PRAISEFOREmotionalIntelligence2.0

“Allsentientbeingspossessawareness,butamongthemhumanbeingspossessgreatintelligence.Subjecttoaconstantstreamofpositiveandnegativethoughtsandemotions,whatdistinguishesusashumanbeingsis thatwearecapableofpositivechange.EmotionalIntelligence2.0succinctlyexplainshowtodealwithemotionscreativelyandemployourintelligenceinabeneficialway.”

—theDalaiLama“Afastreadwithcompellinganecdotesandgoodcontextinwhichtounderstandandimproveyourscore.”

—Newsweek“Surveysof500,000peopleontheroleofemotionsindailylifehaveenabledtheauthorstohoneEQassessmenttoa28-questiononlinesurvey

thatcanbecompletedinsevenminutes.”—TheWashingtonPost“Readworthystrategiesforimprovingemotional

intelligenceskillsmakethisourhow-tobookoftheweek.It’snicetoknowthataverageIQdoesn’tlimitapersontoaverageperformance.Andwhocanresistan

onlinequizwithinstantfeedback?”—Newsday“Thisbookgivesabundant,practicalfindingsandinsightswith

emphasisonhowtodevelopEQ.ResearchshowsconvincinglythatEQismoreimportantthanIQinalmosteveryroleandmanytimesmoreimportantin

leadershiproles.”—StephenR.Covey,authoroftheperennialbestseller,

The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople“Emotionalintelligenceisanextremelyimportantskilltohaveforpersonalandprofessionalsuccess.Thisbookisexcellentandthelearningincludedinthefreeonlinetestiscutting-edge.Istronglyrecommendit.”

—KenBlanchard,bestsellingbusinessbookauthorofalltime;coauthorTheOneMinuteManager®

“Myclients tend tobeverysuccessfuland incrediblybusy.Thisbookdeliversvaluable insightswithoutwasting time!Mycoachesand Ihavedonepowerfulworkaidedbythisbookandtheemotionalintelligencetestthatcomeswithit.Afantastic combination for learning the skills that are critical to high jobperformance.”

—MarshallGoldsmith,bestsellingauthorofWhatGotYouHereWon’tGetYouThere,and

premierexecutiveeducatorasrankedbyTheWallStreetJournal,Forbes,TheHarvardBusinessReview,

andFastCompany“Atlastabookthatgiveshowto’sratherthanjustwhatto’s.Weneednomoreconvincing that emotional intelligence is at the core of life success.Whatwe

need are practicalways of improving it.Bradberry andGreaves’ brilliant newbookisagodsend.Itwillchangeyourlife.”

—JosephGrenny,NewYorkTimesbestsellingcoauthorof,CrucialConversations

“This book is filled with wisdom, inspiration, and practical advice, rooted ingroundbreaking research. The authors’ positive strategies are immenselypowerful and will change the way you look at your life, your work, and theworld.”

—CaptainD.MichaelAbrashoff,authorofthebestsellerIt’sYourShip

“Ifyou’rewonderingwhyyourcareerisstalledorplateaued—orifyousimplywant to get on the fast track to the next level—this book is a must-read.Emotionalintelligenceisthesinequanonofsuccessatworkandthisbookgivesyouaquick-starttodevelopingcriticalskillsandbehaviorstocomplementyourtechnicalexpertise.”

—LoisP.Frankel,Ph.D.,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor,NiceGirlsDon’tGettheCornerOffice

“This book is a wake-up call for anyone who wants to dramatically improvetheirwork life and strengthen their relationships.Drs. Bradberry andGreavesoffer powerful research, practical strategies, and fascinating stories that willtransformthewaywethinkaboutourselvesandhowweinteractwiththosewecareaboutthemost.”

—JimLoehr,NewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor,ThePowerofFullEngagement

“I distributed the book to my entire team. We found it very helpful in ourdealingswitheachotherandourinternalcustomers.Withallthenewbuzzwordsover thepast fewyears, theheartandsoulofacompany’sculture ishowtheysupport and promote emotional intelligence. Those with foresight see thatemotional intelligence will separate the good companies from the great ones.Thisbookisawonderfultoolforagrass-rootsapproach.Ifyourdesireistobeatrulyresonantleaderthatpeoplewilltrustandfollow,thisisanopportunitythatcannot only change your professional career, but also your personalrelationships.”

—ReginaSacha,vicepresident,humanresources,FedExCustomCritical

“In the fast lane of business life today, people spendmore time on computerkeyboards, BlackBerries and conference calls than they do in face-to-facecommunication.We’reexpectedtopiecetogetherbrokenconversations,crypticvoicemails,andabbreviatedtextmessagestofigureouthowtoproceed.In this

increasingly complexweb, emotional intelligence ismore important than everbefore.Thisbookisfilledwithinvaluableinsightsandinformationthatnoonecanaffordtoignore.”

—RajeevPeshawaria,executivedirector,GoldmanSachsInternational

“Drs.Bradberry andGreaveshave created a gem that is powerful and easy toread.Thisbookprovidesacaptivatinglookatthethingsthatmattermostinlife.SucceedinginHollywoodisastoughasanybusiness,andemotionalintelligenceskillsareessential.Ihighlyrecommendthisbook.”

—MattOlmstead,executiveproducer,PrisonBreakandNYPDBlue“Thisisawonderful,practical,helpfulbookfulloftoolsandtechniquesyoucanusetogetalongbetterwithallthepeopleinyourlife.”

—BrianTracy,bestsellingauthor,EatThatFrog“Drs.BradberryandGreaveshavesucceededincreatingapracticalsummaryofemotional intelligence. Without being simplistic, this book is accessible tomanagers andemployeeswhoneedaquickyet sophisticatedunderstandingofthe topic.ThisbookandTalentSmart®e-learningare importantcomponentsofNokia’smanagementandemployeedevelopmentprograms.”

—JenniferTsoulos,M.S.,humanresources,NokiaMobilePhones“Whipoutyourpenandgetreadytotakecopiousnotes.Thiswonderfulgemofabookischock-a-blockfullofinvaluableinsightsandincrediblyusefulsuggestions—backedbystrongscientificevidence.WordforwordthisisthemostpreciousbookI’vereadinalongtime.Iwillgiveittoallmyfriendsandclientsasthe

one‘mustread’fortheseason.”—JimBelasco,NewYorkTimesbestsellingcoauthor,

FlightoftheBuffalo“Thisbookisagreatresourceforthoseofuschargedwithprovidingemergencyservices to the public. Through the simple and effective steps outlined in thebook, I was able to learn and subsequently put into practice the emotionalintelligence skills necessary to better relate to my customers during crisissituations.Thisbookisatoolmostsupervisorsshouldfindusefulinfacilitatingteamworkandpromotingespritdecorps.”

—DominickArena,firecaptain,CityofEscondido,California,FireDepartment

“Emotionalintelligenceisacriticaldeterminantofaphysician’sultimatesuccessorfailure.Drs.BradberryandGreaveshavehit thebull’s-eyewith this timelyresearch-based resource. I teach emotional intelligence in our facultydevelopment leadership program, and I also mentor medical students. I canenvisionhowthisbookcanbewovenintothemedicalschoolcurriculum.”

—DixieFisher,Ph.D.,assistantprofessorofclinical,KeckSchoolofMedicine,USC

“Success inmybusiness is quantifiable and backing highly effectiveCEOs inourportfoliocompanieshasbeenthekey.Thereisnodoubtinmymindthatthisbook hits the nail on the head. Emotional intelligence in an individualdetermines the outcome more than any other factor, and is the one leastunderstood.Thisbookisa‘mustread’formanagerstogaininsightandcreateaplantoimprovetheireffectivenessaswellasthesuccessoftheorganization.”

—RickHoskins,managingdirector,GenstarCapital,LLC

EMOTIONALINTELLIGENCE

2.0

INCLUDESANEW&ENHANCEDONLINEEDITIONOF

THEWORLD’SMOSTPOPULAREMOTIONALINTELLIGENCETEST

TRAVISBRADBERRY&JEANGREAVESINTERNATIONALBESTSELLINGAUTHORSOFTHEEMOTIONALINTELLIGENCEQUICKBOOK

11526SorrentoValleyRoadSanDiego,CA92121Forinformationregardingspecialdiscountsforbulkpurchases,contactTalentSmart®at:888-818-SMART(tollfree,US&Canadacallers)or858-509-0582Visitusonthewebatwww.TalentSmart.comCopyright©2009byTalentSmart®Copyright©2009byTravisBradberry,Ph.D.,andJeanGreaves,Ph.D.Allrightsreserved,includingtherightofreproductioninwholeorinpartinanyform.ISBN:978-0-9743206-2-5FirstPrinting:2009TalentSmart®,EmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®,EmotionalIntelligence2.0,EmotionalIntelligenceQuickBook,GoalTrackingSystem,andtheflyingmanlogoaretrademarksofTalentSmart®,Inc.,SanDiego,CA.TheEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®items,feedbackreport,ande-learningareprotectedbycopyrightofTalentSmart®,Inc.,2001-2009.Allrightsreserved.IllustrationsbyCruxCreative.com

http://www.TalentSmart.comhttp://CruxCreative.com

TotheloyalTalentSmart®certifiedtrainersandallwho’veattendedtheirsessions.

Yourpassionisthebreathoflifeforthisbook.CONTRIBUTORS

Thefollowingindividualsmadesignificantcontributionstothisbook.

SueDeLazaro,M.S.MelissaMonday,Ph.D.JeanRiley,Ph.D.ABDLacD.Su,Ph.D.ABDNickTasler,M.S.

EricThomas,MBA,M.S.LindseyZan,M.S.

YourpurchaseofEmotionalIntelligence2.0includesonlineaccesstotheEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®

ForKindleusers:YouruniquepasscodefortheEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®isdistributedbyAmazonandhasbeensenttotheemailaddressyouhaveregisteredwithKindle.ForallothereBookusers:Pleaseemailebook@talentsmart.comandprovideacopyofyourpurchasereceipt.YouwillreceiveareplybackwithauniquepasscodetotheEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®.Onceyoureceiveyourpasscode,followthestepsbelowtotakeyourtest:1. Gotowww.TalentSmart.com/test

2. Clickonthe“TAKETHETEST”button,3. Typeyourpasscodeandclickonthe“Submit”buttontobeginyourtest.

Anytimeyouwanttorevisityourtestresults,returntoTalentSmart.com/test,clickonthe“VIEWMYREPORT”button,andloginwithyourpasscode.

mailto:ebook@talentsmart.comhttp://www.TalentSmart.com/testhttp://TalentSmart.com/test

CONTENTSForewordbyPatrickLencioni1. TheJourney2. TheBigPicture3. WhatEmotionalIntelligenceLooksLike:UnderstandingtheFourSkills

4. DiggingIn:AnActionPlantoIncreaseYourEQ5. Self-AwarenessStrategies6. Self-ManagementStrategies7. SocialAwarenessStrategies8. RelationshipManagementStrategiesEpilogue—JusttheFacts:ALookattheLatestDiscoveriesinEmotionalIntelligence

DiscussionQuestionsforReadingGroupsNotesLearnMore

NFOREWORD

ot education. Not experience. Not knowledge or intellectual horsepower.Noneoftheseserveasanadequatepredictorastowhyonepersonsucceeds

andanotherdoesn’t.Thereissomethingelsegoingonthatsocietydoesn’tseemtoaccountfor.

We see examples of this every day in our workplaces, our homes, ourchurches,our schoolsandourneighborhoods.Weobserve supposedly brilliantand well-educated people struggle, while others with fewer obvious skills orattributesflourish.Andweaskourselveswhy?

