prece-don’tthe

PERRY HIGH SCHOOL || PROVIDING FAKE NEWS SINCE 1974|| GILBERT, AZ

april2011

VOLUME IV ISSUE π

Table of ContentsLegitness || 1

Some other stuff || 2Lovin’ AZ || 3Reviews || 4

Meaning of Life || 5

World/Nation:Potato shortages threaten

Europe and the Americas with a breakout of a new kind of international con� ict. � e small European Republic of Latvia has been unable to buy potatoes from the United States as scientists have claimed all crops for biofuel testing.

� e serious spud-shortage has Latvian economists in a fret, as roughly 92 percent of the nation’s economy depends on Latvian-American potato pancakes. � is has sparked instability and tension across all Western Europe.

Latvia has established treaties with Djibouti and Ireland, forming one of the most powerful alliances in history. O� cials say that Latvia is prepared to declare war against United Nations member countries, if they do not produce potatoes immediately.

Real news (seriously): Tempe’s Broadway Palm Dinner Theater provides a fun-fi lled evening of great food and good

entertainment.Page 4

Oprah randomly selects one class from Perry

High to receive a spe-cial “farewell gift” for

her fi nal season. Details enclosed.

Page 6

Left handed people are starting to make politi-cal noise. Will they gain

rights? � e breaking news story of one left handed

man’s cry for help.And food.

Page 2

What liesbeneath

Concern for the Puma sports bench has declined since the end of the Cold War. Why do sports teams no longer care about their cheap, aluminum booty-

rack? We have the answers.Page 2

‘To infi nity and beyond’: Disney execs use Perry teacher for inspiration in classic fi lms

After a late night in Las Vegas, director and screenwriter John Lasseter decided to ease his mind by catching a University of Nevada-Las Vegas soccer match in 1994.

While at Running Rebels match, he had a vision that would later change the course of history. After focusing intensely on the extremely animated UNLV goalkeeper Clint Larson, Lasseter decided that he would be a perfect character for his future blockbuster movie Toy Story.

“I saw how intense and focused Clint was and thought he would be absolutely perfect for an animated character,” Lasseter explained last week in a Skype interview. “His face shape was also a feature that we really wanted to incorporate into the character of Buzz Lightyear.”

Larson – now an English teacher and soccer coach at PHS – was never informed of this Lasseter’s decision and had no idea he was the inspiration for Buzz Lightyear until a few years later, when he, like millions of others around the globe, saw the Disney / Pixar on the big screen.

“When watching the

By Maximus Cornelius Octavius

the prece-don’t

movie with my girlfriend (and future wife) at the midnight premier, she pointed out how similar I looked, but I thought it was an awful assumption,” Larson said. “� en my students started pointing out how much I looked like Buzz and I started

to believe it.”Larson now uses a Buzz

Lightyear � gurine as his hall pass as acknowledgement to this fact. He will appear to be embarrassed when a student recognizes his true identity, but deep down he is a very proud man.

“I am proud that I had the opportunity to have Buzz Lightyear as my teacher. It’s a story I can tell my grandchildren,” said former student Lenny Zmall. “Even though he made fun of me sometimes, actually most of the time, he was still my

favorite teacher.”PHS administrators said

that they are lucky to have Larson on the sta� . � ey added that he is a special person who has inspired students and given them memories that will last from in� nity and beyond.

photo published with permission from DisneyEnglish teacher Clint Larson inspired Disney / Pixar executives in their Buzz Lightyear character in the Toy Story series.

By The Bengalian Beastthe prece-don’t

Freshmen to wear shock collars to prevent nonsense

Beginning with the class of 2015, shock collars will be mandatory for all squeaky-voiced freshmen at Perry. Due to a high decibel output from the mouths of the underclassmen, the collars are going to be used to control their loud, obnoxious behavior, according to assistant principal Marcus Williams.

Enforced by advisor to the principal Luci� o Sataner, administration designed this plan to silence the annoying youth.

