehow dense, so� and chewy at the same time and hold up well to the seasoned au jus. Also, watch for the pizza specials - $10, huge, and including a dinner salad or cup of soup that are perfect to share. Many people prefer the cold sandwiches and salads which are expertly made by longtime employee Kenny right behind the counter. My favorite is the Dutch Lunch, which in-cludes genoa salami, capi-cola (a spicy Italian ham), pepperoni and provolone, all artfully arranged on the plate and topped with giant house-seasoned Si-cilian olives and pepper-oncinis and surrounded by mayo, the good Dijon mustard, le� uce, tomato and a sliced Italian roll. � is lunch is fun to look at, fun to eat and truly “old school.” If salads are your thing, Mollica’s has some-thing for you: Choose be-tween the small or large, actually large or gigantic sizes of Italian, chef, veggie or Mom’s pasta salads. Hidden amongst the suburban sprawl that is the Garden of the Gods corri-dor, Mollica’s Italian Mar-ket and Deli is a � nd that’s worth the hunt. ◆

Mollica’s

Price: $ inexpensive $$$ expensive

$

985-A Garden of the Gods RoadColorado Springs, 80907(719) 598-1088www.mollicas.com

Avalon [email protected]

BY:

Brock [email protected]

BY:

� eatre ‘d Art’s “� e Illusion,” directed by Jon Margheim (Sept. 11 to 27)At the Osborne � eatre (3955 Cragwood Drive, on the lower � oor of University Hall)

$10 general admission$5 for students with valid IDFree for UCCS students

Visit theatredart.org or call (719) 357-8321 for more information or to reserve seats

Photo courtesy of Ariel La� imore

M

ollic

a’s It

alian Market and Deli

culture 11September 17 to September 23, 2009

Upcoming tunes to rock your semester

Shopping in Colorado Springs can seem like a daunting and fruitless pros-pect. Our city’s two malls have essentially the same stores and the ever-in-creasing numbers of empty store fronts confront the lackadaisical consumer ca-sualties of the nation’s eco-nomic collapse. � e enduring local cloth-ing emporium in Colorado Springs is Lorig’s Western Wear. � at’s right folks, Lorig’s: Out� � ing the hay-seeds that make me embar-rassed to be a native for 75 years. What’s a fashion-forward UCCS student to do? Fortunately, I’ve pro� led

Shopping for clothing locally in the Springstwo of our fair city’s best boutiques, appealing to the budget-conscious as well as the image-conscious. Idorü: 218 N. Tejon, #100, 80903 Idorü debuted in down-town Colorado Springs in 2002. Since then, the bou-tique has de� ned itself as one of the few sources for haute couture available in the sleepy aggregate of ex-urbs we call our home city. � e sta� treats Idorü’s customers with the char-acteristic aloofness of high-end fashion outlets and tends only to materi-alize when it’s clear a sale is at stake. Once you have their a� ention, however, the employees are quite knowledgeable about the designs on the shelf and seem genuinely interested in making you look good. � ey won’t, for example,

cajole buyers into purchas-ing a pair of designer jeans that clearly don’t � t. Idorü has cornered a niche market here in Colo-rado Springs and accord-ingly, the clothes they carry can be prohibitively expen-sive. If $60 seems like too much to part with for a pair of jeans, don’t even bother to walk into Idorü, where premium denim brands like True Religion, AG, Diesel and 7 For All Man-kind are sold for upwards of $100 for a pair. � at’s a lot of money, but if one is so inclined, these brands are among the best-made and most durable money (I know, a lot of money) can buy. � e store also fo-cuses on modern fashions and innovative design-ers, which were hitherto only available in Denver malls. Idorü carries men’s

