Nathaniel D. Danjibo, Ph.D

What is EQ?“It is the capacity to perceive, express,

understand, use and manage emotions in oneself and other people (Mayer and Salovey, 1995).

EQ CompetenceEmotional competence such as empathy,

adaptability, self-control, emotional self-awareness, the ability to develop good connections are crucial to conflict management- Joni King Brooks, 2002

People with high emotional intelligence EQs are clearly more effective in resolving conflict than low-EQ people.

Skills and ProgrammingThe real question is, “What will you do when

your emotions are triggered?” How you behave in those situations is largely the result of your programming. The effectiveness of a conflict management training program is certainly dependent on the program’s ability to transfer the right skills.

Conflict Management SkillsConflict management is about teamwork,

respect, flexibility, collaboration and negotiation. Effective conflict management training programs teach people to step back and consider outcomes from the perspective of team objectives. Too often, coworkers find themselves arguing about petty issues; and if they aren’t careful, these interactions can trigger waves of defensiveness and hostility. The best conflict negotiators lead conversations toward team goals, team interests and opportunities for achieving win-win solutions.

“…alumni of conflict management training programs report that although they are trying to follow the steps, they aren’t getting the desired results. As it turns out, the problem is not in the tools or the steps. Often, the problem is a lack of emotional intelligence skills”.

Emotional Intelligence SkillsEmotional intelligence skills can be divided

into four categories: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. Within each category is a set of skills that, when coupled with conflict resolution tools and techniques, will yield great results. But these skills have to be learned, practiced and internalized if they are to be successful.

Self-AwarenessRecognizing and identifying one's own

reactions in real time is a crucial first step to emotional intelligence. Self-awareness is a powerful skill set and is essential for enabling self-management skills.

When strong negative emotions are triggeredThe limbic system within the brain is

immediately activated, obstructing of the executive functions of the brain and putting the individual in a potentially volatile, reactive state. 

High-EQ people recognize this and have learned to neutralize their internal, automatic reactions. They proceed with caution, keeping their reactions in check.

Low-EQ people, on the other hand, become externally focused on the person or situation that has “caused” the problem they face, and thus allow their reactions to “hijack” their behavior.

Self-ManagementSelf-management is the skill set that enables

you to exert conscious control over your behavior in a situation where your reactions could sabotage the outcome you want to achieve.

People with high EQ are likely to visualize and overcome their emotions, thereby are able to become better conflict managers than people with low EQ.

Social AwarenessHigh-EQ people, on the other hand, tune in to

others; they establish empathy and look for positive intentions behind negative behavior. Instead of reacting negatively to "bad" behavior, they seek to respond to the other person’s positive intentions and to lead them toward behaviors that better express those intentions.

Low-EQ people tend to make false assumptions in the heat of emotion. They often assume that there is a negative intent behind the behavior of others, usually as a form of projection.

Relationship ManagementDespite whatever ongoing relationship they

may have with someone, when negative emotional reactions are triggered low EQ persons are likely to react in the heat of the moment, with destructive behavior that undermines their future relationship with that person.

EQ Improvement SkillsShifting Positions: To understand how

another person is feeling, you need to get a sense of how they are seeing you. Try to see the conflict situation through the eyes of the other person.

Monitoring Your Emotional Triggers“Our reactions are as individual as we are”.

Your reactions may include anger, defensiveness, blaming, attacking, stonewalling, yelling, clamming up or shutting down, in varying degrees or combinations

Monitoring and Managing Your StateYour state, at any moment during conflict,

includes your state of mind, your emotional state and your physiological state. We might describe resourceful states with adjectives such as happy, enthusiastic, energetic, confident, focused or calm.

Reframing Perception“This person is impossible to work with” is a

way of framing the person - a way that may very well make it impossible, at least for you, to work with them.

“Don’t mind him/her jare, that is how they behave. They won’t change!”

Frames of ReferenceWhen you learn to continually monitor your

frames of reference during conflict, you soon discover opportunities to reframe your thinking. Reframing is the heart of creative thinking, and when applied to difficult situations, often gives you the power to resolve conflicts you would previously have given up on.

Monitoring and Managing Your ConnectionsConflict is all about people. You are likely to

resolve conflicts faster when you are able to bring conflicting parties to meet each other, talk to each other and having breakfast or dinner together.

Reflective ListeningListening is a critical conflict management

skill, but when strong emotions are triggered, most people lose their capacity to really listen. In reflective listening, you do just the opposite. You consciously focus on the other person, their intentions and their perceptions. 

ConclusionWork hard to overcome your emotions and

you will be a better conflict manager. This is what emotional intelligence is all about.

Thank You!