Chapter 1 - The Inner Critic - Playing Big by Tara Mohr

PLAYING BIG: Practical Wisdom for Women Who

Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead

by Tara Mohr

(PenguinRandomHouse)

Excerpt - Chapter 1: The Inner Critic

Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead Copyright © 2014 by Tara Sophia Mohr

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CHAPTER 1

The Inner Critic

Irecentlyhadlunchwithacolleague—anexecutivecoachandbusinessconsultant.She’sworkedatthemostprestigiousconsultingcompaniesandmaintainsarosterofexecutiveclientswhofindheradviceindispensible.Overourmeal,sheexplainedtomethatshewantedtodomorepublicspeaking,sharingtheideasshe’ddevelopedinherconsultingpracticewithamuchwideraudience.Shesoundedeagerandreadytogo,uncertainonlyaboutwhatpracticalstepstotakenext.

IofferedtointroducehertoafewspeakingagentsthatIthoughtwouldlovetoworkwithherandcouldhelphersecureengagements.Suddenly,shestartedtalkingabouthowsheneededtospendsomemonthsdoingsmall,localtalksto“honehercraft.”Anewnarrativecameout,abouthowshewasn’treallyreadytotakeherspeakingtoalargestage.Havingjustwatchedavideoofhergivingaspeech,Iknewthiswasn’tthecase.

IwashearinginhersomethingI’venowheardinhundredsofwomen.Ithinkofitas“thevoiceofnot-me”—theinternalchatterthattellsawomanshe’snotreadytolead,she’snotenoughofanexpert,she’snotgoodenoughatthisorthat.It’sthevoiceofself-doubt,oftheinnercritic.Webeginourjourneyherebecauseitiswhatmostholdswomenbackfromplayingbigger.

Allwomengrapplewiththisvoiceofself-doubtinonewayoranother.Forsomewomen,itismostprominentaroundtheirprofessionallives.Forothers,itcomesuparoundtheirsenseofcompetenceasmothersorpartners.Forothers,itspeaksmostlyaboutappearance,bodyimage,oraging.Andforothers,itchattersmostloudlyabouttheircreativedreams—tomakemusicorpaintorwrite.Wearesousedtolivingwiththisvoice,mostofusdon’timagineitcouldbeotherwise.It’sbecomethebackgroundnoisewelivewith.Sincewomendon’ttalktooneanotheraboutthemostviciousthingsitsays,wedon’thearcounterargumentsorgetsupport,andwedon’tlearnthatotherwomen—womenweadmirebecausetheyseemsoconfident—hearthesameirrational,harshvoiceintheirheadstoo.

Thecostsofwomen’sself-doubtareenormous.Thinkofalltheideasunshared,businessesnotstarted,importantquestionsnotraised,talentsunused.Thinkofallthefulfillmentandjoynotexperiencedbecauseself-doubtkeepsusfromgoingfortheopportunitiesthatwouldbringthatjoyandfulfillment.Thisisthebad


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newsaroundwomen’sself-doubt:howpervasiveitis,andhowmuchhasbeenlostbecauseofit.

Yetthereisalsogoodnewsaboutwomen’sself-doubt—andthegoodnewsislesswell-known:While“confidenceissues"seemcomplexanddifficulttoaddress,theydon’tneedtobe.Itturnsoutyoudon’thavetofindamagicsourceofconfidence,digdeepintochildhoodwoundstofindtherootsofyourinsecurities,orfigureouthowtopermanentlybanishthatcriticalvoiceinyourhead.Instead,yousimplyneedtolearnhowtolivewiththeinnervoiceofself-doubtbutnotbeheldbackbyit,tohearthevoiceandnottakedirectionfromit.Bestnewsofall?Youcanlearntodothatquickly,withsimpletoolsyou’lllearninthischapter.

