Combined Sessions for Listening MothersTM Curriculum · Combined Session Curriculum - Page of 179...

Combined Session Curriculum - of 179

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Combined Sessions for Listening MothersTM Curriculum

Table of Contents With Gratitude…. ..................................................................................................................................................... 10

Session One Facilitation Outline .............................................................................................................................. 11

Session One Course Material .................................................................................................................................. 16

Session One Framework .......................................................................................................................................... 16

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................... 16

Theoretical Background: ...................................................................................................................................... 16

Session Prep ............................................................................................................................................................ 17

Guidelines for Group Facilitation ............................................................................................................................ 17

Pre-Group Contact: .............................................................................................................................................. 17

Setting the Space/Materials: ............................................................................................................................... 17

Arrival, Welcome & Group Expectations ................................................................................................................. 18

Listening MothersTM Curriculum Summary: ......................................................................................................... 18

Objectives/Goals of the Listening MothersTM Program: ...................................................................................... 19

A Heart-Felt Invitation to Participate – Guiding Principles: ................................................................................. 20

Logistics: ............................................................................................................................................................... 20

The Benefits of Mindful Practice ............................................................................................................................. 20

Initial Centering Practice: ..................................................................................................................................... 21

Individual Mother and Baby Introductions: ............................................................................................................ 22

Setting an Intention ................................................................................................................................................. 22

In Group Reading ..................................................................................................................................................... 22

A Book is No Substitute: ...................................................................................................................................... 22

Heart-Centered Dialogue: .................................................................................................................................. 23

Transition to This Week’s Focus .............................................................................................................................. 23

Introduction to the Four Pillars of the Listening MothersTM Curriculum: ............................................................... 23

Curriculum Reference Documents: .................................................................................................................... 23

Additional Supporting Reference Documents: .................................................................................................. 24

The First Pillar .......................................................................................................................................................... 24

Definition and Three Elements of Self-Compassion: ........................................................................................... 24



Self-Kindness: ........................................................................................................... 24

Mindfulness: ............................................................................................................ 24

Common Humanity: ................................................................................................. 24

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 ...................................................................................... 25

Background – The Benefits of Focused Deep Breaths ......................................................................................... 25

4-5-6 Breathing .................................................................................................................................................... 25

Heart-Centered Dialogue – 4-5-6 Inviting Calm ................................................................................................. 25

Transition to Motherhood ....................................................................................................................................... 26

The Fourth Trimester: .......................................................................................................................................... 26

Primary Maternal Preoccupation: ....................................................................................................................... 27

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Fourth Trimester and PMP ..................................................................................... 27

The Positive Holding Environment: ..................................................................................................................... 28

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Positive Holding Environment ................................................................................. 28

Next Week’s Focus: .............................................................................................................................................. 29

Deepen Your Awareness at Home ........................................................................................................................... 29

Reflections for Session One: ................................................................................................................................ 29

Readings for Session Two: ................................................................................................................................... 29

Group Photo ............................................................................................................................................................ 30

Closing Ritual: Weaving the Circle ........................................................................................................................... 30

End Session: Poem - Fluent ..................................................................................................................................... 30

End of the Session Summary ................................................................................................................................... 31

S1: Reflections: ........................................................................................................................................................ 32

Session Two Facilitation Outline ............................................................................................................................. 33

Session Two Course Material .................................................................................................................................. 40

Session Two Framework .......................................................................................................................................... 40

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................... 40


Session Prep ............................................................................................................................................................ 40

New Participant: .................................................................................................................................................. 41

Arrival & Welcome .................................................................................................................................................. 41

Pause for Practice – Centering – with 4-5-6 Breathing ........................................................................................... 41

Benefits of Mindful Practice: ............................................................................................................................... 42

Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................... 42

Review and Reflect .................................................................................................................................................. 43

Session One Reflections: ...................................................................................................................................... 43

Readings for Session Two: ................................................................................................................................... 43

Transition to this Week’s Focus ............................................................................................................................... 43



Child Emotional Development .............................................................................. 44

Self-Regulation and Interest in the World (0 – 3 Months) ............................... 44

The Co-Regulation “Dance” .............................................................................. 44

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Self-Regulation: ............................................................ 45

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause – Inviting in Calm ................................................................... 45

Goodness of Fit: ................................................................................................................................................... 46

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Goodness of Fit -Mother’s Temperament ............................................................. 46

Assessing Baby’s Unique Style: ............................................................................................................................ 46

Pause for Practice: Wait, Watch and Wonder ................................................................................................... 47

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Baby’s Temperament: ............................................................................................ 47

Cultivating Self-Regulation and Supporting Baby’s Temperament: ................................................................... 48

Pause for Practice – Fist Clench ............................................................................................................................... 49

Heart-Centered Dialogue –Bringing Back Balance ............................................................................................. 49

Using Mindful Self-Compassion to Bring Back Balance ........................................................................................... 50

Self-Compassion Focus: Self-Kindness ................................................................................................................. 51

Cultivating Self-Kindness:..................................................................................................................................... 51

What Self-Compassion is Not .............................................................................................................................. 51


Reflections for Session Two: ................................................................................................................................ 52

Readings for Session Three: ................................................................................................................................. 52

Online Handouts: ................................................................................................................................................. 52

End Session: Poem – For Presence: ......................................................................................................................... 53

Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle ......................................................................................................................... 53

End of the Session Summary ................................................................................................................................... 54

S2: Reflections: ........................................................................................................................................................ 55

Session Three Facilitation Outline ........................................................................................................................... 56

Session Three Course Material ................................................................................................................................ 61

Session Three Framework: ...................................................................................................................................... 61

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................... 61


Session Prep: ........................................................................................................................................................... 61

Arrival & Welcome .................................................................................................................................................. 62

Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing .............................................................................................. 62

Group Reading: Poem - Tonight is Love ................................................................................................................. 62

Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................... 62

Review and Reflect: ................................................................................................................................................. 63

Session Two Reflections: ...................................................................................................................................... 63



Readings for Session Three: .............................................................................. 63

Pause for Practice: Rediscovering Beginner Mind................................................ 65

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Rediscovering Beginner Mind: ..................................... 65

Transition to this Week’s Focus ............................................................................ 66

Child Emotional Development ................................................................................................................................. 66

Falling In Love and Appreciating Relationships (2-7 Months): ............................................................................ 66

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Helping Baby Fall in Love: ...................................................................................... 67

Recognizing Baby’s Cues of Love: ........................................................................................................................ 67

Attachment and Attunement .................................................................................................................................. 68

Fostering Attachment and Attunement: ............................................................................................................. 68

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Fostering Attachment/Attunement ....................................................................... 69

Self-Compassion Focus: Mindfulness ...................................................................................................................... 69

Why Practice Mindfulness? ................................................................................................................................. 70

Pause for Practice: C.O.A.L ...................................................................................................................................... 70

Pause for Practice – Sensing with Pleasure using C.O.A.L ....................................................................................... 71

Heart Centered Dialogue – Sensing with Pleasure:............................................................................................ 72

Next Week’s Focus .................................................................................................................................................. 72

Deepening Your Awareness at Home ...................................................................................................................... 72

Reflections for Session Three: ............................................................................................................................. 72

Readings for Session Four: ................................................................................................................................... 72


End of Session Summary ......................................................................................................................................... 73

S3: Reflections: ........................................................................................................................................................ 74

Session Four Facilitation Outline ............................................................................................................................. 75

Session Four Course Material .................................................................................................................................. 81

Session Four Framework ......................................................................................................................................... 81

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................... 81


Session Prep ............................................................................................................................................................ 81

Arrival & Welcome .................................................................................................................................................. 82

Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing .............................................................................................. 82

Quote: Cassandra Vieten ......................................................................................................................................... 82

Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................... 82

Review and Reflect .................................................................................................................................................. 83

Session Three Reflections: ................................................................................................................................... 83

Readings for Session Four: ................................................................................................................................... 83

Pause for Practice – Safe Place ................................................................................................................................ 84



Heart-Centered Dialogue – Safe Place: ............................................................. 84

Transition to this Week’s Focus ............................................................................ 85

The High and the Low Road and the Brain ........................................................... 85

Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand Model ..................................................................... 85

The High Road: ..................................................................................................................................................... 87

The Low Road: ...................................................................................................................................................... 87

Recognizing Low Road Emotions: ...................................................................................................................... 87

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Recognizing ‘Low Road’ Emotions & Triggers ........................................................ 88

Pause for Practice: S.T.O.P ...................................................................................................................................... 90

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch ............................................................................ 91

Self-Compassion Focus: Common Humanity .......................................................................................................... 91

The Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother ..................................................................................................................... 92

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother: ........................................................................... 93

Practicing Repair – ................................................................................................................................................... 94

Heart Centered Dialogue – Repair: .................................................................................................................... 95

Group Activity – Revisiting Intention ....................................................................................................................... 95

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Intention: ................................................................................................................. 96

Next Week’s Focus .................................................................................................................................................. 96


Reflections for Session Four: ............................................................................................................................... 96

Readings for Session Five: .................................................................................................................................... 96

Group Reading: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters .......................................................................................... 97


End of Session Summary: ........................................................................................................................................ 98

S4: Reflections: ........................................................................................................................................................ 99

Session Five Facilitation Outline ............................................................................................................................ 100

Session Five Course Material ................................................................................................................................. 107

Session Five Framework ........................................................................................................................................ 107

Session Five Goals: ............................................................................................................................................. 107

Theoretical Background: .................................................................................................................................... 107

Session Prep .......................................................................................................................................................... 107

Arrival & Welcome ................................................................................................................................................ 107

Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing ............................................................................................ 108

Group Reading- Maya Angelou ............................................................................................................................. 108

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Maya Angelou:........................................................................................................ 108

Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................. 108

Review and Reflect ................................................................................................................................................ 108



Reflections for Session Four: .......................................................................... 109

Readings for Session Five: ............................................................................... 109

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Meaning of Baby’s Name: ....................................... 109

Transition to this Week’s Focus .......................................................................... 109

Attachment and the Internal Working Model ................................................................................................... 110

Take in the Good ................................................................................................................................................ 111

Pause for Practice - Compassionate/Loving Presence .......................................................................................... 112

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Compassionate and Loving Presence ................................................................... 113

Identifying Your Base – Role Models ..................................................................................................................... 113

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Role Models ........................................................................................................... 114

Developing Intentional Communication (3-10 Months): ..................................................................................... 115

Shared Attention: ............................................................................................................................................... 116

Fostering Two-Way Intentional Communication: .............................................................................................. 116

Heart Centered Dialogue – Baby’s Intentional Communication: ..................................................................... 117

Group Reading -Poem-Clearing: ............................................................................................................................ 117

Next Week’s Focus ................................................................................................................................................ 117

Deepening Your Awareness at Home .................................................................................................................... 117

Session Five Reflections: .................................................................................................................................... 117

Online Handouts: ............................................................................................................................................... 118

Readings for Session Six: .................................................................................................................................... 118

Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle ....................................................................................................................... 118

End of Session Summary ....................................................................................................................................... 118

S5: Reflections: ...................................................................................................................................................... 119

Session Six Facilitation Outline .............................................................................................................................. 120

Session Six Course Material ................................................................................................................................... 127

Session Six Framework .......................................................................................................................................... 127

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................. 127


Session Prep .......................................................................................................................................................... 127

Arrival & Welcome ................................................................................................................................................ 127


In Class Reading - What I’ve Learned .................................................................................................................... 128

Heart-Centered Dialogue – What I’ve Learned: ................................................................................................ 128

Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................. 128


Session Five Reflections: .................................................................................................................................... 129

Readings for Session Six: .................................................................................................................................... 129



Transition to this Week’s Focus .......................................................................... 129

Emotional Partnerships –Transition to Parenthood Together ........................... 130

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Transition to Parenthood Together ........................... 131

The Evolution of Anger and Identification of Unmet Needs .............................. 132

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen: ....................................................................................................................... 133

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Understanding Our Anger/Armor and Underlying Protective Fabric of Unmet Needs: ......................................................................................................................................................................... 134

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause with Soothing Touch: .......................................................... 135

Pause for Practice: Listening ................................................................................................................................. 136

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Listening: ................................................................................................................ 137

The Importance of Vulnerability............................................................................................................................ 137

Activating Self-Compassion: .............................................................................................................................. 138

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Vulnerability and Self-Compassion ...................................................................... 138

In Class Reading - Story from David Whyte – If Time Permits ............................................................................... 139

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Story from David Whyte – If Time Permits: ........................................................... 139

Next Week’s Focus ................................................................................................................................................ 140


S6: Reflections – Part I: .......................................................................................................................................... 141

S6: Reflections – Part II: ......................................................................................................................................... 142

Session Seven Facilitation Outline ......................................................................................................................... 143

Session Seven Course Material ............................................................................................................................. 150

Session Seven Framework ..................................................................................................................................... 150

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................. 150


Session Prep .......................................................................................................................................................... 150

Arrival & Welcome ................................................................................................................................................ 150


Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................. 151


Session Six Reflections: ...................................................................................................................................... 151

Readings for Session Seven:............................................................................................................................... 151

Transition to this Week’s Focus:............................................................................................................................ 152

Making Marriage Work: ........................................................................................................................................ 152

Elements of Positive Partnerships: .................................................................................................................... 153

1. Creating Love Maps: ............................................................................................................................... 153

2. Nurture fondness and admiration: ........................................................................................................ 153

3. Turn toward each other rather than away or against: .......................................................................... 153



4. Honor your partner’s perspective: ............................................................... 153

5. Approach conflict with kindness and love: .................................................. 153

6. Let your partner influence you:.................................................................... 153

7. Create shared meaning: ............................................................................... 153

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Elements of Positive Partnerships: ........................................................................ 154

Maintaining Healthy Communication: .................................................................................................................. 154

Stay Connected .................................................................................................................................................. 154

Manage Conflict ................................................................................................................................................. 154

Maintain Friendships ......................................................................................................................................... 155

Maintain Physical Intimacy ................................................................................................................................ 155

Finding Humor/Have Fun ................................................................................................................................... 155

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Communication...................................................................................................... 156

The Power of Gratitude: ........................................................................................................................................ 156

Gratitude and Mindfulness: ............................................................................................................................... 156

Cultivating Gratitude .......................................................................................................................................... 157

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Gratitude ............................................................................................................... 158

Pause for Practice – Letter of Gratitude and Appreciation to Oneself ................................................................. 158

Pause for Practice – Love and Gratitude to Baby, Oneself and Partner................................................................ 159

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Love and Gratitude ................................................................................................ 159

Group Reading: Poem – Gratitude ........................................................................................................................ 160

Next Week’s Focus ................................................................................................................................................ 160


S7: Reflections: ...................................................................................................................................................... 161

Pause for Practice: Love and Appreciation to Oneself ......................................................................................... 163

Session Eight Facilitation Outline .......................................................................................................................... 164

Session Eight Course Material ............................................................................................................................... 168

Session Eight Framework ...................................................................................................................................... 168

Goals: ................................................................................................................................................................. 168


Session Prep .......................................................................................................................................................... 168

Arrival & Welcome ................................................................................................................................................ 168


Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................. 169


Session Seven Reflections: ................................................................................................................................. 169

Readings for Session Eight: ................................................................................................................................ 170

Group Reading: Poem - Begin with Love After Love ............................................................................................. 170



Group Sharing: .................................................................................................... 170

Sessions Summaries: .......................................................................................... 171

Session One Focus: ......................................................................................... 171

Mindful Elements: .................................................................................................. 171

Session Two Focus: ............................................................................................................................................ 171

Mindful Elements: ............................................................................................................................................ 171

Session Three Focus: .......................................................................................................................................... 171

Mindful Elements: ............................................................................................................................................ 171

Session Four Focus: ............................................................................................................................................ 172

Mindful Element: ............................................................................................................................................. 172

Session Five Focus; ............................................................................................................................................. 172

Mindful Element: ............................................................................................................................................. 172

Session Six Focus: ............................................................................................................................................... 173

Mindful Element: ............................................................................................................................................. 173

Session Seven Focus: ......................................................................................................................................... 173

Mindful Element: ............................................................................................................................................. 173

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Session Reflection .................................................................................................... 173

Transition to this Week’s Focus ............................................................................................................................. 174

Pause for Practice: Gift and Gratitude ............................................................................................................... 174

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Gift and Gratitude .................................................................................................. 174

Circle of Security: ................................................................................................................................................... 174

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Circle of Security .................................................................................................... 175

Revisit Photo: ......................................................................................................................................................... 175

Closing Circle: ........................................................................................................................................................ 175

Option 1 Weaving the Circle: ............................................................................................................................. 175

Option 2: Wishing Well ...................................................................................................................................... 175

Option 3: Goodbye Ritual: ................................................................................................................................. 176

Group Reading: Poem - Here. Now. You. This is it. ............................................................................................... 177

End of Session Summary: ...................................................................................................................................... 178

Pause for Practice: Letter of Gratitude to Baby .................................................................................................... 179



With Gratitude….

It is with the deepest gratitude, excitement and passion for the academic and creative process that I am so thrilled to be releasing our newest version of the Listening MothersTM curriculum.

The Listening MothersTM curriculum was born after a long labor of love, surrounded by a caring circle of midwives, sparked by a vision to cradle mothers and their babies in a sea of compassion.

No wonder, the curriculum itself is like a living and breathing organism. It contains within its structure knowledge that comes from years of research on topics like secure attachment and healthy emotional development, woven with practical skills that cultivate Mindful Self Compassion, yet it only fully comes to life when mothers who participate in the program, bring their authentic selves forward and share their wisdom; making every group unique.

So who are those wondrous “midwives” that made this miraculous birth possible? Starting with the “giants”, those tireless academics, doctors, researchers and psychologists, who have built the foundation on which this program stands: John Bowlby M.D., D.W. Winnicott M.D, Ph.D, and Stanley Greenspan M.D. on attachment, secure base and emotional development, John Gottman, Ph.D. with his profound exploration in the area of relationships, Dan Siegel M.D., Ph.D. with his insightful research in the area of neuroscience and impacts of mindfulness on the brain, Kristin Neff, Ph.D with her extraordinary work in Self-Compassion and Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. with their outstanding efforts in the area of mindful parenting. Tremendous thanks to Larissa Duncan Ph.D, University of California San Francisco and Joe Cook and Rama Ronen, Ph.D who believed in the beauty and potential of the Listening MothersTM program and have spent several years researching its impacts and effectiveness with incredible results.

The Listening MothersTM program has evolved over the years, integrating the latest knowledge and most current research. It has been hosted by several nurturing homes: originally inspired by Diana Mandel and the Center for Object Relation in Seattle, held with reverie by Wellspring and especially Veronique Burke and Keith Meyer, for the last many years has enjoyed the hospitality of the SJCC on Mercer Island and of course the incredible number of facilities that host Listening MothersTM groups.

But it is through the growing number of professional, thoughtful, dedicated, and passionate facilitators that a unique space for self-discovery for mothers is nurtured via the Listening MothersTM program. It is thanks to these skilled facilitators, that this program thrives. Through their gentle presence with mothers and babies and their attuned guidance, mothers become attuned to their own wisdom, gain clarity and renewed confidence.

My sincerest gratitude to Elizabeth D’Alessandro and Gigi Wickwire who have inspired the latest narrative ensuring the curriculum stays true to form, accessible, relevant and soulful with its current flow. And last but not least, thanks for the tremendous efforts of Deb Grover and Jennifer Strophy and Elizabeth D’Alessandro at Community of Mindful Parenting as they continue to appreciate and chart its potential.

My heart is full with love and gratitude for all those who have contributed to bringing this project to fruition and who have inspired and will continue to inspire this great work. Peace, love and many thanks.

Yaffa Co-founder and Director of Community of Mindful Parenting and Listening MothersTM September 2015



Session One Facilitation Outline

Proposed Time

Session Prep

Review Guidelines for Group Facilitation

Refer to Pre Group Contact Guidelines.

Review Pre-Group Contact

Refer to Pre Group Contact Guidelines.

Setting the Space/Materials:

Facilitator Note: Participants are more likely to complete them if handed out in group sessions.

At Home

Session One Goals:

To create a secure and safe container for each of the mothers to grow.

Begin to get to know one another.

Set an intention.

Introduce the four-pillars of the Listening MothersTM curriculum; Mindful Self-Compassion, Secure Self-Regulation and Attachment, Child Emotional Development and Relationships and Gratitude.

Introduce the mindful concepts of Self-Compassion; Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Self-Kindness.

Realize that the mothers share common experiences with other mothers, and to trust their own judgment as they are innately wise.

Understand that mothers’ initial state of heightened sensitivity with their babies, is to the exclusion of other interests; this is normal, necessary and temporary.

Discuss the function of creating a positive holding environment in order to create a calm space for babies to begin to understand their environment and set the foundation for learning.

Introduce mindful practices to sooth, calm and center.



Arrival, Welcome & Heart-Felt Invitation to Participate

Listening MothersTM Curriculum Summary

Objectives of the Listening MothersTM Program

To appreciate mother’s own journey as they nurture their innate internal wisdom.

To realize the impact and importance of being present and practicing Self-Compassion.

To learn more about being attuned to your babies needs and how that fosters secure attachment.

To understand and move beyond their fears, to embrace the joys of motherhood and transition to the dynamic of their enhanced family.

To create an opportunity for deepening the connection with themselves and their babies as well as creating relationships with other mothers in early postpartum.

To understand the importance of listening, staying connected with their partner and modeling intimacy for their child.

To learn mindful practice tools to add to their self-care toolbox.

To find time to deepen their awareness by reading articles and or completing the REFLECTION exercises that resonate with them.

Heart-Felt Invitation to Participate – Guiding Principles

Invite mothers to:

Choose to be present.

Speak and listen from the heart and with reflective inquiry.

Respect the sacredness of what is being shared and honor differences with curiosity, confidentiality and sincerity.

Check in with you and your baby, take breaks when necessary.

Make attempts to deepen your awareness.

ASK GROUP: If there are other parameters to add to the list to help foster a safe and supportive sharing environment. Are these guidelines everyone can agree to?

Logistics

Location of bathrooms.

Parking

Plan to provide healthy snacks for the first two groups.

Invite mothers to rotate and plan to bring healthy snacks for the additional group sessions.

10

The Benefits of Mindful Practice 20 min




Proposed Time

Initial Centering Practice

Individual Mother and Baby Introductions

Setting an Intention

In Group Reading

A Book is No Substitute

Heart-Centered Dialogue

Plan to spend a little time discussing how the mothers feel about ‘trusting themselves’ and their own judgment.

10 min

Transition to This Week’s Focus

Introduction to the Four Pillars of the Listening MothersTM Curriculum

Mindful Self-Compassion

Self-Regulation & Attachment

Child Emotional Development

Relationships and Gratitude

The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that is interweaves the natural biology of the transition to motherhood with the scientifically proven benefits of mindful practice to be present and embrace their new purpose.

The First Pillar

Definition and the Three Elements of Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness, Mindfulness, Common Humanity

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6

Background – The Benefits of Focused Deep Breaths

4-5-6 - Breathing

Heart-Centered Dialogue – 4-5-6 Breathing Inviting in Calm

Have mothers check in with their body’s after the breathing exercise.

How do their bodies, mind and thoughts feel after the quick 4-5-6 Inviting in Calm exercise.

What’s changed?

Were the mothers able to read the mindfulness article in the pre-group reading? What were their thoughts about the science behind the practice of mindfulness?

20




Proposed Time

Transition to Motherhood

The Fourth Trimester

Primary Maternal Preoccupation

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Fourth Trimester and PMP

Ask mothers to share what Motherhood has been like for them so far? Surprises? Challenges?

Have they noticed their focus and fascination with their baby? Has it been at the expense of their own needs? How do they feel about that?

How have they felt about the lack of sleep, schedule and constant demands of baby? (embrace the connection or are focused on lack of sleep?)

Do they find it difficult to be away from their babies?

What kind of new thoughts do they have about their babies now that they are out of the womb? Fears? Dreams?

The Positive Holding Environment

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Positive Holding Environment

Mothers often have ideas or expectations about Motherhood. Sometimes mothers are surprised by the realities of Motherhood or who they are as a mother.

Discuss what it means to be the filter/container for their babies?

How do they feel about being a container?

Are they exhausted? What are they doing for support?

Have they discovered how their baby prefers to be ‘held’? (Holding can include that of a soft voice. Does not only require touch.)

20




Proposed Time

Next Week’s Focus:

Explore the importance of baby’s emotional development and their need to self-regulate. Begin to identify a child’s unique character, explore mother’s own self-regulation and the concept of co-regulation and discuss the ‘goodness of fit’ and impacts on parenting styles. Further our understanding of Self-Compassion with a focus on Self-Kindness.

Deepen Your Awareness at Home

Reflections for Session One

Have the mothers reflect on one or two additional elements that have changed about them since the birth of their babies.

How do they feel about the changes?

How do the changes align with their prior expectations?

What are they discovering about themselves?

Readings for Session Two

Parenting from the Inside Out By: Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Mary Hartzell, M.ED From: Pub. Jeremy P. Tarcher – Putnam pgs 7-11 Raising Baby: What You Need to Know Lipari, Joanna Psychology Today. Self-Compassion Fosters Mental Health Scientific American By Marina Krakovsky, Jun 2012 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/self-compassion-fosters-mental-health/

Group Photo

Closing Ritual: Weaving the Circle (5-7 min)

End Session: Poem – Fluent

I would love to live, Like a river flows, Carried by the surprise, Of its own unfolding.

- John O’Donohue

15

End of Session Email At Home

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/self-compassion-fosters-mental-health/




Session One Course Material

Session One Framework

Goals:

To create a secure and safe container for each of the mothers to grow.

Begin to get to know one another.

Set an intention.

Introduce the four-pillars of the Listening MothersTM curriculum; Mindful Self-Compassion, Secure Self-Regulation and Attachment, Child Emotional Development and Relationships and Gratitude.

Introduce the mindful concepts of Self-Compassion; Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Self-Kindness.

Realize that the mothers share common experiences with other mothers, and to trust their own judgment as they are innately wise.

Understand that mothers’ initial state of heightened sensitivity with their babies, is to the exclusion of other interests; this is normal, necessary and temporary.

Discuss the function of creating a positive holding environment in order to create a calm space for babies to begin to understand their environment and set the foundation for learning.

Introduce mindful practices to sooth, calm and center.

Theoretical Background: The books used here are referenced throughout the curriculum:

1. THE CHILD THE FAMILY AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD, D.W. Winnicott

2. MINDFUL PARENTING – EVERYDAY BLESSING, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Myla Kabat-Zinn

3. PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT – Daniel Segel

4. SELF-COMPASSION: STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP AND LEAVE INSECURITY BEHIND, Kristin Neff, PhD .

5. http://self-compassion.org/ , Kristin Neff, PhD.

D.W. Winnicott: “Each baby is a person from the start and needs to be known by someone…”

“No one can get to know the baby as well as the baby’s own mother. We can say that the mother adapts herself to what the baby can understand. This active adaptation is just what is essential for the infant’s emotional growth”. Source: THE CHILD THE FAMILY AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD page 87.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061733512/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0061733512&linkCode=as2&tag=commuofmindfp-20

http://self-compassion.org/



Session Prep

Guidelines for Group Facilitation

Your role as a facilitator is a principle element in the delivery of material and the engagement of participants. Please see the Guidelines for Group Facilitation for recommended considerations to assist you with creating a compassionate and engaging holding container on your journey to becoming a Listening MothersTM facilitator.

The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery. Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.

Pre-Group Contact: Contacting mothers prior to the initial group lays the foundation for trust between the facilitator and mother. Please see Pre-Group Contact on the curriculum page for suggested questions for your initial phone introduction, suggested first email contact and pre-readings.

Setting the Space/Materials:

Site visit – Plan to visit the location of your group series to understand the logistics.

Name tags - Provide sharpies and either place on chairs or hand to mothers.

Roster - Plan to create a group roster that has the mother’s preferred contact information. Plan to email to the group. Check for consent of the whole group prior to publishing.

Centerpiece – Think about how you can create a place of beauty for the mothers during the eight weeks. Create a space where they feel nurtured.

Centerpiece Suggestions:

o Candles often signify illumination. Some facilitators light candles at their first session as part of consciously committing to the intention the mothers will set as part of this initial session. Candles can be lit going forward as mothers are arriving to the session as a reminder of their intention and as a centering exercise for mother’s that arrive early to the session and/or are waiting for others to arrive.

o May also use special fabric under candle and/or find a visual such as: a small sculpture, photo or piece of art that you can weave its meaning into the course work and feature in the center of your space.

o May also suggest mothers bring items of comfort such as pillows or blankets for their use during the session.



