CHAPTER 8 – CHAPTER 8 – SINGLEHOOD, MATE SINGLEHOOD, MATE SELECTIONSELECTION

Instructor: Wendy Crapo

Problems with dating:Problems with dating:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v

=weULGFSTVeY&safe=active

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s35K_wNE_Wk&safe=active

PURPOSES OF DATINGPURPOSES OF DATING

SOCIALIZATION:To develop appropriate social skills to practice getting along with others in different settings.

RECREATION:To have fun and enjoy the companionship of others, and to try new and different activities.

MATE SELECTION:To see others in many different settings, to compare the personality and characteristics of many people.

What first attracts you to What first attracts you to someone to date?someone to date?

99% of men wanted women to hint to be asked.

Both men & women preferred the man ask them out on the first date.

HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK A A GIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIVEN GIVEN PERMISSION PERMISSION BEFOREHAND? BEFOREHAND?

Men are afraid of rejection from Men are afraid of rejection from women.women.

Discuss in small groupsDiscuss in small groupsPros & Cons of the “new” dating norm of hanging out or hooking upMakes relationship building

more difficult◦Doesn’t develop social skills◦Mixed messages◦No specialness◦No plans, boring◦No need to commit

Initiating a DateInitiating a DateWomen most often covertly initiate

meeting by sending nonverbal signals of interest.

Women control dating:FLIRT = ACT

A – AnimationC – Closeness: accidentally on purpose run into them. Be where they are.T – Touch: Catch eye, smile, touch elbow, etc (at least 3 times a week)

HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING?

Open field: A setting in which potential partners may not be likely to meet, characterized by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall or campus.

Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet, characterized by a small number of people who are likely to interact, such as a class, dorm or party).

HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING?The most common place to meet people?

Internetclassified ads – men advertise as success

objectsdating services

churches

speed dating

PartiesDo people gravitate to the most attractive

person in the room?What about being lined up?

1/3 to 1/2 of all meetings are introductions by friends.

STAGES OF DATINGSTAGES OF DATING

Stimulus Stage: Attraction is physical, mental or social.

Value Stage: Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible. Usually determined between 2-7 dates (best to breakup here).

Role Stage: Analyze behaviors to determine filling roles as lover, companion, friend, worker, spouse and parent.

Is dating a reflection of real Is dating a reflection of real life?life?

PROBLEMS IN DATINGPROBLEMS IN DATING

Power is not usually a problem in dating but gender roles are.

Who pays? Who decides? CommunicationShynessSexual pressure

Dating RulesDating RulesINTEGRITY: Firmly following your moral code

Decide on 4-5 rules you can follow when dating.

Show video “The Rules”

Initiating a BreakupInitiating a BreakupBe sure you want to break up.

◦ Conflicts or problems, instead of being a reason to break up, may be a rich source of personal development if they are worked out.

Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt. ◦ Not breaking up because you don’t want to

hurt your partner may actually be an excuse for not wanting to be honest.

Initiating a BreakupInitiating a BreakupOnce you end the relationship, do not

see your former partner as “friends” until considerable time has passed. ◦ Being friends may be a subterfuge for

continuing the relationship on terms wholly advantageous to yourself.

Don’t change your mind.◦ Ambivalence after ending a relationship is

not a sign that you made a wrong decision; neither is loneliness. Both indicate that the relationship was valuable for you.

If Your Partner Breaks Up If Your Partner Breaks Up With You:With You:The pain and loneliness you feel are

natural and they will eventually pass. ◦ They are part of the loss of an important

relationship, but they are not necessarily signs of love.

You are worthwhile, whether you are with a partner or not.

Keep a sense of humor. It may help ease the pain.

What holiday has the most What holiday has the most breakups afterwards? Why?breakups afterwards? Why?

SINGLEHOODSINGLEHOOD

PROS?CONS?

Increasing singlehood: Why? How is it viewed now?

