Chapter 5

Love and Choosing a Life Partner

Chapter Outline Love and Commitment

Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed

Partner

The Marriage Market

Assortative Mating: A Filtering Out Process

Heterogamy in Relationships

Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship

and Moving Toward Commitment

Dating Violence: A Serious Sign of Trouble

The Possibility of Breaking Up

Nurturing Loving and Committed Relationships

Love and Commitment

Love is viewed as the primary reason for

getting and staying married.

Loving involves the acceptance of partners

for themselves.

Loving requires empathy and commitment.

Commitment is characterized by a

willingness to work through problems and

conflicts as opposed to calling it quits when

problems arise; it involves consciously

investing in the relationship.

Love

Marriages between

individuals with a

relatively secure

attachment style that

take place around age

twenty-five and are

between partners who

grew up in intact families

are the most likely to be

satisfying and stable.

Defining Love

Committed lovers have fun together; they

also share tedious times.

They express themselves freely.

They do not see problems as indications

that their relationship is over.

They work to maintain their relationship.

Commitment is characterized by a

willingness to work through problems and

conflicts.

Sternberg’s Triangular

Theory of Love Three components of love:

1. Intimacy – close, connected feelings.

2. Passion – drives that lead to romance,

physical attraction and sexual

consummation.

3. Commitment – the decision to love

someone and maintain that love.

Sternberg’s Triangular

Theory of Love Three components develop at different

times:

Passion is quickest to develop and

quickest to fade.

Intimacy develops more slowly.

Commitment develops gradually.

Sternberg’s Triangular

Theory of Love Consummate Love

Composed of all three components, is

“complete love, …a kind of love

toward which many of us strive,

especially in romantic relationships”

Sternberg’s Triangular

Theory of Love

Attachment Theory and

Loving Relationships A secure attachment style is associated with

better prospects for a committed relationship.

An insecure/anxious attachment style entails

“fear of abandonment” with possible

consequences such as jealousy or trying to

control one’s partner.

An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass

up or shun closeness or intimacy.

Facts about Families:

Six Love Styles

Eros

Characterized by intense emotional

attachment and powerful sexual feelings or

desires.

Storge

An affectionate, companionate style of loving

focused on deepening mutual commitment,

respect, friendship, and common goals.

Facts about Families:

Six Love Styles

Pragma

Involves rational assessment of a

potential partner’s assets and liabilities.

Agape

Emphasizes unselfish concern for the

beloved’s needs even when that

requires personal sacrifice.

Facts about Families:

Six Love Styles Ludus

Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship.

Mania

Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable.

Three Things Love Isn’t

1. Martyring

2. Manipulating

3. Limerance

Love Isn’t Martyring

Martyrs may:

Be reluctant to suggest what they want.

Allow others to be constantly late and never protest.

Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own.

Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own.

Love Isn’t Manipulation

Manipulators may:

Ask others to do something that they could do.

Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose.

Be consistently late.

Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.

Love Isn’t Limerance

People in limerence fantasize about being

with the limerent object in all kinds of

situations.

Limerence is characterized by little, if any,

concern for the well-being of the limerent

object.

Limerence can turn into genuine love, but

more often than not, it doesn’t.

Mate Selection: The Process of

Selecting a Committed Partner

Positive attitudes about the relationship,

coupled with realistically positive assessments

of a spouse’s personality traits, are important to

marital stability.

Supportive interaction results in greater marital

satisfaction.

Greater marital satisfaction, in turn, results in

the greater likelihood of marital stability (staying

married).

A Sequential Model of Mate

Selection

Minimizing Mate Selection Risk

Letting go of misconceptions we may

have about love and choosing a partner

Selecting a partner wisely involves balancing

any insistence on perfection against the

need to be mindful of one’s real needs and

desires.

Working things out requires both partners’

willingness and ability to do so.

The Marriage Market

Individuals enter the market armed with

resources—personal and social

characteristics—and then bargain for the

best “buy” that they can get.

Arranged Marriages

Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of

Europe, Asia, and Africa.

Couples in arranged marriages are expected to

develop a loving relationship after the marriage.

A study that compared marital satisfaction

among arranged marriages in India to those

more freely chosen in the United States found

no differences in marital satisfaction between

the two groups.

Free-choice Culture

The United States is an example of a

free-choice culture:

People choose their own mates,

although typically they seek parents’

and other family members’ support for

their decision.

Arranged Marriage

In arranged

marriages, families

and community do

the bargaining, based

on assets such as

status, possessions,

and dowry.

Free-Choice Marriage

In freely chosen

marriages, the

individuals perform a

more subtle form of

bargaining, weighing

the costs and

benefits of personal

characteristics,

economic status, and

education.

Social Exchange The ideas of bargaining, market, and

resources used to describe relationships come to us from exchange theory

Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or least costly.

In romantic relationships individuals have resources: beauty, personality, status, skills, maturity, intellect, originality, etc.

Individuals also have costly attributes: being demanding, low status, geographic inaccessibility, etc.

The Traditional Exchange

Women trade their ability to bear children

and perform domestic duties, along with

sexual accessibility and attractiveness, for

a man’s protection, status, and support.

Both women and men can experience

gender related disadvantages in the

traditional exchange.

Bargaining in a Changing

Society

Research that looked at mate preferences in the United States over the past sixty years showed that men and women have increased the importance that they put on potential financial success in a mate, while domestic skills in a future wife have declined in importance.

