Love & Misadventure - WordPress.com · A Thank-You Note You have said all the things I need to hear...
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Transcript of Love & Misadventure - WordPress.com · A Thank-You Note You have said all the things I need to hear...
ContentsPart1MisadventureAToast!XsandOsADangerousRecipeJustFriendsWhenIgnoranceIsBlissHeartontheLineSeaofStrangersArtandBooksAVoyageAThank-YouNoteAnEndearingTraitHisWordAWell-DressedManAStrangerWallflowerRollercoasterHisCauseandEffectLostandFoundAfraidtoLoveTheWandererPart2TheCircusofSorrowsCircusTownATimelineInTwoPartsABadDayRoguePlanetsClosureAQuestionAWayOutLostThingsABetrayalAfterYouAReverieLettingHimGo
TheThingsWeHideLoveLostTimeTravelersASmallConsolationAnImpossibleTaskTheKeeperSadSongsJealousyWakingwithoutYouThatDayTheGirlHeLovesALover'sPastBeauty'sCurseDeadButterfliesWishfulThinkingAHeavyHeartSavingYouAnAnswerSwanSongPart3LoveFirstLoveHeandISundayswithMichaelMorningswithYouSoulMatesAFairyTaleAlwaysADreamBeforeThereWasYouBeautifulAllorNothingSomeTimeOutSoulsSoloShowTheFearofLosingYouEbbandFlowWritteninTraffic
AngelsGoldenCageLoveLettersCodependencyCanyonsATimeCapsule
ForMichaelThehalfofthisbook—thewholeofmyheart.
ADedication
Shelendsherpen,tothoughtsofhim,thatflowfromit,inhersolitary.
Forsheishispoet,Andheisherpoetry.
Part1Misadventure
AToast!
Tonewbeginnings,infearandfaithandallittinges.
Toloveisadare,whenhopeanddespair,aregatesuponithinges.
XsandOs
Loveisagameoftic-tac-toe,constantlywaiting,forthenextxoro.
ADangerousRecipe
Tolovehimissomething,Iholdhighlysuspicious.
Likehavingsomething,soverydelicious—thenbeingtold,todothedishes.
JustFriends
IknowthatIdon'townyou,andperhapsIneverwill,somyangerwhenyou'rewithher,Ihavenorighttofeel.
Iknowthatyoudon'toweme,andIshouldn'taskformore;Ishouldn'tfeelsoletdown,allthetimeswhenyoudon'tcall.
WhatIfeel—Ishouldn'tshowyou,sowhenyou'rearoundIwon't;IknowI'venorighttofeelitbutitdoesn'tmeanIdon't.
WhenIgnoranceIsBliss
Ideplore,beingignored.
For—
Iamnotabore!
Butit'sperplexinglysweet,andquitesexytoo—tobeignored,ignoredbyyou.
HeartontheLine
Loveisgood,itisneverbad—butitwilldriveyoumad!
Whenitisgiventoyou,indribsanddrabs.
SeaofStrangers
Inaseaofstrangers,you'velongedtoknowme.Yourlifespentsailingtomyshores.
Thearmsthatyearntosomedayholdme,willachebeneaththeheavyoars.
Pleasetakeyourtimeandtakeitslowly;asallyoudowillrunitscourse.
Andnothingelsecantakewhatonly—wasalwaysmeantassolelyyours.
ArtandBooks
Withoutadoubt,Imustread,allthebooksI'vereadabout.
Seetheartworkshungonhooks,thatIhaveonly,seeninbooks.
AVoyage
Tobeguidednormisguidedinlove,norbrokenhearted.
Buttosailinwaters—uncharted.
AThank-YouNote
YouhavesaidallthethingsIneedtohearbeforeIknewIneededtohearthem.
TobeunafraidofallthethingsIusedtofear,beforeIknewIshouldn'tfearthem.
AnEndearingTrait
Thescatterbrain,isalittlelike,thepatterofrain.
Neitherhere,northere,buteverywhere.
HisWord
Iamnot,justanotchonhisbelt.
