Learning to Love

LEARNI NGTOLOVEL O R R AI N E R O S E

It may be one of the most natural processes, but becoming a parentcan be as daunting as it is rewarding. Having a baby changes

everything, and the biggest area of change for new parents is also oneof the least explored: how do you relate to this new person in your life?

Learning to Love explores the evolving relationship between mother,father and baby.

Focusing on the first year of life, it looks at the emotional dimensionof becoming a parent, and offers an understanding of the baby’s emotional needs.

Also examined are: • key mental and emotional milestones in the first 12 months;• parent’s changing relationship with each other as well as their baby;• growth of both the traditional and non-traditional family unit; and• case studies of common parenting dilemmas.

Based on infant observation, psychodynamic theory and personalexperience, Learning to Love is an informative, warm and engagingbook for the prospective and new parent.

Lorraine Rose is a psychologist and analytical psychotherapist with 25 yearsexperience. She has worked extensively with mothers, fathers and babies,and is the founding member of the Parent-Infant Foundation. She lives inSydney with her partner and has an adult daughter.

‘This book helps you find your own way of dealing with your baby rather than telling you what to do. It made me more aware of the

bonding process that takes place between you and the baby.’Alison Hunter, mother of Finn, five months

‘Learning to Love is an exceptionally helpful, insightful look at the first year of a baby’s life. Illuminating … ’

Anne Manne, journalist and mother

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ELORRAINE

ROSE

FA LEARNING TO LOVE 11/10/04 10:47 AM

LEARN I NGTOLOVE

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LEARN I NGTOLOVEL O R R A I N E R O S E

The developing relat ionshipsbetween mother, father and baby

during the f ir s t year

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First published 2000

by The Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd

347 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria, 3124

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Copyright © 2000 Lorraine Rose

All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the

Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments,

no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,

mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without

the written permission of the publishers.

Edited by Adrienne de Kretser

Cover and text design by Scooter Design

Typeset in 12/18 Granjon by Scooter Design

Printed by Shannon Books Pty Ltd

National Library of Australia

Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

Rose, Lorraine, 1944- .

Learning to love : the developing relationships between

mother, father and baby during the first year.

ISBN 0 86431 365 9.

1. Parenting - Australia. 2. Child rearing - Australia. 3.

Infants - Development. I. Title.

649.12205

LEARNING final pages FINAL 11/10/04 10:52 AM Page iv

c o n t e n t s

Preface

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Before the Birth

The Birth

The First Six Weeks

Six to Twelve Weeks

Three to Six Months

Six to Nine Months

Nine to Twelve Months

The Continuing Story

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p r e f a c e

This book is for women and men who are at the point in

their lives and their partnerships of thinking about having

a baby. I would like to help them on the wonderful

rollercoaster ride of being a parent with all its joys,

exhilarations, sadness, frustrations and just plain hard

work. It is very worthwhile, and there are enormous

rewards for taking the ride.

Learning to Love seemed to emerge from the years of

time and effort that I put into trying to understand the early

developmental stages that we all go through. I have read

extensively about infant development and spent years

observing infants from birth, watching the development of

the relationship between mother and baby and the growing

relationship with the father. I have practised as a

psychologist for twenty-five years, and since the mid 1980s

have worked intensively with a number of people whose

early bonding process was disturbed. This area is something

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I have explored deeply, and although my knowledge and

experience remain imperfect I would like to share the main

features of my learning.

I also wrote this book because I would have liked it to

exist before I had my own child, so I could have read and

understood its concepts. It is my belief that if I had known

then much of what I do now I would have been a better

mother myself, and hence would have had a richer

experience in rearing my child. I wasn’t a bad parent, but

child-rearing could have been a more meaningful and

enjoyable experience for both me and my daughter. So

Learning to Love is also a book for my daughter, in the hope

that she may discover the fullness of the experience of

parenthood in a way that was not always possible for me.

LEARNING final pages FINAL 11/10/04 10:52 AM Page viii

a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t s

I would like to thank many people for their contributions to

this book. All those engaged in the theoretical and research

areas of early development deserve recognition. Dr Averil

Earnshaw introduced me to the fascinating world of the

baby, for which I am very grateful. Norma Tracey and

Beulah Warren gave me invaluable feedback which

enriched the text. Kristen Daglish and Janice Di Giusto

assisted enormously with the editing process and helped to

get it done! Kylie McKellor, a young mother herself,

contributed greatly with her illustrations, scanned by Tully

Rosen. Finally, my Parent–Infant study group helped me

believe the project was worthwhile.

Thank you, all of you.

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i n t r o d u c t i o n

This book is about a process that takes place between a

mother, a father and a young baby. It attempts to

understand how relationships grow, and discusses what

happens in our earliest months when as new human beings

we attempt to come to grips with the world around us. It is

also about how we come to form attachments or turn away

from them, are disappointed or curious, and why this is so.

What has determined our choice? The early time in our

lives is important because it is then that our core

relationships are developed, and they influence the types of

relationship we will have in the future. We in turn pass on

these ways of relating to our children.

While the establishment of these relationships is often a

natural and unconscious process, I would like to try to make

sense of what occurs between mother, father and baby,

aiming for a greater understanding of what is involved.

The triangle exists even if there is only one parent bringing

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up the family, or if parents of the same sex are raising a

child. Same-sex parents grapple with the same

developmental tasks involved in rearing a child as do

parents of different sexes. The couple is the context into

which any child is born, since without that original pairing,

even if it is by test tube, no conception or birth can take

place. The birth of a little person requires certain things

that make this possible. The couple, whoever they are, also

need supports, be they parents, friends or relations.

Attempting to talk about these things is not an easy task,

as it involves matters that are normally not discussed. It will

require us to be emotionally involved in a way that can be

difficult to bear, as it brings up our past experiences.

Writing this book meant that I revisited treasured and

painful times from my own childhood and from when I

raised my child. Also, by giving a voice to the baby we can

sometimes begin to look differently at our own earlier

experiences. This can be helpful, but also difficult at times.

The book just touches the surface of our understanding

of how we learn to love. Much more could be said, and there

is much more to be said. I can only offer an introduction to

thinking about what is taking place in the emotional

development of the family, and the individual members of

that family. What I have to say is necessarily incomplete, but

hopefully will stimulate the thoughts and feelings which lie

L e a r n i n g t o l o v e

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at the heart of the journey into parenthood.

A birth is a wonderful opportunity, and being part of the

development of a new human being is an enormous

responsibility as well as an enriching journey. It is an

opportunity to revisit our childhood, with all its pleasure

and pain, and have the pleasure of being part of our child’s

development, which can be a source of very deep joy. It is a

time of reworking our own early experiences. It also offers

the possibility of discovering the world in a different way,

through the eyes of our child. Parenting offers the

opportunity to work through our own experiences, helpful

and unhelpful, and to make a fuller transition into our adult

selves. Being a parent means participating in a maturing

process.

Having a baby is a lot of hard work, both emotionally

and physically, but it would be a great loss for all concerned

if the baby became just another acquisition, another

commodity or a thing, rather than a little personality in

need of care and responsibility. As human beings we have a

deep need for intimacy and closeness – without them we

suffer a sense of estrangement from ourselves and others.

Having a baby is an opportunity for us as mothers and

fathers to gradually find the intimacy of a connection with

our baby, and is therefore a highly rewarding and mutually

nurturing experience.

I n t r o d u c t i o n

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In attempting to clarify the learning tasks of the baby

and parents in the early years, and exploring how we learn

to love, we need to be open to aspects of ourselves that may

not get opened up in normal day-to-day life. These

elements have probably not been awakened to the same

extent until we have a baby. It is important to try to discuss

an issue that forms the basis of our lives as human beings—

learning to love. This means living with all the joy,

happiness, sadness, loss and richness that accompanies this

human capacity. Without the capacity to love we are only

empty shadows of who we can be. We are placed outside life

and cannot participate in the drama of living; without the

capacity to love we live without colour, variation and

vitality.

The process involved is the journey of empathy – the

‘being with’ someone else and understanding what it is to be

like them, not reacting to or acting upon but putting

ourselves in their shoes. It involves listening with our

hearts. Empathy is the means by which our humanity is

born. This is a very simple truth, but it is also complex.

Perhaps the best way to understand it is through an

example.

When she was a teenager my daughter was asked to take

care of a two-year-old and four-month-old baby for a week,

while their parents went on a holiday. Although my


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daughter knew the children well and was attached to them,

and they to her, I was not sure that the arrangement was a

good idea. However, she accepted the job. On the third

night, at about 2 a.m. I received a distressed phone call from

my daughter. Through her tears she said, ‘Please come, I

need your help’. It was obvious that she was holding the

baby, who was very upset.

When I arrived I found my daughter and the baby both

in tears, my daughter saying, ‘I can’t stand it any more.

Why is he doing this to me?’ Because she was sleep-

deprived, I told her to go to bed. I took the baby and began

walking around with him, trying to feel the meaning of his

pitiful cries. I then attempted to arrive at a deeper level of

understanding about what was happening. It became clear

that my daughter had received his communication ‘I can’t

stand it. Why is this happening to me?’ This was a direct

communication from the baby about how he was feeling,

but a further step needed to be taken.

Instead of just reacting, as I sometimes did as a mother,

a more responsive approach was to stay with the

communication long enough to find the meaning: the

further step was to realise that the baby was telling me in

the only way he could how he felt about the situation. He

was missing his mother (his main carer) and father, and

feeling the unbearable and painful incredulity of asking


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why and how they could do such a terrible thing as leaving

him. Why was this happening? The process of empathy

involves receiving the communication, feeling it,

experiencing it, thinking about it and finding some words

to make sense of it. Although I did not always do this for

my own child I did it for him – I know it is easier said than

done. As I walked the baby up and down I did try to find

words: ‘You poor little boy’, ‘You’re sad that mum has gone

away’, ‘You don’t know where she is or why she has gone,

poor Matthew’. As his crying began to abate I said that it

was going to be all right, that we would ring them in the

morning and let them know how upset he was.

The sad epilogue for this deeply attached four-month-

old boy was that his mother’s first comment was, ‘Why is he

so upset? He doesn’t really know who I am’. We don’t

always know how valuable and important we are.

However, Matthew’s parents did come home the next day

and he was reunited with them.

What do any of us need in order to become a personality

in our own right? What we all require, particularly in our

earliest years, are time, attention and reflective thought

about who we are. Unless someone attends to our likes,

dislikes and idiosyncrasies, and talks to us about who we

are, we will never find ourselves. Someone needs to be ‘in

tune’ with what is happening in our lives, and our needs


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and desires. This does not mean that all our wishes will be

fulfilled, but just having someone think about what is going

on for us is important. ‘Maternal reverie’ is the term most

often used to describe this process. It simply means someone

needs to be taking notice. This involves a certain amount of

routine and repetition, and much hard work, but it is what

begins to weave a web of safety and reliability that provides

the mental and emotional skin into which we can be born as

a personality.

Note: the plural ‘them’ and ‘their’ has been used when

speaking of the baby. While grammatically incorrect, it is an

attempt to be inclusive of both genders. I hope this is not too

disconcerting to the reader.


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b e f o r e t h e b i r t h

The conception of a baby epitomises the paradox of life.

This creative act contains great joy and satisfaction

with the opportunity for a new start and a new life, but it

also involves the responsibility of facing up to many

psychological tasks. The double-edged nature of the

experience means that the opportunity for renewal is

intertwined with the pain and difficulty involved in that

renewal.

If we are going to create new life it will, paradoxically,

present us with its counterpart – death. As parents we are

faced almost immediately with questions: ‘How viable is

this foetus?’ ‘Will it live to full term?’ Mothers also face the

question of how they will survive the pregnancy and birth.

We face our mortality in a way that has not been confronted

before – the foetus puts us in touch with that question.

Suddenly life cannot be taken for granted in the way it

might have been before.

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Pa s t L o s s e s R e t u r n

This confrontation with life and death issues, with loss, also

puts us in touch with past losses which we have not worked

through. Such past losses re-emerged for me when I became

a parent. As a young teenager I had been deeply involved

with bringing up my younger brother, as my mother had

been very ill at the time of his birth. I played more of a

maternal than a sisterly role in the early period of his life

and a deep mutual bond had developed. When my mother

recovered I had to step back from the maternal role.

Looking back, I can see that I had not adequately dealt with

my grief and loss.

When my daughter was born, many years later, she

naturally had a very different personality from that of my

brother. However, I felt deep longings to return to that earlier

B e f o r e t h e b i r t h

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relationship, and this initially impeded my bonding with

the baby I had just given birth to. A similar experience had

occurred to my mother.

I had never been able to understand my mother’s lack of

robustness, her frequent retreating to bed when we were

young. She would manage for a while, then life would

become too much for her and she couldn’t cope. There was

a feeling that someone should take over responsibility for

her life. Her fragility became more understandable when I

learnt that there had been a miscarriage prior to my

mother’s birth. As a result of losing that first child my

grandparents, particularly my grandfather, had been

inclined to wrap my mother in cotton wool. They

frequently said that she should be looked after, and should

never have to work.

My mother always reminded me of a beautiful china doll

that could easily shatter. Although small in stature and

appearing fragile my mother had many capabilities, all of

which remained untapped because of the notion of frailty

imposed on her because of the earlier death. The view that

she was not robust was related more to the previous loss

than to herself. It pervaded her life, and she lived in the

context of a social environment that supported such

restrictions.

Completing the grieving for previous losses allows us to


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face the reality of the present birth of a new personality,

without the clouds of the past intruding. It makes space for

the new little person entering our lives, the one we don’t yet

know but are looking forward to meeting. We can begin to

imagine what they are like and about what changes they

will bring. This is an important part of a couple making the

transition from being a couple to being a family.

A startling example was a very gifted young woman

who came to see me for therapy. When we were together I

frequently sensed a dead baby in the room with us. Finally

I asked her to check whether there had been a lost twin or

a miscarriage before her birth. Her mother said that there

hadn’t been. However, my feeling persisted and after

questioning her mother for the third time the young

woman was told of the loss of a first-born son. This was a

great tragedy in a wealthy land-owning family, where a son

was traditionally considered the prized one who would take

over the dynasty from the father. Together we were able to

see that she had two personalities: she was her father’s right-

hand ‘man’, in terms of the property; and she was also a

completely different person, a soft and gentle artist

interested in sculpture.

R E A L I T Y I N T R U D E S

Allied to facing life and death anxieties is the fact that we


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come face to face with our own humanity, and begin to

understand realities. We have engaged in a wonderfully

creative act and created a new life, but very soon the mother

often gets morning sickness. Pregnancy has a way of

making itself felt. The hormonal imbalance usually means

that the mother feels both more placid and more tired.

Nature is attempting to get her to stop and take time, not

only in a physical way but also mentally and

psychologically. Some women do feel energised, but their

energy is often focussed on preparing for the baby.

Both parents need time to face the massive changes that

are taking place in their lives and in her body. Some women

can feel invaded by pregnancy: ‘Who is this intruder, this

alien who makes its presence so keenly felt?’ Reality cannot

be ignored and, together with facing our mortality, we

begin to understand the fact that we cannot be all things at

the one time, that choices are going to have to be made.

Busy lives can be rethought at this time to allow for the

new baby. A preoccupation with our baby-to-be is natural,

and we may have to reconsider what is possible and

impossible. Taking the time to enjoy this period is

important, but we must create that time. Unless we fully

acknowledge and enter into the experience of pregnancy we

risk missing out on the experience. Pregnancy can be a

meaningless and tedious exercise, or an important and


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valuable journey and accomplishment. The choice is ours.

Fat h e r ’ s Tr a n s i t i o n

The father-to-be also has a transition to make. Although a

vital participant in the process of conception, he can feel left

out of the process of pregnancy, the growing child and

his/her strong biological link to the mother. The mother’s

role is more obvious and it may be difficult for the father to

see the importance and value of his function and role. Yet

his roles as a support for the mother, and father of the baby,

are essential to the baby’s well-being.

One young man became very interested in his garden,

growing flowers and vegetables during his wife’s

pregnancy. Whenever we visited him and discussed the

coming birth he was keen for us to go outside and look at


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his accomplishments. This seemed to be his way of

expressing a feeling that he could grow things as well,

perhaps a tangible way in which he could show that he also

had nurturing capacities. The mother-to-be often receives a

great deal of attention as she becomes increasingly involved

with the child inside her. It is easy for the male partner to

feel unimportant, left out of the growing intimacy between

mother and child.

We must all be sensitive to this and reinforce the

importance of the father’s role as a support to his wife, and

the need of his child to have a father not just biologically but

psychologically. The baby needs two different parents, a

mother and a father – not two competing mothers or two

competing fathers – if they are to be adequately supported

in their development.

