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Richard Beeston

now that you are backA journey through depression

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PO Box A287, Sydney South, Australia 1235

Ph: 02 8268 3333 • Fax: 02 8268 3357 Email: sales@youthworks.net • Web: www.bluebottlebooks.net

Published August 2008

Copyright Blue Bottle Books 2008 © Richard Beeston

Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part of this book may be reproduced by any process without the written permission of the publisher.

Scripture taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version.

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. ‘NIV’ and ‘New International Version’ are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and

Trademark office by International Bible Society.

National Library of Australia ISBN 978-1-921460-09-8

Cover design by Andrew Beeston

Typesetting and internal design by Andrew Hope

Thank you ...

To our families – for your constant support throughout our journey, for never giving up on us, and for taking us out for coffee.

To our friends – for sticking by us, and for sending us cards and food just when we needed it!

To Dr Ross Fulton – for always going beyond the call of duty.

To Dave, Gav and Dorny from All Mankind – for giving me an outlet for my songs and emotions, and for letting Ali come on tour.

To Ants – for working tirelessly on the book design and cover, and helping us look good.

To Rhonda, Sue, Julie and the team at Blue Bottle Books who saw the need for this book, and made it all happen.

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ContentsWhy I wrote this book 5

1 Anxious beginnings 7The Alison I first knew

Panic attacks begin

Research: What are panic attacks?

Hoping it all goes away

2 The ‘black dog’ attacks 15The elderly woman

Research: What is post-traumatic stress disorder?

The knife and the diagnosis

Research: What is clinical depression?

Why does God allow suffering?

3 Goodbye life 25Goodbye house

Goodbye money

Goodbye wife

Goodbye band, goodbye dreams

4 Surprise reactions 33Responses from our friends and family

Closet depressives begin to appear

Research: The extent of depression in society

How can Christians help the depressed?

5 Is depression spiritual, mental or physical? 43Is depression a spiritual problem?

Research: Psychiatry and the medical basis of depression

Research: Psychology and Cognitive behaviour therapy

A balanced view of suffering, depression and healing

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6 Now that you are back (the recovery) 53The weekend that turned it all aroundPrayer, provision and Christian loveLooking to the future

7 Thank God for depression 61Alison steps outRichard’s music and ministrySick or healthy, rich or poor – God loves you

8 Alison reflects 69 Alison adds her thoughts Alison’s favourite Bible passages

9 Appendix 77 Endnotes Some useful websites Some useful books Richard’s music

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5Why I wrote this book

Why I wrote this bookWhen performing my music, I often take the opportunity to talk about

my wife’s experiences with depression, and share what we learned

about God and ourselves during that period in our life. It amazes

me how many people speak to either Alison or me after the show

and confide in us their own struggles with this illness. For whatever

personal reasons, they are generally reluctant to talk to anyone else,

and we are sometimes the first people they ever open up to. To me,

this indicates a couple of problems. Firstly, if people are only telling

us about their depression, then there must be many more who aren’t

telling anyone! Secondly, the reluctance to open up on this issue

appears to be based on a fear of how other people will respond.

It seems to me, there is a large group of people with depression

who are not getting appropriate help, care and support because no

one is aware they need it. There is also a large percentage of the

general population who aren’t well informed about depression, and

have difficulty knowing how to help and care for someone when they

actually do tell them they need it.

For Christians in particular, there are also many questions that

depression raises. For example, why does God allow people to

suffer this illness? Why doesn’t he immediately restore people to full

health? Is depression just a ‘spiritual’ problem? Is it a sign of sin in

a person’s life? Should a depressed person take medication? Can

psychiatric and psychological treatment help?

I am not an expert on mental illnesses or depression, but I am sure

what I discovered on our journey could be of some help to others who

are on theirs. I knew nothing about depression before this all began,

but I have since gained an insight into what depression actually is,

what it is like to be depressed, and some good ways to fight back

and begin the recovery process. I also discovered something of the

joy of suffering, the great hope of heaven, and the way God can use

terrible experiences to help us trust him even more.

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6 Now that you are back

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7

1 Anxious beginnings

‘Tell me can you hear the crack from a hard life breaking?’

Can you hear me? from Puzzles by all mankind

1Anxious beginnings

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8 Now that you are back

The Alison I first knew

There were two main things that initially attracted me to Alison.

