Me andMy Parents:Working It Out

1 videocassette..................................................23 minutes

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TEACHER’S NOTES

Copyright 1991SUNBURST COMMUNICATIONS, INC.

Pleasantville, NY 10570

ISBN: 1-5582-6963-0

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Executive Producer: Jean Robbins

Producer/Writer: Susan Simmons

Director: Herb Sevush

Video Production: Deerfield Video Hawthorne, NY

Teacher’s Guide: Ruth Grossman

TEACHER’S NOTES

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction ................................................................... 2

Learning Objectives....................................................... 4

Summary of the Program............................................... 5

Questions for Discussion ............................................... 8

Suggested Activities .................................................... 11

Role-Play Guidelines ................................................... 15

“Whose Voice Is Speaking?” ...................................... 16

Bibliography ................................................................ 17

Script ............................................................................ 19

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DR. ADVICE:Just compromise, that’s the way to act.You gotta give a little to get a little back.Actin’ like an adult, do it wise.Give a little, get a little, compromise.

The End

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INTRODUCTION

Adolescence has been described as having the distinc-tion of being the only period of life in which regression is apart of the maturational process. Suddenly, with the onset ofpuberty, children who previously were seen to be gaining inself-control and self-regulation begin to exhibit wide swingsof behavior, at one moment belligerent and moody, at thenext, carefree and happy. Seesawing wildly between defi-ance and submission, demanding independence but still notquite ready to let go, they focus their rebellion on the nearestadults at hand—their parents.

The years between 10 and 14 are turbulent and tryingyears for parents and children alike. Adolescents need thetime between childhood and nominal adulthood to accom-plish many developmental tasks, of which the most criticalis the forging of a sense of self. Their former ways ofthinking about themselves in relation to their parents nolonger adequate, they set to work to change the relationship.

Believing themselves responsible and mature enoughto make their own decisions and take charge of their ownlives, young adolescents hope to shake their parents intorecognition and appreciation of their new and emergingself. For their part, parents must not only deal with the factthat their child may not need them as much as formerly, butalso with their uncertainty about how much to let go. Withcontrol at the heart of the issue, the outcome can be a battlewhich no one wins.

ME AND MY PARENTS: WORKING IT OUT isdesigned to help young adolescents understand the nature

MOTHER:Your father and I will discuss it. And, you know,compromising—that’s a very mature way to handlethis.

LINDA:Thank you. Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad.

* * *

LINDA:Maria, guess what? I can go.

MARIA:All right!

TOM:You can go to Maria’s party?

LINDA:Yes. I can go.

ROBERT:How’d you do it?

DARRYL:What did you say to your parents?

LINDA:Well I listened to Dr. Advice on the radio and I justcompromised.

of the problem between them and their parents. Where theymay see enormous changes in themselves and long to beunderstood and treated as adults, the program tells viewers,parents see the child they knew all along. Used to being incharge, parents may fail to notice that their child is growingup. Nevertheless, they and their parents need not respond toeach other in combative ways. Demonstrating how view-ers’ own attitudes may contribute to the problem, theprogram challenges them to learn newer, more grown-upways of communicating with their parents.

Tools for change, the program shows viewers, can befound in the kinds of messages that parent and child sendeach other. Students are helped to see that when the mes-sages they send their parents reflect more mature behavior,the more likely it will be that their parents will treat them ina more mature way.

In presenting this concept, that the type of message yousend affects the message you get back, ME AND MYPARENTS: WORKING IT OUT offers not only genuineinsights but practical help. For, in giving students theopportunity to learn about—and practice—an alternativecommunication style, the program provides them with amodel for interaction that can help them deal constructivelywith family conflict.

FATHER:Sure.

LINDA:It’s about going to Grampa’s house Saturday night.

MOTHER:Haven’t we been through this already?

LINDA:I know Mom, but I have an idea. What if wecompromise…you know, work out a deal.

FATHER:What kind of a deal did you have in mind?

LINDA:Okay. I go with you to Grampa’s house, stay for dinner,and then Maria’s older sister comes and picks me up forthe party. You don’t have to drive and she’ll bring mehome too. Please.

FATHER:How old is Maria’s sister?

LINDA:She’s 20. She’s been driving for years.

MOTHER:A deal, hmmm. What do you think?

FATHER:I like that kind of thinking.

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LEARNING OBJECTIVES

To help students:

• Understand the nature of the conflict between themand their parents.

• Realize that they and their parents are on oppositesides of the same dilemma: how much to hold on andhow much to let go.

• Learn what they need to do to stop fighting withtheir parents.

• Explore newer, more grown-up ways of com-municating with their parents.

• Recognize the value of compromise in defusingconflict.

LINDA:Hi, this is Linda. I called in yesterday.