The answer almost always has to do with this concept called emotionalintelligence. And while it is harder to identify and measure than IQ orexperience,andcertainlydifficult tocaptureonaresume, it’spowercannotbedenied.

And by now, it’s not exactly a secret. People have been talking aboutemotional intelligence for a while, but somehow they haven’t been able toharnessitspower.Afterall,asasocietywecontinuetofocusmostofourself-improvement energy in the pursuit of knowledge, experience, intelligence andeducation. This would be fine if we could honestly say we had a fullunderstanding of our emotions, not tomention the emotions of others, and anunderstandingofhowouremotions influenceour livessofundamentallyeveryday.

I think the reason for this gap between the popularity of emotionalintelligenceasaconceptand itsapplication insociety is twofold.First,peoplejustdon’tunderstandit.Theyoftenmistakeemotionalintelligenceforaformofcharismaorgregariousness.Second, theydon’tsee itassomething thatcanbeimproved.Eitheryouhaveitoryoudon’t.

Andthat’swhythisissuchahelpfulbook.Byunderstandingwhatemotionalintelligence really is and howwe canmanage it in our lives,we can begin toleverageallofthatintelligence,educationandexperiencewe’vebeenstoringupforalltheseyears.

So,whetheryou’vebeenwonderingaboutemotionalintelligenceforyearsorknownothingaboutit,thisbookcandrasticallychangethewayyouthinkaboutsuccess.Youmightwanttoreadittwice.

PatrickLencioniauthorofTheFiveDysfunctionsofaTeam;

presidentoftheTableGroup

T1

THEJOURNEYhewarmCaliforniasungreetedButchConnorashesteppedoutofhistruckandonto the sands ofSalmonCreekBeach. Itwas the first day of a long

holidayweekend, and a perfectmorning to grab his board and head out for asurf.Mostoftheotherlocalsurfershadthesameideathatmorning,andafter30minutes or so, Butch decided to leave the crowd behind. He penetrated thewater’ssurfacewith long,deepstrokes thatpropelledhimawayfromthepackandovertoastretchofbeachwherehecouldcatchafewwavesawayfromthecrowd.

OnceButchhadpaddledagood40yardsawayfromtheothersurfers,hesatuponhisboardandbobbedupanddownintherollingswellswhilehewaitedfor a wave that caught his fancy. A beautiful teal wave began to crest as itapproachedtheshoreline,andasButchlaydownonhisboardtocatchthewave,a loud splash behind him stole his attention. Butch glanced over his rightshoulder and froze in horror at the sight of a 14-inch, gray dorsal fin cuttingthroughthewatertowardhim.Butch’smuscleslockedup,andhelaythereinapanic,gaspingforair.Hebecamehyper-focusedonhissurroundings;hecouldhear his heart pounding as he watched the sun glistening on the fin’s moistsurface.

The approachingwave stood tall to reveal Butch’sworst nightmare in theshimmering, translucentsurface—amassivegreatwhitesharkthatstretched14feetfromnosetotail.Paralyzedbythefearcoursingthroughhisveins,Butchletthewaverollpast,andwithitaspeedyridetothesafetyoftheshoreline.Itwasjustthesharkandhimnow;itswaminasemi-circleandapproachedhimhead-on.Thesharkdriftedinslowlyalonghisleftside,andhewastootransfixedbytheproximityofthemassivefishtonoticehisleftlegdanglingperilouslyoffhissurfboard in the frigid saltwater. It’s as big around as my Volkswagen, Butchthoughtas thedorsal finapproached.Hefelt thesuddenurge to reachout andtouchtheshark.It’sgoingtokillmeanyway.Whyshouldn’tItouchit?

TheapproachingwavestoodtalltorevealButch’sworstnightmareintheshimmering,translucentsurface—amassivegreatwhitesharkthat

stretched14feetfromnosetotail.

Thesharkdidn’tgivehimachance.Theshark,withamassivechompofitsjaws,thrustitsheadupwardfromunderneathButch’sleg.Butch’slegstayedontopoftheshark’srising,boulder-sizedheadandoutofitscavernousmouth,andhe fell off the opposite side of his surfboard into the murky water. Butchsplashingintothewatersentthesharkintoaspasticfrenzy.Thesharkwavedits

headaboutmaniacallywhilesnapping its jawsopenandshut.Thegreatwhitestrucknothing;itblastedwaterinalldirectionsasitthrashedabout.Theironyoffloatingalongsidea3,000-poundkillingmachinewithoutsomuchasascratchwasnotlostonButch.Neitherwasthegraverealitythatthisapexpredatorwasunlikelytomissagain.ThoughtsofescapeandsurvivalfloodedButch’smindasquicklyandcompletelyasterrorhadinthemomentsprior.

ThesharkstoppedsnappingandswamaroundButchintightcircles.Insteadof climbing back on his surfboard, Butch floated on his belly with his armsdrapedover theboard.He rotated the surfboardas the sharkcircled,using thesurfboardasamakeshiftbarrierbetweenhimselfandtheman-eater.Butch’sfearmorphedintoangerashewaitedforthebeast tostrike.Thesharkcameathimagain, and Butch decided it was time to put up a fight.He aimed the sharp,pointednoseofhis surfboard at the shark as it approached.When it raised itshead out of the water to bite, Butch jammed the nose of the board into theshark’s slotted gills. This blow sent the shark into another bout of nervousthrashing. Butch climbed atop his board and yelled, “Shark!” at the pack ofsurfersdownthebeach.Butch’swarningandthesightoftheturbulentcauldronofwhitewateraroundhimsentthesurfersracingfordryland.

Butch also paddled toward safety, but the shark stopped him dead in histracksafterjustafewstrokes.Itsurfacedinhispath to theshoreline,andthenbegancirclinghimoncemore.Butchcametothedireconclusionthathisevasivetacticsweremerelydelaying the inevitable,andaparalyzing fear tookholdofhim yet again. Butch lay there trembling on his surfboard while the sharkcircled.Hemusteredthewilltokeepthetipofhisboardpointedintheshark’sdirection, but he was too terror-stricken to get back in the water and use hisboardasabarrier.

Butch’s thoughts racedbetween terror and sadness.Hewonderedwhat histhreechildrenweregoingtodowithouthimandhowlonghisgirlfriendwouldtake to move onwith her life. He wanted to live. He wanted to escape thismonster,andheneeded tocalmdownif thatwasevergoing tohappen.Butchconvincedhimselfthatthesharkcouldsensehisfearlikearabiddog;hedecidedthathemustgetholdofhimselfbecauseitwashisfearthatwasmotivatingtheshark tostrike.ToButch’ssurprise,hisbody listened.The tremblingsubsided,and the blood returned to his arms and legs.He felt strong.He was ready topaddle.AndpaddleButchdid—straightfortheshoreline.Ahealthyripcurrentensured thathis journey toshorewasanerve-rattlingfiveminutesofpaddlinglikemadwith the sense that the sharkwas somewhere behind him and couldstrikeatanymoment.WhenButchmadeittothebeach,anawestruckgroupofsurfers and other beachgoers were waiting for him. The surfers thanked him

profusely for the warning and patted him on the back. For Butch Connor,standingondrylandhadneverfeltsogood.WHENREASONANDFEELINGCOLLIDEButch and the great white weren’t fighting the only battle in the water thatmorning. Deep inside Butch’s brain, his reason struggled for control of hisbehavior against an onslaught of intense emotions. The bulk of the time, hisfeelings won out, which was mostly to his detriment (paralyzing fear) but attimesabenefit(theanger-fueledjabofhissurfboard).Withgreateffort,Butchwasabletocalmhimselfdown,and—realizingthesharkwasn’tgoingaway—maketheriskypaddleforshorethatsavedhislife.Thoughmostofuswillneverhavetotusslewithagreatwhiteshark,ourbrainsbattleitoutlikeButch’severysingleday.

The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to thehumanconditionbecauseourbrainsarehard-wiredtogiveemotionstheupperhand. Here’s how it works: everything you see, smell, hear, taste and touchtravelsthroughyourbodyintheformofelectricsignals.Thesesignalspassfromcelltocelluntiltheyreachtheirultimatedestination,yourbrain.Theyenteryourbrainatthebasenearthespinalcord,butmusttraveltoyourfrontallobe(behindyour forehead)before reaching theplacewhere rational, logical thinking takesplace.Thetroubleis,theypassthroughyourlimbicsystemalongtheway—theplacewhereemotionsareproduced.Thisjourneyensuresyouexperiencethingsemotionallybeforeyourreasoncankickintogear.

The rational area of your brain (the front of your brain) can’t stop theemotion“felt”byyourlimbicsystem,butthetwoareasdoinfluenceeachotherand maintain constant communication. The communication between youremotionalandrational“brains”isthephysicalsourceofemotionalintelligence.

Thephysicalpathwayforemotionalintelligencestartsinthebrain,atthespinalcord.Yourprimarysensesenterhereandmust travel to thefrontofyourbrainbefore you can think rationally about your experience. But first they travel

throughthelimbicsystem,theplacewhereemotionsareexperienced.Emotionalintelligence requires effective communication between the rational andemotionalcentersofthebrain.

When emotional intelligencewas first discovered, it served as themissinglink in a peculiar finding: people with the highest levels of intelligence (IQ)outperformthosewithaverageIQsjust20percentofthetime,whilepeoplewithaverage IQs outperform those with high IQs 70 percent of the time. Thisanomaly threwamassivewrench intowhatmanypeoplehad always assumedwasthesourceofsuccess—IQ.Scientistsrealizedtheremustbeanothervariablethat explained success above and beyond one’s IQ, and years of research andcountlessstudiespointedtoemotionalintelligence(EQ)asthecriticalfactor.

ATimemagazinecoverandhoursoftelevisioncoverageintroducedmillionstoEQ, and once peoplewere exposed to it, theywanted to knowmore. Theywanted to know how EQ worked and who had it. Most importantly, peoplewantedtoknowiftheyhadit.Booksemergedtoscratchthisitch,includingourown,TheEmotionalIntelligenceQuickBook.Releasedin2004,theQuickBookwasuniquebecauseeachcopycontainedapasscodethatletthereadergoonlineand take the world’s most popular EQ test, the Emotional IntelligenceAppraisal®.Thebooksatisfiedreaders’curiositybyteachingtheinsandoutsofEQ and (thanks to the test) providing a new self-perspective that wasn’tavailableanywhereelse.

peoplewiththehighestlevelsofintelligence(IQ)outperformthosewithaverageIQsjust20%ofthetime,whilepeoplewithaverageIQs

outperformthosewithhighIQs70%ofthetime.

The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book hit home—it was an instant bestseller that has been translated into 23 languages and is nowavailable inmorethan150countries.Buttimeshavechanged.Theemotionalintelligencefieldisonthesteepinclineofanewwaveofunderstanding—howpeoplecanimprovetheir EQ andmake lasting gains that have a profoundly positive impact upontheirlives.JustasknowingyourEQscorewasreservedfor theprivilegedfewbeforethepublicationofTheEmotionalIntelligenceQuickBook, learninghowto increase your EQ is something that happens only in isolated circles. OurcompanytrainshundredsofpeopleeachweektoincreasetheirEQ,butevenatthis pace itwould take3,840years to hit every adult currently residing in theU.S.! We realize that we’ve unwittingly been holding important informationback.We believe everyone should have the opportunity to increase his or herEQ,andhavecreatedthisbooktomakeitpossible.YOURJOURNEY

Emotional Intelligence2.0hasonepurpose—increasingyourEQ.Thesepageswill take you far beyond knowing what EQ is and how you score. You’lldiscovertime-testedstrategiesthatyoucanbeginusingtodaytotakeyourEQtonew heights. As you transform yourself and bring new skills into your life,you’llreapallofthebenefitsthatthisincrediblehumanabilityhastooffer.