P r e c o n c e p t i o n s a b o u t t h e B a b y

During pregnancy we naturally wonder about the new

baby, what they will be like and how we will be as parents.

This is all part of preparing for the baby, as we experience

the joy of anticipating the birth. However, sometimes we

can develop such strong preconceptions about the baby that

we fail to allow for the new individual. We shape the baby

we want rather than allowing for the fact that the baby will

have their own personality.


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An example of a relationship where the child had no

meaning of his own was one involving an older man who

had enormous anxieties about having missed out on life. He

was unable to maintain relationships, had never married

and had no children. He was very unhappy with his life

and, although he had been outwardly successful and earned

a great deal of money, he felt lonely and in a vacuum. He

was the son of an upper-class European woman who had

married a public servant and felt aggrieved about having

‘lowered’ herself in class. When her son was conceived, she


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saw him as an opportunity for financial success: the family

would have money and somehow he would reinstate her

into her proper position in life. This was the path this young

man took. He followed his mother’s prescriptions, but felt

that he wasn’t living his own life. As he had become so

completely his mother’s idea of himself, he had little or no

concept of who he was.

A young priest was similarly treated. He was destined

from birth to be his mother’s ‘production’, who would be

given to God and would remain the mother’s favoured

child. He was to be the special, anointed one who was above

life and its vicissitudes. However, this left him remote,

removed from any ability to engage in ordinary human

living, unable to involve himself in any kind of emotional

dialogue. The mother had never ‘been with’ (empathised

with) her little boy to help him discover his emotional and

mental life and his wishes and desires about how to live his

life. She considered him only an extension of her own

wishes and desires and failed to take ‘him’ into account.

E n g a g i n g a n d L e t t i n g G o

Conception, pregnancy, birth and parenthood are all

strongly related to loss. We have a baby, a gift of life given

to us, but paradoxically it is also taken away. Each month of

the pregnancy is part of a developmental process that leads


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to birth and letting go. Right from the beginning each step

of the baby’s growth contains the seed of its growing up and

moving away from us. As parents we have to live with the

dilemma – how do we have and hold, engage and enter into

the relationship that will lead to a goodbye?

This difficulty is heightened if we plan that the baby

will, soon after birth, be left in long day-care: ‘Why get

involved when we will have to say goodbye very soon?’ If a

mother is aware of impending separation she may hold

back emotionally from her very young baby who is

forming, desiring and needing deep involvement with the

mother: ‘Why start when I won’t be following through? It’s

better not to get involved from the beginning than

experience the pain and the loss’. This is a sad state of affairs

for both sides of the relationship, because they are missing

out on something special.

On the other hand, a mother may get involved but

decide from the start not to let go. A friend working in the

area of disabilities, dealing with older parents who have

children of limited capacities born when the mother’s role

was defined by her motherhood, often hears the phrase ‘this

one was for me.’ In this scenario the child with the disability

becomes the compensatory one who will not have to be

relinquished, and is often held back from their real level of

ability and capacity.


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If we don’t face the reality of loss or take up the

challenge of involvement and its inherent risks, we miss

out. Being involved will challenge us, and will require a

level of maturity we haven’t acquired before. We need to

think of the developing baby as someone we are prepared to

make sacrifices for. We, and hopefully our support systems,

will discover an altruism that can put the baby’s needs,

when necessary, in front of our own.

G o i n g b e y o n d O u r s e lv e s

To truly enter the family the baby must be allowed to be

their own person who will be taken into account. This does

not mean that they take over, nor dominate our needs, but

instead become a part of the family triangle. Somehow the

needs of all three – father, mother and baby – must be

accommodated. The task is not easy and remains an

ongoing one. Alongside our renunciation of self lies the

possibility of experiencing true love, a love that is capable of

putting aside our needs for those of another when

appropriate. This does not mean martyrdom, but another

person’s need temporarily overriding our own. By

extending the boundaries of who we are and committing

ourselves to a ‘good’ beyond ourselves, our lives are

paradoxically enhanced. We experience the joy of loving

and being loved.


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Having a baby confronts us with the fact that we must

partner life, that we cannot make it happen our way, that

we are unable to control everything that happens to us. Our

bodies will respond to pregnancy in their individual ways,

we will find different aspects of the pregnancy difficult and

we will only be able to ‘go with’ what happens. We have

often worked for a number of years before becoming

pregnant, and established a clear sense of identity based on

that work. Having a baby calls on a very different capacity

in ourselves. Now we have to ‘go with’ what is occurring,

rather than directing or controlling it. This can be very

disconcerting, but it is the means by which we grow into

our new role and enhance our sense of self.

O u r I d e n t i t y i s C h a l l e n g e d

The sheer reality of the pregnancy brings psychological

changes and the intrusion of thoughts and feelings about

the past. What was it like for us when we were young?

How did our parents parent? What kind of parents do we

want to be? What do we value from our own parenting?

What do we want to do differently? Our identity is

challenged: we are no longer only who we thought we were.

We are more than that: we are who we were, but we are also

parents in the making. The loss of our old identity must

shake up the territory known as ourselves, especially – but


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not only – for the mother. It is also true for the father. This

must create confusion and questioning, and bring up some

anxieties: ‘Can I do this?’ ‘Who am I now?’

This process creates the possibility of discovering new

and valuable aspects of ourselves. We can begin to discover

parts of ourselves that haven’t previously emerged but begin

to offer a fuller picture of who we are. Naturally we may

have some resistance to this change, and revert more

strongly to our former roles. The painfulness of a period of


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unsureness and insecurity before we grow into our newly

expanded role isn’t easy to bear. However, missing this

phase of development means that it is much easier to also

miss out on life’s next offer of personal development.

Joining life and accepting its developmental challenges

involves the possibility of life offering more than we could

imagine. If we can let go into the experience, we join in the

adventure of life.

A m b i va l e n t Fe e l i n g s

Part of this process involves working through our

ambivalent feelings toward the growing baby, and the

relationship into which they have been conceived. Even the

most wanted baby is also not wanted, for all sorts of reasons.

Both partners will at some time ask, ‘What have I done?’

Anxieties about our ability to cope are bound to surface; the

necessary changes to our life are going to be resented. These

feelings are a normal part of the whole experience and can

be felt at the same time as pleasurable anticipation.

Old ambivalences towards our parents will arise, and the

baby will reactivate the mixed feelings about our own birth.

Experiencing ambivalent feelings puts us in touch with the

baby who was wanted and looked forward to, but also the

baby who was worried about and created anxieties and

uncertainties – who was both wanted and unwanted. It can


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be a painful blow to realise we were not simply the apple of

our parents’ eye, that our birth brought negativity as well as

hope. Perhaps for the first time we may begin to realise that

becoming a parent is not easy. This may mark the beginning

of understanding our parents’ thinking when they had us.

The purpose of discovering our ambivalence is not to rid

ourselves of it, but simply to become aware of it. Just like

the baby will feel later when facing the reality of life, we

will maintain two contradictory feelings that operate side

by side and have opposite intentions, but can nevertheless

co-exist. Holding deeply warm and loving feelings toward

the developing child and being fiercely attached to their

well-being does not preclude feelings of resentment or

wishing to turn the clock back: ‘I don’t want to go through

with this’, ‘I hate being pregnant’.

Both aspects have a place in the human dimension of

birth and pregnancy. In fact, denying the negative feelings

can be far more harmful – the reality of the situation is that

our feelings and thoughts will swing from deeply loving

feelings into deep anxieties, fears and resentments. To allow

ourselves the privilege of exploring these diverse and

contradictory states we need time to come to grips with

them and mull them over.


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Ti m e a n d Wa i t i n g

During pregnancy we are face to face with the realities of

time and waiting. The realities of a nine-month pregnancy

show us there is nothing we can do to hurry the

physiological development of the foetus. Likewise with

psychological development. No matter how talented or

precocious we are in any area, our emotional and

psychological growth follows its own laws of maturation

and cannot be hurried. Working through the necessary

psychological tasks takes time, and there is no way of

avoiding this. Our current ‘hurry-up’ culture does not

support the notion of taking time to live through an

experience from the inside rather than riding roughshod

over it.


23


Giving ourselves time for a review in which we uncover

our feelings, wishes and desires that surround our baby

decreases the amount of shock we will experience when the

birth comes. We take time to explore any new endeavour –

if we buy a new house we take time to look over and

compare a number before settling on one. With a new job

we allow time to orient ourselves and settle in. We should

also allow the mental and emotional time required to settle

into our new home of being a parent.

Former family patterns and unresolved conflicts will be

reactivated and require our attention. We can sort out old

patterns of relating with our families of origin. For

example, I had looked forward to the time when I would be

pregnant, but when it actually happened I was unprepared.

I attended university as a mature-age student, and

anticipated completing my studies before having a child.

My father died during my second year of study, and I

subsequently felt unwell. I was taking the contraceptive pill,

so attributed my nausea to my emotions about my father’s

death. When I finally consulted a doctor and my pregnancy

was confirmed I burst into tears. My expected ‘big moment

of joy’ didn’t happen – I could only cry. ‘Not now, I’m not

ready’, was my reaction.

For the next few days I burst into tears very easily and

retreated into myself. Given my upbringing, I felt doubts.


24


Would I be a good mother? My partner was completely

bewildered by my reaction. About five days later I got over

my initial feelings and, particularly after my morning

sickness eased, moved into a much more positive frame of

mind. There were deeply satisfying aspects of the

pregnancy. The calmness and containment that I felt were

deeply pleasurable and I continued my part-time

employment until I was six months into the pregnancy.

R e v i s i t i n g t h e Pa s t

All of us will revisit something of our past. That we have a

past is not a problem; that the past revisits us is to be

expected. What we can do is think about it rather than just

repeat patterns – think it through and make our own

choices rather than just bring the past into the new

generation. A mother whose mother was abandoned in

pregnancy may worry that she also may be abandoned. A

father whose father was unfaithful during the pregnancy

may also experience the desire for ‘freedom’ and wish to

run away from responsibility. Being aware of such feelings

enables us to reflect on them rather than simply accept or

enact them.

Joys can also be reactivated. Mother and daughter can

revive or reinvigorate their relationship as they begin to

share what it is like to become a mother. Father and son can


25


find a renewed sense of connection as their understanding

of each other expands. For all family members, a

connection can be enhanced by the fact of their shared

experience. In this process both sides have to allow a little

more space for the other. The mother needs to allow for and

accept her daughter’s new role, and the daughter to deepen

her appreciation of what her mother has accomplished, as

she faces the hugeness of the task in front of her. Obviously,

these transitions may not always go well and sometimes

cannot be negotiated.

Parents – the future grandparents – can feel great pride

and joy in seeing their children take over their role. They

can also be envious of and compete with their children’s

increasing abilities, which point out their own failing

powers. Mostly these feelings are resolved positively, but

often both aspects are felt to some degree. Mixed feelings

surround the birth of a baby. In some Asian cultures

mothers speak very negatively about their newborn: ‘Oh,

she is so ugly’, ‘What a terrible baby’, ‘No one will want this

one’, ‘What a disappointment’, ‘The gods must not be

pleased with us’. This is a means of frightening off the evil

and jealous spirits who may wish to take the baby away.

These spirits represent the part of us that cannot bear

others to have any happiness that perhaps we were unable

to have, and that therefore wish to spoil and destroy it – this


26


is openly acknowledged in such cultures. Mixed feelings

always exist, to a greater or lesser degree, when a baby is

announced and it is more helpful to acknowledge their

presence than to be unknowingly and unwittingly affected

by them.

Th e Fo e t u s

What of the foetus throughout this time? There is already

a growing relationship between the unborn baby and their

mother and father. The foetus’ intimate connection with

the mother’s physiological and psychological life means that

a feeling world surrounds the two of them. Perhaps the

foetus feels the mother’s ambivalence and shares her

excitement about the future, together with her anxiety.

What we do know is that the inner ear of the foetus is

completely developed by mid-pregnancy, and the foetus

responds to a wide variety of sounds. It seems reasonable to

assume that within the womb the foetus begins to attach to

the voice of their mother. We also know that the foetus is

surrounded by constant loud noises – the rhythmic sound of

the uterine blood supply punctuated by the noises of air

passing through the mother’s intestine. Loud noises outside

the womb reach the foetus who reacts to them. It has also

been shown that the foetus’ level of activity increases when

the mother is under emotional stress. If the stress is


27


prolonged there is a corresponding increase (up to ten times

the normal level) in foetal movement. With so much

happening physically, we can wonder about corresponding

mental and emotional states.

Conclusion

The pregnancy is a time of looking forward to and

preparing for the birth of a baby. It can be a time of very

positive sharing, if circumstances allow this. Being pregnant

can be a wonderful, mellow state where we become

preoccupied with our personal lives and gradually

withdraw from engagement in the outside world. The

wondering, thinking and preparing are all part of the

process of moving towards being a parent.

At the same time pregnancy brings a range of feelings

and challenges. Creating a life confronts us with the

possibility of loss of life. Although intensifying our

experiences and offering new and pleasurable ones, this

knowledge also brings anxieties. We remember past losses

in relationships as we accept that although we have created

a life we cannot possess it; we have been given a life to

nurture and develop, yet each step in that process involves

letting go.

Our sense of what is possible is challenged as we begin to

live within the limitations of pregnancy. If we are to face


28


reality, we cannot have it all. In fact our lives must change

and this wonderful event must have an impact on us. We

will need to partner life, to work with it rather than control

it, and to learn how to live with and accept time and wait

through the pregnancy in nature’s time.

This waiting time can be valuable in that it allows us to

confront old patterns that may be reactivated. Family

patterns from the past may re-emerge and may need to be

rethought. We should use the time to ask ourselves, ‘Is this

a pattern of relating, a way of behaving that I want to take

with me into the next generation, or is it something that I

would like to do differently?’ The joys and the

responsibilities have begun, as has our relationship with our

unborn child.


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t h e b i r t h

This is a very special moment for mother, father and

baby – one that is full of joy and accomplishment.

However, the wonder is accompanied by feelings of shell-

shock and dislocation, since everything is so new. Here are

some thoughts and feelings from one mother just after the

birth of her baby:

I think about being a mother – I don’t actually feel like a

mother. I think it’s still very weird; it’s coming to the

reality of it all. I felt very happy … it’s a joy to have the

baby around and you see little things about him – it just

makes you feel so happy, and so happy to be part of that.

To think that you’re responsible for this little life, it’s really

incredible, it’s just a little miracle. And I’m definitely glad

we’ve had him…I think we will be very happy.

Another mother expressed the changes to herself and to

her life differently:

I get teary – it seems to be like every second day when I’m

30


just a bit teary and everything … it is so sort of new to me

… I’m not usually a teary person at all. And I was

thinking, ooh what is it, and you know, it is because I’m

not coping, and I’m thinking I’m doing all the right

things; it was just a completely new experience – the whole

thing – and you start thinking, I’m attached to this thing

forever!

O u r Fi r s t M e e t i n g

The birth is the moment of our first meeting with the new

baby and their first meeting with us. The rooting reflex

(when the baby seeks the nipple) is the physical

manifestation of this psychological fact. The baby has a

built-in reflex to meet their immediate partner, the mother,

and to suck; to work together in the task of survival and

development.

The support for this new couple is provided by the

father, who will protect and nurture the pair and gradually

assist them to join him in creating a family. He is an

intimate and necessary part of the process. The father’s

main role at this time is to help the mother and his baby link

together well and to protect them from disturbances that

could shatter the tentative bonds being established. This is a

very generous act, as the father is asked to step back and

help his newborn occupy a special and intimate place with

T h e b i r t h

31


his partner and support them becoming close to each other.

When I look back on the birth of my own child I can see

that circumstances did not, at that time, help my baby and

me come together in this way. I had read about and

practised the breathing exercises, taken note of the various

stages of labour, and anticipated that my husband would be

with me throughout the labour. Life being what it is,

however, nothing went quite as expected.

On my last visit to my obstetrician before the birth, he said

that he was going on holidays and because I was so close to

term he would put me in hospital the following Tuesday and

induce the baby. I was taken aback and asked some questions

about induction, but was made to feel that I was worrying

unnecessarily. He had already made plans and in his view I

was adequately provided for. Having seen him throughout


32


my pregnancy it was hard to envisage finding another

obstetrician at that very late date, and I reluctantly agreed.

Once in the hospital I found I was not alone. My doctor

had four other patients all lined up for inductions. Not

having prepared for this contingency I began to feel a little

out of control of the birth, especially when I seemed to

rapidly move into an advanced stage of labour without

building up to it gradually. I had difficulty controlling my

breathing and, perhaps because of the difficulties, my

husband decided to leave temporarily. I felt panicky and in

deep pain, and was gasping for breath.

