(Manager's Pocket Guide Series )Lois B. Hart-The Manager's Pocket Guide to Dealing With Conflict...

8/22/2019 (Manager's Pocket Guide Series )Lois B. Hart-The Manager's Pocket Guide to Dealing With Conflict (Manager's Poc

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THE MANAGERS POCKET GUIDE TO

Dealing with Conflict

byLois B.H a rt ,E d . D.

HRD PRESS

A m h e rs t , M a ssach us e t ts


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Co py right 1999 by Lois Hart

All rights res e rve d. A ny rep roduction of this mat e rial in any

media without written permission from the publisher is a

vi ol ation of existing copy right law s .

P u blished by :

HRD Pres s

22 A m h erst Road

Amh e rs t , MA 01002

1-800-822-2801

( U. S. and Canada)41 3 -2 5 3 - 3 4 8 8

413-253-3490 (fa x )

www.hrdp ress .com

ISBN 0-87425-480-9

C over design by Eileen Klock a rs

Production services by CompuDesign

E d i t orial services by Robie Gra n t

Printed in Canada


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Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . v

1 . Because Yo u ' re Human, You'll Have Confl i c ts . . . . . . 1

2. Naming Your Confl i c ts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 3

3. How Do You React to Confl i ct s ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 3

4 . Wh at Causes Confl i c ts ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

5. You Can Prevent Some Confl ic t s! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 9

6. M o re Ways to Resolve Your Confli c t s . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 7

7 . Le a rning from Your Confl i ct s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99

B i bl i ograp hy of Resources on Confl ic t s . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 5

In d ex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 0 9

About the Au th o r . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 3

i i i

TABLE OF CONTENTS


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M a ny years have passed since I wroteL ea rning fro m

C o n fl i c tin response to the need for tra i n e rs to help people

deal with their conflicts. I fre q ue n t ly re c eive requests for an

a d ap t ation of this instruc t or s manual from individuals wh o

want to learn how to handle their conflicts better but dont

k n ow how!

In theM an agers Pocket Guide to Dealing with Confl i ct, Ih ave drawn from many people and dive rse orga n i z at i o n a l

settings to provide real life examples of wo rkplace confl ic t s.

If you are a person less than confident and successful in

dealing with work conflicts, this book is for you. You will

learn how to help yourself and your employees face and deal

with conflicts. By dealing with these conflicts you will

improve your and your employe e s i n t e rp e rsonal relationshipsand improve productivity.

The seven-stage model used in this book was outlined in the

1982 edition and later the 1991 second edition ofLearning

from Conflict. The model ensures that individuals explore

conflicts from many angles. We first need to recognize the

messages we carry from our early years so we can identify their

potency in how we deal with conflicts today. We all move into

adulthood with too few skills to deal with conflicts successfully.

v

Prefac e


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The Manager s Po cket Guide to Dealing with Conflict

vi

We also must invest some time in identifying the kinds of

conflicts we have and how we react to them. No one can escapeall conflicts at work, but we can control how we react to them.

It also helps to diagnose wh at is behind each of our confl i ct s

in order to help r e so l ve them. Th erefore, I ex p l o re eight

po s s i ble causes behind our confl i c ts .

L e arning about our childhood conflict message s , the kinds ofc o nflicts we have, the ways we react to them, and their

causes helps to ke ep many conflicts from developing or esca-

l at in g. This is import an t , because I believe we can tru ly avo i d

some conflicts entire ly and decrease the growth of others .

Since I pers o na lly began this wo rk in confl ic t , I have consid-

erably fewer conflicts with the people I wo rk with and the

groups I lead.

In this compact book, I have put together over twe nt y -five

ye ars of my exp e rience with conflict and specific ideas on

h ow you too can deal with your and your employe e s

c o n flicts.

D r. Lois B. Hart

L a faye t t e, C ol o ra do

October 1998


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Conflicts occur everyd ay in the life of managers. You cantescape them, but you can learn how to handle them better.

Wh at is a conflict? Conflicts are many things. Th ey are the

s t ru ggle between two or more f o rc es , po s i t i o n s , or actions.

For ex amp l e, you have a conflict wh e n:

Your ex p e c tations come up against the reality of those on

your staff.

The deadline you set for a project is not met.

Pe o pl e s needs for re c ognition are not met. Your wo rk style differs from some of your staffs.

People have hidden agendas and w on t reveal their tru e

opinions and fee l ing s.

C on tri butions are ignored so people withdraw fro m

s u ggesting anything new.

There is too much wo rk to do and this affects pers on a l

health and fam ily life.

People gloss over conflicts and hope they will just go away.

1

Because Yo u re Human,

Youll Have Conflicts

1


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T h e M a n a g e r s Po c k e t G u i d e t o D e a l in g w i t h Co n f l ic t

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P ro b ably more than half of all people do not like conflict and

will want to avoid the uncomfo rt able feelings associated withit. Another quarter use inapp ro p ri ate methods to deal with

their conflicts. This leaves very few people who confid e n t ly

and successfully handle conflict. This book draws from the

successful strat egies used by these manage rs .

U nres o l ved conflicts are costly. Consider how m u ch time yo u

took to wo rk through a recent conflict. Multiply the time bythe hourly value of each person in the conflict. This total will

s h ow you the cost of one confl ic t .

Number of Hours per week Average Salary

spent on conflicts

or Hourly Pay= Costs of Conflict

Number of Hours per week

spent on conflicts 52 Weeks =

Lost T i me

and Pro d u c tivi t y

For instance, R o be rt noted that a conflict he helped re s ol ve

be tween two of his staff members took three hours of theirt i m e. At a pro rated value of his time, this conflict cost $120of his time plus another $90 of his two staff members. IfR o b ert has even two conflicts a we ek , this totals $21,840 ayear in costs and also the loss of 312 hours!

To handle all the conflicts you face eve ry d ay, you need to

l e a rn how to: Identify the seven stages of the Conflict Cycl e

Ap p ly a method of re c o rding your conf li c t s


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Identify how you react to confl i c t s

Name the causes of confli c t

Identify how self-interest helps us to re so lve confl i c t s

Lea rn and app ly five methods for resolving conflicts

Re flect on your conflicts and learn from each one

Most conflicts go through seven phases as shown in theC o nflict Cycl e. The illustration on the fol lowing page show s

the seven phases:

1. An t ic i pat i on

2. Wait and See

3. G row in g

4. In the Open

5. Ap p li c at io n

6. S e tt lem e n t

7. R e fle c t i on

The f i rst phase, A n t i c i p at i o n, is the starting point. Humans,

l i ke the turt l e, need a pro t e c t ive shield to surv ive. Howeve r,

people know they have to stick out their necks in order to

function in this wo rl d. Th ey anticipate and expect to deal

with conflicts because that is just a normal part of

ex i s t e n c e. No one relishes facing confl i c t , but eve ryo n e

k n ows it will occur.


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4

T h e C o n f l i c t C y c l e


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Be cau se Yo u r e H u m a n , Yo u l l H a ve Co n f li ct s

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Once a conflict emerge s, it moves to the second phase, Wa it

and See. L ike the hawk who can fly over his territ o rysu rveying wh at is there, i nd ividuals also may take time in

this phase to look over the situat i o n , assess wh at is

h app e ni n g, and determine how serious it is.

Sometimes, you can resolve the conflict immediately.

Sometimes, conflicts cannot be readily solved and these will

mushroom into the Growing phase. At times, conflictsmushroom very slowly; other times they can quickly erupt into

a full-scale problem, and can no longer be ignored.

N ow the conflict is In the Open phase whe re there is no

d enying its ex i s t en c e. At this point, some people will Re t re at

f rom dealing with the conflict because they are nat ural ly

avo id e rs or because they want more time to assess the

s i t uation.

Once the conflict is out in the open and named, it s

Re s ol ut io n is possibl e. As an alchemist was once able to

mi ra c u l ou s ly ch an ge a thing into something even better,

t o day we can also exp e ri me n t, trying out va rious re s o l ut io n

t e chniques until the right one works .

The conflict moves from an Ap p l i cation of Resolution to a

S e tt le me n t ph a se. The resolution occurs when eve ryone is

satisfied. With re so l ut io n , s t ress and energy are re di rected to

other activities. Like cooing doves , the people in the conf l i ct

a re re a dy to re capt u re the good feelings they previ o us ly hadfor one another.