Becauseself-doubtissodestructivewhennotdealtwith,yetsomanageableonceyouknowthosetools,I’vebecomepassionateabouteverywomanandgirlontheplanetreceivingwhatIthinkofasInnerCritic101Training.You’llreceivethattraininginthepagesthatfollow.I’vecometobelievethatknowinghowtoworkeffectivelywithyourownself-doubtisabasicandnecessaryalifeskill,anevenmorebasicandnecessarylifeskillthandrivingorcookingyourselfameal.Imaginewhatadifferentworldwe’dliveinifeverygirllearnedwhatthevoiceofherinnercriticsoundedlikeandwhattodotoquietit,ifshewasunhamperedbyself-doubtasshemovedthroughherturbulentteenyearsandintoadulthood.Imaginethedifferentcourseyourlifewouldhavetaken,hadyoubeentaughtthewhatandwhyofthatcriticalvoiceinsideandlearnedsometechniquestousesothatitdidn’tgetinyourway.Inthischapter,you’llgetthattraining,foryourselfandsoyoucanpassitontoothers.Mostimportant,you’lllearnwhatyoucandomomenttomomentsothatself-doubtnolongerstandsinthewayofyourplayingbig.

What Is the Inner Critic?

WhenItalkabouttheinnercriticorthevoiceof“not-me,”I’mspeakingaboutthevoiceinourheadscharacterizedbytheelevenqualitiesthatfollow.Youprobablywon’tnoticeallelevenqualitiesineverythingyourvoiceofself-doubtsays,butyou’llusuallynoticeatleastafewofthesequalitieswhentheyspeaks.


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1. Harsh,rude,mean.Whenyouhearavoiceinyourheadsayingharshthings

toyouthatyouwouldneverintendtosaytoapersonyoulove,you’rehearingtheinnercritic.

2. Binary.Theinnercriticisablack-and-whitethinker.Youareawesomeoryouarepathetic.Youaregorgeousorugly.Youareafabulousfriendorahorribleone.Yourdreamsarepossibleortheyaren’t.Whentheinnercriticspeaks,there’susuallynoroomforgray.

3. Ostensibly,thevoiceofreason.Thisvoicearguesforwhatseemstobein

yourbestinterest,whatisrealisticandeffective.Forexample,“Ifyougoforwardwiththebook,you’llruinyourreputation.Yourworkisn’treadyforthatlevelofscrutiny.Bettertoholdoffforawhile.”Or“Youaremuchbetteroffstudyingsomeoneelse’stheoriesandapproachtothiskindofconsultingworkbeforeyoupitchpotentialclients.Peoplewon’ttakeyouseriouslyunlessyouaresteepedinawell-knownmethod.Yourownideasaren’tenough.”

4. Thevoiceof“Youaren’treadyyet.”Forwomen,thisvoiceoftenmanifests

as“Youaren’treadyyet.”“Youneedanotherdegree.”“Youneedmoretimetoprepare.”“Youneedmoreexperience.”

5. Thevoiceof“Youaren’tgoodatmath/negotiating/technicalstuff.”For

manywomen,thevoiceofself-doubtshowsupmoststronglyaroundthoseskillsandactivitiesthatareassociatedwithmasculinityinourcultureand,unconsciously,ofteninourownminds.Thisincludesquantitativeskills,negotiation,technicaltasks,financialmatters,and—unfortunately—sometimesleadershipmorebroadly.

6. Thevoiceofbody-perfectionism.Anothercommonexpressionofthis

voiceisself-criticalthoughtsaroundbody,weight,appearance,oraging.“Youaren’tattractiveanymore.”“OhmyGod,lookatyourupperarms.”“Youlookfatinthis.”“Youneedtolosetenpounds,byyesterday.”


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7. Thetape.Theinnercritic’svoiceoftenfeelslikeanaudiotapethat’srunningautomaticallyinyourhead,ratherthanlikethoughtsyouconsciouslyauthorandgenerate.Itmayevenfeelasifthecritictapeinvadesandinterruptsyourownthinking.

8. Abrokenrecord.Theinnercriticwillcomeupwithnewlinesfromtimetotime,butitalsotendstorehashafewcorenarrativesithasbeenrepeatingtoyoufordecades.

