Winter 2011

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If the answer is no, or even if you are unsure, then just repeat this simple prayer. If you confess it with your mouth, and mean it t with your heart, you will be saved. Your name will be entered into the Book of Life. Please also let us know as we would love to rejoice with you!

Heavenly Father, I come to You Jesus’ name. Your Word says, “Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved” and “If you confess with your mouth, and believe in your heart that God has raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (according to Acts 2:21; Romans 10:9). You said my salvation would be the result of the Holy Spirit giving me new birth by coming to live within me and that if I would ask, You would fill me with Your Spirit and would be evidenced by speaking in other tongues. (According to Luke 11:13; Acts 2:4). I confess that Jesus is my Lord and I believe in my heart that You raised Him from the dead. Thank You for coming into my heart, for giving me Your Holy Spirit, and for being Lord over my life. Amen.

Do You Know Jesus?

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Winter · Volume 1 · Issue 2

Contents

5 The Writing Is On The Wall Discussion on what spousal abuse looks like,

how to recognize it, and how to overcome it. 14 The Smoke And Mirrors Of Abuse Spousal abuse from the abuser’s view. Learn

how abusers can gain victory in this area. 20 Suicide: Don’t Let It Be A Death Sentence

No matter how you look at it, suicide is a death sentence. What does God say about it? What do you do if someone you know is suicidal? How do you overcome suicidal thoughts? The answers will help you.

25 Bullies and Baths Bullying is such a prevalent issue in society. What is it like being a victim to bullying, and how do you overcome its effects God’s way.

24 Testimonial Danny MacKay discusses his “troubled” past, and how

he came to the Lord. He also compares his earthly father’s love to Gods. This is a testimony that you don’t want to miss!!

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Faith Filled Family’s Staff Publisher Michelle C. Danko Editor Michelle C. Danko Layout Michelle C. Danko Writers: Michelle C. Danko has had fifteen years experience in the media industry ranging from print to broadcast journalism. Michelle home schools her eldest son. In her spare time, she enjoys chasing after her three boys, reading, and learning more about God’s word. She is also attending Bible School and hoping to finish her degree. Shawn E. Wiggins is married, and has a beautiful daughter.– both of whom he cares for deeply. Shawn loves the Lord, and this passion for God is evident in his writing. Shawn writes from both experience, and from his heart. Sarah Kuepfer is a single mother of 3 girls, including a 7 mo old. She home schools them and works from home. Sarah currently lives in Kitchener, Ontario. An interesting fact about Sarah is that she loves reading so much they keep running out of book-cases! Cover Photo

Photographers ©iStockphoto.com/ Atnoydur, Bowden Images, Grand River, Imagine Golf, HjalImages, Mammuth, Pikkewyn, Audioundwerbung, ErikReis, and WarrenGoldswain. Also cour-tesy of Microsoft Office.

©iStockphoto.com/Night and Day Images

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Written by Sarah Kuepfer

As a teenager, I heard the lectures about

abusive situations and unhealthy relation-

ships. My friends and I vowed that we’d

never be one of “those” women who let

themselves get beat up physically and

emotionally by some guy. I felt that I was

too strong and too confident to ever be in

that situation myself.

Abuse can be subtle at first and increase

over time. Most abusers are people who

are charming, and whom no one would

expect would engage in such behavior.

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We met at church in September. He was the first guy I dated who claimed to be a Christian. He shared my back-

ground of Biblical values with at least a nodding acquaintance with the name of Jesus. He was charming and very

considerate. I fell hard, and we saw each other nearly every day for three months.

abusers generally want to impregnate their victims, as it’s a sign of their power and control, but abuse generally es-

calates during and immediately after pregnancy as the abuser feels they are no longer the main focus of the victim.

He proposed within a year of dating, and I joyfully accepted. Our wedding date was set for four months away.

Shortly after we were engaged, I discovered I was pregnant. He was ecstatic! I wanted to tell our parents right away

and change our date until after our child was born, but he wanted to wait until after the wedding to tell them. We

compromised, and we told them about two months before the wedding, but we didn’t change the date.

We were married, and within four months moved into a new apartment and welcomed our daughter to our family.

He was working a split shift warehouse job that made ends meet (barely). We had a tiny two bedroom apartment,

and we were happy.

Abuse follows a cycle which begins with gradual control, and can be so masked with logic or so subtle that the vic-

tim doesn’t recognize it. Gradually may come outbursts of violence

We were happy- for about two weeks- and then something changed. It was gradual- just little things. Because his

job started so early, he would come home and sleep. He told me to keep our kids quiet. Since we had an infant that

was easier said than done. He would yell at me telling me I wasn’t a good mother, I wasn’t a fit parent since I let our

baby cry, and I was being selfish by letting the kids disturb him. He would storm out after an argument, slamming the

door sometimes hard enough to knock the pictures off the wall. He’d zoom out of the parking lot, tires squealing, and

leaving me with two children. We had no where to go and no way to get there.

Later on, I learned that the cycle of abuse I lived with was typical – the continually escalating controlling behavior

and disrespect, the outburst of violence (escalating outbursts of yelling and physical assault), the remorse and prom-

ises- usually with a gift of some kind, and then the honeymoon- the feeling like it will finally be better, until he starts

being critical and demanding again. It shocked me to read that, and recognize the behaviors described there was my

life. To see my life in black and white described as verbal abuse was like a slap in the face.

Abusers always appear to be remorseful for their actions and vow to never do it again. They usually buy their victim

gifts as a way of apologizing. They also always have excuses for their behavior, but never accept responsibility.

They may also blame the victim saying that if he/she wouldn’t have done _____, then they wouldn’t have gotten so

upset. Some may blame the victim for their outburst and convince the victim that they were responsible. This is al-

ways followed by the Honeymoon phase.

