LIBRARYU. S. NAVAL HOSPITALa ALRAWS. NfcW fORK

\

Ogden Nash

FREEWHEELING

LIBRARYU, S. NAVAL ^-10S?!Ta;ST. AUANS. NtW YOk^

Illustrated by Soglow

Simon and Schuster . New York . 1931

ALL RIGHTS HESERVEDCOPTRIGHT, 1931, BY OgDEN NaSHPttblished by Simon axd Schuster, Inc.

386 fourth ate., new yobjcfeinted and bound ik v, s. .

ACKNOWXEDGMENT

There is no longer any question in the author'smind that 0. Soglow is the greatest man in theworldoccupying^ in fact^ a position so solitaryas to annihilate any jealousy which might other-wise have arisen on the discovery that the picturesim, this hook are much fun/nier than the verses.The author also wislies to thank the editors ofThe New Yorker and College Humor forpermission to reprint several of the followingfragments.

This book is

gratefully inscribed

to

Dice and Max

CONTENTS

Watchman, What of the First First Ladyf 19Peacock Alley-oop! 21

The Rabbits 23Did Some One Say "Babies"?

.25

Reflection on a Common Misapprehension 27Incompetent and Immaterial 28The Oyster 80The Lama 81Savonarola of Mazda Lane 83Peekaboo, I See a Red 86Tallyho-Hum 86Let's Stay Home and Make Friends 89A Thought on the Manner of Those Who Strive to

Achieve the Manner Called Hemingway 41Autobiographical Note 42

Just One More Plea to the Sultan of the Metro-pultan 48

Hip, Hip, Poiret 48I'll Call You Back Later 47Reflection on the Skyline 48Alma Matter 67, Mind Aggies 3 49To a Small Boy Standing on My Shoes While I Am

Wearing Them SI9

Ccnitents

In MemoriamHerman Melville 63Lines in Praise of a Date Made Praiseworthy Solely

by Something Very Nice That Happened to It 64Reflection on Relationships 65

Scram, Lion! 57

Reflection on the Passage of Time, Its Inevitability

and Its Quirks 59The Cow 60The Cobra 61Remember the Old Folks at Home 63Reflection on the Fallibility of Nemesis 65Such an Old Theme, But Such Fresh Distress 67Lines to Be Muttered Through Clenched Teeth and

Quite a Lot of Lather, in the Country 71The Anti-Saloon Leaguer 74The Anti-Prohibitionist 75Encyclopedia Britannica 76

Reflection on the Physical Tastes of Our Intellec-

tual Betters 77

From a Manhattan Tomb 78Malice Domestic 81The Roach 83The Phoenix 86Without All Due Respect 87The Baby 89Manhattan Monkey 91"My Child Is Phlegmatic . . ."

Anxious Parent 92

Reflection on Steps to Be Taken 94Money Is Everything 06

10

Contents

Oh to Be Odd! 97Pajamas, Huhf or, Dresset Were So Nice 98The Judge 99Ha! Original Sin! 100

11

PUBLISHER'S FOREWORD

The public response to Mr. Nash's previous book,Hard Lines, was so indignant that it seemed notquite safe to issue a second volume without at leastattempting to justify its extraordinary contents.The publishers made every effort to communicatewith the author, but failed repeatedly to eliciteither an explanation or an apology. Members ofthe young man's family, however, were goodenough to supply a stenographic transcript ofhis last public appearance, which is herewithappended.(The office of Dr. Durfee, the emment neurologist.Mr. Nash, a patient, has JTist entered. Dr. Durfeeis somewhat taken aback at tlie sight of a masculinepatient, hut prepares to make the best of hisplight. )Dr. Durfee^Well sir, what seems to be the

trouble.'*

Mr. NashI get things mixed up.Dr. DurfeeCome, come ! That \\dll never do.Mr. NashThat's what I say.Dr. DurfeeWe must look into this. What kind

of things do you get mixed up?Mr. NashDifferent things.

Id

Publisher's Foreword

Dr. DurfeeBe more frank, please, if you wantme to help you.

Mr. NashWell, mostly names.Dr. Durfee^Any particular kind of names?Names of ladies? Very embarrassing, ha ha!

Mr. NashLiterary names. You know. Books.Authors. Heroes. Heroines.

Dr. Durfee^Well, well. Are you a writer, Mr.Nash?

Mr. NashWell, partly. And partly a publisher.I'm a reader, too.

Dr. DurfeeYou read?Mr. Nash^Always. And I get mixed up.Dr. DurfeeGive me an example, please.Mr. NashWell, it began with Jack the Giant-

Killer.

Dr. DurfeeHmm, Jack the Giant-Killer.Mr. NashI got him mixed up with Jack and the

Beanstalk.

Dr. DurfeeBecause the names were similar, Idaresay.

