Emotions

1. Tools for managing emotions a) EQ – Emotional Quotient b) “Anybody can become angry - that is easy; but

to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” - Aristotle

c) EQ is about emotional maturity d) IQ is something we are born with – we don’t

control it; EQ is something we learn – anybody can attain a high EQ

e) There is a big difference between learning about emotional maturity and applying what we know

f) EQ consists of four parts A. Self-awareness

a) Able to identify your emotions b) Aware of your emotional triggers

i. Triggers of shame, anger, hopelessness, insecurity, abandonment, fear

ii. How people, places and things trigger you – children, parents, partner, music, loneliness, being alone

c) Aware of patterns – the pull they have on you i. Thinking – obsessive thoughts, distortions,

lies – how quickly they turn dark/negative ii. Other emotions iii. Actions – old behaviours – some form of F,F,F

d) Note: Relapse often begins when you begin to disconnect from your emotions. Take a daily emotional inventory so that you are aware

e) Learn your early warning signs - when you are in a negative emotion headspace – fear – irritable, demanding, obsessive thinking; depression – irritable, bigger bubble, more negative, antsy

B. Self-management a) Managing emotions in a healthy way. You

must learn a new set of tools. This is one of the hardest parts of Recovery

b) Grounding - Deescalating intense emotions i. Relapse and harmful/hurtful behaviours

are triggered by intense emotions. The limbic system wants to take over – trump the cortex (this happens in a nanosecond)

ii. It secretes cortisol, which gives you intense emotional escalation so that you can do a better job at Fight or Flight

c) In trying to shut down your cerebral cortex, it’s getting you to forget everything you’ve learned about being healthy and the tools you learned

d) The goal of Grounding is to get your Cerebral Cortex back on line

i. Making a new choice in that nanosecond when you feel a strong pull to respond in old, unhealthy ways. Not easy, but possible

ii. Breathe, 5 senses, walk, talk, count iii. “be present” – identify where your hands and

feet are, date

iv. Visualize - remote control – turn down volume; stove – back burner

e) Note: The earlier you can see an unhealthy pattern happening, the earlier you can stop it

f) Note: This is about taking responsibility for your responses to emotions. It is not OK to get angry and hit someone, and then blame them for it

g) Note: If parent was angry/depressed, and only responded in unhealthy way, it is easy to think that is the only way to respond

C. Social awareness a) Being aware of other’s emotions b) How to read body language and facial

expressions D. Relationship management

a) Learning how to express emotions to others i. Appropriate anger, anxiety, hurt

b) Learning how to deal with people who are acting out in a unhealthy way

i. Most are afraid of an angry person ii. How to respond to your child when they

are sad, angry, fearful, hurt

5. Other Tools a) Avoid getting drawn into drama/chaos b) Deal with stuff when it comes up.

Procrastination can lead to the buildup of stress, which can trigger very negative patterns

c) Learn what circumstances to accept, and which ones to work to change

d) Clear conscience – lack of guilt e) Spiritual health f) Finding enjoyable hobbies, activities g) Healthy Boundaries – learn to say “no”

h) When you feel the negative pull of emotions, develop ways to force yourself to do what you need to do – often the opposite to what you’re feeling

i) Recovery is learning to follow your wise brain (cerebral cortex) – doing the right thing – even when you don’t feel like doing it (limbic brain)

j) Note: For many people, they can’t do this alone. They need to get out of the house and with people, in order to get out of their head

• Psalms – the journals of healthy people as they dealt with life – These people are honest and real; they experience all kinds of emotions and thoughts; and they have no problem turning to God with total openness and honesty

• Tonight – Psalms that were written as people were dealing with depression

• How the writers of the Psalms deal with the topic a) Cause b) What it feels like c) What makes it worse d) Responding to it in a healthy way

1. Psalm 42 A. Cause – No cause given. He is just depressed

and can’t figure out why – “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?”

B. What it feels like a) Thirst, a deep and powerful longing - “As

the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?”

b) Lots of crying – “My tears have been my food day and night”

c) It feels like God has forgotten all about him – “While people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?... I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”

d) Noisy in my head and spirit – “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls” – Pictures the noise that crashing waves make as waves calling out to other waves

e) Feels like I’m drowning – “all your waves and breakers have swept over me.”

f) Physical pain – “My bones suffer mortal agony”

C. What makes it worse a) Memories of sweet intimacy with God –

“These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng”

D. How he chooses to respond a) Choose to trust – “Put your hope in God, for I

will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

b) Choose to remember God’s character and what He has done in the past – “My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan”

c) Look for evidence of God’s love every day – “By day the LORD directs his love”

d) Choose to sing – “at night his song is with me” e) Pour out your heart even though it feels like your

prayers are bouncing off the ceiling – “a prayer to the God of my life.”

f) Note: He vacillates between trust and despair – “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and God.”

g) Deep down he knows that God will bring him through this eventually

2. Psalm 88 A. Cause - “LORD, you are the God who saves me;

day and night I cry out to you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. I am overwhelmed with troubles.”

B. What it feels like a) Like I’m dying - “life draws near to death. I am

counted among those who go down to the pit”

b) “I am like one without strength.”

c) Forgotten by people and by God – “I am set apart with the dead, like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more, who are cut off from your care.”

d) In a deep, dark pit – “You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths.”

e) Feels like God is angry with me – “Your wrath lies heavily on me; you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.” And it hits him repeatedly, like one wave after another

f) All alone – “You have taken from me my closest friends and have made me repulsive to them.” – even friends have pulled away; they don’t want anything to do with me

g) Feel like I’m caught in a trap or in prison – “I am confined and cannot escape”

h) Constant crying; blinded by tears – “my eyes are dim with grief.”

i) Constant praying, but it feels like the prayers bounce off the ceiling – “I call to you, LORD, every day; I spread out my hands to you. Do you show your wonders to the dead? But I cry to you for help, LORD; in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?”

j) “You have taken from me friend and neighbor— darkness is my closest friend.”

C. What made it worse - He has had a very difficult life – more difficult than most – life has been one struggle after another

• “From my youth I have suffered and been close to death; all day long terrors surround me like a flood”

D. What helped a) Note: The psalm ends with “Darkness is my

closest friend”. It’s the only psalm that doesn’t end with hope or anything positive

b) All he does is beg God for relief c) Sometimes, nothing we do lifts our

depression. We have to just sit in it