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Code Of The Brotherhood (Cap 89, 2008 Rev.Ed) · 2008-09-04 · CODE OF THE BROTHERHOOD [CAP 89,...
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CODE OF THE BROTHERHOOD [CAP 89, 2008 REV. ED.] 1 PART I: SCARED OBLIGATIONS ARTICLE 1: Preamble (1) Bros before hoes. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. (2) Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone. ARTICLE 2: Last Beer Standing Never drink the last beer, unless you've been granted specific permission that it's OK. ARTICLE 3: Chick Availability (1) If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time: a. Was an ex‐girlfriend. b. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her. c. Is you're buddy's sister. (2) However, if it's your buddy's cousin, well she's up for grabs, and you're welcome to rub it in his face for years to come. ARTICLE 4: Jokes Never diss, laugh, disgruntle, vex or annoy a bro if his team just lost a crushing game.. ARTICLE 5: Pets You must never own a cat.
Transcript of Code Of The Brotherhood (Cap 89, 2008 Rev.Ed) · 2008-09-04 · CODE OF THE BROTHERHOOD [CAP 89,...
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CODEOFTHEBROTHERHOOD[CAP89,2008REV.ED.]
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PARTI:SCAREDOBLIGATIONS
ARTICLE1:Preamble
(1) Brosbeforehoes.Alwaysremember,girlfriendscomeandgo,butyourboysarealwaysthere.
(2) BreakingthisruleistocommitthecardinalsinagainstTeamTestosterone.
ARTICLE2:LastBeerStanding
Neverdrinkthelastbeer,unlessyou'vebeengrantedspecificpermissionthatit'sOK.
ARTICLE3:ChickAvailability
(1) Ifagirlfallsintothefollowingcriteria,sheisofflimitsforeveruntiltheendoftime:
a. Wasanex‐girlfriend.b. Yourfriendspecificallytoldyouhewantedher.c. Isyou'rebuddy'ssister.
(2) However,ifit'syourbuddy'scousin,wellshe'supforgrabs,andyou'rewelcometorubitinhisfaceforyearstocome.
ARTICLE4:Jokes
Neverdiss,laugh,disgruntle,vexorannoyabroifhisteamjustlostacrushinggame..
ARTICLE5:Pets
Youmustneverownacat.
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ARTICLE6:TicketstoanEvent
(1) Ifyouget2ticketstothebiggame/gig/event,theprioritylistforgrantingthesecondticketisasfollows.
a. Yourbestbro(inorderofhowlongyou'veknownthemorbasedondefinitionofa‘bro’underAppendix).
b. Youracquaintances.c. Yourco‐workers.d. Themailman.e. Arandomguy–potentialbromaterialf. …….g. ….a. Yourgirlfriend.
ARTICLE7:LimitationsonFeminine/HomoTendencies
(1) YouareallowedtoenjoyexactlyonechickTVshow,andonechickflick.Youmayhavenomore.(AndifyoulikeNotebookorWalktoRemember,well,we'realreadytoolate)
ARTICLE8:Gifts
BirthdayandChristmaspresentsforyourguyfriendsareoptional.Beeralwaysmakesagreatgift.
ARTICLE9:PubHouseRules
Ifyougotothebarwithyourbros,youmustbuyaroundofdrinksatleastonce.
ARTICLE10:GameOn
TherearenomercyruleswhenplayingsomeoneinPoker,streethockey,bare‐fistedboxing,etc.(Otherwise,sportsknownas‘bro‐sports’)
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CODEOFTHEBROTHERHOOD[CAP89,2008REV.ED.]
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ARTICLE11:BroDebt
(1) Ifyouoweyourbromoney,paythembackassoonashumanlypossible—unlessit'sagamblingdebt,whichmustbepaidimmediatelyunless
a. Youarebrokeandgayprostitutionistheonlysolutiontopaybackthedebt
b. Mutualconsensusunderscaredoath
ARTICLE12:MeaninglessConversation
(1) Whenonebroengagesafellowbroinapoliticaldebate,saiddebateshallremaincivilandingoodspirits.