DR. ADVICE:Right. Did you talk to your parents about letting you goto your friend’s party?

LINDA:Not really. What I thought you could maybe help mewith is this compromise stuff.

DR. ADVICE:Sounds good, Linda. Let’s play it out right now. I’ll beyou and you be your parents.

Mom, Dad, can I talk to you?

LINDA:Sure.

DR. ADVICE:It’s about going to Grampa’s Saturday night.

LINDA:Now Linda, we’ve already been through this. There’snothing more to say.

DR. ADVICE:Well, I have an idea, Mom. What if we compromise?

* * *

LINDA:Mom, Dad, can I talk to you?

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SUMMARY OF THE PROGRAM

The program opens in the barbershop where Tom hasjust had his hair cut, his way. His friends, Robert and Darryl,are impressed with his new hairstyle, but also surprised atTom’s rashness. “Bet ya, I’d look good in that kind ofhaircut,” declares Robert. “Your mom would never let youget something as radical as that,” Darryl chides.

Tom is unfazed. “My mother didn’t say not to,” heretorts. “So what’s the problem?” He finds out as soon as hegets home: his mother is furious and announces she’s takinghim to get his hair recut the very next day.

Sulking around, Tom tunes into the Dr. Advice show,a radio talk-show for kids and becomes enticed by theprogram host’s invitation. “If you’re singing the parentblues, pick up your phone and buzz Dr. Advice so we can rapabout it.”

Dr. Advice’s first caller is Linda. Her parents treat herlike a baby, she tells Dr. Advice, and won’t let her plan herown free time. Now they are insisting that she accompanythem to her grandfather’s house on Saturday, even thoughshe has plans of her own—to attend her best friend Maria’sparty. A flashback reveals that the conflict, which hinges onwho decides what Linda will do, begins with Linda whiningand ends with her parents’ refusing to reconsider theirdecision.

Dr. Advice goes immediately to the core of the prob-lem: “You think you’re grown up, but your parents don’t.But they’re used to being in charge,” he adds, and tells

Oh, and Vinnie, make sure you hold up your end of thedeal. When the commercial comes, jump up and justdo it.

MARIA:Hey Linda, how about doing that compromise thingwith your parents?

LINDA:Yeah, but how?

MARIA:Maybe you can call Dr. Advice and ask him.

LINDA:No, I don’t think so.

MARIA:Come on, it’s worth a try.

LINDA:You think so?

MARIA:Yeah. Absolutely.

LINDA:Cool. I’ll do it.

DR. ADVICE:Now what can I do for our first caller. Hello, you’re onthe air.

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Linda, “It’s like they haven’t noticed you’ve been growingup. What you have to do,” he advises, “is show that you’remore grown-up than they think.” Then he proceeds toexplain how this can be done.

Instructing his young listeners that everyone has threevoices inside—Child, Parent, Adult—Dr. Advice explainsthat these voices have nothing to do with how old you are.The Child part in each of us, he explains, likes to have fun,do what it wants when it wants, but can also act demandingand whiney. The Parent part is the part of us that wants totake care of others, but it’s also the part that likes to makesrules and assume control. As for the Adult part, that’s thepart that thinks things out—the part that solves problems.

Wondering how this can help him, Tom calls Dr.Advice, who teaches him that the type of message—Child,Parent, or Adult—that you send out will affect the kind ofmessage you get back. It’s like playing catch, Dr. Adviceexplains, you throw out a Child message and you get backa Parent response.

What Tom needs to do to solve his problem, Dr. Advicegoes on, is to try to send an Adult, reasoning message, toexplain to his mother without whining that he feels he’s oldenough to decide about his own hair. “If you come to herwith a new, adult attitude,” Dr. Advice advises Tom,“maybe, just maybe, she’ll agree you’re old enough to makesome of your own decisions.” Tom decides to try sending anAdult message to his mother, and is elated to find it works.

Describing to his friends his success in changing hismother’s attitude, Tom explains that while she still doesn’t

DR. ADVICE:Doctor Advice is in and ready for house calls. So howdid you do with message listening? Did you break thecode? Give the Doctor a call and tell him all about itbecause the Doctor is here to help. Like I say, “Hey kid,you got a problem or what?!”

Okay, before I take the first call, let’s check out themail. Here’s a letter from Vinnie.

Dear Dr. A. I’ve got a major problem—every time I sitdown to watch TV, my mom’s on my case aboutsomething. Like clear the table, put your laundry away,take out the garbage. You know, anything. So, I tell her,“Not now, Ma. I’ve got something to watch. Later. I’lldo it later.” Then she gets really mad, and I get mad, andit’s a blowout. What am I going to do? Vinnie.

