L e e kNo oNe’s LookiNg... Take a Leek!

Cat Shows Held in New Vista Auditorium Every Tuesday Night

Hunter Renames Alge-bra 2 to “Maths 2”

Not On Tobacco Paus-es Meeting for Group-Wide Smoke Break

PM 1st Hour Becomes “Lunch Class”

The 14 Feb 2012V. 11 I. 1

does not condone stupidity, idiocy, foolishness, ridiculousness, tomfoolery, inde-cency, babd spelling and wrong gramer, bad behaviour, English spellings, bad choices, poor decision-making, fluff, stuff, insert thing here, bad journalism, deceit, lying concealment, raising a zombie horde to do your dirty work, satire, exceptions (on all days except Tuesdays), long lists, hypocrisy, metacognition,

breaking the fourth wall, socialism, endorsement, misanthropy, filler, or hippopotomonstrosesquipe-dalianism. Except when we do.

The Leek

TSA Takes Fan’s Tebow Jersey, Causes Broncos LossThe cause of the Denver Broncos

humiliating loss to the New England Patriots has been traced to a single TSA agent at Denver International Airport, Christopher Brycefeld. On January 13, Brycefeld confiscated Broncos fan Alan Dubinsky’s navy blue Tim Tebow jersey after it tested positive for “suspicious chemicals.” The confiscation of the jersey pre-vented the Broncos from winning the playoff game the following day.

During a routine screening check on the morning of January 13, Bry-cefeld searched Dubinsky’s bags and confiscated the fan’s number 15 Tebow jersey. The jersey was dust-ed with what Brycefeld described as a “fine white powder.” TSA agents were unable to identify the powder using the equipment available at DIA, and therefore decided to hold the jersey until the composition of the powder was verified.

Dubinsky, a former high school football star, begged Brycefeld to

let him keep the jersey, claiming that the powder on it allowed him to communicate directly with Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow. Brycefeld ignored Dubinsky’s request and Du-binsky was forced to fly to Boston without his beloved jersey.

The importance of Dubinsky’s jer-sey was not revealed until after the Patriots’ victory. In an exclusive in-terview with The Leek, quarterback Tim Tebow stated that he “…felt lost during the game… I normally have a voice guiding me through the game. But this evening, I was com-pletely in the dark.” Due to his high-ly publicized evangelism, The Leek then proceed to ask Tebow if he be-lieved the voice came from a higher figure. After a moment’s hesitation, Tebow sheepishly admitted that the voice came from Dubinsky. The quarterback then explained that his now-popular “Tebowing” posture is actually a code he uses to signal that he is looking for Dubinsky’s advice.

On January 16, official reports from the FBI stated that the powder on Dubinsky’s confiscated jersey was an extract from the plant Por-rum levitatis, a rare herb which al-lows those in close contact with it to telepathically communicate with people up to two miles away. This plant is also known for being used in voodoo magic and alchemy.

Following the discovery that the confiscation Dubinsky’s jersey had caused the Bronco’s devastating loss to the Patriots, officials at DIA presented a public apology to both Tebow and Dubinsky. After reveal-ing a New England Patriots tattoo on his left bicep, Brycefeld was transferred to Logan International Airport in Boston. Dubinsky’s jer-sey has been returned and as a final apology, DIA has issued a statement claiming that it will repaint Luis Ji-ménez’s sculpture Mustang white and orange.

The Leek2

Registration PreviewHow Not to Be Stupid -- Marco, SeminarThis course examines the emergence of stupidity in the human brain, and what can be done about it. Topics in-clude how to keep your pants from falling off of your butt, the location of the volume control on your car and the direction in which it should be turned in order to reduce the amplitude of the sound, and general appear-ance and dress suggestions. Students must be nominat-ed by Marco in order to enroll in the class. Coreq. IIP0 Being Called Worthless and Weak: Workshop

How to Not Piss off Donna -- Donna, All Day Something -- Some Student Teacher, Time TBDDuring this course, we will investigate the progression of insanity in a student-teacher’s mind; in addition, we may be able to learn about Something by the end of the quarter. Topics will include Turning in Late Work Just to Make the Teacher Mad, Telling Inside Jokes the Teacher Doesn’t Understand and Making up Excuses to Leave the Room.