The66strategiesinthisbookaretheresultofmanyyearsofcarefultestingwithpeoplejustlikeyou.Thesestrategiesprovidethespecificsofwhatyouneedtosay,do,andthinktoincreaseyourEQ.Togleaneverythingtheyhavetooffer,you need to knowwhere to focus your attention.The firstmajor step in yourjourneytoahigherEQistogoonlineandtaketheneweditionoftheEmotionalIntelligence Appraisal® test. Taking the test now provides a baseline againstwhich you can gauge your improvement as you read on and learn.Measuringyour EQ takes your learning beyond a conceptual or motivational exercise—yourscoreprofileuncoverstheEQskillsyouneedtoimprovethemost,anditpinpoints the individual strategies from this book thatwill get you there.Thisfeature isnewto2.0,and it takes theguessworkoutofchoosing thestrategiesthatwillincreaseyourEQthemost.

ThevalueofmeasuringyourEQnowisakin to learning thewaltzwithanactual partner. If I tell you how the dance works, you are likely to learnsomethingandmayevengettheurgetotryityourself.If,asIshowyouhowtodoawaltz,youpracticeeachstepwithapartner,yourchancesofrememberingthem lateron thedance floorgoupexponentially.TheEQprofileyou receivefrom taking the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® is your dance partner indevelopingtheseskills.Itwillremindyouwheretostepwitheverybeatofthemusic.

Youronlinereportincludesagoal-trackingsystemthatsummarizestheskillsyouareworkingonandprovidesautomaticreminderstohelpyoustayfocused.E-learning activities bring EQ to life via clips from Hollywood movies,televisionandreal-worldevents.Youwillalsolearnhowyourscorescomparetootherpeople’s.

In addition to receiving the most accurate scores possible, taking theEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®nowletsyouseehowmuchyourEQscoresincrease with time. You can take the test twice—once now and again afteryou’ve had enough time to practice and adopt the strategies from this book.After you complete the test a second time, your updated feedback reportwilldisplayyourscoressidebysideandofferinsightsintohowyou’vechangedandwhatyournext stepsshouldbe tokeepyourEQworking foryou.Theorangeinsertatthebackofthisbookcontainsinstructionsforgoingonlinetoaccessthe

Emotional Intelligence Appraisal®, aswell as the unique passcode that you’llneedtoaccessthetest.

Emotions canhelp you and they canhurt you, but youhaveno say in thematter until you understand them.We invite you to begin your journey now,becauseweknowthatemotionalmasteryandunderstandingcanbecomerealitiesforyou.

B2

THEBIGPICTUREeforeyoutakeacloserlookateachofthefourEQskillsinthenextchapter,there are some important things you need to know about EQ as awhole.

Overthelastdecadewe’vetestedmorethan500,000peopletoexploretheroleemotionsplayindailyliving.We’velearnedhowpeopleseethemselvesversuswhat others see, andwe’ve observed how various choices affect personal andprofessionalsuccess.

Despite the growing focus on EQ, a global deficit in understanding andmanagingemotionsremains.Only36percentofthepeoplewetestedareabletoaccuratelyidentifytheiremotionsastheyhappen.Thismeansthattwothirdsofus are typically controlled by our emotions and are not yet skilled at spottingthemandusingthemtoourbenefit.Emotionalawarenessandunderstandingarenot taught inschool.Weenter theworkforceknowinghow to read,write, andreportonbodiesofknowledge,but toooften,welacktheskills tomanageouremotions in theheatof thechallengingproblems thatweface.Gooddecisionsrequire farmore than factualknowledge.They aremadeusing self-knowledgeandemotionalmasterywhenthey’reneededmost.

Considering the rangeofemotionspeopleexpress, it’snowonder theycangetthebetterofus.Wehavesomanywordstodescribethefeelingsthatsurfaceinlife,yetallemotionsarederivationsoffivecorefeelings:happiness,sadness,anger, fear, and shame. As you move through your daily routine—whetheryou’re working, spending time with family or friends, eating, exercising,relaxing,orevensleeping—youaresubjecttoaconstantstreamofemotions.Itis soeasy to forget thatwehaveemotional reactions toalmosteverything thathappens inour lives,whetherwenotice themornot.The complexity of theseemotionsisrevealedintheirvaryingformsofintensity.

Only36percentofthepeoplewetestedareabletoaccuratelyidentifytheiremotionsastheyhappen.

ADAPTEDFROMANDREPRODUCEDBYPERMISSIONFROMJULIAWESTTriggersandEmotionalHijackingsWhileButchConnorwasbeingattackedbyagreatwhiteshark,heexperiencedseveral emotional hijackings—moments when his emotions controlled hisbehavior and he reacted without thinking. Typically, the more intense youremotions are, the greater the likelihood that they will dictate your actions.Mattersoflifeordeath—suchasbeingattackedbyamassivebeast—arecertaintoinduceatemporaryemotionalhijacking.

InButch’scase,emotionalhijackingslefthimparalyzedbyfear,buteveninthe presence of aman-eater, Butchwas able to use his thoughts to take backcontrol from his emotions. Butch reasoned with himself until the paralysissubsided and he was calm enough to complete the paddle to shore. Butch’sthoughtsdidn’tmakehisfeelingsoffearandterrordisappear,buttheydidkeephisemotionsfromhijackinghisbehavior.

Sinceourbrainsarewiredtomakeusemotionalcreatures,yourfirstreactiontoanevent isalwaysgoing tobeanemotionalone.Youhavenocontroloverthispartoftheprocess.Youdocontrolthethoughtsthatfollowanemotion,andyouhaveagreatdealofsayinhowyoureacttoanemotion—aslongasyouareawareof it.Some experiences produce emotions that you are easily aware of;other times, emotions may seem nonexistent. When something generates aprolongedemotionalreactioninyou,it’scalleda“triggerevent.”Yourreactionto your triggers is shaped by your personal history, which includes yourexperiencewithsimilarsituations.AsyourEQskillsgrow,you’ll learn tospotyour triggers and practice productive ways of responding that will become

habitual.SizingUptheWholePersonEmotional intelligence isyourability to recognizeandunderstandemotions inyourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage yourbehaviorandrelationships.Emotionalintelligenceisthe“something”ineachofus that is a bit intangible. It affects howwemanage behavior, navigate socialcomplexities,andmakepersonaldecisionsthatachievepositiveresults.

Emotional intelligence taps into a fundamental elementof humanbehaviorthat is distinct fromyour intellect.There is no known connection between IQandEQ;yousimplycan’tpredictEQbasedonhowsmartsomeoneis.Cognitiveintelligence,orIQ,isnotflexible.YourIQ,shortofatraumaticeventsuchasabraininjury,isfixedfrombirth.Youdon’tgetsmarterbylearningnewfactsorinformation.Intelligenceisyourabilitytolearn,andit’sthesameatage15asitisatage50.EQ,ontheotherhand,isaflexibleskillthatcanbelearned.Whileitistruethatsomepeoplearenaturallymoreemotionallyintelligentthanothers,ahighEQcanbedevelopedevenifyouaren’tbornwithit.

Personalityisthefinalpieceinthepuzzle.It’sthestable“style”thatdefineseach of us. Your personality is a result of your preferences, such as yourinclination to introversionor extroversion.However, like IQ, personality can’tbeusedtopredictemotionalintelligence.AlsolikeIQ,personalityisstableoveralifetime.Personalitytraitsappearearlyinlife,andtheydon’tgoaway.Peopleoftenassumethatcertaintraits(forexample,extroversion)areassociatedwithahigherEQ,butthosewhoprefertobewithotherpeoplearenomoreemotionallyintelligentthanpeoplewhoprefertobealone.Youcanuseyourpersonality toassistindevelopingyourEQ,butthelatterisn’tdependentontheformer.EQisa flexible skill, while personality does not change. IQ, EQ, and personalityassessed togetherare thebestway togetapictureof thewholeperson.Whenyoumeasureall three ina single individual, theydon’toverlapmuch. Instead,eachcoversuniquegroundthathelpstoexplainwhatmakesapersontick.

IQ, personality, and EQ are distinct qualities we all possess. Together, theydetermine how we think and act. It is impossible to predict one based uponanother.Peoplemaybeintelligentbutnotemotionallyintelligent,andpeopleofall typesofpersonalitiescanbehigh inEQand/or IQ.Of the three,EQis theonlyqualitythatisflexibleandabletochange.TheImpactofEQHowmuchofanimpactdoesEQhaveonyourprofessionalsuccess?Theshortansweris:alot!It’sapowerfulwaytofocusyourenergyinonedirectionwithatremendous result. We’ve tested EQ alongside 33 other important skills andfound that it subsumes the majority of them, including time management,decision-making,andcommunication.YourEQ is the foundation for a host ofcritical skills—it impactsmost everything you say and do each day. EQ is socriticaltosuccessthatitaccountsfor58percentofperformanceinalltypesofjobs. It’s the singlebiggest predictor of performance in theworkplace and thestrongestdriverofleadershipandpersonalexcellence.

EQisthefoundationforahostofcriticalskills.Alittleeffortspentonincreasing

yourEQtendstohaveawide-ranging,positiveimpactonyourlife.

EQissocriticaltosuccessthatitaccountsfor58percentofperformanceinalltypesofjobs.

Nomatter whether people measure high or low in EQ, they can work toimproveit,andthosewhoscorelowcanactuallycatchuptotheircoworkers.Research conducted at the business school at theUniversity ofQueensland inAustralia discovered that peoplewho are low inEQ and job performance canmatch theircolleagueswhoexcel inboth—solelybyworking to improve theirEQ.

Ofall thepeoplewe’vestudiedatwork,wehave found that90percentofhigh performers are also high in EQ.On the flip side, just 20 percent of lowperformers are high inEQ.You can be a high performerwithout EQ, but thechancesareslim.PeoplewhodeveloptheirEQtendtobesuccessfulonthejobbecause the twogohand inhand.Naturally,peoplewithhighEQsmakemoremoney—anaverageof$29,000moreperyear thanpeoplewith lowEQs. ThelinkbetweenEQandearningsissodirectthateverypointincreaseinEQadds$1,300toanannualsalary.Thesefindingsholdtrueforpeopleinallindustries,atalllevels,ineveryregionoftheworld.Wehaven’tyetbeenabletofindajobinwhichperformanceandpayaren’ttiedcloselytoEQ.

ThelinkbetweenEQandearningsissodirectthateverypointincreaseinEQadds$1,300toanannualsalary.

Inordertobesuccessfulandfulfillednowadays,youmustlearntomaximizeyour EQ skills, for those who employ a unique blend of reason and feelingachieve thegreatest results.The remainderof thisbookwill showyouhow tomakethishappen.

T

3WHATEMOTIONAL

INTELLIGENCELOOKSLIKE:UNDERSTANDINGTHEFOURSKILLS

o truly improve your ability in the four emotional intelligence skills, youneedtobetterunderstandeachskillandwhatitlookslikeinaction.Thefour

emotional intelligenceskillspairupunder twoprimarycompetencies:personalcompetence and social competence. Personal competence is made up of yourself-awareness and self-management skills, which focus more on youindividuallythanonyourinteractionswithotherpeople.Personalcompetenceisyour ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior andtendencies. Social competence is made up of your social awareness andrelationshipmanagementskills;socialcompetenceisyourabilitytounderstandotherpeople’smoods,behaviorandmotives inorder to improve thequalityofyourrelationships.