Well Vinnie, my man, I’ve got the word for you.Compromise. You know, part of acting more adult is tobe willing to give a little. So, instead of sending yourmom a demanding Child message, “Not now, I’ve gotto watch this.” You might send her a more reasonablemessage like, “Can it wait till the first commercial?”You might get back an Adult answer like, “Okay,Vinnie, if it’ll only take a few minutes.”

Just compromise, that’s the way to act.You gotta give a little to get a little back.Actin’ like an adult, do it wise.Give a little, get a little. Compromise.

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like his hair, she does understand his feelings and the twohave stopped fighting about it. Linda tells Tom she’d like totry sending an Adult message to her parents, but isn’t surehow. Renee also needs help with a problem—convincingher parents she’s old enough to choose her own friends.Using role-play, Tom and his friends show Renee why herChild messages provoke Parent responses, and offer sug-gestions she can use for sending Adult messages.

But Linda still hasn’t solved her problem. Tuning inagain to KID-100, she and Maria hear Dr. Advice helpingVinnie with his problem. “Compromise is the word for you,Vinnie,” Dr. Advice tells him. “Give a little, get a little.Make a deal and be sure to hold up your end.”

Hearing this exchange, Maria has an idea—maybeLinda can change her parents’ minds by offering a compro-mise. Linda phones Dr. Advice, and the two role-play howLinda can work it out. When Linda presents her idea to herparents: she’ll go to her grandfather’s with them, stay fordinner, and then have Maria’s older sister pick her up in timefor the party, her parents agree that the idea has merit.“Compromising—that’s a very mature way to handle aproblem,” her mother tells a happy Linda. Wrapping it up,Dr. Advice delivers some final advice:

Just compromise, that’s the way to act.You gotta give a little to get a little back.Acting like an adult, do it wise.Give a little, get a little. Compromise.

MARIA:Yeah, you are. But you’re doomed from the start whenyou talk like that. You sounded like a two-year oldthrowing a tantrum.

DARRYL:No wonder they treat you like one.

LINDA:Just like Dr. Advice said, if you send out a Childmessage, you’re going to get a Parent message back.

TOM:You could try explaining to them that Joan and Kylaare good students and don’t get into trouble at school.

LINDA:And then tell them why you like hanging out with them.

MARIA:Yeah, and how about having them over so your parentscan meet them.

RENEE:Yeah, if I can just get them to know Joan and Kyla, thenmaybe they’ll change their minds. Does that soundadult? Thanks guys.

LINDA:So who’s gonna help me with my problem? I still don’tknow what to say to my parents without ending up inan argument.

* * *

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QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

(1) Tom’s mother is angry because Tom has had his haircut in a style she doesn’t like. Is it fair of Tom’s momto make him get his hair restyled? Defend your answer.

(2) If you were a parent, how would you decide issues ofhow much and what kinds of responsibilities to giveyour child?

(3) Small issues often provoke big conflicts betweenchildren and their parents. What issues are the mostlikely to cause conflict? Why do you think it is thatsome families are better than others at negotiatingthese same issues?

(4) “You used to get along, but now everything’s a battle,”says Dr. Advice of the conflicts that arise betweenchildren and their parents. What is the biggest mistakea parent can make in a parent-child relationship at thistime?

(5) What is the biggest mistake a child can make in thesame relationship at this time?

(6) What do you think Dr. Advice means when he tells hislisteners they have to show their parents they aren’tbabies anymore?

(7) Dr. Advice tells his radio audience that everyone hasthree voices inside. What are some typical Childmessages? Typical Parent messages?

DARRYL:You can try sending him an Adult message.

RENEE:What do you mean?

TOM:Come on, we’ll do it with you. Maria, you be her mom.

ROBERT:And I’ll be her dad.

TOM:Okay. Renee, pretend it’s after dinner and you want toask you parents to talk with you.

RENEE:Okay. I’m not sure what I’m doing, but here goes.Mom, Dad, I’ve got to talk to you now. You know thisthing you have about Joan and Kyla—well, it’s not fair.You treat me like a two-year old, not letting me choosemy own friends. You act like I need your permission tobreathe.

ROBERT:Watch your tone, young lady. I’ve had enough of yourattitude.

RENEE:Hey, what’s going on? I thought I was supposed to letthem know how I feel.

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(8) “You don’t have to be a child to act like a child,” saysDr. Advice. What do you think he means?

(9) What does Dr. Advice mean when he says, “The Parentpart of us doesn’t have anything to do with being aparent”? Do parents ever send Child messages, and dochildren ever send Parent messages? Give someexamples of each.

(10) Adult means grown-up. What is the difference betweena Parent message and an Adult message? Give someexamples of each.

(11) Dr. Advice tells his listeners, “The type of message yousend someone affects the message you get back.” Whatdoes he mean?

