Communication Workshop

Semira RahemtullaDecember 5, 2016

Who am I?

Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell

Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer

Science

Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Exercise #2If You Really Knew Me

Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me…

• Each person gets 2min to complete the sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”

• No responses except “Thank you”

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

Self-Disclosure

“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN

Authentic Leaders

“The single factor distinguishing top quartile managers from bottom quartile managers was strength of affection.”--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Posner

Authentic Leaders

Feedback & Influence

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

“When you do [x]…”Focus on specific, observable behavior

"I feel [y]…”Describe the impact of that behavior on you

(disclosure)

“Can you tell me what’s going on for you?”Ask about the other person’s intentions and

perspective

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…

1. AJ, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. AJ, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. AJ, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about what message that might send to others in the room.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…

1. You’re not very approachable.

2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond very well. You’re not very approachable.

3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with questions or requests.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

Step 1: Open with mutual goals and positive intent. What do you really want for this relationship? What is your intention in giving this feedback?

Step 2: Stay on your side of the neta. Stick to observable behavior (“When you did [x]…”)b. Share your reaction (“I felt [y], and my story is [z]”)

c. Ask for their perspective (“What was going on for you?”)

Step 3: Enter joint problem-solving. Decide together how to make things better. Design some experiments.

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Exercise #4Complimentary Feedback

Exercise #4: Complimentary Feedback

Think of one thing your coworker does that you really appreciate1. Describe the behavior as specifically as

possible2. Describe the impact the behavior has on

you

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback

Manage your own defensiveness• Notice it• Name it: “Affect Labeling”

Goal is understanding, not winning• “Can you tell me more about that?"• Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding

Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder

Stay on your side of the net:

When you do [x]…

I feel [y]…

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

Work Product

– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area

Communication & Management– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette– Language choices,

communication style with others– Transparency of project status,

hiring/firing/promotions

Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this

person? – How do they impact others? – What do they model well? – Anything you worry about? – Arrival/departure times– How they speak/listen/act/dress

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net ☺