Victoria Beckham, or Posh Spice to those of us who grew up during the 90s, recently proved the power of the almighty Hollywood gossip mill. A� er Posh sti� ed a waiter at a Medieval Times in SoCal, the incident was quickly reported to TMZ.com, where Posh was bashed for her stingy ways. � e website reported the slight, and two days later the injustice was quieted with a nice gratuity. � e whole incident only leaves one to wonder if either A) Posh is cheap, B) Posh just forgot to leave a tip, or C) Posh is so terri� ed that people will think she’s cheap that she’s willing to pay hush money to the service in the form of a fat tip. Either way, the waiter at Medieval Times must really like his job right about now. Ellen DeGeneres obviously loves her new job as one of the judges for “American Idol,” especially considering she had to interview Simon Cowell to get in there. � e displaced Paula Abdul is releasing statements instead of jumping for joy. Paula was quoted as having said, “El-len DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck.” It’s interesting she chose the phrases “in her own right” and “only the best of luck;” the word choices of a woman scorned are always so tell-tale. Speaking of tell-tale, MySpace personality and real-ity TV star Tila Tequila is telling a California D.A. the tale of being “choked and physically restrained” by San Diego Chargers footballer Shawne Merriman. Merri-man seems to be telling a di� erent tale, which involves a drunken Tequila being “encourage[d to stay until safe transportation could be provided.” Whether or not the D.A. will � le charges is still undetermined, but either way, Merriman’s shot at love has ended. ◆

[email protected]

With the semester un-der way, being avant garde in the music scene can be di� cult. � ere are quizzes, tests, readings and squeez-ing in what li� le free time you have to dilly-dally with friends. � e Scribe has decided to do some of the hard work for you: this way, you can keep your head while maintaining the cool. Hip Hop/Rap – Charles Hamilton’s � is Perfect Life. Demevolist/Inter-scope Records. Release date: TBA. You probably haven’t heard of anything from Charles Hamilton, but you will within the next year. Best known for his beef with Soulja Boy, Hamilton is unlike the typical ba� le rapper: he wears pink t-shirts, � aunts his obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog, and promotes brains over brawn. If you’ve grown weary of the same old club bangers that’ve cycled end-lessly on the radio’s rota-tion, this debut may be for you. Country – Ricky Sk-aggs’s Ricky Skaggs Solo: Songs My Dad Loved. Sk-

aggs Family Records. Re-lease dat: Sept. 15 Ricky Skaggs is a vet-eran of country music. Beginning as a bluegrass musician in the 70s, then returning to bluegrass in the 90s with his band Ken-tucky � under, Skaggs demonstrates that home-grown, American roots music is alive and well. On Songs My Dad Loved, Skaggs takes the purity of his music one step further: all vocals and music were performed entirely by him. At a time when country’s been wrought with studio tricks and novel guest per-formances, Songs My Dad Loved will be a breath of fresh air. Rock – Pearl Jam’s Backspacer. Self-released. Release date: Sept. 20 Pearl Jam’s come a long way from their grunge roots. Constantly evolv-ing over time, Backspacer draws its in� uences from a style very unlike Pearl Jam: New Wave. For you youngsters, New Wave was a genre popular in the 80s, characterized by airy melo-dies, electro sounds with heavy reverb, and men in mascara. Regardless of how their new sound fares, it should be an interesting listen. Pop – Mariah Carey’s

Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. Island Records. Re-lease date: Sept. 25 Despite the ups and downs, Mariah Carey is still in the charts, and she’s still topping them. Mem-oirs will include samples from � e Notorious B.I.G., Cyndi Lauper, and – oddly enough – Foreigner. Her fourteenth album will also feature the single “Ob-sessed,” an uno� cial diss at rapper and industry rival Eminem. Indie – � e Raveo-ne� es’ In & Out of Con-trol. Vice Records. Release date: Oct. 6 Combining mod rock from the 50s with gri� y garage guitars and haunt-ing electronic e� ects, the Danish duo � e Raveo-ne� es return for their fourth studio album. Wag-ner and Foo are known for singing simultaneously on their tracks, blending vocals both masculine and feminine into a deli-cious mix. For those who were hooked on their last album, Lust Lust Lust, this album is expected to carry on their retro reimaging. Electronica/Dance – Dirty Vegas’ Change is Now. EMI Records. Re-lease date: TBA Dirty Vegas’s � rst single, “Days Go By,” was made