Mr. NashSure you'd daresay. CooHdge woulddaresay that.

Dr. DurfeeNever mind Coolidge. Continue,please.

Mr. NashThen there was Snow White and RoseRed. I got them mixed up, too. Mixed up witheach other and with the War of the Roses. York,Snow White; Lancaster, Rose Red. Gree, Dr.Durfee, it was terrible.

U

Publisher's Foreword

Dr. DurfeeHow about Bluebeard and Blact-beard?

Mr. NashTo this day I couldn't tell which waswhich. And who wrote the Odyssey.'* Was itHomer, or James Joyce? I don't know.

Dr. Durfee^You can't be much of a reader.Mr. NashSure I'm a reader, but I get mixed

up. And why not? Look at Winston Churchill.Dr. DurfeeWhat about Winston Churchill?Mr. NashThere's two of him : that's what about

him.Dr. DurfeeNo, no, surely not two of him.Mr. NashYes sir: one, two. A novelist and a

prime minister.Dr. DurfeeWliich is the novelist?Mr. NashWinston Churchill.Dr. DurfeeAnd the prime minister?Mr. NashWinston Churchill.Dr. DurfeeI fail to see your problem, Mr.

Nash. If they're both Winston Churchill

Mr. NashThey're not\ They're different Win-ston Churchills.

Dr. DurfeeA Winston Churchill is a WinstonChurchill. (He opens a book which is lying be-fore him.) See? Science says so.

Mr. NashOh, if you want to start getting sci-entifictracking me down like the Hound of thed'Urbevilles

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Tess of the Basker-villes

16

Piihlisher's Foreword

Mr. NashYou mean Lady Chatterley's Fan

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Lady Windermere'sLover

Mr. Nash^You mean Sinclair Lewis

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Upton Sinclair

Mr. NashYou mean "A. E."Dr. DurfeeYou mean "H. D."

Mr. NashYou mean John Vassos

Dr. DurfeeYou mean John Dos Passes

Mr. NashYou mean Maxwell Anderson

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Sherwood Bodenheim

Mr. NashYou mean Zoe Gale

Dr. Durfee^You mean Zona Akins

Mr. NashYou mean Miss Lulu Belle

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Lulu Bett

Mr. NashYou mean Wallace Irwin^

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Will Irvin

Mr. NashYou mean Irwin S. Cobb

Dr. DurfeeShut up, you

!

Mr. NashI will not shut up. You're a fine doc-tor. You're a credit to 3"our profession. You're

a real help, you are! I'll bet you can't tell theGibbses apart. I'll bet you can't tell the Bensonsapart. I'll bet you can't even tell the Powysesapart

!

Dr. DurfeeAnyway I can tell the Sitwellsapart.

Mr. NashYaah ! now I know you're lying. No-body can tell the Sitwells apart.

Dr. DurfeeWell, Mr. Nash, I guess the game's

Pvhlisher^s Foreword

up. You've got me. What are you going to doabout it?

Mr. Nash^You seem a decent sort of chap atheart, Dr. Durfee. Tell you what, I'll give youone chance. Do you know Ben Hecht?

Dr. DurfeeYou mean Abou Ben Hecht

Mr. Nash {seizing the telephone)Operance,Operance, I want an ambulator!

It

Watchman, What of the First First Lady?

Everybody can tell you the date of George Wash-ington's birth,

But who knows the date on which Mrs. GeorgeWashington first appeared on earth?

Isn't there any justiceFor the former Mrs. Custis?Of course her memory is perpetuated by a hotel,But Hell.It's a disgrace to every United StateThat we don't know more about our first presi-

dent's only mate.

We all know a lot of stories about the wife ofKing Arthur

But you never hear any about Martha,And we have all read a lot of romantic tales

about Napoleon's Empress's lifeBut nobody even writes them about Washington's

wife.

And we have all seen Katharine Cornell or HelenHayes or Ethel Barrymore

Impersonate Cleopatra, who wasn't even any-body's real wife but nothing more or less thana promiscuous un-American parrymore,

And watched George Bernard Shaw with the skillof a surgeon

19

Watchmmi, WJmt of the First First Lady?

Dissect Joan of Arc, who was neither a wife nora paramour but nothing but a vurgeon.

But has anybody done anything about the mistressof the nation's whitest house?

No, and yet but for her the nation would be thechild of a man without a spouse.

20

Peacock Alley-oopt

At the Official Opening of the New WaldorfAstoria

Every newspaper in town sang a front pageGloria.

Such fervent hurrahsCould hardly have been occasioned by the opening

of a subway from Times Square to Venus orMars.

The ceremony was enacted in the presence of ahandpicked handful of twelve thousandguests

Among whom it is safe to assume there was oneofficial of Wanamaker's but none of the salesforce of Altman's or Best's.