The nurses were extremely busy and I felt alone and

frightened. Many hours later I was taken to the delivery

room and almost immediately a pethidine mask was put on

my face. I had previously decided that I didn’t want drugs

but the sister insisted it would help. Just as my baby was

about to be born the obstetrician arrived and my husband

returned. They were introduced and began chatting

amiably to each other. With a lot of pushing and an

epidural, my daughter was born. She was shown to her

father then whisked away. I asked where she had gone, and

I think the nurse said she had gone to the next floor to be

weighed. I felt bereft: I hadn’t even had a chance to cuddle

my baby or nurse her, and now she was gone! Fortunately,

most hospitals do not behave this way today, but sometimes

T h e b i r t h

33


it is still difficult for staff to remember that the human

element is an important part of medical procedures.

Another painful memory is of a young European mother

who was not treated well by hospital staff because she did

not breastfeed her baby. There are many reasons for

mothers not to breastfeed. Sometimes new mothers need

distance from the intimacy of breastfeeding, allowing them

a safe space from which to gradually enter the mother–baby

relationship. It is up to each mother and baby to find their

way of being comfortable with each other. Bottlefed babies

can be well-loved and well-connected if they are held and

nursed and can gaze at their mother.

O u r Fi r s t S e p a r at i o n

With birth, a huge milestone is passed. It is the first major

separation that mother and baby have to face, and the first

separation that needs to be worked through. Towards the

end of pregnancy the mother feels impatient to move on.

Her body is cumbersome and progressively less mobile, and

it is natural to reach a point of wanting to work with the

baby to bring them into the world.

If possible we should help in every way to allow the birth

to happen in a natural way, mother and baby working

together with dad’s support. Circumstances will not always

be what we want but we can try to make the best of them,


34


remembering what is important in the situation and doing

our best to achieve that. Facilitating the bond between

mother and baby should be the central focus of any birth.

Being as drug-free as possible allows the natural euphoria of

childbirth to be experienced, and this can be an important

part of mother and baby getting together.

In terms of emotional development it is the

mother–baby bond, with support from the father who in

turn develops his own intimate relationship with the baby,

that forms the basis for all our subsequent relationships.

This is the means by which we as children develop a sense

of self. The mother–baby world expands when the baby is

introduced to the father by the mother, and to other

siblings. Throughout our life the strength and character of

these relationships will influence how we relate to other

individuals and groups.

Clinical studies, infant research and observational

studies of children from birth have helped us to understand

better what is occurring between the mother and baby. The

understanding is a matter of piecing together what is

happening for both sides, an imaginative exercise of

wondering, ‘tuning in’ and ‘being with’ what is taking

place. What must it be like to be the baby in this situation?

What must it be like to be the mother/father in this

situation?

T h e b i r t h

35


This is the journey of empathy, putting ourselves in

someone else’s shoes. It is also about the making of a human

being with human sensibilities, the ability to care, to

wonder, to feel with and for another. Taking this journey

can also provoke feelings that we have long put aside, and

we may resist letting the journey unfold even as we are

simultaneously willing to take it.

‘ B e i n g w i t h ’ t h e B a b y

For nine months the foetus has grown and developed inside

the mother, inside a sac of fluid that has (under normal

circumstances) remained at a steady temperature. The

experience of hot and cold is alien to the foetus – they are

used to a warm and constant temperature to which they are

perfectly adapted. Around that fluid are the firm walls of

the uterus which provide a safe container within which the

foetus can swim around, change position and stretch. The

uterus provides a safe boundary, preventing a sense of being

lost and a feeling of ‘I don’t know where I am’.

Food intake is also constant. The automatic process of

nutrients being passed to the foetus through the umbilical

cord means hunger is not experienced. The foetus does not

know the difference between full and empty, since the

supply of nutrients is always there. Also, the foetus’ senses

are adapted to a low level of light and noise. As the foetus


36


does not live in a gaseous medium they don’t breathe – their

developing lung capacity comes into use only when they are

born.

In normal circumstances, the birth process begins with

the mutual labour of baby and mother. Having matured,

the foetus feels ready to leave their cocooned and protective

environment and fulfil their potential outside. No doubt the

newborn is pleased with this achievement, but there are

many hazards to face. First, the newborn has to breathe.

This is no mean feat, since all their air passages have to be

cleared. After taking the first breath a kaleidoscope of new

experiences confronts the baby. Nothing now is automatic,

nothing known, nothing predictable – all is different.

Having breathed, the baby may wish to open their eyes,

usually seeing light that is stronger than that to which they

have been accustomed. Sounds are also much louder. For

the first time the baby is going to experience the sensation

of hot and cold air hitting the sense receptors on their skin.

In the face of such sensory experiences the baby may

wonder where their warm and safe place is gone – indeed

they feel lost, without boundaries and without the safe,

containing uterine walls: ‘Where do I begin and where do I

end?’

Losing the enveloping arms of the uterus that provided

constant protection shows the baby their vulnerability and

T h e b i r t h

37


helplessness, hence their need for holding in the parents’

secure arms, firm wrapping and being held in the mind of

the parents. Without support, the baby experiences a sense

of what has been called ‘nameless dread’: ‘Can I make it

now that I am living outside the womb?’, ‘Will I be able to

bear being "out there"?’ In the starkest form of dread the

baby wonders, ‘Will I live or will I die?’ Having

experienced birth, the infant now faces the possibility of

death. No wonder babies cry – and little wonder we are

highly anxious about our offspring in the early months.

In time, reliable responses from the parents can serve to

lessen the baby’s anxieties and help them develop a sense of

trust in the world and their carers, a trust that what they

need will usually be provided. This is not an easy task.

Food, that previously was constantly available, becomes an

‘on/off’ phenomenon. The breast or bottle provides comfort

and relief. Although pleasurable it is also hard work – the

baby doesn’t get anything for nothing any more! At the end

of the feed, when feeling good, the source of comfort goes

away. This coming and going creates worries and anxieties.

It also provides the basis of learning and growth, in the

paradoxical way of the human condition. The baby begins

to wonder, ‘Where has that source of food come from?’

‘Why did it go away?’ ‘Who does it belong to?’ ‘When will

it come back?’


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Newborn babies are unable to feed themselves. Not

being able to gain nourishment independently means they

are totally dependent on the thing/breast/person that comes

and goes. With its arrival there is a sense of security: it is

warm, has arms to hold firmly, provides milk that can fill

the empty stomach. But the baby has to work for it, to suck.

They also have to wait between feeding times.

It is possible that thinking begins to takes place in the

absence of the mother. The baby naturally begins to wonder

about how the world works as they adapt to living outside

the womb. Like us, the baby needs time to understand how

everything operates on the outside. We shouldn’t avoid the

problem by leaving the baby permanently attached to

mother’s breast, but understand and help them to come to

grips with the new and vastly different world.

The baby’s main form of communication at this time is to

let us know what they are feeling. Just as we know when our

partner or friend is feeling good or unhappy, we get to know

the ‘feeling tone’ of the baby. We begin to know whether

they are content or hungry, need holding or are sleepy.

Feelings of bewilderment, distress, frustration, rage, terror

and joy will all be shared as the baby’s way of making their

experiences understood. The mother can feel overwhelmed

at times but that is also part of the communication that the

baby is making – that is how they feel.

T h e b i r t h

39


In this early stage it is important for someone to be in

touch with the baby’s feelings and to identify with them by

wondering about what the baby might be going through.

Someone needs to be preoccupied with and attentive to the

baby’s nuances. This reverie acts as a ‘mental skin’ which

holds the parts of the baby’s personality together and

prevents the very early anxiety of falling apart, or feeling

unheld. With very limited capacity for thought and little

memory, the baby needs time to build up a picture of their

main carer and to then establish a relationship.

If, however, the baby is allowed to be overwhelmed by

inexplicable feelings, too often they will either cut off from

these feelings or remain in a disintegrated or confused state.

If we, as a result of our own experiences, are afraid to


40


confront that level of helplessness in ourselves we may

attack or be unresponsive to the baby because they provoke

our own feelings of vulnerability. The vulnerability of the

baby is both deeply engaging and hard to bear at times.

Babies have individual ways of communicating their

likes and dislikes. We have to observe and take notice, so

that gradually we can determine if our baby likes to be

tightly wrapped or not, or which is the most comfortable

way for them to feed. We have to take the time to find out

what suits our baby.

‘ B e i n g w i t h ’ t h e M o t h e r

Not only the baby has an exciting but difficult journey at

birth. The mother has also been through a trauma and she

will need to talk through her birth experience, in detail, many

times. Her partner and family can help by listening and

taking an interest in reliving the experience with her. Other

mothers in the hospital mostly feel the same, and they should

take the opportunity to exchange experiences. Leaving

hospital within a couple of days can mean that mothers miss

the opportunity to work through the birth experience; talking

it through is a necessary and important thing to do. The birth

experience can preoccupy the mother if it isn’t resolved, and

can get in the way of her ‘meeting’ her new baby.

Because of her heightened sensitivity the mother also

T h e b i r t h

41


needs an unusual degree of protection and support and this

is an important role and function for her partner. A woman

I knew was placed in a two-bed room in the hospital with a

highly agitated drug addict. The drug-addicted mother was

disruptive, which was not only hard on the staff but very

disturbing to the other mother who needed to focus her

attention on herself, her baby and her relationship.

Someone, ideally her partner or, failing that, the hospital

staff, should have recognised her need for protection and

safety at such a vulnerable time. Leaving the new couple

exposed at such an important time is not helpful.

Disruptions should be kept to a minimum. A friend was

told of a relative’s death, just after giving birth. News of this

nature can be given later, when the mother and baby’s grasp

on life is stronger and less tenuous.


42


The mother’s mind and body are very open, vulnerable

and receptive. These are adaptive mechanisms that allow

her to be attuned to her baby and in the state of maternal

preoccupation necessary for the baby’s well-being. Her

heightened sensitivity will help her relate to the baby’s

needs, and the baby needs the mother to intuit what they

may need or want. Both have to make allowances in this

‘getting-to-know-you’ phase. With good support from her

partner the mother can ‘let go’ into her relationship with her

baby and ‘go with’ the rhythm that they establish together.

Likewise, mother and father need time to get to know

each other in a different way. The mother will need her

partner to support her mothering, to encourage her in her

‘job’ and be sensitive to her more vulnerable state of mind.

The getting-to-know-you phase is not automatic or instant.

Just like any new relationship, it takes time to adjust to each

other and learn what the other is like.

‘ B e i n g w i t h ’ t h e Fat h e r

The mother has to realise that carrying the baby for the

duration of the pregnancy gives her a headstart in forming

a connection with her baby. The father needs a little more

time to come to grips with the reality of what has happened

and, while excited about the birth, he needs time to find

his way of relating to the baby. Fathers often recall their

T h e b i r t h

43


childhood experiences and reflect on how they would like

to relate to their child as they grow. As one father put it:

It is difficult for me to know how to be a father – my

father was a very busy man. He felt it was the right thing

to be spending time doing his work and was often not at

home so I don’t really have a good model for what it

means to be a father. Also I am the youngest and I’ve never

been in a situation where there’s been a baby around.

To another father it was a time to review how he wanted

to relate to his child and how he would like to be a father,

compared to the fathering he received:

Basically we had a good upbringing, although I wasn’t all

that close to my dad. One thing we didn’t do was talk

about things very much, and I would like that to be

different – that we could discuss things more.

Often fathers can feel confused about their role at this

time and can feel left out of the intimacy between their

partner and their baby. Talking about his wife and baby,

one father said:

My wife wasn’t feeling confident about her ability to be

able to feed the baby, and I was trying to tell her that she

was doing really well. The first day she was feeding the

baby was very difficult. The baby’s learning how to do it,

and mum’s learning how to do it, and the father feels as

useful as pockets on a singlet.


44


Most wish for and support the developing relationship,

but are unsure of their role in the new family. Often, while

the mothers are engrossed with the new baby, the fathers

carry the worry about the family’s future, particularly in

relation to financial concerns. Fathers often bear the

responsibility of being the sole breadwinner and, even if the

role is only temporary, it can be stressful.

C o m m u n i c at i n g w i t h E a c h O t h e r

The most important way in which the baby communicates

is by sharing their feelings with the mother for her to

understand and articulate. It is important for the new

parents to work out not only what their own feelings are at

this time, but also the feelings the baby is communicating.

In the early weeks the baby’s vulnerability and fragility

will be very apparent and the mother’s hypersensitivity will

assist her in empathising with her baby and sensing what is

going on. The baby’s helplessness and vulnerability will be

reflected in the mother’s care and handling. Feeling the

vulnerability does not mean that we should treat the baby as

if they are about to break, like a piece of china, at any

moment. The baby needs to know that they will be gently

but firmly handled. Being handled too preciously will

reinforce the baby’s anxiety: it is important to let the baby

feel confident that we have some idea of what we are doing.

T h e b i r t h

45


However, we must remember that a baby is not a sack of

potatoes, unaware, unfeeling and lacking in consciousness.

A nurse actually told me that it didn’t really matter what I

did to my baby for the first six weeks because she was ‘Like

a vegetable, just feed and clean it and don’t worry!’ It is

important to follow a middle path of gentle but firm

handling, remembering that babies are quite resilient.

Even at this early time the baby’s characteristics can

become evident, and potential patterns in the relationship

between mother and child can emerge. I was intimately

involved with a couple having their first child. On my first

visit to the hospital the mother, June, was clearly delighted

with the birth of her son, Michael. June was wearing shorts

and a t-shirt because she preferred to be dressed rather than

wear a nightgown during the day. She told me details of the

birth and showed me a bruise on the side of Michael’s face.


46


June’s comment was, ‘He didn’t want to come out, even

with the caesar’.

Looking back now, I can see that even early on there was

tension between June and Michael, due to their different

personalities. Such differences are bound to occur between

mother and baby, as they do in all partnerships. June was

anxious to get on with life and immediately dressed in her

normal clothes: baby Michael hadn’t really wanted to come

out! June attempted to bridge the birth separation by

linking her before-and-after experiences with Michael. She

commented that:

It is interesting seeing the things he did inside, on the

outside. Like when he shudders, I used to feel him do that

inside. Also the hiccups and certain kicks and movements,

I see him do them and think, ‘That’s what he used to do’.

June also created links to his father by talking to Michael

about how good his father was at pacifying him, and how

good it was going to be when they were home together.

E v e ry o n e i s O v e r w h e l m e d

The mother, like her baby, naturally feels overwhelmed by

all that has happened to her. She needs time and space to

process these events, and further anxieties can only add to

the overload. However, busy hospital wards are not always

easy places to create a peaceful environment. A few days

T h e b i r t h

47


after the birth, hormones make many mothers feel quite

teary. This is normal, and may be an expression of the loss

of the union between mother and baby when the baby was

in the womb.

The hospital system may create a problem of who ‘owns’

the baby – the parents or the hospital staff. A few days after

my daughter’s birth I walked past the nursery between

feeds. In those days babies were only given to the mother

every four hours, for a feed. I heard my baby crying quite

loudly and in a great deal of distress. I told the sister that it

was my baby who was crying and asked if I could pick her

up – only to be told that she would be delivered at the usual

time for her feed and that I couldn’t go into the nursery

area. I remember saying, dumbfounded, ‘But it’s my baby

and she’s upset.’ I was refused access and in my sensitive

state soon started crying. I felt powerless, standing there in

my dressing-gown and slippers and feeling that I had no

rights. This would be much less likely to happen today, yet

in some ways elements of the problem still exist.

If a mother has a baby who needs more care due to

medical difficulties she will need to ‘fight’ within herself to

remain the main person in her baby’s life. It is easy to feel

that you have created enough of a problem by not

producing a perfect child, and hand over responsibility for

the baby’s care to the nursery and medical staff. Staff may


48


unconsciously imply that they can care for the baby better

than we can. However there is no one who can better

provide the emotional connection than the parents, and all

concerned need to remember that this bond should remain

paramount.

The moment of birth is a special moment. There is

probably no other time for parents and baby as full of

creativity for all concerned, as when a new life comes into

the world. However, the other side to this magic is the

trauma of change and loss that both mother and baby feel.

They will need the warm acceptance of the father and other

support people to help them deal with this event. This

moment of creativity, like life, cannot be perfect. No one

can be the perfect mother, father or baby. As always in life,

events and circumstances that we cannot control will come

into play, but we can do our best, within the limitations in

which we operate, to make the meeting as special as

possible.