Something and Video -- Pfouts, AMIn this course, we will analyze Something in order to create interpretive videos. Students will read/inves-tigate/research Something, and create cool videos to show at Exhibition Day so that Pfouts can keep his reputation as a cool teacher. In addition, students might even do so writing/reading about Something at some point, if they aren’t just there for the video part.

Something, Justice and Video -- Kara, Sem-inarSomewhere in the world, Something is happening where Somebody is being mistreated. In this class, stu-dents will examine how Some Catastrophe came to be, what the Some Consquences were and how Something Similar can be prevented from happening again. Be-cause Pfouts has off seminar and has nothing better to do, students will be making videos about Something to enrich their learning. This will also provide an oppurtu-nity for Kara and Pfouts to hang out.

Clapping for Credit -- Dave, SeminarThe course will focus on the appreciation of loud mu-sic. Students will learn to enjoy metal, experimental metal, death metal, grindcore, black metal, indie metal, folk metal, death n’ roll, funeral doom, and Christian experimental death grindcore black indie folk death fu-neral metal. Insurance for deafness is recommended.

Australian 1A -- Hunter, PMThe first step in New Vista’s new goals to increase the diversity of language offerings. Topic will include com-mon phrases and how Australian differs from English.

Blowing Stuff Up -- Mark, AMThis class will utilize the same curriculum as Chemis-try B, but it will be really cool. Actually, Mark just got tired of hiding what he was really doing in Chem B, and so he renamed the class.

Advanced Hair Coloring -- Faith, Work-shopWanted to fit in at New Vista but never known quite how? Learn advanced techniques in this upper-level dying course.

Joel Class -- JoelThe first rule of Joel Class is not to talk about Joel Class.

Facial Hair Management -- Mark, Andy, PMLearn how to deploy your budding facial hair in this introductory course. In this class, we will cover the his-tory, style, and management of mustaches, beards, and sideburns. Enrollment restrictions apply.

Anatomy -- Kate, SeminarExploring the anatomy of the human body... Restricted to those 18 and older.

Making it in Making It -- Susie, WorkshopFor those who can’t quite seem to make it, even when the goal is just to make it, this class proives extra sup-port for extra support. This class is seperate from Mike’s Making It Workshop since Mike has been known to in-hibit productivity. Coreq. Making It

The Leek 3

Earlier this week, College Board, the non-profit orga-nization that administers the SAT and the Practice SAT (PSAT), announced that they were introducing another test to help students prepare for their college applica-tion process: the Practice PSAT, or PPSAT. According to College Board spokesman Maghan Keita, the PPSAT will allow students to acquaint themselves with the PSAT in a low-stress environment, before acquainting themselves with the SAT in a slightly less low-stress environment. The PPSAT will shorter than the PSAT (only one hour instead of two) but will include ques-tions similar to those on the PSAT, to help identify nec-essary areas of study for the actual practice test, which will then identify necessary areas of study for the actual SAT, which should be taken at least two full years after the PPSAT.

In addition, College Board has begun publishing preparation handbooks for the PPSAT, so that students may further prepare themselves for the preparation for the preparation for the actual test.

College Board Adds Practice PSAT

News IN BrIef

After a site-wide blackout of Wikipedia in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), the nation saw monstrous drops in the average national intelligence quotient.

The blackout, though effective, was disastrous for many students trying to complete a write-up that was due on Thursday. “I just lost my ability to research! My mind went blank and a sense of hopelessness came over me,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “The only page I could view was the entry on SOPA, which didn’t apply at all to the write up.”

Even our Principal Kirk Quitter found himself strug-gling to keep meetings straight, according to his sec-retary Ann Thomaier. Quitter could not be reached for comment.

National reports suggest that an extreme dependence on the website Wikipedia caused the massive IQ drops. The blackout sent a powerful message by turning the nation into a group of imbeciles.

Wikipedia Blackout Causes IQ Drops

At the beginning of New Vista High School’s 3rd quater, this year, Cheryl - director of Community Ex-perience operations - was presented with an unsual proposal. A student (who, for security purposes, shall remain unnamed) submitted a CE form claiming that, in an average week at school, he spent over four hours re-arranging the student tables from pods into wide cir-cles and vice-versa.