The President of the Waldorf Astoria, Mr. LuciusBoomer,

Charmed everyone by being in rare good humor,And the President of the United States, Mr.

Herbert Hoover,Not to be outdone in any such maneuver.Without mentioning beer added to the general en-

joymentBy declaring over the radio that the construction

of the Waldorf Astoria had done much toalleviate unemployment,

91

Peacock Alley-oop!

And editorial writers and photographers etceteraattained new heights of dizziness

In informing the public of the simple fact thatanother hotel was ready for business,

And so much was said about the far-famed hos-pitality of the Waldorf

That any naive listener must have imagined thatthe old custom of a hotel charging for room,board and extras was going to be caldorf

.

Well, Naive Listener, if you really believe it is,and act on your belief you'll probably end upin prison,

Because it ison.

ess

The Rabbits

Here's a verse about rabbitsThat doesn't mention their habits.

es

Did Some One Say "Babies''?

Everybody who has a baby thinks everybody whohasn't a baby ought to have a baby,

Which accounts for the success of such plays asThe Irish Rose of Abie,

The idea apparently being that just by beingfruitful

You are doing something beautful,Which if it is trueMeans that the common housefly is several mil-

lion times more beautiful than me or you.Also, everybody who hasn't a baby thinks it cor-

rect to give tongueTo ecstatic phrases and clauses at the sight of

other people's young,As if all their life they had been counting the

days, hours and minutesTill the Big Moment when they were privileged

to watch Sister discolor her bib withowwange duice, tawwots and spinutes.

It is probably heresyTo say that the whole thing looks like a gigantic

world-wide consperesyBut how else can you explainEverybody's going around with babies on the

brainAnd at the sight of a baby, going perfectly wild,

Did Some One Say "Babies*'?

When it's common if unexpressed knowledge thatthere is nothing more boring than a veryyoung child?

Who is responsible for this propaganda that fiUsall our houses from their attics to theirkitchens ?

Is it the perambulator trust or the safety pinmanufacturers or the census takers or theobstetritchens ?

Why do we continue not only to be hoodwinkedby them but even lend ourselves to furtheringtheir plots

By all the time talking about how nice it is tohave a houseful of tots?

Men and women everywhere would have a lotmore chance of acquiring recreation andfame and financial independence

If they didn't have to spend most of their timeand money tending and supporting two orthree unattractive descendants.

We could soon upset this kettle of fish, forsooth.If every adult would only come out and tell every

other adult the truth.

To arms, adults ! Kindle the beacon fires

!

Women, do you want to be nothing but dams?Men, do you want to be nothing but sires?

To arms, President Hoover! Call out the com-missions, the army, the navy, the marines,

the militia, the cadets and the middies.Down with the kiddies

!

Reflection on a Common Misapprehension

So MANY really nice ladies are overjoyedTo be thought hard-boiled when as a matter of

fact they are only Freud.

7

Incompetent and Immaterial

There was a lady loved a gentBut her reward was meager.Said her gentleman friend to liis gentlemen friendsThe lady's over eager.

There was a lady loved a gent,She held her backbone rigid.Said her gentleman friend to his gentlemen friendsThe lady's far too frigid.)85

Incompetent and Immaterial

There was a lady loved herselfBut equipped with Cold and Hot.Said her gentlemen friends to their gentlemen

friends

Whatever it is, she's got.

Oh let us laugh at the lines above,Less precious than pearls and rubies

Telling the ladies what ladies know,That gentlemen all are boobies.

9

The Oyster

The oyster's aConfusing suitor;It's masc, and fern.,And even neuter.But whether husband,Pal, or wife.

It leads a soothingSort of life.I'd like to beAn oyster, say,In August, June,July, or May.

80

The Lama

The one-1 lama,He's a priest.

The two-1 llama,He's a beast.

And I will betA silk pajamaThere isn't anyThree-l lllama.*

The author's attention has been called to a type of confla-gration known as a three-alarmer. Pooh.

SI

Savonarola of Mazda Lane

Perhaps it is a little late in the decade to cele-brate Mr. Walter Winchell

Since for several years he has made the Mirror andseveral out-of-town newspapers in which heis syndicated a Monday morning essinchell,

But he is a highly significant item of contempo-rary Americana

And I think we should try him on our plana.He is, for instance, the storkOf New York.You may get married and think you've circum-

vented the hoodoo,But you haven't, and he knows it before you do.The reportorial activities of WalterDo not cease at the altar,But, whether by excercise of his ingenuity or by

payment of a premium.He seems also to get in on the epithalemium.You deem your nuptial couch inviolate, then sud-

denly Lo and Beehold

!

You've been keyholed.The news may be phrased in phrases too reconditeTo be intelligible to anybody but a Broadway and

Forty-secondite,Nevertheless

SS

Savonarola of Mazda Lane

The whole world knows in October that an heirwill in July your union bless.