Totrulyimproveyourabilityinthefouremotionalintelligenceskills,youneedtobetterunderstandeachskillandwhatitlookslikeinaction.

Thefourskillsthattogethermakeupemotionalintelligence.Thetoptwoskills,self-awarenessandself-management,aremoreaboutyou.Thebottomtwoskills,socialawarenessandrelationshipmanagement,aremoreabouthowyouarewithotherpeople.Self-AwarenessSelf-awareness isyourability toaccuratelyperceiveyourownemotions in themoment and understand your tendencies across situations. Self-awarenessincludesstayingon topofyour typical reactions tospecificevents,challenges,andpeople.Akeenunderstandingofyourtendenciesis important; ithelpsyouquicklymakesenseofyouremotions.Ahighdegreeofself-awarenessrequiresawillingness to tolerate the discomfort of focusing on feelings that may benegative.

The only way to genuinely understand your emotions is to spend enoughtime thinking through them to figureoutwhere theycomefromandwhy theyarethere.Emotionsalwaysserveapurpose.Because theyareyour reactions to

the world around you, emotions always come from somewhere. Many timesemotions seem to arise out of thin air, and it’s important to understand whysomethinggetsareactionoutofyou.Peoplewhodothiscancuttothecoreofafeelingquickly.Situationsthatcreatestrongemotionswillalwaysrequiremorethought, and these prolonged periods of self-reflection often keep you fromdoingsomethingthatyou’llregret.

Self-awareness is not about discovering deep, dark secrets or unconsciousmotivations,but,rather,itcomesfromdevelopingastraightforwardandhonestunderstanding of what makes you tick. People high in self-awareness areremarkably clear in their understanding ofwhat they dowell, whatmotivatesandsatisfiesthem,andwhichpeopleandsituationspushtheirbuttons.

Thesurprisingthingaboutself-awarenessisthatjustthinkingaboutithelpsyouimprovetheskill,eventhoughmuchofyourfocus initially tends tobeonwhatyoudo“wrong.”Having self-awarenessmeans you aren’t afraid of youremotional“mistakes.”They tell youwhatyou shouldbedoingdifferently andprovide the steady stream of information you need to understand as your lifeunfolds.

Self-awareness is a foundational skill; when you have it, self-awarenessmakes the other emotional intelligence skills much easier to use. As self-awareness increases, people’s satisfactionwith life—defined as their ability toreach their goals at work and at home—skyrockets. Self-awareness is soimportantforjobperformancethat83percentofpeoplehighinself-awarenessare top performers, and just 2 percent of bottom performers are high in self-awareness.Whyisthisso?Whenyouareself-awareyouarefarmorelikelytopursue the right opportunities, put your strengths to work and—perhapsmostimportantly—keepyouremotionsfromholdingyouback.

Theneedforself-awarenesshasneverbeengreater.Guidedbythemistakennotion that psychology deals exclusively with pathology, we assume that theonly time to learnaboutourselves is in the faceof crisis.We tend to embracethosethingswithwhichwe’recomfortable,andputtheblindersonthemomentsomethingmakesusuncomfortable.Butit’sreallythewholepicturethatservesus.Themoreweunderstandthebeautyandtheblemishes,thebetterweareabletoachieveourfullpotential.

WhatSelf-AwarenessLooksLikeDaveT.,regionalservicemanagerSelf-awarenessscore=95*Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“Davehasclear long-termgoals,andhedoesn’tmakesacrificesforshort-termgains.Dave is an ‘up-front’ kind of guywho doesn’t play ‘mind games’withpeople. I have witnessed this at company meetings and in meetings withcustomers.”“ThebestexampleIcanprovideforDaveishismovetoourcompany.I’msuretherewasan intensedesire tomakechangeswithin the local teamrightoutofthegate, butDave took extra care todiagnose the situation, the team, and thecustomerpriortoofferingsuggestionsormandatesforchange.”“In short,Davemanages his emotions; theydon’tmanagehim. I’ve seen himaccept difficult business newswith a brief frown, and then he quicklymovesbeyond that and partners with his team to find solutions to improve thesituation.”*Scores are on the 1-to 100-point scale from the Emotional IntelligenceAppraisal®. Scores and coworker comments are from actual people, thoughnamesandotheridentifyinginformationhavebeenaltered.MariaM.,humanresourcesmanagerSelf-awarenessscore=90Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“In every situation that I have been involved with, good or bad, Maria hasalwaysremainedcalm,cool,andcollected—evenattimeswhenIknowshemusthave felt frustrated or angry.Maria is really honest about what she is feelingwithoutgettingbentoutofshapeaboutit.Whenfacedwithadifficultsituation,sheknowshowtobefirmandstillkindatthesametime.”“Sheisopenandauthenticatalltimes,anditissomeaningfultoeveryonethatsheinteractswith.IwouldsuggestthatMarianotchange:however,shecangetabittoughersoonerinsomecases.Sheisawareofthisandwatchestoensurethatshedoesnotletkindnessgetintheway.”“Duringchallengingsituationswithemployees,Mariaisveryawareofhertoneandmakesanefforttokeeptheconversationappropriate.Peopleheretrusther.”

WhataLackofSelf-AwarenessLooksLikeTinaJ.,marketingmanagerSelf-awarenessscore=69Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“On occasion, Tina’s stress and sense of urgency are projected/pushed on tootherpeople. It would be good for her to better understand how her behavioraffectsothers’workandemotionalstress.Also,shesometimescomesacrossasdefensiveoraggressive, so forher tobemoreawareofher toneand languagewouldbehelpful.”“When things are going well for Tina, her emotional intelligence skills arestronger.Sheneedstolearntoreadherselfandrecognizehertriggerssothatshecanrespondmoreeffectivelywhentriggered.”“Sheneeds tobecomeawareofhowshe isperceived.Shecancomeacrossasbeingverydemanding,butIdon’tbelieveshemeansto.”

GilesB.,operationsdirectorSelf-awarenessscore=67Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“Gilesisverymuchinhis‘ownlittleworld.’Heobviouslydoescareabouthiscoworkers,buthedoesn’t seemtoknowwhere todrawa line.Hispersonalitycan be overwhelming, but he doesn’t notice when the other person is feelingannoyed,frustrated,oroverwhelmedbyhim.”“Whenworkingwith customers, he is verygoodat talking about theproductsandservicesweoffer.Ongroupprojects,sometimeshegetssofocusedon theoutcome, the process is missed. If he were to take a moment and let all theemotions settle, then take a look at the options to reach the desired outcome,thingswouldgomoresmoothly.”“Gilesispassionateaboutwhathedoes.Sometimesthatpassiongetsintheway.HemightnotnoticethatIambusywithsomethingelsebeforehejumpsinandstartstalkingtome.Whenheisexcited,hetalksoveryou,anditishardtogetawordinedgewise.Hedoesn’tmeanto;hejustisexcitedaboutwhathedoes.”

Self-ManagementSelf-managementiswhathappenswhenyouact—ordonotact.Itisdependenton your self-awareness and is the secondmajor part of personal competence.Self-managementisyourabilitytouseyourawarenessofyouremotionstostayflexible and direct your behavior positively. This means managing youremotionalreactionstosituationsandpeople.Someemotionscreateaparalyzingfearthatmakesyourthinkingsocloudythatthebestcourseofactionisnowhereto be found—assuming that there is something you should be doing. In thesecases,self-managementisrevealedbyyourabilitytotoleratetheuncertaintyasyouexploreyouremotionsandoptions.Onceyouunderstandandbuildcomfortwithwhatyouarefeeling,thebestcourseofactionwillshowitself.

Self-management ismore than resistingexplosiveorproblematicbehavior.Thebiggest challenge that people face ismanaging their tendencies over timeand applying their skills in a variety of situations. Obvious and momentaryopportunitiesforself-control(i.e.,“I’msomadatthatdarndog!”)aretheeasiesttospotandmanage.Real resultscomefromputtingyourmomentaryneedsonhold to pursue larger, more important goals. The realization of such goals isoftendelayed,meaningthatyourcommitmenttoself-managementwillbetestedover and over again. Those who manage themselves the best are able to seethingsthroughwithoutcracking.Successcomestothosewhocanputtheirneedsonholdandcontinuallymanagetheirtendencies.

Realresultscomefromputtingyourmomentaryneedsonholdtopursuelarger,moreimportantgoals.

WhatSelf-ManagementLooksLikeLaneL.,healthcareadministratorSelf-managementscore=93Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“Laneistheepitomeofpatienceandunderstandingduringheated,emotionally-chargedmeetings.Othersaroundherbecomefullyembroiledinthediscussions,andLaneactivelylistensandrespondswithknowledgeandwisdom.”“I have seen first-hand how well she deals with difficult situations (i.e.,terminationofanemployee).Lane issensitive,yetdirectand to thepoint.Shelistenspatientlyandsetsahighstandardofconduct.”“Laneisgreatone-on-one.Shecommunicateswelland thinksonher feet.Herreactiontocrisisisexcellent.Herabilitytoseparateemotionfromlogicmakesheragoodtacticalmanager.Iwishthereweremanymoreofher.”

YesheM.,computerprogrammerSelf-managementscore=91Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“Yeshehandlesstressfulandconfrontationalsituationsverywell.Nomatterhowharshly projectmanagers (PMs) hammerYeshe, he never loses his cool! Thisgiveshima lotof credibilitywith thePMs.He’s alsoable toworkwithotherpeoplewhoseworkingstyleheisn’tafanof.Iknowgoingbackandforthwiththemcanbefrustratingsometimes,butYesheneverloseshispatience.”“I’ve seen Yeshe in an extremely frustrating situation where he couldn’t getsomething done because other people didn’t do their jobs. He dealt with itpolitelyandprofessionally.Hewasabletoexplaintheprocedureagaininordertoachievethebestpossiblesolution,eventhoughhewasupset.”“IhaveneverheardYeshespeaknegativelyaboutsomeonewhohasadifferentopinionoridea.Alotoftalkingbehindpeople’sbackshappensaroundhere,andhedoesn’tgiveintothetemptation,evenwhenhefeelsstronglyaboutanissue.”

WhataLackofSelf-ManagementLooksLikeJasonL.,informationtechnologyconsultantSelf-managementscore=59Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“In stressful situations, or when something goes wrong, Jason sometimesrespondstooquickly,sharply,ordisjointedly.IwishJasonwouldtakesometimetocooloffandslowdownbeforeresponding.He’ssoemotional.Ihaveseenhiscoworkers respond indisbelief to themanner inwhichhe communicatedwiththem.Jasonmeanswellbutcanpanicwhenheisstressed.Hisreactionstrickleontohisteammates.”“Jasonshouldbemoreawareofhisverbaloutbursts,andhowtheyaffectbothclientsandcoworkers.Heisnotmean-spirited;hecaresagreatdealaboutothersbut these verbal miscues are just that—outbursts that need to be thought outbefore expressed. These happen more when he is stressed . . . as the oldcommercialsays,heshouldn’tletthemseehimsweatsomuch.”“Jason lets his emotions rule his behavior. Sometimes he acts or speakshurriedly. I wish he would be a bit more patient and give the situation anopportunity to work itself out before reacting. Many times these situationsresolvethemselvesoraren’tquiteasurgentasheperceives,butbeforeyouknowit,he’sheightenedtheintensitywithaflurryofmessages.”MeiS.,regionalsalesdirectorSelf-managementscore=61Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“Meineedstonotbesohonest.Herstaffdon’tneedtoknowaboutallofthebullthat goes down at corporate. If certain things upset her, she needs to learn tokeep them toherself.When she isunhappy, it sets the tone forour team.Meitendstoradiatestress incertainsituations,andasa leader, it impactsher teamnegativelybycreatingstressandnegativityratherthandiffusingthem.”“Mei has a hard time congratulating staff for their accomplishments, and itcomesacrossasjealousy. It feels likeIamincompetitionwithher rather thanfeeling likeshewantsme tosucceed. I thinkMei isagreat salesprofessional,and she treats clients well. I wish she would give her employees the sametreatment.”“Meineedstobeproactiveinsteadofreactive.Intimesofcrisis,sheshouldn’trevealtoeveryonehowstressedsheis.She’ssofocusedanddriventopersonallysucceed that perhaps she takes on too much herself. She has a demandingworkloadmanaging theWestCoastTeam,but sheneeds toholdher emotions

backwhenpeopleventabouttheirownproblemsinmeetings.”

