Otis (Selected Sinners MC #3) -...
Transcript of Otis (Selected Sinners MC #3) -...
OTIS
ScottHildreth
DEDICATIONMyfirstintroductiontoamotorcycleclubwasoveradecadeago.Inashortperiodoftimeridingwiththem,itwasapparentwhymenchosetobecomemembersofsuch
clubs.ThecamaraderiewithintheranksoftheMCwasindescribable.Tocallthemenbrotherswouldbeanunderstatementatbest.
AyoungmanwhowasaProspectfortheclubwasdeniedhispatchwhenhis
probationaryperiodwasover.
Immediatelyfollowingthedenialofhispatch,he
committedsuicideathomeinfrontofhiswife.
Ranger,thisone’sforyou.
AUTHOR’SNOTETHISBOOKISAWORK
OFFICTION.
Allnames,locations,club
names,andincidentsinthisbookareafigmentofthe
author’simagination,andaredepictedinaworkoffictioninallregards.Anylikenesstofactispurecoincidence.Theclubdepictedinthisbook
doesnotexist;itwascreatedforthisbook.Lastly,the
colorsdepictedinthecover
anddescribedinthisbookareacreationofgraphicartistry,andarenotactuallythecolorsforanyMotorcycleClub
knowntoexistbytheauthor.
COPYRIGHT
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancestoactual
events,locales,orpersonslivingordead,arecoincidental.OTIS1stEditionCopyright©2015byScottHildreth
Allrightsreserved.InaccordancewiththeU.S.CopyrightActof1976,the
scanning,uploading,andelectronicsharingofanypartofthisbookwithoutthepermissionoftheauthororpublisherconstituteunlawfulpiracyandtheftoftheauthor’sintellectualproperty.Ifyouwouldliketousethematerialfromthebook(otherthanforreviewpurposes),
priorwrittenpermissionmustbeobtainedbycontactingtheauthoratdesignconceptswichita@gmail.comThankyouforyoursupportoftheauthor’srights.
CovertartbyJessicawww.creativebookconcepts.wordpress.com
FollowmeonFacebookat:
www.facebook.com/sd.hildreth
LikemeonFacebookat:www.facebook.com/ScottDHildreth
FollowmeonTwitterat:@ScottDHildreth
PROLOGUEAmandressedinadarkbluewell-fittedsuitwalked
methodicallytowardtheedgeoftheconferencetable.AfterexchangingglanceswiththeATFagentsseatedontheoppositesideoftheroom,hehesitated.Asheadjustedhistie,heexhaledanaudiblesigh.FilledwithhatredforallOutlawMotorcycleGangs,hishandsbegantoshake
fromanticipationofthependingarrestshebelievedhisbranchwascertaintomake.Eventually,tostabilizehishandsanddisguisetheshaking,heplacedthemflatonthesurfaceofthetableasheleanedforward.
Afterclearinghisthroat,hespoke.
“SpecialAgentPintler,theGrandJurytestimonyisparamounttotheprosecutionofthiscase.Howmuchadditionaltimeisnecessary?”heasked.
Pintler,dressedinjeans,boots,andaleathervestadornedwithaSelectedSinnerspatch,straightened
hispostureasheraisedhishandstothesidesofhisface.Nowrubbinghistemplesnervouslywiththetipsofhisfingers,heinhaledadeepbreath,sighed,andfixedhisgazeontheDirectorofOperations.
“Afewmoreweeks,amonthatmost,”Pintlersaid
underhisbreathasheloweredhishandstothethighsofhisfadeddenimjeans.
TheDirectorofOperationsreleasedtheedgeofthetablefromhisgraspandtookasteprearward.Clearlyfrustrated,heplacedhishandsintothepocketsof
hisslacks.Ashefumbledtofindhis1yearsobrietycoinhehadrecentlyreceivedfromhisAlcoholicsAnonymousgroup,hebitintohislowerlipslightly.
“IwantthisOMG,theSelectedShitheads-orwhateverthey’recalled-outofthepicture,Pintler.These
sons-of-bitchesareanup-and-cominggroupofoutlawsthatiscertaintobeahugethreatiflefttotheirowndevices.NeedIremindyouofyourresponsibilitynotonlytothebureau,buttothebranch,andtothecitizensoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica?”heaskedashe
nervouslyrubbedthecoinbetweenhisthumbandforefinger.
Pintlerstoodfromhisseatashecontinuedtopressthepalmsofhishandsagainsthisthighs.
“Idon’tneedareminder.I’mwellfuckingawareofmyresponsibilities,
Sir.YouknowaswellasIdo,aswellaseveryoneelseinthisroom,andeveryoneintheGoddamneddivisionforthatfuckingmatter,thatnothavingallofthefactsofthecaseinorderwillleadtoajuryfindinganotguiltyverdict.Hell,ajudgewouldthrowthisfuckingcaseoutof
courtifwetriedtoprosecuteitrightnow.I’mcurrentlyputtingpiecestogetherforthemurderofoneoftheirownbythecurrentSergeant-At-ArmsandthePresident,TodelliandBishop.Ididn’tdirectlywitnessthekilling,buttherehavebeeninferencesmadethatleadmetobelieve…”
Pintlerpausedashetuggedatthebottomofhisleathervest.
Ashereleasedhisvesthecrossedhismassivearmsinfrontofhischestandcontinued.
“ThelocalLEAdeclareditasuicide,butthere’sbeensomediscussionitwastiedtothesaleofthe
firearmstotheHispanicganglistedinmyreportearlierthisspring;AprilorMay,Idon’tremember.Ibelieveitwaspossiblyretaliationforaninsider-aSinner-settinguparobberyduringthesale.”
“ThisfieldinvestigationiscurrentlythelongestinATFhistory,
Pintler.It’sbecomingpainfullyobviousyourmindandjudgementareclouded.You’reactingasifamurderis…”hepausedandshookhisheadashecontinuedtorubhisthumbagainstthecoin.
Thedirectorpulledhishandsfromhispocketsandnarrowedhisgaze,“You’re
actingasifmurderingsomeoneisjustanotherdayinthelifeofagentPintler.You’rebecomingoneofthem.You’vebeeninsidethisgrouptoodamnedlong.I’mafraidyourvisionhasbecomeblurred.YourallegianceandalliancearewiththemenandwomenoftheUnitedStates,
theATF,andtheDepartmentofJustice.Rememberthat.”
ItbotheredPintlerhowthedirectorspokeofthegroupasiftheSelectedSinnersweren’tmembersoftheUnitedStates,butoutsiders.Frustrated,andwithoutconsciouslydecidingtodoso,SpecialAgent
Pintlerbeganwalkingtowardtheexit.Asthedirectorcontinuedtospeak,heslowlywalkedtowardthedoor,uncertainoftheclosingremarksthedirectormade.
AsSpecialAgentPintlerreachedforthedoor,heglancedoverhisshoulder,“Isthatall?”
“Iwantarrests,notexcuses,”thedirectorbarked.
Pintleropenedthedoor,hesitated,andturnedtofacethedirector.Afterstudyinghimforashortmoment,heturnedandwalkedthroughthedoor.Astheresentmentwithinhimmounted,hesilentlywalked
totheelevator,insertedhiskeyintotheswitchlocatedbesidethebuttonpad,andturnedittotherightaquarterofaturn.Hepressedthebuttonleadingtothebasementparkingandstareddownathisboots.Inamatterofthirtyminuteshewasexpectedtobeinattendance
foranemergencymeetingwiththeSelectedSinnersMC.Theridetotheclubhousewouldnormallytakehimforty-fiveminutes.Astheelevatordooropened,hemethodicallycheckedthebasementforanyonlookers.AfteraquicksurveyoftheparkingfloorreservedforUS
MarshalsandATFagentsrevealednothingoutofplace,hesighedandwalkedtohismotorcycle.
Whilethesoundofthemotorcycle’sexhaustechoedthroughtheconcretebasement,SpecialAgentPintlercheckedhiswatch.
Eighteenminutesuntil
twoo’clock.
Ashesqueezedtheclutchleverinhishand,thepitofhisstomachfilledwithworry.IneachandeverymeetingheattendedwiththeSelectedSinnersMC,hewasatrisk.HeknewifthegroupofmeneverdeterminedhewasanAgentwiththeATF,
orevensuspecteditforthatmatter,hewouldbekilled.
Itwasarisk,atleastinitially,hewaswillingtotake.Consideringthetimehehadbeeninthefield,andhisevergrowingunderstandingofthedepthofthebrotherhoodoftheMC,hewasbeginningtosecond
guessifhewouldbeabletotestifyagainstthemenwhohadacceptedhimasabrother.
Pintlerreleasedtheclutchandspedoutoftheparkinggarage.Hismindfilledwithwonderoverwhohisloyaltieswerecurrentlyalignedwith.Overtheyears,
hehadbecometwoseparatepeoplewithtwoclearlydifferentagendas.HewasanagentwiththeATFwhohadtakenavowtoprotecttheUnitedStatesfromcertaintypesofcriminals,andhewasafullypatchedmemberoftheSelectedSinnersMC.Whenpushcametoshove,he
wouldberequiredtotakeastandononesideortheother.
Time,hedecided,wouldtell.Fornowheknew,assoonasherodefromtheconfinesofthegarage,hebecameaSinner.AndaSinnerhewouldremainuntilhereturnedtotheATFoffices.
OTISAxtoncrossedhisarms,flexedhisbiceps,andclenchedhisjawmusclesas
hesurveyedthegroupofmen.Hewasaspredictabletomeasanymancouldbe.Histelltalesignswereclear-atleasttome.Hewasaggravatedwithsomething,andwantedeveryoneinattendancetorealizehislevelofdisgust.Amuchmoreemotionalmanthanme,
Axtonbelievedinthevalueofintimidation.Personally,IwasmorereservedthanmostoftheSelectedSinners,andpreferredtoactoverspeakinginanauthoritativemanner.Tome,Axtonwaseasytoread.Totheothermembersoftheclub,hewasanunpredictableGod.Thefact
hewaspresidentoftheMCelevatedhimbyeveryone’sstandards,andhisintimidatingnatureplacedhimevenhigherintheeyesofsomemen.Istoodquietlywithmyarmscrossedandwaitedforhimtospeak.
“Wellfellas,we’vegotaclearfuckingmesson
ourhands.TheBandidosandtheCossacksareatwar,andtheATFiscomingdownonMC’shardalloverthecountry.Rightnow,they’vegot200meninjailonchargesofconspiracytocommitcapitalmurder,andIsuspectthey’llarrestmanymore.AsI’vesaidoverand
over,”hepaused,uncrossedhisarms,androlledhisshouldersrearward.
“Weneedtokeepourshitwiredtight.Thesesons-of-bitcheswillmakeanyconnectiontheycantotieusupandchargeusundertheRICOact.Aslongaswe’renotdealinginillegalarms,
we’vegotnothingtoworryabout.NowI’mnottryingtogetintoyourbusinessasindividuals,butifyou’vegotillegalfirearmsinyourpersonalarsenal;unregisteredmachineguns,shortbarreledrifles,silencedweapons,sawed-offshotguns,orfuckingrocketpropelled
grenades,leavethosefuckersathome.Idon’twant‘emhereoronyourbikes,andIdon’twanttheclubexposedtotheproblemstheycreate.Understood?”
Mostinattendanceeithernoddedorgaveanaudibleacknowledgementofsomesort.Afterheglanced
overhisshouldersandslowlystudiedthegroup,hiseyesbecamefixedonPete,whobegantogrumbleexpletivesunderhisbreathfromtherearofthegroup.
Axtoncranedhisneckandgazedtowardtherearofthegroup.
“Thereaproblem
backthereIneedtoknowabout,Pete?”Axtongrowled.
Petepulledagainsthislongbeardwithhisrighthandasheseemedtoconsiderhisresponse.
“Iain’tsayingIdo,andIain’tsayingIdon’t,butlet’ssayafellahasacoupleofillegalfirearmslikeyou’re
talkin’about.AslongAsthey’rehisproperty,andnotclubproperty,what’stheproblem?”Petegruntedashereleasedhisbeardfromhisgrasp.
“Listenup,fellas,”Axtonshoutedasheraisedhishandsintheair.
“Peteaskeda
question.Hewantstoknowhowafellahavingillegalweaponsbecomesaclubissue,andwhyitdoesn’tremainoneofpersonalnature.Here’sthething.Ifyougetinapinchwiththelaw,andyou’vegotillegalweaponswhentheysearchyourhouse,theycan’tmakea
tiebetweenwhatyou’vegotathomeandtheclub.But,ifyou’rewiththeclub,oronclubproperty,andyou’reinapositiontobesearchedandtheweaponsarefound,youimmediatelyputtheclubatrisk.They’llbeabletosayyoupossessedtheweaponswhileactingasaclub
member,andthey’llsaytheweaponsweregoingtobesoldbytheclub,orthattheywereclubproperty.Theycallitconstructivepossession.It’sdifferentthanactivepossession,whichisactuallyhavingphysicalpossession.Believeme,Idon’tlikeitanymorethanyoudo,butallI’m
askingisthatyouleaveyourillegalweaponsathome.Ifthey’relegitimate,doasyouplease.I’maskingthatregardlessofwhetherornotyouthinkyou’regoingtogetcaught,toleaveyourbadboytoysathome,outofrespectfortheclub.AmImakingfuckingsense?”Axtonasked.
“Fuckingcops,”Petegrunted.
Axtonnoddedhishead,“That’sright,Pete.Fuckingcops.”
Axtonlookedaroundtheroom.Allmembersinattendancenoddedtheirheads.
“Sowhatexactly
happenedinWaco,Texas?Wealrightdownthere?”Mikeasked.
Axtonsighedashecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischest.“TheTexasSinnersarefine.Asyouknow,wehavepermissiontowearourTexasrocker,andwepayourduesfaithfully.I’mnothere
tryingtoknockanotherclub,andthisismostlyrumor,butit’saprettysolidrumor.WeallknowTexasisaBandidostate.TheCossackswereinitiallypayingtheirduestotheBandidostoweartheTexasrocker,buteitheroutofprideorsheerstupiditytheystopped.Theythought
theywerebigenoughandbadenoughtogoupagainsttheBandidos.Afewweekslater,agroupofBandido’ssawaCossackridingthroughtownandforcedhimofftheroad.Theyhitthefuckerintheheadwithahammerandtookhiscut.Afewweeksafterthat,sixCossackssawalone
Bandido,forcedhimtothesideoftheroadandstolehisfuckin’bike.Afterafewmoreweeks,aquarterlycoalitionmeetingwasscheduledtodiscusslegislativeissues,andtheyrentedtheoutsideportionoftheTwinPeaksrestauranttohavethemeeting.”
“Havingaquarterlymeetingatabreastaurant.Nowthat’swhatI’mtalkingabout.Titties,beer,andbrotherhood,”Biscuitchuckled.
AxtonraisedhishandtosilenceBiscuit.
“So,onthedaybeforethemeeting,Cossacksstarted
postingpicturesoftheircolorsonFacebook,showingtheTexasrockersthey’dsewnontheircuts.WithoutadoubttheyhadcalledtheBandidosoutbyflyingtherocker,andtheBandidoshadtoact.WhentheCossacksshowedupatthemeetingwiththeTexasrockersewnto
theircut,thewarbegan,”Axtonexplained.
“Disrespectfulpricks,”Biscuitsighed.
“That’sright,”Axtonnodded,“It’saboutrespect.Peopledon’tunderstandit,butthat’swhatitboilsdownto.ItwasblatantdisrespecttowardtheBandidos.Cops
aretryingtomakeitsoundlikeMC’sarewagingwaroncopsorevenonsociety,butweknowbetter.Hell,youdon’tgointoagaybarandscreamIhatefagswithoutexpectingafight,”hepausedandturnedtowardToad.
“Andyoudon’twalkintoaroomfullofMarines
andcall‘emdumbfuckingjarheads.NordoyourideinTexas,aBandidoownedstate,wearingaTexasrockerwithouteitherpayingyourtaxorhavingBandidopermission.It’sallaboutrespect.That’sasmuchasIknow.Arethereanyotherquestionsaboutthat?”
“Howmanydead?”Fancyasked.
“Nine,mostareprobablydeadatthehandsofthereturnedfirefromthecops.Ballisticsaren’tin,butmarkmywords,whenit’sover,it’llbethecopsthatkilledmostof‘em.Roughly200areinjail,andcharged
underRICOoncapitalmurdercharges,”Axtonrespondedinanauthoritativetone.
ToadturnedtowardAxtonandshruggedhisshoulders,“TalkedtoA-Trainyesterday.HesaidRippandDekkgotpulledoverandquestionedyesterdaymorning
whentheywereridingtothegym,andthey’renoteven1%ers.”
Axtonnoddedhisheadinagreement,“That’swhatI’mtalkingabout.Mostcitycopsdon’tknowthedifference,andthenewsissayingMC’sarewagingwaroncopsinretaliation.It’sjust
moreproofofhowthemediausesthenewsagainstallofus.Hell,theylovethisshit.Now,iftherearen’tanyotherquestionsonthat,Ihaveoneotherissueweneedtodiscuss.”
Axtonlookedaroundtheroom.Afterabsorbingthefewsecondsofthesilence,he
inhaledashallowbreathandcontinued.
“Asyouknow,thetrialforyourSergeant-At-Arms’futurebrother-in-lawiscomingupnextweek.He’sbeeninprisonforquitesometime,andhasbeenawardedanewtrialonappeal.I’vegotmixedemotionsabouthowto
handlethis.It’sacasewiththeATF,andtherewillbeATFagentsincourttestifying,observing,andjustbeingtheassholesthattheyare.Weneedtoshowsupporttothismanandhaveapresence,butI’mwonderingjusthowmanyofusneedtoattendthetrial?”
“FuckthempussieswiththeATF.Isayeveryavailablemanneedstoshowup.It’smyGodgivenrighttoattend,”Biscuithowled.
Axtonnoddedhishead,“Itcertainlyis.Butwedon’twanttoswaythejuryonewayoranother.Alargepresence,consideringwhat
happenedinWacowiththeBandidos,justmightworkagainsthim.”
Biscuitshookhishead,“Andhavingjustacoupleofthefellastheremakesitlooklikenobodygivesashitabouthim.Hell,ifthecourtroom’sempty,thejurywillthinkhe’sapieceof
shit.Isaywehaveeveryavailablebodyinattendance,andwedointimidatethejury.Intimidatethemintothinkingiftheydon’tfindhimnotguilty,we’lldorighthereinWichitawhattheBandidosdidinTexas.ShootthecourtroomintoabigpieceofSwissfuckin’cheese.Let‘em
thinkwhatevertheywantto.Hell,theycanwonderifwe’regoingtoshowupattheirhousesafterwardandburnthemtothefuckin’groundforthatmatter.”
IconsideredwhatBiscuitsaidaboutintimidatingthejury.Therewasnodoubtifthejurysawa
tremendouspresence,they’dbeintimidated.Hell,anyoneseeingahugepresenceof1%ersintheircutswasintimidated.Subconsciously,theywouldprobablyleantowardanotguiltyverdictforfearofretaliationalone.
“Slice,I’vegottoagreewithBiscuitonthis
one,”Ibreathed.
“Ifwe’reinthecourtroomthirtyorsodeep,thejuryisgoingtobeasnervousasabunchofwhoresinchurch.Theymayfindhimnotguiltyforfearofretaliationalone.Let’susethemassacreinTexastoouradvantage.”
Axtonstareddownatthefloorforalongmoment.Ashelookedup,hecrossedhisarmsandgazedblanklyintothecrowd.
“TrialstartsMonday,andbeginswithjuryselection.Howmanycanattend?Iunderstandifyou’vegottowork,butwe’retalking
aboutthatcasewiththeATFsettingthisfellauponmurder,andhe’sthebrotheroftheSergeant-At-ArmsOl’Lady.JacksonShephardwithHells’Fury,roadnameisKiller.Now,byashowofhands,whocanattend?”Axtonasked.
Armsshotintotheair.
Igazedaroundtheroom.EverymanIcouldseehadhisarmraised.IglancedtowardToadandpattedhimontheshoulder.
“Wellfuck.Ifwe’regoingtoshowup,Isayweshowup.I’llcalltheotherchaptersandseewhoelsecanattend.Ihopethecourtroom
isabigfucker,”Axtonchuckled.
Toadsmiledandnoddedinapparentappreciationasheglancedaroundtheroom.Sydney’sbrotherwastheonlyfamilyshehad,andhavinghimtakenawayhadtakenatollonheremotionally,andleft
herfeelingaloneforthemajorityofheradultlife.Ifhecouldbefreedfromprison,notonlywoulditallowhertohaveherfamilybackinplace,itwouldsetalegalprecedentregardingtheATFandentrapmentofmembersofaMC.Awininthiscasewouldbehugefor
MC’sacrossthenation.
Axtonsighedashestudiedthegroup,“Avery’sgoingtobethere,andSydneywillbeaswell,soifforsomereasonyouwanttobringyourOl’Ladies,that’llbefine.Andremember,we’renotonlythereforKiller,we’retheretoshowsupportfor
Sydney.Thisisgoingtobeatoughoneforherifhe’sfoundguiltyagain.”
IviewedAveryandSydneyasiftheyweremyyoungersisters.Seeingharmcometotheminanywaywasbeyondcomprehension,regardlessofwhetherornotitwasphysicaloremotional.A
largeshowingincourtwouldnotonlyshowsupportSydney’sbrother,butSydneyandAveryaswell.Averyspentlonghoursassemblingthepaperworktoreceiveanewtrialforhim,andobtainingitwasavictoryinitself.Citinglawandrecentapplicablefederalcasestothe
appellatecourt,shewasinstrumentalinthetrialbeingawarded.Sittinginthecourtroomwouldnotonlybeinteresting,itwouldpayrespecttoherforallthehardworkshedidinrequestinganewtrial.
Personally,attendingthetrialwasn’tsomethingI
feltIneededtodo;itwassomethingIhadtodo.
Asamatterofrespect.
OTISHavingawomanfitmewasnearimpossible,asIhadsomeprettyseriousissuestrustingpeople.Iwouldnever
describemyselfasparanoid,andinfact,Iwasquitetheopposite.Iwasmoreofarealist,andrealisticallyspeaking,peopleseemedtoalwayspresstheirnosesintocracksandcrevicesofaperson’slifewheretheyjustdidn’tbelong.Formetogettoknowawomanwould
requireexposingmyselftoher,andindoingso,Itookatremendousrisk.Mylife,lifestyle,anddaytodayactivitiesweren’tsomethingIcouldtrustanyonewith,maleorfemale.EvenspendingshortperiodsoftimewithpeopleIdidn’tknowexposedme,theclub,andmyclub
brotherstopotentialscrutiny.And,fortheSelectedSinners,somethingassimpleasaveryshallowexaminationwouldcertainlyrevealmorethanwewerepreparedtoallowoutsiderstoseeorattempttotryandunderstand.Placingmeunderamicroscopewasonething,butpotentially
placingmyMCBrothersinharm’swaywassomethingIwasn’teverwillingtoeverjeopardize.
Takingtherisktoevenmeetawomanwasdifficultforme.Meetingawomanwouldpotentiallycausemetowanttonaturallyknowmoreabouther.
Knowingmorewouldrequiremoreexposure.Moreexposureequaledmorerisk,andtheriskgrewwitheverythingshelearnedaboutme.Intime,ifIfoundoutsheeithercouldn’tbetrustedorshewasn’twhatIwaslookingfor,thedamage,sotospeak,wasalreadydone.The
lifeofa1%erwasadifficultone,andmanyoutsidersdidn’tunderstandwhattheyperceivedasarroganceorconceitwithintheranksofoutlawbikerswheninfactitwasnothingmorethanafaçadeusedtopreservewhatitwaswebelievedin.
Freedom.
WhenIwasyoung,longbeforeIbecameaSinner,lifewasdifferent.Inhighschool,andforseveralyearsfollowingmygraduation,therewasawomaninmylife;awomanIloveddearly.ShewaseverythingIneeded,almosteverythingIwanted,andwe
fiteachotherperfectly.Onethingkeptmefromspendingtherestofmylifewithher.
Myselfishness.
Shewantedafamily,andIyearnedforfreedom.Atthetime,Iperceivedchildrenasanannoyanceandanobstaclebetweenmeandaworldwhichwasotherwise
freeofconfinementandrestriction.WeseparatedwhenIwastwenty-oneyearsold,andIhadspentalifetimeregrettingit.Sincethen,Ihadbeenwithveryfewwomen,buteachoneImetremindedmeofthesamething–justhowextraordinarySamwas.
Afterhaving
experiencedthelovesheandIshared,attemptingtoacceptsomeoneelseasanywhereclosetoherequalwastoadmitIhadaspecialprocedureforshovingasquarepegintoaroundhole.Therewouldneverbeasoulonearthtocompletelyfilltheholesheleftinsideofme,and
admittingitallowedmetoacceptalifeofsolitudeasbeingnotonlywhatIneeded,butwithoutadoubtwhatIdeserved.
Livinginmyself-imposedwomanlesshellhadsomebenefits.ThefreedomIonceyearnedforwasnowwellwithinmygrasp.Mylife
hadnorestrictionsandveryfewregulationsIwasrequiredtoadhereto.IhadtheabilitytodowhateverIwanted,wheneverIpleased,withoutansweringtoanyone.
Well,almostanyone.Asmymotherbent
downandopenedtheoven,sheturnedherheadtothe
sideandwidenedhereyesslightly,“They’resayingonthenewsthepolicewerethreatenedbysomeofthemotorcycleclubs,Steve.Theythreatenedthosepoorofficerswithretaliation.Idon’tlikethatatall.Peoplearesupposedtorespectlawenforcementofficers.For
heaven’ssake,yourfatherwasapoliceofficer.”
“Ma,they’refullofshit,noonethreatenedthecops.Ifforsomereasononeofthoseclubswantedtodosomething,they’djustdoit,theydamnedsurewouldn’tannounceitorwarnthecops.Andit’sprettytoughforme
torespectsomecitycopwheneverytimeIturnaroundthey’reshootinganotherunarmedcitizenforhavingataillightthatdoesn’tworkorforarguingwiththemaboutatrafficticket.Serveandprotect.That’stheirjob.It’sdamnedsurenotwhatwegetfromthemanymore,isit?”I
shrugged.
“Theysaidtheyrecoveredahundredandfiftyweapons,it’sprettyobvioustomethosemencamewithkillingontheirminds.Itmakesmenervoushavingyouandyourfriendsoutthereridinganywherenearthosethugs,”shesaidoverher
shoulderasshesituatedthecasseroledishonthecountertop.
“They’renotthugs,ma.AnditwasinTexas.EveryoneisarmedinTexas.They’retryingtomakeitsoundlikeitwasanall-outwar,butitwasnothingmorethanabarfightandthecops
cameandshoteveryoneup.Hell,ifyouwenttoWal-MartinTexasandroundedupeveryoneinitandsearchedthem,I’dbewillingtobetmorethanseventy-fivepercentofthemwouldbearmed.I’mtiredoftalkingaboutit,”Icomplained.
Sheturnedtofaceme
andplacedherhandsonherhips,“Well,itmakesmenervous.Idon’twantyouoranyofyourfriendshurtifyougotooneofthoseget-togethers.”
Mymotherwasfifty-nineyearsold,andappearedtobemuchyounger.Shewasasmallwoman,standing
barelyoverfivefeettall,andweighedroughlyonehundredpounds.Iattributedthemajorityofherpreservedappearanceandyouthfullookstothefactsherarelyleftthehouse,andspentmostofhertimeeithercleaningorpreparingmealsformyfather,whowasamirror
imageofme.
“We’renotgoingtogethurt,ma.Notunlesssomecopdecidestoshootoneofus,”Ichuckled.
AsIheardmyfather’sfootstepscomingintothekitchen,Iturnedtofacehim,hopinghehadheardatleastaportionofwhatwewere
talkingabout.Hisopinionmatteredtomymother,andhewasnotmuchdifferentthanmeinhisjudgementoftoday’spoliceofficersandtheirpoordecisions.
“Ken,talktoyourson,”mymothersighedasshefoldedthetowelthatdangledfromherfingers.
“Myson?He’sourson,Marge.Whatarewetalkingabout?”hechuckledasheslappedhishandagainstmyback.
“Game’soverandtheRoyalswon.Bestteamintheleague,”hebraggedasherubbedhishandstogether.
“It’sabouttime,”I
laughed,makingreferencetothefacttheKansasCityRoyalshadn’tdoneanythinggoodinbaseballsincethe1980’s.
Iglancedatmymotherforasecond,andshiftedmygazetowardmyfather,“Weweretalkingaboutthebikershoot-outin
Texas.Ma’safraidthefellasandIaregonnagethurtifwe’rehangingaroundthethugswhowereatthebarinTexas.Itoldhertheonlywayanyofuswouldgethurtisifoneofthosetrigger-happycopsdecidedtoshootatusforgettinginafistfight.”
Asfarasmymother
andfatherwereconcerned,Iwaspartofagroupofmenthatlovedridingmotorcyclestogether.Theyeitherdidn’twanttoacceptorwereafraidtoadmitthatIwastheVicePresidentofa1%erMC.Ididn’tpresstheissueortrytoexplainanything,andtheydidn’task.Forthemto
understandjustwhatitwastheclubofferedmeortolearnofandcomprehendourday-to-dayactivitieswouldbenothingshortofimpossible.
“That’sthedamnedtruthMarge.Thatwholethingstinks.Theysaidtheotherdaytheshootingwasinside
thebar.Nowthey’resayingitwasoutside.Theofficerinchargeoriginallysaidthepolicereturnedfirewhenthebikersshotatthem.Nowthefilmfromthesecuritysystemofthebarhasbeenreviewed,anditlooksliketheonlyshootingwasfromthepoliceofficers.Thewholething
makesmesick.Copstodayaretoodamnedtriggerhappy.Hell,Imadehundredsofarrests,andneverpulledmyservicerevolveronce,”myfatherexplainedashewalkedtowardthecasseroledishandpeereddownattheconcoctionmymotherhadcooked.
Myfatherworkedforthirtyyearsasapoliceofficer,andhadretiredunharmed.Henowattemptedtomaintainhissanitybyworkingpart-timeatalocalhardwarestore,whichseemedtoworkwellforhim.Stillstandingsixfootfiveatsixty-twoyearsold,hewasin
goodphysicalandmentalcondition.Hisjobkepthimbusyenoughthathecontinuedtofeelhislifewasworthwhile,anditallowedalittlephysicalseparationfrommymotherduringtheday,which,accordingtohim,wasnecessary.
“Ijustdon’twanthim
togethurt,”mymothersighed.
“He’sabigboy,Marge.He’llbefine.Hell,he’sgotthatMarinebyhissidehalfthetime,nobody’sgoingtomesswithhim,”myfathersaidunderhisbreathashewalkedtowardthedishmymotherhadplacedonthe
countertop.
“Whathavewegothere,Marge?”myfatheraskedashepokedthetopofthecasserolewithhisfingertip.
“It’sarecipeIgotoffofPinterest,”mymotherresponded,“Enchiladacasserole.”
“Youknow,weateforthirtyyearswithoutPinterest.NowitseemseverytimeIturnaround,we’retryingsomethingnewthatsomeshit-headinSanFranciscocooked,tookafewpicturesof,andpostedarecipe.They’reprobablysittingbacktherenow
laughingatallthepeopletryingtocookthatshit.Justbecausetheytookaprettypictureofitdoesn’tmeanittastesgood,”myfathergrowledasheshookhishead.
“Whatarewegoingtoeatwithit?”heaskedasheglancedaroundthekitchen.
“I’llsliceupan
avocadoandafewtomatoes.It’ssupposedtobeacompletemeal,”mymothershruggedassheturnedtowardtherefrigerator.
Myfatherglancedatthecasseroledish,turnedtowardme,andshruggedhisshoulders.
“It’sanywonderI
haven’tstarvedtodeathsinceshejoinedthatdamnedwebsite.Youstillnotmessingwithanyofthatinternetstuff?”heaskedoverhisshoulderashewalkedtowardtherefrigerator.
“Nope.Facebook,Pinterest,Twitter,Idon’thaveanyof‘em.Can’tsee
anyneed.Idon’twantpeoplewhodon’tknowmediggingthroughmylife.AsfarasI’mconcerned,it’slikeleavingyourfrontdooropenforanyonetocomeintoyourhouseanddigthroughyourshit,”Iresponded.
“Amen,”hesaidasheheldabottleofbeeratarm’s
length.
Iacceptedthebeer,twistedoffthelid,andtookadrink.Myfatherwasaveryunderstandingman,andrarelypriedinmypersonalbusiness.Ibelievedheunderstoodfarmorethanmymotherwhatme,theclub,andmyMCBrotherswereall
about,butheneverasked,andIneveroffered.
“Sitdown,”mymothersaidasshearrangedtheplatesaroundthetable.
AsIslowlywalkedtowardthetable,Ipeereddownattheplateofslicedavocadoesandtomatoesandeventuallyshiftedmyeyes
towardtheenchiladacasserole.Myfatherwasright.Iwassurprisedwebothhadn’tstarvedtodeathsincemymotherfoundPinterest.Tryingnewthingswasfunforher,butitseemedshewasconstantlysearchingthesiteforaneasierwaytoprepareameal.Anentiremealinone
dishwasherobviousdesireandmyfatherandIwerethetestsubjects.Forme,itwasonedayaweekeatingwithmyparents.Formyfather,itwasadailyoccurrence.
Sundaydinneratmyparent’shousewasn’tnecessarilyarequirement,butIwasalwaysexpectedto
attend.AlthoughIwasthirty-sixyearsold,Iwasstillalittleboyintheeyesofmymother,andIalwayswouldbe.Ilookedforwardtothedinners,andenjoyedtheconversationswehad.Forme,itwasawaytounwind,becomenormal,andmentallyexhaustmyselffromallofthe
atrocitiesfromthepreviousweekofbeingaSelectedSinner.Itallowedmetobegineachweekwithanewstart,afreshmind,andthereminderthatfamilyismoreimportantthananythingelsethisworldhastoofferus.
DrinkingbeerandSundaydinnerswereaguilty
pleasure.Anyotherdayoftheweek,mystrictdietexcludedfoodswhichwouldcausemetoforfeitmyform,muscletone,orphysicalcondition.SettingSundaydinnersaside,drinkingbeerwasmyonlyvice,andItriedtokeepmydrinkingtonomorethanfiveorsixbeersa
day.Mydailyphysicalconditioningnotonlyallowedmetomaintainasoundmindandbody,butdidaprettygoodjobofworkingoffthebeersItypicallydrankthroughoutthecourseofanygivenday.
“So,yourfathertellsmetheMarinefriendofyours
isengagedtobemarried.Saidhe’swiththatcutelittleblondewaitressdownatthebarbequejoint,”mymothersaidaswesatdown.
Herewego.“Yeah,ma.He’s
engagedtothegirlatthebarbequejoint.Hername’sSydney,”IsighedasI
scoopedhalfofthecasseroledishontomyplate.
“AndyourotherfriendAshtonislivingwithagirlandthey’rejustasgoodasmarried.Isthatright?”sheaskedasmyfatherturnedtowardmeandwaggedhiseyebrowsjokingly.
“Axton,ma.Withan
X.Hisname’sAxton,notAshton.Andyeah,he’sgotagirlfriendorwhatever.Andhername’sAvery,”IrespondedasIraisedmybeerbottletomylips.
“Talkdownatthestoreisthatthetallbrownhairedgirlisanattorney.Theysaidshefiledanappeal
togetanewtrialfortheothergirl’sbrother,whowassetupbytheATFyearsback.Isthatalltrue?”myfatheraskedasheshovedaforkfulofenchiladasintohismouth.
IshookmyheadasIplacedmybottleofbeerontothetable,“Whotoldyouallthat?”
“Commonknowledgedownatthestore,”myfathersaidashefinishedchewinghisfood.
“Well,it’spartiallytrue,”IsighedasIpressedmyforkintothecasserole.
“Averyisthebrownhairedgirl,Axton’sgirlfriend.She’saparalegal
orwhatever.Worksdowntownwithoneofthosepowerfuldefenseattorneys.ShefiledanappealforSydney’sbrother,whowasrailroadedbytheATFforagreeinghedidn’tlikesomeotherclub.Theygrantedit,andtrialisnextweek,”IexplainedasIraisedthe
forkfuloffoodtomymouth.
“Amandon’tgettossedinprisonforsayingyoudon’tlikesomeone.There’sgottobemoretoit,”myfathershruggedashereachedforhisbeer.
InoddedmyheadasIalternatedglancesbetweenmymotherandfather,
eventuallyfixingmygazeonmyfather,“Thereis.Hesaidifpushcametoshove,he’dkill‘emiftheymessedwithhim.ButonlyaftergettingdrunkandharassedbytheATFfortwoyears.”
“Ohlord,”mymothersaidunderherbreathassheraisedherhandstoherface.
“Ma…”IbreathedasIshookmyhead.
“Hell,ifanyonemessedwithme,I’dkill‘emMarge,”myfathergruntedashecutanotherchunkofcasseroleoffoftheslabsittingonhisplate.
“Ken!”mymothergasped.
“Well,Iwould.I’msurethecourtwilldecidewho’srightandwho’swrong.It’llbeinterestingtoseehowthatpansout,”myfathersaid.
Inoddedmyheadandglanceddownatmyplate.Conversationsatmyparent’sdinnertableseemedtonotonlyhavenoboundaries,but
theytypicallyhadnolimits.Itwasn’tuncommonforustobegintalkingaboutmyfather’stomatocrop,andeventuallyendupinaheateddiscussionaboutthebenefitsoflegalizingprostitution.Personally,Ibelievedmyfatheroftenchangedthesubjectsuntilthe
conversationtookacoursethathebelievedwouldirritatemymother.
“Speakingofattorneys,didyouhearaboutthatdoctorthatsewedapeckeronthatAsianstripperinWichita?She’sdancingdownatthestripclubbyBoeingnowwithachunkof
meatbetweenherlegs.Clydesayshe’sseenheroverthereandshe’shunglikeahorse.Saidshedrawsthebiggestcrowdoutofallthosegirls.Rumorhasitthey’regettingupapetitiontohavehertossedout,sayingnowshe’snotagirl,butaguy.Whatdoyouthinkaboutthat?”my
fatheraskedashereachedforhisbeer.
“Ken!”mymotherbreathed.
“Well,it’sthedamnedtruth,Marge.Seweditrightonthere.Now,whatI’mwonderingaboutisthis…”hepausedandloweredhisbottleofbeertothetable.
“Where’dtheygetthepecker?”heshrugged.
Ishookmyheadindisgust,“Hardsaying.”
“Well,someonehadtogiveitup.Maybeitwasoneofthosefellaswhowantedtobeswitchedintoagirl.I’mthinkingtheymustkeeparunningtally,and
whenthere’saguywhowantsitwhackedoffandaholedrilleddownthere,theyaddhimtothechart.Andlater,whentheyfindagirlwhowantsapecker,aslongasthere’ssomedip-shitonthechartwhowantshiscutoff,theygotamatch.Peoplearejustplainweirdthese
days.AnywayClydeseenhim.Orher.Saidshewaspretty,well‘ceptforthebulgeinherpants,”hechuckled.
“Let’schangethesubject,”mymothersighed.
DisgustedatthethoughtofanAsianstripperwithacockswinging
betweenherlegs,Ishookmyhead.
“Enchiladasareprettygood,ma,”Isighed.
Shesmiledandnoddedherhead,“Thankyou.”
“Maybenexttime,ifthereisanexttime,weshouldhavesometacosor
somethingwiththisshit.Youtookalittlepiece,andSteveandItookwhatwasleft.Eitherthatormakeadoublehelping,”myfathercomplainedashegazeddownathisplateandpiercedatomatoslicewiththetipofhisfork.
Mymothergazed
downatherplateandbegantospeakwithoutlookingup.
“Itworkedoutjustfine,andwedon’thavetoworryaboutleftovers.NowwhatIwastryingtotalkaboutearlierwasthatallofyourfriendshavegirlfriendsorfiancées,andyouhaven’thadagirlfriendsinceIdon’t
knowwhen.Maybeit’stimeyougetone.Youknowweallhavetogrowupsometime.”
Halfpissedoffthatshe’dmentionedthesubject,Igrabbedmybottleofbeerandpushedmyselfawayfromthetableslightly.Asthebottledangledbesidemyhipfrombetweenmythumband
forefinger,Istudiedheruntilshelookedupfromherplate.
“Ma,Idon’thaveagirlfriendbecauseIhaven’tfoundoneyetthatsuitsme.They’realltoodamnednoseyorfartoocontrolling.AssoonasIfindonegoodenoughforme,you’llbethefirsttoknow,”IsaidasI
raisedmybeerbottleintheairandtiltedthenecktowardher.
“IlikedSamantha.Ican’tseewhyshehadtoupandmoveaway.Agirllikeherwouldbeperfectforyou,”mymothersaidassheglancedtowardherplate.
“IlikedSamtoo,but
thatwasfifteenyearsago,ma.Fifteen.Notyesterday,butfifteendamnedyears,”IsaidasIstoodfrommyseat.
Iwalkedtotherefrigeratorandgrabbedtwomorebeers.Afterfinishingwhatlittlewasleftinmybottle,Idroppeditintothetrashandtwistedthelidoff
theother.AsIwalkedtothetable,IstudiedmymotherandwaitedforherresponseasIhandedmyfatherabeer.
Shesatsilentlyandpickedatherfood.
“WhyyoubringingupSamafterallthistime?”IaskedasIsatdown.
Asshelookedup
fromherplate,myfathergazeddownathis.
“Hermotherpassed,”mymothersaidassheshiftedhergazetomeetmine.
Myheartsank.ShortofSam’shusband,andwhatIwascertaintobeahousefullofkids,hermotherwasallshehad.Herfather,whowas
considerablyolderthanhermother,passedawaywhenshewastwelveafterashortbattlewithcoloncancer.Hermother,tothebestofmyknowledge,neverremarried.Samhadnobrothersorsisters,andlongedforalargefamily,oneIwasn’twillingtoprovide.
Itookalongswallowofbeerandwashedthelumpfrommythroat.
“When’sthefuneral?”Iaskedflatly.
“Tomorrow,”mymothersaidasshelookedupfromherplate.
Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Well,I’vegotthe
trialtomorroworI’dgo.ProbablybestthatIdon’tseeheranyway.She’smarriedandhasafamily.Herhusbanddoesn’tneedareminderofwhoherhighschoolsweetheartwas.”
“YourfatherandIarguedaboutgoing,youknowhowheisabout
funerals.Wedecidedtosendflowersinstead.Ijustfoundoutyesterdaywhenyourfathertoldme.HehearditatworkfromClyde,”mymothersaid.
“Whathappened?”Iasked.
Mymotherloweredherforktothesideofher
plateandshookherheadfromside-to-side,“Well,that’sthesadpart.Apparently,shewascooking,andwaspulledsomealuminumfoilofftheroll.Shecutherwristonthelittlestriporthefoil…Idon’tknow…andshebledtodeathbeforetheambulance
arrived.”
Analuminumfoildeathdidn’timmediatelymakesensetome.Isatandstaredblanklyatmymotherandwaitedforhertosayitwasabigjoke.Afterafewminutesofsilence,IrealizedwhatshesaidwasrealityandapartofSam’slifeshewould
berequiredtoaccept.
Ishookmyhead,“Aluminumfoil?Jesus,howdoessomeoneprepareforthat?”
Frustrated,Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Iguesstheydon’t.That’sadamnedshame.”
Myfatherlookedup
fromhisplateandnoddedhishead,“Sureis.Justgoestoshowyou,youneverknow…”
Istaredatthebottleofbeerforwhatseemedlikeanunreasonableamountoftime.ThethoughtofSam’smotherdying,anddyingfromsomethingnoonewouldor
couldmakeanyplansorconcessionstoprepareforcausedmetofeeladeepersorrowfortheentirefamily.EvenacarwreckwouldallowapersontoeventuallyacceptitasGod’swill.
Butaluminumfoil?
IbegantoworryaboutSam,andwondered
howshe’dacceptthedeath.Iattemptedtoconsidermyselfinthesamecircumstance,anddecidedI’dprobablyneveracceptitasbeingpartoflife’sbigplanformeormyfamily.Tryingtomakesenseofitwasbeginningtomakemefeeluneasy.AlthoughIwasraisedbyaGodfearing
family,IinnowaystruggledwithGodasmuchasAxtonorToad,butstillstrugglednonetheless.Idid,however,believeIlivedinGod’sworld;andthatallthingshappenedforareason.
Isatandstaredattheamberbottle,wonderingifmylifetimewouldproduce
enoughtimeformetocomeupwithagoodreasonforthemotheroftheonlywomanIeverloveddyingfromsuchanunfortunateincident.
Ieventuallyliftedthebottleanddranktheremainingbeerwiththeunderstandingthatalthoughsomethingsinlifeare
unavoidable,wemayneveracceptthemasbeingnecessary.
OTISAtwohourlongworkoutprovidedlittlerelief,andmytensionwasstillatalevelIwasn’tcomfortablewith.
ObviouslyhavingadifficulttimeacceptingthedeathofSam’smotherasbeingnecessary,IsteppedintotheshowerwiththehopeitwouldwashawaytheremainingdiscomfortIwasfeeling.
Aftershoweringuntiltherewasnoremaininghot
water,Idriedoff,tookaprecursoryglanceinthemirror,andwalkedtomybedroom.AlthoughIshouldhaveclimbedintobedandretiredforthenight,Ifeltfallingasleepwouldproveimpossible.
AquicktextmessagetotheSinnersIreservedas
friendsrevealedBiscuitastheonlyoneavailabletohaveadrink.Eagertoattempttoridmyselfofwhatwasbotheringme,Igotdressed,hoppedonmybike,androdetoWichitatomeethimatthebar.
Iparkedmybikebesidehisandsurveyedtheparkinglot.Afewcars
litteredtheotherwiseemptylot.SundaynightatmostbarsinWichitawasaslownight,andconsideringtheproblemsinWaco,Texaswiththeshooting,severalofthebarshadmadenewrulesregardingbikerswearingtheircutsinsidethebar.Itcameasnosurprise,andalthoughmost
barspreventedgangssuchastheCripsandBloodsfromwearingtheircolors,nonehadtakenthechanceatattemptingtopreventMC’sfromdoingso.Thisbarwasonewhowasstillbikerfriendlyandhadmadenosuchrule,leavingitasoneofouravailableoptions.AsI
walkedthroughthedoorIrecalledthenightImetAxton’sOl’Lady,Avery.
“BigO,what’sshakin’,”Biscuitsaidashestoodfromhisbarstool.
Ishookmyheadandgrinned,“Justneedingtounwind.Let’sgooverandsitinoneofthosebooths,Idon’t
needthebartenderlisteningtowhatwe’retalkingabout.”
“Noargumentfromme,thatstoolisashardasaweddingdaycock,”hesaidashewrappedhisarmsaroundmeandslappedmeontheback.
“Placedon’tseemthesamewithoutAveryandthat
otherchickworkin’,doesit?”Biscuitsighedaswewalkedtowardanopenbooth.
Ishookmyhead,“Suredoesn’t.”
BiscuitsatdownandplacedhisRedBullandglassofvodkainfrontofhim.Ashesatandstudiedmeforashortmoment,herubbedhis
beardwithhisrighthand,andeventuallydrughisfingersthroughhisthickbrownhair.
“SureyouheardaboutCorndogandthatpoorgirlwhoworkedhere,huh?”heaskedasheleanedontotheedgeofthetable.
Inoddedmyhead,“I’veheardsome,yeah.”
Hepressedhisforearmsontothetable,claspedhishandstogether,andleanedforward,“They’reinseparablenow.He’sbeenfuckin’thatpoorgirlsixwaysfromSunday.Talkedtohimafterthemeetingtheotherday.Saidhe’sbeenschoolingheronsuckingcock,andit
soundslikeshe’sgotquitethesexualappetite.Anyway,He’smakingupforthefiveyearsoflosttimehespentinthejoint.”
“I’msureheis,”IsaidasIraisedmyhandtogetthewaitress’attention.
Heturnedhispalmsup,andwidenedhiseyes
slightly.
“Youknow,everyoneofthefellasisfascinatedbythatgirl’sbigfuckingtitties.Butme?I’mfascinatedwiththefactToadwrappedherheadinGoddamnedSaranWrap,fuckedheruntilshewasdamnedneardead,andthentookhertotheDog’s
house,droppedheroff,andsheain’tfuckin’leftyet.Hell,untiltheToaddroppedheroff,she’dnevermetCornDog.”
AsInoticedthewaitresswalkingtowardthetable,IraisedmyhandtosilenceBiscuit.
“I’lltakeacoupleof
MichelobUltrasandbringhimanothercanofRedBullandafewiceddoublevodkas,”Isaidasthewaitressapproachedthetable.
“Soundsgood.Youguysaren’tgoingtoshoottheplaceup,areyou?”shechuckledplayfully.
Biscuitgrinnedashe
turnedtofaceher,“Wemightafterwegetafewdrinksinus.”
Probablynomorethantwenty-oneyearsold,andmorethanlikelyoneofAvery’soldcollegefriends,thewaitresswascute,butyoung.Tallandthinwithathleticlegs,Iwonderedif
sheplayedvolleyballwithAveryandSloan,butdecidednottoask.Havingaconversationwithherwasn’tatthetopofmycurrentlistofpriorities.
“Goddamn…”Biscuitsaidafterstudyingherforashortmoment,drawingtheworddamnoutforfive
secondsorso.
Sheshiftedhergazetomeethisandgrinned,“What?”
“Youreyes.That’sthecraziestblueIeverseen,”hesaidashetwistedhisbodytofaceher.
“Contacts,”sheshrugged.
“Figures,”hesaidunderhisbreathasheturnedaround.
“Bebackinaminute,”shegrinnedassheturnedaway.
Biscuittookadrinkofhisvodka,chaseditwithaswallowofRedBull,andimmediatelypressedhischest
intotheedgeofthetableasifpreparingtotellmeasecret.
“Nothin’againsttheDog,butIwonderaboutthatfuckin’girl,Sloan.Damnedthingcan’thavealickofproperupbringinginher.Personally,Iwouldn’tfuckherwithPete’scock,andhe’sanastyfucker.CornDog’s
poundingthatshitlikeeachday’shislast,soIguessI’llsaygoodforhim;andfromwhathewassayin’she’sbecomemightyfineatsuckingcock.Oh,shit,Ialmostforgot,Igotastorytotellya,”hesaidashesatupandrubbedhishandstogether.
IfBiscuiteverdecidedhenolongerwantedtobeaSinner,hecouldimmediatelyseekemploymentasastand-upcomic.Hisabilitytotellastorywasonlymatchedbyhiswillingness,andhewasalwayswilling.Theproblemwastryingtodecideifwhatyouwerehearingwasthe
truthoranotheroneofhiswildmadeupfables.Eitherway,hearinghimtalkwasentertaining,andprobablyexactlywhatIneeded.
Hepressedhisforearmsintotheedgeofthetableandbegantoalmostwhisper,“So,speakingofsuckin’cock,therewasthis
girl;shegavethebestfuckin’headever.Damnedthingwaslikeatrainedprofessional,andprobablyshouldhavehadacollegecourseonhowtoproperlysuckacock.Shecouldtakemymeatallthewaytotheballs,stickoutherGoddamnedtongue,andcurlitaroundmynutsackwithout
missin’abeat.”
Igrinnedandnoddedmyhead,waitingtohearmoreaboutthisprofessoroforalpleasure.
“So,thisbitchhadthemostbeautifulblueeyes.And,becauseshehadnogagreflex,Icouldfuckthisgirl’smouthjustlikeIwasfuckin’
apussy.Anyway,whenI’dpoundherthroatwithmycock,I’dlookdownintohereyes,andaftershebatthoselonglashesandrevealedthosedamnedeyesafewtimes,I’djustexplode.Sheknewhereyesweremybiggestweakness,andshewasright,”hepausedand
rubbedhisbeardwithhishand.
