LORD OF THE RINGS ABRIDGED or THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BANANA PEELBY EVAN ASH

(A college dorm room. Items of LOTR importance are plastered on the walls, DVD and pizza boxes litter the floor.)

DAVE: Ugh…(Dave takes out a tape recorder.) Lord of the Rings Mega-Marathon 2015. Entry 45. Hour 9. We have reached the halfway point of Return of the King. Rick has eaten himself into a pizza sweat. Jimmy is in a catatonic state and on his 13th Mountain Dew.

JIMMY: Dave, we need to do something different. We’ve watched these movies without fail every year since sophomore year of high school.

RICK: Yeah, dude. Even the extended editions. I’ve had to swill so much caffiene that I don’t even know which way is up anymore.

JIMMY: You know what would be cool?

DAVE/RICK: What?

JIMMY: My sophomore year, I saw a play where these three friends tried to perform all the works of Shakespeare in two hours. They did really funny stuff like a cooking show, and a football game, and a lot of gender-bending…

RICK: Dave, wasn’t your girlfriend in that?

DAVE: Oh yeah, yeah. That show was hilarious. They made a joke about lyme disease and there was a dude in the audience who had it. Too soon, too soon.

JIMMY: Well, we should do that. We can call it...Lord of the Rings Abridged.

RICK: Dude, Peter Jackson is gonna sue our ass off!

JIMMY: Relax, dude...We won’t use a ring. We’ll find something else.

DAVE: What about a banana?

RICK/JIMMY: (Incredulously.) A banana?

DAVE: Yeah...we can call it...The Fellowship of the Banana!

JIMMY: OR we could do one of those cool combined titles! (Bad fake announcer voice) THE LORD OF THE RINGS ABRIDGED OR THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BANANA!

RICK: That sounds pretentious as hell.

JIMMY: Your mom’s pretentious.

DAVE: Dude, what are you, fourteen? Grow up.

RICK: Guys, we can’t try to do a total abridged adaptation of Lord of the Rings with just the three of us. We need at least three more people.

DAVE: Let’s call up some people!

(The guys take out their cell phones.)

JIMMY: Hi, everyone! See these?

RICK: These are cell phones.

DAVE: Cell phones are a great invention.

RICK: You can keep in touch with your loved ones,

DAVE: Take pictures of your food,

JIMMY: (Stuffs phone down his pants.) And even your junk!

RICK/DAVE: JIMMY!

JIMMY: Sorry, couldn’t resist.

DAVE: However, despite these devices having many awesome purposes,

RICK: Using them during the show is really distracting!

JIMMY: Not to mention super disrespectful to the performers!

DAVE: Do us all a favor, and...D/R/J: DON’T USE THEM!

DAVE: Now…

(The following conversations overlap.)

DAVE: Hey, Alison! We’re getting together to perform the works of Tolkien abridged! Do you wanna help out? No, not the Hobbit. Just the trilogy. Awesome! Thanks!

RICK: Phil! Hey! Remember that favor you owed me for fishing your goat out of the lake? Yeah. Some friends of mine are putting together a production where we totally skewer the LOTR trilogy in less time than the movie! You in? Cool!

JIMMY: Yo, Sarah. Get over to Dave’s. We’re having a LOTR marathon.

(SARAH, PHIL, and ALISON run on.)

DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen! Our cohorts in this delightful journey through the land of not-lower-or-higher Earth! Sarah Simonsen!

(SARAH runs across, waving.)

Phil Jackson!

(PHIL runs across.)

PHIL: No relation!

DAVE: Alison Jones!

(ALISON runs across.)

PHIL: But who are you jackasses?

RICK: Hailing from Green Bay, Wisconsin! He’s the guru of all things nerdy, from comic books to graphics cards, it’s Dave Adams!

DAVE: He’s the easy, sleazy, not-very “greazy” king of the couch and the lord of the potato chips! 4-time Mountain Dew chug contest winner and resident CoD expert, Jimmy Davis!(JIMMY does a sort of Nixon-esque stroll across the stage.)

JIMMY: And now, Green Bay’s hottest nerd, the closet D&D player, the man who is torn between running a pass route and running a campaign, it’s Rick Jones!

RICK: No relation!

DAVE: Okay, guys. We have 683 minutes to perform the full versions of all three of the main movies.

RICK: (Approaches an audience member while carrying a stopwatch.) Hey, uh, we need to time this for posterity’s sake. Can you do this for us? Thanks.

PHIL: So, uh...where are we going to start?

DAVE: Isn’t it obvious? The beginning. Ready? Bombadil on three. One, two, three!

ALL: BOMBADIL!

(They exit. As the lights go down, a video screen flies in on which the New Line Cinema logo is projected.)

JIMMY: Wait, dude. What the heck is this? This doesn’t look like not-upper Earth!

DAVE: Uh, how do you think Peter Jackson got funding for the movie?

JIMMY: Dude-

DAVE: THIS IS IMPORTANT! (He shoves JIMMY offstage.)

(DAVE exits and comes back with a fake black beard and an oversized nametag that says “PETER JACKSON.” ALISON AND PETE are dressed in tuxedo t-shirts and black pants.)

DAVE/PETER JACKSON: And that's my proposal. What do you say?

EXECUTIVE #1/ALISONWait, so, you want three hundred million dollars to create nine total hours of film for an adaptation of the Lord of the Rings trilogy?

D/PETERNearly twelve hours for the full editions.

EXECUTIVE #2/RICKAnd you want us to greenlight this based on your previous work of...(consulting a memo) A movie about rat monkeys and flesh eating zombies and an unfunny comedy ghost movie starring Michael J. Fox?

D/PETER: Right. And I want all the money up front, because I demand that I be able to make all three films at the same time.

(The EXECUTIVES walk offstage, deliberating. PETER stands, smugly. Suddenly, three moneybags are thrown at him. He picks them up, beaming.)

(Lights down. Video screen out. Green light comes on the stage.)

(Note: The Narrator’s lines may be either performed with a live person reading the script or prerecorded.)

NARRATOR: Once upon a time there was a great battle. At the end of this Battle, two of the most powerful warriors faced off: (RICK/ELROND walks on, long back wig and elf ears.) Elrond, of the race of the Elves, and Sauron, (JIMMY appears in a black cloak with a bucket on his head.) one of the Maiar. The Battle went on for a while, (ELROND AND SAURON have an intense swordfight, and ELROND is knocked to the ground.) but just when Sauron looked to have the upper hand, Isildur, (DAVE comes on in a cloak and pulls a banana peel out from inside him.) of the race of Men, slipped a banana peel underneath him.

(J/SAURON falling backwards in slo-mo.) J/SAURON: "Noooooooooo!"

Narrator: Sauron demanded a refight, but was told that he'd have to show the banana peel that tripped him to the Valar in order to have another chance.

(Lights go red to simulate Mount Doom. J/SAURON runs off.)

R/ELROND: Throw the banana peel in! Quickly, Isildur!

D/ISILDUR: No! It's my precious treasure. It shall be an heirloom!

R/ELROND: It will grow moldy!

D/ISILDUR: (Gollum-esque) We don't care! (Runs away, laughing insanely.)

(4 run on dressed as orcs, try to wrest banana peel from D/ISILDUR.)

D/ISILDUR: You shall not have it! (Jumps into convenient “stream”, which is a blue sheet and gets shot by orcs, who drag D/ISILDUR off while leaving the banana peel under the sheet.)

Narrator: For many wonderful years the banana peel was lost to Middle Earth. And then, a creature named Gollum found it.

J/GOLLUM: Ooooh, will it help us catch fish, precious?

Narrator: After discovering that it indeed did not help him catch fish, Gollum hid in the pocket of a short fellow who just happened to be walking by. (J/GOLLUM drops the peel in PHIL/BILBO’s coat.)

PHIL/BILBO: What's this? Perhaps I shall ask Gandalf.

Narrator: For many years in lay, forgotten and molding in the Hobbit's coat pocket. Now, Sauron has learned that it has not decomposed, and from Gollum has discovered it's hiding place. (R/SAURON is tickling J/GOLLUM with a feather duster.)

Gollum: Short Guy! Pocketssseeesssss!

Narrator: Right away Sauron sent out his Ringwraiths to seek out all short guys and search their pocketssseesss. (R/SAURON blows a whisle and the rest of the cast runs on clad in black sheets with horsy sticks.)

DAVE:(Flips off his hood.) Okay, I’m sorry, we don’t have 9 friends between all of us. Just use your imagination for the rest of them. Or think they’re in the wraith realm. (Flips back his hood.)

(They are searching under rocks.)

Ringwraith 1/DAVE: Not here.

Ringwraith 2/ALISON: Not here, either.

Ringwraith 7/PHIL: Hey, I heard there's this place called the Shire where all the guys are short!

