On Loneliness

IntroductionWhen I was growing up there was a chorus which proclaimed: “I’ll never be lonely again, never again.” That thought is certainly commendable, but it is unrealistic and untrue. Everybody is lonely sometimes. We all find ourselves in places where we feel alone. In The Hills Beyond Thomas Wolfe wrote:

The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary people, is the central and inevitable feature of human existence.

Just think about how frequently loneliness is the subject of art, novels, poetry, plays and movies.

The reasons why people are lonely are varied and complicated and there is no simple antidote that will prevent us from ever feeling lonely this side of heaven.

The purpose of this monograph is to study the meaning of loneliness, its causes, its consequences and the measures we can take to alleviate it.

What is Loneliness?Some say that loneliness is not definable. Some say that since everyone experiences loneliness in a different way, no one description of it will fit or is it measurable. But what is it?

Loneliness is not a disease nor a psychological abnormality or personality dysfunction, though chronic loneliness my certainly be pathological.

Loneliness is not the same as being alone. We may feel lonely even when we aren’t alone (Have you felt lonely in a crowd?). Conversely, we can be alone without feeling lonely.

Loneliness is not the same as solitude. Solitude is a spiritual state in which one chooses to be alone; it is a deliberate detachment from people and responsibilities. It is a state in which one puts aside thinking about life’s activities and problems in order to focus on one’s relationship with God. Solitude, so defined, is one of the spiritual disciplines advocated by spiritual

leaders as being beneficial to spiritual growth. [For example, see Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart.]

Loneliness is “an emotional state in which a person experiences a powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation. It is a feeling of being cut off, disconnected, and alienated from other people.” (Wikipedia) People describe their feelings of loneliness with words like painful, feeling lost, empty, isolated, disconnected, alienated, unneeded, unwanted, uncared for, rejected, sorrowful, desperate, helpless, hopeless, abandoned, left out, unattractive, friendless, abnormal, weird, misunderstood, or unlikable.

Loneliness is the mother of many unhappy children; it affects many aspects of life.Physical effects. Chronic loneliness is detrimental to good physical health. Loneliness has been clinically tied to a higher risk of heart attacks, high blood pressure, strokes, sleep disorders, cancer, headaches, stomach disorders and slower recovery from surgery. One study at the University of Chicago found that loneliness can add 30 points to a blood pressure reading for adults over 50. James Lynch says that “social isolation and chronic human loneliness are significant contributors to premature death.” (Broken Heart, 3) He concludes: “Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet and exercise, but also to a large extent on the social and emotional health of the individual.” (Broken Heart, 13)In a period his life when he felt alone, under attack and abandoned by God himself, the biblical psalmist wrote:

“My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food. Because of my loud groaning I am reduced to skin and bones. I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof.” (Psalm 102:4-7)

Educational researchers have discovered that lonely feelings can have a negative impact on learning and memory.

Emotional effects. Loneliness can perpetuate itself. Lonely feelings can become chronic and turn into a constant condition. Loneliness is tied to other negative emotions. It is often connected with sadness, fear, anxiety, restless agitation, low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, guilt, anger and depression. Carter, Meier and Minirth claim that “Depression is nearly always an end result of a sense of isolation and separation from others.” (Why Be Lonely?, 109). Lonely feelings are a significant factor in suicide.

Relational effects. Loneliness may also foster anger, bitterness and a judgmental attitude which drives people away and deepens lonely feelings. Those who feel rejected and lonely may fall into fault finding and bitterness.And who wants to be around someone who is angry and bitter? Loneliness may cause the lonely person to avoid people out of fear of rejection. Or the lonely person may become too eager to form friendships and so cause others to back away. Tournier call this a “spirit of possessiveness.” Prolonged feelings of loneliness inhibit the development of healthy interpersonal relationships. (Escape from Loneliness)

Behavioral effects. A lonely person may exhibit anti-social behavior-striking out at others out of bitterness. Lonely people may even turn violent. Loneliness can lead to apathy and indolence. It can lead to sexual promiscuity in an attempt to find love. It can be a factor in alcohol abuse and drug addiction.

Spiritual effects. Lonely feelings can make one feel abandoned, even by God himself, or become bitter at God, blaming him for one’s life situation. The lonely person may ask: “If God loves me, why am I so lonely? Why doesn’t he give me friends?” The biblical psalmists often cry out to God to break his silence and not to leave them alone.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Psalm 27:9O, Lord, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Psalm 35:22Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. Psalm 142:4Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Psalm 51:11

Lonely feelings can hamper spiritual growth. Loneliness can also be a factor in luring people into cults which at least outwardly provide a sense of community and acceptance.

The Types of LonelinessLoneliness has been differentiated in many ways. I will specify four types of loneliness of which I am sure there are many sub-types.

Metaphysical Loneliness. This is the loneliness of the philosopher who believes that mankind is all alone in this universe, a chance product of

evolution that there is nobody up there to help us. The atheist Bertrand Russell wrote:

We stand on the shore of an ocean crying to the night, and in theemptiness sometimes a voice answers out of the darkness. But it is the voice of one drowning, and in a moment the silence returns and the world seems to be quite dreadful.