Conclusion

The birth is the point of meeting, a coming together of the

mother, baby and father, and it is this meeting that should

take centre stage. The mother–baby partnership requires the

father to protect and keep them safe from intrusion and

harm, since they are particularly vulnerable at this time. All

T h e b i r t h

49


parties have had a major life experience: it is important to

wonder about the mother’s experience and what she has been

through; what the baby has experienced and the changes that

they will have to negotiate as a result of the birth; and how

all of this has affected the father. There is a lot to be

processed. The mother, father and baby need support from

others – grandparents, extended family and friends – to help

them respond to their new world. Support from others is a

necessity.


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t h e f i r s t s i x w e e k s

Having faced the enormous changes of birth, how does

the baby and new family deal with the upheaval to

their lives in the first six weeks? Perhaps the best response

to this question is to live through it. It is a time to just

experience whatever is happening rather than trying to

control events. The new family members all need time to

sort things out, and all that can be done is to live through

the chaos and not shortcut the process of getting to know

each other. It is best not to panic or rush things. Endurance

is the main ingredient. We may not know how things will

work out, but they do work out eventually if we hang in

there.

There are two main areas of learning. First, mother,

father and baby need to work together to ease the baby into

becoming aware that they now live outside the womb.

Mother and father also need to adjust to their new lives.

Second, the baby comes into the world ready and able to

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help their parents know what they need and want. The

baby will also respond to the changes taking place by

beginning to divide the world into experiences that they

like or don’t like. A discussion of these two areas forms the

basis of this chapter.

I must admit that when my baby was newly born I had

an intense desire to protect her from all difficulty and

distress. Although this attitude was useful in the very early

weeks, as she grew it became increasingly unadaptive and

unhelpful in assisting her to cope with a world where all

things are not instant and not always as we might want

them to be. A more useful attitude would have been to

acknowledge the difficulties my baby was having, while

helping her to gradually find her place in the new world

into which she had been born.

S e p a r at i n g f r o m t h e Wo m b

Being a newborn does not mean there is a little person yet,

in the usual sense of the word. It is more like being full of

sensations. Experiences from outside the baby, for example

how they are picked up, and from inside, such as hunger

pains and colic, are constantly affecting the newborn, who

has very few mechanisms for dealing with these

‘intrusions’. The newborn looks to their mother to help

regulate sleeping, feeding and waking cycles. Much of the


52


relationship centres on those activities, as the baby offers

subtle cues as to what they want. During this early time the

arms and the lap of the mother act almost as an extension of

the womb, and there is still little differentiation between

mother and baby. Where mother begins and ends, and baby

begins and ends, is not always clear.

This process – of being in a place where the arms and the

lap are like the outside womb, and a sense of being separate

from the womb is gradually introduced – needs to be

handled with great sensitivity and care. All babies, like all

mothers, have to deal with the fact of their physical

separateness, and babies need to be ‘let down’ gradually into

this reality.

It is true that the baby is gradually developing in terms

of their capacity to relate. If the mother or parents can

identify with what it must be like to be the baby, to think

and reflect on the baby’s position, the baby will gradually be

drawn into the relationship with their parents. A baby’s

natural instinct is to seek contact, and they are drawn to the

human form and to the human face as a means of making

this connection.

Initially, in order to survive, the baby has to respond to

the world in terms of internal needs and will therefore look

to the parents for what they need to ensure their survival.

The parents’ reliability, consistency and care are important

T h e f i r s t s i x w e e k s

53


aspects here. Therefore, the baby responds to the mother in

terms of her functions. At the same time the baby will

respond to the mother’s voice and smell, and seek continual

contact with her as the one who carried the baby inside the

womb.

Th e B a b y g i v e s C u e s

While the baby is becoming acquainted with how the world

works, they are also well-equipped to enter into a two-

person relationship and are very much attuned to forming

that relationship with their carers. The baby is able to give

very good cues to the parents about what they need.

Establishing this secure relationship will be the baby’s aim

at this time, and they will signal when they are tired,

hungry or in need of holding. The baby will also connect

through finding and holding the gaze of the mother. This is

an important way in which the baby feels grounded and

held. Holding the gaze is like feeling that they are in the

‘grip’ of the mother and therefore are secure and safe.

When the baby’s survival is assured they will be able to

enter into the type of relationship where a real meeting

takes place and a two-way partnership is established.

As mothers, we can sometimes feel overwhelmed by the

baby seeking to have their needs met and, particularly if our

own needs have not been adequately responded to, we may


54


think of the baby as only taking from us. We may be

disappointed that the new baby cannot give us what we

missed out on and are still waiting for. We may feel related

to as a ‘thing’, like a cow, when in fact the baby just wants

to stay alive. This is a necessary stage of development for the

baby, which we need to understand and respond to. It is

through the mother that the baby will learn that they exist,

are alive and are fundamentally ‘acceptable’ and lovable.

A woman came to see me, highly successful in her area

of expertise but with a chaotic personal life, seeking therapy

to help get her life together. Over time changes took place,

her life on the personal level began to improve and she

established a good ongoing relationship. There was still,

however a sense of underlying deadness and flatness to her.

We referred to this state as ‘going into her coffin’. Although

much had been explored we reached even further back into


55


her childhood, and found that as a baby she had not been

responded to. In her early weeks and months she had been

treated as a lump of flesh only, not someone with potential

to think and feel.

Her mother had obviously held the attitude that a baby

was like a vegetable and hence regarded her new baby as a

lump of something that was not quite human. The result

was a lack of emotional passion in this lovely young woman.

By exploring her early states of mind we were able to bring

alive her baby self, and with it her ability to deeply engage

in life, and her relationship with me and her new partner.

H o l d i n g t h e B a b y ’ s Fe e l i n g s

If the baby is initially seeking the parents as partners in

responding to their needs and only gradually comes into a

relationship with them, how do they develop a sense of

being someone? How does the baby begin to feel that their

experiences are being held together, rather than out of

control and continually assaulting them? This usually takes

place through the mother, who by her preoccupation and

attentive, reflective care gradually enables the baby to feel

secure and held; the baby is experiencing the world but is

not overwhelmed by it.

The mother, through her maternal reverie, forms a

mental skin around the stream of sensations that is her


56


baby. When experiences escalate, both pleasurable and

unpleasurable, someone needs to be there to help the baby

deal with the high level of stimulation or anxiety. By

knowing about the baby’s feelings the mother helps to make

them more bearable. Because the baby sees that their

mother knows and understands the feelings, they become

less overwhelming and part of normal life for the baby.

It is at this stage that mother and baby, with father’s

support, are trying to deal with the questions of ‘Where do

things come from?’ and ‘Who are you and who am I?’ A

sneeze, a large bowel movement or a door banging can

startle a little baby. It is the mother’s function to address what

is happening and show the baby the cause of their reaction.

In this way the mother can help make sense of the world for

the baby. Through this process the baby is able to feel centred

by the mother: ‘You got a fright when you sneezed’.

B e g i n n i n g a n d E n d i n g Fe e d s

In a similar way, it is possible to assist the baby to make

transitions. At the beginning and the end of a feed we can

watch for signals so that we know when to connect the baby

to the breast and when they are finished. As the baby is

gradually more awake at these times we can talk to them

about these transitions in a soothing way.

It is easier to understand the depth of a baby’s distress if,


57


for example, we realise that seeing the breast move away at

the end of a feed can be like losing ourselves. If the ‘little

separations’ such as ending a feed, going to sleep or

finishing a bath can be talked through soothingly the baby

will feel less threatened by what they may otherwise feel to

be abrupt and meaningless changes that are forced upon

them, rather than something they are prepared for.

June, the mother of baby Michael, used another way of

soothing transitions. She spent many of the early days at

home taking Michael for long walks, in a baby sling. This

made Michael content and seemed to re-create a sense of

connection with the womb, giving him time to adjust to his

new life outside the womb.

‘ S o f t ’ a n d ‘ H a r d ’ E x p e r i e n c e s

In the face of new stimuli the baby will begin to attempt to

structure the world by dividing their experiences into ‘soft’

and ‘hard’ ones. Soft experiences are the warm, holding,

feeding ones, when the baby feels ‘held’ both mentally and

emotionally. Hard experiences may be being unwrapped

and having a nappy changed, needing to be bathed, being

put down to sleep, or experiencing discomfort and pain.

These experiences force the baby to realise that they now

live outside the womb. Gradually, as adjustments are made,

the newborn faces the new reality.


58


Soft experiences such as holding and feeding enable the

baby to again feel ‘at one’ with the mother, and hard

experiences emphasise the fact that the baby is now a

separate being. Both aspects are important if the baby is to

develop. In the early weeks we endeavour to be

sympathetic, empathising with the baby’s position and

minimising major stresses and disruptions, but the baby is

also involved in a learning process that requires our support

and help. An example is having a bath. For many babies the

initial experience of being unwrapped and immersed in

water can be distressing. Without the blankets that hold

them firmly and the clothes that keep them warm, the

unwrapped baby can feel exposed and highly vulnerable.

The enveloping walls of the uterus which provided a sense

of security have gone.


59


Even if they find baths upsetting, however, we don’t

decide never to give a baby a bath in order to prevent them

experiencing distress. To assist the baby we may initially

speak soothingly and reassuringly, and may make the bath

brief. Accommodation is made but the task is not

abandoned and quite frequently, within a week or so, the

baby can relax enough to discover that the experience can be

a joyful one. The baby is not told ‘You have to do this for

your own good so you might as well get used to it’ nor ‘You

poor thing, you don’t like that so we won’t do it any more’.

A middle path – helping the baby through a difficult

learning experience – seems to offer parent and baby the

best hope of mutual satisfaction from working at their task

of developing a partnership.

What happens if there are not enough soft or hard


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experiences? Without enough soft experiences – comfort,

warmth, feeding, physical holding, attention to needs and

psychological holding – what must it be like for the baby?

The baby will feel insecure, tense and left alone to cope with

the fact that their mother/father/carer is not sufficiently

available. The fact that they receive inadequate care is

beyond their capacity to understand, so they turn against

themselves rather than face the psychological truth. If

someone doesn’t pick the baby up often enough the baby

may think that it is because they aren’t liked, don’t smell

right or are ugly or stupid. Whatever it is, the baby will

blame themselves for the lack of soft experiences.


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Some babies will develop a muscular armour, holding

their body tensely in response to the lack of arms into which

they can sink their floppy bodies. In the absence of being

held, they will do the holding. Of course we must

remember that babies vary in their normal degree of

relaxation. Some babies are born relaxed, while others take

longer and need more encouragement to feel at home in the

world.

Women who find this phase of motherhood hard often

have difficult histories themselves – their mothers were

unable to provide for them emotionally. It is a community

responsibility to see that mothers or carers are adequately

supported to achieve their task, or they are being asked to

do the impossible.

If not enough hard experiences occur the baby can’t

make the psychological transition from the womb to the

outside world. In a psychological sense, it becomes difficult

for the baby to find their own identity and personality, and

they can forever feel dependent on another to get by in the

world. As we have noted before, at birth and in the early

weeks the mother is in a heightened state of sensitivity to

her baby, and the baby continues to experience themselves

as part of the mother. Both mother and baby feel that

without the other, something is missing. In this way there

remains a sense that they are still united.


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Gradually and with good care inside the mental and

emotional womb that the mother provides, the baby faces

reality and psychological integrations begin to take place. A

little person begins to form. If this does not occur the baby

remains overconnected to the mother. In this state there is a

sense of oneness with the mother, and there is little in the

way of psychological life that belongs to the baby. The birth

of their personality is less able to take place. If a mother was

not helped to separate from her own mother, she must

think carefully about how she can help this process occur

with her own baby.

N e e d f o r O u t s i d e S u p p o r t

All mothers need support and help because a baby is such

an enormous responsibility. The most important support

hopefully comes from the father, and from family and

friends. Mothers can only give support to their baby if their

own needs are met. As mothers we need to mobilise

whatever support we can – it is important to learn to accept

help.

Having help is not just a luxury but a necessity, which

enables us to be there for our baby. Being there for them

requires someone being there for us. In some cultures

family members provide all meals and perform all

household duties for the first six weeks after birth, to enable


63


the mother to concentrate on her relationship with her

baby.

Although this doesn’t usually happen in Australia, the

need is the same. The mother will need a supportive

environment so that she can stay in touch with her

heightened sensitive state. Being an understanding mother

requires an understanding partner, and the new family

needs support if they are to fulfil the demands of their new

life.

In these early weeks it is important for the father to

acknowledge the woman’s mothering and help her feel

comfortable and competent in her new role. It is helpful if

he can let her know that her efforts are valued. This is even

more important in a society that doesn’t place much value

on her important task. The father also needs support to deal

with the changes in his life. Fathers also struggle as the

world outside the family continues to make demands and

makes little allowance for their new life.

The first six weeks were not easy for June, Michael and

Nick, the father. On my first visit to their home after the

birth June greeted me with:

This is our Jekyll and Hyde. I got fed up with him the

other night and said to Nick, ‘Here you are, you have him’.

Then on Sunday night Nick was trying to settle him from

11.30 p.m. to l a.m. and eventually came in and said, ‘Here


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you are, you have him’. The first few nights were awful.

He cried a lot of the time and the worst thing is you don’t

know what is wrong with them.

Michael was not a content, sleepy newborn able to ease

his parents into parenthood. Many babies are sleepy in the

first few weeks then gradually cry more around three

weeks when some realisation of their separateness starts to

dawn. Others cry in the first weeks in response to the birth,

then gradually settle. The rupture of birth had clearly

disturbed Michael, who because of the Caesarean section

hadn’t been able to trigger his birth in his time, and he

needed a lot of reassurance. Michael’s anxiety about his

survival was strong and he required constant interaction.

June then realised that it was time to change Michael’s

nappy. As soon as June put him on the floor, Michael cried.

June said, ‘Come on, it’s not as bad as all that’, but Michael

tensed his body and continued protesting. When June had

finished changing the nappy she picked him up, saying,

‘Come on little fellow’, and although the crying eased it

didn’t stop. After cleaning his eyes (he had ‘sticky eye’) June

put him to her breast. Michael sucked immediately, firmly

and quietly, and his fretfulness evaporated. June said:

It’s like magic. you know. I think if he could he would just

hang on to me for the whole time he is fretful. He could sit

on the breast for the whole four hours of his disturbed


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time, but you couldn’t do that. One thing that does soothe

him is his bath. Nick or I go and sit with him in the water

and he is immediately quiet. That lasts about l5 minutes,

then we pace the floor.

After about a twenty-minute feed on that breast June

said, ‘That’s about enough there, I think’, and gently

removed Michael and began rubbing his back. How to end

feeds, and later limiting solids, was an issue between

Michael and June: June felt that he had had enough and

Michael always wanted more. This was an important issue

for them to work out.

Conclusion

The first six weeks are a challenging time. Mother and baby

are highly attuned to each other and parents have the

difficult task of protecting and acting sensitively towards

their newborn, and at the same time easing the baby

towards the full realisation of separateness from the mother.

The mother’s ability to understand what the baby is

experiencing, and her thoughtful care, will gradually give

her baby a psychological skin into which a psychological self

can be born. Physical birth is separate from psychological

birth, which comes later.

In the beginning the baby will gradually try to organise

their world in an attempt to make it more manageable. At


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this stage mum, dad and baby are all attempting to move

from feeling overwhelmed to a more manageable situation.

That is about all that can be achieved at this time and too-

early interventions, such as organising sleep patterns, are

not necessarily helpful. It is important for the baby and

mother to find their own rhythm and follow that for the

time being. Being spoilt is not really an issue at this early

stage. What is important is that there are many feelings on

all sides to be processed and understood.


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s i x t o t w e l v e w e e k s

By this age the baby well and truly recognises their

parents and will smile in response to consistent care.

Father, mother and baby are getting to know each other a

little better and the mutual recognition is acknowledged on

all sides. The chaotic world that existed just after the birth

becomes a little less chaotic. Although they are still finding

their way, some more organisation and routine is usually

possible.

Babies love the rhythm of a routine, which helps them to

locate who they are. Not a routine that is rigidly applied but

one that takes them into account and is shaped by their

needs, but at the same time is predictable and reliable. This

helps them feel that the new world is a little more

manageable, as they struggle to sort out how it works.

Th e Fa l l i n g - i n - L ov e P h a s e

In this period there is an intensification of the relationship

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between mother, father and baby, who begin to ‘fall in love’

with each other. A lot of eye-to-eye contact is sought on

both sides, and smiling increases in a way that is responsive

and infectious. Babies begin to ‘coo’ and engage mothers in

imitating them. This is a wonderfully social time.

While falling in love, the parents and baby naturally feel

the intense highs and lows and ups and downs of that

experience. The world can be complete one minute and fall

apart the next. As one mother put it:

You notice your life a lot more when you have a baby. It

has meaning to it – you feel depressed, you feel happy, you

feel wonderful when they smile, you have so many more

emotions that you are aware of, more than you did before.

