‘Oddly Normal’ by John Schwartz - NYTimes

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  • ODDLY NORMALOne Familys Struggle

    to Help Their Teenage

    Son Come to Terms

    With His Sexuality

    By John Schwartz

    Illustrated. 290 pages.

    Gotham Books. $26.

    December 12, 2012

    A Son Comes Out, Needing More ThanHis FamilyBy STEPHEN KARAM

    Joseph Schwartz has sophisticated, loving parents.When they noticed their sons aversion to sports andattraction to dolls, they didnt assume Joseph wasgay; they just knew he was different. When Josephreferred to Saladin, the well-dressed 12th-centurySultan of Egypt and Syria, as the fabulous Muslimleader, they simply embraced their sons panache.When his father, John, discovered pictures of nakedmen in Josephs Internet history well, at that point

    Josephs parents did assume he was gay. Still, John Schwartz and his wife,Jeanne Mixon, wisely waited for their son to come out on his own terms,which he eventually did, at the age of 12.

    And at 13, surrounded by this unconditional love, Joseph came home fromschool, locked the bathroom door and tried to kill himself.

    John and Jeannes struggle to help Joseph recover from his suicide attempt(and the years of turmoil leading up to it) make up the main thrust of Mr.Schwartzs meticulous and, at times, moving memoir, Oddly Normal. Mr.Schwartz is a national correspondent for The New York Times, and hisreporters tool kit is evident in the books inclusion of concise, usefulprimers on the current state of gay rights as well as myriad research andstatistics regarding lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth.

    And how many fathers have access to all of their phone logs dating back to1994? I know it sounds compulsive, Mr. Schwartz admits. And it is,perhaps; his fastidiousness produces a clear accounting of events, butoccasionally keeps us on the exterior of the characters beating hearts for toolong. Still, his familys story consistently reveals trenchant insights into thechallenges of raising a gay child at a time when kids are coming out youngerand younger, and school systems are adapting fast, but not always fastenough.

    Josephs outbursts started in the classroom. With two older siblings alreadyin school and relatively well adjusted, Joseph didnt cause much alarm to his

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  • parents with his early behavioral issues, troubling though they were to histeachers. By the end of elementary school Josephs restiveness hadmanifested itself in the form of tantrums, run-ins with bullies, heatedconfrontations with insensitive teachers and, most hilariously, a scathingbook report on the childrens novel Where the Red Fern Grows: I hatedthe dogs. I was glad when they died, because it meant that the book wasover.

    At home the Schwartzes kept noting what they call the big honking cluesregarding their sons sexuality. But was being in the closet causing Josephsbehavioral problems or merely adding to them?

    Mr. Schwartz takes an interesting look at the less obvious challenges ofcoming out in the age of It Gets Better videos. Things are vastly better,unquestionably, but for youngsters like Joe, it can also mean losing theability to hide in the ignorance of others during the sensitive years leadingup to the decision to come out. (I can relate. As a closeted 14-year-old inScranton, Pa., I sang a song from Miss Saigon in a school talent show; myfriends thought I was a tenor and kind of pitchy, not gay.)

    At the end of seventh grade Joseph came out. At home it was a nonevent; atschool it was a nightmare. Several students complained that his remarksabout his sexuality had made them uncomfortable. Filled with despair,Joseph came home from school and hatched a plan to overdose on Benadrylthen slash his wrists in the tub. (Thankfully he only took the pills.)

    Plunged into every parents worst nightmare, his father replayed what inhindsight seemed like telling moments, like when his mother noticed Josephcovertly throw a scarf over a shower curtain rod and, more than a year later,an angry red ring mysteriously appeared around his neck. Joseph toldthem, rather implausibly, it was a cat scratch. Mr. Schwartz muses guiltily,At this point you might be thinking, These people are blind.

    Understandable as their self-doubt may be, John and Jeanne prove to beremarkable parents in the way they fearlessly face the daunting question:What can we do to make Joe well? The dizzying array of conflictingdiagnoses already proposed by school psychologists and medicalprofessionals complicated matters: Could Joseph have attention deficithyperactivity disorder? Aspergers? Depression? Bipolar disorder? Sensoryintegration disorder?

    Chekhov observed, When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, thatmeans it cant be cured. With no panacea in sight, Josephs parents worked

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  • with doctors to create a multifaceted plan to match his varied needs: theprescription drug Abilify for controlling his moods and impulsivity;continued therapy to monitor his progress; theater camp and programs atthe gay and lesbian center in New York City for socialization and normalcy.Slowly but surely Joseph found allies. He even began to embrace his label asthe gay kid. He even dyed his hair purple.

    Mr. Schwartzs book doesnt purport to be a step-by-step guide in raising agay child, but its candid discussion of one familys emotional, medical andeducational trials (and the inclusion of an appendix listing organizationsdedicated to L.G.B.T. youth), makes the book as valuable a resource forparents of gay kids as any official handbook on the subject.

    If theres a slight hitch to this admirable memoir by an estimable father, itsthat Oddly Normal is the story of two parents struggles; yet Mr. Schwartz,ever a devoted dad, is more interested in exploring his sons inner workingsthan his own. This leads to passages that, while always cleareyed in theirrecounting of events, lack emotional pull.

    To his credit, though, Mr. Schwartz winningly ends the book on anemotional high, through the inclusion of one of Josephs creative-writingassignments, an original childrens book he created when he was 15.Alongside Josephs savvy stick-figure drawings, we meet Leo, a boy whodreams of becoming emperor of the galaxy, but for now, earthbound, mustdeal with the pain of unrequited love. (Frederick just wasnt that into him.)Mostly Leo wants to be loved for who he is. Im pleased to report he liveshappily ever after.

    In real life, of course, Mr. Schwartz knows no father can guarantee his childwill always be happy. But in sharing his familys story, he may free up otherkids like Joseph to be something greater: themselves.

    Stephen Karam is the author of the play Sons of the Prophet, a finalist for the 2012 Pulitzer Prize in

    drama.

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