“Soonenight,she’sdownonherknees,andshe’sgoingtotownonmycock.Justaslurpin’andasuckin’likethisone’sherlast.Hell,I’mlookin’upattheceilinglikeIgotnointerestinwatchin’her,whichcouldn’t
beanyfurtherfromthetruth.Myproblemwasthis,”hepausedasthewaitresswalkedupwithatrayofdrinks.
“Hereyougo,twoicedvodkadoubles,acanofRedBull,andtwoUltras.Anythingelse?”thewaitressaskedassheplacedthedrinksontothetable.
IsmiledandshookmyheadasIreachedforabeer.
“Otherthanbeinglikesuperbig,youdon’tlooklikeabiker,Imeannotreally,”thewaitresssaid.
“NeverthoughtIwaslikesuperbig,butthanks,Iguess,”Biscuitchuckledas
hetuggedonhiscut.
“Iuhhm,Iwasmeaninghim,”shegiggledasshetossedherheadtowardme.
“Oh,”Biscuitsaidasheturnedtowardmeandraisedhiseyebrowsinwaitformyresponse.
“Idon’tknowthat
bikerslookanycertainwaytobequitehonest.IlookthewayIlookandI’mabiker.Onehasnothingtodowiththeother,”IsighedasIliftedmybeerandtiltedittowardher.
“Oh,Ididn’treallymeananythingbyit,Iwasjust.Idon’tknow.Youknow,
tryingtomakeconversation.DoyouknowAvery?”sheaskedasshetossedherhairoverhershoulder.
Iloweredmychinslightly,restedmyelbowonthetable,anddangledthebeerbottlefrommyhand,“Suredo,she’sagoodfriend.”
“Well,we’renotclose,butIplayedvolleyballwithher.I’maseniorthisyearandshe’sayearolderthanme.Ijustheardshewaslikedatingoneoftheguysinyourgang,”shesaidassheattemptedtoforceherfingertipsintototheextremelysmallpocketsof
heroverlytightjeanshorts.
“Club.We’reaclub,notagang.Amotorcycleclub,”IsaidasIliftedthebottleofbeertomylips.
“Oh,Ithoughtyouwereamotorcyclegang.What’sthedifference?”sheaskedasshegaveuponshovingherhandsintoher
pocketsandallowedherarmstodangleathersides.
“Thereisn’tone,”Ishrugged,“Butgangsoundsbad,andclubsoundsmoreprofessionalandlesscriminal,soweallcallourselvesclubsnow.”
Shetiltedherheadtotheside,seeminglyslightly
confused,“Soyouareagang?”
Biscuitturnedtofaceherandraisedhisindexfingertohislips,“Shhh.Don’ttellanybody.”
“Oh,Iwon’t.Youcantrustme,”shegrinned,“I’mKat.”
“Likeapussycat?”
Biscuitchuckled.
“Kindof,butwithaK.Katrina,Katforshort,”shesaid.
“I’mBiscuit,that’sOtis,”Biscuitsaidashemotionedtowardme.
“Biscuit?WhyBiscuit?”sheshrugged.
“Whynot?”Biscuit
snappedback.
Sheshruggedhershouldersassheshiftedhergazetomeetmine.Asoureyesmet,shegrinned.
“Nicetomeetyouguys.I’llleaveyoutwoaloneforawhile.Ifyouneedme,justholler.We’renotrealbusy,I’llprobablystopbyin
afewandseeifyou’redoingalright,”shesaidassheturnedaway.
Inoddedmyheadassheturnedaway.Sheseemedniceenough,butfromwhatlittleIcouldsee,hadnothingtoofferme.AlthoughAveryprovedtobeassolidofawomanasIhadevermet,I
hadmydoubtsthatothercollegestudentswouldbeasmatureandtrustworthyasshewas.AfterBiscuitwatchedherwalkawayoverhisshoulderheturnedtowardthetableandgrinned.
“Meeefuckingyow.Kat,huh?She’sahotlittlenumber,”hesighed.
Iliftedmychinslightlybeforetakingalongdrinkofmybeer,“Wherewerewe?”
“Holdupaminute,I’vegottoclearmymindofevilthoughts,”hesaidashegrabbedaglassofvodka.
AftertakingadrinkandchasingitwithRedBull,
heshookhisheadandnarrowedhisgaze.
“Iwasfacefuckingmyblueeyedgirl,”hesaidasheplacedthecanofRedBullbesidetheglassofvodka.
Itiltedmybeertowardhimandnoddedmyhead,“Theprofessoroforalpleasure.”
“Shedamnedsurewas.Couldhavegivenacourseonitforsure,”hesaidasheglancedovereachshoulder.
“Okay.SoI’vegotmycockdownherthroat,andshe’sstaringupatme,knowingifIlookintothosebeautifulblueeyesformore
thanafewsecondsI’mgonnashootmyload.Me?I’mlookin’upattheceiling,countin’themlittlepopcorndealiostheysprayonupthere.Nowshe’ssuckin’away,andI’matabouttwothousandfivehundredandfifty-three,knowingIcan’tlastmuchlonger.Iglance
downjustforaquicksecond,andluckilyhereyesareclosed,”hepausedandreachedforthevodka.
AfteradrinkofvodkaandaredBullchaser,heleanedforwardandcontinued,“So,Ireachdownandgrabblueeyesbytheears.Now,Igotherearsin
myhands,andIstartpoundingmycockinandoutofherthroatlikeI’mgettin’paid.Hell,I’mwatchin’thatfuckerdisappearinhermouth,amazedbythesheertalentofthisgirl,andIpullitoutandshoveitbackin.Then,Ipullout,andshoveitbackinballsdeep.Shedon’t
gagorwhimperornothin’.Hell,thisisturningmeonlikeamotherfucker,soIturnitupanotch.”
Hepushedhimselfawayfromthetable,stood,andheldhishandsinfrontofhisthighsashebegantobuckhishipsviolentlybackandforth.Ashecontinuedto
thrusthishipsnodifferentlythanamalestripperhopingforatip,hebegantheremainderofhisstory.IshookmyheadandgrinnedatthefactBiscuitcouldcarenotwhatanyoneinthebarthoughtabouthislittlecharade.
“SoI’mshovingmy
cockballsdeepintoherthroat,pullingitout,andshovingitrightbackin,anditbuildsupthatthroatsnotlikeamotherfucker,”hesaidashecontinuedtothrusthishipsbackandforth.
“Throatsnot?”Ishrugged.
“Yeah,”hesighed,his
hipsstillgyratingbackandforth,“Thatgoopdowndeepintheirthroats.Hell,youprobablyain’tgotacockbigenoughtofindit,butoleBiscuitdoes.”
IrolledmyeyesandshookmyheadasItookadrinkofbeer.
“Soanyway,I’m
poundingawayandthingsgetkindofslippery.SoIpullback…”hepulledhishipsrearwardandpaused.
“AndIdon’trealizeitatthatexactminute,butmycockslidesallthewayoutofhermouth.SoIgotoshoveitbackin,thinkin’thetipisstillinhermouth,andthehead
hitshertoplip,andthefucker’sallcoveredinslobberandthroatsnot,soitshootsupthesideofherfaceandsticksherintheeye,”hesaidasthrusthishipsforwardandheldthemthere.
“Now,initially,Idon’tthinknothingofit,otherthanthefactIjust
pokedherintheeyewithmycock.SoIpullmyhipsbackandpreparetoshoveherthroatfullonemoretime,”hepausedandpulledhishipsrearward.
“Andshelooksupandopenedhereyes…”
Hiseyeswidenedsignificantlyashecontinued
tospeak,“Andshe’sstarin’backatmesmiling’,readyforthecock,andshe’sgotonebrowneyeandonefuckin’blueone.Igotmycockinmyhand,starin’backather,andIblinkmyeyes,notsureifwhatI’mseein’iswhatI’mseein’.Nope,she’sstillcroucheddownthere,with
hermouthopen,starin’backatmewithonebrownandonefuckin’blueone–ain’tgotafuckin’clueofwhat’shappened.Nowthisfreaksmethefuckout,becausetheentirereasonIlikethisgirl,other’nthefactshecansuckagolfballthroughagardenhose,isthatshe’sgotthem
crazyblueeyes.AndIglancedown,blinkonemoretime,andmyeyesfocusonmybigfatcock.Andthetipofmyrod’sgotalittletransparentbluedotontheendofit.”
“Contacts?”IshruggedasIbegantolaugh.
Henoddedhishead,“Yep.That’swhenIlearned
about‘em.FuckeditrightoutofherGoddamnedeye.”
Ishookmyheadasheslidintotheseat.
“That’sahellofastory,”IchuckledasIfinishedmybeer.
“DamndestthingIeverseen,”helaughedashereachedforhisvodka.
“Sowhatwasallthatabout?”thewaitressaskedasshewalkeduptotable.
“What?”Biscuitaskedoverhisshoulder.
Thewaitressthrustherhipsbackandforth,moreinafluidmotionthatBiscuit’sjerkyhaphazardmethod.Sheplacedherhands
onherhipsandsmiledasshegyratedafewmoretimes,appearingtobeperfectingadancemovemorethanimitatingBiscuit.AsmuchasIhatedtoadmitit,seeingherdoitwasnotonlyquitesensual,butrathererotic.Itwasevidentshehadatleastsomeexperienceatdancing
anddidsoquitewell.
“Goddayumm,’Biscuitsaidasheturnedinhisseattofaceher.
Asshestoppedgyrating,shegrinnedandslappedherhandagainstherthigh.
“Ijustthoughtitwasfunnywhenyouweredoing
it.I’msorry,I’mjustbored,”sheshrugged.
“Youcancomeoverhereandfucktheairanytime,”Biscuitchuckled.
“Isthatwhatyouweredoing,fuckingtheair?”sheasked.
“Here?Yeah,Iwasfuckingtheair.Butinthe
storyIwastellin’,Iwasfuckin’agirl’smouth,”Biscuitresponded.
Herewego.“Soundsfun,”she
saidwithasmile.
“IprobablyoughttogocleansometablesbeforeIgetmyselfintrouble,”sheshrugged.
IgrinnedandtiltedmyheadherdirectionasIreachedformyfullbottleofbeer.Oddly,assheturnedtowalkaway,hereyesremainedfixedonBiscuituntilherbodywascompletelyturnedaround.Asshewalkedtowardthebar,sheglancedoverhershoulderonceand
grinned.
“Damn,Biscuit.Lookslikeshelikesya,”IchuckledasIslappedmylefthandagainstthetable.
“Soonerorlater,theyalldo,”hegrinnedasheglancedoverhisshoulder.
IrolledmyeyesasIliftedmybottleofbeer.
“Sowhat’dyouwanttotalkabout?”BiscuitaskedashereachedforhiscanRedBull.
AsIshookmyhead,hereachedforhisvodkaanddranktheremainingliquorfromtheglass.
“Nothing,justneededtounwind.I’mgoodnow,”I
said.
“Yousureyou’realright,Brother?”heasked.
Inoddedmyhead,“Positive.”
“Howlongyouwanttostickaround?”heasked.
“Drinkthisandgo?”IrespondedasIraisedmybeerintheair.
“Imightstickarounduntilshegetsoff,”Biscuitsaidashetiltedhisheadtowardthebar.
“Trial’stomorrow,”Isaidundermybreath.
“Youseethatgirl’slegs?”heasked.
Inoddedmyhead,grinned,anddrankthe
remainingbeerfrommybottle.Biscuit’sdecisiontostayandtryhisluckwiththewaitressprovidedverylittleguidancetomycurrentsituation,butdidprovidesomecomfortintheformofreassurance.
ReassurancethewomanIwouldendupwith,
ifIeverdidendupwithawomaninmylife,wouldcomefromafarmoregruelingapplicationprocessthanthrustingmyhipsintheair.
“Yousureyou’realright?”BiscuitaskedasIfinishedmybeer.
Inoddedmyhead,
“Myoldgirlfriend,Sam.Hermotherdied.Justwantedtotryandletitallsettle.Justtryingtomakesenseofit.”
“Ohshit,yoursweetheart?Damn,Brother,I’msorry.Whathappened,ifImightask?”heaskedasheshookhisheadfromside-to-side.
“Aluminumfoil.Itwasanaccident,”Ishrugged,realizingmypoorlyexecutedexplanationwouldraiseaneyebrowasIfinishedspeaking.
“Damn,didsheworkattheReynold’sWrapfactoryorsomething?”heasked
IshookmyheadasIreachedformykeys,“No,shewascookingandwenttopullsomealuminumfoilofftheroll,anditcutherwrist.Shebledtodeathbeforetheambulancearrived.”
Heshookhisheadashestoodfromhisseat.
“Well,whenadeal
likethathappens,youjustgottostandbackandrealizethatthisworldwe’relivinginain’tours,it’sHis;andthingslikethatarejustproofofit.Hisplan’smuchbigger’nthis,”hesaidashepointedhisfingerbackandforthbetweenus.
“Agreed,”IsaidasI
slappedmyhandagainsthisback.
“Seeyouinthemorning,”IsaidasIturnedaway.
“LongasI’mdonewithher,”hegrinned.
“Justdon’tfuckherintheeye,andeverything’llbefine,”Ilaughed.
Andjustlikethat,everythingmadealittlemoresense.Sometimes,havingafriendorlovedoneconfirmouralreadyone-sidedbeliefsprovidedallthereassurancenecessaryforustocontinuebelievingourwayofthinkingwasjustwhatitneededtobe.
AsIwalkedtothe
bikeIrealizedalthoughIdidn’tbelievethedeathofSam’smotherwasnecessary,Iwasabletoacceptitasbeingoutofmycontrol,andpartofaplanIdidnotunderstandtoday,butonedaymay.
OTISThecourtroomsmelledlikemoney.Thejudgewasseatedonanelevatedplatforminfrontofwherewewere
seated,butonthefarsideofthecourtroom.Inthecenterofthefloorwasanornatelecternusedbytheattorneyashepresentedhiscase.Ontheimmediateleftwasthejury,seatedincomfortableleatherseatsastheystudiedthewitness.Directlyinfrontofusweretwotables,one
occupiedbythedefenseattorney,andonebytheprosecutionanddefendant.Astheypresentedtheircasestothejudge,theattorneysfacedawayfromus,makingtheirfacialexpressionsimpossibletoread.
SittinginthecourtroomamidsttheATF
agentsmademefeeluneasy.SeeingroughlysixtySelectedSinnerssupportingSydney’sbrotherwasenoughtoallowmetobelieveJacksonhadallthebackingnecessarytoensureheatleastfelthehadsufficientsupport.Thefactnoneofhisclub,Hell’sFury,attendedthetrialcausedme
tolosewhatlittlerespectIhadfortheMCherepresentedwhenhewasarrested.
Juryselectionbegan,andtookverylittletime.Aftereachattorneythrowingafewpotentialjurorsoutforcauseorperemptorychallenges,thejurywas
selected.Muchtomysurprise,thetwelvemenandwomenofthejuryincludedthreemenwhorodemotorcycles.Hopefully,eveniftheyweren’tinaclub,they’dhaveabetterunderstandingofwhatwasbeingdiscussed.
Afterseveralhoursof
questioningseveralATFagentsandSydney’sbrotherJackson,theprosecutorseemedtorunoutofgas.Histoneofvoicechanged,andhebecamefarlessaggressive.Notsureifitwasatacticoradoseofreality,Isatbackinmyseatandwatchedtheshowcontinue.
“DuringyourtimeasamemberofHell’sFuryMC,wereyouknownbyanyothernamesthanyourGodgivenname?”theprosecutorasked.
Kurt,Jackson’sattorneyandAvery’semployer,immediatelystoodfromhisseat.
“Yourhonor,I
object,”hebarkedinaverymatteroffacttone.
Thejudgeraisedhisfingerintheair,attemptingtosilencethewitnessbeforeheresponded.
“Grounds?”thejudgeasked.
Stillstandingbehindthetable,Kurtspreadhis
armsapartandtiltedhisheadslightlytotheside.Hewasaverylargeman,standingalmost6’-5”andweighingprobably250pounds.Hismilitarystylehaircut,well-definedfeatures,andthetoneofhisvoicemadehimratherintimidatinginthecourtroom.
“Yourhonor,itasksthejurytoprejudicetheevidence.You,yourhonor,me,theprosecutor,andthewitnessknowwhatthedefendant’sclubnamewasduringhistenurewiththeclubinquestion.Otherthanusingthenametoprejudicethejury,Iseenovaluein
providingitintestimony,”Kurtargued.
Thejudgeraisedhishandtohischinandclenchedhisfistasheconsideredrulingontheobjection.
“Yourhonor,theformerPresidentoftheUnitedStates,LyndonJohnson,wasnicknamed
BullshitJohnson.Theboxer,ThomasHearns,wasnicknamedTheHitman.RichardHill,theEnglishRugbyplayer,wasnicknamedTheSilentAssassin.AndPeteSampras,thetennisplayer,wasnicknamedPistolPete.Idoubtanyofthenicknames
providedanaccuratedepictionofwhothepeoplewereorwhattheyrepresented,”KurtexplainedashecontinuedtostandbehindthelargeornatetablewhereJacksonwasseated.
“Granted.I’llinstructyounottoanswerthequestion,”thejudgesaidas
hegazedtowardJackson.
Wow,Kurtcameprepared.Hell,heevenhadalistofnamesmentallyprepared.
Theprosecutingattorneyturnedawayfromthelectern,staredatthefloorforamoment,andeventuallyturnedtofacethewitness.
“Theclubyouwereafullypatchedinmemberof,Hell’sFury,woulditsufficetosaythiswasanOutlawMotorcycleGang,orOMGastheJusticeDepartmentlabelsthem?”theprosecutorasked.
Kurtstoodfromhisseat.
“Iobjectyourhonor;
onthesamegrounds.Theclubinmentionisnotontrial,andnowthattheeversograciousprosecutorhasopenedthegate,I’llstepthroughit,”hegrowled.
“Thewitnessisnotontrialyourhonor,asamatteroflaw,theprosecution’steamofATFagentsare.Thistrial
wasawardedonthegroundsofpotentialentrapmentbyATFagents.Asamatteroflaw,thewitnesssitsbeforeusaguiltymannotaninnocentone.Hisguiltisnotinquestion.WhatisinquestioniswhetherornottheATFentrappedhimtocommitthecrimehewaschargedwithin
theindictment.And,withallduerespect,asamatteroflaw,whentheissueofentrapmentisraised,theburdenofproofswitchestotheprosecutiontoprovethedefendantwasnotentrapped,”Kurtexplainedinaveryclearlyspokentone.
“And,asamatterof
law,heistobeconsideredentrappeduntiltheprosecutionprovesotherwise.InSorrellsversustheUnitedStatestheentrapmentdoctrinewascoveredindetail,andtheSupremeCourtrespondedtotheissueofentrapmentmorerecently-andquiteclearly-in
JacobsonversustheUnitedStates,yourhonor,”hecontinued.
Theprosecutorthrewhishandsintotheaircomically.
“Yourhonor,nowthatentrapmentseemstobethesubjectinquestion,andcertainlydefensecounsel’s
onlyhopeatwinningthiscase,Iwillaskthatthecourtreconsiderallowingmetoquestionthewitnessinregardtohisclubname.Predispositionisrequiredtoprovethedefendantwasnotentrapped,andhisclubname,initself,isproofofpredisposition,”the
prosecutorbellowed.
“Yourhonor,anameisproofofverylittle,andapredispositiontocommitmurdercomingfromanameisalinethatcannotbedrawn,nomatterwhodrawsit,”Kurtsaidsternly.
“Counsel,”thejudgesaidsternlywhilefacingthe
prosecutor.
“Andcounsel,”hesaidasheturnedhisheadtofaceKurt.
“Iaskyoubothtoapproach.Iwillnotallowabattleofwitsinmycourtroom,”hesaidfirmly.
“Whatthefuck’sgoingon?”Iwhisperedto
Avery.
“Kurt’spissed.Thiscaseisaboutentrapment,”shewhispered,“Whentheentrapmentdefenseisraised,itchangesthecasecompletely.Theburdenofproofshiftstotheprosecutiontoprovethedefendantwasn’tentrapped;it’snolongera
requirementforthedefendanttodoanythingtoprovehisinnocence,ortotryandprovehewasentrapped.It’sassumedassoonasthesubjectisraisedontherecordthathewasentrapped.”
“IthinkIunderstand,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.
Sheplacedherhand
onmyshoulderandleanedclosertomyearasshewhispered,“It’ssimple.TheappealscourtsawenoughevidencetobelievethepossibilityexistedthatthegovernmententrappedSyd’sbrothertocommitthecrime.Ifit’spossiblethathewasentrapped,andthejudge
agrees,allofasuddenhe’sguiltyofthecrime.But,hisguiltisaresultofthegovernmentcoercing,inducing,orenticinghimtocommitthecrime.Sonow,thegovernmentmustprovetheydidn’tcoerce,induce,orenticehim.Iftheycan’tprovetheydidn’t,thenthe
jurymustseeitastheydid.And,iftheyseeitthatway,he’snotguilty.”
“Okay,thatmakesalittlemoresense.What’sthejudgedoing?”IaskedasIleanedtowardher.
“He’schewingtheirassesoutforgoingateachotherinhiscourtroom.
Federalcourtisafarmoreformalapproachthanstateorcitycourt.Federaljudgesdon’ttakeshit,andtheydon’tallowanydisrespectintheircourtroom.Heprobablysawtheirlittletiradeasdisrespectful.He’llsetthemstraightandthey’llloosenupalittlebit.I’mgoingtoguess
theprosecutorisaboutdone.He’sfrustrated,”shesaid.
Inoddedmyheadandsatupstraightintheseat.AsKurtwalkedawayfromthejudgeandtowardhisseat,theprosecutorwalkedtothelectern,grippedthesidesinhishands,andsighed.
“Onthedateofthe
instantoffense,didyoustateyourwillingnesstokillamemberormembersofarivalclub,namelytheShovelheadsMC?”theprosecutorasked.
“Yes,but…”Jacksonbegan.
“Yesorno?”theprosecutorinterrupted.
“Yes,Idid.But…”Jacksoncontinued.
ThejudgeturnedtowardJacksonandspokequietly.
Jacksonloweredhisheadshamefully.Afterashortpause,helookedupandanswered.
“YesIdid,”Jackson
responded.
“Nofurtherquestions,”theprosecutorhissedashereleasedhisgriponthelectern.
Theprosecutorcrossedhisarms,studiedJacksonforamoment,andsighed.
“Yourwitness,”the
judgesaidasheturnedtowardKurt.
Kurtstood,walkedtothelectern,andsighedloudlyasheshookhishead.
“Onthedayoftheinstantoffense,hadyoubeendrinking?”heasked.
“YesSir,”Jacksonresponded.
“Priortoyourtakingthefirstdrink,didATFagentBlackburn,actinginthecapacityasoneofyourMCbrethren,askyouwhatyou’ddoiftheShovelheadstriedtoclaimyourterritory?”heasked.
“YesSir,”Jacksonresponded.
“Andyourresponsewaswhat?”heasked.
“IsaidIdidn’tknow,”heresponded.
Kurtnoddedhishead.
“Anddidhethenaskyouifyou’dkillthem?”heasked.
“Hedid,yes.Idon’tknow,maybethirtyminutes
later,”Jacksonresponded.
“Andyourresponse?”Kurtasked.
“Isaidno,”heresponded.
“Didhecontinuetoaskyouthesamequestionortypesofquestions?”Kurtasked.
Jacksonnoddedhis
head,“Yeshedid.”
“So,youtestifiedamomentagothatyou’dbeendrinking.Howmanydrinkswouldyousayyouconsumedoverthecourseofthenight?”Kurtasked.
“Idon’tknow,maybesixshotsofwhiskeyandtenortwelvebeers,”Jackson
responded.
“Wow,quiteanight,”Kurtchuckled.
Jacksonnoddedhishead.
“Wereyouintoxicated?”Kurtasked.
Theprosecutorstoodfromhisseatandtossedhishandsintheair.“Iobject
yourhonor.Thewitnessisnotaspecialistonintoxication,norwasheableatthetimetoperformabloodalcoholleveltestorabreathalyzertest.Totestifyastohistoxicitylevelwouldbenothingmorethanasheerguessatbest.”
“Rephrasethe
questionorchangeyourlineofquestioning,”thejudgewarned.
Kurtnoddedhishead.
“HowmanytimeswouldyousaytheundercoverATFagent,whoyoubelievedtobeabrotherinyourMC,askedyouifyou’dkillamemberoftheShovelheads?”
Kurtasked.
“Sixoreight,”Jacksonresponded.
“Nolessthansix?”Kurtasked.
Jacksonshookhishead.
“Youknow,I’vehadseveralyearstothinkaboutthis.It’sreallybotheredme.I
cancountsixtimesinmyheadforsure.Forabsolutesure.AndIknowtherewereothers,butthemoreIdrank,thedrunkerIbecame.Soformetotestifyunderoathtoanexactnumberwouldbealie.Heaskednolessthansixtimes,”Jacksonnodded.
“Didyouknowagent
BlackburnwasanATFagentatthistime?”Kurtasked.
“NoSir.”
“Didyouviewthemembersofyourclubasbrothers?”Kurtasked.
Jacksonnodded,“YesSir.Isuredid.”
“Family?”Kurtasked.
“YesSir,Idid.They
weremyfamily,”Jacksonresponded.
“Mr.Shephard,whereisyourmothertoday?”Kurtasked.
Jacksonshookhishead,“She’sdead,Sir.ShepassedawaywhenIwasaveryyoungboy.”
“I’msorrytohear
that.Andyourfather?”Kurtasked.
“Thesame,Sir.Hepassedatthesametime.Igrewupinorphanagesandeventuallyinafosterhomewithmyonlysibling,mysister,”Jacksonresponded.
“I’msorryforyourlosses,”Kurtpausedand
appearedtowipehiseyeswiththetipsofhisfingers.
“WoulditsufficetosaytheclubandyourMCbrothersweretheonlyfamilyyouhad?”Kurtasked.
“YesSir.Themandmysister,”Jacksonnodded.
“AndyouperceivedagentBlackburnasa
brother?”Kurtasked.
Jacksonshiftedhisgazetowardtheprosecution’stable,wheretheagentwasseated.Aftershakinghisheadfromside-to-sideslightly,heresponded,“YesSir,Idid.”
“Tothebestofyourknowledge,aretheShovelheadsMCa1%er
club?”Kurtasked.
Jacksonnoddedhishead,“YesSir,theyare.”
Kurtnoddedhisheadashereleasedthelectern.Hesteppedtothesideslightlyandrubbedhisjawwithhisthumbandforefingers.
“AndHell’sFurywasalsoa1%erclub?”Kurt
asked.
“YesSir,wewere,”Jacksonresponded.
“Whena1%clubwhohasclaimedterritory-forthissakeI’llcallthemtheparentclub-hasanotherclubrideintotheterritorywithoutpermission,wearingtheircolorsincludingalower
rockerclaimingthesameterritory,howdoestheparentclubperceivethistrespass?”Kurtasked.
Averyslappedherhandagainstmybicep.
“Youseewhathe’sdoing?”shewhispered.
Inoddedmyhead.“Shhh.”
“Asdisrespectful.Asathreat,”Jacksonresponded.
“Athreat?”Kurtaskedasifhewereshocked.
Averyslappedmyarmagain.
“YesSir.”
“Andwhena1%clubmakesathreat,whatmightthatthreatinclude,generally
speaking?”Kurtasked.
“Violence,”Jacksonshrugged.
“Violence.Isee.Letmebackupalittlebit,towherewewerebefore.Thisclub,theHell’sFury,thesefellaswereyourfamily,isthatcorrect?”Kurtasked.
“YesSir,”Jackson
nodded.
“Isee.AndwhenagentBlackburnaskedyouwhatyou’ddoiftheycameintoyourterritory,wearingalowerrockerclaimingTexasasifittheirown,whatwasyourfear,ifany?”Kurtasked.
Averyslappedher
handagainstmyarmagain.IglancedtowardSydney,whowasseatedonmyrightside.ShesatbetweenToadandIstaringstraightahead,waitingforherbrother’sresponse.AsAverygrippedmyleftarminherhand,Sydney’sbrotherresponded.
“Theywerearival
club,alwayscausingproblemsandtalking…”Jacksonpausedandturnedtowardthejudge.
ThejudgelookeddownatJacksonandnoddedhishead.
“Talkingshit.Sayingtheyweregoingtodothis,anddothat.Iftheyrodein
wearingtheircolors,Iguessmyfearwasthatthey’dprobablykillus,oratleasttry,”Jacksonresponded.
“So,youreventualresponsetoATFagentBlackburnwasonemoreofprotectionthanofaggression,wasitnot?”Kurtasked.
“Objection,your
honor.He’sleadingthewitness,”theprosecutorhollered.
“Granted.Rephraseyourquestion,”thejudgesaid.
Averysqueezedmyarm.
“Whydidyoueventuallyrespondinthe
manneryoudidtotheATFagent?Agreeingthatyou’dkillmembersoftheShovelheadsiftheycametotown?”Kurtasked.
Jacksongrinnedslightly.
“Ididn’trealizehewasanagent.Atthetime,hewasabrother,partofmy
family.AndmyfearwasthattheShovelheadsMCmighthurthimorsomeofmyotherbrothers.MythoughtsatthetimewerethatIneededtoprotectmyfamily,”Jacksonresponded.
“Youronlyfamily?”Kurtasked.
“YesSir,myonly
family,”Jacksonresponded.
Averyreleasedmyarmfromhergrip.
“Fuckyes,”shewhisperedassheslappedherhandagainstmythigh.
“Nofurtherquestionsforthiswitness,yourhonor,”Kurtsaidflatly.
Iturnedtowardthe
prosecutor,whoslowlystoodfromhisseat.
“Theprosecutionrests,yourhonor,”theprosecutorstated.
“Yourhonor,Ihaveonlyonewitnesstoquestion.Inlieuofarecess,andinanefforttopleasethecourt,mayIcallmywitnessandpossibly
wrapthisup?”Kurtasked.
“One?”thejudgeasked.
“YesSir,”Kurtresponded.
Thejudgeturnedtowardtheprosecutor.Theprosecutorshruggedhisshoulders.
“Ihaveno
objections,”theprosecutorsighed.
“Verywell.Mytime,thecourt’stime,isprecious.Inanefforttoexpeditethistrial,wewillcontinue.Callyourwitness,”thejudgestated.
“Yourhonor,IcallSpecialAgentRandall
Blackburn,”Kurtsaidasheturnedtofacetheagent.
“Ohyeah.Thisisgoingtobegood,”Averywhispered.
Personally,Icouldn’timagineitbeinganybetterthanitwas.IrealizedIdidn’tfullyunderstandalloftheintricaciesofthelawtheway
Averydid,butfromwhatI’dseen,Kurtwasbutcheringtheprosecution.Hiswayofobtainingtheanswershewantedfromthewitnesseswaswithoutmuchfault.
“Let’stakeatenminuterecessforthebathroom,”thejudgesaidashelookedupattheclock.
“2:13.Iaskthateveryonereturntomycourtroomnolaterthan2:13,”thejudgesaidashestudiedtheclock.
“Ijustwantthistobeover,”SydneysighedastheUSMarshallledthejuryfromtheroom.
“It’llbeoverpretty
soon,”Iresponded.
“ThosefuckingATFagents,”Axtonwhispered.
IturnedtomylefttofaceAxtonandleanedforward,restingmyhandsonmythighs.
“Rottenpricks.I’dliketolineeveryoneofthemup,anddotheworldafavor
bykillingeachandeveryoneof‘em,”hehissed.
“Becareful,”IwhisperedasIraisedoneeyebrowandglancedalongtheranksofSinnersseatedinthecourtroom,“theremightbeoneamongstus.”
“Notinmyclub,”hesaidasheshookhishead,“I
guaranteeit.”
OTISWithashavedhead,atwelveinchlongbeard,andhisarmscoveredintattoos,Special
AgentBlackburnappearedtobeabiker,notanATFagent.Sittingonthewitnessstand,helookedlikehewaspulledfromtheyardinprison,fittedwithsomefancydressclothes,andplacedinthecourtroom.Studyinghimcausedmetorealizehowlittleapersonreallyknows
aboutwhoitisathisside.
“AgentBlackburn,howmanyyearshaveyoubeenwiththeATF,asanagent?”Kurtasked.
“Eighteen,”Blackburnresponded.
Inyoureighteenyears,haveyouworkedinthefieldinanundercover
capacity?”Kurtasked.
“Yes,mostofmycareerhasbeenundercover,”Blackburnnodded.
“Generallyspeaking,whenyouworkundercover,doyouwearsomeformofelectroniclisteningdevice-awire?”Kurtasked.
“Wetryto.Itisn’t
somethingthatcanalwaysbedone,butifpossible,yes,”Blackburnrespondedasheadjustedhimselfintheseat.
Kurtnoddedhishead,“Isitdonetopreserve,ormoreaccurately,tosupportyourinvestigation?”
Blackburnsatupstraightinhisseatandspoke
directlyintothemicrophone,“Yes.Therecordingssupporttheagent’stestimony,andprovidecorroborationincourtoftheeventsdescribedintheinvestigationandinthedailyreports.”
“Sowearingawiresoundslikeit’saproceduralmatter.Isthatcorrect?”Kurt
askedashesteppedtothesideofthelectern.
“YesSir,itis,”Blackburnresponded.
“Thankyouforclearingthatup,SpecialAgentBlackburn,”Kurtsaidinasomewhatsarcastictoneashetookasteptowardthewitnessstand.
Kurtsteppedtothesideofthelecternandplacedhishandsonhiships.“HowmanytimesdidyouaskthedefendantifhewouldretaliateagainsttheHell’sFurybeforeherespondedinamannercontrarytolaw?”
“Two,”Blackburnrespondedinamatteroffact
tone.
“Two?”Kurtasked,thetoneofhisvoicefilledwithannoyance.
“Yes,two,”Blackburnnodded.
Kurtslowlyraisedhishandsintheairandturnedhispalmsoutward,“Notsixoreight?”
“NoSir.Two,”Blackburnsaidflatly.
Kurtshruggedhisshouldersslightlyandtookanothersteptowardthewitnessstand,“Areyoucertain?”
“Very,”Blackburnresponded.
Kurtnoddedhishead
asifacceptingBlackburn’sresponseasaccurate.
“I’vereadthetranscriptsfromtheoriginaltrial.Haveyoumadereferencetothem?”Kurtasked.
“Yes,yesIhave,”Blackburnstated.
“Yourinitial
testimonywasthesame?Two?”Kurtaskedasifheknewtheanswer,butsimplysoughtconfirmation.
“YesSir,”Blackburnrespondedashereachedfortheglassofwatersittinginfrontofhim.
Kurtturnedawayfromthewitnessstand,and
slowlybegantotakethetwoorthreestepstowardthelectern,facingthejuryashespoke,“AsanATFagent,youreceivetraininginregardtolaw,doyounot?”
Blackburnnoddedhishead,“Some,yes.”
“Trainingtoassureyouwillfollowpoliciesand
proceduresinaccordancewithlaw,andnotcontrarytoit,correct?”heaskedashereachedthelectern.
“Thatiscorrect,”Blackburnrespondedasheloweredtheglassofwatertotheplatforminfrontofhim.
“Wouldtworequests,withthesecondresponseby
thedefendantbeingcontrarytolaw,inyourprofessionaltrainedopinion,legallydefinecoercion,inducement,orenticement?”Kurtasked.
Blackburnshookhisheadandchuckled,“NoSir,itsurewouldn’t.Absolutelynot.Askinghimtwiceisnotcoercionorinducement.”
“Outofcuriosity,ifthatnumberwassixoreight,woulditdefinecoercion?”Kurtasked.
Afterashorthesitation,Blackburnrespondedasheleanedtowardthemicrophone,“Itmay.”
“Andyourlengthy
trainingwiththeATFincludedinstructionsandtrainingnottobadger,coerce,induce,orenticealawabidingcitizentocommitacrime,correct?”Kurtasked.
“Thatiscorrect,”Blackburnnodded.
“Underoath,thedefendantstatedhewasasked
nolessthansixtimes.Youhavestatedyouaskedhimtwice.Accordingtoyourearliertestimony,sixwoulddefinecoercion,inducement,andorentrapment,andyoumerelyaskedhimtwice.I’mwondering,areyoutellingthetruthorishe?”Kurtaskedflatly.
“Objection!”theprosecutorhowled.
“Counsel…”thejudgesaidflatly.
“I’lladviseyounottoanswerthequestion,”thejudgestatedasheturnedtowardthewitness.
Thejudgeturnedtowardthejury.
“Beitknownthewitnessisunderoathandsworntotellthetruth,”thejudgesaid.
“HowlongwasyourinvestigationoftheHell’sFury?”Kurtasked.
“Twoyearsandonemonth,”Blackburnresponded.
“Andinthattime,twenty-fivemonths,howmanyarrestsweremade?”Kurtasked.
“One,”Blackburnsighed.
“One?Atwenty-fivemonthlonginvestigationofanOutlawMotorcycleGang,anditonlyproducedone
arrest?”Kurtasked.
“Yes,”Blackburnrespondedashecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischest.
“DidtheATFmakeadecisionnottoprosecutetheothercases?”Kurtasked.
“Therewerenoothercases,”Blackburnsaidunderhisbreath.
“Yousuccessfullyinfiltratedanoutlawgangofmotorcyclethugsfortwenty-fivemonths,andproducedthisasyouronlycase?Seemsmoreliketheywereagroupofgoodoldboys,notanOMG,”Kurtsaidflatly.
“Yourhonor,Iobject.Itappearsthedefensecounsel
haschosentoprovidehisowntestimony,”theprosecutorsnapped.
“I’llaskthejurytostrikethelaststatementmadebytheprosecutor.Counsel,youhavebeenwarned,”thejudgesaidasheraisedhisindexfingerintheair.
Kurtleanedontothe
lecternandpressedhischestontotheplatform.NowstaringattheATFagent,heclearedhisthroat.
Averyslappedmyarmandwhisperedintomyear,“He’sgoingtomakeapoint.Hewantsthejury’sattention.”
“Indiscovery,I
requestedthevoicerecordingoftheconversationonthenightoftheinstantoffence.Iwasadviseditdidnotexistinlegibleformat.Areyouawareofthelackofavailabilityofsaidrecording?”Kurtasked.
“YesSir,Iam.Unfortunately,therecordingdevicedidnotworkproperly
onthatevening,andbackgroundnoisemadetherecordingworthless,”Blackburnresponded.
“Iwasprovidedrecordedconversationsbeforeandafterthedateinquestion.Infact,Ihaveafewhundredhoursofrecordedconversations.Almostfour
hundredhoursifmemoryservesmecorrectly.Now,myquestiontoyouisasfollows…”Kurtpausedandturnedtofacethejury.
“AgentBlackburn,howmanyconversationsthroughthecourseoftheinvestigationwereunintelligible,tothebestof
yourknowledge,thatis?”Kurtaskedashecontinuedtofacethejury.
“One,”Blackburnbreathed.
Kurtturnedtowardthewitnessstand,“I’msorry,Ididn’thearyourresponse.Canyouspeakintothemicrophone?”
Blackburnleanedforwardandbreathedintothemicrophone,“One.”
Kurtnoddedhisheadandchuckledlightly.
“I’mcurious.Duringyourinfiltrationofthegroupofoutlawbikers,didyougivethemyouractualname?”heasked.
“No,”Blackburnchuckled.
“Didyoumakeoneup?”Kurtasked.
“Yes,Idid,”Blackburnresponded.
“Didyougivethemanaccuratehistoryofwhoyouwere?”Kurtasked.
“NoSir,Iprovided
fictitiousinformation.InformationbelievedtobemoreacceptabletothetypeofpeopleIwasinvestigating,”Blackburnsaid.
“Soyoulied.Youtoldliestothebikerstogetthemtoeitherlikeyouoracceptyou,isthatcorrect?”Kurtasked.
“Iobject!”theprosecutorbellowedashestoodfromhisseat.
“Yourhonor,”Kurtsighed,“Thewitnessstatedheprovidedinaccurateinformationtothegroupduringhisinvestigation.I’msimply…”
“I’llrephrasethe
question,”Kurtsaidashegrippedtheedgesofthelecterninhismassivehands.
“Wastheinformationyouprovidedthebikersregardingyourbackgroundandornamethetruth?”Kurtasked.
“No,”Blackburnsighed.
“Wasitalie?”Kurtasked.
“Objection,yourhonor,”theprosecutorsaidashestood.
“I’llallowit,butyoushallmakeyourpointinatimelymanner,counsel,”thejudgesaid.
“Yes,”Blackburnsaid
asheleanedintothebackofhisseat.
“Explainyourthoughtprocesstomeonlyingtothesemenduringtheinvestigation.Whywouldyoufeelcompelledtotellthemlies?”Kurtsaidashesteppedtothesideofthelecternandraisedhishandto
hischin.
Blackburnturnedtofacethejudge.Thejudgeinturnnoddedhishead.BlackburnthenturnedtowardKurt,whowasnowstudyingthejury.
“Topreservetheinvestigation,wearetaughttogiveeitherlimited
information,orfalseinformation.Itprovidesprotectiontothebureauandtotheagent,”Blackburnresponded.
“You’retaughttolieduringyourinvestigations?”Kurtasked.
Blackburnglancedtowardthejudge.Thejudge
noddedhishead.
“Yes,”Blackburngrunted.
“So,throughthecourseofyourwork,youmaytellalie,butit’snotnecessarilyalieinaconventionalsense,becauseyou’reworking,correct?”Kurtasked.
“Objection,yourhonor,askedandanswered,”theprosecutorhollered.
“I’llallowit,”thejudgesaid.
Kurtturnedtowardthejuryandspokeashecontinuedtostareatthejury.
“I’llaskthequestionagain.Throughthecourseof
yourwork,youmaytellalie,butit’snotnecessarilyalieinaconventionalsense,becauseyou’reworking,correct?”heaskedwithoutturningawayfromthejury.
“Correct,we’reoftenrequiredtolie,asyousay,topreservetheinvestigation,”Blackburnresponded.
“Areyoubeingpaidforyourtestimonytoday,agentBlackburn?”Kurtasked.
Blackburnsatstonefacedanddidn’tanswer.
“Youmustnothaveheardme,”KurtsaidasheturnedfromfacingthejurytofacingBlackburn.
“Youtestifiedthatyoutoldliesthroughthecourseofyourworktopreservetheinvestigation.Myquestionwasthis:Areyoubeingpaidforyourtestimonytoday?Areyouworking?”Kurtasked.
“Yes,Iam,”Blackburngrunted.
“Nofurtherquestions,”Kurtsaidasheturnedaway.
“Boom!”Averywhisperedassheslappedmyknee.
Aftertwoshortclosingarguments,andthejudgeprovidingthejurywithaninstructionbooklet,the
jurywasreleasedtotheirdeliberationroom.Aftertheywerecarefullytuckedaway,weweredismissed.AswefilteredintothehallamidsttheATFagentsandUSMarshals,Axtonsteppedtomyside.
“Prettygoodtrial,thatattorney’sonthefucking
ball,”Axtonsaid.
“Goddamnedrightheis,”Averysnappedback.
“Sowhatnow?”Sydneyasked.
IreachedoverandpattedSydneyontheshoulder.Shelookedexhausted,andIsuspectedsheprobablydidn’tsleepat
allthepreviousnight.Toadalsolookedasifhehadn’tsleptforafewdays,andappearedtobeonanentirelydifferentplanet.
“Thejurydeliberates.Theyreadtheinstructions,andtheydecideguiltorinnocence.ThecourtwillcallKurtwhenadecisionis
made,andhe’llcallus.It’s3:30now,sohe’llprobablydismissthejuryat4:45.There’sreallynothingthatwillhappentonight.Sometimesittakessixoreighthours,andothertimesittakestwoorthreedays.Youneverknow,”Averyexplainedasshewalked
aroundmeandtowardSydney.
“Ijust.Iwantthistobeover.Ifeelsosorryforhim.Ihateforhimtogethishopesupandthen,youknow…”Sydneyshrugged.
IwatchedasSinnersgotontheelevatoreightortenatatime,andwentdown
towhatIassumedwasthegroundfloor.Severalotherstookthestairs,talkingquietlyastheydidso.IturnedtoAxtonandshruggedmyshoulders.
“Slice,IfeellikeI’vebeenontrial;thatwasfuckingexhausting.What’stheplan,boss?”Iasked.
“Hell,Ihadnoideawhenwe’dgetoutofhere,lookslikewe’vegottheafternoontoourselves.Hell,thesunsshiningandit’sabeautifulfuckingday.Whatdoyousaywegatherupthefellasandgoterrorizeabar?”hesaid.
“Wegorollingin
sixtydeep,everyonewearingtheircuts,andthey’llthinkwe’regonnashoottheplacetopieces,”Ilaughed.
“Let‘emthinkwhattheywant,”Axtonshrugged.
“Soundsgoodtome,”Inodded.
“Upforabeer,Toad?”IaskedasIslapped
Toadontheshoulder.
“I’mupforwhatever.I’mjustfuckingtired,brother.Haven’tbeensleepingforshit,beenworriedaboutSyd’sbrotherandall,”Toadnodded.
Wehadn’tbeeninthehallwaytenorfifteenminutes,andKurtstepped
intothecorridor,holdinghisphoneinhishand.
“Jury’sreachedaverdict,”Kurtsaid.
“What?”Averysnappedasshespunaround.
Kurtnoddedhishead,“They’llbebringingthembackin.”
“Holyshit,”Avery
saidunderherbreath.
Sydneycoveredhermouthwithherhandsandspokebetweenherfingers,“Avery,what’sthismean?”
“Well,theysayaverdictlikethismeansonlyonething.Thejurydecidedthecaselongbeforetheytrialwasover.Justtakeadeep
breath,eitherway,it’llbefine,Syd,”AverysaidassheleanedoverandhuggedSydney.
Thefewofuswhoremainedinthehallwaywalkedbackintothecourtroomandsatdownwhilewewaitedforthejudgetoentertheroom.Afterabout
atenminutewait,thejudgeentered,andwestoodandafterhewasseated,weallsatdown.InsteadofsixtySinners,therewasmaybefifteenorsoseated.TheATFagentswatchingthetrial,however,remainedinfullforce.AsIglanceddowntherowofSinners,Iwatchedas
AxtongaveonebeardedATFagenttheshittieststinkeyeI’veeverwitnessed.OnlyaftertheATFagentbrokethestaredidAxtonleanintothebackofhisseatandexhale.
“Counsel,pleasestand,”thejudgeinstructed.
Theprosecutionanddefenseattorneysstood.
“Iwantitunderstoodtherewillbenooutburstsinthecourtroom,regardlessoftheverdict,”thejudgesaidfirmlyashestudiedthegroup.
Inoddedmyhead.
Thejudgeturnedtowardthejury.
“Hasthejuryreached
averdict?”thejudgeasked.
“Yes,yourhonor,wehave,”theforemanresponded.
Ireachedtomyleftandright,andafteramomentoffumbling,grabbedbothSydney’sandAvery’shandsandheldthemfirmly.
“Inthematterof
JacksonShephardversustheUnitedStatesofAmerica,whatsayyou?”thejudgeasked.
“InthematterofJacksonShephardversustheUnitedStates,wethejury,findhimnotguilty;ashewasentrappedbytheATFtocommitthecrimelistedinthe
indictment,yourhonor,”theforepersonresponded.
Holyfuckingshit.Kurtreacheddown
andpattedJacksonontheshoulder.Asthejudgequestionedeachjurorregardingtheirfinding,Sydneyleanedforward.Tearsstreamedfromherfaceasshe
madeafewattemptstospeak.Aftercollectingherself,shebegantowhispertoAvery,whowasbouncingherrightlegahundredmilesanhour.
“Whatnow?”Sydneyblubbered,“Howlong…uhhm…howlongdoeshe….uhhm…gobacktoprisonfor?”
“Hedoesn’tgobacktoprison,”Averyresponded,“Hegoeshome.He’sfree.”
“Hedoesn’thave…”Sydneysobbed,“Hedoesn’t…uhhm,hedoesn’thaveahome.”
“Thehellhedoesn’t.We’vegottwoextrarooms.He’sgotahome,”Toadsaid.
Andhe’sgotafamily.
Mostofthemareoutinthestreet,andtherestarerighthere.
OTISFeelingsomewhatfrustratedAxtonandToadhadwomenintheirlives,andBiscuitwasarguablyclosebehindwith
Kat-whileIcontinuedtolivealifeofsolitude-Isatatmykitchentablesippingacupofcoffee.
WonderingifmywayoflivinglifeandtheprecautionsItookregardingoutsiderswaspossiblyalittlestricterthanitshouldbe,Istaredblanklythrough
windowandintomybackyard.AttemptedtocountthepossibilitiesIhadovertheyearsofwomenIfeltcomfortableallowingintomylife-butdidn’t-Isearchedmymindforthosewhohadescapedme.Afteranentirecupofcoffeeworthofconsideration,Icameupwith
onewomaninfifteenyears.
Avery.Avery’sparticipation
duringourbotchedgundealwiththeMS-13,alongwithherquickthinking,reacting,andaccuracywithahandgunnotonlysavedmylife,butprovidedmewithallthereassuranceIneededto
understandshewasawomanwhoIcouldtrust.LookingatAverywithabroaderfieldofvisionprovidedaviewofawomanwhowasconfident,intelligent,brave,beautiful,andresponsible.PriortoAxton’sacceptanceofherintohislife,Iconsideredinvitingherintomine.After
Axton’sclaimedherashisOl’Lady,shebecameofflimits,andnowremainednothingmorethanaclosefriend.
Realizingtherewasonewomanthroughthecourseoffifteenyearswhoprovidedmewithalevelofcomfortgreatenoughto
allowmetoletmyguarddownwasnowherenearreassuring.Infact,themoreIthoughtaboutit,thecleareritbecame.
MylifewasoneIwaslivingnotforme,butforthebettermentandthesecurityoftheSelectedSinnersMC.
Ihadbeenintheclub
sincethebeginning,andalthoughIwasn’tclosefriendswitheverymember,IviewedeachandeveryoneoftheSinnersasabrother.AftermovingmefromSergeant-At-ArmstoVicePresident,IfullyunderstoodIwasnolongerresponsiblefortheirprotectionasfarastheclub
wasconcerned,butreleasingmefromtheresponsibilitycompletelywasimpossible.
Theclubwasfamilytomenodifferentlythanmyfatherandmotherwere,andIwasnaturallyaprotectorofwhatIlovedandcherished.LivingthelifeofaSinnerallowedmetounderstandthe
camaraderiesharedbymilitarymemberswhohadspenttimeincombattogether.Beingamemberoftheclubwasnotmuchdifferent.Knowingabrotherhadmybackwasreassuring,comforting,andprovidedanoddsenseofbalancetoanotherwiseaskewlifeIseemed
tolive.
IgazeddownintotheemptycupofcoffeeandbegantowonderifforfeitingaconventionalwayoflifewassomethingIwaswillingtodo.Theanswerwasasclearastheblueskyoutside-Ihadalreadydoneit.Consciouslyornot,Ihadcast
asideanythingconventionaltoprotectthelivesandpreservetherightsofmybelovedbrothers.TheSinnersweremyfamily,andmorethanlikelytheonlyloveIwouldeverknow.
Istoodfrommyseatandwalkedtothekitchensink.Afterrinsingthecupof
coffeeandplacingitinthedishwasher,Iwalkedtomybedroomandgrabbedmycut.MythoughtsofSamandtheuntimelydeathofhermotherhadbeguntofade,buttheeventopenedmyeyesandallowedmetohaveabetterunderstandingofmyself,mylife,andmytruelove.
TheSelectedSinners.