The band Kansas sang: “All we are is dust in the wind. All we do crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see. Don’t hang on. Nothing lasts foreverbut the earth and sky. Everything is dust in the wind.”Clark Moustakes in his book, Loneliness, says: “I believe it is necessary for every person to recognize his loneliness, to become intensely aware that, ultimately, in every fibre of his being, man is alone—terribly, utterly alone.”(Loneliness, ix) This is a loneliness that has no remedy, except perhaps to try to drown it out in the pursuit of pleasure. Of course, we Christians believe this metaphysical loneliness is based on a lie. We are not alone in this world, but share the universe with our Creator.

Ontological Loneliness. Ontological loneliness or existential loneliness refers to the fact that we are individuals, separate from each other.Thus, we cannot totally understand or connect with others. It is inescapable. I am me. I am not you. We travel through life as separate individuals with our own birth, life, internal and external experiences and death. The theologian Paul Tillich put it this way:

Being alive means being in a body—a body separated from all otherbodies. And being separated means being alone. It is true of every person. He is alone and aware of it and not even God can take this destiny away from him.

Sociological Loneliness. This loneliness has to do with all those factors connected with relating to other people. We have innate desire to connect with others which is never fully met. It is a paradox of human existence that we seek to fill a need that cannot be totally satisfied. Tournier says, “The need for fellowship in inescapable because it is inscribed in our nature.” (Escape, 59) God made us with a desire and need for intimacy and community. It can be argued that this need is as aspect of the “image of God” in that God himself is a personal, relational being. Involved in these lonely feelings are different personal, genetic, historical, situational and cultural factors which we will discuss below.

Spiritual Loneliness. Carter, Meier and Minirth are right on target in saying that “loneliness is a sign that things in this world aren’t perfect.”We have a sense of separation from God and from each other that is based on fact. The cause of this will be discussed below. Even those who are children of God long for that time when we will be “forever with the Lord”and face to face with our Redeemer.

The Extent of LonelinessHere I want to address three questions.How many of us feel lonely? The answer to this question is easy. We all do. Loneliness crosses all boundaries of history, culture, race, social class and religion. Gardner affirms that “nothing matters more to us than that we matter to someone and we all long to lave someone who matters to us.” (The Naked Soul, 1) We all need to feel loved, valued and to belon, but we do not always feel that we are.

Do we all feel equally lonely? No. For many, lonely feelings are sporadic, tied to particular life situations. Others suffer chronic feelings of loneliness. Sean says that for some people

Loneliness is a fleeting feeling that visits them on cold winter days or cold gloomy rainy days when human contact becomes minimal and they are left with the thoughts in their heads. For others, loneliness is a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time; it rears its ugly head at every human contact that surrounds them in their waking and in their dreams. (webofloneliness.com)

The depth of our lonely feelings also differs. Some people have extreme feelings of loneliness, others mild. How do you measure how lonely someone feels? You can’t.

Do we feel equally lonely all the time? No, not most of us. Lonely feelings come and go and with various degrees of intensity. It is a part of every stage of life for various reasons. Elizabeth Elliot cogently says:

The tide of loneliness comes in the most unpremeditated ways, in the oddest of places and for the most absurd reasons as I am going about my business, generally calm, even cheerful. Then, that sudden tide sweeps in. (Path of Loneliness, 59)

The Causes of LonelinessThe causes of lonely feeling are complicated. Here I am not talking about metaphysical loneliness, which is based in an atheistic worldview or about

ontological loneliness, but about what people are usually talking about when they speak about feeling lonely (sociological loneliness). Why do people feel lonely?

Personal Factors. Personal factors have to do with personality temperaments and a person’s life history.One’s temperament has an effect on his experience of loneliness. Loneliness results when there is a difference between the quality or quantity of relationships you desire and the quality or quantity you actually have. Some people want and need more or deeper relationships than other people, so they experience more feelings of loneliness. Of course, there is considerable scholarly debate about whether extroverts or introverts are more susceptible to loneliness. I won’t get into that debate here. Sensitive personality types may be more easily hurt or have a greater fear of rejection and thus pull away from others and experience more loneliness. A person with low self-esteem may be more vulnerable to lonely feelings. Persons who find their sense of significance in pleasing other people are more susceptible to loneliness.In all cases, loneliness signals that one’s needs for intimacy and community are not being met. People perceive the cause of their loneliness differently too. Some blame themselves [If I weren’t so…]; some blame others. Some blame their life situation. Some blame God. Some have a victim mentality. Some are optimistic about overcoming loneliness; some are pessimistic.

Besides these personal factors, psychologists often point to early childhood experiences as playing a large part in loneliness. Moustakes says that “Loneliness has a developmental history beginning in infancy.” (Loneliness, 28) Without a doubt, we long for affection even before the time we can reach out our arms or say a word. Parents or caregivers may have treated a child in such a way as to engender feelings of loneliness. Perhaps the child was abused, abandoned, rejected, neglected, excessively criticized or punished, ignored, unloved, overprotected, dominated, or emotionally smothered.

Situational Factors. Situational factors refer to our life experiences. There is a litany of experiences which can induce feelings of loneliness.1. Rejection or mistreatment by others. Gardner says, “Every time we reach out to connect and fail, a scar is left in our heart.” (Naked Soul) Experiences of being lied to, laughed at, and left out cause us to feel lonely.