He’d come home a few hours later, apologetic and remorseful, usually with some treat for me – a flower, my favor-

ite kind of chocolate bar, or a hot chocolate. He’d blame it on being so tired, stressed at work, or some other excuse.

I accepted his apology and of course he was forgiven, and I promised to try harder.

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Even though the abuser may genuinely be remorseful, the cycle always repeats and intervals between abuse and

peace become shorter. Control can become more intense. Abusers can control their victims time, space, finances,

defining motivations, and assigning status. They also feel that it is the victim’s responsibility to make them happy.

(See footnote reference for book which in an excellent resource and will explain issue in further detail.)

Shortly the cycle would repeat. Sometimes it was because supper wasn’t ready when he got home, or his laundry

wasn’t dry, or the kids’ toys were all over the floor. Sometimes it was because I was too demanding (I asked him to

talk to me or play with the kids) or because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him (he wanted me to watch movies

with him instead of doing dishes or folding laundry). Each time was the same. He would yell and blame me as the

reason he wasn’t happy. I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t doing enough, I wasn’t trying enough.

As fall turned into winter, our fights got worse. Once, he told me to go into our bedroom and shut the door so we

could “talk”. He grabbed my wrists and held them down while he yelled at me. I stood up for myself and told him that

if he ever touched me like that again, I would call the police. He stormed out and didn’t return for hours.

Victims may contemplate leaving. Many of them are so isolated at this point (abusers isolate their victims so that no

one can convince them of the abuse and they can maintain control), that they feel that they can’t make it on their

own. Abusers like to isolate their victims, to make their victim dependent on themselves for social interaction, and

for financial support

I wondered many times if I should leave. Where I would go and what I would take if I did leave? How would I get

there without a vehicle and money? We had no money, and every time we did, I couldn’t use it. He drove me to get

groceries, and if I spent so much as five dollars at the corner store, I had to explain.

Abuse is done in private- never in public or outwardly except by “joking”. No one ever suspects an abuser or an

abusive situation.

We went to his church every Sunday. We smiled and shook hands. No

one knew what went on behind closed doors. I would stand and ensure

the kids wouldn’t run off while he chatted with his friends about people I

didn’t know, places I had never gone to, and experiences I wasn’t a part

of. I didn’t know anyone. I had no friends- although I tried to make some-

and I felt very alone.

Christmas was hard for me that year. I had had a tradition with my

daughter of getting a new dated Christmas ornament for her every year

and when I asked my husband for the money for it that year, he refused.

He said it was silly, and that we shouldn’t “waste” our money. Yet a friend

could call him, he would drive an hour to meet him, and go out for drinks

defending himself with the excuse of “needing a break” or a “guys’ night

out”. I wondered many times if he would bother to come home, or if he

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was planning on walking out.

On December 27, we were on our way to a family Christmas event and we were hit by a truck. It wasn’t a very seri-

ous accident and no one was hurt, but serious enough that our van was wrecked. After we were all done with the

police and sorting out getting home, my husband and I talked clearly that night. He said that the accident we’d had

scared him and he realized what he could have lost. He said he was committed to trying harder, to yelling less, and

to being more considerate of my needs too.

On December 31, he was on his way home from work in the rental car we had gotten, and he was T-boned by a

driver who ran the stop sign. I got a very confused phone call from him, and then heard nothing. I had a 6 month old

at home, and no way to get to the hospital. I didn’t know where he was being taken, and had no way of finding out if

he was alive or dead. I called my brother-in-law, who drove the hour to the hospital, and updated me every 2 hours

or so. I hung on to the phone like a drowning victim to a rope that day. I realized I still loved him, and I was commit-

ted myself to making this work.

He was released from hospital nothing more than a concussion and some bruises. We felt as though our marriage

had been given a second chance.

Over the month of January, we had some heart-to-heart talks. We realized that we were very isolated, and we

needed more family support. He needed a better job, so we decided to move eight hours north to where I had grown

up. We stayed with my parents for two months while he found a job and we found an apartment. Six weeks after

moving into our new apartment, I discovered I was pregnant again.

He was ecstatic, but almost immediately withdrew from me. About a month later, he lost his job and while he

quickly found another one, he was very moody. This time it was worse. We began fighting over everything from what

we did on the weekends, to the money I spent on groceries, to disciplining the kids. He became very critical of our

oldest- his stepdaughter, my daughter- and we fought over that, too.

We met with the pastor of the church he had decided we would attend. (Yes, he decided, even though he had said

we would talk about it, and visit several, it was the only one we went to, before he said that was “home”). I shared

some of my concerns, and he gave his “reasons” for his actions. The pastor told us to talk more, and that he was

praying for us.

The verbal abuse escalated as my pregnancy continued. I found myself in tears more often than not after one of

our fights. My nightmares returned, and I found myself longing for the days when I was a single parent. I began

dreading his return after his work day was done. I would meet him at the door, and gauge his mood. If he seemed in

a good mood, I dawdled finishing supper, and encouraged the kids to interact with him. If he came home venting

about his boss and his coworkers, I hurried and put the kids to bed early. I managed around his moods like I did

around my toddler daughter. I offered snacks, and encouraged naps, taking the children out on the weekends if

needed. I didn’t dare complain about the kids’ behavior, as I didn’t want him having anything to do with disciplining

them, fearing he would cross the line with them too.

My oldest daughter had regular visitations with her father, and I began encouraging those to be longer than they

were before. Five weeks before I was due with our third child, she went for a week-long visit. We picked her up and

the night just seemed to go wrong. He was harsh with her, critical of me, and complained about everything. When

we got home I put the kids to bed as quickly as I could, because I knew he was spoiling for another fight, and I was

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dreading it.