Whathefeelsforme,he'sneverfelt.
Iamawordhehasheardbuthasneverseenforhimself.
Yethewantstoknow,howthatwordisspelt.
AWell-DressedMan
Hischarmwilldisarm;hissmile,instyle;hisfashion,inpassion;hiswords,hisflirt,histiefromhisshirt,tomywrists—hiskiss!hiskiss!hiskiss!
AStranger
ThereisaloveIreminisce,likeaseedI'veneversown.
OflipsthatIamyettokiss,andeyesnotmetmyown.
Handsthatwraparoundmywrists,andarmsthatfeellikehome.
IwonderhowitisImiss,thesethingsI'veneverknown.
Wallflower
Shrinkinginacorner,pressedintothewall;dotheyknowI'mpresent,amIhereatall?
Isthereawrittenrulebook,thattellsyouhowtobe—alltherightthingstotalkabout—thateveryonehasbutme?
SlowlyIamwithering—aflowerdeprivedofsun;longingtobelongto—somewhereorsomeone.
ARollercoaster
Youwillfindhiminmyhighsandlows;inmymind,he'lltoandfro.
He'sthetallestperson,thatIknow—andsohekeepsme,onmytoes.
HisCauseandEffect
Hemakesmeturn,hemakesmetoss;hiswordsmeanmineareataloss.
Hemakesmeblush!
Hemakesmewanttobrushandfloss.
LostandFound
Asunkenchest,ontheoceanground,toneverbefoundwaswherehefoundme.
Therehestirred,myeverythought,myeveryword,sogently,soprofoundly.
NowIamkept,fromdreamsIdreamt,whenonceIslept,sosoundly.
AfraidtoLove
Iturnawayandclosemyheart—tothepromiseoflovethatisluring.
Forthepasthastaughttonotbecaught,inwhatisnotworthpursuing—
ToneverdothethingsI'vedonethatoncehadledtomyundoing.
TheWanderer
Whatisshelike?Iwastold—sheisamelancholysoul.
Sheislikethesuntonight;amomentarygold.
Astarwhendimmedbydawninglight;theflickerofacandleblown.
Alonelykitelostinflight—someoneoncehadflown.
Part2TheCircusofSorrows
CircusTown
Fromacitysobrighttoastrangelittletown;onacarouselspinning,aroundandaround.
Thedizzyingheight,ofthestarsfromtheground.
Theworldallalight—withhissights,hissounds.
ATimeline
YouandIagainstarule,setforusbytime.
Amarkerdrawntoshowourend,etchedintoitsline.
Thebriefestmomentsharedwithyou—thelongestonmymind.
InTwoParts
Youcomeandgosoeasily,yourlifeisasyouknew—whilemineissplitintwo.
HowIenvysothehalfofme,wholivedbeforelove'sdue,whowasyettoknowofyou.
ABadDay
Whenthoughtsofallbutone,arethoseIamkeeping.
Whensorethoughthereisnone,forwhomIamweeping.
Acurtaindrawnbeforethesun,andIwishtogoonsleeping.
RoguePlanets
Asakid,Iwouldcountbackwardsfromtenandimagineatone,therewouldbeanexplosion—perhapscausedbyarogueplanetcrashing intoEarthorsomeothermajorcatastrophe.Whennothinghappened,I'dfeelrelievedandatthesametime,alittledisappointed.Ithinkofyouatten;thefirsttimeIsawyou.Yoursmileatnineandhowitlitupsomething insidemeIhadthought longdead.Your lipsateightpressedagainst mine and at seven, your warm breath in my ear and your handseverywhere.Youtellmeyoulovemeatsixandatfivewehaveourfirstrealfight.Atfourwehaveoursecondandthree,ourthird.Attwoyoutellmeyoucan'tgoonanylongerandthenatone,youaskmetostay.AndIamrelieved,sorelieved—andalittledisappointed.
Closure
Liketimesuspended,awoundunmended—youandI.
Wehadnoending,nosaidgood-bye.