2. Family dysfunction or dissolution. Both children growing up in dysfunctional families and married people in unhealthy marriages are prone to feelings of loneliness. Emotionally unhealthy marriages seem to engender lonely feelings in more wives than husbands, but both are affected. Children of divorce tend to experience more loneliness.3. Loss of a significant person in one’s life whether through death, divorce, relocation of a friend, or interpersonal conflict is a cause of loneliness. The break-up of a romantic relationship can bring on lonely feelings. According to the experts, divorce is the most frequent cause of loneliness in America today. Rubinstein and Shaver say that “the more intimate our relationship has been, the more intense our loneliness will be when that relationship is lost.” (Search)4. The completion of any significant event can bring on lonely feelings:graduation from high school or college, the birth of a child (the spouse may feel neglected, the mother may feel empty inside where the child was or trapped at home), marriage (homesick for parents, single friends), children leaving home, job changes (one may miss fellow workers who were laid off), and moving When you have been in a time of intense interpersonal interaction (e.g., home for the Holidays, having grown children home for a visit, etc) the immediate hours following the visit may feel very lonely. It just seems too quiet.5. Being isolated from other people may cause one to feel lonely. Living in an isolated place where you have little interpersonal contact may feel lonely.Other lonely situations might include being incarcerated in prison or on a secret military assignment. ust not having any friends cam make one feel lonely..6. Being in a position of leadership or authority can make one feel lonely. As the old saying went, “It’s lonely at the top.” The higher your position in authority, the less you can confide in others and the less they will want to be with you on a social level. The fellow worker who becomes the superintendent finds people pulling away from him. On the other side, people at the bottom end of the social scale may be shunned or experience more loneliness.7. Life stage. Although loneliness is found in every stage of life, some authorities suggest that adolescents and older adults are even more susceptible to loneliness. For older adults, reduced physical abilities (e.g. hearing) and mobility are the culprits. For teens it seems to be the need for peer acceptance and the desire for romantic relationships.8. Rubenstein and Shaver point to studies which suggest that “poor adults of all ages are lonelier, lower in self-esteem, and less satisfied with life.”

(Search, 132). Is this true?9. Illness. Severe illness and hospitalization often cuts off contact with people and causes feelings of loneliness. If you have ever spent an extended time as a hospital patient, you understand this.

Cultural Factors. Researchers suggest that there are elements in contemporary American life which increase loneliness. Here are some of those factors.1. Mobility. Families no longer live in the same community with their extended families. Many people do not live in the same community for a lifetime. One in four American families move each year and those who move more often are lonelier than those who don’t. Rubenstein and Shaver say that “geographic mobility destroys Americans’ sense of community and leaves them feeling unconnected and remote form others. (Search, 155).2. Technology. People now cocoon at home with their televisions, video games, movies and computers instead of spending time with others. These technological devices actually reduce community relationships outside the home and hinder communication and intimacy within the family. Ravi Zacharias points out the irony that “in a day when conveniences were intended to free up time for leisure, actually less time is invested in building relationships while more time is invested in using those conveniences.”(Cries of the Heart, 156) Think about it. An email or text message is certainly more impersonal than a telephone conversation, and telephone conversations are less personal than face to face communication.3. Urbanization. Are big cities lonelier than small places? Not necessarily. Yes, people can feel lonely and cut off even when surrounded with throngs of people. Yet, Rubenstein and Shaver point out that “urban residents limit their social contact with strangers to retain emotional energy for interactions with friends and they may have relationships more emotionally intense than relationships in rural areas.” Small towns can be very lonely for the newcomer or the nonconformist. Rural towns may be friendlier, but that friendliness may only be superficial as it has been labeled “rural nice.”However, for a person with rural roots, the city may feel far more impersonal and lonely.4. Materialism. In our materialistic culture, people may be seen as customers or objects to be used in the pursuit of ones own pleasure, wealth and influence. The drive to succeed causes people to set aside building personal relationships and this can lead to loneliness. At the end of the day, some wish that they had spent more time with people but few wish they had spent more time at work.

5. The demise of the family. By 2010, it is projected that 31 million American adults will live alone. Around one in three marriages end in divorce. Couples living together without marriage have much more insecurity. The degradation of marriage has led to more loneliness.6. The diversification of culture. I’ve experienced this. When I did short term ministry in Ukraine, I felt very alone. I did not understand the language or customs. There were only a couple of people around me who knew any English. I felt like a million miles away from home. Now, even at home, we live in a very diverse culture; more than ever we bump shoulders with people from different cultures and of different races. There are places even in America where one would feel like an immigrant, an outsider.7. The rise of the mega-world. Shopping at Wal-Mart or Menards is more impersonal than shopping at the local mom and pop grocery store or hardware store where you know the owners and workers on a first name basis. Dealing with local businesspersons face to face is certainly more personal than working your way through phone menus and talking to computer generated voices. Working for a giant corporation is nothing like working for Fred who lives down the street. Worshipping with mostly strangers in a megachurch can be a very lonely experience.9. The fast pace of modern life. In our world, we are either too busy or too tired to build the kind of relationships which alleviate loneliness.