It started as soon as I sat down. We argued about my oldest daughter and about discipline. He claimed he was

taking over the discipline, claiming I was too soft. He told me some of what he was going to do and scared me. I ob-

jected, and as soon as I did, he started yelling, accusing me of disrespect, being uncaring, and critical. He said he

felt could never please me, as if I was the one who was abusing him. As it got worse, I got up, and walked away in

the middle of his ranting, as I had done numerous times, but this time, I locked myself in my children’s room.

I heard him in the house and thought he was putting on shoes to leave. He wasn’t. He was looking for me. He

found the locked door, and it seemed to enrage him. He roared and the door burst open hitting me. My toddler

daughter started screaming, and my older daughter started crying. He grabbed me by the wrists and pushed me

down the hallway yelling the entire time. I could see my older daughter behind him screaming for me trying to catch

up and my toddler screaming in her crib reaching for me. He pushed me against the wall and yelled in my face. He

held my wrists pushing them against me with every new rant. I begged him to let me go. I begged him not to hurt me.

I thought he was going to kill me.

He finally let me go and turned to the girls’ room. He yelled at my daughter to get back into bed, and was going to

get our toddler. I ran for the phone and called 911. I told the operator what had happened, that he was getting our

kids, and I was scared. He came holding our toddler and pushed my oldest in front of him. He demanded to know

who I was talking to. Then he told me to hang up the phone. He asked if I had called the police. I ignored him, and

just kept talking to the operator, who could hear him. I then asked him to give me our kids, and he refused. The op-

erator offered to talk to him, if he would give me our children, and he agreed. I took our kids. I ran with them into their

bedroom, crawling on their bed, holding them, crying and shaking.

The police came. One officer came in to the room with me, and one stayed with him. The officer helped me to calm

down, and took me into the other bedroom so they could look at the door he had broken open. I was able to calm

myself and the children, and tell the officer a bit of what had happened. He left the room, and told me I could put my

children to bed again. I did, and as I left their room, I saw my husband, in hand cuffs, being escorted out by police

officers. He looked at me in shock, and there was a look of horror in his eyes. I looked at him, my heart hurting, both

because of what he had done to me, and because he was being taken from me.

I called a friend to come stay with me while I waited for the police officers to return for my statement. They in-

formed me that he would be charged, and I had no say in that. I was also told that everything I said in my statement

may be used against him in court.

Many victims won’t press charges out of fear , or out of love. Many places, domestic assault is an automatic charge.

The court process was surreal. I didn’t have to testify, and he pled guilty to his charge. He was convicted of do-

mestic assault. He was given a suspended sentence with time served (about 7 days), and probation of 12 months

with court ordered counseling. He was released, and part of his probation was a no-contact order with me except by

his written consent.

I had packed a suitcase for him, including the letters I had written to him, every night he was in jail. Friends picked

them up, and dropped off two dozen red roses with a note telling me he was very very sorry for what he had done.

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Very quickly, contact began against the advice of the agencies around me. He was there when our third daughter

was born, and visited the whole time she was in hospital. Child protection services was the only thing that stood be-

tween him and his moving home.

Most victims go back to their abusers very quickly. The victim is so blinded by the abuse that they actively work

against the protections for them, and defend their abuser.

It was like the fear and shock and outrage was a dream, and I just missed him. It was as if I wore rose-colored

glasses when I looked back at our history. I didn’t think I was abused, and excused him, thinking this was an out-of-

character moment for him. I rationalized that he just “snapped” and he would never hurt me on purpose.

Eventually, I acknowledged that I was an abused wife. I was humiliated, ashamed, and so very very angry that I let

this happen. I felt guilty that I had exposed my children to this, that I had lived with this for so long, and that I had

submitted to this, thinking this was “normal”.

Over the next four months, I began to recognize my situation for what it really was. I began seeing red flags in my

continuing relationship with him. He was pushing to reconcile as quickly as possible, using my faith to justify it. He

would quote scripture saying “God hates divorce, He doesn’t want us separate.”, “What God has put together, let no

man tear asunder.”. He kept asking if I knew “what you did wrong that contributed to this”, or if I acknowledged “your

part in all this”. He would say things like, “I was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but you kept push-

ing me and I felt rejected by you, and that’s why I lost control.” There was always a “but” involved.

Friends who saw him away from me and then with me were telling me they were concerned for me. They told me

that he was drinking more, that he was out a lot. His family expressed their concern for my safety. One friend came

to me telling me my husband had tried flirting with her, and when she confronted him on it, said, “What she doesn’t

know won’t hurt her.”

I asked him for a separation agreement, and weekly allowance/support payment. He didn’t want to at first, but I

pushed and he reluctantly agreed. We had some small savings in a joint account. He said he would use that ac-

count, and put money into our joint checking account for my use. About a month after that, I witnessed another be-

trayal. He used all our savings- about $1200 worth, on dinners out and $600 of that was on his cell phone in the

space of three weeks. I confronted him on it, and he confessed to using a phone sex line, and to meeting at least

one woman off that line though he claimed nothing happened.

I was devastated, and immediately cut off all contact. I told him I was done, and that I would be seeing a lawyer to

file for divorce as soon as I could. I also told him I was moving as quickly as I could back to the city where we had

met.

I saw him a few times between that and moving on his visits with the kids. I did my best to avoid him during those

times, though I couldn’t remove myself completely with a nursing baby. I made sure we were never alone if I could

help it.

I moved away with the kids and we set up regular visitations- about once a month. For the first month, I didn’t talk

to him at all unless it was about our children. I reveled in the security I felt and felt confident in my decision. I began

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rebuilding my self-esteem, and exploring some of my talents I hadn’t used yet. I set goals for myself, and began talk-

ing to a counselor about my future. I started a home business to gain some self-sufficiency.