In fact, should you be in Mr. Winchell's Who'sWho,

Nothing about you is taboo.Men, do you regularly stay up until daylightUnder the impression that you are thereby crash-

ing the elite.'*Do you think you can join the ne plus ultraBy playing one night stands as an adultra?Mr. Winchell says nay,And you will roue the day.Ladies, do you think because you're married to

a tedious New York Stuyvesant or VirginiaLee or Boston Bigelow

You can quietly spend your evenings playingaround with a gigolo?

Do you think you are safe because nobody canclass you as polyandrous

Without being slandrous.'*Your prestige is not sufficiently awesome and

solemnTo keep you out of that illegintimate column.Mr. Winchell is one of God's scourgesTo those with extra-mural urges.So bravo then for Mr. Winchell, without whose

chronicle of current peccadillos

A lot more of the right people would be this eve-ning on the wrong pillows.

Si.

Peekaboo, I See a Red

The results of the patriotic activities of theD. A. R. might not be so minus

Were the ladies not troubled by sinus.Alas, every time they try to put people who don't

agree with them on the stand as defendantsThey find themselves troubled by the sinus of the

Declaration of Independence.

36

TaUyho'Hum

Have you ever gone visiting for a weekend ofravelry

Only to find yourself surrounded by the Cavalry?Not regular cavalry like Huzzars or Lancers or

Northwest Mounted Police,But people who actually ride horses for pleasure

in times of peace.

People who expose themselves gratis to risks forwhich we pay the Lancer, the Huzzar andthe Mountie,

People who recover from a broken rib at Meadow-brook in time to fracture a vertebra at Pea-pack which will just be knitting when theysplit a collarbone in Harford County,

People who otherwise may be cynics and stoics,But go yowling berserk whenever the cheerleader

says "Yoicks !"

Well, you can take the word of an old mossbackWho's never been on hossback,It's very hard to chatWith people like that,Because they are not very interested in talking

about the screen or the stage or the latestbest-selling book or dud book.

All they want to ta^k about is the Stud book,

36

Tallyho-Hum

And willy nillyYou've got to hear about the children of the ch. f.,And if you think you can safely join in a family

conversation, Dear me,The mirth that you provoke when you ask after

the children of the b. g.

!

On such seas you are indeed a ship without arudder

If like myself you do not know a hock from a girthor a wither from an udder,

And you will feel about horses, even those bornand bred in Old Kentucky,

Much as you do about streptocucci.

37

Lefs Stay Home and Make Friends

May I give you a one-word comment on the aver-age revue?

Pew!Goodness sakes, couldn't they be a little less

anatomicalAnd a little more comical?Couldn't they have a few more jestsAnd a few less breasts?Must they consist of nothing but scenes such as

may be observed at the Zoo in the monkey- oryak-house,

And revelry suggestive less of Bacchus than thebackhouse?

Must all theif skits on I'amourBe fished from the sour?Can the producers think of no subtler way of eas-

ing themselves into Isottas and their girl-friends into sables

Than by luring a lot of people to pay a lot ofmoney to look at a lot of other peoples'nabels ?

The undersigned obviously stands in strong needof a physic

If he is expected to find the above mentioned anaphrodysic.

39

Let*^ Stay Home arid Make Friends

Not that he proposes that all of our spectacularextravaganzas

Should be of the type that could be legally pre-sented in Wichita, Kansas

;

Not that he insists that the female form shouldbe fenced off as something of unmentionablesacredness

;

Only that he believes that a bare finger in pri-vate is fraught with more significance thanany amount of public nacredness.

4

A Thought on the Manner of Those WhoStrive to Achieve the Manner Called

Hemingway

Some bGets pi

His dictionDon't make good fiction.

il

Autobiographical Note

I WAS a studentWho cudentSee any more difference between studying and

sleeping

Than there is between A. S. M. Hutchinson andWarwick Deeping.

As a resultI was always getting expult.

JiLst One More Plea to the Sultan of theMetropultan

Dear Mr. Gatti CassazzaCouldn't you, wizout too much bozza,Import a balletTo interpret the Rudy atque Vallee?

JfS

Hip, Hip, Poiret

The styles that are thought up by the stylists onthe banks of the Seine

Give this writer a peine.Way down upon the soignee riverThey do nothing but invent costumes that make

you quake and quiver.Today for instance no matter which way you turn

you see nothing but Empress Eugenie,Empress Eugenie, Empress Eugenie,

A costume which may look pretty well on a veryfew but looks terrible on a great many.

You can tell me Eugenie was a very fine empressBut in spite of all the rumors I can't believe she

was much of a tempress,Because I rather think that any one she was

tempting would have laughedThe first time he beheld her aft,Which, even though it were her specialte de maisonMust have removed much of the romance from a

liaison.