One study indicates that, for today’s young man, a woman’s high socioeconomic status increases her sexiness.

Today both men and women are likely to want a spouse with more education or who earns more than they do

Assortative Mating—A Filtering

Process

Individuals gradually filter those whom

they think would not make the best

spouse.

Research has shown that people are

willing to date a wider range of individuals

than they would live with or become

engaged to, and they are willing to live

with a wider range of people than they

would marry.

Homogamy: Narrowing the

Pool of Eligibles

People tend to marry people of similar race,

age, education, religious background, and

social class.

Endogamy: marrying within one’s social

group.

Exogamy: marrying outside one’s group.

Heterogamy, marrying someone dissimilar in

race, age, education, religion, or social class.

Pool of Eligibles

A group of individuals

who, by background

or birth, are

considered most

likely to make

compatible marriage

partners.

Reasons for Homogamy

Geographic availability: (propinquity or

proximity) geographic segregation, which

can result from either discrimination or

strong community ties, contributes to

homogamous marriages

Social pressure: cultural values

encourage marrying someone who is

socially similar to ourselves

Heterogamy in Relationships

Heterogamy refers to choosing someone

who is dissimilar in race, age, education

religion or social class.

Heterogamy: Interracial/Interethnic

Marriages in the U.S.

Interracial marriages include unions between partners of the white, black, Asian, or Native American races with a spouse outside their own race.

Unions between Hispanics and others, as well as between Asian/Pacific Islander or Hispanic ethnic groups are interethnic marriages.

In June 1967, the U.S. Supreme Court declared that interracial marriages are legally valid in all states.

Number of interracial and Hispanic-

non-Hispanic married couples, 2010

Interracial/Interethnic

Heterogamy and Marital Stability

Two factors to measure marital success:

1. Stability — whether or how long the union lasts

2. The happiness of the partners

Some unhappy spouses remain married and some separate.

Social scientists find that marriages that are homogamous in age, education, religion, and race are the most stable.

Interracial/Interethnic

Heterogamy and Human Values

One study found higher relationship satisfaction compared to same-race couples.

Regardless of differences in race or ethnicity, common values and lifestyles contribute to relationship stability.

Polls show Americans becoming less disapproving of interracial dating and marriage.

Heterogamy: Interfaith

Relationships

Between 30-40% of Jewish, Catholic, Mormon,

Muslim, and a higher percentage of Protestant

adults and children live in interfaith or

interdenominational households

One study found strong religious beliefs are

associated with less couple conflict.

Shared religiosity gave them a commitment to

permanence, coupled with a willingness to

forgive the spouse when conflicts emerged.

Heterogamy and

Relationship Quality and

Stability

Marriages that are homogamous are

more likely to be stable because partners

are more likely to share the same values

and attitudes when they come from

similar backgrounds.

Meandering Toward Marriage:

Developing the Relationship and

Moving Toward Commitment

Sociologists have long been interested in two central questions: What first brings people together? What keeps them together?

Meandering Toward Marriage:

Developing the Relationship and

Moving Toward Commitment

Young people today “meander toward marriage,” feeling that they’ll be ready to marry when they reach their late twenties or so.

Young adults express need to explore as many options as possible before settling down.

Contemporary Dating

There is considerable variation in premarital romantic relationship

The traditional dating script was facilitated by widespread access to the automobile

Dating versus “Nondating”

Both men and women in the study said

that a typical date involved 1) initiation 2)

the date itself 3) an outcome

Parents are very involved in overseeing

their children’s behavior

Nondating is generally sexual in nature

(e.g., “hooking up”)

Issues for Thought: Sexual Assault

and Acquaintance Rape

What can you do to help prevent date rape?

What should you do if you or a friend is raped by an acquaintance?

What would or should you do if a friend or acquaintance of yours was known to be the perpetrator of a date or acquaintance rape?

From Dating to Commitment

From an interaction constructionist

perspective, qualitative research with

serious dating couples shows that they

pass through a series of fairly predictable

stages.

The Wheel of Love

Four stages of love

Rapport – rests on mutual trust and respect

Self-revelation – sharing intimate information

Mutual dependency – developing

interdependence

Needs fulfillment – developing emotional

exchange and support

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the

Development of Love

Dating Violence — A Serious

Sign of Trouble

Dating violence typically begins with verbal or psychological abuse and tends to occur over jealousy, with a refusal of sex, after illegal drug use or excessive drinking, or upon disagreement about drinking behavior.

A recent study of 28 female undergraduates in abusive dating relationships found that some of these women felt “stuck” with their partner.

A majority had assumed a “caretaker identity,” similar to martyring.

Indicators of Dating Violence

1. Handles ordinary disagreements with

inappropriate anger or rage

2. Struggles to regain self-control when a

minor issue triggers anger

3. Goes into tirades

Indicators of Dating Violence

4. Quick to criticize or verbally mean

5. Unduly jealous, restricting and

controlling

6. History of violence in previous

relationships

The Possibility of Breaking

Up

According to the exchange perspective, couples choose to stay committed or to break up by weighing the rewards of their relationship against its costs.

When costs outweigh rewards, when there are desirable alternatives, when one’s relationship does not match one’s ideal, when little has been invested and when there are fewer barriers to breaking up, couples are more likely to do so.

Nurturing Loving and

Committed Relationships

Maintaining a satisfying long-term

relationship is challenging

Love Languages are a metaphor for the

styles of love that make a person feel

loved and secure.