Ringwraith 4/SARAH: Let’s go check it out!

(In rides R/GANDALF on a white horsy stick.)

J/FRODO: Gandalf! You must help me! There is a great stench in the house, and Bilbo and I cannot discover the source!

R/GANDALF: A wizard is never late...oh, wait, that's not the right one. Um, I'm a wizard, James, not a, oh, drat. I can't remember my line. Okay, let's ride to your house.

(They ride.)

R/GANDALF: Bilbo, why does the house stink so?

P/BILBO: I dunno. Let's get high.

(They leave. Sounds of a large party. The nine Ringwraiths ride up.)

D/Ringwraith: You know, I'm beginning to think there are too many short people in the world.

S/Ringwraith: Let's stand outside the gate, and when each one comes out, we’ll grab and shake them.

All but A/Ringwraith: Okay!

(Suddenly a big dragon comes out of nowhere. Terrified, the Ringwraiths scramble, forgetting their plan to shake all of the short people.)

P/BILBO: Four score and seven ages ago, our great forefathers and mothers and Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfeets-

VOICE OF PROUDFOOT: Proudfoots!

P/BILBO: Ugh. Well. Today, I have the honor of celebrating my eleventy-first birthday.

VOICE: Just say one-hundred and eleven!

P/BILBO: Hey! This isn’t your eleventy first birthday, shove off! Anyway…I regret to inform you that this is the end! Look! It’s an Ent on a bicycle! (Puts banana on head, jumps off box.)

R/GANDALF: I suppose you think that was terribly clever! That smell is following you around. What have you got in your pockets?

P/BILBO: What have I got in my pockets? I wonder. (Reaches in, pulls out moldy banana peel) Well, looky here. Perhaps this is what smells.

R/GANDALF: Don't take it with you. Elrond hates the smell of banana peels, and you are going to his house.

P/BILBO: But...

R/GANDALF: No.

P/BILBO: But...

R/GANDALF: No. So help me I will turn you into something unnatural.

P/BILBO: Whatever. At least I don’t have pubes on my face. (He leaves, singing “99 Problems.”

J/FRODO: Hi, Gandalf!

(R/GANDALF forcibly thrusts the banana peel in J/FRODO’s face.

J/FRODO: Gandalf, is that what smells so bad? Please, take it with you!

R/GANDALF: Do not tempt me, Frodo! Here, throw it in the fire!

J/FRODO: Okay. (Tosses it in. It doesn't burn.)

R/GANDALF: It is as I feared. This is the banana peel that Sauron tripped on. He greatly desires it. It can only be destroyed in one place, Mount Doom. We must consult the wisdom of the Elves. Take it to Rivendell.

J/FRODO: But I thought you said Mount Doom!

R/GANDALF: Take it to Rivendell, FRODO BAGGINS!

J/FRODO: Hey, why couldn't Bilbo have taken it? He’s going to Rivendell!

(Gandalf glares.)

(J/FRODO: Okay, I'll take it to Rivendell. Tomorrow.

R/GANDALF: Now.

(Frodo mopes, then picks up slimy, moldy banana peel and sighs before stuffing it in his pocket.)

J/FRODO: Hey, I can't go without Sam!

(R/GANDALF sighs and waves staff.) Poof! D/SAM appears.

D/SAM: Gardening! At Night!

R/GANDALF: Frodo doesn't want to go alone to see the Elves. Go with him.

D/SAM: Okay.

(They leave.)

Scene 2

D/SAM: Frodo, what's that?

J/FRODO: Nothing. Go back to sleep.

D/SAM: I hear some singing! (R/R/GILDOR saunters on.)

J/FRODO: No you don't.

D/SAM: Yes I do! It's Elves!

J/FRODO: No…wait, did you say Elves?

D/SAM: Yes.

J/FRODO: That's it! They can take the banana peel to Rivendell, and I can go home and get some sleep! (Both run toward Elves) Hey! Help! Can you help us?

R/GILDOR: No. Yes. Maybe.

J/FRODO: It has been said, go not to the Elves for council for they will say both yes and no.

R/GILDOR: Yes.

J/FRODO: Can you help us?

R/GILDOR: Maybe.

J/FRODO: Are you perhaps going toward Rivendell?

R/GILDOR: No.

D/SAM: Drat.

R/GILDOR: Yes.

D/SAM: No offense, Master Elf, but you're beginning to scare me.

R/GILDOR: Yes.

J/FRODO: We'll be seeing you then.

R/GILDOR: Maybe. (Gildor walks off.)

D/SAM: Make no mistake, Frodo, that was weird.

J/FRODO: Let's keep walking.

D/SAM: Okay.

(They walk off. Offstage…)

DAVE: Aw, nuts!

JIMMY: What?

(They walk back on.)

DAVE: I totally underestimated the amount of people we’re gonna need for this. We meet Merry and Pippin in the next part and we haven’t even met Boromir or Aragorn or Gimli or Legolas yet!

JIMMY: Dude, what are we gonna do?

DAVE: Call some people.

(DAVE takes out his phone. JIMMY does as well. Their conversations overlap.)

DAVE: Hey, Adam. Do you remember when we got a gold in Forensics together for play acting? Can you help me out? University Theatre. Thanks.

JIMMY: Kurtis! Hey! Have you seen Lord of the Rings? We’re having a get together for a bit of LARPing. You in? cool.

DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, the reserves of the dorm team, my cohorts in craziness, Adam Vanderbanden and Kurtis Ghostman!

(KURTIS AND ADAM run across.)

(The next day…)

D/SAM: This looks like a shortcut.

J/FRODO: I think there was a reason that I don't like these fields, but I can't remember it now. Looks good, let's try it out.

(Two figures run on from offstage and knock Frodo and Sam over.)

ADAM/PIPPIN: Look Merry, it's Mr. Underhill!

KURTIS/MERRY: You nitwit, that part doesn't come til later!

AD/PIPPIN: Oh. Oops. I never can keep that straight. Hey, Frodo, why do you smell so bad?

J/FRODO: Do not.

K/MERRY: Do too.

J/FRODO: Do NOT!

K/MERRY: Do TOO!

D/SAM: HE doesn't stink, it's the banana peel in his pocket.

AD/PIPPIN: So, why are you carrying around a banana peel?

J/FRODO: I must take it to Rivendell.

AD/PIPPIN: Are the Elves out of bananas?

K/MERRY: I don't think Elves eat bananas.

AD/PIPPIN: I think they do.

K/MERRY: Elrond hates bananas.

AD/PIPPIN: What about the other Elves?

J/FRODO: This…is the One Banana Peel, the one that Isildur slipped under Sauron. Sauron desires this banana peel above all else. It must be taken to Mount Doom and destroyed.

AD/PIPPIN: I thought you said you were taking it to Rivendell.

ALL: SHUT UP!

K/MERRY: Oh, by the way, there’s a farmer chasing us with a pitchfork, and he's almost caught up. Run!

(They run. Soon they reach a “cliff.” They stop. D/SAM keeps running and knocks into them. They fall offstage, and run to the other side of the stage, screaming all the while. They tumble out of the other side of the stage, staring at a collection of Ringwraiths.

(The Ringwraith lines here can be assigned to anyone not onstage: RICK, ALISON, SARAH, PHIL)

Ringwraith 1: Short guys! Shake them!

(The Ringwraiths shake the short people, but to no avail.)

Ringwraith 2: (sniffs)

Ringwraith 3: But it smells like moldy banana peel!

Ringwraith 4: Hey, you know, the mines of Moria are supposedly filled with short people. Let’s go!

All but 2: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Moria we go. (they leave, whistling, and 2 lagging behind silently)

AD/PIPPIN: Why didn't they find the banana peel? I thought for sure it would fall out of your pocket.

J/FRODO: It did! But brave, wonderful Sam caught it with his mouth before they saw it! Wonderful job, Sam! Sam? (Catches sight of greenish Sam passed out on the ground.) Alas, poor friend. Help me get it out of his mouth. (It does not give.) Yech! I think the mold is secreting some form of cement!

(The banana finally gives. Sam revives.)

D/SAM: …Sauron is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S….

AD/PIPPIN: Hey, I feel like getting drunk! Let's go to the Prancing Pony!

J/FRODO: Okay, but call me Mr. Underhill.

AD/PIPPIN: Why?

J/FRODO: I don't know. But you called me it earlier.

AD/PIPPIN: Okay.

(A sign flies in that says BREE . The Hobbits arrive at the gate to Bri.)

(The doorman can be anyone offstage.)

DOORMAN: You shall not pass!

K/MERRY: What?

DOORMAN: Sorry, I've always wanted to say that…Anyway! Four Hobbits! Out of the Shire, by the looks of it. What business brings you to Bree?

J/FRODO: We’re turning up at the inn. Our business is our own!

DOORMAN: All right young sir, I meant no offense. It’s my job to ask questions after dark!