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The last part of the Conflict Cycle is critical although often

n eg l ec t ed. The R e fl e c t i o n phase re q u i res that team membersreflect on the conflict they have re so l ved and analy ze wh at

happened so they can learn from the conflict. Th ey ask:

What was the cause of this conflict and have we

el im in ated it so another conflict wo nt emerge?

How did we each behave when it was obvious we had a

co n flict? How can we reduce our resistance to confli c t?

Wh at did we do to r e so lve the conflict? Was it an effect ive

m e th o d?

E ach of your conflicts will take diffe rent amounts of time to

wo rk through each phase. For instance, as lunch time ro ll s

a ro u nd, you can hard ly wait to see wh at is on the menu.Because you are quite hungry, you immediat ely study the

m enu. You see the Philly steak and fries and think how

delicious that will taste. Sudd en ly you remember your new

commitment to eat fewer fatty fo od s , so you turn you r

attention to the salads. After lunch, you re flect on yo u r

c o nflict and compliment y o urself on making the healthier

ch o i c e. The actual amount of time for resolving your confli c t

might be only minutes but it went through all seven phases.

As Sondra sat down at her desk on Monday morning, she

immediately felt tense as she faced the piles of work. Her first

conflict of the week was how to get everything organized so it

would be done within the limited hours she had.

As she scanned the wo rk left over from the week before and

the To Do items in her daily planner, she decided to handle

a couple of the easier items quick ly. She made two calls,


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scanned one memo, and answe red five e-mails. When she

l oo ked at the cl o ck , over an hour had passed and she still hadavoided completing a prio ri ti zed list of tasks!

By postponing, she let the conflict grow. While she thought it

would make her feel better to get some quick items

a c c omp li sh e d, it actually added stress and kept the confli c t

a l ive. She should have moved the conflict in the open,

rev i ewed her list of tasks, p ri o rit ized them, and quicklyre s o lved the conflict with a realistic plan for the day. Sondra

did re flect on this pat t ern of postponing the inevi table and

vowed to ch a nge her ways next Monday.

S on d ra s conflict remained active for about two hours. Many

of our conflicts evo l ve over much more time befo re they are

faced and resolved. Lets fol l ow Elizabeth as she faces a

c o n flict on the first day of her new job.

Phase One: An t ic ip at i on . El iz abeth expects that there will

be conflicts because she has held five diffe rent jobs in the

past fifteen yea rs. During her job interv i ew, she asked Terry,

her new manage r, wh ere her wo rk space would be. He

s howed her two offices. One was fully furnished with a view

to the hallway. The other had only a built-in desk and ch a ir,

and was tucked back in the corner away from the doors

v i ew. Te rry said they would wait until both the new hires had

a rrived to decide who would get whi ch space.

Phase Two: Wait and See. El iz abeth arrived the fi rst day onthe job and immediately ran into a problem. Her new c o l l e ag u e,

B ob, had arrived just befo re her and had brought a big box of

books. He asked Te rry wh e re to put them and was told to


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chose wh i ch ever office he wa n t e d. Nat ural ly Bob chose the

f urnished office with the better location. Elizab e t h s heartsank. She didnt want to make waves the fi rst hour on the

new job, h owever, her new office was so spartan! She also

knew it was important to be visible within this male-dominated

organization and she would never be seen tucked away around

the bend of her space. She chose to wait and see what would

happen as she and Bob met with Terry for their orientation.

Phase Th re e : Growi ng. The conflict grew. Although Bob

and Elizabeth we re not in their offices the f i rst day due to

other ori en tation activi ti es , t h ey needed to use them by the

second day. Terry was cat ching up with his own wo rk and did

not seem to notice the pro blem about the office space. Not

k nowing any better, he did not intervene; if he had got t e ni nvo l ved the fi rst day, the conflict could have been re so l ve d

mo re quick ly.

By the third day, the problem had grown bigge r, at least for

E l i z abeth. She was incre as in g ly bothered by this inequity.

She sure ly did not want to make wave s, es p ec i al ly because

she was only one of a few women in the orga n i z ation. Bobfelt some of the tension between them but thought Elizab et h

was just another difficult woman. Th ey we re new to one

a no th e r, so they did nothing. Th ey could not appeal to Te rry

because he was away all day.

Phase Fo u r: In the Open. As Elizabeth was reading in her

o ffi ce, another colleagu e, S a m , came in to say hello. Samwas an enthusiastic and helpful person who re m e m be red his

fi rst few days in the orga ni z ation. Sam asked Elizabeth how


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Because Yo u re Hu m an, You l l Have Conf lic ts

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things we re goi ng. Initially she claimed eve rything was fi ne,

but then she decided to tell Sam more. Elizabeth used thisopening to tell Sam about the office pro blem. Wh at a relief it

was to have someone listen!

Phase Five : Re s ol u ti on . Sam immediate ly took action to

help re s ol ve this conflict. He went across the hall and go t

Bob so the three of them could talk. He asked each person to

de s cribe wh at they ideally needed in their offic e. Elizab e thexplained how she needed her space to be less spartan and

m o re completely furni sh e d. She was also concerned ab o ut

ke eping a high pro file with the rest of the staff and Bobs

set-up provided this ex po s ure. On the other hand, she liked a

quiet office as she wo rked on pro j ec t s .

Bob said he wanted to have enough bookshelves for his

books. He did not care much about the finer fe atu res of a

d ec o rated offic e.

Sam fa c i l i t ated a discussion so they could find a solution.

They decided to keep the offices they alre ady had but with

some ch a n ge s .

As part of the re s o lu t i o n, E l i z abeth decided she would inten-

t io n al ly walk around the dep a rtment a lot during the f irst few

months and inform al ly stay in touch with eve ryo ne. The n

l ater on, the staff would feel at ease poking heads around her

office opening to speak to her.

Bob offered to give Elizabeth two of the art prints and the

plant. Then the three of them wa l ked around the rest of the

office building looking for ext ra furni tu re. They quick ly

found a bookcase for Bob and two side cha irs for Elizabeth.


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Phase Six: S e tt le m e nt . Within one hour, E li z abeth and Bob

we re sat i s fied with each of their offices and could movefo rwa rd with a compat i ble rel ationship. Both Sam and Bob

reg u la rly dropped into Elizab e t h s offic e.

Phase Seve n : R e fle c ti o n . Later Elizabeth re flected on this

c o nflict. She identified that the cause was based on two

d iffe rent pieces of info rm ation Te rry gave to Sam and her.

Sam had been told on his first day to choose whi ch ever offi cehe wa n te d. She re al ized that their new boss should have been

m o re awa re of his miscommunicati on, but because he wasnt,

she could have spoken to Te rry on the fi rst day.

E li zabeth also learned the value of a third party in re s ol v i n g

c o nflict. In this case another colleag u e, S a m, helped his two

p e ers find a solution. She re c og n i zed how successfully Sam

used nego t i ation to help Bob and her re so lve the confli ct .

H o w D o Yo u V i e w Co n f l i c t ?

From the conflict messages you heard and the people you

we re around growing up, you developed definite beliefs

about confl i c t.

If you exp e rienced lots of conflicts growing up, you pro bably

b e li eve that conflicts are destru c t ive and should be avo i d e d.

For yo u , c o n flict means:

Nothing happens, there is no change in behavior or attitude. E n e rgy is dive rted from more important wo rk .

M o rale is destroyed.


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People feel worse about themselve s .

People end up more polari ze d.

E gos and feelings are damaged.

Co n flicts exacerb ate turf wars.

Nothing positive results from the confli c t.

You should avoid conflict as mu ch as possibl e.

On the other hand, if you we re exposed to adults who openly

and calmly dealt with conflicts and used a variety of methods

to res o l ve them, you pro b ably believe that conflicts can be

c o n s t ru ct ive. For yo u , c o nflict means:

Th e re will be a clari fi c ation of the issues.

People feel closer after resolving the confli c t.

The re is a release of tension and emotions.

People understand and respect each others values and

ex p e rience more.

After re s ol u t i on , t here is an increase in prod u c tiv it y.