(2) Shouldsaiddebatebecomeanargument,thebrowhoinitiatedthe"argument"shallslaphimselfandthendowntwoMillerChills.
(3) Thisbrowillthen,intheproceedingGubernatorial,Congressional,orPresidentialelection,voteforthecandidateofhisfellowBro'schoosing
ARTICLE13:PublicDisplaysofAffection
NOPDA(PublicDisplaysofAffection).Hey,congratulations,anothergirlcanstandthesightofyou.Youdon'tneedtowearherlikeafuckingtrophy.
ARTICLE14:Cheating–AllFairInLove&War
(1) It'salrighttocheatatanygamewheremoneyisn'tinvolved.(2) Incertaincircumstances,relationshipsmaybeclassifiedas"games."
a. Whentherelationshipislessthan2hoursb. Whentherelationshipfallswithinthecategoryof‘relationshit’c. Afterhavingengaginginsexualintercoursewithinthe6hoursofmeeting
theoppositegender
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ARTICLE15:Gym
Don'ttellotherguyselaboratestoriesaboutyourweightliftingexerciseroutine.Noonecares.
ARTICLE16:Sports&Beyond
(1) Neveropenlyquestionanotherguy'ssportswisdom,unlesssaidinformationspecificallypertainstoyourfavoriteteam.
(2) Itdoesn'tmatterhowludicroustheotherguysoundstellingyouthatFrankLampardwasbetterthanStevenGerrardlastseason,lethimbe.
ARTICLE17:GirlfriendCalls
Whenoutwiththeguys,neveracceptacallfromyourgirlfriend—unlessshe'sdyingortrappedunderaburningfueltruck,andifthat'sthecasemakeitquick.
ARTICLE18:PeeRule
(1) Alwaysallowabufferzoneaturinalsandoncouchesa. Aturinals–brosshouldatalltimesstand2urinalsaway.If,thereareno2
urinalsavailablewhichsatisfythisrequirement:i. onebromustuseacubicleorii. holdtilltheotherbrofinisheshisbusiness
ARTICLE19:ZoneLimitations
(1) Nevershareabedwithaguy,unlessthere'snowayaroundit.
ARTICLE20:RepeatArticle1NOW
BrosBeforeHoes.Iknow,Ialreadyusedit.Ican'tstressitenough,though.Itisabsolutelyinfuriatinghowmanyofmyguyfriendshavebecomeinsufferabledickssincethey'vegoneoutwithsomeone.
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ARTICLE21:ExclusivityRightstoBroFriendship
(1) BroswillnotbeassumedtobeexclusiveunlesseachhasexplicitlygrantedtheotherexclusiveBrorights.
(2) IfaBroisnotexclusivethenaBromayhavemorethanoneBro.(3) However,uponbecomingexclusive,saidBromustbreakanyBrotieswithall
otherBros.
ARTICLE26:GirlFight
(1) Abrowill,inatimelymanner,alerthisbrototheexistenceofagirlfight."ABromustneverhesitatebeforecommunicatingthepossibilityoffisticuffsbetweentwohumansofthefemalevariety[[HENCEFORTH"GIRLFIGHT"]],inanefforttomakepossibleandprobablethatanotherBroorBroscanpartakeinobservation.
(2) SaidBromustuseanyandallmethodsofmediadistributionathisdisposal,includingbutnotlimitedto:
a. Telecommunicationsb. elbownudgingc. fiberoptics,d. theexpressdeliveryservices,ande. postcards.
(3) IfaninformedBroisunabletowitnessthegirlfightfirsthand,thespotterBrois
responsiblefordocumentingandrelatingdetailsofthegirlfightviapictures,video,orbarringanyotherreasonablemethod,interpretivedanceand/orpantomim
ARTICLE27:Plagiarism
IfaBrocatchesanotherBroinplagiarism‐albeitawesomeplagiarism‐aBroshallberequiredtoasktheBrotocitehissource.