D/SAM: It’s 2:30 in the afternoon!

DOORMAN: Oh. I don’t have windows in this shack!

K/MERRY: Can we come in?

DOORMAN: I need thirteen forms of I.D., as well as a written recommendation from someone who has known you for forty years.

AD/PIPPIN: I'm not even forty years old!

DOORMAN: In that case, come right on in.

(The four short people enter and head for the Prancing Pony.)

J/FRODO: Oh! Now I remember why we're here! We should see Gandalf here!

D/SAM: Don't see him.

K/MERRY: Me either.

AD/PIPPIN: I'm hungry.

P/BARMAN: Hullo there, short people. I'd be careful of that tall guy in dark clothing in the corner. And I was supposed to give you something, but I forgot what. Give me some time. Oh, and watch out for tall guys in black. They’re shaking short people, looking for something. What's that smell?

J/FRODO: (quickly) Nothing. We've already met the men in black, and I'll just introduce myself to the man in the corner.

K/MERRY: The three of us will sit, talk, and drink.

(Frodo goes over to the stranger.)

J/FRODO: Hello, my name is Underhill. How are you?

R/ARAGORN: My name is Strider. But why are you going by Underhill? The Ringwraiths don't know your real name?

J/FRODO: Ringwraiths?

R/ARAGORN: The ones who shook you and your friends.

J/FRODO: Oh!

R/ARAGORN: Don't look now, but the smallest of your group just got a very large beer. He's gonna have a serious hangover.

J/FRODO: (Loudly.) Oh, but waving Sauron's banana peel around always helps with a hangover.

(The bar falls silent.) R/ARAGORN: Oh, brilliant. (Slaps forehead, grabs Frodo and hauls him up the stairs)

(Sam bursts into Aragorn's room.)

D/SAM: You can't have him! (He is wearing a helmet made of a cube of beer, and is wielding a wooden spoon.)

R/ARAGORN: Hello Sam, I'm a friend of Gandalf's. Call me Longshanks.

J/FRODO: But...

(Pippin enters. He is wearing a colander and is armed with two whisks.)

AD/PIPPIN: Surrender or I'll....

R/ARAGORN: Hello, Pippin, call me the Dunedain.

FRODO AND SAM: But...

(Merry enters.)

K/MERRY: Pippin, you spilled my ale...hey, who are you?

R/ARAGORN: Hey, Merry, call me Strider.

HOBBITS: Which is it?

R/ARAGORN: All.

K/MERRY: All of what?

R/ARAGORN: Nothing. Come with me.

D/SAM: Why?

R/ARAGORN: I have to get you to Weathertop before the Ringwraiths get there.

AD/PIPPIN: But what is at Weathertop?

R/ARAGORN: Nothing anymore. But something has to happen there so Frodo can catch a ride to Rivendell.

J/FRODO: Okay, let's go.

(They all go, content, except for Merry, who is still bewildered. ARAGORN stops, confused.)

R/ARAGORN: I think we forgot some one.

AD/PIPPIN: Who?

R/ARAGORN: Bill!

K/MERRY: Who?

AD/PIPPIN: You know, Bill Ferny! I'm not sure why he wants Bill Ferny along.

R/ARAGORN: No, Bill the Pony!

(A loud poof. A horsy stick is thrown on from offstage.)

D/SAM: Bill! (He hugs the pony.)

R/ARAGORN: Okay, now we can go. Sam, every now and then you have to hide behind something so that people will think we have forgotten you.

D/SAM: Why?

R/ARAGORN: Well, you see...oh, never mind.

(The six take two steps and are instantly within sight of Weathertop. This is indicated by a drastic light change.)

K/MERRY: What the...

R/ARAGORN: It's called editing, and, well, never mind.

J/FRODO: You seem to be saying that a lot lately.

R/ARAGORN: Yeah, well...oh, never mind. Here we are. Now, I'm going to take a stroll in the shrubbery, so behave yourselves. (He exits.)

AD/PIPPIN: I'm hungry.

K/MERRY: Well, Aragorn took all the food with him, so you’d better wait.

AD/PIPPIN: But I'll starve!

K/MERRY: You'll be fine.

AD/PIPPIN: What about Frodo's banana peel?

(Said loudly enough that it echoes. Lights down, Ringwraiths enter, back up.)

(The four Hobbits freeze, and wait in anxious silence to see if anything heard. They look up and see the nine Ringwraiths looking at them.)

RINGWRAITH 1: Did someone say...banana peel?

AD/PIPPIN: No. It was the people in the other watchtower.

RINGWRAITH 1: Oh, okay. (Leaves.)

RINGWRAITH 2: Wait, you ninny! Drat, too late. It was this little guy's voice.

RINGWRAITH 3: Where is the Banana Peel?

K/MERRY: (Stutters.) I…don’t…know…

RINGWRAITH 2: Stuttering an aweful lot, are we?

D/SAM: No.

RINGWRAITH 2: Shake them!

RINGWRAITH 3: We don't have too! (Points at Frodo) That one smells like banana peels!

(All of the RINGWRAITH slowly walk toward Frodo, while the other Hobbits run away. )

RINGWRAITH 2: Giveses usss the banana peel, precioussss.

RINGWRAITH 3: What?

RINGWRAITH 2: Sorry, always wanted to say that.

(RINGWRAITH 1 runs back on.)

RINGWRAITH 1: Grab him! I had some water in my ears!

(They lunge for Frodo, and all miss, except for RINGWRAITH 3, who has an ancient sword. He stabs Frodo.)

J/FRODO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

R/ARAGORN: Here I am, just in time to save the day!

(Chases Ringwraiths off with a torch. Preferably an LED Minecraft torch.)

RINGWRAITH 1: (Schwartzenegger-esque.) I'll be back.

R/ARAGORN: And I'll be ready for you.

(Aragorn scoops up Frodo.)

R/ARAGORN: Now we run.

AD/PIPPIN: I thought something had to happen here!

R/ARAGORN: It did.

D/SAM: You mean you knew Frodo was supposed to get stabbed?!? Put 'em up, Longshanks!

R/ARAGORN: My hands are kind of full right now. Can we wait until later?

D/SAM: NO! (Sound of hooves.) I...what's that?

R/ARAGORN: Oh, it's Frodo's ride. Hullo, Glorfindel!

P/GLORF rides up. He rides a horsy stick while dragging a wriggling sack.)

P/GLORF: Hello. Let's get the short person to Rivendell.

R/ARAGORN: Okay, but what's with the sack?

P/GLORF: Just a horse thief. Oh, I have an idea! Here, hold the sack. I'll ride with the short person to Rivendell, and you can carry the sack there. Now, (Fishes out packet of Lembas.) stuff one of these into the sack once a day, and never look in. Don't drop it. I don't think Elrond would be pleased if the thief got left behind or hurt.

R/ARAGORN: Okay.

(Glorfindel rides off, Aragorn throws the sack over his shoulder.)

R/SAM: Elves really are weird creatures, aren't they?

R/ARAGORN: Come along, we have to get to Rivendell.

(Suddenly, they are at Rivendell, sack, pony, and all. Another drastic light change.)

D/SAM: I'm never gonna get used to this.

(RICK comes out dressed as Gandalf.)

RICK: Wait! Crap! I’m supposed to be Elrond AND Gandalf! SARAH!

SARAH: Yeah?

RICK: Are you okay with gender bending?

SARAH: Do it all the time, bro. (Takes his hat and fake beard.)

S/GANDALF: Someday you shall, Samwise Gamgee. And on that day you will be happy indeed, for you shall have...I don't know. Drat. Elrond, I keep forgetting my lines. Can you help?

R/ELROND: (Affixes black wig and elf ears.) Why? You're the one that had that nasty banana peel brought here. You know what I hate about bananas? The...

S/GANDALF: Yes, yes, I know, the smell. It permeates everything. You know how many times you've said that?

R/ELROND: Yes, but the short people haven't heard it yet. You spoiled my line!

J/FRODO: Where am I?

R/ELROND: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Baggins. We have quite a file on you. It seems you lead two lives. One,

S/GANDALF: Enough! You've said that one too many times as well!

R/ELROND: Well at least I'm not gullible to be stuck on a rooftop for so long!

S/GANDALF: Yeah, well at least I didn't lose track of my daughter!

R/ELROND: Well, at least I have a daughter!

S/GANDALF: At least...

P/GLORF: STOP!

(Both turn to look at Glorfindel. He is carrying the sack.)

P/GLORF: Aragorn just brought this in. Let’s see what it is.

O(pens sack, and out falls a bound and gagged Arwen.)

R/ELROND: How many times have I told you NOT to mail yourself to Estel! Go to your room!

Gagged Arwen’s eyes go wide and indignant.

R/ELROND: Now!

(She hops up the stairs.)