B e fo re you can help others deal with their confl i ct s, you will

need to re -examine your beliefs about conflict. You will be a

m o re effec t ive manager if you believe conflicts are a norm al

and nat ural part of life. Some conflicts can be avoided and

o th e rs can be kept from escalat in g. Some conflicts are not

worth swe ating about and others are critical to deal with.Most import an t , you need to take time to re flect on confl i ct s

yo uve had and to learn from them so you can deal with the

n ext conflict better.


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Now that you understand the seven phases conflicts go

t h rough and have eva lu ated your view of confl ic t s , l e t sex p l o re the kinds of conflicts you have to deal with in yo u r

work.


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Pa rt of your success in dealing with conflictsi nvol ve staking some time to rev i ew the kinds of conflicts you have,

when you have them, and with whom.

This honest eval u ation is worth the effo rt because, in many

c as e s , you will be able to take what you learned and avoi d

n ew conflicts in the future. For instance, you might find that

you have a lot of conflicts at the same time of the day ornotice you have more conflicts when you are tired. Know i n g

th i s , you can lay plans to orga ni ze your day around yo ur

e ne rgy leve ls .

Identifying your conflicts leads to quicker resolutions. Th e

p hrase To name it is to claim itmeans that once a conflict is

n a m ed, a solution can be cla i m ed. Named conflicts are no

l o nger elusive, but instead manage abl e.

For instance, you might find that you ke ep having confl i ct s

with the same person and nothing has ch an ge d. This is you r

red flag that it is time to get these conflicts out in the open

with this person and work out those ch ronic issues.

The fo l l owing are two methods you can use to name yo u r

co n flicts. Once you complete the naming process and see its

1 3

Naming Your Conflicts

2


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va l u e, look for opportunities to show your staff members

these techn iq u e s .

T h e C on f l i c t Ch a r t

This method invo l ves identifying the kinds of conflicts yo u

h ave with particular people in your life, both at work and in

your personal life.

Use the ch a rt shown ab ove to develop your Conflict Char t .

D own the left side of a piece of pap e r, list the names of

people you come in contact with during a typical week. List

as many as you want. Examples of people at work might be:

your boss

s e c re t a ry

in d ividuals who repo rt to yo u

c o ll e ague in another dep a rtm e n t

What was the What did What was the

Pe o p l e confl i c t ? each do? o u tcome ?


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N a m i n g Yo u r Co n f l i ct s

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c u st om e rs

ve n do rs or suppliers

cl i en ts

To the right of each name, briefly write the conflicts you have

had with each person in the recent week. What was the

conflict? (Obviously you do not need to complete every line in

the event you did not experience a conflict with that person.)

In the next column describe what method(s) you used to

res o lve the conflict. For instance, you discussed the issues

until each person had a better unders ta n d i n g, or yo u

n egot iated a solution, or you obtained more info rm at i o n , o r

you asked your boss to interven e.

In the last column to the ri g ht , de s c ribe the outcome. Fo r

i ns ta n ce, you all felt re l i eved that the conflict was resolved,

or you felt more energi zed for your wo rk , or you are sleep in g

better. Perhaps the conflict was handled poorly and the outcomes

included you felt angry still or the conflict remains.

Once you have completed the ch art, you are re a dy to revi ewthe info rm at i o n , look for pat t erns , and decide how you can

deal with conflicts diffe re nt ly. Tu rn to page 20 at the end of

this ch apter for some questions that will help with this cl ari fi-

c at io n .

Ja ke is a manager in an insurance offi ce. He wants to assess

the kinds of conflicts he has and how well he handles them,

so he completed the Conflict Chart for one week. Here is

his chart.


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What was the What did What was thePe o p l e confl i c t ? each do? o u tc ome ?

M r. Jonas M r. Jonas called John and I I monitored his

(customer) to complain r e v i e wed the new claims calls

and John about John who steps for and prais e d

took his claims handling him fo r

r e p o rt . c l aims . doing it we l l .

M y I yelled at her She became She called in

r e c e pt i on i st for kee p i n g defensive and sick the next

a messy desk. almost crie d. day. N ow she

mopesall day.

M y wife She got on my She went out We avoid

case for playing and spent a talking about it

too much golf. lot of money so nothing has

on clothes. h a p p e n e d .

I had a

lousy day.

The We arg u e d We each He won

co n t ractor about the cost a rg u e d because I had

doing the for fixing a our points, signed a

o f fice m i st a ke in the in fact quite change order.

remodeling room divider. l o u dly. Im still angry.

j o b

M y district M y monthly I reminded We agreed I

man a ge r r e po rt showed him of the would get the

a drop in new in t e rru p t io n s co n t ractor to

c lie n t s. the office had do more of

with the the work atremodeling n i ght .

jo b. He

l is te n e d.


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N a m i n g Yo u r Co n f l ict s

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Before we move on to eva l uating Jakes log, look over the

second method you might use to name your confl i c t s .

F o r t h e R e c o r d

The second method for naming your conflicts involves

ke eping a log of your conflicts for two we ek s .

For two weeks, you take time each day to record information

about a conflict you had that day. Try to do this at the same

time each day, for example, just before heading for home. Ofcourse, if you had no conflicts some days, note this too!

In the People column, note with whom you had the conflict.

Days People What conflict What hap p en e dwas about

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10


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In the next column, b ri e fly write about the conflict you have

had with this person. Wh at was the confli c t ?

In the next column describe wh at method(s) you used to

re s ol ve the conflict. For instance, you discussed the issues

until each person had a better unders t a n di ng, or yo u

n ego t i ated a solution, or you obtained more informati o n, o r

you asked your boss to interve n e.

At the end of two weeks you will be re a dy to eva l uate what

you re co rd e d.

Susan is the manager of a retail store. Here is Susans rec o rd

of her conflicts for two weeks.

Days People What conflict What hap p e n ed

was about

1 K a re n , Her tardiness For the fi rst time,

my . . . ag a i n Karen honestly

as s i s t an t explained what is

happening in her

pe rsonal life.We

worked on a planwhere she will call

me A SA P when

she will be late.

2 C u st ome r Complaint about Customer was

one our new sa t i s fied after

s a l e s p e rs o n s S a ra sounding off plus

I gave her a coup-

on for her next

p u rc ha se. I will

wo rk with Sara

later this we ek .


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Days People What conflict What hap p ene d

was about

3 Vendor Late shipment Thishas been a

chronic probl em.

I need to check the

c o n t ract again and

talk with our law ye r.

4 Tom, H is appearan c e I noticed his clothessalesperson were not clean.We

re vie wed our store

standards and

e x p ec ta t i o n s .

5 S a ra , The customers We reviewed the

salesperson c omp l ain t steps for handling a

customers complaint.She practiced how to

to word her responses

to complaints.

6 C h ri s , I snapped at C hri s I apologized to him

c as h ie r when I saw him because I did this

m oving too slowly when othersmight

and there we re h ave heard. I was

several people tired and spoke

in line. too quickly.

7 Two of my They were arg uin g I listened to both of

s to cke rs over who wasto them and together

blame about the we came up with

mess in the some ideas to kee p

st o c k ro om. the stockroom neater

on a daily basis so it

does not get to the

point of bl a m i ng

each other.


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W h a t H a ve Yo u O b se r ve d ?

Once you have completed the Conflict Chart or For the

R e c ord log, you are rea dy to revi ew the info rm at i on , look fo r

p at t e rn s , and decide how you can deal with confl ic t s

d ifferently. Ask yo u rself these questions:

1. Do you pre do mi n ate ly have conflicts with the same types

of people and ra re ly with others ?

2. Wh at are the usual causes of the conflicts? (You may wa n t

to rev i ew Chapter 4 on causes of confl i ct s. )

3. What ge n e ral ly wo rked to res o l ve the conflicts? Whatdi dn t? (Later you can rev i ew resolution methods in

Ch apter 6.)

Days People What conflict What hap p ene d

was about

8 L and l o r d Re c eived letter U n r e s o l ve d .N e e d

re new rule about to talk with other

sandwich board lease holders.

signs outside.

9 To m His appeara nc e I wrote up a

ag a i n. dis c i pli n a ry report

for his file.