Spiritual Factors. Somewhere I read, “Loneliness is a choice.” I didn’t like that, but to a great degree it is true. Loneliness, for the most part, is the effect of the choices we make. Elliot says that loneliness may be a form of selfishness (self-centeredness). (Path)The root of loneliness is found in the original sin. Had mankind not sinned, we would not feel lonely. Sin destroyed the harmony of the universe. When Adam and Eve sinned they were separated from God (Isaiah 59:2) and alienated from each other. Aloneness, according to Elizabeth Elliot, was not a painful thing until sin entered the world. Sin disrupted human relationships so that they are far from what God intended them to be. We all deal with selfishness, greed and pride which disrupt relationships and lead to loneliness. The sin lists in the New Testament Epistles are for the most part relational sins—things which cut us off from one another.Ironically, being a disciple of Jesus Christ may, in fact, increase our loneliness in new ways. We are now “aliens and strangers” in this world (1 Peter 2:9), “not of this world” (John 14:19), and rejected by this world

(John 14:18-19). Even in the Body of Christ we are not free from conflicts, attitudes and actions which make us feel lonely. Churches can be lonely places.

Some Biblical Examples of LonelinessThe Bible does not directly address the problem of loneliness, but we do hear the words of lonely people and see examples of people who we assume must have felt lonely. Here are some examplesAdam and Eve. Genesis 3. Adam and Eve experienced the loneliness of separation from God by sin. Their relationship (and ours) was damaged by sin. They experienced the loss of Abel through murder and the loss of Cain by exile.Job. Job 19:13-19. There is no doubt about how Job felt. “He has alienated my brothers from me; my acquaintances are completely estranged from me. My kinsmen have gone away; my friends have forgotten me. My guests and my maidservants count me a stranger; they look upon me as an alien.”Abram. Genesis 12. Though the Bible does not directly say Abram felt lonely, we can assume that Abram‘s move away from his family was accompanied by some lonely moments.Hagar. Genesis 21. In the wilderness, rejected and sent away by Abraham and Sarah, the crying Hagar must have felt all alone as she waited for her son to die of thirst Jacob. Genesis 28. Sent away from home so he would not be murdered by his brother. Sleeping on a rock. Cheated by his father-in-law. Fearful of his brother. Sounds like loneliness might have entered.Joseph. Genesis 37, 39. Hated by his brothers. Sold as a slave and taken to a foreign land. Falsely imprisoned. Certainly lonely.Naomi. Ruth 1. A widow in a foreign land whose sons had also died. Bitter.David. 1& 2 Samuel. Running for his life from King Saul. In exile in Philistia. Attacked by his son Absalom. In Psalms we hear his lonely cries, feeling forsaken by God. Psalm 10:1, 13:1-2, 22:1-2, 6-7. 11, 27:9, 28:1, 35:22, 42:1-4, 69:3, , 20, 74:1, 102:6-7. 109:1. We hear the same sentiments from Asaph in Psalm 83:1 and Heman in Psalm 88: 5, 8, 14.Elijah. 1 Kings 19: 10-14. Fleeing from Jezebel, he complains to God, “I am the only one left.” The Jewish exiles in Babylon. Psalm 137:1-5. A mournful cry from the rivers of Babylon.Jeremiah. Jeremiah 38. Abandoned in a cistern. Rejected by the people.Hosea. Abandoned by his unfaithful wife.Ezekiel. Ezekiel 24. Commanded not to mourn the death of his wife.

Paul. Galatians 1:17, 2 Timothy 4:9-11, 16-17. Alone in an Arabian desert for three years. In prison several years. Forsaken at his trial.Jesus Christ our Lord. Matthew 27:46. His lonely cry from the cross was:“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Overcoming LonelinessPerhaps it would be better to entitle this section “alleviating loneliness” for we will never be rid of it totally in this life. But loneliness does not have to be a noose around our necks. There are ways to reduce its impact.1. Acknowledge it. Admitting we have a problem is the first step in overcoming it. Denial won’t help. Like David in Psalm 25:16, we must admit to ourselves and to God, “I am lonely.”

2. Accept it. There are things we can do to alleviate loneliness and these we should do, but some loneliness is just a part of living in a sin-cursed world and must just be accepted, even embraced. Elliot says: “Our loneliness cannot always be fixed, but it can always we accepted as the very will of God for now.” (Path, 109.)

In fact, loneliness can benefit us. Loneliness reminds us that this world is not our home and that the fulfillment of hope lies in the future. We should also view loneliness as a trial that can bring us closer to God and to godliness. (Romans 5:3-5, James 1:2-4) Loneliness causes us to cast ourselves on the mercy of God (Psalm 25:16), aand to reach out to him in prayer. Loneliness encourages us to focus on the promises of God. Loneliness should cause us to examine our hearts. (2 Chronicles 12:5, Isaiah 59:2)Loneliness can open us up to seeking fellowship and to serving others. Loneliness can be turned into a God-centered solitude. Rubenstein and Shaver point out that much artistic and creative expression have come out of loneliness.