“I take classes with Pfouts, Marco and Anissa. I spend more time moving around the tables than I do anything else. I find the table rearrangement to be cre-atively and athletically fulfilling, and a full-time ace-demic pursuit, for which I deserve credit. Lots of cred-it.” The student told our reporters, straight-faced.

It seems that a wave of new, unorthodox CE pro-posals will soon be overflowing Cheryl’s box - Leek staffers have heard talk of “Fussing With the Freakin’ Vending Machine”, “Wandering the Halls Like a Lo-botomized Zombie”, and “Actively Not Paying Atten-tion During Community Gathering” Community Expe-rience proposals already in the process of being created.

Student Proposes “Table Rearrange-ment” Community Experience

The Leek4

New Vista Bans Valentine’s Day Gifts

What In Carnations?

In a startling announcement earli-er today, Principal Kirk Quitter pro-claimed that students at New Vista are no longer be allowed to receive gifts from their sweethearts around Valentine’s Day due to the fact that it has been distracting people from their work.

Since the beginning of February, the number of students receiving jewelry, chocolate, flowers, and other gifts has risen dramatically. This has sent many lovestruck teen-age girls into a permanent state of daydreaming and sighing. The swooning has not gone unnoticed by teachers. Joel claims he recent-ly collected a worksheet from a sophomore with the student’s first name and her crush’s last name written over and over again. “It was absolutely ridiculous,” said Joel, “I don’t think even Juliet thought about Romeo as much as this stu-

dent does.” Other teachers have also complained about students dreamily gazing at the new necklaces their boyfriends just bought from Shane Company, chocolate heart wrappers on the floor, and flower petals from young maidens playing “he loves me, he loves me not.”

However, Cupid’s arrows seem to have struck the hearts of more than just the ladies. A star-crossed se-nior was spotted outside of Alex’s room reciting a medieval ballad to his Lady Fair. The recipient of the poem, however, did not seem im-pressed by Prince Charming’s dis-play, and promptly dumped a bottle of water on him. Several days later, Marco caught a slightly more sub-tle junior constantly checking his pockets. Thinking the student was texting in class, Marco questioned the student, who admitted he was actually constantly checking his

pockets to make sure he hadn’t lost the tickets to the romantic comedy he and is girlfriend were going to that evening.

After receiving numerous several complaints from both teachers and single students, Kirk decided to outlaw Valentine’s Day gifts. “Al-though I don’t mind romance out-side of school,” said Kirk, “we can-not have it interrupting the school day. After all, love lasts a lifetime. New Vista only happens in high school.” He then outlined the for-bidden gifts, from mushy cards to heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. Candy hearts, however, are permis-sible because “it’s the only time of year you can find them.” Students found violating these rules will be given detention, where they will have to watch every romantic com-edy starring either Meg Ryan or Tom Hanks.

The normally cheerful and light New Vista hallways were instead an all out crime scene last Tuesday as Boulder police are investigat-ing what they are calling the larg-est organized illegal flower trade and smuggling operation in recent memory. Fronted by an innocent group of High School senior girls, police say that these women are in fact highly trained and dangerous criminals who are working for the notorious Ukrainian flower mob.

Many students were shocked to find out that what they thought to be a heartfelt gift to a lover or “friend” for Valentines Day, was in fact a class three illegal pollinator. We interviewed one New Vista stu-

dent about the incident, and his response could not have been any more disappointing. When asked to respond to the incident, the student blankly said,

“Oh no man, I wasn’t at school on Tuesday. But this kinda sucks now. What am I supposed to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day now?”

Investigators say that this is the largets illegal flower-trafficking op-eration at New Vista since the arrest of Rose Runners in 1997.

The Leek 5

Jeff Opens Love Booth for Valentine’s Day

Jeff’s Love Advice Column

Study Center monitor Jeff Mogab will be opening a ‘love booth’ for the many pubescent teens of New Vista High School in hopes to re-kindle the long lost passion between teenagers. Said Jeff, “When I was in High School, Valentine’s Day was probably the biggest excuse for students to be as passionate and as mushy as they wanted. Nowadays, students loathe the idea of Valen-tine’s and continuously shun it with their electronica. I want to change that.”