Snack food - Plan to provide some healthy snacks for mothers for the first couple of sessions (sliced apples, oranges, nuts, water etc.) suggest they plan to bring something going forward and ask for volunteers for weeks three through eight.

3x 5 cards, pens & envelopes – to have mothers write their initial ‘intention’ for the group sessions.

String and scissors - for the closing ritual ‘Weaving the Circle’, which can be done at each session closing. String is to be tied around the mother’s wrist and at the end of the initial session. Mothers may identify an inspirational word or feeling that that they will focus on for the week. See Weaving the Circle further in this outline for ritual details.

Camera – At the end of session one, plan to take a group photo of all the mothers and babies. Plan to take another photo at the end of session eight and email as a follow up so mothers can see the change.

Arrival, Welcome & Group Expectations

Briefly introduce yourself as the mothers arrive. (Longer introduction will happen with the full group after the Centering Practice.) Over the course of the next eight weeks, there will be a collection of research-based lessons, an opportunity to practice self-regulation & mindful-based strategies, sharing amongst group members and additional awareness opportunities to be completed at home for mothers to deepen their experience.

Listening MothersTM Curriculum Summary: Facilitator Note: Summarize or paraphrase a flow that feels good for you so mothers can have a brief overview of your time together over the next eight weeks. Short – 45-60 seconds. Mothers will have received a link to this in their welcome letter.

Week 1: Introduction to the four pillars of the Listening Mothers™ curriculum; Mindful Self-Compassion, Self-Regulation and Attachment, Child Emotional Development and Relationships and Gratitude. Begin to understand how the mindful concepts of Self-Compassion, Mindfulness and Common Humanity are intertwined as part of the natural and biological transition to Motherhood through the Listening MothersTM program. Mothers will explore the transition to the fourth trimester, discuss their initial need to have their babies as their primary focus at the expense of other things and the importance of the creation of a positive holding environment.

Week 2: Explore the importance of baby’s emotional development and their need to self-regulate. Begin to identify a child’s unique character, explore mother’s own self-regulation and the concept of co-regulation and discuss the ‘goodness of fit’ and impacts on parenting styles. Further our understanding of Self-Compassion with a focus on Self-Kindness. Week 3: Attempt to rediscover our ‘beginner mind’. Discuss the concept of ‘falling in love with baby’ and recognizing baby’s cues. Understand the importance of being ‘attuned as well as being ‘attached’; explore the concept the Self-Compassion with a focus on Mindfulness. Week 4: Explore the necessary role of a ‘good enough mother’. Begin to identify some of the events that trigger mothers to unconsciously take the ‘low road’ vs a ‘high road’ of situational processing and the importance of repair. We will also discuss Common Humanity and its importance to our practice of Self-Compassion.



Week 5: Begin to explore mother’s own family dynamic and identify the impact of compassionate loving figures. We will explore feelings of security, patterns of communication and begin to understand how mother’s own internal working model influences patterns of behavior in their own family. We will also discuss our natural negatively bias and discuss two way communication and influences on baby. Week 6: Discuss the transition to parenthood for both parents. Understand the significance of anger and begin to identify the underlying fabric of feelings and vulnerabilities which are ultimately unmet needs. Introduce the practice of listening and the importance of being vulnerable.

Weeks 7: Discuss the elements of positive partnerships, keys to maintaining healthy communication, introduce the powerful nature of gratitude.

Week 8: Review the session highlights, discuss circle of security, and close the circle.

Objectives/Goals of the Listening MothersTM Program: Facilitator Note: Summarize or paraphrase a flow that feels good for you.

To appreciate mother’s own journey as they nurture their innate internal wisdom.

To realize the impact and importance of being present and practicing Self-Compassion.

To learn more about being attuned to your babies needs and how that fosters secure attachment.

To understand and move beyond their fears, to embrace the joys of motherhood and transition to the dynamic of their enhanced family.

To create an opportunity for deepening the connection with themselves and their babies as well as creating relationships with other mothers in early postpartum.

To understand the importance of listening, staying connected with their partner and modeling intimacy for their child.

To learn mindful practice tools to add to their self-care toolbox.

To find time to deepen their awareness by reading articles and or completing the REFLECTION exercises that resonate with them.



A Heart-Felt Invitation to Participate – Guiding Principles: Facilitator Note: If someone is not able to join in session one, make sure you invite mothers to embrace the following guiding principles for the next session. If you are so inclined you can prewrite the following list on a flip chart and bring to session one. The essence of this section is to invite the mothers to embrace the values of the group. Invite mothers to:

Plan to attend and choose to be present.

Speak and listen from the heart and with reflective inquiry.

Respect the sacredness of what is being shared and honor differences with curiosity, confidentiality and sincerity.

Check in with yourself and your baby; take breaks when necessary.

Make attempts to deepen your awareness.

ASK GROUP: If there are other parameters to add to the list to help foster a safe and supportive sharing environment. Are these group norms everyone can agree to?

Logistics:

Location of bathrooms.

Parking

Plan to provide healthy snacks for the first two groups.

Invite mothers to rotate and plan to bring healthy snacks for the additional group sessions.

The Benefits of Mindful Practice There are a myriad of benefits to making mindfulness practice part your daily life. Multiple studies have shown that daily mindful practices increase our sense of well-being including self-esteem, confidence and clarity, and decrease anxiety and depression. We get further into the ‘why and how’ as we progress through the curriculum. Over the eight weeks, we will provide you with different practices to explore; essentially adding more tools to your toolkit for being present. Facilitator Note: This first exercise provides an introduction into connecting mind and body. This may be many mothers first exposure to any sort of mindful practice so we are looking to provide a detailed guide so it can be done deliberately. We don’t focus on the deepness of breath for this first exercise rather mind/body focus. These benefits are discussed later in session one and adapted as part of the centering practice going forward. Now let’s begin.



Initial Centering Practice: Let’s take a moment to pause and arrive into the room. Find yourself getting comfortable in your seat. Allow yourself to let go of all the activities that got you here today. I invite you to close your eyes or soften your gaze. Begin to check in with your breath, noticing your inhale and exhale. Letting your breath, simply go in and out, without any need to change it. (Pause for exploration) Check in with how your body is feeling Do you feel tired or relaxed, softness or tightness? What is it that you feel in your body right now? (Pause) What would support you to feel more comfortable physically? (Slight pause) See if you can make subtle adjustments so that you can increase your comfort at this moment. (Pause) Now, check in with your baby. Is there anything they need to be more comfortable? Again, let’s return to our breath, noticing your inhale and exhale. I invite you to bring your hand to your heart. If you have both hands free you can bring both hands up your heart, or hand to your heart and a hand to your belly. Whatever feels most comfortable for you. Let this touch be soft and tender. Join me in saying to yourself “I have arrived, I am here’. Now take a deep breath in and say to yourself “I have arrived,” and as you exhale say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat those phrases quietly to yourself 2-3 times with the deep inhales and exhales. (Pause) Invite them back into the room and to open their eyes.



Individual Mother and Baby Introductions: After the group has participated in its first mindful practice and is fully present, take the opportunity for the group to begin getting to know one another. In co-facilitation – one facilitator goes first, one facilitator goes last. If single facilitation – the facilitator goes first, to set the tone. Facilitators share their names, a bit about your background, if you are a mother and then what called you ‘here today’.

Mother’s name,

Baby’s name,

Birthdate,

Tell us one or two things that you wish to share with us about your baby.

And, “What calls you here today?”

Setting an Intention Following group introductions, pass out the 3 x 5 cards, pens and an envelope. Provide a moment for mother’s to set a personal intention for their participation in the group. Participants may write down a goal or ‘intention’ with regard to what they hope to get out of the group sessions. Invite the mothers to put their name on the envelope in which they will put their intentions as we will review/revise in session four or can review/revise and hold. Facilitator Note: Setting an intention is like pointing a compass to North. We often meander, get lost and forget where we are going but having the compass set at North serves as a reminder and helps us refocus. You may plan to draw focus to your centerpiece at this time. You can choose to talk about the items of beauty that you have chosen to feature in your practice and/or light a candle to strengthen their commitment to their intention.

In Group Reading

A Book is No Substitute: “I want everyone to understand that no book and no doctor is a substitute for one’s own sensitive contemplation and careful observations. Books with their ready-made formulas have dulled our vision and slackened the mind. Living by other people’s experiences, research, and opinions, we have lost our self-confidence and we fail to observe things for ourselves. Know yourself before you attempt to get to know your children. Become aware of what you yourself is capable of before you attempt to outline the rights and responsibilities of children. First and foremost you must realize that you too, are a child, whom you must first get to know, bring up, and educate.”

Excerpted from: Loving Every Child, Wisdom for Parents; By Janus Korczak & Edited by: Sandra Joseph;

Published by Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill copyright 2007.

(Korczak, 2007)



Heart-Centered Dialogue:

Plan to spend a little time discussing how the mothers feel about ‘trusting themselves’ and their own judgment.

Facilitator Note: Reinforce, that parents find lessons not from books, but from inside themselves, then every book they read can be considered to be of small additional value; and this one, too, will have fulfilled its given task if it has managed to contribute to bringing this idea home.

Transition to This Week’s Focus The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery. Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.

Guide the transition from the ‘arriving’ into the room, setting the space for learning together and establishing the importance of each mother’s innate, internal wisdom… to now introducing the four pillars of the Listening MothersTM curriculum and how they support and nurtures the bond between the mother and child and family.

Introduction to the Four Pillars of the Listening MothersTM Curriculum: Setting an intention above was described as being ‘North’ on a compass for group participants. The four foundational pillars for the Listening MothersTM curriculum and the interwoven nature of the biology of the transition to Motherhood and the scientific benefits of mindful training is our facilitator’s North on our compass.

Curriculum Reference Documents: Please review the following foundational documents for the Listening MothersTM curriculum and summarize and introduce the concepts in a form that feels natural:

Mindful Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness

Mindfulness

Common Humanity

Self-Regulation & Attachment


Relationships and Gratitude



Additional Supporting Reference Documents:

What Self-Compassion is Not

What Mindfulness is Not

Self-Compassion and Mindfulness

Guidelines for Group Facilitation

Pre-Group Contact

Indications of Postpartum Depression

Three Modes of Operation

Information detailing these concepts can be found via the following link RESOURCES/CURRICULUM section of the website. Password required. http://www.communityofmindfulparenting.com/resources-curriculum-access.html. Familiarize yourself with the above documents in order to further integrate the foundational concepts throughout the curriculum where appropriate.

The First Pillar

Definition and Three Elements of Self-Compassion: Self-Compassion means that when we notice that we are distressed or in pain, we treat ourselves with kindness, gentle care, and understanding; much like we would treat a good friend that we know to be distressed or in pain. In addition, Self-Compassion invites personal action with the goal to alleviate our own suffering. This involves turning toward our distress with soothing and comforting gestures and phrases.

Self-Compassion also involves recognizing our shared human condition, and in the context of the Listening MothersTM curriculum, appreciating that women all over the world experience an internal transformational journey as they transition to Motherhood. Dr. Kristin Neff has defined Self-Compassion as being composed of three components: Self-Kindness, Mindfulness and Common Humanity. The following definitions have been adapted from her collection of work.

Self-Kindness: is the conscious decision to turn toward yourself with love and kindness as opposed

to ignoring internal suffering or pain and/or being self-critical. Being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life’s difficulties is inevitable. When expectations are not met, suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When the reality of the situation is accepted with empathy and kindness, level-headedness prevails.

Mindfulness: is the ability to pause and notice one’s thoughts, feelings and sensations in the

present moment without judgment. This can be developed by formal and informal practices.

Common Humanity: as human beings we are both bound and separated by external factors:

cultural, genetic as well as environmental or family of origin. However, we share similar vulnerabilities,

http://www.communityofmindfulparenting.com/resources-curriculum-access.html

http://www.communityofmindfulparenting.com/resources-curriculum-access.html



experience loss, encounter frustration, make mistakes, endure disappointment and have feelings of inadequacies. When we're in touch with our Common Humanity, we are open and accepting of the reality that we are all in the same boat, we are imperfect and the more compassion we will feel toward ourselves and others.

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6

Background – The Benefits of Focused Deep Breaths Have mothers check in with how their bodies feel before you share the benefits of breathing deep. Deep abdominal breathing encourages full oxygen exchange. It also slows heartbeat, reduces or stabilizes blood pressure and clears the mind. Deep, focused rhythmic breathing actually slows down the nervous system which contributes to feelings of relaxation and lessons those feelings of being overwhelmed. Shallow breathing which is a typical breath doesn’t fill the lower part of the lungs which leaves us with shortness of breath and anxiousness. Guide mothers through a quick focused breathing exercise.

4-5-6 Breathing Invite the mothers to get comfortable in their seats and find a soft gaze or close their eyes. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four. Hold your breath for a count of five. Breathe out for a count of six. Repeat two to three times. Invite them back into the room and open their eyes.

Facilitator Note: The important part of this exercise is that the exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation. Focus on the inhale and focus on the exhale.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – 4-5-6 Inviting Calm

Have mothers check in with their body’s after the breathing exercise.

How do their bodies, mind and thoughts feel after the quick 4-5-6 Inviting in Calm exercise.

What’s changed?

Were the mothers able to read the mindfulness article in the pre-group reading? What were their thoughts about the science behind the practice of mindfulness?



Transition to Motherhood The mothers in this group have crossed a major threshold in their lives. This first group is to honor and acknowledge this crossing. As a facilitator you are paralleling the process of attachment by modeling a positive holding environment for your group. After a brief introduction to the lesson material below, use the Heart-Centered Dialogue questions to deepen the understanding of the transition to Motherhood and increase insight into the use of Self-Compassion in the following sessions. Highlights for session one include:

Fourth Trimester

Primary Maternal Preoccupation (PMP)

Positive Holding Environment

Facilitator Note: As you create the space for dialogue, please be aware of mothers who may find it difficult to connect or acknowledge their babies. If you observe possible Indications of Postpartum Depression please find some time to further assess one-on-one with regard to how that mother is doing and what she may need. There may be the opportunity to refer this mother to a skilled clinician who specializes in postpartum depression in addition to participating in the group.

The Fourth Trimester: Post pregnancy, the new infant becomes the mother’s primary concern as the mother’s primal instincts present themselves in keeping the baby alive and protected (Winnicott). Often mothers cannot stop thinking about their babies for a period of time following birth; the baby’s needs become the mother’s needs; this time period is sometimes referred to as the Fourth Trimester. The Fourth Trimester has more in common with the first nine months in the womb than the lifetime that follows birth. Human babies are born early in their development as compared to other mammals and are completely dependent on the mother, whereas most other mammals can move independently soon after birth. This has much to do with the size of the baby’s head in order to fit through the birth canal and the way in which we as humans give birth. For mother and baby, the Fourth Trimester is a period of adjustment that varies in length but can last several months. It is a time where babies have gone from being constantly held and temperature regulated in the womb, continually fed, and external stimulus such as light, sound and direct touch mediated, to having no filter and direct experience with the environment. These first months of a baby’s life outside the uterus is a period of intense development; a biological bridge from fetal life to preparation for the real world. Mothers themselves are adjusting to no longer growing a new life and along with this comes a host of experiences such as lack of sleep, hormonal changes, feelings ranging from anxiety and being overwhelmed to gratitude and bliss, all with intense focus on their babies. This powerful period of intense focus on their babies is called Primary Maternal Preoccupation.



Primary Maternal Preoccupation: Primary Maternal Preoccupation (PMP) was identified by English pediatrician, Dr. DW Winnicott (1956). PMP is the mother’s state of heightened sensitivity to and identification with her baby's needs, to the exclusion of other interests, for a period of time immediately after birth. The mother’s major concern is the task of keeping the baby alive and protected. In order to know her baby, the baby’s needs become the mother’s needs, this is the beginning of a mother’s real knowledge of her baby.

This period of time is necessary, normal and temporary. The mother’s primary role is to help her baby interpret their new environment and give meaning to their actions by consistently meeting their needs. This heightened sensitivity protects, regulates and soothes her baby until the baby can begin to make sense of their new world. It is through this early bonding and dance of co-regulation (session two) with the mother that babies are able to thrive. Thus, the mother enables a dependent relationship to take place, out of which the child gradually learns to navigate their own rhythms and cycles ultimately enabling them to learn and obtain a sense of self (a sense of me/not me). Consistently meeting their baby’s needs, however, may come at the expense of the mother’s own needs and interests. During this normal and temporary postpartum phase, mothers become preoccupied with their infant to the exclusion of other interests; her mind constantly wanders back to her baby when they are separated. When together, she may constantly scan the baby’s face, fingers, toes and check on the baby’s breathing. Mothers adapt to their infants sense of time, forgoing their own sleep rhythms and own need for emotional support that is found by being with someone other than their baby. For a period of time they may not be interested in the experience of family, friends or their partners and may forget all things ‘not baby’.

While it is the case that the PMP mother is open to being stirred-up emotionally by her baby, she may also be overwhelmed by the baby’s helplessness and dependency. Mothers may themselves have feelings of losing control and themselves. Other common fears include: hurting the baby, inadequacy (“I don’t have enough to give,”) being a bad mother (“what I give is not good enough,”) losing themselves or independence through identification with the baby.

Again, this phase is entirely necessary and it is normal and temporary.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Fourth Trimester and PMP

Ask mothers to share what Motherhood has been like for them so far? Surprises? Challenges?

Have they noticed their focus and fascination with their baby? Has it been at the expense of their own needs? How do they feel about that?

How have they felt about the lack of sleep, schedule and constant demands of baby? (embrace the connection or are focused on lack of sleep?)

Do they find it difficult to be away from their babies?

What kind of new thoughts do they have about their babies now that they are out of the womb? Fears? Dreams?



The Positive Holding Environment: One of the ways in which a mother consistently meets the needs of her new baby is by creating a positive holding environment. DW Winnicott described this as physical and emotional holding where the infant is protected without knowing they are protected. A loving mother ‘holds’ her baby and is attuned and attentive to the baby’s needs.

For the baby, being ‘held’ is as important as sleep or food. Holding one’s baby provides a sense of warmth, love and reassuring connection. When a baby is in distress, holding them often helps them to organize their feelings and return to a sense of calm and safety. ‘Holding’ babies can take many forms; using a soft and soothing voice or a soothing touch can also ‘hold’ a baby. In the moments of baby’s continued distress, the mother/partner can continue to foster the early foundations of self-regulation by consciously providing a calm, gentle, compassionate presence which supports safety and connection.

Lack of sleep, constant feedings and changing diapers may lead to feelings of exasperation and exhaustion. Some mothers may feel their only function is to provide sustenance. Building skills like the ability to be present and practicing Self-Compassion, especially Self-Kindness, enables mothers to appreciate their essential role by learning to be more calm, more reflective, less judgmental and more accepting of whatever arises, further strengthening the positive holding environment.

Babies are fully present and sentient beings. They simply embody Mindfulness. They live in the moment. Creating a positive holding environment supports babies in feeling validated, encouraged and supported in their journey.

When the environment of a baby fits to the baby’s inborn energies, gestures and movement, the environment “holds” the baby. This also means putting the baby down when they need to be alone. This is also holding (Louise Kaplan).

When the baby’s environment holds them, they begin to have the illusion that their excitement and gestures have created the world (Kaplan).

In a therapeutic sense and in the context of the Listening MothersTM curriculum, there are as least four subtle layers of ‘positive holding environment’ that are being created through the conscious awareness of the facilitator over the course of this group:

your group facilitation will model this process for the group as a whole and individual moms,

the mother has been/is creating one for her baby,

the group itself acts as this container for the mother,

and mothers are encouraged to lean-into the holding environment of their loved ones, close friends.

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Positive Holding Environment Guide a group discussion supporting self-discovery weaving in and out between the concepts of the Fourth Trimester, PMP and how including Self-Compassion by focusing on centering oneself and deep breathing creates space to support holding environment for the mother and baby. Use the following questions to guide dialogue:

Discuss what it means to be the filter/container for their babies?

How do they feel about being a container?

Are they exhausted? What are they doing for support?

Have they discovered how their baby prefers to be ‘held’? (Holding can include that of a soft voice. Does not only require touch.)



Next Week’s Focus: Explore the importance of baby’s emotional development and their need to self-regulate. Begin to identify a child’s unique character, explore mother’s own self-regulation and the concept of co-regulation and discuss the ‘goodness of fit’ and impacts on parenting styles. Further our understanding of Self-Compassion with a focus on Self-Kindness.

Deepen Your Awareness at Home Plan to print the REFLECTION for session one and bring it to group. Share the following articles to further explore lesson material and or exercises that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection.

Reflections for Session One:

Have the mothers reflect on one or two additional elements that have changed about them since the birth of their babies.

How do they feel about the changes?

How do the changes align with their prior expectations?

What are they discovering about themselves?

Readings for Session Two: Parenting from the Inside Out By: Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Mary Hartzell, M.ED From: Pub. Jeremy P. Tarcher – Putnam pgs 7-11 Raising Baby: What You Need to Know Lipari, Joanna Psychology Today. Self-Compassion Fosters Mental Health Scientific American By Marina Krakovsky, Jun 2012 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/self-compassion-fosters-mental-health/ You can print the handouts, REFLECTIONS and articles and bring them to the group sessions for participants or plan to attach them to an email summarizing your session together to bridge the week. You may also forward the participant link with the password so that mothers can follow week by week and print REFLECTIONs or review articles and handouts online as needed. PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THE FACILITATOR LINK AND PASSWORD.




Group Photo At the end of session one, take a group photo of all the mothers and their babies. At the end of session eight, email both the beginning session and the ending session photos to the mothers as part of the wrap up and as a means for them to witness their changes over time.

Closing Ritual: Weaving the Circle Materials: strong string that will withstand being worn for eight weeks; scissors. String Intention:

To be a reminder of the importance of this special time that mothers have carved out for themselves and act as a touchstone in a ceremonial way throughout the eight weeks.

Ritual Exercise:

Invite all the mothers to stand together in a circle.

As you are walking the circle and wrapping a piece of string around each mother’s wrist, talk about the strength of the circle, it’s never-ending nature and how now this group of women and babies have formed a circle that will journey together for these next eight weeks.

If mothers don’t want the string on their wrist, invite them to put it somewhere that is regularly visible and available to them, such as a diaper bag or keychain.

Once a few mothers have the string on their wrist, invite them to identify one word from the day that has resonated with them; A word they will carry with them through the week when they see the string and think about the group. It could be inspirational, something they want to learn more about or something they wish to focus on personally.

Mothers may say words like: strength, honesty, compassion.

Every week at the end of the group, go around the circle and ask them to pause and identify a word they will carry with them for the week.

Complementary Activity: A complementary activity is to write down each of the words identified each week and compile and send them to the mothers at the very end of the group. It crafts a living poem over the course of the eight week series.

End Session: Poem - Fluent I would love to live, Like a river flows, Carried by the surprise, Of its own unfolding.

- John O’Donohue



End of the Session Summary Between your sessions, take an opportunity to continue to build the container that will hold these mothers for the next eight weeks. Bridge the gap between the days before your next group by emailing a summary of what was covered in the prior session and a gentle reminder to practice their mindful pauses. You may also invite them to deepen their awareness by taking an opportunity to fill in the REFLECTION exercises and read the attached articles. This summary also provides an invitation for a mother that might be struggling to contact you directly, assess their state and refer them out if necessary. Session eight has sessions summaries that weave in identifies the important topics per session and the associated mindful elements covered you can plan to use as part of your summary email if you like.



S1: Reflections: As part our group discussion, we shared several things that have changed about us as part of our transition to Motherhood/Parenthood. Identify and reflect on one or two additional elements that you feel have changed within you, or for you, since your baby has been born. Take the opportunity to continue to explore these changes. Feel free to use the back of this paper.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________

How do you feel about these changes?

How do these changes align with your prior expectations of Motherhood/Parenthood? Especially as you get to know your baby.

What are you discovering about yourself? When are there opportunities to practice Self-Compassion and Self-Kindness?

Pause for Practice – 4-5-6 Breathing: During this next week, notice when you become tense or experience great

joy. How does your body react? Pause to be present in the moment and breathe using the 4-5-6 breathing exercise. Be aware of your thoughts, emotions and how your body feels after your breath. What did you notice?



Session Two Facilitation Outline Activity

Proposed Time

Session Prep

New Participant

At Home

Session Two Goals

Introduce the concept of self-soothing and Self-Regulation for mother and baby. Understand how the baby’s growing ability to self-regulate will affect their

emotional and cognitive development. Recognize the co-regulation dance between mother and baby and its

contribution to secure attachment, attunement and healthy development. Discuss ‘goodness of fit’ between baby’s actions and parental responses. Reflect on parental tendencies/temperament and begin the process of

identifying triggers. Refine mother’s skills in observing baby’s temperamental tendencies but

emphasize family environment and broader environment have an impact. Deepen the capacity to identify being out of balance and incorporate Self-

Kindness to return to one’s center and sense of calm in the Mothering journey.

Arrival and Welcome

Pause for Practice: Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing

‘I have arrived. I am here’.

Benefits of Mindful Practice

5 min




Proposed Time

Check-In

Review and Reflect

Reflections Session One

Additional element that has changed with in you since your baby has been born and or how you feel about the changes?

Was there something you discovered about yourself after last week’s group?

Articles for Session Two:

Article: Parenting from the Inside Out By: Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Mary Hartzell, M.ED From: Pub. Jeremy P. Tarcher – Putnam pgs 7-11 Article: Raising Baby: What You Need to Know Lipari, Joanna Psychology Today. Self-Compassion Fosters Mental Health Scientific American By Marina Krakovsky, Jun 2012 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/self-compassion-fosters-mental-health/

15 min






Proposed Time


Self-Regulation and Interest in the World (0 – 3 Months)

The Co-Regulation “Dance”

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Self-Regulation

Can you identify some of the things that you do to return to a calm state or Self-Regulate when something does not go as planned?

How does this feel in your body?

Does your baby show signs of Self-Regulation?

What does your baby already use to calm themselves and how do they do it?

When do they feel most calm?

When did you first notice this ability?

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause – Inviting in Calm

I’ve done my best, now forget the rest.

25 min




Proposed Time

Goodness of Fit

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Goodness of Fit - Mother’s Temperament

How do you react when you are put in a situation that is uncomfortable or stressful?

Tend to ‘go with the flow’ embrace change

Clam up get anxious

Withdraw but warm up

What are the types of things that consistently make you uncomfortable (triggers)?

How do you return to calm?

Assessing Baby’s Unique Style

Pause for Practice: Wait, Watch and Wonder

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Baby’s Temperament

What sights, sounds, touches, and movements bring them pleasure?

Which senses keep them calm and get their attention?

Do they like firm or soft touch? Slow or fast rhythms?

Do they like soft or loud sounds? High or low voices?

Do they enjoy energetic, animated facial expressions and sounds or calm, soothing interactions?

Which senses do they see their babies using most? Touch, sight, taste, hearing?

How can you help baby learn to self-regulate?

Cultivating Self-Regulation and Supporting Baby’s Temperament

25 min




Proposed Time

Pause for Practice - Fist Clench Exercise

Using Mindful Self-Compassion to Bring Back Balance

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Bringing Back Balance

Were they able to identify with the stress we carry and how by clenching their fists it activated the tightness we can feel when we experience stress?

What sorts of feelings and sensations did they feel?

Were they able to find relief when they opened their fist and took in a cleansing breath?

Are there particular situations or circumstances that tend to pull them off balance?

What do they do currently to turn that moment around?

How do they calm themselves and return to center?

Self-Compassion Focus: Self-Self-Kindness

Cultivating Self-Kindness

Acts of Self-Kindness

What Self-Compassion is Not

25 min



Next Week’s Focus

Attempt to rediscover our ‘beginner mind’. Discuss the concept of ‘falling in love with baby’ and recognizing baby’s cues. Understand the importance of being ‘attuned as well as being ‘attached’; explore the concept the Self-Compassion with a focus on Mindfulness.


Session Two Reflections

Provide a brief understanding of the types of questions for this week’s reflection.

Practice being present without judgement while observing baby.

While observing baby, take note of their temperament tendencies.

Observe the senses baby favors to sooth themselves while interacting.

What sorts of things are mothers doing currently to support their baby’s positive holding environment and or based on the observations, what might they do to further support

Readings for Session Three:

Five Basic Elements to Foster Secure Attachment By: Daniel J Siegel, MD Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind Mindful Motherhood By: Cassandra Vieten, Phd. 2009 New Harbinger Publications Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves Tiny Buddha By Bobbi Emel http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/ 40 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness By Mike O’Connor Jan, 2014 http://kindnessblog.com/2014/01/29/40-ways-to-practice-self-kindness/

Online Handouts:

Signals that your Baby is Over Stimulated by John Gottman

Games for Stimulation

End Session: Poem – For Presence

Awaken to the mystery of being here and enter the quiet immensity of your own presence.