Elizabeth Elliot, who was widowed three times, and lived away from family in an Ecuadorian jungle, can speak with authority on loneliness. She advises:“Receive it as a gift, accept it from the hand of God, and offer it back to him with thanksgiving—and it may become a pathway to holiness, to glory and to God himself.” (Path, 153)

3. Alleviate it. Alleviating loneliness is possible. It is something which, for the most part, we have to do ourselves by the grace of God. The following recommendations should be helpful.1. Discover the cause. Ask yourself, “Why am I lonely?” Pinpoint the causes if you can. But don’t fixate on this search extensively.2. Take care of your body. Exercise. Eat nutritious food. Seek medicalHelp for medical conditions which contribute to loneliness.3. Turn away from unhealthy ways of dealing with loneliness. What are some of these unhelpful things? 1) Denial 2) Blaming others and bitterness. 3) Illicit sexual relationships and fanaticizing. Rubenstein and Shaver are to the point: “Sex without intimacy can be terribly lonely.” (Search, 76) 4) Fixation on a single solution. The solution to loneliness is not usually found in one thing alone. 5) Self-pity. 6) Clinging to people. Trying too hard or insisting on close relationships too soon scares others away. Parents may cling too tightly to children and children too tightly to parents. “Selfish, self-centered efforts to establish contact probably won’t work.” (Search, 182) People can see through such attempts. 7) Isolating oneself. Avoiding people. Avoiders fear rejection and may comes across as aloof or self-sufficient. Rubenstein and Shaver say that evaders, “defend themselves against the fear of rejection by refusing to open up to other people for fear that their deepest, most ‘real’ self will be rebuffed.” (Search, 44) 8) Turning to diversions such as television, video games, alcohol, drugs, tranquillizers, or compulsive buying. 9) Thinking that finding the one right person will solve all loneliness. It may be true that married people are usually less lonely as singles, but this is not always true. A husband or wife cannot meet all ones needs for companionship and community. People who depend too much on another to confirm their worth are often disappointed. The idea that there is someone out there who can meet your every emotional need sets you up for severe loneliness and depression. Henri Nouwen warns, “We are constantly tempted to want more from our fellow human beings than they can give.”(Seeds, 19) 10) Suicide.

4. Don’t just sit there and stew. Reflect on your situation in terms of what you can do differently to change it. Do something creative. Read. Exercise. Write. Find a hobby. This will certainly make you a more interesting person.5. Be socially active. Look for ways to be with others in positive activities.“People who respond to loneliness by taking action aren’t lonely for long.”(Search, 182) When God saw Adam’s need (Genesis 2:18), he chose to meet this need by creating another human being. God designed us to invest ourselves in others. Reach out to form new positive relationships. Join a club or small other kind of small group. Volunteer in community projects where you are working with others. Helping others is emotionally and socially healthy (See Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 27:10). It is imperative that we learn to love, to put others first, to meet the needs of others. Timmons says, “You relieve your loneliness by releasing your love.” (Loneliness is not a Disease, 143)There are two extemes to avoid. Thinking that you must be with others all the time, that you can’t get along without them is destructive to friendships. The other extreme is avoiding people—choosing safety (being alone) over risk (seeking relationships).To build relationships we must learn to initiate conversations, give and receive compliments, tolerate differences, forgive, listen, empathize, show respect, resolve conflicts and be authentic.And remember that having a lot of friends may not be better than having a few close friends.6. Stay put. Relationships take time to develop. Rubenstein and Shaver say that “lonely people often mistakenly assume that if only they lived somewhere else, in a friendlier, smaller, prettier town their lives would be better and they’d feel much happier.” (Search , 164)7. Get a pet. Some social scientists advise that getting a pet helps alleviate loneliness. I have nothing to say against this except to warn that we should not use pets to avoid building relationships with people, even though loving a pet may be easier than loving people.8. Choose not to feel lonely. This may sound absurd. How can one choose not to feel lonely? Think about it. Loneliness is a feeling. It is an emotional response. Emotional responses are not involuntary responses. We are not helpless victims of our emotions. We can control our emotions. As one author put it, “Loneliness is a choice.”As an emotional response to the situations we encounter in life, lonely feelings are no different than other emotions like anger, joy or fear. If they are involuntary and uncontrollable why does God command us to put away anger (Colossians 3:8), to rejoice (Philippians 4:4), to stop being anxious

(Matthew 6:25, Philippians 4:6), to fear not (John 14:1, 27), and to be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18). If it couldn’t be done, God would not command us to do it would he? We are accountable for our emotional responses to our life situations. So the Psalmist says, “The one who examines our thoughts and emotions is a righteous God.” (Psalm 7:9, Christian Standard Bible)How do we check negative emotions? Emotions can be controlled by thought (mind) and decision (will). Right thinking (biblical thinking) and positive action (pro-active decisions) can overcome negative emotions. We can choose not to dwell in the slough of loneliness.9. Seek spiritual solutions.I start with the premise that God did not want people to be alone. In Genesis 2:18 God says that it was not good for the man to be alone. God created us as relational beings.The primary means of overcoming loneliness is a close relationship with God for the primary cause of loneliness is sin which alienates us from God and from one another. Wiersbe says, “While loneliness may have social causes, loneliness is basically an inside problem.” (Lonely People, 17) Elliot speaks profoundly when she says, “the most intimate human relationships cannot satisfy the deepest places of the heart, our hearts are lonely till they rest in Him who made us for himself.” (Path, 90)Sin has separated us from God (Isaiah 59:2, Romans 3:23, 6:23, Hebrews 9:27). But God, out of love, has provided a way for us to be reconciled to him through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ (John 3:16). Jesus paid the penalty of our sin. Matthew 20:28, 1 Corinthians 15:3, Romans 5:8, 1 Peter 2:34, 3:18. To receive this reconciliation which God has, in his grace, provided, the Bible says that we only need to recognize our need of a Savior and put our trust in Jesus Christ. John 1:12, 3:16, Acts 16:31, Ephesians 2:8-9, 1 John 5:12-13. Reconciliation is a wonderful truth clearly taught in texts such as Romans 5:1, 10 and 2 Corinthians 5:18-21. How does this help loneliness? Elliot puts it this way: “to know God or even to begin to know him is to know that we are not alone in the universe.” By faith in Jesus, we who were “separate from Christ,” “without hope,” and “without God in the world,” “ have been brought near through the blood of Christ,” “reconciled to God through the cross,” and “have been given access to the Father by one Spirit.” Ephesians 2:11-19. Zacharias says, “until we have found Him who alone is worthy of worship, the heart searches in loneliness. Only in Him is the soul hunger of loneliness met—not just in love, but in worship.” (Cries, 175)

