HR B3

Clear Writing –

Fight the fog Exercises

Human Resources and Security Learning and Development

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Training developed for the European Commission by DEMOS under the terms of a framework contract.

www.demos.fr

www.demosgroup.com

This training manual complies with EMAS rules.

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Creative vs Expository Writing The writer of the following passage seems confused about the difference between creative writing and expository writing. Can you explain why? The first case was settled for €200,000, and the second piece of litigation was disposed of out of court for €300,000, while the price of the amicable accord reached in the third suit was €500,000. Something similar could also be said of the person who wrote this. Why? However, the current situation being as previously herein described, and notwithstanding any indications to the contrary, in the absence of any further and more detailed subsequent information being made available at a later point in time, the conclusion which the writer is compelled to reach regarding the matter is ... On the next 2 pages are 2 letters. Read each letter and make some notes about them, such as who you think the reader is, the language used, length of sentences, layout. Consider, in particular, which letter you would prefer to write, and which letter you would prefer to read? Discuss.

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Letter 1 Dear _____________: You are kindly requested to furnish medical evidence in support of your pending claim for pension payments. The best type of evidence to submit would be either a report of a recent medical examination by your personal physician, or a report from a hospital or clinic that you have presented yourself at for treatment recently. The said report should include total and complete findings and diagnoses of the condition which you claim has rendered you permanently and totally disabled. It is not necessary for you to actually receive an examination at this point in time. It is only required that a report from a doctor, hospital, or clinic that has treated you recently is forwarded. This evidence should be submitted as soon as possible, preferably on or before 60 days. If receipt of this information is not within 60 days from the date of this letter, your claim will be denied. Evidence must be received by the Department of Social Security within one year from the date of this letter; otherwise, benefits, if entitlement is established, may not be paid prior to the date of its receipt. SHOW FULL NAME AND Soc.Sec. FILE NUMBER ON ALL EVIDENCE SUBMITTED. Privacy Act Information: The information requested by this letter is duly authorized by existing law (38 E.U. 210 (c)(1)) and is considered necessary and relevant to determine entitlement to maximum benefits applied for under the law. The information submitted may be disclosed outside the Department of Social Security only as permitted by law. ____________________ Adjudication Officer

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Letter 2

Dear _______________:

We received your claim for a pension on (date). The law requires us to ask you for more information to decide if you are entitled to a pension.

What We Need

Please send us a medical report from a doctor or clinic you have visited in the past six months. The report should show why you cannot go back to work.

You may take this letter and the enclosed Guide to your doctor. It explains exactly what information should be included in the report.

When We Need It

We need the doctor's report by November 17, 2007. We will have to refuse your claim if we don't get the report by that date.

Your Right to Privacy

The information you give us is private. We might have to give out this information in a few special cases. But we will not give it out to the general public without your permission. We've attached a form which explains your privacy rights.

If you have any questions about this letter, you may call us at 44-800-827-100. The call is free.

Yours Sincerely,

__________________

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Clear Writing Start With Clear Thinking Some people are naturally-gifted writers—the rest of us have to work at it, in which case it helps if you can follow a process. Depending on how complex your document needs to be, there are up to 5 steps in the writing process: • Thinking, • Planning, • Writing, • Revising, • Editing. —Exercise Here are 5 ‘personalities’, each with different skills which are very useful during the different parts of the process. See if you can match the personality to the process step and make some notes about what qualities the personality might have which would be useful to your writing. Inspector Genius Judge Builder/Carpenter Architect

Process Step

Personality’ Useful Qualities

Thinking

Planning

Writing

Revising

Editing

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Writing: Precise Information + Logically Linked The first sentence in a paragraph is usually the topic sentence. By stating the controlling idea, the topic sentence focuses the reader’s mind. As well, with well-introduced paragraphs, your writing will become much more skimmable: readers who are in a hurry will get your point efficiently. Good paragraph openers contain a transitional word or phrase to ease the reader’s way from one paragraph to the next. Readers can then immediately understand whether the new paragraph amplifies what has preceded, contrasts with it, or follows it in some other way. A good paragraph opener establishes a connection by using one or two of the following devices: • Pointing words—words like this, that, these, those, and the. • Echo links—words or phrases in which a previously idea reverberates. • Explicit connectives—transition words such as further, also, therefore. Here is a list of some explicit connectives. • When adding a point: also, and, in addition, besides, similarly, nor, along with, likewise,