Forallmylife,I'llwonderwhy.
AQuestion
Itwas aquestionIhadwornonmy lips fordays—likea loose threadonmyfavoritesweaterIcouldn'tresistpulling—despiteknowingitcouldallunravelaroundme.
“Doyouloveme?”Iask.InyourhesitationIfoundmyanswer.
AWayOut
Doyouknowwhatitislike,tolieinbedawake;withthoughtstohauntyoueverynight,ofallyourpastmistakes.
Knowingsleepwillsetitright—ifyouwerenottowake.
LostThings
Doyouknowwhenyou'velostsomething—likeyourfavoriteT-shirtorasetofkeys—andwhile looking for it, you comeacross somethingelseyouoncemissedbuthavelongsinceforgotten?Wellwhateveritwas,therewasapointwhereyoudecidedtostopsearching,maybebecauseitwasnolongerrequiredoranewreplacementwasfound.Itisalmostasif itneverexistedinthefirstplace—untilthatmomentofrediscovery,aflashofrecognition.Everyonehasone—aninventoryoflostthingswaitingtobefound.Yearningtobeacknowledgedfortheworththeyonceheldinyourlife.Ithinkthis iswhereIbelong—amongallyourother lostthings.Acrumplednote at the bottom of a drawer or an old photograph pressed between thepagesofabook.IhopesomedayyouwillfindmeandrememberwhatIoncemeanttoyou.
ABetrayal
IcannotundowhatIhavedone;Ican'tun-singasongthat'ssung.
Andthesaddestthingaboutmyregret—
Ican'tforgiveme,andyoucan'tforget.
AfterYou
IfIwroteitinabook,couldIshelveit?
IfItoldofwhatyoutook,wouldthathelpit?
IfIwillit,canIun-feelit,nowI'vefeltit?
AReverie
Adustyroom,awindowchair,unseeingeyesthatgazeintothemontageofaloveaffair.
Acarouselofmemories,spinningroundintoablur.
Hermindisnowafairgroundride—shewondersifyouthinkofher.
LettingHimGo
There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you lovesomethinggreaterthanyourself.Atendersacrifice.Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of amermaid; or the bent andbrokenfeetofadancingballerina.ItisineveryconsideredstepIamtakingintheoppositedirectionofyou.
TheThingsWeHide
Andso,Ihaveputawaythephotographs,everytraceofyouIknow.
Thethingsthatseemtomatterless,aretheonesweputonshow.
LoveLost
Thereisonewhoyoubelongto,whoselove—thereisnosongfor.Andthoughyouknowit'swrongful,thereissomeoneelseyoulongfor.
Yourheartwasonceavessel,itwasfilleduptothebrim;untilthedayheleftyou,noweverythingsingsofhim.
Ofthetwowhocametoloveyou,toone,yourheartyougave.Helivesinstarsaboveyou—inthelovewhocameandstayed.
TimeTravelers
Inallourwrongs,Iwanttowritehim,inatimewhereIcanfindhim.
Beforethetearsthattoreus.
Whenourhistorywasbeforeus.
ASmallConsolation
Everythingthatweoncewere,isnowasadandlonelyverse.
WhenonceIhadsomuchtosay,Iamnowbereftofwords.
Sometimesitistheorderofthings,thatmakethemseemmuchworse.
It'snotasifyouwouldhavestayed,ifIhadn'tleftyoufirst.
AnImpossibleTask
Totryoruntrytoforgetyounot,mayberelatedsomewhat—
Totying,thentryingtountie,acomplicatedknot.
TheKeeper
Youwerelikeadream,IwishIhadn'tsleptthrough.
WithinitIfelldeeper,thanyourheartwouldcaretoletyou.
Ithoughtyouwereakeeper,IwishIcouldhavekeptyou.