The second month, I began talking with my husband a bit more. With the distance, I felt more confident in my inter-

actions with him. Knowing that it was over, I had some curiosity about why some things happened and we spent a

couple of nights rehashing our relationship. It was enlightening and freeing.

I found out that while I had been rediscovering myself, my move had been like a wake-up call to him. He began

seeing his church pastor weekly for counseling, and confessed to his church what had happened between us. He

asked friends to hold him accountable. He stopped drinking entirely. He attended every church service he could get

to.

It was a bill that came up that showed me the first signs of true change. Before we separated, if we had a bill or

needed a few hundred dollars, he would borrow from friends or family. Before we met, he was several thousand dol-

lars in debt to friends and family, and during our time together, he had borrowed more. But this time it was different.

He went without. He saved and paid cash. I was impressed.

We continued talking, about our past, and about what he was doing. He stopped pushing me to reconcile quickly

though he never stopped asking. He stopped with the “buts” whenever we talked about the assault. He stopped ask-

ing me about “my issues”, and if I was doing anything to “fix” myself. He became very open with me, and he re-

spected my boundaries. It was as though God had done a spiritual heart transplant.

The next push came from a conversation I had with an aunt, about the nature of forgiveness. I claimed to have for-

given my husband. I truly thought I had. I had given up my right of revenge remembering God’s Word: “Vengeance is

mine, saith the Lord. I will repay.” I asked Jesus to take the debt my husband owed me for pain and suffering. I

prayed for my husband asking God to bless him like Jesus commanded, praying for my enemies, and blessing those

who persecuted me. But I had closed off from my husband, and refused to even be willing to try to trust him. God

pointed out to me that He didn’t do that. He didn’t hold my past against me. He said, “Come let us reason together”,

and promised that He would make me “white as snow”. He promised that I was a new creature in him- that He would

transform my mind- if I would renew with him daily. I realized that I needed to be willing. Be soft. Forgiveness, true

forgiveness, was about being soft, not hard. Not that one doesn’t set boundaries protecting from future hurt, but that

I had set my boundary too far. I wasn’t willing to even let my husband in, instead of simply setting boundaries of

courtesy and respect. I refused to recognize his willingness to change- to let him change. I was reminded of the un-

merciful servant, who having had his debt erased by the king, turned around and jailed the one that owed him.

I confessed my sin to God asking him to give me a heart of flesh, not stone, like he promised. I committed to trust-

ing God with my future, and to being willing to try regardless of the outcome. I asked for guidance in making sure we

were protected, and that we could have a healthy relationship. I asked for a spiritual heart transplant.

It was on one of his visits that I shared my new heart with him. We celebrated communion together for the first time

in a year, as a symbol of our new start.

So here we are. We are committed to a new start, though it hasn’t happened yet. We’re talking about what will hap-

pen next. Our plans are tentative, but hopeful.

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First, we spent about six weeks or so preparing. We talked on a

regular basis, though still separated in different cities. He has

moved to where I am, found a new job, and a place to live separate

from me. We are both committed to seeking individual counseling,

and eventually couples’ therapy.

We have started the New Year with a period of fasting – fasting

from each other. It is a process of grieving for our failed marriage,

and putting to death all the old patterns, habits, hurts and betrayals.

We are going to spend 40 days in no-contact, where there will be

no phone calls, text messages, emails, letters, or contact of any

kind between us (not even a visit with the kids) except in case of

emergency (defined as death or hospitalization). Then we are going

to start a courtship, beginning on Valentine’s Day, with, appropri-

ately enough, a marriage restoration seminar. I am praying for a

spiritual parent to cover me during this period, and I know God will

answer. We are going to spend time getting to know each other all

over again, praying together, and learning healthy patterns of com-

munication.

Eventually we hope to become re-engaged, and start planning for

a future together. We want to talk about what it means to be mar-

ried, and to go through a pre-marital counseling course. In effect,

we want to do it over, and do it right this time.

If all goes well, we hope to have a re-commitment ceremony, with

our friends and family as witnesses. We want to ask for more

help- help in our marriage, help with our children, and help to be us.

And our first act as a (re)married couple: we want to be baptized

together.

Pray for us!

If you recognize yourself in my story, I beg you, from one woman,

mother, wife to another.. GET HELP! There are hotlines in every

state and province for women’s crisis services, and numbers and

addresses for women’s shelters. Separation does not have to mean

divorce, but not separating can mean your death. Abuse does not

stop on its own, and you can’t “fix” him. For more information on

stopping domestic abuse, or for phone numbers to get help, you

can go to www.thehotline.org (in the US) or http://

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/ (in the UK) or www.springtideresources.org

(in Canada).

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©iStockphoto.com/sdominick

Car ing Cr oss is a Christian Ministry for w o m e n a n d m e n transforming their lives after loss or tragedy. Our goal is to be a refuge for the weary and broken hearted. We are an online retreat of connection in the healing of the heart with its many wounds. We offer healing for the mind, body and spirit. We believe in healing through Christ Jesus using creativity and the art of worship. We welcome you to ask the tough questions; the wonderings why and the sharing of the darker places of life, free of j u d g m e n t a n d condemnation.

Visit our website at www.caringcrossministries.com or visit us on Facebook

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In media, we read articles on domestic abuse with horror and wonder what could pos-

sibly cause a person to commit such a heinous act on their victim? Did they really love

them? Society views abuse in a much different way than most Christians do, and their

ways of resolving the issue are very different. Society’s way contradicts the bible in

many ways, and often doesn’t really allow for any chance of reconciliation- in fact,

many counselors warn against it. Regrettably, because abuse is such a complex topic,

many pastors are ill-equipped to deal with the subject for fear of backlash for offering

“wrong” guidance. If we want to deal with the solution for this problem, then we must

first understand the issue and help the abuser gain victory. Otherwise the cycle will

just continue to perpetuate itself.