popular by a Mitsubishi car commercial and won them a Grammy. � en, with the release of their second album in 2004, One, they were lambasted by critics, going into hid-ing and eventually break-ing up. A� er taking an extended vacation, the British pair-ing will be back in the stu-dio grindin’ full-thro� le with Change. Electronica enthusiasts, keep your � n-gers crossed, as this one is expected to return to their signature smooth-yet-danceable beats. Emo – Paramore’s brand new eyes. Fueled by Ramen Records. Release date: Sept. 29 Hailing from Tennes-see, one of the last places most would think a big, popular emo band would call home, Paramore has enchanted the ears and hearts of countless youth since it got started in 2004. Despite being featured twice on the insanely suc-cessful � lm “Twilight,” the band members intend to keep rolling out new music, showing no signs of stopping. � eir third album will be produced by Rob Cavallo, the same man behind such acts as Green Day and My Chem-ical Romance. ◆

Erica Doudna

and women’s clothes, and smart shoppers can always � nd reasonable deals on their sales racks. Idorü has expanded its website to include online shopping, but admi� edly part of the appeal of buy-ing clothes here is carry-ing their trendy shopping bags around with you and feeling like one of the cool kids. � e Leechpit: 708 N. Weber Street, 80903 � e Leechpit opened its doors � ve years ago and quickly assumed its role as the de facto out� � er of Colorado Springs’ scene kids - you know, the gaunt, laconic emo kids who con-gregate around Boulder Street Co� ee Roasters, who bum cigare� es from passersby and prevent me from ever ge� ing co� ee there? Yeah, those guys.

Propelled by low over-head and a viral street stick-er marketing campaign, the Leechpit has weathered the current economic storms and has emerged as some-thing of a local landmark. � e Leechpit has even de-veloped a popular punk insignia akin to Ralph Lau-ren’s polo player. Proprietor and the In-dependent local music columnist Adam Leech usually mans the counter at the store’s Weber Street location, which lends the Leechpit a quaint mom-and-pop charm, even if the pop in question is a pierced and ta� ooed rockabilly type who blasts obscure music throughout his store. � e clothes here are in a constant state of � ux, as the majority of the mer-chandise is billed as vin-

tage. “Vintage” in this case means that the items are usually bought second-hand and featured in the store. What the Leechpit does is essentially stream-line the Sisyphean endeav-or of thri� store shopping by � nding the hidden gems thri� ers so o� en seek to no avail and presenting them to shoppers for a slightly higher price. It’s a pre� y brilliant busi-ness model which manages to capitalize on America’s pop-culture nostalgia craze. Admi� edly, I more o� en shop at the Leechpit for its vinyl selection and assorted kitschy curios, but UCCS students can � nd some great styles here (again, it’s inconsistent as the inventory always changes) without going broke or developing an eat-ing disorder. ◆

Byron [email protected]

BY:


BY:

sports12September 17 to September 23, 2009

UCCS Women’s Soccer began their inaugural 2008 year with amazing success. For four games (includ-ing one exhibition) their opponents did not score a goal. Suddenly, success turned to mediocrity when one by one, four of their defensive stars fell to injury. Vulner-able, they found them-selves losing by two, three, and four points. And if they scored, it was not of-ten because they were so overwhelmed with trying to suture their defense. Opposing teams outscored them by 12 points in 2008. � e � rst year of Mountain Lion’s Women’s Soccer went out with a whimper, an end that even the rookie team would not have pre-dicted. � is year, the RMAC ranked them 7th out of 11th in the preseason polls. � e poll is created by RMAC Women’s Soccer coaches voting on where each team will � nish at the end of the season (not including, of course, their own team). � is may sound dismal because it would leave UCCS out of the RMAC Tournament, which takes the top six teams for tour-ney play. � e head coach of the women’s team, Nich-ole Ridenour, doesn’t take o� ense at the prediction:

UCCS Women’s Soccer team poised for second year

“[� e] RMAC prediction is pre� y justi� ed by the scores. We could have been a li� le higher but we are pre� y pleased about being seventh out of 11th for a second year program.” She also believes that the soccer team’s actual � n-ish in 2009 might surprise people. “[We] are playing a very high-paced aggres-sive style,” she said, and this team could “compete with anyone” this year. Ridenour says this po-tential suprise � nish has al-ready been demonstrated by their � rst game, an ex-hibition against Division I Air Force Academy. � e women returned to early 2008 form, holding o� the aggressive Falcons to a dou-ble overtime tie. Air Force had twice as many shots (20 to 10) and UCCS nev-er got a shot on goal. But the game demonstrates that the � rst few games of last year were perhaps not � ukes. UCCS’ defense seems to be a competing force, capable of inching up a spot on the preseason rankings and making the RMAC tournament. “[� is] second year we have more of a true re-cruiting class. It’s more people that � t into what we are trying to be” Ride-nour continued. She men-tioned sophomore transfer Meghan Royer as one of those standout recruits that have already made an im-pact on the team. Coming from a successful season at

Hastings College, in Ne-braska, Royer was second team All-Conference in the Great Plains Athletic Con-ference. While at Liberty High School, Royer was named to � rst-team Class 4A All-Metro League as a senior. As of this release, Royer has one of the team total eight shots on goal. When asked who the team to beat was, Ridenour replied that Metro State, as always, will be the big chal-lenge. � ey have won the RMAC for several years now, and holding tough against such a dominant team would say a lot for the sophomore program. Last year, a� er the in-juries, UCCS lost 0-1 at home and 0-3 in Denver to the conference giants. When the teams meet again Friday, Sept. 25 at 4:30 p.m. here at the Lion’s Den, Metro will likely be prepared for a team that sees three of last year’s de-fensive stars returning. Ridenour is optimistic, even though the challenges ahead could prove trouble-some for the � edging team. “We have a really solid team, the girls we brought in are contributing and coming along nicely. We [again] have a very strong defense a� er last year was plagued with injury. In any case, we will need that defense to stay healthy and consistent to make that RMAC tournament we so very nearly placed into this preseason.” ◆

“Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains,” are the immortal words spoken by Kevin Costner in the clas-sic minor league baseball movie Bull Durham. � e Colorado Springs Sky Sox wished it had continued raining on Labor Day af-ternoon in Tacoma. A rainout would have handed the Sox a division title but the rain stopped, and the Tacoma Rainers took o� . � anks to a seven run outburst in the bo� om of the eighth inning, the Sky Sox missed the Paci� c Coast League playo� s de-spite holding a seven and a half game lead mere weeks ago. � e Sky Sox are the Tri-ple A a� liate, or farm team, of the Colorado Rockies. � ey play at Security Ser-vice Field on the expansive northeast side of Colorado Springs. While playo� baseball might have meant extended prestige and a

Sky Sox Dreams: Why students should watch the minors

paycheck, the real objec-tive of all Sky Sox players and sta� is the be� erment of the Colorado Rockies. Players want to make it to “the show,” and the orga-nization wants to win on the major league level. � e Sky Sox lost so the Rockies could win. Most of the Sky Sox play-ers players are, have been or will be the Rockies stars that shocked the world and played the Red Sox for the world title two years ago. A seat behind home plate costs a paltry $11, general admission is $4 and on Tuesday’s tickets, beers and hot dogs are $2. Notable Sky Sox from this year now playing for the Rockies are Eric Young, Jr., Josh Fogg, Franklin Morales and Ma� Daley. Young, the son of the for-mer Rockies second base-man with the same name, was named PCL Rookie of the Year and has made an immediate impact on the Rockies. Morales and Daley have helped give the Rockies a viable bull pen, something rarely ex-perienced by Rockies fans.

Fogg has turned out to be a favorite among Sky Sox fans this year. Behind Young this year, the core of the Sky Sox unit were the “M and M’s.” Mike McCoy, Ma� Miller and Ma� Murton are all ex-cellent hi� ers that will be wearing purple pinstripes in the developing National League West pennant race. Murton, who hit a stag-gering .324, played a few games for the Rockies ear-lier in the year and probably won’t be back to Colorado Springs next year. Miller, a le� � elder, will be in the mix as a pinch hi� er, and although shortstop Mike McCoy will likely never replace Troy Tulowitzki, he has a bright future as a backup leado� hi� er, base stealer and pinch runner. Students stuck in Colo-rado Springs next summer, who � nd that all of their friends have gone away, or who simply need some-thing cheap to do, can � nd a summer full of inexpen-sive and entertaining activ-ity watching the Sky Sox play at Security Service Field. ◆