And that'sNot the worst. Look at the hats

!

Getting feathers in your ears and yout noseIs the least of your woes

;

Girls who used to be beautiful Mona Lisas45

Hip, Hip, Poiret

Walk the avenue looking like One-eyed Connelisas.Yes, the latest from ParisWould make a good comedy for Lee or Jake Shu-

bert or Sam H. Harris,But as examples of allureThey do not appeal to this reviewer.

46

ril Call You Back Later

When you describe people as their various van-ities require,

Critics classify you as a sugary liar;And when you describe them so that the descrip-

tionfits,

The people themselves have conniptionfits.Why then does anybody write?I'll bite.

47

Reflection on the Skyline

The Empire State of Mr. Al SmithExceeds Mr. Chrysler's in height by nearly 1/5But the ChryslierShines nicelier.

^8

Alma Matter 67, Mind Aggies 3

Few booksellersCan afford de luxe cellars,But purveyors to thirstsOwn Galsworthy firsts.

A9

To a Small Boy Standing on My Shoes WhileI Am Wearing Them

Let's straighten this out, my little man,And reach an agreement if we can.I entered your door as an honored guest.My shoes are shined and my trousers are pressed,And I won't stretch out and read you the funniesAnd I won't pretend that we're Easter bunnies.If you must get somebody down on the floor,What in the hell are your parents for?I do not like the things that you sayAnd I hate the games that you want to play.No matter how frightfully hard you try,We've little in common, you and I.The interest I take in my neighbor's nurseryWould have to grow, to be even cursory,And I would that performing sons and nephewsWere carted away with the daily refuse,And I hold that frolicsome daughters and niecesAre ample excuse for breaking leases.You may take a sock at your daddy's tummyOr climb all over your doting mummy,

SI

To a Small Boy Standing on My Shoes

But keep your attentions to me in checkOr, sonny boy, I will wring your neck.A happier man today I'd beHad a visiting adult done it to me.

62

In MemoriamHerman Melville

Perhaps 1930's outstanding literary eventWas Random House's discovery of that American

classic, Moby Kent.

68

Lines in Praise of a Date Made PraiseworthySolely by Something Very Nice That

Happened to It

As THROUGH the calendar I delveI pause to rejoice in April twelve.

Yea, be I in sickness or be I in healthMy favorite date is April twealth.

It comes upon us, as a rule.Eleven days after April Fool,

And eighteen days ahead of May DayWhen spring is generally in its heyday.

Down in New Mexico the chapparalIs doing nicely by the twelfth of Apparal,

And Bay State towns such as Lowell and Pep-perell

Begin to bloom on the twelfth of Epperell.

But regardless of the matter of weather,There isn't any question whether.

No, not till the trumpet is blown by GabrielShall we have such a day as the twelfth of Abriel.

Reflection on Relationships

Platonic?Bubonic

!

66

Scram, Lion!

Gentlemen, I give you the British Empire,And the late Queen Victoria, by no means a

vempire.And the Heir Apparent of the House of WindsorAnd the speculations as to what his sindsorAnd all the photos of the Pincess LillybetAnd a couple of operas by Sullivan and Gillybet.Britain and Britons I far from excoriate,I deeply admire their Poet Laureate,I prefer an evening with Edgar WallaceTo a front-row seat at the Ziegfeld Fallace,I think Miss Lillie is quite a cardAnd I'm all agog over Scotland Yard.I'm impressed by squires who run for ParliamentAnd serve their country for a modest emolument.Yes, I praise their peers and I praise their com-

moners.

Their fogs and faces and other phenomenas;I'm even sufficiently flibberty-gibbertyTo praise their premise of personal liberty.But bo, I'll hand you the whole shebangWhen they start to sling Amurrican slang,And calculate you will lose your lunchWhen you glim an Amurrican joke in PunchFor Piccadilly is less spectacular

67

Scram,, Lion!

Than its torture of Transatlantic vernacular.Then, Bravo, Britain ! and Long Live George

!

Away with Yorktown and Valley Forge;I've a spilth of open-mouthed admirationFor a top-hole pukka sahib nationBut nix on our chatterit can't be did.Twenty-three, skiddoo !Yours,

The Candy Kid.

68

Reflection on the Passage of Time, ItsInevitahility and Its Quirks

In nineteen hunderdJev/nes pies wondered.

59

The Cow

The cow is of the bovine ilk;One end is moo, the other, milk;And but for Bossy, Walker-GordonWould long ago have crossed the Jordan.

60

The Cobra

This creature fills its mouth with venumAnd walks upon its duodenum.He who attempts to tease the cobraIs soon a sadder he, and sobra.