Maintaining a close walk with God is key to overcoming loneliness. This involves seeking God in personal and corporate worship (Psalm 42:1), practicing the spiritual disciplines, confessing sin, calling upon the Lord, obeying his commands, depending on his power (Galatians 2:20, 5:16),forgetting the past (Philippians 3:13-14), being engaged in prayer (1 Timothy 5:5, 1 Thessalonians 5:17), and having a spirit of thankfulness (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18). On this last point Wiersbe says, “one of the best antidotes for loneliness is thankfulness to God for all He gives to us and does for us.” (Lonely People, 74)Like the Psalmists and Job, we talk to God about our feelings and fears. We are real before God.

There are some particular truths about the nature of God which, when grasped, will alleviate lonely feelings. First is the truth that God loves us with an everlasting love which cannot be overcome by any circumstance we may ever encounter. (Romans 8:38-39) That love is expressed in the promise of his presence, his promises not to abandon us, and to abide with us. We will look at these promises below.Second, we are encouraged by the incarnation. God chose to take upon himself a human body and nature in the person of our Lord Jesus Christ.Hebrews 4:15 tells us that the incarnate Christ can sympathize with our weaknesses. He understands our feelings because he has experienced them. Our Lord Jesus experienced the whole gamete of human emotions apart from any sinful expression of them. So we are urged, “Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)Another helpful truth about God is his sovereign goodness. God can be trusted. Although we may not understand why we find ourselves in situations which cause us to feel lonely, we can be sure that we are not there by accident. The sovereign God has a plan for us that is good. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28-29.) Although Joseph may not have understood it when he was being carried off through the desert as a slave or sitting in prison unjustly, he eventually realized that none of this had happened by accident. In Genesis 50:20 he says to his brothers, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Beyond that, there is the truth that God knows what we have already endured, what we are going through at present, and what we will go through is the future; He is omniscient. He has power to intervene in any way that he so chooses; He is omnipotent. He is present anywhere we are; He is omnipresent.

Lonely situations should cause us to cast ourselves upon God (1 Peter 5:8).If the trials of life are intended to draw us toward God and perfect our faith(Romans 3:3-5, James 1:2-12), then the trial of loneliness may blossom into the spiritual fruit of godly character and deepened trust. Loneliness is a means by which our desire for God is purified. In fact, our desire for human companionship can be idolatrous if it replaces our desire for God himself.[A great commentary on this truth is found in the story of Sheldon and Jean Vanauken as told in A Severe Mercy.] This calls for deep trust in the goodness and power of God, surrendering to the God who loves us with an everlasting love. It is indeed the power of God working in us that enables us to get beyond loneliness. Ephesians 1:18-20, Galatians 2:20, 2 Peter 1:3.

A second God-given resource for overcoming loneliness is the Bible. The Bible is filled with promises and truths which will change our focus and attitudes. Below I will add a section, “Biblical Promises for the Lonely.”

A third God-given source for relief from loneliness is the Church, the Body of Christ. The Church is a union of fellow believers in Christ. Ephesians 2:19-22, 4:4. On a local level a church is a community of fellowship.God does not intend that believers live this life in isolation from each other. We need each other and we are gifted to aid each other. 1 Corinthians 12, 1 Peter 4:10-11, Ephesians 4:11-16. Wiersbe says that after many years of talking to believers some of the loneliest people he met were professed Christians who turned their back on the Family of God (Lonely People, 98). Spiritual growth and emotional maturity don’t take place in a vacuum. That is why the Bible warns us not to forsake gathering regularly with other believers (Hebrews 10:24-25). We are to love one another (Romans 12:10) encourage each other (1 Thessalonians 4:18), pray for each other (Ephesians 5:18, James 5:16), live in harmony with each other (Romans 14:13), not judge one another (Romans 14:13), welcome each other (Romans 15:7), instruct one another (Romans 15:14), greet each other (Romans 16:16), have the same care for each other (1 Corinthians 12:25), comfort each other (2 Corinthians 13:11), agree with each other (2 Corinthians 13:11), serve each other (Galatians 5:13, 1 Peter 4:10), bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), be kind hearted and forgive each other (Ephesians 4:32), bear with one another (Ephesians 4:2), sing to each other (Ephesians 5:19), submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21), admonish each other (Colossians 3:16), build each other up spiritually (1 Thessalonians 5:11), do good to each other (1 Thessalonians 5:15), exhort each other (Hebrews 3:13), stir each other up to love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24), refrain from grumbling against each