R/ELROND: Okay, you know what we need? A council. And soon. The banana peel is really starting to get to me.

(Lights down. Lights up on the “council.”

J/FRODO: Wait, I’m alive?

S/GANDALF: (Whispers.) Of course you are, you idiot. It wouldn’t make any sense to kill the hero during the first book. Shut up and pay attention!

R/ELROND: It is up to you to destroy the banana peel. Wait, dang it!Kurt, can you be Aragorn?

K/ARAGORN: Sure. (Springs up.) That got to the point rather quickly. I thought we were supposed to have some dramatic buildup here.

R/ELROND: Estel, do you want my daughter or not? Yes? Than be quiet!

S/GANDALF: We still haven't answered the question of who will take the banana peel.

K/GIMLI: (Crouches down, catches a Viking helmet.) I don't care that I'm in a Elf city full of Elves, and am surrounded by Elves, I'm still going to insult them.

R/ELROND: Stupid Dwarf.

S/GANDALF: Well, seeing as he’s been carrying the peel for some time and hasn’t been tainted, I nominate the midget.

J/FRODO: I already smell like the banana peel, so I might as well keep carrying it.

(Everyone cheers.)

J/FRODO: But I'll need some help getting there, or I'll get lost.

K/GIMLI: What for?

P/LEGOLAS: (Dreamily.) To act as a poetic counter-balance to the Nine. Numbers have great significance in the fantasy genre, and are reflected in…

R/ELROND: Okay, shut up. Who else? (Silence.) Fine! The gnome-

J/FRODO: Hobbit!

R/ELROND: The Hobbit will be accompanied by his gardener, his miscreant relations, the clueless dwarf, the elf-pretty boy, the

useless Gondorian, and the heir-in-denial. We’ll add the wizard for good measure.

(Everyone is silent for a moment.)

S/GANDALF: My reputation is at stake, because Saruman beat me up. So I'll go with you and try to save it.

K/ARAGORN: My future father-in-law has been bugging me about getting my throne. This might help, so I'll go along.

P/LEGOLAS: I've been bored for the past two thousand years. This will be interesting for a while. I'm coming!

K/GIMLI: I must not let the banana-bearer be surrounded by just pretty boys, so I'll lend my accent, attitude, and beard. Oh, I meant axe.

D/SAM: AAAGGGHHHH! He...can't...leave me here! I must go! Otherwise I'll be stuck working with potatoes. I hate potatoes!

AD/BOROMIR: If the Legolas/Gimli fighting isn't enough, I'll come along and cause problems by trying to take the banana peel, and insulting the heir to the throne.

K/MERRY: I'll go, cause I don't want to be stuck here. Elrond is really scary when he puts on those shades and starts talking about some guy named Anderson.

AD/PIPPIN: Ooooo, looks like fun. I want to go. Where?

(The Fellowship glares at Pippin.)

Elrond surveys the scene serenely: Nine walkers against the nine Ringwraiths. You shall be the Dellowship...of the banana peel. (Light down, Star Wars music.)

RICK: Just kidding, that’s not the end!

(Suddenly the Fellowship is outside of Rivendell, walking along some hills.)

D/SAM: Gandalf, I'm still not used to that.

(The Fellowship is on some hills.)

S/GANDALF: Let's go through the Gap of Rohan.

R/ARAGORN: Gandalf, I have recently discovered that the name is decieving. There is no Gap in Rohan.

AD/BOROMIR: And when did you have this stroke of genius?

R/ARAGORN: My girlfriend told me.

AD/BOROMIR: That explains everything.

R/ARAGORN: Now, what's that supposed to mean?

AD/BOROMIR: Simply put, it means...

R/ARAGORN: Yes?

P/LEGOLAS: Crebain!

R/ARAGORN: He's calling me a bird?

P/LEGOLAS: Crebain from Dunland! Hide!

R/ARAGORN: I still don't get it.

S/GANDALF: Fly, er, I mean, Hide, you fools!

(Everyone hides.)

Aragorn: Oh, so you were talking about birds! I get it!

(Boromir rolls his eyes.)

S/GANDALF: Okay, so the Gap of Rohan is definitely closed. Let's climb Caradhras.

(Suddenly they are on Caradhras, where it is snowing violently.)

D/SAM: I'm still not used to that.

P/LEGOLAS: Sheesh! You mortals must be pretty heavy. Look at me, on top of the snow, la de da.

K/GIMLI: Stupid Elf.

R/ARAGORN: This cold will be the death of the Halflings!

K/GIMLI: Stupid Man. We should go to Moria!

S/GANDALF: No!

K/GIMLI: Stupid Istari.

D/SARUMAN: (Appears above the stage.) I shall now sing in my shower, and make it snow very hard on top of all of you.

(Snow buries the Fellowship)

K/GIMLI: Lets go to Moria!

S/GANDALF: Would you be quiet already? Let the peel-bearer decide!

J/FRODO: Why do I have to decide? I know nothing about here or Moria, or even Rohan! Just because I have some sort of moldy slimy thing doesn't make me smarter!

K/GIMLI: Stupid Hobbit. Let's go to Moria!

J/FRODO: Gimli is getting annoying, so we'll go to Moria to shut him up.

K/GIMLI: We're going to Moria!

(Suddenly, they are out of the snow and near Moria.)

D/SAM: You know, I think Gandalf was wrong. I'm never going to get used to this.

K/GIMLI: Look, it's part of Moria!

AD/PIPPIN: Frodo, didn't you say this would shut him up?

K/MERRY: I think Frodo did, but he underestimated the Dwarven Ego.

AD/PIPPIN: Oh.

S/GANDALF: We're here!

Pippin: Where?

All but PIPPIN: MORIA!

AD/PIPPIN: Oh. I thought it was a mine. Where is the door?

Gandalf: Here. (Does a funky chicken dance, and silver lines show up on door)

K/MERRY: Very cool. Can you teach me to dance like that?

P/LEGOLAS: So how do you open the doors?

S/GANDALF: One question at a time! Merry, the dance is a secret Istari-only version of the funky chicken. And to open the doors, you need a password. Which I don't know.

K/GIMLI: Stupid Istari.

(Most are sitting around the campfire. Aragorn and Sam are by Bill, and Pippin is busy thinking of something stupid to do.)

R/ARAGORN: Well, now we send him off.

D/SAM: What!? The audience just noticed he was with us!

R/ARAGORN: Exactly. We don't want them to get too attached. They might be distracted from my manliness and Legolas' beauty. That would be a bad thing.

D/SAM: What?

R/ARAGORN: Never mind. Be a good boy, Bill. (He throws the horsy stick offstage.)

(Aragorn and Sam join campfire group, and all start singing. Pippin starts throwing rocks in the water, bored.)

J/FRODO: (VeggieTales song) I can be your friend, la la la, I can be your friend, la la la.

P/LEGOLAS: Oh, that’s a great song. In fact, there’s an Elvish translation in the works. But so far they only have the word friend done.

K/MERRY: What is it?

S/GANDALF: Mellon.

(Doors to Moria open.)

K/MERRY: Yeah! Gandalf remembered the password! But what is friend in Elvish?

(Legolas gives him dirty look. They all go into mines. Then Gimli trips over a skeleton.)

K/GIMLI: Ouch! Stupid...NO! It's my great-cousin twice removed and once separated on my mothers' sister's side!

K/MERRY: Oh, that would be your aunt's kidnapped cousin?

K/GIMLI: Stupid Hobbit!

P/LEGOLAS: Yech!

R/ARAGORN: Run!

(They all run out, only to find that Pippin's rock throwing had woken up a giant water beast. FRODO is being assailed by several pool noodles.)

Giant Water Beast: (Pre-recorded.) YUM!

K/GIMLI: Stupid Water Beast!

(Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir rush to save Frodo and the banana peel.)

R/ARAGORN: Die!

P/LEGOLAS: Die!

AD/BOROMIR: The banana peel is mi....I mean, Die!

(They fight the monster and run into the mine. A stagehand runs on and locks the door behind them.)

S/GANDALF: Well, I supppose we're here in Moria now.

K/GIMLI: About time!

(They walk for a while, until Gandalf stops.)

S/GANDALF: Hmmm, I can't remember this part. Let's sit for a while.

AD/PIPPIN: I'm hungry again.

K/MERRY: Shhh!

J/FRODO: Gandalf, are we being followed?

S/GANDALF: Yes.

J/FRODO: By who?

S/GANDALF: Whom.

J/FRODO: (puzzled) I thought you knew.

S/GANDALF: I do know. I was merely correcting your speech. Gollum is following us.

J/FRODO: But I thought he didn't want the banana peel!

S/GANDALF: He didn't. But Sauron wants it, so he stole Gollum's ring, what Gollum calls his precious, and Gollum has to give the banana peel to Sauron if he wants his precious back.