(12) Tom sends his mother an Adult message and gets andAdult message back. Do you think this would workwith all parents? Why or why not?

(13) Maria tells Renee to show her father that he can trusther to choose her own friends by sending him Adultmessages. But in the role-play, Renee failed to do this.Why? What could she have said instead?

(14) Renee feels put down by her father’s lack of trust, eventhough he feels he just wants to protect her. How mightRenee’s father compromise?

(15) Linda’s parents feel Linda must ask permission toarrange her social schedule. When is it okay for parents

FATHER:Joan and Kyla? Does your mother know? I thoughtwe’ve been through this, Renee. Those girls are too oldfor you to hang around with. What’s wrong withKathry Garvey? Why can’t you be friends with her.She’s a nice girl.

RENEE:Why can’t I choose my own friends? Ya know, Joanand Kyla don’t treat me like you do. They don’t thinkI’m too young to hang out with them. You’re alwayspicking on me and trying to ruin my life.

FATHER:I’m not picking on you and I’m not trying to ruin yourlife. I’m just concerned for you. All right?

* * *

RENEE:Anyway, they’re still on me about dropping Joan andKyla. And there’s no good reason for it. It’s not likethey do drugs or something. So really, do you think thismessage stuff can help?

MARIA:Well, Dr. Advice says you just have to show yourfather that he can trust you to choose your own friends.

RENEE:But how can I show him if he won’t give me a chance?

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to demand this? When is it not okay?(16) Following Vinnie’s example, Linda worked out a

compromise with her parents. Why is compromisingthe adult thing to do? Have you ever worked out acompromise with your parents? Describe what

LINDA:Why? What’s happening?

RENEE:Well, last Saturday I was listening to some music, andmy dad comes in…

FATHER:That noise is driving me crazy. Turn that thing off rightnow.

RENEE:It’s not noise and it’s not loud. You just don’t understand.Well, it doesn’t matter anyway because I’m going out.

FATHER:Where are you going? And when are you cominghome?

RENEE:Why do you have to know every detail about my wholelife?

FATHER:Don’t talk to me like that, young lady.

RENEE:All right. All right. I’m meeting Joan and Kyla at themall. I’ll be home for dinner.

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happened.SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES

(1) When young people and their parents disagree, controlis usually at the heart of the issue. Ask students to writea short essay on “My Three Biggest Problems with MyParents.” Ask them to follow it up with a second essayon how they would handle the same problems if theywere parents. If students wish, have them share theiressays with the rest of the class.

(2) Growing up means finding new ways of dealing withthe world, ways that will bring success and satisfy ayoung person’s desire for independence. This struggleis a common theme in young people’s literature. Askinterested students to write a report on one of the bookslisted in the bibliography on page 17, or one that maybe suggested by the school librarian, and read it aloudto the class.

(3) Parent-child conflict all too often accompanies thegrowing-up process. But given the chance, youngpeople can usually surprise themselves and their parentsand come up with creative—and positive—ways ofresolving it.

In each of the following situations, a conflict has arisenbetween a young person and his/her parents. Divideinterested students into groups of two or three. Askeach group to select a situation and devise writtendialogue setting the stage for the conflict described and

TOM:I’m telling you, this Adult message thing really workedfor me. I did just what the Doctor said. I sent an Adultmessage about my hair and her whole attitude changed.She gave me some respect.

ROBERT:Yeah. I saw it with my own eyes.

RENEE:Oh right, so now she loves your hair?

TOM:No, but at least we’re not arguing about it and sheunderstands how I feel.

MARIA:Hi guys. Tom, I love your hair.

LINDA:Yeah, and I heard you on Dr. Advice yesterday.

ROBERT:We heard you too. So did you try that message thingwith your parents yet?

LINDA:Nope. Not yet. I’m not sure how to do it. That’s myproblem.

TOM:I was just explaining it to Renee. Her parents are reallyon her case.

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projecting a resolution.Have the groups perform the scripts for the rest of theclass. As an alternative, a group might agree in advanceon a general outline and improvise as they go along.Pause after each performance to allow the rest of theclass to share their feelings and perhaps suggest an-other way the situation might be resolved.a. Tim has arranged to spend this beautiful spring

Saturday bicycling out to the lake with his friendPaul. Tim’s father, however, wants Tim’s help inturning over the vegetable garden.

b. Lisa’s plan for tomorrow is to meet her friends at themall, but her parents have other ideas. Her cousinSusan, whom Lisa knows her friends don’t like, iscoming to visit, and Lisa must either take Susanalong, or stay home and entertain her.

c. Michael likes to relax in front of the television set fora couple of hours before doing his homework. Buthe isn’t getting to bed early enough, has difficultygetting up in the morning, and his grades have begunto slip. Now his parents are cutting off his televisionprivileges.

d. Megan’s mother objects to the way Megan keepsher room, and is always finding some pretext to goin to straighten it up. This angers Megan, who feelsit’s her room and her mother should respect herprivacy.