1 0 N o I am more aw ar e

c o nf l i c t s of watching for

today! g rowing conflicts and

handled proble m s

faster today.


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2 1

4. What did not work? Did you make the conflict worse by

going overboard, losing your temper, or becoming defensive?

5. Were the outcomes very diffe rent or similar? We re they

gen e ral ly positive outcomes?

6. Wh at conclusions can you draw from revi ewing this infor-

m at io n ?

7. Wh at will you do diffe re n t ly the next time you face ac o nfli c t?

Ja ke looked over his week and re al ized that :

My temper was ve ry short this whole week.

I had conflicts with five people, all of whom are important

to me.

I think my unres o l ved conflict with my wife kept me in a

bad mood and then I took it out on my re ceptionist and the

co n tra c to r.

I think I handled the customers legit im ate complaint we l l

and have kept it from happening again by providing

a dditional training for John.

Susan rev iewed her two weeks of conflicts and came to the

fol lowing observat io n s:

I have conflicts with all kinds of people at wo rk from my

a s si st a n t , my salespers o n, st ocke rs , c a sh ie r, and others I

d epend on like my landlord and ve n do r.

My conflicts are caused for many reas o ns : I sometimes

h ave unclear and unstated ex p e c tations. Sara needs more


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2 2

t raining and closer supervision. Howeve r, our vendor has

s erious problems with his business pr a c t i ces .

Some conflicts were easy to fix , l ike my conflict with

Ch ris and our customer. Others took more time, li ke

working with the stocke rs.

The pro blems with the ve n do r s late shipments will cost

me more time and money if I have to go to the lawyer.

N ext time I am over stressed or ove rly tire d, I will try to

take care of my conflicts with the employees more calmly

or defer them until a later or more app ro p ri ate time.

Co n flicts are cert a in ly a natu ral part of this type of work. I

seem to handle most of them fa i rly easily, but I have mu ch

m o re to learn.

Ja ke and Susan, li ke you , b en e fit from ke eping track of their

co n flicts. The insights they gain will help them when they

f u rther analy ze the causes of all of their confl i c ts .

The key to understanding your conflicts is to know what they

are. Starting today use one of these methods to re co rd yo urc o n fl i c t s , who they are with, and how you handled them.

With this info rm ation in hand, you will be able to rev i ew

ways you react to confli c t s , as described in the next ch apt er.


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Joe called his assistant,L i s a , into his office to discuss thereport she submitted recently. With the report in front of him,

Joe started going through it, page by page, pointing out the

errors in the data. He criticized the logic of Lisas conclusions,

and even attacked the graphics on the reports cover.

At fi rst , Lisa listened, n odding each time Joe made a point

She took notes for awh i l e, but then stopped as Joe went on

and on. Lisa could not hear anything cl ea rly any m ore,

because inside she was thinking about how hard she had

wo rked on this rep o rt. She silently wo n d ered why Joe wa s

being so critical. Occasionally she tried to defend her rep o rt,

but Joe quick ly interrupted her and went on.

When Joe was done, he closed the rep ort , leaned back in his

cha i r, lo o ked up, and saw Lisas reactions. Her jaw wa s

fi rm ly set. She did not maintain any eye contact and wa s

blinking her eyes as if she was about to cry.

Joe was surprised by her reactions to his fe ed b ack. After all,he was just trying to be helpful so the final repo rt would be

ac c u rate and well re ce ived! He was used to re c eiving cri t i c al

fe e d ba ck. He re m e m be red his A rmy sergeant who re al ly laid

on the criticism. Jo e s immediate supervisor calls him aside

2 3

H ow Do You React

to Conflicts?

3


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wh e never his performance is not excellent. He wo nd e red why

Lisa was so shake n.

R e a c t i o n s A r e L e a r n e d Be h a v i o r s

People react to conflicts diffe re n tly, some calmly and others

with an exp l o s ive re sp o ns e. Some people flee from the

c o nfli ct , and others come back fi g ht i n g. Some indiv i d u al s

look for ways to nego ti at e, while others ke ep pushing to ge ttheir own way. Just as conflicts come in many forms, so do

our re a ct io n s.

Often the way we react to conflicts is also based on how we

ex pe rienced conflicts growing up. Most likely, t o day s

reactions are based on ye s t e rd ay s model. As you we re

growing up, h ow did those around you deal with confl i ct s?Wh at messages did your paren t s , t e a ch e rs , re l i gious leaders ,

and scoutmasters give you?

Char was consistently told by her parents to act like a lady,

whi ch meant no fi g ht in g. She was always told, If you cant

s ay anything nice, then dont say anything at all.

To d ay, Char still reacts to conflicts just as she did as a ch il d.

She has difficulty giving any negative fee d b ack to staff

m e m be rs , even when they need to correct some behav io r.

Instead she says nothing and this often contri butes to

co n flicts. For instance, when she said nothing to Steve abo u t

his put-downs towa rds a large- si zed woman in the offi c e, he r

silence enraged the wom a n , who eve nt u al ly filed a complaintwith the Human Resources offi c e.

S teve, on the other hand, had a childhood filled with loud

fi g ht in g, verbal abus e, and even some physical punishment.


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H ow Do You Reac t to Conf l ic ts?

2 5

As an adult, S t eve also yells at others when he is fru st rat e d.

He thinks his p ut -d own s a re only harmless teasing.

Our reactions to conflicts we re learned early in our lives .

These pat te rns are well ingrained into our adult behavior and

attitudes. Fo rtu n at ely we can re - l ea rn and modify the way we

react to confli c t s .

Reviewing the ways you react to conflict is another piece ofthe puzzle for understanding how conflicts wo rk. Often, a

heightened awareness of how we react can help to keep some

c o n flicts from escalati ng. We can choose how we react. We

can actually learn new and better ways to react when we have

co n fl i c ts .

I t s i n Yo u r B o d y !

Wh en ever we are exp e riencing a confli c t , the way we react to

it will also show up somewhe re in our bodies. We fre q u en tly

hear about the impact stress has on our bodies. Doctors often

t race high blood pre s s u re and back pain to stress. Employe rs

often track ch ronic absenteeism to unres o lved pro blems and

st ress. Th e re is always a price on our bodies when we havec o nfl i ct s.

Eve ry time Je n n i fer faces a conflict with a staff member,

o b s e rve rs can always tell because she stands ri gi d ly, ti g ht e n s

up her neck , and even rubs it with one hand. Once the

c on flict is resolved, Je n n ifer s neck and body re l ax .

Think about some of your recent conflicts. Recall wh at

h ap p e ne d. Whe re did you feel it in your body? Did you have

a re a ct io n :


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in your head with a headache

in your stomach with acid

in your back with lower back pain

in your shoulders with tightness

in your teeth with gri n di ng

in your hands by biting your nails in your chest with tightness?


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2 7

Often the clues to how we react in our bodies are in the

wo rds we use. Consider these common phrases heard aspeople speak about a problem:

Im pulling out my hair.

Yo ull just have shoulder it.

Let s bite into this pro bl e m .

She is so stiff necked.

I just want to close my eyes (to the confl ict ) .

I cant stomach any more !

These bodily reactions to conflict are automat i c. The only

way to ch a nge the way you react is to be aware of you r

b e h avi o r. Once monitored you can mitigate the power of

some of your rea c t i on s .

It is important to be aware of wh ere your reactions are stored

in your body because if left unatt en d e d, your body will even-

t ua l ly become ill. Disease means d is -e a se; conflicts leads to

d is - ea s e in our bodies.

A r e Yo u So m e o n e W h o . . . ?

The fo l lowing is a list of other ways people react to confl i c ts .

As you revi ew this list, note wh ich are the types of re a c t i on s

you have. Also consider if your style helps or hinders the

s i t u at i o n .

Do you react d e fe ns ively with comeb a cks like, You just

d o nt unders t a nd, or Yes, but . We often defend and

justify ours e l ves when we feel eval u ated or perceive we


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l a ck power. It also happens when we think the other pers o n

has some ulterior motive or has the authority to hurt us.

Do you come out fi gh t i n g? Do you respond with counter-

t hre ats or insults or seek reven ge?

Do you use l a n gu age t h at is not app ro p ri ate in a

p ro fessional setting?

