Marriage may end but parenthood goeia on

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1) Introduction ‘Divorce’,‘Separation’,thesearetoughdecisionsmadebytheparentsandoftenleadtosignificantchangesinone’slife.Whilsttheparentsareadjustingthemselvestotheirnewlives,theirchildrenwillalsohavedifferentemotionandbehaviouralreactionasaresponsetothischange.Althoughyoumaybeeagertomoveonandcutoffanyconnectionswithoneanother,inthebestinterestsofthechildren,bothparentsshouldworktogether and share responsibilities to contribute to the development ofthechildren.Theyshouldworkout thecaringarrangement that isgoodto thechildrenandmanagetheirand thechildren’semotion.Theeffortsfrombothparentswillcushionthenegativeimpactsofthisseparationandalsoprovidethechildrenastableenvironmenttogrow.Intheheartsofthechildren,youwillalwaysbe theirparent forever,andyourcareand lovewouldbeapreciousgiftforthechildren.

Inordertofacilitatetheseparated/divorcedparentstoadjusttotheirnewlivesandtohaveabetterunderstandingoftheimportanceofparentalresponsibilitiesinraisingtheirchildren,aseriesof3bookletsisproducedfor parents’ reference. Parents’ handbook 2 gives an overview of thepossiblecommunicationobstaclesthatseparated/divorcedparentsmightfacewhenarrangingvisitationandday-to-dayroutineforthechildren.Italsosuggestswaystoresolveconflicts,solvetheproblemsandgrabthekey foreffectiveparentalcommunication for thehealthydevelopmentoftheirchildrenafterparentalseparation/divorce.

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2) Communication betweenseparated/divorced parents

It will be of great benefits to the children if bothseparated/divorcedparents can respect and cooperatewitheachotherevenaftertheseparation/divorce.Iftherelationshipbetweentheparentsisbrokenandfilledwithhatreds, the negativity will be directly reflected on thewaytheytreateachother.

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Conflicts and contradictions Althoughyouandyourex-partnerarenolongermarriedcouple,at some points youwill still need to talk to each other about yourchildren.Sadlyhowever,theunfortunateandsourpastoftengetsinthewayofthis,leadingtothefollowingconflictsandstruggles:

1) Both parents hold different priorities / disciplines – e.g.onefocusesmoreonthegradesandtutoringschedules;whereas the other leans more towards developingchildren’shobbies.

2) Disagreement on executing caring agreement orvisiting arrangements – e.g. the parent living withthechildrenasks theotherparent tostopvisitationduringthechildren’sexamsbuthe/sherefuses.

3) Dissatisfaction on your ex-partner’sbehavior or attitude – e.g. dislikes thelooseparentingdisciplinefromyourex-partner.

4) Discrepanciesinparenting–mom/dadisagainstvideogamesbuttheotherparent,aspertherequestsofthechildren,buysitforthemanyway.

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Things that will harm your children

Whether it is intentional ornot, separated/divorcedparentsoftendragchildrenintothebattlefield.Forexample,expectingthechildren to takesides. If theyget thesense that thechildrenareclosertotheotherparent,theywillblamethemfornotbeingloyal,criticize them, or evenpush them further away.Most separated/divorcedparentsdon’twishorforeseethings likethistohappen,butwhentheydo,theywillhurtthechildreninmanyways.

Threat Leverage your children to get the

things you want from your ex-partner – “Ifyoudon’tpaythealimonyontime,youwon’tsee the children again!’ You should not useyour children’s needs as bargaining chipswhentalking toyourex-partner.Thiswillnotonly hinder the process of reaching to anagreement, it will also hurt your children’sfeelingwhentheyfindoutlateron.

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Spying Attempttoobtainupdatesonyourex-partnerthroughyourchildren–“Whomdidyourdadwatchmoviewiththisweekend?”,“Whomisyourmomhavingdinnerwithtonight?”Yourchildrendonotwanttobeused,orlosethetrustfromeitheroftheparents.Thelastthingtheydonotwantistotriggeryourangerbybringingyouthenewstheyhaveobtained.

Messenger Passmessagestotheotherparentthroughyourchildren–“Askyourdadtopayforyourtextbooksfee!”Beingamessengercan cause your children a lot of stressand pain, and therefore both parentsshouldavoidexposingthemtotheabovebydirectlytalkingwitheachother.

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Criticise each other “Don’tbeacowardlikeyourdad”,“Don’tbeirresponsiblelikeyour

mom”.Separated/divorcedparentsmightbad-mouththeotherparentsin

frontofthechildrenasachanneltoletouttheirfrustrations,ortodestroy

therelationshipbetweenthechildrenandtheotherparent.Theywantto

provehowbad theotherparent isso theycanwinoverchildren’s trust

andloveortheystronglybelieveinhis/herbadcharactersandwanttolet

thechildrenknowthetruth.However,mostchildrenbelievetheybelong

equally to both parents, so theywill take it personally when they hear

criticisms of either of their parents. These verbal attackswill hurt their

feelingsandlowertheirself-esteem.