Jeff’s love booth, titled “Jeff’s Love Solutions” will make it’s de-but this Monday, the day before Val-entine’s Day and will feature lunch-long relationship advice counseling, “moonlit” walks down the auditori-um aisle, freshmen-drawn carriage rides to Basemar or The Hill, and Scary Movie showings for couples.

The booth will be set up during break and lunch every day of the school week in Jeff’s office and will accept cash or coffee only.

Ask Jeff for love advice by leaving a note taped to his office door in the Study Center. Let’s see if we can get fifteen up be-

fore he figures out what’s going on! Don’t be a party pooper.

Hey Jeff, so there’s a girl I really like in my advisory but she always avoids my eye contact. I don’t think she feels the same way I do about her... How can I sway her feelings towards me? --BOBBY

Hey Bobby, I really don’t think I can answer that. I wasn’t hired to help with that kind of stuff. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s against district policy. Sorry.

so like my boyfriend dosnt have a job or anything so its like hard for him to gimme stuff but its like valentines day so like i want him to gimme stuff so like how can i tell that he needs to get a job without sounding like an-noying or some thing. -- DINA

Hi Dina, you’re the second individual to send me a note requiring relationship assistance. I really can’t help out with that sort of business. On the other hand, there were a myriad of grammar and spelling mistakes in your note so come see me after school if you want some English advice.

Hey, Jeff! So I will be honest... I am very bad at anything love related. Most of my friends tease me for it, and it’s time to put their obnoxious comments to rest. There is a senior boy who I have admired for a very long time. The only thing is I don’t know how to tell him I like him. Can you offer any insight? -- JENNY

This is the third note I’ve received today inquiring about love advice. Someone has to be behind this. Is it Marco? Pfouts even? Who ever it is, tell them the joke is over and to wipe that smile off his or her smug little face. I appreciate your honesty, but I really cannot help. Sorry.

The Leek6

Boiler Room Ghost Really Just Noisy LeprechaunOver the past year, a ridiculous

rumour has spread through New Vista: students have proposed that the boiler room is haunted. Many students have supposedly heard “pinging” sounds from within the boiler room, almost like “marbles bouncing off a metal tube” (as one sophomore described it). We at The Leek are proud to say that these re-ports have been investigated and proven false. Last week a member of our staff took the liberty of put-ting these idiotic prepositions to rest. Upon venturing into the boiler room after hearing the notorious “pinging” noises, this is what she found:

“When I first went in I didn’t see

much but I could tell the sound was being emitted from behind this big cylindrical machine thingy. I’ll ad-mit, I was a little bit scared to see what was making the noise but I knew had to it. Sure enough when I went around machine there was no ghost to be found, just a little lep-rechaun summoning coins into his hands and chucking them at the ma-chine. I promptly and politely told him to stop to which he responded with a devilish wink and then disap-peared”

In response this news, science teachers have been rightfully ridi-culing students for believing that silly things like ghosts exist. Seri-ously though, ghosts? Come on.

Grand Opening of Invisible Cafeteria Enormous SuccessNearly 100 students and staff

cheered as principal Kirk Quitter took the first bite of invisible food the at the grand opening of New Vista’s new invisible cafeteria on Monday. The opening came at the conclusion of years of promises, months of construction work and weeks worth of postponed dead-lines.

“We’ve overcome many obsta-cles, such as the incorrect color of invisible paint,” said the foreman of Saunders Construction as fresh un-filled plates were placed in front of the 97 attendees of the event. “How-ever, your new invisible cafeteria is finally ready for your use!” He

then ceremoniously lifted an empty fork and plunged it into his mouth, splattering invisible tomato sauce onto his face and the audience.

Students at the opening said that they disliked the transpar-ent nature of the cafeteria’s food, although most of the students surveyed leaving the event said that they would most likely return to the cafeteria for lunches as soon as there was actually food to eat. Students just trying to find a free lunch for the day said that they were disappointed by the invisible food presented, and some said that they wished that they

had just gone to the GSA meeting, where the pizza is visible.