other (James 5:16), show hospitality toward each other (1 Peter 4:9), warn each other (2 Thessalonians 3:15), show humility to each other (1 Peter 5:5), and share with each other (Romans 12:13) Whew!The importance of a supportive community is even recognized by secular writers. Rubenstein and Shaver state that “the only lasting remedies for loneliness are mutual affection and participation in a genuine community”(Search, 18) Of course, not just any church will do. A church where people actually practice the biblical “one anothers” is needed. And since it always takes time to find companionship and community as a newcomer, patience will be needed. In a large church one must be proactive in searching for a small group for fellowship. Just showing up for a weekly worship service won’t cut it; you will just be lonely in the crowd. We must also be willing to accept the imperfections of others, learn to be forgiving, and willing to share our burdens with others. And we must realize that no one person or group of people can meet our emotional needs. Wiersbe concludes: “There is no reason for any one of us to be lonely when there is a church nearby where we can love others and they can love us.” (Lonely, 103).Fourth, moving past loneliness is most often experienced when we forget about our own needs and engage in meeting the need of others. Matthew 7:12, 22:38-40, 25:31-46 Romans 12:13, Galatians 5:13, 6:10, Philippians 2:4, 1 Timothy 6:18.

Helping the LonelyThere a number of things we can do to help the lonely overcome their loneliness. Here are seven suggestions.1. Reach out to the lonely and include them in the life of the church.2. Show hospitality to the lonely. 1 Peter 4:9, Luke 14:12-14, Romans 12:13, 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Hebrews 13:2, Open your heart and your home to lonely people. Caution: you must be aware that some lonely people may have a tendency to attach themselves to you more closely than is healthy and you will need to steer them away from that temptation toward more involvement with a larger circle of believers.3. Be a listening ear, but keep it confidential.4. Invite the lonely to pray with you and for you.5. Give the lonely opportunities to serve others. Perhaps invite them to serve along side you in serving others.6 Share encouraging Scriptures.7. Pray for the lonely. That they would find satisfaction in Jesus Christ. That they would reach out to love and serve others.

When God was LonelySome people say that God created us because he was lonely. That cannot be true. There was infinite love, joy, and fellowship within the members of the trinity. God does not need us to fulfill any lack in himself. Perhaps the reason people think God must have been lonely is because loneliness is a universal condition we all feel. But there is one time when God was lonely. On the cross, Jesus, God incarnate, cried out to God the Father, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 1534) This quotation from Psalm 22:1 speaks of a reality that was taking place as he died. For the first time in eternity there was separation of the persons of the trinity from each other. Why? There is only one cause. This separation which caused Jesus to cry out in agony was because Jesus was taking upon himself our sin. 1 Peter 2: 24, 2 Corinthians 5:21. As Jesus bore the wrath of God because of our sin he was cut off from the Father. Jesus’ loneliness and separation from the Father provided for us the ultimate solution for our loneliness. Our separation from God on account of our sins is removed when we place our faith in Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:18-20.Our separation from each other is lessened to the degree that we lose ourselves in loving others. Loneliness is reduced by the hope we have for the future. There is coming a time when sin will no longer be a barrier between us. We will be with the Lord and one another forever. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

When Loneliness is No MoreThe ultimate solution to loneliness is not found in this life; it is only found in eternity. Yes, we will be distinct persons (ontological loneliness), but in eternity that distinctness will not cause us to feel lonely.There is coming a time when all the consequences of sin will be gone—all those things which pull us apart will be eliminated. We will have perfect love for all others and perfect unity with all others. We will morally be perfect like Jesus (1 John 3:2.) A widow found the words of Jesus in Luke 20:34-35 troubling and asked me if we would have a special relationship in heaven with those we loved here on earth. I said, “I don’t know. Perhaps so but the Bible doesn’t say. But I do know this. First, we will love all others equally and perfectly. Second, whatever the relationships in heaven are, we won’t be disappointed.” For sure, we will never be lonely again. The following texts give us a glimpse of what eternity will be like for believers.John 14:1-3 NIVDo not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for

you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.Philippians 1:21-23 (Christian Standard Bible)For me, living is Christ and dying is gain. Now if I live on in the flesh, this means fruitful work for me; and I don’t know which one I should choose. I am pressured by both. I have the desire to depart and be with Christ—which is far better—but to remain in the flesh is more necessary for you.2 Corinthians 4:14 NIVBecause we know that the One who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will raise us also with Jesus, and present us with you in his presence.1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 CSBFor the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel’s voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then, we who are still alive will be caught up together with then in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air; and so we will always be with the Lord.Revelation 21:3-4 NIVAnd I heard a loud voice form the throne saying, “now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.Revelation 22:3-4 CSBAnd there will no longer be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and His servants will serve Him. They will see his face, and His name will be on their foreheads.

Elizabeth Elliot says: “It is possible both to accept and to endure loneliness without bitterness when there is a vision of glory beyond.” (Path, 108).