SocialAwarenessAsthefirstcomponentofsocialcompetence,socialawarenessisafoundationalskill.Socialawarenessisyourabilitytoaccuratelypickuponemotionsinotherpeople and understand what is really going on with them. This often meansperceivingwhatotherpeoplearethinkingandfeelingevenifyoudonotfeelthesameway.It’seasytogetcaughtupinyourownemotionsandforgettoconsidertheperspectiveoftheotherparty.Socialawarenessensuresyoustayfocusedandabsorbcriticalinformation.

Listening and observing are the most important elements of socialawareness.To listenwell and observewhat’s going on around us,we have tostop doing many things we like to do. We have to stop talking, stop themonologue thatmaybe running throughourminds, stopanticipating thepointtheotherpersonisabouttomake,andstopthinkingaheadtowhatwearegoingtosaynext.Ittakespracticetoreallywatchpeopleasyouinteractwiththemandgetagoodsenseofwhattheyarethinkingandfeeling.Attimes,you’llfeellikean anthropologist. Anthropologists make their living watching others in theirnatural state without letting their own thoughts and feelings disturb theobservation.This is social awareness in its purest form.The difference is youwon’tbe100yardsawaywatchingeventsunfold throughapairofbinoculars.Tobesociallyaware,youhavetospotandunderstandpeople’semotionswhileyou’rerightthereinthemiddleofit—acontributing,yetastutelyaware,memberoftheinteraction.

WhatSocialAwarenessLooksLikeAlfonsoJ.,pharmaceuticalsalesmanagerSocialawarenessscore=96Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“Alfonsohasararetalenttobeabletoreadtheemotionsofothersverywell.Headjusts to different situations and manages to build relationships with almostanyone.Goodexamplesaredinners,meetings,andride-alongswithreps.”“Alfonsodoesanexcellent jobrelating to thefrustrationsrepshavewithotherdepartmentswithinourcompany.Heisalwayslookingoutforhisreps,andhastheabilitytoputhimselfinthereps’shoes,andaskhimselfwhatiswrongwiththesituation.PeoplebecomeveryloyaltoAlfonso.”“Alfonso recognizes emotions very effectively when it comes to the end-of-monthnumbersandend-of-yearnumberswithhisreps,gettingthemostoutofhisteam.Hewasgreatatbuildingrelationshipswiththesurgeonsatthedinnertablebecausehecouldreadhowto lead theconversationwithout themfeelingliketheywerebeingcontrolled.”

MayaS.,organizationaldevelopmentexecutiveSocialawarenessscore=92Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“Mayahasanuncannyabilitytospotandaddresstheelephantintheroom.Shedoes a good job acknowledging other people’s feelings when communicatingdifficult news. She reflects how others are feeling, and adapts hercommunication style tohelp reacha resolution.Shegets to knowpeople on apersonallevelsoshecanbetterunderstandtheirperspectivesandworkwellwiththem.”“Mayaisgreatinexecutiveteammeetingswheresherespectfullylistenstoherpeers and then offers her opinion. She has a sincere interest in understandingpeopleandoffersthemvaluableinsightsbasedonwhatthey’resayingordoing.Sheisagoodteam-builderwhostrengthensbondswithintheteam.”“Maya is themosteffective ‘active listener’ Ihaveeverseen.She isskilledatcommunicating the ‘context’ for her comments with the goal of ensuringunderstanding.Sheisrespectfultowardotherswhilebeingabletoestablishherauthority.Mayamotivates and inspires people. She can uplift people and putthematease.”

WhataLackofSocialAwarenessLooksLikeCraigC.,attorneySocialawarenessscore=55Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“Craigneedstoallowotherstofeelgoodabouttheirideas,evenwhenhehasabetterplan.Healsoneeds tobemorepatient, and allow them tohave equallyeffectiveplansthatarejustdifferentfromhisplan.Iwouldlikehimtoseektounderstandwhatpeoplearefeelingandthinkingandnoticewhatevidencethereisregardingsituationsbeforespeakinghisopinionorofferingsolutions.”“Craig needs to listen better. He needs to pay attention to what is being saidratherthanthinkingaboutwhathewantstosay.Itisusuallyapparentinhisbodylanguagethatheisnotlistening,whichputspeopleoff.Ialsowishthathewouldbemoreaccuratewhenrepresentingotherpeople’sideas.”“Craigisnotonetosocialize.Heissofocusedonworkandsometimescomesacrossasnotinterestedinwhat’sgoingonwithapersononthatparticularday.When he has new ideas (or ideas from his former firm), he has a hard timeexplaining them so the staff will accept them.Craig should learn to listen tootherswith his ears andwith his heart.He seems to have a ‘hardening of hispositions,’ and it makes him unwilling to accept other people’s viewpoints orincludetheirinputinhisdecisions.”RachelM.,projectmanagerSocialawarenessscore=62Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“Rachelmissesthenon-technicalcurrentsinmeetings.Themoodandevolutionofopinions are lost onher.Rachel needs to learn to absorb the non-technical,humansideofmeetingsandbecomeastudentofpeopleandtheirfeelings.”“Rachelgetssingularlyfocusedonaparticularissueanddoesnotseetheforestforthetrees.Thiscangetfrustratingforthoseofusaroundher.Sheistypicallyoblivioustoourreactions.Sheshouldcheckwitheveryonearound the table tocalibratewheretheirheadisatbeforegettingtooenmeshedinthedetailsofherproject.Shewouldbebetterservedbyframingthetopicinlargechunksratherthantakingeveryonethroughthedetailsstraightaway.”“Rachel can sometimesget socaughtup inherown thoughtsduringmeetingsandone-on-oneconversationsthatsheisnotreallylisteningtoeithertheexplicitor implicitdialoguegoingon.Thismakesher lesseffectivebecauseshe isnotactively participating in the ongoing conversation andmisses opportunities toinfluence the direction. Rachel needs to work on considering issues from the

other person’s agenda or point of view so that she can more effectivelyinfluence,orat leastdirectlyaddress, theirperspective. Itwill alsohelpher toworkonmakingher conversations as concise and targeted aspossible. Peoplecan lose interest or get confused during long explanations, or when they areunclearaboutthemessage.”RelationshipManagementThoughrelationshipmanagementisthesecondcomponentofsocialcompetence,this skill often taps into your abilities in the first three emotional intelligenceskills: self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. Relationshipmanagement is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions andthose of others to manage interactions successfully. This ensures clearcommunicationandeffectivehandlingofconflict.Relationshipmanagement isalsothebondyoubuildwithothersovertime.Peoplewhomanagerelationshipswellareabletoseethebenefitofconnectingwithmanydifferentpeople,eventhose they are not fond of. Solid relationships are something that should besought and cherished.They are the result of howyouunderstandpeople, howyoutreatthem,andthehistoryyoushare.

Theweaker the connection you havewith someone, the harder it is to getyourpointacross.Ifyouwantpeopletolisten,youhavetopracticerelationshipmanagement and seek benefits from every relationship, especially thechallengingones.Thedifferencebetweenan interactionanda relationship isamatter of frequency. It’s a product of the quality, depth, and time you spendinteractingwithanotherperson.

Relationship management poses the greatest challenge for most peopleduring times of stress. When you consider that more than 70 percent of thepeoplewe’vetestedhavedifficultyhandlingstress,it’seasytoseewhybuildingquality relationships poses a challenge. Some of the most challenging andstressfulsituationspeoplefaceareatwork.Conflictsatworktendtofesterwhenpeople passively avoid problems, because people lack the skills needed toinitiateadirect,yetconstructiveconversation.Conflictsatworktendtoexplodewhenpeopledon’tmanagetheirangerorfrustration,andchoosetotakeitoutonotherpeople.Relationshipmanagementgivesyou the skillsyouneed to avoidboth scenarios, and make the most out of every interaction you have withanotherperson.

WhatRelationshipManagementLooksLikeGailC.,chieffinancialofficerRelationshipmanagementscore=95Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“Gailhasaninnateabilitytoreadpeopleandtheiremotions,andsheuseswhatshe learns to create a safe and inviting forum for discussion. There has neverbeen a time thatGail’s doorwas not ‘open’when I have needed her, and shealwaysmanagestomaintainapleasantandprofessionalmannerevenwhenherworkloadisdemanding.PeopleknowthattheycancountonGailandwhattheysaytoherinconfidencewillberespectedandnotrepeated.”“Gail is very sensitive to others and tries to make situations better. Whensomeoneisupset,sheasksjustenoughquestionstogetahandleonthesituation,andthenisabletogiveconcreteadviceandhelptotheperson,makingthemfeel100% better. Gail makes you feel smart and confident when she deliversfeedback,evenifyou’vemadeamistake.Shehelpsherstaffimproveandgrow,and she sets a good example for dealingwith people assertively and speakingup.”“Even during tough conversations,Gail is concerned aboutmaintaining good,comfortable relationships with all parties involved. Gail finds out somethingabouttheotherperson’sinterestsandinquiresaboutitwhenmeeting,evenifitappearsthereisnocommonground.Gailhasafirmhandleonherownemotionsand almost seems to feel what you feel when she is talking with you, whichhelpsyoufeellikesherelatestoyouandunderstandsyou.”AllisterB.,physicianRelationshipmanagementscore=93Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“Allisterisawonderfullypatient,empatheticlistener,whichiswhyhispatientslovehim.Hetriesveryhardtobenonjudgmentalandgivespeoplethebenefitofthedoubt.Heisthesamewaywiththenursesandtechnicians.I’veseenAllisterinsituationswherehispatients’familieswereaskingdifficultquestions,andhewas able to remain calm and answer without alienating the family memberaskingthequestions.Helistenscarefullytowhatotherssayandnevershowsifheisupsetorbotheredbyit.Herespondskindlybutwithauthority.”“Allister’s interaction skills are supreme. In situations that I’vewitnessed himlessthanpleasedwithaspecificoutcome,hehasalwaysexpressedhispositionwith thoughtful insight about his expectations without anger or outburst. I’ddescribehimasdirect,yetfreefromconfrontationorsoundingoutofcontrol.He

isalsoquicktopraisethestaff’seffortsandsuccesswhendeserving.Heisgoodatseeingtheoverallpictureandthencounselinginacompassionateandrealisticmanner.”“Ihavenever leftAllisterfeelinganythingless than110%.Heknowswhen toapproach an issue sensitively, and knows when to give praise andencouragement.Allisterknowshiscolleaguesverywell,andthisenableshimtohandle conflict in a calm and positive manner. He’s respected for collectingfeedback before drawing conclusions. He tries to find the best way tocommunicate with others, even when there’s an atmosphere of resistance,confusion, or outright conflict. His ability to empathize with others isoutstanding,anditcreatespositive,strongrelationships.”

