Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services

Establishing Positive Relationships

Christine Foster, MA, LLPC, NCC

Why is it important ?It helps us feel good about ourselvesIt builds our confidenceIt helps you better understand your problems

A friend is someone who walks in when others walk out~Walter Winchell

A Healthy Sense of SelfRelationships begin with who you are as an individual and what you bring to the relationship.

Examples of important attributes are:Reasonably high self-esteemCapacity for empathyAbility to be aloneAbility to be with othersAbility to balance

The Five Areas of Self EsteemPhysical: How you feel about your body and health.Emotional: How you feel about your feelings and how you express them.Social: How you feel about your ability to get along with others.Intellectual: How you feel about your ability to think and solve problems.Spiritual: How you feel about your religious beliefs or your place in the Big Picture.

Types of Relationships and What we want (or should want)AcquaintancesFriendshipsRomantic PartnershipsOthers?

What do you want/expect from your relationships?

What is Attraction?People seem to use a systematic screening process when deciding if someone could be a potential partner.

Factors that promote attraction are:Proximity or familiarityPhysical attractivenessSimilar characteristics (values, attitudes, beliefs, etc.)

The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship The Course of LoveSimilarity Theory: based on the concept that we fall in love with people who are similar to us in important waysSocial Exchange Theory: suggests that falling in love and choosing a partner are based on the exchange of commodities

Sternbergs Love TriangleThree dimensionsIntimacy, passion and committmentSternbergs Love Triangle

How to Keep Your Relationships Strong and VitalCohesion is the dynamic balance between separateness and togetherness in both couple and family relationships

Relationships are strongest when there is a balance between intimacy and autonomy

Flexibility is the dynamic balance between stability and change

Communication is the tool that partners and families use to adjust levels of cohesion or flexibility when change is needed

In a healthy relationship people Treat their friend/partner with respect and fairness Support and encourage each other Treat each other as equals Are honest Earn their friend/partners trust Have shared interests Also have separate interests and identities Try hard to have honest and clear communication Enjoy being with each other Never hurt their friend/partner physically or sexually

In an unhealthy relationship people Treat their friend/partner disrespectfully and unfairly Frequently argue or fight Have no shared interests Or they do things ONLY with each other they have no separate friends or interests Do not care about their friend/partners feelings Do not enjoy spending time together

Warning Signs of an abusive relationship includeOne person throws or breaks things during an argument One person tries to control what the other person does, who they see or what they wear One person is often jealous or is overly jealous One person hurt the other person physically or sexually One person puts the other person down, calls them names or humiliates them Crazy-Making behavior this is when one person lies or changes their story, or when they deny or minimize the other persons experience. This behavior often makes the other person feel like they are going crazy.

Power and Control

How to HelpLISTEN. You may feel like you do not know what to say. That is okay. What is most important is to listen to your friend, and let him or her know that you are glad to listen. BELIEVE YOUR FRIEND. People rarely make up these kinds of stories. Your friend is probably telling you the truth. SHOW THAT YOU CARE. Support them in whatever way is comfortable for both of you. REASSURE YOUR FRIEND THAT SHE OR HE IS NOT TO BLAME! No one ever asks to be abused. RESPECT YOUR FRIENDS PRIVACY. Decide with your friend who is a trusted adult you can both talk to. That person might be a parent, teacher, counselor, minister, or someone else. Communication#1 most important factor in creating/maintaining a healthy relationship

Communication cont.Nonverbal communication: what we do not say verballyBelieved that about 93% of communication is nonverbal Facial expressionsEye contactGesturesParalingusticsBody position and movementSpatial behaviorDistanceTouchVerbal communication: what we say verbally

Metamessage: unspoken message that is sent or received when communicating; utilizes both nonverbal and verbal communication cues

What are BoundariesA boundary is designed to set a limit. It allows you to feel safe by controlling who and what you allow into your life.The biggest way to establish a boundary is by being true to yourself and respecting your feelings.It is okay to say No to a friend/partner.You also must respect when a friend/partner tells you No!Do not allow others to force you to change your mind on what you feel is important. Respond, do not ReactWhen you respond to what someone else says or does you remain in control, with options and choices.But when you react to what someone says or does, that person is in control of you, and your boundaries have been broken.If you feel yourself reacting, walk away so that family, friends cannot force you to do or say something you will regret later.