SadSongs
Once therewas a boywho couldn't speak but owned amusic box that heldeverysonginalltheworld.Onedayhemetagirlwhohadneverheardasinglemelodyinherentire lifeandsoheplayedherhisfavoritesong.Hewatchedwhileherfacelitupwithwonderasthemusicfilledtheskyandthepoetryoflyricsmovedherinawayshehadneverfeltbefore.Hewouldplayhissongsforherdayafterdayandshewouldsitbyhimquietly—never seeming tomind thathe couldonly speak toher through song. Shelovedeverythingheplayedforher,butof themall—she lovedthesadsongsbest.Sohebegantoplaythemmoreandmoreuntileventually,sadsongswereallshewouldhear.Oneday,henoticedithadbeenaverylongtimesinceherlastsmile.Whenheaskedherwhy, she tookbothhishands inhers andkissed themwarmly.Shethankedhimforhisgiftofmusicandpoetrybutaboveallelse—forshowinghersadnessbecauseshehadknownneitherofthesethingsbeforehim.Butitwasnowtimeforhertogoaway—tofindsomeonewhocouldshowherwhathappinesswas.................................................Doyourememberthesongthatwasplayingthenightwemet?No,butIremembereverysongIhaveheardsinceyouleft.
Jealousy
Itwasthewayyouspokeabouther.
Withanimosity,regret,disdainandunderneathitall—justahintofpride.
WakingwithoutYou
Everysongthatsingsofhim,fromeveryheartheardbreaking.
Isingalongindreamsofhim,Iclingto—whenIstartwaking.
ThatDay
Irememberourhighsinhues,likethecolorofhiseyesasthesunwassetting;thepaleofhishandsinmine,andtheblueofhissmile.
Irememberoursorrowsinshades,likethegrayoftheshadows,whichloomedthatday,andthewhiteinhisliewhenhepromisedtostay.
TheGirlHeLoves
TherewasamanwhoIonceknew,formetherewasnoother.Theclosertolovingmehegrew,themorehewouldgrowfurther.
Itriedtolovehimashisfriend,thentolovehimashislover;butheneverlovedmeintheend—hisheartwasforanother.
ALover'sPast
Theturbulentturnsandthetidesthattwistthem.
Whenwhattheyoncewere,washowshehadwishedthem.
Andallthejoyshebroughther,howshecouldlistthem.
Intimeshewilllearn,nottomissthem.
Beauty'sCurse
Herbowisdrawntoworldsofdark;wherearrowsspringandmisstheirmark.
She'llturntheirheads—butnottheirhearts.
DeadButterflies
Isometimesthinkaboutthefragilityofglass—ofbrokenshardstearingagainstsoftskin.Whenintruth,itisthetransparencythatkillsyou.Thepainofseeingthroughtosomethingyoucanneverquitetouch.ForyearsI'vekeptyouinsecret,behindaglassscreen.I'vewatchedhelplesslyas day after day, your newgirlfriend becomes yourwife and then later, themotherofyour children.Then realizing the irony in thinkingyouwere theone under glass when in fact it has been me—a pinned butterfly—static andunmoving,watchingwhileyourotherlifeunfolds.
WishfulThinking
Yousaythatyouareoverme,myheart—itskips,itsinks.
Iseeyounowwithsomeonenew,Istare,Istare,Iblink.
SomedayI'llbeoveryou,Iknow,Iknow—Ithink.
AHeavyHeart
Allyouhavedone,Ihadhopedtopardon.
Whenthedeathoflovewasslowforme—foryouwassudden.
Nowtheyearsgoby,andmyhearthashardened.
SavingYou
Thedarknesstakeshimover,thesicknesspullshimin;hiseyes—ablown-outcandle;Iwishtogowithhim.
SometimesIseeaflicker—alightthatshonefromthem;Iholdhimtometightly,beforehe'sgoneagain.
AnAnswer
Tochoosefromthereweremany;amongthem,thereweresome.
AndofthoseIlovedyou,morethanany—butnotasmuchasone.
SwanSong
Herheartisplayedlikewell-wornstrings;inhereyes,thesadnesssings—ofonewhowasdestinedforbetterthings.
Part3Love
FirstLove
BeforeIfellinlovewithwords,withsettingskiesandsingingbirds—itwasyouIfellinlovewithfirst.