“Look...me and the principal have been doing this for a long time,” Sataner said, “and never have I seen such aggravating students

that drive you mad. However, in the past we have used methods such as freezing tongues to poles, or students used as crash test dummies. Our new plan is both e� ective and debilitating.”

Experiments with sound-measuring devices determined that the decibel output of freshmen is louder than a snoring chihuahua.

Dilbert Poindexter, a current freshman who participated in the experiment, struggled to express his true feelings about the collars.

“You know I feel that….”Surprisingly, Poindexter

su� ered severe injuries and was not able to � nish the interview due to the over-tightened collar.

New study shows texting in class increases productivity

By Twinkle Toes Pipsthe prece-don’t

A new study performed by an educational psychologist from Germany, Dr. Freidrich Steinsenburgh, notes a correlation between students texting in class and productivity.

“When students text in class, their brain is actually far more stimulated than it would be if they were attempting to stay awake during their teacher’s science lecture,” Steinsenburgh said.

According to the study, American high school students spent roughly three percent of their school day actually taking notes or doing educational activities. � e other 97 percent of the day is most often spent socializing or “commencing in horseplay.”

� e study also mentions that the rapid usage of the neural circuits by texting, Tweeting, and Facebook-ing can actually be healthy for teens that could best be described as “vegetables.”

“Students have not cared about school work since the early 17th century, and consequently, texting has seen an amazing rise in popularity,” says phone company executive, Steve Billjobs.

� e study states that the teenage brain is highly stimulated by goofy, and often useless ramblings

carried electronically through texts. Students reportedly use texts as their primary means of communication.

“I can almost feel my brain growing in my head when I send messages, unless it’s from some creepy boy,” junior Sarah Charleson said.

With the age-old procedure of punishing students for this behavior now appearing worn, some teachers are taking a fresh approach to instructing. In some parts of the nation, teachers have started grading students based on their texting ability.

Math teacher George Starlinski of Portland said: “I have implemented a full hundred-point grading system based on � ve di� erent categories of texting ability, based on speed, accuracy, and legibility.”

Some speculate the “txt” speak will � nd its way into literature and other art forms. Others are challenged by the idea that this generation will proceed into the workforce without any common knowledge of history, science, or mathematics. Only time will tell what this generation will bring into the world.

photo published with permission from fl ikrResearchers discovered that texting in class helps students.

photo by Julianna AlabadoAsst. Principal Marcus Williams puts a shock collar on a freshman.

2 the prece-don’t || april fools 2011

Our Fake

For professional athletes,

one of the major bene� ts of making large salaries from their contracts is the ability to give back to the community. Athletes like Barry Zito and Chris Bosh have pledged monetary support for non-pro� t organizations looking to help di� erent social issues around the nation and world.

On April 1, Giants ace pitcher Tim Lincecum made a contribution of $1 million to local marijuana stores and pot smokers in the greater San Francisco area.

“You know, after I was pulled over (in 2009, for smoking marijuana), I felt like I could make a di� erence,” Lincecum told reporters. “� ere are a lot of people out there that could use it right now. Times are tough.”

Lincecum was pulled over in his home state of Washington in Nov. 2009. � e right-hander faced misdemeanor charges after police o� cers pulled his vehicle over for speeding down a local highway. � e two-time Cy Young Award winner was caught with possession of 3.3 grams, a small amount in comparison of the 40 grams it takes for it to be considered a serious crime.

While the contribution will make a di� erence in the San Francisco community, even local government o� cials who use weed for medical purposes doubt whether everyone will have enough weed.

“It’s not enough,” said one San Francisco government o� cial, who requested anonymity. “(Lincecum’s) gesture was nice, but what about the other capitols around the nation? How are they going to get their weed? More can be done for this. It’s de� nitely a pressing social issue.”

SPIKETOMASINY

the prece-don’t

Abusive Bench is seen in different light

and we are steadily growing, waiting patiently to gain the rights that we have always “right”- fully deserved.