Have joy and peace in the temple of your senses.

Receive encouragement when new frontiers beckon.

10 min

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/


http://kindnessblog.com/2014/01/29/40-ways-to-practice-self-kindness/




Proposed Time

Respond to the call of your gift and the courage to follow its path. Let the flame of anger free you of all falsity.

May warmth of heart keep your presence aflame.

May anxiety never linger about you.

May your outer dignity mirror an inner dignity of soul.

Take time to celebrate the quiet miracles that seek no attention.

Be consoled in the secret symmetry of your soul.

May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.

~ John O’Donohue

Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle

End of the Session Summary At Home



Session Two Course Material

Session Two Framework

Goals: Introduce the concept of self-soothing and Self-Regulation for mother and baby.

Understand how the baby’s growing ability to self-regulate will affect their emotional and cognitive development.

Recognize the co-regulation dance between mother and baby and its contribution to secure attachment, attunement and healthy development.

Discuss ‘goodness of fit’ between baby’s actions and parental responses.

Reflect on parental tendencies/temperament and begin the process of identifying triggers.

Refine mother’s skills in observing baby’s temperamental tendencies but emphasize family environment and broader environment have an impact.

Deepen the capacity to identify being out of balance and incorporate Self-Kindness to return to one’s center and sense of calm in the Mothering journey.

Theoretical Background: The books identified below are used in session two and are referenced throughout the curriculum:

1. FIRST FEELINGS, Stanley Greenspan M.D. 2. THE CHILD THE FAMILY AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD, D.W. Winnicott 3. BUDDHA’S BRAIN, Rick Hanson 4. THE COMPASSIONATE INSTINCT: THE SCIENCE OF HUMAN GOODNESS, by Dacher Keltner 5. NEW EVIDENCE ON UNEXPLAINED EARLY INFANT CRYING: ITS ORIGINS, NATURE AND

MANAGEMENT by Ronald G. Barr 6. CLASSROOM STRATEGIES FOR SELF-REGULATION, Shanker, Stuart

Winnicott: “There is no such thing as an infant, meaning that whenever one finds an infant

one finds maternal care, and without maternal care there would be no infant.”

Session Prep Consider the following items when preparing for your group session:

Name tags – may still be needed.

Snack food -ask for volunteer for snack going forward.

String and scissors – for ‘Weaving the Circle’ closing ritual, if need to replace a string or new mother joins.

Plan to print session two REFLECTIONS.

Set your space with beauty.



New Participant: If you have a new mother joining this session, welcome her as you have the other mothers, by calling her and reviewing the Pre Group Contact outline and questions used prior to session one as a guide. Plan to also review session one’s core learnings including:

Heart-felt Invitation/ Guiding Principals in session one,

introduce the foundational pillars of the Listening MothersTM curriculum,

briefly cover they key elements of Self-Compassion, and the 4-5-6 Breathing exercise.

and highlight one or two stories and overall sharing from the previous week creating a bridge for the mother as she joins the group.

Let her know that when the group does “check-in” you will invite her to share what called her to the group in addition to her highlight of the week.

Encourage your new mother to read the articles for session two and make an attempt to fill in the REFLECTIONS exercise for session one.

Let your group mothers know that a new mother and baby will be joining for session two and that you have shared the guiding principles. Plan to have everyone go around the circle again and give their baby names and baby’s birthdate for a brief introduction.

Arrival & Welcome

Plan to arrive a few minutes early to set the beauty of your space.

Welcome mothers and babies as they arrive.

Name tags may still be useful for this session.

Transition: Once everyone is settled in, begin with a Centering Practice but going forward, add the 4-5-6 Breathing.

Pause for Practice – Centering – with 4-5-6 Breathing Allow participants to get settled.

Invite them to bring their hand to their heart. Breathe in in out several times slowly. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath in, hold for four and say to yourself “I have arrived,” Hold your breath for a count of five. Exhale for a count of six and say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat two to three times.



Benefits of Mindful Practice: Facilitator Note: If you have a group of mothers that express additional interest in the science of how mindful practices work, you may share with them additional detail on the Three Modes of Operation available in the Additional Supporting Reference Documents section. Why do we practice Mindfulness? The human body has a governing system called the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). This system is responsible for regulating functions that are unconsciously directed such as heartbeat, digestion and breathing. The ANS has two wings; the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) and the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS). The SNS automatically administers the physical and psychological response our bodies have to a perceived threat. When our bodies are under stress, the sympathetic system secretes essential hormones that increase heartrate, alertness, glucose levels and breathing which engages our primal instinct of our ‘fight or flight’ response. The PNS governs recovery and relaxation and is engaged after the stimulus triggering the SNS has been responded to; it relaxes muscles, slows the heart rate and lowers blood pressure. It also supports sleep and the immune function. Under normal conditions a balanced exchange occurs between the two systems, producing a feeling of well-being and confidence that we can handle what life hands us. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) is activated by external demands. Colic is a common but distressing phenomena where a baby will have difficulty feeding and can cry every day for hours. This can cause the mother stress, engaging her SNS for an extended period of time as she may feel at a loss at not being able to soothe her baby. Through the use of mindful practices, mothers can learn to engage their parasympathetic nervous system at will, supporting a return to one’s center, sense of calm and clarity. This calm gives mothers more control over their inner landscape and their ability to engage their babies in the loving and safe container they are beginning to understand.

Check-In Check-ins are an opportunity to bring mother’s voices in and be witnessed in the mothering journey. Questions:

What is a ‘pearl’ for you from last week?

Sometimes a highlight can be difficult. If a mother doesn’t have a highlight, ask them to share something that feels comfortable.

Facilitator Note: You may choose to briefly share a highlight from your week as a parent, demonstrating Common Humanity. Track the sharing during check-ins as the ‘pearls’ shared can inform the course material and what you may choose to emphasize.



Review and Reflect Transition from the check-in to the discussion of last week’s REFLECTION. Ask if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts.

Session One Reflections: Last week’s REFLECTIONS exercise provided a window to further explore where expectations and actual changes in transitioning to Motherhood had been expected or unexpected.

Additional element that has changed with in you since your baby has been born and or how you feel about the changes?

Was there something you discovered about yourself after last week’s group?

Readings for Session Two: Parenting from the Inside Out By: Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Mary Hartzell, M.ED From: Pub. Jeremy P. Tarcher – Putnam pgs 7-11 Raising Baby: What You Need to Know Lipari, Joanna Psychology Today. Self-Compassion Fosters Mental Health Scientific American By Marina Krakovsky, Jun 2012 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/self-compassion-fosters-mental-health/

Transition to this Week’s Focus Guide mothers from the review of the prior week’s material regarding The Fourth Trimester and Primary Maternal Preoccupation to Self-Regulation and Interest in the World, Goodness of Fit and Baby’s Unique Style, while further exploring Self-Compassion. The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery. Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.




Child Emotional Development Child Emotional Development is the third pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum. Stanly Greenspan identifies six stages of emotional development that infants and toddlers progress through. The Listening MothersTM curriculum provides context to the first three stages, and in our group environment and the space to practice mindful strategies with the purpose of strengthening that foundation. A Summary of the six different stages are available as part of the Listening MothersTM pillar documents on the curriculum page. The three stages highlighted throughout the sessions are:

Self-Regulation and Interest in the World (0-3 Months)

Falling in love and Appreciating Relationships (2 -7 Months)

Developing Intentional Communication (3-10 Months)

Self-Regulation and Interest in the World (0 – 3 Months) As identified in session one, the first four months in an infant’s life are a discovery process where they are learning to process the external stimuli. Both positive and negative experiences can overwhelm an infant. A mother’s primary focus is to help her infant navigate this new world. As a mother gains understanding of herself and her new role, they mother becomes calmer and they are better able to tune into their babies and address the baby’s needs. A newborn is faced with two fundamental and simultaneous challenges during the first weeks of life. Greenspan says the first task of baby is to feel calm and relaxed. The second, is to become interested in the world through using senses: taste, touch, smell, sound and sight. These two tasks work hand in hand. As a baby is able to feel relaxed, they are better able to take in their environment. We call this process Self-Regulation and is the second foundational pillar of the Listening MothersTM program. The baby learns to Self-Regulate by experiencing a mother who helps them at the beginning to stay calm. The mother is the auxiliary regulator for her baby. Her soothing voice, self-control, gentle touch and sharing of the world around them help set the tone of Self-Regulation. This allows the baby to stay relaxed and practice using their senses. Relying on soothing faces or interesting objects help a baby to transcend internal chaos; much like an adult can feel somewhat anxious when approaching a crowd and is calmed by seeing a familiar face.

The Co-Regulation “Dance” Co-Regulation occurs when a mother and a baby reach the point where they are “in synch” with each other because they:

Understand what is on each other’s mind by making sense of cues and gestures.

Recognize the effects of each other’s behavior on the other.

Adjust their behavior to help up-regulate or down-regulate each other as necessary.

Such a “dance”, it is now recognized, begins as early as mothers and others react with infants under their care. Shanker, Stuart. (2012) CLASSROOM STRATEGIES FOR SELF-REGULATION. Pearson Education Canada



The ability for a baby to Self-Regulate and the Co-Regulation dance that occurs between a mother and baby, expand the foundation for life-long emotional regulation. This Co-Regulation dance gives access to a full range and the potential to modulate the intensity and the duration of emotions; supporting the fluidity to shift from one emotional state to another.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Self-Regulation: Extreme or unchecked emotional reactions ultimately impede our ability to function, but as mothers, unchecked emotional reactions impact how babies see the world. We spoke last week, about the transition to Motherhood and the unexpected demands, changes and challenges mothers find themselves needing to manage. Using the questions below, guide a discussion with regard to how mothers knowingly or unknowingly regulate themselves:

Can you identify some of the things that you do to return to a calm state or Self-Regulate when something does not go as planned?

How does this feel in your body?

Does your baby show signs of Self-Regulation?

What does your baby already use to calm themselves and how do they do it?

When do they feel most calm?

When did you first notice this ability?

Facilitator Note: It is quite possible that as mothers have been so immersed in the care taking of their new baby and absorbed in the Primary Maternal Preoccupation phase, they have yet to be present with their child to begin to recognize their important cues. As you facilitate the above dialogue, keep in the mind the following material on Goodness of Fit/Temperament and introducing the practices of Wait, Watch and Wonder below.

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause – Inviting in Calm The 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause is a way to help Self-Regulate by returning to center after celebrating a success, or when something does not go as anticipated. It adds a focused soothing phrase that when used with a calm breath returns us to the important and loving place of understanding and support. You can use any soothing phrase for this pause.

Close your eyes Breathe in through your nose for a count of four repeating to yourself “I have done my best”. Hold your breath for a count of five. Breathe out for a count of six repeating to yourself “Now, let go of the rest”. Repeat two to three times.

Invite them back into the room and open their eyes.

Facilitator Note: The important part of this exercise is that the exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation.



Goodness of Fit: Each and every child is unique. However, research has shown that we have an “inborn filter” through which life is organized and experienced. How a parent chooses to respond and create space for their child’s tendencies, supports the growth of the individual child. The ‘goodness of fit’ between the actions of the baby and the responses of the parent determines the harmony between them. Although babies may be predisposed to certain tendencies, family environment, broader culture and life experiences have an influence. Parents who are sensitive to their baby’s strengths and style and respond accordingly will make this transitions smoother. There are three generally understood categories of temperament:

Easy babies: tend to be calm, happy, have regular sleeping and eating habits, are quick to adapt and are interested in new experiences.

Difficult babies: tend to be fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, slow to adapt, tend to withdraw in new situations and react with high intensity.

Slow to warm up babies: tend to be relatively inactive, reflective and are inclined to withdraw or react negatively to new encounters but their reactions tend to gradually become more positive with experience.

Understanding a parent’s own tendencies, is an important part of understanding a child’s temperament. As adults, we have had many years to understand and appreciate the context in which situations arise and as adults, we still sometimes need to take a moment to process our emotional response. Recognizing each parents’ own triggers and temperament can guide parents in the direction of better understanding and supporting their child’s own general temperament.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Goodness of Fit -Mother’s Temperament Help guide a discussion that identifies aspects of the mother’s own temperament:

How do you react when you are put in a situation that is uncomfortable or stressful?

Tend to ‘go with the flow’ embrace change

Clam up get anxious

Withdraw but warm up

What are the types of things that consistently make you uncomfortable (triggers)?

How do you return to calm?

Facilitator Note: if the concept of falling into self-criticism emerges, you can take the opportunity to Pause for Practice and create space to complete the Fist Clench exercise and circle back to Assessing Baby’s Unique Style. The Fist Clench exercise provides an opportunity to feel the sense of release, freedom, and appreciate the process of Self-Regulation that practicing Self-Compassion provides.

Assessing Baby’s Unique Style: After assessing some elements of the mother’s temperament, triggers and how mothers return to calm, transition to guide them to further explore their baby’s unique temperament. As parents, it is our job to learn our baby’s cues and help them learn how to find calm.



Pause for Practice: Wait, Watch and Wonder The premise of Wait, Watch and Wonder is for mothers to let their babies take the lead, be the initiator and learn to appreciate their baby’s cues for engagement through focused observation. A parent’s role is to be curious and allow their baby to experience feelings and practice their strengths. When parents follow their baby’s lead, they will be able to help their baby calm themselves in the best way for their particular baby. Using all baby’s senses to experience the world lays the groundwork for emotional development. Interest in the world furthers the foundation for interest in human relationships.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Baby’s Temperament: Using the key elements below, and the process of Wait, Watch and Wonder, guide a discussion that moves from a mother’s ability to identify their own temperament and triggers and how they return to calm to that of their baby’s. Chess and Thomas identify several traits that contribute to a child’s temperament. By the time a baby is about four months old, mothers should be able to begin noticing engagement and disengagement cues around the following:

Activity: what kind of sound and activity level do they prefer?

Adaptability: how receptive is their baby to new things how do they do with transitions or surprises?

Distractibility: how easily are they distracted from discomfort?

Frustration tolerance/Persistence: how long will they attempt to do something like lift their head as they give them tummy time before the baby gives up or demonstrate frustration?

Intensity: how vigorously do they react when they are hungry, uncomfortable or is not fond of something?

Mood: are they generally happy, content or unhappy and fussy?

Regularity: how regular are they in their forming habits, like eating and sleeping, pooping?

Sensitivity: how do they react to stimuli such as noise, light and textiles, human touch?

Questions:

What sights, sounds, touches, and movements bring them pleasure?

Which senses keep them calm and get their attention?

Do they like firm or soft touch? Slow or fast rhythms?

Do they like soft or loud sounds? High or low voices?

Do they enjoy energetic, animated facial expressions and sounds or calm, soothing interactions?

Which senses do they see their babies using most? Touch, sight, taste, hearing?

How can you help baby learn to self-regulate?



Facilitator Note: This week’s REFLECTIONS encourage mothers to create space to further explore their baby’s tendencies. As the timing of the group session may not be conducive or supportive to their baby’s natural state of engagement, encourage them to take the time to practice noticing their baby when their baby may be more receptive.

Cultivating Self-Regulation and Supporting Baby’s Temperament: Plan to weave in and reiterate the following important points about Self-Regulation and supporting baby’s temperament:

Mothers cannot spoil their child by spending too much time with them. Don’t leave their babies unattended for long stretches of time.

Plan to be present and interact with their babies with no distractions, for short stretches of time (5-15 minutes), several times per day. This focused interaction contributes to brain development.

Find enjoyable ways to cultivate their child’s multiple senses and movement at the same time.

The activity that most contributes to brain development is mothers direct interaction with their child – plan to use touch, sound and direct gazing not just stimulate them with the latest toys.

Pausing to practice Self-Compassion as mothers navigate their baby’s temperament to celebrate a success or reflect on difficulty provides an opportunity to Self-Regulate. This allows mothers to maintain a positive holding and learning environment for their baby.

A calm breath and a soothing touch to the heart helps return to an important and loving place of understanding and support.



Pause for Practice – Fist Clench This Fist Clench exercise provides an opportunity to practice moving our senses ever so slightly into the ‘fight or flight’ state. This enables us to use Self-Compassion as a way to engage our parasympathetic nervous system to find inner calm, affection and kindness and help mothers return to the important and loving place of understanding and support.

Close your eyes. Take a moment to feel the sensations of your body’s current state. Clench your fists. After about 20 seconds in a soft voice, while mothers are still clenching their fists, guide their internal thoughts by asking the following questions: Focus on the feelings in your hands. What sensations does the tightening of your hands evoke for you? What emotions does the clenching and tightness of your fists suggest? How does your body feel? Now release your fists, open your hands, and display your palms facing upward. Take a deep breath, cleansing breath – breathing in hope and happiness. What shifts as you open your hands and face them upward? How does your body feel? Place one hand on top of the other, and put them both gently on the center of your chest. Focus on and feel the warmth of your hands on your heart. Focusing only on the process of holding your hand over your heart, feeling warmth and breathing deeply. What feelings, thoughts or sensations does the process of holding your hand on your heart and breathing deeply encourage? Take a deep breath, open your eyes

Heart-Centered Dialogue –Bringing Back Balance The process of the Fist Clench exercise created a flood of focused sensations to our fists. Guide a brief discussion in the context of Self-Compassion below, that enables mothers to begin noticing those ‘triggers’ that throw mothers off balance and where they find themselves reacting.

Were they able to identify with the stress we carry and how by clenching their fists it activated the tightness we can feel when we experience stress?

What sorts of feelings and sensations did they feel?

Were they able to find relief when they opened their fist and took in a cleansing breath?

Are there particular situations or circumstances that tend to pull them off balance?

What do they do currently to turn that moment around?

How do they calm themselves and return to center?



Facilitator Note: Have mothers begin to informally take notice of those things that ‘trigger’ them this week. Many of them may not be aware or have ever given much thought especially being caught up in the transition to Motherhood. Session four’s lesson material and Reflections will focus on this topic.

Using Mindful Self-Compassion to Bring Back Balance We spoke earlier about the Autonomic Nervous System and the two supporting systems, sympathetic (fight or flight) and the parasympathetic (rest and revitalize). When these systems are in balance we maintain a feeling of well-being and confidence and are able to handle what life hands us. The clenched fist posture is a metaphor for what feeling out of balance feels like; we feel stress, pain, are uncomfortable, tight and rigid. This is often our attitude toward ourselves when things don’t go as planned; we tend to criticize ourselves.

Clenching Fists:

The process of clenching our fist taps into our ‘fight or flight’ or sympathetic nervous system. In western culture, the real threat is often trying to protect our own self-perception. We are often dragged out of balance between these two systems and into self-criticism when we feel our worth is in danger; the threat is to unveil our imperfect self. This can be especially true for women because the transition to Motherhood can seem overwhelming, but it is important to remember this transition is a natural process. As new mothers, we are instinctively more driven by the “survival” system; constantly scanning the world for potential danger and responding to any threat. This constant state of stress, throws our internal nervous systems out of balance which can feed insecurities as our bodies’ transition from a nurturing container and we awaken our instincts becoming aware of what it means to care for this young being.

Open Fists and Self-Compassion:

When we open our hands, we feel a great sense of release, freedom, and spaciousness. Opening our hands is a fitting metaphor for mindfulness, and allowing things to be as they are. When we put both hands over our heart, it feels safe, warm, caring, and tender. This is what Self-Kindness feels like; giving ourselves what we want and what we need. After little sleep and constant feedings it can feel like there is no relief in sight. It is through showing kindness to ourselves that we enable our thoughts and feelings to continue to remain constant and in balance for the important role of creating the supportive container for their new baby. When we practice Self-Compassion by incorporating Self-Kindness, Mindfulness (session three) and the understanding of our Common Humanity (session four) we are better able to maintain balance. We are able to sooth our own pain and create an environment that allows our bodies to activate the parasympathetic nervous system releasing oxytocin and other natural opiates that strongly increase feelings of trust, calm, and connectedness. Oxytocin is released in a variety of situations including breastfeeding, tender touching and when parents are present and engage with their small children. Research strongly suggests that Self-Compassion may be a compelling trigger and bridge to the calming state of the parasympathetic nervous system.



Self-Compassion Focus: Self-Kindness Self-Kindness: Self-Kindness: as noted above is the conscious decision to turn toward yourself with love and kindness instead of ignoring pain or being self-critical. Facilitator Note: Plan to provide a personal example or an example of when a mothers might find themselves being self-critical such as not understanding baby’s cues, not finding time for herself, not getting to things that are piling up around the house, etc. As discussed in session one, the transition to Motherhood, as a first time mother or a mother to a third child, requires a period of adjustment. Mothers long to do what is best for their babies and families. The practice of inviting in calm and consciously nurturing a loving presence with one’s own self is an important tool in the journey of motherhood.

Cultivating Self-Kindness: We discussed earlier the ‘see/saw’ that happens between our autonomic nervous systems. Being able to identify when our systems fall out of balance enables us to broaden our choices when presented with a stressful moment. When we are more self-aware and non-judgmental, we are able to witness our stress, identify self-criticism or anxiety and choose Self-Kindness rather than a harmful response. We can cultivate self-awareness through mindful attention to our breath in any given moment noticing breathing in and breathing out without judgment. When judgment arises, which is expected, notice what we feel in our body and mind, and know we can bring kindness toward ourselves by putting our hands on our heart and repeating words of comfort toward ourselves as we did in the 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause exercise above. Instead of ignoring or feeding pain or discomfort, show kindness by appreciating the difficulty or the uncomfortable nature of a situation.

Ask yourself, “How can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?” Acts of Self-Kindness:

Finding patience with yourself.

Acknowledging your effort.

Trusting yourself.

Forgiving yourself for mistakes.

Being truthful to yourself.

Nurturing your dreams.

Expressing gratitude to yourself.

Look for opportunities for success; build self-confidence.

Positive internal dialogue.

Have fun and enjoy life.

What Self-Compassion is Not Facilitator Note: Please see What Self-Compassion is Not in the Additional Supporting Reference Documents section of the curriculum page to be better prepared to speak to the ideas that Self-Compassion is not pity, self-indulgence or self-esteem.

Deepen Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session two REFLECTION exercise and read the following articles to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection.



Reflections for Session Two: Practice being present without judgement while

observing baby.

While observing baby, take note of their temperament tendencies.

Observe the senses baby favors to sooth themselves while interacting.

What sorts of things are mothers doing currently to support their baby’s positive holding environment and or based on the observations, what might they do to further support.

Practice the 4-5-6 Compassion Pause.

Readings for Session Three: Five Basic Elements to Foster Secure Attachment By: Daniel J Siegel, MD Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind Mindful Motherhood By: Cassandra Vieten, Phd. 2009 New Harbinger Publications Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves Tiny Buddha By Bobbi Emel http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/ 40 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness By Mike O’Connor Jan, 2014 http://kindnessblog.com/2014/01/29/40-ways-to-practice-self-kindness/

Online Handouts: Signals that your Baby is Over Stimulated

Games for Stimulation

Next Week’s Focus:

Rediscover our ‘beginner mind’. Attempt to rediscover our ‘beginner mind’. Discuss the concept of ‘falling in love with baby’ and recognizing baby’s cues. Understand the importance of being ‘attuned as well as being ‘attached’; explore the concept the Self-Compassion with a focus on Mindfulness.





End Session: Poem – For Presence:

Awaken to the mystery of being here and enter the quiet immensity of your own presence.

Have joy and peace in the temple of your senses.

Receive encouragement when new frontiers beckon.

Respond to the call of your gift and the courage to follow its path. Let the flame of anger free you of all falsity.

May warmth of heart keep your presence aflame.

May anxiety never linger about you.

May your outer dignity mirror an inner dignity of soul.

Take time to celebrate the quiet miracles that seek no attention.

Be consoled in the secret symmetry of your soul.

May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.

~ John O’Donohue

Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle Materials: strong string that will withstand being worn for eight weeks; scissors. String Intention:

To be a reminder as to the importance of this special time that mothers have carved out for themselves and act as a touchstone in a ceremonial way throughout the eight weeks.

Ritual Exercise:

Invite all the mothers to stand together in a circle.

If you have a new mother or a mother whose string has broken, plan to wrap a string around their wrist and talk about the strength of the circle, it’s never-ending nature and how now this group of women and babies have formed a circle that will journey together for these next eight weeks.

If mothers don’t want the string on their wrist, invite them to put it somewhere that is regularly visible and available to them, such as a diaper bag or keychain.

After the mothers are situated, invite them to identify one word from the day that has resonated with them; A word they will carry with them through the week when they see the string and think about the group. It could be inspirational, something they want to learn more about or something they wish to focus on personally.

Mothers may say words like: strength, honesty, compassion.

Every week at the end of the group, go around the circle and ask them to pause and identify a word they will carry with them for the week.



An additional option: A complementary activity is to write down each of the words identified each week and compile and send them to the mothers at the very end of the group. It crafts a living poem over the course of the eight week series.

End of the Session Summary Between your sessions, bridge the gap between the days before your next group by emailing a summary of what was covered in the prior session, a gentle reminder to practice their mindful pauses, as well as attempt to deepen their awareness by taking an opportunity to fill in the Reflection exercises and read the attached articles. This summary also provides an invitation for a mother that might be struggling to contact you directly, assess their state and refer them out if necessary.



S2: Reflections: As part of our group discussion, we began to explore the importance of Self-Regulation. In the Fourth Trimester, how you regulate provides a window into the world for your baby. Take a few moments this week to mindfully engage Wait Watch and Wonder with your baby through touch, sight and sound. Be open to the affects your interactions have with your child. What did you notice? Think back on the tendencies discussed in group that contribute to your baby’s temperament. As you observe your baby this week, note one or two of the following: how receptive they are to new things? How vigorously they react when they are hungry? How do they respond to noise, light, touch and sound? How easily are they distracted? How regular are their habits? Do they move a lot or are they still? Do they like to be held firmly? What is their overall mood? What did you notice? What senses (sight, touch, taste, sound,) does your baby favor to sooth themselves as you observe the above behavior? As you have become aware of your baby’s temperament, what are some things you are doing or could do differently that engage your baby to further support their positive holding environment encouraging their journey to Self-Regulation?

Pause for Practice: We used 4-5-6 Compassion Pause to invite calm and return to center after our fist clenching exercise. Choose an activity of your choice this week to practice being present without judgement. Focus on the in and out of your breath and; exercise Self-Kindness using “I’ve done my best, now forget the rest” if your mind wanders.



Session Three Facilitation Outline Activity

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Session Three Goals

Provide an opportunity for mothers to experience using their senses to re-discover their ‘beginner mind’ and their baby's learning environment.

Understand how 'falling in love' aids in baby's cognitive development.

Appreciate setting aside dedicated time for one-on-one interaction.

Begin to recognize baby's cues for love and engagement and disengagement.

Understand the difference between ‘attachment’ and ‘attunement’ and the importance of being ‘attuned’.

Introduce the practice of C.O.A.L.

Present the Self-Compassion focus of Mindfulness and its importance to the Self-Compassion triad.

Arrival and Welcome

Pause for Practice: Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing


Group Reading: Poem - Tonight is Love

The subject tonight is Love And for tomorrow night as well, As a matter of fact I know of no better topic For us to discuss Until we all Die!

10 min



Check-In

Review and Reflect

Reflections Session Two

Did they take a few moments to be mindfully present and engage their babies using all of their senses?

Were the mothers able to identify some tendencies around their baby's temperament?

Receptiveness to new things

Vigor

sensory stimuli, noise, light, touch

Regularity

Ease of distraction & overall mood

What sense did they notice that their baby tended to use to sooth themselves?

Did they notice anything that they could do differently to further support their baby's holding environment?

Did they find themselves pausing for practice and centering themselves by using "I've done my best, now forget the rest" practice?

Readings for Session Three

Five Basic Elements to Foster Secure Attachment By: Daniel J Siegel, MD From; Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind Book Passage Hard Wired for Empathy By Christopher Germer, PhD, from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Press. 2009. Mindful Motherhood By: Cassandra Vieten, Phd. 2009 New Harbinger Publications Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves Tiny Buddha By Bobbi Emel http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/ 40 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness By Mike O’Connor Jan, 2014


15 min

Pause for Practice: Rediscovering Beginner Mind 15 min







Proposed Time

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Rediscovering Beginner Mind

Have mothers express how they felt as they mindfully practiced experiencing and exploring the nuances of their chosen item.

Were they able to fully notice and savor, discovering and fully experiencing all its qualities?

How did they respond to themselves if they found their minds wandering?