Never married = largest group of singles (27%)

African Americans = largest percentage of unmarried

Increasing singlehoodIncreasing singlehood• Delayed marriage• Employment options for women• Less pressure to marry today• More women in college• More liberal social & sexual

standards• Uneven ratios of unmarried

women to men

SINGLISM – prejudice & SINGLISM – prejudice & discrimination experiences by discrimination experiences by singlessingles

Less stigmatized today than in the past.

Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to do rather than what one wants to do.

Men need women less than women need men thus men flee obligation.

Media portrays singles as glorified and marriage as unsatisfied with affairs.

TYPES OF NEVER TYPES OF NEVER MARRIEDSMARRIEDSInvoluntary and temporarily

unmarried

Voluntary and permanently unmarried

Voluntary and temporarily unmarried

CHARACTERISTICS OF CHARACTERISTICS OF SINGLEHOODSINGLEHOOD

Singles don’t fit into married society

Singles have more time

Singles have more fun

Singles are lonely

TRUE or FALSE

MYTHS OF SINGLEHOODMYTHS OF SINGLEHOODSingles are dependent on their

parentsSingles are self-centered & immatureSingles have more money (married

couples are better off – dual incomes)Singles are happierSingles view single hood as a lifetime

alternativeSingles are bitter and lonelyAll single women want to be married

What first attracts you to the opposite sex?

What characteristics are most important to you?

Make a list of characteristics you want in a future spouse.

You attract what you are….. not what you

want.

Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive & they have the best sex lives.

Appearance continues to be important through marriage.

Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect than changes in husband’s appearance.

We may make trade-offs in exchange for looks,such as highly valued qualities like intelligenceor personality.

What do you think about this What do you think about this man?man?

Halo effect: The assumptions that good-looking people possess more desirable social characteristics.

THEORIES OF MATE THEORIES OF MATE SELECTION:SELECTION:

Women are valued for good looks, child rearing & homemaking skills.

Men are ranked higher if seen with a beautiful

woman

What do women look for in a man?What do women look for in a man?

What do men look for in a What do men look for in a woman?woman?

MARRIAGE SQUEEZE: Older women have fewer eligible males. Working women don’t need a man for a paycheck but as a partner or companion.

The longer one waits to marry the more likely to never marry.

MATING GRADIENT: Why do men choose younger women, shorter women & women choose higher status? Discuss in groups

Does not allow incestuous relationships.

Second cousins allowed to marry, first cousins over 40 years old.

Native Americans and Orientals marry outside race more often.

FIELD OF ELIGIBLES:FIELD OF ELIGIBLES: Culture Culture approves of potential partners.approves of potential partners.ENDOGAMY:ENDOGAMY: Marriage within a Marriage within a particular group.particular group.EXOGAMYEXOGAMY:: Marriage outside a Marriage outside a particular group.particular group.

Complimentary Needs TheoryComplimentary Needs Theory“OPPOSITES ATTRACT”“OPPOSITES ATTRACT”

FACT OR FALLACY?

What things are important What things are important to have in common?to have in common?

Homogamy - Homogamy - Important Important SimilaritiesSimilarities

Race – 97% marriages of same race. Religion – Greatest risk of divorce is if

one is very religious. Socioeconomic Status – Men often

marry down, women often marry up. But we tend to marry the same SES background.

Age – Members of same generation at same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed.

Propinquity – Residence, geographically limited locale (internet).

Heterogamous MarriagesHeterogamous Marriages

Different values and lack understanding.Lack approval from friends and family,

less support.Less conventional, therefore less likely

to stay married for looks.Homogamous marriages are more likely

to succeed.

Common law marriageCommon law marriageRequires that the couple presents

themselves as married

Cohabitation: 1960 to 2001

Commitment Issues in Cohabitation A lesser level of commitment in

cohabitation than in marriage. In marriage, a couple makes a

commitment to the marriage as well as each other.

Living together tends to be a more temporary arrangement. – ½ of all cohabiting couples end within a year

because the couple either marries or breaks up.

– Cohabiting couples are 3 times as likely as married couples to break up within 2 years.

Cohabitation Commitment Concerns, contd.

May not work as hard to save relationship.

They are less certain of life time together and live somewhat more autonomous lives.