HeandI
Whenwordsrundry,hedoesnottry,nordoI.
Weareonpar.
Hejustis,Ijustam,andwejustare.
SundayswithMichael
Iholdmybreathandcounttoten,Istandandsit,thenstandagain.Icrossandthenuncrossmylegs,theplanesareflyingoverhead.
Thedialturnswitheverytwist,aroundthewatch,aroundhiswrist.Restingtherewithpeninhand,whocouldeverunderstand?
ThewayhewritesofallIdream,thingskindyetcruelandin-between,whereunderneaththosetwistedtrees,aprettygirlfallentoherknees.
Whocouldknowtheworldwe'vespun?Ishrugmyshouldersandholdmytongue.Iholdmybreathandcounttoten,Istandandsit,thenstandagain.
MorningswithYou
Islowlywakeasdayisdawning,tofingertipsandlipsimploring.
Thesheetsagainstmyskin,hesays,likewrappingpaperonChristmasmorning.
SoulMates
I don't know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I amgettingtoknowyouandmoreasthoughIamrememberingwhoyouare.Howeverysmile,everywhisperbringsmeclosertotheimpossibleconclusionthatIhaveknownyoubefore,Ihavelovedyoubefore—inanothertime,adifferentplace—someotherexistence.
AFairyTale
Startofspring;heartinbloom;ourwhisperingsinsunlitrooms.
Summerwasfeltalittlemore;inautumnIbegantofall.
Whenwintercamewithallitswhite,youwereminetokissgoodnight.
Always
Youwereyou,andIwasI;weweretwobeforeourtime.
IwasyoursbeforeIknew,andyouhavealwaysbeenminetoo.
ADream
As the Earth began spinning faster and faster, we floated upwards, handslocked tightly together, eyes sad and bewildered.We watched as our facesgrew younger and realized the Earth was spinning in reverse, moving usbackwardsintime.Then we reached a point where I no longer knew who you were and I wasgraspingthehandsofastranger.ButIdidn'tletgo.Andneitherdidyou........................................Ihadmyfirstdreamaboutyoulastnight.Really?Shesmiles.Whatwasitabout?Idon'trememberexactly,butthewholetimeIwasdreaming,Iknewyouweremine.
BeforeThereWasYou
WhenIusedtolookabove,allIsawwassky;andeverysongthatIwouldsing,Isungnotknowingwhy.
AllIthoughtandallIfelt,wasonlyjustbecause,neverwasiteveryou—untilitwasalltherewas.
Beautiful
Yourhandreachesformine.Wekisstentatively,passionatelyandthen,tenderly.
Youbrushmyhairawayfrommyface.“You'rebeautiful.”Iwrinklemynoseinprotest.“Youare.”
AllorNothing
Ifyoulovemeforwhatyousee,onlyyoureyeswouldbeinlovewithme.
Ifyoulovemeforwhatyou'veheard,thenyouwouldlovemeformywords.
Ifyoulovemyheartandmind,thenyouwouldloveme,forallthatI'm.
Butifyoudon'tlovemyeveryflaw,thenyoumustn'tloveme—notatall.
SomeTimeOut
Thetimemaynotbeprimeforus,thoughyouareaspecialperson.
Wemaybejusttwodifferentclocks,thatdonottock,inunison.
Souls
Whentwosoulsfallinlove,thereisnothingelsebuttheyearningtobeclosetotheother.Thepresencethat is felt throughahandheld,avoiceheard,orasmileseen.Soulsdonothavecalendarsorclocks,nordotheyunderstandthenotionoftimeordistance.Theyonlyknowitfeelsrighttobewithoneanother.This isthereasonwhyyoumisssomeonesomuchwhentheyarenotthere—eveniftheyareonlyintheverynextroom.Yoursoulonlyfeelstheirabsence—itdoesn'trealizetheseparationistemporary........................................CanIaskyousomething?Anything.Whyisiteverytimewesaygoodnight,itfeelslikegood-bye?