It’s hard to believe that a baby does that. You are so aware

of everything that goes on around you and you are so

protective.

S i x t o t w e l v e w e e k s

69


I never thought that I would be so protective, and I

never thought I would feel so much for a child, even

though I still feel really tired and really weak for some

reason and it’s a real effort to get up to him.

When he smiles his whole face lights up and it makes

everything worth it; the tiredness, the late nights, the

feeding and the grumpiness, it makes it all worthwhile.

You have your down times too, when he cries and you

can’t settle him and you think, ‘What did I do this for?’

Your moods do swing, they swing a lot.

Another mother was surprised about how well things

had gone:

I think in the beginning I didn’t really know how I would

feel about motherhood and babyhood, but I would say to

anyone that I would recommend it. Even the bits that I

thought would be really dreadful haven’t been that bad.

I’ve just enjoyed it, and I would recommend it to anyone.

The early distinction between soft and hard experiences

is now clearer for the baby. They build an idea of a mother

who soothes or a mother who can’t fix everything, and as

mothers we are both. We supply what they need so that they

feel secure and comforted, but at other times we cannot

make everything better even though we want to.

A real mother, as opposed to the non-existent ideal one,

is one who understands often enough what her baby needs.


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This means that the baby is fed when hungry, put to sleep

when tired, left alone to look at something of interest, and

responded to and held when needing comfort. These are

critical experiences which create the baby’s basic trust in the

parents and a sense that the world is a good place.

‘ G o o d E n o u g h ’ M o t h e r i n g

The idea of ‘good enough’ mothering is important. The

term recognises that empathising with the baby won’t

happen all the time, but if it happens enough of the time all

will go well. Enough ‘in tune’ parenting means that the

growing baby will be able to deal with some situations

where they are not getting the gratification they want, can

wait for what they need or can manage when their need is

only partially met. This capacity develops from having been

responded to sufficiently.

The baby still needs their mother to be someone who

will help to regulate their volatile emotional states and

allow them to adjust to the world. The illusion that the

breast or the mother can provide all satisfaction is gradually

reviewed by both mother and baby, who both begin to work

with reality. At first, when complete satisfaction isn’t

possible the bottom falls out of the baby’s world. The world

is either all good or all bad. These extreme states are like

two separate entities to the baby, which gives us some idea


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of the absoluteness of their experiences. When things are

good, the baby is comfortable and their tummy is full they

are blissed out, all is well and there are no clouds on the

horizon. When the baby has to wait or is frustrated or

distressed, the whole world goes wrong and all good

experiences seem to be forgotten.

The reality is that the mother is not the total source of

good that she and the baby might want her to be, and

neither is she the bad person she sometimes feels if all does

not go well. Mothers are ordinary human beings who are

doing their best. Both gradually come to this realisation,

rather than considering mothers as people who should fulfil

unrealistic expectations. The baby too becomes their own

little self with an individual personality – they are not just

the sum of the expectations placed upon them.


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We can enjoy the idealisation of our baby as they totally

depend on us to satisfy their needs, but gradually we help

them face the reality of who we are and what we can and

can’t do. The utter trust and reliance of our baby can be

enjoyed in this phase at the same time as gradually letting

them live in the world as it is. Equally, their sometimes

questioning eye when unwell, hurt or frustrated touches

our own helplessness. We cannot protect the baby from pain

and cure all situations for them. We need to understand the

way they view the world, but not accept that world view as

if that is the way things really are.

O t h e r Way s o f R e l at i n g

Gradually the baby will learn not to regard the breast as the

sole source of satisfaction, holding and security. Looking at

the mother and hearing her voice will act as a reassuring

mechanism. This is an important developmental shift – the

physical holding is important, especially in the early weeks,

and continues to be so, but additional ways of connecting

are a necessary part of the baby’s development.

The emphasis can shift during this time from relying

upon physical holding to being thought about by the

mother, being looked at and talked to by a mother who

wants to get to know her baby and find out what kind of

person they are. We need to help our baby learn that a


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relationship involves the physical space between them and

us, as well as being physically held. It also involves the fact

that we can remember each other when one is absent, and

the relationship continues. The relationship doesn’t

disappear if mum goes out to the laundry to soak a nappy!

If we become over-involved with our baby the

deprivation can be more in the direction of not letting them

experience the absent breast or mother. One of a baby’s

earliest lessons is that the breast is not an extension of

themselves, but that it belongs to the mother. If the breast is

readily offered at the baby’s first sign of frustration the baby

will not be able to learn who they are and who the mother

is. To bring the baby gently into reality the mother must be

both the good provider and the one who takes away. By

connecting the one who provides gratification with the one

who deprives or frustrates at times, we are connecting the

baby to reality. Connecting experiences to their source is

part of bringing the baby into the world.

Fat h e r b e c o m e s m o r e A c t i v e

The father’s role here is very important. He needs to have a

more active presence with the mother and baby as well as

continuing to support and protect them, thereby enabling a

good transition from inside to outside. The father has a role

in supporting the mother’s deep involvement with her baby


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while helping her not to be lost in the baby. The father

needs to be introduced and included by the mother, as the

new family begins to emerge.

During this period of six to twelve weeks after birth

fathers begin to find their feet, feeling a more integrated

part of the emerging family and less on the outside of the

mother–baby partnership. The comments of one father

show him changing as a result of the birth:

Things have been going well between Rose and myself in

the past week. In fact we’ve really drawn a lot closer.

We’ve had some good talks, and I’ve definitely broken

down a few barriers and I’m more open and honest about

feelings. Babies do that to you. I’m not afraid to criticise

her and to say there are some changes that maybe I don’t


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like or she could do better. I was always afraid to do that

because I thought she was very fragile in her self-esteem. I

think things will get even better. Now I realise there are

problems and there are things to be worked out; this is not

the perfect marriage but when you deal with the problems

you love each other a lot more.

Another father also found that having a baby changed him:

Our little daughter continues to grow into a very likeable

little person. The baby is affecting us as a couple. It just

draws us closer together. I can see how it could drive a

wedge between a man and a woman. The man feels that

he’s come off second-best, which is silly, but you know it

doesn’t work rationally at times. We don’t have many

blues and don’t get upset around the baby. I am not

agitated at her crying as I sometimes was with the previous

children; I think I must be happier and older and more

temperate. My immediate concern is to stabilise us

financially.

I n t e n s i t y o f Fe e l i n g

Intense feelings in the mother, father and baby are part of

the picture at this time. There are wonderful moments as

intense bonding takes place and mother, father and baby

fall in love with each other. This is a delightful and

rewarding time for all. However there are, at the same time,


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difficult times which require constancy and commitment

from the parents.

For June, Nick and Michael, their fortunes waxed and

waned at this time. Good periods occurred: ‘We had a lovely

morning playing and laughing on the bed. He was really

lovely’. Michael now enjoyed his bath, and kicked and

splashed. June said, ‘I went to the cot the other day and as

soon as he saw me his face lit up with a wonderful smile’ and

‘For the first time the other day he stopped sucking in the

middle of a feed, looked at me and gave me a big grin’.

Michael was beginning to coo and at times interplay took

place between him and June that was intense, reciprocal and

loving.

Between these good periods a lot of hard work took

place. Michael was often hard to ‘find’ or connect to, and

June spent a lot of time endeavouring to make contact with

him. She would speak soothingly and lovingly, but Michael

would look past her or at her neck. Although placed in a

position that allowed good eye contact during

breastfeeding, Michael did not always take advantage of it.

At nine weeks June began to rub Michael’s stomach and

chest after feeding, saying, ‘What is that all about, little

one? Got a little wind? You can’t still be hungry’, in a very

caring tone while looking directly at him, but Michael still

gazed at the wall and increased the volume of his cry.


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Possibly he didn’t want to face the fact of a mother who

‘takes it away’, who finishes a feed, but that aspect of

mothering is important to learn. Finally June said, ‘Maybe

you’re just bored’, picked him up and stood him in front of

her, between her legs. He put his head back and looked

from one side to the other, but at such an angle that he

managed to avoid eye contact. June kept gazing at him and

said, ‘We know you’re a strong boy’, as he firmly pushed his

feet against her, still looking around.

Th e I s s u e o f L i m i t s

In this six- to twelve-week period June grappled with a lot of

self-doubt. She struggled, like all of us, with the issue of

limits. Michael seemed to be feeding constantly and never

wanted to be apart from the breast. Feeding wasn’t just

related to his need for nourishment, it was a source of

constant comfort and reassurance. June wondered how she

could help him cope with times apart from her and how she

could manage some life of her own, including time with

Nick.

At seven weeks June commented:

He is gradually better behaved although I feed him a lot in

the afternoons. All he wants to do is suck, sometimes for

one-and-a-half hours. It is not a feed, just a comfort suck. I

think maybe he needs it. He can’t be too spoiled at this stage.


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Yet June’s uneasiness about Michael’s use of the breast

prompted her to add, ‘How long does it take for them to get

the idea of all of you and not just parts’? While young,

Michael did seem possessive of the breast to the extent of

believing that it was his. The issue of ‘You don’t really

know whether to let them gradually cope with more

frustration or give them what they want’ worried June, who

was given conflicting advice by her doctor and obstetrician.

The issue of limits is a difficult one for all parents.

By nine weeks June decided:

Nick and I want to have a civilised meal in the evening,

I’m tired of one or the other of us pacing the floor and

eating in shifts. I’ve given him the dummy and if he cries

I go back every five minutes to pat him and put the

dummy back. We’ve only done it two nights. It’s hard but

I think we’re winning.

By ten weeks June was attempting to be firmer during

the day:

He hasn’t been sleeping much during the day but this time

he has had a good couple of hours, with a bit of

encouragement from me. The pram gets rocked if he stirs

and I seem to have had a win. Otherwise he just wants his

mother all day.

Weeks ten to eleven seemed like a breakthrough. June

was finding caring for Michael very rewarding and some of


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their struggles, although not resolved, were lessening. A

feed at ten weeks demonstrates the compromise that had

been reached: ‘You ready now? Here it is’ – and June lifted

her blouse and offered her breast. Michael latched on

quickly and sucked rapidly, actually gulping. June said,

‘Listen to that, you’re gulping a bit mate. Steady on’. Soon

he quietened and June said:

He does seem more secure now. He used to hang on really

tightly to my finger before while he fed, now he is much

more relaxed. He seems to want a lot but he is responding

to being put down at night. The other thing is he is very

clearly getting to know what he wants, you don’t realise

how much they become their own little person.

Like all parents we will at times feel frustrated, angry

and annoyed at our baby. Sometimes we will ask, ‘Why are

you doing this to me?’ Usually we are doing the best we can.

Our sleep is disturbed and our resources are low at times,

and we seem to be trapped in a relentless cycle that we can’t

see our way out of. These are all natural reactions to the

demands of the situation, and many parents have moments

when they wish to shake a child or throw them out the

window, when they feel helpless in the face of their never-

ending bundle of needs.

I remember thinking at times that if only I could deep-

freeze the baby for a while, get things to stop long enough


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to give me time out, then I would be able to collect myself,

settle down and start again, a little more refreshed and

revived. We don’t, of course, have this luxury – we can only

keep doing the best we can. Wanting ‘time out’ is a normal

feeling experienced by almost all parents. At such times we

acknowledge the feelings and get on with the job!

If the baby comes to associate their needs with distress

and inadequacy rather than well-being and satisfaction,

they will prematurely shift the emphasis from their own

needs to those of their mother, before they are ready to do

so. The mother will become the focus and the baby will

attune themselves to her, losing the connection to their sense

of self. The baby will try to fit into the mother’s


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environment in order to work out how and what they can

do to get their needs met. The baby has to begin to ‘do’

things. Just ‘being’ is no longer possible.

Conclusion

Generally, this period is one of intensifying the relationships

between mother, father and baby—everyone is getting

more involved and able to enjoy each other. Of course there

are ups and downs, but mostly we muddle through. We do

not fulfil the magical view of ourselves or of our baby in this

period of development, making their world perfect and

protecting them from all pain and development; neither do

we fulfil our own or their worst anxieties of deserting them,

being heartless and unthinking. We are somewhere

between these two positions—we attempt to protect and

help them most of the time, while assisting them to deal

with the natural frustrations and difficulties of life. In time,

we learn that we are all human beings with strengths and

weaknesses, endearing traits and annoying faults. In fact, as

we begin to grow and live as a new family we get to know

each other more as we really are, and real love is born.


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t h r e e t o s i x m o n t h s

A n ‘ I ’ E m e r g e s

During this time the baby is learning a lot, mostly

involving their increased capacity to relate more

closely with others. By now it is usually clearer to the baby

that they live outside the womb. Some sense of ‘I’ has

emerged and their recognition of mother and father is well-

established. With the clearer ‘I’ comes another shift in the

baby which affects all the relationships in the family. In this

period, the baby begins to take more control of their

relating. Just by averting their gaze they can let mum and

dad know that they don’t want something. The baby’s

capacity to be an engaging interactive partner with their

parents has evolved further.

Parents respond to this by letting the infant take more

initiative. They let the baby set up the social interaction and

respond when their baby has had enough. While mum

helped to regulate them as a little baby, the baby has now

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developed cues that regulate their desired level and amount

of social interaction, using their gaze. They can now look

away, shut their eyes, stare past people and become glassy-

eyed, as well as getting the contact they want by smiling and

vocalising. This is an effective range of behaviours that help

them communicate with their parents and carers. Now

both sides can work together in a more shared way and

relate to each other more fully.

‘ Ta l k i n g ’ t o E a c h O t h e r

As parents this is the period of our ‘baby talk’ and ‘baby

faces’, when we happily change our way of relating to the

baby and simplify our language and facial expressions. The

higher voice tone is one to which babies naturally relate,

and we speak slowly and in an exaggerated way. Each side

of the relationship elicits from the other the behaviours that

are wanted at this time. Both enter the ‘play’ which is

focused on face-to-face interactions with the baby.


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During this time the baby, rather than just moulding

into mother as they did previously, begins to strain against

the mother’s body, pushing away in order to have a better

look at her. They begin to pull at the mother’s hair, nose and

ears, and put food in her mouth. The baby also wants to

physically explore their mother’s face in addition to looking

at it. In the early weeks the general outline of mother was

important; now, the specific features are important. The

baby also begins to look for differences in faces, especially

between the mother and father.

There is a lot happening for the baby at this time on

every level. During this period they begin to roll over, are

introduced to solid foods, gradually strengthen their back

and begin to sit up, and their teeth begin to come through

gums. All these biological milestones are accompanied by

psychological milestones.

L o o k i n g I n t e n t ly

Babies at this stage begin to ‘take notice’ in a more complex

way. They are interested in the relationships around them.

They want to observe the person who is speaking, then

follow through to the person who answers. They watch as

mothers and fathers bring cups to their lips and carefully

watch them eating. It is during these times, when they seem

to look intently at their parents, siblings and grandparents,

T h r e e t o s i x m o n t h s

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that they are trying to work out the complexity of the

relationships in their world.

A good illustration of this process is a visit I made to a

young family when their son, Damien, was just over four

months. The father, William, was sitting with Damien on

his knee; Damien was looking up at him with a lovely smile.

Julie, the mother, asked if I would like a cup of tea. Damien

turned his head at the sound of her voice and on locating her

gave her a big smile and gurgled. William commented,

‘He’s such a happy baby’. Julie asked if I would like to hold

Damien and I gladly accepted. As he was passed to me,

Damien gazed at me as if to say ‘I’ve seen you before’ (which

he had) and gave me a big smile. Once on my lap he looked

around to locate dad and mum again, then back to me.

When the baby was first born their main interests were

survival and their need to link with their mother. They

focused on being latched to the breast, held securely, helped

to deal with their transition into the new world and shown

how it works. Now that the baby knows that their survival

is assured they become more aware of the nuances around

them. At first the world seemed to involve only the baby

and mother, and the baby’s tasks were to work out who is

me and who is she, and where each begins and ends.

As the baby begins to sit up they notice other kinds of

relationships that have to be incorporated and understood.


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This shift is accompanied by frequent periods of returning

to mother and enjoying her in an exclusive twosome of

social play, ‘talking’ and gazing. These revisits to the

partnerships with mother are very important for the baby.

Fat h e r i n t h e Fo r e g r o u n d

Until now the father, although present, has to some extent

been in the background for the baby. Now he is a more

noticeable figure who has to be integrated into the picture.

The baby has to move from its twosome to a threesome at

times and enter into the triangular family relationship. This

greater engagement enriches the baby’s life. Because they

are full of curiosity to find out about the world, and wish to


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explore and make sense of what is happening around them,

the baby is usually happy to make the transition. The

engagement occurs gradually and in small steps.