9. Irrationalbutpersistent.Oftenweknowthatwhatthefearfulvoiceinourheadssaysisirrational,yetitstillhaspoweroverus.

10. Theone-twopunch.Theone-twopunchgoeslikethis.Let’ssayfirst,theinnercriticstartsmumblingtoyouabouthoweveryoneelseintheroomhasitmoretogetherthanyoudo.Thenthecriticfollowsupwith“Getagrip,getsomeperspective.”Or“Whatiswrongwithyou?Otherpeopleareconfidentandrelaxed...justlookoverthere,atSusan...”Inotherwords,thecriticfirstattacksyouwithcriticalthoughts,andthenshamesyouforhavingthosethoughts.Thatisitsone-twopunch.

11. Theinnercriticmaytakeinspirationfromcriticalpeopleinyourlife.Youmayhearechoesofacriticalparent,asibling,orbossinyourinnercritic’svoice.Oryoumayhearechoesoftheethosofmajorculturalforcessuchasyourreligion,company,orcountry.Ouroutercriticscometoexistinsideourownheads.

The Inner Critic versus Realistic Thinking

Oftenwomensaytome,“ButtherearethingsI’mtrulynotqualifiedfor,ornotgoodat.HowdoIknowifI’mhearingmyinnercritictalkingorifI’mjustbeingrealistic?”That’sareallyimportantquestion,because,ofcourse,therearethingswearen’treadyforandweallhaveweaknessesinourabilities.Inadditiontousingthelistof


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theelevenqualitiesoftheinnercritic’svoice,here’showyoucantellthedifferencebetweentheirrationalinnercriticandsolidrealisticthinking.

InnerCritic RealisticThinking

Makesdefinitepronouncementsaboutthesituation

Askscuriousquestionsaboutthesituation

Hasnointerestinactualevidence Interestedingatheringevidencetoinformconclusions

Thanksandspeaksinblack-and-whiteterms Isabletodealwithcomplexityandgrayareas

Asksbinaryyes/noquestions(“Isitpossible?Yesorno?AmIqualified?Yesorno?”)

Askshelpful,open-endedquestions(“Howmightitbepossible?Whatpartofthislookspossible?”)

Isrepetitive Isforward-moving

Focusesonproblems/areasoflack Seekssolutions

Speaksinananxioustone Speaksinacalmertone

Speaksfromafundamentalstanceofself-critique

Speaksfromafundamentalstanceofself-support

Therealisticthinkerinusisforward-moving.Sheseekssolutions.Thecriticwillspinandspin,ruminatingontherisksandworst-casescenarios.Thecriticoftenspeaksinananxious,emotionallychargedtone.Therealisticthinkersoundsgrounded,clear-eyed,calm.Manyofusholdthebeliefthat“realisticthinking”isskepticalifnotpessimistic,butinfactrealisticthinkingisinquisitive,exploratory,andhighlycreative.

Fortwodecades,Claireworkedinretailcompanies,alwayswantingtostartoneofherown.Whenshecontemplatedthatdream,sheheardastreamofthoughtsthatsoundedlikethis:

“Iwouldlovetostartaretailbusiness.Iwouldlovetheindependenceandchallenge.Ifeellikeit’swhatIammeanttodo...butIdon’thave


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whatthattakes.Ineedmuchmoreexperience;Idon’thavetheaccesstocapital,anddoingthiswouldbeirresponsibletomyfamily.Iwouldbeputtingthematgreatfinancialrisk.”

Howdoweknowwhetherthisisherinnercritictalking,orifshe’sengagingingood,realisticthinking?WecanrecognizetheinnercriticinClairebyacoupleofclues:

• It’smakingdefinitepronouncementsaboutwhat’strue:“Idon’thavewhatittakes.”There’snoevidencegatheringorrealexploration.Therearenoopen-endedorcuriousquestionsaboutthetruthofthesituation.

• There’sanescalationofworry:“Ineedabroaderskillset...”quicklyescalatesto“I’dbeputtingmyfamilyatgreatfinancialrisk.”Worst-case-scenariothinkingisahallmarkqualityoftheinnercritic.

• It’sespeciallyconcernedaboutthoseaspectsoftheworkthataretraditionallyassociatedwithmasculinity:raisingcapitalandearningmoneytosupportone’sfamily.