(4) Young people often complain that there is either nologic behind the way their parents resist their desire for

TOM:So, I can leave it like this?

MOTHER:I’ll think about it.

TOM:Thanks, Mom. (And thank you Dr. A.)

ROBERT:Yo Tom. We heard.

DARRYL:Yeah, maybe that Doctor is right.

TOM:Let’s go shoot some hoops.

DR. ADVICE:But speak to your parents with the voice that’s adult.Hey, you might be surprised and get a better result.Cause with messages, it’s a well-know fact.The way you send them out affects the way you get

them back.

* * *DARRYL:

Yeah Renee, you should really try calling Dr. Advice.He could help you.

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independence, or that the logic is too difficult tounderstand. Explain that every family has its ownunique personality and style. Some familes have well-defined rules about what their teenagers can or can’t doand what they are expected to do or not do, while inother families, these rules may be more flexible or evenpermissive.

Ask interested students to get together in groups of fouror five and compare notes on family rules that bringabout conflict. Do students note close similarities totheir own family rules in the rules other families set, orwide differences? Ask students to share ideas abouthow sending Adult messages or compromising can puttheir relationship with their parents on a more evenkeel. Ask them to compose a story, poem, or rap,jointly or individually, that first describes a typicalsituation, next illustrates how sending a Child messagemakes the situation worse, and then shows how send-ing an Adult message or compromising can provide asolution. If they wish, they can read their stories orpoems or deliver their rap in front of the class.

(5) After watching the program, ask students to take partin the quiz, “Whose Voice is Speaking?” on page 16 ofthis guide. Ask them to write “C” for Child, “P” forParent, or “A” for Adult in the appropriate blank beforeeach statement. After the quiz is completed, lead adiscussion on what students thought was the voicedoing the speaking in each statement. Ask students todefend their answers.

(6) Role-playing—having people imagine themselves in

LINDA:Okay, so I can send Child messages and I can sendParent messages. But what about the Adult messages?You really think it’ll help me with my parents?

* * *TOM:

Maybe Dr. A has a point. I think I’ll try it with my momright now.

DARRYL:She still won’t like your haircut.

ROBERT:Yeah. No matter what Dr. Advice says.

TOM:You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure thatout. But, at least, I mean, maybe she won’t make mechange it. I’ll be right back.

Listen Mom, can we talk for a second? Look, I knowyou’re real mad about my hair and all. And I guess Ishould’ve told you first—but it was kind of a lastminute thing. I really wanted to do something thatwould make me look better—you know. And I guess Ifelt that I was old enough to decide about my own hair.

MOTHER:Well, I still don’t like the way it looks. Tom, I understandhow you feel about wanting to change the way youlook. We all feel like that sometimes.

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situations which they briefly act out—can be anextremely valuable tool. By simulating problems withparents in a nonthreatening forum, role-plays givestudents practice in learning to work them out bysending Adult messages or by compromising. Somesuggestions for generating good role-playing sessionsare provided on page 15 of this guide.

Ask interested students to select one of the followingsituations and role-play it twice, the first time sendinga Child message, and then sending an Adult message:(a) You feel you’re old enough to take care of yourself

and your brother when your parents go out for theevening. Declaring that you and your brother fighttoo much, your parents say a sitter is a must.

(b) You are saving up for a new bicycle by mowingneighbors’ lawns on weekends. To increase yourearnings, you want to take on more jobs which willmean working after school as well. Your mother issure you won’t have time to do your homework, andyour grades will go down.

(c) You want your parents to allow you to have a partyfor your friends, and you tell them no drugs oralcohol will be present. Your parents want to knowhow you can be so sure.

(d) You want to take a train to the city to meet somefriends. Your parents feel you are too young to go byyourself.

(e) Your parents have decreed a 10 PM curfew on

Then everyone gets angry and you can’t have any fun.But speak to your parents with the voice that’s adult.Hey, you might be surprised and get a better result.Cause with messages, it’s a well-known fact.The way you send them out affects the way you get

them back.

And remember what the Doctor says: “Hey kid, yougot a problem or what?!”

* * *

LINDA:Tara, what do you think you’re doing?

TARA:I want a cookie.

LINDA:Well next time can’t you ask me? I mean, cause look,what did Mom tell you about going near the stove whenthe stove is on. Now, next time if you want a cookie allyou have to do is ask. I don’t want to see you in thehospital. Come on, here.