Firstly, she was funny. I think it takes a lot to make me laugh, really

laugh, but she had the ability, and I admit I was surprised. In fact

I was fully prepared to employ my fake laugh to win her over, but

once she put on her mischievous smile, opened her eyes wide and

delivered the punch line, I never needed to. One of the first jokes she

told me was this:

‘Ask me if I’m a tea towel.’

‘OK, are you a tea towel?’ I asked.

‘No.’

It’s all in the delivery. Trust me.

The second thing that won me over was Alison’s integrity. By that, I

mean she was strong and passionate about her beliefs, and almost

annoyingly consistent in living up to them, even when her standards

appeared to me somewhat unsustainable.

From early on she challenged me, disagreed with me, poked holes in

my arguments and made me feel inadequate – I loved it!

From the moment she asked me (accused me), ‘Why do you cross

against the traffic lights?’ I was hooked. I remember thinking, ‘What?

You’re crazy! Everyone crosses against the traffic lights. It’s impractical

and impossible not to! What if you’re in a hurry? What if you know it’s

completely safe? Well, yes, I guess we’re meant to obey the law. Yes,

I suppose I should have more patience, but …’. I was studying media

at university, and was used to people challenging me to think.

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9Anxious beginnings

However, these weren’t just challenges to my intellect, they were

challenges to my whole life! – my actions, my opinions, my prejudices,

my core beliefs.

One after one, she shot all my arguments down, until my former

thoughts and ideas about what life was all about lay lifeless on the

floor. Here was someone I could love with my whole heart, soul and

mind. It took me about three hours to know I wanted to marry her. But

long before marriage was even discussed, our troubles began.

During our early dating years, we spent a lot of late nights talking,

and this time we must have been discussing something significant,

because Alison was crying.

This was not particularly unusual. She is what I would call an ‘over-

identifier’. She identifies with other people’s emotions so strongly, that

she often ends up in worse shape than the person she is consoling.

If you cry, she’ll cry more. If a character in a movie gets sad, she’ll

get sadder.

In fact, I recently found out she was banned from watching Sesame

Street when she was young, as she often burst into tears over minor

problems in the lives of Big Bird, Grover, Oscar and friends.

This night however was different. Something was really wrong. The

crying wouldn’t stop, and it started to get out of control. The tears

turned to sobs, the sobs to groans, and the groans to hysterics.

The volume increased and she curled up into a ball, holding on to

her legs for dear life. She rocked back and forth like a small boat in a

huge ocean, and I found myself at a loss to know what to do.

The regular pat on the back, ‘it’s going to be all right’ routine wasn’t

going to work this time. I tried ‘Alison, talk to me – what’s wrong?’

Nothing. I raised my voice, trying to break through. Hopeless.

I prayed, ‘God, whatever this is, fix it now!’ No reply. Whatever this

was, it had taken control of her body, and as she writhed and

convulsed, tears welled in my eyes and I looked on helplessly.

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10 Now that you are back

Panic attacks begin

I found out the next day that what I had witnessed was called a panic

attack. Apparently fairly common according to the doctor, but this

one was more severe than normal. At the time, Alison was studying

social work at university, and was in the middle of an emotionally

demanding practical component of the course. She was tired from

juggling the demands of her degree, her work commitments, and the

serious progression of our relationship.

Personally, I thought a panic attack was a somewhat reasonable

response to the situation. I imagined it as her mind crying out for a

break, using her body as a megaphone. I assumed a bit of rest, a bit

less of me, and a few changes here and there would fix it up, and we

could move on. Turns out I didn’t know a lot about panic attacks, or

the brain, or the nature of people, or much at all really.

Research: What are panic attacks?

So, I started to investigate. I began reading various books, and it

turned out that what is normally called a ‘panic attack’ could be

more accurately described as an ‘anxiety overload’. Many sufferers

experience a sudden onset of intense anxiety. The attacks can cause

shaking, shortness of breath, faintness, dizziness, rapid heartbeat and

many more symptoms. The episodes are normally short (between two

and 30 minutes), but leave the person feeling depressed, exhausted,

confused and sometimes embarrassed by what has just happened1.

For some people, panic attacks can be mild, and will only occur

once or twice. However, if the panic attacks are recurrent, a person

may be diagnosed with ‘panic disorder’. For such people, attacks

can begin to happen unexpectedly, and be completely unrelated to

the situation they are in2. I also discovered later that panic attacks

can be associated with, or can become precursors to depression. Of

course, the problem is that once you have had your first attack, you

start to get anxious that it might happen again! Not helpful.