Iopenedthedoortothegarageandpressedthebuttononthewalltoopenthedoorleadingtothedriveway.Istoodonthestepsandglancedaround.Anobviousextensionofmeandmybeliefs,thegaragewasfilledwithtoolsandequipmentfor
workingonbikes,mytwomotorcycles,andmy1969Z-28Camaro.Nosecondcar,noflowerpotsorplanters,andnoindicationofanyinterestsotherthanthecarandbikes.Satisfiedmylifewaswhatitwasmeanttobe,Igrinnedandfiredupthebike.Asthemotorwarmed
uptooperatingtemp,thelowrumbleoftheexhaustfilledmewithpleasure.Ridingamotorcyclewasn’tsomethingImerelyenjoyed,itwaspartofmybeing.EachtimeIrodewasasexcitingasthefirst,andforthatIwasextremelygrateful.Ifridingamotorcycleeverbecame
boring,Isuspectedmylifewouldbecomethesame.
Irodetotheclubhouse,enjoyingthesunsetagainstthefewcloudsthathaddevelopedalongthewesternsky.Withthewarmsummerairagainstmyface,Igazedaheadattheslightcurveinthehighwayleading
intotown.Theemptyhighwayinvitedmetotwistbackthethrottle,andIdidsowithoutreservation.Nowheadingintothecurveateightymilesperhour,Ileanedthebiketomyleft,draggingthetoeofmybootagainstthepassingpavementasIdidso.Thetipsofmy
bootsactedasameasuringstickofsortsforhowfartoleanmybike,anddoingsountilmybootsdrugagainsttheroadprovidedmeasenseofworth.Asthecurvestraightenedintoopenroad,Ileanedright,bringingthebikebacktoupright.
Inthedistance,a
tractorcrossingthehighwayremindedmeofthesummersooncomingtoaclose,afarmerobviouslyspendingasmanydaylighthoursaspossibleharvestinghiscrops,heattemptedtocrosstheroadbeforeIarrivedattheintersection.Idownshifted,releasedtheclutchand
grinnedatthesoundbellowingfromtheexhaust.Asthedistancebetweenmeandthetractorquicklydecreased,Idownshiftedagain,thenagain,almostcomingtoastopbeforethetractorcompletelycrossedtheroad.Asmybikeslowedtoanalmoststop,thefarmer
reachedoutthesidewindowofthetractorandwaved,obviouslyrealizinghispoorjudgementincrossingtheroadinfrontofme.
Iliftedmylefthand,waved,andtwistedthethrottle.Asthebikequicklyaccelerated,Ishiftedthroughthegearsuntilonceagain
reachingtheeightymileperhourmark.Aquickglanceinmyrearviewmirrorrevealedadustcloudfollowingthefarmer’stractordownthecountyroadhetraveledalong.
AsIconsideredthathewasprobablygoinghometoalatedinner,thoughtsof
havingawomaninmylifebegantorunthroughmyheadandfilledmyminduntilIrodeintotown.StrugglingwithwhetherornotI’deverbeabletocomehometoaprepareddinner,underanotherperson’sexpectationofdoingso,Isloweddownforthefirsttrafficlight.
Isatatthelight,gazingblanklyintotheroadahead,asanoldschoolHarleyapproachedthelightintheoncominglane.Alate1960’sShovelheadSpringerwithafaceIrecognizedasbeingoneofthelocalPatriotGuardcametoastopinthelaneimmediatelytomyleft.
BillwasaVietnamVet,rodewiththeGuard,andoftenattendedthefuneralsofveteranswhowerebeingprotestedbyPastorFredPhelps’WestboroBaptistChurch;providingalineofseparationbetweentheprotestorsandthefamiliesofthevet.
Asthelightturnedgreen,Billloweredhislefthandtohissideasherodeby.Ididthesame.Somethingassimpleasloweringone’slefthandhadbecometheuniversalbikerwaveovertheyears;andaseasyasitwastodo,noteveryonedidit.Thefewwhodidstoodforone
thingandonethingonly,realizingitwasasbigapartofbeingabikerasanythingelse.Inrecognizingthis,IfeltIhadmyanswertomyabilitytocomehometodinneronanightlybasis.
Theanswerwasno.Andthewavestood
forfreedom.
OTISAxtonheldhishandsintheairashestudiedthegroupofmenassembledintheoffice.Anuneducatedglanceatmy
brothersledmetobelieveifnotallofthemenwereinattendance,almostallofthemwere.Asthecrowdquieteddownfromadullroartocompletesilence,Axtonloweredhishandsandsighed.
“Asyouknowfromtheannouncement,we’regoingtohaveaspecialvote.
Thoseinattendancetonightwillbeconsideredtheentireclub,regardlessofwhetherornotallpatchedmembersareinattendance.Beitknownthatanymembernotinattendancewillforfeittheirvoteinsaidmatter.Icannotvote,norwillIattempttoprejudiceyourthoughtson
this,butweneedtodecideonsomethingthat’sbeenbroughttomyattentionasamotionbyamemberoftheExecutiveCommittee,andwassecondedbyanothermemberofthecommittee.Allrecordsofsaidconversationandmotionwererecordedbyyourstruly,”Axtonextended
hisarmtowardFancy,whogrinnedandraisedhishandasAxtonpointedathim.
“Here’swhatwe’vegot,fellas,”Axtonsaidasheturnedandsurveyedthegroup.
“JacksonShephard,yourSergeant-At-Armsfuturebrother-in-law,andthe
manweallsupportedintrialtheotherday,hasbeenreleasedfromhisformerclubathisrequest.Henowisalocalresident,andliveswithToad.Thebylawsallowforthetransferofafullypatchedmemberofanotherclubintoourclubwithoutprospecting,butitrequiresavoteofone
hundredpercentinagreement.Personally,Ican’tvouchforthisman,butIcansayI’vespokentothePresidentofHell’sFury.Accordingtohim,Jacksonwasnotonlyapatchedinmember,butwassolidasarockthroughouthislegalbattleandincarceration.
Whenmanymenwouldhavedroppedadimeontheirbrothers,hekepthismouthshut.ThevotetonightwillbewhetherornottoallowhimtocomeintotheSinnersasafullypatchedmember.Thiswillbeaprivatevote,andasIsaidearlier,thiswillrequireaonehundredpercentvote,
fellas.Anyquestions?”
“Iain’tsayingIagreeordisagree,andIknowit’sinthebylaws,butjustoutofcuriosity,whywouldn’twehavehimbeaProspect?”Peteasked.
“Respect,”Axtonresponded,“ToadandIdiscussedthisatthemeeting
whenthemotionwasmadetoallowthevote.LetmehaveToadexplaintheanalogywediscussed.”
AxtonturnedtofaceToadandnoddedhishead.
Afterclearinghisthroat,Toadbegan,“Ifaman’sintheArmy,Navy,orAirForce,andhewantsto
transfertobeaMarine,hemustgothroughbasictrainingalloveragain.It’shumbling,andalthoughhemaybeaSergeantorwhateverintheArmy,theMarineCorpswon’tallowhimtocomeinuntilhecompletestheirbasictraining.But,ifaMarine
wantstotransferintoanyotherbranch,hecandosowithoutanyrestrictionsorgoingthroughthebasictrainingofthebranchhe’stransferringintoagain.Basictraining,forthosewhodon’tunderstand,isbasicallybeingaProspectforthemilitary.TheMarinesareviewedby
theotherbranchesofthemilitaryasbeingtrainedinasuperiorfashion,andonceaMarinehascompletedhisProspecting,andreceivedhispatchsotospeak,hecantransfertoanyothermilitarybranch.Ourbylawsarenodifferentthananyother1%clubsbylawsinthisregard.
Weviewanyoneasbeingina1%clubasbeingtrainedinasuperiorfashion,andaskinghimtocompletetheprocessagainisnotonlydisrespectfultohim,butdisrespectfultotheclubheoriginallyprospectedfor.Andthisbylawonlyappliestomemberswhowerereleased
ingoodstanding.”
Pete,aswellasmanyothermeninattendance,noddedtheirheads.Gunner,aformerArmymachinegunner,pointedatToadandnoddedhisheadasToadfinishedhisspeech.
“He’sright,”Gunnernodded,“AMarinecanwalk
inwhereverhewants,butnoonecanwalkintotheCorps.”
ToadglancedatGunnerandstaredforamomentbeforenoddinghishead.Forsomereason,therealwaysseemedtobealittlemilitarytensionbetweenthetwo,andIalwaysdismissedittobeingthedifference
betweenbeingaMarineandbeinganArmysoldier.That,andthefactToaddidn’tparticularlyopenuptojusteveryone.
IpattedToadonthebackandgrinned.
“Goodfuckingspeech,”Ichuckled.
“Appreciateit,Toad.
So,”Axtonsighed,“Fancywillpassaroundslipsofpaper.There’sabouttenpensonthetabletoshare,andtosaveanyconfusion,ayesvotemeansyouagreetoallowhimin,andanovotemeansyoudon’tagree.Ifthere’sonenovote,theanswerisno.Iftheansweris
yes,itwasagreedbytheentireclub,andIwon’tallowanyfuturebitchingorcomplainingabouthimbeingafullypatchedmember.He’spaidhisduesandthensome,hejustdidn’tpay‘emhere.”
Fancybegantopassslipsofpaperthroughthecrowd.Aftereveryonehada
slipofpaper,thepensbegantofloatthroughtheroom.Afterroughlyfiveminutesitwasover,andtheslipsoffoldedpaperwereprovidedtoFancy.
“Officialcountfortheattendance?”Axtonasked.
Fancyglanceddownathisnotepad,“Thirty-four,
includingyou.”
“Counttheslipsasyouread‘emoff,we’llneedthirty-threeforayesdecision.Youcanstopcountingassoonasyoureadoffano,”Axtonexplained,“AndhandtheslipstotheV.P.forconfirmationafteryoureadthemifyouwill.”
Fancynoddedhisheadinmydirection.
“Oneyes.Twoyes.Threeyes.Fouryes.Fiveyes…”Fancysaidasheunfoldedandreadeachvoteindividually.
Afterreadingeachslip,hehandedthemtoToad,whointurnhandedthemto
me.IconfirmedeachslipwasmarkedasFancyindicated,andthenplacedthemonthetableinahelmetsittinginthecenterofthetable.
“Thirty-twoyes,andthelast.Thirtythree,”Fancygrinnedasheunfoldedthelastpieceofpaper.
“Thirty-three’sayes,”
hesaidashehandedthesliptoToad.
InoddedinagreementasToadhandedthesliptome.
“Wellfellas,it’sunanimous.Toad,sendhimatextorcallhimandhavehimgethisassuphere,”Axtonpausedandglancedaround
thegroup.
“Now,allwe’vegottodoisnamethispoorfucker.HisformerclubnamewasKiller,andthatdamnedneargothimlifeinprison.Hedoesn’thaveanyrecommendationsfromwhatBrotherToadhassaid,soI’mopenforsuggestions,”Axton
shrugged.
“IsaywecallhimMeathead.Helookslikeoneofthosemeat-headedfuckersfromthegym.He’sallswoleup,”Petesaidasheraisedhisarmsandflexedhisbiceps.
“WealreadygotaJackandaGovernmentJack,”Knucklelhead
hollered,“IsayweeithercallhimMeatheadorBigJack.He’sabigfuckerforsure.”
“Anyoneelse?”Axtonasked.
“MeatheadremindsmeofthatdumbfuckerontheArchieBunkerT.V.show,Idon’tlikeit.BigJacksoundsgood,butMeathead
justremindsmeofthatbald-headedfuckerontheshow,”Tatersaid.
“Well,noteveryone’sasoldasyou,Tater,”Axtonchuckled,“Anyoneelse?”
“SecondChance,”Gunnerchuckled,“Let’scallhimSecondChance.”
Axtonshookhishead
andgrinned,“Anyoneelse?”
“BigJackisagoodone,”Mikenodded.
“Well,whenhegetshere,we’llsee,”Axtonnodded,“Anyoneelse?”
Afterafewsecondsofsilence,Axtonraisedhishands,“Feelfreetowanderyourassesarounduntilhe
getshere.Youdon’thavetostay,butifyoudo,feelfreetodrinkyourbeersorwhatever.Andremember,don’ttossyouremptiesinmyshitcan.Toss‘emintheshop.”
Asthecrowddiminishedandmemberseitherleftorwanderedintotheshop,ToadandIwereleft
intheofficewithafewotherlingeringmembers.
“You’relookinggood.Looklikeyou’vesleptsinceIsawyoulast,”Isaid.
Toadsighed,“Itellyouwhat,Idon’tthinkIsleptgoodonevenonenightforthetwoweeksbeforethetrial.BetIlosttenpounds.
It’sallgoodnow,andotherthanJackbeingalittleskittishjustcomingoutofprisonandall,he’sadamnedgoodguy.IthoughtCornDogwasbadwhenhegotout,butJack’sprettydamnednervousaboutpeoplegettingupclosetohimorwalkingbehindhim.”
“Yeah,probablythedifferencebetweenbeinginstateprisonandamaximumsecurityfedjoint.I’mgonnaguesshimbeinga1%erandall,heprobablyhadquiteafewpeoplewhotriedtochallengehiswillingnesstostandupagainstthem,”Ishrugged.
Toadnoddedhishead,“Sofar,hehasn’tofferedtotalkaboutitmuch,andSydneyandIdecidednottoask,soI’mnotsure.Heseemsprettyquiet,really.Sydney’ssurehappytohavehimback,that’sforsure.”
Inoddedmyhead,thinkingabouttheday
Sydneyranouttomybikeatthebank.WhensheaskedmetotakehertoBiscuit’shouse,makingthestatementdevillooksafterhisown,Iknewsomethingwasup,Ijustdidn’tknowwhat.Later,whenIfoundoutthebankhadbeenrobbed,andToadhadsinglehandedly
apprehendedtherobber,Iknewshewassomehowinvolvedwiththerobbery.Herreluctancetoprovideanyinformationontherobbery,Toad,oranythingtodowiththepersonwhorobbedthebankcausedmetoimmediatelydevelopafeelingofappreciationforher
andherabilitytokeephermouthshut.
TheexplanationthatfollowedofherbrotherandhisinvolvementwithHell’sFuryexplainedalotaboutherknowledgeofclubs,clubprocedures,andtheimportanceofnottalkingbeforethinkinglongandhard
aboutwhetherornotitwasnecessary.Sydney,nodifferentthanAvery,wasagreatadditiontomyextendedfamily.
“I’mgladhe’sback.It’sgoodforher,that’sforsure.I’msurehe’llmakeasgoodofabrotherforusashehasforher,”Isaid.
Thesoundofabikepullingintothelotechoedthroughtheshopandintotheoffice.IwonderedasthetoneoftheexhaustincreasedifitmightbeJack.
“Imagineso.Well,thatsoundslikemySoftail,maybeweoughttowalkouttotheshopandgreethim.
He’sliabletosmacktheshitoutofsomeoneiftheybumpintohim,”Toadsaidashetiltedhisheadtotheside.
Aswewalkedoutintotheshop,IimmediatelynoticedJacksittingonToad’sSoftailinthedrive.Inboots,jeans,andawifebeater,hesurelookedthepart.Roughly
thesizeofToadfromthewaistdown,itwasapparenthewasn’tnaturallyabigman,andallofhissizecamefromhardworkontheweightbench.
Andsizewassomethinghedidnotlack.AsherecognizedToad,hestoodfromthebikeandstretched
hisback.Hisslimtorsomadehisalreadymassiveupperbodyappeartobetwicethesizeitalreadywas.Hisshortblondehairandtanfromallofthetimehe’dspentontheyardatprisonmadehimlooklikethemeatheadPetehadjokedabout.IfIdidn’tknowhim,I’dcertainlythinktwice
aboutgoingoneroundintheringwithhim,andI’dfightjustaboutanyone.
“Well,Jackson.Wevoted,”Axtonsaidashesteppedintothedrive.
JackstoodstonefacedandwaitedforAxtontofinishhisthought.
Axtonspreadhisarms
wide,“WelcometotheSinners.”
JackgrinnedasheembracedAxton.Afterafewslapsontheback,AxtonandJackseparated,andJacktookafewstepsinourdirection,stoppingafewfeetfromwhereToadandIstood.
“Comeintotheoffice
inafewandI’llgetyoufittedforacut.Imakemyown,soit’llbetomorrowbeforeit’sdone.Thefellasallspoke,anditlooksliketheywanttocallyouBigJack.We’vegotafew;JackandGovernmentJack,butdon’thaveaBigJack.Yourthoughts?”Axtonasked.
“BigJacksoundsgood,”Jacknodded.
“Well,you’reabigfucker,that’sforsure.Now,whenyougetdoneminglingwiththefellas,I’llbeintheoffice.Oneofthesetwocanshowyouaround,”Axtonsaidasheturnedtowardtheshop.
“Gotaquestion,boss,”Jacksaidunderhisbreath.
Axtonturnedaroundandcrossedhisarmsoverhischest.AshestoodandstudiedJack,heflexedhisbiceps.Asmallshowoftestosterone,andoneofAxton’ssignatureposes,it
wasobviousAxtonneededJacktoknowregardlessofhissize,justwhoitwasthatwasthebiggerman.
“Whatmightthatbe?”Axtonaskedflatly.
“Whoputthemoneyonmybooks?”Jackasked.
“Theclub,”Axtonrespondedwithoutany
emotion.
AsAxtonturnedaround,Jackclearedhisthroat.
“Whoputthemoneyonmybooks?”Jackaskedagain,placingemphasisonthewordwho.
Axtonturnedaroundandshookhishead.
“Semantics,”Axtonsighed,“Hisname’sBiscuit.Bigbarrel-chestedfuckerwithbrownhairandabeard.He’llbetheonetellingsomebullshitstoryintheshop.Justlistenfortheloudestvoice,andlookforthecrowd.Why?”
“Appreciatewhatthe
club’sdoneforme,boss,Ireallydo.AndIappreciatethemoneyonmybooks,muchfuckingmorethantheFurydidforme,that’sforGoddamnedsure.Butsomeonehadtotakethetimetosendit.Youknow,taketheriskofbeingontheFed’sradarforsendingmoneyto
me.Justwantedtothankhim,that’sall,”Jackexplained.
“IntroducehimtoBiscuit,”Axtonsaidasheturnedaround.
“Otis,wemetinthecourtroom,”IsaidasIextendedmyhand.
“HeardplentyaboutyoufromSydandToadhere.
Theysayyou’regoodpeople.Ifyou’regoodwiththem,you’regoodwithme,”herespondedasheshookmyhand.
“Likewise,”Inodded.
“Followme?I’llintroduceyoutoBiscuit,”Isaid.
Jacknoddedhishead.
Iturnedaroundandslowlywalkedinside,makingcertaintochoosemypathwisely,andtryingtoavoidallofthelargegroupsofmenwhoweregatheredtalking.Aswewalkedintotheshop,mostofthemenstoppedwhattheyweredoingortalkingabout,andtookasecond
glanceatJack.Therewasn’tmuchthatwouldtypicallyintimidateaSinner,butiftherewas,Jackjustmightbeit.Asthemengawkedathissheersizeandobviousattitude,IwalkeduptoBiscuit.AsAxtonhinted,hewasinthecorneroftheshopwithfiveofthefellaswho
stoodeagerlylisteningtoastoryhewastelling.
“Biscuit,”Isaidaswewalkeduptothegroup.
“What’shakin’O?”Biscuitsaidashestoppedtalkingandturnedawayfromthegroup.
Iraisedmychinslightlyandtiltedmyhead
towardJack,“Manwantedtotalktoya.”
BiscuitstudiedJackforasecond,andsteppedtothesideofthegroup.BiscuitwasasfullofshitasaChristmasturkey,butintimidatinghimwouldtakeanarmyofmen,notone.
“WhatcanIhelpya
with?”BiscuitaskedashelookedupanddownJack’sframe.
“Heardyouweretheonewhoputthemoneyonmybooks,”Jacksaid.
BiscuitshookhisheadandglanceddownatJack’sboots,“Moneycamefromtheclub.”
“Heardyouweretheonewhosentmethemoney.Themoneytheclubraisedforme.Youweretheonewhoputitonmybooks,”Jacksaidflatly.
Biscuitshiftedhisgazetomine,thentowardToad,andquicklyshiftedhiseyestomeetJack’s,“Yougot
therightfella.Isthereaproblem?”
“Justwantedtopersonallythankyaforsendingit.Iappreciateya.Ifyoueverneedanything,justletmeknow.Name’sJack.BigJack,”Jacksaidasheextendedhishand.
Biscuitgrinnedand
shookhishand,“Biscuit.Stickaroundandhaveabeer.”
Jackcrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestandnoddedhisheadonce,“I’llbeback.Justgottoseethebossaboutmycut.”
“I’llberighthere,”Biscuitsaidasheleaned
forwardandimmediatelybegantalking.
“Hegoodpeople?”Jackaskedasweturnedtowalkaway.
“OneofthefewI’llrunwith,”Iresponded,“Biscuit,Slice-thePresident,andToadhere,that’saboutit.”
Jacknoddedhisheadinacknowledgementasthethreeofuswalkedtowardtheoffice.Aswesteppedthroughthedoor,Axtonheldacutupintheairandstudiedit.
“Thisisanextra-large,tryit,”hesaidashehandedthecuttoJack.
“Everything’s
Americanmadeasfarastheleathergoes,andIsewitallmyself.Sometimesthepatcheslookshaky,butIembroiderthename’smyself,”AxtonexplainedasJacktriedonthecut.
“Fitsperfect,”Jacksaid.
Axtonnoddedhis
headinagreement,“Looksgood.”
‘Sew‘emupyourself,huh?”Jackaskedasheremovedthecut.
Axtonnoddedhisheadashereachedforthecut,“Can’tthinkofdoingitanyotherway.”
“Saysalotaboutyour
prideinbeingthebossoftheclub,that’sfordamnedsure.Can’tevergowrongwithAmericanmade,either,”Jacksaid.
“We’llagreeonthat,andIappreciateit.Itakealotofprideinthisclub,mybrothers,andthequalityofmembers.Noworriesabout
someATFwannabefuckingwithyouinhere,”Axtonbragged.
“We’llseeaboutthat,”Jackgrowled,“FarasI’mconcerned,I’llstickclosetothethreeofyouandthatBiscuitfella.I’mnotheretoswapstories,makefriends,orlearnhowtobeabad-ass.
Nobody’dbelievemystories,I’llneverhavemanyfriends,andIain’tmetamanyetwho’sbigormeanenoughtowhipme,”hepausedandglancedtowardme.
“Exceptmaybethisbigfuckerhere,”hesaidasheslappedhishandagainstmyback.
Axtoncrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestandgrinnedashealternatedglancesbetweenus,“Somefellasareloversandsomearefighters.Toad?He’salittleofboth.Otis?Hedoesn’tknowadamnedthingaboutloving,butfighting?Hecouldprobablywriteabest-selling
bookonthesubject.”
“Goodtoknow,”Jacksaid.
“Havethecutreadytomorrownight,”Axtonsaid.
Jackshiftedhisgazetomeetmineandtiltedhisheadtowardthedoor,“Appreciateit,feelnakedwithoutone.We’llleaveyou
toyourbusiness.”
Afterwewalkedthroughthedoorandintotheshop,Jackturnedtofaceme,“AnychanceyoutwoandthatBiscuitfellawanttogetalittleridingin?It’sbeenabitsinceIspentanytimeonabike,andI’mitchingtogetoutontheroad.”
“I’mgame,”IshruggedasIglancedatToad.
“Same,”Toadresponded,“Headtotownandgetabeer?”
“Aslongaswe’reheadedtoAvery’soldjoint,I’msureBiscuit’llagree,”Isaidwithalaugh.
“Why’sthat?”Toadasked.
“Newgirlinthere.Tall,thin,andkindofadirtyblondenamedKat.Cutelittlebitch.She’sBiscuit’snewbitch,”Isaid.
Toadshookhisheadaswewalkedtowardthegroupofmengathered
aroundBiscuit.
“WhenyougonnafindyouanOl’Lady?”Toadaskedoverhisshoulder.
Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Youheardtheman.I’llleavethelovinguptoyouandSlice.I’mnotalover,I’mafighter.”
And,asmuchasI
wantedtoembracethestatement,andhadtrulycometobelieveitwaswhereI’dremain,IhadmyreservationsastowhetherornotitwaswhereIbelonged.
OTISThefortyminuterideinthehotsummerairmadeeachofusmorethanreadyforacolddrinkbythetimewerolled
intothebar.Theatmospherewasn’tmuchdifferentthanthenightBiscuitandImetKat;withtheexceptionofus,fourpatrons,awaitress,andabartenderwereallthatoccupiedtheestablishment.KatnotworkingwasaminorsetbackasfarasBiscuitwasconcerned,butinmyeyesit
allowedustogettoknowJackwithoutanydistractions.
“Otistellsmeyoubeenfuckingsomecollegegirlwhoworkshere.Whatthehell’swrongwithyou,Biscuit?”Toadaskedaswesatdowninthebooth.
Biscuitranhishandthroughhishairasheshook
hishead,“Shitbrother,ain’tadamnedthingwrongwithme,wait‘tillyouseeher.Ithinkyou’llagreeBiscuit’sdoin’prettydamnedgoodwiththisone,collegegirlornot.We’vebeenfuckin’likeacoupleofCatholicrabbits.Thatgirl’sgotthesexualdriveofathreepeckeredbilly
goat.”
“Sheiscuteasfuck,”Iagreed.
“Rightnow,IthinkI’dfuckanyonewhoagreedtoholdstilllongenoughformetopoke‘em,”Jackchuckled,“Andthat’dbeabouttensecondsworth,it’sbeenquiteastretchforme.”
BiscuitleanedintothetableandrubbedhisbeardwithhishandasheturnedtowardJack,“Ibetyou’rehornierthanafourteenyearoldboywhojustfounddaddy’sPlayboycollection.”
“Prettydamnedclose,”Jackchuckled.
“Kitchenclosesin
twentyminutesifyouwantfood.Ifnot,thebar’sopentilltwo.Wanttoseeamenu?”thewaitressasked.
“What?Justgetsomebeers?”Biscuitshrugged.
“Budweiser.Idon’twantToadtryingtoorderbeers.We’llendupwithsomepalealeorangeapple
ciderbullshit,”Isaidjokingly.
Thethirty-somethingyearoldwaitresswasattractive,butlookedlikesheprobablyhadahousefulofkidsandahusbandathome.Thediamondringonherfingercouldhavebeenagimmick,butthedepression
thathaddevelopedintheskinonherfingercamefromwearingitformanyyearsifitwas.
“FourBud’s?”sheasked.
“Makeittwelve.We’llgothroughthefirstfourinaboutaminute,”Biscuitresponded.
ShetitledherheadtothesideplayfullyandturnedtowardBiscuit,“I’llbringeightandassoonasyousetyouremptiesatthesideofthetable,I’llbringfourmore.Youdon’twanttodrinkhotbeers,doyou?”
“Smartgirlrightthere,”Biscuitsaidashe
tossedhisheadherdirection,“Makeiteight.”
“Berightback,”shesaidassheturnedaway.
Biscuitglancedaroundthegroupandeventuallyshiftedhisgazeupwardasherubbedhisbeard.Itappearedhewasthinkingofwhichstoryhe
wantedtograceuswith.Ashesearchedthroughhismemoryforsomethingtorevealtothegroup,Jackbrokethesilence.
“Soyoufellastakeanylongrides?GotoSturgis?”Jackasked.
Ishookmyhead,“Don’tgotoSturgis,butwe
makesomeprettygoodruns.AustinfortheROTRally,anddowntoPhoenixfortheArizonaBikeWeek.SomeofthefellasgodowntoDaytona,butit’salongrideandstillwinterherewhenthatfuckerpopsoff.”
“NoSturgis,huh?”Jackchuckled.
“Sturgishasbecomeatrailer-fest.Everyswingingdickinthecountrydragshisbikethereonatrailerandthenridesthefuckeraroundtownforafewdays.Someofthefellasheaduptherealone,butwedon’tmakeaclubrun,”Toadresponded.
Jacknoddedhishead
andgrinnedasthewaitressdroppedoffthebeers.Afterhenervouslygrabbedthefirstbeer,weallreachedforabottle.
“NevercaredforthatRallymyself;bunchofamateurs,”Jacksaidasheheldhisbeerelevatedoverthecenterofthetable.
Eachofusgrabbedabeer,openedit,andraisedthemfortheobvioustoastJackintended.Asourbottlesclankedtogether,Jackspoke.
“Here’stobeingfree,ridinghard,andsleepingonasoftbed,”Jacksaid.
Afterdrinkinghalfhisbottleofbeerinonegulp,he
raisedhisbottleagain.Weimmediatelyfollowedandwaitedforhisnextbitofwisdom.
“Andhere’stoSlice’sOl’LadyAvery.Withouther,I’dstillbeeatingStarCrunchanddrinkingcoldinstantcoffeeinmycell,”hesaidashetiltedhisbottleintoours.
“Damnedfinewomanrightthere,”Biscuitsaidasheloweredhisbottletothetable.
IgazedtowardthebathroomentranceblanklyasCitizenCope’sSidewaysbegantoplayoverthesoundsystem.AsImentallyfadedawayforamomentand
becameengrossedinthewordsofthemusic,IrealizedIwasseatedinapositionwhichmademeslightlyuncomfortable.Naturally,IalwaystriedtopositionmyselffacingtheentranceofanybarIwasseatedin.Ifnot,Igenerallystoodbythedoor,andfeltasifIwasguarding
thefellasfromanypotentialharmorthreatwhomightchoosetoenter.Havingmybacktothedoormademenervous.Toad’sPTSDmadehimfarmoreskittishthanIwas,andhealwaysdemandedheneverbeseatedwithhisbackfacingthedoor.Tonight,JackandToadsat
facingthedoorwithBiscuitandIfacingtherestroomsintherearofthebar.AlthoughIfeltalittleuneasy,IrealizedhavingJack’sbacktothedoorprobablywasn’tanoptionconsideringhisjusthavingbeenreleasedfromprison.AsItriedtocomprehendwhatJackhad
beenthroughforthemanyyearshewaslockedupinprison,Biscuit’selevatedtonebroughtmebacktoaconsciousstateofmind.
“So,weweresupposedtoleavetogototheROTRallyinaboutaweek.TherewasthiscutelittleAsianbitchworkingatthis
Thaiplace,andatthetime,Ihadn’tfuckedmeanAsianyet.SoI’dbeengoin’inthereandbein’sweetonthislittlebitch,”Biscuitpausedandtookadrinkofhisbeer.
Herestedhisforearmsonthetable,leanedalmosttothecenter,andwidenedhiseyes,“Soshe’salittlefucker
‘boutfourfootnothin’andhastheselittletittiesthatlookbigbecauseshe’ssodamnedtiny.HadanassaboutthesizeofaJonathanapple,butonthemskinnylittlelegsandagainstthateighteeninchwaistitlookedlikeKimfuckingKardashian’sass.Soanyway,we’reaweekout,
andIheadintheretogetmesomeAsianpussybeforetherun.”
“SoIgetinthere,andsheain’tmywaitress,thisothercutelittlechickis.Butthatain’twhatthisisabout.SoIordermyfoodandgetthatspicypeanutchickenshittheysell.YouguyseatThai
food?”heaskedwithwideeyes.
“Hadsome,”Toadnodded.
Ishookmyhead.
Jackshookhisheadandlaughed,“Don’tfuckwiththestuff.”
“Well,lemmetellya,itain’tspicy,it’sfuckinghot.
Soanyway,Iorderthisshit,andafterabit,abigplateofitshowsup.NowI’mabouthalfpissedthislittleVietnameseprincessain’tworking,soIgobblethisshitdown.NowI’mwaitin’onmycheck,andmygutstartsmakingthemnoises.Youknowthemnoiseswhenyou
knowsomething’sgonnahappenanditain’tgonnabegood?”
Jacknoddedhisheadandliftedhisbeer,“Likeaftereatin’aburritooutofthetoilet.”
“What?”Biscuitsnappedback,“Atoiletburrito?”
Jacknoddedhisheadandlaughed,“Contraband.Ifyougetcaughtwiththem,yougotothehole,soyoucan’tleave‘emoutinthecell,andyouneedtokeep‘emcoldanyway.SotheMexican’swouldstealthefoodfromthekitchenandsmuggleittothecellsand
makeupburritos.They’dsell‘emforstampsandstore.They’dcomewrappedinapieceofplastic,likefromagarbagebag.Theendwastiedandit’dbeairtight,andwekept‘eminthetoilettokeep‘emcolduntilwewantedtoeat‘em.Toilet’skindoflikea‘fridgeinthe
joint.Gotsickonafewofthosefuckers,that’sforsure.Sorryforinterrupting,goahead.”
Biscuitleanedawayfromthetableandwidenedhiseyes,“Youateshitoutofatoilet?”
Jacknoddedhishead,“Didn’thaveachoice.Food,
drinks,everything.Youtieastringtoit,shoveitinthetoilet,andpullitoutwhenyouwantit.Ifthecopscome,youflushit.Aftertheyleave,iftheydon’tfindtheendofyourstring,youpullitbackoutofthesewerandeithereatitordrinkit.”
“Goddamn,”Biscuit
saidasheshookhisheadfromside-to-side.
Ifeltthesameway,butdidn’tdareembarrassJackbysayingso.Lifeinprisonwaswithoutadoubtdifferentthanlifeontheoutside.Toimaginelivingeverydayconfined,underthewatchfuleyeoftheguards,
andhavingafewthousandpeoplewhowantedtotryandtestyourabilitytofightonadailybasiswasmorethanIwantedtotryandimagine.
“Goahead,”Jacksaid,“Iapologizeforinterrupting.”
Biscuitnarrowedhisgazeashestareddownatthetableandshookhishead,
“Okay,soI’mwaitin’onmycheck,andmygut’sarumblin’andmakin’noise,andIknowit’stimetogo.Ireachintomywallet,pulloutatwenty,anddropitonthetable.IrunouttomybikeandridethatfuckerhomelikeI’dstoleit.Wholeway,it’sacointossastowhetherI’m
gonnashitmypantsormakeitontime.Ipullthatfuckerinthedrive,hopoff,andrunintothehouse,droppingmypantsasI’mrunnin’.”
“SoIgetintotheshitter,andjustexplode.AmiracleIevenmadeit,I’mtellin’ya.Soforaboutfourhours,Igottheshits.Nowfor
situationslikethis,Ikeepthempills,theanti-diarrheastuff,ImodiumAD.Itakeabouttenofthosefuckersandfinallyitstops,”hepausedandreachedforanotherbottleofbeer.
Heheldhisfingerintheairashetookadrinktomakesureweallknewthe
storywasn’tover.Asheloweredhisbottletothetable,hecontinued.
“Sothatain’teventhestory,thestory’sthis.ItooksomanyofthosedamnedpillsthatIdidn’tshitforaweek,andwegottherallycomin’upintwodays.Finally,itcame.Whenitdid,
itwasaweek’sworth,andaboutthesizeofatenyearoldboy’sarm.Fuckerrippedmyasstoshreds.Now,althoughIfinallytookashit,I’minprettysadshapeandIgotahemorrhoidthesizeofaJohnsonvilleBratwursthangingoutofmyass,”hehesitated,turnedhispalms
up,andwidenedhiseyes.
“Goddamn,”Jacksighed,“That’sabitch.Andtherun’safewdaysout?”
I’dheardthestorytentimesovertheyearsfromhalfadozendifferentpeople.Thefirsttimeitmademeabouthalfsick,buteverytimeafterthefirst,Icouldn’thelpbut
laugh.IwascurioustohearJack’sresponsetoBiscuit’sproblemsolvingskills,andsatanxiouslywaitingforBiscuittocontinuehistale.
“Precisely.Twodaysuntilwe’regonnaspendtenhoursontheroad,andI’vegotalittlefriendhangin’outtamyasslikeIjustgave
birth.SoIknowIcan’tmakeitwiththishotdoghangingoutofmyass.Hell,Ican’tevensitdown.Sleepin’onmybellyandshit,andIfuckin’hatesleepin’onmybelly,I’mabacksleeper.SoIgetmearubbergloveandIpokethisfuckerbackupinthere.Hell,afterafew
minutes,Ifeelprettygoodandforgetit’seventhere.Istandupandtakeafewsteps,”hepausedforeffectandtookanotherdrink.
Heshovedhisbeertothesideandleanedintothecenterofthetable.Aftermakingeyecontactwitheachofusindividually,he
continuedhisstory.
“Andbloop-outthefuckercomes.Anotherrubberglove,pokehimbackinthere,andeverything’sfine.Takeafewstepsandbloop-outhecomesagain.NowIknowIcan’tridetoAustinwithmyfingerinmyass,soIstarttothinkin’.Andallofa
suddenitcomestome,soIhaveTatercomegetmeinhistruckandtaketomethatdildoshopouteast.Afteralookaroundabit,Ifindoneofthembuttplugs.Didyouknowtheycomeinabouttendifferentsizes?”
Toad,whoIwasquitecertainhadheardthestoryno
fewertimesthanme,shrugged.Jack,obviouslyslightlyuncomfortable,satbackinhisseat,wrinkledhisnose,andcrossedhisarms.
“Hadnoidea,”Jackrespondedunderhisbreath.
“Welltheydo.Pickedmeoutalittlerednumberonthesmallsideofthings.And
ithadthislittleringintheendmadeitlooklikeapacifier.SoTatertakesmehome,andIgloveup,shovethehotdoginside,andpokethelittlepacifierinmyass.AfterIwigglearoundabit,itfeelsprettygood.NowasfarasI’mconcerned,problem’ssolved.I’madayoutand
readytoride.Justforshitsandgrins,lateronthatnight,Ireachbacktheretocheckonthings,youknow,makesureeverything’swhereitshouldbe.AndI’llbedamnedifthatlittlering,youknowthepartyouholdonto?It’sfuckinggone!”
“Huh?”Jack
shrugged.
Biscuitnoddedhishead,“Yep.Fuckersuckedrightupthereinmyass.So,nowIgottogofishin’forthislittlefucker.Igloveupagain,stickmyfingerupthere,andfisharoundandfindit.Ipullherout,washherup,andgreaseitwithVaselineand
pokeitbackinside.Coupleaminutes,andbloop.Youguessedit,itdisappears.”
“SoIjustsayfuckit.Atthispointintime,Ifeelprettygood,other’nknowingIgotabuttpluginmyass.Ihoponthebikeandrideouttothesnowskiandmountainclimbin’storeoutonCentral.
BuymeoneofthosespringloadedcarabinerD-rings.AfterIrodehome,Igloveduponelasttime,foundthelittlefucker,pulleditout,andhookedthatD-Ringtoit.ThenIshovedherbackin,andletthehookjusthangoutofmyass,”hepausedandnoddedhisheadproudlyasif
he’djustcuredcancer.
“RodetoAustinwitharappellingD-ringhangingoutofyourass?”Jackwinced.
“Suredid,leftitthereforafuckingweek.Don’tknowifitwasaconsciousthing,orjustbecauseIhadthatlittlerubberpluginthere
orwhat,butIdidn’tshitforaweek.Whenwegothome,Ireachedback,grabbedtheD-ringandgaveitatug.Damnedthingpoppedout,andmylittlefriendthehotdogwasgone.Problemsolved,”heshrugged.
Biscuitsatbackinhisseat,crossedhisarms,and
noddedhishead.AsToadshookhisheadinwhatwasprobablyacombinationofdisbeliefanddisgust,Jackleanedforwardandgrabbedhissecondbeerfromthetable.Afterhetookalongdrink,heshookhisheadandlaughed.
“You’refunnierthana
motherfucker,”Jackchuckled.
“Clubjoker,that’sme,”Biscuitrespondedproudly.
Jackshookhisheadandtookanotherdrink.Heinhaledashallowbreathandappearedtobepreparingtospeakwhenhiseyeswidened
andhisjawdroppedopen.Toad’seyeswidenedslightlyimmediatelyfollowing,andhisheadtiltedtotheside.
“Holy.Fucking.Shit.Now,that’sawoman,”Jacksaidashecranedhisnecktosee.
Toadtiltedhisheadtothesideashiseyesappeared
tobulgeoutofhishead.Iturnedmyheadandglancedovermyshouldertowardthedoor.
Holyfuckingshitwasright.
Alumpbegantoimmediatelyriseinmythroat.IblindlyfumbledformybeerasIcontinuedtostudythetall
blondewomanassheslowlywalkedtowardthebar.Aftertakingadrinkofmybeerandwashingthelumpdownmythroat,shewasdirectlyinfrontofme,facingsideways.Myeyesfixedonher,Ifumbledtofindthetable,andreleasedthebottleofbeer.Asmyheartbegantopound
frommychest,Istoodfrommyseatandturnedtofaceher.
Ithadbeenfifteenyears,butIwasprettydamnedsure.Notbasedsomuchonwhatshelookedlike,buthowshemademefeelwhenshewalkedintotheroom.Iswallowedheavily
andrubbedmysweatyhandsagainstthethighsofmyjeans.
“Sam,”Ibreathed.
Nothing.
“Sam!”Isaidwithatoneofauthority.
Slowly,sheturnedaround.
Hereyesimmediately
widened,andsheraisedherhandstohermouthasifinshock.
“Steve?”shewhimpered.
Asoureyesmet,itfeltasifmyheartcompletelystoppedbeating.Somehow,inspiteofit,Ifoundawaytotakethefewstepsacrossthe
floorofthebarandopenmyarms.Assoonasshewrappedherarmsaroundmeandrestedherfaceonmychest,myheartbegantobeatagain.
Afteralonghug,shereleasedmeandpulledawayslightly.Asshestoodinfrontofme,Iglancedupanddownherlongframe.Shelooked
nodifferentlythanshedidfifteenyearsprior.Whatlittleshehadageddidnothingbutaddtoherbeauty.Eventually,Ifixedmyeyesfixedonherlefthand.
Noring.Andmyheartstopped
beatingagain.
SAMIsatinthekitchenwonderingifonedayananswerwouldcome.Iknew-oratleastIsuspected-mymother’s
deathwouldcomelongbeforemine;butknowingdidlittletopreparemeforherdeparturefrommylife.AsIwassureallchildrendid,IwishedIhadspentmoretimewithher,calledhermorefrequently,andcamehomeonamoreregularbasis.Changingitnowwouldbe
impossible,andallIhopedforwastoeasewhatlittlepainremained.
Iliftedmycoffeecuphalfwaytomymouthandgazeddownintothecup.RealizingitwasoneofthecupsIusedtodrinkoutasayounggirlbroughtbackmemories,andastheyfiltered
throughmymind,asmilecametomyface.AlthoughIwasagirl,blonde,andsomewhatofading-dong,Iwasn’tsoidioticormentallyimpairedthatIwasn’tabletoacceptherdeathasbeingjustwhatitwas.
Thecompletionofhercycleoflife.
NonewcomertolosingsomeoneIloved,Igrinnedandliftedthecuptomymouthwithmymindfilledwithfondmemoriesofmychildhood.Asmymindslowlysearchedforevenmoretenderrecollectionsfrommyyouth,hernotsodeadcatwalkedintothe
kitchenandmeowed.
Fuckingcat.Ihatedcats.Now,
alongwitheverythingelseinthehome,Ihadinheritedafuckingcat.Thegreytabbylookedlikeasmallversionofherlargervermincousins,andwaspossessedbynoneotherthanthedevilhimself.
IntheseveraldaysIhadspentinventoryingthecontentsofthehouseandsearchingforsmallpiecesofmymother’slife,thecatfollowedmeeverywhereIwent.WhenIstopped,itstopped.AsIworked,itsatandstaredatmewithgoldensnake-likeeyesthatseemed
toburnholesthroughmyskinandintomyflesh.Theonethingthatpreventedmefromsteppingonitorplacingitoutwiththemanybagsoftrashwasthefactitwasmymother’sonlytruefriend,andmysinglelivingtietomymother’sformerlife.
“Goaway!”Ihissed
asIswattedmyhandinthedirectionofthefilthyfeline.
“Meow!”itresponded.
“No,”Iscreeched.
“This,”Iswattedmyhandinherdirectionagain,“Meansgoaway.”
Shemeowedagain,obviouslyconfusedregarding
mydemand,andbeganwalkingtowardme.AsIwatchedinsheerhorror,shewalkedalongsidethetable,turnedatthelastmoment,andbeforeIcouldliftmyleg,slitheredtothesideandrubbedherbodyagainstmyshin.ThemanyhoursIspentatthegymcombinedwithmy
quickreflexespaidoffintheformofaswiftlegextensionwhichsentherslidingacrossthekitchenfloor.
“StayovertherebeforeIputyoursickeningassinthefreezer,”IsnappedasIstoodfrommyseat.
IstareddownatmylegasifIexpectedtoseemy
calfwitheringawayfromsomeformofstaphinfection.Afterbrushingherresiduefrommyskin,Ifinishedmycoffeeandwalkedtothesink.Gazingintothebackyardprovidedarushofmemoriesfrommyhighschoolyears,andthetimeIhadspentwithmythenlover,Steve.
Ifanyoneeverwas,weweremeantforeachother.Thetypeofcouplethatmadeeveryoneelsesickwhenweshowedupataparty,wewerethetwopeoplewhoalwaysfinishedeachother’ssentences,pokedfoodintoeachother’smouths,andtastedeachother’sdrinkswe
concoctedatpartiesorfast-foodrestaurants.
Mylifehadneverfeltasinorderasitwasthen.InSteve’spresenceIwasabletoexhale,andhadnoworrieswhatsoever.Hewasahugeguy,standingmorethansixfeetfive,wasn’toverweight,andactuallywasquitethe
opposite.Inhighschool,heplayedfootballandbasketball,andalwaysstayedingreatphysicalcondition.Afterschoolwasover,hecontinuedtostayingreatshapebyconstantlyliftingweightsandrunning.Hisphysicalpresencecombinedwithhisprotectivenature
mademefeelcomfortablethatnomatterwhat,noharmwouldevercometome.
Otherthanspendingtimewithme,hisonlyothertruelovewasridinghisHarley.Hefoundfreedominridingit,andoftenspentcountlesshoursontheroad-oftenwithmeontheback–
ridingtoaplacethatwerarelyplannedongoing.Iwasyoungatthetime,buttherewasnomistakingthatourlovewasnotonlygenuine,butitwasthetypeoflovemostwomenwouldneverfindinalifetime.
Totryanddescribethelovewesharedwouldbe
impossible.Wordslikeperfectandphraseslikeonceinalifetimecametomindwhenthinkingaboutit,buttherewerenowordsinmyvocabularythatwouldaccuratelydescribeourrelationshipwithanylevelofjustice.Whenweweretwenty-oneyearsold,I
decidedIneededtoactasifIwasanadult,andtheselfishsideofmedesiredchildren.
Stevewantednothingmorethantolivehislifefree,andlovemeuntiltheend.IntimeI’mquitesurechildrenwouldhavebeenpossiblewithhim,butatthetimeIasked,Igaveverylittle,if
any,roomfornegotiation.HisresponsewasnotwhatIwantedbutwhatIshouldhaveexpected.
Andwepartedways.
IncapableoflivinginthesamecityasStevelivedwithouthavinghiminmylife,Ileftthecitywithtear-filledeyes,abrokenheart,
andnoplanformyfuture.Imovedasfarawayasgeographyandcommonsensewouldallow,andcametorestinNewYorkCity.WithinayearIwasmarriedtoaworkaholicwhocouldcarelessaboutanythingbuthowmanycommaswereinhispaycheck.
Afterayearofmarriage,aterroristflewacommercialairlinerintothebuildingheworkedin,andhenevercamehomefromwork.Nobody,noclothes,nojewelry,andnoclosuretoalossIwasillpreparedfor.
Irecoveredquickly,asIalwaysdid,withthe
understandinglivinglifewasamystery;andsolvingit,nodifferentthanwatchingamovie,didn’tcomeuntilthebitterend.WiththeexceptionoflosingSteve,Ihadacceptedlifehadthrownmydirection,andneveroncecomplained.
Losinghim,however,
remainedtheonethingforthelastfourteenyearsIneveraccepted.IknewIcouldn’tchangeitandwouldneverbegrantedanopportunitytofixit,butacceptingitasbeingagooddecisionhauntedmeonadailybasis.
Afterthedeathofmyhusband,IleftNewYorkand
movedtoSt.Louis-thesecondworstdecisionIevermadeinmylife.ThereIremained,single,uninterested,andgainfullyemployedasahairstylistatanupscalesalonIdreamedofonedayowning.TheuntimelydeathofmymotherbroughtmebacktoWichita,
acityIhadverylittleintentionofeverreturningtofulltime,andinfactIdreadedeventheshortvisitstomymotherpriortoherdeath.MyunderlyingfearofencounteringSteve,andfindinghimlivingahappylifewithsomeoneotherthanmemademefeelill.
Immediatelyfollowingourbreakup,IhadsnoopedonMyspacehopingtofindaglimpseofhimoramorselfromhislifewithoutme.Astheyearspassed,IhadspentcountlessunsuccessfulhoursattemptingtofindhimonFacebook,Twitter,Tumblr,
andevenscouredthepopulardatingforums.ItcameasnosurprisethatIneverfoundanything;Stevewasalwaysapersonwhoenjoyedlivingoutoftheviewandawayfromthescrutinyofothers.Afewyearsintothiscentury,andI’dgivenupanyhopeofeverlearninganythingabout
him.Intime,Ibegantolivemylifeasthesinglearrogantbitchmostofmyclientsdescribedmeas.
Arrogant?No.Dissatisfiedwiththe
lossoftheonemanIloved,andtheotherwhoIhadsimplysettledfor?Yes.
Igazedattheconcrete
benchsituatedunderneaththepergola,recallingthetimeSteveandIhadspentthere.Asmyfocusshiftedtotheentireyard,IappreciatedthesmallchangesmymotherhadmadesinceI’dseenitlast.Thesidesofthebrickwalkwayleadingtothefountainintherearofthe
yardonceadornedwithlargeleafperiwinkleandvarioushostaswasnowbeautifullylandscapedwithlavender,daisies,andanoccasionalblack-eyedSusan.Thebackyardhadalwaysbeenmymother’splaceofescape,andinmanyrespects,itwasmineaswell.Sheusedtheyardfor
therapeuticreasonsafterthedeathofmyfather,andIsometimesfeltguiltyformylessrelaxinguseofthebeautifulspaceshehadcreated.Thesmelloftheflowerscombinedwiththeseclusioncreatedbythedepthoflandscapemadeitaperfectareaforsex.SteveandIhad
spentcountlesshoursintheyardfuckingonvariouslargestones,theconcretebench,andeveninthefountain.Ilovedfuckinghiminmymother’sbackyard,andgenerallyspeaking,Ipreferredittomybedroom.Steve’sbad-boyattitude,histakechargepersonalityand
mywillingnesstopleasethemanItrulylovedcausedmetoagreetosomeprettyrisquésexualsituationsinthefiveyearswewereinarelationship.
Myeyesonceagainshiftedtothebenchandbecamefixed.Igrinned,wonderingjusthowmany
timesIhadpressedmychestagainstthecoldconcretewhilearchingmyback,forcingmyasshighenoughintheairforStevetosatisfymysexualdesires.ManytimesIhadbitmylowerlipsohardwhilehefuckedmethatimpressionsofmyteethremainedinmylipforan
hourafterwereturnedintothehouse.Althoughmymotherneverquestionedme,IalwaysfeltsheknewIlovedtheyardjustasmuchasher,butfordifferentreasons.
ThereweretimeswhenIwouldlayonthebenchwithmyeyesclosedashekneltbesideit.AsIlayin
wait,hewouldtakehishandsand…
Hishands.
OhdearGod,hishands.Hewasamasterwithhishands;wheretoplacethem,andjusthowdelicatelyordeliberatelytousethem.Andtherewasalwaystheissuewiththeuseofhislips.
Hespentmoretimekissingmybodythanhedidmymouth.Heseemedtoenjoydragginghislips,teeth,andtonguealongmybody;teasingmeuntilIwasafranticmess.OnlywhenIwasnolongermentally,physically,orsexuallyabletoallowhimtocontinuewould
heagreetostop.TodescribeSteveassexuallytorturouswouldbeanaccurateunderstatement.