The construction of the invisible elevator is scheduled for comple-tion next week.

Food Coming to an Invisible Cafeteria Near You:

• Loch Ness Burritos and Tater Tots• Bigfoot Burgers• Salad Bar• Santa Claus Stew with Mixed Fruit• Boiler Room Leprecaun Corn Beef • Golden Goose Eggs• Purple Cow Beef• Fail Sauce• Crushed Hopes and Dreams, Sea-

soned with Pickles and Mustard

The Leek 7

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Cookie Friday Quickly Becomes Rugby GameLast Friday, what begin as the

popular Free Cookie Friday ended as a full on rugby game between multiple students and a staff mem-ber. It all started when the hands of a freshman boy and junior girl met on the last cookie in that infamous, black bowl. Thinking fast, the junior tore the cookie from the freshman’s grasp. When about to take a victory bite, the girl was tackled by yet an-other junior. This quickly escalat-ed into a full on wrestling match by

the front entrance. After only a few minutes passed, ten students had become involved in the brawl while others stared on in both horror and amusement.

At this point, Donna (who was the only person in the front office at that time) finally returned from making copies of nondescript, im-portant papers. Seeing the chaos that was taking place, she phoned for Kirk’s assistance. After arriv-ing at the scene and doing a quick

debriefing, he realized what he had to do: get a hold of that the cookie or else he wouldn’t get to enjoy any of its sweet glory until the follow-ing break. It eventually took the as-sistance of all the other staff mem-bers to pull apart Kirk and the ten students. It is rumored that a large section of the upcoming commu-nity gathering has been reserved for Kirk and the others to give their apologies to the school.

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The Leek apologizes for this edi-torial error. All reponsible parties, including those responsible for the responsible parties, will be prompt-ly sacked.

A! Aaa aa.The Leek apologises again for

this editorial error. All those re-sponsable for sacking those respon-sible for the previous error have been sacked.

The Leek8

James Cameron Begins Production of “Concordia”

Students Suddenly Find 100-Level Fascinating

World-renowned film director and producer James Cameron an-nounced Saturday that he plans to release another film, Concordia, documenting the recent partial sink-ing of the cruise ship MS Costa Concordia. Cameron claimed that it would be a good addition to his 1997 film Titanic, citing the similarities between the two shipwrecks. The film is slated for release in 2015.

On January 13, 2012, just a few months short of the 100th anniver-sary of the sinking of the luxury ship RMS Titanic, the cruise liner Costa Concordia struck a rock and capsized about 200 meters off the coast of Italy. Although most people would view this as a great tragedy, filmmaker James Cameron sees this as an opportunity. Cameron, most famous for directing Terminator (1984), Titanic (1997) and Avatar (2009), announced during a press conference that he plans to direct a

film chronicling the events of the wreck. He stated that the plot would follow a pair of star-crossed lovers, the beautiful Oxford graduate Heather DeWhim Bucketter and the aspiring punk rocker Josh Dodson. The film will follow their budding ro-mance as the ship sails clos-er to the rocks off Isola de Giglio. Cameron followed up by stating that this film will be much shorter than Titanic and will not feature a lead character’s death by hypothermia.

Critics claim that Cameron is being unimaginative. Sur-vivors of the Costa Concor-dia have already cited the similari-ties between the film Titanic and the recent shipwreck. Some have even claimed the film’s famous theme song; Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will

Go On” was playing when the Costa Concordia struck the rocks. When asked to comment on this, Cameron said; “I told them they should know better.”

Literally almost overnight about 85% of New Vista’s student body suddenly began flocking in the 100-level hallway at New Vista ev-ery day at break and even at lunch. This strange phenomenon occurred briefly a few weeks ago but quickly diminished and the order of thing was restored, until recently.

Never before have so many stu-dents gathered in this bleak, surreal hallway, and no one can figure out why it had to happen now. The only logical explanation, given by Mark, is that the “students feel the depres-sion and anxiety brought on by the inclement weather and therefore

must engulf themselves in it by any physical and or mental means”.

The Leek interviewed several dozen anonymous students about how they felt about the hallway and spending time there and the reac-tions were, to say the least, shock-ing.

