a p ol i t ical , l i terar y & general news- papervol c lx vi i , issue 7, 29 th Oc t . 2013

est 1843

© The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Shock as record High of 2% Turnout Predicted

SHOOTING HIGHER FEES IN THE FACE

"Maybe We Don't Want More Pav Fridays"The Silent Majority

VOTE PICKERSGILL NO.1 FOR PRESIDENT

4 April 2013! | News

Finn Murphy Continues to Deny that He is Running for Ents

Despite rampant specula-

tion over the past 2 years

that he is vying for the

Murphy has again denied

this week that he is running

in the election. Since early

speculation this week rose

to an all time high when

he was seen allegedly ac-

tively campaigning on so-

cial media and in person

wearing t-shirts saying organisation of the ski trip

for me was him canvassing

to vote for him for Ents

When asked again at his

night on Wednesday in the

it was still even an issue.

fully to the Ents Race.

Palace all the way for me.

see the slogan is ironic.

can literally only go up…

with everything you need

revamping of which is my

want the same old thing

Some of my most recent

nights have gone down

attendees there on the night

to see what they thought

never seen anything like it

precedent! Believe me when

guestlist.

What do you think is

students from drinking

together in the Pav on

So vote Ben for

sort out good nights for

have a Messy year.

BENtertainment to Crush the Ents Competition

4 April 2013 News | 3

And here comes our much

what started as 12 candidates

less irritating. We would

strongly encourage all

to walk around reading

laughing uproariously at

particularly non plussed

we would like to continue

our sentiment from our last

were writing late into the

Welfares video. Cormac

as he was recently appointed

Campaign Manager for

Presidential Candidate

you are reading this let it

much as looking at your

in safe hands… And now

we will focus our attentions

coverage please direct

favours towards either one

of us. Also to everyone

involved over at the College

what every single society

and iinsitution in college

should endeavor to do;

provide us gents here at the

Quod Dixeunt DixeuntWhat they said around College this week

Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

Editor-in-Chief:Dónal McKeating

Domhnall McGlacken-Byrne's Campaign Manager:Cormac Shine

Copy Editor:Glen Byrne

Senior Writer:Hugh Guidera

Writers:Anna SheehanConor CrummeyPaul Corcoran

Cartoonist:Eoin Kelleher

SWAG: Jack Toner

#1 Fan:Partick Geohegan

Asian Correspondent: Ricky McCormick

The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may !nd the contents of The Piranha to be o"ensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a quali!ed professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are !ctional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater !sh that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the O#ce of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not re$ective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

“I can’t believe how quickly they forgot

about that whole wanking thing…”

“This is a good day for students”

end of his reign

“I thought the Leadership Race

was just the British people”

“Oh come on, they can’t just make

it that easy”

1993

spare rod; child remains unspoiled.

1879

Will Dunne forms his views on

the role of women in society.

Surprise and delight among

propose a more transparent and

Notes from the Throne

“What if I don’t want Pav Fridays

resurrected?”

“I just want to make their

dreams come true on the

“What is the SU?”

4 April 2013! | News

We found Aleksandra in the

Arts Block amongst the other

to get inside the head of

fresher in many years to

them all.

know where the Ed Birks

candidates and showing the

afraid to call a spade a spade;

college is indeed physically

to call out these systemic

what we need to revolutionise

Would other candidates

of an approach to the Ents

even entail. Why pander to

the older clientele and their

she says with a smile.

A freshman student for a

fresh approach to Ents.

An interview with Fresher and Ents Candidate, Aleksandra Giersz

considered the preserve

of a privileged elite; Ryan

thorough and wet in their

splashing upon the shores

hailing from a private

school on the north side of

sound to minorities and a

disadvantaged groups in

the scheme aimed to do

“to the scummers who

lo the results are rich to

shatter the stranglehold

that candidates from posh

outside of the city to those

tells us in an interview

hear so much from the

the Reynolds of this world

Calthorpes and the

Pickersgills to speak for the

touch with the “common

with the Pickersgill Estate

unruly with the thistle when

plans to work closely

make the institution more

inclusive of those from

village green. “Can any

man read the poetry or

prose of Siegfried Sassoon

and fail to feel the passions

rise when he talks of the

the melodious yap of the

is a paradise on earth; it

than a common vengeance

proposed policy of ‘cross-

classes were “voluminous

“slumming it with the less

his primary goal in the

need a strong voice to enact

the will of the people; vox

populi vox dei

connection with the most

disadvantaged students

is the most important

sociology and politics for

he tells us.

is what has guided him

with the revolutionary

Pickersgill for change. Pick

chance for the little fellow.