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ARTICLE34:Devil’sThreeway
(1) Broscannotmakeeye‐contactduringaDevil'sThreeway(2) Guysmustnottouch,exceptwhenmotivatedtohigh‐fiveorknucklebump.(3) Anythree‐waysinvolvingStephenBaldwinorJunyiarediscouragedatallcosts.
ARTICLE37:NameCalling
(1) IfoneBrocallsanotherBroadouchethensaidnamingmustbeconfirmedbyanotherBroevenifthethirdBroisachick.
(2) Thisnamingonlyrequiresa"second"byanyBroanddoesnotrequireamajorityvotebyallBrosinvolved.
ARTICLE40:LoveThyNeighBro
Lovethyneigh‐bro
ARTICLE50:BroPayment&Repayments
(1) Thebrowiththebetterpayingjobisrequiredtobuythefirstround.(2) Iftheotherbroistemporarilyoutofmoneyorlefthiswalletathomedrinkscan
belendedyetinthelongrunthesedrinksmustberepaidwhichcanbeintheformof:
a. Wingmanservicesorb. anyotheractofentertainmentoratthenextgatheringorthatparticular
nightinquestionc. Beerd. Cash(thisisthelastresort–thismethodishighlydiscouraged)
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PARTII:EMERGENCY
ARTICLE53:Protection991
(1) ABrowill,wheneverpossible,providehisBrowithprotection.(2) IntheeventthatoneBrofindshimselflackingthenecessaryprophylactic
accoutrementsneededtocompletetheactofcoitusinasafeandeffectivemanner,heisintherighttoexpecthisBrowilluseallmeasureswithinorwithouthismeanstoprovidetheaforementionedprophylacticinatimelyyetdiscreetfashion.
(3) WhenaBrosignalshisneedusingpreviouslyagreeduponcodewordsand/orbodysignage,itisunderstoodthathisBrowilldiscontinueallpresentactivityexcepting
a. theactofcoitusitself[wherebywhichBrovowstofinishasquicklyaspossible]],
(4) SaidbromustrespondwithapanoplyofoptionsatBro‐in‐need'slocation.ABromustpatronizethemostrapidmethodoftransportationavailablewhileendeavoringtoassisthisBro;
a. Innoinstancemayatwo‐wheeledbicyclebeused*asthisisnotonlyhumiliating,butalsopotentiallyharmfultotheperineum‐azoneoftissueperilouslyadjacenttonotedsexualorgans.
(5) Intheeventthatastate,federal,international,orgalacticlawisbreachedduetorecklessness,unacceptablelevelsofspeed,and/orthehijackingofanairbornevehicle(s),itisunderstoodthattheprimaryBrowillshoulderanyassociatedlegalfeesorfines.
(6) However,anycostsordamagesincurredfromtheuseofpublictransportationaretheresponsibilityofthesecondaryBroaloneasthisisaninstanceofQuidProBro.
(7) UponarrivalattheprimaryBro'slocation,thesecondaryBromustexercisecompletediscretionsoasnottodisrupttheprimaryBro's"flow."
(8) ItisunderstoodthataBrowillengageinalltrainingnecessarytoachievethisobjective,including,atminimum,afivemonthNinjitsucurriculummasteringthetwinartsofstealthandsecrecy.**
*UnlessabicycleistheONLYformoftransportation,asinsomeCambodianvillages**SEEAPPENDIX:"Listofapprovedninjatrainingfacilitiesanddojos."
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PARTIII:BOUNDARYLIMITATIONS
ARTICLE56:SportingScores
ABroshallneverrevealthescoreofasportingeventtoanotherBrountilthatBrohasthriceconfirmedit’scool.
ARTICLE57:ChickRatioAtAParty
ABromaynotspeculateontheexpectedBro/chickratioofapartyorvenuewithoutfirstdisclosingthepresent‐timeobservedratio.
ARTICLE58:Notifications
IfaBro,forwhateverreason,becomesawareofanotherBro’sgirlfriend’sbirthdayand/oranniversarydate,heshallendeavortomakethatinformationavailabletohisBro,regardlesswhetherhethinkshisBroalreadyknows.