61

Remember the Old Folks at Hom^e

When people start saying Hurrah for such andsuch a date you generally find

That they have an axe to grind.For instance, Mother's Day (formerly May 2nd)

comes in very handyFor those who support themselves by the sale of

flowers and candy,And June 20th, now better known as Father's

Dayor, in the friendher ads,As Dad's

Is Oh boy what a breakFor those who cigars and neckties do make.And Christmas and Easter and St. Valentine's

Day, and, for all I know, the day of St.Thomas,

Are also given over to commerceTill indeed it would take a Chicago detectiveTo open a newspaper on any day of the year

without finding it a Day invented by somelive-wire account executive.

Well, this scheme may have coerced a lot of peoplewho would otherwise have saved their moneyinto becoming consumers

But I shall continue to regard it as one of Civiliza-tion's ugliest tumors,

CS

Remember the Old Folks at Hom

And I hope that all the advertising agents whohad anything to do with putting it o'er

Get all the diseases and things that they havetaken out of the bathroom and put into thefull pages of magazines with a million cir-culation or more.

64

Reflection on the Fallibility of Nemesis

He who is ridden by a conscienceWorries about a lot of nonscience;He without benefit of scruplesHis fun and income soon quadruples.

M

Such an Old Theme, But Such Fresh Distress

There is a woman

There is a vultureWho circles aboveThe carcass of culture

I beg your pardon,Mrs. Dora Schultz Malone Le Baron Van Arden,I've a rush of work, such a devastating plight,I'm afraid that dinner's out of the question to-

night.

Roumanians and SerbsGet on my nerbs

;

Pagliacci Russians,Romanoff repercussions,Croats and SlovenesAnd London epicenes

Oh Lummy

!

They do things to my tummy.Dear Mrs. Van Arden,I do beg your pardon,But you have had Mr. Malone (number one), Mr.

Le Baron (number two), and Mr. Van A.(number three).

67

Such an Old Theme, But Such Fresh Distress

And now your Balkans and things; surely youdon't need me.

Mrs. Van Arden is fond of books

Sometimes at them she even looks.There's a frightfully clever young poet coming

next week

Oh, quite, quite unique.Very good looking, but not above his station;He's invented a different kind of punctuation.And the following week a rather thrilling Pole,Brutal, my dear, but a solid mass of soul.You'll never forget

The marvellous way he plays the flageolet

There's a spirituality about the SlavThat none of us Anglo-Saxons seems to have.In Mrs. Van Arden's hair Titian is now the deter-

minant ;Mrs. Van Arden's smile and her youth are equally

permanent.She is young, she is young, she is young. Only a

cad would noteThe hands and the throat.It's no fault of hers that my flesh begins to creepAt sight of a spring sheep.Oh Mrs. Van Arden,I beg, I heg your pardon.

68

Such an Old Theme, But Such Fresh Distress

I raust wrench myself away from your charmingsalon

;

My genius

you know my geniuswhispers"Allons."

69

LAnes to Be Muttered Through ClenchedTeeth and Quite a Lot of Lather,

in the Country

*'HarJc! Hark! The lark at Heaven^s gate sings*'

Shut up, lark!"And Fhcehus *gins arise'*Sit down, Phoehus, before I knock you down!

Larks barking like beagles around a person'swindows,

Sun-gods sneaking in at dawn and socking aperson in the eye

Why doesn't Nature go back to the Orient whereit came from and bother the Mohammedansand Hindows

Instead of turning night into day every morningin Westchester County, N. Y.?

I speak for a community of commuters who toil fora pittance per diem

Who spend 12^% of their waking lives on theN. Y., N. H., & H.

71

To Be Muttered Through Clenched Teeth

Who would swap a billion shiny new a.m.'s for asecond-hand p.m.

I do not presume to speak for bankers such as Mr.Morgan and Mr. Mitchell and Mr. Bache.

Why do we submit to a regime so tyrannical anddespotic ?

Why don't we do something about getting a lotless dawn and a lot more dusk.?

I mean seriously, without any cracks about sixmonths of night in the Arctic

Because I think if it could be arranged life wouldbe not nearly so grotusque.

Daybreak is one of the greatest disadvantages ofliving under the solar system:

It means having to get up almost the very minuteyou go to bed,

And bathe and shave and scrub industriously atyour molar system

And catch a train and go to the office and try toearn some bread.

Come, let us leave the flowers and the birds and thebeasts to their sun-worship,

All of us human beings ought to be more skepticalthan a flower or a bird or a beast,

r

To Be Muttered Through Clenched Teeth

And a little serious thought should convince usthat sunshine is sometliing to unworship

And that if we want to salute the daybreak weshould say not "Goodie goodie" but "AhCheest."

7S

The Anti-Saloon Leaguer

The anti's toneIs pugilistic;

His uppercut,A quick statistic;He juggles chartsAnd graphs and jiggers;Ignores the facts

And quotes the figgers.I do not envyYour positionIf you opposeHis holy mission.