If we want to understand why abuse occurs, then we have to look at the source- the

abuser. What causes them to be abusive? In this article, we will be dealing with the

thought patterns/behaviors of an abusive person, what scripture says, and suggest

possible ways of attaining victory. I use the term possible because the subject is so

complex that the answers cannot be definitive. The reality is that the solution depends

Written By Michelle C. Danko

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on a combination of what is best to do given the present individuals and circum-

stances, and the Bible. The “right” thing is doing what is in the best interest of the indi-

viduals and making strides towards a healthy relationship or reconciliation.

The need for power and control is a prevalent trait in abusers. Generally, abusers

have a strong fear that another person will control them. This may stem from child-

hood abuse, or witnessed domestic violence between parents. However, I should note

that even if there was abuse in the home, there is only a fifty percent chance that the

child will exhibit the same behavior. Some are so disgusted by the abuse, that they

vow never to engage in such behavior, and others vow to never let someone control

them. These are the ones who become abusive in their relationships.

Abusers feel as if they have to control the other person so that the other person can’t

control them, or “take advantage” of them. They control their spouse’s time, finances,

relationships, etc because it creates a sense of security. They also use a pattern of

tactics aimed at creating fear, shame, and helplessness in the victim. This is so the

victim questions their reality, and eventually feels that they cannot survive without the

abuser. Along with this tactic goes social isolation of the victim.

Abusers will also randomly change the “rules” or exceptions that need to be met to

avoid abuse. The abusers constant degradation, intimidation, and demands are effec-

tive in establishing fear and dependence.

A common myth is that abusers have difficulty in controlling their aggression. The re-

ality is that only five to ten percent of abusers have difficulty controlling their temper.

Aggression, whether emotional or physical, is a tactic used to control their victim into

submission. If the victim fears them, then they are easier to control.

The challenge with the myth that abusers cannot control their anger is that many

counselors will recommend anger management courses which don’t work, and doesn’t

address the underlying issues.

The truth is that their spouse has no desire to control the abuser, but all displays of

independence act as a threat. For example, a request of “I need money for gifts” may

be seen as a threat to an abuser. Instead of hearing “I need money for gifts”, they

hear that the other person wants to take money away from them, and they wonder how

much they will take, and whether there will be enough for them.

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God doesn’t want one person to control another but rather to love one another (John

13:24; Ephesians 4:2; 2 Corinthians 13:11). A misused reference involves the phrase

in Ephesians 5:22-26 which states that wives must submit to their husbands. It has

been distorted to indicate that wives are to be submissive to their husbands, and that

they are inferiors, which is not the case. The rest of the scripture reads:

“For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the

Savior of [His] body. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in

everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church

and gave Himself up for her so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the

washing of water with the Word” (Ephesians 5:23-26)

To understand the full meaning of this scripture, you have to examine the relationship

between Christ and the church (due to the length of the discussion, I cannot go into it

in detail.) Neither dominated the other, but rather the bridegroom (Christ) gave himself

up for his bride. Further scripture refers to wives

as “helpmeets” but never are they given a subordinate role. In fact, when God created

woman He didn’t take a bone out of Adam’s head or foot, but rather his rib (his side)!

This may be seen as an indicator of how God saw women.

Instead of edifying the abuser’s spouse, which is what we are told to do, the abuser

instills feelings of helplessness, fear, shame and dependence. If the abuser wishes to

walk in victory, they need to realize that what they are doing is against God’s word.

This is not walking in love, but giving into a fear-based fleshly desire. They need to

confront the source of their fear and forgive their “abuser”. Otherwise they will remain

a captive of someone else’s mistakes and keep perpetuating what can, and has been

deemed as a generational curse (generational curses may also need to be broken).

Most abusers are also charming, kind, and amiable in public, but are demanding,

controlling, and manipulative in private. One would never guess that behind closed

doors they belittle their spouse. This tactic allows them to avoid being held account-

able to other people.

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Abusers also engage in blaming the victim for their behavior. They may claim

that the victim provoked them in some fashion. By blaming the victim, the abuser

avoids taking responsibility. In addition, many abusers may blame their behavior on

stress, or other outside factors as the reason for their behavior.

Abusive individuals rarely see their actions as harmful. As a result, they often deny,

justify, or minimize their behavior. In their mind, they couldn’t have possibly done

something that hurtful.

The solution is ultimately the

abuser needs to recognize

that abuse is not normal, nor

is it acceptable, and find an ac-

countability partner. It

needs to be a good Christian

person who is able to speak

into the abuser’s life

about their be- havior, and

someone who is willing to give

correction when neces-

sary.

However, be- ing an account-

ability partner is not easy, since most abusers will not take responsibility for their ac-

tions and instead will place blame on the victim. By making the victim responsible, they

do not have to face their own actions and realize that they are responsible for harming

another human being. The accountability partner needs to have a fair amount of

knowledge on the subject of abuse in order to cut through the “smoke and mirrors” of

the abuser.

Victims can pray over their abusers that the abuse stops (works best in emotional

abuse situations). God can take away the desire to control, or can convict the abuser

of their actions. To most people, this sounds like a fairy tale, however I have heard nu-

merous testimonies where this has worked! After all, you can’t believe that God is un-

able to turn what was meant for harm into something for His glory- that would be

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unscriptural. Scripture also states that “all things are possible in Christ who strength-

ens me”.

Some abusers also struggle with low self-esteem. They will often try to turn their vic-

tims into who they think they should be (which turns out to be exactly like them)

through aggressive tactics. They think that if this person becomes what I want them to

be, then I won’t be unhappy. What ends up happening is that they see their flaws,

which in turn, increases the abuse.