Do you see what I did in that paragraph above? � e main focus of it was to rise up and gain rights. See the problem yet? Left handed people gaining rights would be like getting socks for Christmas. You need them but you don’t really want them. When asked about left handed rights, senior Maddie Rubio laughed until she croked. Literally.

� at is why I am going to start a campaign for left handed people to get something better than rights. Left handed people should get cupcakes. � at is why I am dubbing April 4th Give a Left Handed Person Cupcakes Day. Everyone knows that cupcakes are better than rights. You ask why? You can’t eat rights.

What if you were born di� erent from everyone else? What if you were

born in a world that everything was wrong from what you naturally felt like doing?

� is is a problem that left handed people have to go through daily. Do you know how many times I have been ridiculed for being left handed? All of the time.

Being left handed is the best thing since burnt toast. You ask how burnt toast is great? It isn’t.

� e reason it is not great is because everything is backwards. It is not easy to survive in a world that feels completely di� erent. When asked about how being left handed hindered his life, senior Noraa Olden said, “Ummm, I’m not left handed.”

� e most asked question I have received about being left handed is, “why are you left handed?” My answer is simple: I don’t know.

I don’t know why left handed people are still around, I mean natural selection should have annihilated my kind many years ago. We have been strong. We have been preparing to rebel against the tyrannical Right Handed Empire

Oh, those lefties - 10% of the worlds’

population is left handed

- Better at seeing underwater

- Left handed men who graduate college are 26% richer

than right handed men

- More athletically inclined

In recent sports history, a landmark piece of equipment is now having lawsuits raised against it. � e reason behind it? Abusive treatment. Uncontrollable � ts of anger have caused many athletes and coaches to mistreat the renowned bench because the bench has mistreated them, according to the suit.

When climbing o� the bench in the dugout, a Perry baseball player was severely wounded by the protruding corner of the steel. � e scene was a horror, according to eyewitnesses, as blood ran uncontrollably.

“It was that darned bench, working its fateful willpower again,” baseball fan Jared Sanders said. � e player was rushed to the intensive care unit, and now a lawsuit has been � led to raise awareness about the dangers of this lightly regarded metal equipment.

� is was certainly not the � rst time the bench’s conduct had been questioned.

During the football season a Marcos De Niza safety had a similar blunder with the testy bench.

After their o� ense failed to get a � rst down and the ball was turned over to PHS, the young man sprinted o� the bench.

According to the police report, the bench was not planning on him leaving.

“Timmy (the safety) was focused on the next play,” MdN coach Johnny Wrench said, “and when he started o� the bench it was like he was shot from behind. � at bench

cheap-shotted him!”� e bench used its legs to trip

Timmy and he was unable to play the remainder of the game.

“I think that had an impact on the game,” Wrench said. “We were in the game at that point. I think Perry knew that bench would help them win.”

Some could even swear that this

malicious steel contraption was chuckling as ankle tape was applied to the wound.

A full-blown trial will take place on April 17 in Maricopa County Superior Court. � e judge is said to have gone on the record as saying nothing will be taken lightly when a piece of metal has been the cause of two serious injuries - one blamed

for the loss of a game. (� e bench declined to comment to this story.)

For the time being a warning label has been applied to the bench: “Danger, if you sit on me you might just lose an important football game...and your life.”

According to the judge, all seats in the courtroom will be safe.

By Heziciah Carson the prece-don’t

By Sandy Sanderson the prece-don’t

Lefties: Why are we so different?World population experiencing a mad amount of southpaws

photo by Drew CrawfordThe aluminum benches on the PHS campus are facing serious charges for injuring athletes from around the Valley.

Presidents: Ronald Regan, Barack ObamaAuthors: James Baldwin, H.G. Wells

Musicians: Jimi Hendrix, SealArtists: Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Raphael

(if we had Donotello we’d have an entire Ninja Turtle....)