74

The Anti-Prohibitionist

The anti's toneIs pugilistic;

His uppercut,A quick statistic;He juggles chartsAnd graphs and jiggers;Ignores the facts

And quotes the figgers.I do not envyYour positionIf you opposeHis holy mission.

75

Encyclopedia Britannica

Could I write as wittyAs Noel CowardBy self-esteemI should be devoward

;

I should strut like a newlyPainted peacockCould I vrrite. as funnyAs Stephen Leacock;Could I write as delightfulAs A. P. HerbertI should sip champagneAnd nibble at sherbert;I should glory in beingThe poor man's solaceCould I write as scaryAs Edgar Wallace.But I'd stand in a cornerAnd mutter "Beastly!"Could I talk as tactlessAs J. B. Priestley.

76

Reflection on the Physical Tastes of OurIntellectual Betters

In even the best-endowed university both sportsclothes and decollete

Look quite odd when worn by the wives of mem-bers of the faculty.

Yes, lowbrows are fencierThan the intelligentsia.

77

From a Manhattan Tomb

I KNOW that a little verse is a versicle but I don'tknow if a little phrase is a phrasicle

But I do know that at the moment I feel too tooalas and alackadaisicle.

What though around me is the hustle and bustleof a great city at its labors ?

What though I am hemmed in by the most indus-trious and ingenious kind of neighbors?

What though 227 miles away our President isstriving like anytliing to restore prosperity?

What though a great deal of good is being doneday and night by Organized Cherity?

What though young people are joining forever orparting forever with each tick of the clock?

What though Mr. Belloc admires Mr. Chestertonor Mr. Chesterton admires Mr. Belloc?

What though to produce the Sunday papersthousands of square miles of Canada aredeforested ?

What though in an attempt to amuse the publicthousands of writers and actors and thingsare utterly exhorested?

78

From a Manhattan Tomb

What though young humans are getting born andold humans are getting deceased and middle-aged humans are getting used to it?

What though a Bronxville husband has discoveredthat he can put the baby to sleep by readingProust to it?

All these things may be of great moment to thosewho are concerned with them in any way,

But how are they going to help me to get throughthe day?

For I have had to eat luncheon while I was stillsorry I had eaten breakfast and I shall haveto eat dinner wliile I am still sorry I ateluncheon

And my spirit has been put through the thirddegree and thrown into a very dark dankdismal duncheon.

Why do people insist on bringing me anecdotesand allegories and alcohol and food?

Why won't they just let me sit and brood?Why does the population swirl around me with

vivacious violence

When all I want to do is sit and suffer in siolence?Everybody I see tries to cheer me upAnd I wish they would stup.

79

Malice Domestic

A Mrs. Shepherd of Danbury, Conn.,She tried to steal our cook,She may have thought to stay anon.,But now she's in a book!OhMrs.Shepherd,OH! Mrs. SHEPHERD!I'll hunt you hither, I'll hunt you yon.Did you really hope to remain anon.?Didn't you know the chance you tookMaking a pass at a poet's cook.?

Oh, Mrs. S. of the Nutmeg State,No human shame she knew,Her carnal appetites to sate.Our home she walked into.OhMrs.Shepherd

!

OH! Mrs. SHEPHERD!By hook and by crook and by telephoneYou attempted to rape us of our own.You ruptured the laws of God and manAnd made a pass at Matilda Ann.

Then here's a health to Matilda AnnWhose soups are soundly peppered.Whose commonest meats are godlike feats,

81

Malice Domestic

Who resisted Mrs. Shepherd.ButOhMrs.Shepherd

!

OH! Mrs. SHEPHERD!You ruptured the laws of man and GodWhen in our kitchen you softly trod.You tiptoed hither, you tiptoed yon,You fondly hoped to remain anon..But householders aU, the nation over,Shall hear the name of the lawless roverWho by telephone and by hook and crookAttempted to alienate our cook.Go back to your home in Danbury, Conn.,And carry this curse t6 ponder on:I hope that your soup is washy-wishy.Your salad sandy, your butter fishy,Your sirloins fried and your whitebait boiled.Your omelets burned and your sherberts oiled.Till all your neighbors in Danbury, Conn.,As they watch the Shepherds grow feeble and

wan.

Say "She should have thought of the chance shetook,

Making a pass at a poet's cook."

82

The Roach

I HASTE to hymn the humble roachWhom other poets won't approach.His flickering feet, his apt antennaeHave given great offence to many,Yet I'd prefer him in my pantryTo Mr. Barrett or Elmer Gantry.

83

The Phoeriix

Deep in the studyOf eugenicsWe find that fabledFowl, the Phoenix.The wisest birdAs ever was,Rejecting other^las and Pas,It lays one Q-gg,Not ten or twelf,And when it's hatched,Out pops itself.