Abusers need to know that only a relationship with God can make them feel fulfilled.

Only time spent in the word can wash away all of the bad experiences in their past and

can create a fresh start. Abusers need to know how God sees them, and what the

word says about them. Once scripture gets into their heart, and their mind becomes

renewed, can change really happen.

The issue of physical abuse is one that is difficult to create a solution for. Society

suggests divorce because there is a chance that the abuser could harm the victim

again. However, reconciliation, by some, is often discouraged. We know that God

frowns on divorce (except in the case of marital infidelity) Matthew 5:22; Matthew 19:8-

9). However, if the victim is in serious physical danger, then a time of separation may

be beneficial to both parties. The abuser can get help, while the victim remains safe,

and can work on regaining their self-esteem. However, separation should only be for a

short period so that temptation cannot enter into the marriage, and reconciliation

should be the ultimate goal.

Regarding emotional abuse, the victim can pray that God convicts their spouse of

abuse. It is advised that they do not get into debates with their partner as they will not/

hardly ever (unless their partner is open) win the debate. The victim needs to set

boundaries and walk away from a heated debate when necessary. This allows the vic-

tim to gain and feel in control of their life. They need to let the abuser know that they

love them, but don’t love their behavior towards them. They need to let them know

that it is hurtful, and unacceptable, and will no longer be tolerated. It is a tough stance,

but this sometimes breaks the cycle.

Abusers aren’t generally “bad” people, but they do engage in some harmful

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behaviors. Some do feel truly remorseful, but feel powerless in controlling their ac-

tions. They need to first realize that what they are doing is not normal, and seek help

to stop the cycle. They need to accept responsibility for their actions, face what they

have done, and figure out how to prevent further attacks. Friends and the proper

counselor can help tremendously in this process- but it just begins with taking the first

step. The “smoke and mirrors” thinking needs to be broken down and truth must pre-

vail. It is a difficult journey, but one worth taking! If this is you, I wish you victory.

Faith Filled Family Magazine is searching for people who have a passion for writing, and a desire to impact families with the word of God. If you are interested, please visit our website at www.faithfilledfamily.com for further i n f o r m a t i o n , o r c o n t a c t u s a t mcdanko@faithfilledfamily.com

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Written By Michelle C. Danko

fuicide is basically defined quite simply as the “death of one-

self”, and studies have ranked the month of February as having

the highest suicide rate. The reasons for taking ones life are

complex- there are no common denominators with people who

choose to take their own life. Could this demise have been

avoided? Absolutely! Many people who end up committing

suicide will talk about ending their life and have a plan before

they even carry it out. The difficulty is whether people take

them seriously (many people see suicidal threats as attention-

getters), will listen, will get involved and help. So what do you

do when someone you know is contemplating suicide? How

do you help them? What does God say about taking your life?

People think about ending their life for many reasons ranging

from financial difficulties to struggles in their relationships.

Challenges that once were minor issues suddenly become

mountains that the individual struggles to overcome. If the per-

son can’t deal with what is happening, and has a negative per-

spective, things become overwhelming and despair followed by

a sense of hopelessness begin to set it. The end result is a

defeated individual who feels as if they have no control over

their situation, and who can not see a way out. They feel that

they only have one solution, which is death, and they begin to

believe the lies of the enemy about who they are and what their

purpose is in life.

The sense of hopelessness begins simply enough. Little

challenges have become big problems in that person’s eyes

and they feel as if they cannot overcome them. Satan feeds

22

them lies that they are worthless, are failures, will never be successful, and that every-

one is better off without them. They begin to believe that they can’t get victory in their

situation. If they are Christians, they may believe that God has abandoned them when

He is hugging them and telling them to hold on.

They begin to think about suicide at

first, and if they aren’t mindful, begin to

meditate on that thought. That thought

if meditated on takes root and gets into

their heart. Then they begin to take

action by formulating a plan and visual-

ize how to carry it out and when. They

will often confide in someone close to

them about what they are about to do.

It is this person who becomes crucial in

this process. If the person contemplat-

ing suicide is ignored often enough,

they may begin to say their final good-

byes and carry out their plan. If the

friend listens, they may be able to help

and change a person’s life.

The challenge is that many people

feel ill equipped to deal with a person

threatening to kill themselves, or they feel that the person isn’t serious, and just wants

attention. However, the

question is can you afford to take that chance? Mostly people just don’t know what to

do, or where to turn.

First, you want to empower the person that is contemplating suicide. Ultimately they

need to feel as if they are capable of making their own decisions, and they can’t al-

ways rely on you to solve their problems. Ask them open-ended questions such as “If

you could change something in your life what would it be?” or “What would you like to

be different in your life?” Listen to what they are saying as it will give you valuable in-

formation on how to help them. Then get them to create a plan of action. Ask them

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how they can initiate this change. What can they do to make things better.

If you are confronted with a person who has a plan, ask them about their plan. Don’t

worry; it isn’t going to encourage them to kill themselves. It will give you information in

case they do commit suicide, when they are likely to, and how in case they do who you

can contact for assistance.

If they are in the midst of killing themselves and they have the means, then you need

to either help, or get assistance. If they have a weapon, you need to say that you want

to help them, but are uncomfortable with the weapon. Ask them to please put it aside.

If they won’t, please respect their decision, but proceed with caution. Fortunately, most

will put it down. Then proceed with talking and a plan of action.

If they have attempted suicide and are still conscious get them help immediately. Call

9-1-1 and give them as much details as possible. If pills are swallowed, they need to

know what they are and how many have been consumed. If a weapon was involved,

they need that information.

Above all, remain calm (I know it’s hard). I was a distress line councilor for several

years and have dealt with numerous people who wanted to commit suicide. It isn’t as

hard as you think to keep calm and have a level head because you are dealing with

someone you care about and their well-being becomes your main focus.