too, moreover, further • When giving an example: for instance, for example, as one example, likewise, another • When restating: that is, this means, in short, again • When introducing a cause: because, since, when • When introducing a result: so, as a result, thus, therefore, accordingly, then • When contrasting: but, instead, yet, however, still, nevertheless, conversely, whereas,

in contrast to, unfortunately • When qualifying: of course, admittedly, though, even though, even if, only if, true, while,

naturally, in some cases, occasionally, if, despite • When pressing a point: in fact, indeed, of course, without exception, still, even so,

anyway, assuredly • When explaining a sentence: that is, then, earlier, previously, meanwhile, now, until

now, later, eventually, finally • When summing up: to summarise, to sum up, to conclude, in short, so, consequently • When sequencing ideas: First, ... Second, ... Third, ... Finally

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Writing: Precise Information + Logically Linked —Exercise The following sentences are consecutive paragraph openers from Lawrence Friedman’s Crime and Punishment in American History (1993). Identify the bridging words, as well as the bridging method (pointing word, echo link, explicit connective), in each paragraph opener, beginning with the second. Remember that each of these paragraph openers is followed by several other sentences in the paragraph. You’re not trying to link the sentences listed; rather, you’re trying to spot words in each paragraph opener that relate explicitly to what must have come at the end of the preceding paragraph. 1. The automobile made its first appearance on the streets, for all practical purposes, in

the first decade of this century. 2. By 1940, the United States had become an automobile society. 3. The numbers have continued to rise, as automobiles choke the roads and highways,

and millions of people, living in the land of suburban sprawl, use the automobile as their lifeline—connecting them to work, shopping, and the outside world in general.

4. Thus, a person who parks overtime and gets a ‘ticket’ will get an order to appear in court and face the music.

5. In many localities, traffic matters were handled by municipal courts, police courts, justices of the peace, and sometimes specialised departments of a municipal court.

6. The traffic court judge, as one would expect, did not have the prestige and dignity of a higher-grade judge.

7. The root of all this evil was, perhaps, the fact that defendants did not—and do not—see themselves as criminals, but rather as unlucky people who got caught breaking a rule that everybody breaks once in a while.

8. This attitude came to the surface in a 1958 American Bar Association report on traffic matters in Oklahoma.

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Revising: As Short As Possible When you revise, there are ways to shorten sentences. Omit needless words. The following sentence is 35 words long. It isn’t overlong, but it’s still verbose. It is not necessary that an investment adviser’s compensation be paid directly by the person receiving investment advisory services, but only that the investment adviser receive compensation from some source for his or her services. See if you can rewrite the sentence to be only 15 words long, without loss in meaning. Imagine how this helps in sentence after sentence, paragraph after paragraph.

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Replace compound constructions. It also helps if you replace compound constructions with a shorter equivalent.

Replace this With this

an adequate number of enough

a number of several, many

a sufficient number of enough

at the present time now

at the time when when

at this point in time now

at that point in time then

during such time as while

during the course of during

for the reason that because

in the event that if

in the near future soon

is able to can

notwithstanding the fact that although

on a daily basis daily

on the ground that because

prior to before

subsequent to after

the majority of most

until such time as until

by means of by

by reason of because of

by virtue of by, under

for the purpose of to

in accordance with by, under

in as much as since

in connection with with, about, concerning

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in favour of for

in order to to

in relation to about, concerning

in the nature of like

with a view to to

with reference to about, concerning

in some instances sometimes

in many cases often

in the situation in which when

during the time that during, when

for the period that during, while

insofar as ... is concerned (omit it and start with the subject)

there is no doubt but that doubtless, no doubt

the question as to whether whether, the question whether

This is a topic that this topic

the fact that (omit it)

—Exercise Look through the list above and make a note of any constructions in the left-hand column that you use regularly.

