Raise Your EQ for Personal and Leadership Success · 2019-01-25 · intelligence (can raise your IQ...

Raise Your EQ—for Personal

and Leadership Success

Arlene R. Taylor PhD

Brain References

www.ArleneTaylor.org

www.LLM.life 1-19

IQ describes a level of inherited potential academic

intelligence (can raise your IQ from 5-30 points

depending where you start)

EQ describes a set of learned skills distinct from, but

complementary to, academic intelligence (IQ measure)

SQ (Success Quotient) describes one’s overall

success based on IQ + EQ levels—and is also

believed to impact health as well as longevity

©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org

IQ plus EQ equals your SQ or Success Quotient

IQ contributes 20%; EQ about 80%

IQ – a range of potential abilities that you

inherit

EQ - learned skills distinct from but complementary to IQ

Top performers use both in harmony; successful managers

tend to have high levels of EQ, while less successful

managers often have high IQs but low EQ


High EQ in your personal life and at work can allow you to:

Have a difference of opinion and still communicate in

affirming ways that minimize conflict

Build and maintain stable, rewarding,

interpersonal relationships

• Reduce negative stressors while increasing your health,

happiness, success, and maybe even your longevity

• Be more likely to achieve your life goals


Christian spirituality, without an integration of emotional

health, can be deadly—to yourself, your relationship to

God, and the people around you… It is impossible to be

spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature...

Family patterns from the past are played out in our present

relationships without us necessarily being aware of it—Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (2017)

All individuals/families are damaged—some more than

others—trying to serve from a well of unmet needs is

unhelpful to the person, as well as to those whom they

are trying to serve, and may do far more damage than good


The brain is at least spiritual, relational, and sexual

(including aspects of mental, emotional, and social

functions); the brain needs to “grow up” emotionally

and spiritually and integrate those other functions

When your own level of spirituality or emotional intelligence

is low, it is impossible to provide healthy leadership; rather it

will reflect your own family-of-origin issues, the spoken and

unspoken rules handed to you at birth, your brain function,

unidentified and/or unhealed woundednessall packaged in

layers of behaviors passed on from biological ancestors


Spirituality encompasses the spirit in which you

live life, including ethical and moral choices

It may involve an inner sense of something greater than

oneself (e.g., Higher Power, God), the recognition of a

meaning to existence that transcends immediate

circumstances, a sense of awe, affiliation, vision, or goals

to achieve the highest possible levels of brain-body health

and wellness (high-level-healthiness).

It may/may not involve affiliation with religion or ideology



In families there is a powerful opposition when one member

of that system matures and increases his or her level of

differentiation…even a little growth can cause a reaction

Murray Bowen

Some would like to differentiate, grow up, and mature but

stifle that growth due to opposition from family or culture,

or from living in an environment of over-control, or

trying to “avoid conflict” and “maintain harmony”

through over-conformance and over-compliance …

Anecdotally, similar patterns can be seen in organizations

Wholeness begins with knowing who you are and what

happened to you—and to your biological

or adoptive ancestors, insofar as possible

It involves identifying traumas that stopped

your emotional growth and kept you from

maturing spiritually and emotionally—what you learn may

be hard pills to swallow but maturing into high levels of

spiritual and emotional growth begins with those pills

• The unexamined life is not worth living —Socrates

• Examine yourselves —Paul 2 Corinthians 13:5


Estimates are that 70% of relational choices and

communication in the present reflect your own

past, primarily what exists outside of conscious

awareness but impacts at a subconscious level

Most people want to “let sleeping dogs lie” and prefer not

to connect the past with the present (easier to blame

others); however, you can only deal effectively with and

manage well what you can identify, label, and describe


Caveats: Only about 10-15% of what at goes on in the

“mind” comes to conscious awareness

Clear scientific evidence exists that facial expressions

registering at least joy, anger, fear, and sadness are inborn

and may be seen on the face of a fetus during gestation

based on what is happening to the mother

The fetus “knows” if it is wanted

and if it is the desired gender

EQ is not “emotion” but rather

a method of managing emotions

successfully on a consistent basis


God created emotions and scripture shows He used them

Joy: Luke 10

Anger: Mark 3

Fear: Luke 22

Sadness: Matthew 26

God communicates with human beings through emotions

and impressions received in the brain and nervous system

Scripture says in your anger do not sin and avoid letting the

sun go down on your wrathdoesn’t say anger is wrong


Vital

personal

assistants!