MARIA:Did you just hear yourself? You were pure Parent. Iguess it’s like Doctor Advice said. You don’t have tobe a parent to act like a parent.

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weekends. None of your friends have to be home soearly. There’s a big dance coming up this weekendand you want to stay later.

ROLE-PLAY GUIDELINES

• Prepare students for role-playing by indicating thatthere will be no judging or criticizing of aparticipant’s style. Make it clear that everyone’scontribution is valuable whether they are doing therole-play or observing.

• Before beginning, set clear limits for the scene to beenacted, and clearly define what each character’sposition in the role-play will be.

• Keep role-plays brief. Consider breaking in at acrucial point if one goes on too long.

• Be alert to the danger of students becoming soinvolved in the action that they reveal more about

DR. ADVICE:Okay. The Adult is the reasoning part, right? So youcould try to send an Adult message, like “I know youdon’t like this haircut, but I didn’t get it to bug you,Mom. I just thought I was old enough to decide aboutmy own hair.” And say it in a calm way. Don’t whineor sound angry.

TOM:So then what happens?

DR. ADVICE:Draw an arrow back and forth between the two “A’s.”My bet is if you throw out an Adult message, she’llthrow back an Adult message. No guarantees, butcheck it out.

TOM:Well, she’s still not going to change her mind about myhaircut.

DR. ADVICE:Maybe not. But if you come to her with a new, adultattitude, maybe, just maybe she’ll agree you’re oldenough to make some of your own decisions.

For all you kids out there, we’ll talk about this somemore tomorrow. In the meantime, listen to yourself.Think about the messages you send and the ones youget back.

Cause when you act like a child, you’ll be treated likeone.

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TOM:Yeah, that’s it.

DR. ADVICE.Okay, Tom, and everybody out there, let’s get ready towrite again.

TOM:You got it. Come on Darryl, help me out with this.

DR. ADVICE:Now here’s the deal—next to your first column makethe exact same one—C, P, A. Here’s the trick—thetype of message you send out affects the message youget back. If you send out a Child message, you get backa Parent answer.

Draw an arrow between the “C” in column 1 and the“P” in column 2. So Tom, when you tell your mom,“It’s my hair, I’ll do what I want,” you’re sending a realdemanding “I want my own way” message. That’spure Child. You’re acting like a child and that’s themessage she’s getting. It’s no wonder that your momanswers in a real controlling way like, “Not as long asyou live in this house, young man.” Real Parent.

Now draw an arrow back from “P” Parent to “C” Child.It’s like playing catch. You throw out a Child message.She throws back a Parent message.

TOM:So, what should I have done? What kind of messageshould I have sent?

themselves then they intended. Stop any role-playsthat you see becoming too personal or too revealing.

WHOSE VOICE IS SPEAKING?

For each of the statements below, try to identify whichvoice is doing the speaking. In the blank before eachstatement, write “C” for Child, “P” for Parent, or “A”for Adult.

_____ How many times have I told you not to do that?

_____ Why can’t you stop treating me like a baby?

_____ I promise I’ll take out the garbage at the firstcommercial.

_____ Let’s take a look at how we can work this out.

_____ Don’t argue with your mother.

_____ It’s her turn—I did it last time.

_____ I feel like racing down the block.

_____ Do I have to say “excuse me” all the time?

_____ You’ll hurt yourself if you’re not careful.

_____ It helps when everyone can say how they feel aboutit.

_____ Why can’t you clean your room the first time you’re

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Everybody’s got three voices for choosin’ whatto do.

No matter what age you are, these voices are in you.There’s a Child, a Parent, and an Adult in your head.If you’ve picked the wrong one, try another one instead.

Any questions? Give the Doctor a call.

ROBERT:What’s all that stuff gonna do for you anyway? Comeon, turn it off.

TOM:No, wait a minute. I’ve got to try calling.

DARRYL:Come on. Let’s go shoot some hoops.

TOM:I’ve got to try and work this out with my mom otherwiseshe’s going to take me to her beauty salon. Wait aminute, it’s ringing. Hello, Dr. Advice? Hi, this is Tom.I was just listening to this Child, Parent, Adult thing,and I was wondering how it could help me. See whathappened was I got this haircut and my mom she got allmad…

DR. ADVICE:Now let’s see if I get this straight, Tom. Now your momis mad and thinks she can’t trust you, and you’re madbecause you think she’s treating you like a baby.

asked?

_____ You decide. You’re old enough to know right fromwrong.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Asher, Sandy. Everything is Not Enough. New York:Delacorte Press, 1987. (Protected all his life by hisparents, a young man finds the courage to strike out onhis own. Fiction/graded 5-9)

Bell, Ruth, et al. Changing Bodies, Changing Lives. NewYork: Random House, rev. 1987. (How-to’s for thegrowing-up years. Nonfiction for teens.)