Here’show“realisticthinking”onthesametopiccouldgo:

“Iwouldlovetostartaretailbusiness.Ifeellikeit’swhatIammeanttodo...Idon’tknowifIhavewhatisneeded.IwonderhowIcouldfindoutandseehowthatfitswithwhereIam.I’lldoxtolearnmoreaboutthatthisweek...thatfeelsexciting,andalittlescarytoo.And,ofcourse,I’mreallycommittedtosupportingmyfamilyfinancially.IwonderhowIcandothisandmaintainsupportforthem.”Youcanhearthedifferenttoneinthesecondexample:morepositive,

supportive,exploratory,andinfactmuchmorerational.Thereisaninterestinrealinformationgathering.Thereisafocusonthetopicitself,notonegodistractionsaboutmeasuringupornot.


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Why Do We Have Inner Critics?

Whydowehavethisself-criticalvoiceinside?Isitbecauseoftoughchildhoods,ourpatriarchalculture,ourstressfulmodernlives?

Wedon’tneedtohavehadparticularlifeexperiencestodevelopaharshinnercritic.We’rehardwiredforit.Theinnercriticisanexpressionofthesafetyinstinctinus—thepartofusthatwantstostaysafefrompotentialemotionalrisk—fromhurt,failure,criticism,disappointment,orrejectionbythetribe.Thesafetyinstinctiscunning.Ifitsimplysaidtoyou,“No,don’tcomposethesong,don’trunforoffice,don’tmakethecareerchange,don’tshareyourideas—it’stoorisky,”youwouldn’tlisten.You’dprobablyreplysomethingalongthelinesof“No,Ifeelokayabouttherisks.HereIgo.”Sothesafetyinstinctusesamoreeffectiveargument:“Yourpaintingsareterrible.”“Yourbookwon’tofferanythingnew—therearesomanybooksonthesubject.”“Yourattemptatcareerchangewillcauseyoutoendupbroke.”Theinnercriticspeaksupwithmoreviciousnessandvolumewhenweareexposingourselvestoarealorperceivedvulnerability—somethingthattriggersafearofembarrassment,rejection,failure,orpain.

Playingbig—followingourcallingsanddreams—putsusallinavulnerableplace,butforwomenthestakesareespeciallyhigh.Weknowplayingbiggermaybringpainfulcriticismorrejection,thatothersmaycallus“uppity,”notlikable,tooaggressive,bitchy,angry,notnice.We’vewatchedthathappentimeandtimeagaintowomenonthenationalstage.We’vereadviolent,objectifying,oftenvulgarcommentsmadeaboutprominentwomen—particularlyinonlinemedia.Ourownsafetyinstinctseekstoprotectusfromthatexternalcriticismbyspewingcruelself-criticisms(“Youaren’treadyforthat,youdon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout”)thatkeepusfromstretchingintogreatervisibilityandencounteringthosekindsofattacks.

It’sasifyou’vegotinternaldepartmentsandtheinnercriticworksfortheRiskAversionDepartment.ThefolksoverattheRiskAversionDepartmentdon’tcoordinatewiththefolksintheFulfillmentDepartment.Theydon’tcareifyouhaveafulfilledorself-actualizeddayinyourlife!They’llbepleasedifyoufeelrelativelybored,numbedout,andsad—aslongasyoustaystuckinthezoneofthefamiliar.

Forthisreason,thefolksatRiskAversiondon’tworryaboutwhetherwhattheysaytoyouistrueornot.Thisisthebig“aha”thatweallneedtohavearound


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ourself-doubt.Whattheinnercriticsays—“Youaren’tready.Youdon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout.Thatidea/question/creationhasnovalue”—justisn’ttrue.Beingaccurateisn’ttheaimoftheinnercritic;gettingyoutoavoidemotionalriskis.Whenweunderstandthatoursafetyinstinctusestheinnercriticasastrategy,andthatitschatterisnotareflectionofreality,wetakeawayitspower.Wecansaytoourselvesinthemoment,“Ihearthatvoice,butIknowit’snotthevoiceoftruth,andIchoosenottotakedirectionfromit.”

You’ll Hear Self-Doubt Most Loudly When . . .