Less satisfaction in marriage. Less happy in marriage. Less educated tend to cohabitate.

Other Cohabitation Concerns

Sex: married men and women are more likely to be monogamous. Sex is one of the defining characteristics of cohabitant’s relationships.

Finances: Among most cohabiting couples – Money is not pooled. More difficult to buy a

house together– More likely to live in poverty

Societal Support: compared with marriage, cohabitation receives less societal support, except with peers. Parents do not usually support cohabitation with the same enthusiasm as they would marriage.

Cohabitation & children

African American are more likely than whites to raise children in cohabitating households.

Children are not guaranteed financial support from the father unless he has established legal paternity.

Research shows children born with cohabitationg parents do no do better than children born with married parents

COHABITATION – lacks legal rights of marriage

LEGAL PROBLEMS Can’t file joint tax return Can’t make medical decisions Can’t inherit Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family” Can’t create estate trust Can’t claim marital deduction on income tax Can’t receive survivor insurance benefits Can’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etc Can’t collect unemployment if you move for a

partners job Can’t get residency status for a non-citizen

WHY MARRIAGE WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS!!MATTERS!!& HOW TO MAKE IT LAST

FAMILY:1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have

good relationships with their children.

2. Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage.

3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.

4. Marriage is a virtually universal human institution.

ECONOMICS:ECONOMICS:

5. 5. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mother.poverty for both children and mother.

6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on 6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples. average than singles or cohabiting couples.

7. Married men earn more money than do single 7. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.men with similar education and job histories.

8. 8. Parental divorce Parental divorce appears to increase appears to increase children’s risk of children’s risk of school failure.school failure.

9. 9. Parental divorce Parental divorce reduces the reduces the likelihood that likelihood that children will children will graduate from graduate from college and achieve college and achieve high-status jobs.high-status jobs.

PHYSICAL HEALTH & PHYSICAL HEALTH & LONGEVITYLONGEVITY

10. Children who 10. Children who live with their live with their own two married own two married parents enjoy parents enjoy better physical better physical health, on health, on average, than do average, than do children in other children in other family forms.family forms.

11. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply 11. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality.lower risk of infant mortality.

12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of 12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of substance abuse for both adults and teens. substance abuse for both adults and teens.

13. Married people, especially married men, have 13. Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles.similar singles.

14. Marriage is associated with better health and 14. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability lower rates of injury, illness and disability for both men & women.for both men & women.

MENTAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING

15. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness.

16. Divorce appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide.

17. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.

CRIME & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

18. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior.

19. Marriage appears to reduce the risk that adults will be either perpetrators or victims of crime.

20. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than to cohabiting or dating women.

21. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse.

MAKING IT MAKING IT LASTLAST

FOR A LIFETIME!!FOR A LIFETIME!!

MAKING IT LAST – MAKING IT LAST – FOR A LIFETIMEFOR A LIFETIME

Activity – In groups discuss Marriage Opinion 10.3

FIRST IMPRESSION = first FIRST IMPRESSION = first illusionsillusions

People tend to freeze first impressions in their People tend to freeze first impressions in their mind.mind.

We want to make up our mind very quickly We want to make up our mind very quickly about a person.about a person.

If these impressions are incorrect they will feel If these impressions are incorrect they will feel very uncomfortable & compromising.very uncomfortable & compromising.

““You aren’t the man/woman I You aren’t the man/woman I married”.married”.

““You seem different now”.You seem different now”.

““It isn’t the same as when we were It isn’t the same as when we were dating”.dating”.

““You cheated me”.You cheated me”.

Misleading initial Misleading initial acts, impressions, acts, impressions, and images can and images can become disastrous become disastrous later on.later on.

Clarify any Clarify any misunderstanding misunderstanding as soon as possibleas soon as possible..

ASSERT YOUR IDENTITYASSERT YOUR IDENTITY

Partners must know and respect your Partners must know and respect your identity.identity.

If it is compromised it becomes eroded If it is compromised it becomes eroded and confused. and confused.

One must be “REAL”.One must be “REAL”.