Were they able to discover their beginner mindset?

How does this relate to how their baby experiences the world?

This Week’s Focus: Child Emotional Development

Falling In Love and Appreciating Relationships (2-7 Months)

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Helping Baby Fall in Love

Describe a time when you felt connected to your baby, or maybe the first time you felt you were “in love” with your baby.

How do you feel as part of being in love with your baby? How does your body feel?

What sorts of things do you do with your baby to show them you are in love?

What sorts of things does their baby do to show them they are engaged and ‘in love’?

Have your babies cues evolved?

Recognizing Baby’s Cues of Love

20 min

Attachment and Attunement

Fostering Attachment and Attunement

Heart-Centered Dialogue Attachment/Attunement

What are some things the mothers do to attempt to connect with their babies?

Have they been surprised by what sorts of things interest their babies?

What sorts of things have they introduced them to?

Have they found their reactions to always be positive?

What did they do if their baby’s reactions weren’t positive?

Have they had an experience where they have had to pull back and start from their last known level of ability?

20 min




Proposed Time

Self-Compassion Focus: Mindfulness

Why Practice Mindfulness?

Pause for Practice: C.O.A.L

Curiosity Approach with curiosity, unbound, free to explore like a child.

Openness Be open to whatever you experience. Notice yourself.

Acceptance Accept whatever you find. Just notice.

Love Approach yourself and your practice with love and kindness.

Pause for Practice – Sensing with Pleasure using C.O.A.L

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Sensing with Pleasure

Were they able to shut out all the noise and be present with their baby visually noticing?

How did the interaction with their baby feel?

Did they find their mind wandering? How did they bring themselves back to the present moment, or did they?

If their baby did not appear to be receptive what did they do?

Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised them?

How did their bodies feel at each of the check points in the practice? Did they notice a difference?

15 min




Proposed Time

Next Week’s Focus

Next week, we will be exploring the necessary role of a ‘good enough mother’. Begin to identify some of the events that trigger mothers to unconsciously take the ‘low road’ vs a ‘high road’ of situational processing and the importance of repair. We will also discuss Common Humanity and its importance to our practice of Self-Compassion. Deepening Your Awareness at Home

Reflections Topic for Session Three

Are they able to be present without distractions and if not, how did they go forward?

Reflect on feelings, sensations and thoughts.

Notice how their body feels with each of the check-ins.

Readings for Session Four

How We Keep It Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road and the Low Road By: Dan Siegel From: Parenting From the Inside Out A Violinist in the Metro The Science of Mindfulness By Dan Siegel Sept 2010 http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/


10 min

End of Session Summary At Home

http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/



Session Three Course Material

Session Three Framework:

Goals:

Provide an opportunity for mothers to experience using their senses to re-discover their ‘beginner mind’ and their baby's learning environment.

Understand how 'falling in love' aids in baby's cognitive development.

Appreciate setting aside dedicated time for one-on-one interaction.

Begin to recognize baby's cues for love and engagement and disengagement.

Understand the difference between ‘attachment’ and ‘attunement’ and the importance of being ‘attuned’.

Introduce the practice of C.O.A.L.

Present the Self-Compassion focus of Mindfulness and its importance to the Self-Compassion triad.

Theoretical Background: Books identified below are used in session three and are referenced throughout the curriculum:

1. FIRST FEELINGS, Stanley Greenspan 2. ONENESS AND SEPARATENESS, Louise Kaplan 3. BUILDING HEALTHY MINDS, Greenspan, S. 4. FIRST FEELINGS, Greenspan. S. 5. MINDFUL BRAIN: REFLECTION AND ATTUNEMENT IN THE CULTIVATION OF WELL-BEING, Dan

Siegel, MD

Session Prep: Consider the following items when preparing for your group session:

String and scissors – for ‘Weaving the Circle’ closing ritual if needed.

Plan to print session three REFLECTIONS.


Prep Rediscovering Beginner Mind Exercise:

Mysterious candy one for every mother (sans nuts).

Paper bag

The essence of the exercise is to create space for mothers to re-discover the process of using all of their senses and how their babies will experience new things.

Plan to use any mystery item: raisins, Hershey’s Kisses, etc. You don’t need to make a special trip to the store.



Arrival & Welcome

Plan to arrive a few minutes early to set your space.


Name tags may still be useful for this session.

Transition: Once everyone is settled in, begin with a Centering Practice.

Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing Allow participants to get settled. Invite them to bring their hand to their heart. Breathe in in out several times slowly. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath in, hold for four and say to yourself “I have arrived,” Hold your breath for a count of five. Exhale for a count of six and say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat two to three times.

Group Reading: Poem - Tonight is Love

The Subject Tonight is Love by Hafiz

The subject tonight is Love And for tomorrow night as well, As a matter of fact I know of no better topic For us to discuss Until we all Die!

Check-In Check-ins are an opportunity to bring mother’s voices in and be witnessed in the mothering journey. Questions:



Facilitator Note: As a facilitator you may choose to briefly share a highlight from your week as a parent, demonstrating Common Humanity.



Track the sharing during check-ins as the ‘pearls’ shared can inform the course material and what you may emphasize.

Review and Reflect: Transition from the check-in to last week’s REFLECTION. After an opportunity to discuss last week’s lesson material, ask if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts.

Session Two Reflections:

Did they take a few moments to be mindfully present and engage their babies using all of their senses?

Were the mothers able to identify some tendencies around their baby's temperament?

Receptiveness to new things

Vigor

sensory stimuli, noise, light, touch

Regularity

Ease of distraction

Overall mood

What sense did they notice their baby tended to use to sooth themselves?

Did they notice anything they could do differently to further support their baby's holding environment?

Did they find themselves pausing for practice and centering themselves by using "I've done my best, now forget the rest" practice?

Readings for Session Three: Five Basic Elements to Foster Secure Attachment By: Daniel J Siegel, MD From; Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind Book Passage Hard Wired for Empathy By Christopher Germer, PhD, from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Press. 2009. Mindful Motherhood By: Cassandra Vieten, Phd. 2009 New Harbinger Publications Developing Self-Compassion & Learning to Be Nicer to Ourselves Tiny Buddha By Bobbi Emel http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/




40 Ways to Practice Self-Kindness By Mike O’Connor Jan, 2014 http://kindnessblog.com/2014/01/29/40-ways-to-practice-self-kindness/




Pause for Practice: Rediscovering Beginner Mind

The purpose of this practice is to invite mothers to re-discover curiosity and get back to the ‘beginner mind’; to use all of their senses to focus and appreciate their baby’s path and learning environment. Plan to use some sort of candy or ‘treat’ in order to engage all of the senses. Refrain from using anything with nuts. Confirm no one has food allergies.

Reach into the bag and choose an item.

Breathe deeply in and out a few times to clear your mind.

Look at the item you have chosen.

Observe the color, texture and shape of the item.

Enjoy the smell of the item. Notice if you begin to salivate.

How does the item feel in your fingers?

Begin eating. Feel the texture inside your mouth.

Close your eyes.

Slowly consume enjoying the feeling and flavor of your item.

Notice the feeling of the food in and on your tongue, between your teeth and as it goes down your throat.

How does it taste, what does it feel like in your mouth?

Now ask yourself: When I eat this, am I really enjoying it or am I preoccupied with other thoughts and feelings?

Be still. Slow down. Give undivided attention to your eating.

Stay in your body. How does your food feel in your mouth?

Be 100% in the experience of tasting.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Rediscovering Beginner Mind: Guide a discussion reflecting on the above Rediscovering Beginner Mind exercise.

Have mothers express how they felt as they mindfully practiced experiencing and exploring the nuances of their chosen item.

Were they able to fully notice and savor, discovering and fully experiencing all its qualities?

How did they respond to themselves if they found their minds wandering?

Were they able to discover their beginner mindset?

How does this relate to how their baby experiences the world?



Transition to this Week’s Focus In session one we discussed the important role of the mother in the creation of a positive holding environment which allows the baby to remain calm and support their ability to begin exploring their new environment and learning to Self-Regulate. The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery. Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.

Child Emotional Development We continue with the third pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum. In session two we discussed as baby has the ability to take in their new environment in a calm state they have the capacity to further their interest in the world. They learn how to Self-Regulate by using cues in their environment which set them up for life long emotional regulation. These important building blocks set the stage for the next evolutionary phase which is Falling in Love, Appreciating Relationships and eventually the evolution of Developing Intentional Communication in session five.

Falling In Love and Appreciating Relationships (2-7 Months): The importance of human relationships cannot be overstated especially for a new baby. Babies don’t want just any relationship, they want their caregivers; but primarily their mother. Between the ages of two and seven months, a child begins to make the distinction between their mother, father and other individuals. Babies begin to show their parents they are a special: their faces brighten when their mother or father enters their field of vision, they begin to smile and look at them in the eyes and they show excitement with body movement. The love all parents feel for their babies is a biological reaction. Even if parents are uneasy or nervous about parenthood, scientists have begun to discover that parents are biologically destined to love their babies. A mother’s body lays the foundation for a strong emotional bond as her brain begins producing more oxytocin prior to birth. Oxytocin is like a switch that turns on parental instincts. Among its many functions, oxytocin contributes to milk production and initiates labor contractions. After the miracle of the birthing process, a mother’s body is fully immersed in oxytocin which allows her to break through her exhaustion and pain to give her a feeling of euphoria and intense love as she holds her baby for the first time. Fathers and or partners are not immune. Studies have shown that men’s testosterone levels tend to drop after the birth of a new baby, and some even produce additional estrogen clearing the way for



additional oxytocin and dopamine production. This contributes to new fathers being tender and attentive. About 30 percent of mothers don't immediately fall in love with their babies. This is often because the birthing process was not what they expected or did not go as planned.

There isn't a magical "window of opportunity" for bonding. The bonding process can still take place even if a baby is born prematurely and has to spend days or weeks in an incubator. Disappointment, stress, or exhaustion can temporarily drown out the euphoric feelings of love and connection but the vast majority of parents grow attached to their babies within the first few months.

Adoptive parents also enjoy sensations that come with the flow of oxytocin and dopamine and ‘fall in love’, as the moment they meet their new child is incredibly powerful in its own right and allows for bonding to begin.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Helping Baby Fall in Love: Using the cues below, help guide a discussion that engages mothers to reflect on when they first fell in love with their babies.

Describe a time when you felt connected to your baby, or maybe the first time you felt you were “in love” with your baby.

How do you feel as part of being in love with your baby? How does your body feel?

What sorts of things do you do with your baby to show them you are in love?

What sorts of things does their baby do to show them they are engaged and ‘in love’?

Have your babies cues evolved?

Recognizing Baby’s Cues of Love:

Responding to mother’s smiles with a smile of their own,

Making sounds and movements,

Relaxing or displaying comfort when they are held or rocked,

Cooing when they are held, touched, looked at or spoken to,

Anticipation and excitement with the reappearance of mother’s face and voice,

Looking uneasy or sad with the removal of their face in the midst of play.

Holding, Engaging and Containing: Moments of harmony when mothers and baby are perfectly matched.

Matching and Latching: baby latches on to their mother: mouth to nipple, eye to eye, ears to mouth, hand to hand.

Special relationship: Mothers receives lovingly all of babies “products” including spits and poop.



Attachment and Attunement One of the most important gifts a parent can give a child is their presence, validation, and security. When we are present with our children it lays the path for attunement and resonance. Attunement is when a parent is aware and present to the child’s inner thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When a parent is attuned, it creates a state of resonance and the child feels heard and supported. When we feel understood as an adult, it produces a sense of safety and trust. This is especially true for a child. Daniel Siegel notes attunement and resonance build regulatory circuits in the brain that supports children’s ability to foster empathic relationships and be resilient in the future.

"When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate

with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of

“feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and

to develop well, and throughout our lives we need attunement to feel close and connected."

Dan Siegel

Secure attachment and attunement is based on the premise that children build strong emotional bonds with caregivers during childhood with lifelong impacts. Ainsworth was able to demonstrate “secure attachment” between infant and mother was of crucial importance to the child’s psychological development and that a certain type of mothering – warm, sensitive, responsive and dependable - was the key ingredient in bringing this about. Secure attachment was seen as a source of emotional health, giving a child the confidence that someone will be there for them and the capacity to form satisfying relationships with others. (BECOMING ATTACHED, p. 5) People often become confused with the concept of secure attachment and the movement of Attachment Parenting. Securely attached children feel protected by their caregivers, and although may show distress when a caregiver leaves, they know that they can depend on them to return. All children attach to their caregivers, but the theory behind Attachment Parenting is that children whose emotional needs have not been met can form insecure attachments. The concept of Attachment Parenting tends to promote specific “rules” for parenting, around sleeping, breastfeeding, how you ‘carry’ your child etc. Studies have shown that even if you do all right things as defined by the ‘rules’, if we are not attuned to our children, they can still develop insecure attachments.

Fostering Attachment and Attunement:

Teach the baby about love by being loving and showing pleasure in your interaction.

Set aside time when you are not distracted.

Look for times when it is appropriate to interact with your baby.

Hold or position your child so that you can see each other’s faces.

Newborns need to be about eight- to 12-inches from your face to see it clearly.



As infants grow maintain relatively close proximity.

The key to expanding a baby’s ability to be secure, calm, and regulated is to meet them at the level of their ability, and then guide them from that base of security.

Match facial expressions and tone when they begin their interactions.

Pace your movements and vocal patterns to match the tempo of their child’s actions.

Anytime a child becomes withdrawn or overexcited and irritable, return to what brought them calm and expand more slowly.

Assume whatever is engaging a child is bringing them some pleasure.

Following their lead does not limit in what to engage them. Entice them into an interaction.

Discover which patterns help babies recover after stress.

Employ patterns then stop to see if baby will use them on their own. (For example: Rattle a musical soft toy in front of your baby and see if it captures his attention. If they seem to enjoy it, encourage them to use it with your help at the beginning and then on their own when they seems somewhat unsettled for no apparent reason).

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Fostering Attachment/Attunement

What are some things the mothers do to attempt to connect with their babies?

Have they been surprised by what sorts of things interest their babies?

What sorts of things have they introduced them to?

Have they found their reactions to always be positive?

What did they do if their baby’s reactions weren’t positive?

Have they had an experience where they have had to pull back and start from their last known level of ability?

Self-Compassion Focus: Mindfulness Mindfulness is the ability to pause and notice one’s thoughts, feelings and sensations in the present moment without judgment. This can be developed by formal or informal practices. Any activity can be done mindfully. Taking time to pause and use your senses to fully observe and be present in the moment moves you to respond from a place of love and support. Pausing to notice thoughts, feelings and sensations without judgement takes practice. Our lives are busy and full. When we attempt to be present and clear our minds in our Listening MothersTM group, it is serves us best to do so with Self-Compassion in mind.

The reality is that in the hectic nature of our fast-paced world, we have many demands on our time and plenty of distractions, it is not easy to maintain mindful presence and pay careful attention.



Nearly everyone we know has a cell/smart phone. As most will agree, it seems to be nearly impossible to reject the temptation to pick it up and check time, email, send a quick text when it is within reach, rather than sit quietly with your own thoughts for 10 minutes and just notice. Human beings are goal setters; we need goals to feel a sense of purpose, a destination. Frustration and abandonment of the process of being present can set in as we find it difficult to remain undistracted. Suggested benefits of decreased stress, improved memory and happiness don’t seem to come as fast or in the fashion that was envisioned, and let’s face it, sometimes we may wish to be anywhere but the ‘present moment’. It is difficult for us to process that the practice of being present without judgement and enjoying a mindful moment IS the journey, it is the goal.

Why Practice Mindfulness? Science is continually demonstrating the benefits of practicing Mindfulness, creating life long and lasting impacts to our mental and physical health.

Increases our overall positive emotions while reducing negative emotions.

Increases density of gray matter in brain regions linked to learning, memory, emotional regulation, and empathy.

Provides the skills to tune out distractions and improve our memory and attention skills.

Fosters compassion for others and ourselves.

Enhances the closeness we feel with our partners as both partners tend to feel more optimistic and relaxed and accepting of one another.

Reduces pregnancy-related anxiety, stress, and depression in expectant parents.

Parents who practice Mindfulness report being happier with their parenting skills and connectedness with their children.

Children of parents who practice Mindfulness were found to have better social skills as they were able to label emotions and better process reactions to them.

Pause for Practice: C.O.A.L C.O.A.L (by Dr. Daniel Siegel, MD author of THE MINDFUL BRAIN). The process of C.O.A.L embodies the essence of Mindfulness. Some people are prone to react more intensely than others to emotionally stimulating circumstances. Consider the following acronym to guide a meditative practice to help participants approach calmly, mindfully and be presently aware of their emotional reactions.

Curiosity Approach with curiosity, unbound, free to explore like a child.

Openness Be open to whatever you experience. Notice yourself.

Acceptance Accept whatever you find. Just notice.

Love Approach yourself and your practice with love and kindness.

****Always remember to approach your baby with a C.O.A.L state of mind.



Pause for Practice – Sensing with Pleasure using C.O.A.L In session two we used Wait Watch and Wonder. Above we introduced the practice of C.O.A.L. They are similar in that they approach babies with kindness and curiosity. They are meant to suspend our logical mind to begin the process of focused discovery. Sensing with Pleasure provides an opportunity for mothers to practice being mindfully present without judgement. Mothers can choose Wait Watch and Wonder or C.O.A.L for this exercise, whichever resonates. The purpose of this exercise is to suspend our logical mind which will want to sort and compartmentalize observations and focus only on the use of our senses; sight, touch, smell and sound to just be; without judgement as mothers interact with their babies. Invite mothers to use sight as their sense of choice for this initial focus as you lead them through the following short 3-4 minute practice, but encourage mothers to continue using their other senses for additional practice via this week’s REFLECTIONS.

Before you begin, close your eyes and notice how your body feels.

Start by simply putting your hand on your heart and feel the warmth of your hand.

Take few deep breaths in and out and clear your mind of the day’s activities and things left undone.

Notice how your body feels.

Orient yourself toward your baby.

Ask your baby permission to gaze upon them, even if they are sleeping.

If they are not in a place to accept your gaze, ask to hold them in the capacity they need.

Gaze onto your baby, what do you see?

Use your eyes to look at their fingers, toes.

Look at their skin.

Go feature by feature and really see with presence.

What features do you delight in most and why?

Notice as many pleasurable feelings, sensations and thoughts relating to your visual interaction with your baby as possible.

Take a few deep breaths in and out and return to center.

How does your body feel?

How does your mind feel?



Heart Centered Dialogue – Sensing with Pleasure: Help guide a discussion that helps mothers process the feelings and sensations experienced during the practice.

Were they able to shut out all the noise and be present with their baby visually noticing?

How did the interaction with their baby feel?

Did they find their mind wandering? How did they bring themselves back to the present moment, or did they?

If their baby did not appear to be receptive what did they do?

Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised them?

How did their bodies feel at each of the check points in the practice? Did they notice a difference?

Next Week’s Focus Next week, we will be exploring the necessary role of a ‘good enough mother’. Begin to identify some of the events that trigger mothers to unconsciously take the ‘low road’ vs a ‘high road’ of situational processing and the importance of repair. We will also discuss Common Humanity and its importance to our practice of Self-Compassion.

Deepening Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session three REFLECTION exercise and read the following article to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection

Reflections for Session Three: Practice being mindfully present with Sensing with Pleasure exercise using the remaining senses.

Are they able to be present without distractions and if not, how did they go forward?

Reflect on feelings, sensations and thoughts.

Notice how their body feels with each of the check-ins.

Readings for Session Four: How We Keep It Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road and the Low Road By: Dan Siegel From: Parenting From the Inside Out A Violinist in the Metro Plan to read aloud to their partner – OR preferred, include the link below in the summary email from this session and ask they watch the video with their partner. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnOPu0_YWhw The Science of Mindfulness By Dan Siegel www.Mindful.org, Sept 2010 http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnOPu0_YWhw

http://www.mindful.org/




Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle With participants have them touch their string and recite a word that resonates with them that will carry them through the week as a result of this week’s class. An additional option: A complementary activity is to write down each of the words identified each week and compile and send them to the mothers at the very end of the group. It crafts a living poem over the course of the eight week series.

End of Session Summary Between your sessions, bridge the gap between the days before your next group by emailing a summary of what was covered in the prior session, a gentle reminder to practice their mindful pauses, as well as attempt to deepen their awareness by taking an opportunity to fill in the Reflection exercises and read the attached articles. This summary also provides an invitation for a mother that might be struggling to contact you directly, assess their state and refer them out if necessary.

Plan to email the link to the Violinist in the Metro.



S3: Reflections: We live in a fast paced world with many demands and plenty of distractions. It is not easy to maintain a mindful presence and pay careful attention. Using our sense of sight we practiced being mindfully present Sensing with Pleasure. Take a few moments to complete the exercise using COAL or Wait Watch and Wonder and practice mindfully hearing, smelling and touching your baby over the course of the next week.

Before you begin, close your eyes and notice how your body feels.

Start by simply putting your hand on your heart and feel the warmth of your hand.

Take few deep breaths in and out and clear your mind of the day’s activities and things left undone.

Notice how your body feels.

Orient yourself toward your baby.

Ask your baby permission to listen, smell, and touch them, even if they are sleeping.

If they are not in a place to accept your request, ask to hold them in the capacity they need.

Listen, smell or touch your baby, what do you notice?

Listen, smell or touch feature by feature and explore with presence.

Notice as many pleasurable feelings, sensations and thoughts relating to your visual interaction with your baby as possible.

Take a few deep breaths in and out and return to center.


Did you find your mind wandering? How did you bring yourself back to the present moment, or did you? If your baby did not appear to be receptive what did you do? Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised you as you practiced each of the senses? How did your body feel at each of the check points in the practice? Did you notice a difference? Informal Practice: Practice C.O.A.L with your baby this week. Approach with Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love.



Session Four Facilitation Outline Activity

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Session Four Goals

Recognize ‘low road’ emotions and their triggers.

Discuss skills to manage 'low road' emotions.

Introduce the mindful practice of S.T.O.P. and the practice of 4-5-6 Compassion Pause introducing touch.

Introduce the Self-Compassion focus of Common Humanity.

Discuss the concept and importance of ‘good enough’ mothering vs. the ‘perfect mother’.

Understand the process and importance of ‘repair’.

Appreciate mothers’ needs.

To review and revise intentions/expectations set in the initial group meeting if desired.

Arrival and Welcome

Pause for Practice - Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing


Group Reading: Quote – Cassandra Vieten

In a way, Mindfulness is like learning to surf. By riding the wave of experience, rather than fighting them, you get a lot less battered about. You still experience each of them to be sure, the big wave still feels like a big wave, and a small one feels like a small one, but learning how to let go and ride the waves, helps keep you from being caught up in the riptides of agitation, obsessive worrying, rage or avoidance, that can come from wrestling with these waves.”

5 min



Check-In

Review and Reflect

Session Three Reflections

Were they able to calm their minds and be present with their babies?

Did they find their mind wandering, did it get easier to stay present with each sense practiced? How did they bring themselves back to the present moment, or did they?

If their baby did not appear to be receptive what did they do? Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised them with each of the senses?

How did their bodies and mind feel at each of the check points in the practice?

Did they notice a difference as they progressed through the exercise?

Readings for Session Four

How We Keep It Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road and the Low Road By: Dan Siegel From: Parenting from the Inside Out Chapter 7 Book Passage Hard Wired for Empathy By Christopher Germer, PhD, from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Press. 2009. A Violinist in the Metro The Science of Mindfulness By Dan Siegel Sept 2010 http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/

15 min

Pause for Practice – Safe Place

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Safe Place

Who would like to share their safe place?

Was this a familiar place from their childhood or was this a place they created in your mind?

What about this place makes it safe for them?

Were they able to use all of their senses in this exercise?

Which sense did they find was most prominent in their mind?

15 min




Transition to this Week’s Focus

The High and the Low Road and the Brain

Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand Model

The High Road

The Low Road

Recognizing Low Road Emotions

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Recognizing ‘Low Road’ Emotions & Triggers

Reflection Questions:

“Why did I do what I did?

“Why did I think my behavior would lead to a positive change in my child or any person?”

Empathize with the moms and verbalize understanding that it is much more difficult to share experiences when “one is not in love with their baby” or a mother doesn’t feel like they have it together. The expectation is that babies are always cute and mothers are always loving. But is this is not so.

Ask mothers to identify a situation so they can ‘label’ their emotions:

Love - thinking about their significant other

Joy - seeing children playing

Sadness – loss of love one

Fear - past trauma

Anger - feeling betrayed

Interest - starting a new project

Guilt - hurting someone's feelings

Ask mothers if anyone would like to share a ‘low road’ moment where they might have lost control and felt regretful since they have become mothers.

Can they identify a particular way they react to their baby when they are distressed (concave, flat, convex)?

What was the stimulus, types of feelings, sensations and thoughts that lead them down the ‘low road’ path?

Is it the same stimulus or is it a collection of things?

How quickly do they go down the ‘low road’?

How long do they stay?

25 min

Pause for Practice – S.T.O.P

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch

5 min



Self-Compassion Focus: Common Humanity

The Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother

What does a ‘prefect mother’ look like to the mothers?

Do they feel pressure to be a ‘perfect mother?

What sorts of pressures are they putting on themselves to be a ‘perfect mother’?

Have the mothers take a moment to think about what thoughts and feelings the concept of a ‘perfect mother’ and a ‘good enough mother’ have evoked in them.

How do they feel about how the ‘good enough mother’ creates the space for resiliency and development?

What are the barriers to being the mother you want to be?

Who is putting them there?

What can they do to remove those barriers?

Are they being kind to or self-critical of themselves?

How does it feel to be a container for their babies?

What are some of their fears?

Some common fears of new mothers:

o Fear of being overwhelmed by baby’s projected feelings of helplessness, disorganization, timelessness and dependency.

o Fear of closeness

o Fear of rejection (will the baby love me? [Stern])

o Envy of the baby (his care free and cared for state)

o Fear of intimacy

o Fear of hurting the baby

How does the concept of Common Humanity resonate?

How mothers might be neglecting their own needs?

What are some things they could do to get the support and emotional connections they need?

o Let go of self-imposed deadlines and pressures.

Practicing Repair

Heart Centered Dialogue – Repair

If they have found themselves crossing the threshold and descending to the ‘low road’, how do they approach ‘repair’?

20 min



How long does it take for them to return to a ‘high road’?

How quickly can they stabilize yourself and then do they stay??

o Don't want to return to the ‘low road’ quickly.

Have they had an incident where they have descended down the ‘low road’ with their babies?

How do they 'repair' the impacts of their time on that path, how do they recover?

Group Activity – Revisiting Intention

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Intention

Ask class participants whether they have changed their intention based on some of the mindful practices they have learned thus far and or if they would like to share their perspectives.

If they have, they can take a moment to write a new intention, or commit in their mind.

5 min



Next Week’s Focus

Next week’s focus begins to explore mother’s own family dynamic and identify compassionate loving figures. We will explore feelings of security, patterns of communication and begin to understand how their internal working model influences patterns of behavior in their own family. We will also discuss our natural negatively bias and discuss two way communication and impacts on baby.


Reflections for Session Four

Quick summary as to questions for session four REFLECTIONS:

Mothers will be looking to identify their triggers and their paths to the ‘low road’.

They’ll be asked to reflect on how they got there, how long they stay and what they do to recover what do they do to ‘repair’?

What resonated with you about the concept of being a ‘good enough mother’?

How might they be better supporting their own needs?

Can they identify an interaction with their baby that takes them down the ‘low road’?

Practice using S.T.O.P. introducing touch.

Readings for Session Five

Angels in the Nursery - 3 pages for participants Rest of the article for facilitators Excerpt from: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships and Neural Integration By: Daniel J. Siegel *** this article is to facilitators ONLY as interesting reading – not for class participants. Embracing our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/

10 min

Group Reading: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

See outline for poem.



http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/




Session Four Course Material

Session Four Framework

Goals:

Recognize ‘low road’ emotions and their triggers.

Discuss skills to manage 'low road' emotions.

Introduce the mindful practice of S.T.O.P. and the practice of 4-5-6 Compassion Pause introducing touch.

Introduce the Self-Compassion focus of Common Humanity.

Discuss the concept and importance of ‘good enough’ mothering vs. the ‘perfect mother’.

Understand the process and importance of ‘repair’.

Appreciate mothers’ needs.

To review and revise intentions/expectations set in the initial group meeting if desired.