Ifseparated/divorcedparentscan’tstayawayfromthepastheated

conflictingcommunicatingmode,stayon theiremotionandownwants,

and continue to fight for power and control, all the fightings and bad-

mouthswillleavemarksinchildren’shearts,causingthemagony.

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Resolving conflicts and solving problems

Your children should never have to sacrifice their happiness to thisseparation. It iscrucial forseparated/divorcedparents to letgoof thepastand focuson thepresentand their children. If there isnosafetyconcern,theyhaveto learntorelatewiththeotherparent,sothatthechildrencanfeellovedbybothparents.

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TipsResolving ConflictsThereisnoneedto

bringupthepast.Avoidanyunfriendlylanguages.Respectyourex-partnerandtheirpersonalspace.Donotinterferewiththeirprivate

lives.

Acknowledgethatyourrelationshiphasended,butyouandyourex-partnerarestilltheparentsofyour

children.

Embracethenewpartnershipwithyour

ex-partnerastheparentsofyourchildren,andbuildthispartnershipwiththemutualloveandcareyoubothhavefor

yourchildren.

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Drawaclearlinebetweenwhatyouwantandwhatyourchildren

need.Understandandrespectthatyourchildrenmayhavetheirownwaytointeractwithyourex-partner.

Letgoofoldgrudgesandfocusonbuildingthisnew

partnershipwithyourex-partner.Trytolookforthegoodthingshe/shehasdoneforyourchildrenfromanewangle.Showyourrecognitionandappreciationwhenhe/shehelpsyourchildrenwiththeirhomework,picksthemupfortheirafterschoolactivitiesetc.

Yourchildrencanlearngreatthingsfromyouthroughhowwellyoumanage

theconflictsbetweenyouandyourex-partner.Thiscanalsoboostuptheirtrustandconfidenceonyoutotakegoodcareofthemand

moveon.

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Effectivecommunication

Wiselychoosewhereandwhentodiscussaboutyourchildrenwithyourex-partner.Makesurebothsidesareup-to-datewithchildren’sstudies,behaviours,andemotionsetc.

Agreeononemainchanneltocommunicatewitheachother,mayitbeviaemail,phoneSMS,instantmobilemessagingapplications,etc.Setsomeboundariesoncommunicationformat,time,frequencyandavoidusingwordsthataretoosubjectiveoremotional.

Theconversationbetweenyouandyourex-partnershouldevolvearoundyourchildren,andproblemsolvingbased.

Trytocommunicateintheroleof“partnersrunningabusinessof the children’s well-being”, i.e. to establish a “businesspartner”typeofcommunicationorworkingrelationshipamongcolleagueswithyourex-partnercanmakethingssmoother.

Startwithsimpleandconcreteissues,allowyouandyourex-partnersome time to get used to this new way to communicate beforemakinglong-termormajordecisionsforthechildren.

Always discuss with the other parent for their opinion whenmakingbigdecisionsforyourchildren.Mayitbeaboutschooling,importantmedicalarrangement,orplanleavingHongKongetc.

Patientlylistentoyourex-partner,askforclarificationwhenneeded.

Respect or try to understand the decisions your ex-partnermakesforyourchildren.

Avoidarguingonminorissues.Respecteachotherandshowyourwilltocompromisewhenthereisdifferenceinopinion.

Avoidbyallmeansquarrelling in frontof yourchildren,puttingtheminatoughsituation.

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Have you ever felt this way before? (Dad was supposed to pick up thechildren but he is 30 minutes late)

You are late again! You have no respect forpeople around you at all. If you don’t want toseethekids,sobeit!

Thetrafficwasreallybad,youdidn’thavetobemeanaboutit.Ifitisn’tforthekids,Iwon’tevenbothercomingoverortalkingtoyou.

Idon’twanttoseeyoueither!Idon’tcareiftheyloseafatherlikeyou.Youcan’tcarelessaboutthekidsanyway,sostoppretending…

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You can try this (Dad leaves a message on mom’s

mobile telling her he will be 30 minuteslate due to traffic jam)

Sorry,Iamlate.Goodthatyougotmymessage.

I hadn’t left the door yet when I got yourmessage,sowecouldstayathomeforabitlongerbeforecomingover.Noworries,havefun!

Sameasbefore,comepickthesonupat5pm.

Howabout5:30p.m.?Justsoyoudon’tneedtorush?

Goodidea.5:30p.m.itis!

When discussing ormaking decision about thechildren, separated/divorced

parents should communicate and showunderstanding towards each other.

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~ tl:~-tUH! ~ Social Welfare Department