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Identify the circumlocutions in the sentences below, then rewrite the sentences so that they are more concise. • Please note that we are unable to provide contractors with access to the Commission

Intranet in view of the fact that they are not members of Commission staff. • Until such time as we are in possession of more information, we will be unable to supply a

satisfactory reply to your inquiry. • In the event that there is a long time delay, there is concern that the agreement so far

reached could falter owing to the fact that too many issues are still unresolved or not decided.

• At this point in time, the Commission is not in a position to say if the programme developed

for the transition from humanitarian assistance to development aid has been successful. • The representative said that she was of the opinion that the preliminary forecast had been

well received in spite of the fact that revisions would be necessary. • He underlined the importance of these new technologies in the near future from the point of

view of social and ecological implications. • As a result of strong concerns expressed by the EC delegation, members have submitted a

request for more elaborate information with a view to making a final assessment in the next committee.

• It seems there would be a possibility to set up a greater number of research institutes for

the purpose of further developing agricultural policies. • Prior to the start of the meeting, the vice-chair had indicated that he wanted to give up this

role as of the next board meeting. • In the event that visitors are not in possession of personal identification, the security guard

will not be in a position to grant them access to the building.

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Convert nominalizations back into verbs. Consultants don’t assess program results—they conduct an assessment of program results. Politicians don’t meet and decide—they attend a meeting and reach a decision. When you use a nominalization unnecessarily, you generally have to support the resulting noun with another verb and a preposition.

You can spot common nominalizations by their ending s:

-al -ment -ant

-ence -ion -ent

-ancy -ency -ance

-ity

Some examples:

Nominalization Better Wording

conduct an examination of examine

make provision for provide for

provide a description of describe

submit an application apply

take into consideration consider

—Exercise Improve the following passage by changing all but one or two of the nominalizations. Do any nominalizations need to stay? An interested party may make an application for a modification or revocation of an anti-dumping order (or termination of a suspension agreement) in conjunction with an annual administrative review. A revocation application will normally receive no consideration by the board unless there have been no sales at less than fair value for a period of at least three consecutive years.

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Find the hidden main verb in the sentences below and rewrite the sentences. 1. The researchers must conduct an investigation into food safety and consumer

protection. 2. The unit’s expectation was an earlier receipt of the documentation. 3. The meeting reached the decision to postpone the implementation until the New

Year. 4. A calculation of financial forecasts has been made on the basis of rates observed

during the last quarter. 5. An invitation has been extended to participants to alert the unit to any errors in the

preliminary results, so that corrections can be made accordingly. 6. There are expectations in the Commission that the answer to queries will be made

quickly and efficiently according to the deadlines. 7. An agreement has been reached for the allocation of extra funds in emergency

situations. 8. A summary of the decisions made and the actions to be taken were recorded in the

minutes. 9. Expectations for an acceleration of growth in 2005 are predicted, given the

favourable European climate. 10. The preparation of the proposal for the new procedures must be completed by the

end of the year.

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Prefer the active voice over the passive Remember it this way: if you’re active, you do things; if you’re passive, things are done to you. The active voice typically has four advantages over the passive: • It usually requires fewer words. • It better reflects a chronologically ordered sequence. • It makes the reader’s job easier because its syntax meets the English-speaker’s

expectation that the sentence subject will perform the action of the verb. • It makes the writing more vigorous and lively. However, there are times when the passive is useful. Do you know when they are? —Exercise Count the passive-voice constructions in the following paragraph. Decide which ones you would change to active voice. Change them. During the taxable years at issue, the replacement fuel assemblies had not begun to be used by the company for their specifically assigned function, namely, to generate electrical power through nuclear fission. Nor were the assemblies placed in a state of readiness for their intended use during the years in which they were acquired. That did not occur until the spring of 2000, when, after more than a year of careful planning, the reactor was shut down, various maintenance tasks were performed, spent fuel assemblies were removed, the reactor was reconfigured using the new fuel assemblies in conjunction with partially spent assemblies that were not replaced and low power testing was performed to ensure that the reconfigured reactor core performed safely in accordance with specifications. Only after those procedures had been successfully completed did the replacement fuel assemblies generate salable electric power and, hence, income to taxpayer. Only at that point could the replacement fuel assemblies be considered to have been placed in service.