Manywomenfindtheirinnercriticspeaksupmostloudlyaroundtheirmostdeeplyfeltdreamsfortheirlivesandwork,becausewefeelparticularlyvulnerableaboutthem.Theyexperiencethemostpanicky,overwhelmingself-doubtwhentheyaremovingtowardwhattheytrulylongtodo.Theinnercriticislikeaguardattheedgeofyourcomfortzone.Aslongasyoudon’tventureforthoutofthatzone,theinnercriticcanleaveyoualone—likeaguardtakinganap.Yetwhenyouapproachtheedgeofyourcomfortzone,testoldbeliefs,contemplatechange,orstretchintoplayingbigger,youwakethesleepingguard.Theinnercriticrecitesitslinesinanattempttogetyoutogobackintothefamiliarzoneofthestatusquo.Manywomenfindthatthemorestronglytheinnercriticshowsup,thelouderandmeanerandmorehystericalitsvoice,theclosertheyaretoabreakthroughorthemorelikelytheyaretobeontheedgeoftakingaveryimportantstep.Inthissense,whenyouhearamajorinnercriticattack,youcanoftengreetitasgoodnews:Itlikelymeansyouareplayingbigger.

Wecangetconfusedifwe’vebeentaughtthatwe’llfeelgoodorexcitedwhenwe’reontherighttrack.Infact,oftenwhenwestartdoingwhatwemostwanttodoinourprofessionallives—orwhenweevencontemplatedoingso—weactuallyfeelasenseofdiscomfort.Manywomenmistakenlythinkallthosedoubtsanduncomfortablefeelingsmeantheyaren’tontherightpathafterall.Butreally,we’vejustwokenthesleepingguardattheedgeofthecomfortzone.


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But What If My Inner Critic Motivates Me?

Nowthatyouhaveasenseofwhattheinnercriticis,we’llturntothetoolsandpracticesyoucanuse,momenttomoment,tolessenitsinfluenceinyourlife.Butfirst,there’soneconcernwomenoftenbringupwhenIteachaboutthistopicthatIwanttoaddress.It’saconcernthatIcouldneverhavepredicted:Manywomenaren’tsuretheywanttoquiettheirinnercritics!Afterall,theyaskme,isn’ttheinnercriticpartofwhatmotivatesustodometiculous,excellentwork?

Ifirstheardthisquestionafewyearsago,whenItaughtaworkshopabouttheinnercriticatamajoraccountingfirm.Awomaninthefrontrowraisedherhand.“Ihearwhatyouaresayingabouthowtheinnercriticholdsusback,buthonestly,ifIstoppedlisteningtomyinnercritic,I’dbeatotalslacker.Myinnercriticiswhatmotivatesmetoworkhardandperform.Can’ttheinnercriticbeapositiveforce?”

Asistrueforsomanyofus,herinnercriticwasakindofacompanionwithwhomshehadatriedandtruepartnership:Thecritichurledwordsofpanicanddisparagement,andsheranonthetreadmillharder,producingcareful,thoroughwork.Thiscycle—playedoutdozensoftimeseachday—hadproducedsomereallygoodprofessionalresults.

Thiswasmyresponsetoher,andit’smyresponsetoyouifyoushareherquestion:Self-doubtcanindeedmotivateustoworkhardandachieve,butthereareseriouscoststobeingmotivatedthisway.

• Coststoyourqualityoflife.Howmuchjoycanyouexperienceinyour

workiffearandasoundtrackofharshthoughtsaboutyourselfplayinyourheadeveryday?

• Coststoyourprofessionallife.Thecriticcanleadustoworkhard,butitoftenleadsustodothewrongwork.Whenmotivatedbythecritic,we’lldotallthei’sandcrossallthet’s(manytimesover),buttheinnercriticcan’tmotivateustotaketheintelligentrisks—doingstretchassignments,speakingup,developingkeyrelationships—thatdramaticallyadvanceourcareers.Theinnercriticcanmotivateyoutobeameticulousworkerbee,butitcan’tmotivateyoutobeagamechanger.


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• Playingbiggercosts.Whateverplayingbiglookslikeforyou,thinkaboutthis:Canyourinnercriticreallyhelpyoudothatmoreboldly,morequickly,andwithgreaterenjoyment?Canyourinnercriticmotivateyoutopursueyourcallings?No.