Do you react with either of these two ex t re m es veryca lmly or ve ry an gri ly?

Do you try to smooth ove rthe confl ict , emphasizing the

i m p o rtance of harmo ny and peace?

Do you d ive rtyour reaction into another activity or conver-

s ation? Some people say We wo n t go there and immedi-

at e ly lead into another discussion. Some bus ily movethings around or phys i c a l ly go for a wa lk .

Do you just give in, abd ic at i ng by agreeing with the other

person? Do you think it is hopeless and re a d ily stat e,

Youre ri g ht !

Do you c ry?

Do you use your a u t h o ri t y to help re so lve the conflict?

Look back at your Conflict Chart and For the Record logs in

the previous ch apter and note how you initially reacted in

e a ch conflict. Use the underlined wo rds ab ove to indicat e

your reactions in prior conflicts.

C h e ck those conflict incidents when you reacted in an inap-

prop ri ate way. Then think of wh at you could have done

d i ffere nt ly. (In later ch ap t e rs you will learn more about alter-

native ways to re so l ve confl i ct s. )


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H ow Do You Reac t to Conf l ic ts?

2 9

Jake (the insurance office manager) reviewed his weeks

conflicts and immediately realized that he could not takeaway his fatigue, but he did not have to yell at his receptionist.

Instead, he could have put aside his irritation with her messy

area until another day. That way he could have chosen a

time when he was rested and calmly talked the problem over

with her.

Susan (the retail store manager) revi ewed her two- week logand re c og ni zed that her reaction to the landlords demand

about using outdoor sandwi ch boards was passive. A f t e r

m ore re fl ec t i o n , Susan re al ized that she often reacts passive ly

to pro blems with people who have control or power over her.

No longer is she content to continue this passive behav io r.

She immediat e ly signed up for a seminar on assertiveness soshe will learn how to modify this behav io r.

A r e Y o u a n A v o i d e r o f Co n f l i c t ?

If you are an avoider of conflicts, you have plenty of company.

The majority of people would rather avoid a conflict than deal

with it. In fact, many of them have a very serious problem

because their avoidance is so deeply engraved.

G rowing up in a dysfunctional fami ly life usually results in

avoidance of conflict in adulthood. Children who observe

ove rt confl ic t s , aggres s i o n, and fighting may learn quick ly to

avoid the pain of conflicts. As ch il dren , t h ey felt helpless,

and as adults this feeling of helplessness persists when they

face new conflict situat i on s , whether at wo rk or in their

p ersonal live s .


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Another reason we might be conflict avo i d e rs is that there

we re too few models in our lives to show us how to success-f u lly deal with conflicts. The well-meaning pare n t s , t e ach ers ,

and other adults in our lives also we re inadequate ly prep a re d

for adult conflicts. Even our school curriculum ra re ly

a dd ressed the topic of conflict. As we moved from ch il dh o o d

into adulthood, we came unprep a red with the skills we wo u l d

need to deal with conflicts. What we do not know how to do

is often avo i d ed.

So if we had poor ex p eriences or examples of how to deal

with conflicts in the past, to d ay we may believe that confl ic t

is bad and should be avoided at all costs. This head-in-the-

sand attitude affects eve ryo ne. You will ex p erience pro l on ge d

ago ny and stress over unre s o lved conflicts. Others aro u ndyou will be fru s t rated by your avoidance of conflicts. It does

not pay to avoid confl i ct s.

W h a t C a n Yo u D o t o C h a n g e Y o u r

R e a c t i o n s t o C o n f l i c t s ?

1. S tart by recognizing how you react to conflicts. Go back toyour Conflict Chart or For the Record log in Chapter 2.

W rite down how you reacted to each conflict.

Is there a pat t e rn in your reaction style or did you re a c t

d i ffe re n t ly to each conflict situat i o n?

Ask you rself if your reactions we re appropriate for the

s it u ati o n?

2. Examine your attitude towa rd conflict. Adjust your view of

c on flict from that of conflict as the enemy to that of every

c o nflict can be an opport u ni ty. This attitude will help you


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3 1

l e a rn more about yo urself and your conflicts. Because

co n flicts are inev i t able, you might as well benefit fromeach situati on .

3. Wo rk on ch a nging your reactions slowly. Choose one of

your reactions that can be ch a n ged more easily. It take s

about thirty days to ch a nge a habit. Wo rk on this one

reaction for that long, monitor how well you do, th e n

c e lebrate your progress. The next month, t ry another newb e havior to replace an inap prop ri ate react io n .

4. Seek professional help to deal with any serious avo id an c e

to conflict pat t ern. This is so deep seated that a therap e u ti c

i n t e rvention will be necessary to re al ize pro found chan ge.

5. Wat ch others reactions to conflicts care f u l ly. Learn to

re c og ni ze your staff members reactions by looking at then onverbal cues they give out. Help them examine their

reactions and suggest altern at ive ways to deal with

c on fl i ct s.

R e m e mb e r, we can choose how we react to confl i ct !


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Some causes of conflictscan be ve ry simple. It is 5:30 P. M.Ted has been at work since 7:30 A. M. and was too busy to

stop for lunch. He gets a phone call from one of his proj e ct

ma n age rs who raises a new pro blem. Ted s reaction is stro n g.

He cuts off the manager and slams down the phone.

It is not like Ted to behave so curt ly, but his reaction has

caused a conflict. Why? Ted is hungry! What he needs mostis foo d, not another hour at wo rk !

Other conflicts are more complex and their causes are hard e r

to decipher. Jane is a new employee who feels left out and

c o nf u se d. This is her first pro fessional job. After three wee k s

on the job, she has not produced mu ch wo rk. Her new boss is

f ru st rated and upset with her. He wo n de rs when she will

b egin to pro d u ce.

Jane re c og n i zes that there are seve ral causes to her confl i c t .

She suspects she does not have all the info rm ation she

needs to do her job well. She thinks her new boss assumes

she knows more than she re a l ly does. She also is passive lywaiting for others to fill her in on wh at she needs to know.

She was taught to wait for others with authority to speak

to yo u .

3 3

What Causes Conflicts?

4


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W h y Se a r c h f o r Ca u s e s t o Yo u r Co n f l i c t s?

Identifying the causes of your conflicts is an essential step in

su c c es sf u lly resolving them. A doctor spends time

d i agnosing the pat i e n t s symptoms before writing a pre s c ri p-

tion. We must also diagnose wh at is going on so we can

d evelop the best course of action.

Another reason for re cognizing the causes of conflicts is thati n c reased awareness will actually help some conflicts fro m

ever deve l op in g. For instance, once Ted re a li zed he

h ab it ua l ly skipped lunch and re a li zed its corre lation to the

c o nflicts he had in the aftern o on , he made sure he at e

reg ul a rly. Now conflicts do not happen because he is hungry.

E i g h t K e y C a u s e s o f C o n f l i c t

The following is a quick review of eight possible causes of

conflicts. As you read them, think back to some of the conflicts

you named earlier in Chapter 2 and note what caused them.

Later each of these causes will be explored in more detail.

1 . Unmet Needs and Wa n t sThe fi rst cause may be within individuals and their unmet

needs and wants. Conflicts happen when people are

p hy s i c al ly unwe llt ired, hu n gry, and ove r- s t re s se d. Th ey

happen when peoples basic needs for re c og n i t i o n , a ffe ct io n ,

and affil iation are not met in their team or wo rk env iro n m e n t .

Can you think of a need or want you had re c en tly that wen t

u n f u lfilled? Did it lead to a confli c t ?

2 . Va lu e s

Se c on d, c on flicts might happen because of a diffe rence in

values. Values are those beliefs that we hold dearly. Our


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3 5

values drive all of our behav i o r. Pe o pl es values differ ab o u t

ti m e, m o ney, wo rk , h ea l t h , rel at io n sh ip s , and politics. Whatare one or two important values you hold? Did one of yo u r

values clash with someone elses and thus lead to a confl i ct ?

3 . Pe r c e p t i o n s

The third source of conflicts may be diffe ring perceptions .

We all see things through diffe rent lenses that filter informa-

tion based on our ex pe riences up until this moment in time.

