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Hand-Me-Downs

June 11, 2015By Garlia Cornelia Jones-Ly

Times being tough is an understatement, but how I manage has gone from a question, to a stateof panic, to an action. It is what we do. Manage.

The first time my daughter received hand-me-downs, I washed them, pressed them and voila, they werelike new. Friends with older daughters were eager to give away the clothing they had collected over theyears, and my being in an unexpected position of need both economically and as a first time parent, Iwas happy to have them.

I was raised middle to upper middle class in Detroit. Instruction and private lessons in an array ofclassical art forms (violin, dressage, flute and ballet) turned me into the artist I am today, but art alonedoesn’t automatically surrender a comfortable living. With multiple graduate degrees in tow, Sallie Maehas me on speed dial and every month I feel as if I rob Peter to pay all 12 Apostles. Times being toughis an understatement, but how I manage has gone from a question, to a state of panic, to an action. It iswhat we do. Manage.

It hasn’t always been like this, but since my entire child rearing experience has taken place during atime of economic upheaval in our household, I often find my parenting stifled. I am unable to be themother I want to be 100% of the time because of the looming financial responsibilities dampening mydaily situation. The embarrassment of being a millennial not financially secure and overwhelmed withdebt is suffocating as my Facebook news feed overflows with the happiness of other people’s lives. We

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Nerys CopelovitzLoved this. I can imagine my (almost 17 yearold) son in this situation too, putting off thesorting out, hanging on to the childhoodmemories and decor, hustling me out of hisnew space. Here's to...

A Little Moving · 6 hours ago

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know not to compare, try not to compare, but on some level the comparisons are always there.

There are times I feel unsettled, as if my life never “began”—not that I didn’t want to be a mother, butwhat have I experienced that I could teach another person? What can I give a child when I have“childlike” sensibilities?

I had to sink or swim with my immersion into parenthood; I thought I’d be in a far better economicsituation. In 2013, about a year after joining what felt like a natural position as “mama” and naturallynever being afraid to try new things, I began to explore new ways to make money, especially fromhome. It was then that I joined a pyramid scheme after googling “How to make money from home.” Itwas a rather desperate time as I struggled to build a photography business to make ends meet. A fewmonths later I laughed about the whole crazy thing, because after nearly 10 years at Gap and openinghundreds of credit card accounts, I was terrible at offering Motor Club memberships to people, nomatter how wonderful it appeared. The few friends and family I told about my “new venture” wasthrough a mass of laughter and embarrassment because I couldn’t believe I had fallen so low. I made atotal of $80, and suspended selling and marketing activity after two months.

My patience is often thinner than it should be as I get through a 7-10 hour period with two children—ababy and a toddler—while my husband is at work. The moments where I want to sit and bask in theirdevelopment: new sounds, new words, and an understanding of concepts are often spoiled by therealities of unpaid bills or dreams deferred.

I’m a writer. I have an MFA in Playwriting, and even more, I am an Obie award winning TheatreProducer—an award I won with the Producing collective Harlem9, 1 week before giving birth on thesidewalk in front of my apartment building in Harlem. While my career accomplishments exist, there stilllives an anxiety because of financial instability. A life in the arts with children is more than economicallyunpredictable. Most theatres are not-for-profits and therefore do not have the funds to allocate towardschildcare, although many parents are beginning to fight for that right. With a spouse not from the artsworld, my main struggle has been justifying that my creative work at all hours of the night is part of astandard family model.

I am imprisoned by my lack of financial freedom. In the deepest moments of my frustration, I coddleless and teach my children to get back up “after a fall” more. I have walked out of a room with a cryingchild in order to finish something that may never get done. While I want to sit and cuddle for hours, timeis sometimes money, and there is never enough of either.

Parenting without financial comforts or stability does not allow me to approach parenting with ease. Ioften feel there is something I am not doing if I cannot focus on my children’s education or other socialopportunities because I am overwhelmed with ways to make money to afford those experiences.

Between attempting to be supermom and super-wife, I am drowning in a mound of half completedtasks, feeling less than accomplished in the home.

I worry for the social lives of my children and find as many free opportunities for classes at localbookstores or concert halls. Recently, I signed up for IDNYC as a way to take the children to multiplecultural institutions free of charge or at a discounted rate. In this city that seems to cater to the rich anddiscard the poor with every passing day, I often wonder, would we be happy elsewhere?

When my children are asleep, I take the opportunity to write—in my notebook… on the subway… I writefor that one job, the one break that could mean a more focused and attentive mother, changing ourstatus, removing the economic burden. No longer managing or thriving, surviving … but being.

Garlia Cornelia Jones-Ly is a writer, OBIE Award winning theatre producer and newly Licensed RealEstate Salesperson. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post andHowlround.com. A mother of two, she lives in Harlem with her family. Follow her on Twitter/ Instagram/Facebook @garliacornelia www.garliacornelia.com.

Photo: gettyimages

AlisonAnna, this is breathtaking. Thank you forsharing your Zack and your story.

The Last Stories · 13 hours ago

SharonThis is beautiful. Our family was also formedthrough adoption and I have two sons. One isCaucasian and one is African American. Theydon't look alike! But, once, a woman at theplayground asked...

Sibling Resemblances · 17 hours ago

S Kovacthank you for sharing your story. i wish everymentally ill person had a parent like you toadvocate for them. sure would have helpedme when I was younger.

Intolerable · 18 hours ago

Elayne M. DeschlerI love this story. The writing draws you in andkeeps you. I live in Carmel and would sendyou care packages of chowder if possible :) Itseems that you have found the way to takewonderful...

Clam Chowder Memories · 23 hours ago

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Dear Teenaged Girl in the Crop Top27 comments • a month ago

Justin Udry — The difference is that whensomeone gets hit at a red light they're notmore likely to get hit because of their …

Abuelita1 comment • a month ago

aly windsor — This is such a lovely essay.

A Change in Seasons2 comments • a month ago

EmilyG — What a lovely, moving piece,Diane. Thank you!

Why Elementary School Kids Shouldn’tBe Labeled as “Gifted”20 comments • 20 days ago

Audra Richert Lukaart — "I realize now thatmy son is neither talented nor gifted. Helikely never was." Wow. Perhaps this …

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AnneNJ • 3 months ago

I can relate to this state of constant "being." Thank you for opening a window to thisunending state of dread. It's a strain to keep our head above water while being present,positive role models for our two children, who are now old enough to want moreactivities and experiences, as they should. I never dreamed that TWO college teachingjobs (despite peak enrollments) would fail to offer me a living wage. Meanwhile, myhusband has reached heights of professional success as the owner of his ownbusiness, but it's never translated to being enough to cover our costs. Our very strongmarriage has been tested by one another's professional choices and current outcomes,despite the fact that our skills are very much in demand. But neither one of us can workmuch harder than we do, and I've been a failing magician over the last few years, tryingto invent a middle class life. I'm now interviewing on the secondary ed. market and amfeeling grateful that my kids are more independent. I'm hoping that with financialsecurity will come more peace and presence to my heart.

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