Brondino, Jeanne, et al. Raising Each Other. Claremont,CA: Hunter House, 1988. (A book for teens and parentswritten by teens and parents.)

Colman, Hila. Sometimes I Don’t Love My Mother. NewYork: Vagabond Books, 1977. (Dallas wants to live herown life, but her mother won’t let her. Fiction/grades 5-9)

Danziger, Paula. The Pistachio Prescription. New York:Dell Publishing Co., 1978. (Pressures mount from allsides on Cassie. Fiction/grades 5-9)

George, Jean Craighead. Gull No. 737. New York: ThomasCrowell, 1964. (A lack of communication betweenLuke and his father results in an almost irreconcilablegap in relations between them. Fiction/grades 5-9)

Ginott, Haim G. Between Parent and Teenager. New York:

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Another part of the Child is doing what we want whenwe want. That can be okay, like when you’ve beenshoveling snow and you blow it off for a good snowballfight. But sometimes it can be a bad scene.

ROBERT:Yeah, like remember when we flunked that math test?

DARRYL:Yeah. We just had to go to that football game insteadof studying.

DR. ADVICE:And the Child is also the part that can act whiney. “Idon’t want to go to Grampa’s. It’s so boring.” Hopeyou’re listening, Linda.

Now “P” for Parent. The Parent part doesn’t haveanything to do with really being a parent. It’s the namefor the part that wants to take care of others. But it’salso the part that wants to make rules and give orders,and, you know, control the situation.

TOM:Boy, does he ever have that one right.

DR. ADVICE:Then there’s the “A”—the Adult part. That’s the partthat thinks things out, makes plans and decisions. Youknow, solves problems. Okay—you got that? Threevoices—Child, Parent, Adult.

Avon Books, 1971. (Still an insightful classic.)

Girion, Barbara. A Very Brief Season. New York: BerkleyBooks, 1984. (Ten short stories reveal some of thestresses of growing up. Fiction/grades 5-9)

Klein, David and Marymae E. Your Parents and Yourself:Alike/Unlike Agreeing/Disagreeing. New York: CharlesScribner’s Sons, 1986. (Exploring relationships withparents. Nonfiction for teens)

Kolodny, Nancy J. M.A., M.S.W. Robert C. Kolodny,M.D., and Thomas Bratter, Ed.D. Smart Choices. Boston:Little, Brown and Company, 1986. (Section on “FamilyDynamics and Other Sticky Matters.” Nonfiction forteens)

Madaras, Lynda. Growing-Up Guide for Girls. New York:Newmarket Press, 1986. (Exploring relationships withparents, among other things. Nonfiction for teens)

McBride, Angela Barron, Ph.D. The Secret of A Good Lifewith Your Teenager. New York: Times Books, 1987. (Ahandbook on the psychology of parent and child duringthe teenage years.)

Powledge, Fred. You’ll Survive! New York: CharlesScribner’s Sons, 1986. (A guide through the problemsof adolescence, and some solutions. Nonfiction forteens)

Steinberg, Laurence, Ph.D. and Ann Levine. You and YourAdolescent: A Parent’s Guide for Ages 10-20. NewYork: Harper & Row, 1990. (How to make adolescencea time fo satisfying growth.)

Webb, Margot. Coping with Overprotective Parents. NewYork: Rosen Publishing Group, 1990. (How to negotiateworkable relationships with parents. Nonfiction forteens)

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MARIA:I don’t know. Do you really think he can help? I meanyour parents seem pretty definite about not letting youcome to my party.

LINDA:That’s true, but I might as well give Dr. Advice a try.If he solves this, he’s a genius. I wonder what he meantwhen he said we have to show our parents we’re notbabies anymore.

DR. ADVICE:Okay, let’s get down to techniques. Ready? Gotsomething to write with? Come on, you’re gonna needit. Don’t try to fool the Doctor.

Here’s the scoop. Everybody has three voices insidethem: Child, Parent, Adult. Write that down in acolumn—“C” for Child, “P” for Parent, “A” for Adult.We’re kind of a three-in-one package. And no matterhow old we are, we’ve got those three parts.

You with me? Okay. Now, the Child part likes to havefun, but it’s also the part that depends on others andwants to be taken care of. Even babied sometimes. Andremember, you don’t have to be a child to act like achild. Got it?

Even the good Doctor can act totally Child. Like theother day, I just finished playing with my son in thesnow, and my wife was taking off his boots and I said,“Honey, take mine off too.” In other words, “Babyme.” Pure Child.

SCRIPT

HAIRDRESSER:Would you like to see the back?

TOM:Yeah, sure.

HAIRDRESSER:What do you think?