J/FRODO: What a cruel being Sauron is!

S/GANDALF: And many that die deserve life, but can you...drat. Wrong line. Ah, we use the path on the right!

AD/PIPPIN: He remembered!

S/GANDALF: No, I think this one smells better. And when one has a nose as big as my own, they learn to avoid bad smells.

(They begin to trudge down the right path...or is it the wrong one? They walk offstage, circle around, and there is now a tombstone on stage.

K/GIMLI: Stupid Orcs! They have killed Balin! They will pay! For killing all the countrymen that have remained here in Moria! Och! (Gimli descends into a bad Scottish accent, while bagpipes can be heard.) O, my poor family! Sent forth from the Lonely Mountain by that

cursed dragon, they found themselves adrift in the silver tears of mithril! O, cruel Orc-dom! Why must my life be in this way!

S/GANDALF: Shhhh! Wait before you start yelling. There is a book here. Let me read it!

R/ARAGORN: Gandalf, don't you think that now really isn't the time to be reading?

AD/PIPPIN: Hey, why is the dwarf holding the book? I mean, did the orcs give it back to him after they killed him? I doubt he was sitting there like that when he died.

R/ARAGORN: It makes the scene more dramamtic.

AD/PIPPIN: Oh.

S/GANDALF: Yep, they were killed by orcs, all right.

(While the company discusses what to do now, Pippin notices a skeleton on the rim of a well. Out of pure curiosity as to how it was still balanced, Pippin poked it. It falls)

WELL: BANG! BOOM! CRASH!

AD/PIPPIN: Oops.

S/GANDALF: Fool of a Took! Next time throw yourself in and rid us of our nonsense!

(Orc screams are heard.)

(Boromir closes the door, has a suction cup arrow on his forehead.)

AD/BOROMIR: They have a cave troll.

R/ARAGORN: Dude, that was pretty freaky how you said that. Say it again.

AD/BOROMIR: They have a cave troll.

AD/PIPPIN: That was cool! Say it again, please?

AD/BOROMIR: They have a cave troll.

P/LEGOLAS: Hey, I like that! Say it again?

AD/BOROMIR: They have a cave troll.

ORC VOICE: WE won't kill you all if you make him stop!

AD/BOROMIR: They have a cave troll.

Gandalf: Stop already!

Boromir: They have a cave troll.

D/SAM: (to Frodo) He finally found his 'cool' line. Now he won't stop until we kill the blasted cave troll.

J/FRODO: (to Sam) But what if he does what Gimli did once we reached the mines? He could say 'they had a cave troll'!

D/SAM: (to Frodo) Let's just worry about getting out of here alive first, Mr. Frodo.

(A scrim flies in, saying “What, you expected a fight scene?” Grunts and sword clashes are heard.)

TROLL VOICE: Huuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnngrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy!

J/FRODO: AH! Help!

(Frodo is stabbed. They kill the cave troll. An enormous thud.)

ALL but Frodo: Frodo! No!!!!

J/FRODO: Sorry, guys, I slipped on the banana peel when it fell out of my pocket. What's wrong?

S/GANDALF: You fool of a Baggins! You gave us all heart attacks!

(More orc screams are heard.)

All: RUN!!

(They run. They are stopped by a tremendous boom and red lights offstage.)

P/LEGOLAS: Ai! A Balrog!

K/GIMLI: Stupid Elf, no it isn't, the Balrogs are extin…oh shoot.

S/GANDALF: Run!

(They run offstage and circle back around. Two step units have been wheeled onstage, and there is a sign that says “Gap of Rohan” on the steps.

AD/PIPPIN: Oh, is this the Gap of Rohan?

(The rest ignore him as they jump/are thrown across the gap, Pippin included. They begin to run again, and then stop short as they realize they are missing two. Turning around, they see Frodo and Aragorn still on the staircase.)

S/GANDALF: Well, jump already!

D/SAM: Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo, are you hurt?

S/GANDALF: Run!

(They run, again. This time the Balrog is right behind them. Everyone but Gandalf runs away. He steals a step unit and wheels it close to the legs. He stops and looks right at the Balrog.)

K/GIMLI: Stupid Istari! Run!

BALROG: Hungry…banana peel…

S/GANDALF: You shall not pass! I am a wielder of the flame of Anor, the darkness shall not avail you, flame of Udun!

D/SAM: Yeah! Gandalf got a line right!

(Flashing lights, collapsing sound effects.)

BALROG: I’m falling…

S/GANDALF: Fly, you fools, because I can't!

(The Fellowship runs from the mines.)

S/GANDALF: That has to be the stupidest line! Why not something like Help me! or Aragorn, pull me up!? (Gandalf falls. A faint cry of “So long, suckers!” can be heard.)

Outside of the mines, the Fellowship sits in various assorted groups, all mourning. Until Aragorn stood up.

R/ARAGORN: Hey, guys, I think the orcs might be a little upset that we killed their cave troll. They'll probably try to kill us as soon as it gets dark, so we'll want to be as far away as possible.

(All but Boromir ignore him.)

AD/BOROMIR: They had a cave troll.

K/GIMLI: (without heart) Stupid Gondorian.

R/ARAGORN: I know you heard me.

(Hobbits and Dwarf cover ears. Elf starts singing 'I can't hear you.')

AD/BOROMIR: We had an Istari.

R/ARAGORN: Legolas, I know you can hear me, because you're singing that!

P/LEGOLAS: Well, what if I can?

R/ARAGORN: We need to get to Lorien. Help me get them going.

P/LEGOLAS: Drat! I should have copied the Hobbits. But no, I was born with ears bigger than my hands! And so Aragorn picks on me. Take that! (Throws mudball at Aragorn. Aragorn doesn't notice, as he's dirty already.) Ah, Elbereth! Foiled by Manly Man muck! (Storms off to rouse Merry and Pippin.)

(The Fellowship gets up, after many tears are shed. They begin their trip to Lorien. After a few steps through various fields, they are outside the Golden Wood.)

D/SAM: You know, if we keep doing that, the orcs should never catch up! But I'm still not used to it, Mr. Gand...(he dissolves into tears, and Boromir scoops him up and carries him.)

K/GIMLI: I have a very bad feeling about this, guys. This Elf-witch can kill you for a harsh thought, and if I call her stupid, she'd probably have me keelhauled!

S/HALDIR: Stupid Dwarf. Keelhauling is for Orcs. We fill Dwarves with enough arrows to make them look like pincushions, here. And then we smear them with banana scent, and send them to Rivendell, where Elrond destroys them. So watch your step.

K/GIMLI: *gulp*

R/ARAGORN: While I'm happy that someone finally put the Dwarf into place, we need to see Galadriel.

S/HALDIR: Okay, follow me.

(They climb a huge staircase up a tree, and then see Galadriel and Celeborn.)

A/GALADRIEL: Welcome, we.....

P/CELEBORN: That's my line! You already took all the others, and now you have to take my last line? No! I won't stand for it!

A/GALADRIEL: I'll make it up to you.

P/CELEBORN: How?

A/GALADRIEL: You know how you were saying that you wanted another child?

P/CELEBORN: Okay, enjoy my lines.

A/GALADRIEL: Welcome, weary travelers. Just so you know, I can read your minds, and I heard that, Boromir!

(Boromir turns bright red. Celeborn draws a sword.)

A/GALADRIEL: Relax, Celeborn.

(He sheathes sword, but keeps both eyes on Boromir.)

A/GALADRIEL: Rest in Peace, dear friends.

R/ARAGORN: But don't you want to know about Gandalf?

A/GALADRIEL: I already know. And I read the next book, too.

AD/BOROMIR: There's a book?

A/GALADRIEL: I saw it in my mirror.

AD/PIPPIN: Are you a book?

K/MERRY: I don't think she means that type of mirror.

AD/PIPPIN: What other type is there?

K/MERRY: I don't know.

D/SAM: Maybe it's a magical Elven mirror.

AD/PIPPIN: And all it shows it books? Sounds boring.

K/MERRY: But what if it showed books like the kind that Ted Sandyman keeps hidden in the mill?

AD/PIPPIN: Oooh, yes, let’s look in this mirror!

A/GALADRIEL: No.

AD/PIPPIN: Pretty please?

A/GALADRIEL: I know your thoughts, and that is the reason I say no. Now go to sleep.

(The Fellowship leaves her presence but only Merry and Pippin go to sleep.)

(Galadriel walks by.)

D/SAM: Let's follow her!

J/FRODO: Well, I know you're supposed to as well, but the director says you can't. Go to sleep, Sam.

D/SAM: Phooey!

(Frodo follows Galadriel to her mirror, and they look in. He sees what would happen if Sauron gets the banana peel.)

Galadriel: And if that isn't bad enough, you need to abandon everyone and go off on your own.

Frodo: Okay.

