SHOCKTOBER 20 • 2011 • THE FINAL COUNTDOWNCHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE

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Dingbat by Lesha Patterson

CrappycandyAnd other Halloween disappointments

UPDATED WEEKLY

HAUNTED HOUSESBARS & CLUBS

CrappycandyAnd other Halloween disappointments

UPDATED WEEKLY

HAUNTED HOUSESBARS & CLUBS

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | ChaTTanOOgapulsE.COm18

What Elvira looks like without the makeup.

OK, we’re reaching. Give us a break. We’ve milked Halloween for all it’s worth and we’re down to Elvira. But this is Elvira, aka Cassandra Peterson, 60, photographed this year by Gage Skidmore. She looks better than Gene Simmons with the makeup.

ChaTTanOOgapulsE.COm | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE 19

NIGHT STALKER’S NOTEBOOK

HappyHalloween!

Halloween potpourriCrappy candy, costumes and, oh, Elvira ...Candy? No. Those are urine cakes. Don’t come by our house on Halloween, because we won’t be home. We’ll be rockin’ with Dr. Shock at The Honest Pint (see Bars & Clubs, Page 23), but if we were home, we wouldn’t cheat you with crappy candy. No, we’d be giving out the good stuff. But our neighbors aren’t so cool. In fact, they suck as bad as their candy. They give out the crap unapologetically, the stuff you hated as a kid that makes our list of the Top 10 Crappy Candies of Halloween. Break out the toilet paper when you get this crap in your bag:1. Good & Plenty: Medicine-covered pieces of tree. 2. Dum Dums: Urine cakes on a stick.3. Dots: Rubbery, flavorless colored gelatin subtance covered in corn starch.4. Smarties, Necco Wafers: What fruit tastes like chalk dust?5. Brach’s Strawberry Bon-Bons: These don’t taste bad, but they often come barely wrapped, as if some psycho in his mom’s basement spent hours dipping these in rat pee.6. Dubble Bubble: Rock hard molar-breaking mothballs masquerading as chewing gum.7. Wax lips, bottles: Tastes like your mom.8. Homemade: We’d rather eat a pound of root beer candy barrels.9. Butterscotch candy: No scotch, plenty of ass flavor in these Dust Bowl-era “treats.”10. Candy corn: The king of bad Halloween candies. Horrid, mealy, wax-tasting gerbil droppings.

Dressing up as KISS? Don’t. Used to be cool — in 1977. Gene Simmons is a tool and you’ll look like one.

Boo, Radley. Robert Duvall scared the crap out of us in To Kill a Mockingbird. “Boo Radley” by Kevin Bate.

Yikes. Hard to believe we found no Michele Bachmann Halloween masks online, but that oldscary standby Sarah Palincan be found everywhere.

Click! That’s all, folks!

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | ChaTTanOOgapulsE.COm20

Panic! listings are updat-ed weekly. If you operate a haunted house or event and would be like to be listed, or your listed event changes, submit informa-tion as formatted here and email to creative@chattanoogapulse.com. Key: † New ‡ Family friendly

a TalE of 4 SoulS: a hauNTED SpIRIT BallDelta Queen on the riverHours/Dates: 7-mid-night, Saturday, Oct. 29Tickets: $65-125Info: (423) 757-5259

aCRES of DaRKNESS hauNTED TRaIl†‡ Chattanooga Audubon Acres900 N. Sanctuary RoadHours/Dates: 7-11 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays in October.Tickets: $15Web: chattanoogaaudu-bon.org

BloWINg SCREamS faRm271 Chattanooga Valley RoadFlintstone, Ga.Hours/Dates: 7 p.m. ev-ery Friday and Saturday night in October.Tickets: $15 (Forest of Fear); $15 (Ghost Ride); $25 for both.Web: blowingscreams-farm.com

ChaTTaNooga ghoST TouRS100 Walnut StreetFeatures: Walking ghost tours, ghost hunts with the talking Ovilus X and extended tours with an inside visit to a haunted location.Hours/Dates: 7 p.m. ev-ery Friday and Saturday night in October.Tickets: Tour $14 adults, $9 kids; Hunt $20 adults only.Web: hattanoogaghost-tours.com

DREamNIghT: Boo IN ThE Zoo!‡

301 North Holtzclaw AvenueHours/Dates: 5:30-8:30

p.m. Thursday, Oct. 27Tickets: Free with reser-vationsWeb: chattzoo.org

ENChaNTED maIZE‡

271 Chattanooga Valley RoadFlintstone, Ga.Features: “Another Y-Ear of Corny Fun.” Hours/Dates: Thurs-days-Sundays through Oct. 30.Tickets: $9 adults, $7 childrenWeb: enchantedmaze.com

halloWEEN EERIE ExpRESS‡

Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum4119 Cromwell RoadHours/Dates: Oct. 20; trains depart at 5:45 and 7:45 p.m.Tickets: $22 ages 2 and upWeb: tvrail.com