Actors: Tom Cruise, Angelina JolieAthletes: Pelé, Tish Johnson, Phil Mickleson, Randy Johnson,Oscar de la Hoya, Terry LabonteMiscellaneous: Joan of Arc, Julius Caesar, Hellen KellerCelebrities: Jay Leno, David Letterman, Ned Flanders

Source: University of Indiana

� e Prece-don’t is published by the student newspaper sta� of Perry High School. You probably didn’t need us to tell you, but � e Prece-don’t is fake. It is a news parody. � e stories are not real. � e quotes are not real. � e pictures are pretty much staged. In fact, this entire newspaper is a fake, and if you were o� ended by anything on these pages, take a deep breath: today is April Fools Day. By the way, � e Prece-don’t is not a re� ection of the opinions of Perry High School, � e Precedent, faculty, adviser or administration.

About Us

Perry High School1919 E. Queen Creek Rd.

Gilbert, AZ 85297480-224-2800

photo by Right HanderbergFor centuries, left handers have been oppressed. From water fountains that cater to the right handed, to scissors made for the righty and baseball coaches that say, “don’t worry about him, he’s a lefty,” why does the world still frown on the southpaw?

The world’s most famous wrong-handers

3the prece-don’t || april fools 2011

By Reed Halbergthe prece-don’t

Senior battles soulessness

Local boy, Rick Hilldire, recently discovered that he lost his soul.

When asked to relay his experience, Hilldire replied (emotionlessly): “It’s been about three weeks now and I guess I’ve gotten used to the idea. I mean, what else could I do?

“It’s funny to think that a month ago I assumed everything mattered. � at I was important.” He laughs without humor.

“It happened on March � fth. I was walking home from my racquetball game and I stopped to tie my shoe. When I got up I saw that I had stepped on a small black beetle or, as I like to say, attagenus unicolor.

“I pondered the life of this little bug and his incidental demise. He (assuming this wasn’t a lady bug, so to speak) must have been born to a mother, had siblings and maybe even a slender spouse with similar taste in aphids. � e best part of all this was that when I lifted my shoe to see the critter spattered on the underside, I didn’t care.

He paused. “Nope. Not one bit.”Friends saw the signs, but were unable to

believe what they meant until it was too late.“I kinda saw it coming. I had assumed

he had no soul in the � rst place so it makes sense,” former boy scout peer Cooper Carson said. “It all just clicked when I showed him a video of a baby laughing and he didn’t express any feeling.”

“I didn’t cry during Cast Away,” Hilldire admits. “� at’s how real it is.... I didn’t cry during the Lion King or � e Green Mile. I even laughed at the end of Titanic.... I did cry at the end of Pearl Harbor, but come on, I may not have a soul but I am still human.”

Although Hollywood does not envoke emotion in him any more, Hilldire claims that he still has the potential for a enriched future.

“You know, I don’t think it will a� ect my future. I have actually considered becoming a lawyer, so who knows? Maybe it’ll help me out.

“My parents are a little mixed about the whole thing. My mom is pretty progressive, so she accepts who I am. My dad though, he is a very ‘you gotta have a soul’ guy. We have moved apart ever since he found out. But whatever.”

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale have been ba� ed by Hilldire’s curious case, saying that the phenomenon isn’t very inexplicable at all. In fact, the collected data shows that Hilldire fell victim to a critical

See SOUL on page 5

By Colonal A. Sandersthe precedent

Nationwide survey confi rms no one cares about Arizona

Arizona has been in the global spotlight recently, o� ering a constant source of media fodder from the controversial SB 1070 to the ever-changing extravagance of the Grand Canyon.

However, � e Department for Understanding Matters aBroad (DUMaB) conducted a survey of 10,000 randomly selected American citizens and concluded that an astounding 0.0001% answered “Yes” to the question: “Does Arizona matter?” Doing the math, that adds up to one individual of the cumulative 10,000.

It was con� rmed that the one person considers Arizona of at least minimal signi� cance was none other than Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer.

“To be honest, I don’t know why I care,” Brewer says.

Similar surveys have been conducted by DUMaB over the last decade, placing Arizona at the bottom of the list of perceived importance, below Wyoming, Northern Canada and Eastern Australia.