The next morning, the Fellowship leaves Lorien, in boats that magically appear. Or, if you've read the books, boats that Galadriel gives to them.

Gimli: I have fallen in love, but even though its crucial to my future, the director cut it, because I'm not to show too much intelligence. Farewell, lovely lady of Lorien!

The Fellowship sails. And sails. And sails. Finally, Aragorn realizes that the mist up ahead is a waterfall.

Aragorn: Um, guys, I think we should get off the river.

Gimli: But it is a test of our honor and courage! We must go down the waterfall!

Pippin: Gimli's a bit suicidal, isn't he?

Merry: No, he's just been watching too much Star Trek, and is obsessed with Worf.

Pippin: Ah, that explains a lot.

They pull the boats on shore.

Frodo: Even though it is imperative the banana peel doesn't fall into enemy hands, I'm going to wander off by myself.

Aragorn: Have fun!

Boromir: (to self) Just think how Sauron would react if he saw the banana peel in my hands. He would do anything to get it back, even stop assaulting my city. Ah, the scent of moldy banana peel is driving me nuts! (to Aragorn) I must speak with Frodo.

Aragorn: Have fun!

Frodo walks a little while. Boromir follows him quietly until Frodo stops. Boromir picks up some wood as an excuse for being out there.

Boromir: Hey, Frodo, can I have the banana peel?

Frodo: I fear not, Boromir.

Boromir: Huh? You fear naught?

Frodo: I mean no.

Boromir: But Frodo, with the banana peel we could make Sauron surrender, cause all of our foes to leave!

Frodo: And when he gets the banana peel back, he will show it to the Valar. Then he will rebattle Elrond for Middle Earth. And you know what banana peel scent does to Elrond.

Boromir: But, Frodo...Fine. If you will not give it to me, I will take it!

Grabs for banana peel, and his hand slips on the slime as Frodo runs away.

Boromir: Yelch! Disgusting! Oh, no, Frodo, what have I done? Forgive me!

All of a sudden, some of Saruman's henchmen, mixed with Sauron's come upon the Fellowship.

Aragorn: Ruuuuunnnn, Froooodooo, ruuuunnnn!

Slo-mo scene of Frodo running, remniscent of Forrest Gump. Then Aragorn whips out sword and seriously kicks some henchman butt.

Lurtz: Finnnd the banana peel! Use your noses! Oh, look, a human!

Charges toward Boromir who is defending Merry and Pippin. Stops when he realizes that Boromir is more than a match for him. Stands and thinks for a minute...or two. Henchmen take a while to think. Raises crossbow and aims. Fires...and misses.

Lurtz: It's hard to hit a moving target!

Boromir: Hm, that big one is aiming a crossbow at me, but I'll ignore the obvious threat and deal with these other henchmen.

Lurtz shoots again. Hits Boromir.

Boromir: I think that might have hurt. Ah, it's only a flesh wound.

Boromir continues to kick henchmen butt, and sounds Horn of Gondor to call for help. Instead, he gets more henchmen.

Lurtz shoots again.

Boromir: Ouch. Um, I'm just going to kneel here for a second while the shock wears away. Okay, time to get back up.

Boromir gets up, and keeps hacking apart henchmen. Lurtz, annoyed by this time, shoots him again.

Boromir: I'm not dead yet!

Lurtz: You soon will be.

Lurtz steps into point-blank range and takes a minute to aim. Luckily, this is all the time a Ranger Dunedain soon to be king Elessar Estel Aragorn son of Arathorn Strider Wingfoot Longshanks needs. In less time than it takes to say his names, Aragorn attacks Lurtz, and nearly is killed.

Lurtz: Weak human. I drink banana juice every day to keep strong. You probably eat Lembas!

Aragorn: Lembas this!

Stabs Lurtz. Lurtz is undaunted.

Lurtz: Muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Hacks Lurtz's arm off.

Lurtz: You gotta do better than that to...

Aragorn beheads Lurtz. Then he runs to side of dying Boromir.

Aragorn: I shall always remember you.

Boromir: I'm not dead yet!

Legolas and Gimli run up in time to see Aragorn kiss Boromir. They figure Boromir is dead, because he wouldn't have let Aragorn do that if he was alive. All three load Boromir into a canoe and shove him off. Boromir regains conciousness.

Boromir: Why do I have a boat all to myseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllffffff!!!!!!!!!

Now Boromir is dead. Then the Elf, Dwarf, Man realize they are missing someone. Four someones, to be exact.

Aragorn: Where could they be?

Legolas: Frodo and Sam are heading to Mordor by themselves. The henchmen are taking Merry and Pippin to Isengaurd.

Gimli: Why? And how do you know this?

Legolas: When I washed my hair in Galadriel's mirror the other day, I saw the next book. And I don't know why.

Aragorn: You know, I never wanted to see Mordor. Let's follow Merry and Pippin. Let's hunt some Henchman!

Legolas and Gimli: Lets!

The three begin to run.

Frodo and Sam are on the edge of Mordor.

Frodo: Such a big deal over something so small.

Sam: And so smelly.

Frodo: But I'm glad I have you with me, Sam.

Sam: Why?

Frodo: Because I need someone to cook for me. Bilbo never taught me.

Sam: Oh, okay.

They head off to Mordor.

Distant yelling is heard as we get very close to Mount Caradhras. Too close. A muffled thud is heard as the cameraman rams into the side of the Mount. We do a quick flashback to Gandalf and the Balrog in order to give the cameraman some time to recover.

Balrog: H....u.....n....g.....r.....y. B...a...n...a...n...a..P...e...e...l...s...m...e...l....l....g...o....o...d..

Gandalf: You shall not pass! I am a wielder of the flame of Anor, the darkness shall not avail you, flame of Udun!

Sam: Yeah! Gandalf got a line right!

The Balrog charges, Gandalf collapses the bridge. Balrog falls, lashes its wips up, and grabs Gandalf.

Balrog: I....'m......f....a...l...l...i...n...g..!

Gandalf: Fly, you fools, because I can't!

The fellowship runs from the mines.

Gandalf: That has to be the stupidest line! Why not something like Help me! or Aragorn, pull me up!? (he falls)

And falls. And falls. Finally he sees something glimmering up ahead.

Gandalf: Oh look! The light at the end of the tunnel has come for me!

Balrog: W....h....e....r...e..? I...c...a...n..'t... s...e...e... ..i...t..!

Gandalf: Oh. Darnitall..it's you. Fine. Accio Glamdring!

Balrog: Stu...pid....Ist...ar...i....That...'s Har...ry....Pot...oh.

Gandalf's sword suddenly appears.

Gandalf: Take that, you overgrown nightlight! And that!

Balrog: OW!

They fall toward the lake. They fall into the lake, somehow without making a splash.

Frodo sits up abruptly.

Frodo: Gandalf!

Sam: What is it, Mister Frodo?

Frodo: What do you think? I mean, I only called Gandalf's name in my sleep...

Sam: Wait...I know this one...give me a sec..um...you want Bill back?

Frodo: No! I want Gandalf back!

Sam: Oh, don't worry, he's not dead. I saw the previews.

Frodo: What previews?

Sam: The ones that Galadriel's mirror was showing the night before we left.

Frodo: I thought you didn't look into Galadriel's mirror....

Sam: I wasn't supposed to, but Celeborn was bored...he said something about showing her who should speak the lines in something called Two Towers. Reckon he was a bit put off, though I didn't understand...

Frodo: If Gandalf's alive, then why isn't he here helping us?

Sam: Dunno....I know he had to pick up a horse, but I can't remember what else...

Frodo sighs.

Frodo: Sam...

Sam: Frodo...

Frodo: Sam...I...

Sam: I know, Mister Frodo, but we'll get out of this. Trust me.

Frodo: No, Sam. I want more Lembas.

Sam: Oh!

Sam fishes in his pack.

Sam: Here you are, Mister Frodo..Lembas bread..and MORE Lembas bread. Anything else?

Frodo: Yeah. A vacation.

Sam: Can't help you there, Mister Frodo.

Frodo: How about getting rid of that awful smell?

Sam: As soon as we get to that fire...

Sam pauses and sniffs.

Sam: You know, now that I think about it, something does smell worse than before...

Frodo: We are not alone, Sam.

Sam: Nope. I know that Gandalf is watching us somewhere...probably having a pipeful of Old Toby while he keeps an eye on us. We'll never be alone. Have no fear, Mister Frodo.

Frodo: No! Sam...Never mind. Let's take naps.

Sam: I'm not sleepy.

Frodo: Sam...you WANT to take a nap.

Sam: No I don't.

Frodo: YES, you DO, Sam...

Sam: I can make it another mile or so before I need one, Mister Frodo...

Frodo: Eagol-smay is oming-cay!

Sam: I'm sorry, Mister Frodo, I don't speak Dwarvish.