Sky Sox Baseball at Security Service Field Brock Kilgore

Patricia [email protected]

BY:

Brock [email protected]

BY:� e women’s soccer team works hard at an early morning practice Kevin Kassem

Sports Buzz: John Madden: No end in sight

sports 13September 17 to September 23, 2009

If you happen to be up during the late hours of the night studying or doing homework and � ip on the television, you may notice there are some very odd yet interesting programs on. � is was the case for me recently as I took a break from my incredibly exciting world of integrals, derivatives and functions. I was � ipping through the channels almost reli-giously and hi� ing all of my favorite stations: VH1,

Spike, MTV, TBS and USA. Nothing promising came up so I diverted to my last resort, ESPN. No ma� er what time it is, day or night, ESPN always has something to o� er late-night viewers. I was hoping to catch “Sports Center” or some tournament action of Texas hold’em, but alas, my late night programming fate was sealed with “Mad-den Nation.” Now, in case you are not familiar with this television program, let me break it down for you with a quick recap. John Madden was a coach and player in the NFL, but is most famous and re-membered for his coach-ing days with the Oakland Raiders. He led them to a 1976 Super Bowl victory and amassed a coaching record of 103-32-7, with a winning percentage of 76.3 which holds as the best of all time.

Prior to retiring in 2009, Madden had great suc-cess as a commentator for NFL games. His familiar voice along with his obvi-ous play-by-play commen-tary made for enjoyment during the Monday Night Football games. Madden holds a record 16 Emmy Awards for Outstanding Sports Analyst/Personal-ity and is the only person ever to serve as sports-an-alyst for all four major net-works (CBS, NBC, ABC and FOX). In 1988, Madden de-cided to endorse his own video game called Madden NFL, which will be head-ing into its twenty-second consecutive season of re-lease. � e game has shared great success over the past two decades and with so many incredible advance-ments in technology, the game is extremely realistic with its visuals, graphics and controls.

In 2005 EA Sports and ESPN Original Entertain-ment made a joint collabo-ration to create a reality show that brought viewers inside the life of Madden gamers. � e show consists of players competing in elimination-style tourna-ments as they travel across the country in the Madden Nation Bus with the � nal destination ending in New York City where the � nal-ists have a chance to win a $100 thousand grand prize. With a few seasons under its belt, Madden Nation continues to bring in play-ers from all over the nation in hopes at ge� ing a shot at the title. What be� er way to pro-mote your new video game than to have a television show about your game with people playing the very game you are promot-ing? It’s pure genius. John Madden has been

able to capture success in nearly every aspect of pro-fessional football in a ca-reer that has lasted over 50 years. He played, coached, commentated and created a video game franchise, all centered on the National Football League. But at 74 years old, he must be done, right? Not quite yet. As of Sept. 10, Madden will serve as special advisor to Roger Goodell, the current NFL commissioner. According to source www.seatlepi.com, Madden “will serve in an unpaid position as chair of the coaches group in the competition com-mi� ee and be part of a weekly call with Goodell or another NFL o� cial to discuss issues from the pre-vious week’s games.” With such an incredible career and dedication to the NFL, I commend John Madden for all he has ac-complished throughout

the years. One thing, it seems, most people want to get out of life is to leave their mark, their legacy that they existed or contributed to the human race. John Madden will leave more of a crater-sized dent on the lives of many Americans, especially those who have or have had any interest in professional football. As a tribute to Mr. Foot-ball himself, here are just a few of his quotes courtesy of www.forums.allgames.com: “Here’s a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.” “From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the big-gest legs I have ever seen on a running back.” “I guarantee you one thing; Jack Tatum never hit anyone from behind.” “� e goal of football is to score more points than your opponent.” � anks for the memories John. ◆

Ma� [email protected]

BY:

Women’s Soccer on Sunday, Sept. 13Mesa State 1, UCCS 0

Women’s Volleyball on Saturday, Sept. 12Nebraska-Kearney 3, UCCS 0

Women’s Soccer on Friday, Sept. 11Fort Lewis 2, UCCS 0

Men’s Soccer on Wednesday, Sept. 9UCCS 3, Colorado College 2

Women’s Volleyball on Tuesday, Sept. 8UCCS 3, Colorado Christian 0

Men’s Soccer: 7:30 p.m.Home vs Metro State: Friday, Sept. 18

Women’s Soccer: 5:00 p.m.Home vs Colorado Christian: Friday, Sept. 18

Women’s Volleyball: 7:00 p.m.Away vs Regis: Friday, Sept. 18

Women’s Cross Country: TBAAway vs Woody Greeno Invitational Saturday, Sept. 19

Men’s Golf: TBAAway vs Falcon Invitational Saturday, Sept. 19

Men’s Cross Country: TBAAway vs Woody Greeno Invitational: Satur-day, Sept. 19

Men’s Golf: TBAAway vs Falcon Invitational: Sunday, Sept. 20

Women’s Volleyball: 7:00 p.m.Away vs Metro State: Saturday, Sept. 19

Sports Scoreboard: Sept. 8 to Sept. 15Results Upcoming Games

Men’s Soccer: 7:30 p.m.Home vs Metro State: Friday, Sept. 18

Women’s Soccer: 5:00 p.m.Home vs Colorado Christian: Friday, Sept. 18

Women’s Volleyball: 7:00 p.m.Away vs Regis: Friday, Sept. 18 Away vs Regis: Friday, Sept. 18 Away

Women’s Cross Country: TBAAway vs Woody Greeno Invitational Saturday, Away vs Woody Greeno Invitational Saturday, AwaySept. 19

Men’s Golf: TBAAway vs Falcon Invitational Saturday, Sept. 19 Away vs Falcon Invitational Saturday, Sept. 19 Away

Men’s Cross Country: TBAAway vs Woody Greeno Invitational: Satur-Away vs Woody Greeno Invitational: Satur-Awayday, Sept. 19

Men’s Golf: TBAAway vs Falcon Invitational: Sunday, Sept. 20Away vs Falcon Invitational: Sunday, Sept. 20Away

Women’s Volleyball: 7:00 p.m.Away vs Metro State: Saturday, Sept. 19 Away vs Metro State: Saturday, Sept. 19 Away

Upcoming Games

Men’s Golf on Monday, Sept. 14Peaks Classic: Day 1: 5th of 14

Men’s Golf on Tuesday, Sept. 15Peaks Class: Final: 1st of 14

paradoxthe news is full of contradictions

satire : irony : hilarity

the

According to a bill passed last week, the Student Gov-ernment Association is officially banning the use of milk on campus. According to the terms of the bill, milk is be-ing disallowed due to its “massive capacity to get old and become stinky.” Daniel Garcia, the current SGA President, was quoted saying, “Spoiled milk is disgusting. If someone leaves it in the fridge, it can make all the rest of the food in the fridge smell terrible, and it hurts people’s feelings. And that’s something that I as president just can’t let happen.” Reports about why the milk ban came so suddenly are varied, but rebel groups are being created left and right in opposition to what is being called “a reign of milk tyr-anny.” One popular group, Milk Makes Men (MMM), is claiming that the current Student Government legislation is aimed merely at oppressing the common man, as the organiza-tion teams up with local milk-alternative producers with its agenda to get everybody drinking soy milk. Others think it’s merely the SGA flexing its muscles and showing what kind of power it has over the student body. It appears that those in favor of this bill are in a dwindling minority. An unlikely enforcement partnership has been forged in the wake of this new change. Sodexo, the company that caters everything here on campus (The Lodge within the housing village as well as The Overlook) has teamed up with Public Safety, UCCS’s campus police station. In order to enforce the milk ban, there are now police officers and security guards patrolling both in the day light as well as during the night. So far, statistics look promising: On average, the new patrols have been documenting and ticketing upwards of five people a day. Student Jake Musta-chio, who now goes off campus to drink his milk, explained in an email that according to rumors, SGA representatives are using this gavel to smash the hopes of UCCS freshman. In a sign of vigilantism, SGA Housing Senator Spencer Foote has taken it upon himself to gather up a band of his Kappa Sigma brothers and is making a 24-hour patrol of the entire campus, calling Public Safety every time a whiff of milk comes across their noses. Many UCCS students have come to protest this act, say-ing that it is unconstitutional and that the campus fraternal brothers are taking the law into their own hands. However, since they are protesting, these dissenters have been con-fined to the “Free Speech Zone,” which is located around the marble mountain lion statue. According to Garcia, how-ever, most students don’t really care. Students opposing the ban have allegedly taken to van-dalizing the campus with their opinions on the ban. Most notably damaged is The Lodge in Summit Village. “Milk is not a crime!” has been scrawled across the ground right in front of the entrance, in large block letters. When asked how they feel about the current legislation, Public Safety Officers just mumbled about enforcing the rules, not their opinions. Still, both Public Safety and the grounds crew here at UCCS have been unable to keep up with the amount of graffiti that has been displayed seemingly overnight. Chancellor Pamela Shockley-Zalabak made an official address to the school about the issue, stating, “You have elected these student body leaders. You have put them in this position of power, and this is what they have chosen. Vandalism isn’t going to change your votes from the past.” It would certainly appear that students will be eating their cereal dry from now on, at least until next year, when, the anti-ban students hope, elections see the milk-banning rule of the current student body come to an end.