TOM:Yeah, it’s pretty good. It’s perfect.—So, what do youthink?

ROBERT:Whoa!

TOM:What do you mean, whoa! I think it’s great.

ROBERT:Well, uh, it is pretty great, Tom. I bet ya I’d look goodin that kind of haircut.

DARRYL:Your mom would never let you get a haircut as radicalas that.

TOM:My mom told me to get a haircut…she said I needed it.

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DR. ADVICE:You know Linda, it’s tough. You think you’re grown-up, but your parents don’t think you are. Problem City.And all because you want to make your own decisions—do your own thing—right?

LINDA:That’s for sure. All my friends have the same problem.

DR. ADVICE:So what you are is normal. Look, let me give you thepicture.

Your parents are used to being in charge. They see itlike, “Hey, that’s my job.” But it’s like your parentshaven’t noticed that you’ve been growing up and thatyou want to take charge of your own life now thatyou’re older. What you have to do is show them thatyou’re not a baby anymore—that you can handle moreresponsibility—that you’re more grown-up than theythink.

LINDA:Yeah, but how can I do that?

DR. ADVICE:Dr. Advice is going to give you the whole low downwhen we come back from this break. But, you’ll needto take some notes cause it’s hard to keep it all in yourhead. So get something to write with and stay tuned.We’ll be right back.

DARRYL:She told you to get a haircut, like that?

TOM:No, but she didn’t say not to. So what’s the problem?

* * *

TOM:Hey, I like it. It’s the new improved me!

ROBERT:Anything would be an improvement.

TOM:You guys want to come over and watch some MTV?

ROBERT:I don’t know. Is your mother home?

TOM:Yeah.

ROBERT:I don’t want to be around when war breaks out.

DARRYL:Yeah. Maybe we’ll come over a little bit later.

ROBERT:Yeah, during the cease fire.

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TOM:Hey, I can handle my mother. Anyway, its my hair. Sowhat’s the big deal?

DARRYL:The big deal is what’s coming.

ROBERT:Yeah, and we’re going!

TOM:Okay, see you later.

MOTHER:What did you do?!

TOM:I got a haircut.

MOTHER:A haircut? You knew I meant get a plain haircut, notthis. I thought I could trust you. How could you do thisto your hair?

TOM:Mom, you have to understand, it’s in style.

MOTHER:Style? I’m taking you to get this fixed tomorrow,young man!

LINDA:Why can’t you tell me first—not just plan my lifewithout even asking me.

FATHER:I’m sure Maria will understand.

LINDA:Understand what? That my parents have me on a leashlike a three-year-old.

MOTHER:Really?

LINDA:Yes, really. And if you make me go to Grampa’s house,I’ll just sit there and I won’t say anything to anybody,that’s all.

MOTHER:Listen young lady, I’ve heard just about enough. You’regoing and that’s final. And you’d better straighten upand behave or you’ll be grounded for two weeks!

LINDA:Fine.

* * *

LINDA:They wouldn’t even listen. It’s my life, and they thinkthey can just boss me around whenever they want.

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TOM:That’s not fair.

MOTHER:How could you do this to your hair, Tom?

TOM:It’s my hair!

TITLE:ME AND MY PARENTS: WORKING IT OUT

DR. ADVICE:So, you say your parents just don’t understand you.They’re not hip to your reality. You can’t talk to themwithout getting into a hassle. They won’t let you wearwhat you want or do what you want. You used to getalong…but now everything’s a big battle. What’s it allabout? What’s going down?

If you’re singing the parent blues, pick up the phoneand give Dr. Advice a buzz at 555-KIDS so we can rapabout it. If you get a busy signal, it just means there’slots of you having the same problems—so keep trying.And remember what the Doctor says…“Hey kid, yougot a problem or what?!”

Okay, our first caller today is Linda. Okay Linda, howcan the Doctor help you?

LINDA:Well the problem is my parents think I’m still a baby.They don’t ever listen to what I want, and I’m sick ofbeing bossed around.

DR. ADVICE:The Doctor gets your problem, and I’m sure everyoneout there gets it too. But give me a story, Linda.Something we can work with.

LINDA:All right, I’ve got a good one for you. I told my bestfriend, she’s here right now—her name is Maria—thatI’d come to her party this weekend. But when I told myparents, they threw a fit…

MOTHER:I’m sorry Linda, but you’ll just have to tell her no.You’re coming with us to Grampa’s house. Noarguments, please.

LINDA:But Mom! I already told Maria that I’d help her. I can’tlet her down! Besides, I don’t want to go to Grampa’shouse. It’s so boring there.

FATHER:Linda, you should have asked before getting involvedin this party.

MOTHER:That’s right. You know you can’t make plans withoutchecking with us first.