Theoretical Background: Books used:

1. THE MYTH OF THE BAD MOTHER, Swigart , Jane 2. BUILDING HEALTHY MINDS, Greenspan, S. 3. FIRST FEELINGS, Greenspan. S. 4. BECOMING ATTACHED, Karen, R. 5. RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILD, Gottman, J. 6. MINDSIGHT, Siegel, Daniel

Articles:

1. MELTZOFF, BORN TO LEARN: WHAT INFANTS LEARN FROM WATCHING US, IN THE PEDIATRIC

ROUND TABLE, Edited by Fox Leavitt and Warhol

Session Prep

Plan to bring group intentions written by moms at the first session and additional envelopes for them to reseal if they would like.

Bring pens/pencils for mother’s to use when adjusting their intentions.

String/scissors if need to replace a string.

Print session four REFLECTIONS handout.



Arrival & Welcome




Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing Allow participants to get settled. Invite them to bring their hand to their heart. Breathe in in out several times slowly. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath in, hold for four and say to yourself “I have arrived,” Hold your breath for a count of five. Exhale for a count of six and say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat two to three times.

Quote: Cassandra Vieten From Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten

“In a way, Mindfulness is like learning to surf. By riding the wave of experience, rather than fighting them, you get a lot less battered about. You still experience each of them to be sure, the big wave still feels like a big wave, and a small one feels like a small one, but learning how to let go and ride the waves, helps keep you from being caught up in the riptides of agitation, obsessive worrying, rage or avoidance, that can come from wrestling with these waves.”

Check-In Check-ins are an opportunity to bring mothers’ voices in and be witnessed in their mothering journey. Questions:



Facilitator Note: As a facilitator you may choose to briefly share a highlight from your week as a parent, demonstrating Common Humanity. Track the sharing during check-ins as the ‘pearls’ shared can inform the course material and what you may emphasize.



Review and Reflect Transition from the check-in to last week’s REFLECTION. After an opportunity to discuss last week’s lesson material and reflections, ask if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts

Session Three Reflections:

Were they able to calm their minds and be present with their babies?

Did they find their mind wandering, did it get easier to stay present with each sense practiced? How did they bring themselves back to the present moment, or did they?

If their baby did not appear to be receptive what did they do? Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised them with each of the senses?

How did their bodies and mind feel at each of the check points in the practice?

Did they notice a difference as they progressed through the exercise?

Readings for Session Four: How We Keep It Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road and the Low Road By: Dan Siegel From: Parenting from the Inside Out Chapter 7 Book Passage Hard Wired for Empathy By Christopher Germer, PhD, from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Press. 2009. A Violinist in the Metro The Science of Mindfulness By Dan Siegel Sept 2010 http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/




Pause for Practice – Safe Place The purpose of this exercise is to envision a place of safety and comfort. A place that enables mothers to feel or return to calm.

I invite you to close your eyes. Begin by taking a deep, slow and gentle breath through your nostrils all the way to the bottom of your belly. When you have inhaled fully, release your breath slowly through your mouth, and imagine that by doing so, you also let go of all tension in your body. Repeat 3 or 4 times. Now, restore the natural rhythm of the breath, breathing in and out through your nose. Now we are going to imagine a ‘safe place’. A place that is your own refuge. Nobody will disturb you there and you will always be protected and feel at ease. What does this place look like? Is it a meadow, with beautiful spring flowers scattered all over the grass? Is it a beautiful beach where you can feel the warmth of the soft sand under toes as you feel the cool ocean breeze, smell the ocean and hear the gentle, rhythmic breaking of the waves? Is it curled up in comfortable chair with a soft blanket by a fire in a dim lit room? Take few minutes to imagine your own safe place, hear familiar and soothing voices, and smell those distinguishable and comforting aromas. Imagine this safe place, always welcomes you and wants you to be there, offering safety, comfort and rest. As you continue to breathe gently, focus on feeling connected, feeling content, and feeling safe. Continue your breath in and out softly. When ready, open your eyes and look gently around you.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Safe Place: Guide a heart-centered dialogue that shares the journey to their safe place.

Who would like to share their safe place?

Was this a familiar place from their childhood or was this a place they created in your mind?

What about this place makes it safe for them?

Were they able to use all of their senses in this exercise?

Which sense did they find was most prominent in their mind?



Informal Mindful Practice: Throughout the week hand over heart and find your safe place – feel the gratitude of having a safe place, focus on using all of their senses when they go to their ‘safe place’. Have them use a calming phrase like “I have done my best, now let go of the rest” as in the 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause if they are called to do so.

Transition to this Week’s Focus Last week we discussed falling in love with our babies, their subtle cues that tell us they love us too. We also talked about rediscovering our beginner mind and appreciating the path our new babies are taking as they explore the world. We talked about the importance of being attuned as well as attached and focused on the use of our senses to be mindfully present. What happens when things don’t go as planned? When mothers have a difficult transition or when they find themselves falling out of love with their babies or feeling as though they are not measuring up to an unrealistic ideal? The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery. Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.

The High and the Low Road and the Brain Emotions are a natural and necessary part of life. They signal how we feel so we can take the appropriate action to deal with a particular situation. Emotions aren’t positive or negative but can be constructive or destructive depending on how they are applied. They can take over how we act, what we say or what we do. Emotions are categorized into two roads; the ‘high road’ and the ‘low road’. Both roads are part of the map we use to communicate with ourselves, each other and help us navigate through the world.

Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand Model The depiction of a brain in the form of a hand as done by Dr. Dan Siegel, visually demonstrates the general make up of our brains. When our emotions get the best of us and we are not able to continue on the ‘high road’, our hand opens and our emotions are temporarily ‘high jacked’ until we are able to slowly, calmly, and deliberately return to center such as depicted with a closed fist. See the enclosed visual. The wrist represents the spinal cord upon which the brain sits. Opening the hand and exposing the palm represents the inner brainstem. Making a fist and encapsulating the thumb represents the location of the limbic area; the curled fingers back into the palm represent the cortex.



Brainstem: The brainstem sends and receives input from the body and regulates basic processes such as the functioning of our heart and lungs, circulation, etc. The brainstem is a fundamental part our “motivational systems”. This systems helps us satisfy our basic need for food, shelter, reproduction, and safety by controlling our states of arousal such as sleep, thirst, hunger, sexual desire and consciousness. Limbic Regions: The limbic area lies deep within the brain but in the ‘fist model’ is represented by the thumb. The Limbic system works closely with the brainstem to create not only our basic drives but also our emotions. These emotions motivate us to act and help assign meaning to what is happening in a particular moment. The limbic area is instrumental in creating the emotional attachments we form with one another. The Cortex: When the fist is closed the upper knuckles represent the cortex. The cortex allows us to think about ‘thinking’ which allows us to imagine, create and reanalyze facts and experiences. The constant and adaptive functions of the back of the cortex assist us by embedding experiences in our memories so we can do things like ride a bike, park a car in a tight space or use a scalpel with precision. Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex, which is identified where the fingers touch the palm, contributes to our understanding of concepts such as time, a sense of self, and moral judgments. It is here we evolve the ability to have empathy and insight into others.



The High Road: The ‘high road’ involves higher rational and reflective processing. It allows for Mindfulness, flexibility, self-awareness and helps us find and react using the best option. Functioning on the ‘high road’ produces constructive emotions which aids us in improving our situation. ‘High road’ functioning is represented with a closed, compact fist; parts are neatly tucked away and in harmony.

The Low Road: The ‘low-road’ is the primitive part of the brain that involves shutting down higher processing, and governs when we feel sad, mad, or fearful. These emotions tend to be destructive, create states of intense emotion, impulsive reaction and challenge our parenting ability. The ‘low road’ can be helpful when it’s necessary to act quickly for our safety and react using our ‘fight or flight’ instinct, but not in a perpetual place interacting with our children. By opening your fist and spreading fingers, you can visually see our brain descending into ‘low road’ functioning; ‘flipping our lid’. Changing how we descend to the ‘low road’ in our lives may require becoming familiar with past experiences. Understanding our triggers to the ‘low road’ is an important part of reducing access to that path and engaging the second pillar of the curriculum which is Welf-Regulation. There are three general types of responses that occur when a mother processes distress:

Concave: A mother absorbs her baby’s distress, thinks about it, metabolizes it, and is able to reflect it back to the baby in manageable ways.

Flat: Mother is preoccupied or depressed and is deflecting baby’s stress. Baby gets no response.

Convexed: The mother is too overwhelmed. She has no internal space and is unable to absorb the baby’s feelings of distress; therefore, she “bounces” it back to the baby without thinking and metabolizes the feelings. In this case, the baby has to not only reabsorb his own distress, but his mother’s as well.

Recognizing Low Road Emotions: Know your emotional triggers - learn to recognize things that trigger intense emotional states:

Love - thinking about your significant other



Fear - past trauma




Developing an awareness of body temperature, heart rate, breathing patterns as they start the descent down the ‘low road’ will help maintain the ‘higher road’. As mothers get to know their babies, their identification with her baby leads to the knowledge of her infant from a deep, pre-verbal place within her. This same identification can bring her in close contact with her own previously buried infantile feelings.



Jane Swigart: “There is a strong tendency in all caregivers to become or behave like the children they care for.” (pp27) When traumatic events are not resolved, they can impact our daily lives. Reflection is often not considered when we are on or heading down the ‘low road’, so it is important to focus on deepening our self-understanding and recovery skills. As events and feelings are identified and resolved, our ability to reflect as we transition to the ‘low road’ becomes easier to identify. At first, a quick thoughtful assessment at the end the day or sometime after an occasion can reap many benefits by simply asking:

“Why did I do what I did?

“Why did I think my behavior would lead to a positive change in my child or any person?”

Eventually and with practice we can S.T.O.P (discussed later in this session) and manage our descent to the ‘low road’.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Recognizing ‘Low Road’ Emotions & Triggers Empathize with the moms and verbalize an understanding that it is much more difficult to share experiences when “one is not in love with their baby” or a mother doesn’t feel like they have it together. The expectation is that babies are always cute and mothers are always loving. But is this is not so.

Ask mothers to identify a situation so they can ‘label’ their emotions:

Love - thinking about their significant other



Fear - past trauma




Ask mothers if anyone would like to share a ‘low road’ moment where they might have lost control and felt regretful since they have become mothers.

Can they identify a particular way they react to their baby when they are distressed (concave, flat, convex)?

What was the stimulus, types of feelings, sensations and thoughts that lead them down the ‘low road’ path?

Is it the same stimulus or is it a collection of things?

How quickly do they go down the ‘low road’?

How long do they stay?



Understanding the Low Road: They key to understanding the ‘low road’ is to create awareness of those elements that trigger sudden, extreme and destructive emotion. Some respond consistently to the same triggers. Others are inconsistence as they store their triggers in a place that becomes full and can overflow. These triggers are more difficult to identify as something simple and unrelated can be the trigger that overflows the well.

Managing Emotions: Use mindful practice: When the limbic system is activated the stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, are released. Before we engage our “thinking” brain, we need to reduce these bodily responses. Focusing on a calm and steady breath is the portal to begin moving to a higher road. 4-5-6 Compassion Pause with a soothing phrase and soft, warm touch to the heart is a perfect start.

Become emotionally literate: Labeling our emotions enables us to have greater flexibility in shifting our emotional states. Science has shown naming an emotion happening in concert with an experience actually calms the brain allowing us to respond more effectively and increasing our emotional intelligence.

Work through emotions: We need to recognize when we are emotionally triggered and take steps to deactivate our reactive states in order to get to a place to address any perceived threat. Being conscious about our past experiences and patterns for triggers help to unravel what’s emotionally wedged. Understanding our current emotional reaction is often dependent on identifying past patterns. We will begin this work in session five when we begin to identify role models and compassionate figures. Temptations to descend into the ‘low road’ can arise quickly and suddenly. Continued ‘low road’ behavior without adequate repair of ‘low road’ emotional trauma in adults can produce a vulnerability to ‘low road’ behavior in children. Facilitator Note: There is a difference between ‘low road’ processing and postpartum depression. Please see Indications of Postpartum Depression in Additional Reference Documents.



Pause for Practice: S.T.O.P Creating space to come down from the anxious mind and back into the present moment has been shown to be enormously beneficial. When we are present we have a firmer grasp of all our options and resources and can choose to take the ‘high road’. When mothers find thoughts, feelings and body sensations racing with stress, remember the acronym S.T.O.P.

S S - Stop what you are doing.

T T - Take a deep cleansing breath. Allow your breath to return normally and naturally and follow your breath coming in and out of your nose. You can even say to yourself “in” as you’re breathing in and “out” while breathing out if that helps with concentration. You may even practice 4-5-6 Breathing.

O O - Observe thoughts, feelings, sensations and emotions. Reflect on what consumes your thoughts. Understand thoughts are not facts and they are not permanent. Then notice your body; aches, tension, anxiety, racing heart etc.

Ask: “What am I sensing?” “What am I feeling?” “What am I thinking?” What is your most vivid in your awareness? If self-criticism emerges, notice the thought but continue on. Notice and name any emotions that surface. Just naming emotions can have a calming effect.

P P - Proceed with awareness, love and Self-Kindness. Put your hand on your heart and repeat a supportive phrase.



Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch Guide mothers through the use of the practice of S.T.O.P and 4-5-6 Compassion Pause for logically recognizing and evaluating their feelings, sensations and thoughts, it is important for them to also focus on bringing their body back into balance by breathing and self-soothing. In this practice we introduce the powerful element and focus on touch with deep breathing.

Embrace the calming power of touch. Find a place on your body to touch; hand on your heart, on your belly, face or arm. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four repeating to yourself “I have done my best”. Hold your breath for a count of five. (Observe feelings, sensations and feelings) Breathe out for a count of six repeating to yourself “Now, let go of the rest”. (Proceed with awareness).

Repeat two to three times.

Facilitator Note: The important part of this exercise is that the exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation and they begin to feel the soft soothing component of a warm hand to the heart.

Self-Compassion Focus: Common Humanity As we have discussed, Self-Compassion includes Self-Kindness, Mindfulness and a third component that recognizes that we are part of something much bigger than ourselves called Common Humanity.

Common Humanity: As human beings we are both bound and separated by external factors: cultural, genetic as well as environmental or family of origin. However, we share similar vulnerabilities, experience loss, encounter frustration, make mistakes, endure disappointment and feel inadequate. When we're in touch with our Common Humanity, we are open and accepting of the reality that we are all in the same boat, and the more compassion we will feel toward ourselves and others.

Belonging to a group or community provides us a sense of uniqueness, but it also helps us appreciate who we are, providing perspective that we are part of something larger than ourselves. Research has shown that people are happier and healthier when they are with other people they care for, than when they are alone.

In session two we touched on the point that in this early stage, mothers are instinctively more driven by the ‘survival’ system and the constant state of stress can throw their nervous system out of balance. Self-criticism surfaces as part of our need to belong and be part of a community. We often mistake the process of being critical as a way to motivate ourselves. Self-criticism is a healthy instinct, but if it is activated without the elements of Self-Compassion, it creates stress as we constantly compare ourselves to others negatively. We feel we don’t measure up or do not accept who we are. The concept of Common Humanity acknowledges that countless numbers of parents in cultures all over the world feel similar feelings of ‘not being good enough’ during this time of discovery and they too try to do the best they can.



Through the cultivation of Self-Compassion, we enhance self-awareness, diminishing the grasp of self-criticism on our psyche and find opportunities to fill our souls with kindness and gratitude and celebrate overall well-being. Mindfulness teaches us not to judge, to accept and to be. Incorporating mindful practices where we S.T.O.P and take notice without judgement and the practice of Self-Kindness using 4-5-6 Compassion Pause introducing touch, contribute to creating an environment that leads to the ‘higher road’ of processing; and an opportunity to be present and attuned with our babies focusing meeting their needs.

The Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother As our society becomes more child-centered we feel an incredible amount of pressure to do everything right. There is a sense that life is competitive, expensive, and incredibly difficult and we have to give our kids every advantage to succeed. More experts are weighing in and we are ‘buying it’. It's not just external forces putting pressure on mothers, though, unfortunately, we also judge each other. In this confusing time, it is important to remember as we discussed in session one that ‘’A Book is No Substitute’. No one knows your child better than you do.

Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott developed the phrase ‘good enough mother’.

“A mother is neither good nor bad nor the product of illusion, but is a separate and

independent entity: The good-enough mother starts off with an almost complete adaptation

to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually,

according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every

need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.” ~ D.W. Winnicott

Winnicott’s representation of the ‘good enough mother’ demonstrates that mothers are three-dimensional beings. Winnicott’s depiction of the ‘good enough mother’ shows a person under pressure and strain, selfless and self-interested, dedicated to their child yet prone to resentment of their role. The ‘good enough mother’ is real. The failures Winnicott refers to are not things mothers do that specifically damage their children, but rather as a child grows and develops, accepting the reality that Mom cannot "fix" everything or make it all better. No parent can ever meet every need of a child from the child's point of view. The ‘good enough mother’ is capable of giving what the baby needs MOST of the time, but we all have our moments, our stresses, our breaking points as we all are human (and our babies, too). Part of being human is to make mistakes, but being aware and able to self-reflect also enables mothers to mend the mistakes by creating space for a renewed connection using Self-Compassion. When a mother is capable of forgiving herself for her mistake without withdrawing from her baby (otherwise allowing self-criticism and destruction to prevail), the baby, too, will learn to eventually integrate good and bad and see the silver lining in any cloud. Every mother’s ‘good enough’ is going to be vastly different. Embrace the concept of ‘good enough.’



Motherhood is wonderful and challenging and we do well to respect its complexity. Children learn through experiences. They need to learn to deal with disappointment and frustration, respect others, and do things for themselves. The supportive holding environment that mothers create is essential to that process. The environment must hold the child to create a safe place to explore and fail, for it is through experience that we learn life’s greatest lesson.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother: In session one we touched on our transition to motherhood and attempted to evaluate whether or not it was in line with our expectations. Acting as a container to absorb their baby’s feelings and give those feelings meaning can take a toll on mothers. As we begin to touch on as our fourth pillar in session five, relationships create space for emotional exploration and a container of safety so that we can all explore and learn. When babies feel safe and supported, they don’t have to spend effort on survival tasks that take focus away from learning like processing uncomfortable stimuli. When mothers feel safe and supported, stress and self-criticism are minimized and mothers are drawn to maintaining the positive holding environment that supports their baby’s exploration. It can be emotionally exhausting to be a container for babies; mothers need support. Mothers themselves need support so they can continue to handle their baby in favorable ways. New mothers tend to be alone with their babies sometimes without much support and further tend to ignore or sacrifice their own needs. Mothers need to be heard, cared for and understood. Most children cannot be helped if the mother isn’t helped and supported. (MYTH OF THE PERFECT MOTHER; Jane Swigart). Using the questions below guide a dialogue to help mothers discuss their feelings and thoughts around being a ‘good enough mother’, a container for their babies and how the concept of Common Humanity resonates with them.

What does a ‘prefect mother’ look like to the mothers?

Do they feel pressure to be a ‘perfect mother?

What sorts of pressures are they putting on themselves to be a ‘perfect mother’?

Have the mothers take a moment to think about what thoughts and feelings the concept of a ‘perfect mother’ and a ‘good enough mother’ have evoked in them.

How do they feel about how the ‘good enough mother’ creates the space for development?

What are the barriers to being the mother you want to be?

Who is putting them there?

What can they do to remove those barriers?

Are they being kind to or self-critical of themselves?

How does it feel to be a container for their babies?

What are some of their fears?

Some common fears of new mothers:

Fear of being overwhelmed by baby’s projected feelings of helplessness, disorganization, timelessness and dependency.

Fear of closeness

Fear of rejection (will the baby love me? [Stern])

Envy of the baby (his care free and cared for state)



Fear of intimacy

Fear of hurting the baby

How does the concept of Common Humanity resonate?

How mothers might be neglecting their own needs?

What are some things they could do to get the support and emotional connections they need?

Let go of self-imposed deadlines and pressures.

Penelope Leach: “Above all, if new mothers are to pour out nurturance and care on their

infant, they need nurturance and care poured into themselves.”

Practicing Repair – The mother-baby dyad is a symbiotic relationship. It takes a ‘real’ and imperfect mother to raise a child. As we practice being a ‘good enough’ mother, there will be times when mothers are out of sync, or in emotional dysregulation with their babies. ‘Rupture’ and ‘repair’ are crucial parts of secure attachment. When mis-attunement or ‘rupture’ occurs in our close relationships, it can temporarily damage secure attachment and injure our close relationships until we honestly, tenderly and intentionally repair. It isn’t the mistakes we make when we are in mis-attunement, but how we repair the mistakes that have an impact on our connectedness. As babies are learning Self-Regulation, short periods of ‘rupture’ followed by ‘repair’ have the effect of teaching resilience which studies have shown to be the underpinnings of empathy. This is vital to understanding brain development and to creating realistic parenting expectations. John Gottman’s research states that we will have 80 percent more sustainability in long-term intimate relationships when we practice repair.

Because the brain is constantly evolving and amending, ‘repair’ is always possible. If a mother notices she has misinterpreted her child’s cues, she should take a moment to S.T.O.P and attempt to ‘repair’ by assessing her child’s needs. The effort involved in ‘repair’ is appreciated on a conscious and subconscious level, it deepens trust, increases resiliency, and builds stronger, healthier and more open relationships. The process of attachment takes place over many months and even years before speech and thought develop. The key to ‘repairing’ after mis-attunement or ‘rupture’ is to be available when the child/infant is ready to reconnect, or initiate ‘repair’ when we have done something to hurt, disrespect, or shame a child. ‘Repair’ takes place as nonverbal messages that are emotional and physical in nature:

Eye contact and facial expressions.

Mothers tone of voice and rhythm and rate.

Body posture or gestures; slow calm, comforting.

Timing of initiation.



As we discussed ‘goodness of fit’ in session two, it will be up to the adult to follow the nonverbal cues of their child to find the method of soothing that fits their child. Listening MothersTM curriculum encourages creating secure attachments through the use of mindful techniques that focus on being present to understand and then attempt to meet their child’s needs. It is through inadequacies and the thoughtful and loving ‘repair’ of those deficiencies that a child’s holding environment expands to support them. Mindful Self-Compassion provides the space for mothers to make those mistakes, emphasize ‘repair’ and begin to appreciate her needs are important too. Take an opportunity to explore the Resource Room accessible via the curriculum link in order to see additional articles on this topic to forward to mothers that are interested.

Heart Centered Dialogue – Repair: We discussed the fact that it takes a ‘real’ mother to raise a child and that mistakes provide an opportunity to teach resilience. Earlier we identified triggers that derail our ‘high road’ functioning.

If they have found themselves crossing the threshold and descending to the ‘low road’, what sorts of feelings, sensations and thoughts do they have as they approach ‘repair’?

How long does it take for them to return to a ‘high road’?

How quickly can they stabilize yourself and then do they stay??

Don't want to return to the ‘low road’ quickly.

Have they had a situation where they have taken a low road with their baby?

How do they 'repair' the impacts of their time on that path, how do they recover?

Group Activity – Revisiting Intention There are several different ways this exercise can be facilitated depending on the level of connection in your group. The important part of this activity is the realization that we do share a Common Humanity in our important role of Motherhood; many mothers often feel this transition is an independent journey. Mother’s intentions should have been sealed and labeled in session one. There are a couple different ways in which to facilitate this exercise amount of time left in the session may impact your decision: You can:

Pass out the intentions and have mothers read their own intentions privately, make a mental note of any changes and or write a new one and reseal.

As part of our Common Humanity, have mothers stand in a circle and have them take turns reading their own intentions, comment on changes and either make a mental note of the change and or rewrite and reseal.

As part of our Common Humanity, have mothers plan to take turns reading each other’s intentions aloud and talk opening about changes since the group started. Include a ‘touching’ piece where all participants join hands and or put their hands on each other’s shoulders to enforce the connection and community.



Heart-Centered Dialogue – Intention:

Ask class participants whether they have changed their intention based on some of the mindful practices they have learned thus far and or if they would like to share their perspectives.

If they have, they can take a moment to write a new intention, or commit in their mind.

Next Week’s Focus Next week’s focus begins to explore mother’s own family dynamic and identify compassionate loving figures. We will explore feelings of security, patterns of communication and begin to understand how their internal working model influences patterns of behavior in their own family. We will also discuss our natural negatively bias and discuss the importance of two way communication and impacts on baby.

Deepen Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session four REFLECTION exercise and read the following article to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection

Reflections for Session Four: Quick summary as to questions for session four REFLECTIONS:

Mothers will be looking to identify their triggers and their paths to the ‘low road’.

They’ll be asked to reflect on how they got there, how long they stay and what they do to recover, how do they repair?

Can they identify an interaction with their baby that takes them down the’ low road’?

What resonated with them about the concept of being a ‘good enough mother’?

How might they be better supporting their own needs?

Practice using S.T.O.P. introducing touch.

Readings for Session Five: Angels in the Nursery - 3 pages for participants Rest of the article for facilitators Excerpt from: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships and Neural Integration By: Daniel J. Siegel *** this article is to facilitators ONLY as interesting reading – not for class participants. Embracing our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/




Group Reading: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters Read with a light-ness of heart for the Common Humanity of our shared experience and the evolution of self-discovery.

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.


I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III



I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV



I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson




End of Session Summary: Between your sessions, bridge the gap between the days before your next group by emailing a summary of what was covered in the prior session, a gentle reminder to practice their mindful pauses, as well as attempt to deepen their awareness by taking an opportunity to fill in the Reflection exercises and read the attached articles. This summary also provides an invitation for a mom that might be struggling to contact you directly, assess their state and refer them out if necessary.



S4: Reflections: We discussed the importance of maintaining balance between the wings of our nervous systems and were introduced to the concept of Common Humanity which presents Motherhood as a shared journey which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism if we have not activated Self-Compassion. Critical thoughts tend to be destructive and can trigger a path to ‘lower mode’ processing. Can you identify one or two triggers that lead you to react in a ‘lower mode’?

1. ______________________________________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________________________________ Reflect on a specific incident when you entered the ‘low road’ mode. Can you describe the incident? What triggered your reaction, how long did you stay? How did you feel and what was your response? How did you recover, what do you do to ‘repair’? What resonated with you about the concept of being a ‘good enough mother’? How might you be better supporting your own needs? How do you feel engaging in Self-Kindness and appreciating that we are all part of something larger than ourselves connected with all mothers around the world through Common Humanity may help you maintain the ‘higher road’? Informal Practice: Practice being aware of your emotions. When you sense a flood of emotion constructive or deconstructive, – S.T.O.P and observe feelings, sensations and thoughts proceeding with awareness and Self-Kindness by engaging the 4-5-6 Compassion Pause “I’ve done my best, now let go of the rest.” Include a warm hand on the heart.



Session Five Facilitation Outline Activity

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Goals

Introduce the fourth pillar of the curriculum relating to relationships.

Understand we have our own internal working model based on past experiences, relationships and unresolved issues.

Recognize these unresolved issues may impact our current relationships.

Realize that our internal working models have the capacity to change through identification, reflection and ongoing awareness.

Reflect on a compassionate and loving figure and impactful role models.

Understand our brain's natural negativity bias and become aware of how ‘taking in the good’ can alter our brain chemistry.

Explore personal feelings of security and patterns of communication.

Discuss how fostering two-way communication with baby sets the stage for social and emotional development.

Arrival and Welcome

Centering Practice


Group Reading: Quote – Maya Angelou

She said. "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, but will never forget how you made them feel.”

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Maya Angelou

How does this passage resonate with the mothers?

15 min




Proposed Time

Check-In

Review and Reflect

Reflections for Session Four

Did you have an opportunity to gain a better understanding as to what sorts of actions or events trigger you to a 'lower mode' of processing?

Where they able to use S.T.O.P to help them reflect?

Readings for Session Five

Angels in the Nursery - 3 pages for participants Rest of the article for facilitators Excerpt from: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships and Neural Integration By: Daniel J. Siegel *** this article is to facilitators ONLY as interesting reading – not for class participants. Embracing our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Meaning of Baby’s Name

How was the name chosen?

What is the meaning of the name?

What hopes does this name evoke for you?

20 min





Attachment and the Internal Working Model

Take in the Good

Pause for Practice - Compassionate/Loving Presence

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Compassionate and Loving Presence

How does their body feel after the exercise?

What are they sensing, feeling, and thinking?

Who was that impactful, loving person in their family or their life growing up?

What was their earliest memory of this person?

What are the qualities about this person that stands out for them?

What is the feeling that resonate with them?

Is that a feeling they consciously create for their child?

Identifying Your Base – Role Models

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Role Models

Personal feelings:

How did they know they were loved?

Who did they turn to when they felt distress and why did they turn to that person?

How did they respond when their needs weren’t met?