WhataLackofRelationshipManagementLooksLikeDaveM.,salesmanagerRelationshipmanagementscore=66Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhimsay:“IfDavedoesn’tseeeye-to-eyewithsomeone,hemakesitapparentthatit’snotworthdeveloping the relationship. Iwish that hewould still dedicate the timeand resources necessary tomake awin for the territory.When he feels that acertainpersonhe isworkingwithmaynotbe an ‘ally’but someonenot tobetrusted, he will be very clear about his opinion about that person. This has arippleeffecton thepeoplehe tells, and it erodescamaraderie.Dave is usuallyeffectivewhenhegetstoknowpeoplebetter,andtruststhattheyarenotathreat,buthe’llhavetogetoverthisifhewantstokeepclimbingtheladder.”“Dave can get over-excitedwhenmeeting newpeople and this can be a goodtrait,butsomepeopledon’trespondtohisenthusiasm,andtheypullbackfromhim.Itmakes it hard for them to connectwith him. Iwould like to seeDaveworkonunifyinghisteam,anddispelthefeelingthatsomedecisionsaremadebasedonhispersonalopinionorbias.Toooften,people feelas if they’vehadtheir professional opinion ignored in spite of providing a solid foundation forthatopinion.”“Davealwaysreactstopeopleratherthanrespondingtothem.Tohaveastrongopinionisfine,buttodismissothers’thoughtsisnot.Healsoneedstotailorhiscommunication style to theperson.His approach is nearly always very direct,whichcanbedifficultforsomepeopletohandle.”NatalieT.,floorsupervisorRelationshipmanagementscore=69Whatpeoplewhoworkwithhersay:“Natalie oftenminimizes a person’s point of viewor experience. She justifiesbadsituationsbystatingthatitcouldalwaysbeworse,youjustdon’tunderstand,or you should just get over it.She comes across as blunt and not empathetic,particularly with her subordinates. I want her to be more genuine in herinteractionswiththem,andshowageneralappreciationforothers.”“Natalie needs to stop finding faults in every situation. It is tiring and de-motivating. She needs to start recognizing people’s achievements. There is astigmathatexiststhatNatalieistough,difficulttoworkfor,andunapproachable.Shemayachieveresults,butattheexpenseofothers.”“IwouldliketoseeNatalieavoidmakingjudgmentalornegativestatementstoherteam,orothers,whenherstatementsaddnovalue.Helpingpeopleseewhat

couldbedonedifferenthelpsthemdevelop,buthercontinuednegativefeedbackcomesacrossasherfeeling theneedtobelittlepeople.Peopleno longervalueherinput,andattimesviewitasherneedtobeseenassuperior.”

I

4DIGGINGIN:MYEMOTIONALINTELLIGENCEACTIONPLAN

nformation travels between the rational and emotional centers of your brainmuchascarsdoonacitystreet.WhenyoupracticeEQskills,thetrafficflows

smoothly in both directions. Increases in the traffic strengthen the connectionbetween the rational and emotional centers of your brain.Your EQ is greatlyaffected by your ability to keep this road well traveled. The more you thinkaboutwhatyouarefeeling—anddosomethingproductivewiththatfeeling—themore developed this pathway becomes. Some of us struggle along a two-lanecountry road, while others have built a five-lane superhighway. Whether theformerorthelatterbestdescribesyou,there’salwaysroomtoaddlanes.

“Plasticity” is the term neurologists use to describe the brain’s ability tochange.Yourbraingrowsnewconnectionsmuchasyourbicepsmightswell ifyoustartedcurlingheavyweightsseveraltimesaweek.Thechangeisgradual,and the weight becomes easier and easier to lift the longer you stick to yourroutine.Yourbraincan’tswelllikeyourbicepssinceit’sconfinedbyyourskull,so instead the brain cells develop new connections to speed the efficiency ofthoughtwithoutincreasingitssize.

AsyouapplythestrategiesfromtheremainingchapterstoincreaseyourEQskills, thebillionsofmicroscopicneurons lining the roadbetween the rationalandemotionalcentersofyourbrainwillbranchoffsmall“arms”(much likeatree branch) to reach out to the other cells. A single cell can grow 15,000connections with its neighbors. This chain reaction of growth ensures thepathwayofthoughtresponsibleforthebehaviorgrowsstrong,makingiteasiertokickthisnewresourceintoactioninthefuture.

Asinglecellcangrow15,000connectionswithitsneighbors.Thischainreactionofgrowthensuresthepathwayofthoughtresponsibleforthebehaviorgrowsstrong,makingiteasiertokickthisnewresourceinto

actioninthefuture.

You’llhavetopracticethestrategiesrepeatedlybeforethey’llbecomeyourown.Itcanrequiretremendousefforttogetanewbehaviorgoing,butonceyoutrainyourbrain it becomesahabit. If you typicallyyellwhen you are feelingangry,forexample,youhavetolearntochooseanalternativereaction.Youmustpracticethisnewreactionmanytimesbeforeitwillreplacetheurgetoyell. Inthebeginning,doing somethingother thanyellingwhenyouareangrywillbeextremelydifficult.Buteachtimeyousucceed,thenewpathwayisstrengthened.Eventually the urge to yell is so small that it’s easy to ignore. Studies have

demonstrateda lastingchangeinEQmorethansixyearsafternewskillswerefirstadopted.

TheEmotional IntelligenceActionPlan that followswillhelpyou to focusyoureffortsmoreeffectivelyasyouexploreandapplytheEQstrategiesintheremainingchapters.FollowthesestepstocompleteyourEmotionalIntelligenceActionPlan:1. Transfer yourEmotional Intelligence Appraisal® scores onto part one (My Journey Begins) of

yourEmotionalIntelligenceActionPlanonpage56.Goaheadandwriterightonthepagesofthisbook.

2. PickanEQskilltoworkon.ThehumanmindcanfocuseffectivelyononeEQskillatatime.Eventhemostambitiouspeople should trust thatworkingdiligentlyona single skillwill takeyou far—yourability in otherEQ skillswill piggyback on your efforts.Your feedback report from theEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®testrecommendsaskillforyoutostartwith.Youmaychooseaskillonyourown instead, butwe recommend you don’t startwith relationshipmanagement if you scored lowerthan75inallfourEQskills.

3. Pickthreestrategiestobeginusingforyourchosenskill.YourfeedbackreportfromtheEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®recommendsspecificstrategiesfromthisbookbasedonananalysisofyourscoreprofile.Feelfreetochoosefromtheserecommendations,orchoosedifferentstrategiesfromthestrategieschapterforyourchosenskill.

4. ChooseanEQmentor.FindsomeonewhoisgiftedinyourchosenEQskill,andaskthispersonifheorsheiswillingtoofferyoufeedbackandguidanceatregularintervalsduringyourjourney.Becertaintosetuparegularmeetingtime,andwritethisperson’snameinyouractionplan.

5. Keepthefollowinginmindasyouapplyyourchosenstrategies:a. Expectsuccess,notperfection.WhenitcomestodevelopingnewEQskills,perfectionmeansyou

aren’t pushing yourself hard enough. You’ll need to continue to catch yourself when youremotionsgetthebestofyou,ifyouwanttokeepimproving.

b. Practice, practice, practice. Sheer quantity of practice is the real secret to increasing yourEQskills.PracticeyourEQstrategiesasoftenasyoucan,inavarietyofsituations,andwithalltypesofpeople.

c. Bepatient.Whenyouwork to improveyourEQ, itwill takea fewmonths to realize a lastingchange. Most people see measurable, enduring changes three to six months after they beginworkingonaskill.

6. Measureyourprogress.Onceyou’vemadesufficientprogressintheEQskillyouselectedforpartoneof your action plan, go online and take the Emotional Intelligence Appraisal® a second time.Completeparttwooftheactionplan.

MYEQACTIONPLANPartOne–MyJourneyBeginsDateCompleted:ListyourscoresfromtheEmotionalIntelligenceAppraisal®testbelow. ScoreOverallEQ: _____Self-awareness: _____Self-management: _____SocialAwareness: _____RelationshipManagement: _____

PickOneEQSkillandThreeStrategiesWhich of the four core emotional intelligence skills will you work on first?Circleyourchosenskillintheimagebelow.

SELF-AWARNESS

SELF-MANAGEMENT

SOCIALAWARNESS

RELATIONSHIPMANAGEMENT

ReviewthestrategiesfortheEQskillyouselected,andlistuptothreethatyouwillpracticebelow.1.2.3.MyEQMentorWhodoyouknowwhoisgiftedinyourchosenEQskillandwillingtoprovidefeedbackandadvicethroughoutyourjourney?MyEQmentoris:______________________________

PartTwo–HowFarMyJourneyHasComeDateCompleted:After you take theEmotional Intelligence Appraisal® test a second time, listyournewandoldscoresbelow.

Old New +/- Score Score Change

OverallEQ _____ _____ _____Self-awareness: _____ _____ _____Self-management: _____ _____ _____SocialAwareness: _____ _____ _____

RelationshipManagement: _____ _____ _____

PickaNewEQSkillandThreeStrategiesBased on the results explained in your Emotional Intelligence Appraisal®feedback report, where will you focus your skill development efforts goingforward?PickanewEQskillandcircleitintheimagebelow.

SELF-AWARNESS

SELF-MANAGEMENT

SOCIALAWARNESS

RELATIONSHIPMANAGEMENT

ReviewthestrategiesfortheEQskillyouselected,andlistuptothreethatyouwillpracticebelow.1.2.3.MyNewEQMentorWho do you knowwho is gifted in your new chosen EQ skill andwilling toprovidefeedbackandadvicethroughoutyourjourney?MynewEQmentoris:_________________

S5

SELF-AWARENESSSTRATEGIESimply put, to be self-aware is to knowyourself as you really are. Initially,self-awarenesscancomeacrossasasomewhatambiguousconcept.Thereis

no finish linewhere someone is going to slap amedal on you and deem you“self-aware.”Awarenessofyourselfisnotjustknowingthatyouareamorningperson instead of a night owl. It’s deeper than that. Getting to know yourselfinsideandoutisacontinuousjourneyofpeelingbackthelayersoftheonionandbecoming more and more comfortable with what is in the middle—the trueessenceofyou.

Yourhard-wiredemotionalreactionstoanythingcomebeforeyouevenhavea chance to respond. Since it isn’t possible to leave your emotions out of theequation,managingyourselfandyour relationshipsmeansyoufirstneed tobeawareofthefullrangeofyourfeelings,bothpositiveandnegative.

Whenyoudon’ttaketimeouttonoticeandunderstandyouremotions,theyhavea strangewayof resurfacingwhenyou least expectorwant them to. It’stheir way of trying to bring something important to your attention. Theywillpersist,andthedamagewillmount,untilyoutakenotice.

Facing the truth about who you are can at times be unsettling.Getting intouchwithyouremotionsandtendenciestakeshonestyandcourage.Bepatientandgiveyourselfcreditforeventhesmallestbitsofforwardmomentum.Asyoustartnoticingthingsaboutyourselfthatyouweren’tpreviouslyawareof(thingsyouaren’talwaysgoingtolike),youareprogressing.

Theremainderofthischapterintroducesyouto15originalstrategies,whichwere designed to help you maximize your self-awareness to create positivechanges in your life. The strategies are straightforward and packed full ofinsightsandexamplesthatwillhelpyourself-awarenessgrow.