All emotions are positive (three are protective)

although behaviors around them are often

negative


PET Scans: Joy is aligned with the left

hemisphere

Anger, Fear, and Sadness are aligned with

the right hemisphere

• Shame and Guilt - emotional interrupters

• Surprise and Disgust - emotional motivators

Emotions are fast-acting cellular signals triggered by an

internal or external stimulus and designed to:

1. Get your attention

2. Connect the conscious with subconscious

3. Provide you with information

4. Give you energy to take action

5. Help you make moral and ethical decisions

6. Bind your perceptions to your conscious beliefs, making

what you think about seem even more real at the time


Emotional Intelligence (EQ) involves the ability to

to recognize each of the four core emotions (joy,

anger, fear, and sadness) quickly; to obtain the information

the emotion is attempting to convey; to know what feels

good and what feels bad; to know how to get from bad to

goodexhibiting appropriate and congruent actions and

behaviors in ways that result in positive outcomes

Deleterious addictive behaviors represent attempts to get

from feeling bad to feeling better in ways that tend to

increase the likelihood of negative outcomes


When Goleman’s first book on Emotional Intelligence was

released in the mid ’90s many had never even heard of EQ

much less had any idea of what it really described or how

it could possibly impact their lives—even fewer had any

concept of a metaphorical EQ Continuum on which

behaviors could be plotted based on outcomes

The higher one’s position on the EQ Continuum,

the easier it is to identify high versus low behaviors

High Average Low


Emotional Intelligence consists of three psychological

dimensions that motivate people to maximize productivity,

manage change, and resolve conflict:

1. Emotional competency

2. Emotional maturity

3. Emotional sensitivity

Dr. Singh is also developing an EQ Assessment

to use for evaluating potential hires for employment


Dahlip Singh, PhD

Emotional Intelligence at Work

Emotional Competency:

Tackle emotional upsets and avoid emotional

exhaustion (no ‘stuffing it’ or ‘slush fund’)

Possess optimum self-esteem (not under- or

overinflated but balanced)

Handle egoism (take the initiative to prevent and/or

resolve conflict)

Use tactful responses to emotional stimuli (no overtresponse may be most appropriate at the moment)


Emotional Maturity:

• Are self-aware (as brain matures)

• Care for self and develop others (as the

superego develops with brain maturation)

• Able to delay immediate gratification for a more desirable

long-term reward

• Can adapt (each brain only has its own opinion and you

know yours but can alter it as advisable or necessary)

• Are flexible (able to brainstorm options and alternatives

successfully)


Emotional Sensitivity:

Able to respond to emotional stimuli of low intensity

(don’t need to be hit over the head with high intensity to

get their attention)

Can be empathetic (different from sympathy)

Improved interpersonal relationships (tend to

live at ‘joy’ and are not knocked down by

the choices of others)

Communicate positive emotion (mindset, self-talk, an

affirmation-style of speaking)


Eight Skills:

1. Able to identify, accurately label, assess level

of intensity, and express emotions appropriately

2. Able to recognize what the emotion is

trying to communicate

3. Able to delay gratification and exhibit

good impulse control

4. Able to articulate the difference between recognizing

and identifying a specific emotion and taking any

immediate action based on it


5. Able to listen, read and interpret social cues,

and understand the perspective of others

whether or not there is agreement

6. Able to exhibit effective verbal and nonverbal skills

along with empathy and compassion

7. Able to manage own feelings and moods (a feeling that

hangs around for a long time) effectively – or seek help

8. Able to handle relationships effectively, minimizing

and avoiding all JOT behaviors



Three JOT behaviors align with low levels of EQ:

J = Jumping to conclusions

O = Overreacting

T = Taking things personally

What EQ skills did you learn growing up?

Start raising your level of EQ by identifying JOT behaviors

quickly and avoiding them; replacing them with behaviors

that tend to result in positive outcomes; sure it takes

effort, but if you’re serious it can go quite quickly

Frustrated

Unaware

Unstable

Restless

Poor self-worth

Unhappy (blaming,

judgmental, critical)

Satisfied

Aware

Balanced

Peaceful

Good self-esteem

Happy (grateful,

appreciative)

EQ

EQ

Emotionally mature adults tend to exhibit behaviors

that represent high levels of EQ—most of the time


Dejected

Angry

Lonely

Stressed

Dependent

Fatigued

Perceive failure

Motivated

Contented

Connected

Calm

Interdependent

Energetic

Perceive success

EQ

EQ

Who do you want to hire? Who do you want to work

with? Who do you want to live with?



Individuals may be decades into adult life and still be

functioning at a very low level of EQ. For example:

Adults who are “babies” emotionally:

• Are unable to delay gratification

• Want someone else to “take care” of them

• Use tantrums in an effort to get their own way

• Tend to view others as a means to their own ends

• May be overcontrolling or overly compliant

• It’s all about me!