“Amen. Come Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.” Revelation 22:20

Biblical Promises for the Lonely[All verses taken from the English Standard Version unless marked differently]Ezra 9:9 For we are slaves, yet our God has not forsaken us in our

slavery, but has extended to us his steadfast love before the kings of

Persia, to grant us some reviving to set up the house of our God, to

repair its ruins, and to give us protection in Judea and Jerusalem. Psalm 1:6for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish. Psalm 9:10Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 27:10 NIVThough my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.Psalm 16:11You make known to me the path of life; in your presence

there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures

forevermore. Psalm 37:25 CEVAs long as I can remember, good people have never been

left helpless, and their children have never gone begging for food. Psalm 41:12But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me

in your presence forever.Psalm 42:1 CEVAs a deer gets thirsty for streams of water, I truly am thirsty

for you, my God.Psalm 46:1God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always

found in times

of trouble.Psalm 68:5-6 CEVYou find families for those who are lonely. You set prisoners

free and let them prosper, but all who rebel will live in a scorching

desert. Psalm 73:23-25 CSBYet I am always with You; You hold my right hand. You

guide me with Your counsel, and afterwards You will take me up in glory.

Whom do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth but

You.Psalm 94:14 NIVFor the LORD will not reject his people; he will never

forsake hisinheritance. [Note: There are several texts where God says

that he will abandon his people. The context is always discipline for disobedience. “Abandoning” in this context means stepping away from blessing, protection and provision. God’s purpose in leaving is to induce repentance. Isaiah 2:6 and 2 Chronicles 12:5.]

Psalm 121:1-4 CEVI look to the hills! Where will I find help? It will come from

the LORD, who created the heavens and the earth. The LORD is

your protector, and he won't go to sleep or let you stumble. The

protector of Israel doesn't doze or ever get drowsy. Psalm 139:7-10Where could I go to escape from your Spirit or from your

sight? If I were to climb up to the highest heavens, you would be

there. If I were to dig down to the world of the dead you would also be

there. Suppose I had wings like the dawning day and flew across

the

ocean. Even then your powerful arm would guide and protect me.

Isaiah 41:10 CSBDo not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am

your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you

with My righteous right hand.Jeremiah 29:123-13Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I

will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with

all your heart,Matthew 28:20…..and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." John 14:16-18And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another

Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world

cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You

know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. "I will not leave

you as orphans; I will come to you. Romans 8:15For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into

fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom

we cry, "Abba! Father!" Romans 8:26Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not

know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself

intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Romans 8:28 CSB

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love

God: those who are called according to His purpose.Romans 8:38-39I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers,

nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor

depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from

the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Philippians 4:8-9 CEVFinally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true,

pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don't ever stop thinking about

what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. You know the

teachings I gave you, and you know what you heard me say and saw me do.

So follow my example. And God, who gives peace, will be with you. Philippians 4:13I can do all things through him who strengthens me.Hebrews 4:15-16 CEVJesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was

tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin! So whenever we

are in need, we should come bravely before the throne of our merciful

God. There we will be treated with undeserved kindness, and we will

find help. Hebrews 13:5Don't fall in love with money. Be satisfied with what you

have. The Lord has promised that he will not leave us or desert us.

That should make you feel like saying, "The Lord helps me! Why should I

be afraid

of what people can do to me?"

A Select Bibliography on Loneliness[I would recommend the works in bold print as first reads.]Secular WorksLynch, James J. The Broken Heart: The Medical

Consequences of Loneliness. Basic books, 1977.Moustakes, Clark E. Loneliness. Prentice-Hall, 1961.“Loneliness,” www.wikipedia.com Popovich, Stanley. “Loneliness.” www.managingfear.com Rubinstein, Carin and Philip Shaver. In Search of

Intimacy. Delacorte Press, 1982. [Includes an interesting scale to measure loneliness.]

Sean. “What is Loneliness?” www.webofloneliness.comWeiss, Robert. Loneliness: The Experience of Emotional and

Social Isolation. MIT, 1975.Wolff, Richard. The Meaning of Loneliness. Key, 1970.

Religious WorksCarter, Les, Paul D. Meier and Frank Minirth. Why Be

Lonely?A Guide to Meaningful Relationships. Baker, 1982.

Elliot, Elizabeth. The Path of Loneliness. Revell, 1998.Gardner, Tim Alan. The Naked Soul: God’s Amazing

Everyday Solution to Loneliness. Waterbrook, 2004.Madden, James P., editor. Loneliness: Issues of Emotional

Living in an Age of Stress for Clergy and Religious. Affirmation Books, 1976.

Natale, Samuel M. Loneliness and Spiritual Growth. Religious Education Press, 1986.

Nouwen, Henri. Edited by R. Durback. Seeds of Hope. Bantam, 1989.

___________. The Way of the Heart. Seabury, 1989.Powell, Cyril H. The Lonely Heart: The Answer to the

Problem of Loneliness through Life. Abingdon, 1960Timmons, Tim. Loneliness is not a Disease. Harvest, 1981.Tournier, Paul. Escape from Loneliness. Westminister,

1962.Wiersbe, Warren. Lonely People: Biblical Lessons on

Understanding and Overcoming Loneliness Baker, 2002.

Zacharias, Ravi. Cries of the Heart. Word, 1998.