ThE hauNTED BaRN5107 McDonald Road,McDonaldHours/Dates: 7:30 p.m.-midnight, Fridays and Saturdays in October.Tickets: $15Web: hauntedbarnchat-tanooga.com

hauNTED CavERN RuBY fallS1720 South Scenic HighwayHours/Dates: 8 p.m. Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays in October (including Oct. 31).Tickets: $20 online; $22 at the door; $17 SundaysWeb: hauntedcavern.com

hauNTED DEpoT & haYRIDE155 Depot Street,

RinggoldHours/Dates: 7 p.m. Oct. 21-22 and 27-29Tickets: $5 (Depot); $3 (Hayride)Web: ringgoldhaunted-depot.com

hauNTED hIllTop8235 Highway 58Hours/Dates: 7 p.m.-1 a.m. Fridays and Satur-days in October (includ-ing Oct. 30 and 31).Tickets: $18 for the Haunted House, Haunted Maze and Haunted Hay-ride. Free parking.Web: thehauntedhilltop.com

houSE of hoRRoRS140 Edwards Street. NE,ClevelandHours/Dates: 7 p.m.-midnight, Fridays and Saturdays in October (including Oct. 31).Tickets: $10Web: wewillscareyou.com

laKE WINNEpaSpooKah‡

1730 Lakeview Drive, RossvilleHours/Dates: 6-11 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays in October.Tickets: $24Web: lakewinnie.com

moNSTER BaRN4431 Shackleford Ridge Road,Signal MountainHours/Dates: 8-10:30 p.m. Fridays and Satur-days in October.Tickets: $10; $5 Haunted HayrideWeb: monsterbarnfun.com

mYSTERY Dog RaNCh975 Wooten Road,RinggoldHours/Dates: 7 p.m. Oct. 21-22 and 28-29Tickets: $10Web: mysterydoghaunt-edranchandhayride.net

SIR gooNEY’S hauNTED CaRNIval5918 East Brainerd RoadHours/Dates: Doors open at 7 p.m. every weekend in October through Halloween.Tickets: $20Web: sirgooneys.com

HAUNTED HOUSES & EVENTS

ChaTTanOOgapulsE.COm | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE 21

ThE hoNEST pINT35 Patten Parkway(423) 468-4192thehonestpint.com• Saturday, Oct. 2912th Annual All Hallows Eve Bash featuring Dead Confederate with The Bohannons. Tickets on sale Sept. 30.• Monday, Oct. 31Halloween Variety Showfeaturing the Shock The-ater Orchestra, Odist, Op-posite Box, Subterranean Cirqus. Magic from Scott Fillers and horror movies.

JJ’S BohEmIa231 E. MLK Boulevard(423) 266-1400reverbnation.com/venue/jjsbohemia• Friday, Oct. 28The KISSFITS and Rocky Horror Picture Show• Monday, Oct. 31

The Unsatisfied

Sluggo’S501 Cherokee Boulevard(423) 752-5224facebook.com/sundays-lashersSunday Slashers a lineup of cult, offbeat and blast-from-the-past horror and slasher movies downstairs at Sluggo’ from 7 p.m. to midnight every Sunday in October. The restaurant is serving homemade vegan pizza, popcorn and $1 Pabst beer all evening.

TRaCK 29Chattanooga Choo Choo Campus1400 Market Street(423) 521-2929track29.coThe Nim Nims, Glowing Bordis and Tone Harm all playing separate sets

and converging together on stage for a full-album cover of the Beastie Boys’ Ill Communication. Tickets on sale Friday, Sept. 23 for $10. 21+ show. • Saturday, Oct. 299-9:45 p.m. The Nim Nims; 10-10:45 p.m. Glow-ing Bordis; 11-11:10 p.m. Costume Contest11:15 p.m.-Midnight Ill Communicators12:15 a.m.-1 a.m. Tone Harm

BARS & CLUBS

Dead Confederate at The Honest Pint on October 29.

Panic! listings are updated weekly. Listings are updated weekly. If you operate a bar or club and are hosting a Halloween-specific event, or your listed event changes, submit information as formatted here and email to creative@chattanoogapulse.com.

CHATTANOOGAGHOST TOURSWAlkiNG GHOST TOURS

ANd HUNTS

423.821.7125chattanoogaghosttours.com

“One of the top 10 ghost tours in the country”— TripAdvisOr.cOm

What 35 Patten Parkway was meant to be.

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week.

honest music local and regional showsThu, Oct 20

Sun, Oct 23

Wed, Oct 26

9 pm

7 pm

9 pm

Johnathan Sexton and the Big Love Choir with Soul Mechanic ($3 cover)

Blind Boy Chocolate & The Milk Sheiks The Crow Quill Night Owls • Brody Douglas Hunt

Tom Evanchuck · Andrew Combs ($3 cover)

12th Annual All Hallows Eve BashSat, Oct 29 • Door: 9pm • Show: 10pmDead Confederate &The BohannonsCostume Contest • Tickets: thehonestpint.com

First Halloween Variety Show • Mon, Oct 31Shock Theatre Orcs, Odist, Opposite Box, Subterranean Cirqus, Horror Movies! $7

Costume Contest $100 First Prize

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | ChaTTanOOgapulsE.COm22