Adults who are “children” emotionally (id):

• May pout, whine, complain, throw tantrums or objects,

stamp their feet metaphorically, manipulate, withdraw if

what they want is not quickly forthcoming

• Tend to take disappointments or a simple difference of

opinion personally; may be sarcastic or retaliate with

threats (You never loved me; I’m leaving)

• Act ‘hurt’ very easily and complain of being so

‘stressed’—can be a real challenge to deal with

©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org©Arlene R. Taylor PhD - www.ArleneTaylor.org

Adults who are “teenagers” emotionally (ego):

• Tend to live defensively and argue if criticized

• Unable to deal with conflict, blaming others or using the

‘silent treatment’ or refusing to discuss the issue at all

• Are critical and judgmental of others (often in an attempt

to make themselves feel better about themselves)

• May be self-absorbed, unable to empathize with or help

others; instead they rush to “tell their own sad story”

• May lie or exaggerate to look better in the eyes of others

High levels of EQ help to prevent conflict—

which happens everywhere and is expensive

Home: contributes to illness, stress,

violence, addictions, divorce, murder . . .

Schools and Churches: interferes with spiritual growth;

burns out teachers, elders, ministers, other personnel;

triggers misunderstandings . . . and may longevity

Workplace: managers spend 18% of their time managing

employee conflicts (low EQ) —US State News; August 19, 2006


Emotions and feelings follow separate brain pathwaysBritish journal Lancet

You are not responsible for every emotion that surfaces

as external events can trigger them—you are responsible

for what you put into your brain that can trigger emotions

Feelings always follow thoughts—to change the way you

feel you must change the way you think

Behaviors follow thoughts, mindset, and self-talk

You are responsible for the feelings you hang

onto as your brain created them


Emotions-Feelings Cascade:

An internal or external stimulus triggers

an emotion; the brain tries to make sense

of bodily physiological changes resulting

from the emotion; and the brain’s

interpretation becomes your feelings

You become aware of a feeling—that followed

a thought—and either hang onto it and exhibit a related

behavior or you change the thought, which changes the

feeling, and then you exhibit a different behavior



When you understand that your feelings are connected to

what you think about an event and not by the event itself,

you can gain a measure of perspective and control

You can change your thoughts and a change

in thoughts often can radically alter your

feelings and your behaviors—because

feelings & behaviors always follow thoughts

It is immensely empowering to realize that you

are not at the mercy of your emotions and / or feelings

EQ does not show up in IQ tests and yet EQ matters more

than anything else in determining your overall success in

life both personally and professionally

The following examples represent the type of

questions being considered by Dr. Singh for an

EQ Assessment for employment applicants

To attempt to hire personnel with high levels of EQ

As a management tool if behaviors fall short of the

assessment results …


A - When your idea is rejected, you:

1. Feel totally put down and tell others how

unfair this was

2. Analyze reasons for the defeat

3. Figure winning and losing are all part of the game

4. Wait for the next opportunity to beat your opponents


B - Explain your current life in one sentence:

1. Okay – life is a 50:50 mixed experience

2. Successful – a contented person who has

what could make you happy

3. Comfortable – but basically just a puppet in life

4. Uncomfortable – a person who deserves better but

can’t get it


C - When a hearing-impaired person in your group

misunderstands a phrase, you:

1. Laugh with the others

2. Ignore the incident

3. Repeat the phrase so the person gets it

4. Help the person and then comment about

a need to speak louder


D - When newcomers with different opinions

attend your group, you:

1. Ignore them and hope they go away

2. Criticize them to others

3. Accept them “as is” and set your own

boundaries as needed

4. Tell them to change in order to be accepted


E - When co-workers comment you are not

smart since you don’t know the lingo, you:

1. Ignore them

2. Ask them to keep their opinions to

themselves

3. Transfer to another department

4. Evaluate their comments, accept the challenge, and

learn the lingo


F - After involuntary transfer to a project with a new boss

in remote area (albeit with a pay hike and promotion

possibility), you:

1. Mark time waiting for a promotion

2. Enjoy the challenge and pay raise

3. Complain or whine and ask “Why me?”

4. Jump the gun and think of resigning and looking for

new job


Some EQ Myths:

1. Equates with being ‘nice’ (false); it equates

with being graciously functional

2. Is higher in women (false)

3. Means giving free reign to your feelings (false)

4. Is fixed genetically (false)

5. Is developed only in childhood (false) it can be

raised any time you want to start working on it


Emotional Intelligence is a required course

for success in every aspect of life—and

a next class is always available

However, the homework is challenging, and exams are

often tough to pass, so many drop out . . .

You can do it and may even motivate others to raise their

level of EQ as they watch you role-model

High EQ makes for successful and effective leadership . . .


Raise Your EQ for Personal and Leadership Success · 2019-01-25 · intelligence (can raise your IQ...

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Transcript of Raise Your EQ for Personal and Leadership Success · 2019-01-25 · intelligence (can raise your IQ...