BALANCING LOVE AND LIMITS WITH YOUR EVER-CHANGING

MIDDLE SCHOOLERJohn Walker, Ph.D., LMFT

Family Connections: Loudoun County Department of Family

Services

They Grow Up Fast!

Scrappy, hyper & forgetful Bikes to mopeds Goal oriented; Cutting lawns Loved Gilligan’s Island, Dukes of

Hazard and being independent Class clown “Shattered” by the Rolling

Stones

Thrived on attention from friends At any expense

Girls were wonderful and magical

Tried to defy puberty Swim class and locker rooms Love the honesty, silliness, and

awkwardness of pre-teens

What were you like at 12 or 13? What is your most salient memory of that time? How did you handle puberty? How did you think about adults and peers? How about the opposite sex? What did you feel most awkward about? Were you under a lot of pressure? How were you acting like a child, but wanting to

be mature? What is it about the age of your middle schooler

that you like?

Getting in Touch with Your Inner Middle Schooler

Middle School: A Developmental Roller Coaster

A lot of work to do: cognitive, physical, and psychosocial development

Most important characteristic is “uneven development”

Behavior may swing from childlike to adult-like Physical characteristics may be adult-like while

behavior is childlike Lack of fit between adults’ expectations of

preteens, preteens’ expectations of themselves, and preteens’ capabilities

Peer oriented, but still need parents (e.g. values) Makes it confusing to them and frustrating to

adults

“I am SPECIAL” Personal fable (David Elkind)– belief in own uniqueness; feeling of invincibility

You’re not so perfect”: Welcome to de-idealization “It’s all about me” –

• They assume others are thinking about them all the time

• Highly sensitive to judgments/opinions: Imaginary peer group is far more critical than actual peers (who are preoccupied with own selves)

Idealistic: Can think about abstract ideals, but lack actual experience and are often unable to accept failure of school, family, and society to live up to ideals

“It won’t happen to me”: Don’t fully understand cause-effect structure of world due to lack of experience; often feel it doesn’t apply to themselves“

Normal Developmental Challenges & Annoyances

What is Different in the World of Today’s Teens?

What was normal then, is not “normal” now Child oriented Over-scheduling; parents become agents Perfection Trap; school, sports, body image,

etc. More parent friends Fast tracked sexuality Accessibility of drugs and alcohol Difficulty delaying gratification

Internet/texting/e-mail: Less inhibition, fewer boundaries, less

pressure from the conscience, more exploration of alternative selves

Cyber-bullying Violent media Harassment and bullying False self Social skills Physical danger/exploitation

What is Different in the World of Today’s Teens?

Connection and Limits: Our Biggest Challenges

Technology isolates: I-pods, internet, cell phones, my space, etc.

Disconnection from extended family and community

Disconnection/isolation among teens Teens can feel empty and with no purpose

or mission Entitlement: Our kids expect more than we

did Parents can feel guilty, overwhelmed, and

tired

Top 3 Strategies to Set Limits

Limits: Button Pushing Starts Early

Children... the masters of process Who is controlling the mood and direction? How does the parent’s age drop? Who is bringing out the worst in whom?

Top 10 Teen Button-Pushing Tactics (Sells, 2001)

1) “You never let me do anything” 2) Lying3) “You don't care about me.” 4) “You're not my real mother/father.” 5) A disgusted look or improper gesture 6) Finding your most vulnerable area and preying on it7) “ You play favorites.” 8) “ I hate you! ”9) “ I’ll do it later …... ”10) Chronic, unbearable whining

Top 10 Parent Button-Pushing Tactics (Sells, 2001; Walker 2004)

1) Preaching or Using Clichés 2) Talking in Chapters 3) Labeling 4) Futurizing 5) Instant Problem-Solving 6) “You’re so moody!” 7) Not tolerating experimental behavior (e.g.

clothes, hair,etc) 8) “When I was your age…….”9) Collecting criticisms

10) Hovering

Strategy #1: Button Busters: Managing the Mood (Sells, 2001)

“Discipline problems decrease as the overall climate of the family improves”

1) Don’t take it personally2) Exit and wait3) Short and to the point4) Deflectors

Nevertheless; regardless; the rule still stands

5) Secret Signals

Strategy #2: Couch criticism

A. Make positive intention knownB. Give the criticismC. Make sure they hear your confidence in

them

Remember to Privatize it!

Strategy #3: Family Agreements

In-home accountability training Encourage responsibility with teen input

Involve choices Focus on behavior, not person They are easier to accept than

punishments Helps teens build internal locus of control

Family Agreements

. Parents Unite

STEP 1

Rank order the problems Check your gas gauge Convert problem into a rule (Family Agreement sheet)

Top 10 things teens care aboutNegotiate Rewards and Consequences

Troubleshoot

Parents & Teen negotiate

STEP 2

Can You Tell They Didn’t Troubleshoot?

Top 6 Strategies to Get Connected

Strategy #1: Assess your Connection (Steinberg, 2004):

Can you name all of your child’s teachers? Do you know who your child’s best friends are? Do you know what he/she likes to study in

school? Do you know what book he/she is reading? Can you name your child’s favorite athletes,

celebrities, movies, music, TV shows? Do you know how she/he spends time after

school, in the evenings, & on weekends? How does he/she spend their money? Do you know if you child is happy, sad, popular

or lonely, anxious or untroubled? What are they most worried about? Who does your child go to when they are

upset? Ask them why. ( it’s a roadmap for what you can do).

Strategy #2 Slow Down the Race to Maturity

Relieve the pressure to be perfect Provide opportunities to achieve

competence and success Support and accept bouts of immaturity Monitor dating

Encourage group dates Friend them on Facebook Casually meet the girlfriend/boyfriend

Strategy #3 Befriend their friends

Get to know them Make sure you spend time with them Make your house the place to be Get to know the parents

Strategy #4 Monitor the Computer

Put it in public Limit time Check history Get access to My Space, Face Book, etc.

Strategy #5 Insist on Tech-Free, Quality Time

In the car In the hot tub During a meal and 20 minutes after

Strategy #7: Find a mutual interest

Unconditional one on one time Prioritize it and schedule it

Special Outings Handout

Strategy #5: Accept feelings

Separate behavior from feelings “I know you feel that way” “I can see why you think that” “No wonder you feel that way” “Oh, I get it, that makes sense”

Strategy #6: Praise in Public & Private

Nurturing notes Positive reports

DISCUSSION

John P. Walker, Ph.D.Family ConnectionsLoudoun County Department of Family ServicesJohn.Walker@loudoun.gov(571) 258-3071