SELF-AWARENESSSTRATEGIES1. QuitTreatingYourFeelingsasGoodorBad2. ObservetheRippleEffectfromYourEmotions3. LeanintoYourDiscomfort4. FeelYourEmotionsPhysically5. KnowWhoandWhatPushesYourButtons6. WatchYourselfLikeaHawk...7. KeepaJournalaboutYourEmotions8. Don’tBeFooledbyaBadMood9. Don’tBeFooledbyaGoodMood,Either10. StopandAskYourselfWhyYouDotheThingsYouDo11. VisitYourValues12. CheckYourself13. SpotYourEmotionsinBooks,Movies,andMusic14. SeekFeedback15. GettoKnowYourselfunderStress

1 QuitTreatingYourFeelingsasGoodorBadIt’shumannature towant tocreate twosimpleandeasypilesofemotions: thegood ones and the bad ones. For instance, most people would automaticallyclassifyguiltasbad.Youdon’twanttofeelit—youmightevenbeatyourselfupaboutit—andyoudowhateveryoucantogetridofit.Likewise,wetendtoletgoodemotionslikeexcitementrunwild.Wepumpourselvesupandfeedofftheenergy.

Thedownfallofattachingsuchlabelstoyouremotionsisthatjudgingyouremotions keeps you from really understandingwhat it is that you are feeling.Whenyouallowyourself tositwithanemotionandbecomefullyawareof it,youcanunderstandwhatiscausingit.Suspendingjudgmentofemotionsallowsthemtoruntheircourseandvanish.Passingjudgmentonwhetheryoushouldorshouldn’tbefeelingwhatyouarefeelingjustheapsmoreemotionsontopofthepileandpreventstheoriginalfeelingfromrunningitscourse.

Suspendingjudgmentofemotionsallowsthemtoruntheircourseandvanish.

So, the next time you feel an emotion begin to build, take notice of itimmediately. Refrain from putting it into the good or bad pile and remindyourselfthatthefeelingistheretohelpyouunderstandsomethingimportant.

2 ObservetheRippleEffectfromYourEmotionsConsider for amomentwhat happenswhen you drop a stone intowater. Thestone’s swift plummet pierces the water’s surface, sending ripples in alldirections.Youroutpouringsofemotionarelikestonesthatsendripplesthroughthepeopleinyourlife.Sinceemotionsaretheprimarydriversofyourbehavior,it’simportantyouunderstandtheeffecttheyhaveonotherpeople.

Let’s sayamanager loseshiscoolandberatesanemployee in frontof therest of the team.When the lashing happens, it may seem that the manager’starget is theonlyonewhosefeelingsgetbruised,but therippleeffectfromthemanager’s explosion affects all who witnessed it. As the rest of the teammemberswanderbacktotheirdesks, theothers, too,feel themanager’swrath.Theygobacktoworkwithapitintheirstomachs,eachonewonderingwhenhisorherturnwillcomeup.

Themanager thinks his tirade was good for productivity because the rant“scaredpeople straight,”but their fear soonsettles intocaution.Toperformattheirbest,theteammembersneedtotakerisks,stretchthemselvesbeyondtheircomfortzone,andevenmakesomemistakesalongtheway.Nooneontheteamwantstobethemanager’snexttarget,sotheteammembersplayitsafeanddoonlyastheyaretold.Whenthemanagergetsdockedayear laterfor leadingateamthatfailstotakeinitiative,hewonderswhat’swrongwiththeteam.

Your emotions are powerful weapons, and continuing to think that theireffects are instant and minimal will only do you a disservice. The key toobserving the ripple effects of your emotions is to watch closely how theyimpact other people immediately, and thenuse that information as a guide forhowyouremotionsareboundtoaffectawidercirclelongafteryouunleashtheemotion.Tofullyunderstandtherippleeffectsofyouremotions,you’llneedtospend some time reflecting upon your behavior.You’ll also need to ask otherpeoplehowtheyareaffectedbyyouremotions.Themoreyouunderstandhowyouremotionsrippleoutward,thebetterequippedyou’llbetochoosethetypeofripplesthatyouwanttocreate.

3 LeanintoYourDiscomfortThebiggestobstacletoincreasingyourself-awarenessisthetendencytoavoidthediscomfortthatcomesfromseeingyourselfasyoureallyare.Thingsyoudonotthinkaboutareoffyourradarforareason:theycanstingwhentheysurface.Avoidingthispaincreatesproblems,becauseitismerelyashort-termfix.You’llneverbeabletomanageyourselfeffectivelyifyouignorewhatyouneedtodotochange.

Rather than avoiding a feeling, your goal should be to move toward theemotion, into it, and eventually through it. This can be said for even mildemotional discomfort, such as boredom, confusion, or anticipation.When youignoreorminimizeanemotion,nomatterhowsmallorinsignificant,youmissthe opportunity to do something productive with that feeling. Even worse,ignoringyourfeelingsdoesnotmakethemgoaway;itjusthelpsthemtosurfaceagainwhenyouleastexpectthem.

Ratherthanavoidingafeeling,yourgoalshouldbetomovetowardtheemotion,intoit,andeventuallythroughit.

To be effective in life, we all need to discover our own arrogance—thosethingswedon’t bother to learn about anddismiss as unimportant.One personthinks apologies are for sissies, so she never learns to recognizewhen one isneeded.Another person hates feeling down, so he constantly distracts himselfwithmeaningless activity and never really feels content. Both people need totaketheboldstepofleaningintothefeelingsthatwillmotivatethemtochange.Otherwise, they will continue down an unproductive, unsatisfying path,repeatingthesamepatternsoverandoveragain.

Afterthefirstfewtimesyouleanintoyourdiscomfort,youwillquicklyfindthat thediscomfort isn’t sobad, it doesn’t ruinyou, and it reaps rewards.Thesurprisingthingaboutincreasingyourself-awarenessisthatjustthinkingaboutitwillhelpyouchange,eventhoughmuchofyourfocuswillinitiallybeonthethingsyoudo“wrong.”Don’tbeafraidofyouremotional“mistakes.”Theytellyou what you should be doing differently and provide the steady stream ofinformationyouneedtounderstandyourselfaslifeunfolds.

4 FeelYourEmotionsPhysicallyWhenyouexperienceanemotion,electricsignalscoursethroughyourbrainandtrigger physical sensations in your body. The physical sensations can be asvaried as your stomach muscles tightening, your heart rate increasing, yourbreathingquickening,oryourmouthgoingdry.Becauseyourmindandbodyaresotightlyconnected,oneofthemosteffectivewaystounderstandyouremotionsas they are happening is to learn how to spot the physical changes thataccompanyyouremotions.

Tobetterunderstandthephysicaleffectsofyouremotions,tryclosingyoureyesthenext timeyouhaveafewmomentsalone.Feelhowfastorslowyourheart is beating. Notice the pace of your breathing. Determine how tense orrelaxed the muscles are in your arms, legs, neck, and back.Now, think of acoupleofevents fromyour life—onepositiveandonenegative—thatgeneratestrongemotions.Thinkthroughoneoftheseeventsinenoughdetailthatyoucanfeelyour emotions stir.Takenote of thephysicalchanges that accompany thefeelings.Do theymakeyour breathingor heart rate change?Doyourmusclesgrow tense?Do you feel hotter or colder? Repeat this process with the otherevent,andtakenoteofthephysicaldifferencesintheemotionsfromthepositiveandnegativeexperiences.

Closing your eyes and thinking of emotionally arousing events is simplytrainingforthereal thing—spottingthephysicalsignsofyouremotionsonthefly. In the beginning, try not to think too hard—simply open your mind tonoticing the sensations.As you improve at this, you’ll find that you’re oftenphysicallyawareofanemotionlongbeforeyou’rementallyawareofit.

5 KnowWhoandWhatPushesYourButtonsWeallhavebuttons—petpeeves,triggers,whateveryouwanttocallthem—that,whenpushed,justirritateandirkusuntilwewanttoscream.Perhapsyouhaveacoworkerwholivesherlifeasifshewereconstantlyonstage.Herentranceintomeetingsisdramaticandflaring,andshefeedsoff theenergyfromeveryone’sattentionanduses thatenergy to takecontrolof the room.Hervoice is louderthanmost,andhercontributionstothemeetingsarealwayslong-windednovels,asifshejustlovestohearherselftalk.

Ifyourmodusoperandiismoresubtle(oryoureallywouldlikepartofthatstage yourself), a person like thatmay really eat at you.When you go into ameetingwithgreatideasandareadinesstojustsitdownandgetstraighttothepoint,adramaqueenwhoiscreatingastageintheboardroomisboundtoflipyour switches for frustrationand rage.Even if youaren’t the type toblurt outimpulsive comments or otherwise go on the attack, your body language maygiveyouaway,oryoumayfindyourselfonthedrivehomeobsessingoveryourlingeringfrustration.

Knowing who pushes your buttons and how they do it is critical todeveloping the ability to take control of these situations,maintain your poise,and calm yourself down. To use this strategy, you can’t think about thingsgenerally.You need to pinpoint the specific people and situations that triggeryouremotions.Yourbuttonsareboundtogetpushedbyawiderangeofpeopleand things. Itcouldbecertainpeople (likedramaqueens),particularsituations(likefeelingscaredorcaughtoffguard),orconditionsintheenvironment(likenoisy offices). Having a clear understanding of who and what pushes yourbuttonsmakesthesepeopleandsituationsabitlessdifficultbecausetheycomeaslessofasurprise.

Youcantakeyourself-awarenessabigstepfurtherbydiscoveringthesourceof your buttons.That is,why do these people and situations irk you somuchwhen other, equally annoying people and situations don’t bother you at all?Perhapsthestagehogremindsyouofyoursisterwhogotalltheattentionwhenyouwereyounger.Youlivedmanyyears inhershadow,vowing tonever let ithappenagain.Nowyousitbesidehercloneineverymeeting.Nowondershe’satriggerforyouremotions.

Knowingwhyyourbuttonsarewhattheyareopensdoorstomanagingyourreactions toyour triggers.Fornow,your tasksare simple—find the sourcesof

yourbuttonsandjotdownalist.Knowingyourbuttonsisessentialtousingtheself-andrelationshipmanagementstrategiesthatcomelaterinthebook.

6 WatchYourselfLikeaHawk...Hawkshavethedistinctadvantageofsoaringhundredsoffeetabovetheground,looking down upon the Earth and seeing all that happens below them. Thecreaturesonthegroundgoabouttheirliveswithnarrowtunnelvision,notevenrealizing that the hawk is soaring above them predicting their every move.Wouldn’titbegreattobethehawk,lookingdownuponyourselfinthosestickysituationsthattendtogetthebetterofyou?Thinkofallthethingsyouwouldbeabletoseeandunderstandfromabove.Yourobjectivitywouldallowyoutostepoutfromunderthecontrolofyouremotionsandknowexactlywhatneededtobedonetocreateapositiveoutcome.

Even though you are not a hawk, you can still develop a more objectiveunderstandingofyourownbehavior.Youcanpracticebytakingnoticeofyouremotions,thoughts,andbehaviorsrightasthesituationunfolds.Inessence, thegoalistoslowyourselfdownandtakeinallthatisinfrontofyou,allowingyourbraintoprocessallavailableinformationbeforeyouact.

Consideranexample.Let’ssayyouhaveateenagesonwhoismorethantwohourslateforhisFridaynightcurfew.You’resittinginalivingroomchairinthedark, waiting for him to stroll through the door and offer another creativeexplanationforwhyhe’slateandwasn’tansweringhisphone.Themoreyousitthere thinking about your son’s disregard for your authority and the hours ofsleephe’s just robbedyouof, themoreyour bloodboils.Before long, you’veforgottentherealreasonyou’resoupset—you’reworriedabouthissafety.Sure,you want him to obey the rules, but it’s the thought of him out there actingrecklesslythat’skeepingyouup.

