Session III

Tactical Approaches to Difficult Behavior

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND DEALING

WITH DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS A QUADRANT SYSTEM

Self

Awareness

Social

Awareness

Self

Management

Relationship

Management

WHY ARE PEOPLE DIFFICULT?

1. Stress

2. Illness

3. Living in the past

4. Differences of opinion

5. Emotional immaturity or

emotionally wounded

6. Misunderstandings

7. Unresolved conflict

8. Physical environment

9. Office negativity

10. Communication barriers

11. Personal challenges

12. Different belief systems

13. Feel threatened

EIGHT WAYS TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE

1. Unfair Comparisons

2. Fighting Reality

3. Misplaced Focus of Attention on the Self

4. Living w/o Purpose

5. Unhealthy Life Style

6. Negativism – Complaining – Gossiping

7. Lack of Gratitude

8. Black & White Thinking

ANALYZING DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR

What factors might be driving their difficult behavior?

AGREE OR DISAGREE?

People I work with would agree that this person(s) is difficult.

AGREE OR DISAGREE?

I often have to work with someone that I find difficult?

TWO FACES OF CONFLICT

Conflicts of Personality

• Should-ism

• Attitudes

• Relationships

• Power

• Competition

Conflicts of Substance

• Issues

• Ideas

• Principles

• Methods

• Values

BEHAVIORS I FIND DIFFICULT

The behaviors that I find most difficult to deal with are :

Personality Based

Power Based

Hygiene or Etiquette Based

Communication Based

Trust Based

Work Ethic Based

IDENTIFYING DIFFICULT BEHAVIOR

Identify three behaviors that you find difficult. Be specific in your description and note why

these behaviors are difficult. What problems or issues do these behaviors create in the work

environment?

Behavior #1:

Behavior #2:

Behavior #3:

OUTCOME FOCUS

out·come

/ˈoutˌkəm/

noun

the way a thing turns out; a consequence.

"it is the outcome of the vote that counts"

Similar: result, end result, consequence, net result, upshot, effect

BEHAVIOR VS. ATTITUDE AND PERSONALITY

What behaviors do you want or need to have changed

What do you want the other person to:

1. Do differently (change)

2. To do less of (stop)

3. To do more off (start)

AGREE OR DISAGREE?

When this person becomes difficult I ignore their behavior even though it bothers me.

AGREE OR DISAGREE?

When this person becomes difficult I assert myself and confront the issue.

Avoidance

First Strike

Composed Confrontation

Not-So-Composed Confrontation

Get Angry

Document Now, Ambush Later

Cry

Talk to others (build consensus)

Empathy

Hold Accountable Now, Document

After

Other

CURRENT TACTICS

5 WAYS TO PROLONG DIFFICULTIES

• Taking an indirect approach

• Nag

• Drop hints

• Make generalized remarks to everyone (Blanket Emails)

• Make vague comments to the person

• Avoid the individual or the issue

What happens when you take an indirect approach?

5 WAYS TO EFFECTIVELY DEAL WITH

DIFFICULTIES

• Taking an direct approach

• Address their actions and deal with the facts

• Timing is everything

• Do it in person and in private

• Pick your battles

• Be prepared for their response

What happens when you take a direct approach?

18

Push Pull Influence

ROLL PLAY #1

19

In the following scenario I will role play one of your peers. Your job is to

“influence” me to change my behavior.

You need me to provide you with necessary information to

accomplish your goal. Giving you the information is not

high on my priority list.

What will you say?

How will you deal with this behavior?

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Push When Pull When Push/Pull When

You need to make your

expectations clear

You want to be seen as

proactive

You want to build a strong

case for your position

You believe the other does not

understand the full

repercussions of an action

You need a focused direct

approach

You need to build the

relationship

You want the other to be more

involved

You need more information or

deeper understanding

You want to build trust

You need to defuse an angry

or emotional situation

You want the other to know the

specific pay-off to an action

You want to be seen as having

balance to your approach

You want to express confidence

and support

You want to build an alliance or

team

ROLL PLAY #1 RERUN

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You need me to provide you with necessary information to

accomplish your goal. Giving you the information is not high on my

priority list.

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION IS E.A.S.Y.

E: Express how you feel

A: Address the situation

S: Say what you want to have happen

Y: Ask a yes or no question

EASY SCRIPT OUTLINE

E: I am/I feel ____________________

A: Here’s why:

S: Here is what I want to have happen:

Y: Yes or No?

E: EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL (PUSH- ASSERT)

Make I statements

Use a single word, no modifiers

Make eye contact

Square shoulders

Lower your tonality

• “Mary, I’m surprised.”

• “Bill, I’m disappointed.”

• “Mark, I’m concerned.”

A: ADDRESS THE SITUATION (PUSH- PROVIDE RATIONALE)

State facts not opinions or emotions

Delete the need to judge, focus on behavior

Avoid relying on assumptions or intuition

Maintain eye contact

Ask not to be interrupted

State impact

• “Here’s why…”

S: SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN (PUSH- ASSERT OR SUGGEST)

Be clear, direct

Be concise, avoid rambling manifestos

Avoid debate, request to be heard ( you can negotiate later)

Avoid being loud but project your voice

Do not apologize, Do not say, “I’m sorry but…”

Ask for what you want

• “Here’s what I want to have happen…”

Y: ASK A YES OR NO QUESTION (PULL- ASK A FOCUSED QUESTION)

State the question so that it can be answer only with “yes” or “no”

Use “will you” not “can you”

Restate your requirements as an agreement

Be prepared for their response, how will you deal with a “No” or in appropriate reaction

Resist the desire to speak in the awkward silence that can follow the question

• “So in the future you will…”

• “Just to be sure we are in agreement whenever…you will…”

• “I want to be able to count on the fact that you will…”

EASY Example

Your boss let’s you know that your work partner, Paul has

indicated that he did the majority of work on a project which the two of you have worked on for the last month.

However, the reality is that you did most of the work.

EASY Example

E- “Paul, I am concerned.” A- Here’s why: “Mr. Anderson told me that you told him you

did the majority of work on the project. In the month we worked together, you completed two sections; I completed ten. You were on vacation two weeks during the project, missed the final inspection and I completed 100% of the follow up work.”

S- Here is what I want to have happen: “Mr. Anderson should

know that I did the bulk of the work.” Y– “Do you want to speak to him? Or shall I?”

EASY Test Drive

E: I am/I feel ____________________ A: Here’s why: S: Here is what I want to have happen: Y: Yes or No?

The Intimidator

ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION IS E.A.S.Y.

E: Express how you feel

A: Address the situation

S: Say what you want to have happen

Y: Ask a yes or no question

IDENTIFYING THE SOURCE

The difficult people I work with are:

• My leaders

• My followers (direct reports/students)

• My peers

• Outside sources (vendors/parents/ bureaucracy/other departments)

AGREE OR DISAGREE?

I feel I can deal with this difficult behavior without having to involve anyone else.

AGREE OR DISAGREE

I would like to have help in dealing with this situation but feel

uncomfortable asking anyone to intervene.

AGREE OR DISAGREE

Work difficulties spill over into my personal life.

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Push Pull Influence