Irinsedthecup,placeditinthedishwasher,andturnedoffthekitchenlights.AfterquicklycheckingthehouseforotherlightsIhadleftonthroughthecourse
oftheday,Iwalkedtothefrontdoor,reachedforthedoorhandle,andhesitated.Iturnedandgazedintothehousewhichwasilluminatedsolelybytheglowofthelampinthelivingroom.Istoodandgrinnedatthememoriesthehomebrought,sadIwasn’tabletobring
myselftostayovernight.AsIgazeddownthehallwaytowardthedoorofmychildhoodbedroom,Ifeltsomethingpressagainstmyankle.
Somewhatconfused,Iglanceddownatmyfeet.
“Meow…”
Fuckingcat.
Reluctantly,Ireacheddownandpattedthecatonthehead.AsIturnedforthedoor,Iwipedmyhandagainstmythigh,freeingitofthematterthecretinwascertaintohaveleft.Iopenedthedoor,steppedontotheporchandglancedinside;makingcertainthecathadn’t
followedme.Sittingintheentrance,thecatstaredbackatmewithgoldeneyesnowfilledwithhugeblackpupils,undoubtedlyallowingittosneakthroughthehouseinthedarkandwreakhavocontheorganizedpilesIhadcreated.
Iglaredatherand
shookmyhead.
“GoodnightTaylor.I’mgoingtothehotel.I’llseeyournastylittleasstomorrow.”
Iclosedthedoor,lockedit,andturnedtowardthedriveway.IglanceddownatmywatchasIwalkedtothecar.Asitwasstillquite
earlyandnotquitedarkyet,IdecidedtostopforamuchneededdrinkbeforeIretiredforthenight.Adrinkwouldallowmetorelaxandgetagoodnight’ssleep,somethingIfeltIdesperatelyneeded.
Stoppingattheshittylittlebarbesidethehotelwouldbeeasy,andnodoubt
wouldallowmetoenjoyadrinkwithoutseeinganyoneIknew.Ididn’tneedanysympatheticapologiesforthelossofmymother.
IneededtorelaxaloneandtrytoridmymindofmemoriesoftheonlymanIeverlovedandhowmyselfishwishestoreusapart.
SAMIpulledintotheparkinglotofthebarandparkedthecar.Thebar’slot,asIhadsuspected,wasallbutempty.
Havingpassedbyitformorethanaweekinmyeveningdrivesbacktothehotel,itseemedtoalwaysbeemptyduringtheweekdays.ThereweretimeswhenIwantedadrink,andtimeswhenIfeltIneededthem,andtonightwasaneednight.Havingmadecontactwiththedisease
riddenfelinenolessthanadozentimesthroughoutthecourseoftheday-combinedwithmywalkdownmemorylane-leftliquidsedationasmyonlyhopeforagoodnight’ssleep.
Mystrolltothedoorproducedfourmotorcyclesparkedalongthesidewalk
leadingtotheentrance.Carefullyparkedinaperfectlinesidebyside,theyremindedmeofSteveandhisfriends,andhowtheyusedtomakesuretheirmotorcycleswerealwaysparkedneatlyandinanalmostpicturesquemanner.
Great,another
reminderofhim.
Frustratedandsufferingfrommorethanadecadeofsexualdeprivation,Iconsideredkickingthefirstmotorcycleinthelineandcausingthemtospilloverlikedominoes.Afteramoment’sworthofhesitation,Iadmiredthemotorcycles,turnedtothe
door,pusheditopen.
AsIsteppedthroughthedoor,LennyKravitz’Can’tGetYouOffMyMindplayed.Agreatchoiceofmusic,andoneofmyall-timefavoritesongs,butitwasaboutasironicofasongasanyonecouldhavechosen.Afterrollingmyeyesand
shakingmyheadlightly,Isteppedintotheemptybar.
Amusculartattooedbikerinaribbedtanktopandanotherseatedbesidehimwitholivecoloredskinandagorgeoussmilesatinaboothfacingme.Twootherbikersoutfittedwiththeirmotorcyclegangattirehad
theirbacksfacingme.AsIturnedtothebar,themuscularoneinthetanktopcranedhisnecktocatchanotherglimpse.
Stareallyouwant,gymrat,I’mnotavailable.
MemoriesofSteveagainbegantofloataroundinmyheadasIwalkedtoward
theemptybar.Iglancedalongthebarstools,gratefulthebarwasempty.Ishouldbeabletotossdownaquicktriplevodkabeforeanyofthebikersdevelopedenoughcouragetoapproachmeandescapewithoutincident.
“Sam,”avoicefrombehindmehollered.
MymusclestensedasIstoppedrightwhereIwasstanding.Halfscaredtoturnaround,Istood,petrifiedofencounteringanoldfriendfromthepastwhowouldassuredlyprovidemewithstoriesofhowmyhighschoolsweetheartStevehadeventuallymarriedandnow
livedhappilywithhiswife,children,andtwopetcats.Theendlesssilencethatfollowedfilledmewithhopethatwhoeverhadshoutedwastalkingtosomeoneotherthanme.
“Sam!”thevoicebellowedinmoreofacommandingtone.
Itseemed…
Islowlyturnedaround.
OhdearGod.
Everyemotionimaginablefilledmeatonce.Iraisedmyshakinghandstomyfaceandpressedthemagainstmycheeks,attemptingtohidethetears
thatweresuretocomenext.
Hewasgorgeous.MuchbiggerandinwhatappearedtobethebestphysicalconditionI’deverseenhimin,hestoodandstared.IthadbeenfourteenyearssinceI’dseenhim,buthehadn’tagedonebit.Itseemedhehadsimplybeen
transformedfromaboyintothemanwhostoodbeforeme.AsIstoodstillandfoughtbacktears,heslowlyapproachedmewithhisarmsoutstretched.
Iwantedtoturnandrunaway.
Iglancedatthepalmsofhishandsasheexcitedly
madehiswaytowhereIstood.BeforeIcouldseeifhewaswearingaring,hehadmewrappedupinhismusculararms.
Ican’tdothis.Ashereleasedme,I
couldn’thelpbutadmirehimasIfumbledforawaytoexplainmydesiretoleave.I
consideredpullingmyphonefrommypurseandclaimtohavereceivedatextmessageemergency.Tohavehimevenbegintoexplainofhiswife,childrenandwhatthepastfourteenyearshadgracedhimwithwouldcrushme.
Hecrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestashe
seemedtostudyme,andashedid,thefingersofhislefthandrestedontheouterportionofhisrightbicep.
Noring.Notonehundred
percentcertainifmyeyeswereseeingwhatwastrulyinfrontofme,orwhattheydesiredtosee,Iblinkedmy
eyesandgazedathishand.
Noring.Iblinkedagain.
Ohfuckit,I’veneverbeenknownbeingsubtle.
“So,areyoudivorced?”IshruggedasInoddedmyheadtowardhishand.
Heuncrossedhisarms
andglanceddownathislefthandashismouthformedintoagrin.
“Nevermarried,”hesaidasheshookhisheadfromside-to-side.
OhdearGod.
Pleasemakehimsingle,available,andinterested.
Istoodlikealoon,exchangingglancesbetweenthemusclesinhisarmsandhisgorgeousface.HeappearedtohavegottenadozenormoretattoossincethelasttimeIhadseenhim,whichdidnothingmorebutaddtohisalreadystrikingoutwardappearance.Ifound
amanwithtattoostobefarmoreattractivethanamanwithout,andhisrecentadditionsweren’thelpingthesituation.Strugglingtodeviseawaytosavemyselffromseemingovereagerordesperate,Istoodwithmymouthagapeashebegantospeak.
“Youlookgreat,Sam,”hesaidashefoldedhisarmsinfrontofhischestagain.
Iblinkedmyeyes.
“Where’syourhusband?”heaskedashetossedhisheadplayfullytowardthedoor.
Iwidenedmyeyes
andshruggedmyshoulders.
Jesus,Samantha,speak.
Heraisedhishandstohisheadandrubbedhistemples.Itwassomethinghehaddonesincehewasakidwheneitherconfusedorangry.Nowquitecertainmysilentshrugregardingmy
husbandcaughthimbysurprise,Iswallowedheavilyandsearchedmymindfortherightwords.
“Dead,”IblurtedbeforeIhadachancetofiltermythoughts.
“Sorrytohearthat.AndI’msorryaboutyourmother,Sam.Ireallyam,”he
saidashereachedformyarm.
ThoughtsofalifewithSteveinitbegantofillmyhead.NolongerwasIconcernedwithmymother’shouse,inventoryingtheboxesoftrinkets,orkeepingthecatalive.RidingonthebackofSteve’smotorcycle,having
himfuckmebreathlessinthebackyard,andfeelinghismagicalhandsagainstmyskinbecametheonlythoughtsavailablewithintheconfinesofmybiasedmind.
“Joinmeforadrink?”Isomehowmuttered.
“Sure.Letmeintroduceyoutothefellas
first,”hegrinnedashishandlightlygrippedmyupperarm.
Iallowedhimtoguidemetohisside.Hisarmwrappedaroundmeassoonasheturnedtowardtheboothwheretheothermenwereseated,andinafewshortsteps,hewasintroducingmetohisbikerbrethren.
“Fellas,thisisSam.Sam,thisisToad,Biscuit,andBigJack,”hesaidasweapproachedthetable,pointingtoeachmanashesaidtheirname.
Immediately,thethreemenstood.AssoonasthemanhepointedoutasBigJacksteppedfromthebooth,
theoneheidentifiedasToadslidfrombetweenthetableandbenchandstoodinfrontofus.
Asheextendedhisarmtoshakemyhand,hewidenedhiseyesandtiltedhisheadtotheside,motioningtowardme.AsIshookhishand,Iglancedat
Steve,whonoddedhisheadandgrinnedinreturn.
“Pleasuretofinallymeetyou.I’veheardalotaboutyou,Sam,”Toadsaidasheshookmyhand.
Igrinnedandnoddedmyhead,notquiteknowingwhattosay.Asthebiggerbarrel-chestedmansteppedin
frontofus,hereachedupandranhishandthroughhisthickbrownhair,asifattemptingtomakehimselfmorepresentable.Hisfullbeardandsheersizemadehimratherintimidating,butashespoke,heseemedtohaveaverycalmandpleasantdemeanor.
“Sorryaboutyourmother,Sam.Name’sBiscuit.Nicetofinallyputafacewiththename,”hesaidashereachedformyhand.
IglancedatSteve.
Youtoldthemaboutme?
Andaboutmymother?
Iswallowedalumpofsentimentwhichbegantoriseinmythroat.ThethoughtofhimtellinghisfriendsaboutmecausedmetoonceagainbecometheemotionallittlegirlI’dspentalmostfifteenyearstryingtoabandon.AsIgazedattheprofileofhisface,hopingforhimtosay
something,themanintheribbedtankclearedhisthroat.
“Pleasuretomeetyou,ma’am.Otisisadamnedfineman,”henoddedashereachedformyhand.
IturnedtowardSteveasIshooktheman’shand,“Otis?You’regoingbyOtis?Thenameyourgrandfather
gaveyou?”
Heshruggedhisshouldersandgrinnedashepointedtoanembroideredpatchonhisleathervest.
Otis.
Steve’sgrandfathercalledhimOtissincehewasasmallchild.Althoughhisparentsneverreallyadopted
thepractice,IneverheardhisgrandfathercallhimanythingotherthanOtis.ThethoughtofSteveusingitashisbikernamefilledmewithwarmth.
“How’shedoing?”Iasked.
“Hepassedabouttenyearsago,”hesighed.
“I’msorry,”Isaid
undermybreath.
“Nicetomeetallofyouguys,”Igrinnedsomewhatnervously.
“We’regoingtogohaveadrinkatthebar,fellas,”Stevesaidashemotionedtotowardthebar.
“Let’ssithere,”IsaidasIpointedtowardthe
oversizedboothwheretheywereseated,“Unlessthisisprivate?”
“Nothin’privateaboutthislittlemeetin’.Hell,sitdown,”Biscuitgrumbledashefoundhisseat.
“Wanttosithere?”Steveshrugged.
Iglancedtoward
Steveandgrinned,“I’dloveto.”
And,tobebrutallyhonest,Ididn’twanttositintheboothwithhisfriends.Ididn’twanttobeanywherewithhisfriends.IlongedtobealonewithSteve,catchinguponlosttime.Ifitwereuptome,he’dfollowmebackto
mymother’shouse.
Andbendmeoverthebench.
OTISBeinginSam’spresencecausedmetorealizenotonlyhowmuchIhadmissedseeingher,butjusthoweasy
itwasfortherightperson-thepersonwereserveourtruelovefor-tocompletelyrighteverythingthatmaybewronginourlifebysimplygracinguswiththeirexistence.
IknewifIallowedhertoescapemygraspagain,mylifewouldreturnright
backtowhereIhadbeenlivingpriortoherreturn.SittinginherhotelroomtalkingmadeitimmediatelyapparentthatwhereIhadbeenlivingmylifewasmilesawayfromwhereIshouldhavebeenlivingit.Asshesatacrossthecouchfrommeandplayfullybrushedherhair
fromherface,itbecamemoredifficulttoacceptherinevitabledeparture.
“So,you’regoingbacktoSt.Louis?”IsaidasIstood.
Shestoodfromthecouch,scrunchedhernoseslightly,andnarrowedhereyesassheturnedtofaceme.
“Well,yeah.Imean,eventuallyI’llhaveto.Ilivethere,”shemuttered.
IshookmyheadasIstudiedher.AlthoughIwasgratefultohaveseenher,Iwasfrustratedthatinamatterofdays,thingswouldreturnbacktothewaytheywere.Immediately,mymindbegan
toreelwiththoughtsofwaystorepairwhatdamageIhaddonetoourfifteenyearoldrelationship.
“Nochanceofyoustaying?Youknow,makingthisyourhomeagain?”Ishrugged.
“Ididn’tsaythat.It’sjust.I’dhavetohaveagood
reason.Imean,Iwouldn’tchoosethisplaceoveranyotherplace.Well,maybeI’dchooseitoverSt.Louis,butrightnow,St.Louisishome.It’sbeenhomeforalmostfifteenyears,”shepausedandreachedforherpurse.
“Gum?”sheaskedasshepulledapackofgum
fromherpurse.
Ishookmyheadandgrinned.
Shestillschewsgum.
“Agoodreason?”Ishrugged.
“Uhhuh,”shenoddedasshetossedthepackofgumintoherpurse.
Iglancedaroundthe
hotelsuiteandeventuallyfixedmyeyesonhers.“It’sreallynoneofmybusiness,butdidyourmotherownherhome?”
Shenoddedherhead,“Yes,shedid.”
Iraisedmyshouldersslightlyandwidenedmyeyes,“I’mgoingtoguessyou
inheritedit?”
“Idid,likeIsaidearlier.That’swhatI’mdoing,goingthroughstuffnow.Whyarewestanding?”sheasked.
“I’mthinking,”Irespondedundermybreath,“So,you’regoingtotellmethatyou’dratherliveinSt.
Louis,andabandonorsellthehomeyougrewupin?There’salotofgoodmemoriesthere.”
Sheinhaledashallowbreathandaftershortamoment,exhaledandfixedhereyesonmine,“That’stheproblem;thememories.It’sthereasonI’mstayinghere.I
justcan’t,Steve.It’sreallytough,butIjustcan’tstaythere.”
“Why?”Ishrugged,somewhatsaddenedbythefactshecouldn’tbringherselftostayinthehomewehadspentsomuchtimeintogether.
Thethoughtofher
gettingridofthehomewasalmostunthinkable.Wehadspentthemajorityofourrelationshipinhermother’shome,andagoodpartofitwasspentoutside,fuckingintheflowergardenhermotherhadmade.Asayoungman,thesensationofhavingsexinthebackyardwasalmost
equaltotheinitialexcitementofhavingsexitself.Together,itprovidedasenseofenjoymentwellbeyondhavingsexinabed.Soon,wewerenotonlyfuckingintheyard,butanywhereandeverywherewecould;andthemoreadventurousitwas,thebetter.Wesoonlearnedwe
bothhadaninnersexualdemonweneededtorelease,butitwashermother’sbackyardthatmadeusrealizeit.
“MymindfillswithtoomanymemorieswhenI’mthere,”sherespondedthroughherteeth.
ThankGod.Ihope
you’rethinkingofme.
Iturnedmypalmsupandwidenedmyeyes,“Andthat’sabadthing?”
Sheglancedupandnoddedherhead,“Yeah.Itsureis.”
Hereyeswereglassyanditappearedshewasonthevergeofcrying.Even
thoughithadbeenalittlemorethanaweek,Iconsideredthepossibilityofhernotbeingquiteoverthelossofhermother.Samwasalwaysastrongwoman,andonethingIalwaysadmiredwasherabilitytorollwiththepunchessotospeak.Growingup,itseemedregardlessof
whatlifetossedather,shewasabletoacceptitasbeing,andsimplymoveon.Hermother’sdeathmayhavebeenmoredifficultforher,andIbegantofeelinsensitiveforpushingheraboutthehome.
Sheglancedupwardandfixedhereyesonthe
ceiling.Afteramoment,shefixedhereyesonmineandsatdownonthecouch.
“Sit,”shesaidinahalfdemandingtoneasshepattedthecushionbesideher.
Isatdown,feelingselfishforactingthewayIhadacted.AsIattemptedtomentallyformanapology
worthoffering,shebegantospeak.
“Youknow,it’stougherthanIthought.Muchtougher.Iwasinthekitchentonightlookingoutinthebackyard.It’schangedalot,butjustseeingitistough,”shesighed.
Inoddedmyhead,
“I’msorrySam,Iimagineitis.”
IconsideredhowImightfeelifIlostmymother;andhowseeingthethingsshelovedandcherished-aftershehadpassedaway-wouldaffectme.Asshebitherlowerlipandglancedaroundtheroom,
Icontemplatedlosingbothmyparentsandhowhavingnoonemightcausemetoreact.AsmysorrowforSam’slossbegantopeak,Ionceagainfeltlikeaselfishidiot.
“Sam,I’m…”
Sheraisedherhandbetweenustosilencemeas
sheinhaledanaudiblebreath.Icrossedmyarmsandleanedintothebackofthecouch,preparedforherridicule.
“YouknowtheguyImarried?Michael?Ireallydidn’tevenknowhim.Notreally.Imethimatthegym.Hewasreallytall,muscular,andhehadatattooonhis
bicepI’msurehemusthavegotasaresultofsomestupidcollegebet.ButhewasascloseasIcouldget.Heremindedmeofyou,Steve.WhenIlookedathim,Isawyou.Butwhenhespokeoracted,hewasn’tyou.Itwasn’tlongandIrealizednoonecouldbe.Afterawhile,I
realizedthekids,havingafamily…allofthat…itwasn’timportant.WhatIwantedwasn’tafamily,kids,orhimforthatmatter,whatIwantedwasasenseofsecurityinhavingyou,”shethrewherhandsintheairasifmakingthedeterminationwasahugerevelation.
Okay,thatwasn’twhatIexpected.
“Whenhedied,Ihatetosaythis,butit’strue.You’rethefirstpersonI’vesaidanythingtoaboutthis…”shepausedashervoicebegantofillwithemotion.
“Whentheyannouncedwhathappened,
aftertheterroristsflewtheplanesintothebuildings,andtheywerecollapsing,”shehesitatedandswallowedheavily.
Afteramomentofstaringattheceilingandattemptingtosteadyherbreathing,shecontinued.
“Ihoped…I
wanted…”sheshookherheadasshebitintoherlowerlip.
Afteralongsilence,shestareddownatthefloorandcontinued,“WhenIgotthewordthathewasdead,Iwasrelieved.Iknowitsoundsmorbidandselfishorwhatever,especiallyto
everyoneelsewholostsomeoneinthetragedy,butforme?Iwasrelieved.”
Insomerespects,theworldweliveinhadjustshrunkintoaverypersonalsizedball.TothinkshehadlostsomeoneinwhatIassumedtobetheterroristactof9/11madetheterroristact
muchmorereal.Eventhough,Isatandstared,shockedbythestatementshehadmade.
“Iwasrelievedhewasgone,becauseitwouldallowmetomoveonandlivemylifewiththememoriesofyouwithoutfeelingguiltyfordoingso.I’venevergotover
losingyou,Steve,andI’mprettydamnsureIneverwill,”shesaidassheturnedtowardme.
What?Assomberasthe
moodhadbecome,IfeltthereweremanythingsIshouldhavesaidinanefforttocomfortherforthelossofher
husband.MyexcitementafterhearinghermorerecentstatementmaderegardingnevergettingoverlosingmepreventedmefromsayingwhatIshouldhave,andcausedmetosaywhatIwasactuallythinking.
“You’venevergotoverlosingme?”Isnapped
backasIsatupinmyseat.
Sheshookherheadfromsidetosideasshewipedhereyeswiththetipsofherfingers.
“No,andI’mafraidIneverwill.It’sreallyhardseeingyouagain,”sheblubbered.
Fuckit,we’reboth
adults.
I’mthinkingyou’refeelingthesamewayIam.
“Sam,”IsaidasIslowlystood.
Shewipedhertearfilledeyes.Afterwhatseemedlikeaneternity,sheshiftedhergazeupward.
“Yeah,”shebreathed.
Herewego.
“Iloveyou,Sam,”IsaidasIopenedmyarms.
Shesatforasplit-secondandstaredwithwideeyes.
Badidea.
Youshouldhavekeptyourmouthshut,Otis.
Shestood,screeched
likeshe’djustseenasnake,andjumpedintomyarms.
“OhGod,Iloveyou,too,”shebreathedintothesideofmyneck.
Howquicklyaperson’slifecanchange...
Onesimplestatementoreventcanflipyourlifeintoacompletelydifferent
direction.NodifferentlythanJackbeingreleasedfromprison,orthebikersinWacowhowerethrowninjailforbeinginabaratthewrongtime,holdingSaminmyarmsmadeanimmediateandunscheduledchangeinmylife.AchangeforwhatIassumedwouldbethebetter,
butachangenonetheless.AsIheldherinmyarms,arushofmemoriesfilledmymind,andIquicklycametorealizeonethingforabsolutecertain.
Iwasn’tevergoingtoletherescapemygraspagain.
SAMMyentirelifeawayfromSteve,Ihadonedesireandonedesireonly.
Tobewithhimagain.
UndertheassumptionIhadlosthimforgood,andcertainamanasattractiveashimwouldhaveeasilyhadwomentossingthemselvesinhisdirection,IpreservedwhatlittleremainingdignityIhadbynotexposingmyselftohimintheyearswhichhad
passedsincewewereapart.Now,findingoutwesharedthesamefeelingsovertheyearscausedmetofeelasifwehadneverbeenapart.
“No,assoonasI’dmeetawoman,Iwouldcomparehertoyou.TheynevermeasuredupsoIcouldn’tseewastingmytime
-ortheirsforthatmatter,”hesaid.
Shocked,butquiterelieved,Isuddenlybegantoitchallover.
“Andyou’veprettymuchbeensingle?Sincewebrokeup?”Ishrugged.
“Yep,”hesaidashenoddedhishead,“Youknow
howIamabouttrustingpeople.IfeellikeIcan’treallytrustjustanyonenow.ThatwasanotherexcuseIused.”
Stevewasaverytallman.Ihadalwaysperceivedmyselfasbeingtallforawoman,andstood5’-7”,butstandingbesidehimmademe
feelsmall.Thefacthetoweredalmosttwelveinchesovermenotonlymademefeelsecureinhispresence,butforsomeweirdreasonitexcitedmetonoend.AsIstoodandabsorbedjusthowlargeofamanhehadbecome,Iadmiredhishandsomelooks.
AndIcouldn’thelpmyself.
“So,you’velovedmesincethen?SinceIleft?”IaskedasIshiftedmyeyestowardthecrotchofhisjeans.
Stillrockingthatbigbulge,aren’tyou?
“Ineverstopped,Sam.I’vealwayslovedyou.
FeltkindofstupidforeverbeingsoselfishthatIletyougo,”hesighed.
Youfeltselfish?Ifeltselfish.
ButI’llletyoukeeponfeelinglikeitwasyourfault.
“Soit’skindoflikewe’veneverbeenapart,”I
saidasIshruggedmyshoulders.
Henoddedhisheadandgrinned,“Yep.”
“Iwanttofuck,”Isaidflatly.
Hiseyeswidenedconsiderably.Heraisedhishandstohisfaceandbegantorubhistemples,astrongsign
hewaseitherconsideringmyrequest,orforsomereasonthethoughtoffuckingmehadbecomerepulsive.Ididn’thavetowaitlongtofindoutwhichonehewasthinking.
“Rightnow?”hesighedasheloweredhishands.
“Now?Nonothere,”
IrespondedasifIclearlyhadotherplans.
“Followme,”IsaidasIturnedtowardthedoor.
Isteppedpasthimandopenedthedoor.Ashestoodandgawkedatme,Iglanceddowntheemptyhallway,reachedforhishand,andbeganwalkingtowardthe
elevator.Ashefollowedbehindme,hechuckled.
“Wherearewegoing,Sam?”heaskedaswewalkeddownthehallway.
Isilentlywalkedtotheelevatorandpressedthebutton.Aswesteppedinside,heglancedinmydirectionandsimplyshookhishead.
“It’sasurprise,”IrespondedasIinhaledawhiffofhisscent.
StillwearingAcquaDiGio.
Good.
1996,theyearwegraduatedhighschool,AcquaDiGiowasintroduced.Ilovedthesmell,and
purchasedabottleforhimatthemallforhisbirthday.Whileweweretogether,heneverworeanyothercolognetothebestofmyknowledge.Ithadbecomehissignaturescent,andeverytimeIsmelleditsince,Ithoughtofhim.Now,smellingafainthintofitexcitedme.
Withinafewsecondsmypussytobegintotingle.
Theelevatordooropenedatthefirstfloor.Afterglancingdownthehallwayineachdirection,Ieagerlybeganwalkingtowardtheindoorswimmingarea.Theindoorpoolwasseparatedfromtheadjoiningworkout
roombyaglasswallwhichwasmirroredonthesideofthegym.Fromthepool,apersoncouldseeinsidethegym,butfromthegym,apersonattemptingtolookoutatthepoolsawnothingbuttheirreflection.Theremainingthreewallsinthepoolroomwereconstructed
ofbrick,makingitvirtuallysoundproof.Althoughthelightsweren’ton,theglowfromthehallwayentryandthedoorleadingoutsideilluminatedtheareamorethanenoughtoprovideasexyluminescentlightingperfectforalatenightfuck.
Ipulledmyroom
keycardfromthepocketofmyshortsandpresseditintothecardreader.Eagerly,Iopenedthedoorwhichledtothepool,pleasantlysurprisedtofindnooneinside.Theroomwashot,humid,andthickwiththesmellofchlorine.MyjoymultipliedtenfoldwhenIglanced
towardthegymandnoticedacouplegettingintheirlate-nightworkout.
“Whatarewedoing,Sam?”heaskedasheglancedaroundtheroom.
“Idon’thavemyswimmingtrunks,”hechuckled.
“You’regoingtofuck
me,Otis,”IgrinnedasIclearedthetowelsfromthetopoftheglasstablepositionedbetweentheedgeofthepoolandtheglasswall.
Throughtheone-wayglass,Icouldclearlyseethetwopeopleinsidethegymonellipticalmachines,workingawaywhilelisteningtotheir
iPods.ThethoughtofOtisnotknowingtheycouldn’tseeusexcitedmealmostasmuchasmeimaginingtheycould.
“Righthere?There’speopleinthegym,Sam,”heresponded.
IshruggedasIunbuttonedmyshorts,“Lose
yoursenseofadventure?”
Asheglancedtowardthegymthesideofhismouthcurledslightly.
“No,suredidn’t,”herespondedashereachedforhiszipper.
Althoughhehadalwaysbeeningreatphysicalshape,hisarmswerenotonly
nowcoveredintattoostohiswrists,buttheyweresolidmusclefromhisforearmtohisshoulder.Hisunbuttonedleathervestexposedhismassivechestcoveredonlybyasheerwhiteteeshirtheworeunderneathhisvest.Ashepulledagainsthiszipper,Iwatchedintentlyasthe
musclesinhisbicepflared.
IglanceddownandgazedathiszipperasIwaitedforhimtopullhiscockout.I’dseenitamilliontimes,butIstoodinwait,wantingtocatchaglimpseofit,hopingnothinghadchanged.Nothavingbeenwithamanforoveradecade,andnever
havinghadsexwithanyoneasoldasmyself,Iwonderedifat36yearsofage,somethingmighthavechanged.Thoughtsofawrinkledhalfshriveledupoldmanpeniscametomind.Asheunbuckledhisbeltandpulledhiszipperdownsimultaneously,histhickdick
floppedfreeofthedenimwhichhadrestrainedit.
OhdearGod.Awrinkle-freecock
withthegirthofmywristsprungfromhisjeans.Myhand,whichwasrestingbetweentheupperbandofmypantiesandmyhip,quicklymovedbetweenmy
legsasifithadamindofitsown.
Soaked.“Seethis,”IsaidasI
raisedmyglisteningfingerintotheair.
HiseyesshiftedupwardasIspoke.
“That’sfourteenyearsofwait,”IsaidasIfixedmy
eyesonmypussy-soakedfinger.
“Fifteen,actuallydamnednearsixteen,butwho’scounting,”hesaid.
Ishruggedmyshoulders.Ihadnointentionofarguingoverafewmonthstime,Iwasreadytofuck.
Iglancedinhis
directionasheclearedhisthroatwithacough.
“Seethis?”heasked.Ishiftedmyeyesto
hiscockfilledhandandnoddedmyhead.
“Thisisn’tfifteenyearsofwait,butit’sdamnedsureaboutteninchesofready,”hesaidwithasmile
ashestrokedhishandalongtherigidshaft.
FeelinganalmostgiddydegreeofexcitementIhadn’tfeltsinceI’dseenhimlast,Ipressedthewaistofmyshortsalongmythighsandreleasedthemastheyslidpastmyknees.Asthefabricnestledaroundmyankles,I
leanedover,pressedmyforearmsontothetopoftheglasstableandglancedovermyshoulder.
Hestoodtenfeetbehindmewithhiscockinhand,hisjeansbunchedaroundhisthighs,andhiseyesfixedonmyass.
“Thatassofyoursis
stillincredible,”hesighedashecontinuedtostrokehiscock.
“Trythispussyoutandseewhatyouthinkofit,”IsaidwithalaughasIpressedmychestontothetable.
“Smartass,”hebreathed.
Iexhaledasherestedhishandsonmyshoulders.AsIfeltthetipofhiscockpressingagainstmywetpussy,Irealizedregardlessofmyovereagerstateofmind,Ihadn’tbeenfuckedinalmostadecadeandahalf.Ashepushedpastmypartedlipsandbegantofillmyvaginal
walls,Iopenedmymouth,widenedmyeyesdrastically,anddidtheonlythingIcouldthinkofwhichmightprovidealittlerelief.
“Ohhhhhh,”Igroanedlikeawomanpossessedbydemons.
“That’sfuckingpainful…butitfeelsso
good,”Imoaned.
“Jesus,Sam.Yourpussywasn’tthistightwhenyouweresixteen,”hesaidunderhisbreath.
“WhenIwassixteen,”Isighed.
“Youwere…”
“Fuckingme…”
“Threetimes…”
“Aday…”Igruntedashecontinuedtotryandforcehimselfinsideofme.
Ibitmylowerlipandlaidmyheadtothesideashepulledagainstmyshouldersandslowlypushedhimselfdeeperanddeeperintomynotsoreceptivepussy.Asheslowlypressedhiscock
furtherandfurtherintome,Igrippedthesidesofthetabletightlyandbitdownharderonmylip.
AslongasIhadwaitedforthisdaytocome,andasexcitedasIwastobefuckinghimagain,IrealizedtherewasnowayIwasgoingtolast.AsmuchasIwanted
it,andeventhoughitfeltamazinginanoddlyawkwardway,havinghisarm-sizedcockinsideofmewaspainfulashell.AsIpreparedtotryandexplainmyneedtothrowinthetowelandofferhimonehellofablowjob,hepulleduponmyshoulders,liftedmychestfromthetable,
andsankhisteethintomyneck.
Afterthirtysecondsorsoofdragginghisteethalongmyneckandbitingmyshoulder,ear,andneckashedidso,hismouthcametorestagainstmyear.Asheexhaledwarmbreathagainstmyear,achillrandownmyspine.
“Thattightlittlepussyofyoursispissingmeoff,Sam,”hebreathedintomyear.
Goosebumpsrosealongmyarmandmyupperbodybegantotingle.
“I’mabouttopullout,shoveyoudownonyourknees,andjackoffonyour
prettylittleface,”hemoaned.
Themerementionofhavinghimjackoffonmyfaceopenedatotallynewchapterinmybookofmemories.Thethoughtofitsentatinglingsensationthroughmylowerregion,andsuddenlyIfeltmypussyopenuplikeabloomingrosebud.
Withinafewseconds,thepainwasgone,andOtiswasslidinginandoutofmenotwithease,butdefinitelywithoutmuchfrustration.
“Ohfuckyes,”ImoanedasIglancedtowardtheglasswall.
Thetwopeoplewereinthegymwererunningon
theirellipticalmachines,staringatthemirrorinfrontofthem.Inmymind,theywerewatchingOtisfuckmeandenjoyingwhattheywereseeing.AsIfelteachindividualinchofhisstiffshaftslideinsideofme,Isighedandgrinned,knowingitwouldn’tbelongbeforeI
eruptedintoanearthshatteringorgasm.
“I’mgoingtopulloutandcoveryourfaceincum,yousexylittlebitch,”hemoanedintomyearasherhythmicallyworkedhismanhoodinandoutofmydrippingpussy.
OhdearGod.
“Doit…butmakesurethey’re…watching…whenyoudo,”Imutteredashecontinuedtofuckmesenseless.
Thefeelingofhishandspullingonmyshoulders,hismouthagainstmyear,andhiscockdeepinsideofmenotonlybrought
backoldmemories,butwasquicklycreatinganewoneasIwatchedthepeopleontheothersideoftheglass.Whilehecontinuedtopoundeveryinchofhisswollenrodinsideofmysexuallyout-of-shapepussy,Ifeltlikehewastakingmyvirginityagain.
WhenIwassixteen,I
wasavirgin.IgavemyvirginitywillinglytoOtis,becauseatthetime,IknewnotonlythatIwasinlovewithhim,butthatIwantedtospendmyentirelifewithhimasmyother.Hewasslightlysmalleratthetime,andstoodroughlysixfeettall,buthiscockwaseverybitaslarge
thenasitwasnow.Ashepoundedaway,hishipsslappedagainstmyass,fillingtheroomwiththesoundofsex,andmymindwiththoughtsofwhetherornotlosingmyvirginitythefirsttimeorthistimewasmorepleasurable.
“They’rewatching
you…fuck…me.Youknowthat…right?”Isaidbetweenchoppybreaths.
“Theybetterbe,”hebreathedintomyearashereleasedmyshouldersandslidhishandsdowntomybreasts.
Hishugehandsmassagedmyboobsashe
continuedtoslidehiscockinandoutofmywetness.Eachinstrokehitaspotdeepwithinmethatsentasensationthroughouteveryinchofmyladybits.Asmyswollenpussytingledfromtheinsideout,hebegantopinchmynipplesbetweenhisthumbsandforefingers.
OhdearGod.
Hellyes.Squeezemytitties
whileyoufuckme.
Withhishipspoundingagainstmyassandmybackarched,hiscockwasbeatingatuneagainstmyg-spot.Ashisthreeavailablefingerscontinuedtosqueeze
myboobs,histhumbandforefingermaintainedpressureonmynipples.Thesensationofitallbecametoomuchandmybodybegantoshudder.
Andthatwasit.
Thebeginningoftheeversomiraculousorgasmthatfilledmybody,mind,
andspiritwithhope,desire,dreams,andloveshookmetomyinnerbeing.Asitcontinued,Igroanedintotheroom.
“OhhhhGodyes,”Imoanedashecontinuedtopinchmynipplesandpummelmyg-spot.
AsIcontinuedtofloat
outintoorgasmicheaven,Ididn’trealizehehadreleasedmynipplesfromhisgrasp.OnlywhenhishandcamedownagainstthesideofmyassdidIrealizethroughmyshock,stingingasscheek,andheightenedsenseofsexualsensationthathehadfreedhishandsfrommyboobs.
Slap!
Thesoundoftheskin-on-skincontactechoedthroughouttheroom.Iglancedattheglasswall,forsomereasonexpectingthepeopleinthegymtohavehearditandnowbeeagerlywatchinghimcontinuetofuckmelikehislittlesexual
playtoyIwaseagertobecome.
“Thistightlittlepussyofyours…”hegruntedashecontinuedtopoundhiscockintomywetness.
“Isalmost…toomuch,”hegroanedashegrippedmyasswithbothhands.
Mylegswererubber,mypussywasonfire,andmybodyfeltlikeIwasfloatinginacloudofsheerbliss.AsmuchasIwantedtocontinuetofuck,mypoorpussywasincapableofevenonemoremomentofpunishment.
Iwasdone.
“Cumonmyface,”I
gruntedashespreadmyasscheeksapartwithhishands.
Ithoughttheofferalonewouldexcitehimenoughtogethimtostopfuckingmeforamomentandconsiderit.Duringhisdowntime,IfiguredIcouldcomeupwithsomethingthatmightencouragehimtopulloutof
mypussyandfinishelsewhere.
“Tittyfuckme,”Isighed.
“Youhornylittlebitch,”hebreathedasheslowlypulledhiscockfrommywetpussy.
“Comehere,”hegrowledashegrabbeda
fistfulofmyhair.
IhadobviouslyarousedthealphamalesideofhimIsodesperatelydesired.Ashetuggedagainstmyhair,Istoodfrommypositionatthetable,kickedmyshortsandpantiestotheside,andfollowedhimasheshuffledtowardtheglass
wall,restrainedfromtakinglargestepsbythejeansstillwrappedaroundhisankles.
Ashecametoastopattheglasswindow,Ilookedupwardandthroughtheglass.Themanandwomanhadstoppedtheirworkout,andstoodtalkingbesidethemachinesastheystaredinto
theglass.
“Knees,”hedemandedashereleasedmyhair.
Ieagerlydroppedtomyknees.
“Open,”hebreathed.
Iopenedmymouthandraisedmyhandstomychest.AsImassagedmy
boobsinmyhands,heguidedhiscockpastmywaitinglips.Hemethodicallybegantoworkhismanhoodinandoutofmymouth,allowingmetofantasizeaboutthepeopleontheothersideofthewallactuallywitnessingmesuckhisdick.AsIclosedmyeyesanddriftedintola-laland,he
slowlypulledhiscockfromdeepinsidemythroat.
“Watchme,”hedemanded.
Iopenedmyeyesandanxiouslywatchedashestrokedhiscockvigorously.Hisswollenforearmandbicepwereasmuchofaturn-onashimstrokinghiscockin
myface.Afterroughlythirtyseconds,hearchedhisback,begantomoan,andpressedhisfreehandagainstmyforehead,tiltingmyheadslightlyrearward.AsImoanedinanticipationandcontinuedtosqueezemyboobs,hereleasedmyheadandpoundedhisfistagainst
theglass.
KneelinginfrontofhimsqueezingmyboobslikethesexuallydeprivedwomanIundoubtedlywas,myeyesremainedlockedonhisthrobbingcockashisclenchedfistworkedtomilkitofthespecialgifthereservedforme.Imoanedin
acombinationofexcitementandreliefasIwatchedcumspurtfromthetipandontomyface,lips,andintomymouth.Ashegroanedinpleasure,hecontinuedtobeatagainsttheglassandgrinlikeamadman.
Whenhefinallystoppedplasteringmewith
hiswarmwetsentiment,heshuffledtothesideandgrabbedafoldedtowelfromthetablebehindhim.
“HolyshitOtis,thatwasalotofcum,”IsighedasIdrugmyfingersalongmyfacelikelittlesqueegees.
“Here,wipeoff,”hesaidashehandedmethe
towel.
AsIcleanedmyfaceInoticedheglancedupattheglassandsmiled.
Knowingthepeopleinthegymhadnoearthlyideaofwhatwewerereallydoing,Iwantedtoplayalong,hopingtoprolongOtis’wonderoftheirvoyeuristic
nature.
“What?”IaskedasIglancedupathim.
Heshruggedhisshouldersashereacheddowntopulluphisjeans,“Theyleftaftertheshowwasover,buttheygottoseemejackitonyourprettylittlemug.”
“Well,atleastthey
stuckarounduntilthegrandfinale,”IsaidasItossedthewaddeduptowelontothetopoftheglasstable.
AfterIfoundmyshortsandpanties,Igotdressed.Otiswasgoodformeinareally,reallybadway.Sayingnotohimwasimpossible,andIlikedthat
abouthim.HefullyrealizedhewasmyKryptonite,renderingmepowerlessinhispresence,butalthoughhemightpressrightupagainstafewboundaries,henevertookadvantageofme.Knowingwhentostopwasastrengthheseemedtonaturallypossess.
Aswewalkedoutoftheroomandintothehallway,heturnedtowardthegymandgrinned.
“Theygotahellofashowattheend,”hesaidwithanod.
Istoppedandshookmyhead,laughinginsideatthefacttheglasswasaone-
waymirror.
“It’sone-wayglass,”Ichuckled.
Heshookhishead,“Notwhenthelightsareoffinthepoolroomanddimmedinthegym.Itreducesthereflectivenatureoftheglass.Theysawus,believeme.”
Iconsideredwhathe
said,realizingmyeyeswereclosedattheendwhilehepoundedagainsttheglass.Afterashortconsideration,Idecidedhewassimplytoyingwithme.I’dworkedoutinthegymonseveralnightsofmyweeklongstay,andallIhadeverseenwasmyreflection.
“You’refullofshit,”Isighed.
Hereachedtowardthedoorhandleandpulledthedooropen.
“Goinsideandlookattheglass,smartass,”hesaidashetossedhisheadtowardthedoor.
“Fine,”IhuffedasI
steppedthroughtheopendoorandintothegym.
Althoughthelightswereon,theyweredimmedtoaverylowleveloflight,nodifferentthantheywerewhenthecouplewasworkingout.Iglancedaroundtheroom,andafterafewsecondsofmyeyesadjustingtothe
lighting,Iglancedatthemirroredwall.
Themirroredwallwasnolongeramirror,butonlyadarkenedsheetofglass.Igazedintotheadjoiningroomandfocusedonthecum-coveredtowelIhadwaddedupontheglasstable.Asmymindfilledwithshock,my
bodyandspiritfilledwithaneeriesenseofsexualsatisfactionknowingthecouplehadwatchedhimfuckmeandjackoffonmyface.
AsIreachedforthedoorhandleIrealizedmylifewasgoingtobeturnedupsidedowninaveryshortperiodoftime.HavingOtisasa
loverwassomethingIknewveryfewwomenonthisearthcouldhandle,andIwasoneofselectfewwhowereable.
Hell,Iwasprobablytheonlyone.
Iopenedthedoor,turnedtowardhimandgrinned,“Whatarewegoingtodowhenwegetbacktothe
room?”
“Couldyouseethroughtheglass?Seethepool?”heaskedoverhisshoulderasheturnedaway.
“Yes,”Isighed.
Henoddedhishead.
“Sowhatarewegoingtodowhenwegetbacktotheroom?Sleep?”Iasked
again.
“Backtotheroom?Wearen’tgoingtotheroom,”hesaidasheturneddownthehallwaywhichledtotheparkinglot.
“Wherearewegoing,backtothebar?”Iasked.
“Nope,goingouttothebike,”hesaid,“Iwantto
lickyourpussywhileyou’resittingonmybike.”
Somewhatshockedbyhisstatement,butexcitedatthethought,Ispuninhisdirection.
“Intheparkinglot?”Iaskedexcitedly.
“Yep,”herespondedasheopenedthedoor.
Iglancedoutintotheparkinglotathismotorcycle.AsIgazedatthesilhouetteintheglowoftheparkinglotlights,Ibegantoitchallover.Withinasecondorso,mypussybegantotingle.IglancedupathimandgrinnedasIsteppedthroughthedoor.
“Soundsgoodtome,”IsaidasIshruggedmyshouldersandwalkedpasthim.
HavingOtisinmylifeagainwasnotonlygoingtobeachallenge,butwouldrequiresomesignificantadjustments.
AdjustmentsIwas
morethanwillingtomake.
OTISWhenIwaseightyearsold,IwantedaB.B.gunforChristmas.Afterwhatseemedtobealifetimeof
wait,Christmasmorningcame.IrealizedtheelongatedboxSantaClaushadleftbythetreecouldhavecontainedanything,butasItorethewrappingpaperfromthebox,IhopeditwaswhatIdesperatelyfeltIneededtomoveforwardintomanhood.LivingintheMid-west,a
boy’sreceiptofaB.B.gunwasnotonlyconfirmationhewasbecomingaman,butproofhewasaresponsibleyoungmanworthyofthepowertheweaponpossessed.
Muchtomysurpriseandcompletesatisfaction,theboxwasclearlymarkedDaisy,themanufacturerof
theundisputedkingofB.B.guns.Withmyheartracing,Icautiouslyopenedthebox,beingcarefulnottoripthepreciouscardboard.
AsIheftedthegunfromtheboxmyheartswelledwithpride.Fightingbacktearsofjoy,Istoodinmypajamaswiththegunin
myarms.
“Heknew,Pop.HeknewIwasready,”Iexclaimed.
Myfathernoddedhishead,“Didhegetyoutherightone?”
“Pop,it’saDaisy,”Igrinned,“TheRedRyder.”
Henarrowedhisgaze
asheshiftedhiseyestowardtheweapon,“Isthatagoodone?”
Igrinnedandnoddedmyhead,“Thebest,Pop.It’sthebestoneontheentireplanet.”
Hegrinnedasheturnedtowardmymother,“Well,soundslikeSanta
Claushasgothisshittogether.”
Andsobeganmyloveandrespectforguns.Icherishedtheweapon,andatleastinitiallyItookitwithmeeverywhereIwent.Itsickenedmetogotoschoolwithoutit,certainIjustmightneeditforsomethingAxton
andIencounteredinourwalktoschooloronourwayhome.Theexcitementdidn’tsoonfade,andonatypicalmorningI’dimmediatelycheckthewoodenrackonthewallofmybedroomassoonasIwoketomakesureitremainedwhereIhadleftitthenightbefore.
Atthetime,thethoughtofseparatingmyselffrommycherishedgiftleftmefeelingemptyandexposed.AlthoughIdidn’tnecessarilyneedit,beingwithoutitcausedmetofeelasifIdidn’tappreciateitforeverythingitprovidedme.
Withitinmy
presence,Ifeltasenseofself-worthandpurposeIdidn’tfeelinitsabsence.
SeparatingmyselffromthingsIcherishedforevenamoment’stimehadalwaysbeenadifficultthingformetodo.TheMCwasaprimeexampleofmyinabilitytospendtimeaway
fromsomethingItrulyhelddeartomyheart.
Iglancedatmygunsafeandgrinned,knowingitstillcontainedtheB.BgunIhadreceivedtwenty-eightyearsprior.BeingathomewhileSamcontinuedtoinventoryhermother’shousewasdrivingmeinsane.
SimilartogoingtoschoolwithoutmyB.B.gunwhileIknewitwasatmydisposal,beingathomewithoutSamatmysideleftmefeelingemptyandalone.
Iglancedatmytwomotorcyclesandshiftedmygazetothecar.Coveredwithacustomcovertopreserve
theperfectlyrestoredcondition,thecarbeneaththecoverwasanabsolutepleasuretodriveandahigh-horsepowerbeast.IhadpurchasedthecarasabasketcasewhenIwassixteenyearsold.Inshambles,incomplete,andwithoutamotor,transmission,orrearaxle,my
fatherhadtraileredthecarhomeinpilesandboxes.Together,overanalmosttwoyearlongtimeframe,wepiecedthecartogether,andheloanedmethemoneyforadriveline.
Oneofmyfather’spoliceforcefriendspaintedcarsanddidbodyworkonthe
sideforsparecash.Aftersomenegotiationandalittlepersuasivenature,myfatherconvincedhimtorepairthecarandpaintitwithashowqualitypaintjobformyreturnofyardwork.Halfwaythroughmysenioryearinschool,wecompletedthecar.
Justintimeformy
seniorpromandgraduation.
Now,nodifferentlythanmostotherbikers,thethoughtofridinginacagewasrepulsivetome.Ireservedtripsinthecarforspecialoccasions,oftendrivingitonceamonthonaSundayeveningortakingittolocalcarshows.Fromtimeto
timeI’dremovethecover,driveittoWichita,andstreetracesomeunsuspectingCorvetteoralocalteenwithaSubaruWRXturbohe’dtrickedout.
Myspecialoccasion1969CamaroZ-28.
IglancedatmyHarleybagger.Ishiftedmy
eyestomyHeritageSoftail.Afterafewmomentsofstaringblanklyatthebikes,Isighed,tookasipfrommycupofcoffee,andstaredattheCamaro.Iraisedthecoffeecuptomylips,finishedthecoffee,andplacedthecupontheshelfbesidethedoor.
Islowlywalkedtowardthecar,carefullyremovedthecover,andopenedthedoor.
Fuckit.Ifthisisn’taspecial
occasion,Idon’tknowwhatis.
SAMSquattedinthecornerofthebackbedroom,IbegantodigthroughaboxIhadfoundintheclosetmarkedSamantha
School.AsIpulledeachitemfromtheboxcarefully,Irealizedjusthowmuchmyparticipationinschoolactivitiesmeanttomymother.Reportcards,photographsofme,andvariousnewspaperarticlesannouncingmysuccessesintrack,basketball,anddebate
wereamongsttheitemsIwassurprisedtofind.
AsmuchasIenjoyedthememoriesthenewfounditemsbroughttothesurface,IrealizedIcouldspendnothingshortofforeverdiggingthroughtheboxesinmymother’shome.Althoughshewasaveryneatwoman,it
wasapparentshewassomewhatofapackrat,boxingupeverythingherlifeproduced,keepingitforfuturereferenceorsimplyforthejoyitbroughther.
Iglancedaroundthe
roomasIdroppedmy4th
gradereportcardintothebox.Mymindawhirlwindof
thoughtsandemotion,Itriedtocomprehendnotonlytheworkwhichwasinfrontofmeatmymother’shouse,butthefactOtiswasnowbackinmylife.
LivinginSt.Louiswasn’tanoptionnow,andalthoughIknewafterreceivingmyinheritanceI
didn’tneedtoworkanylonger,IfeltIshouldtokeepmysanity.MovingbacktoWichitawasgoingtotakealittletime,andthoughtsofwhereI’dliveandwhenI’dbeabletomovebegantoswirlincirclesinmyhead.
Istood,stretchedmyachinglegs,andgazedatthe
doorway.
“Meow…”
Youdisgustingfurball.
Realizingmyonlywayoutoftheroomwasblockedbythefuzzyvarmint,Istompedmyfootonthefloorinanefforttoscareheraway.Althoughitappearedto
initiallystartleher,sheimmediatelysettledintohersphinx-likepostureagainandstaredatmewithhergoldenglassyorbs.
Asshestaredatme,sheblinkedhereyesslowlyafewtimes.
Younastycretin.
Iglancedaroundthe
roomforsomethingsoftIcouldthrowinherdirection,andeventuallydecideditdidn’tnecessarilyneedtobesoft.Aftersomethought,Ireachedintothebox,removedoneofmybrassmedalsfromplayingbasketball,andsliditacrossthewoodenfloor,pasther,
andintothehallway.
Beingtheutteridiotshewas,shequicklyturnedandrantowardthemedallion,assumingitwasalive.