Watchingyourselflikeahawkinthissituationrequirestakingadvantageofthis calm before the storm. You know your anger is going to rumble to thesurfacethemomenthisweakexcusestumblefromhismouth,andyoualsoknowhe’smore likely to follow your rules if you can get him to see and feel yourconcern.Thisisthemomentwhenyouneedtoconsiderwhatthissituationlookslike fromabove.You realize your brooding is just fanning the flames of youranger.You remember that he’s a good kidwho’sbeen acting toomuch like atypicalteenagerlately.Youknowyourangerisn’tgoingtomakehimchange;ithasn’t worked thus far. The bigger picture now in clear view, you decide toexplain the rationale forhispunishmentandwhyyouare soupset, rather thanjustflyoffthehandle.Whenhefinallycomesslitheringintothehouse,knockingthelampofftheendtableinthedarkness,you’regratefulyoucanseethewhole

pictureandnotjustwhat’sinfrontofyou.

7 KeepaJournalaboutYourEmotionsThe biggest challenge to developing self-awareness is objectivity. It’s hard todevelopperspectiveonyouremotionsandtendencieswheneverydayfeelslikeanewmountaintoclimb.Withajournal,youcanrecordwhateventstriggeredstrongemotionsinyouandhowyourespondedtothem.

Youshouldwriteabouttimespentatworkandhome—nothingisofflimits.Injustamonth,you’llbegintoseepatternsinyouremotions,andyou’lldevelopa better understanding of your tendencies. You’ll get a better idea of whichemotionsgetyoudown,whichpickyouup,andwhicharethemostdifficultforyoutotolerate.Paycarefulattentiontothepeopleandsituationsthatpushyourbuttons, triggering strong emotions.Describe the emotions you feel each day,anddon’tforgettorecordthephysicalsensationsthataccompanytheemotions.

Thebiggestchallengetodevelopingself-awarenessisobjectivity.

In addition to helping you see yourself more clearly, writing down youremotions makes your tendencies much easier to remember, and the journalservesasagreatreferenceasyouraiseyourself-awareness.

8 Don’tBeFooledbyaBadMoodWeallsuccumbtothemeverynowandthen—thosedown-in-the-dumpsmoodswhere nothing seems to be going ourway.When you feel thisway, your lowmoodputsadarkcloudoverevery thought, feeling, andexperienceyouhave.Thetrickythingaboutyourbrainisthat,onceanegativemoodtakesover,youlose sightofwhat’sgood inyour life, and suddenlyyouhateyour job,you’refrustrated with family and friends, you’re dissatisfied with youraccomplishments, and your optimism about the future goes out the window.Deepdown,youknowthatthingsaren’tasbadastheyseem,butyourbrainjustwon’thearit.

Part of self-awareness is knowing what you’re going through even if youcan’ttotallychangeit.Admittoyourselfthatyourbadmoodishangingacloudover everything you see, and remind yourself that your moods are notpermanent.Youremotionschangeallthetime,andlowmoodswillpassifyouallowthemto.

Whenyou’restuckinadownmood,it’snotagoodtimetomakeimportantdecisions.You’ll have to remain aware of themood and understand it if youhopetokeepitfromleadingyoutomakemistakesthatwillonlypullyoudownfurther.NotonlyisitOKtoreflectuponrecenteventsthatmayhavebroughtonthemood,butthisisalsoagoodidea—aslongasyoudon’tdwellonthemfortoolong—becauseoftenthat’sallittakestogetthemoodtopass.

9 Don’tBeFooledbyaGoodMood,EitherBadmoods andnegative emotions are not theonlyones that cause trouble.Agoodmoodcandeceiveyourthinkingjustasmuchasabadone.Whenyouarefeelingexcitedandreallyhappy,it’seasytodosomethingthatyou’llregret.

Consider this familiar scenario: your favorite store ishavingaonce-a-yearsalewithmarkdownsofupto75%.Yourushintothestoreonthedayofthesaleandendupbuyingallsortsofthingsthatyou’vealwayswantedbutcan’treallyafford(atleastnotallatonce).Therushandexhilarationofyourpurchasescarryyouthroughtheweekasyoushowoffthegoodstoyourfriendsandfamilyandlettheminonthefabulousdealsyougot.Whenyourcreditcardbillarrivesattheendofthemonth,it’sanotherstory.

Foolishspendingisnottheonlymistakeyoucanmakewhileridingthehighofagreatmood.Theexcitementandenergyyouenjoyduringagoodmoodpainta rosy picture of all you encounter. This leaves you far more likely to makeimpulsivedecisionsthatignorethepotentialconsequencesofyouractions.Stayawareofyourgoodmoods and the foolishdecisions thesemoodscan lead to,andyou’llbeabletoenjoyfeelinggoodwithoutanyregrets.

10 StopandAskYourselfWhyYouDotheThingsYouDoEmotionscomewhentheywill,notwhenyouwillthemto.Yourself-awarenesswillgrowabundantlywhenyoubeginseekingout thesourceofyour feelings.Getinthehabitofstoppingtoaskyourselfwhysurprisingemotionsrumbledtothesurfaceandwhatmotivatedyoutodosomethingoutofcharacter.Emotionsserve an important purpose—they clue you into things that you’ll neverunderstandifyoudon’ttakethetimetoaskyourselfwhy.

Most of the time, it really is that easy, butwhenyou are left to your owndevices, thedays can justwhizbywith little time to contemplatewhyyoudowhatyoudo.Withalittlepractice,youcantraceyouremotionalreactionsbackto their origins and understand the purpose of your emotions. The surprisingthingaboutthisstrategyisthatjustpayingattentiontoyouremotionsandaskingyourself good questions like these are enough to help you improve. Can youremember the first time you reacted like this and with whom? Are theresimilarities between then and now?Can anyone evoke this reaction in you oronlyspecificpeople?Thebetteryouunderstandwhyyoudothethingsyoudo,thebetterequippedyou’llbetokeepyouremotionsfromrunningtheshow.

11 VisitYourValuesThe plates of life are constantly spinning above you. You juggle projects atwork,never-endingmeetings,bills,errands,emails,phonecalls, textmessages,chores, meals, time with friends and family—the list goes on. It takes greatamountsofattentionandfocustokeeptheplatesfromcrashingtotheground.

Maintainingthisbalancingactkeepsyourattentionfocusedoutward,ratherthaninwardandonyourself.Asyourunaroundstrugglingtocheckyourdaily“todos”offyourlist,it’seasytolosesightofwhat’sreallyimportanttoyou—yourcorevaluesandbeliefs.Beforeyouknow it,you findyourselfdoingandsayingthingsthatdeepdownyoudon’tfeelgoodaboutorbelievein.Thiscouldmeanyou findyourself yelling at a coworkerwhomade amistake,whenyounormally find such hostility unacceptable. If yelling at your colleagues runscontrarytothebeliefsyouwishtoliveyourlifeby,catchingyourself(orbeingcaught)doingitisboundtomakeyouuncomfortableandevenunfulfilled.

Thetrickhereistotakethetimetocheckinwithyourselfandjotdownyourcorebeliefsandvalues.Askyourself,whatarethevaluesthatIwishtolivemylifeby?Takeasheetofpaperandseparate it into twocolumns.Listyourcorevalues and beliefs in the left column and anything that you’ve done or saidrecently that you aren’t proud of in the right column. Is what you value inalignment with the manner in which you conduct yourself? If not, consideralternatives to what you said and did that would have made you proud ofyourself,oratleastmorecomfortable.

Repeating this exercise somewhere between daily and monthly will be ahugeboosttoyourself-awareness.Beforelong,you’llfindyourselfthinkingofthelistbeforeyouact,whichwillsetthestageformakingchoicesyoucanlivewith.

12 CheckYourselfSelf-awarenessisgenerallyaninternalprocess,butthereareafewinstancesinwhichtheoutsideholdsthecluesyouneedtounderstandwhat’sgoingoninside.Without question, how you feel is reflected in how you look. Your facialexpressions, posture, demeanor, clothes, and even your hair all say importantthingsaboutyourmood.

Physicalappearanceismorestraightforward—whatyouwearsendsaprettyclear, established message about how you feel. For example, wearing oldsweatpants and ratty T-shirts and having disheveled hair every day tells theworldyou’vegivenup,whileoverdressingforeveryoccasionandnevermissingyourweeklyhaircut letspeopleknowyouare trying toohard.Your demeanoralso saysa lot aboutyourmood,but themessageoftengets twisted. If you’remeetingsomeoneforthefirsttimeandyou’refeelinginsecureabouthowyou’llbereceived,likemanypeople,youmaytendtobealoofandabitstandoffishorgetoverzealous.

When you find yourself in similar situations, it’s important to notice yourmoodandconsider its influenceuponyourdemeanor. Is the look that you areprojectingtotheworldonethatyouhavechosen,onethatyourmoodcreated,oronethatyoutendtoleanonbydefault?Certainly,whatyouprojectreflectshowyoufeel,andit’suptoyoutounderstandit.Takingamomenthereandtheretocheckyourselfwillallowyoutounderstandyourmoodbeforeitsetsthetonefortherestofyourday.

13 SpotYourEmotionsinBooks,Movies,andMusicIf you’re having trouble looking within to spot your emotional patterns andtendencies,youcandiscoverthesameinformationbylookingoutsideyourselfatthemovies,music,andbooksthatyouidentifywith.Whenthelyricsormoodofa song resonate with you, they say a lot about how you feel, and when acharacter from a movie or book sticks in your head, it’s probably becauseimportantaspectsofhisorherthoughtsandfeelingsparallelyourown.Takingacloser look in these moments can teach you a lot about yourself. It can alsoprovideagreattoolforexplainingyourfeelingstootherpeople.

Findingyouremotionsintheexpressionsofartistsallowsyoutolearnaboutyourself anddiscover feelings that are often hard to communicate. Sometimesyoujustcan’tfindthewordstosaywhatyouarefeelinguntilyouseeitinfrontofyou.Listeningtomusic,readingnovels,watchingfilms,andevenlookingatartcanactasagatewayintoyourdeepestemotions.Takeacloserlookthenexttimeoneof thesemediumsgrabsyourattention—youneverknowwhatyou’llfind.

14 SeekFeedbackEverything you see—including yourself—must travel through your own lens.The problem is, your lens is tainted by your experiences, your beliefs, and,without question, your moods.Your lens prevents you from ever obtaining atruly objective look at yourself, on your own.Often, there is a big differencebetweenhowyouseeyourselfandhowothersseeyou.Thischasmbetweenthewayyouviewyourselfandthewayothersviewyouisarichsourceoflessonsthatwillbuildyourself-awareness.

Self-awarenessistheprocessofgettingtoknowyourselffromtheinsideoutandtheoutsidein.Theonlywaytogetthesecond,moreelusiveperspectiveistoopenyourselfuptofeedbackfromothers,whichcanincludefriends,coworkers,mentors,supervisors,andfamily.Whenyouaskfortheirfeedback,besuretogetspecific examples and situations, and as you gather the answers, look forsimilarities in the information. Others’ views can be a real eye-opener byshowingyouhowotherpeopleexperienceyou.Puttingtheperspectivestogetherhelps you see the entire picture, including how your emotions and reactionsaffectotherpeople.Bymusteringthecouragetopeeratwhatotherssee,youcanreachalevelofself-awarenessthatfewpeopleattain.

Self-awarenessistheprocessofgettingtoknowyourselffromtheinsideoutandtheoutsidein.

15 GettoKnowYourselfunderStressThemountain of stressors in your life is constantly growing.Every time yourstresstolerancerisestonewheights,you—orthosearoundyou—pushandpushuntil you take on more. All of the high-tech gadgets at your disposal aren’thelping,either.Ifanything,theyjustseemtospeedupyourlife.Ifyouarelikemostpeople,youalreadyrecognizesomeofthewarningsignsthatpopupwhenstressislooming.Thequestionis:doyouheedtheirw