Parent Patterns of Communication:

How did their family deal with feelings of hurt, or other challenging feelings?

How did their parents communicate with them when they were happy and excited?

Did they join with them in their enthusiasm?

When they were distressed or unhappy as a child, how were their needs met?

How did their parents show their feelings?

How did their relationship with their parents differ and how were they similar?

Are there ways in which you try to be like or try not to be like each of your parents?

Application of lessons learned:

What is one thing they appreciated about their family when they were growing up?

What is one thing that was difficult for them in their family when they were growing up?

40 min




Proposed Time

What is one thing about the family they grew up in that they would like to continue with your own family?

What is one thing that you would like to change in the family you are making now?




Proposed Time

Developing Intentional Communication (3-10 Months)

Shared Attention

Fostering Two-Way Intentional Communication

Heart Centered Dialogue – Baby’s Intentional Communication

What are some things that mothers do with their babies to foster communication?

How do they know their babies are communicating with them?

Is there one special signal you have come to understand that guides you to fulfill their need(s)?

What sorts of things do you do to ‘challenge’ or expose them to new things?

20 min



Group Reading: Poem-Clearing

Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently, until the song that is your life falls into your own cupped hands and you recognize and greet it. Only then will you know how to give yourself to this world so worthy of you.

Next Week’s Focus

Next week’s we continue to focus on the fourth pillar further identifying the importance of Relationships and Gratitude as we discuss the transition to parenthood for both parents, understanding the significance of anger, the underlying fabric of feelings and vulnerabilities which are ultimately unmet needs. Introduce the practice of listening and the importance and significance of being vulnerable.

Deepening Your Awareness at Home

Session Five Reflections

Identify an additional person who inspired, supported and or provided hope or direction.

Reflect on the qualities they admired most about them.

Were there lessons learned by their interaction with their inspirational figure are carried into how they conduct themselves today.

How did their family respond to their distress, unhappiness or frustration when they were children?

How do they carry those memories and feelings with them today?

Online Handouts

Meeting the Social and Emotional Needs

Readings for Session Six

Relationship Triage: When Baby Makes Three By: Carolyn Pirak From: ParentMap Magazine, November 1, 2008

10 min




Proposed Time

Becoming Parents By: John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver From: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work





Session Five Course Material

Session Five Framework

Session Five Goals:

Introduce the fourth pillar of the curriculum relating to relationships.

Understand we have our own internal working model based on past experiences, relationships and unresolved issues.

Recognize these unresolved issues may impact our current relationships.

Realize that our internal working models have the capacity to change through identification, reflection and ongoing awareness.

Reflect on a compassionate and loving figure and impactful role models.

Understand our brain's natural negativity bias and become aware of how ‘taking in the good’ can alter our brain chemistry.

Explore personal feelings of security and patterns of communication.

Discuss how fostering two-way communication with baby sets the stage for social and emotional development.


PARENTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT by Siegel MD & Hartzell

THE EARLIEST RELATIONSHIP, Brazelton and Cramer

BECOMING ATTACHED, Karen

A SECURE BASE: PARENT-CHILD ATTACHMENT AND HEALTHY HUMAN DEVELOPMENT, Bowlby


String and scissors – for ‘Weaving the Circle’ closing ritual, if needed.

Plan to print session five REFLECTIONS.


Arrival & Welcome






Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing

Allow participants to get settled. Invite them to bring their hand to their heart. Breathe in in out several times slowly. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath in, hold for four and say to yourself “I have arrived,” Hold your breath for a count of five. Exhale for a count of six and say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat two to three times.

Group Reading- Maya Angelou She said. "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, but will never forget how you made them feel.”

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Maya Angelou:

How does this passage resonate with the mothers?

Check-In Check-ins are an opportunity to bring mothers’ voices in and be witnessed in the mothering journey. Questions:




Review and Reflect Transition from the check-in to last week’s REFLECTIONS. After an opportunity to discuss last week’s lesson material, ask if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like



to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts.

Reflections for Session Four:

Did you have an opportunity to gain a better understanding as to what sorts of actions or events trigger you to a 'lower mode' of processing?

Where they able to use S.T.O.P to help them reflect?

Readings for Session Five: Angels in the Nursery - 3 pages for participants Rest of the article for facilitators Excerpt from: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships and Neural Integration By: Daniel J. Siegel *** this article is to facilitators ONLY as interesting reading – not for class participants. Embracing our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Meaning of Baby’s Name: This discussion can serve as an interesting introduction to the topic of the ‘replay of attachment’. Sometimes names chosen for a baby come with a set of expectations (“All boys in my husband's family are named Robert John Junior. They all turned out to be great athletes. I hope my baby will also be good at sports!”). Some babies are named after a deceased relative and this might trigger unconscious expectations that the baby will assume the role or characteristics of the dead person (especially if there was a strong attachment to the person).

How was the name chosen?

What is the meaning of the name?

What hopes does this name evoke for you?

Transition to this Week’s Focus We are now taking the time to transition from primarily baby focused to the fourth pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum which delves into Relationships and Gratitude. Over our lifetime, we have fostered many relationships but there are some in our lives who have impacted us greatly. Who in your own life has provided a safe container for you? The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery.




Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.

Attachment and the Internal Working Model Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969). Attachment is generally described as a child pursuing closeness, safety and care from a caregiver when they are upset or threatened. From an evolutionary reality, children who remained close to primary caregivers received comfort, protection and sustenance and were therefore more likely to survive into adulthood. A child’s attachment relationship with their primary caregiver leads to the development of an internal working model which encompasses memories and experiences and lead them to their understanding of the world, themselves and others. These ‘working' models are prone to evolve and develop according to experiences and relationships. When adults respond sensitively and appropriately to their child’s needs, they demonstrate attachment. Through our understanding of Common Humanity, we know caregivers respond sensitively and appropriately to their children across cultures. Adults’ interaction with others is guided by their own internal working model which is a collection of their own memories and experiences. This collection influences and helps them evaluate their contact with others. Having a baby reawakens within us buried experiences of being a child in our own families. Feelings that are long forgotten, old patterns of connections or interactions, and unconscious unmet needs. Different expectations or disappointments, can arrive in us as we care for our babies. As we transition to Motherhood, we become consciously or unconsciously aware of our past and begin interacting with our babies from our own internal working model. Mothers may put their own meaning onto what their baby is doing which in fact may have nothing to do with what the baby is feeling, but rather how they felt themselves as a baby. Conversely, sometimes mothers will not know why they do what they do, but that it felt “right”. That feeling might also be a repeat of an earlier familiar experience. The only way a mother will know if indeed it was “right” for her baby is by attempting to understand her own experiences as a baby growing up in her family, and separating those feelings from her baby’s experiences. What has been proven to be important with regard to how a parent attaches with their child “is not whether the parent has been deprived or nurtured as a child, but the degree of coherence versus incoherence in the parent’s subsequent memory of their childhood” (Mitchell, 2000, p. 85). The organization of a mother’s narrative and how it has been processed over the years was found to be the most crucial predictor of attachment style, rather than actual lived experiences and behaviors (e.g., Main, 1995; Main & Solomon, 1986; Mitchell, 2000; Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).

“To have this ability means in effect, that your internal model is still a “working” model—open, flexible and able to assimilate new information (Robert Karen, Becoming Attached, p.372)



It is through reflection of our own experiences, however, that we make our internal working model available for review and transformation (Mary Main). Children benefit from their parent’s capacity to think, to identify triggers and events and mindfully choose the ‘high road’ for interaction and processing.

Take in the Good According to Rick Hanson, author of BUDDHA’S BRAIN and HARDWIRING HAPPINESS, it takes an active effort to override the brain’s natural negativity bias. This negativity bias evolved to help our ancestors and animals survive, as it was far better to imagine a tiger behind a bush and be cautious and afraid, than to be confident there was nothing there and be eaten; the later ends the reproductive line. This negativity bias however is carried through today and manifests itself by making us feel frazzled, worried, irritated, lonely, and inadequate. Painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones. It gets back to our natural survival instinct. We tend to reflect on what went wrong rather than what went right as there are often painful memories and consequences for a repeat experiences.

Science, however, has demonstrated that we can alter the pathways in the brain by consciously remembering the good. Everyday lots of really good things happen. ‘Taking in the good’ builds up positive emotions and contributes to a reservoir of positive feelings from which we can draw on which will eventually change our brain and outlook. Facilitator Note: The reason this particular point is important as many people find it initially difficult to focus on a positive role model. As it takes five positive experiences to equal one negative experience many positive interactions with people are set aside. So take care to mention several potential options of people including a pet as positive triggers, as positive triggers – trigger other memories.



Pause for Practice - Compassionate/Loving Presence

In this exercise mothers will be asked to remember what it feels like to be in the presence of someone who cared, nurtured and loved them. We call this a compassionate, loving presence.

Start by sitting comfortably, your eyes are closed or half open (gaze down) and your body is relaxed.


Take a few “cleansing breaths” to help induce relaxation.

Take a deep breath and inhale filling your lungs; breathe in nurturance.

When you have inhaled fully, release your breath slowly through your mouth, and imagine you are ‘breathing out tension’.

Stay with the sensation of ‘breathing in the good and breath out any stress or tension’.

Place your hand on your heart and return to your natural breath.

Feel the warmth of the touch and notice your chest moving up and down slowly and rhythmically.

Check in with your body? Reflect on how it feels?

Now, begin recalling someone you felt connected to as a child, someone who was caring, kind and warm toward you. (If no immediate family member comes to mind, perhaps you can think of a pet, toy, neighbor, a friend or friend’s parent?)

Envision their smiling g presence before you. Recall how good it feels to be near that person pet or toy. Feel yourself opening to them and accepting their wish of love, happiness, and joy.

Imagine their wish as a gentle radiance, like a soft shower of healing rays.

Stay with this sensation; notice their eyes, their face, perhaps a smile. Hear their voice softly and lovingly saying your name.

Check in with your body? Reflect on how it feels?

Take a few more moments to just to relax and receive that wish from this compassionate, loving presence. Breathe deeply into it and notice how love flows like with ray of light throughout your entire body.

Now relax, let go of the story and say an affectionate goodbye to your compassionate loving presence.

Return your attention to your breath. Breathe naturally and rhythmically in and out. Open your eyes and look softly around.



Heart-Centered Dialogue – Compassionate and Loving Presence

How does their body feel after the exercise?

What are they sensing, feeling, and thinking?

Who was that impactful, loving person in their family or their life growing up?

What was their earliest memory of this person?

What are the qualities about this person that stands out for them?

What is the feeling that resonate with them?

Is that a feeling they consciously create for their child?

Identifying Your Base – Role Models We spoke about the concept of repair in last week’s session. A mother or caregiver’s responsiveness provides the lens in which her infant/baby processes and regulates their environment. When the lens ‘ruptures’ or ‘breaks’ and/or the mother is temporarily out of synch with their infant’s needs, how the bond is repaired is important. The provision of a secure base is important across the life span and involves the provision of a "reliable, attentive, and sympathetically responsive" environment. Bowlby identifies a secure base as "very similar

to that described by Winnicott as 'holding' and by Bion as 'containing'." (A SECURE BASE, J Bowlby p. 140 In our lifetimes, many people consciously and unconsciously inspire and impact us. We tend to surround ourselves with those that bring us comfort or provide insight and support, we call these compassionate loving figures. Facilitator Note: The descriptions below are provided as reference for you as a facilitator and if used, not for mothers to attempt to analyze the bond with their babies, as these patterns of behavior are developed over a period of time, but rather offer light on the bond they may have had with their caregivers so that they can begin to reflect, identify, become aware and then repair and evolve their own internal working models and parenting styles. Secure Attachment: Adults operating from a ‘secure’ base internal working model, where expectations and emotional and physical needs were met, they were able to explore their environment safely and have the capacity to view others with few prejudices and preconceptions. They value relationships and tend to be objective. Dismissive Attachment: Adults operating from a ‘dismissive’ base internal working model, where caregivers were inconsistently available or dismissive when they were angry or frustrated and tend to view others without prejudices and preconceptions. In order to have their needs met as children these individuals needed to develop a sense of independence early and learned not rely on their caregivers. These adults tend to be dismissive of attachment-related experiences and relationships and their personal stories tend to be very general and non-specific. Preoccupied Attachment: Adults with a ‘preoccupied’ base for their internal working model have difficulty viewing others without prejudices and preconceptions. Their caregivers were inconsistent and preoccupied when attending to these individuals as infants and or not attuned to them in their



responses. These children tend to be demanding and created drama to get attention to get their needs met. These adults tend to be preoccupied with past relationships and experiences and are often angry, passive or fearful. They tend to ramble and are easily distracted. Disorganized Attachment: Adults with a ‘disorganized’ base for their internal working model have difficulty viewing others without significant prejudices and preconceptions. Their caregivers frightened them and they were often abused or neglected. They find it difficult to have emotionally meaningful relationships and attachments. Many people with personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, have a disorganized state of mind. The ability to appreciate the container created by our role models and identify and work through conflicted relationships of the past will positively impact both the relationship between their child, as well as the important relationship with each other as parents.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Role Models Facilitator Note: This discussion may evoke very personal and raw feelings for some. Take the opportunity to remind mothers of our Common Humanity and although they now share the same bonding experience they all have different paths by which they have arrived. Invite mothers to speak and listen from the heart and respect the sacredness of what is being shared. This heart-centered dialogue begins framing the reflection. Identification of characteristics and mindful focus on the compassionate and loving presence that encouraged, and embraced them in their life is a powerful influence. The following questions provide an opportunity to begin the process of helping the mother’s identify their own ‘internal working models’ and inspirations for parenting. Further reflection should be done in session five REFLECTIONS. Personal feelings:

How did they know they were loved?

Who did they turn to when they felt distress and why did they turn to that person?

How did they respond when their needs weren’t met?

Parent Patterns of Communication:

How did their family deal with feelings of hurt, or other challenging feelings?

How did their parents communicate with them when they were happy and excited?

Did they join with them in their enthusiasm?

When they were distressed or unhappy as a child, how were their needs met?

How did their parents show their feelings?

How did their relationship with their parents differ and how were they similar?

Are there ways in which you try to be like or try not to be like each of your parents?

Application of lessons learned:

What is one thing they appreciated about their family when they were growing up?

What is one thing that was difficult for them in their family when they were growing up?

What is one thing about the family they grew up in that they would like to continue with your own family?

What is one thing that you would like to change in the family you are making now?



Developing Intentional Communication (3-10 Months): When a baby falls in love with their parents, they begin to realize their actions have impacts; when they express feelings or intentions, their caregiver’s respond. This is the beginning of dialogue. Two-way communication is essential for all human interaction and healthy relationships. It also allows babies to learn about themselves, about the world and understand their actions have impacts. Experiences in two-way communication allows them to form a true sense of who they are and see that the world is logical. Jane Swigart: “Equally crucial to every child’s development is the need for parents to act at times as containers for frightening or overwhelming emotions with which the children cannot cope by themselves… All children have a strong need for a loving presence, for someone simply to be there to hold them when these intense emotions threaten to overwhelm them.” (THE MYTH OF THE BAD MOTHER, p 29) As parents are falling in love with their baby, the mother’s mind acts as a container for the baby. Some babies are initially overwhelmed or excessively stimulated by touch. Physical touch is not the only way for mothers to ‘hold’ their babies. The soothing and calming tone of a mother’s voice is a way to ‘hold’ her baby, as the baby not only responds to the words but to the tone of her voice. The short repetitive words and phrases and mother’s tone fosters familiarity, connection and is a language called ‘Motherese’.

By three or four months, a baby is able to experience a wide range of feelings. Older babies are capable of experiencing pleasure and excitement, protest and rage, assertiveness, curiosity, dependence, love and security, demandingness and stubbornness, as well as the capacity to calm down. They are learning to be a purposeful sender, not just a receiver of feelings.

The baby’s love motivates them to search their caregiver’s face, body posture and voice for signs that they are reading them loud and clear. (BUILDING HEALTHY MINDS, p. 87)

The baby begins to realize that their joy can cause others joy.

This link gives them a beginning sense that they can have a pleasurable impact on the world, an important foundation for optimism and trust.

It also teaches them that there is a relationship between what they do and how the “world” responds.

This cause and effect understanding is the essence of reality testing. (FIRST FEELINGS p. 63).

Since no parent is able to read and react to every signal (nor should it be expected). Infants must learn to accept delay and frustrations as a part of life. It is important that infants learn this fact in a supportive environment. (BUILDING HEALTHY MINDS, p. 72)

Having a mother that is engaged in this two-way interaction helps the baby feel that their relationships with the world around them is meaningful and purposeful.

Babies learn through imitating their parent’s gestures and behaviors.

As humans, we need social experiences to learn our culture and to survive. Parents set the foundation and babies begin to understand that warmth, love and joyful relations are possible. This foundation is



nurtured through millions of daily interactions with their caregivers and build on their sense of who they are and continue to build cognitive, intellectual, and social skills.

Shared Attention: The parent and child attend to each other,

remain calm and focused for a reasonable amount of time – a few minutes in the first few months. Try to experience interest in sights, touch and movement, with the modulation of affect - i.e. calm down. The baby is beginning to make use of his/her ability to see, hear, feel, touch, move and regulate emotional reactions as she/he pays attention to the world.

Fostering Two-Way Intentional Communication: Promoting pleasurable feelings between mother and baby enhances emotional engagement and attachment as well as nurtures the development of various motor, sensory, language, and cognitive skill development. The process of ‘falling in love’ with baby gives the baby purpose to practice these new skills. When a baby is physically capable of reaching out and grasping something or touching their mother’s or father’s face, and/or see their expression change, they will more often attempt to continue to show interest to explore other reactions. There’s nothing more interesting in their world than the responses of their parents but specifically their mother. Babies who are caught up in flirtatious dialogues with people they love are involved, attentive and happy. This is part of why they learn so quickly. (THE SCIENTIST IN THE CRIB, p. 159)

Talk to babies using a variety of high and low pitches and soft to loud tones.

Offer them a range of different facial expressions while talking to them.

Touch or massage them using gentle touch while telling them what you are doing.

Gently move their arms and legs while talking and looking at them.

Follow child's lead, regardless of where his or her interest lies.

Observing the child's interests provides a window into what they find enjoyable and what motivates them.

A parent has an opportunity to feel more connected to their child if they respect and participate in what interests the child.

A mother’s response to the engagement and disengagement cues helps the baby make sense out of their feelings and environment.

Babies communicate their level of engagement using the following cues:

Smiling

Reaching

Eye contact

Cooing

Arm and leg movement.

Babies communicate disengagement using the following cues:

Averting eye contact,

Staring off into space,

Immobile/stillness,

Yawning,

Pulling away,

Crying.



The ability to form two-way communication builds strong and secure relationships and is the base for future motor, cognitive, and language skills.

Heart Centered Dialogue – Baby’s Intentional Communication: Help guide a discussion that promotes the ways in which mothers can encourage the development and growth of their baby’s communication skills.

What are some things that mothers do with their babies to foster communication?

How do they know their babies are communicating with them?

Is there one special signal you have come to understand that guides you to fulfill their need(s)?

What sorts of things do you do to ‘challenge’ or expose them to new things?

Group Reading -Poem-Clearing: Adapted from Clearing by Martha Postlewaite

Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently,

until the song that is your life falls into your own cupped hands and you recognize and greet it. Only then will you know how to give yourself to this world so worthy of you.

Next Week’s Focus Next week’s we continue to focus on the fourth pillar further identifying the importance of Relationships and Gratitude as we discuss the transition to parenthood for both parents, understanding the significance of anger, the underlying fabric of feelings and vulnerabilities which are ultimately unmet needs. Introduce the practice of listening and the importance and significance of being vulnerable.

Deepening Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session five REFLECTION exercise and read the following article to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection

Session Five Reflections:

Identify an additional person who inspired, supported and or provided hope or direction.

Reflect on the qualities they admired most about them.

Were there lessons learned by their interaction with their inspirational figure are carried into how they conduct themselves today.





Online Handouts: Meeting Social and Emotional Needs of Infants

Readings for Session Six: Relationship Triage: When Baby Makes Three By: Carolyn Pirak From: ParentMap Magazine, November 1, 2008 Becoming Parents By: John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver From: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work


End of Session Summary Between your sessions, bridge the gap between the days before your next group by emailing a summary of what was covered in the prior session, a gentle reminder to practice their mindful pauses, as well as attempt to deepen their awareness by taking an opportunity to fill in the Reflection exercises and read the attached articles. This summary also provides an invitation for a mom that might be struggling to contact you directly, assess their state and refer them out if necessary.



S5: Reflections: This last week, we discussed how people in our lives have consciously or unconsciously contributed to our own ‘internal working models. Think of someone you may not have considered in our Listening MothersTM group this last week. Someone in your life who inspired, supported, provided hope or direction while you were younger. Who was this person and what are the qualities you admire most? (Use the back of this paper if necessary). Person: 1.__________________________________________________________________________________ Qualities: 2. __________________________________________,_______________________________________ What lessons, behaviors or values do you carry through in your own life as a result of the inspiration, support or direction this person provided? How was love, support expressed in your own family? Think of an instance or two when you were distressed or unhappy as a child? How did your primary caregiver/mother respond? What thoughts, feelings or sensations resonate with you about this action? What do you think you think you carry forward in your life and/or with your baby as a result of the above incidence or pattern of behavior? Was there something that you did or learned from your childhood that you would like to make sure you carry through and do for your child?



Session Six Facilitation Outline

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Goals:

Discuss the emotional nature of the transition to parenthood and the importance of understanding their partner's perspective.

Discuss anger as the armor that protects the soft fabric of our feelings and vulnerabilities which ultimately stem from unmet needs.

Discuss the four horses of the apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt and how our work to identify our decent to the low road in session four helps focus our ability to engage Self-Compassion; and over time open dialogue to minimize the use of these destructive responses.

Begin the practice of attentive listening.




Proposed Time

Arrival and Welcome

Centering Practice with 4-5-6 Breathing


Group Reading: Poem – What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it. I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you all they can. I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

~ Omer Washington

Heart-Centered Dialogue: What I’ve Learned

What resonated with mothers about their own partnership after hearing this poem?

15 min




Proposed Time

Check-In

Review and Reflect

Reflections for Session Five

Were they able to identify an additional person who inspired, supported and or provided hope or direction?

What were the qualities they admired most about them?

Do they think those lessons learned by their interaction with them are carried into how they conduct themselves today?



Readings for Session Six

Relationship Triage: When Baby Makes Three By: Carolyn Pirak From: ParentMap Magazine, November 1, 2008 Becoming Parents By: John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver From: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

15 min




Proposed Time


Emotional Partnerships –Transition to Parenthood Together

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Transition to Parenthood Together

Ask mothers to provide one or two examples of how their relationship with their spouse or partner is different today than it was before the baby was born.

What is it that they miss most?

Do they have a sense for how this transition to parent/fatherhood been for their spouse/partner? Do they think their expectations and reality are aligned?

Can they identify what is it that causes tension?

If there was one thing that they could ask from their partner to make life more satisfying right now, what would it be?

What could they do to bring their partner more intimately into the process of their own transition? What could they share?

Describe a strength their partner brings to their relationship?

How does that strength contribute to the holding environment of their baby?

What do they appreciate about their partner’s efforts?

Have you had an instance where mothers have discovered that they and their partner are not necessarily in synch with regard to parenting styles?

Have they shared heart-centered dialogue with their partners to better understand why they have their perspective?

15 min




Proposed Time

The Evolution of Anger and Identification of Unmet Needs

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen

Criticism

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Contempt

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Understanding Our Anger/Armor and Underlying Protective Fabric of Unmet Needs

How do the mothers and their spouse/partners resolve differences?

How do they express frustration, resentment, anger?

How has anger served us as a species?

How does anger serve the mothers? (setting boundaries, being heard)

How does anger hurt them? (adds strife, bitterness and distance etc.)

Analysis and Repair:

Can they label their armor? Label the physical sensations and thoughts and emotions that resulted, anger, frustration, bitterness etc.

What related incident or memory is triggered as a result of the incident defined above, when have they felt that before?

Can they identify the fabric of their armor; and ultimately what needs are unmet; fear, insecurity, doubt, abandonment, neglect, guilt, fear of change?

o What is the loss?

o Do they feel insulted? Why?

o Do they feel powerless? Why?

o Do they feel threatened? Why?

From a rational point of view, how big is this loss, insult, feeling of powerlessness or threat? Is the feeling of loss, powerlessness etc. from the prior incident?

How can they recover?

What does ‘repair’ look like?

Pause for Practice: Self-Compassion Pause – Soothing Touch (5 min)

30 min




Proposed Time

Pause for Practice: Listening

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Listening

Did they find anything difficult about the listening exercise?

As the listener, did they find their mind wandering when they were attentively listening?

When they were attentively listening, how did they stay engaged? Why did they stay engaged?

How did the speaker’s thoughts, feelings and body sensations resonate when their partner WAS attentively listening?

How did the speaker’s thoughts, feelings and body sensations resonate when their partner WAS NOT attentively listening?

What did the listener notice in their partner when they noticed they weren’t listening?

How does the concept of listening and or being heard contribute to our own holding environments?

What one thing that stood out for them as part of this exercise?

The Importance of Vulnerability

Activating Self-Compassion

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Vulnerability and Self-Compassion

What about our fear of being vulnerable resonated with them? Is this real?

What is their biggest fear about being vulnerable?

How many allow themselves to be vulnerable in the presence of their partners? What does that look like?

How can our knowledge of Common Humanity and the activation of Self-Kindness help navigate this channel of vulnerability and Self-Compassion?

20 min

In Class Reading - Story from David Whyte – If time permits

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Story from David Whyte

What about this story resonated with them?

What are the mindful practices David used gain balance and control? (STOP, COAL, Repair).

Can you envision the outcome, had attempts of ‘repair’ not been made?

How did his attempts to ‘repair’ contribute to the holding environment?

10 min if time

permits




Proposed Time

Next Week’s Focus

Next week’s focus discusses the elements of successful partnerships, communication strategies, empathetic listening and the importance of gratitude.


Session Six Reflections

Session six has a two part reflection:

Part one engages their partner to slow both of their paces, and reconnect with some questions that promote openness and mild vulnerability.

Part two provides an opportunity for the mother to reflect on the answers to the questions.

Readings for Session Seven

Brene Brown ‘ The Power of Vulnerability’ June 2010 Available on our Curriculum site or the Mindful Spotlight for July – Vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability ***Masters of Love By: Emily Esfahani Smith Published: The Atlantic, Jun 12 2014 ***Important read. The Happy Couple By Suzann Pileggi Published: Scientific American Mind Jan/Feb 2010 Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down to Two Basic Traits By EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, The Atlantic Nov. 9, 2014 http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11 Five Ways to Become Happier Today Tal Ben-Shahar


10 min




Session Six Course Material

Session Six Framework

Goals:

Discuss the emotional nature of the transition to parenthood and the importance of understanding their partner's perspective.

Discuss anger as the armor that protects the soft fabric of our feelings and vulnerabilities which ultimately stem from unmet needs.

Discuss the four horses of the apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt and how our work to identify our decent to the low road in session four helps focus our ability to engage Self-Compassion; and over time open dialogue to minimize the use of these destructive responses.

Begin the practice of attentive listening.


WHAT CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS MARRIAGE, Judith Siegel

THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK, John Gottman

WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL: AND HOW YOU CAN MAKE YOURS LAST, John Gottman


String and scissors – for ‘Weaving the Circle’ closing ritual, if needed.

Plan to print both session six REFLECTIONS.


Tissue.

Arrival & Welcome








In Class Reading - What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it. I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you all they can. I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

~ Omer Washington

Heart-Centered Dialogue – What I’ve Learned:

What resonated with mothers about their own partnership after hearing this poem?







Track the sharing during check-ins as the ‘pearls’ shared can inform the course material and what you may emphasize.

Review and Reflect To start the transition to this week’s lesson material, take an opportunity to discuss the week’s REFLECTIONS. Ask participants if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts.

Session Five Reflections:

Were they able to identify an additional person who inspired, supported and or provided hope or direction?

What were the qualities they admired most about these figures?

Do they think they have carried those lessons learned by their interaction with this person with how they conduct themselves today?



Readings for Session Six: Relationship Triage: When Baby Makes Three By: Carolyn Pirak From: ParentMap Magazine, November 1, 2008 Becoming Parents By: John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver From: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Transition to this Week’s Focus We started our Listening MothersTM journey with the understanding of the baby and the path they follow with the support of the mother to thrive. We then turned our attention to mothers and their transition to Motherhood, creating an awareness of feelings and providing tools to support balance. We discussed the concept of our own internal models and how those models frame our perceptions and interactions with others. Again we focus on Relationships with session seven bringing in Gratitude as there is another very important piece in their baby’s lives and that is their mother’s spouse, husband, father and partner. The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery.



Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room. It is also important to note that session six and session seven are extremely full of both content and discussion material. Please take the time to encourage mothers to continue reflection either internally or by journaling after the session ends.

Emotional Partnerships –Transition to Parenthood Together

“(A) strong marriage is the foundation of a family’s well-being.”

(Judith Siegal, WHAT CHILDREN LEARN, p. 18)

Research shows that 67% of new parents report significant drops in marital quality after the birth of their child (Gottman). Therefore, supporting parents in their transition to parenthood is crucial both to the survival of their marriage and the growing child’s ability to form secure and intimate relationships.

“How would you feel if your husband fell in love with another person? How would you feel if you fell in love with someone new? The tricky part about having a baby is that both people are falling in love with a new person - their baby. Their once exclusive, eyes-for you-only relationship has become a triangle.”

In session one, we discussed mother’s expectations and how they may have differed from her actual transition to Motherhood.

Spouses/fathers/partners may also have an expectation of parenthood and that expectation and reality may not match. Although additional time spent on baby by the mother makes logical sense, it doesn’t always resonate emotionally with partners.

Many of the activities couples did pre-baby, are put on hold. While the mother’s attention is naturally and necessarily diverted to attend to this new life, fathers/partners though want to participate, don’t necessarily know how.

Tension can grow as partners compete over who does more for the family. Many fathers/partners feel an increased sense of pressure to provide for the family especially if the mother is taking time away from a paying job to stay home with the baby; the spouse may feel unappreciated for their effort as baby diverts the mother’s attention.

Both parents can begin to feel isolated and rejected. Along with both parents being sleep deprived, simple chores pile up due to lack of energy, interest or focus.

Lack of intimacy, although temporary, is an issue for most partners after baby is born. This is an important part of staying connected.

Even relatives enter the equation as they can offer much unsolicited advice, leaving parents feeling out of control; at some point there can even be a realization that both parents have different approaches to parenting.



In session four we spoke of mothers often being the primary caretaker and her need of extra support. She may become resentful of what she perceives as overwhelming and unrealistic demands. Mothers are often tired, emotionally vulnerable, experience many hormonal changes and may experience hard feelings like: anger, resentment and frustration.

Some of that frustration will be inevitably targeted toward her spouse/partner - including feelings of envy of what she perceives as her partner’s sense of freedom. Some of the anger targeted at her spouse/partner may serve to protect her baby from her anger or loss of control over her own time.

As men do not have the ability to be pregnant, give birth, or breastfeed, they are dependent on their partners to invite them to share their experiences. A baby will alter every component of a parent’s life regardless of whether it is their first or their fourth: physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, relational, social, and financial, so is important for new fathers to be realistic and flexible in their expectations of parenthood. The role of fathers is often less defined when baby arrives and they frequently feel inadequate, displaced by the baby, left out and helpless. However engaged fathers/partners make an impact. Research shows that infants who have been well fathered during the first 2 years of their lives are more secure in exploring the world than those who did not have engaged fathers/partners. These children explore with vigor and interest. They tend to be more curious and less hesitant or fearful - especially in the face of novel situations. In session five we spent time discussing an impactful person in the mother’s life. This compassionate figure, among others contributed to the mother’s internal working model and conscious or unconscious parenting style. Their spouse/partner also has a series of compassionate figures and or impactful events that define their internal working model and parenting ideals. Issues around sibling rivalry, envy, rejection, frustration, neediness, etc., may be at the forefront and bring about vulnerability, an unconscious awareness of unmet needs and sensitivity as each of the couples learn to relate to each other with baby. It is not commonly understood that each partner’s powerful reaction to the other is colored by years of personal history. The ability to understand and work through conflicted relationships of the past can have a constructive impact both the relationship between the parents and their children, as well as the relationship with each other.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Transition to Parenthood Together Using the questions below, guide a heart-centered dialogue.

Ask mothers to provide one or two examples of how their relationship with their spouse or partner is different today than it was before the baby was born.

What is it that they miss most?

Do they have a sense for how this transition to parent/fatherhood been for their spouse/partner? Do they think their spouse/partner’s expectations and reality are aligned?



Can they identify what it is about the transition for their partner that causes tension?

Is there was one thing that they could ask from their partner to make life more satisfying for them right now?

Do they have a sense of what they could do differently for their partner that would make this transition more satisfying for them right now?

Describe a strength their partner brings to their relationship?

How does that strength contribute to the holding environment of their baby?

What could they do to bring their partner more intimately into the process of their own transition? What could they share?

What do they appreciate about their partner’s efforts?

Have they had an instance where mothers have discovered that they and their partners are not necessarily in synch with regard to parenting styles?

Have they shared heart-centered dialogue with their partners to better understand why they have their perspective?

The Evolution of Anger and Identification of Unmet Needs The expression of anger is understood across cultures. Anger is termed a ‘bargaining’ emotion and its expression has evolved over time. As part of our primitive survival, anger preceded a significant show of strength followed by a physical strike and since those who were stronger tended to win conflict more often, anger evolved into sign of intimidation. Anger is a natural and necessary call to action and identifies the need to return our systems to balance. It sends a clear message that ‘Hey – I’m not OK. Something has to change!’ Anger is our armor; the hard emotion that results when the soft fabric of our underlying feelings and our vulnerabilities are distressed. Anger has many layers and takes many forms such as annoyance, irritation, criticism and contempt, to being offended and outraged. We often stop when we’ve recognized the soft fabric of the emotion(s) we are feeling such as sadness, loneliness or fear. What we fail to realize is that those emotions are generated due to basic unmet needs such as being appreciated, feeling valued, understood and loved. Unmet needs are interwoven with the soft fabric of our feelings and can be deeply hidden or protected and often missed. The exposure of the soft fabric and unmet needs is what triggers our anger and drives us to act on our sense of unfairness.

When we are in a safe environment and have a Self-Compassion focus, we can turn kindly toward our unmet needs and our feelings and thoughts and sensations soon shift. When we are able to understand what triggers the wearing of our armor, we have the capacity to reflect with kindness, attend tenderly towards our needs and embrace constructive long lasting change. Attempting to suppress our unmet needs can backfire and even diminish our sense of contentment.



John Gottman’s Four Horsemen: John Gottman refers to responses by couples under stress as the FOUR

HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE; Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt, all of which are generally cloaked in anger. We tend to use these ‘horsemen’ as part of our armor to prevent revealing what we tend to think are weaknesses, but are actually the soft fabric of our emotions and unmet needs. Relationships can withstand their occasional use but only if sufficient ‘repair’ is done in their wake. The best approach is to attempt to identify our decent to the ‘low road’ and choose the ‘higher road’. As mothers feel their body’s changing, heart racing, temperature rising and breathing increasing: remember S.T.O.P.

Criticism:

Criticism: is an attack on a person, not a complaint about a specific behavior. Criticism implies their partner is the problem.

Critical language: “You’re such a slob, you can’t even put your dishes from the sink into the dishwasher.”

S.T.O.P

“I can’t seem to find the time to make cleaning up dishes a priority right now and I am feeling overwhelmed. I would appreciate if you would take the time to put your dishes in the dishwasher.”

Defensiveness:

Defensiveness: is an attempt to protect themselves and shields them from taking responsibility for their actions.

Critical language: “What are you talking about?” You’re the one who……”

S.T.O.P

“I hear what you are saying and I understand your perspective. I guess I didn’t realize…”

Stonewalling: Stonewalling: one partner withdrawals, doesn’t make eye contact, attempts escape or shuts down. The partner being stonewall often attempts to engage resulting in an escalation.

S.T.O.P – provide space, allow your partner the opportunity to calm down.

After they have provided space for their partner, approach their partner with C.O.A.L. Stonewallers need to be approached with thoughtfulness. Take an opportunity to ‘practice’ your approach, write down your script and practice. “Take out the pronoun ‘you’ and focus on ‘I’.

“When we are talking and you don’t respond, I feel disrespected, ignored, and it’s as if you don’t really care what I’m saying.” “I have something I would like to discuss but don’t want you to feel that I am blaming you, can we start over with how I’m feeling?”



Contempt: there is no room for a contempt in a relationship and nothing is more destructive. A contemptuous person scans the environment looking for someone’s mistakes and attempts to put someone down through the use of insults and name calling. This is abusive behavior.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Understanding Our Anger/Armor and Underlying Protective Fabric of Unmet Needs: In session four we discussed being able to identify emotions that lead us down the ‘low road’. In session five we focused on positive figures that contributed to mother’s internal working models. But as science has shown us, it takes five positive memories to replace one negative memory. Humans have a negativity bias to support our primitive survival instincts. Guide the beginnings of a discussion where mothers identify their anger or armor, and how it benefits and hurts them. Attempt to have them discover the underlying fabric of emotion and the unmet needs they are protecting. Opportunities for further exploration can be done in this week’s REFLECTION. Identifying Anger:

How has anger served us as a species?

How do they themselves express frustration, resentment, anger?

How do the mothers and their spouse/partners resolve differences?

How does anger serve the mothers? (setting boundaries, being heard)

How does anger hurt them? (adds strife, bitterness and distance etc.)

Analysis and Repair:

Can they label their armor? Label the physical sensations and thoughts and emotions that resulted, anger, frustration, bitterness etc.

What related incident or memory is triggered as a result of the incident defined above, when have they felt those sorts of feelings before?

Can they identify the emotional fabric and further still the unmet needs of their armor; fear, insecurity, doubt, abandonment, neglect, guilt, fear of change?

What is the loss they feel?

Do they feel insulted? Why?

Do they feel powerless? Why?

Do they feel threatened? Why?

From a rational point of view, how big is this loss, insult, feeling of powerlessness or threat? Is the feeling of loss, powerlessness etc. from the prior incident?

How can they recover?

What does ‘repair’ look like with their partner?



Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause with Soothing Touch: Return to center, clarity and calm by practicing our focused 4-5-6 Compassion Breath exercise with Soothing Touch. In session four we introduced the importance of touch. Intentional relaxation techniques including focused breathing and touch activate the parasympathetic nervous system increasing positive emotion, balancing heart rate, lowering sense of stress and provide more control over the body’s inner landscape. Choose to add a compassionate, supportive phrase like ‘I have done my best, now I let go of the rest’ to help ‘take in the good’.

Invite the mothers to get comfortable in their seats and find a soft gaze or close their eyes.

Breathe in through your nose for a count of four. Hold your breath for a count of five. Breathe out for a count of six. Repeat two to three times. As you exhale, gently place your hand over your heart, feeling the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. If you wish, place both hands on your chest, noticing the difference between one and two hands. Feel the touch of your hand on your chest. Deepen your sensation of touch by making small circles with your hands on your chest. Feel the natural rising and falling of your breath as you inhale and exhale. Linger with the feeling as long as you like exploring other possible soothing gestures that work for you;

touching your neck, touching your cheek, making circles on the top of your hand, putting a hand on your abdomen, or, crossing your arms and giving yourself a gentle squeeze.

Physical comfort activates our parasympathetic nervous system and quickly returns us to calm. Take advantage of this surprisingly simple and straightforward way to be kind to ourselves.



Pause for Practice: Listening As we are so anxious to be heard ourselves, we sometimes forget the key component for being heard is to attentively listen to others. Take a few moments to begin the practice of attentively listening. Facilitator Note: This next exercise requires pairing off into two groups. If there is an uneven number of mothers in attendance, it may require you fill the role of one of the partners. Guided Exercise:

Attentively listening to our loved ones creates an environment where our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting, and respected. When we listen, we create the ability for ordinary conversations to emerge on a deeper level and we foster the skill in others by acting as a model for positive and effective communication. In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater intimacy. Take a moment to think about a story that you wish to share with your in-group partner since your baby has been born. While you are sharing your story, be aware of how your body feels as you are sharing your story.

Group A Group B

‘A’ will tell a story for two minutes that notes something different between participant ‘A’ and their partner since baby is born.

‘B’ will attentively listen without interrupting. ‘B’ will offer gestures of actively listening, non-verbal signals, nod, provide eye contact.

Switch

‘A’ Will attentively listen without interrupting. ‘A’ will offer gestures of actively listening, non-verbal signals, nod, provide eye contact.

‘B’ will tell a story for two minutes that notes something different between participant ‘B’ and their partner since baby is born.

Switch

‘A’ will take one min to finish the story that they started.

‘B’ will demonstrate exaggerated gestures where they are NOT listening or engaged answering a text, reading an article on their phone or continuing to look at the clock, yawning etc.

Switch

‘A’ will demonstrate exaggerated gestures where they are NOT listening or engaged answering a text, reading an article on their phone or continuing to look at the clock, yawning etc.

‘B’ will take one min to finish the story that they started.

At the end of the exercise have both partners look into each other’s eyes and say ‘Thank You’.



Heart-Centered Dialogue – Listening: Even though this was a staged exercise, many of the thoughts, feelings, sensations our body’s feel happen unconsciously as a result of the underlying feeling of being heard/unheard and appreciated/unappreciated. It subtly evokes our ‘fight or flight’ response and exposes insecurities.

Did they find anything difficult about the Listening exercise?

As the listener, did they find their mind wandering when they were attentively listening?

When they were attentively listening, how did they stay engaged? Why did they stay engaged?

How did the speaker’s thoughts, feelings and body sensations resonate when their partner WAS attentively listening?

How did the speaker’s thoughts, feelings and body sensations resonate when their partner WAS NOT attentively listening?

What did the listener notice in their partner when they noticed they weren’t listening?

How does the concept of listening and or being heard contribute to our own holding environments?

What one thing that stood out for them as part of this exercise?

I was recently at a couple’s seminar and a man was with his wife and said to me,

‘You know what we need? We need Viagra for women’.

I said, “We have it. It’s called listening.”

~ John Gottman

The Importance of Vulnerability Why do we fear being vulnerable? Because we innately fear rejection and unconsciously protect our unmet needs. Our awareness of Common Humanity without the context of Self-Kindness activates our fear of being average, exposing our inadequacies or not measuring up.

“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask

for what you need. To talk about how you're feeling. To have the hard conversations.”

~ Brene Brown

“Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure.”

~ Bob Marley



Vulnerability is an inevitable and important part of humanity. It challenges our filters and rewards us with connectedness. Opportunities to be vulnerable present themselves every day:

when we confront a family member about inappropriate behavior,

helping a friend after a loss or experiencing a loss personally,

managing conflict with a partner,

taking the responsibility for something at work that has not gone as planned etc.

Allowing ourselves to become vulnerable is key to fostering open communication. Mindfulness teaches us to be present without judgement. Attentively listening, acknowledging our partners and being willing to look at ourselves and how we can change, are all parts of successful partnerships. (Empathetic listening/responding is covered session seven.)

Activating Self-Compassion: Research shows that when we allow ourselves to be open, without judgement we reveal our hopes, dreams and fears. When we connect with our Common Humanity by activating Self-Compassion, deep down we understand life is complicated, rarely goes as planned and that we are all in the same boat. Understanding your partner’s internal working model and those impacting life experiences provides a window into the raw emotional reaction and suit of armor they may wear as a result of their own unmet needs. The practice of Mindfulness contributes to the awareness of our feelings, sensations and thoughts without judgement. The practice of Self-Compassion engages Self-Kindness which provides insight and identification of and the knowing of our needs. Identifying our needs begins with being an attentive listener to ourselves and with our partners.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Vulnerability and Self-Compassion

What about our fear of being vulnerable resonated with them? Is this real?

What is their biggest fear about being vulnerable?

How many allow themselves to be vulnerable in the presence of their partners? What does that look like?

How can our knowledge of Common Humanity and the activation of Self-Kindness help navigate this channel of vulnerability and Self-Compassion?



In Class Reading - Story from David Whyte – If Time Permits A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want. To do this requires vulnerability. A kind of robust vulnerability that can create a certain form of strength and presence.

There are many tough conversations, but one of the most difficult is between a parent and an adolescent daughter, partly because as a parent we are almost always attempting to relate to someone who is no longer there. The parent therefore usually tries to start the conversation by offering a perspective that the daughter finds not only out of date but also unhelpful; the daughter then replies by way of defense with something just a shade more unhelpful, and so the process continues. A year or so ago, I found myself in exactly this dynamic, my daughter's bedroom door slamming shut just as I was just about to say that last, deeply satisfying unhelpful thing. But I caught myself and said, "David, this isn't a real conversation. How do you make this a real conversation?" I gave it the old 10-minute cool down time, walked into the kitchen, made tea and put out a tray, and on the tray: a plate of cookies, a milk pitcher, a cup and a saucer. Then I knocked on her door and said in a very different, more invitational voice, "Come on, Charlotte, I've made tea. Let's go and have a talk." As soon as I put the tray down and we had sat next to each other, almost by accident I happened to say exactly the right thing—I said, "Charlotte, tell me one thing you'd like me to stop doing as a father. And tell me one thing you'd like me to do more of." She suddenly gazed up at me with a lovely look in her eyes, one I knew from her very early infancy. She was engaged again because at last I was really inviting her to tell me was who she had become—not who she had been or who I wanted her to be—but who she was now.

Sourced from: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Poet-David-Whytes-Questions-That-Have-No-Right-to-Go-Away_1

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Story from David Whyte – If Time Permits: Briefly discuss the above story and what resonated with mothers. There are a few questions below to begin the dialogue.

What about this story resonated with them?

What are the mindful practices David used gain balance and control? (STOP, COAL, Repair).

Can you envision the outcome, had attempts of ‘repair’ not been made?

How did his attempts to ‘repair’ contribute to the holding environment?

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Poet-David-Whytes-Questions-That-Have-No-Right-to-Go-Away_1

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Poet-David-Whytes-Questions-That-Have-No-Right-to-Go-Away_1



Next Week’s Focus Next week’s focus discusses the elements of successful partnerships, communication strategies, empathetic listening and the importance and impact of gratitude.

Deepening Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session six REFLECTION exercises and read the following article to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection



S6: Reflections – Part I: In session six this week we spoke about the importance of listening and how feeling ‘listened to/heard’ promotes intimacy and calmness and closeness. Take an opportunity to dialogue with your spouse or partner. The following questions are meant to be fun, light but introspective. Take turns asking the questions, write answers down if you see fit. Take notice of how you feel before you begin, during and after.

1. What would constitute a perfect day for you?

2. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life so far?

4. What do you value most in friendship and what does it mean to you?

5. What is your most treasured memory?

6. What is your worst memory? How did you feel? Why do you think you felt that way?

7. Alternate positive characteristics about you/your partner. Share five of them.

8. Can you gently describe one thing that I do that tends to frustrate you? Why do you think that is?

9. What three things do you think we have in common?

10. What is something you would like to do with just me?

11. What is one thing you would like us to do as a family?

12. What are three things you would like to accomplish in your lifetime?



S6: Reflections – Part II: Review the feelings, sensations and thoughts you had as a result of the exercise of asking your spouse or partner the exploratory questions in Part I of this Reflections. Plan to write the answers below. (Use the back if necessary).

1. What was most meaningful about the process of interviewing your partner/spouse?

2. What was difficult?

3. Is there something else you would like to note or reflect on as a result of the answers to the questions you asked?



Session Seven Facilitation Outline

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Goals:

Identify and discuss key principals in successful partnerships.

Expand an understanding of communication strategies, finding humor and the importance of empathetic listening.

Discuss the impact of a powerful partnership on children.

Understand the importance of a grateful state of mind.

Build a new family with their partner and baby.



Arrival and Welcome

Centering Practice with 4-5-6 Breathing


Facilitator Note: There is lots to cover this week and we wanted to leave as much time as possible for dialogue.

Check-In

Review and Reflect

Reflections for Session Six

What was most meaningful about the process of interviewing your partner/spouse?

What was difficult?

Is there an answer to a question asked they would like to share?

Readings for Session Seven

Brene Brown ‘ The Power of Vulnerability’ June 2010 Available on our Curriculum site or the Mindful Spotlight for July – Vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability ***Masters of Love By: Emily Esfahani Smith Published: The Atlantic, Jun 12 2014 ***Important read. The Happy Couple By Suzann Pileggi Published: Scientific American Mind

10 min



This Week’s Focus Making Marriage Work

Elements of a Positive Partnership

1. Creating Love Maps 2. Nurture fondness and admiration 3. Turn toward each other rather than away or against 4. Honor your partner’s perspective 5. Approach conflict with kindness and love 6. Let your partner influence you 7. Create shared meaning

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Elements of Positive Partnerships:

What sorts of things do the mothers do to foster continued exploration in their relationship?

What sorts of things do they do to nurture fondness and admiration?

What sorts of things do they do to create an atmosphere that supports open communication?

How do they let their partner know their perspective matters?

What are their shared visions of the future together and as a family?

25 min



Maintaining Healthy Communication

Stay Connected

Manage Conflict

Maintain Friendships

Maintain Physical Intimacy

Finding Humor/Have Fun

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Communication

Have they noticed a change in the way they communicate with their partner since baby has been born?

What do they do to stay connected with their partner?

In session six, we spoke about attentive listening; responding mindfully is just as important. How do the nature of the following phrases relating to responding in a discussion create space to keep mothers on the ‘high road’?

o Before you respond ask yourself:

Is the response truthful?

Is the response helpful?

Does the response come from the heart?

Is the response appropriate or timely?

How do they think maintaining relationships with friends helps their relationship with their partner? What have they found to be difficult about attempts to maintain friendships?

How many laugh with their spouse or partner on a regular basis? How does their mind, body and self-feel when they connect and laugh together?

30 min



The Power of Gratitude

Gratitude and Mindfulness

Cultivating Gratitude

Heart-Centered Dialogue - Gratitude

How do they know when they are appreciated?

How do they deal with the feelings they have when they feel appreciated?

Do they take the time to notice and acknowledge those things that make them happy and inspire gratitude with in them?

Do they take the time to let their loved ones know they are grateful or do they treat it like ‘they should be doing that’?

How do they deal with the feelings that arise as a result of not feeling appreciated?

How often do they let their partners know how grateful they are to have them in their lives?

15 min



Pause for Practice – Letter of Gratitude and Appreciation to Oneself

Pass out paper and a pen. Take two minutes to write detailed answers for each of the questions below, to be completed in group:

What are the mothers grateful for in their lives?

What do they most appreciate about themselves?

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Letter of Gratitude and Appreciation to Oneself

Take a few moments to discuss what mothers wrote about being grateful appreciate about themselves.

Did they find it difficult to find things to be thankful for and appreciate?

Why?

Pause for Practice – Love and Gratitude to Baby, Oneself, Partner

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Love and Gratitude

Take a few moments to discuss what mothers wrote about being grateful appreciate about themselves and did they find it difficult? Why?

Did the sensations in their bodies changes as a result of the gratitude exercise?

How do you think these reflective statements change our mindset?

Did they want to alter the grateful statements after they have had a chance to complete the Love and Gratitude exercise?

How often do they find time to acknowledge the things that make them happy?

Do they find they spend more time reflecting on what went wrong or attempting to ‘fix’ something. (Five positives to override a single negative).

How can they begin to cultivate a grateful state of mind?

Group Reading: Poem – Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, and confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~ Melody Beattie

20 min



Next Week’s Focus

Next week’s focus review the programs highlights and associated mindful practices, Circle of Security and emotional realization. End the session with group photo and woven circle.


Session Seven Reflections

Reflect on what you are grateful for surrounding your baby and partner.

What specific things are you grateful for that your partner brings to your relationship?

Based on the discussion of John Gottman’s elements of successful partnerships, how are you contributing to the success of your partnership?

Plan to focus on one specific thing you are grateful for each day.

Readings for Session Eight

A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day By: John Tierney Published: NY Times November 21, 2011 Understanding the Science of Gratitude By: Joel and Michelle Levey. Published: Huffington Post July 11, 2011. The Benefits of Journaling, Purcell, M. (2006). The Health Benefits of Journaling. Psych Central

Online Hand Out

Maintaining Healthy Communication

In Group Sharing – Session Eight

Invite mothers to bring something of meaning to share next week.


5 min




Session Seven Course Material

Session Seven Framework

Goals:

Identify and discuss key principals in successful partnerships.

Expand an understanding of communication strategies, finding humor and the importance of empathetic listening.

Discuss the impact of a powerful partnership on children.

Understand the importance of a grateful state of mind.

Build a new family with their partner and baby.


WHAT PARENTS LEARN FROM THEIR PARENTS MARRIAGE, Judith Siegel

THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK, John Gottman


String and scissors – for ‘Weaving the Circle’ closing ritual, if needed to replace a broken string.

Plan to bring pens and paper for this week’s written REFLECTION in group.

Print in group session seven REFLECTIONS.


Arrival & Welcome












Review and Reflect To start the transition to this week’s lesson material, take an opportunity to discuss the above group reading and bridge last week’s REFLECTIONS. Ask participants if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts.

Session Six Reflections: Part 1, Part 2 Discuss Reflections –

What was most meaningful about the process of interviewing your partner/spouse?

What was difficult?

Is there an answer to a question asked they would like to share?

Readings for Session Seven: Brene Brown ‘ The Power of Vulnerability’ June 2010 Available on our Curriculum site or the Mindful Spotlight for July – Vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability



***Masters of Love By: Emily Esfahani Smith Published: The Atlantic, Jun 12 2014 ***Important read. The Happy Couple By Suzann Pileggi Published: Scientific American Mind

Transition to this Week’s Focus: The last two sessions have been spent focusing on the fourth pillar of the curriculum which is Relationships as we are social beings, relationships are critical to our survival. In session six, we furthered the understanding of the transition to parenthood, began the process of understanding our partner’s internal working models, attempted to identify the fabric of our unmet needs and discussed the importance of nurturing intimacy and connectedness through allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Session seven focuses on understanding the key principles of successful partnerships. Positive parental partnerships are key for baby’s development. They are part of the foundation on which all other things are built. We’ll discuss healthy communication, deepen our understanding of listening understand the power of gratitude and a grateful state of mind.

Making Marriage Work: As we discussed in session one, a holding environment for an infant is a physical and emotional container where they are protected without knowing they are protected. Holding environments and containers are part of every relationship. The sharing of hopes and dreams, thoughts and feelings through words and behavior create a safety and intimacy necessary and essential for improving significant relationships. Couples need to share in order to help them feel connected and building trust and commitment. Marriage and partnerships take work and compromise. Loving partners and couples are attuned and attentive to each other. High rates of positive engagement pay off as good feelings accumulate and are unconsciously stored. By avoiding defensive language and responding respectfully and lovingly, partners can draw on the reservoir of good feelings when conflict arises. Having access to humor and affection during a conflict is invaluable as it deescalates bad feelings that lead to a better understanding, perspective and maintaining ‘higher road’ functioning. But humor has to be grounded in dozens of ordinary day to day exchanges of emotional information and interests and supportive behavior to be effective. As both parents recognize their need for each other, the individual strengths they bring and the important role they each play in their child’s development, they will learn to support each other’s efforts in being the best partner and best parent they can be.



Elements of Positive Partnerships: The following elements of successful partnerships are summarized from John Gottman’s SEVEN PRINCIPALS TO MAKING MARRIAGE WORK but have been amended to include the application of mindful practices.

1. Creating Love Maps: as we discussed in session six, our partners also have a history

of impactful people and events that have contributed to their own internal working models. Take the time to get to know your partner, be present without judgement. Session six

REFLECTIONS was meant to start the process of creating opportunities for further discovery. Make it a habit.

2. Nurture fondness and admiration: - consider the qualities that originally

drew them to their partners and the wonderful memories and history they have created together prior to baby. Focus on their partner’s strengths, not their weaknesses; remember their partners deserve respect and kindness.

3. Turn toward each other rather than away or against: every day,

people make attempts at connection. These are called ‘bids for emotional connection’. Mindfully choose to turn toward your partner with love and kindness embracing their ‘bidding’ attempts without judgement.

4. Honor your partner’s perspective: create an atmosphere that encourages

each other to communicate and listen honestly and openly. Using COAL, approach each other with kindness. Practice empathetic and attentive listening.

5. Approach conflict with kindness and love: use COAL and attentive and

empathetic listening and responding (covered in Maintaining Healthy Communication) when finding yourself in opposition. Approach their partner with Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance and Love. Soften the delivery of whatever message needs to be delivered. Be willing to tolerate each other’s faults; focus on strengths and be open to compromise.

6. Let your partner influence you: let their spouse/partner know that their

opinions matter and that they are both part of the same team.