Contact the writer at [email protected]

Disclaimer: A collection of imaginary, usually cynical (adj. 1. Scornful of the motives or virtue of others, bitterly mocking, sneering) and almost – but not quite – base-less observations (n. 1. The act or faculty of paying attention or noticing…2. The act of noting a phenomenon…3. That which is acquired from or based on observing, such as a conclusion or rule.) on society (n. …4. A colony or community of organisms, usually from the same species), college (n. 1. An institution of higher learning, esp. one provid-ing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or professional training...), alcohol (n. whiskey, gin, vodka, or any other intoxicating liquor containing this liquid), student government (n. 1. A group of individuals who allot outrageous amounts of stu-dent fees indiscriminately among student groups, and pretends to have power to do any-thing more than bitch), textbooks (n. 1. A book used by students as a standard work for a particular branch of study, 2. A surprising and startling portion of your college fund.),

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” Student Press Law Center

by: Ricky Dalldorf

12345678910Going home to see the parents.

You know you have to be 100% to handle that situation, ques-tions are going to be flying at you like crazy.

English 141. It’s always an ear-ly-morning class, and there is never anyone in that class who wants to be there.

Writing articles for your local college newspaper. It’s some-thing that needs a little prepa-ration.

The morning after your all-night alcohol-fueled video gaming session. Whether its Halo or Smash Brothers, you’re gonna need some coffee in the morning.

The last week of the semester for history majors. They spend all semester procrastinating their huge papers, and all the due dates fall on the last week.

Any time you’re at Denny’s. It’s probably 3 in the morning, and you’ve just seen some crazy things. Go ahead, get some coffee.

After the cops just busted your party in the Dorms, you’re gon-na need a friend to sober you up. That’s why coffee is here.

When your friend tries to drag you along to New Life Church. You’ll want to be prepared for anything going in to that situa-tion.

Tuesday mornings. Well, if the school is providing you with free coffee, why not feed the addiction?

After you come back from the yearly Foam Party that OSA puts on, when it isn’t cancelled. Its not easy to process all the absurdity that you just went through.

Top Ten

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where coffee is absolutely

necessary

SGA bans milk in

effort to improve campus

smell

tuition (n. 1. The charge or fee for instruction, as at a private school or a college or university. ), cougars (n. 1. A large, tawny cat, 2. An older woman who seeks out young male lovers.), and so many more interesting but utterly useless tidbits de-signed to disillusion (v. 1. To free or deprive of illusion; disenchant.) the everyday (SEE ‘common’), common (SEE ‘everyday’), ignorant (adj. …3. Unaware or unin-formed.) and uncultured student (n. 1. A person formally engaged in learning, esp. one enrolled in a school or college), as to what this wacky world (n. 1. The earth. 2. The universe. 3. The earth and its inhabitants collectively. 4. The human race.) of ours really is, via satire (n. 1. The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in ex-posing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc., 2. A literary composition in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision or ridicule.) , and parody (n. 1. Any humorous, satirical, or burlesque imitation, as of a person, event, etc., 2. To