Whilesheattemptedtobatthemedalacrossthefloorwithherdisgustingpaw,Iescapedtheroom,steppedpasther,anddownthe
hallwaytowardthelivingroom.FeelingasifIneededtotryandassembleaplanformynearfuture,whatIwasgoingtodoaboutmoving,andwhereIintendedtolive,mymindinsteadbegantothinkofOtisandwhatlittleprecioustimewehadspenttogether.AsIsatonthe
loveseatrecalledmybestversionofourpoolroomsex,aloudrumblingsoundfromoutsidecausedthehaironthebackofmynecktostandup.
Itsoundedliketheworldwascomingtoanend.
Curiousastowhatthenoisemightbe,Istoodandwalkedacrosstheroom.AsI
gotclosertothewindow,thelevelofthesoundincreasedandseemedtobecomecloserandclosertothehouse.Asthenoisereachedanall-timehigh,Ipulledthecurtainstothesideandpeeredoutside.
Immediately,mystomachfilledwithbutterflies.
Isthisevenpossible?
Youstillhaveit?Irantothefrontdoor
andyankeditopen.Inthedriveway,grinningfromeartoear,Otiswasseatedinwhatappearedtobeaverynicelikenessofthe1969Camarohedrovethroughoutthelatteryearsofour
relationship.Therewasnodoubthehadtheabilitytoexcitemesexually,buthiscarabsolutelydrovemeintoanentirelydifferenttypeofsexualfrenzy.
Hiscarmademewet.
“Looksjustlikeyouroldcar,”Ishoutedoverthesoundoftheexhaust.
Heturnedoffthecarandsteppedintothedriveway.Standingbesidethecarinateeshirt,jeans,andhissneakers,helookedjustlikehedidwhenwewereinhighschool.AsIstoodontheporchadmiringhimandthecaritseemedasifwehadneverbeenapart.
“Itismyoldcar,”hegrinned.
“Youstillhaveit?Seriously,isit?”Iscreeched.
Henoddedhisheadproudly.
Ijumpedfromtheporch,rantothepassengersideofthecar,andcarefullyopenedthedoor.Aquick
glanceofthegloveboxprovidedalltheconfirmationIneededtosee.TheSublimestickerIhadaffixedtothecenterofthegloveboxdoorremainedrightwhereIhadstuckitin1996.
Theleadsingerofthebandhaddiedofaheroinoverdosethedaybeforewe
graduatedhighschool.Payingtributetohimandmyloveoftheband,IhadstuckthestickeronOtis’gloveboxwhileIwaitedinthecarasheandAxtondiscussedouraftergraduationplans.
Iglancedoverthetopofthecar.
“It’sstillthere,”I
said.
“Rightwhereyouleftit,”hegrinned,“Iwantedtokillyouforstickingthatfuckeronthere,butIcouldneverbringmyselftoremoveit.”
“Thememoriesthisthingbringsback,”IsighedasIglancedupanddownthe
sideofthecar.
“Goodones,”hesaidashewalkedaroundthefrontofthecar.
“Takemeforaride,”IsaidasIreachedforthedoorhandle.
Heturnedaroundandwalkedbacktothesideofthecar.
“Getin,”hesaidasheopenedthedoor.
Astheenginestarted,itstartledme.Thesoundoftherumblingexhaust,thoughtsofallthetimesIhadsuckedhiscockwhilewe’ddriventothemovies,andthesheerexcitementofseeingthecaragaincausedmeto
begintoshake.Iheldmyarmtothesideandflattenedmyhandashebackedoutofthedriveway.
“Look,”Isaidasheshiftedthecarintogear.
“What?”
“I’mshaking,”IsaidasInoddedmyheadtowardmyhand.
“Why?”heshruggedashereleasedtheclutch.
Ishookmyhead,“Thiscar,you.Memories.Jesus,Otis.Thisisjustcrazy.Ican’tbelieve…”
“Well,believeit.I’mnotlettingyougetawaythistime,”hesaidoverhisshoulderasthecarinched
alongthestreet.
“Promise?”Iasked.
Hereleasedthegearshift,heldhisrighthandathisside,andextendedhispinkiefingerfromhisotherwiseclenchedfist.
“Pinkiepromise,”hesaid.
Achillrandownmy
spine.Heremembered.Wehadmadedozensofpinkiepromisesaskids,buthewouldneverpinkiepromisewewouldbetogetherforeverbecausehesaidhecouldn’tguaranteeit.AccordingtoOtis,andtohisfather,breakingapinkiepromisewaspunishablebycuttingoff
thepinkieoftheonewhobrokethepromise.
Ipointedmyextendedpinkiefingerathim,“Ifyoubreakapinkiepromise…”
“I’llletyoucutthefuckeroffwithmydad’spocketknife,”hesaidbeforeIfinishedspeaking.
“Yousureyouwantto
dothis,”Iasked.
Withlightning-likespeed,hereachedforthegearshift,shiftedgears,andthrusthishandintotheair,lockingmypinkiewithhis.Nowwithourhandsinthecenterofthecarwithourpinkiesintertwined,everythingIhadsatinthe
roomandworriedaboutnolongermattered.Now,IhadOtisrightwhereIwantedhim.
Inmylifeforever.
“There,nowyou’restuck,”hegrinned.
Istareddownatourlockedpinkies.
“Couldn’tbe
happier,”Isighed.
Hereleasedmyfingerandshiftedgearsagain.Igazedathimadmiringly,andrealizedhewasn’twearinghismotorcyclevest.Maybe,Idecided,itwasbecausehewasn’tridinghismotorcycle.TolethimknowInoticed,Ioptedtomentionit.
“Notwearingyourbikervesttoday?”Iasked.
HeshookhisheadasheturnedthecornerontoCentralAvenue,“Notallowedtowearthemincars.Thevestiscalledacut.Andwecallcarsoranykindofvehicleacage.Andthere’snocutsallowedincages.”
InoddedmyheadasIglanceddownatmypinkie.
“Isee.”
ConsideringOtiswasnowinanactualmotorcyclegangmademealittlenervous.Althoughheandafewfriends-Axtonincluded-hadriddenmotorcyclessincetheywerekids,hewas
neverinaganginthepast.MyexperiencewithmotorcyclegangswaslimitedtowhatIsawonthenews,andalthoughIhadn’tseenmuch,Icouldn’thelpbutseethenationwidecoveragethebikergunfightinTexaswasgiven.
“So,thisgangyou’re
in,doyou…”
“It’saclub,notagang,”heinterrupted.
“Okay,”Ishrugged,“Yourclub,whatisitthatyouguysdo?”
Withhiseyesfixedontheroadahead,herespondedwithoutemotion.
“Weridebikesand
drinkbeer.”
“That’sit?”Iasked,somewhatrelievedandslightlyshocked.
“Can’treallysay,Sam.It’slikethis,”hesaidoverhisshoulderandhechangedlanes,“We’reaprivateclub.Clubbusinessisclubbusiness,andnoone
else’s.Wedon’tdiscussitwithanyone.It’snothingagainstyou,andeventhoughyou’retheonlywomanItrulytrust,forsakeoftheclubandeveryoneinit,I’msworntosecrecysotospeak.”
Iturnedtothesideandfacedhimdirectly,“Secrecy?Sowe’regoingto
keepsecrets?”
“Sam…”hesighed.
“Youaren’tlikethoseguysdowninTexas,areyou?Theonesthatgotinagunfight?”Iasked.
Istaredathimashegrippedthesteeringwheelinhishands.Obviouslyhewasslightlyoffendedbymy
question-themusclesonhisbicepsflaredasheclenchedthewheel.Afterswallowingandgivinghisresponsesomethought,heglancedinmydirection.
“There’smotorcycleclubs,andthere’s1%ermotorcycleclubs.The1%clubisanamethatdatesback
toWorldWarone,andisindicativeofthebeliefthatonlyonepercentofpeoplewhoridemotorcyclesareoutlaws.A1%erclubiscalledanoutlawclub.Theywereanoutlawclub,”heexplained.
“Areyou…orisyourclubanoutlawclub,”Iasked.
Henoddedhishead,“Yesweare.”
“Sohowlonguntilyouguysdecidetoshootupabarandgotoprison,Otis?”Iaskedsarcastically.
“Wedon’tshootupbars,Sam.We’renotlikethat,”hesaidoverhisshoulder.
IglancedupasheturnedthecarintotheparkinglotofaStarbuckscoffeeshop.AlthoughI’dbeentotheintersection,thelasttimeIhadbeenthere,therewasn’tacoffeeshop,butagasstation.
“Whendidtheyputthishere?”Iasked.
“Ten,maybetwelveyearsago,”heshrugged.
AsIglancedatthebuildingovermyshoulder,Irealizedinmytimeawayalotofthingshadchanged.IturnedtowardOtisandcrossedmyarms.
“Well,Idon’tlikethesecretthing,”Ihuffed.
Heraisedhishandstohisheadandrubbedhistemplesforalongmoment.Asheloweredhishands,hesighed.
“Lookatitthisway,Sam.Ijustmadeapinkiepromisewithyou.DoyouthinkI’llbreakit?”heasked.
“No,Isuredon’t.I
knowhowyou’reweirdaboutpromises.Ilikethataboutyou,”Iresponded.
“Okay,lookatitthisway.Itookanoathwiththeclub.Imadeapromise,underoath,toneverdiscusstheintricaciesofthecluborclubbusinesswithanoutsider,allinanefforttoprotecttheclub
andthemeninit.Formetobreakthatpromisewouldbenodifferentthanbreakingmypinkiepromisewithyou.Igavemyword.It’sallI’vegot,Sam.”
AsmuchasIdidn’tlikeit,everythingnowmadeperfectsense.Otiswasapridefulman,andhehad
alwaysbeenamanwithtremendousmoralvalues.I’msurehetookgreatprideinbeingabletooffertheclubhisabsolutesilencewhenquestionedoftheiractivities.
“Okay,I’llrespectthat,”Isaidwithanod,“Whatarewedoinghere?”
“Well,nowthatwe’re
donearguingaboutthat,I’mgoingtogetacupofcoffee.Ithoughtwe’drelaxouthereinthesunbeforeitgetstoohot,maybegetlunch,gotoamovie,andthenwe’llsee,”heshrugged.
“Yougoingtoletmesuckthatbigcockofyoursinthemovie?”Iasked.
Hereachedforthedoor,openedit,andturnedtofaceme.
“Doesasharkshitinthesea?”heresponded.
“Suredoes,”Inodded.
“Answer’syes,”hegrinned.
AsthoughtsofsuckingOtis’cockinahalf
filledafternoonmoviefilledmymind,concernsandworriesabouthisinvolvementinanoutlawmotorcycleclubslowlyvanished.OnethingaboutbeinginarelationshipwithOtiswasthatallthetimeIhadspentwithhimwasfilledwithlove,sex,andpassion,
leavingverylittletimeforanythingelse.
And,aslove,sex,andpassionwereonthetopofmyrelationshipprioritylist,Ididn’tcomplainonebit.
“Well,let’schokedownacupofcoffeeandgettothemovie,”IsaidovermyshoulderasIreachedforthe
doorhandle,“Ihaven’tbeentothemovieinyears.”
“Beenabitforme,too,”Otissaidasheopenedhisdoor.
Ipausedandglancedathimoverthetopofthecar,“Lastmovieyousaw?”
“FightClub,”hesaidwithanod.
“FightClub?LikeFightClubwithBradPittandEdwardNorton?”Ishrugged.
FightClubwasthelastmovieIhadseenwithOtis,inthefallof1999,immediatelybeforewesplitup.Immediatelyafterthat,Imovedaway.ItwaslateOctoberof1999,rightbefore
myfavoriteholiday,Halloween.
Otisshruggedhisshouldersandtiltedhisheadtotheside,“FirstruleofFightClubis…”
“FirstruleofFightClubis,youdonottalkaboutfightclub,”IsaidasIwalkedaroundtheedgeofthecar.
“SecondruleofFightClubis…”hesaidashesteppedtowardmeandreachedformyhand.
“SecondruleofFightClubis,youdonottalkaboutfightclub,”Isaidflatly.
Hestoppedwalkingandturnedtofaceme,“ThirdruleofFightClubis…”
Igazedathimandgrinned.Forme,thiswaseasy.I’dseenthemovieonNetflixandownedtheDVD.Watchingthemovieremindedmeofhim,andIhadwatcheditnolessthanfiftytimes.
“ThirdruleofFightClubis,ifsomeoneyellsstop,
goeslimp,ortapsout,thefightisover,”Iresponded.
“Iloveyou,Sam,”hesaidasheleanedforwardandbegantokissme.
Aswestoodinthemiddleoftheparkinglotkissing,Icouldn’thelpbutadmitthatIlovedhimtoo.Itwasalmostasifwhenwe
splitin1999,progressforbothofushadstoppedcompletely.Ourlivescontinued,andtheworld’sclocktickedatthesamepace,butneitherofusmadeanyprogresstowardbuildinganewlifeormovingon.Now,fourteenyearslater,wewerebothreadytomakeupfor
whatwehadmissedoutonforsomanyyears.
Asourlipsparted,Istoodandstaredathimadmiringly.Althoughhehadgonethroughchangesinhislife,hewasstillverymuchthesamepersonIfellinlovewithasayounggirlandcontinuedtoloveuntilthis
day.Alittleolder,morethanlikelyalotwiser,andnowinanoutlawmotorcyclegang,hewasstillthesameplayful,loving,protectivepersonhehadalwaysbeen.
Andinconsideringallofthegoodheofferedme,Idecidedtocastwhatlittlebadhehadembracedaside.For
metobecriticalofhimforsomethinghesowholeheartedlybelievedinwouldbeselfish.
AndIhadnointentionofbeingselfish.
Notagain.
Itwastimeformetobecomegrateful.
Aswewalkedtoward
thecoffeeshop,hand-in-hand,IglancedbacktowardtheCamaro.Afteralltheseyearshestillhadit.Hehadkeptitforwhateverreason,butultimately,hehadkeptit.Tomethatwasallthatmattered.
Andforthat,Iwasgrateful.
OTISTherewasneveradoubtinmymindthatIhadtheabilitytolove.IlovedtheMC.Ilovedthepassionthemen
shared,myMCBrothers,andtheconceptoftheclubentirely.IlovedthebrothersIheldclosetomyheart-Axton,Toad,andBiscuit-andwithoutadoubtIlovedAveryandSydney.
TheloveIfeltformyparentswasindescribable.
Lovingawoman-
trulylovingawomanwhoIbelievedtobemyotherhalf-wasdifferent.
Muchdifferent.
Samwasn’tinmyworld,shewasmyworld.Iwoulddoanythingforher,everythingtoprotecther,andwhateverIwasrequiredtodotopreservewhatwehad
together.AssoonasIhadherinmyarmsagain,Irealizedthedepthofmyloveforher.
AlthoughIknewallalongthatIlovedher,Idon’tthinkIrealizedexactlywhatlovingsomeonecompletelymeant.Iwasnolongeraselfishboy,Ihaddevelopedintoaselflessman,and
lovingSamwasprovingtobesomethingIwasnotonlycapableof,butobsessedwith.Samprovidedmewithanentirelynewlistofreasonstowanttolivelifetothebestofmyability.
Lovingherdidn’tkeepmefrompushinghertoherlimits.Infact,pushingher
wasalwayssomethingshelovedaboutme,andIhopeditwouldneverchange.
“Yousureasfuckbetter,”Igrowled.
“Seriously,Otis.There’slike,”sheturnedherheadandglancedaroundthetheater.
“Liketwentypeople
inhere,”shesighedassheturnedaround.
“Lookatme,Sam.Lookatme,”Isaidsternly.
“OkayOtis,I’mlookingatyou,”shewhispered.
“DoIlooklikeIgiveafuck,”Ishrugged.
Afterafewsecondsof
studyingme,sheshruggedhershoulders,“No.”
“Okay.Now,domeafavor.Forme.Stickyourfingerinsideyourshortsandfeelthatlittlepussyofyours.Tellmeifit’swet,Sam,”Isaidflatly.
Afterglancingaroundthetheaternervously,she
loweredherhandbetweenherlegs.Igazedtowardherlapandwatchedassheslidherfingerbeneaththefabricofhershorts.Afterafewseconds,shesighed,raisedherfingerintheair,andwipeditontheseatbesideher.
“Soaked,”shesighed.
“Now,let’sagreeonsomething,”Iwhispered.
“Let’shearit,”shesighed.
“Well,withoutadoubt,therearetimeswhenaguywantstofuck,andhiscockisn’tverycooperative.Hemightwanttogoatit,buthisjunkislimp.And,there
aretimeswhenawomanspendshalfanhourkissingaguy,thinkshe’sprettyhot,anddecidesshewantstofuckhim.Theproblemisthatherpussyisn’twetyet.Nowcanweagreethesetypesofthingshappen,andthesesituationsactuallyexist?”IaskedasIglanceddowntherowsof
seats.
“Yeah,Iagree,”shebreathed.
IturnedmyheadtothesideandfocusedonherbeautifulfaceasIcontinued,“Okay.Good.Now,conversely,ifaman’scockisrigidasapieceofsteel,orawoman’spussyisdripping
downherleg,wouldyounotagreethatsheorheisreadynotonlyfromamentalstateofbeing,butphysicallyaswell?”
“Isupposeso,”shesighed.
“Damn,weagreedonsomething.Good.Okay,now,letmeaskyouonemore
thing.Doyouloveme,”IaskedasIreachedformybeltbuckle.
Eventhoughthetheaterwasquitedarkandthemoviehadn’tstartedyet,itwasn’tdifficulttoseeherwrinkledbrowordetectherhugeattitude.
“YouknowIdo,”she
hissedinahalf-whisper.
“Okay.Well,ifyouloveme,andyourpussyiscurrentlyawetlittledrippingmess,whywouldyoudeprivenotonlyme-butyourwillingandwantingself-ofalittlecock?”IaskedasIunbuttonedmyjeans.
Sheglanced
downward,studyingmyhandasIunbuttonedmyjeans.AsIpulledmycockfreeofmypants,shenoddedherheadtowarditandglancedupward.
“That’swhy.Inyourhand.Lookatit,Otis.I’mnotdeprivingmyselfofalittlecock.Yourcockneedsa
fuckingzipcode.It’shuge.Now,letmeaskyousomething,”shesaidasshealternatedglancesbetweenmycockandmyface.
“Okay?”IshruggedasIbegantostrokemycock.
“You’vetakenashitbefore,right,”sheasked.
Irolledmyeyesand
glancedupattheceilingbeforeanswering.
“Yes,”Isighed.
“Okay.Nowyou’reaprettybigdude,soI’mgoingtoguessyoutakeaprettybigshit.Let’sjustagreeonthat,okay?”shesaidasshenoddedherhead.
“Alright,”Isighed,
feelingsomewhatfrustratedwithherlineofthinking.
“Okay.Nowifyou’vetakenprettybigshitsovertheyears,I’mgoingtoguessyourassholeisaboutasreceptivetohavingsomethingstuffedinitasmypussyis.Probablyaprettygoodmatch.Yourassandmytwat.Now
askyourselfthis.DoyouthinkIcouldshovethatfuckerinyouandhaveyounotsquealsoloudyou’dwakethedead?Doyou?”sheasked.
Ishookmyheadandchuckled.Ihadnoideawhereshewasheadedwiththeshit-talk,butshemadeagood
point.Samneverhadaproblemchallengingmeifshedisagreed,andIrespectedherforit.Myjob,inmyopinion,wastomakesureshefeltthewayshebelievedshefelt.
IcontinuedtostrokemycockasIstaredather.
“Guessnot,”Isaid
flatly.
“Huh.Pointmade,”shesaidassheturnedtofacethescreen.
Asthelightsbegantodim,andthesoundsystembegantoemitDolbyTHXbouncingballbullshitaroundtheroom,Istrokedmycockandtiltedmyheadher
direction.
“Onemorequestion,”IsaidasIleanedherdirection.
“Shoot,”shewhispered.
Ileanedmyheadontohershoulderandglancedupintohereyes.
“Whenyou’re
watchingamovie,doyoueverturnaroundandwatchthepeoplebehindyou?”Iasked.
Sheshookherhead,“No,Iwatchthemovie.”
“Who’sbehindus?”Iasked.
“Nobody,Otis.We’reinthebackrow,”she
whispered.
“Sotheonlypeoplewhocanseeusareinfront,right?”
“Yeah,”sheresponded.
“Andwejustagreedthey’renotgoingtoturnaround,right?”IaskedasIliftedmyheadfromher
shoulder.
“Forgetit,Otis,”shesighed.
Ireleasedmycockfrommygripandreachedforherhair.Afterliftingtheblondestrandsoverherleftearandcarefullydrapingthembehindit,Iadmiredherbeautifulface.Afterafew
secondsofadmiration,Ileanedtowardherandbitthebottomofherearbetweenmyteeth.Withherearlobeinmyteeth,Igrowledintoherear.
“Yousexylittlebitch,”Ibreathedagainstherear.
Ireachedoverwithmylefthandandgrabbedher
boob.AsIbegantosqueezeitinmyhand,shestartedtomoanquietly.Whileshewiggledinherseatandgroaned,Iinhaledanaudiblebreaththroughmyclenchedteethandexhaledslowlyintoherear.
“Reachoverhereandgrabmyfuckingcock,Sam,”
Ibreathed.
Withoutspeaking,herhandfumbledinmylapuntilshefoundmyrigidcock.Asshebegantoslowlystrokeit,Ibitintoherearlobewithslightlymoreforceandexhaledintoherearagain.Immediately,hershoulderjerkedandshetiltedherhead
totheside,pressingagainstthesideofmyface.
“You’redrivingmecrazy,”shebreathed.
“Andyou’repissingmeoff.Sincewhendoyounotlistentome?ThistimeI’mnotasking,I’mtelling.Getyoursexylittlecocksuckingmouthdowntherein
frontofmeandsuckmycock,Sam,”IbreathedasIreleasedherearandpointedtothefloor.
Withoutreleasingmycockfromhergrasp,sheloweredherselftothefloorandleanedforward.Wedgedbetweenthefrontofmyseatandtheseatinfrontofme,
sheglancedupandgrinned.
“I’msowet,”shesighedasshebegantostrokemyswollenshaft.
Igrinnedandglancedaroundthetheater.Infrontofus,threerowsdown,weretwopeopleononeside,andtwopeopleonthefarotherside.Inthelowerportionof
thetheater,andentirerowwasfilledwithagroupoffifteenorsopeople,andanothercouplesattoourimmediateleft,tworowsdown.Alltold,roughlytwentypeoplewereinattendance.Asthemoviebegantoplay,Ifelthermouthencompassmycock.
Iglanceddownandsighedatthesightofherheadmovingupanddowninmylap.AlthoughI’msurenotallwomenenjoyhavingacockstuffedintotheirthroatforcefully,Samwasnostrangertothetipofmydickpummelinghermouthlikeawoodpeckerpoundingaway
atatreetrunk.Afteraquickinventoryofthetheateragain,Iloweredmyhandsontothebackofherheadandslowlyraisedmyassfromtheseat.Asthecowboyonthescreenpulledanoldmanfromaburningcar,IbegantofuckSam’sfacelikeIwastryingtoputoutafiredeepwithin
herthroat.
Thesoundofhersloppyslobberingandgaggingwasprettyevidentwherewewereseated,butthesoundeffectsanddialoguefromthemoviemaskedthesoundsofoursexualadventurefromeveryoneelse’sears–especiallythose
seatedintheinthefrontofthetheater.Iknewitwouldtakenomorethanaminuteofmycockinhermouthtodriveherinsane,andafterholdingherheadtightlyinmylapforafeweye-wateringseconds,Ireleasedherheadandleanedforward.
Asshepulledher
headfrommylapshegaspedforbreath.
“Holyshit,Otis,”shesighedasshewipedhermouthwiththebackofherhand.
“Takeoffyourshortsandturnaround,”Isaidflatly.
Sheglancedovereachofhershouldersassheraised
herselfintoacrouchedposition.Afterafewsecondsofstrugglingtogetthemoff,shesighedandstood.Nowstandingbesideme,shemumbledafewunintelligibleexpletivesandyankedagainstthewaistofhershorts,pullingthemandherpantiesdowntoherthighs.Afew
expletivesandalittlemorestrugglinglater,andshewasnakedfromthewaistdown.
Iglancedaroundthetheater.
Everyoneremainedfocusedonthemovieasthecowboywalkedtothedoorwithabouquetofflowers.
“Turnaroundandride
mycock,Sam,”Iwhispered.
“Noshit,Sherlock,”shesaidthoughherteeth,“IthoughtI’djuststandhere.”
Sheturnedaround,reachedbackandgrabbedherasswitheachhand,andassheattemptedtospreadherglisteningpussyaswideasshecould,loweredherself
ontothetipofmycock.AsIguidedthetipintoherpussywithonehand,Ipressedmyotherintothesmallofherback.Althoughfuckinginthehotelpoolroomwastorturous,thistimeIslidwithexceptionaleaseintoherwetwarmfold.
“Jesus,”shesighedas
mycockbottomedout.
Ireachedforwardwithmyrighthandandcoveredhermouth.AsIpulledthebackofherheadtowardmychest,Isatupinmyseatslightly,forcinghertoarchherback.Nowincapableofspeaking,herbackarched,andherhands
stillgrippingherass,shebegantorockbackandforthalongthelengthofmyswollenshaft.
Hersoakingwetbutstillever-so-tightpussyworkedmagicalongmystiffdick.Eachtimesheraisedherassorloweredherselfontomylap,Ifeltasifthetipof
mycockwasgoingtoexplode.Swollentoanall-timehighgirthandashardasadiamond,itseemedtheskinwashypersensitivetotheperfectrhythmofherreversecowgirlride.Asshebitintomyhand,herspeedincreasedandsheseemedtobecomealittlemoredaring.With
muffledgroansbellowingintomyhand,shebouncedupanddownonmycockasshecontinuedtostretchherasscheeksapartwithherfingers.
WatchingherfuckmewithsuchforcewasbeyondanylevelofexcitingIcouldrecallfromourpast.MaybeIwanteditmore.Quite
possiblyIwantedhermore.Perhapsitwasnothingmorethanbeinginloveasamaninsteadofbeinginlustasaboy.
Theinsideoftheaterwasn’tbrightbyanymeans,butthemovieprovidedenoughilluminationformetowatchmycockdisappearing
intoherpussy.AsIglancedupandmadenoteofthecowboyandablondegirlhavingalakesidepicnic,Samgroanedintothepalmofmyhand.Tospicethingsupalittle,andtoforceSamtoexercisealittleself-control,Imovedmyhandfromhermouthandtwistedherhairin
myhand.
Ipulledherhairtightly,forcingherheadtothesideofmine.Withherbacknowagainstmychestandherearbesidemylips,Iturnedmyheadtothesideandpressedmymouthagainstherear.
“Slowdown,little
girl.You’regoingtogetusthrownoutofhere,”Iwhispered.
Shecontinuedtobounceupanddownonmycocklikewewerefilmingapornomovieandthiswasgoingtobetheclimacticending.Herveryaudiblebreathingwasanimal-likeand
increasinginvolumewitheachstroke.
“Lose…”
“Yoursense…”
“Ofadventure…”shebreathed
Ipressedmymouthfirmagainstherearandexhaled,“Youlittlesmartass.”
Ipulledherhairrearwardandraisedmybuttfromtheseat.Inperfecttimingagainstthepredictablerhythmofthemovementofherass,IforcedmyselfintoherasdeepasIwasable.Almoststandinginmyseat,Ipressedthefrontofherthighsintothebackoftheseatin
frontofus,grabbedmybelt,andpushedthewaistofmyjeanstomid-thigh.
Nowfuckingherasiftoproveapoint,shewasgruntingeachtimemycockbottomedoutinsideofher.Asshereleasedthecheeksofherassandgrippedthebacksofthetwoseatsdirectlyin
frontofusinherhands,IpoundedmyselfintoherlikeIwasinsomekindofgrudgefuckingcontest.
“Yousmartmouthedlittlebitch,”Ibreathed.
“Youneedtorememberwho’sfuckingboss,”IsighedasIpulledupwardonherhair.
Thesoundofmyhipsslappingupagainstherbareassechoedoverthesoundofthequietconversationthecouplewashavingonthescreen.Apersoninfrontofusturnedaroundandimmediatelyturnedbacktowardthescreenafterseeingwhatwasgoingon.Withina
fewseconds,severalpeopleturnedaround.Thethoughtofthemseeingus,evenforasplit-second,fueledmetocontinuetofuckherwithoutmercy.
Ifeltmycockbegintoswellandrealizedmybreathingwasnotonlylabored,butquiteloud.The
theatrewasfilledwiththesoundofsex.MyhipsagainstSam’sass,hergroaningfrommepullingherhair,andhergruntswitheachinstrokewereenoughtomakeeventhemorefocusedmoviegoersunderstandfullywhatweweredoingintherearofthetheater.AsIfeltmyscrotum
begintotingle,IrealizedIwasonthevergeofclimax.
IreleasedSam’shairandgrippedherneckinmyhand.AsIsqueezedherneckwithmyfingertipsandpulledherbodybackwardagainstmine,herpussybegantocontractaroundtheshaftofmythrobbingcock.Inperfect
timing,Iexplodedintoherwetpussyasshegroanedinpleasureintothenotsovacanttheater.
IarchedmybackandbitmylipasIcontinuedtoenjoywhatseemedtobeaneverendingorgasm.
“OhdearGod…”shemoanedasherkneesbuckled.
Iexhaled,openedmyeyes,andgazeddownintothetheater.MorethanhalfofthepeopleinthetheaterwerefocusedonSamandI.
Afterafewsecondsofstandingmotionlessandregainingmysenses,Ireleasedherneck,slidmyhanduptohercheek,and
turnedherheadtotheside.Averylongpassionatekissandasolidheartfelthuglater,andIcollapsedintotheseat,exhaustedfromtheexcitementofoursexualescapade.
“Takeoffyourbootandgivemeyoursock,”Samwhisperedoverhershoulder.
Iturnedtothesideandscrunchedmybrow,“What?”
“I’vegotaboutaquartofyourcumtryingtofalloutofmypussy,Superman.Ineedsomething.Givemeasocktomopthisupwith,”shesighed.
Ireacheddown,
pulledupmyjeans,andunlacedmyshoes.Afterremovingthemboth,Ihandedhermysocks.Thethoughtofhavingononlyonedidn’tseemtoappealing.
Shestareddownintoherhandandchuckled.
“Youwearno-shows?”shesaidwitha
laugh.
“Huh?”Iresponded.
“No-shows.Littlebootiesocks.Youwearthese?”sheasked.
“WhenI’mwearingshoes,yeah,”Inodded.
“Ifuckingloveyou,”shesighedasshereachedbetweenherlegs.
“Loveyoutoo,Sam,”IgrinnedasIreacheddownandpulledonmyshoes.
Afterwhatseemedtobeamatterofminutes,themovieended.Fullyunderstandingithadbeenmuchlongerthanthefewminutesitseemedtobe,IrealizedIhadwatchedthe
remainingportionofthemovieinadaze,daydreamingaboutmyfuturewithSam.She,ontheotherhand,satquietlyandenjoyedtheromanticmovie.Asthecreditsrolledacrossthescreen,Iheldmyhandinfrontofherchest,andcautionedherfrom
immediatelystanding.
“Let’swaitaminute,”Ichuckled.
“Right,”shegrinned.
Afterseveralminutes,thetheateremptied,shortofthelongrowofpeoplestillseatedinthefront.Realizingforsomereasontheyhadnointentionofleavingthe
theatre,Istoodfrommyseat,heldSam’shand,andbegantowalktowardthesteps.Aswewalkeddownthesteps,afewofthepeopleturnedaround.Asthetheaterwaswell-lightednowthatthemoviewasover,Icouldclearlyseethegroupwasacombinationofcollegeaged
couples,withoutadoubtoutofschoolforthesummer.Aswepassedthegroupandturnedtowardtheaisleleadingtotheexit,thesoundofapersonclappingcausedmetopauseandturnaround.
Afterafewclaps,anotherjoined.Withinafewseconds,theentiregroup
stood,facedus,andcontinuedclapping.Halfembarrassed,andhalfproud,Istoodandstaredblanklyatthegroupandsmiled.
Samreleasedmyhand,situatedonearminfrontofherandtheotherbehind,andperformedaverywellexecutedbow.After
standing,shereachedformyhandandglancedupatme.
“Neitheroneofushaveatremendousamountofsense,youknowthat,right?’shechuckled.
“Wellaware,”IsaidasIturnedtowardthedoor.
Andalmostmorethananythingelse,thatwaswhatI
hadalwayslovedaboutSam.Now,morethanever,Iwasabletobemyselfaroundher,whichwassomethingIhadn’treallydonesincesheleft.Aswequietlywalkedtowardthedoorhand-in-hand,IrealizedthepersonIwasbecomingwasthepersonIhadalwaysbeen,butthatIhadnooneto
sharebeingmyselfwith.
Samcausedmetoactwithoutinhibitionorconcern.Anxioustoseejustwhoitwasthatresidedbeneathmyexteriorshell,Ireleasedherhand,turnedtofaceher,andpressedheragainstthewall.
Ikissedherpassionately,asmyhands
fumbledalongherbody,exploringeveryinchofheraswecontinuedtokiss.Eventually,Iraisedmyhandsandclearedherhairawayfromherfaceandourlipsparted.AsIstaredintoherbeautifulbrowneyes,incapableofspeakingexactlywhatIwasthinking,oneof
thecouplesofcollegekidswalkedpast.
“Getaroom,”helaughedoverhisshoulderashewalkedthroughthedoor.
“Wedon’tfuckinrooms!”Samshoutedback.
Ishookmyheadandgrinned,“Doyouthinkthere’ssomethingwrongwith
us?”
“No,”shesnappedback,“It’severyoneelsewho’slosingout.Fuckingprudes.”
Aswewalkedtowardthedoor,Samreachingintoherpurse,pulledoutmywaddedsocks,andtossedthemintothetrashcan.
“IwanttoseeAxton,”shesaidaswewalkeddownthehallway.
Inoddedmyhead,“Iwasthinkingthesamething.Andthere’safewothersIwantyoutomeet.Afewofthegirls.Axton’sOl’LadyandToad’sOl’Lady.”
“AmIyourOl’Lady,
Otis?IsthatwhatIam?”shegrinned.
“YouGoddamnedsureare,”Iresponded.
Asstrangeasitseemedtosay,andasmuchasshemaynotunderstandthesincerityandseriousnessofthelabel,SamwasnoneotherthanOtis’Ol’Lady.
AndnowitwastimeImadeherpartofmyfamily.
SAMAcceptingawomanasafriendwassomethingIneverdidwithouttremendousresistance.Theircompetitive
nature,cattyattitudes,andunstableemotionsmademereluctanttoinviteoneintomylifeasatruefriend.OvertheyearsIhaddevelopedseveralfriendshipswithwomen,butoddlyenough,Ineverreallyconsideredthemtobetruefriends.Openingupandbeingmearoundthemnever
happened,anditseemedthepersonIoftenchosetobeintheirpresencewasasmallportionofwhoIreallywas.
Anabbreviatedversion.
Somethingseemeddifferentaboutthetwogirlsinfrontofme.
Muchdifferent.
“No,Iworkatanattorney’sofficeasapara.Herbrother’sJack,youmethimatthebartheotherday,he’stheonewho’sallbuffandcoveredinprisontats.I’mtheonewhowrotetheappealandgothimanewtrial.I’mAxton’sOl’Lady,she’sToad’s,yougotus
mixedup,”thegirlwiththedarkerhairsaidinonebreathlesssentence.
Shetalkedahundredmilesanhour,andwasdifficulttofollow,butshehadagreatoutgoingpersonality.
“Sydney?Syd?”IsaidasIpointedtowardthemore
reservedblonde.
Sheraisedherhandintheairandnoddedherhead,“That’sme.I’mJack’ssister.”
“AndI’mAvery.She’sSyd,andI’mAvery.Justremember,Sydney,shittyhaircut.Avery,awesomebitch.It’seasythatway,”
Averychuckled.
SydneyglancedinAvery’sdirectionandrolledhereyes.
“Shittyhair’sright,butyou’refarfromanawesome,bitch,”shelaughed.
Averyshruggedhershouldersasshepuckeredher
lipsandkissedtheair.
Inoddedmyheadandgrinned,“Hair,awesome.Gotit.”
“Andyou’reengaged?ToToad?ThecuteItalianguy?”IaskedasIturnedtowardSydney.
“Yep.That’sme?”shesmiledasshereachedfor
herglassoftea.
“Okay,well.Let’sgettoknoweachother.Where’dyouguysmeet?”Iasked.
“You’lllovethis,”Averyblurted.
“Youreallywanttoknow?”Sydneyasked.
“Sure,”Iresponded,“Whynot?”
Sheshookherheadandpushedherglassofteatothecenterofthetable.
“Well,”sheinhaledadeepbreath,helditforamoment,andexhaled.
“Itwasatabankrobbery.Iguessit’skindofcommonknowledgenow,soI’lltellyoutherealstory.I
washomelessatthetime,andIhadusedthisguythenightbeforeforashower,andnoIdidn’tfuckhim,”shepausedassheraisedhereyebrowscomically.
“Youwerehomeless?”Iasked,shockedatthestatement.
Shenoddedherhead,
“Homeless,jobless,penniless,yep.Alloftheabove.”
“Oh.Wow,”IrespondedasIreachedformydrink.
Thethoughtofsuchagorgeouswomanwhoalsoseemedtobesowellputtogetherbeinghomelesswas
almostunbelievabletome.AsIattemptedtowrapmymindaroundthecomplicationsofbeinghomeless,shecontinuedtotellherstory.
“Okay,soIwentintothebankwiththisguywhilehewastakingmebacktomycar,thinkinghe’sgoingto
depositmoneyormakeawithdrawalorwhatever,andthefuckerpullsoutagunandstartsrobbingthebank.Noshit.I’mstandingthereconfused,scared,andwonderinghowlongofaprisonsentenceI’mgoingtogetwhentheycatchus,andthisguywhoI’dwatched
walkintothebankinfrontofusleansoverandsaysstandbythedoor,Idon’twantyoutogethurt,”shepausedandraisedhereyebrows.
Okay,thisisexcitingstuff.
“Toad?”Iasked.
Shenoddedherhead,“AndheasksmeifIwanta
wayoutofthisdeal.OfcourseIsayyes.Soanyway,thenumbskullI’mwithwalksuptoCambio-that’shisrealnamebytheway-andheaskshimforhisdepositbag.Toadshrugshisshoulderandactslikehe’sscared,andtheguypointsthegunrightathisface.”
Shepausedandpointedherfingeratmyface.
“Holycrap,”IsighedasIdrainedmydrink.
“Notreally.CambiopulledsomeMarinejudoshitandsnatchesthegunfromtheguy’shand,kickshiminthechest,andknockshimonthefloorinlikeonehalfa
second.Thedumbfucker’sonhisbackonthefloornow,andCambio’sgottheguninhisface,”sheshookherheadandgrinned.
“Wow.That’skindofsexy.Sowhatdidthecopssaywhentheygotthere?”Iasked.
Sheshruggedher
shoulders,“Idon’tknowreally,Ileftrightafterthat.”
Ishookmyheadandstaredblankly,causinghertoexplainfurther.
“Whilehehadthegunontherobber,heturnedtomeandsaidgotellthebigfuckeroutsidethatthedevillooksafterhisownandtellhimto
takeyoutoBiscuit’shouse.Hell,IwasscaredtodeathandItookoffrunning.Ihadnoideawhotheseguyswere,butitjustseemedrightatthetime.Beingaroundbikersmyentirelife,Ifiguredtheyweregoodsoliddudes,soIranintotheparkinglotlikeIwasleavingaburningbuilding,
andranuptoOtisandsaiddevillooksafterhisown,”sheshruggedasshereachedforhertea.
Iwidenedmyeyesandswallowedheavily,“OhdearGod.TheguyinthelotwasOtis?MyOtis?”
“Theoneandonly,yesma’am.Hedidn’taskany
questions,justgrinnedandfireduphisbike.TheonlythingIrememberishimsayingyoubetterholdonrightbeforehegunneditandshotoutofthelot,”shesaidassheloweredherglasstothetableagain.
“Devillooksafterhisown?”IsaidasIshookmy
head,“huh…”
IturnedtowardAveryandgazedpastherasItriedtothinkofbeingapartofabankrobberyinthefirstplace.
Averynoddedandtiltedherheadtothesideplayfully,“Clubmotto.”
“Isee,”Isighed.
“So,thecopsshowedup,thenewsinterviewedCambio,andtherestishistory,”sheshrugged.
“Wow,”IsaidasIliftedmyglassandstaredintoit.
Empty.
Averyturnedtowardthebar,raisedherhand,and
wavedatthewaitress.
“WentalotbetterthanthenexttimeaguypulledagunonToad,that’sforsure.Nowthatwasscary,”Averysaidassheturnedaround.
IwidenedmyeyesandglancedatSydney,“Therewasanothertime?”
“GuyinTexas,”shenoddedasshetookadrinkoftea.
“Shothiminthechest.Collapsedlung,coma,damnedneardied,”shesaidflatly.
WhatthefuckhaveIgotmyselfinto?
“Let’shearit,”I
sighedasIpickedupmyglassagain.
“Getheranother,makeitadouble,”Averychuckledasthewaitresswalkedtoherside.
“Itwasadouble,”Ilaughed.
Averyraisedhereyebrows,“Triple?”
“Hell,whynot,”IsighedasIturnedtowardSydney.
Shetossedherhairoverhershoulderandbegantalkingasifitwasjustanotherday.
“Okay,theyallrodedowntoTexas,Biscuit,Cambio,Slice,andOtis.They
hadameetingdownthere.Whenthemeetingended,aguywalkedoutofthebuildingwhoCambiorecognizedasoneofhisformerMarinefriendshehadn’tseenforyears.He’dactuallylivedhisentirelife,postwar,thinkingthisguywasdead.Afteralittle
reunionintheparkinglotofsorts,acarpulledupalongsidethegroup,andthedriverpulledoutagun,threateningCambio’sMarinefriend.And,CambiobeingCambio,hejumpedinfrontofthebarreljustbeforetheguypulledthetrigger,savingthelifeofhisfriend.Hetook
thebulletinthechest.Itcollapsedhislungandbrokehiscollarbone,buthe’sfinenow.Well,prettymuchanyway.”
“OhdearGod.Whendidallthishappen?”Iaskedasthewaitresshandedmemydrink.
“Uhhm.Let’ssee.The
bankrobberywasaboutfourmonthsorsoago.Giveortake.TheTexasdeal,maybetwomonthsago,”sheshrugged.
“Allofthat,inthelastfourmonths?”IgaspedasIraisedmyglasstomylipsanddrankhalfthedrinkinonegulp.
Shenoddedherhead,“Yep.”
IglancedatAvery.
Shegrinnedandshruggedhershoulders.
IturnedtowardSydneyandstaredforalongmoment.
“Sothehomelessthing,whathappenedthere?”
Iasked.
“Oh,rightaftertherobberyCambiogavemeahousetolivein.Itwasoneofhisrentalhouses.Andhegavemeajobathisbarbequerestaurantasawaitress,whichIlovebytheway.Then,wegotengaged,Imovedintohishouse,and
nowwelivetogether,”sheresponded.
“Wow,”IsaidasIdrankmyremainingvodkacranberry.
IturnedtowardAveryandsighed.
“AndyouandAxton?How’dthatcomeaboutifyoudon’tmindmeasking?”I
asked.
“Don’tmindatall.WemetatthebarIwasworkingat.Iwasstillinschool,asenior.Ihitonhim,andhitonhim,tryingtogethimtolikeme,butitdidn’twork.Wewerejusthangingouteverynowandagain,butnosexoranything.You
know,justmeridingonhisbikeandstuff.Onenightafewmonthslater,wewereatapartyattheclubhouse,andsomedoofusstartedhittingonme.Axtonjustlostit.Hebeattheguyhalftodeath,tossedhiminthestreet,andtoldmetogetonhisbike.Igoton,andtherestis
history,”sheblurted.
IglancedatSydney,staredblanklyforamoment,andturnedtofaceAvery.
“Beattheguyhalftodeath?”Iasked.
“Yeah,itwasprettybad,”shesighed.
“Coupleofshootingsandabeatinginthecourseof
afewmonths?”IaskedasIreachedformyglass.
Thetwogirlsturnedtofaceeachotherandstartedlaughing.Astheyeachturnedtofaceme,theynoddedtheirheadsatthesametime.
“Yeah,that’saboutit,”Sydneylaughed,“Iwouldn’ttradeorchange
Cambiofortheworld.”
“Meneither,”Averyshrugged,“Axton’sasgoodasgold.”
AsIstaredatmyglass,wishingitwasaquintuple,thewaitresspassed.Asshenoticedmegazingintotheemptyglass,shepointedatmeandraised
hereyebrows.InoddedmyheadasIraisedmyglassintheair.Sheraisedherhandandextendedtwofingers.Ishookmyhead.Sheraisedthree.Inodded.Sheturnedtowardthebarandwalkedaway.
“That’sagoodwaitress,”IsaidasIturned
towardthegirls.
“Kat?”Averysaid,“She’sthebest.”
“Youknowher?”Iasked.
Shenoddedherhead,“Shewenttoschoolwithmeandplayedvolleyball.She’sayearyoungerthanme.Shegraduatesthisyear.”
Inoddedmyhead.
“She’sfuckingBiscuit,”shechuckled.
“Bigguywiththebeard?”Inodded.
“That’sBiscuit,”shesighed.
Asthewaitressplacedthedrinkonthetable,Averystareddownatitandlaughed.
“You’regoingtobeamesshereprettyquick,Sam.That’swhat,eightshotsinhalfanhour?”sheasked.
Shewasrightforthemostpart,butIwasalreadyalittlemorethanhalfdrunk.Generallyspeaking,mylimitwasonedrink,knowingifIhadtwo,I’dbedrunk.Having
hadadouble,andatriple,andnowhavinganothertriple,itwouldstandtoreasonwithamatterofminutesI’dneedsomeonetotakemehomeinashoppingcart.Ifeltanalmostnecessitytotellsomekindofastorytocompetewithwhattheyhadshared,butIhadverylittletooffer.I
glanceddownatthedrink,shiftedmygazetomeetAvery’s,andshruggedmyshouldersasmymouthcurledintoasmile.
“Hell,Iwalkedhere.I’veonlygottostumbleabouttwohundredfeettogethome.It’sbeenalongday.OtisandIwenttoamovieandhe
fuckedmehalfsenselessinthetheatre,whichwasfabulousbytheway.NowI’mjustunwindingandtryingdesperatelytobesocial.Inormallyhategirlsbecausethey’resocompetitiveandcatty,butyoutwoarefun,”IsaidasIreachedformydrink.
“Youhadsexinthetheater?Whichone,thatrattyoneoneastKellogg?”Averylaughed.
Ishookmyhead,“No,theWarrenTheater.Thereallyniceonerightupthestreethere.”
“YoufuckedintheWarren?”shegasped.
“Suredid,”IsaidasItookasipofmydrink.
“Holyshit,”Averygasped.
“Likefucked?Fuckedaround,orfucked?”sheaskedassheleanedintothetable.
Itookanothershortsipofmydrinkandgrinned,
“Well,Igotdownonmykneesinfrontofhimwhilethemoviewasstartingandsuckedhiscockfirst.ThenIgotupandrodehimreversecowgirluntilIcamealloverhiscock.Itwasawesome.Oh,andwegotastandingovationonthewayout.Nojoke,theentirefrontrow
stoodupandclappedasweleft.”
Averyraisedherhandintheairandturnedherpalmtofaceme.Iraisedmyhandintheairandslappeditagainsthers.Assheshookherheadfromside-to-side,Sydneyraisedherhand.Islappedmineagainsthersand
noddedmyhead.
“TotheSinners,”Sydneysaidassheraisedherglassoftea,“Neveradullmoment.”
“TotheSinners,”Averysaidassheraisedherglass.
Iglanceddownatmyglass.Withblurredvisionand
anunsteadyhand,Ipickeditupandsomehowraisedittothetoast.Asourglassesclankedtogether,Iburped,sloshedhalfmydrinkontothetable,andsaidmyowntoast.
“TotheSinners,andtobeingstuffedfullofsomuchdickthatithurtstosit
down,”Igiggled,“andtogettingstandingovations,andcleaningupthequartofcumwithOtis’no-shows.”
“Otiswearsno-shows,”Averylaughed.
“Hesuredoes,andgather‘round,ladies.I’vegotafewstoriestotellyouaboutOtis,”IsaidasIraisedmy
glasstomylips.
Yeah,Ithinkwe’regoingtogetalongjustfine,ladies.
Iclankedmyglassontothetable,satbackinmyseat,andbegantotellthestoryofthenightOtisducttapedmenakedtoatreewhilewearingakilt.
NotbecauseIfeltaneedtobecompetitive,butbecauseIwantedtomakesuretheyknewIwasoneofthem.
Anequal.
TheOl’LadyofaSinner.
OTISIfthelifeofaSinnerhadtaughtmenothingelse,ittaughtmetoalwayskeepmyguardup,regardlessofthe
companyIwaskeepingortheeventssurroundingme.Whenlifeseemedtoogoodtobetrue,itwasalwaystimetoglanceovermyshouldersandmakesureofwhoorwhatwasbehindme.Itwasn’tthatIbelievedlifewouldn’toffermewhatwasgood,itwasmoremybeliefthatthelaws
ofaveragewouldalwaysmakesuretokeepmeincheckbytossingmeashitsandwichfromtimetotime.
Thethingaboutashitsandwichisthis.
Assoonasyoubiteintoit,youknowonethingforabsolutecertain.
Youjustbitintoashit
sandwich.
“Sobothofyouwanttogointherewithme?”Jackaskednervously.
“Ifyoureallythinkweneedto,”Toadshrugged.
“SameasgoingtotalktothecopsinthejointfarasI’mconcerned.Younevergoalonetotalktotheman.
Alwaysgoinpairs,thatwaynobodycanstartthehesaidshesaidshit.Ijustwantwitnesses,”Jacksaidashepeeredintotheshop.
“Sure,we’llgo,”IsaidasIsteppedpasthim,“Comeon.”
Wewalkedtotheofficedoortogether,andafter
makingsuretheywereatmyside,Iknockedonitsharply.
Axton,obviouslyrecognizingmyknock,respondedthroughthecloseddoor,“Otis?Comeonin.”
Ipulledthedooropenslightlyandpeekedinside,“It’sthethreeofus,Slice.ToadandJackarewithme,
gotaminute?”
“Always,asfarasyouthreefuckersareconcerned.Comeonin,”herespondedasheclosedthebookinfrontofhim.
“Comeon,”IsaidasIwavedmyarmtowardthetwomen.
Ipulledachairfrom
thetableandsatdown,andToaddidthesame.Jackbegantonervouslypacebackandforthacrossthefloor,staringdownathisbootsashewalked.
“Youalright,BigJack?”AxtonaskedashiseyesfollowedJack’ssteps.
“Befineboss.Just
thinking,”hesaidasheglancedup.
Afterwalkingbackandforthafewmoretimes,hestopped,pulledoutachairatthecornerofthetable,andsatdown.
“Permissiontospeakcandidly,”Jacksighed.
Axtonglancedatme,
shiftedhiseyestowardToad,andeventuallyfixedhiseyesonJack.
“Whatthefuck’sgoingon?”Axtonaskedashestoodfromhisseatandcrossedhisarms.
Immediately,Jackstoodfromhisseat.
“Sitdown,”Axton
snapped,“Whatthefuck’sgoingonhere?”
Jacksatdown,glanceddownathisbootsforamoment,andsighed.
“Sure,whatever.Speakfreely,”Axtonhuffed.
“Thinkwe’vegotacopintheclub,boss?”Jacksaidasheglancedup.
Whatthefuck?
“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?”Axtonbellowed.
ToadimmediatelystoodandturnedtowardJack.