SoloShow
Hepullsthethickwoolensweaterup,overmyhead.
Littlesparksofstaticdanceacrossmyskin.
Doesithurt?Hesays,runninghishandsgentlyovermywarmbody.
Itisyourownlittlefireworksshow,Iwhisper.
TheFearofLosingYou
Withoutmeaningto,he'sdisarmedme,withkissesthatsootheandalarmme.
Inarmsthatterrifyandcalmme.
EbbandFlow
Sheyearnstolearnhowhistideisturned,tounderstandeachgrainofsand,heknows.
Tomoveinrhythm,withhisebbandflow.
WritteninTraffic
Aquietgladness,inthebusysadness;insidethefinaltussle,ofloveanditsmadness.
Itsgoodnessandbadness,itshustleandbustle.
Angels
It happens like this.One day youmeet someone and for some inexplicablereason,you feelmoreconnected to this stranger thananyoneelse—closer tothem than your closest family. Perhaps because this person carries an angelwithin them—one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you animportantlessonortokeepyousafeduringaperiloustime.Whatyoumustdois trust in them—even if they comehand inhandwithpainor suffering—thereasonfortheirpresencewillbecomeclearinduetime.Though here is a word of warning—you may grow to love this person butremembertheyarenotyourstokeep.Theirpurposeisn'ttosaveyoubuttoshowyouhowtosaveyourself.Andoncethisisfulfilled,thehaloliftsandtheangelleavestheirbodyasthepersonexitsyourlife.Theywillbeastrangertoyouoncemore........................................It'ssodarkrightnow,Ican'tseeanylightaroundme.That'sbecausethelightiscomingfromyou.Youcan'tseeitbuteveryoneelsecan.
GoldenCage
Abirdwhohurtherwing,nowforgottenhowtofly.
Asongsheusedtosing,butcan'trememberwhy.
Abreathshecaughtandkept—thatleftherinasigh.
Ithurtshersotoloveyou,butshewon'tsaygood-bye.
LoveLetters
Everyletterthatshetypes,everykeystrokethatshestrikes—
Tospellyournameagainandagain—isallsheeverwantstowrite.
Codependency
Thereisnothingmorenice,thereisnothingmuchworser;thanmeasyourviceandyouasmyversa.
Canyons
RarelydothewordsIloveyouprecedeaquestionmark—butit isaquestionnonetheless and your answer to mine was the incarnation of a wish—thefulfillmentofapromise.Somewherebetweenfallinginandoutoflove,thequestionspilledfromourlipsoverandover—readilyansweredwithgreedyhandsandravenousmouths.It was cautiously whispered on rooftops, as we looked down on terrifyingheightsandcriedoutundercreased,whitesheetsinbreathlessadmissions.Towards good-bye, I asked the question, and your reply was a thoughtlessechoasI stood, feelingas thoughIwas shoutingmeaninglesswords intoanemptycanyon—justtohearthemrepeatedback........................................“Iloveyou,”hesaysforthefirsttime.Iturnmybodytofacehis.“Sayitagain.”Hesaysitoverandoveragain,pullingmebeneathhim.
ATimeCapsule
Thisiswhere,Ibegantocare,whereIwasbefriended.
Thisiswhere,mysoulwasbared,whereallmyruleswerebended.
Thisiswhere,amomentweshared,wasstolenandexpended.
Nowthisiswhere,thisiswhere,thisiswherewe'veended—
AbouttheAuthor
The work of poet and artist Lang Leav swings between the whimsical andwoeful,expressingacomplexitybeneathitschildlikefacade.Lang is a recipient of theQantas Spirit of Youth Award and a prestigiousChurchillFellowship.Herartwork isexhibited internationallyandshewas selectedto takepart inthelandmarkPlayboyReduxshowcuratedbytheAndyWarholMuseum.Shecurrentlyliveswithherpartnerandcollaborator,Michael,inalittlehousebythesea.
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LOVE&MISADVENTUREcopyright©2013byLangLeav.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthecontextofreviews.
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