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Revise for Eurospeak and False Friends —Exercise Rewrite the following sentences, replacing the words in bold: Today’s training action is designed to introduce you to the work of DG X. The Commission will launch an action to tell citizens about the new border arrangements. Your affectation to DG X will take effect on April 1. Delegations will find annexed a copy of the report. You may send your candidature to DG X. Controls of budget spending are made by the Court of Auditors. A note was diffused to the DG X correspondents in the Member States. DG X disposes of a large budget. Budget engagements come to €3 million. Send your eventual comments on this guide to V/2. The evolution of this matter will be watched with interest. The program will be executed in three stages.

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The Chairman exposed the difficult situation to the meeting. Schemes in favour of refugees will be launched next year. Globally , delegates were satisfied with the meeting. Ms X asked whether DG X would be implicated in the exercise. An important sum of money has been earmarked for the ESF. The financial package was not very interesting . The Chairman thanked Dr Y for her intervention and concluded the meeting. Please join a copy of your CV. The Director will normally come to today’s meeting. We must follow the orientations set out in the strategy paper. I have resumed the main points of the meeting. The matter is being dealt with by our services .

Unfortunately, the Head of Unit could not assist the meeting.

Lastly, the conditions were accepted.

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The assessment showed that the country had good perspectives.

The inspectors are responsible for carrying out controls.

An eventual delay could damage the agreement reached.

The annexes can be found behind the document.

Please could you remember all staff that badges must be displayed on entry.

The meeting was sensible and needed to be reported until next week.

He summarised the meeting shortly.

In case visitors do not have identification, they will not be granted access.

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MORE EXERCISES HOW TO DO THESE EXERCISES Each exercise has three texts labelled "Original", "Analysis", and "Revision". The procedure is as follows: 1. Cover the page so that only the "Original" is visible, and read the text. 2. As you read, and with everything else still covered, make notes about what you think needs to be done to improve the "Original". 3. Uncover the "Analysis" and compare it with your notes. 4. Rewrite the text. S. Finally, compare your work to the "Revision". EXERCISE A Original A piece of electronic equipment installed in automobiles could allow insurance companies to monitor the driving behaviour of their customers. Each time a motorist uses the car, the device will record the roads being travelled and the time of the journey, and send the information via satellite to the insurance company. With this data, the company will be able to calculate the insurance premium for each individual journey based on the relative risk of crashes on the different roads at different times of the day. The motorist will receive a monthly or quarterly "usage statement", similar to a telephone bill, itemising the insurance cost for each use of the car. By agreeing to the system, motorists could save hundreds of euros on their automobile insurance. Because of the lower risk of crashes, trips on superhighways will cost less per kilometre than on city roads and .... Analysis This text ignores the expository writing attitude: No one wants to read what you are going to write. In other words, it fails to answer the all-important question: Why would anyone want to read this? The lead could be of interest to "techno-nerds" (people with a natural interest in science and technology), but what about everyone else? Revision Motorists could save hundreds of euros on their automobile insurance by allowing their driving habits to be monitored by a satellite-tracking device installed in the vehicle. Each time a motorist uses the car, the device will record the roads being travelled and the time of the journey, and send the information to the insurance company. The company will then calculate the insurance premium based on an assessment of the relative risk of crashes on the different roads at different times of the day. Motorists will receive a monthly or quarterly "usage statement", similar to a telephone bill, giving the insurance cost for each journey. Because of the lower risk of crashes, trips on superhighways will cost less per kilometre than on city roads and .... Simply moving the fourth paragraph of the Original to the first paragraph of the Revision charges everything. Who wouldn't want to know how to save hundreds of euros on their automobile insurance?

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EXERCISE B Organising information The following information is given piece by piece. Your task is to weave it into a clear, concise, dense paragraph. You are not required to use all the information. Remember, according to our definition of clarity, if there is something of "no importance", you should leave it out. Original 1. On May 29, France will vote on the European Union Constitution. 2. Five consecutive opinion polls show that the Constitution will be rejected in the French referendum. 3. Each opinion poll has been increasingly negative. 4. The situation is grave, and troubling. 5. France is one of the founders of the EU. 6. Until now, it has been considered one of the leading pillars of the EU. 7. A no vote in France could seriously influence referendums in other EU countries. 8. President Jacques Chirac is a strong supporter of the EU Constitution. 9. The referendum is not required under French law. 10. President Chirac took the decision to hold the referendum. 11. Apparently he believes that he will be able to capitalise politically through a split of the French Socialists over the EU Constitution. Analysis No analysis. Go directly to writing your text. Revision There is no right or wrong answer to this exercise. Everyone has his own style and will apply the principles of good expository writing differently. As examples, below are three different versions.