“Sitthefuckdown,Toad,”Axtondemandedasheuncrossedhisarms.
“Thereain’tacop
patchedininthisMC,Icanguaranteeyouthatmuch.Nowwhatbroughtyouinhere?Whathappened?”Axtonbarked.
Jackstoodfromhisseat,“Sorry,boss.Igottostand.Hearmeout,okay?”
Axtonnoddedhishead,“Fuckit,Iguessyou
canwalk.AndI’mlistening.”
AsJackpacedthefloor,hebegantospeak,“Well,whenIwasinthejoint,wehadcopsthattookustotheholeintheelevatorwhenwegotawriteup.Theyhadthisspecialkey,itlookslikeoneofthemroundkeysforasodamachine,butit’s
abouthalfinchlonger.Elevatorrepairmenhave‘emtoo,butthat’saboutit.Itletsyoustickthekeyintheelevator,turnonanoverride,andmakeitgototherooforthebasementorwhatever.NowwhenIwasincourtthefirsttime,andthesecondtimeforthatmatter,Isawthe
samething.TheUSMarshallandtheATFfellasthattookmetocourtinthebeginning,andagaintheotherday,theybothhad‘em.Theyhadtoput‘emintheelevatortogetdowntothebasementtotheircars.”
Axtoncrossedhisarmsinfrontofhischestand
inhaledalongslowbreathashewaitedforJacktocontinue.
“There’sonlyacoupleofelevatormanufacturers,DoverandOtis.Mostofthekeyssayoneofthosetwonameson‘em.KindoflookslikeaHarleykeytoo,nowthatI
thinkofit,”hesaid.
“Goddamnit,BigJack,gettothepoint,”Axtongrowled.
Jackstoppedpacing,turnedtofaceAxton,andcrossedhisarms,“ThatfellatheycallGunner,boss.He’sgotoneofthemkeysonhiskeyring.ItsaysDoveronit
forsure,Ilookedatit.Andunlesshe’srepairingelevatorsontheside,he’sprobablyafedoraprisonguard.”
“Ifuckingknewit.Phonyasspieceoflyingshit.Motherfuckersayshewasintheshit,Inevertrustedhisphonyass,”Toadblurtedas
hestoodfromhisseat.
“Goddamnsonofamotherfuckingbitch,”Axtonsaidasheturnedtowardthecabinetsonthewall.
“Hell,he’sbeenhereforyears,hecan’tbeacop.Whovouchedhimintheclub?”AxtonaskedashereachedfortheMembers
book.
“Don’tneedthebook,Slice.Icantellyouwhovouchedhimin,”Isighed.
“Who?”Axtonaskedasheturnedaround.
Simultaneously,ToadandIresponded,“Hollywood.”
“Fuck!”Axton
shoutedashekickedthetablewiththetoeofhisboot,almostknockingitoverentirely.
HeglaredatToadforalongmoment,andthenfixedhiseyesonme.Isatsilently,andattemptedtothinkofwhyGunnerwouldneedanelevatorkey.AsI
drewanabsoluteblank,Axtonkickedthetableagain.
“Fuck!Fuck!Fuck!”hescreamedasheturnedtowardthedoor.
“Who’sthatcocksuckerrunwith?”heasked.
Ishruggedmyshoulders.AxtonturnedtofaceToad.
“Ranwith‘Wood.Well,till‘Woodcommittedsuicide,”Toadsighed.
“Fuck!”Axtonyelledashekickedthetableagain.
“YouGoddamnedonefuckinghundredpercentsurehe’sgotanelevatoroverridekey?Onefuckinghundred,notninety-nine.You
sure?”AxtonaskedasheturnedtowardJack.
“Wouldn’tbehereifIwasn’tboss.Hundredpercent,”Jacknodded.
“Fuck!”Axtonshouted.
InanattempttosettleAxtondown,Istoodfrommyseat.
“Let’stalkaboutthis,whatarewegoingtodo?”Iasked.
“Torturehisass,gethimtoadmitit,andkillthefucker.Prettysimpleshit,”Axtonshrugged.
“I’lldoit,”Toadsaidashestood.
Axtonshookhishead,
“I’llfuckingdoit.”
“Holdup,boss,”Jacksaidasheraisedhishandintheair.
“Youkillthisfuckernoworyouevenkillhimlater,fed’swillbeonthisclublikeshitonashoe.Whoeversenthimknowshe’shere.Hecomesup
missingorturnsupdead,we’refucked,”Jackexplained.
AxtonturnedtowardJackandshookhisheadfromside-to-sideandsighed.
“Well,whatthefuckdoyousuggest?”hegrowled.
Thethoughtofacopbeinginthegroupwas
unthinkabletome.Gunnerbeingthecopwasmuchmorebelievablethananyoneelse,heseemedtoalwaysbearound,butinthesamerespect,hewasn’taroundwhenheneededtobe.AsIsatandthoughtaboutit,hedidseemtoaskahellofalotofquestions.Hedamnedsure
didn’tlooklikeatypicalcop,butafterseeingwhattheATFagentlookedlikeincourt,hedamnedsurecouldbeanATFagent.
DoinglifeinprisonundertheRICOactdidn’tappealtomeatall.
“Isaywekilltheprick,”IsaidasIlookedup.
Jackshookhishead,“It’llbringtheheatinheresoGoddamnedquick,it’llmakeyourheadsspin.”
“What’stheanswer?”Axtonasked.
“Well,he’sgonnabewearingawire,youcanbetonthat.Soweneedtogethimwherewecantalktohim
andthewireain’tanygood.Won’tbeeasy,himbeingacopandall,butwe’llhavetodoit.Anybodygotaswimmingpool?”Jackasked.
“Awhat?Afuckingswimmingpool?”Axtonhuffed.
Jacknoddedhishead,“Yeahapool.Makehisass
getinthepool.Waterwillruinthewire.OnlywayIknowforsure,otherthanstrippinghimdown,andthenyoustilldon’tknow.Fuckingthingscanbeintheirhair,ears,hellsomeofthefellasinthejointsaidtheyevenhad‘emsewnintotheirclothes.Soifyoumakehimstrip,and
hetosseshisclothesinapilebesidehim,hecanstillbelistening,”Jacksaidasheraisedhishandtohisear.
“Biscuit’sgotapool,”Isaid.
“Suredoes,”Axtonagreed.
“Fuck.Alright.I’llgetwithBiscuit.We’llneedto
gethimovertherewithoutmakinghimnervous.Howintheabsolutefuckarewegoingtodothat?”Axtonshrugged.
“HaveBiscuittellhimwe’vegotsomepussyoverthere?”Jackshrugged,“Butdon’ttellhimthere’sapool,fed’shatebeingaroundpools.
He’llknowwhat’supforsureandhe’llcallinthetroops.”
“Andwewon’tsayanythingoutloud.Iknowthatmuch,”Axtonsaidashepulledhisnotepadoutandshookit.
“I’llwriteeverythingdownandmakehimdothesame.Sonofafuckingbitch,
Ihopeyou’rewrong,”Axtonsaidashetossedhispadonthetable.
“Youfellasgooutintheshopandactlikenothinghappened.Isthefuckerouttherenow?”Axtonasked.
Inoddedmyhead.
Axtonswunghislegupandkickedthetablehard
enoughtoliftitfromthefloorthreefeet.
“Fuck!”heyelled.
“Biscuit?”heasked.
“Nope,thinkhe’sfuckingthegirlfromthebar,”Iresponded.
“Alright,I’llcallhim.Stayoutintheshop,andjustfollowmylead.I’llbeoutin
aminute,”Axtonsaid.
Aswewalkedtothedoor,Axtonclearedhisthroat,“BigJack?”
“Yeahboss,”JacksaidasheturnedtofaceAxton.
“Cutlooksgood.Andaboutthis…”Axtonsighedandshookhisheadashe
gazeddownatthefloor.
AsAxtonglancedup,hecontinued,“Goodlookin’out,Jack.Goodlookin’out.”
Jacknoddedhishead,“Justdoin’myjob,boss.”
Anounceofdevotionismorepowerfulthanalifetimeofknowledgeoraheartfilledwithfaith.
Devotionhastheabilitytomakeeventheweakestmendevelopstrength,andthefear-filledbecomebrave.
Jackwasdevotedtotheclub,therewasnodoubtinmymind.
Iwasdevotedtotheclub,andtothewomanIloved,Sam.IfJackwas
correct,andGunnerwasacop,hethreatenedtotakethetwothingsfrommeIwasdevotedtoandtrulyloved.
AndinnowaywasIgoingtoletthathappen.
Notwithoutonehellofafight.
SAMIsatontheporchwithmyheadinmyhandsandcried.Ihadneverreallycriedmuchasachildoranadult,butI
seemedtobemakingupforitnow.Thelossofmyfatheraspre-teenwasdifficult,butIsomehowacceptedit.Thelossofmymother,althoughuntimelyandbyaveryoddseriesofcircumstances,hadalsobeenaccepted.Thelossofherbelovedcat,however,wasthestrawthatbrokethe
camel’sback.
InmyexcitementtoseeOtis’car,Ihadleftinahurry,leavingthefrontdooropen.Afterthemovieandmytriptothebar,Istumbledtomyhotelroominadrunkenstupor.Returningtomymother’shousethenextdayrevealedthedoorhadbeen
leftopen,butmythoughtsdidn’timmediatelyincludethecat.OnlyafteranentiredayofworkingwithoutinterruptiondidIrealizethecatwasgone.
Iwipedmyeyesandglancedtomyside.Adishoffood,anotherofwater,andthreesmallstuffedtoyssat
besideme.Igazedoutintothedarkyardandattemptedtoregainmycomposure.Afteramomentofsnivelingandwipingmytiredeyes,Iraisedmycuppedhandtomymouth.
“Taaaaaylor.Kitty,kitty…Taaaaaylor…comeherekitty,”Iblubbered.
Iscannedtheyardforanymovement.
Nothing.AsIloweredmyface
intomyhands,myphonebeeped.Ipickeditupandswipedmyfingeracrossthescreen.AmessagefromAveryrevealedherbestadviceregardingthelossof
mymother’scat.
Istareddownatthescreen.
Avery:Shakeabagofcatfoodandmakeitrattle.Itworkseverytime.
Aftertypingaquickthankyouresponse,Isetmyphoneasideandpickedupthesackofcatfood.Itseemed
ridiculous,butIstoodupandbegantoshakethesackviolently.Afterwhatseemedlikenomorethanafewsecondsofshakingit,Iheardarustlingsoundintheshrubberybesidethehouse,andTaylorjumpedontotheporch.
“Meow…”
Idroppedthesackoffoodontotheporchandreacheddownwithbothhandsandpickedherup.Immediately,shebegantopurr.Iheldherclosetomychest,walkedintothehouse,andclosedthedoor.I’dneveractuallyheldacatbeforeandthereforehadnoexperience
doingso,butsheseemedtolikethewayIwasholdingher.Iwalkedtotheloveseat,satdownandplacedherbesidewhereIwassitting.
Sheimmediatelyjumpedinmylap,walkedinafewcircles,andfloppeddownonherside.Asshelayinmylapcontinuingtopurr,
shegazedupatmewithhergoldeneyesandblinkedafewtimesveryslowly.Withinafewminutes,shewasasleep.Isatonthecouchforsometime,thinkingofmymother,andwhatsatisfactionshemusthavereceivedfromhavingthecatasheronlyhousemate.Therewasno
doubtinmymindmymotherhadlovedthecat,andoutofrespect,IdecidedIneededtodothesame,evenifitproveddifficult.
Carefully,Iliftedthecatfrommylapandsetherasideontheloveseat.Aftercleaningtheporchofherfood,water,andtoys,I
walkedbacktotheloveseatandsatdown.Stillasleepinaball,Taylorappearedtobeunawareoruncaringofthegriefshehadcausedme.Ishookmyhead,grinned,andsentAveryatextmessagelettingherknowIhadfoundthecat.
Tired,relieved,and
slightlybored,IopenedthebrowserofmyphoneandtypedafewwordsintotheGooglesearchwindow.
Whatdoesitmeanwhenacatblinksslowly
Ascreenfullofanswerspoppedup,andIclickedonthefirstoneandreadthearticle.
Slowblinkingbyacat(sortofaneyes-almost-closedlook,almosttrance-like)isagoodsign—onethatsays,“You’remybuddy,andIfeelcomfortablehangingoutwithyou.”
Ifinishedthearticle,tossedthephonetomyside,andshiftedmyeyestoward
thesleepingcat.
Afterafewsecondsofwatchinghersleep,Ireacheddownandranmyhandalongherbody.Herfurwassoft,similartothefauxfurcoatsforsaleinthemallatwintertime.Iranmyhandalongherfuragain,amazedbythesoftnessofit.She
turnedherheadandopenedhereyes.Astheslitsinthecenterincreasedintolargeblackdots,Ismiledatherandblinkedmyeyesafewtimes.
Slowly.
OTISAxtonsatinachaironBiscuit’spatiostaringdownatthetableinfrontofhim.Onthetable-aSigSauer
pistol,Axton’spistol,akeychain,andAxton’snotepad.TheclothesthatGunnerhadbeenwearingwereinBiscuit’sgarage.Althoughwedidn’tfindawire,andGunnersworehewasn’twearingone,wehadfoundenoughevidencetobelieveJackwascorrectinhis
assumption.
ThepistolwefoundinthesaddlebagonGunner’sbikehadmagazinesinitmarked“LawEnforcementOnly”andhiskeychainincludedanelevatoroverridekey.
Afterseveralminutesofawkwardsilence,Axton
pickedupGunner’spistolandwalkedalongtheedgeofthepool.
“DonotsayafuckingworduntilIaskyouto,”AxtonsaidashereachedtheareaofthepoolwhereGunnerwastreadingwater.
“Don’tthinkforonemotherfuckingminutethatI
won’tkillyouandmakeitlooklikeasuicide,youpieceofshit,”Axtonsaidashekneltbesidethepool.
“I’mgoingtoaskyouafewquestions,andbasedonyourresponses,I’llmakeafewdecisionsonwhat’sintheclubsbestinterest,”Axtonsaidasheraisedthepistolin
theair.
“Thisisyours,bytheway.Justtoclearthingsup,”Axtonsaidflatly.
“Irealizecontrarytopopularbeliefyou’renotboundbylawtoanswerthisquestiontruthfully,butI’llaskyouanyway.Areyoulawenforcement?”Axtonasked
withoutsomuchasanounceofemotion.
AsGunnercontinuedtotreadwater,heclosedhiseyesmomentarily,openedthem,andsighed,“Yes.”
Axtonclosedhiseyesandshookhishead,“Fed?”
“ATF,”Gunnerrespondedalmost
breathlessly.
Hehadbeentreadingwaterforatleastthirtyminutes,andwasbreathingprettyheavily.
“Outfuckingstanding.Now,ifyou’reafedwhyareyoutellingmethis?”Axtonaskedasheopenedhiseyes.
“FarasIknow…
there’sonlyoneway…outofthis…anditincludesmewalkingaway…fromhere.Anythingelsehappensandthey’ll…comedownonyou…andtheSinners…likethewrathofGod.Letmeoutofthepool…andwe’lldiscussit,”herespondedinabrokensentence.
“Fuckyou,motherfucker.Shootthisprick,Slice,”BiscuitholleredashereachedoutwiththelongrodandpulledthepoolcleaningnetoverGunnersheadagain.
AsBiscuitpushedGunnerunderthewaterfortheumpteenthtime,Axton
shookhisheadandstood.
“Goddamnit,Biscuit,Idon’tlikeitanymorethanyoudo,butouroptionsarelimited.Lethimup,”Axtongrowledashepushedthepistolintothewaistofhispants.
“Hearwhathe’sgottosay,boss,”Jacksaid.
AxtonglancedtowardBiscuitandsighed,“Lethimup,Biscuit.Hecanswimhisfuckingassovertotheshallowendandstandthere.”
HeshiftedhiseyestowardGunnerandhisfacechangedtooneofdisgust.
“Godownthereandstand,I’mnotlettingyouget
outofthefuckingpool,”Axtonsaidashepointedtotheshallowendofthepool.
AfterBiscuitliftedthenetfromGunner’shead,hestruggledtoswimtotheotherendofthepool.Clearlyexhausted,scared,anduncertainofwhathisfutureheld,Ihopedwhateverhe
plannedontellingAxtonwasenoughtoconvinceallofusofwhathehopedtoconvinceusof.Rightnow,themajorityofthemeninattendancepreferredhimdead.Ashewadedthroughtheshallowwater,Axtonbarkedouthisorder.
“Stoprightthere,
whateveryourfuckingnameis,”Axtonsaidashereachedthethighdeepwater.
AfterAxtonwalkedtotheshallowendofthepoolandcroucheddown,Toad,Jack,BiscuitandIfollowed.UponourreachingtheotherendandstandingbehindAxton,Gunnerbeganto
speak.
“You’vebeenmyfieldassignmentfortwoandalmostonehalfyears.There’snooneelseonthisinvestigation.Isweartoyou.Ihadameetingafewweeksagowiththedirector,andhe’spissedbecauseIclaimedIwasn’treadytotestify
beforeaFederalGrandJury…”
Axtoninterruptedhimashestoodfromhiskneelingposition.InhissignatureI’mnotveryfuckinghappypose,hecrossedhisarmsandflexedhisbiceps.
“Whatinthefuckdoesthishavetodowith
anything?Let’sgetonethingstraight.Idon’tlikecops.You’reacop.IfItookavoterightnow,atleastfourofthesefellaswouldagreetokillyou.Mymathskillsaren’ttoodamnedshabby,andthat’seightyfuckingpercent,excludingyou.Damnedsureamajority,”
Axtonsaid.
“Look,”Gunnersaidasheraisedhishandsintheair.
“Istartedinvestigatingyouonguns.Inthelasttwoyears,youreallyhaven’tdoneanythingcontrarytolaw.Mightbeastretch,butpossiblyselling
gunstoaprohibitedpersonisallIcancomeupwith.Toindictyou,Ineedtotestifyandturninmyreports.Reportscomefirst.IfIdon’t,there’snocase.Period.Endofstory.I’llagreetonottestify,how’sthat?”Gunnerasked.
“You’vegottobe
fuckin’shittin’me,”BiscuitsaidasheswungthetenfootlongpolefromthenetintoGunner’shead.
Whack!Thepoleglanced
downacrosshisbrowandcuthisnose.AsBiscuitraisedthesteelrodoverhishead,obviouslypreparingtosmack
himagain,Toad,Jack,andIallstoodchucklingatBiscuit’sbehavior.Axton,however,wasn’tamused.
“Younogoodson-of-a-fuckin’-cop-bitch,”Biscuithowledasheraisedthepole,“I’lljustbeatyoutodeathiftheywon’tletmeshootyou.”
“Godfuckingdamnit,
Biscuit.Putthepoledown,”Axtonholleredasheraisedhishandsintheair.
“Ain’thappenin’,Slice.Thesefuckin’cops,youcan’ttrust‘em.ProbablygotaSmithandWesson.44Magnumshoveduphisassasabackuppiece.I’mkeepin’thepole,”Biscuitsaidashe
heldthepoleinhishandslikeaLacrossestick.
AxtonshookhisheadashelookeddownatGunner,andeventuallyhebegantolaugh.
“Well,don’thithimwiththefuckeragainunlessItellyouto,”hechuckled.
“Idon’ttrustyouany
furtherthanIcanthrowyourfatass.Don’tthinkIcanagreetothat,”Axtonsighedashekneltdownattheedgeofthepool.
“You’vegottwooptions,”Gunnersighed,“Killme,orletmego.That’sit.”
“Fuckthis
motherfucker,Slice.He’stryin’thatcoppsycho-babblemindgameshitonus,”Biscuitsaidasheraisedthepoleoverhishead.
Axtonraisedhishandintheair,“Putitdown,Goddamnit,Biscuit.”
“Man’sgotapoint,boss,”Jacksighed,“We’ve
gottwooptions.Killhim,orlethimgo.”
Axton,clearlywellbeyondfrustrated,tossedhishandsintheairasifgivingup,“Well,whatthefuckdoyoufourfuckerswanttodo?”
“Killhim,”Biscuitsaid.
“Same.Isaywekill
him,”Toadnodded.
“Wanttokillhimboss,butitisn’ttoopractical.Soonashedoesn’treportin,they’llcometotheclubhouse,”Jackshrugged.
MythoughtsmirroredJack’s.Mykneejerkreactionwastokillhim,butforsomereasonIquestionedmy
naturalthoughtsandconsideredwhatmightbemoresensible,somethingIhadnotalwaysdoneinthepast.Inmattersregardingtheclub,Ialmostimmediatelywentwithmygutfeelinganddealtwiththeconsequenceslater.Istoodquietlythinking,sensingallofthemen’seyes
werefixedonme;waitingonmyresponse.IglancedupatAxton,fullyrealizingitwasSamandmyloveforherthatcausedmyreservationtomurderhim,butknewnottorevealmythoughts.
Whatitisweloveimmediatelybecomessacred,andwe’lldowhateverwe
musttopreserveit.
“Handmethegun,”IsaidflatlyasIextendedmyarm.
“Weneedtotalkaboutthis,myfuckinghead’sspinning,”Axtonshruggedasheshookhishead.
Irolledmyshouldersrearward,flexedmychestand
changedmytonetoaverydemandingone,“Handme…”
“Thefuckinggun,”IsaidasItookasteptowardAxton.
Axton’seyeswidenedashetookasteprearward.
Iturnedtowardthedeependofthepooland
stompedtowardthetablewhereAxtonhadbeensitting.Aftergrabbinghispersonalpistolfromthetable,Islidthesliderearwardandcheckedtoensuretherewasaroundinthechamber.AsItookthefewstepsbacktowardtheshallowendofthepool,allfivemenbegantospeakat
once.
“Shutthefuckup.Everyfuckingoneofyou.Justshutthefuckup,especiallyyou,”IsaidasIpointedthepistolatGunner.
Gunnerstoodapproximatelyfivefeetfromtheendofthepoolinthighdeepwater.Aslongasmy
legswere,reachinghiminonesurprisingstepwouldn’tbedifficultatall.Withoutahintofrevelationofmythoughts,Ileapedintothepoolandbeforehewasabletoreact,grabbedahandfulofhishairinmylefthand.AsIpulledhisheadrearward,Ipressedthebarrelofthepistol
intohiseyesocket.
“Goddamnit,Otis,”Axtonscreamed.
“Shootthemotherfucker!”Biscuithollered.
“Otis!”Axtonyelledagain.
“Shutthefuckup!”Iscreamedovermyshoulder.
IturnedmyheadtofaceGunner,andfixedmyeyesonhisoneavailableeye.AsIspoke,Itwistedthebarrelofthepistolintohiseyesocket,makingthesituationasuncomfortableforhimasIcould.
“Listentome,motherfucker,andlisten
good.I’mnotliketheseotherfourfuckers.I’mthequietoneyouneedtoworryabout.You’vebeenheretwoandahalfyears,soyouknowI’mtheprotectorofthisfuckingMC,regardlessofwhowearstheSAApatch,”Igrowled.
“You’vegotoneopportunitytoanswereach
questionIask.One.Ifyoudon’t,I’llpullthisfuckingtrigger,”IsaidasIpulledthehammerofthepistolrearwarduntilitclickedintoplace.
Axton’spistolwasadoubleactionH&K,anddidn’trequirethatIpullthehammerrearwardtofireit.
Pullingthetriggerwithoutpullingthehammerrearwardrequiredamorelengthypullofthetrigger,andmoreforce.Pullingthetriggerwiththehammercockedrequiredminimaleffort.Somecalledthetriggereffortrequiredinthispositionahairtrigger,becauseallyouhadtodoto
firetheweaponwasmovethetriggerahair,andwithhisATFtraining,Gunnerwouldknowthisifanyonedid.
“Otis!”AxtonscreamedasIcockedthehammer.
“What’syourGodgivenname?”Idemanded.
“Allen.AllenPintler,”
Gunnercoughed.
“Currentplaceofresidence,”Igrunted.
Afternomorethanalongsecondofsilence,Ipushedthepistolintohiseyeandclosedmyeyes.
“Wichita.RighthereinWichita,”hecried.
“Gotawifeand
kids?”Iasked.
“Uhhm.Iuhhm,yeah.Ihaveafamily,”heblubbered.
Good,thenthisshouldbeeasy.
“You’vegotoneoptionandoneoptiononly,andI’mgoingtoexplainittoyou.You’regoingtogetout
ofthispool,dryoff,getdressedinsomeofBiscuit’sclothes,andyouandIaregoingtogotoyourhouseinBiscuit’struck.You’regoingtoprovetomethatit’syourhousebyshowingmeyourfuckingmail,picturesofyouwithyourfuckingwife,andpicturesofyouwithyour
kids.Yourkidsoldenoughtohavelaptops?”Iasked.
“What?Laptops?”hemuttered.
“Easyquestion,motherfucker.Doyourfuckingkidshavelaptops?”Igrowled.
“Yeah,theybothdo,”hesnappedback.
“Alright,again,listencarefully,”IsaidasIchangedmyvoicetoamorecalmtone.
“You’regoingtoallowusaccesstotheirlaptops,andwe’regoingtoputaLoJackonthem,justtomakesureyoudon’ttryandrunanywhere.We’lltrack
yourkid’swhereabouts,andwe’regoingtoputoneonyourbikeandyourpersonalcaraswell.Andwe’lltrackyou.YoueitherrefusetotestifytotheGrandJury,orI’mgoingtokillyourwifeandkids.It’sthatsimple.Thisisn’tathreat,it’sasolemnpromise.IfI’mgoing
tospendlifeinprison,itisn’tgoingtobeonyourterms,it’sgoingtobeonmine,”Ipausedandraisedmyeyebrows,givinghimamomenttoconsiderwhatIhadsaid.
“Youagreetotheseconditions?”IaskedasIpressedthepistolagainsthis
eye.
“Ohfuck.Uhhm,yeah,Iagree.Don’thurtmykids,justdon’thurtmykids,”hebegantoblubber.
“It’salluptoyou,SpecialAgentAllenPintler.It’salluptoyou,”IsaidasIpulledthepistolawayfromhisface,loweredthehammer,
andextendedmyrightarmrearward.
AsIcontinuedtoholdhishairinmyleftfist,someonetookthepistolfrommygrasp.Ireleasedhishairandwalkedtothecornerofthepool.Afterwalkingupthestepsandontothedeck,alleyeswerefixedonme.
“Sorry,Slice.ItwastheonlythingIcouldthinkof,”Ishrugged.
Axtonshookhisheadandgrinned,“LoJack’s?Wherethefuckdidyoucomeupwiththat?”
“Gotoneonmycarandmylaptop,”Ishrugged,“Theyworkgood,youcan
tracktheminrealtimeontheinternet.”
“Getoutofthepool,”AxtongrowledashehandedToadtheagent’sgun.
“Toad’sgoingwithyou.Toad,ifhetriesanything,andImeananything,dowhateverawartornMarinethinksisbest,”
Axtonsaid.
“Gotit,Slice,”Toadresponded.
AgentPintlersurelylovedhischildren,andhewasdoingwhathemusttopreservethatlove,andkeepitsacred.
Andinmanyrespects,Iwassimplydoingthesame.
SAMYetanotherweekandahalfhadpassed,andasmuchasIknewatsomepointintimeIwouldneedtogobacktoSt.
Louis,doingsowasadifferentstory.ToleaveWichita,evenforafewdays,wasunthinkabletome.Leavingmymother’shome,leavingtheonlygirlfriendsIfeltIeverhad,andleavingOtiswasmorethanIwasabletoagreetodo.
AlthoughIbelieved
theywouldallbewaitingformeuponmyreturn,thethoughtofwalkingawayfromtheonesIlovedwasn’tsomethingIwascomfortabledoing.ThelongerIthoughtaboutit,thecleareritbecame-myfearwasthepotentiallossofoneorallofthem.
IhadlosteveryoneI
caredforinmylife;myfather,Otis,andthenmymother.Now,feelingasifIhadreconnectedwithOtis,leavinghim,evenforashortperiodoftime,wastorisklosinghim.
Andlosinghimwasnotanoption.
Ipushedtheboxto
theside,stood,andglancedaroundtheroom.Asmyheadbegantospinfromthethoughtofitall,mystomachbegantoheave.Whatmymotherhadwarnedmeofsincemychildhoodwasactuallyhappening–Ihadclearlyworriedmyselfsick.
Irandownthe
hallwayandreachedthetoiletjustintimetovomit.AsIkneltonthefloor,huggingthecoldporcelaininmyarms,IdecidedifIwasgoingtoleave,rightnowwasn’tthetimetothinkaboutit.MaybeIjustneededtoseeifIcouldconvinceOtistogowithmeandhelpmepack.
Afterthepatchinpartywasover,Icouldseeifhewouldgo.Atthattimehe’dhavenorealreasontostay,atleasttherewasnothingscheduledwiththeclubasfarasIknew.WhenIfinallyfeltlikeIwasdonevomitingupwhatlittlebreakfastIhadeaten,Istood,
washedmyface,brushedmyteeth,andwanderedintothebackbedroom.
Havingafamilyissomewhatofanassurancethattherewillalwaysbepeopleyoucanconfidein,trust,andwillbetherewhenyouneedthemtobe;allbecauseofthebindingloveof
family.Familywillalwaysprovideunconditionallovebecausetheyare,well,family.Itisnotaconsciousdecisionorachoice,itjustis.
Choosingtoloveapersonisdifferent.Atanypointintime,thepersonyouhavechosencanchangetheirmind,fallinlovewith
someoneelse,orbescaredawaybysomeridiculousstatement,exposedbelief,orexpresseddesire.LosingOtisthefirsttimewasproofofalonglovefilledrelationship’sabilitytocrumbleoveranexpresseddesire.Mylongingtohavechildrenwasmorethanlikelyaresultofme
feelinganeedtosecuremyplacewithOtis,buttheexpressionofmythoughtsprovideresultswhichweretheexactopposite.
Inhindsight,Ishouldhaveknown.Otishadalwaysbeenapersonwhoneededtofeelasifhewasfreefromwhatboundmosteveryone
elseonthisearth.Conformingtosociety’sbeliefs,systems,andprocedureswassomethinghewasnevercomfortablewith.Evenasyoungboys,AxtonandOtisthumbedtheirnosesatauthority,society,rules,andregulations.Alittleinternetresearchconfirmed
mysuspicionsofhismotorcycleclubstandingfornothingmorethantheexpressionoffreedom,thereforenothinghadchanged.
Formetoattempttotakehisfreedomfromhimthen,orattempttotakeitnowwouldresultinnothingshort
ofdisaster.OurpinkiepromisewasallIneededtospendalifetimewithOtis,andIcoulddosohappilyknowingIneedednothingelsefromhimtofeelsecure.
AsIgazedblanklyintotheroomIconsideredmypositiononmattersmaynotbecleartoOtis.Iwalkedto
whereIhadbeensittingbefore,pickedupmyphone,anddraftedatextmessagetoclearthingsup.
Iwantyoutoknowthefactyou’reinamotorcycleclubdoesn’tbotherme,
andinfact,I’mhappyyouare.I’llbehere
foryoualways,Sam
Istareddownatthemessage.Afterreadingitseveraltimes,Ibackspacedthroughitanderasedit.Afewtapswithmyverycapablefingers,andIstaredonceagainatthescreen.
YouandAxtonseemrightathomewiththe
motorcycleclub,
andIlikeitthatyouappeartobeatpeacenow
Jesus,Sam.Thatlooksridiculous.
Ibackspaceduntilthemessagewasgone.
Ifumbledwiththephoneforamomentandgazeddownatthescreen.
Iwantyoutoknowsomething
Iloveyouandwillalwayssupportyou
Igrinnedandpressedsend.
Iglancedaroundtheroomatthevariousboxesscatteredonthefloor.Iwouldhavealifetimetoinventory
mymother’shouse,anddoingsonowwasn’tnecessary.Itprovidedmewithasenseofself-worth,andallowedmetofeelIwaspayingatributeofsortstomymotherbydoingso,butitwasn’tnecessary.
“Meow.”
Iturnedtowardthe
door.
Taylorsatintheopening,staringinmydirection.Afterafewsecondstare-off,sheblinkedhereyesslowly.
Ireturnedthegesture.
“IthinkI’mdonefortheday,Taylor.Let’sgolayonthecouchandlistento
music.MaybeI’llseeifthegirlswanttocomeoverandhangoutlater,”IsaidasIwalkedherdirection.
AsIpassedher,Iglancedovermyshoulder.BythetimeIwashalfwaydownthehallway,sheturnedandbeganwalkinginmydirection.Maintainingher
pace,butfollowingtenfeetbehindme,shefollowedmetotheloveseat.Inomorethansatdownandplacedmyphoneatmyside,andshejumpedintomylap,walkedinafewcircles,andfloppeddown.Afewblinksofhereyeslater,andshewasasleep.
AsIsatandstaredather,watchingherbodyexpandandcontractfromherbreathing,itdawnedonmewhymymotherhadthecatasapet.
Thecatofferedherthesamethingitofferedme.Nodifferentlythanfamily,thecatdidn’tquestionher-
ormeforthatmatter.Withoutthoughtandwithoutprejudice,thecatofferedherlove.
Unconditionallove.
AsIstrokedthecat’sfur,myphonebeeped.Beingcautiousnottowakethecat,Ileanedtothesideandpickedupmyphone.
Otis:Loveyou,SamAndI’llalwayssupportyou
HeyMomscookingdinner.Eataround4
Youwanttocome?
Usingmythumb,Ipressedthekeysformyonewordresponseandpressedsend.
Yes
Ihadn’tseenOtis’parentsforfourteenyears.Whenweweretogether,IperceivedhisparentsnodifferentlythanIperceivedmine.Tome,theywereanextensionofmyfamily,andlosingthem,inmanyrespects,wasasdifficultaslosingOtis.Havingthemin
mylifewouldprovidemewithasenseoffamilyIwouldneverbeabletofeelagainintheirabsence.Eagertoseethem,andexcitedforthedinner,IliftedTaylorfrommylap,stood,andwalkedintothekitchenwithher.
Althoughitwasonly
8:30inthemorning,itwasn’ttooearlytotryandmakesomethingtotaketothedinner.HoldingTaylorinmyarm,Iopenedtherefrigeratordoorandgazedinside.
Empty.AfterrealizingI
wasn’tinmyhome,Iclosedtherefrigeratordoor,
frustratedtherewasn’tanythinginittoprepareadesert.Idroppedthecatonthefloor,pulledmyphonefrommypocket,andsentSydneyaquickmessage.
Help?GooddeserttotaketodinneratOtis’parents?
Almostimmediately,
thephonebeeped.Iglancedatthescreen.
Sydney:Bee’sapplepie.Bestintheentireworld.Toolongtotext.
Wantmetocomeover?
IgrinnedasIreadthemessageandpromptlyresponded.
IDKifyouwant
Myphonebeepedinstantly.
Sydney:Textmeyouraddress.Betherein20.ToadandJackaredoingyardwork.
Itypedmyaddressintothephone,andsentittoSydney,beyondgratefulto
haveherhelpwiththedesert.Ididn’tcookmuch,butIwasawoman,andknewhowto.Havingafamilyrecipewouldmaketakingthedesertmuchmoreenjoyablethangettingsomethingfromtheinternet.
Islippedmyphoneintothepocketofmyshortsandglancedaroundtheroom.
AlthoughthehousewasemptyshortofTaylorandme,IfeltasifIwasblessedwithhavingafamilyofsorts.Althoughitwasunconventional,Ifeltitwasafamilynonetheless.
AndmysisterIneverhadwhilegrowingupwascomingovertohelpmemake
apie.
OTIS“Well,itjustseemslikeaweirdchoicetoservetoaguest,Marge.Noteveryonelikesshitlikethis,”myfather
sighedasheglanceddownathisplate.
“Ken,it’snotshit.AndifSamdoesn’tlikeit,shedoesn’thavetoeatit,”mymotherresponded.
Samreacheddownandturnedherplateaquarterofaturnandglancedtowardmymother,“Ilovestuffed
peppers,Mrs.Milner.Itsmellswonderful.”
“What’sthispileofstuff,Marge?”myfatheraskedashepokedhisforkintothepotatoes.
Mymotherlookedupfromherplateandshookherhead,“It’sacasserole.Potatoes,cheese,sourcream,
butter,andcreamofchickensoup.Tasteit,you’lllikeit.”
“GettherecipeoffFacebook?”Myfatheraskedashescoopedupaforkfulofthepotatoes.
“No,notFacebook.IgotitfromPinterest.Sameasthestuffedpepperrecipe.Justeatit,Ken,”mymother
snapped.
IglancedatSam.Herheadswiveledfromside-to-sideasshefollowedmyparent’sconversation,watchingeachofthemintentlyastheyspoke.Asoureyesmet,Ipointedtheendofmyforkatthecountertopwhereherapplepiewas
sitting.
“Samdidn’tgetherapplepierecipefromPinterest,somaybeyou’lllikeit,”Ichuckled.
“Familyrecipe?”mymotheraskedwithoutlookingupfromherplate.
“Sydneygaveittome.It’sherfriend’smother’s
recipe.Wemadeittogetherthisafternoon,”Samgrinned.
“SydneyistheMarine’sfiancéefromthebarbequejoint,ma.Andthebigblackkidthatworksforhimdoingtheyardworkaroundtown,it’shismother’srecipe,”IsaidasIcutintomystuffedpepper.
MymotherlookedupfromherplateandturnedtowardSam,“Shirley.Shewonanawarddownatthefestivalwiththatpie.”
Samnoddedherhead,“That’swhatSydneysaid.”
Myfatherthrusthishandsintheairandshookhishead,“Sambringsaward
winners,andyou’recookingshitsomeeightyearoldPakistanikidispostingontheinternet.”
“Eat,Ken,”mymothersnapped.
“Goodpeppersma,”IsaidasIswallowedabiteofthestuffedpepper.
“Thankyou,”she
responded.
Withherforkstillstuckintoherpotatoes,andwithouttakingasinglebiteofherfood,mymotherturnedtofaceSam.Ioftenwonderedifmymotheratesmallmealsthroughoutthedaytostayalive,becauseatthedinnertablesheoftenpickedather
foodwhilemyfatherandIate,neveractuallyeatingwhatwasonherplate.AsSamturnedherdirectionandsmiled,mymotherspoke.
“NowSamantha.Stevetellsusyou’regoingtobecomingbackheretolive.Isthatright?”mymotherasked.
“Lethereat,ma,”Isighed.
Mymotherslowlyturnedmydirectionandwidenedhereyes.“IwastalkingtoSamantha.Eatyourdinner,Steve.”
Iglancedatmyfather,whowasfinishingthemoundofpotatoesfromhisplate.As
heshoveledanotherforkfulintohismouth,helookedupandgrinned,“Shesaidnopie’tillwe’redonewiththisshit.Bettereatup.”
Samshiftedhergazebackandforthbetweenmymotherandmeasshespoke,“I’mgoingtogobacktoSt.Louisoneofthesedays,and
getmystuff.I’lljustbringeverythingbackhereandprobablyliveinmymother’shouse.”
“ThehouseinLakepoint?Ontheeastside?”mymotherasked.
“Yes,thesamehouseIgrewupin,”Samnodded.
Mymothertiltedher
headmydirection,“Steve,youneedtogowithherandhelpher.Shedoesn’tneedtogobyherselfandgetherthings.Sheneedsamantohelpher,soyougowithher.”
Iglancedupfrommyplateandshookmyhead,“I’llprobablygo,ma.”
“Noprobably.You
needtogo,”mymothersighed.
“Getyousometiedownstrapsfromworksonothingblowsout,”myfathermutteredasheshovedaforkfulofpepperintohismouth.
“LetSameat,ma,”Isighed.
“Speakingofwork,Clydehadsexwiththecock-eyedgirlatthesouthregister,”myfathersaidasheglancedupfromhisplate.
“Ken!”mymothergasped.
“Well,hedid.Sam-Samfromwork,notthisSam-hecaught‘embackinthe
storeroom.Hadthatcock-eyedgalbentoverarowofboxes,”hepausedandswallowedthebiteoffoodhewaschewing.
“Ken,stop!”mymothersighedasshetossedherheadtowardSam.
“Doessextalkbotheryou,Samantha?”myfather
asked.
Samglancedatmymother,shiftedhereyestowardmyfather,andshrugged.
“She’salady,Ken.It’srude,”mymotherhissed.
“Well,Iwasn’tgoingtogointographicdetail,Marge.I’mjustmaking
conversation.Soanyway,thiscock-eyedgalthatworksthesouthregisterhasthebodyofapornstar,butwhenshelooksatyou,hereyesareallcock-eyed,”hepaused,glancedatme,andmadehiseyesgocrossed.
Ashelookedaroundthetablewithcrossedeyes,
mymothercoveredhereyes,andSamlaughedsohardshealmostspitherfoodout.
“Ken,that’srude,”mymothersaid.
“What’srudeistoseeherbody,andthenhaveherturnaroundandlookatyou.That’srude.Soanyway,shegetsadivorcemaybeamonth
ago.Andthenshe’dbeencomplainingtotheothergalsatworkthatnoonewouldtakeheroutonadate,”hepaused,slicedoffachunkofhisstuffedpepper,andpokeditwithhisfork.
Ashepokedthefoodinhismouth,hecontinuedbeforeheevenstarted
chewing,“SoItoldClyde,IsaidClyde,ifshewasn’tcock-eyed,guyswouldbelineduptothebank,youknowtheonewayupontheoverpass,they’dbelineduptothebanktogetapieceofthat.AndClydelooksatmeandsmiles.HesaysKen,aslongasshe’sfacingtheother
way,what’sitmatter.Hell,Ithoughthewasjoking,soIjustshruggedmyshouldersandsaidIguessitdon’t,Clyde.Iguessitdon’t,that’swhatItoldhim.”
Asmymotherstareddownatherplate,morethanlikelypraying,Sam’seyeswerefixedonmyfather’s.
Althoughshehadn’theardhisdinnertimestoriesforyears,shewasnonewbietohistalltales.Evenbackwhenwewereinhighschool,myfathertoldstoriesatdinnernodifferentlythanhedidnow.Asheswallowedhisfood,Samspoonedaforkfullofpotatoesupandwaited.
“Soithadn’tbeenacoupledays,andSamgoestothestoreroomtogetoneofthemminiaircompressorsforthisguy,andthatgalwasbentoverwithherpantsaroundherankles,andhertopoff,andthatdamnedClydewasjustapokingaway.Samsaidshespun
aroundandhellhecouldn’teventellwhereshewaslooking.Itoldhimshewaslookingateverything.Shemaybegaggleeyed,butIbetthatgal’sgottheperipheralvisionofaGoddamnedOwl.Anyway,Samsaysherboobsarefake.Shehadhertopoffwhenthewholedealwent
down,”henoddedhisheadoncetowardSam,turnedtowardme,andpokedthelastbiteofpepperwithhisfork.
“Ken,that’snotdinnertabletalk,”mymothersaidasshelookedup.
“Well,IwantSamanthatofeellikeshe’sathome,Marge.Damn.IfIsat
hereandatewithoutspeakingyou’dwonderaboutmewouldn’tyou,Samantha?”myfatheraskedasheglancedtowardSam.
“Isupposeso,”shesaidwithalaugh.
“Neverwouldhaveguessedherboobswerefake.Hell,theyjigglewhenshe
walks,”Myfathersaidunderhisbreathashepushedhimselffromthetable.
“I’mgoingtogetsomeofthispieslicedandready.Marge,youhaven’ttouchedyourfood,areyougoingtoeatpie?”myfatheraskedashestoodfromhisseat.
Mymotherglancedupfromherplateandnoddedherhead,“I’dplannedonit,yes.”
“I’mdoneandSam’sclose,pop.Bringusaslice,”Isaidasmyfatherwalkedintothekitchen.
IpushedmyselfawayfromthetableslightlyandleanedbackinmychairasI
studiedSam.Shelookedexceptionallybeautiful.Herhairwasgenerallystraight,butshehadtakentimetocurlitandspruceitup.Now,itseemedshehadtentimesasmuchhairasshenormallydid.Curled,pinned,andplacedjustperfectly,shelookedlikeshecouldbeina
hairproductcommercial.Thegoldenskinonherfacewasclearandsmooth,andunlikemanyothergirls,thecolorofherfacematchedthecoloroftheskinonherneck,shoulders,andarms.
Oneofmypetpeeveshadalwaysbeenwomenwearingmake-upthatcaused
theirfacetoclearlybeacolorincontrastwiththerestoftheirbody.
Inhersleevelessknittop,shortsandsandals,shelookedadorable.AsIsatandadmiredherwhilemyfathercutthepie,shesatandquietlytalkedtomymother.Unfocusedontheir
conversation,Icontinuedtositandstare;gratefulshewasonceagaininmylife.
“What?What’swrong?”sheaskedassheshiftedhereyestomeetmine.
Ishookmyhead,“Nothing.”
Shecockedherheadtotheside,“Youwere
lookingatmefunny.”
Ishookmyhead,“Justadmiringyou.”
“Issomethingwrongwithmyhair?”sheaskedasshereachedforherhair.
Ishookmyhead,“It’sperfect.”
“Yourhairlookswonderful,Samantha,”my
motherbreathed.
“Iwasgoingtosaythesamething.Don’trememberseeingyouwithsomuchofit.Itlooksrealnice,Samantha.Here,”myfathersaidasheslidapieceofpiebesideherplate.
“Andhere’soneforyou,”myfathersaidashe
reachedacrossthetable.
“ThanksPop,”IsaidasIgrabbedtheplate.
Myfatherdisappearedmomentarily,andthenwalkedbackintotheroomwithaplateinhishand.Ashesatdown,heglancedatmymotherandgrinned.
“Youcanhaveone
whenyou’refinished,”hesaidashesatdown.
Mymotherrolledhereyesasshetookasmallnibbleofthepotatoes,“I’llgetmyown,thankyou.”
Samlookedupfromherplate,“Thankyou.It’sprettymuchthesame,Ijustfixedit.”
“Looksbig,”myfathersaidashepushedhisforkintothecornerofhispie.
Samnoddedherheadandchuckled,“That’swhattheycallit.Bighair.I’vegotbighair.”
“Well,seemsappropriate.It’sbig.Ilikeit.RemindsmeofwhenMarilyn
Monroewouldfixhersallcurly,”hesaidashepokedthepieintohismouth.
Ashechewedthepie,hedroppedtheforkfromhisgraspandithittheplatewithaclank.Immediately,heraisedhisrighthandandheldittohischestasifhavingaheartattack.
“Nowthat’sanapplepie.What’sinitthatmakesitsodamnedgood?”heaskedashepointedtowardtheplatewithhislefthand.
“I’msworntosecrecy,”Samgrinned.
“Well,Iguesswe’lljusthavetomakesureyou’regoingtobearoundalittle
moreoften,soyoucanbringthepieifnothingelse,”myfathersaidashereachedforhisfork.
“She’llbearoundplenty,pop,”IsaidasIcutoffapieceofpie.
Mymotherglancedupfromherplateandfixedhereyesonme,“Soareyoutwo
datingagain?”
IshiftedmyeyestowardSam,“We’retogether,yes.”
“Butyouaren’tdating?”mymothershrugged.
“We’retogether,ma,”Ihalfshoutedinresponse.
Shescrunchedher
noseslightlyandstared,“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Ma,we’readults.Adultsdon’tdate,”IsaidasIliftedthebiteofpietomymouth.
“Sincewhen?”sheasked.
“SinceIdon’tknowwhen,ma.Butwe’readults,
andwe’retogether.She’smovingbackhere,andwe’regoingtobetogether,”IsaidasIpokedthebiteofpieintomymouth.
Thepiewasfabulous.AsIchewedit,IturnedtofaceSam,smiled,andpointedtomymouth.
Mymotherpointed
theendofherforkatmeandshookit,“Togetherasinyou’reacouple?”
“Yeah,ma.We’reacouple,”Ishrugged.
IglancedatSam.Shewasgrinningfromeartoear.IrealizedasIspokethatalthoughsheandIhadn’tdiscussedthesethings,I
simplysuspecteditwentwithoutsaying.IhadexpressedtoherthatIlovedher,andsheagreedshehadfeltthesame.AssheseemedtoenjoyhearingwhatitwasIhadtosayaboutusbeingacouple,Iconsideredexpandingonit.BeforeIhadachancetospeak,mymother
interruptedmythoughts.
“Well,thenyou’redating.WhencanIhaveagrandchild?”sheaskedflatlyassheshiftedhereyesbackandforthbetweenSamandme.
IshruggedmyshouldersandglancedatSam.Sam’seyesquickly
shiftedtowardmymother.Almostimmediatelyherfacewasfilledwithshockandwonder.
“Nokids,”Samsaidsharplyassheshookherheadfromside-to-side.
Shockedatherresponse,Isatandstared.
“Oh?”mymother
respondedwithwideeyes.
“I’mpastmyprime,”Samresponded,“Idon’tevenknowifIcanhavekids.”
“Well,there’sonewaytofindout,”myfatherlaughedasheslappedmyshoulder.
“Let’sjusthopeyoucan,andonedayGodblesses
usallwithone,”mymothersaidasshestoodfromthetable.
IsatandstudiedSamandwonderedwhatchanged.Fifteenyearsprior,heronlyreasonforleavingwasthatshewantedkidsandIdidn’t.Now,itseemedsheeithernolongercaredtohavechildren
orshewasn’tableto.Eitherway,Idecideditdidn’tmatter.Whatmatteredwasthatwelovedeachother,andweweredevotedtoeachother.AsIsatandwatchedhercutintothepie,Igrinned.
Shewasbeautiful.Iglancedaroundthetable.Ifnothingelse,Icouldofferher
afamilywhichincludedamother,father,andme.
Andinmyeyes,despiteourindividualfaults,thisfamilywasperfect.
SAMSpendingtimewithOtis’familywassomuchmoreenjoyablethanIexpectedittobe.Iwenttothedinner
excitedandalittlenervous,notnecessarilyknowingwhattoexpect.WhatIreceivedwasaheartwarmingwelcomefromhisparents,andinmanyrespects,itfeltasifIhadonlybeenawayfromthemforashortperiodoftime,definitelynotthefourteenyearsIhadbeengone.
Hismother’squestionregardingchildrencaughtmeslightlyoffguardandmademeextremelyuncomfortable.IexpectedmyquicknoresponsecomfortedOtis,butIfeltsorryforhismotherandherdesiretohaveagrandchild,knowingherlongingforustohavekids
wouldneverbemet.Ihopedastimepassed,havingmeforadaughter-in-lawmightsufficetofillthevoid.
Asmuchasthematernalpartofmeoncewantedchildren,Irealizedthelongingstemmedfrommyfeelingofinsecurityregardingmyrelationship
withOtis.Losinghimonceasaresultofmyrequestwasonetimetoomany,andlosinghimagainwouldcrushme.Ourpinkiepromisehadnoclauseinitforchildren,andIfeltcomfortableaslongaskidsweren’tinthepictureOtisandIwouldbetogetherforalifetime.
Istood,gazingintothemirror,andtriedtorecallthelasttimeIhadbeenonanactualdate.AftermovingtoStLouis,Ihadgoneonafewdates,buteventuallydecideddatingwassenseless,asmyheartbelonged,andhadalwaysbelongedtoOtis.
Michaeldiedin2001,
andImovedtoSt.Louisimmediatelyfollowinghisdeath.AyearlaterIstoppeddating.Maybeitwastwoyears,butcertainlynotlongerthanthat.Soroughly2003wouldhavebeenmylastdate.
Twelveyears.Iliftedthehemofmy
dressslightlyandspuninacircle,watchingmyselfinthemirrorasIdidso.
Wearacomfortabledressandshoesyou’recomfortablewalkingin.I’llbethereatseven.
Ipickedupmyphoneandglancedatthescreen.6:50.OutofmyperipheralI
sawTaylorapproachthedoorway.