The baby is now eating solids, not just soft, flowing,

warm liquid. They have to chew and swallow harder food.

The introduction of solids means the beginning of the

weaning process, even if breastfeeding continues. It

foreshadows the move away from reliance on the breast and

mother, and signals an entrance into a broader world.

The breast may remain as a source of satisfaction and

comfort but the range of activities that comfort the baby

increases. Just the mother’s or father’s voice, a smile of

encouragement, a cuddle or a look can soothe. Many babies

embrace the introduction of solids, others find it more

difficult, but all babies face the conflicting feelings involved

in such a move. The baby may feel that it has ‘lost’ from the

change from being the centre of mother’s attention to

becoming one of the family, but the gains are many.

Taking their place as a member of a group is a change

for the baby. With all change, we do not know when we

face it what the outcome will be. It is the same for the baby.

The loss can be experienced as moving from a special and

privileged position with mum to realising that they are not

the only one in mother’s life. Yet all the gains of the shift are

there to be experienced. This realisation, or the lack of it,


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can be played out in various ways.

With June, Nick and Michael an important

developmental step took place when the baby finally

acknowledged the presence of the family cat, Ginger, who

had put a lot of effort into seeking recognition from

Michael. In June’s words, Ginger was ‘like an older sibling

waiting to be noticed’. As I was meeting June regularly she

decided to more actively introduce Michael to me. It was

not easy for Michael to think of relinquishing his twosome.

He frequently stared at me and appeared to take me in, but

only on rare occasions would he smile at me. Many babies

are excited about their growing sense of other people in their

world however acknowledging me was a major issue for

Michael.

This ‘intruder’ issue increased towards the six-month

mark. At five-and-a-half months June said, ‘I went to that

meeting and left him with my parents, and you know he

was a little horror. He wouldn’t share me with anyone’. She

looked at Michael and said:

Yes, that’s right. I told you that at the time. You know as

soon as I left he was fine, whereas before that he had been

screaming and carrying on. I suppose it is the stage where

they get to know who mum is and don’t want to share.

I suppose he will learn. He is going to have to.

When attempting to move from the twosome to a


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threesome the baby can sometimes view the father as a

competitor and a threat, asking ‘Is he on my side or does he

in fact take away her time and attention that I want so very

much to have?’ Fathers must be careful not to get drawn

into a competition within the family. The father needs to

acknowledge the competitive feelings being aroused at

times in the baby and in himself, but not react to them. At

other times, of course, the baby is only too happy to have

dad’s attention – and the mother may feel resentful that she

does all the hard work and he gets the good times!

M i x e d Fe e l i n g s i n R e l at i o n s h i p s

The point is that at times the baby is going to have mixed

feelings about their father as much as they have mixed

feelings about their mother. Relationships are made up of

such feelings, and reconciling them is a long and difficult

process. It requires a lengthy process of reconciliation to

understand that ‘Dad does take away some time and

attention from mum but he is also on my side and works

with mum to help me grow up’.

Mothers can sometimes become so lost in their twosome

with the baby that they find it hard to allow the baby to

move on and develop. Such mothers may begin to exclude

the father and set up a damaging pattern of mother and

baby versus father, or they may be oblivious of the father,


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rather than including him and establishing a family. An

important developmental step can be taken if the father

intervenes to claim partnership with the mother, and his

fatherhood of the child. The reality of who are the parents

and who is the child is something that both parents must

impart to the child. After the first few months of the

mother’s sensitive preoccupation with the baby’s needs, the

father needs to help the mother return to her adult

relationship in a way that includes the baby. All have a

place, but the places have to be worked for.

In marriages based on mutual interests and

companionship it can be hard to include the baby. The baby

may be viewed as someone who disrupts the companionable

marriage and interferes with the parents’ activities. There

may be resentment that that era has passed. What is

happening, however, is that everyone is finding a new way

to be together, that includes the new member of the family.

Within the new family there are potential rewards for

everyone.

M o t h e r G i v e s a n d Ta k e s Away

At this time the baby not only has to expand their

relationship to the world, but also has conflicting feelings in

regard to their mother. As mentioned in the last chapter, the

baby has two concepts of mother which seem at odds with


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one another: ‘How can it be that this wonderful mother

who makes me feel secure, full, comforted, and is the

delight of my life, is also the mother who takes away what

I need? How can she give her time and attention to others?’

These views must be reconciled: the baby loves the

responsive mother and is not happy with the one who is not

always preoccupied with them. This often begins to show in

various ways in the baby’s relationship with the mother. For

example, one breast may be greatly preferred to the other—

one is good, the other is not so good. If the baby has sore

gums or teeth coming through, or breastfeeds are being

reduced, they may bite the nipple. Like all of us, a baby may

love to hate the one they love!

The emergence of the capacity to love and enjoy, and to

show clearly what they don’t like, is an advance in the


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baby’s ability to relate. Being in a relationship involves both

positive and negative feelings. Acknowledgment that they

may co-exist is the measure of being able to enter a

relationship. It is the beginning of the baby’s journey into a

more complex world with more subtle ranges of feeling.

This process was very clear with June and Michael. As

six months drew near, June reduced his breastfeeds to three

a day, ten minutes a side. This naturally provoked a strong

reaction, as Michael particularly liked his feeding time.

June said, ‘Actually we aren’t the best of friends at the

moment. I think he has turned off mum a bit, he doesn’t

think mum is so wonderful’. Michael had been forced to

realise that his mother was not only a provider, but someone

who also took away his comforter. It is important for the

mother to ‘take the heat’ of the situation and not blame the

baby for being difficult.

Both parties are facing a difficult time and it is best if

they can go through it together. June later commented, ‘It

was hard to drop the fourth feed last week. Michael didn’t

like it and found it hard. It would have been easy to go back

to it because I found I was missing it too.’ June began to

suffer her own form of weaning and talked of her feelings

of re-creating the younger Michael:

Last night I woke with a strong feeling that Michael was

in bed with us. A little later Nick came to bed and as he


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got in I was half-awake and said, ‘Careful, you might

squash him’. It’s funny to have those feelings.

The baby’s capacity for a greater range of feelings,

including negative, towards their parents is a sharing for

the baby. Someone needs to know about these feelings and

be prepared to accept them, because the baby wants them to

be understood. It is important to understand the baby’s

dilemma and allow them to express both sets of feelings

without fear of abandonment. We all face this dilemma, but

this is the first time the baby is dealing with such complex

issues as ‘Can you feel deeply attached to and also upset

with the same person?’

With so much learning taking place the baby has many

moments of being serious and thoughtful as they try to

combine their experiences to form a picture of the world.


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These quiet times are important for the baby, and a time

when the baby can be left alone to do their own ‘thinking’

without interference from us.

I n t e n s e ly L ov i n g a n d S t o r m y

During this phase an important transition has been taking

place for mum, dad and baby. The baby begins to be capable

of a deeper personal connection to the parents and will

naturally seek that level of connection. It is a time for

establishing a deeper involvement in relationships. This is a

special time, which can be very rewarding for the parents

and can herald the beginning of deeply passionate and

intensely loving feelings together with stormy passages.

Like all love affairs, it can feel like a rollercoaster ride. The

baby literally reaches out in order to be known at a more

complex level, and there is much delight for all concerned

when that reaching gains a response.

Deep disappointment may occur if the engagement does

not take place. Such disappointment is not surprising –

many of us have tried to connect more deeply to another

human being, only to feel some rejection. The reaction is

one of feeling deeply wounded and in a state of hurt and

confusion. We may also be reluctant to attempt another

engagement. However, it is important to overcome our

anxieties about being close and fearing loss or rejection in


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order to engage more fully with our baby.

Knowing about these feelings can help us to identify

what it might be like for the baby if their greater capacity

for involvement is not responded to. If ignored, the baby’s

focus turns inwards rather than towards other people, and

their potential for full engagement and participation in life

may not be realised. Sadness and pain are felt by father,

mother and baby. If the baby’s efforts to reach out are met,

they are very blessed to have their spontaneous, warm and

open self accepted and welcomed by other human beings.

Many of the issues that the parents faced during the

pregnancy now recur, but this time they are lessons that the

baby needs to understand. The baby’s sense of oneness with

mother is challenged as they move from being the centre of

mum’s attention to being part of the family, while

frequently re-engaging with her. The baby starts to realise

that there are limitations in life, to notice what other people

can do and, naturally, to experience some frustration with

this state of affairs. Gradually the baby also realises that

mother is not without limitations. She can’t supply all needs

and can’t always make the world as the baby wants it.

The baby has to let go of their short history and change

from being a newborn to being an older baby who is

moving more actively into a relationship with their mother.

For the first time the baby is being asked to relinquish a


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previous view of the world, and move into a more realistic

one that involves mother and baby working as partners, not

just mother being involved on the baby’s behalf.

Wo r k i n g To g e t h e r

The partnership, not just mother and father’s attention to

the baby, becomes the central focus. By entering into the

relationship the baby will have to play their part and fulfil

their own role and function. A small incident between June

and Michael illustrates this growing ability. Michael began

to squirm (he was at the breast but had wind) and June said,

‘I can hear that’. Michael pulled off the nipple and June

said, ‘You need to get rid of that, Michael. I can’t do it for

you, that’s your work’. She sat him up, saying, ‘Let it go’.

With growth, the baby begins to learn about waiting.


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With the introduction of solids the baby may have to watch

and wait while their food is prepared, rather than receive

the instant gratification of milk from the breast. As the baby

faces reality they realise that things take time – for example,

changing a nappy. At this time, when Michael was being

dressed, there was a sense of him learning to wait for June

while working with her to assist with the nappy change.

June was helping by talking to him, ‘Okay, this foot. Now

the other one, up with your bum, there you are. That hand,

now the other one, there you go’, synchronised with her

actions. Then she fastened Michael’s clothes as he looked

contentedly at her.

When I try to recall my own feelings during this period

I realise that they were very complex and not easy to

analyse. My memories include feeling a lot of sadness

without really knowing why. I think that there was a

natural weaning process occurring, for which both my

daughter and I needed to grieve. There always seemed to be

new stages of development which were interesting and

exciting, but I often felt that no sooner did I begin to get the

feel of a phase than the next would start. I always felt left

behind, as if I were trying to catch up to my baby. The

constancy of being a mother is very demanding at times,

even though the task is worthwhile.

I also feared losing my own identity to the baby in


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particular and domesticity in general. I was still studying

and hence did not have a secure sense of my future in the

outside world. For some reason it felt as if I would always

be in the position of providing total care for the baby. I had

little sense of how short the time would really be before my

daughter left her baby state and began to grow up. My lack

of accurate perspective made it hard at times to relax and

enjoy the moment. We can lose a very special time if, for

whatever reason, we cannot be emotionally available to our

baby.

Conclusion

From three to six months an enormous amount of

development occurs and there is a great deal of pleasure in

being part of that. Babies become more aware of their self

and can no longer be regarded as newborn. They are

finding out about partnerships and beginning to work with

their parents in the task of bringing them up. Their feelings

take on many colours, shapes and sizes, and the complexity

of the world they enter enriches their capacity to relate.


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s i x t o n i n e m o n t h s

In this phase further development takes place. Gradually

the baby discovers that there are other minds besides

their own. The most exciting part is the fact that the baby

can look to see if the mother is sharing their mental and

emotional states. Mother and baby, and dad and baby, can

now try to discover if they are thinking or feeling the same

thing or different things. This means that there is a lot of

cross-checking between the baby and the parents, to find

out what the others are thinking. The result is an even

greater connection.

Social interaction now focuses on playing together. The

baby has developed hand–eye and hand-to-hand

coordination and can hold things much better. The parents

and baby can play together, usually with a toy.

A delicate balance is being achieved when we as parents

play with our child—how to be part of the play but allow

our baby to know what they are interested in. At the same

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time, the baby is looking to us to join them and add our

delight and encouragement to the interaction. How to be

part of our child’s play, not direct or overcontrol it, but

sufficiently involved to help the baby remain interested in

their exploration, is a delicate balance.

I n t e r p l ay A f f e c t s B o t h

The baby gradually begins to live in the real world, if they

are helped to do so. They learn that their actions have

implications. The baby begins to realise that there is an

interplay between them and their mother or father, which

affects both. Mum is not a manufactured mother but a real

mother who gets tired. The baby begins to understand that

she has good days and bad days, and is a human being who

has to struggle to do things, just as the baby does.

Gradually baby and parents can become more alike in the

sense of being more able to be themselves, having limitations

and making a mutual effort at the relationships. The

beginnings of identification occur when one can identify with

the other. An early form of appreciation or ‘being glad you

are around’ can be expressed by babies towards their parents.

Babies at this stage can be distressed by their mother’s

distress, and may be crestfallen if mother is cross and short-

tempered. Parents and baby affect each other in the normal

way that human beings have an impact on each other.

S i x t o n i n e m o n t h s

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B a b y ’ s G r o w i n g P e r s p e c t i v e

Being able to sit up and gain mobility enlarges the baby’s

perspective. They discover that their parents may be upset

for all sorts of reasons, that they are not solely responsible

for their parents’ moods and actions. The baby will notice

that even if they want dinner something may happen to

delay it – the phone may ring, or a sibling may hurt

themselves and need attention.

In this way, although there is a wait to endure, the baby

realises that mum’s and dad’s actions and reactions are not

all involved with them. This is a source of relief and reduces

the baby’s anxiety. The baby is not the cause of everything

that happens in the world, and is not the only one

responsible for mum’s and dad’s happiness. People aren’t

just out to make life difficult, other things can and do

happen. As parents we can facilitate this understanding by

linking cause and effect for our little ones.

This transition to understanding a wider context implies

a high level of achievement by the baby. Being aware that

they are part of a family and understanding why things

happen the way they do, requires a high degree of

functioning. We all know individuals who have never

achieved this level of development. It is vital to take our

baby through these processes, to decipher for them the

various feeling states and to make mental connections. This


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is of great importance for their later adjustment to the

world.

The two-way process of communication at this time was

very clear when Damien was eight and a half months. His

mother Julie let me in, and when I walked into the lounge

room Damien was pulling himself up on a chair. When I

said hello he started babbling. He then crawled away and

played peek-a-boo with me before becoming interested in

some toys. Julie guided him to press the button on a toy fish

so that it would say, ‘Hello. I’m a fish’ – Damien grinned

and looked at his mother. Damien pulled himself up, held

on to the couch and moved along it before flopping onto his

bottom again. He pulled himself back up on the couch, said

‘Ah’ in a loud voice and pulled at his pants a couple of times.


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Julie asked, ‘Have you done a poo?’ and checked his nappy,

telling me, ‘This is the latest thing – he pulls at his pants and

whinges when he wants his nappy changed’.

Julie said, ‘Come on, mister’ and took Damien to the

bedroom. I could hear him cry and when they returned

Julie commented that he now protested about nappy-

changing, which he had never done before. She placed

Damien on my knee, saying, ‘You sit there while I wash my

hands’. Damien watched her go into the kitchen, looked at

me, babbled, then smiled at me. When Julie returned he

wriggled and I let him slide to the floor. He pulled himself

up and clapped his hands. Damien then sat down and

played with two rings. He crawled away with them, then

sat and yawned. Julie said, ‘You might have a nap soon’,

then told me that ‘I’m finding it hard to get things done

now because he wants company’.

Each side of the relationship is letting the other know

what they are thinking and feeling in a very natural and

ordinary way. The communication flow is constant and

easy, and both enjoy the exchange. Each ‘tells’ the other

what is going on and the messages are received on both

sides. Interplay is taking place.

Being human means being subject to a range of feelings

that forms part of the human condition. Through their

relationship with the mother the baby can begin to enter


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this complex emotional world. Although the baby’s

experience of these feelings is naturally different from that

of adults, they can experience a wide range of feelings in a

less mature but nevertheless real way.

M o r e S u b t l e U n d e r s t a n d i n g

If the baby is capable of entering into the human condition

and begins to experience a wider range of feeling, we have

to become correspondingly more subtle in the ways in

which we understand our baby. A necessary distinction is to

help the baby decide whether more is better. It is important

for us as parents to try to recognise where our baby is

operating from, acknowledge their state of being and

respond appropriately. The baby will be demanding at

times, and we must ascertain whether genuine need is being

expressed. Like all of us, the baby will experience

dissatisfaction but all needs cannnot be met. As parents we

have to learn to meet reasonable needs and refuse to indulge

unreasonable ones.

This is easy to say and difficult to practise, but it is

something we need to grapple with as parents. Mothers

who always give in to their babies don’t help them to sort

out their real needs – their constant responding leaves little

room for the baby to find and express their need. Being a

martyr to our baby sets up a sense of dissatisfaction, of


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‘nothing is ever enough’. An uncomfortable feeling can

enter the relationship if one side gives control to the other

and the real partnership is lost.