7. Create shared meaning: understand important dreams and visions for the future,

share in the plan to get there. Parents who are in nurturing relationships with their partners have more positive energy for their child/children and their partners. Babies learn about relationships by mimicking how their parents model connection in their relationships. In this context it is important to note that the quality of the relationship between the parents has an important impact on the child’s behavior. In fact, that relationship becomes the blueprint for all future intimate relationships. Children learn to organize their behavior through experiencing themselves as a partner.



Heart-Centered Dialogue – Elements of Positive Partnerships:

What sorts of things do the mothers do to foster continued exploration in their relationship?

What sorts of things do they do to nurture fondness and admiration?

What sorts of things do they do to create an atmosphere that supports open communication?

How do they let their partner know their perspective matters?

What are their shared visions of the future together and as a family?

Maintaining Healthy Communication:

Stay Connected While things may seem fine, lack of involvement and communication increase distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there. Take a few minutes each day that are ‘yours’ – just your partner and you.

Wind down talk about your day.

Make ‘date night’ a priority, it doesn’t have to cost much, picnic dinner on the beach, watch a movie holding hands or schedule time to go for a walk – just reconnect and remember why you chose each other.

Create a bucket list and periodically check something off.

Find a reason to physically touch each other every day; gentle hand, kind kiss or hug.

Manage Conflict

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it

doesn't feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”Brene Brown

The key in a strong relationship is not to be fearful of conflict.

Be honest, be mindful of tone and embrace your vulnerability.

Take the time to practice attentive and empathetic listening – hear what they are saying with a calm heart.

Before you respond ask yourself:





Facilitator Note: Have the mothers repeat the above phrases as part of the Heart-Centered Dialogue section. Take a moment to have a quick discussion about the powerful nature of the above phrases and how repeating these phrases could create compassionate space to keep them on the’ high road’. See questions below.

Supportive language and nonverbal cues such as eye contact, focused attention, leaning forward or touching someone’s arm—are important parts of engaging.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/brenebrown553081.html

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/b/brenebrown553081.html

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/brene_brown.html



Whatever the ending – thank your partner ‘with the deepest gratitude’ for loving enough and caring enough to share.

Maintain Friendships Dan Siegel often emphasizes that happiness in relationships is the outcome of the balance between a healthy sense of autonomy and comfort with interdependence and intimacy. When each partner expresses too much of either autonomy or over dependence, there is risk of losing balance and harmony.

No one person can be everything or everyone in a relationship.

Having outlets takes the pressure off your partner.

Baby is important, but maintaining friends, interests and activities outside your immediate relationship;

strengthens your social network;

increases your confidence,

provides perspective,

and stimulates your relationship with your partner.

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither

can we find love or joy.”

~ Walter Anderson

Maintain Physical Intimacy Physical touch is a critical part of being human. Studies have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development in infants. These benefits extend throughout our lives. Life without the intimate connection of touch with others is a lonely life. Loving, caring and intimate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, which is a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In committed relationships between two adult partners, physical intercourse creates a closeness that is not often matched. Having a child does alter the dynamics, energy level and interest at first. Physical intimacy is an important part of being in a committed relationship. However, regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—are equally important.

Finding Humor/Have Fun “Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.”

~ Allen Klein "You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance."

~ W. Somerset Maugham Humor enlarges the space around the conflict to provide perspective. It:

Evokes our Common Humanity and binds us together.

Can address even the most sensitive relationship issues, such as sex, in-laws or different parenting strategies.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183073.html

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/w/walterande183073.html

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/walter_anderson.html



A well-timed joke or comment can ease tension and help resolve disagreements.

Humor can reframe a problem and help take hardships in stride.

It relieves physical tension, relaxes the body, lowers blood pressure and provides the ability to refocus on the importance of being in a partnership.

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Communication

Have they noticed a change in the way they communicate with their partner since baby has been born?

What do they do to stay connected with their partner?

In session six, we spoke about attentive listening; responding mindfully is just as important. How do the nature of the following phrases relating to responding in a discussion create space to keep mothers on the ‘high road’?

Before you respond ask yourself:





How do they think maintaining relationships with friends helps their relationship with your partner? What have they found to be difficult about attempts to maintain friendships?

How many laugh with their spouse or partner on a regular basis? How does their mind, body and self-feel when they connect and laugh together?

The Power of Gratitude: Lerner and Ketlner (2000, 2001) show that gratitude focuses our attention on others (e.g. instead of believing we control our fate, we start looking at others as agents of change in our lives). Gratitude has been shown to shift focus to the positive and in doing so reduces levels of stress by activating the parasympathetic nervous system.

Stress has been shown to disrupt healthy body functioning (i.e. disrupting the hypothalamic-pituitary axis, the immune system, our sleep, etc…) so being able to reduce that stress is important to our health as individuals and for the health of our families.

Studies show, children who have a secure base and whose parents are attuned to them are much more willing to part with their possessions, are more generous and less envious of the wealth of others.

Gratitude and Mindfulness: A daily gratitude self-guided meditation exercise resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to those who focused on hassles or a downward social comparison.



Keeping a gratitude journal a on a weekly basis showed that people felt better about their lives as a whole and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Being grateful activates Self-Compassion by enhancing our ability to empathize, reducing aggression and our own negativity bias. It activates our connection to Common Humanity by accepting differences and opening the door to additional more diverse relationships. Connecting with others is essential as it reduces our feelings of being alone. People who are grateful have improved self-esteem as they tend to extend the same kindness to themselves that they do to others and that kindness to themselves reduces social comparisons which tends to activate self-criticism.

We all have the capacity to cultivate gratitude so choose to create space to be grateful.

Cultivating Gratitude Take the time to notice specific new things you are grateful for every day. Gratitude journals work because they slowly change the way we perceive situations. Getting back to Rick Hanson’s ‘Take in the Good’ in session five, it takes practice to override our brain’s natural negativity bias.

It isn’t enough to say “I’m grateful for my family” you need to take the time to notice the ‘specific things that make you grateful for your family’ such as:

“My heart soared watching my kids quietly build Legos together, respectfully and lovingly today”.

“My husband rubbed my hands as we sat quietly watching TV tonight – it was incredibly soothing as the days stress slipped quietly away. I felt an overwhelming sense of connectedness and love. ”.

Write down the specific thing you are grateful for.

Take a mindful deep breath and pause while you reflect.

Engage your partner in gratitude: Giving is as good as receiving with regard to gratitude.

Look for opportunities to be grateful about things your partner does.

Include the ‘why’ you are grateful. ‘Thank you for taking the kids for the afternoon, it gave me a chance to focus on my project.’

Look for the positives in a negative situation; “I’m running late” – thanks for calling and letting me know.

Leave surprise ‘thinking of you/thank you notes’.

Praise your partner publically.

Science has demonstrated that we can alter the pathways in the brain by consciously remembering the good. Being grateful builds positive emotion and will change your brain and outlook.



Heart-Centered Dialogue - Gratitude

How do they know when they are appreciated?

How do they deal with the feelings they have when they feel appreciated?

Do they take the time to notice and acknowledge those things that make them happy and inspire gratitude with in them?

Do they take the time to let their loved ones know they are grateful or do they treat it like ‘they should be doing that’?

How do they deal with the feelings that arise as a result of not feeling appreciated?

How often do they let their partners know how grateful they are to have them in their lives?

Pause for Practice – Letter of Gratitude and Appreciation to Oneself Women are natural nurturers and tend to be the heart-center of the family. Mothers specifically, often overlook their own importance, are seldom recognized by family members for the firm foundation they provide and downplay their own role in their family. Taking the time to step back, identify those things that make us happy and embrace what we are grateful for and appreciate about ourselves, takes practice. We tend to look for appreciation from others and project outward when others do not provide us the gratitude we consciously or unconsciously think we deserve. This tends to lead to frustration, anger and shuts down listening. Gratitude is a mindset and it takes practice to overcome our natural negativity bias. Practicing gratitude is a form of self-soothing. When mothers are in a ‘soothing state of mind’ they are better to be able to present not only for their child and partner but for themselves. Pass out paper and a pen. Take two minutes to write detailed answers for each of the questions below, to be completed in group:

What are the mothers grateful for in their lives?

What do they most appreciate about themselves?



Pause for Practice – Love and Gratitude to Baby, Oneself and Partner “Skillful care giving depends on balance: the balance between love and compassion for oneself and love and compassion for another” Sharon Salzberg, from the book REAL HAPPINESS. Facilitator guide this reflective practice.

Have mothers take note of their feelings, sensations and thoughts prior to beginning this exercise.

Start with closing your eyes. Put your hand on your heart or on your belly if you are called to do so. Taking a deep breath in and hold for four, breathing in hope and happiness. Hold your breath for a count of five. Breathe out for a count of six, breathing out tension and the heaviness of any responsibilities.

Repeat the round of 4-5-6 breathing two times. Invite mothers to return their breath to normal if they are called to do so. Invite mothers to repeat the following phrases to themselves after you read them aloud.

I am grateful for the miracle of this new baby. I am grateful for the awareness that has been awakened with this new life. I am grateful for the path that lies ahead and all the experiences that we will share together. I am grateful for the love and appreciation I have found for myself. I am grateful for my health and my commitment to embrace and attend to my own needs. I am grateful for my ability to manage my expectations and enjoy every moment of this journey. I am grateful for the love, support and friendship of my partner and family. I am grateful for the perspective and insight my partner and family provide. I am grateful for the beauty of our new family and the journey we will all share together.

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Love and Gratitude

Take a few moments to discuss what mothers wrote about being grateful appreciate about themselves and did they find it difficult? Why?

Did the sensations in their bodies changes as a result of the gratitude exercise?

How do you think these reflective statements change our mindset?

Did they want to alter the grateful statements after they have had a chance to complete the Love and Gratitude exercise?

How often do they find time to acknowledge the things that make them happy?

Do they find they spend more time reflecting on what went wrong or attempting to ‘fix’ something. (Five positives to override a single negative).

How can they begin to cultivate a grateful state of mind?



Group Reading: Poem – Gratitude Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, and confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into successes, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~ Melody Beattie

Next Week’s Focus Next week’s focus review the programs highlights and associated mindful practices, Circle of Security and emotional realization. End the session with group photo and woven circle.

Deepening Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session seven REFLECTION exercise and read the following articles to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection.



S7: Reflections:

In session seven we discussed key elements of a successful of successful partnerships and how the practice of gratitude shifts our mindset to one that is more Self-Compassion focused. We talked about the importance of attentive, empathetic listening and that how we respond in tone and choice of words makes a difference.

1. What specific things are you grateful for that you bring to your relationship with your baby and with your partner?

2. What specific things are you grateful for that your partner brings to your relationship?

3. Based on the discussion of John Gottmen’s elements of successful partnerships, how are you contributing to the success of your partnership? (Creating Love Maps, nurturing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other, honoring perspective, approaching conflict with kindness, letting your partner influence you, creating shared meaning)

4. Is there something you would like your partner to do differently?

5. What do you and your partner do to bring humor and or have fun in your relationship?

During the next week before going to bed each day, identify something you are grateful for in your relationships. It can be big or small, a word or a gesture, behavior, whatever comes to mind.



Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Informal Practice: When you find yourself in conversation with your partner, be present. S.T.O.P. Listening to what they are saying. Before you respond, ask yourself, is it truthful, helpful, does it come from the heart and is it appropriate or timely.



Pause for Practice: Love and Appreciation to Oneself Gratitude and appreciation are incredibly powerful. Regular acknowledgement of the things that make us happy serve the purpose of filling a reservoir of positive feelings which enable us to keep our natural negativity bias at bay.

Take a few moments and identify and acknowledge 3-5 things that you are grateful for in your life.

Then take a few moments to acknowledge and give thanks to yourself for the some of the specific thing you do to strengthen the loving and supportive container that is cultivating your family’s foundation.

Date_____________________________________



Session Eight Facilitation Outline

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Goals:

Summarize the sessions and bring all the parts of the curriculum together clearly identifying those elements related to our natural transition to Motherhood and those elements that are mindfully focused.

Discuss the session journey and identify which pieces resonated with mothers.

Take a moment to write a letter of gratitude to baby.

Discuss the Circle of Security

Close the circle and inspire continued mindful practice and connection going forward.



Arrival & Welcome

Pause for Practice – 4-5-6 Compassion Pause

“I have arrived, I am here.”

Check-In

Review and Reflect

Session Seven Reflections

What are some of the additional things they were able to identify that they were grateful for surrounding their baby and partner?

What specific things did they identify that their partner brings to the relationship?

Based on the discussion of John Gottman’s elements of successful partnerships, how are they contributing to the success of their partnership?

How did the nightly gratitude journaling go? Did they notice a difference in making attempts to focus on the good?

Readings for Session Eight

A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day By: John Tierney Published: NY Times November 21, 2011 Understanding the Science of Gratitude By: Joel and Michelle Levey. Published: Huffington Post July 11, 2011. The Benefits of Journaling, Purcell, M. (2006). The Health Benefits of Journaling. Psych Central

15 min



Group Reading: Poem - Begin with Love After Love

The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome, and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

Group Sharing

Sessions Summaries

Session One through Seven Summaries Including the Specific Mindful Elements

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Resonations

As part of Common Humanity – Ask mothers to share what exercises or practices they found the most useful and why?

Why was it meaningful?

What mindful practice do they sense they will go back to?

What 2-3 things have you noticed that you reflect on differently as a result of the program?

What did they learn about themselves?

40 min

Transition to this Week’s Focus –

Pause for Practice: Gift and Gratitude

Write a few sentences of gratitude to their babies.

Describe in specific terms why you are grateful for them and how they have positively impacted their lives.

If they could give their child a gift, what would it be?

30 min



Circle of Security

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Circle of Security

What emotions arise when thinking about your infant becoming a toddler and beginning to learn to embrace their independence?

What sorts of things do they think they will need to embrace if they are to support a successful circle of security?

Many transitions in a long-line of transitions and change are inevitable. What sorts of things do the mothers think they can do to them help them manage the change?

20 min

Revisit Photo

Closing Circle

Choose Closing Option

Group Reading: Poem - Here. Now. You. This is it.

15 min




Session Eight Course Material

Session Eight Framework

Goals:

Summarize the sessions and bring all the parts of the curriculum together clearly identifying those elements related to our natural transition to Motherhood and those elements that are mindfully focused.

Discuss the session journey and identify which pieces resonated with mothers.

Take a moment to write a letter of gratitude to baby.

Discuss the Circle of Security

Close the circle and inspire continued mindful practice and connection going forward.


ONENESS AND SEPARATENESS, Louis Kaplan

FIRST FEELINGS, Greenspan


String and scissors – for ‘Weaving the Circle’ closing ritual, if needed to replace a broken string.

Plan to bring pens and additional paper for this week’s written REFLECTION in group.


Plan to bring the original group photo taken in session one and plan to take a final photo to be emailed to the group with final words.

Arrival & Welcome







Allow participants to get settled. Invite them to bring their hand to their heart. Breathe in in out several times slowly. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath in, breathing in nurturance and kindness and hold for four and say to yourself “I have arrived,” Hold your breath for a count of five. Exhale tension and stress for a count of six and say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat two to three times.





Review and Reflect To start the transition to this week’s lesson material, take an opportunity to discuss the week’s REFLECTIONS. Ask participants if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts.

Session Seven Reflections:

What are some of the additional things they were able to identify that they were grateful for surrounding their baby and partner?

What specific things did they identify that their partner brings to the relationship?

Based on the discussion of John Gottman’s elements of successful partnerships, how are they contributing to the success of their partnership?

How did the nightly gratitude journaling go? Did they notice a difference in making attempts to focus on the good?



Readings for Session Eight: A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day By: John Tierney Published: NY Times November 21, 2011 Understanding the Science of Gratitude By: Joel and Michelle Levey. Published: Huffington Post July 11, 2011. The Benefits of Journaling, Purcell, M. (2006). The Health Benefits of Journaling. Psych Central

Group Reading: Poem - Begin with Love After Love

The time will come when,

with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door,

in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

Group Sharing:

Take some time to allow each of the mothers to share the item they brought in that is meaningful to them.

Why is it meaningful?



Sessions Summaries:

Session One Focus: Introduction to the four pillars of the Listening Mothers™ curriculum; Mindful Self-Compassion, Self-Regulation and Attachment, Child Emotional Development and Relationships and Gratitude. Begin to understand the first pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum and how the mindful concepts of Self-Compassion, Mindfulness and Common Humanity are intertwined as part of the natural and biological transition to Motherhood. Mothers will also discuss their initial need to have their babies as their primary focus at the expense of other things and the creation of a positive holding environment.

Mindful Elements: Introduction to the concepts of Self-Compassion in Self-Kindness, Mindfulness and Common Humanity with connecting our mind and body using our detailed guided Centering Exercise of “I have arrived, I am here” and then further understand the benefits of deep breathing using 4-5-6 – Inviting Calm.

Session Two Focus:

Explored baby’s emotional development furthering the importance of the positive holding environment and begin to understand the second pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum which is Self-Regulation, Co-Regulation and Attachment. Practiced observing baby’s mannerisms to begin to identify their child’s unique character. Discuss the ‘goodness of fit’ and we explored personal temperament and how that may impact parenting styles. Further our understanding of Self-Compassion with a focus on Self-Kindness.

Mindful Elements: Deepened the capacity to identify being out of balance. Introduced the concept of Self-Kindnesses as part of the Motherhood journey by focusing on the breathing techniques of 4-5-6 as a Self-Compassion Pause and the phrase ‘I have done my best, now let go of the rest’. Create an environment through the Fist Clench exercise that triggered our ‘fight or flight’ system. Understand that through the use of mindful practices, mothers can learn to engage their parasympathetic nervous system at will supporting a return to one’s center, sense of calm and clarity. This calm gives mothers more control over their inner landscape and their ability to engage their babies in the loving and safe container they are beginning to understand. Emphasized that Self-Compassion is not indulgence, self-pity or self-esteem.

Session Three Focus: Sessions three and four introduce the third pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum focusing on the first few stages of Child Development. We discussed the process of ‘falling in love with baby’ and how the feeling of love increases our oxytocin levels. There is not a ‘magical time’ for bonding, it happens naturally as the mind is constantly evolving. Understood that relationships are an important part of a child’s cognitive development. We also recognized the importance of being ‘attuned as well as being ‘securely attached’ and discussed methods that support attachment and that fostering attunement build regulatory circuits in the brain.

Mindful Elements: Rediscovered our ‘beginner mind’ by using all of our senses to savor a sweet treasure. Introduced the concept of Mindfulness as the ability to pause and notice one’s thoughts, feelings and sensations in the present moment without judgment. Used the practice of C.O.A.L. and Sensing with Pleasure to use all of



our senses when engaging with baby. Emphasized that the practice of being present without judgement and enjoying a mindful moment IS the journey, it is the goal.

Session Four Focus: We explored ‘falling out of love with baby’ and how elements and demands of Motherhood can lead us to take the ‘low road’ of situational processing. We identified triggers that lead us to ‘flip our lids’(through the visual of Dan Siegel’s hand brain) in an attempt to maintain the higher road, but that it isn’t that we ‘flip our lids’ but rather how we repair that is important. We discuss the necessary role of a ‘good enough mother’ vs. a ‘perfect mother’ and how being ‘good enough’ contributes to building resilience, independence and a mother’s ability to begin to connect with their own needs.

Mindful Element: We discussed the last component of Self-Compassion which is the element of Common Humanity; that we are all part of something larger and that the beauty of Motherhood enables us to share a powerful bond that transcends cultures and generations. We discussed that having Self-Compassion activated enables us to keep our self-criticism at bay. We identified a Safe Place and understood when we S.T.O.P Stop, Take a Breath, Observe our feelings, thoughts and sensations and Proceed with awareness and Self-Kindness we activate our parasympathetic nervous system helping us choose the high road of processing rather than descend to the ‘low road’. We coupled this with the 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch which aides in our ability to sooth, self-regulate and bring us back to center.

Session Five Focus; Session five transitioned our focus from primarily baby, to the fourth pillar of the Listening MothersTM curriculum which focuses on the importance of Relationships and Gratitude. Through exploration of the mother’s own family dynamic, we reflected on feelings of security, patterns of communication, explored how mother’s own role models contribute to their internal working model which influences patterns of behavior in their own family. We completed our discussion of the first three phases of Winnicott’s Child Emotional Development through understanding the importance of two-way communication with baby and how communication with their primary care givers encourages development of their cognitive skills. We discussed continued ways to engage baby’s favorite playmate (parents/mother) as this attention nurtures curiosity and interest and development.

Mindful Element: We practiced the centering of 4-5-6 Compassion Pause and connected with our own Compassionate/Loving Figures following up with heart-centered dialogue regarding how internal models are shaped by our attachment histories. We also discussed our natural negatively bias and began the process of ‘taking in the good’.



Session Six Focus: Session six again focused on our fourth pillar of Relationships and Gratitude as we transitioned to parenthood for both parents. We discussed the significance of anger and how anger cloaks the underlying fabric of feelings and vulnerabilities which are essentially basic unmet needs. We discussed the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt and strategies to keep them at bay. We also discussed the power and importance of being vulnerable and how it aids in our connectedness.

Mindful Element: We furthered our practice of 4-5-6 Compassion Pause breathing with the thoughtful focus of Soothing Touch. Intentional relaxation techniques including focused breathing and touch activate the parasympathetic nervous system increasing positive emotion, balancing heart rate, lowering sense of stress and providing more control over the body’s inner landscape. We practiced attentive Listening and the appreciated the impacts to our spirit when we feel supported and heard.

Session Seven Focus: Session seven again focused on our fourth pillar of Relationships and Gratitude where we discussed elements of positive partnerships such as creating love maps, nurturing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other, honoring our partner’s perspective, approaching conflict with kindness, embracing influence and creating shared meaning. We talked about the importance of finding time to stay connected, through touch and talk, maintaining friendships, the importance of having fun and how humor not only defuses many sensitive topics but it binds us through Common Humanity.

Mindful Element: We took an opportunity to again practice the 4-5-6 Compassion Pause breathing of ‘I have arrived, I am here’. We discussed and practiced our attentive empathetic listening and also approach our partners with a C.O.A.L mindset. We repeating the following phrases to remind ourselves to be thoughtful when we respond when faced with conflict;

is my response truthful,

helpful,

from the heart

and appropriate? We then transitioned to the power of gratitude and how maintaining a grateful outlook can change our brains’ chemistry. We took the opportunity for mothers to take a moment to list what they are grateful for and what they appreciate about themselves. We also shared the mindful practice of Love and Gratitude to Baby, Oneself and Partner.

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Session Reflection As part of Common Humanity – Ask mothers to share what exercises or practices they found the most useful and why?

Which of the sessions were most impactful for mothers and why?

What mindful practice do they sense they will go back to?

What 2-3 things have you noticed that you reflect on differently as a result of the program?

What did you learn about yourself?

Please encourage participants to fill out the class survey when it is sent to we can continue to offer a quality and relevant program.




Pause for Practice: Gift and Gratitude As we have established the powerful nature of a grateful state of mind, as part of bridging the practice of gratitude from session seven, take a moment to have mother’s write a letter of gratitude to their babies. Have mother’s spend 3 minutes answering the following questions:

Write a few sentences of gratitude to their babies.

Describe in specific terms why you are grateful for them and how they have positively impacted their lives.

If they could give their child a gift, what would it be?

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Gift and Gratitude

Take a few moments to discuss mothers’ letters to their babies.

How did their bodies feel after writing the letter?

Circle of Security: The Circle of Security is a structure cultivated where focus is placed on increasing parent awareness and observation in order to recognize and respond more appropriately, more consistently, and more sensitively to a child’s needs. Being curious, adventurous, and natural explorers, we often need to go out of our ‘comfort zone’ in order to grow and learn. Having a secure base from which to launch exploration and the associated support system enables us to be ourselves, believe in our abilities and allows us to delight in our achievements when we live up to our abilities. To complete our circle, we also need a safe haven, a refuge or a place to go to, when we feel hurt, discouraged, or disappointed. Whether it is a little baby that hops and skips through the Circle of Security, or young adults exploring the different intersections with curiosity or trepidation, our needs are similar. We can only do it if we trust that we are, seen, loved, protected – safe. Child needs their parent to:

challenge their own/old ways,

take ownership of their part in the conflict/problem,

be protective of their child but providing them space to grow,

pursue help if they need to change,

take steps to stabilize their life,

parents need to recognize their child's needs,

accept & respond to their own feelings as well as their child’s,

hold the balance between oneness/connection and separateness and autonomy,



are willing to stand back and observe their child and how they themselves parent,

be willing to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.

Visual – Circle of Security

Heart-Centered Dialogue: Circle of Security

What emotions arise when thinking about your infant becoming a toddler and beginning to learn to embrace their independence?

What sorts of things do they think they will need to embrace if they are to support a successful circle of security?

Many transitions in a long-line of transitions and change are inevitable. What sorts of things do the mothers think they can do to them help them manage the change?

Revisit Photo:

Bring out mom and baby photo from session one and ask mothers to pose for a final session photo.

Plan to email the group in a closing email.

Closing Circle: There are several options by which you can choose to close the session.

Option 1 Weaving the Circle: With participants have them touch their string and recite a word that has resonated most consistently for them throughout the week about their journey through the program. An additional option: If you have collected the words throughout the sessions you could read them in order of occurrence as a living poem or do something like create a word cloud via any of the listed sites to create a collage to be distributed to the group:

http://www.tagxedo.com/

http://worditout.com/word-cloud/make-a-new-one

http://www.wordle.net/

http://www.edudemic.com/word-cloud-generators/

Option 2: Wishing Well Have participants sit in a circle legs crossed if they can with knees touching. Have babies in the center of the circle if possible out of carriers. Loving Kindness to oneself Have participants close their eyes, take a deep breath and breathe kindness onto oneself. May I be happy, May I be safe,

http://www.tagxedo.com/

http://worditout.com/word-cloud/make-a-new-one

http://www.wordle.net/

http://www.edudemic.com/word-cloud-generators/



May I be healthy, May I live with peace. Loving Kindness to the person on your right As you touch the person next to you and visualize the following phrases and feelings of hope, happiness, joy and the deepest well-being to the person on either side of you. May you be happy, May you be safe, May you be healthy , May you leave with peace. Loving Kindness to all the babies in the room Now turn your focus towards all the babies in the room and guide your mind to feelings of wisdom, openness, kindness, health and happiness. And say the following phases to yourself: May you be happy, May you be safe, May you be healthy , May you leave with peace. Slowly bring yourself back to center and open your eyes. Now repeat after me, May everyone around us be healthy, happy, safe and live with peace.

Option 3: Goodbye Ritual: If choose to do the discussion above, would opt for a different closing ritual. Goodbye ritual adapted from MBCP by Nancy Bardacke Materials:

mirror

stones

candles

lighter

Set Up: Set up mirror in center of circle with stones on it. Give one candle to each mother; facilitators participate, too.

The mirror represents mindful awareness--the non-judging reflective capacity of the human mind. The mirror doesn't judge, it just reflects what is.

The candles represent illumination, clarity and insight.

The stones represent the feeling of being grounded and fully present in the moment and how mindfulness practice soothes our rough edges.

Take a moment to reflect on what we’ve learned over these eight weeks, about ourselves, about our babies, about our partners and our relationships.



Invite mothers to take their candle and to place them on the mirror and if they’d like, to share one thing with the group about what they learned and will carry with them or an intention they would like to set for yourself going forward. Then ask them to choose a stone to keep. The stone is their diploma and something they can use as a reminder of practicing mindfulness, compassion, and self-compassion in parenting. After everyone has shared, few breaths, moment of mindfulness.

Group Reading: Poem - Here. Now. You. This is it. Always we hope someone else has the answer, some other place will be better, some other time, it will turn out. This is it. No one else has the answer, no other place will be better, and it has already turned out. At the center of your being, you have the answer: you know who you are and you know what you want. There is no need to run outside for better seeing, nor to peer from a window. Rather abide at the center of your being: for the more you leave it, the less you learn. Search your heart and see the way to do is to be.

-Lao Tzu



End of Session Summary: As a final email to participating mothers, plan to send the group photo, and parting words. Please include the link to the survey which can be found on the website or obtained by emailing [email protected]. Thank you for your time, energy and passion around this great work. It is through your thoughtful deliver of our Listening MothersTM program we can expose and encourage mothers towards mindfulness one mother at a time.

mailto:[email protected]



Pause for Practice: Letter of Gratitude to Baby We’ve talked a lot about gratitude and the changes our brain experiences when we have a grateful state of mind. Take a few moments during this last group to write a letter of gratitude to your baby that identifies 3-5 specific things that you are grateful for about your baby and the awareness that has been awakened by this new life. Plan to save this and show them. Date_____________________________________

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