For ex am p le, in a meeting, one person may perc e ive that the

agenda item the team is working on is cri t i ca l , whereas

another may discount it as not important. Can you think of a

recent occasion when you perce ived a wo rk pro bl e m

di fferen t ly from someone else? Did it lead to a confli ct ?

4. Knowledge

As in Ja n es case, the info rm ation or know l e d ge we we re

give n, or not given , m ay cause a conflict. Sometimes an indi-

vidual holds a key piece of info rm ation and hoards it. Thi s

fou rth cause can be easily corrected when information is

avai lable and fre e ly shared so that everyone is on the same

p age. Can you think of a time when some info rm ation was

withheld and this led to a confli c t ?

5 . Assumptions

Based on what we know, we make assumptions. Janes boss

assumed she knew more than she did. He did not check out his

assumption, instead he was irritated with her low productivity.When assumptions are not discussed or checked for accuracy,

they will cause conflicts. When have you made an assumption

about one of your staff members and this led to a

misunderstanding?


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6 .E x p e c t a t i o n s

The sixth cause can occur when people do not know eachot h er s ex p e ct ations. For instance, Jane expected her boss to

be more helpful and not so critical. Conflicts can occur whe n

exp e ct ations are not c la ri fi e d. Jan e s boss could have been

cl ea rer about wh at he expected of her. If ex p ec t ations are

s h ared, we can try to meet each others ex pe c tations better.

Another problem can occur when exp e ct ations are notrev i ewed perio d i c a l ly. Th ey do cha n ge over time. When did

one of your ex p ec t ations lead to a confli c t ?

7 . G rowing Up Differe n t ly

A seventh cause of conflict is complex. Conflicts will occur

because we all grew up differently. This cause can incl u de

the results of growing up in a particular ra c e, et hn i c, orre l i gious group or because of our gen d e r. Each ge n erat i o n

v iews life and wo rk diffe re n t ly. Each of these ex pe ri e nc e s

gave us specific messages about how to deal with others and

with conflicts. For instance, gi rls we re taught to be the peace-

m a ke rs and boys we re encouraged to fight pro blems out. Ja ne

was taught to be defe rential to people in authori t y.

8 .Willingness and Ability to Deal with Conflicts

An underlying cause that ke eps people from re s ol v i n g

co n flicts is their willingness and ability to deal with

c o n flicts. We might not know how to deal with conflicts (our

ability is lacking) so we fumble around trying to solve them.

On the other hand, we may know how to deal with confli c t sbut are unwilling to do so.

There are many reasons why people might be unwilling to deal

with conflict and thus they avoid conflict, whenever possible.


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3 7

We all can learn how to deal with conflicts through re a di ng,

tra i n i n g, and coach i n g, but resistance to dealing withco n flicts makes it difficult to find resolutions.

B e a D e t e c t i ve !

Le t s see wh at a good detective you are! The fol lowing is a

s ce n a rio in a marketing office that includes many causes of

co n flicts. As you read this case, m a rk the places whe re youfind clues to the causes of these confl i ct s.

I t s Fri d ay at 4:00 P. M . Wa rre n , the marketing manage r, i s

re flecting on a ve ry tough week. Hes thinking,

B oy, wo rking in this dep a rtment stinks! I cant get any coop-

eration from my boss! If he wants results, hes got to cooperate

and ke ep me informed. I have nt got a crystal ball.

And why is it so hard for my staff to do their jobs right? If

t h ey want me to go to bat for them, t h ey must ke ep me posted

and give me more cooperation. I cant do this alone.

Im re a dy to look for a new job. Thank God its Fri day!

Le t s flash back to Monday morning when Wa rren is lookingover his staffs progress repo rts. As he reads he thinks,

Look at this rep o rt! It says that Jills team was supposed to

finish its marketing research by today but they still arent done.

Jill is the supervisor of the res e arch team. Warren picks up

his phone and says to Jill:

Im pretty upset that you didnt finish that rep o rt by today.

Wh at s with you, a ny way ?


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Jill gets defe n s ive and re s po n ds ,

Well, while you were at your doctors appointment last Friday

a f t e rn o o n , your boss stopped in and ord e red me to do a ru s h

job ahead of wh at you asked me to do. When I explained that I

had to finish this rep o rt for you by today, he yelled at me and

s a i d, You take ord e rs from me! I cant have eve ry To m , D i ck

and Jill coming in here and lousing up my sch e d u le!

Wa rren accepted this ex p l a nation but in a chance meeting in

the hallway with his boss, B i l l , Warren says to Bill,

Jill and I ran into a conflict when I discovered that she hadnt

finished a job on time today because you asked her to do

something else.

Bill calmly state d,

Warre n , the job had to get done and you we re nt aro u n d. I

cant talk any more about this now! Im late for a meeting. Just

see that the wo rk gets done.

Wa rren scowls as he walks away,

How in heavens name can I run my department with attitudesl ike that? he thinks.

On Tuesday,Warren looks over his e-mail messages. He

mutters to himself,

B oy, heres a complaint from the boss. He stopped in early

this morning and saw that Andys design team left their area in

a real mess. (Andy is the supervisor of the design team.)

Wa rren picks up his phone and calls A ndy.

Hey, Andy, weve gotten a complaint from the boss about how


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3 9

messy your area looked after you left last night. I think hes

upset because he has a new client visiting soon.

A n dy quick ly repl ie d,

Yo u re right boss. We we re so busy finishing that new

m a rketing campaign that Im afraid we ran out of time and

d i dnt get a chance to clean up. We ll leave enough time today

to do it ri g h t.

Wa rren was not sat i s fi e d.

I want you do that right now! I dont want to hear any more

complaints from the boss.

On We d ne s day morning Warren is re l i eved when he ch ecks

his messages; there are no more complaints from his boss

about his dep a rtment. Howeve r, A n dy s rep ort showed nop rogress on the new marketing campaign, so Warren calls

A ndy agai n :

H ey, A n dy, wh at did you do yesterday . . . have a party? Yo u r

rep o rt shows very little was done on that campaign!

A n dy begins to get angry.We l l , Wa rre n , you wanted us to clean up the area so, thats

what we did. Now youre complaining again.

Just get the job done righ t! Warren hangs up the phone with

a bang and fumes!

On Th ursd ay morning Warren is ch ecking his message s .After reading the f i rst one he ex claims out loud:

Hes got to be kidding! This is impossibl e! ! !


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Wa rren calls A n dy again.

Hey, Andy, old buddy. Ive got some good news and some bad

n ew s , and I need your help.

A n dy suspiciously asks,

Wh at s the pro blem now?

The bad news is that the boss just let me know that we need

to finish the design of the job sooner that we thought . . . infa ct, by tomorrow instead of Monday! Your people will need to

wo rk overt im e. But the good news is that hell bring in pizza.

A n dy sighs and say s,

Th ey arent going to like this at all.

I know that but we have no ch o i ce, warns Wa rre n .

About 3:00, Wa rren stops in to c he ck on A ndys progre ss .

An dy takes him aside and say s :

The team is wo rking hard, but eve ryone is gru m bl i n g. Sue is

going to miss her sons play at school. Tom had to find someo ne

to pick up his kids from day c a re. Sally was miffed to have to

cancel a hot date she had for tonight. Sam had to tell his wife

s h e d have to do the gro cery shopping, ma ke dinner, and go to

the 6:30 PTA meeting alone. Gee, Warren, couldnt you ask the

boss to reconsider that deadline?

Wa rren did not hesitate with his answer :

L o o k , Im tired of all this gri p i n g. Just tell them to get the

wo rk done and Ill bring in donuts every morning next week.

Warren thinks to himself as he walks away,

Th ey just dont get it. We have to do wh at the boss tells us to

do. Why are they being so unre a s o n abl e ?

The M anager s Po ck e t G u i d e t o D e a l i n g w i t h C o n fl ic t

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4 1

Look back at your notes and see how many of the eight

causes of this conflict you found in this story.

Unmet needs and wa n ts

Val u e s

Pe rc ep t i o n s

Knowledge

E xp e c t ati o ns G rowing up diffe re n t ly

Willingness and ability to deal with confl i c t

N ow read this interpretation from another C o n fl i c t

De t ec tive who eval u ated the story, t o o .