Reconciling conflicting feelings also occurs during this

time. When Michael was six months old his first tooth

arrived. June said, ‘Poor thing, he has been weepy and his

nose has been running slightly’. The tooth had just come

through and as June prepared to feed Michael he stared at

her breast and showed some distress. Michael may have

been trying to work out where the pain was coming from.

The tooth was accompanied by more obvious aggression

from Michael. The following week June reported:

He has bitten me twice in the last week, both times drawing

blood. One nipple is quite sore. Feeding is not as relaxing as

it used to be. One more time Michael and you will be on the

bottle sooner than you think…It would be a shame, really,

because I think we both get something from it.

A g g r e s s i v e Fe e l i n g s

Babies may begin to feel uncomfortable about their more

aggressive feelings towards mum or dad. For this reason it

is better to understand these feelings, tolerate them and let

the baby know that such feelings are normal. In this way

the feelings are made more manageable. If they aren’t

recognised the baby is left with an intensity and level of


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feeling that they don’t know how to deal with.

The new level of aggressiveness in Michael was difficult

for June to label in the early stages, although she could do it

later. On one occasion, Michael pulled a toy lamb towards

him and rammed it backwards and forwards a couple of

times very aggressively, while June spoke about how much

Michael liked wheels. June’s response seemed to ignore the

angry quality of Michael’s action, which perhaps expressed

his anger at the fact that his breastfeeds were being reduced

by his mother. Anger seemed an understandable reaction as

the feeding had been so important and enjoyable for

Michael.

N e g o t i at i n g w i t h t h e B a b y

Negotiating with the baby is important at this time. It is not

a time to dominate or control, but to take both sides into

account and negotiate through the situation. Difficult

situations, such as shopping and long car trips, need to be

thought about in advance. At this time parents have to

develop a greater and more complex level of attunement

with the baby, as they try to work out the various shifts and

moods in the growing relationship. The baby will soon also

be doing their part by working hard to determine what is

happening for their parents.

This process can be a very healing one for us if we accept


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and acknowledge negative feelings, rather than see them as

something to disown or feel ashamed of. It is also an

opportunity to show the baby our understanding that they

have all sorts of feelings, that this is normal, and that we as

parents are able to deal with such feelings. By knowing

about them we can understand and contain them rather

than be a victim of them.

The negotiating can involve elements of being able to

repair things. An important development is the idea of

reparation. The word implies that although things go

wrong in relationships, and events can make one party

unhappy with another, matters are not irretrievable. It is

important for the baby to learn that although they are

sometimes grumpy or upset their parents and the

relationship survive these states. Likewise, mum or dad

might have a bad day or feel their own worries or concerns,


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but can pick up the threads of the relationship and recover.

In this way a certain robustness is acquired, a mutual

confidence that the difficult times can be survived.

Fru s t r at i o n a n d t h e B a b y

During this time the baby’s frustration may be intensified

by their increasing knowledge of others and their

achievements. The more aware baby sees what others can

do and begins to wish they were able to do likewise. This is

a source of frustration but also of inspiration, and provokes

the baby’s development. One day they will grow up and be

able to do things too. It is common at this time to see little

ones mimic the actions of parents in play, as they endeavour

to copy their parents’ ways of being.

With the baby’s growing hope that in time they will be

able to perform the actions of those around them comes a

feeling of ‘losing the wind in their sails’. As the baby tries

out more and more behaviours, they will at times feel

frustrated—that there is no point, they will never be able to

succeed, why should they bother, it is all too hard. If we

remember these feelings ourselves it will be easier to

identify with the baby rather than be irritated and annoyed.

We can encourage their endeavours and help them through

their discouraged times. By identifying these feelings we

facilitate the baby’s next step—to acquire more skills, and


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feel success and satisfaction in their growing capacity.

‘ B e i n g l i k e ’ t h e Pa r e n t s

If all has gone reasonably well in the previous months of

development, the baby will seek to be like their parents or

siblings. This is different from becoming the parent. This

‘being like’ rather resembles ‘looking up to’, the beginnings

of admiration. The baby is pleased with and values their

parents and wishes to be like them. They also want to please

and make their parents happy.

With their increased mobility the baby’s curiosity and

delight in the world is increased. Every exploration away

from mum or dad is accompanied by a return to ‘check

back’ to see if the parents are still there. This is an important

part of the exploration process. Another aspect of checking


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to see that the parent is there is wanting to share the

experience: ‘Do mum and dad enjoy this discovery with

me?’ The desire to share what they are doing is very

important, and to check mum and dad’s response is very

interesting to the baby.

This shift involves partial resolution of the problem of

the intruder, discussed in the last chapter – in this phase it is

more commonly known as ‘stranger anxiety’. Having made

a deeper and more personal commitment to their mother,

the baby naturally wants to remain with the one to whom

they are so attached. But it is not just a matter of the baby

letting go of their mother. They must do that, but they must

also let someone else in.

L e t t i n g i n N e w E x p e r i e n c e s

This means that the baby can feel possessive when someone

threatens their twosome. As the saying goes, two is

company but three is a crowd. In most cases the baby’s

curiosity about new people helps overcome their other

feelings, and although they may initially hold back from an

encounter with a ‘stranger’ they are also immensely

interested and study new people from the safety of their

connection with mum. This was evident in Michael and

June’s relationship, where letting in new experiences and

new people was a major issue.


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June had difficulty realising that as a third person I

broke up their couple. Michael was often very unfriendly

towards me at this time, which June interpreted as him

being worried that he would be abandoned. This was part

of the issue but there was a further component: Michael felt

a strong desire to maintain the twosome. I was an outsider

who threatened to take mum’s attention and force Michael

to realise that he was not the only one in her life.

With Michael’s reluctance to develop and his constant

desire to re-create their togetherness this ‘oversight’ caused

a disturbance between them. One day, having given

Michael a drink from a cup, June sat him on her lap facing

outwards and said, ‘How about you look at Lorraine?’

Michael immediately turned around to see where she was.

June told him, ‘I’m still here. I haven’t gone away’, and said

to me, ‘He’s been a real mummy’s boy all the time he’s been

sick, which is understandable I suppose. Dad’s all right but

if I’m around it has to be mum’. She said to Michael, ‘It’s

okay, it is only Lorraine’, as Michael began to look at me.

The longer he looked the more his face fell. He began to

cry, turning his face towards his mother to bury his head

against her.

June picked him up and asked, ‘What’s the matter? It’s

okay’. She tried to jolly him by blowing kisses against his

cheek. Michael was still unhappy and June said, ‘You’re


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miserable, aren’t you? You want to stand on your feet’. She

held him under his arms and he kicked up and down a

little, but remained unhappy. June asked, ‘Do you want a

cuddle?’ and held him against her chest, saying, ‘You poor

boy’. Michael rubbed his face against her shoulder for a

moment then began to get distressed again. June said, ‘Let’s

try you with some of your toys’, and gave him a soft ball

which Michael tried to bite.

As the situation escalated I felt quite unwelcome.

Michael would look at me and cry, then back to June and

cry, or at least stare and look very unhappy. June herself

appeared to need support as Michael expressed the strength

of his antagonism to the loss of some feeds and my

intrusion. June commented, ‘If he is like this with you I

don’t know how he is going to go with a babysitter when I

go back to work’.

At the end of our time together June and I were able to

discuss what had happened at this time. June acknowledged

that she had let me ‘take the heat’ of Michael’s more

aggressive feelings. When she had another baby, June

observed that ‘I did it with David’, meaning that she

handled his more negative feelings herself.

N at u r a l P o s s e s s i v e Fe e l i n g s

June was genuinely eager for Michael to enjoy the world


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and attempted to connect him with neighbours and friends,

to no avail. One day we went for a walk together and

chatted to an elderly neighbour, who spoke to Michael and

attempted to win a smile. Michael wouldn’t look at him and

just frowned, and soon after began to whimper.

Michael did attempt to show me his possessive feelings

towards June but they were hard for June to acknowledge.

We all feel possessive towards the one we love. However,

June interpreted his feelings as fear of abandonment only,

rather than as possessiveness and a desire to have her to

himself. When Michael clung to her after my arrival, June

pointed out, ‘You were playing happily with your toys

earlier. I’m not going to leave you now, you know’. Michael

consistently interrupted June’s efforts to talk with me. He

tried to climb onto her knee, and June asked ‘You want to

get up?’ When she picked him up she blew a raspberry on

his neck, but he held his head above her shoulder and

burrowed in, almost forcing June to get her head out of the

way. Michael appeared to want to put his feelings into

June’s head so that she would understand what he was

going through. Perhaps he just needed someone to

understand how difficult it is to share!

Conclusion

At this time, if helped to do so, the baby will be introduced


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to a deeper layer of complexity in terms of feelings. Early

introductions to what will later become gratitude,

forgiveness, aggressiveness, guilt, hope, despair, admiration,

envy and frustration will all enter the picture, as the baby

moves further into a relationship with their parents. To be

in touch with the baby is to be in touch with the beginnings

of this range of feelings. Possessiveness and jealousy will

naturally occur as the baby makes their transition from the

world of two to the world of three and the beyond. Such

feelings require recognition and understanding. The

movement from two to three is accompanied by a continual

return to the twosome, where the baby rediscovers

themselves and enjoys the interplay with their mother. This

returning to the twosome is a source of joy and satisfaction

for the baby and mother. The baby, when part of a

threesome, has achieved a wonderful milestone in

becoming a more complex little being.


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n i n e t o t w e l v e m o n t h s

The period from nine to twelve months is related to

movement, both physical and psychological. During

this time the baby will usually begin to crawl, stand up and

take their first steps. The baby moves away from the

mother because of their growing mobility, but this also

means that they can move towards mother and father.

Again, as parents we are asked to see two sides of a

seemingly contradictory picture: we must support the

child’s growing capacity to move away from us, while being

there and catering for their need to return to us. We are

asked to take the mature position of bearing our seeming

rejection due to the baby’s greater mobility, and at the same

time allowing for their continuing need for dependence and

safety. We also experience great joy in seeing our baby

become more independent.

Parallel with their physical development is the further

change in the baby’s perspective of the world. The baby now

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focuses on the meaning of an exchange between themselves

and mum and dad. Moving about has given them a different

perspective on the world, and the idea that others share – or

don’t share – the same perspective can become clearer.

S h a r i n g Th o u g h t s a n d Fe e l i n g s

Around nine months the baby will not only look in the

direction their parents point, but after discovering what

they think mum or dad are indicating they check back to

find out whether they are looking at the correct object.

They are deliberately attempting to find out whether both

sides are sharing the same event. This means that their

attention is shared.

This also takes place at the emotional level. The baby can

now check whether their mother or father is sharing their

excitement, is worried, curious or upset. Babies of this age

become intensely interested in what their mother is

thinking, and they can experience and be aware of their

parent’s empathy. Now they can share their thoughts and

feelings, which opens a deeper dimension. It is possible to

say that they are capable of checking whether what is going

on in their mind is the same as what is going on in their

parent’s mind. The next step is for this to be communicated,

without words. There can now be a ‘we’, something going

on between them and mum and dad.

N i n e t o t w e l v e m o n t h s

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Mothers also show a capacity to tune into these deeper

emotional states at this time. This involves more than

imitation. Mothers tune in to the baby in order to join their

play. Having empathised with the baby’s feelings to create a

sense of sharing, the mother then adds a variation of the

game. The mother lets the baby know she understands the

original game and remains attuned to her baby; the

variation is mum adding to the game.

D e p e n d e n c e a n d S e p a r at e n e s s

During this period, the need for both dependence and

separateness is quite intense. The nine-month-old baby may

cling to their mother in the presence of strangers and very

new situations. However, their reactions can vary. The baby

may retreat from strangers but show intense curiosity from

the safe position of holding onto their mother’s clothes, and

gradually come forward if supported to do so. Some may cry

but respond to soothing responses from mother or father.

Parents can help their child to negotiate new situations.

The baby now faces situations which are familiar and

unfamiliar, safe and unsafe, new and interesting or

worrying and overwhelming. Hence, although they want to

explore new experiences and rejoice in their greater

physical capacities and new-found freedom, they also worry

about this new world. Actually, the parents and baby share


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these concerns. Will things be too much for the baby?

Setting limits becomes relevant because with greater

mobility the baby can hurt themselves. The feeling of safety

engendered by the parents’ presence makes it possible for

the baby to deal with their new experiences in the world.

Real negotiation between parents and baby begins.

At first the mother and father actively created a mental

space for understanding their newborn and had to intuit

their needs, but now they must negotiate with the baby’s

growing individuality. Although the parents remain

responsible for the baby and their longer-term interests,

they must allow growing space for negotiating everyday


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interactions. Mother or father may need to discuss the fact

of a pending nappy change and get the baby’s co-operation,

rather than just performing the task. Feeding may need to

be more negotiable and options provided, for example, a

baby may be spoonfed but given their own spoon as well,

finger food can be given, or the baby may be helped to feed

themselves.

B e i n g To g e t h e r a n d A p a r t

On the other hand, the baby’s greater freedom creates more

space for the mother to re-establish some of her interests

and develop a space where they are together, but

preoccupied with their own thoughts and interests. Being

together but in their own personal space is an important

developmental aspect of the phase from nine to twelve

months. The baby may exhibit intense preoccupation with

the world and seemingly forget all else, but retains a need to

‘touch base’ with their mother and father.

Both aspects are essential in this developmental phase.

Because psychological space has become so important to

babies, they need to explore the world in their own way. It can

be intrusive if parents want to be constantly ‘in’ on what the

child is doing and to continue to direct or control their actions.

Being in the presence of parents who are engaged in

their own conversation or activities, while the baby is


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preoccupied with and interested in their own world, is an

important step for the growing baby. To have something of

their own and hold onto that in the presence of people who

are engaged with each other, is important for the

development of the baby’s sense of self. It means that they

have something that does not get lost or is unimportant.

The baby’s world is thus acknowledged as valuable in its

own right, and the baby is therefore important on their

terms and not only when engaged in the adult world.

I n t e r e s t i n Fa m i l i a r O b j e c t s

Now that they are moving around by crawling then

walking, the baby’s interest in the mother spills over to

familiar objects. The bottle, a blanket, toys—all may

become objects of affection and interest. However, the baby

needs to repeatedly return to mother to re-establish their

relationship, as she remains an important home base. The

baby will crawl to their mother, pull themselves up on her

leg, touch her in other ways, or just lean against her.

This ‘refuelling’ can help the baby to perk up and return

to exploring, and again become absorbed in their own

world. It can also be done at a distance—the mother and

baby may often look over and check to see what the other is

doing. Simply speaking can be another way of making

contact in the situation. This refreshing of the relationship


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is helpful if it is done on the baby’s terms, when they

indicate their need for it.

C h e c k i n g a n d E x p l o r i n g

This involves a push and pull of feelings. The baby wants to

explore and do their own thing, but they don’t like to lose

sight of their mother. If she leaves the room they may stare

sadly at the space she left. Having found greater intimacy it

is hard to give it away, as we all know. The returning to

mum or checking to see her is also intended to find out

whether she has understood what they have been interested

in. As well as checking their mother the baby wants to share

their explorations with her.

An example of this occurred when Damien was almost

ten months old. A rainbow lorikeet landed on the balcony

outside the kitchen where Damien had just finished

breakfast. His mother said, ‘Look, Damien, a beautiful

birdie’. Damien smiled as he saw the bird, then waved his

arms about. His mother asked if he would like to get out of

his high chair to go and see the birdie. Damien smiled and

shook his head as she lifted him down, then he crawled

towards the balcony where the bird was. He kept stopping

and looking back to check his mum, and finally pointed up

at the place where the bird had perched. By that time it had

flown away.


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In this phase, unlike earlier phases, parents must be able

to receive from the child. The baby may wish feed their

parents, to show the parents something they have found, or

offer them something the baby owns. A greater sense of

reciprocity begins to enter the relationship. The parents’

needs can also be articulated. Saying things such as, ‘I’ll cut

up your apple when I’ve poured my tea’ is appropriate. This

helps to establish a two-way relationship, and the baby

begins to realise the growing possibility of identifying with

someone else’s needs. Everyone can be taken into account.

Differing needs do not have to mean competition, or that

one has everything and another misses out. There is room

for all.

L e a r n i n g t o L e a r n

If we observe the baby’s growing mobility we can also see

that they are learning to learn. In learning to crawl the baby

first sways backwards and forwards on their hands and

knees, then crawls. After a while the baby will pull

themselves up on chairs and couches and practise standing

up. Finally the baby will take their first tentative steps and

walk, falling down many times, but getting up again and

having another go. This trial-and-error learning and

practising, which involves a few steps forward then a few

steps back, is a normal part of the process of the baby


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learning how to learn. As parents we need to attend to this

process of ‘learning how to learn’.