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” Student Press Law Center

imitate for purposes of ridicule or satire.). Many persons of sensitive constitu-tion find such sarcastic, predominantly untrue reporting to be offensive and distasteful. However, all quotes and instances are wholly misattributed and without foundation. No more offense than necessary should be taken, though hate mail is always a good outlet if storming off in an irked huff doesn’t work. If angry state persists we suggest you contact your physician. If you find you are unable to take a bitter, explicit and probably tasteless joke, not reading anything at all ever might be the better choice. The Scribe is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure on the part of your brain to perform. This page is meant for enjoyable educational purposes. No children or animals were harmed in the making of this segment.

In an exclusive report to the humble Scribe, UCCS campus Police Sergeant Donny McGriddles has agreed to an interview in re-spect to last evening’s bust in the Monarch House dormitories. “That was a hell of a thing,” McGriddles recalls before taking a contemplative sip of his oily black coffee. “Well at first, we were responding to reports of visible candlelight shining from the windows of several rooms, so needless to say we were adequately armed, but I didn’t expect anything like this.” McGrid-dles lead into the crime scene, secured with a perimeter of cautionary tape and continuesd his tale: “When we entered the Monarch House, we could tell right away something wasn’t right. I detected the presence of alcohol, to my right a freshman girl was vomiting into a drink-ing fountain, to my left a naked man trying to wrestle a komodo dragon while a crowd of bookies cheered them on. “And then some crazy guy, too old for the dorms, was all gyrating in my face and shriek-ing something about Kublai Khan and dam-sels and dulcimers. We found the resident ad-visor in question lying sideways on a pile of lavish pillows, smoking a pipe lit by a candle.

Resident assistants implicated in campus underage drinking scandal

by: Byron Graham [Contact the writer at [email protected]]

I hadn’t seen anything like this since my days at CU Boulder.” Indeed, the halls of Monarch House bore the scars of its inhabitants’ rampant debauchery. The distress of witnessing our proud hall be-smirched with DNA stains and broken bottles, covered in drips of candle wax and the sleep-ing bodies, was soon diminished by what was perhaps the most shocking wrinkle in an al-ready appalling scoop: that this devilry was facilitated and indeed encouraged by Univer-sity of Colorado Resident Advisors. The RAs, whose names The Scribe wasn’t permitted or entirely willing to print due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, lived in adjacent rooms which they had festooned with heavy curtains, and covered in Turkish rugs and pillows. Apparently well-liked by the very students they were hired to steward and sanguinely guide through their freshman year, the two had always joked about turning their rooms into “The Den.” Unfortunately, UCCS housing officials at first merely thought the pair chose an uncon-ventional inspiration for their interior design, but had they known the two advisors were quite serious they might have stopped the transgressors.

Officials now know that within the first week, 80 percent of the Monarch House res-idents had not yet attended a class, as they were by then no doubt, fully ensnared in the deadly seduction of the big O, fearing the sun, lying on their hips and indulging in their deadly vice. “It started almost right away,” said a student named Martha Gulrugger, who asked unper-suasively not to be identified by The Scribe. “The RAs turned their orientation dorm mix-er into an absinthe party. I descended into a substance-drenched haze from which I’m only now beginning to emerge… they were coooool,” she trailed off as sleep randomly overtook her. Many believe this occurrence is a dis-grace to the university. Resident Advisors have a responsibility to their universities and their fellow students to discourage underage drinking and drug use, not to mention give everyone in the dorms the creeps. As of press time, McGriddles had no new specifics to report on the case. As it stands at the time of press, any and every one of the Monarch residents not currently in the throes of delirium tremens are wandering the cam-pus, wailing for their demon lover.

The Den’s “crazy old guy” after a long day of “gyrating.” (Pictured with a freshman)

Sept. 17, 2009

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Transcript of Sept. 17, 2009