Temper tantrums

Temper tantrums—just thethought of one is enough to makeyou cringe. Most parents agree thatthere is nothing quite like dealingwith a kicking, screaming child. Itcan bring out the worst in all of usand it is always difficult to handle.

Temper tantrums are a normalpart of growing up. All childrenhave them. Often they happen fordifferent reasons at different ages.Sometimes they take you bysurprise and sometimes they arepredictable. There are no magiccures, but there are some success-ful techniques that can help.

• Ages and stagesInfants

Infants may cry a lot, but theydon't really have tantrums. Theycry because they are wet, hungry,cold, or lonely. Crying is theironly way of letting adults knowthat they need something. Some-times infants have colic. Theyseem to cry endlessly for no

apparent reason. Studies showthat infants who have their needsmet quickly and who are held andcomforted when they cry, developa strong sense of security andwell-being and may actually crymuch less later on.

ToddlersToddlers throw tantrums for

many reasons—some big, somesmall. A square block won't fit ina round hole. Shoes feel funnyand socks don't seem to come offright. To make matters worse, youwon't let them climb on top of thekitchen table. Toddlers havetantrums because they get frus-trated very easily. Most toddlersstill do not talk much. They havetrouble asking for things andexpressing their feelings. Toddlersalso have very few problem-solvingskills. Tantrums are most likely tohappen when toddlers are hun-gry, exhausted, or overexcited.

PreschoolersPreschoolers are less likely to

throw tantrums. They havedeveloped more coping skills andare able to communicate better.Still, when dinner is late or when

IOWA STATE UNIVERSITYUniversity Extension Pm-1529j Revised November 2003

things get frustrating, yourpreschooler may begin to behavemore like a 2-year-old! Somechildren learn at this age thattantrums can be used to get some-thing they want. If parents give into demands, tantrums may begin tooccur with greater frequency.

School-agersOlder children are typically

more tolerant of frustratingsituations, but they too get overlytired, hungry, and irritable.Although school-age childrenhave developed stronger prob-lem-solving skills, they are facedwith increasingly complex socialsituations, and need to refine theirproblem-solving skills. Learningto get along with friends, work aspart of a team, or compete in asport requires skills that manyolder kids haven't fully developedyet. Kids who have limited prob-lem-solving skills or difficultyexpressing themselves with wordsare more likely to have tempertantrums or fits of anger. Older

children can learn to recognizewhen they are feeling upset orfrustrated. Also, they can learnacceptable ways to deal withtheir anger.

• How to handlea tantrum1. Try to remain calm. Shaking,

spanking, or screaming at yourchild tends to make the tantrumworse instead of better. Set apositive example for your childby remaining in control ofyourself and your emotions.

2. Pause before you act. Take atleast 30 seconds to decide howyou will handle the tantrum.Four possible ways to deal witha tantrum include:

Distract—Try to get yourchild's attention focused onsomething else. If your childscreams when you take awaysomething unsafe (like mommy'spurse) offer something else toplay with. This technique workswell with toddlers.

Remove—Take your child toa quiet, private place to calmdown. At home this may be thechild's room or a special "coolingdown" place. Out in public itmay mean sitting outside for a fewminutes or in the car. Avoid tryingto talk or reason with a scream-

ing child. It doesn't work! Staynearby until your child

calms down. Then youcan talk and return towhatever you were doing.

Ignore—Older children willsometimes throw tantrums toget attention. Try ignoring thetantrum and go about yourbusiness as usual. If staying inthe same room with a screamingchild makes you uncomfortable,leave the room. If necessary, turnon the radio and lock yourself inthe bathroom for a few minutes.

Hold—Physically restrainchildren if they are "out ofcontrol" (may harm themselvesand others). You also might saysomething like: "I can see you areangry right now and I am goingto hold you until you calm down.I won't let you hurt me or anyoneelse." Often this approach can becomforting to a child. Childrendon't like to be out of control. Itscares them. An adult who is ableto take charge of the situation,remain calm and in control, canbe very reassuring.

3. Wait until your child calmsdown before talking about thesituation. It's difficult to reasonwith a screaming child. Insiston a cooling down period andfollow-up with a discussionabout behavior. Use this oppor-tunity to teach your childacceptable ways to handle angerand difficult situations. Withpractice, preschoolers andschool-agers can learn:• How to ask for help,• When to go somewhere to

cool down,• How to try a more successful

way of doing something, and

• How to express their feelingsand emotions in words(rather than hitting, kicking,or screaming).

4. Comfort and reassure yourchild. Tantrums scare mostkids. They often are not able tounderstand the reason for theiranger and generally feel shakenwhen it is all over. They need toknow that you do not approveof their behavior, but that youstill love them.

• An ounce ofprevention

Tantrums are a normal part ofgrowing up. All children willhave them sometime. If tantrumsseem to be happening often, youmight consider the followingsuggestions.

• Study your child's tantrums.When and where do theyoccur? Who is generally in-volved? What happens before,after, and during a tantrum?Often, looking for patterns cangive you clues about conditionsor situations that bring out thetantrum in your child.

• Set realistic limits and helpchildren stick to a regularroutine. Predictable mealtimesand bedtimes are particularlyimportant.

Offer real choices. Don't say,"Would you like to take yournap?" unless you are preparedto honor your child's choice notto nap. Instead try, "It's naptime now."

Choose your battles carefully.Say "No" to things that arereally important. Avoid fightingover little things.

Give your child a few minuteswarning before you end anactivity. Saying "We are going toleave the park and go home in afew minutes," or "I wonder whatwe can cook for supper when weget home," helps your child getready for change.

Help children not to "get inover their heads." Childrenneed challenging activities, butnot so challenging that theyexperience overwhelmingfrustration and failure.

• Read more about it!For more information on help-

ing children deal with anger andlearn self-control see extensionpublications:Getting Along series, PM 1650 -

1653Understanding Children: Disciplin-

ing your preschooler, PM 1529bUnderstanding Children: Disciplin-

ing your toddler, PM 1529cGrowing into Middle Childhood:

5- to 8-year-olds, PM 1174aGrowing out of Middle Childhood:

9- to 12-year-olds, PM 1174bBalancing Work and Family: Avoid-

ing the morning rush, PM 1404aBalancing Work and Family: Coming

home and making the transition,PM 1404f

Ages and Stages: 2-year-olds,PM 1530d

http: / / www.extension.iastate.edu/pubs/

Tantrums—A Plan of Action

When do tantrums occur?

Where do tantrums happen?

Who is generally included?

What happens before, after, and during a tantrum?

Things I can do to prevent a tantrum from occurring.

Ways that I can handle the tantrum when it occurs.

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extensionfamily life specialist. Illustrations by LonnaNachtigal. Graphic design by ValerieDittmer King.

File: Family life 8

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