4 April 2013 News | 5

Students Excited about Stuttering Little Nerd’s “Strategic Plan”

Byrne came in for harsh

many pointed out that his

proposal to introduce a

of social media. Now former

rival candidate Neil Cronin

pointed stated pointedly:

surfaced detailing how the

of great student interaction

candidate.

one to take such criticism

of policies designed to prove

faceless generic straight

1.

every student.

2.

shops on campus.

3.

Walkman.

4.

McAteer.

Runners with lights on

them for scholars.

Booking pop superstars

Ball.

7. Working with the

to install pay phones

international calling

cards for international

students.

8.

for northern students to

for punts.

9. Providing for the sale

shop.

Banning the sale of

until Nelson Mandela is

set free.

11. Restricting the sale of

down in the Belgium

hacky “four year strategic

two student issues which

and hip. So professional.

connecting with our union -

not stale and arcane ideas

wrapped up in a fog of long-

O Maolmaodhara was

of effecting any real change

Domhnall says “not too

simply stated: “Completely

little gimp without the

fucking smile. Shut the fuck

Shut up.

1 November 2012 Letters | 6

turmoil last night after

that Welfare Candidate

who starred alongside Will

cinema screens in recent

that he had moved into the

things.

he had wished to leave

discover himself through

of others. Sources close to

agree with his sentiment that

all human issues are student

smashing the monopoly of

of America on intellectual

Pictures to commission

Step Brothers 2 were really

Mooney himself rumoured

Physics student Caoimhin

the emaciated cheeks of

how can a man think of the

welfare of others when so

tossed to the wayside with

can our welfare rest upon

perhaps somewhat rash

given how far Mooney has

with his rosy cheeks.

Mooney is merely skinny

the welfare position.

or raising mental health

awareness; there remains

the serious issue of condom

strength to hand out

condoms to freshers. When

this the candidate we want

funny catchphrases to the

But what gives him the

of whom we have also

do we have enough details

of their personality to tailor

displeasure at the recent

phenomenon which has

legend.

Vote Mooney to look after

himself and to look after

you too.

McFadden Stands

Down in Disgrace

after Allegations

of Being Actor

John C. Reilly

Ian Mooney, 'Moon 4 de Poon'

Students Delighted with Surprise Joke

Campaign by PJ Maloney

annoyance this year at the

a la

running for Communications

commented SS Zoology

piss with his lack of campus

worried that Maloney

was struggling with the

Samuel Riggs has achieved

success in his campaign so

controversial approach to the

Communications Race. Most

this year have swayed little

to have thrown convention

to his long hair this year in

his novel approach of having

what students are calling

What this approach involves

in contrast to the Riggs

approach. Where Riggs

his own policies talk for

these policies are we have

struggled to decipher

relief when the Wednesday

came around with still no

Moloney has coordinated

“the sincere candidate with

and electoral integrity reigns

page and a cover photo

asking you to vote for him

cleverly satirising those who

is the core message of his

plastering them on posters

across the Arts Block or

indeed even on his own

only potential source of

The Face of Poon

1 November 2012 Opinion | 7

realised that in such a homogenous

campus where homely characters

his campaign picture to him in full

political analyst Patrick Prendergast

catastrophic political miscalculation

post after pictures emerged last week

of him getting a tattoo on his chest

and comments from Riggs were

Der Spiegel in which he denounced

suggestions that he plans to use his

to actively suppress free speech.

hours after Riggs was forced to

clarify the meaning of his new

With his direct opponent for the

per se with the idea of a

candidate having his own military

or destroy campaign materials of

through which to intimidate all

students not as Aryan as myself-

Schmuel Riggs, 'Riech Die Vot'

grand. Anyway do you have a

second like haha yeah. Anyway

actually running for president now.

entendre going on there on two

Why You Should Vote for Someone You Don’t LikeBy a fresher you don’t know (and instinctively don’t like)

1 November 2012! | Lifestyle

FEATURING

wednesday 7.30pm, GMB