In an effort to work out how to control the anxiety, Alison started

seeing her doctor and counselor. In the meantime, we continued to

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11Anxious beginnings

enjoy our flourishing relationship. There didn’t seem to be enough

hours in the day to spend time together!

We talked incessantly about getting married. We wanted desperately

to see each other all day, every day. We began going on shopping

trips, noting the prices of everything from toothbrushes to dining

tables, pricing how much it would cost to set up a new home together.

We researched the rental market, created budgets, tried to convince

our parents we were old enough, and began dreaming about where

we would live and how perfect life would be once we got married.

All the while, the panic attacks increased and started to become a

regular feature of our daily lives. They happened at her house, at my

house, at coffee shops, at parties, and during church. They happened

wherever and whenever, mostly without any warning.

One happened after a happy night of planning our future lives

together. It was very aggressive, and Alison’s body and mind both

became completely hysterical. She began pleading with me, ‘You

have to break up with me!’ I knew she didn’t really want me to, but

she insisted, ‘This is never going to go away – you don’t want to

marry someone like this!’ She had so many tears in her voice, I could

barely understand what she was saying.

I tried my best to keep her calm, ‘It will be OK’, I insisted, ‘besides, I

don’t care if it doesn’t go away, I want to be with you no matter what

happens!’ I tried to argue with her rationally, but it didn’t work. She

wasn’t thinking or acting rationally, and my arguments had no hope

of getting through.

After this and every subsequent attack, I made sure I took the time to

remind Alison of my love for her. I used the recovery time to assure

her that I would stay by her side regardless, and I would care for her

even if the attacks didn’t go away.

Yet underneath all this was a firm but misguided belief in my own

mind – yes, I would stand by Alison as she struggled with this

condition, but surely once we got married, the panic attacks would

simply stop.

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12 Now that you are back

Hoping it all goes away

One of my worst habits is a constant need to come up with escape

plans. I have spent many a night wondering how I would escape if a

thief or murderer came into my room, or what my exit plan would be

if I decided to hold up a bank (which I don’t think I’ll ever get round

to doing). Yet, no matter what I’m trying to escape from, my thinking

always comes back to one simple phrase, ‘run away’.

Inevitably, I started thinking this was the solution for our current

problem – get married and run away. I was sure it would fix everything.

Leave all our problems behind, and head for the hills. I hadn’t studied

psychology or psychiatry, but I still thought this was a good theory.

I sincerely believed that the overflowing euphoria of marital bliss

would fill our lives, and as we moved out of home, and changed

suburbs and careers, we would leave all signs of the panic attacks

far behind. I held on to the unhelpful idea (which I think must have

come from watching too many movies) that life is perfect in the world

of marriage.

I imagined our future like one of those scenes that is filmed in black

and white, and then all of a sudden fills with colour. The sad eyes

and dour frowns of the black and white existence turn into joyful

smiles and exuberant dancing, as the world is transformed in a wash

of bright yellows, soft pinks and bold blues.

After we eventually did get married, my theory about ‘marriage

world’ was quickly debunked. Yes, marriage was amazing and so

much more than I expected, but it wasn’t perfect. The panic attacks

continued, and so we carried on looking for help. We eventually

found a psychologist who gave Alison some great help in getting the

attacks under control.

From these sessions came a number of useful skills to assist with

managing the symptoms. Recognising when an attack was coming,

challenging negative thoughts, and deep breathing were all

encouraged as useful methods to help calm her body and control

her emotions.

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13Anxious beginnings

Gradually as Alison implemented these techniques, things began to

improve. Eventually we could go a whole week without seeing any

sign of the panic attacks. Life was getting back on track.

We were now married, were renting a small apartment, and were

both in full-time work. The future once again, seemed full of promise.

What we didn’t realise was the panic attacks were just the beginning

of our troubles.

The physical symptoms might have been brought under control, but

what lay behind the symptoms was far more menacing. The ‘black

dog’, as Winston Churchill famously labelled depression, had already

begun exposing his fangs, sharpening his claws and preparing for his

next strike.

The panic attacks had hurt, but we had got back on our feet.

However, this next assault was to be a long, drawn-out vicious

depression. It would eventually leave us emotionally mutilated,

mentally broken and spiritually bleeding. We would be brought to

our knees, desperately begging God to have mercy.