On Monday morn i n g, Wa rren becomes irri t ated with his bossbecause he has not kept him info rm e d. This conflict is based

on unshared knowledge.

When Warren gets irri tated at Jill, this stems from his irritation

with his boss. Jill feels unappreciated and underval u e d, so she

reacts defe n s ively. Her n e ed for ap p reci ation is the cause.

Warrens expectation that Jill should do what he says conflicts

with Bills exp ectations of Jill. Bill automat i cally expected Jill

to do something for him without ch e cking out the other tasks

on her immediate to-do list. Bill could have talked with Jill and

Wa rren to re - p ri ori t ize Jills wo rk for the coming we e k .

Bill did not have the big picture of wh at wo rk was slated fo r

attention, nor did he ask. Jill had this information but chose to

ke ep quiet. Jills passivity may have come from messages she

l e a rned as a gi rl growing up. Bills dominant behavior and

kn ow-it-all attitude could also come from messages he learne d


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4 2

about being a man. This conflict stems from their growing up

d i fferently.

Jill assumed that Bills wo rd was more important than

Warre n s. She never tested this ass ump t i o n.

When Wa rren runs into Bill and Bill brushes him off, I can

o n ly guess that Wa rren has not felt ap p re c i ated by his boss.

This cause is another unmet need or wan t.

When Wa rren does not feel va l u e d, he pro b ably is not in any

mood to ap p re c i ate the others wo rk , so he tells his team to

stop complaining.

When Wa rren calls A n dy again about the delayed rep o rt ,

p ro b ably Wa rren perc e ived that A n dy s team was g o o fing off.

A ct u a lly they were doing what Wa rren expected them to do . .. clean up! So this conflict was caused by unch e cked p e rc ep-

tions and exp e ct at io n s.

When Wa rren announces to his team there is an even earl i e r

deadline, this causes a conflict with the team members values.

Two people had fa m i ly responsibilities and another has

p e rsonal social plans, wh e reas Wa rren valued meeting adeadline for a cl i ent .

In the end, when Wa rren gets disgusted and walks away, he is

d e m o n s t rating another lesson he learned in ch i l d h o o d.

Wa rre n s short temper came from his childhood when his

father was always spouting off without listening to his wife or

ch il d ren. In adulthood,Warren continued this behavior and noone ch a l l e n ged him on this style. This is the only way he

k n ows how to react when he does not get his way. He cl e a rly

la cks the ability to deal with confl i c t!


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4 3

In fa c t , we dont know enough to determine if anyone in this

s i t u ation ever learned how to commu n i c ate cl e a rly, t on ego t i at e, or how to act as a team. If they had ever read ab o u t

c o n flict or learned these skills in some wo rk s h o p , it does not

s h ow. No one used the skills when they we re most needed!

L e t s D i g D e e p e r i n t o T h e se Ca u se s!

Th e re is more to learn about each of these eight causes ofc o nflicts. Ke ep some of your conflicts in mind as you rev i ew

the following.

Cause # 1Needs and Wants are Unmet

Remember that unmet needs and wants can cause conflicts as

well as when we are phy si c al ly unwe l l , t i re d, h u ngry, a n d

ove rst re s s e d. They happen when peoples basic needs fo rre c og ni ti o n, a ffe ct i o n , and affi l i ation are not met.

One way to get cl e arer about whi ch want or need is the basis

of the conflict is to think back over the past week and re c al l

times when some of your needs were not met. For ex a m pl e,

p e rh aps you had one of the fo l lowing happen to you :

You we re so hungry you snapped at your assistant.

You we re stressed out after a bad day at the offi c e, so yo u

failed to pay attention to your spouse, who then nagged

at you.

Your colleagues consistently ignored your suggestions in

the we ek ly meeting. When someone else made the sames ugges ti on , it was adopted.

You fought an internal battle over your need to lose wei g ht

and your desire to eat the piece of cake.


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4 4

S t art today to become more awa re of your unmet needs and

wants. Try to obtain what you need immediat e ly, e sp e c i a lly ifit is fo od, a bre ak , exe rc i s e, or sleep and you will avoid some

f u tu re conflicts. Pay attention to wh at else you wan t, and ask

for wh at it is. Ask for fe e d ba ck. Ask for people to give yo u

un d ivided attention. Ask for some days off. What you dont

ask do, you wo n t ge t!

Cause # 2Values A re in Conflict

C o nflicts often occur because of a diffe rence in values. Yo u

can avoid many conflicts if you are clear on your values and

those held by others .

Values are those beliefs that you hold so stro ng ly that they

frame your wo rds and behavi o rs. For instance, Jua n it a s

s t rong belief in providing a good early childhood ex p erie n ceprompted her to chair a company committee on starting an

onsite child care center. She put her values into action.

A belief becomes a value when you are totally comfo rt abl e

telling anyone about it. For instance, M i chael va lu e s

eve ryo n e s contributions. When a staff member interru pt s

another person and cuts their idea dow n, M icha e limm e d i at e ly speaks up and reminds his staff that eve ry idea

has va l u e. He even does the same when he hears colleag ue s

discount ideas proposed in his management council. As a

result of speaking out, ot he rs also have the courage to fol low

his example and tell others about their va l u e s .

A value is held so str o ng ly that you would be willing tod e fend it. Mary values fai rness and due process. When her

boss went around her to promote one of her staff members ,

she wrote him a memo stating the importance of following

the orga ni z at i o ns proc e d ures for promotions. She also told


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4 5

him that this action smacked of favo ritism. He rescinded his

d e ci si o n.

Values are fo rmed early in life, p ro b ably by the age of ten.

Us u al ly we adopt the values of our paren t s, chu rch leaders ,

and teache rs. Once ingra i ne d, values are hard to ch an ge.

H oweve r, when we become young adults, our chi ld h o od

values do get ch a ll e n ged. Diffe rent values than those held by

our parents are often adopted. Later in life we often willre tu rn to earlier held values. So although values are deep ly

in grai n ed, t h ey can and do cha n ge.

We always carry our values to wo rk. Th e re we will find that

o t h e rs values may differ from ours about time, use of

m o n ey and other re s o u rc e s , wo rk hab i t s , l e a rning and

grow i n g, h e a l t h , re l at i o n s h i p s , re l i gi o n , and politics. Befo rewe can respect others va l u e s , we need to cl a rify our ow n .

Ta ke a little time to cla rify some of your values. W rite out

some of your values. Try to think of values from both you r

pe rsonal and pro fessional lives. For ex a mp l e:

I value prom p tn e ss .

I value my time with my fami ly.

I value all ideas because they contribute to the best solutions.

I value dive rs it y.

Star any of your values that were in conflict with someone

else rec e n t ly.

For instance, Leslie values her family. She believes in workinghard while at work but does not want to impinge on her time

with her family by working extra hours. On the other hand,her

boss is a workaholic and expects everyone to work overtime

when he demands it. This is a conflict in values.


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One way to avoid conflicts from occurring is to take time to

l ea rn about others c o re values. Once you are clear on you rva lu e s, t ake time in a staff meeting for each person to state

their values. Be accepting of wh at ever people say is of vital

imp o rtance to them.

You could go a step further and look for values that are held

in common by all of the staff. This list of core values is also

the fo un d ation of your vision and mission.

Here is what one manager, Marilyn, created with her staff.

They identified the values they shared in common, and then

listed the beliefs they were based on. They went one step

further and listed how they could put the values and beliefs

into practice.

Cause # 3Pe rce p t ion s

We filter all info rm ation through our own personal lens or

p e rc eptions.

H e re s a quick test to try when you attend a meeting in a

d iffe rent room than usually used. During the coffee brea k ,

ask each person you are standing with wh at their fi rst

i m p ressions we re of the meeting space and who they fi rs t

s aw enter the room.

Everyone will have perc e ived something diffe rent. Someone

noticed who is we a ring clothing of their favorite color.

Another noticed how crowded this space seems. Most like ly

one person only saw wh at food was laid out.

Having different perceptions is normal. This works fine unless

there is a conflict in perceptions. For example, a common

misperception in meetings happens when the leader throws


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4 7

out an issue for discussion and seeks othersideas for solving

the problem. At least half of the people will think that the

leader plans to act on their suggestions when this may not be

her intent at all. These individuals will enthusiastically offer

ideas only to discover that their leader only intends to gather

othersideas but that she will make the final decision. This

leaves these staff members frustrated and even angry.