“Meow…”
“Iknow,right?”IsighedasIshiftedmyeyesinherdirection.
“Ididn’thaveone,soIrantothemallandboughtit.Cute,huh?”IaskedasIturnedtowardthemirror
again.
“Meow…”
“Ifeelthesameway.Wheredoyouthinkhe’sgoingtotakeme?”IaskedasIturnedtowardthedoorwayandtookastepinherdirection.
Silence.
Iwalkedpasther,
downthehallway,andtowardthelivingroom.AsIreachedtheedgeoftheloveseat,Iglancedovermyshoulder.
“Idon’tknoweither.Comeon,wedon’thavemuchtime,”IsaidasIpattedmyhandonthearmoftheloveseat.
Sherandownthe
hallwayandleapedtowardmyhand,landinggracefullybesideit.Afterpeeringdowninmylapandstudyingmeforashortmoment,shecarefullysteppedbetweenmythighsandcurledintoaball.Afterafewsecondsofpettingher,theunmistakablerumbleoftheCamarocomingdownthe
streetbrokethesilence.
“Well,itsoundslikehe’shere,”IshruggedasIpickedherupandplacedheratmyside.
Asherolledintothedriveway,Iraninthekitchen,grabbedmypurse,andliterallysprintedforthedoor.Ipulledthecurtainstothe
sideslightlyandwatched,hopinghe’deventuallystepoutofthecar.Afterwhatseemedtobeaneternity,heopenedthedoorandsteppedintothedriveway.
Dressedindarkdesignerjeans,blackdressboots,andawell-fitteddarkgreyV-necktee,helooked
amazinglyhandsome.Ilovedtheentirebikerlookthing,butseeinghimdressedlikethiswasaverynicechange.Afteradmiringhisslowconfidentswaggerasheworkedhiswaytowardthedoor,Ipulledthecurtainstothesideandreachedforthedoor.
“Oh,wow.Youlooknice,”IsighedasIsteppedontotheporch.
Hestoppedinhistracksandglancedupatme.
“Damn,Sam.Youlookincredible.Thatdresslooksfuckinggood,”hesaidashepushedhisthumbsintohisfrontpockets.
Hisarmslookedliketheywereabouttobustrightoutoftheshirt.Itwasn’ttoosmall,anditactuallyfitperfectly,butforhimtobuyashirtthatwouldallowhismassivearmstoactuallyfitthesleeveswouldbeimpossible.Theupperportionoftheshirtclungtohis
massivechest,andhungslightlyloosearoundhisrathertrimwaist.AsIstoodadmiringhislittlethumbsinpocketpose,Ihadtoconsciouslypreventmyselffromslobberingonmynewdress.
“Thankyou,”IsaidasIdidmybesttocurtsy,“So,
youready?”
“Ifyouare,Iam,”herespondedasheturnedtowardthecar.
Isteppedofftheporchandglancedtowardthecar.Hestoodatthepassengerdoor,holdingitopenforme,grinningfromeartoear.
AsIheldmydressto
mythighsandattemptedtoslidegracefullyintothelow-sittingcar,hebentdownandkissedmesoftly.Assoonasourlipsparted,IcollapsedintotheseatfeelingrathersatisfiedIcouldgetusedtothistypeoftreatmentwithease.
“Sowherearewe
going?”Iaskedashegotinthecar.
“Surprise,”herespondedoverhisshoulderashestartedthecar.
Iclutchedmypurseinmyhandsandgrinned.Ilikedsurprisesaslongastheywerewellnatured.Asurprisedateseemedmoreromantictome
thananunplannedone,andmademefeelalittlemorespecialthanifwe’dhavesimplygonetosomerandomrestauranttoeatdinner.Ashepulledoutoftheneighborhoodandspedintotraffic,thesoundofthecarandthesheerforceoftheaccelerationdidtomewhatit
alwaysdidtome.
Wet.“Inahurry?”Iasked
asIreachedovertobucklemylapbelt.
Hegrabbedthegearshifterandslappedthecarintoanothergearwithoutlettinghisfootoffthegaspedal,causingthecartolurch
forwardevenmore.
“Kindof,”hesaidasheglancedinmydirectionforasplit-second.
“Okay,”Isaidundermybreath.
“Doesitendsoon?Arewegoingtomissit?”Iasked.
“Nope.Notreally,”he
saidashesweptpastacarontherightside.
“Isitinsideoroutside?”Iasked.
“Goodquestion,”herespondedwithoutshiftinghiseyesfromtheroad,“Outside.”
Inoddedmyhead,“Istherealargebodyofwater?”
Heshookhisheadandlaughed,“No.There’ssomewater,butnotmuch.”
“Hmmm,”IsaidasIraisedmyindexfingertomylips.
“Justthetwoofus,orwilltherebemorepeople?”Iasked.
“Therewillprobably
bealotofpeople,”heresponded.
HisfocusondrivingandhavingbothhandsonthesteeringwheelcausedmetofocusmoreonhisflexingbicepsthatIprobablyshouldhave.RegardlessofhowmuchtimeIhadtoadmirehim,notstaringathisbulging
muscleswasextremelydifficult.AsIstudiedthetattoosonhisforearmsadmiringly,heturnedasharpcorner,causingmetolookoutattheroad.
“Wherearewe?”IaskedasIlookedaroundtheunfamiliarneighborhood.
Severalparksanda
smallriverlinedthestreetsoneithersideofthecar.
“Almostthere,”hesaidashedownshiftedthecarintoalowergear.
Asheslowedthecartoanalmoststopandturnedintoaparkingarea,Iglancedaround,tryingtodeterminewherewewere.AlthoughI
hadgrownupinWichita,somuchhadchangedsinceI’dspentanytimeintheinnercitythatnothingseemedfamiliaranymore.
“Whatisthisplace?”Iaskedexcitedly.
Hepointedoutthewindowtoalargewoodensign.
Botanica.
“Botanica?Theflowergarden?”Isaidundermybreath.
“It’smorethanaflowergarden,Sam.Websitesaidthey’vegotfountains,paths,AShakespearegarden,aroseandwildflowergarden,aChinesegarden,butterfly
garden-hellIdon’tevenrememberhowmanytheyhave.Tenacresworth,”hesaidasheshutoffthecar.
Istaredoutthewindowattheentrance.Iwouldhaveneverguessedhewouldtakemetosuchaplace,soitwasinfactahugesurprise.AsIsatandadmired
whatIcouldseethroughthewindowofthecar,hereachedoverandtouchedmyshoulder.
“Ialwayslovedyourmother’sbackyard,andIknowyoudidtoo.Ithoughtthiswouldbejustlikeit,onlyalotbigger.It’llbemoreenjoyableifyougetout,”he
chuckled.
“Iloveyou,”IsighedasIturnedtofacehim.
“Loveyoutoo,Sam,”hesaidashereachedforthedoorhandle.
Wewalkedtowardtheentrancehandinhand,andasweenteredthepark,mybreathwastakenawaybythe
sheerbeautyofthelandscape.Acentralfountainsurroundedbyvariousflowers,shrubs,andawalkwaylookedlikesomethingoutofafairytale,anditwasonlytheentrancetothegarden.Ashepaidforourtickets,Ieagerlyscannedthelandscapeformoretosee.
“Thisisbeautiful,”I
sighedasIgazedatthefountain.
Aswewalkedpastthefountainandintothepark,Igazedatthebeautifulflowers,shrubsandtreesinanalmosttrance-likestate.Althoughtherewerepeopleeverywhere,itdidn’tseematallovercrowded.Thearoma
ofthesurroundingflowerscreatedanalmostsensoryoverloadasIattemptedtoidentifyalloftheindividualflowerscreatingthebeautifulscent.
Iclosedmyeyesandinhaledslowlythroughmynose.
Roses.Honeysuckle.
Gardenias.
Uhhh,Uhhm.GardenPhlox.
IopenedmyeyestoabeautifuldisplayofpurpleGardenPhlox.
“Ilovethisplace,”IsaidasIsqueezedhishandinmine.
Heshiftedhiseyes
fromthegardenahead,“Beautiful,isn’tit?”
Inoddedmyheadaswewalkedunderanornamentalconcretestructuremarkingtheentrancetoanotherareaofthegarden.
Thesoundofrunningwatermadetheentireareaseemmorepeacefulthanit
alreadywas.Aftersearchingalongthelandscape,Inoticedastone-filledcreekbesidethewalkingpathwithwaterflowingthroughitfreely.Onthesideofthepathaswecurvedtotheleft,alargepoolofwaterwithbeautifulcoyfishplayfullyswimmingaboutcaughtmyattention.
Ipointedtothepoolaswepassed,incapableofsayinganythingtodescribethebeautyofitall.
Twobreathlessgardenslater,andIstoodinthecenterofarestareawithmyeyesclosed,onceagainattemptingtoidentifythearomaofaparticularflower
whichhadcommandedmyattention.AsIinhaledanotherslowshallowbreaththroughmynose,Otis’handsonmycheekscausedmetoopenmyeyes.
“Iloveyou,Sam,”hesaidasheleaneddownandkissedmelightly.
“Ilovethisplace,and
Iloveyoutoo,”Isighed.
“Haveyouenjoyedit?”heasked.
Iwrinkledmybrowandnarrowedmyeyes,“Enjoyedit?That’sastupidquestion.YesOtis,I’veenjoyedit.”
“Good,”hesaidasheglancedovereachshoulder
somewhatnervously.
“Youknowwhatwouldmakeitbetter?”heaskedasheturnedtofaceme.
Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Idunno.”
“Iwanttofucktheshitoutofyou.Righthere,”hesaidashepointedtothesideofthepath.
Iglancedtowherehepointedandstared.Thesideofthepathwaslinedwithflowers,andbehindthemamoreelevatedrowofshrubbery,andbehindit,anotherrowofvariousflowers.Theentireheightoftheuppermostobstructionwasmaybefourfeethigh.
Peoplepassingbycouldundoubtedlyseeusiftheysimplypeeredtothesideofthepathandovertheflowers.
“You’recrazy,nothere,”Isighed.
“Why?It’sbeautiful,”heshruggedasheglancedaroundus.
“Itis,”IsaidasI
steppedtotheside,allowingapersonwalkpast.
Itossedmyheadtowardthewomanwhohadjustpassedandwidenedmyeyes,“See?Therearetoomanypeople,andit’snotevendarkyet.”
Heglancedtothesideofthepath,turnedaroundand
peeredaroundthecornerofthedisplaybehindhim,andreacheddownandgrippedthetopofanornamentalconcretebenchathisside.Ashegruntedandpulledagainstthebench,slowlyitbegantorisefromtheconcreteslabbelowit.
“Mother…fucker…
thisisheavy…as…fuck,”hegruntedasheliftedthebench.
Whatthefuck?
Iwatchedinamazementashecarriedwhatwasprobablyafourhundredpoundbenchtothesideoftheflowersbehindme,settingitonthegrassbeyondthefourfeethighrowofflowers
liningthepath.AshewalkedaroundtheendofthepathtowherehewasstandingbeforeIstoodwithmymouthagape.
“There,”hesaidashewipedhishandsonthethighsofhisjeans.
“Nowwegotusalittleplace,”hegrinned.
“Peoplecanseeus.
Likeseeus.No,”Ihuffed.
Heglancedoverhisshoulders,turnedaround,andsighed.BeforeIhadachancetodoorsaymuchofanything,heslidonearmbehindmythighs,theotherovermyshoulders,pickedmeupfrommyfeet,andheldmeinhisarms.
“Otis,”IsaidthroughmyteethasIpeeredovermyshoulderandalongthepath.
Hepromptlywalkedaroundtheentrance,tothebenchhehadplacedonthegrass,andploppedmedownonthebench.
“Laydownflat,andtheywon’tseeyou,”hesaid
ashepointedtowardtheshrubberybehindus.
Iglancedtotheside,andalthoughIwasabletoseetheconcretestructure,Icouldn’tseethepathwayhiddenbytheshrubsandflowers.
“Ifpeoplewalkby,they’llseeus,”Iwhispered.
Asheshookhisheadfromside-to-side,hereachedundermydressandgrabbedthewaistofmypanties.Somewhatreluctantly,Iloweredmyshoulderstothebenchandhoistedmyassfromtheconcrete,allowinghimtofreelypullthepantiesoff.
“Putyourfeetuponthebenchandspreadyourkneesapart,”hesaidinanalmostdemandingtone.
“I’mnotgoingtoshowtheentireparkmytwat,Otis,”IsnappedbackasIclenchedmykneestogether.
Hepressedhishandsdowninbetweenmythighs
andspreadmylegsagainstwhatlittleresistanceIwasabletoprovide.
“Theparkisn’tgoingtoseeyourtwat,Sam.They’llseethebackofmyheadburiedinyourtwat.Nowspreadyourlegs,”hegrowled.
“OhdearGod,”I
sighedasIeagerlyfloppedmylegstotheside.
Thereweren’tenoughpeopleintheentireworldtokeepmefromlettingOtislickmypussy;evenifwewereinpublic.Itwasoneofthemanythingshedidextremelywell.AsIclosedmyeyesandgrippedthesidesofthe
concretebenchinmyhands,Iheardacouplewalkpastus,talkingastheyenjoyedthebeautifulviewoftheflowersalongthepath.
AsIfeltthesidesofhisheadbetweenmythighs,Iinhaledashallowbreathinanticipationofwhatwascertaintocome.Ashis
tongueslowlylickedfromthebottomofmypussytothetop,Iexhaledsharply.
Histonguebeganflickingagainstmyclit,sendingmeintoafrenzyofflinchingwitheachtouchofthetipofhistongueagainstmyswollennub.Isankmyteethintomylowerlip,
hopefullypreventingmefromhowlingoutamoanofpleasureintothebusypark.
Iraisedmyshouldersfromthebench,restingonmyelbowsashisfingerbegantoslideinandoutofmywetness.Ashecontinuedtolickmypussyandnibblemyclitwithhissoftlips,Istared
downbetweenmylegsinshock.
Thiswasonlythebeginning.
Andaslongaswedidn’tgetcaught,itwascertaintobealongandverypleasurablenight.
SAM“Thenexttimeyoutryandsquirmawayfromme,I’mgoingtoslapthatassofyourssohardtheentireparkcomesoverhere,”hesaidbetween
histeethinaharshtone.
He’dbeenfuckingmefrombehindwhileIwasbentovertheparkbenchwithmydressaroundmyneck.Mybraandpantieswerebesidethebenchinthegrass,andthecoldconcreteagainstmybareboobsremindedmeofwhenheusedtofuckmeinmy
mother’sbackyard,addingtothesensualityofitall.AllowingOtistofuckmehoweverhewantedwasaspecialtyofmine,butbeingquietandholdingstillweren’tnecessarilymyforte.
Asthesoundofhishipspoundingagainstmyassrangthroughouttheentrance
oftheShakespeareGarden,Ibitintomylowerlipsoharditbegantobleed.Igrippedtheedgesofthebenchandliftedmychestfromthebench,alongmynipplestobarelygrazeagainsttheedgeofthecoldconcrete.
Theconsistentsoundofnotsodistantvoiceskept
mylevelofexcitementelevatedandprovidedanassurancemypussywasn’tgoingtodryupanytimesoon.
Myeyesnaturallyrolledbackintomyheadasmyoverlysensitivenipplesdancedalongthetopoftheconcretebench.Thesensationwasalmosttoomuchforme
tobear.Althoughmypussywasn’treadyforhisthickcockafewweeksbefore,theexcitementofhimfuckingmeintheparkcombinedwithactuallyseeingpeoplewalkpastaswedidsocausedmypussytobecomeawetandverywillingreceptacleforhisswollenrod.
Ashisballsslappedagainstmyclitforthethousandthtime,Ireleasedmylipandgroanedintothelateeveningair.Onemorethrust,andImadeafeebleattempttoescapeashiscockpoundeddeepintome,pressingmythighsintotheendofthebench.
“WhatthefuckdidItellyou?”hegrowled.
“Still,”Iheaved.
“Stay…”
“Still…”
Hebentover,forcinghischestintomybackandpressingmeagainstthecoolconcreteslab.Ashegroundhisfaceintothesideofmine,
hebreathedintomyear.
“Andfuckingquiet,”hewhispered.
Thewarmairthatescapedfromhislipscausedmetoshudder.Asgoosebumpsrosealongmyleftarm,heliftedhischestfrommybackandslappedmyasswiththepalmofhis
hand.AsIfelthiscockslidefrommyeversowantingpussy,IgaspedasIturnedaround.
“Don’tstop,I’msorry,I’llbegood,”Ibegged.
Iwatchedinutterhorrorashepulledhisjeansupandoverhisstillstiffcock.Ashebuckledhisbelt
andnarrowedhiseyes,Istoodandsadlypulleddownmydress.Hepressedhishandsintohishipsglaredatmeforafewsecondsandeventuallycrossedhisarmsandsighedloudly.
“Don’tfuckingmove,Sam.Sitrightthere,outoffuckingsight,”hedemanded
asheturnedaway.
“But…”Ibegan.
Hestoppedandglancedoverhisshoulder.
“Don’t.Fucking.Move.”
Inwhatwasnomorethanamatterofseconds,butseemedtobeaneternity,Isatnervously-hiddenbythe
shrubbery-andwaitedasIheardahintofhisvoiceashewastalkingtosomeone.Althoughhewasn’twithinmyrangeofvision,hedidn’tsoundlikehewasveryfaraway.AnothermalevoiceIdidn’trecognizeappearedtobetalkingtohim.Afterafewseconds,thevoicesbecame
closer,clear,andmoredistinct.AsOtiscamearoundthecorneroftheentranceanothermuchyoungermanfollowed.Shocked,Istoodfrommyseat.
“Sitthefuckdown,”Otisdemanded.
“Dude…”theothermansaidaswemadeeye
contact.
Beforehehadachancetocontinue,Otisinterruptedhim,“Justshutthefuckupforaminute,beforeIslaptheshitoutofyou.”
Theman,whoappearedtobeahipsterinhisearlytwenties,stoodimmediatelybehindOtis,
attemptingtopeeroverhisshoulder.AsOtissteppedtotheside,thetall,thin,beardedyoungsterstoodinapparentshockstaringatme.
“She’smygirlfriend,there’snothingfunnygoingon,otherthanwe’reacoupleofsexualweirdos.Allyou’regoingtodoisholdher
down,”Otisexplained.
“Otis!”Ihissedinaloudwhisper.
Hecrossedhisarmsandsighedharshlyasheshookhishead,“I’mnotgoingtowarnyouagain,Sam.”
AsIgazedbeyondhimandfocusedonthetall
thinman,thethoughtofhimholdingmedownwhileOtisfuckedmecausedmetowrithewhereIstoodinanticipatedpleasure.Ifanyonecouldpullitoff,Otiscould.
“Dude,I’mnot…”thethinhipsterbegan.
Otisturnedtoface
him.
“Name’snotDude,it’sOtis.DoIlooklikeaguyyouwanttoarguewith?”Otisaskedasheflexedhisbicepsandflaredhischest.
Thethinmanshookhishead,“Uhhm,no.No,yousuredon’t.”
“Lookatitthisway.
It’llgiveyousomethingtotellyourbuddiesabout,”Otispausedandturnedtofaceme.
“Pullyourdressupandbendover,Sam.Justlikeyouwereaminuteago,”Otissighedashereachedforhisbelt.
“ButIhadmydressuponmy…”Ibeganto
explain.
HereleasedhisbeltandglaredatmeasifIwerefrustratinghimtonoend,“Just.Like.You.Were.”
Iturnedaroundandpulledmydresstomyshoulders,exposingmyentirenakedbacksidetothestranger.Instantly,mypussy
begantotingle.Thesensationwasanentirelynewone,andbroughtalevelofpleasuretomymindthatwasincapableofcompare.Forthesolepurposeofentertainment,Islidmyhandbetweenmylegsandrubbedmytwomiddlefingersalongthelengthofmydrippingwet
pussy.
Halfbentover,Iturnedtotheside,exposingmybreaststothestranger.Ashegawkedinobviouspleasure,Ishiftedmyeyestohiscrotchandheldmygaze.Asthesecondsquicklypassed,hisbulgebecamemoreapparent.
“Lookbabe.Mypussy’samess,”IsaidasIraisedmysoakedhand,hopingtoexcitethestrangerevenmore.
“Gooverthereandholdhershouldersdown,”Otisdemandedashepointedtothefarendofthebenchfromwherehestood.
StillstandingafewfeetbehindOtis,themanbeganwithhisbestefforttotalkhiswayoutoftheawkwardsituation,“Iuhhm,Ireallydon’tthinksheneedsmetodo…”
“Tellyouwhat.What’syournameagain?”Otisgrowled.
“Alan,”themananswered.
Peeringovermyshoulder,Iwasenjoyingtheshowinitsentirety.Nowstandingwithafull-fledgedhard-on,Alanwasobviouslyuncomfortable.Theentiresituationtomewasnothingshortofinsanity,butwith
Otisinvolved,nothingwasoutoftherealmofpossibilities.Asmyswollenpussycontinuedtosendshockwavesupanddownmytorso,IwaitedforOtistorespond.
“Tellyouwhat,Alan.Youeithergograbherbytheshouldersandholdherdown
onthatbenchorI’mgoingtojustknockyourskinnylittleassoutrightnow.How’sthatsound?”Otissaidflatly.
“SoundslikeI’mgoingtoholdherdown,”hesaidashepressedtheheelofhispalmagainsthiscrotch.
AsAlanwalkedinfrontofme,Istraightenedmy
stanceslightly,showinghimafullviewofmyperkyboobs.Ashiseyeslockedonmychest,Islowlyreachedforthem,fullysuspectingOtistotellmetostop.
Well,untilyousaysomething…
Igraspedmyboobsinmyhandsandbeganto
squeezethemandpinchmynipplesasAlanstoodandstared.AsIheardtheclankingsoundofOtis’beltbuckle,Iturnedandglancedovermyshoulder.Hispantsnowaroundhisthighs,itwasprettyapparenthewasasexcitedasIwas.Hisstiffcockstoodatattention,
pointingupattheskyataforty-fivedegreeangle.AsIwatchedittwitch,Ireleasedmyrightboob,stoodmoreerect,andstuckmyfirsttwofingersintomypussy.
“Turnaround,youhornylittlebitch,”Otisdemanded.
Iturnedawayfrom
Otis,andwhilestillstandinghalferect,pulledmyfingersfrommypussyandslidthemintomymouthwhileAlanwatchedinabsoluteshock.
“Now,Alan,youdowhatItellyouto,andnothingmore.Youunderstand?”Otisaskedfrombehindme.
“Uhhmyeah.Sure,”
Alannoddednervously.
“You’llbefine,”Iwhispered.
“BendoverSam,”Otissighed.
Ibentoverthebenchandpressedmytitsontothenowverycoolconcrete.Itwasn’tquitedarkoutside,butitwasgettingcloserand
closerwitheachpassingminute.Thesunhadalreadyset,andalthoughtherewasn’tanyneedforadditionallightingtosee,itwasclearlyalmostdusk.
AsOtisspreadmyasscheeksandslidhisfatcockintomysoppingwetpussy,Igrippedtheedgesofthe
concreteslabbeneathme.
“Grabhershouldersandholdherdown,”Otisdemanded.
Alanplacedhishandsagainstmyshoulderslightly.ThemeretouchofhishandsagainstmyskinwhileOtisfuckedmewasenoughtosendmeovertheedge,butI
wantedmore.Thethoughtofhimholdingmeagainstmywillwasevenmoreexciting.Totestmytheory,IraisedmychestfromthebenchandbegantoturnmyshoulderstowardOtis.
“Goddamnit,”Otisbellowedashereleasedoneofhishandsfrommyhips.
“Holdherdown!”heshouted.
Alan’shandspressedagainstmyshoulders.Iresistedconsiderably,andhepressedharder–forcingmybreastsflatagainstthebench.AsOtiscontinuedtopoundhimselfintome,IglancedupatAlan’sstiffcockand
stared.Ididn’twantAlantoplayapartinwhatwedoingfromasexualstandpoint,butknowinghewasjustsomestranger-andthathewasnotonlywatchingOtisfuckme-butparticipatinginit…
MytinglingpussystuffedfullofOtis’swollendick,hishipsslappinga
rhythmicbeatagainstmyass,thelingeringaromaoftheflowers,beingfuckedinpublic,andAlan’shandsagainstmyshouldersweresimplytoomuch.Myentirebodybegantotingle,frommyever-so-drippingpussytomynipplesandback,ItrembledlikeIhadbeenleft
nakedinasnowdrift.
MypussybegantoclencharoundOtis’cock.Ibitintomylip,andafterafewseconds,begantoreleaseanorgasmfromtheabsolutedepthofwhateverhellthebigone’scomefrom.Ireleasedmylipandmoanedlikeawolfhowlingatthemoon.
“Younoisylittlebitch.Lethergo,Alan,”Otishollered.
“TurnaroundSam,”Otisdemanded.
Ohwell,fuckit.
AsAlanreleasedmyshoulders,Istoodfromthebench,pulledmydressfrommyshoulders,andtossedit
intothegrassbesidethebench.Asafewdistantvoicesaddedtotheexcitementofitall,Iwaitedformyinstructions.
“Knees,”Otissighedashepointedatthegroundinfrontofhim.
Iloweredmyselftothegroundandbeganto
squeezemytitsinmyhands.
“Grabherheadandforcehertosuckmycock,”Otisbellowed.
Fuckyes.Iloveit.
“Iuhhm,I…”Alanstammered.
“Grabherfuckingheadandshovemycockdownherthroat,”Otis
growledashestoodinfrontofmestrokinghisshinystiffcock.
AsIfeltAlan’shandsagainstthebackofmyhead,Iresisted,pushingwithallmymightagainsthim.This,overandaboveall,excitedmegreatly.ThethoughtofastrangermakingmesuckOtis
cockwasbeyondsensual.AwordtodescribewhatIfeltinanticipationofwhatwasgoingtohappenhadn’tevenbeeninventedyet.
AsAlan’shandspressedagainstthebackofmyhead,IglancedupwardtowardOtis.Hegazeddownatme,grinned,and
interlockedhisfingers.Iopenedmymouthfurtherasheraisedhisarmsandpositionedhishandsbehindhishead,archinghisbackashedidso.Stillwantingtoresist,butwithhistwitchingcocknowforcedintomyface,Ileanedforwardslightly.Idesperatelywanted
Otis’cockinmymouth.Ashepushedforward,forcingthetippastmylips,Ieagerlyaccepteditintomywetmouth.TomakethesituationworkouttobothOtis’andmyadvantage,Ipushedmyself,swallowingalmosteveryinchofhislength,helditforafewseconds,and
pulledmyheadrearwardquickly,falselygaspingforairasIdidso.
Assoonasmymouthreleasedthetipofhiscock,Iglancedupward,knowingfullwellhe’dtakecareofAlan.
“Goddamnyou,Alan.Makeherdeepthroatmycock.Youfuckthisup,and
I’llbeatyousenseless,”Otisbarked.
Voicesalongthepathbecamemoreandmoredistinct.Astheybecamecloseenoughtounderstandwhattheyweresaying,Alan’shandgrabbedmyhairandbeganforcingmeontoOtiscocklikeajackhammer.
TrulygaggingandcoughingslobberfrommymouthasAlanshovedmythroatfullofcock,myeyesbegantowater.AsslobberdrippedfrommymouthandalongtheshaftofOtis’dick,Ireachedupandcuppedhissoakedballsinmyhand.
AsIrubbedand
playedwithhisslipperyballs,Iclosedmyeyesandbecamelostinthesmell,soundsofvoices,andAlan’sincessantslammingofmyheadontoOtis’cock.Withhiscockdeepinmythroat,IfeltasifIwasgoingtoeitherpukeordiefromlackofoxygen.Ireleasedhisballsandslapped
myhandsagainsthisthighs,hopingforalittlerelief.
AsIpreparedtopassout,Otispulledhiscockfrommymouth.IgaspedforairandopenedmyeyesatthesametimeOtisbarkedouthisfinalorder.
“Holdherheadstill,”hegruntedashestrokedhis
fatcock.
Withinamatterofseconds,muchtomycompletesatisfaction,Otisbegantocumallovermyface,tits,stomach,andmouth.Asthewarmcumdropletslandedagainstmyface,Ireachedformypussy,moaningwithpleasure.When
hefinallystoppedejaculatingandstoodstill,Imoanedamoanofnewfoundpleasure.Withmyfingersknuckledeepinmypussy,IextendedmytongueandlickedwhatcumfrommyfaceIwasabletoreach.
“Thanksforyourhelp,”Otischuckled.
“Sorryaboutthethreats.Itjustkindofaddedtotheexcitement,”Otisexplainedashepulledhispantsup.
Istoodandtookthefewstepstomydress.Afterpickingitupfromthegrass,Iturnedtheinsideofitoutwardandwipedthecumfrommy
face.AsAlanquietlywalkedawayshakinghishead,IgotdressedandturnedtowardOtis.
“Enjoyyourself?”heasked,smilingfromeartoear.
“Bestfuckingdateever,”Igrinned.
Henoddedhisheadas
hebuckledhisbelt,“Feelthesameway.”
And,asfuckedupasmostpeoplewouldseeit,andasfewwouldbelieveitifevertoldthestory,thesexualadventuresofournightwereabsolutelyperfect.
AndIcouldn’twaittoseewhatOtisdreamedupfor
ournextdate.
OTISTheexposureofGunnerasanATFagentleftmefeelingasiftheclubneededtoremainasitwasfromamembership
standpoint,andneveraddanyoneelse.Knowingthatwasnotonlyimpossible,butcertainlynotintheclub’sinterest,Itriedtowrapmymindaroundabetterprocessofacceptingprospectsintotheclub.
Cashhadprospectedforayear,andalthoughI
vouchedforhimtobeacceptedasaprospect,addinghimtotheranksofSinnersseemedriskyandpotentiallythreatening.Forthelastyear,IhadsupportedCash,hisfoolishbehavior,andhischildishantics.Hisconstantdiscussionswithoutsidersregardingclub
business-oftenbraggingaboutwhatwasdoneandwhowasinvolved-hadcausedseveralmeetingstobeheldbetweenAxtonandmeregardingameansofforcinghimtoadheretothecodeofsilence.
Hispatchinpartywasbeingheld,andforlackofa
betterplacetohaveapigroast,theclubvotedtohavethepartyatCash’shomeinthecountryandnotatTater’sfarmasusual.ThehomeCashlivedinhadseveralacresofgrassbehindthehome,andnofarmanimals.Tater’shomewasanactualfarm,andhadlivestockclose
tothehome,makingthesmelloflivestock–especiallyhispigs–apartoftheparty.
Mentallystrugglingwithaddinganyonetotheclub,IdismissedmythoughtsasnervousinconsistenciesbasedonGunner’snothavingrefusedtotestifytothe
FederalGrandJuryyet.Hislackofadheringtohisendoftheagreementhadmeonedgeandworriedaboutthepotentialincarcerationofnotonlyme,butofeverymemberoftheclub.AsIsatonmybikecontemplatingwhattodoregardingGunner,Samwalkedoutofthehouse
andontotheporch.
Dressedinjeans,Conversesneakers,andashortsleevedbuttondownHarley-Davidsonshirt,shelookedadorableasshetwistedherhairintoaponytail.
“Ready,”sheholleredasshereleasedherponytail.
“Wellgeton,”IsighedsarcasticallyasIpressedthestartbutton.
Aftershewassecureonthebackofthebikeandhadherglasseson,Ispedoutofthedrivewayanddownthewindingroadthatledfromherneighborhood.TheridefromWichitatoWinfield
typicallytookfortyminutes,andalthoughIhadnorealrecollectionofthetripfromhermother’shousetoCash’s,ourarrivalat7:00indicatedIhadmadethetripinalittlelessthanthirtyminutes.
Bikeswereparkedinfrontofthegarage,besidethedrivewayonbothsides,and
throughouttheentirefrontyard.Countingthemwouldhavebeenimpossible,butaneducatedguesswouldhavebeenclosetosixtymotorcyclesandseveralcages.AsIslowlyrolledintothedriveway,cautiousofthebikesparkedoneitherside,Iwasalittleembarrassedof
mylatearrivalandthewayIwasfeelingaboutaddingCashtotheclub.
“There’salotofpeoplehere.Wow,”Samsaidaswecametoastopinthedrive.
AsIpositionedthebikebesideoneIdidn’trecognize,Ibeganonceagain
tofeeluneasyabouttheevent.Beingnervousaboutanythingwasn’ttypicalforme,andconsideringeverythingaboutthenightwasmakingmefeelill,mysoulsearchingforwhatwasintheclub’sbestinterestsimplymademattersworse.
“Well,let’sgoback
thereandmingle,”IsaidasIswungthekickstandintoplace.
“Arewelate?”sheaskedasshesteppedoffthebackofthebike.
“Kindof,”IsighedasIlockedtheignitionofthebike.
“Shouldhavegothere
at6:00witheveryoneelse,patchin’sat7:00,”Isaidflatly.
“Youdidn’tgettomyhouseuntil6:30.That’swhattimeyousaidtobeready,”sheshrugged.
“Iknow,Sam.Iknow.I’mnotfeelingthis,”Isighedasweslowlywalkedupthe
drive.
“What’swrong?”sheasked.
Iglancedovermyshoulderandstudiedheraswewalked.Ilovedherdearly,andthethoughtoflosingheragainwasincomprehensible.Mypositiononlife,theclub,
beinginarelationship,andbeinginlovehadchangedinthelastmonthandIfeltIneededtodowhateverwaswithinmypowertopreservethethingsIlovedandheldsacred.Keepingtheclubfromharmwasmytoppriority,anddoingsoalsokeptSamandmesafeandinasolid
relationship.
Ishruggedmyshoulders,“Nothing’swrong.There’sgoingtobeahundredorsopeoplebackhere.Itmightbealittleoverwhelming.I’llapologizeinadvance,butI’mgoingtobetiedupwiththefellasuntilthepatchinisover.Just
minglewithSydandAveryforabit,okay?”Isaid.
Shesmiledandnoddedherhead,“Okay.”
Aswecamearoundthebacksideofthehouse,itwasclearthepartywaswellunderway.Thesheersizeofthecrowdwasstaggering.Themusicblaringthe
unmistakablebeatsoftheBlackKeys,kegsofbeerintrashcansscatteredabout,severallongtablessurroundedbyfoldingchairs-mostlyoccupiedbyOl’Ladies-andmorecutsthanIcouldcountwanderingaboutaddedtomyleveloffrustration.
“Goddamn,theVPmadeit,”Axtonholleredoverhisshoulderfromthecircleofmensurroundinghim.
SeveraloftheOl’Ladies,includingSydney,Avery-andtomysurprise-Biscuit’snewfoundplaymateKat,weregatheredatthecornerofthegarage.
“Sam!”Sydneyshoutedfrombehindus.
Samglancedinmydirectionandheldhergazeasshewaitedformyinstructionsonwhatsheshoulddo.
“Justgohavefun.I’llbeawhilewiththisdeal.I’llfindyouinabit,okay?”I
shrugged.
“Loveyou,”shesaidwithasmile.
“Same,Sam.Loveyoutoo,”IsaidasIleanedoverandkissedherlightly.
“Ohwow.Ididn’tknowwecouldkissatthesethings,”shechuckled.
Irolledmyeyesand
tossedmyheadtowardthegirls,“Go.”
IturnedaroundandwalkedtowardAxton,whowassurroundedbyBiscuit,Toad,andafewothermenwhowerewearingcutsthatIdidn’timmediatelyrecognize.AsIapproached,Axtonsteppedbackandopenedhis
arms.
“Betterlatethannotatall,”hesaidasheslappedhishandagainstmyback.
“Knockyouoffapieceofassintheproduceaisleatthegrocerystore?”Biscuitchuckledashewrappedhisarmsaroundme.
Islappedmyhand
againsthisbackandshookmyhead,“No,justrunninglate,brother.”
AsIhuggedToad,hewhisperedintomyear,“Everythingalright,brother?”
Ibrokethehugandnoddedmyhead,“I’mgood.”
ButIwasn’t.
“Otis,needyouto
meetafewfellasfromtheFireandIronMC.Bigfuckerhere’sDoc.Doc,thisisourVP,Otis,”Axtonsaidashepointedtoamanwearingacutwhostoodbesidehim.
Barelyaninchorsoshorterthanme,andcoveredintattoostoonewristandtohiselbowontheotherarm,
themanhadacertainpresencetohimthatsupportedhisIdon’ttakeshitfromanyoneposture.Ashestoodstone-facedandshookmyhand,Istudiedhiscut.
President.“He’sthepresidentof
theWichitachapteroftheMCwerodedowntoTexas
about.AndthisfellaherecouldgiveBiscuitarunforhismoneyontellingstories.Teddy,thisisOtis,”Axtonsaidashetiltedhisheadtowardabarrel-chestedmonsterofamanwithafullbeardandblackcurlyhair.
“Pleasuretomeetya,”Teddysaidasheextendedhis
hand.
Hishandengulfedmineasheshookmyhandinhis.Iglanceddown,shockedatthesizeofhishands.Ashereleasedmygrip,Imadenoteofhissausage-sizedfingersandhugehands.Myguess,basedontheconditionofhisknuckles,wasthathewasthe
clubbrawler.
“Likewise,”Igrinned.
“Wewasjusttalkin’aboutthatfuckin’A-Traingetting’yourSergeant-At-Armsshot.GottakeepyoureyeonthatGoddamnedA-Train,he’sahot-head,”Teddychuckled.
“Seemedlikeapretty
solidfella,”Iresponded.
“Ohhe’ssolidasfourteenmotherfuckers,buthe’sahot-head.WehadtoshiphisassdowntoTexasjusttokeephimfromkillin’everybodythatpissedhimoff.I’mjustgladol’Toadhereain’tpushin’updaisies,”hechuckledashewrapped
hisarmaroundToad’sshoulder.
“Toad’satoughfucker,andalittleofahot-headhimself,”IchuckledasIslappedToad’sbicepwiththebackofmyhand.
“Fuckin’Marines,”Teddysighed.
“So,arethefellas
fromTexasgoingtomakeit?”Iasked.
Docshookhisheadfromside-to-side,“Theentirestatewasfloodedaweekagofromalloftheraintheygot.Hell,ObamadeclareditaFederalemergency.OurTexaschapterassembledandisdoingworkforcharity.The
boxer’sdonatingabunchofmoneyandalloftheirtimetohelpcleanupthemess,sotheywon’tbehere.”
Ipressedmyhandsintomyhipsandsighed,rememberingthenewssegmentontheflooding,“Yeah,Iheardaboutthat.Fuckinghighwayswereunder
water.”
“Well,Ihatetobreakupthislittleparty,butwe’vegottogetthiskidpatchedin.It’lljusttakefifteenminutesorso,thenwe’llallgetbacktogetherandsolvetheworld’sproblems.Soundgood?”Axtonasked.
“Niceseein’yaagain,
Slice,”Teddysaid.
“Slice,”Docnodded.
AxtonshookDoc’shandandturnedaroundtofaceme.
“Youstraight,”Axtonasked.
Inoddedmyhead,“Justworriedabouttheclub.”
Heshruggedhis
shoulders,“Anythingserious?”
Ishookmyhead,“Nothingyouaren’tawareof.”
IknewAxtonhadverylittleuseforCash.AlthoughthebylawsrequiredavotebyallmembersintheclubtoallowCashtobe
patchedin,I’dneverseenanyonedeniedtheirpatchafterprospecting,andIdidn’tsuspectCashwouldbeanydifferentinAxton’seyesthananyoftheotherhalf-assedmemberswe’dallowedintotheclubinthepast,Gunnerincluded.
“Well,letmegetthis
microphoneandmakeanannouncement,”Axtonsaid.
IraisedmyhandstomytemplesandnoddedmyheadasIbegantorubmyfingersagainstthesidesofmyhead.Axtonwalkedtowherethespeakerswerepositionedbehindthehouse.Betweenthespeakers,an
amplifier,stereoequipment,andamicrophonesatontopofatable.AsImadeeyecontactwithSam,ItossedmyheadtowardAxtonandraisedmyrightindexfingertomylips.
Shenoddedherheadinacknowledgement.
“Listenup!”Axton’s
voiceblaredoverthesoundsystem.
“Ineedcompletesilence,people,”hesaidasheraisedhisfreehandintheair.
Afterahalf-minutewait,thesoundfromthelargecrowdwasdowntoadullroar.
“Iappreciateeveryone
comingtocelebrateaprospectbeingpatchedintoourclub,”Axtonsaidintothemicrophone.
“Cashhadbeenahangaroundwiththeclubforaboutsixmonthsbeforebecomingaprospect,andalthoughit’sbeenaroughtwelvemonthsforallofus,
hisyearofprospectingisfinallyover…”
Miscellaneouswhoops,shouts,andamen’scamefromthecrowdasAxtonpaused.
“Sowe’reheretowitnessthisevent,andwatchhimrideamopedaroundthefuckingyardwhilehewearsa
shockcollararoundhisskinnylittleneck,”Axtonchuckledasheraisedtheremotecontrolfortheshockcollarintotheair.
Again,Axtonpaused,allowingseveralshoutsfromthecrowdtobeheardbyeveryone.
“So,withoutfurther
ado,we’llgetbacktoit.ToddParker,knownbytheclubasCash,hasfulfilledhisrequirementofprospectingfortwelvemonths.AllpatchedinSelectedSinnersinfavorofhisadvancementintotheclubandacceptanceasafullypatchedmemberrespondintheformofaye,”
Axtonsaidintothemicrophone.
Thecrowderuptedintoauniversal“Aye.”
Axtonnoddedhishead.
“RequiresaonehundredpercentvotetobeaSinner,anyopposedrespondintheformofnay,”he
shouted.
Iglancedaroundthecrowd.
Silence.
AsAxtonliftedthemicrophonetohismouth,IfixedmyeyesonSam,sighed,andraisedmyhand.
“Nay,”thewordbarelyescapedmymouth.
“Well,itappears…”Axtonbegan,clearlynothavingheardme.
“Nay!”Ishouted.
Axtonloweredthemicrophoneandshiftedhiseyestomeetmine.
“DoIhaveoneopposed?”Axtonasked.
Inoddedmyhead,
“Yesyoudo.Myvoteisnay,”Isaid.
Cash,standingtwentyorsofeetfrommewithhisarmsfoldedinfrontofhischest,droppedhishandstohissidesashiseyeswidened.
“Isthisajoke?”hehollered.
Ishookmyhead.
“Areyoufuckingkidding?”heshouted.
IglancedatSam,shiftedmyeyestowardCash,andshookmyheadagain.
Ashewalkedmydirection,hebegantoexpresshisdispleasureofmyvote.
“I’vebeenlivinginhellfortwelvefucking
monthsforthis.Iwashedbikes.Igotcigarettes.Icleanedtheshop.IgotinfuckingfightswithpeopleIdon’tevenknowfornoreasonotherthanapatchtoldmeto.Thisisfuckingbullshit,andIsayyourvotedoesn’tcount,Otis.I’ve…”
Ishiftedmyfeettothe
sideslightlyandwidenedmystance.Ashecontinuedtoapproachme,Iraisedmyhandsinfrontofmychestandclenchedmyfists.
“Yousee,that’stheproblem.Youhavenorespect,notact,andnoregardforauthorityoranyonewho’syoursenior.Keepwalking
thisdirectionallpuffeduplikethatandI’llknockyourlittleassout,”Igrowled.
Heslowedhiswalk,butcontinuedtoadvanceinmydirectionslowly.
“I’mnotfuckingaround,littleman,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.
Ashecontinuedto
walkmydirection,Axtondroppedthemicrophoneandbegantowalkinhisdirection,morethanlikelytointercepthimbeforehegothurt.
WithToadandBiscuitstandingslightlybehindmetellingmetotakeiteasy,Cashcontinuedto
nonchalantlywalkcloserandcloser,hischestthrustforwardandhisshouldersrolledbackasifhewaspreparedtofight.
“You’reacocksuckingprick,”hesaidashesteppedalmostcloseenoughformetopunch.
“Don’ttakeanother
step,Cash,”Iseethed.
“And...”hesaidashetookthelaststepseparatingus.
Iswiveledmyhipsandswungarightuppercutintohisjaw.NodifferentlythanIwouldhaveguessed,thepunchliftedhimfromhisfeet,andsenthimintoapile
ofmotionlessfleshafewfeetbehindwherehewasstanding.Ashewasnowclearlyunconscious,andinnoneedofmore,ItookastepbackandsighedasIrubbedmyknuckles.
“Didn’tseethatcoming,”Axtonsaid.
“Neitherdidhe,”I
responded.
“No,thevoteinopposition;goodlookingout,”hesaidthroughhisteethasheliftedCash’sshouldersfromtheground.
Sam,nowstandingbehindAxtonasheraisedCashtohisfeet,stoodwithwideeyesandaworriedface,
“Areyouokay?”
“I’mfine.Guesstheparty’sover,”Ishrugged.
AlthoughIfeltmyvoteagainstCash’sacceptanceintotheclubwasinmy-andtheSinners-bestinterest,itdidn’tmakemefeelanybetter.HavingCashdisrespectmeafterwardby
callingmeacocksuckerwasn’ttotallyunexpected,butIdidn’tanticipateiteither.NowfeelinglikeI’druinedalongawaitedparty,Istareddownatthetoesofmybootsandwonderedwhattheremainderofthenightwouldbring.
IwatchedasAxton
helpedCashintothebackdoorofthehouse,followedbyCash’swife.Aftertheydisappearedintothehouse,Axtonemergedandwalkedourdirection.Assoonasitwasclearhewascomingtowherewestood,IfixedmyeyesonSamandtiltedmyheadtotheside.
“GobackoverwithSydandAveryforabit,Sam.I’llcomeovertherehereinafew,okay?”Isighed.
Samwasnostrangertoseeingmefight.Inherpresenceovertheyearsweweretogether,shehadseenmeinnolessthanadozenfights,maybemore.Without
somuchasanounceofargument,sheslowlyturnedaroundandwalkedaway.
“Goddamn,Otis.Sowasthatwhyyouwerelate?Ponderingyourdecision?”Axtonaskedashesteppedinfrontofus.
“No,justwasn’tlookingforwardtosayingit,I
guess.Hell,Iknewallalong–oratleastforthelastfewmonthsanyway–thatIdidn’tlikehisarroganceandattitude,butthedealwithGunnersealeditforme,”Ishrugged,“Wedon’tneedanybodyinthisclubthatisn’tahundredpercent.”
Axtonpursedhislips
andstudiedmeforamoment.“Agreed,”hebreathed.
“Otis,help!”avoicescreamedfrommyleft.
Ispuntowardthevoice.Cash’swifeKarenstoodonthebackporchwavingherarmsandblubbering.
“Help,he’s…”she
shoutedasshepointedtowardthedoor.
IbeganswiftlywalkingtowardthehouseasAxton,ToadandBiscuitfollowed.UponreachingKaren,herblubbering,cryingandwavingherarmsdidlittletoletusknowwhatwasgoingon.Afterpullingthe
dooropenandpointinginside,shecoveredherfacewithherhands.
Afteranaudiblesigh,shepulledherhandsawayfromherfaceandexposedherquiveringlip.
“In…the…kitchen,”shesobbed.
“He’sgot…a…gun,”
shemuttered.
IglancedatAxton,uncertainofwhetherornottoproceed.AsAxtontookadeepbreath,Toadshovedmetotheside,pushedhiswaypastAxton,andsteppedintothehouse.Ashequicklydisappearedtomyleft,Iyankedthedoortotheside
andraninsidethehouse.
“GoddamnitToad,no!”Ishouted,knowinghewouldn’thesitatetotryandtaketheweaponfromCash.
Toadcouldn’tstandtobeshotagain,andalthoughIwassureheknewit,hisprideandeagernesstoresolveproblemswouldn’tprevent
himfromexposinghimselftoharm.AsIfollowedimmediatelybehindToad,AxtonandBiscuitwererightbehindme.
AssoonasIsteppedintothekitchen,Toadstoppedinhistracksandheldhishandtohisside,instructingmetostop.
Cashstoodinthecenterofthekitchen,holdingapistolinhishand,andpointingitathistemple.
“Ain’tgotnothingtosaytoyou,Toad.IwanttotalktoOtis,”Cashsaidinasurprisinglycalmvoice.
“Putthegundown,Cash,”Axtonsaidashe
steppedbesideme.
Cashchuckledandshookhishead,“SorrySlice.Don’twanttotalktoyou,either.”
“Why?’hesaidasheturnedmydirection.
Ishruggedmyshoulders,notknowingexactlywhattosay,
consideringallthings.
“Youhadtohaveareason,”heshrugged.
Inoddedmyheadandswallowedthelumpthatwasquicklyrisinginmythroat.
Stillholdingthepistoltohistemple,hewidenedhiseyes,“Whatwasit?”
“Youweren’tready.
Putthegundownandwe’lldiscussit,”IsaidundermybreathasIraisedbothmyhandintotheair,hopingtocomforthimthatIwasn’ttryingtobeathreat.
Heshookhishead,“Notready?Theyearjustwasn’tenoughforyou,huh?”
“That’snotit.Hell,
Cash,thisisjustproof.Hell,you’reinthekitchenthreateningsuicide.Howstabledoesthatmakeyou?”Iasked.
“Cashplease,”hiswifeweptfrombehindme.
Hiseyeswidenedashetiltedhisheadslightlytothesideandfixedhisgazeon
me.
“Notvery,”hesighed.
Therepercussionfromtheweaponfiringexplodedintotheroom.Thedeafeningsound,dulledslightlyfromthebodiessurroundinghim,pushedpainfullyintomyears.Astheacridtasteofcorditefilledtheair,Karen
screamed,andCashfelltothefloor.
“OhmyGod,no!Callanambulance,”shescreamed.
Iclenchedmyjawmusclesandturnedmyheadtowardthedoorwaybehindme.
Noneedforan
ambulance.
Hewasdeadbeforehehitthefloor.
SAMCash’ssuicideatthepartyhadhitmeprettyhard.ThelocalpoliceinterviewingOtis,Axton,andtherestof
thepeoplewhowereinthehousemademefeelextremelyuneasy.AlthoughIhadn’tsecondguessedmydecisiontobeinarelationshipwithOtis,twosuicides,arandomshooting,andabankrobberyoverthecourseofsixmonthscausedmetowonderjustwhatthe
futuremightbring.
Otisdidn’tseemtobetootroubledbythesuicide.Irealizedwealldealwithdeathandlossinadifferentmanner,butheseemedtobemoreconcernedwiththewelfareofCash’swifethanthefactCashhadcommittedsuicide.
Hewentontoexplainhowhefeltnoguiltwhatsoeverregardingthedeath,andthatCashshootinghimselfwasfurtherproofthathisdecisiontoopposeCash’sacceptanceintotoclubwaswarranted.Cash’sinabilitytohandletheday-to-daypressuresofbeingintheclub,
Otismadeclear,wasprovenbycommittingsuicide.
Ididn’tnecessarilydisagreewithanythinghehadsaid.Itdidn’t,however,maketheentirethinganymoreacceptabletomeasbeingjustanotherdayinthelifeofaSinner’sOl’Lady.Istaredintothebackyardwishingfor
anormallifeandfarlessdrama.
TwocupsofcoffeeintomymorningandIfelthalfsick.Ipushedmycuptothecenterofthetableandheldmyhandafewinchesoverthetopofthetableandattemptedtosteadyit.AsIwatcheditshakingno
differentlythanifIwasarecoveringcrackaddict,Iwonderedifsomethingmightbewrongwithme,orifmynerveswerecontinuingtogetthebestofme.
Myotherwisedramafreelifeofthelastfourteenyearshadbeenfilledwiththedeathofmymother,a
suicide,andmyknowledgeoftheotherthanlegitimateactivitiesofanoutlawmotorcycleclub.Ontheupside,Iguessed,IhadreunitedwiththemanIsodearlyloved,enjoyedtimewithhisparent’s,andmadefriendswithtwowomenwhoIsuspectedwouldbefriends
forlife.Hesitanttonaturallyaccepttheeventsofthelastmonthasbeingpartofmypreferredwayoflivinglife,IfounditmucheasieracceptingthemasbeinganextensionofOtis’life,andthereforeapartofmylifewithhim.