“I cannot, will not, and do not believe,” Geo� rey Fatice, an Arizona metal worker says,

“that one person said that they cared! What idiot thinks this (expletive) state matters?”

� e analysis has the greatest statistical signi� cance of any survey taken on such a large scale, having a near perfect one-to-one correlation. � is anomaly ba� ed a team of Swedish analysts for nearly three weeks until one of them discovered what Arizona was.

“Oh,” the team leader Milton Herberdur says, “that makes sense.”

Perry High School sophomore Edwin McGarthy was asked whether or not he cared about Arizona but was immediately hospitalized after developing a mild brain aneurysm. Principal Dan Serrano was also interviewed, but declined to comment.

Pulitzer Prize winning geologist Mark Withakazacky notes: “If the San Andreas Fault actually kicks in, Arizona might start to matter. But that’s at least three years from now and it might only make people dislike the beach.”

Withakazachy has been working with notable genealogists for the past three years, striving to make someone care about Arizona, but to no avail.

“Look, Arizona is the least important place on the Earth; as far as I’m concerned that is more of a law than that of gravity.”

Arizona’s insigni� cance is certain at this point, but whether or not it will matter in the future is up for debate. Whether or not anyone cares enough to debate is a whole other story.

photo by Luca GaluzziThrough all of the distress that Arizona has caused itself over recent years, many Arizonans wondered if their state mattered. Forget the Grand Canyon, SB 1070 and fl oating the Salt River - a poll showed that less than one percent of people even care about the state.

4 reviews || the precedent || april 2011

By Julianna Alabadothe precedent

Just scan the barcode with your smartphone to follow The Precedent on Facebook and Twitter.

photos by Tim Trumble PhotographyMaria (Paige Mattox) sings to the von Tromp children in a scene from Broadway Palm Dinner Theater’s The Sound of Music. The famous musical will be playing at the theater through April 9. For information about tickets go to www.broadwaypalmwest.com.

‘Sound of Music’ at dinner theater a worth-while production Show overcomes lengthy first act; cuisine anddesign well done

The Arizona hills were alive with the sound of music at Broadway Palm’s premiere of “The Sound of Music” Feb. 17. With local talent from around the Valley, this beloved musical celebrates the Broadway Palm Dinner Theater’s tenth anniversary season, and people were lining up at the door to see it.

When guests entered the doors to the mainstage theater that plays host to dining hall before the show, they were warmly welcomed by a gleaming staff to sit, eat, and enjoy prior to the show. After getting full to everyone’s hearts content, special guest, George Dyer performed a number from the Branson Concert Series.

Once the smiles and winks to the ladies in the audience subsided, the room was ready to be entertained by the actors who would soon fill the stage.

Most of the on-looking audience was familiar with “The Sound of Music” and everyone smiled with excitement when the all familiar tunes “Maria,” “Do-Re-Mi,” “Sixteen Going on Seventeen,” and “So Long Farewell” filled the room.

However, the opening act seemed to take a long time to unfold, and we noticed some audience member’s attention beginning to

drift.Despite the lengthy first act, the show

was strongly carried by Paige Mattox (Maria) and the von Trapp children, who managed to

regain the interest of the audience through some technical problems and microphone issues.

Donovan Fiore (Friedrich) and Payton

Bioletto (Brigita) were two stand out Trapp children who had the audience loving every minute they were on stage.

The production will feature two companies of the von Trapp family who will alternate performances. Altogether the cast was strong, with a few weaker points in the scenes without the children.

With costumes much like those that can be seen in the famous movie version of the show, the performance looked aesthetically pleasing and well put together.

“The Sound of Music” will run until April 9 with performances Tuesday through Sunday. Dinner and a show ticket prices range from $22 for kids to $49 for adults.

Broadway Palm has put together a nice production of the classic story families everywhere will enjoy. The show had everyone in full smiles by the end, and was an overall hit with the audience.

Caroline Wagner plays Sis-ter Berthe in “The Sound of Music” at the Tempe Broad-way Palm Dinner Theater.