RESOLVING PROBLEMS & RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICTCONFLICT

Both partners must express their wants Both partners must express their wants and needs honestly.and needs honestly.

Both partners must respect one Both partners must respect one another as peers.another as peers.

Constructive resolutions build trust.Constructive resolutions build trust.

The time to share fears and confront The time to share fears and confront the possibilities of conflict is from the the possibilities of conflict is from the start.start.

The greater the affection grows, the The greater the affection grows, the greater grows the fear of losing love.greater grows the fear of losing love.

Don’t “love now & fight later”.Don’t “love now & fight later”.

RESOLVING PROBLEMS & RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICT (continued)CONFLICT (continued)

Happily married couples:Happily married couples:

SummarizeSummarize ParaphrasingParaphrasing ValidatingValidating ClarificationClarification

The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence

1. Bargaining – compromise (the best deal for both)

2. Agreement as a gift (without resentment)

3. Coexistence – Agree (to disagree & live with it)

ACHIEVE GENUINE ACHIEVE GENUINE INTIMACYINTIMACY

• Be totally honest and kind at the Be totally honest and kind at the same time.same time.

• Control negative destructive Control negative destructive impulses & control your anger.impulses & control your anger.

• Express your deepest fears, Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions and hopes, and emotions and everyday thoughts.everyday thoughts.

ACCEPT THE OTHER ACCEPT THE OTHER TOTALLYTOTALLY

• Marriage is a lifetime of Marriage is a lifetime of getting to know each other.getting to know each other.

• People do not really know each People do not really know each other when they marry.other when they marry.

Before marriage:Before marriage:

• We hide……We hide……

• We ignore……We ignore……

• We mislabel……We mislabel……

• We don’t agree on relevant We don’t agree on relevant matters…matters…

• We believe our loved one will We believe our loved one will change after marriage.change after marriage.

CHANGING, LEARNING, CHANGING, LEARNING, GROWING TOGETHERGROWING TOGETHER

• Be flexible – unforeseen events Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen.will happen.

• Be prepared for change – people Be prepared for change – people change, situations shift, change, situations shift, relationships take on new relationships take on new dimensions.dimensions.

• Couples can cope & adapt.Couples can cope & adapt.

Be enthusiastically involved Be enthusiastically involved in each others in each others becomingbecoming as as well as well as beingbeing..

• Have a positive attitude.Have a positive attitude.

• Express positive comments most Express positive comments most of the time.of the time.

• Criticism about inadequacies Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional space.eliminates emotional space.

True marriage True marriage Is not my Is not my devotion to devotion to

you,you,Nor is it yours to Nor is it yours to

me.me.True marriageTrue marriageIs our devotion Is our devotion

to us.to us.

By Lois WyseBy Lois Wyse

From Rabbi Ben EzraFrom Rabbi Ben Ezra

Grow old along with Grow old along with me!me!

The best is yet to The best is yet to be,be,

The last of life, for The last of life, for which the first was which the first was

made.made.

by Robert Browningby Robert Browning

VOCABULARY CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD & PAIRING

1. Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet.

2. Complimentary needs theory: We select partners whose needs are different from and/or complement our own needs.

3. Endogamy: Marriage within a particular group.4. Exogamy: Marriage outside a group you belong to.5. Field of eligibles: A group of individuals of the

same general background and age who are culturally approved potential marital partners.

Vocabulary ContinuedVocabulary Continued

 6.     Halo effect: The tendency to infer positive characteristics or traits based on a person’s physical attractiveness.

  7.   Heterogamy: Marriage between those with different social or

personal characteristics.  8. Homogamy: Marriage between those with similar social or

personal characteristics. 9.    Marriage gradient: The tendency for men to marry younger

women of lower socioeconomic status and for women to marry older men of higher socioeconomic status.

 

10.    Marriage Squeeze: The phenomenon in which there are greater numbers of marriageable women than marriageable men, particularly among older women and African-American women.

 11. Open field: A setting in which potential partners may

not be likely to meet. 12. Residential Propinquity: A pattern in which the

chances of two people marrying are greater the closer they live to each other.