85

Without All Due Respect

Mr. Otto KahnIs a patron of about every organization there is

except the Ku Klux Klahn.His fame girdles the globeAnd he is very prominent in Kuhn Loeb.I've often wondered whether he himself can carry

a tune

Ad well as Mr. Loeb and Mr. Kuhn,And thought that perhaps that if we heard them

harmonize Rolling Down to RioWe should realize that after all only God can

make a trio.Be wliich as it may, Mr. Kahn is of the same genusAs Maecenas.He improves the artsThe way other men improve racing stables, cup

defenders and yarchts.For he knows that even in such a rarefied art as

opera, plenty of publicityla a modern necissityAnd that one way to capture a ballyhoodlimIs to Yankeedoodlim,

87

Without All Due Respect

So it's a good gagOnce in a while to Talley round the flag.Thus all in all he has done as much for the operaAs the South Sea traders have done for copra.But he has other interests too : in fact, a finger in

every Pi-

Erian Spring in the city of N. Y.My goodness, he gets a lot doneFrom sun to sun!By the middle of the morning I'd probably be

completely worn out and blottoWere I Kahn, Mr. Otto.

88

The Baby

A BIT of talcumIs always walcura.

89

Manhattan Monkey

The monkey isA child of whim;Ethics mean nothingMuch to him;His Hfe is fullOf fun and zest;He turns his criticsWith a jest;A tailor andA friend or twoCould make him MayorOf the zoo.

91

''My Child Is Phlegmatic . , "Anxious Parent

Anxious Parent, I guess you have just never beenaround

;

I guess you just don't know who are the happiestpeople anywhere to be found;

I guess you just haven't ever been to the BeauxArts or Kit Kat or ChoUy Knickerbocker orOld Guards Ball;

I guess you just haven't had any experience of lifeat all.

So you are worried, are you, because your childis turning out to be phlegmatic?

Forgive me if I seem a trifle unsympathatic.Why do you want your child to be a flashing,

coruscating gem?Don't you know the only peace the world can give

lies not in flame but in phlegm?Don't you know that the people with souls of puttyAre the only people who are sitting prutty?They never get all worked up at the drop of a

pin or a feather or a hat.They never go around saying bitterly to them-

selves : "Oh God, did I really do, did I reallysay thaiV*

They never boil over when they read about sttool92

''My Child Is Phlegmatic . . /*

pigeons getting girls into reformatories bymaking treacherous advances;

They never get perfectly futilely harrowed aboutSacco and Vanzetti or Alice Adamses whodon't have good times at dances

;

TJiey never blink an eyelash about colleges thatare going to the dogs because of footbaUoveremphasis

;

They never almost die with indignation when somecolored person is lynched in Natchez orMemphasis.

No, when they eat they digest their food, and whenthey go to bed they get right to sleep

And four phlegmatic angels a stolid watch overthem keep.

Oh to be phlegmatic, oh to be stolid, oh^ betorpid, oh to be calm!

For it is only thus, Anxious Parent, that we canget through life without a qualm.

93

Reflection on Steps to Be Taken

The human race is subject to many menaces,But none, perhaps, so dire as parthenogenesis.

H

Money Is Everything

Better a parvenuLiving luxuriously on Park ArvenuThan a Schuyler or a Van RensselaerLiving inexpensselaer.

Oh to Be Odd!

HypochondriacsSpend the winter at the bottom of Florida and

the summer on top of the Adirondriacs.You go to Paris and live on champagne wine and

cognac

If you're a dipsomognac.If you're a manic-depressiveYou don't go anywhere where you won't be

cheered up, and people say "There, there!"if your bills are excessive.

But you stick around and work day and nightand night and day with your nose to thesawmill

If you're nawmill.

97

Pajamas, Huh?or. Dresses Were So Ntce

Sure, deck your limbs in floppy panta;Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.You look divine as you advance

Have you seen yourself retreating?

99

The Judge

This is a Judge.Boy, can he budge!

99

Ha! Original Sin!

Vanity, vanity, all is vanityThat's any fun at all for humanity.Food is vanity, so is drink,And undergarments of gossamer pink,P. G. Wodehouse, and long vacations,Going abroad, and rich relations.The kind of engagements j^ou want to keep,A hundred honors, and twelve hours' sleep.Vanities allOh Worra, worra!Rooted in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Vanity, vanity, all is vanityThat's any fun at all for humanity.That is the gist of the prophet's case,From Bishop Cannon to Canon Chase.The prophets chant and the prophets chatter,But somehow it never seems to matter,For the world hangs on to its ancient sanityAnd orders another round of vanity.Then Hey! for Gomorrah! and Nonny! for

Sodom

!

Marie ! the Chanel model for Modom

!

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