Frodo: Never mind. Just copy me, and please trust me, dear Sam.

Sam: All right, but I'd still like to know what that smell is.

Frodo sighs.

The night is silent and still. Or would be if there wasn't a very loud hissing from the bluff above.

Hissing voice: Why can't HE get the banana peel, precious? He has handses of his own...less fingers, yess, precious, but he has handses!

Frodo: (whispering) Be very still and quiet, Sam. He might be able to hear us.

Sam: That stench is getting stronger, Mr. Frodo. I wonder what it is...

Hissing voice: All we wantses is one little ringses...one little ringses so we can have lotsss and lotsss of juicy fisssh...

Sam: Mr. Frodo? My nose is itching.

Frodo: Quiet, Sam!

Hissing voice: Fissssssssssssssssssssssssssssh

Sam: ah-ah-ah---achoo!

The glade is silent. Until the voice speaks again.

Hissing voice: Is it awake, precious? Is it sneezy and watchful?

Sam: No! No, its not awake!

Hissing voice: Oh, okayses. We can still sssneak up on itses then. Stay asleep, little Hobbitses...

The owner of the voice, who by know everyone has realized is Smeagol, reaches for the banana peel, making loud hissing noises. Sam and Frodo jump up and try to fight him, Frodo going into various Kung-fu poses.

Frodo: Welcome to Mordor, Mr. Smeagolson.

Frodo puts on shades. Sam looks at him, bewildered.

Sam: Mr. Frodo? Why are you copying Elrond?

Smeagol: Yesss, precious..why is it trying to be an Elfses? It isss much too sshort..

Frodo whips off the shades and stands normally.

Frodo: Sorry. Got a little carried away. Shall we?

They both jump at Smeagol, and everyone keeps getting tossed around with Smeagol trying to get the banana peel away from Frodo. Finally Smeagol manages to get his arm around Sam's neck.

Smeagol: Here, we'll trade. You give uss smelly peel, and we give you the stupid fat hobbitses.

Frodo: Hey! That line comes later!

Smeagol: Why doess it have too? The fanses will love it..we wantses a line that they remembersss, and if we says it lots of timeses, they'll remember it...

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Here, I'll rescue you in a sec, Sam..Sting is stuck in the sheath...

Sam: I figured out what stunk so! It's him!

Smeagol: Yes, you smellses, and Master smellses too...but Smeagol can stand the smellses..

Frodo: Aha..there we go.

Pulls Sting out, points it at Smeagol's throat.

Frodo: Remember this sword, Smeagol?

Smeagol: No..isss not a sword. It jussst lookses like a sword because you're so short, gollum, gollum!

Frodo: Never mind that. This is Sting. You've seen it before. Now, let go of Sam, or you'll see it even better.

Sam: Mr. Frodo, I hate to interrupt, but if you stick it in his neck, how's he going to see it better? It will be stuck away from his eyes...

Smeagol: Yes, he doesssn't make sense, doess he?

Frodo: Never mind that either. Let go.

Smeagol does so. Sam gets up and stands beside Frodo.

Sam: You know, you're sounding more and more like the Ranger everyday.

Frodo: Never min....I mean...let's just worry about tying up Smeagol right now.

Switch scenes to a bunch of Uruk Hai

Uruk Hai 1: I'm hungry.

Uruk Hai 2: I'm thirsty.

UH3: I've gotta go to the bathroom.

UH4: Are we there yet?

UH5: Hey, guys, guess what I smell!

UH1: Manflesh! Let's eat!

UH6: No, you fools, that scent means we need to run!

UH2: Why? It smells like only one man, one elf, and one Dwarf..

UH5: Don't you remember? We had four times as many troops until we ran into them before! If we run into them again, we'll prolly all die!

UH3: But we outnumber them about twenty to one still...

UH7: This is Hollywood. We're the ugly villians. They're the dashing and charming heroes. And one short sidekick. We'll lose.

UH4: I hate Hollywood. I'm moving to New Zealand.

UH6: You idiot, you're already in New Zealand!

UH3: I thought Uruk Hai 7 said we were in Hollywood...

UH5: Lets just keep running. We'll be there soon.

They start to run. Pippin bites his pin with his teeth in frustration at the Uruk Hai's stupidity, and then watches in horror as the pin falls off.

Pippin: Oh no! I had the perfect kilt back home to wear that with!

Scene switches to the Three Hunters

Aragorn: They're running fast.

Legolas: I can run faster.

Gimli: I.....(pant pant) can't....

Aragorn: Gimli, stop complaining and start joking around. Have you noticed that there are no Pervy Dwarf Fanciers around? Maybe if you were funny you'd get fangirls too.

Gimli stops and considers this. The three begin to run again. Aragorn dashes down a steep hillside successfully. Legolas does the same.

Gimli: Funny. How can I be funny...oh!

Gimli rolls down the hillside, grinning broadly.

Legolas: Come on, Gimli!

Gimli: Clearly that didn't work. I'll have to perfect my technique.

Semagol: IT HURRRRRRRRRRRTSES, Precious...Made by the nasty Elves it was!

Sam: Mr. Frodo, maybe we should kill him before his yelling draws all of the henchmen of Mordor out after us.

Frodo: Nah, I peeked at the script. There are no henchmen here.

Sam: Then maybe we should kill him before I go deaf?

Frodo: Hm, that might not be a bad idea...

Smeagol: NO! Don't kill us, don't burn us! Just because we stuffed rocks under your sleeping bagses last night doesn't mean...oops....

Sam gives Gollum a murderous look.

Sam: YOU did that?

Frodo: Hush, Sam.

Sam: Mr. Frodo, my back hurts something awful. Can I please kill it?

Frodo: Not all who live deserve life, and not all who die deserve death. Can you give life to those who deserve it?

Sam: No, that's not your line.

Frodo: It's not?

Sam: No, that was Gandalf's.

Frodo: Are you sure? I could have sworn it was in there...

Sam: It was...in the two a.m. rewrites. But we're using the four a.m. rewrites.

Frodo: Dratted rewrites...okay. What's my line, Sam?

Sam: Beats me.

Frodo: Beats me.

Sam: No, that's not it, Mr. Frodo. It was something along the lines of trusting this creature.

Frodo: Something along the lines of trusting this creature.

Sam: Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: What, Sam?

Sam: Those aren't your lines!

Frodo: Then why did you tell me that they were?

Sam sighs. Smeagol jerks on the rope. Frodo looks at Smeagol.

Frodo: Does it really burn?

Smeagol: (mournfully) yessssss...

Frodo: How can I trust you?

Smeagol looks around.

Smeagol: We will swear to be faithful guides...

Frodo: On what? I don't have much to have you swear by...Just a sword, some mithril, and a moldy banana peel...

Smeagol: We will swear...by the mold!

Frodo: By the mold? Are you certain, Smeagol?

Smeagol: The mold! The mold!

Frodo: The mold is smelly, and at the rate it is growing, will be taller than Barad-dur in about a year. Are you sure you want to swear on that?

Smeagol: You hasn't got anything else.

Sam: True dat, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: What?

Sam: Sorry, a little carried away.

The trio begins to walk off.

Switch to scenes of the three hunters.

Gimli: Dwarves....are VERY...dangerous......over short distances. We.....are not made....for ANYthing.....remotely resembling...a cross country meet!

Legolas: Come on, Gimli!

Gimli: Stupid Elf. My legs are only four times....shorter......than yours.

Aragorn: ( from twenty feet away) Come on, Gimli!

Legolas: Hurry! Otherwise we'll never make it in time to meet Eomer...

Aragorn: Who in Elbereth's name is Eomer? And how do you know that we'll meet him?

Legolas: Some relative of some king. And remember? I read the book. Elves have excellent memory.

Gimli catches up to them, puffing.

Gimli: I hate running.

Switch scene to Uruk Hai.

Uruk Hai1: I'm still hungry.

UH2: And I'm still thirsty.

UH3: I'm tired. I want a break.

UH4: A break might be nice. Let's rest.

UH5: We must keep running! If we camp here, we may be attacked!

UH6: Um..what he said?

UH1: I'm not running until I've had a bit to eat.

UH7: Food is all you think about, isn't it?

UH2: No! I think about liquor too.

UH6: Not you, you great idiot.

UH3: Who you calling an idiot?

UH5: Probably the Uruk Hai he was talking to...

UH4: Oh, so now you're saying that Uruk Hai 3 is an idiot too?

UH8 sighs, walks into the midst of the Uruk Hai that are about to fight.

UH8: Hey, guys, can't we all just get along?

He gets many odd stares.

UH8: Maybe not, then....

UH1: I've got an idea...

There is a long pause.

UH2: Are you going to tell us your idea?

UH1: Of course!

There is another long pause.

UH3: What IS the idea?

UH1: Oh, you mean now?

UH4: No.