AsIsattherefeeling
significantlymoresatisfiedaboutitthanIhadfeltearlierinthemorning,Istaredatthecupofcoffee,almostrepulsedbythesmellofit.AfterdecidingIwasonthevergeofworryingmyselfsickagain,Idecidedtodumptheremainingcoffeeinthesinkandmakesomethingtoeat.
ThearomaofthewarmcoffeeasIdumpeditintothesinkcausedmetogag,andwithinamoment’stimeIwasrunningtothebathroom.
Idroppedtotheknees,vomitingintothetoiletandontothefloorasIattemptedtopositionmyselfoverthestool.Feelingasif
somethingwasundoubtedlywrongwithmydigestivesystemormynerves,IproceededtovomitthetwocupsofmorningcoffeeIhadjustfinisheddrinking.AfterbeingconvincedIwasdonewiththespectacle,Istoodfromthefloorandcleanedmyfaceinthesink.AsI
brushedmyteeth,Taylorannouncedherconcerns.
“Meow.”
Stillbrushingmyteeth,Iturnedtofaceherandshruggedmyshoulders.
“Meow.”
Irinsedmymouthandturnedaround.
“Iknow.I’vegotto
getahandleonthesenerves.”
“Meow.”
Istaredblanklyather,stillfeelingqueasy.AsIstudiedher,mymindfilledwithmanythoughtsnotallofwhichwereonmylistofpreferredreasonsformyrecentboutsofsickness.Iextendedmyshakinghand,
thoughtofwhatdayIhadarrivedinKansas,andbegantocountweeks,days,andeventsonmyfingers.
Aftercountingandrecounting,Ibitmyquiveringlipandwalkedtothekitchen.Afteropeningmypurseandstaringintoitforalongmoment,myheadbeganto
spinagain.
Thiscan’tbe.Irecountedthedays
onmyfingersandstareddownatthefloor.
“Meow.”
“Shhh,I’mthinking.”
There’snoway.“Meow.”
Iclutchedmypurseinmyhandandstumbledblindlytowardthedoor.Ifmymathwascorrect,I’dneedtodosomethingquicklyandwithoutanyoneknowingaboutit.
HavingOtisinmylifewasthebestthingtoeverhappentome.
AndIwasn’tabouttochancelosinghim.
Notagain.
OTISAxtonlookedupfromhisledgerandclosedthecover.Ihadsatquietlyashefinishedrecitinghisaccountofthe
patchinpartyintothebook.Acreatureofhabit,andamethodicaloneatthat,AxtonkepttrackofallofthemajorhighlightsofhislifeasaSinner,anddidsoinwritingforfuturereference.Morethantenyearsofactivities,stories,events,andstrangehappeningswereexplainedin
detailinthemanyleatherboundbooks,butonlyinamannerthatmadesensetoAxton.Somemightcallhimparanoid,otherswoulddescribehimascautious,andaselectfewbelievedhewasnothingshortofagenius.
Me?
HewasjustAxton,
thepresidentoftheclub.
“KindofnicehavingSamaroundagain,”hesaidasheslidthebooktohisside.
“Realnice,”Iresponded.
“So,Averysaysshe’smovingback?”heaskedashestood.
Iwidenedmyeyesin
acknowledgementasIliftedthebottleofbeertomylips.Afteralongdrink,Istoodfrommyseatandturnedtofacethedoor.
“Yeah.Probablygohelphergethershitloadedintoatruck;mighttaketheToadandBiscuitwithme.Theydon’tknowityet,”I
saidovermyshoulderasIopenedtheofficedoor.
“Ifyou’regettinganother,besureandleavethatstinkingmotherfuckerintheshop,”AxtonsaidasIwalkedintothehallway.
Noshit.
Itossedtheemptybeerintothetrashcanand
walkedtothefridge.Afterpulledtwomorebottlesfromtheshelfandopeningone,Iturnedtowardthehallwayandliftedthebottletomymouth.AsIwalkedtotheoffice,ItookaslowdrinkofthecoldbeerandthoughtofmyfuturewithSam,andjustwhatitmightincludelong
term.AlthoughsheandIhadn’tspokenaboutit,Isuspectedassoonasshereturnedwe’denduplivingtogether.
SomethingIhadn’tgivenamoment’sthoughttointhelastdecadeandahalf,Inowfeltalmostobligatedtodoso–allowingusto
becomeasclosetoaconventionalcoupleasIwasable.AxtonsatatthetablereadingfromtheledgerasIwalkedin,butclosedthebookandshoveditasideasIsatdown.
“Everythingintherethatneedstobe,”Iasked.
Henoddedhishead
andpattedhishandonthetopofthebook,“Lookslikeit.JustmakingsureIhadeverything.Everythingalright?”
“Yep.Golden.”
“Well,reasonI’maskingisyou’retwo-fistingthebeerstonightandit’smid-fucking-week.Justwondering
ifeverythinginyourworld’sgood,”heaskedasheleanedforwardandrestedhiselbowsontheedgeofthetable.
“It’snotyourfault,youknow,”hesighed.
Irolledmyeyesasthecornerofmymouthcurledintoasmirk.“Ohshit,I’mnotworriedaboutthat.”
“TellyouwhatItoldSam.Thatfuckershootinghimselfprovidedsupportofmythoughtsthathewasn’tgoingtobeabletohandlebeingaSinner.Hewasweak,”IsaidasItiltedtheneckofmybeerbottletowardhim.
“Don’tdisagree,”he
nodded.
IgazeddownatmybottleofbeerasIspoke,wonderingifwhatIwasgoingtosaywouldmakeasmuchsensecomingoutofmymouthasitdidrattlingaroundinmyhead,“IthinkGunnerandtheentireATFthingmighthavemademea
littlemorecautiousaboutwhoweletinthisclub,Ax.It’sourclubyouknow.It’sourfuckingresponsibilitytokeepit…well…youknowwhatImean.Thisplace,thisclub,it’smyfamily.Anditisn’teveryonethatgetstopickwho’sintheirfamily.Thefactwegettoshould
meanwe’vegotnothingbutagoodsolidbunchofbrothers.”
Heleanedawayfromthetableandcrossedhisarms.
“Twoweeksago,Iwouldhavebetfoldingmoneywehadthebestbunchofhand-pickedfellasin
existence.Now,I’mprettysurewe’vegotitwhittleddowntowhereitneedstobe.AndI’vegottoagreewithyouonGunner,I’mstillnervousaboutthat.”
Ipickedupmybottleofbeer,tookaslowdrink,andgazedhisdirectionasIletthebottledanglefrommy
thumbandforefinger.
Hiseyeswidenedslightlyasheclearedhisthroat.
“So,something’seatingatyou.What’sgoingon?”heasked.
“DoyouloveAvery?”IaskedasIgazeddownatthebottledanglingfrommy
fingers.
Hecoughedalaughandslappedhishandlightlyagainstthetable.
“WhatthefuckdoesthathavetodowiththepriceofriceinChina?”heasked.
Iliftedthebottletowardmylips,paused,andallowedittodanglebesidein
frontofmymouth.
“Comeon,Ax.Weain’tsittinghereSliceandOtis.ThisisSteveandAxtonfrombackintheday-thesametwomotherfuckerswhousedtowalktoschooltogethereverydayandhaverockkickingcontestsontheway.Doyouloveher?”I
askedoverthetopofthebottle.
“That’sagoodquestion.Ioughttocomebackandaskyoutodefinelove,but…”hepausedashebegantorockbackandforthinhischair.
“Idoloveher.Maynotbeinthesamewayyou
loveyoumotherandfather,butit’slove,that’sforsure.Hardformetoexplain,brother,”hesighed.
AsIexhaledandleanedforward,heraisedhisindexfingerintheairtostopmefromspeaking.
“Here’sthedeal.Ican’tfuckingimagine,no
matterhowhardItry–andbelieveme,I’vetried–livinglifewithoutherinit.Thisstaysrighthere,”hesaidashepointedhisfingerbackandforthbetweenus.
“Noshit?”Ichuckled.
Heclaspedhishandsbehindhisheadandleanedbackinhischair.Ashis
mouthcurledintothefirstsmileI’dseenonhisfaceinquitesometime,hebegantospeak.
“Justmakingsurewewereonthesamepage.ButI’lltellya,ifthatgirleverleftme?Shit.NotonlywouldIbedonewithwomen,I’mafraidI’dbedonelivinglife
altogether.Justwatchingherwalkaroundthehousesatisfiestheabsolutefuckoutofme.Ikeepwaitingforhertodosomethingstupid,andthedaynevercomes.Shekeepsmeyoung,keepsmehappy,andmakesmethinktwiceaboutmostofthedecisionsI’dhavenevereven
thoughtaboutayearago.It’sloveforsure,butit’shardtoexplain,brother.Hardtoexplain.”
“Well,youjustdidaprettygoodjobofit.Makessensetome,anyway.IneverreallytalkedabouthowIfelt,exceptyouknowhowIusedtofeel.FarasIcanfigure,I
neverfelloutoflovewithSam.Youknow,youandIbeensingleforfuckingeveruntilnow.Most1%ershavehalfadozenbitchesthey’refucking.Youandme?Shit,forthelasttenyearsweain’thadonebitchonourarm.BeentellingyouandeventellingmyselfIcouldn’ttrust
‘em.Well,beinghonestaboutit,I’dcomparedeverybitchwhoevenlookedatmetoSam.Nobodymeasuredup.Andnow?Cometofindoutshe’sbeensingleforthelasttenyearsorso,andshe’sfeltthesameway.It’slikedestinyorsomeshit,”Ishrugged.
Heraisedoneeyebrowandforcedacough,“Destiny?”
Ifinishedmybeer,openedthesecondbottleandtookasip.Icuppedmyhandsaroundthecoldglass,hesitated,andthenraisedmycoolhandstomycheeks.
“Yeah.Destiny,”I
grinned.
“Yougoofyson-of-a-bitch.You’reinlovelikeafuckingteenager.Lookatyou.Goddamn,neverthoughtI’dseeit,”hechuckledasheleanedforward.
Iloweredmyhandsfrommycheeks,realized
whatIhaddone,andshruggedmyshoulders.
“Youknow,aboutyoutwobeingapartforsolong,”hepausedandraisedhisrighthandtohischin.
Asherubbedhischininhispalm,hecontinued,“Beinginseparabledoesn’tdefinetruelove.Being
separatedandhavingnothingchangebetweenyou,however,does.”
Inoddedmyheadandthoughtforalongmomentwithoutresponding.Itrulylikedwhathehadsaid,andIfeltitappliedtoSamandmewithoutquestion.
“Hell,there’snothing
wrongwithbeinginlove.Therightwomanwillmakeamanabetterperson.Findingheristhetoughpart.Inthiscase,youdidn’thavetofindher.Nothingchangedbetweenyoutwoandallyouhadtodowasadmitit,”hesaidasheturnedhispalmsupward.
“Somethinglikethat.Ireallywantedtomakesureyouwereokaywitheverything,mebeingtieddownwithanOl’Ladyandall,”Isaidundermybreath.
Helaughedoutloudforasecondandnoddedhishead.
“I’mfinewithit,
brother.LikeIsaid,therightwomanwillmakeyoubetter.Foryou,findingtherightonewouldhavebeenextratough.Itain’teverywomanwho’llletamanfuckherinin-schooldetentionwhentherearethreeotherkidsinthere,”hesaidwithalaugh.
Inarrowedmygaze
andwrinkledmynoseslightly,“Yourememberedthat?”
Heshookhisheadashiseyesrolledbackslightly,“Rememberit?HellOtis,forusnormalmotherfuckers,it’shardtoforgetshitlikethat.Yeah,Irememberedit.Everykidinschoolprobablydoes
too.I’mguessingshe’sstillthatway?”
Ithoughtofthenightinthebotanicalgardensandbegantolaugh.
“Justbetweenyouandme?”Iasked.
“Inyourownwords,noshit,”helaughedashecrossedhisarmsinfrontof
hischest.
“FuckedherinBotanicatheothernight.GotsomekidwhowaswanderingaroundtocomeholdherdownonaconcretebenchwhileIfuckedher,”IsaidasIslappedthetipsofmyfingersagainstthetable.
“You’refucking
shittin’me?”hegasped.
Ishookmyhead,“Nope.”
“Goddamn,Otis.Justsomefuckingweirdowanderingthroughthefuckingflowergarden?YouwalkuptohimandtellthispoorfuckeryouneedhimtoholdyourOl’Ladydownso
youcanporkher?JesusHChrist,”hechuckled.
“Kindof,yeah.Hadtothreatenhimwithanasswhippin’togethimtodoit,”Ishrugged.
“Goddamn.Well,how’ditpanout?Didshelikeit?”heaskedheshookhisheadindisbelief.
“Lovedit.Hell,shecan’tquittalkingaboutit,”Iresponded.
“Well,thereyougo.LikeIsaid,it’slove.Fuck,youmayberightbrother,it’sprobablythatfuckingthingyoucalldestiny,”hesaidashewidenedhiseyes.
“Mightbe,”Isighed
asIstoodfrommyseat.
“Sowhatdidwelearnfromallthis?”heaskedashestood.
“Justwantingtoletyouknowshe’sgoingtobearound,andmakesureyouwerealrightwithitall,”IsaidasIliftedthebottleofbeertomymouth.
“AndifIwasn’t?”heasked.
Idranktheremainingbeer,reachedfortheotherempty,andwalkedtothedoor.AsIreachedforthehandle,Iglancedovermyshoulder.
“Youprobablydon’twanttoknow,”Iresponded.
Hecrossedhisarmsandswallowedheavily.
“IthinkIalreadydo,”henodded.
Iopenedthedoorandsteppedintothehallway.AsItossedthebottlesintothetrash,thesoundofAxton’sdistantvoicefilteredoutintotheshop.
“TellherIsaidhello…”
Willdo,Axton.Willdo.
SAMMakinglifealteringdecisionswithouttheassistanceoforreassurancefromothersisdifficult.Copingwiththe
falloutofatoughdecisionisalwayseasierifsomeoneclosetoyouhelpedyoumakeit.Themajorityofmychoicesinadulthoodweremadewhiletalkingtomymotheroverthephone.Nolongerhavingthatluxuryforcedmetolookelsewhereforsupport,andluckilyI
didn’thavetolookfar.HavingSydneyandAveryasfriendswassomethingIwastrulygratefulfor,andthetimehadcomeformetotesttheirabilitytostandupwithmeinthemosttryingoftimes.
“Justletmefinishbeforeyouguysstart,”Isaid
throughmyshakinglowerlip.
IfeltsurprisinglycalmconsideringhowI’dfeltearlier.FeelingasifIwaseitherfarmorecomfortablewiththedecisionthatIexpectedmyselftobe,orIwassimplyinshock,Iinhaledashallowbreath,clutchedmypurse,and
exhaled.
“I’mpregnant,and…”
“OhmyGod,congratulations!”Averyshouted.
“Thisissoexciting,”Sydneysaidassheclappedherhandstogether,“CambioandIhavebeentalkingandhewaswantingto…”
Iraisedmyrighthandintheairtostopthemfromcontinuing,andbegantosob.Afterwhatseemedlikeseveralminutesofsobbing,Iwipedmyfacefreeofthetearsandattemptedtocatchmybreath.
“Sorry,IthoughtIwasdonecrying,”Imuttered
asIglancedup.
TheybothsatstaringatmeasifnotknowingforsurewhattosayorwhyIwascrying.Itwasobvioustome,andprobablyprettyobvioustothemthetearswerenottearsofjoy,butuglytears.
“Thisconversationstayshere,”Isaidflatly.
Bothwomengrinnedandshruggedtheirshoulders.
“Okay?”
“Yeah.Noproblem,”Sydneygrinned.
“I’mwaiting,”Averysaidassheturnedherpalmsup.
“I’mjustgoingtocutrighttoit,”Isighed.
Talkfast,Sam.Justsayit.
Ibittheedgeofmylowerlipandspokethroughmyteeth,“Ineedtogetanabortion.”
AsIexpected,bothwomen’seyeswidened.Averygaspednodifferentlythanifshe’dwitnesseda
murder.Sydneycoveredherfacewithherhandsandattemptedtohideherfeelings,butnothingcoulddisguisethem.Herfaceclearlysaidwhathermouthdidnot.
“Why?”Averyaskedunderherbreath,“Anabortion?”
Inoddedmyhead,“It’stheonlyanswer.”
Iclutchedmypurseandcontinued,“Idon’tknowifyouknowitornot,buttheentirereasonwebrokeupbeforewasovermewantingkids.Hedidn’t.Heenjoysthefreedomofbeingfree.Idotoo.Itdoesn’tmatter,ifhe
findsout,he’lleitherkillmeorleaveme.IknowOtis.Ican’tlosehim.Notagain.”
“Hedoesn’tknow?”Averyhissedasshefoldedherarmsinfrontofherchestandthrustherselfintotherearofthebooth.
Ishookmyhead,“Thisisn’teasy.Itreally…”
“Tellhim,”Averydemanded.
Ipulledmypursetomychestandhelditclose,“Ican’t.Youdon’tunderstand.”
“Youoweittohim,”shesnappedback.
IglancedatSydney.Withherfacestillcontorted,clearlyexpressinghorrific
shockandsorrow,sheattemptedtocoveritwithherhandswhileshelistened.IshiftedmyeyestowardAvery.
“Ineed…Ineedhiminmy…inmylife.Ican’tlivewithout…him.Ilovehim,”IsaidasIfoughtbacktears.
“Ifyoulovehim,tell
him,”shebegged,“Youmightbesurprised.”
“Youmightbesurprised.Ifhedidn’tkillme,he’dleavemeforsure.Heleftmeoverthemerementionofkids.Anactualchildwouldsendhimrunning.Hell,you’dprobablyneverseehimagain,”Iexplained.
“Youwerewhat,twenty-oneyearsold?”sheasked.
InoddedmyheadasIcontinuedtohugmypurse.
“Sixteenyearsago.Peoplemature,thingschange.Tellhim,”shesaidassheleanedforward,restingherarmsontheedgeofthetable.
“Hismindhasn’tchanged.Iassureyou.I’msorry,Idon’twanttoargue.Ijustneedsupportrightnow,”Isaidundermybreath.
Averycrossedherarmsandsettledagainstthebackofthebooth.IshiftedmyeyestoSydney,whohadfinallyuncoveredherface
andwaswipingtearsfromherface.
“Uhhm,Icouldtalkto…Iwas…”shemuttered.
Sheshookherheadandclearedherthroatasshewipedhereyesagainsttheheelsofherpalms.
“IthinkCambioandIwouldbewillingtoadoptthe
baby.I’dhavetotalktohim,butlet’sjustgowithit’sayes,atleastfornow.Imeanifyoudon’twantitforsure,”shemurmured.
Ipushedmypurseontotheedgeofthetableandshookmyhead,“We’regoingthewrongdirection.I’mnotkeepingthisbaby.”
“Don’tkillit,”Sydneycried.
“It’snotkillinganything,Sydney.Really,itisn’tevenababyyet,”Isnapped.
Shenoddedherheadasshebegantocry.Assheworkedherselfintoafullblownsob,shecoveredher
facewithherhandsandspokethroughthegapsinherfingers.
“Yesitis…”sheblubbered.
“It’spartofyou…”
“Andit’spartof…him.”
Sheslidherhandsagainstherfaceand
attemptedtowipethetearsaway,“Howaboutwaiting?”
Icouldn’tbelievemyears.Iexpectedthemtoprovidesupport-maybenotbothofthem-butatleastone.Iwentintothebarwithvisionsofoneofthemtakingmetotheabortionclinic,andholdingmyhandthroughit
all,makingmefeelbetteraboutthedecision.Afterward,itwouldbeasecretthethreeofusshared,andtooktoourgraves.OtisandIlivinghappilyeverafterwouldstandasproofthatthedecisionwemadewastherightchoice,andthethreeofuswouldberemindedofit
everydaythatheandIlivedinourstateoftruelove.
Istoodfrommyseat.Averycontinuedtositinthebooth,armscrossed,glaringatme.
“Sonosupportfromeitherofyouonthis?”IaskedasIclutchedmypursetightly.
Sydneystood.
Averyglared.
AndIbegantocry.
OTISIhadn’tspokenwithSaminovertwenty-fourhours,andIhadnotseenherinpersonsincethepatchinparty.Two
tripstohermother’shousesincethepartyproducednothing,andnowshewasn’tansweringtextsorcalls.IconsideredthedeathofCash,andhowitmayhavehadaneffectonher.Althoughsheseemedtotakethelossofhermotherverywell,Cash’sdeathmayhavebeenenough
tocausehertogointoarecessionofsorts.Frustratedbeyondcompareandfeelingquitehelpless,Isatonbenchinhermother’sbackyardandwaited.
Wehadspentmanyanightinthebackyard,andIalwaysenjoyedthesmelloftheflowers.AfterSamandI
parted,thesmellofanytypeofflowersalwaysseemedtobringthoughtsofherbacktotheforefrontofmymind.Now,sittingamidsttheveryyardwegrewupenjoying,Iwasfeelingemptyandheartbroken.
OtherthanhergoingbacktoSt.Louisandpossibly
havingsecondthoughtsofusremainingtogether,Icouldcomeupwithnoreasonforhertobegone.AsIglancedaroundtheyardandmadenoteofthechangeshermotherhadmadesinceI’dseenitlast,Ibegantoconsiderotherpossibilities.
Kidnapping.
Murder.
Carwreck.Anotherrelationship.
Marriage.
Mymindbegantospinincircles.IwonderedifitwaspossiblethattheATFhadherinforquestioning,buthadnoideaofhowtofindoutiftheydid.Aftermuch
thought,IdecidedI’ddrivetowhereverGunnerwasandthreatenhimuntilhetoldmeeverythingheknew.
Igazedbeyondtheflowers,shrubberyandtreesintothecorneroftheyard.Thesmallyellowbuildinghermotherhousedhertoolsinwasstillinthecornerofthe
yard.Askids,weusedtohideinthelittleshackandmakeout,oftenkissingforhoursandhours,notnecessarilyknowing-orbeingafraidtogoforward–withwhatthenextstepwas.
Icherishedthosedays.Theinnocenceofusboth.Kissinguntilourjaws
weretired,ridingmybikehomeafterward,filledwithafeelingthatnothingornooneprovidedmesince.AfterI’dgethome,I’dlieinbedandrubmylipsasIcountedthehoursuntilwe’dbeabletokissheragain.
LovingSamwasn’tadecisionImade,itwas
somethingthatsimplyhappened.EvenbeforeIkissedherthefirsttime,Iknew.TheaffectionIfeltforherwasevenmoreapparenteverytimewewereapart,asIwouldacheforhertoreturn.Whenweweretogether,thepainwoulddisappear,onlytoreturnagainassoonaswe
separated.
Afterourfirstkissnothingchanged-exceptthelevelofpainIfeltwhenwewereapart.Beingawayfromherafterthefirsttimewemadelovewasnothingshortofimpossible,andwequicklybecameinseparablefollowingthememorableevent.We
remainedateachother’ssidesuntiltheend.
IshiftedmyeyesfromtheshacktotheyardandglancedaroundattheflowersasIstood.Theyardwaswherewebeganourrelationship,hadourfirstkiss,andalsowheretherelationshipended.AsI
staredblanklyatthemixtureofcolorsandthecontrastofitall,Ifelttheironyinmystandingintheyardonceagain,feelingasifsomethingchangedbetweenus.
AlthoughIhadnoideawhatcausedthechange,ithurt,andithurtdeeply.Lovingsomeonehasthe
abilitytoprovidethegreatestdegreeofpleasureorthedeepestfeelingofindescribablepain.Whichyoureceiveisdeterminedbywhetherornotthesamelevelofloveyou’regivingisreturned.
Andrightnow,Iwasreceivingnothinginreturn.
SAMThethoughtoflosingOtisweighedheavyonmyheart.Mydecisiontohaveanabortionhadbeenmade,and
Ifelttherewasnootherwaytoproceedlivinglifewithoutgoingthroughwithit.Doingitwithoutthesupportofsomeoneelse-asmuchashatedadmittingit-wasmoredifficultthanIwouldhaveeverexpected.
Isatwithmyheadinmyhandsandcried,knowing
Iwasgoingtogothroughthepain,feelingsofemptiness,andsecondguessingthedecisionentirelyfortherestofmylife.
Alone.
BeingwithOtisagainprovidedmewiththegreatestgiftIcouldhaveeverexpected.Lovinghim,and
notwonderingifIwasbeinglovedinreturn–butknowing–elevatedmeontoaplatformIhadneverhadthepreviousluxuryofbeingupon.FromthereIfeltasifIlookeddownupontheotherwomenintheworld,knowingtheywouldneverhavewhatIwassofortunatetopossess.
Amanwhonaturallyandwithoutanyeffort–lovedtheminreturn–forthelovetheyprovidedhim.
Iwipedmyeyesandgazedoutthewindowwithunfocusedeyes.AsmysideontheconsoleofthecarsattheonlyotheroptionIfeltIhad.
Abutcherknife.
InthefourdayssinceIfoundoutIwaspregnantsomethinginmechanged.AsmuchasIwantedtoremainwithOtisfortherestofmylife,thethoughtofhavingthebabythatwasgrowinginsideofmeeliminatedwhatwasbecomingmoreandmore
difficulttoacceptasbeingtherightchoice.IfIwantedtostaywithOtis,Iknewitwastheonlychoice,butitdidn’tnecessarilymakeittherightchoice.
Committingsuicideinitiallyseemedtobeafar-fetchedanswertoadesperatecryforhelp.Astimepassed
andthepainworsened,Ifeltitwasalittlemoreviableofanoption.IfIcoulddevelopthecouragetodoso,itwouldallowmetoleavethisworldwithmybaby,withOtisstilllovingme,andmewithoutadoubtcontinuingtolovehim.
Iwonderedwhentheyfoundmewhattheywould
think.IfAveryandSydney,afteritwasallover,wouldtellOtiswhathadhappened,oriftheywouldrefrainfromtellinghim,causinghimtowonderifitwassomethinghedid,said,ordidn’tdoorsay.Causinghimpainwasn’tanythingIwantedtodo,butthepainIwasfeelingwasn’t
anythingIcouldcontinuetolivewith.
Notformuchlonger.
Iclosedmyeyesandclutchedmychest.Thepainwasalmostunbearable.
ContinuingtolivewiththelevelofpainIwasfeelingwouldbeimpossible.Ineededtodosomething,and
Ineededtodoitfast.Thepainwassmotheringme.
IclosedmyeyesandwishedOtiswasholdingmeinhisarms.Tofeelhisarmsaroundmeagainwouldsoothethepain,andmakeeverythingbetter.Iswallowedheavily,pressedmyclenchedfistsagainstmy
chest,andclutchedmypurse.Afterafewminutesofrockingbackandforthintheseat,nothingchanged.
Iopenedmyeyes,glancedoutthewindow,shiftedmyeyestotheconsole,andturnedtowardthewindowagain.Thepaincontinuedtoworsen.
Iglancedattheconsoleandclosedmyeyes.ForalongmomentIallowedmyselftodriftofftoalandwhereOtisandIranthroughafieldofflowers,holdingourchild’shandsinours,laughingandlovingeachotherastheflowersbeatagainstourwrists.
Iinhaledashallowbreaththroughmynose.Theunmistakablescentoflilacfilledmynostrils.
Iopenedmyeyesandgazedattheknife.
Mydecisionwasmade.
OTIS“Itcouldbealotofthings,brother.Don’tjumptoconclusions.YouknowwhatIsayaboutthewordassume
don’tyou?Makesanassofyouandme,”Axtonsaidasheturnedtowardthekitchen.
“When’sshegoingtobehere?”IhuffedasIglancedatmywatch.
“HerandToad’sOl’Ladyareontheirwaybacknow.Thereprobablyatthatlittlestretchofhighway
betweenWichitaandherewherethere’snoservice.She’llbehereinabit.Wantoneofherbeers?”heaskedasheopenedtherefrigerator.
“Sure,”IsighedasIsatdown.
“GoodnewsaboutGunnerthough,”Axtonsaidashehandedmeabottleof
Red’sAppleAle.
Igazedatthebottleandshookmyhead,“Yeah.Hardtobelievehe’sgoingtospendthirteenmonthsinthejoint.Goodfortheclubthough.”
“What’shardtobelieveisthatithappenedsofast,”Axtonsaidashesat
downacrossfromme.
Itookadrinkofthebeer,wincedfromthetaste,andstareddownatthebottle.AsIlookedup,IbegantoexplainwhatGunnerhadtoldme.
“Hesaidherefusedtotestify,andtheyhadaspecialhearingwithamagistrate.In
thehearinghesaidhe’dmisplacedafewcrucialreports.Hedidn’ttellthemtheywerecrucial,buthesaidtheywouldimplicateusinafewthings.Anyway,afterthemissingreportsandhisstatementofnowrongdoingsonourpartwhileunderoath,theyaskedhimtoreconsider
andgavehimafewdaystochangehisstory.Hewentbackinforthesecondhearing,”Ipausedandtookanotherdrinkofthesweetale.
“Andafterhesaidthesamething,theythreatenedhimwithobstructionofjusticeandtamperingwith
evidence.Hewaivedhisrighttoajurytrial,pleadguilty,andtheysentencedhimthenextdayatwhathecalledabenchtrialasanexampletootherATFagents.Hesaidhe’sgottosurrendertoUSMarshalsinabout30days.”
“Andyousayheshowedyouallofthisonthe
computer?”Axtonshrugged.
Inoddedmyhead,“OntheUSAttorney’sofficialwebsite.Theylistallcrimesandsentencingthereasadeterrent.Yeah,it’srightthere.Losthisjob,pension,everything…”
“Iguesseverybodyhasajobtodo,justwishhis
jobdidn’tincludefuckingwithus,”Axtonsaidasheliftedthebottleofwatertohismouth.
Ifeltnervousandsick.IthadbeentwodayssincewehadspokenandfourdayssinceI’dseenher.Nomatterwhatwasbehindthis,nothinggoodcouldcomeof
it.NodifferentlythananyotherSinner,IrefusedtotalktoanyoneaboutmyproblemsotherthanAxton.AdmittingtotheothermenthatIhadaproblemorthatIwasinpain,especiallyasaresultofawoman,wouldmakemeappearweakandincapable.
Idranktheremaining
beerandpushedthebottlebetweenmythighs.GoingtoAxton’shousewasn’tsomethingInormallydid,andforwhateverreason,Ihadalwaysperceivedhishomeasbeingofflimits.Tohim,itwasasacredplace,andIrealizedthatabouthim.Ourdiscussionsgenerallywenton
intheshoporofficeattheclubhouse,orsomeotherremotelocation.Sittinginhischairandtalkingtohimwasanotherreminderofthefactthatmylifewasinshambles.IfeltlikeIwasatafuneralofanuncleIdidn’tknow,andinahouseIwasunfamiliaranduncomfortablewith.
“Yeah,”Isighed.asIstood.
“Whereyouwantthis?”IaskedasIheldthebottleatarms;length.
“Garage,”hesaidashepointedtothegaragedoor.
AsIopenedthedoortothegarage,theunmistakablesoundofacar
inthedrivewaycaughtmyattention.Itossedthebottleinthetrash,walkedtothekitchen,andgrabbedanotherbeerfromthefridge.Eagertotakemysearchtothenextstep,andhopingforamiracle,Iwalkedintothelivingroomandsatdown.
“Gotanotherbeer,”I
saidasIraisedthebottle.
Axtonshookhishead,“Takeasmanyasyouwant,brother.”
Averywalkedinthroughthefrontdoor,andalthoughshecouldclearlyseemybikeinthedriveway,didlittletodisguisehershockofseeingmeinthelivingroom.
ItwasobvioustomeeitherAxtonhadsaidsomethingtoheraboutmyconcerns–whichIseriouslydoubted–orsheknewsomethingaboutSam’disappearance.
AsIanxiouslywaitedforhertositdown,Axtonstoodandspoke.
“Otishassome
concernsaboutSam.Wanttocomeinandtalk?”heasked.
“Sure,Uhhm.Letmegetabeer,”sheresponded.
Aftergettingabeerfromthefridge,shecameinthelivingroomandsatcross-leggedonthefloorbesideAxton’schair.AftertakingafewsipsfrommybeerasI
studiedher,Iproceededwithcaution.
“WhenwasthelasttimeyoutalkedtoSam?”Iasked.
“Beenafewdays,Isuppose,”sheshrugged.
“Doyouremembertheexactday?”Iasked.
Shetookadrinkof
beer,gazingatmeoverthetopofthebottleasshedidso.Afterloweringthebottletoherlap,sheinhaled,exhaled,andtookanotherdrink.
“Daybeforeyesterday,”shesighed.
“Really?Whattimeofdaywasit?”Iasked.
Sheshruggedher
shoulders,“Idon’tknow.Eveningtime.Weallhadadrinkatthebar,herandSydandme.”
“Evening,huh?Yousureitwasthedaybeforeyesterday?”IaskedasItriedtopiecetogetheratimeline.
ItwouldhavebeenthedayafterItalkedtoSam
last,andifAvery’srecollectionwascorrect,thefactSamtalkedtoheraftertalkingtome-andhadnottalkedtomesince-botheredme.
Shestaredblanklybeyondmeforamoment,shiftedherfocustome,andresponded.
“Yeah,I’msure,”shesighed.
“Whatwasgoingon?”Iasked.
“Idon’tknow,”sheshrugged,“Wewerejusthavingadrink.”
Irolledmyeyes,feelingasifIwasJack’sattorneyattemptingtopry
informationfromtheATFagentincourt.Aftertakinghalfofthebottleofbeerinonegulp,Istoodandbeganpacingtheroom.
“Didshecallyouandwanttogettogether?”Iasked.
“Yeah,shedid,”sheresponded.
Iturnedaround,frustratedbythelackofinformationAverywasproviding.AsIstoodandglaredather,IrealizedIhadn’treallyexplainedthenatureofmyquestionaskingsession.Afterdrainingtheremainingbeerfromthebottle,Isighedand
continued.
“Look,Sam’smissing.NobodyknowshermorethanIdo,nobody,andthisisn’tlikeheratall.Youwerethelastonetotalktoher,andanythingyoucansaythat’llhelpme,I’dappreciate.What’dyouguystalkabout?”Iasked.
Sheuncrossedherlegsandstood.Stillholdingthebottleinherhand,shecrossedherarmsandstudiedme.
“Look,shetalkedaboutalotofthings.Ican’treallysay,”shesaidflatly.
“Whatdoyoumeanyoucan’tsay?She’smissing,
Avery.Missing.Ineedtofindher.Helpmeout,”Isaidthroughmyteeth.
“Look,”shesaidassheturnedtowardAxton.
Sheshiftedhereyestomeetmineandsighed,“Ifanyoneknowsandrespectsit,itshouldbeyoutwo.Sheaskedmenottosay,andI’m
notsaying.”
Axtonstoodfromhisseatandturnedtofaceher,placinghisarmonhershoulderashedid.
“Anythingyoucansaymighthelp,anythingatall,”hesaid.
Asshebegantospeak,hervoicefilledwith
emotionandbegantofalter,“AndIcan’tsayanything.It’snodifferent…nodifferentthaneitherofyounot…uhhm…notdiscussingclubbusinesswith…youknow…justanyone.You’reswornto…uhhm…secrecy.Well,respectthefact…thatIamtoo.”
“Avery,”Ibegantobeg.
Shewavedherarmsinfrontofherchest,sloshingbeerontothecarpetasshedidso,“No!Answerthis,Otis.DidyoutellanyoneaboutmeshootingthoseguysthatnightwegotrobbedinMexicantown?”
Ishookmyhead,clearlyseeingwhereshewasheaded,“Nope.”
“Alrightthen.Andyoudidn’tbecauseyou’resworntosecrecy.ItoldherIwouldn’t…”
Andshelosthercomposureandbegantocry.Astheliftedherhandtoher
faceandbegantowipethetears,sheturnedaway.Axtonreachedforhershoulderjustasshestompedherfoot.
“Godfuckingdamnyou,Otis,”sheshoutedasherfoothitthefloor.
“Godfuckindamnyou,”sherepeatedasheturnedaround.
Iclaspedmypalmstogetherasifpraying,“What?DidIdosomething?Comeon,Avery.”
Shecaughtherbreath,inhaled,andafterafewseconds,exhaledloudly.Asshenoddedherhead,myheartsankandthepitofmystomachfeltlikeastonehad
beendroppedintoit.
“Ican’ttellyouwheresheis,”shesaidassheexhaledagain.
“BecauseIdon’tknow.AndIuhhm…Ican’ttellyouwhatshesaid,”shepausedandhandedAxtonherbottleofbeer.
Assherubbedher
handsagainstthethighsofherjeans,shecontinued,“BecauseIsaidIwouldn’t.”
“Butifyouknowherlikeyousayyoudo,maybeyou’llfindher.Ifyouwereher,”shepausedandinhaledsharply.
“Andyouhadadecisiontomakethatno
womaneverwantstohavetofuckingmake,”shebegantocryagain,andcoveredherfaceasshedid.
Sheremovedherhandsfromherfaceandtalkedthroughthetearsandsobbing,“Andthatdecision,Otis,thatfuckingdecision…”
“It’sgottodo…it’s
gottodowithbothofyou.Andshe’s…she’sscared,Otis.She’sscaredyou’lluhhm…scaredyou’llleaveherifyoufindout,”sheblubbered.
Mymindracedinamilliondifferentdirections.Confusedandsickandtiredofthegames,lackof
information,andangrywiththefactAverywouldn’tsimplytellmewhatIneededtoknow,Isearchedmy,mindforanswerswhilesheattemptedtocatchherbreath.
“Becauseyoualready…”shecried.
“Leftheronceforit…”
AndIknew.
“Motherfucker!”IshoutedasIturnedandstompedtowardthedoor.
“Otis,”Axtonsighedloudlyfrombehindme.
AsIrodethroughtheyard,overthecurb,andintothestreet,IsawAxtonhoponhisbike.Itdidn’tmatter,he
hadnoideawhereIwasgoing,andtherewasnowayhecouldevercatchmetofindout.
OTISIpulledmybiketotheedgeoftheroadandstopped,knowingitwouldnevermakeitdownthehillandtowhereI
neededtogo.Therestofthetripwouldbeonfoot.Althoughitwasoutofmyview,IfeltcertainIwaswhereIneededtobe.
Isteppedovertheseatofthebike,reachedinmypocket,andgrabbedmykeys.AsIstuckthekeyintotheignitionandlockedthebike,
thebrasskeychainRipphadgivenmeinAustinhungfromthekeyring.
Hisfavoritesayinginscribedonthebrassdisc,thewordsweresomethingIhadalwaysfelt,buthadn’tcomposedintotheexactphrasehe’dsocarefullystampedintotothecharm.I
clencheditbetweenmythumbandforefingersandrubbedmythumbagainstthecenter.Afteraquickprayer,Ilookedatthewords,andhopedRipp’sphrasewasapplicabletodayofalldays.
IGotThis.BrotherRipp,Ihope
you’reright.
Iopenedmysaddlebag,pulledthebagfromtheinside,andplacedtheitemsinthetwosidepocketsofmycut.Afterinhalinganervousbreath,Isighed,turnedtowardthehill,andbeganjoggingdownthepathIhadspentsomanyweekendnightswalkingalongasa
teen.
WhenIreachedthecornerofthepaththatturnedandleddowntotheriver,Isawhercarparkedalongtheedgenarrowdirtdrive.Seeingitprovidedmehopeandfilledmewithworryatthesametime.Iglancedtowardthetree,andcouldsee
herslumpedatthebase.
Iinhaledachoppybreath,swallowedheavily,andexhaled.AsIjumpedovertheedgeandbeganrunningdownthehill,threewordscontinuedtorattlearoundinmyhead.
I.Got.This.
SAMIsatatthebaseofthetreewiththebutcherknifeinmyhand,prayingforthestrengthtomaketherightdecision.As
muchasIrealizedsuicidewasn’tthemostpracticaldecisionorthebestforeveryonewithasimilarcircumstance,Ifeltitwasmymostlogicalchoice.Afterhavingspentseveralhoursattemptingtodevelopthecouragetoproceed,Isatexhausted,clenchingthe
knife.
AstimepassedIbecameweary.Lackingsleepforseveraldays,IknewifIcouldstayawakealittlelongerImaynotdevelopthecourage,butIwouldbeabletoproceedfromlackofwilltocontinuetofightmyself.
AsIdriftedoffintoan
almostdreamlikestate,Iheardamotorcycleinthedistance.ThoughtsofOtisfilledmymind.Thesoundseemedtogrowcloserandcloser.CertainIwaslosingwhatlittlelogicIhadleft,Ismiledandglanceduptowardthetopofthehill.
Thesoundstopped.
Disappointed,IgazedatthetopofthehillasIclutchedtheknife.AfteraperiodoftimeIwasincapableofmeasuring,afigureappearedatthetopofthehill.Istared,feelingasifittrulywasadream,andthefigurewasanangel–theanswertomyproblems
hangingonherlips–suretocomeassoonasshereachedthebottomofthehill.
Iblinked.
Thefigurebegantocomedownthehill.Asitgrewcloser,IrealizeditwaseitherOtis,orIwaslosingmymind.Asthedistancenarrowed,Iknewitwaseither
OtisorIhadgonecompletelybatty.UsingwhatlittlestrengthIhadleft,Ireachedupandtossedtheknifeovermyshoulderandintothetallweedsbehindme.
“Sam,”hisvoicewassoftandsoothing.
Iblinkedmyeyesandsmiled.
“Sam,areyoualright?”heasked.
Inoddedmyheadandtriedtostand.AsIstood,myweaklegsshook,almostcausingmetofall.IrealizedashereachedouttosupportmeIhadbeensittingforhoursandmylegshadfallenasleep.
“Didyoutakesomething,Sam?Areyouonanything?”heasked.
Ishookmyhead,“Legsfellasleep.”
“What’sgoingon,Sam?Istheresomethingyouneedtotellme?”heasked.
Ishruggedmyshoulders,notknowingwhat
tosay.Ilovedhimmorethananything,andlosinghimwasmorethanIcouldbeartoimagine.
“Sam.Iloveyou.Whateveritis,nomatterwhatitis,youandIwillbefine.Youneedtoknowthat.Imeanit.Nomatterwhat,”heassuredmeasheheldmy
shouldersinhishands.
“But,”Isighed.
Iwantedtotellhim.Idesperatelywantedto,butIcouldn’tmusterthecourage.Afterstudyinghimforafewmoments,Ipulledaway,bentdown,andpickedupmypurse.Clutchingittightlyandholdingittomychest,I
glancedupandInoddedmyhead.
“Justsayit,Sam.Whateveritisthat’sgotyouworried,”hebreathed.
“I’mpregnant,”thewordsescapedmylipsbeforeIhadachancetostopthem.
Fearful,embarrassed,andwaitingforthewrathof
Godtocomedownuponme,Iclutchedmypurseandwaited.
“Yousure?”heasked.
Iheldmypursetomychestandnoddedmyhead.
“Good,”hesaid,“That’swhatIwashoping.”
Iglancedup,andashardasItried,couldn’tfight
backthetears.
“You’renot…mad?”Isobbed.
Heshookhisheadashereachedintothesidepocketsofhiscut,“Mad?NoSam,I’mnotmad.Iloveyou.”
Isighedandcontinuedtoclutchmypurse.
Asheduginhispockets,hecontinued,“I’mnotproudofit,butasaSinner,I’veplayedapart–afirst-handpart–inseeingmanylivesleavethisearth.DeathhasbecomeapartofwhoIam,Sam.TothinkIcouldsharesomethingasspecialasbringingalifeinto
thisearth,anddoingitwithyou?”
Hepulledtwopiecesofclothfromhiscut.Ashestraightenedthefabricandletithangfromhisfingers,itwasclearwhattheywere.Standinginfrontofme,holdingtworompers–oneblueandonepink–hebegan
tosoftlycry.
“Ididn’tknowwhatcolortoget,soIgotoneofeach,”heshrugged.
Ireleasedmygraspfrommypurse,reachedinside,andpulledthepregnancytestfrominside.AsIhelditupforhimtosee,hegrinned.
“ThisjustsaysI’mpregnant,itdoesn’tgiveasex,”IgrinnedasIbegantocryagain.
“Eitherway,aslongasyoutwoarebothhealthy,I’llbehappyasfuck,”hesaidasheturnedhisheadandwipedhistearsonhisshoulder.
“How’dyouknow?”Iblubbered.
“Ididn’t.Ijusthoped,”heresponded.
“Soyouwantthis?”Iasked,wantingasmuchconfirmationaspossible.
“Morethananything,”henodded.
“How’dyouknow
whereIwas?”
“ReallySam?Youlostyourvirginityatthistree.Damnedthing’sbeenhereasthebiggesttreeinthestateforoverahundredyears.Weusedtospendalotoftimehere.Thiswasoursacredtree.Meetmeatthebigtree.Howmanytimesdidyouhear
that?”heasked.
“Notnearenough,”IsobbedasIputthepregnancytestbackintomypurse.
Hedroppedtherompersbesidewherehestoodandopenedhisarms.And,asthehappiestwomanintheworld,Idroppedmypurse,embracedhiminahug,
andheldhiminmyarms.Aswestoodunderoursacredtreeandheldeachother,myheartfilledwithgratitudeforOtisandforeverythingwesharedasacouple.
IguesstheSinnersareright.
Thedevillooksafterhisown.
EPILOGUEThesmallroom,fittedwithtwochairs,onemedicalexaminationbed,andanAplio500ultrasound
machinehadthreeoccupants.Apregnantwoman,lyingontheexaminationbed,hadhergownliftedtothebottomofherswollenbreasts.Theman,seatedbesideherandholdingherhandinhis,staredanxiouslyatthedisplayscreen.
ThePhysician’s
Assistantmovedthewandcarefullyalongthewoman’sstomachasshegazedatthescreen.
“There’sthehead,”shesaidasshetouchedabuttononthekeyboard,takingastillphotooftheimage.
“Andthelegs.Hold
onaminuteandwe’llseeif…”shesaidasshemovedthewandupanddownslightly.
“Thiswillbecold,”shesaidasshesquirtedlubricantontothewoman’sstomach.
Afterrepositioningthewand,pressingitintothe
bottomofthewoman’sstomach,shegazedatthescreen.
“Ifyoudon’twanttoknowthesex,don’tlook,”shegrinned.
“Wedo,Mrs.Buckly,”thewomanrespondedassheglancedatthemanashenoddedhis
headeagerly.
“CallmeDebi,”shesaid.
“WedoDebi,”theysaidinunison.
“Well,seethis?”shesaidasshemotionedtothescreenwithherfreehand.
Themanandwomannoddedtheirheads.
“Hips,”Debisaid.
“Andthis,”shesighed,“Hispenis.”
“Boy?”themansaidasheshiftedhiseyesfromthescreentohiswife.
“He’sdefinitelyaboy.Notwowaysaboutit,”Debichuckledasshepressedthebuttontotakeanotherstill
imageofthescreen.
“Sam?”themansighedashewipedtearsfromhiseyes.
“We’rehavingalittleboy,”hesaid,“Ican’twaittotellmyparents.”
Hiswifenoddedherheadasshegazedatthreedimensionaldepictionofher
sononthescreen.
Downthehallway,ontheothersideoftheentrancetothesmallclinic,fourmenstoodanxiouslytalking.Dressedinjeans,boots,andleathervestsadornedwiththepatchofthemotorcycleclubtheyrepresented,theystoodoutinclearcontrastamongst
thewomeninthelobby.Afterafewmomentsthelargemanwithabeardturned,graspedthedoorhandle,andopenedthedoorslightly.
“Canwecomein?”heaskedthereceptionistseatedafifteenfeetawayattheadmissionsdesk.
Afteramomentwith
noresponsefromthereceptionist,heclearedhisthroatandrepeatedthequestion.
“Heyyou.Behindthedesk.Canwecomein?”heasked.
Sheshookherheadandforcedasmile,“I’msorry.Theultrasoundareais
reservedforthehusband,wife,andtheimmediatefamily,”sheexplained.
Heturnedtowardtheotherthreemen,“Familyonly.”
Thetallmuscularmanwitholivecoloredskinshruggedhisshoulders,“Wellopenthefuckingdoor,
Biscuit.We’reherbrothers.”
Thebeardedmanopenedthedoorenoughtofithisheadbetweenthedoorandtheframe.
“We’reherbrothers,”hewhispered.
Thereceptionistpeeredthroughtheopeningandshookherheadin
disbelief.Thethreemen,otherthansharingthesametasteinclothes,appearedtobefromfourdifferentregionsoftheworld.Asshestudiedthemen,thebeardedmanopenedthedooralittlemore,givingheranunobstructedviewofthemenstandingbehindhim.
Shetappedherpencilagainstthedeskasshestudiedthefourmen,“Brothers?”
“Andthenameofyoursister?”sheasked.
Thebeardedmanturnedaroundandconsultedwithhisfriendsforamoment.Afterashort
discussion,heturnedtowardthereceptionist.
“SteveandSamMilner,”heresponded.
Thereceptionistshookherhead,“Idon’tknow.We’reforcedtoadheretothepolicy.Familyonly.”
“Otis!”thebeardedmanscreamedintothevacant
corridor.
Afterafewsecondshescreamedagain,“Otis!”
Theman,stillseatedbesidehiswife,turnedhisheadawayfromthemonitor.
“Didyouhearsomeonescreammyname?”heasked.
Hiswifenoddedand
tiltedherheadtowardthedoor.
Themanstoodandopenedthedoorslightly,peeringthroughthecrackanddownthehallwayashedidso.
“Whatarewehavin’?”thebeardedmanscreamed.
“Boy,”themanwhisperedinresponse.
“What?”thebeardedmanshoutedagain.
“Boy!”themanrespondedinamoredistincttone.
“Afuckingboy?Didyousaywe’rehavin’aboy?”thebeardedmanhollered
excitedly.
“Yes,”themanwhisperedinresponsethroughtheopening.
Thebeardedmanturnedtofacetheotherthreemen.
“Payupmotherfuckers.We’vegotusaboy,”hegrinned.
Asthebeardedmanturnedtowardthedooronceagain,heopeneditentirelyandstoodintheopening.Thethreemenbehindhimeachreachedfortheirwallets.
“Weallwannaseehim.Galherewon’tletuscomedownthere.Tellherit’sokay,”heshouted.
Themanextendedhisraisedindexfingerandturnedtofacetheexamroom.
“Fellasaredownthere.Theywanttocomeinandseeourbabyboy,”hegrinnedtowardhiswife.
Debiturnedtofacethemanasshefurrowedherbrowslightly.
“I’msorry,wecanonlyallowfamily,”shesighed.
Thewomanglancedupfromtheexamtableandgazedatherleathervesthangingonthehookbesidethedoor.Ontheback,aSelectedSinnerspatchwithtworibbons,clearlystating
herdesignationwiththeclub.
PropertyofOtis.“They’remy
brothers,”thewomanstated.
“Howmany?”Debiasked.
“Here?Four,”thewomangrinnedinresponse.
Debinoddedherhead,“Havethemcomedown.I’ll
callthedesk.”
Themanpeeredthroughthedoorandwavedhisarmtowardthebeardedman,“Comeondown.”
Thebeardedmanswungthedooropenandwavedtowardthemenstandinganxiouslybehindhim,“Comeonfellas,uncle
Biscuit’shavinghimababyboy.”
Asthemenstormeddownthehallway,Debigazedoverhershouldertowardthepregnantwoman.
“Soyouhavefourbrothers?”Debiasked.
Thepregnantwomanglancedupatherleathervest
andshookherhead.
“No,”sheresponded.
“Ihavethirtythree.”