• Healthcosts.Whenwearemotivatedbyfearoffailure,stresshormonesfloodoursystems.Long-termstressiscorrelatedwithavarietyofhealthproblems,fromheartdiseasetoasthmatodepression.Humanbodiesarenotdesignedtobeinastressedstateforhourseachday,anditwrecksourhealthifweare.

Ifyoucareaboutyourphysical,emotional,andspiritualwell-being,listeningtotheinnercriticisnotaviablewaytostaymotivated.

Insomesense,thewomanattheaccountingfirmwhoaskedthequestionwascorrect:Ifsheletgoofherinnercritic,shemight,indeed,havetroublegettingmotivatedforawhile.Butinthatfallowtime,she’dhavethespacetobegintodiscoverwherehernaturalriverofmotivationlay.She’deitherfindapositivereasontogetexcitedaboutperformingwithexcellenceinhercurrentjob,suchasdoingincredibleworkwithherteam,sharinghertalentsintheworld,andearningmoreforherfamily,orshe’dneedtoexplorealternativerolesthatsparkedmoreofherpassion.

Noticing and Naming the Critic

Nowlet’sturntowhatyoucandodaytoday,momenttomoment,self-doubtingthoughttoself-doubtingthoughttoquietyourinnercritic.

Thedayofunfailing,gorgeousconfidenceisn’tcoming.Self-doubtwillalwaysbeapartofwhatweeachworkwithaswetakestepstoplaybigger.Thenameofthegameisnoteliminatingself-doubt.Thenameofthegameislearninghowtolettheinnercriticdoitsthing,withouttakingdirectionfromit.Thegoalistoheartheinnercritic’svoicebutnotletthatvoicedetermineyourchoices.

BestsellingauthorDaniShapiro’sworkhasappearedinTheNewYorker,Elle,TheNewYorkTimesBookReview,andtheLosAngelesTimes.Shehastaughtinthe


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writingprogramsatColumbiaUniversityandNYU.Byanyaccount,shehasplentyofevidencethatshe’sasuccessfulwriter.Andyethere’swhatshehastosayaboutself-doubtshowingupinherwritingprocess:

“IwaslookingatmycomputeronedayatmylistofeverythingIhadwritteninthelastfewyears—essays,stories,books,blogposts,everything.Irealizedthateverysingleoneofthesepieceshadbegunwiththewordsrunningthroughmymind,‘Heregoesnothing.Heregoesnothing.It’snotgoingtoworkthistime....Iknowit’sworkedbefore,butthistimesomehowI’minovermyhead.I’mnotgoingtogetitright,I’mnotgoingtobeabletofigureitout.Butyouknowwhat?I’mgonnadoitanyway”....I’vehadthispracticeforsomanyyearsnow,ofhearingthatvoicesay,‘Youcan’tdothis’andnotlisteningtothatvoice.Weallhavethatvoice,Icallitourinnersensor.It’salwayssittingonourshoulderinsomewayanditsaysdifferentthingstoeachofus.Itsays,‘You’restupid,’or‘Someoneelsediditbetter,’or‘Howdareyou?Whatrightdoyouhave?’...Thepracticeisinquietingthatvoice,notbanishingit.”CherryMurrayisthedeanofHarvardSchoolofEngineeringandApplied

Sciences.PriortohertenureatHarvard,sheledsomeofthenation’smostbrilliantscientistsandengineersasanexecutiveatBellLaboratoriesandtheLawrenceLivermoreNationalLaboratory.AsdescribedinanarticleinNature,“Shehaspublishedmorethan70papersinpeer-reviewedjournals,haswonanumberofawards,holdstwopatentsandhasservedonmorethan80nationalandinternationalscientificcommitteesandgoverningboards.Yettheself-doubtstilllurks.‘DoIeverthinkI’mnotqualified?’shesays.‘Allthetime.’”

TwylaTharp,award-winningchoreographer,describesinTheCreativeHabitthefivebigfearsthatstillplayoutinherartisticlife:

“1.Peoplewilllaughatme.2.Someonehasdoneitbefore.3.Ihavenothingtosay.4.IwillupsetsomeoneIlove.5.Onceexecuted,theideawillneverbeasgoodasitisinmymind.”