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Revision 1 President Jacques Chirac is heading for a heavy political defeat May 29 when France holds its referendum on the European Union Constitution. Five consecutive opinion polls strongly indicate that the vote will almost certainly be negative despite President Chirac's strong support. Although the referendum is not required under French law, President Chirac called it in expectation that the opposition Socialists would split on the issue, thereby strengthening his government. Revision 1 focuses on the political fortunes of Jacques Chirac, not the broader influence of the French referendum. Items 3,4,5,6, and 7 have not been used Revision 2 Both the European Union and French President Jacques Chirac appear to be heading for a heavy political defeat May 29 when France holds its referendum on the European Union Constitution. Five consecutive opinion polls strongly indicate that the vote will almost certainly be negative despite President Chirac's strong support. Because France is a founding member of the EU - and until now considered to be one of its strongest pillars - if France votes against the Constitution, the confidence of other member states could be severely shaken. The problem might very well have been avoided. The referendum is not required under French law; however President Chirac appears to have called it in expectation that the opposition Socialists would split on the issue, thereby strengthening his government. Ironically, exactly the opposite seems likely to occur. Revision 2 focuses on both the political fortunes of Jacques Chirac and the broader influence of the French referendum. Items 3 and 4 of the given information have not been used. Revision 3 The European Union appears to be heading for a severe setback due to a gross political miscalculation by French President Jacques Chirac. On May 29, France holds its referendum on the European Union Constitution. Five consecutive opinion polls strongly indicate that the vote will almost certainly be negative despite President Chirac's strong support. Because France is a founding member of the EU - and until now thought to be one of its strongest pillars - if France votes against the Constitution, the confidence of other member states could be profoundly shaken. The problem might very well have been avoided. The referendum is not required under French law; however President Chirac appears to have called it in expectation that the opposition Socialists would split on the issue, thereby strengthening his government. Exactly the opposite now seems likely to occur. Revision 3 focuses on the problems to be created for the European Union by President Chirac's decision to allow a referendum. Items 3 and 4 of the given information have not been used. Note that items 3 and 4 were not used in any of the versions.

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Item 3 is interesting information. It could have been used, but the writer chose not to do so. For example: "Five consecutive and increasingly negative opinion polls strongly indicated that .... " Item 4 makes a statement that is obvious from the text. Using item 4 would add nothing and therefore reduce clarity.

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EXERCISE C You may not understand what the following paragraph is talking about, but you should still be able to make it more clear and brief. There is no analysis, so: 1. First rewrite it 2. Then look at the Revision to see what a professional writer did with it. Original Our investment strategy has been conceived to achieve out-performance in respect to the reference index on the basis of a 2 - 5 year rolling period that is individually fixed for each specific bond mandate and for each specific bond fund. Each out-performance objective is calculated and announced in function of the investment universe for each compartment, which are namely government bonds, corporate bonds, or aggregates, taking into consideration the geographical coverage. We also have the ambition to deliver better performance than peer funds to which we can be compared and to achieve the first and second quartile in Standard & Poor's universe. Revision The investment process aims at three principal objectives:

• Out-perform , over a 3-year rolling period, the reference index defined for each bond mandate and bond fund;

• Match or exceed the performance of peer funds;

• Consistently achieve first or second quartile of the Standard & Poor's universe.

Because their behaviour is fundamentally different, the out-performance targets are specific to each investment universe (area) - government bonds, corporate bonds or aggregate, and geographic spread. Note that the bullet points are arranged so that first word of each one is in bold. This is more effective than putting words in bold anywhere they happen to fall. EXAMPLE The investment process aims at three principal objectives:

• Over a 3-year rolling period, out-perform the reference index defined for each bond mandate and bond fund

• Deliver performance that matches or exceeds that of peer funds

• Consistently achieve first or second quartile of the Standard & Poor's universe