“I love to sit under the stairs as much as possible because it pre-pares me for the day ahead, which is usually cold and cloudy.”

“All my friends and I started pack-ing our own lunches everyday so we can get to the 100-hall the fastest and claim the best spot.”

“I love that hallway so much I went to the office and demanded a locker transfer down there ASAP.”

“The abandoned video lab has be-come our clubhouse. No one goes there; Rob doesn’t check it. We have a stash of junkfood in there that would never make it into the vending machines.”

“I just hang out down there be-cause of the music they play out of the photography room.”

“Its just ‘cause Mark yells at us when we cluster up in the 200 hall-way.”

The Leek 9

Leek Threatened by ETF for Producing Too Much Trash

School Improvement Team Found Improving School

Yesterday, The Leek received a shocking note from the Earth Task Force (ETF), demanding an end to the class. There was no reason given in the note, but inside sources suggest it was due to the immense amount of trash The Leek puts out with every issue. The note also de-tailed a plan to seize of The Leek’s website if ETF’s demands were not met.

“Not only does every issue re-quire tons of paper,” said a source

within the ETF “but the writing is trash—simply trash. It clouds our environment and tears at the mean-ing of ‘satire’.” The student said he had no involvement in the note, but theorized that the ETF had simply reached the end of their organic, hemp rope. “They mean business.” A threatening edge entered his tone. “The ETF will stop at nothing to end this disgrace of a publication.”

This journalist is beginning to sus-pect a group-wide conspiracy. No

one in The Leek class was available for comment, but Pfouts, “Blah, blah, blah. They win a couple of awards and all the sudden they think they can start bullying people—that somehow their agenda supercedes the First Amendment. Not happen-ing. In fact, I’m going to require The Leek staff to go around class-rooms and plug in some vampires. Hippies aren’t the only ones who know how to protest.”

Members of the School Improve-ment team were discovered last night implementing ways to im-prove CSAP scores at New Vista, a move that many students and staff at New Vista found highly disturbing. “Its an incredible overstep of their mandate,” said Marco de Martino, a school-organization analyst and a staff member at New Vista, “Gener-ally, SIT meetings are simply a fo-rum for parents to express their dis-like of the school, but I haven’t ever seen a School Improvement Team improve the school since I started working here.”

Ivette, the administrative leader of the Improvement Team, said in

an interview that the team had be-gan the year without any school-improvement-related goals, and in fact, had been initially conceived as an excuse to eat food. “To start with, we encouraged students to show up, but then they started eat-ing all of the food, so we stopped announcing the meetings.” Despite the resistance to constructive work, Ivette said that, “After each meet-ing, the school would be somehow better then when we started.”

An anonymous source inside the School Improvement Team said that he had seen some of the par-ents covertly attempting to improve the school during the meetings, al-

though he refused to give names, and most members of the adminis-tration said that they were unaware that any school improvement was occurring. However, after investi-gating the meeting records, admin-istrators found twenty-three school-improvement-related agenda items, ranging from required freshman classes to the inclusion of more workshops. “If we had known that the school was being improved, we would have put a stop to it at once,” said Principal Quitter in a statement yesterday. He promised that, “all of the [School Improvement] Team members involved in this infraction will be punished.”

YOU ARE PARKED LEGALLYSo we’re probably not going to tow your car

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The Leek10

Overheard

I Leeked All Over It

Crossword

1. Fifteen minutes could ...

2. Kirk’s little brother3. The third clue across4. Literal etceteras5. The only meerkat in

the world6. Underthrown7. The bird threw clown8. HURRRRRRR9. I don’t know anymore

10. The thingamabobula-tor

11. Midas Well produces _______

12. Omega is what13. What do you call an

angry Joe?14. The jelly bean dis-

penser went here.

1. Fruit of the DOOM2. What not to fret about3. The third clue down4. A knife in my

_______5. Why for fifty-three

years he’s put up with it now!

6. That soul patch7. The blue curd town8. Overdog9. The blurred throw-

down10. What now, brown

cow?11. The Answer12. Enumerated cookies13. Define well-adjusted14. If life gives you lem-

ons...

Down Across

“Alright everyone, what should our ‘Over-heard’ qoute be?” -- Pfouts

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