UH1: Okay, I'll tell you guys later.

They settle down to eat. UH1 starts growling.

UH1: I'm sick of moldy bread...hey...I know, let's eat them!

He points to Merry and Pippin.

Merry: You don't want to eat us, we're...we're (whispering) Help me out, Pip!

Pippin: We're burrahobbits!

Merry: (whispering) Great idea, Pip! Good old Bilbo...

The Uruk Hai look at him blankly.

UH1: You still look juicy to me...

UH8: Yo, dude, hold your horses...

UH1: I don't have any horses. If I did, I'd have eaten them already!

UH8: I meant that we have orders not to touch the prisoners.

UH1: But I'm hungry...and they look good..

UH2: Hey...wait...if they're burrahobbits, then they are not Shortguys, therefore we can eat them!

Merry looks at Pippin.

Merry: (whispering) Fool of a Took! Look what you did!

Pippin looks at him in shock.

Pippin: Me?

Merry: It was your idea!

Pippin: Well you told me to say something!

UH1 reaches for Pippin. UH8 lops his head off. All of the other UH look at 8 in confusion.

UH8: His whining was getting on my nerves. No eating the prisoners. They're still short.

UH nod. Then a spear comes flying through the air and takes out UH8.

Merry: Wiggle, Pippin!

Pippin: I am!

Merry: No, not in place! Forward!

Pippin: OH!

They start to wiggle towards the woods. Horses are everywhere. Hooves fly toward Hobbit....who, for some odd reason, already has his hands free. Even though in the next installment he'll have to slice them free. But then, nobody is perfect.

Frodo and Sam and Smeagol are walking through a rocky area. They walk on rocks. They walk on more rocks. And, yep, you guessed it, they walk on more rocks.

The three hunters run. And they run. And they run. Is anything seeming a bit repetitive here?

Back to Frodo, Sam, and Smeagol, who approach a vast marsh.

Frodo: Smeagol, there's no cover in the Marsh..

Smeagol: Yes, there is, nice master.

Sam: I don't see anything out there...

Smeagol: That's because we isss looking at a painting. When we get to the computer animated parts, there will be treessssses.

Frodo: Are you sure?

Smeagol: Yesss...

Sam: How can you be so sure?

Smeagol: Because we ssstole nice massster's ssscript.

Smeagol bounds off into the marsh before Sam and Frodo can grab the script away.

Back to the Three Hunters, still...well....running. They keep running until they make a sharp right turn and, well...run behind some rocks.

A massive force of horsemen ride onto the ridge the Three Hunters just vacated, which brings to mind the question of how the horsemen failed to see the Hunters. The horsemen ride past until Aragorn steps out from behind the rock.

Aragorn: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?

The horsemen whirl about and surround the Hunters.

Eomer: Who are you, and why did you hide behind a rock from us?

Aragorn: Well, we originally were going to hide in the grass, but PJ didn't want to make you look too foolish, I suppose. I'm Aragorn. Estel. Strider. Dunedain. Elessa..

Gimli: Enough! I am tired of this man and his many names. But I shall not tell you my name until you have told me yours, horsemaster.

Eomer: Foolish? And you, even with spears pointed at your throat, aren't going to tell me your name? Now who is foolish?

Legolas whips out bow and arrow.

Legolas: The man standing in front of an armed Elf.

The Man in front of said armed Elf gulps. Hard. Aragorn waves the bow down.

Aragorn: Enough. As I said, I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, this is Gimli son of Gloin, and this is Legolas.

Legolas: Hey! What about my father?

Aragorn: Apparently he's not important.

Legolas: He's the KING of Mirkwood!

Eomer: Where?

Aragorn whispering to Eomer) Little bump in the road sort of place. Blink and you miss it.

Legolas: Hey! I heard that!

Aragorn: Dratted Elf hearing. Anyways, you have yet to tell us your name.

Eomer: Oh, that's right. I'm Cupid.

Gimli: Cupid? What a silly name...

Eomer: Wait! I'm not Cupid, I'm Eomer. Sorry. Wrong script.

Gimli: Stupid Rohirrim.

Aragorn: Eomer, we're looking for some friends of ours, shortguys. They would look like children to you. They were captured by some orcs...

Eomer: We killed the orcs. We saw no shortguys, so we probably killed them too. Oh well.

Aragorn: What do you mean, oh well? I thought you were supposed to say a bleakly ironic phrase there..

Eomer: Was I? I never can remember...

Legolas: Something about hope, and it would be ironic as Estel, Aragorn's name from Elrond, means hope.

Aragorn: Which is a fact readers get, which makes the readers feel that perhaps the movie *was* made for them instead of Legolas Lusters.

Legolas: Um, Aragorn, before the movies there *were* no Legolas Lusters..

Gimli: An unimportant piece of trivia.

Eomer: Oh, I remember my line. Look not to hope, for it has deserted these lands.

Aragorn: That's it. And now we part for a bit, my friend.

Eomer: Friend?

Aragorn: Don't worry. It will happen soon.

The Hunters ride off.

Sam, Frodo, and Gollum are trudging in a marsh.

Sam: Mr. Frodo, I think we've been here before...

Frodo: Sam, that was your line back *before* we met Gollum, remember?

Sam: But I think we've seen this marsh before...

Gollum: No, they haven't, precious hobbitses. We're not going in circles like stupid fat hobbit. We iss going straight. Mostly.

Sam: But this looks like the Marsh that Aragorn took us through.

Frodo stops and looks around.

Frodo: Now that I think of it, you're right, Sam. But how could we have gotten back here?

Sam: Maybe Mr. Gandalf was wrong, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: I thought we were talking about Aragorn...

Sam: I mean, when you asked Gandalf left or right, sir. Maybe the Elves are watching us and laughing because we're really going the wrong way.

Frodo looks at Sam and considers this for a minute.

Frodo: Nope. Couldn't happen.

Sam: Is it possible you're trusting the Elves too much?

Frodo: I'm not trusting the Elves. But I do know how many times I heard Elrond muttering about getting some filthy human away from his daughter. Mordor is as far away as I can think of. I think we're in the right spot.

Gollum: Isss what I told nice masstersss, yes, gollum, gollum, but did they listen? No, wissse masterssss, they don't...

Gollum keeps muttering as they trudge on.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli reached the smoldering remains of the orc bodies.

Legolas: This stinks.

Gimli: I would think you could come up with a more heartfelt way of expressing your emotions. Stupid Elf.

Aragorn: No, he means the pile stinks.

Gimli: Oh. Well, considering the stench of the banana peel, it actually smells rather good.

Aragorn and Legolas exchange glances and Gimli begins to dig through the pile.

Gimli: Let's see, what have we here? Hm...some nice boots...oh, a very nice axe. I think I'll keep it.

Aragorn: Could you look for perhaps some sign of Merry and Pippin?

Gimli: I notice that you and Mr. Prissy Elf over there aren't searching...

Legolas: Mr. What?

Gimli: You heard me. Sheesh. It was you who told me I needed to be comical..

Legolas: (dangerously) That WASN'T comical.

Gimli: Was too.

Legolas: Was not.

Gimli: Was too.

Aragorn: Enough! The two hobbits probably are dead with the way you two are channeling their spirits!

This sobered the two up, and Gimli kept digging.

Gimli: Another nice axe. I like axes. Oh...

The quiet exclamation makes the Elf and Man whirl around, terrified at what they might see. Slowly Gimli pulls out...an axe.

Gimli: Nice. Oh...

He pulls out Merry's sword belt. Aragorn kicks the helmet. Then Aragorn slips from the scene so he can hop around on one leg.

Aragorn: OwowowowowowOW!

Legolas: Quel esta. Namarie. Anar Caluva Tielyanna.

Translated, this all means "Dunno what the heck I'm saying, but PJ put it in, so I'm speaking the pretty-sounding words".

Aragorn falls over from his one-legged jumping, and lands on a bit of rope.

Aragorn: What have we here?

He crawls, following a trail that's been quite smudged by Orcs and horses but miraculously is still readable. He keeps crawling until he whacks his head into a tree.

Aragorn: Ouch!

Tree: Ouch!

The three companions exchanged glances.

Tree: I meant whoosh. That's only the breeze you're hearing. Just simple, plain breeze. Whoooooosh!

The three companions shrugged.

Legolas: That is a dark and dangerous forest.

Gimli: Let's go around.

Aragorn: What fell craft led them inside?

Gimli: Let's go around.

Legolas: It will be a treacherous journey through the eaves of Fangorn.

Gimli: Let's go AROUND.

Aragorn: And it passes perilously close to Isengard.

Gimli: Let's GO AROUND.

Legolas: But we must enter it. Come, Gimli...Gimli, were you saying something?

Gimli: I was saying...ach..never mind!

They begin to walk into the forest, with Gimli muttering loudly the whole time.