A key to avoiding conflicts from developing is to take time to

ch e ck out your perceptions with others before pro ce e d i n g. In

the ab ove case, the leader can avoid misperceptions in her

C ore Value s Based on Beliefs Put into Practice

D i ve rs i t y E very person We solicit and honor

has wo rt h . every pers on s ideas

and skills.

I n t e g ri t y We believe in We do what is ri gh t

honesty and tru t h. every time.

Shared Resources are We share our resourcesRe s our ce s there to share. aswell as ask for

what we need.

O pt i ons There are alw ays A l t e rn a t i ve options are

options ava ilable, some a lw ays considered.

better than others .

Social We live together in We build coalitions andR e sp o n si b ilit y this wo rld and must p a rt n e rs h i p s .

work together to

m ake it better.

Co n ti nuous L e arning is a We look for eve ry

L e a rn i n g lifetime effo rt . o p p o rtunity to learn .


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meetings by announcing who will be making the decision for

e ach agenda item.

Cause # 4Know l e d ge and Info rm a t i o n

We do not have a problem when eve ryone has equal access to

the same info rm ation or know l e d ge. Howeve r, in the re a l

world info rm ation is never equally known or shared.

Some inform ation is hoarded on purpo s e. Roland accepted a

c ro s s -c o un t ry job. He sold his home at a loss and gave away

m a ny possessions to lighten the moving load. After two

m on th s , he and seve ral others we re laid off. He was furi o u s .

Why didnt they let him know the extent of the company s

financial trou bles? He had left a secure situation only to put

his fa m ily in jeopardy! His boss tried to suga rc o at the re a so n

for withholding this info rm at i o n , but the fact is that this actcreated a serious confli ct .

One way to prevent conflicts is to eval uate wh at each perso n

k n ows. Here are four cat ego ri e s :

1. I n form ation that others know and you dont know can

cause conflicts. This is what happened to Roland. No one

l i kes surp rises. A conflict can occur when a staff membersuddenly announces something that affects you. For

i n st a n c e, S al ly had a serious conflict with a customer bu t

she did not tell her manager because she was embarras sed.

Un fo rt un at e ly the manager got a call from the customer

and he was caught entire ly off guard.

2. In formation you know but ke ep from others can cause a

co n flict. Rich was info rmed by his manager that there we re

going to be some bud get cuts. Somehow, some info rm at io n

l eaked, and rum o rs started fly in g. Rich kept denying there

were going to be cuts. Later the truth came out, and Richs

in t egrity was questioned.4 8


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4 9

Eval u ate if you are holding back on info rm ation. Why you

a re ke eping info rm ation from your staff? Proceed to sharewh at you can lega lly and safely share. It is best to share as

mu ch as possibl e, as soon as possibl e.

3. G e n e ral knowl e d ge is wh at everyone knows. This cat ego ry

will not cause conflicts for you. We can help preve n t

c o nflicts by increasing the amount of know le dge we share

with one another. Then everyone has wh at they need to gettheir wo rk done.

Set the example by sharing eve rything you can. (Of cours e,

this must meet some cr i t e ria of wh at is ap p ro pri at e.) Build

a cl im ate of trust so others will want to share information

f re e ly with you , to o .

4. The last category isinformation that remains hidden from

everyone. There is no sense worrying about this kind of

knowledge. When it is revealed is when you will deal with it.

Cause # 5Assumptions

Assumptions are the conclusions we draw from the info rm a-

tion we have at hand. If these assumptions are not discussed

or ch e cked for accura cy, t hey will cause conflicts.For instance, Te rry read on a meeting notice there would be

light ref re s hm e n t s . Because the meeting started at 5:15, h e

assumed these re f reshments would satisfy his hunger. On

arriva l , he found the emphasis was on li gh t . . . bare ly

enough food to feed a mouse! This cre ated a conflict fo r

Terry because he resented this misrep re s en tation. He was sohu n gry he could not concentrate ve ry wel l.

The next time a meeting notice advertised light refreshments

Terry picked up a bu rger on the way. However, at the next


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meeting he discove red there we re large pizzas and he was not

h un gry! He has since learned to ch e ck out his assumptions!

Cause # 6Expectations

The sixth cause can occur when people do not know each

ot h er s ex p e ct ations. We all nat u ra lly hold ex pe c t ations fo r

ou rs e l ves and others.

A rn manages seve ral people in their twenties. He expects all

of his staff members to dress pro fe s s i o n a l ly. His ex p ec t at i o n

falls short on his Generation Xers who do not want to we a r

suits and ties. Th ey also expect that their employer should

not impinge on their personal style of dres s .

C o nflicts can occur when we do not cl a rify exp e c t at io n s

when we start a new re l ationship. Arn failed to cl arify the

d ress standard during interv i ews with his yo u nger staff

m emb e rs. He also ignored their fl agrant disregard of the

d ress during their f i rst few weeks on the job. Th erefore, t he s e

young people did not r e a l i ze a conflict was brew in g.

C o n flicts also occur when we fo rget to rev i ew our

exp e c t ations perio d i c a l ly. Charl o t t es team care f ul ly cra ft e d

some guidelines on how they would work toge t h er. However,

t h ey neglected to rev i ew them. Six months, then twel ve

months went by. Two new people we re on the team and y e t

the guidelines gat h ered dust. When her team started to have

m o re confli c t s , she won d ered how this hap pe n ed. Then she

re m emb e red the guidelines. If she had kept them in the

fo re f ront of all of their meetings and if she had taken timewith the team to revi ew them eve ry few months, th e se

co n flicts pro b ably would not have grow n.

Once we share our ex p e c t at i o n s , we can better meet each

o t he r s ex p ec tati o ns .


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5 1

H e re is an exe rcise to cl a rify your ex p e ct ations. Fi rst start by

listing on the graphic an ex p ec tation that you t h in ke a ch ofthe fo l l owing people has of yo u :

Your immediate boss E a ch of your staff members

Your assistant One of your colleagu e s

N ame: _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

Nam e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2.

3

N a m e : ____ _ _

1 .

2.

3 N ame : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N a m e : ______

1.

2 .

3

Nam e : _ _ _ ___

1.

2 .

3

N a m e : _ _ _ _ _ _

1 .

2 .

3

N ame : ______

1.

2 .

3


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5 2

R e -read these exp e ct ations and star those that you willingly

and easily can meet. For instance, your boss may expect youto behave with integrit y, and you have no problem with doing

this. One of your staff members expects you to inform her

when she is not up to your standards working with customers,

and this is fine with you .

With the remaining ex p ec tations on your list, note any that

are especially difficult for you to meet. Code them with a D. For instance, one of your colleagues expects you to go

out drinking every Fri d ay. You have chi ld ren at home and a

spouse who expects you there.

Next, you go to each person on your list and see if wh at yo u

think they expect of you is wh at they actually expect. Yo u

may be surp rised when you ask. As you discuss these ex p ec-

t at io n s, you can also be honest about those that are diffic u lt

for you to meet. Pe rh aps you can re-align the ex p e c t at i o n s .

Next, write down some ex p e ct ations you have of yo urse l f.

Then code each one as ab ove; a star for those expectations

you can meet for yo urself and a D for those that are too

high. Re-nego ti ate your own exp e ct ations.

When Lee did this he re al ized that he has ve ry high ex p ec t a-

tions of himself. He thinks he should always be at the beck

and call of all his staff members when they want him to be,

so he has an open door policy. This causes a conflict because

he never has bl o cks of time to do his wo rk. The interrup t i o nsa re too disru p tive.

Lisa discove red she expects her rep orts to be perfe ct ly

written befo re handing them over to her assistant. This made


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5 3

the job easier for the assistant, but Lisa was always behind in

her wo rk. She decided to lower her standards for perfe ct io nand let her assistant take her draf t s , ma ke the corre ct io n s, a n d

do the fo rm at ti n g.

(Manager's Pocket Guide Series )Lois B. Hart-The Manager's Pocket Guide to Dealing With Conflict...

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