If you are thinking that suicide is the answer, please realize that it is not. You may

feel as if God has abandoned you, but he hasn’t. The bible says that He knew you

even before you were knit together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:12-14). He cre-

ated you with a plan and a purpose. It isn’t His will that you perish, but to live a life of

victory. You will never be faced with any situation that God hasn’t provided a way out

of. . . You just need to ask.

If God created you with a purpose- His important purpose- why would he abandon

you? He loved you so much that he sacrificed his only son so that we would live in vic-

tory. Think about this . . . A loving father sacrificing his only son for the sake of the rest

of his children. It’s a powerful statement of God’s love for you, and of your significance

to him. If you die, God’s plan, his will for your life, and his blessings for you die with

you.

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In times of trouble lean on God and ask Him what to do about the situation. He will

lead you into victory. Read your Bible and meditate on the Word. It will renew your

mind, help you with life’s challenges, and will let you know how God sees you. He

thinks you are perfect.

Suicide is never the answer to life’s challenges. It devastates families deeply to

loose a loved one. It ends God’s plan and purpose for you prematurely. The road to

recovery is to not believe the lies of the enemy that you are worthless. That’s not what

God says about you- but Satan would have you believe it. You need to cast down

these thoughts and lift your cares to the Lord. His burden is light and his yoke is easy.

He will always guide your steps.

If you are feeling suicidal, or know someone who is, there are many resources out

there such as The Hope Line (Canada and U.S.), or check out www.suicideinfo.ca

(com) for a list of services in your area. There is always help.

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The opening scene of this movie: A

grade eight teenaged male sitting in a

bathtub with a knife to his throat waiting

for an answer. He desperately prays

over and over again “Why should I not

do it? Why God?” The very center of his

being wanting an answer – waiting,

seeking it – the darkness in his mind and

holding him is almost sucking his physi-

cal being into oblivion. Almost audible is

the light whisper of death chanting for his

hand to finish – mocking him for not be-

ing strong enough and be a man and fin-

ish himself.

Something though stops him – it is an

even fainter whisper – one of comfort,

but this one comes from inside. The

voice says “Son, it is hard but we can do

this. Let’s take some time and leave this

place!”

Rising from the bathtub he washes the

large knife in the kitchen sink and puts it

away. He goes into the basement, lies

down, and cries for a few hours until his

Mother and Sister come home from

whatever errand they were on. Later, he

goes upstairs showing no one signs of

his previous situation.

Why start with that? Seriously in such

an uplifting and wonderful magazine –

you start with that? The simple answer

is Yes!!

Written By Shawn E. Wiggins

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I am sorry if I have offended you, but this was my life in grade eight – almost every

Saturday or time when I was the only one home. God was working with me, but I

wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone. It’s not a way anyone should be taught, but

my Father in heaven knew what he was doing. You see, he was guiding me through

the steps of spiritual adoption.

What drove me to do this? Numerous things:

The family I had included substance abuse, many drug users and even sexual devi-

ance – all by Uncles, Aunts, and cousins. So it never happened to me directly - that is

until grade five when my mother separated from my father. Suddenly, I was getting a

new father, and he introduced me to what an alcoholic parent is like, and pornography.

Grade six was interesting!

During Junior High, thought, the catalyst was bullying which drove me to suicidal

thoughts. I was picked on daily, and nothing was being done by those I trusted: teach-

ers, friends, family- or even by myself. I felt powerless, so I accepted I was the punch-

ing bag.

It got to the point where at school I was mocked everywhere I went. My nickname

was “Fat boy”. Kids from grade seven to nine would yell that in the hall. When the

teacher was out of the room, the entire class would chant it – even my “nerd” friends

just to fit in.

On the way home I would have to be careful not to get caught by the “cool” gang.

They would take turns beating me up with eight to fourteen guys against me alone.

There was the odd time I would fight back, but I was always on the losing end!

When I got home I had to be perfect to cover for my mother’s indiscretion to stay

married to my alcoholic step-father. He would get after me for not being home some-

times, and for my grades not being perfect. It provided him with an excuse to either

come down on me, or mock me. He was always trying to get me to be involved in his

habits and hobbies - of which I had no interest.

So, if anyone was a candidate for suicide and a victim of bullying it was me. So I was

given a choice – laid before me as plain as day. Do I become bitter, or let it go? I

loved God and wanted to be part of his world and family so I choose let it go! We all

know where bitterness ends. We have seen that in the original school shooting

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I remember with Columbine.

The scary thing is I feel for those kids. I cry when their story is told. They were little

boys inside looking for power, for control, and they choose poorly. They thought they

could show the world their pain. . .their hurt. . . and make us all hurt because of it. If

that had happened today with our YouTube or Facebook, and the continued twenty-

four hour news cycle – it might have been the story for a few weeks. Then it would

have died off just the same as it did back then.

They did leave a lasting mark- those two bullied kids. It is a sad one, though, of over-

reaction. Anytime a kid gets it in their mind to say or write a threat they are looked

over and treated as a criminal even though that note or words said might have been all

that would have been done. It may have just been simply a cry for help, a cry for

someone to listen to them, or for someone- anyone- to pay attention to what was hap-

pening. Those two friends took something away from all of us, yet they gained nothing

for it.

So what happened with me I am hoping you asked? God is what happened.

In grade nine I was not perfect, but things started to change. God changed my per-

spective first – you see everyone at my Junior High knew who I was. What they did

may have been mean and wrong – but they still knew who I was, so I was well-known.

Also, I started to help those very people who mocked and bullied me in math and sci-

ence. My teacher was confused. He actually asked me one day why, and the only an-

swer I had was it was the right thing to do!