Like all the baby’s learning so far, this period involves

constantly revisiting the concepts to be understood.

Learning any new task involves accepting the principles of

learning, and understanding these principles is itself an

important lesson for later periods of learning – basically, the

rest of our lives.

First, in order to learn we need to face our uncertainty.

The impetus for learning is that we do not already know, so

to acquire any new skill or gain a greater psychological

understanding we have to face that fact. The reality is that

we don’t know how to do something, or we fail to

comprehend something. Facing our limitations can lead to

feelings of humiliation and shame, but we should instead

view it as a natural part of the process of learning and

knowing. To ‘not know’ is the necessary starting-point for

learning. If we don’t deal with the state of uncertainty, the

‘not knowing’, learning cannot occur. We can try to fudge it

or cover up, or even attempt to copy someone who does

know, but without facing the gap in our knowledge we will

never learn what we don’t know.

The same is true for the baby. The baby’s lack of

knowing may make us feel their vulnerability as they enter

the world. We can find it hard to sometimes let them feel


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their unpreparedness. We need to step back and let the baby

feel their way through their uncertainty to finding their

own way of handling a situation. Always protecting the

baby from feeling vulnerable, and from feeling fear and

anxiety, is not helpful. Being able to feel vulnerable but

pressing ahead and finding a way through is a great

confidence-booster for the baby.

A second aspect of learning is that it does not always

proceed smoothly. The process of learning may involve

gradually understanding the idea, then losing it and finding

it again. With time, the process becomes easier. Learning

will entail a few steps forwards then some backwards. This

is how we build our skills. Some of us may be quicker than

others, but all learning has to be taken step by step. By

understanding the processes involved in learning we can

understand better the processes that are taking place for the


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baby as they gradually develop motor and verbal skills, and

put together the complex world of relationships around

them.

It is important for the baby to understand that we learn

in small steps. Understanding that they can proceed only in

steps, not leaps, helps to reduce the baby’s anxiety and

impatience, particularly if they are in a hurry to move on.

Throughout their first year of life they are on a steep

learning curve and extra pressure, in terms of pressing more

tasks on them, needs to be minimised. Just assisting the

baby to grow, and helping them to understand how their

growth and learning proceeds, is important enough.

Practice is a third aspect of learning. Repetition is an

intrinsic part of learning and without it we do not

consolidate our learning. The development of capabilities

requires learning, relearning and further practice, as we can

rarely, if ever, learn immediately. In the early phase of

learning we cannot always produce our new skills at will.

We have to wait for a suitable time to attempt to reproduce

our new-found capacity, rather than just expecting it to

happen. With practice, it gets easier to reproduce what we

have been learning.

It is helpful for the baby to practise new skills and most

do so automatically. It is important, however, that the baby

not become a showpiece or a performing monkey who has


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to show off their latest ‘tricks’ in order to get attention. Of

course the baby needs admiring parents, grandparents and

siblings to notice and acknowledge their recently acquired

skills, but they should be noticed and acknowledged in a

setting where the skills occur naturally. In this way

accomplishments can be viewed as the baby’s achievements

by their own efforts, not as a way of satisfying or amusing

family and friends.

Fourth, the trial-and-error nature of learning should be

recognised. The complexity of learning a new skill or idea

means that it will sometimes be accompanied by confusion

and mistakes. Making errors is intrinsic to learning. It is

part of the learning process, as it enables us to learn how to

deal with obstacles to learning and gives us a new

perspective on the skills or ideas we are trying to come to

grips with. Mistakes are not due to stupidity or laziness.

They are most likely to occur in the early phases of learning,

when we are unfamiliar with the new skill, or from fatigue

if we are practising new skills over and over. If we make a

mistake we should go back to a point where the skills are

more familiar and easily mastered, rather than try to push

through the difficulties.

We may be overly demanding of our baby when a lot of

learning is happening, and find it difficult if the baby

returns to an earlier phase. Most babies return to earlier


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behaviours at different times and this should be taken into

account. On the other hand, we can unwittingly deny our

baby the opportunity to develop if we don’t leave them to

find their own way to explore the world and experience

their own developmental push.

If our own parents criticised us we may find it hard to

tolerate our baby’s mistakes and inadequacies. Quite often

babies, particularly first babies, carry the load of proving

our worth to the world. A normal baby who goes through

the ordinary trial-and-error process may seem inadequate.

They are expected to progress rapidly, rather than just be an

ordinary baby who is proceeding normally through the

stages of development.

Finally, learning proceeds most readily when only a

manageable amount is expected at once. A certain amount

of challenge is necessary for development but too much

change and growth too quickly can be overwhelming. The

best conditions involve a certain level of security together

with challenges which stretch our known capacities. For

example, babies who walk early may not speak early;

conversely, those who speak early may walk later. We need

to accept this variation in the baby.

Overwhelming the baby in the interests of maximising

their learning potential can be unhelpful. Attending to and

supporting them through each of the normal stages of


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development is required, and this is what establishes the

best basis for later development. Allowing normal

developmental processes to progress in their own way and

their own time is the best help we can offer the baby if we

want them to achieve their full potential.

While it is important to facilitate the baby’s learning and

to understand the process of learning, as parents we have to

be careful that the baby’s capacity to learn does not become

the main point of interest. The most important focus is the

relationship between us and the baby. Whether the baby

learns slowly or quickly, needs assistance, wants someone

nearby or likes to do things on their own is less important

than the kind of relationship that they are developing with

us and their siblings.

Th e D e v e l o p i n g C a p a c i t y t o R e l at e

Whether our child is highly verbal or physically skilful or

has a wonderful memory, remains secondary to who they

are as a little person. This can be difficult to remember if we

have unrealised dreams and expectations of our own and

would love the child to fulfil them. We all have hopes and

dreams for our children, but our main responsibility is to

equip them for life in terms of their capacity for

relationships with others and their sense of belonging in the

community in which they live. This is the greatest gift that


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we can offer them. If their capacity to relate to other human

beings is attended to, all the rest will fall into place.

At this point it will be good to see how Nick, June and

Michael are going at the end of their first year as a new

family. Between nine and twelve months of age it seemed

that Michael made some gains and that some working-

through had taken place. June was less overwhelmed, and

began to see Michael more clearly. She told me that the

previous Saturday he had been drinking from his bottle and

that he pulled the teat with his teeth so often and so hard

that the milk came out and went everywhere. ‘He can be

vicious’, she said. Acknowledging that Michael had such

natural feelings made life easier for him and June, and that

ease showed in their relationship.

In addition, my presence was being handled in a way

that made me feel less intrusive. One day I heard Michael


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protesting when I entered the kitchen. Michael was at

June’s feet and she was just finishing the dishes. June said to

him, ‘Is someone coming into your house?’ He turned away

and burrowed into June, who asked, ‘Michael, aren’t you

going to say hello to Lorraine?’ She waited then said,

reading Michael’s personality accurately, ‘No kisses and

cuddles for Lorraine’. This seemed to help Michael, who

looked at me while putting his finger in his mouth. June

had clearly identified the problem and my entrance into

their home had been bridged.

Ginger the cat had likewise found a place in Michael’s

mind at last. I noticed Ginger walk past Michael, who

watched him and smiled excitedly. The world was finally

opening up for Michael and not all of it was bad! June,

Michael and I were out the front of the house one day and

Michael went over to the garden and began to play with the

dirt. June held him by one arm as he opened and closed his

hand in the dirt. Michael then found a stone, which he

began scratching as if to see whether there was something

inside it. He seemed quite engrossed. On this occasion

Michael didn’t have to ‘stick’ to June and keep them as a

twosome; he was engrossed in the world as she stood nearby

talking to me.

June was particularly delighted on another occasion

when we were in the garden. Michael took a handful of dirt


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and a couple of times went to put it in his mouth. However,

when June asked him to stop he did, which she

acknowledged with ‘Good boy’. This marked a major

accomplishment for Michael—it demonstrated a shift in

their relationship from preoccupation with himself to

recognising June and her role. It was a nice moment to

witness because it seemed to indicate that a true

parent–child relationship was taking place and June was

very pleased. Nick had also developed a strong bond with

Michael and they spent very pleasurable times together.

However, the vicissitudes of life impinged on Michael as

they do on us all. Michael had become very attached to a

shawl that he had from birth, and he loved to swathe

himself in it. Rusty, his bear, was also a great friend and

could never be left behind. Without Rusty there was no

possibility of sleep. These important attachments reflected

Michael’s growing capacity to relate and form deep

attachments. Unfortunately, Rusty was left in a motel

where they stayed overnight while on the way to visit

Nick’s family. The loss caused great distress, and the next

night Michael cried from 2.30 a.m. to 6 a.m. He adjusted to

his loss slowly over the next few days. On the return

journey Rusty was picked up, but when he was

reintroduced to Michael was treated with great disdain.

Michael was obviously very angry that Rusty had ‘gone


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away’! Much later Michael was able to reaccept Rusty, but

never with the same intensity of feeling.

Conclusion

A whole new world of relationships has opened up for the

baby by the end of their first year and a lot of feelings and

understandings have to be taken on board. To know our

baby we need to be able to understand how they feel, how

they develop and learn, what they might be thinking and

when they might need to be left alone. This is a huge task,

but no more or less than is required in any relationship of

depth. Having been understood, the baby can understand

and manage their own feelings and know about the feelings

of others. This equips them to take this capacity and the

ability to empathise into other relationships. This process of

being in touch with the self and with others is enriching

both for us and for the child, and forms a wonderful basis

for the continuing development of relationships in the years

ahead.


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t h e c o n t i n u i n g s t o r y

All the issues that surfaced during the first year will

have to be revisited. In fact, the second year is an

important time that both consolidates and expands the

child’s development. Moving on from a preoccupation with

their mother, the emerging toddler begins a love affair with

the world. On a physical level this is manifested in the child

beginning to walk.

This new relationship to the world does not mean that

mum and dad are not important. As the child concentrates

on practising and mastering skills and is exhilarated by their

discoveries, they may seem to be less interested in us.

However, there is a strong desire to return to their parents

and share their skills and discoveries. We need to be available

to receive things, to look at objects and share discoveries.

Although twelve months’ maternity leave was a positive

development in terms of recognising the needs of the baby

and their relationships with their parents, it seems to have

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had the psychological effect of implying that by the end of

their first year the baby no longer has intense dependency

needs and can be left quite easily. In fact, leaving the baby

still requires considerable thought and care. We must be

around sufficiently to meet the dependency needs of the

growing and more mobile baby in a different way. We need

to be present enough so that the baby feels secure to move

away from us and return to us in their own time. This means

that they can go and explore their world – perhaps the next

room, or the garden – and return to us when they want.

E x p l o r i n g a n d R e t u r n i n g

The mobile child runs off in order to validate their idea that

their parents will want to catch them and swoop them up

into their arms. Their elation at running away and being

caught is related to the fact that they can escape mum or dad

yet return to that security. They are preoccupied with the

dual task of how to be with their mother or carer, and how

to be without her. In their mother’s absence they will recall

her and bring her to mind.

At fifteen to eighteen months infants develop a further

skill in their relationships with mum and dad. They can

now draw on a lot of accumulated information about

themselves and the world. They can think, ‘I remember

what happened the last time I wanted to play that game.

T h e c o n t i n u i n g s t o r y

135


Maybe if I do that again mum/dad might play with me’.

They can draw on their memory to help them do what they

want in the world.

By eighteen months the baby is a toddler, more aware

and making greater use of their physical separateness.

Alongside this development comes a return to earlier

behaviours, which is a response to their increased realisation

that they are their own little self and different from their

parents. Like all major steps in life, this is both exciting and

scary. The toddler begins to express greater frustration and

have a greater need for us to be present. They want to share

all their experiences with their parents and become very

dependent on our approval.

B e i n g Q u i e t ly Ava i l a b l e

The emotional availability of the parents is critical at this

time. Ambivalence is strong and it is our love and acceptance

of the toddler that helps them reconcile their feelings of love

and hate, of wanting to grow up and wanting to stay

attached. Toddlers begin to function at a much higher level,

learning to speak and using play to work things out. They

can now symbolise and act out issues that trouble them.

They also become aware that the mother’s wishes are not

always identical with their own, so they feel less ‘on top of

the world’. All is not always well for the toddler.


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Two characteristic patterns of toddlers are ‘shadowing’

and ‘darting’. Toddlers shadow their mother by watching

and following her every move. Difficulties can arise if the

mother leaves them, and clinging behaviour can re-emerge.

When they dart away from her, they want to be reunited by

being swept up into the parent’s arms. Their wish is to be

reunited with the loved one, and at the same time not be

engulfed or have their separateness taken away.

The toddler’s demand for their mother’s constant

involvement can seem contradictory. They are more

independent than they were at the end of the first year, and

want to be so, yet they are also more insistent about sharing

every aspect of their life. Although they may be able to

realise that that even if their mother is absent the

relationship continues, this knowledge is not always

sufficient to reassure the toddler when they are missing

their mother.

For the mother and father the demands of the toddler

can be very trying. What is difficult for the child is the

growing acceptance of their separateness. Everyone can

find this time difficult! Gradually and painfully the toddler

lets go of the delusion of their central position, often

through dramatic fights or tantrums. Nearly all children

express their growing sense of self, and their recognition of

their littleness, through rapid mood swings and tantrums.

T h e c o n t i n u i n g s t o r y

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If we can be quietly available to share the toddler’s

adventurous exploits, by playfully responding to their

games and understanding their ambivalences, the child

begins to internalise their relationship with us and verbal

communication begins to take over. The toddler can better

see the world as it is rather than how they might want it to

be. Predictable emotional involvement from the parents

facilitates the unfolding of the toddler’s thought processes.

The unique way in which they approach the world becomes

apparent. Their constant questioning is one way of testing

reality and finding out how the world works.

By the age of two the toddler may face the birth of a

sibling. This is a major event, as their position as the baby is

taken away. The toddler’s curiosity is also aroused: ‘How

does this happen?’ Frank responses to questions and


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involving the toddler in the pregnancy can help them feel

part of the new experience. The new pregnancy, however,

may wound their sense of self: ‘How come they wanted

another one when they had me?’ In time, the benefits of

confronting such questions and thoughts become apparent,

but there can be a temporary sense of displacement as the

toddler rethinks the world to see how they fit in.

Th e O n g o i n g C o m m i t m e n t

Being a parent is a continuing story. We need to draw on

different capacities in ourselves at different times, as we

move from empathy to firmness in response to the needs of

each situation. To do the task well we need support and

help from grandparents, friends and the community.

Although we have the major role in bringing up our


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children, it is also a shared task. Perhaps long day-care

centres could become family support centres that help

parents deal with babies and older children, as well as

giving us some time for our own work or needs.

Perhaps we should view our involvement with the baby

as engagement in their creation, both physical and

psychological. The baby has to be partnered by parents and

this means being met, welcomed, helped and attended to if

they are to truly come alive. Having been welcomed into

the family the baby becomes part of the family. Without us,

and left to their own devices or to impersonal care, this

process cannot take place.


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LEARNI NGTOLOVEL O R R AI N E R O S E

It may be one of the most natural processes, but becoming a parentcan be as daunting as it is rewarding. Having a baby changes

everything, and the biggest area of change for new parents is also oneof the least explored: how do you relate to this new person in your life?

Learning to Love explores the evolving relationship between mother,father and baby.

Focusing on the first year of life, it looks at the emotional dimensionof becoming a parent, and offers an understanding of the baby’s emotional needs.

Also examined are: • key mental and emotional milestones in the first 12 months;• parent’s changing relationship with each other as well as their baby;• growth of both the traditional and non-traditional family unit; and• case studies of common parenting dilemmas.

Based on infant observation, psychodynamic theory and personalexperience, Learning to Love is an informative, warm and engagingbook for the prospective and new parent.

Lorraine Rose is a psychologist and analytical psychotherapist with 25 yearsexperience. She has worked extensively with mothers, fathers and babies,and is the founding member of the Parent-Infant Foundation. She lives inSydney with her partner and has an adult daughter.

‘This book helps you find your own way of dealing with your baby rather than telling you what to do. It made me more aware of the

bonding process that takes place between you and the baby.’Alison Hunter, mother of Finn, five months

‘Learning to Love is an exceptionally helpful, insightful look at the first year of a baby’s life. Illuminating … ’

Anne Manne, journalist and mother

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FA LEARNING TO LOVE 11/10/04 10:47 AM Page 1

Learning to Love

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