ARTICLE60:110%Effort
ShouldaBrobeneartoclosingwithagirl,hisBroshalldoanythingwithinhismeanstoensurethedesiredoutcome,uptoandincludingtheseductionofsaidgirl’swildlyunattractivecousin/friend/mother(referArticle89).
ARTICLE61:RespectThyParents
ABroshallhonorhisfatherandmotherirrespectiveoftheiractions
ARTICLE62:TargetsAcquired
IntheeventthattwoBrosacquirethesametarget,theBrowiththelongerdryspellhasdibs.Shouldthedryspellsbeofequallength,thebrowiththelowersexcountwins.
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ARTICLE63:AdultMaterial
(1) InascenarioinwhichtwoormoreBrosareengagedinentertainmentoftheadultvariety,oneBroisforbiddenfromintentionallyorunintentionally;
a. touchinganotherBroinANYcapacity,includingbutnotlimitedto;i. thehighfive,ii. thefistbump,oriii. thecongratulatoryglutealpat.iv. Winkingisalsokindofano‐no.
ARTICLE64:SportTicketProvisions
ABromuchprovidehisbrowithatickettoaneventifsaideventinvolvesthesecondBro’sfavoritesportsteaminaplayoffscenario.
ARTICLE65:PubHouseRules
ABromustalwaysreciprocatearoundofdrink(s)amongBroswiththeprovisothatnoexistingwagersupersedesthispurchaseandexchangeofspirits.
ARTICLE66:RelationshipBreakups
IfaBrosufferspainfromapermanentdissolutionofarelationshipwithaladyfriend,aBroshalloffernothingmorethana“thatsucks,man”andcopiousquantitiesofbeer.ABrowillalsorefrainfrompejorativecommentary–deservedornot–regardingsaidladyfriendforaperiodofthreemonths,whentherequisiteBACKSLIDEWINDOWhasclosed.
ARTICLE67:InstrumentsUsedAtParties
ShouldaBropickupaguitaratapartyandcommenceplaying,anotherBroshallpointoutthatheisatool.
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ARTICLE68:PriorityStreaks
IfaBroisonahotstreak,anotherBrowilldoeverythingpossiblytoensureitslongevity,evenifthatincludesjeopardizinghisownrecords,themissingofwork,ortemporarilyimmigratingtoaforeigncountry.
ARTICLE77:TearRule
(1) ABronevercries.(2) Unless;
a. NEVER;abronevercries.PERIOD
ARTICLE80:SlapBets
(1) Wheninaslapbetthybromustalwaysobeytherulesoftheslapbet.(2) Ifcaughtcheatinginaslapbettheselectedslapbetcoordinatormustrulethe
consequencesofhowmanymoreslapsmustbegiventothycheater
ARTICLE87:“Yes’Rule
"ABroshallatalltimessay'Yes'"
ARTICLE89:MomException
(1) "ABromayneverpursuethemomofanotherBro."(2) BeithereresolvedthatatnopointisitpermissibleforoneBrotoengagein
carnaldelicacieswithanotherBro'smother.(3) However,allowedandencouragedforoneBrotographicallysuggesttoaBrothe
athleticfeats,animalia,and/ormachineryutilizedduringafictionalencounterwithhismom.[[NOTABENE:ItiscustomaryforaBrotoavoidsuchBrocularityifhisBro'smomisa9orbetter,forfearofOedipalinducement.]]
(4) ShouldaBrodiscoverhisBroisinfactadopted,heisfreetopursuehisBro'sadoptivemother,butonlyafterfirstcorroboratingnon‐biologicalparentagethroughnotarizedbirthcertificates,hospitalrecords,orcomparativedioxyribonucleicacidgelelectrophoresis,whicheveriseasiest.
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(5) SincetheadoptedBrocannotlegitimatelyclaimtohavesharedacanalwithhisBro.
(6) ThoughthemomofaBroisalwaysofflimits,thestep‐momofaBroisallowedifsheinitiatesitand/oriswearingatleastonearticleofleopardprintclothing(Ifshelooksgoodinit.)