Through High School and on God has taken me aside and told me he loved me, and

that I am his son. If anyone picks on me, or mocks me, it is either jealousy or fear, or a

combination of both. I have come to accept this. Peace and gentleness are my ideal

in life, which is good coming from a 6’5” man, who can easily bench press two hundred

and ten pounds after only a couple weeks of workouts.

I am not perfect, and I cannot do it on my own, which is why I have such an awe-

some family in faith. Yahweh has taught me the value of all those I know, from those

at church to those I write columns for – and especially my wife and daughter. I have

been given a lot – I do not deserve it, which only reminds me of his awesome mercy

and grace.

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Testimonial

Whenever I look back over my life and think of all the times God has shown Himself to me, I can’t help but re-

member a time when my dad was a perfect example of the love of God.

For years I had been a thorn in the side of my parents. For some reason, maybe rooted in anger or frustration, all

I really seemed to accomplish for them was one disappointment after another. Suspensions, arrests, phone calls

from the school, visits from the police – the kind of kid that other parents didn’t want their child being with.

My dad is a strong man, not given to showing an incredible amount of over-emotion in times of difficulty and chal-

lenge but I can remember him very clearly the morning he had picked me up from jail. I had spent the night after

being arrested for an extensive amount of vandalism to school property.

It is to this day the only time I have ever seen my father cry.

I was at my worst. I can only imagine – myself now also a father of two little ones – what an incredible disappoint-

ment this must have been to him.

The following months were a number of expensive drives to a lawyer, police statements, court visits - all of

which we drove to without one word passing between us. There are no real words to describe the shame I felt. I’m

sure it was somewhat equal to the pain I was putting him through.

About three months after my arrest, my lawyer had gotten me through a provision that allowed my case to be

turned over to a different criminal process. Rather than face a court, I would stand before the Youth Criminal Jus-

tice Committee of Stonewall. It was an alternative system that the town had in place for first time offenders. Al-

though I could receive a harsher sentence, the only advantage for me was that the charge would never be entered

onto my criminal record.

It was on that night, when I appeared before the committee, that my father showed me how deep and wide is the

love of God.

The committee was made up of seven people from the town to whom was given authority to pass sentence on

young offenders who were brought before them. Not even two months before this night, I had the complete experi-

ence of turning my life over to Jesus Christ. With my dad at my side, I had the opportunity to share this experience

with the entire committee and the incredible changes that were taking place in my life.

Luckily, Darrell - the youth pastor from the church I was attending- was on that committee to validate my story. He

had been spending time helping me make some of the more difficult transitions into my new life in Christ and felt

comfortable assuring them that what I was sharing was genuine. After that, my dad and I left the room while they

were to decide the punishment for my vandalism.

My dad and I waited down the hall for what I remember being the longest forty- five minutes of my life. During that

time, the usual silence between my dad and I still lingered, but not with the same awkwardness. There was a calm

that he had that was somehow different- almost proud. I could tell that he too believed me to be genuine.

Written by Danny MacKay

29

We were called back into the room and sat in the same seats. Although I was bracing for the worst, the commit-

tee seemed to carry a light tone while beginning to share their decision. They had decided that I had shown “above

average” remorse and therefore was not in need to undergo community service, since I was already beginning a

significant change in behavior. Not to be completely without consequence, however, they did decide that without

question, I was to repay my third of the $2503 worth of damage. This came to an overwhelming $834.03 for a kid

who had never more than ten or eleven bucks in his pocket.

Feeling completely engulfed by a debt I had no idea how to repay, I sank into my chair knowing that I would be

working to pay off my debt for a very long time. This was going to hang over me, I remember thinking, longer than I

had anticipated.

At that very moment, while I was still powerless, my dad asked them to repeat the amount. After hearing it again,

he sat up in his chair. He reached into his pocket, took out his chequebook, scribbled in the amount, signed his

name, tore it out, and handed it to them. He did it so unquestioningly.

I was completely stunned. He paid the full amount out of his own pocket to free me from what I couldn’t repay.

Who else would have done this for me? He did it for only one reason- he was my father and I was his son.

As my dad was signing several of the forms he was to fill out, I couldn’t remember ever feeling so loved by him in

all my life. On top of all the disappointments that I had brought him, I was fully aware of what that amount of money

must have cost him as well. Sitting there, all I could think of to say was the quietest “I love you, dad” ever spoken

by human lips. “I love you too, son” was his reply. Spoken so softly I don’t think the others in the room even heard

us, but I can still remember the thunder of it ringing through my entire being.

Through the years that have gone by, I have often come to think of that night and just how perfectly my dad

showed God’s love. We all stand before our Heavenly Father guilty, awaiting our sentence, and engulfed by a debt

we can never repay. But God Himself rose from His throne, wrote a cheque on the body of Christ, and cashed it on

the cross. His payment for our debt was paid not just in part, but in whole.

Christ Himself took away our shame and worked His life to earn what would be our freedom. Though He was not

the guilty one, God had Him die for us in our place so that we could be forgiven and set free. A debt for damages

must be paid and it cost the Father dearly to give His Son. But it was His love that motivated Him. It was not nails

that held Christ to that cross - it was love.

Jesus came knowing what the Father was calling Him to do – He was to be a substitute for the punishment we

deserved, allowing us to go free. God so loved the world that He GAVE His only Son, that whoever believes in Him

will not perish, but have eternal life. An incredible gift from a God whose love knows no limits and willingness to

sacrifice has no bounds.

Sometimes, in those magical moments when I reach out to God and can sense His presence all around me, I still

find myself feeling that same thunder pound through me like it did on that night in Stonewall. In those moments, I

can barely lift my voice to Heaven as again too quiet for anyone around to hear, I whisper to my Heavenly Father, “I

love you, Dad.”

Even before I can finish, The Author of Life always responds the same: “I love you too, son.”

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