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Shewrites,“IfIletthem,they’llshutdownmyimpulses(‘No,youcan’tdo

that’)andperhapsturnoffthespigotsofcreativityaltogether.”Ithinkofitthisway:Ifwomenlikethese,womenattheverytopoftheir

fieldswhohaveeveryreasontofeelconfident,continuetograpplewithregularandseriousself-doubt,youandIprobablywilltoo.Infact,thesewomengrapplewithself-doubtbecausetheyareplayingbig,regularlyexposingthemselvestocriticismandvisiblefailuresandexpressingtheiruniqueideasandleadershipintheworld.Theirwordsshowthatthey’vebeenabletoplaybigbecausetheyknowtorecognizetheinnercriticasjustavoicewithin—nottheultimateauthority.

Italmostseemstooeasy,butit’strue:Youdon’thavetodoallthatmuchwithyourinnercritic.Inaculturethatisallaboutdoing,thisisacounterintuitivetruth.Recognizingthecritic’svoiceconsciouslyisoftenenoughtoimmediatelysnapusoutofitstrance.

Whyisnoticingandnamingthevoiceofself-doubtsopowerful?Liberatingyourselffromtheinfluenceoftheinnercriticdependsonaverysimpleinsight.Youarenotthecriticalvoice.Youarethepersonawareofthecriticalvoice.Youarethepersonfeelingperplexedbyitorbummedoutbyitorbelievingit.Youarethepersontryingtounderstanditandworkwithitandgetridofit.Youaretheentitythatishearingthevoice.Thecriticisnotthecoreofyou.Thecoreofyouistheyouofyouraspirations,ofyourinnerwisdom.Thecriticisakindofintruder.It’savoicethathappenstoplayinyourmind,butitisnotwhoyoureallyare.

Mostofusareuntrainedindifferentiatingthevariousvoiceswehearinourthoughts.Wethinktheyareall“us”inthesameway.Asyounametheinnercriticvoicewhenitshowsup,youbegintounbraiditfromtheotherstrandsof“you”:yourimagination,youraspirations,yourwisdom.Bysaying,“Oh,I’mhearingthecriticrightnow,”youcanrememberthat’sallitisandmoveforwarddespiteitsrantsandthreats.

But What If the Critical Voice Really Is Me?

Manytimes,whenIintroducetheideathatthecriticisnotwhowereallyare,awomanintheroomwillsaytome,“No,Tara,thisiswhoIreallyam.Thisishowmyvoice,mythinkingsounds.Thisisthe‘me’Iknowinmyownhead.”Afewothers


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willnodastheylistentoher.Ifyoufeelthatway,itsimplymeansthecritichastakenover—temporarily—asthedominantvoicewithin.Thiscanhappenforanumberofreasons:

• Workinginaroleorattendinganacademicprograminwhichcriticalthinkingisthedominantmode.Whenwespendyearsstrengtheningthecritical-thinkingmuscle(pokingholesinideas,findingtheproblemswithpotentialsolutions,etc.),assessment,skepticism,andcriticismbecomethedominantmodeswithwhichwerespondnotonlytoourworkbutalsotoourownburgeoningdreams.Whenitcomestoouraspirations,amorenurturingandgenerativeresponsewouldserveusbetter.

• Wereceivedconsistentcriticismfromkeypeopleinourlivesinearlychildhoodandhaveinternalizedtheirvoices.

• Thecritichaswonout—fornow.Formanywomen,thereisaself-compoundingqualitytotheinnercritic.Onceallowedtobeincharge,thecritictakesmoreandmorecontrol,asifaconquerorgatheringterritory.Likeanuntreated,progressivedisease,thisworsensovertime.Asitdoes,yourcomfortzoneshrinksandossifies.Whenthathappens,youwillstarttofeelliketheinnercriticis“justyou”becauseit’stheprimaryvoiceinyourhead.

Ifyoufeelliketheinnercriticis“justwhoyouare,”restassured:It’snot.You

areinforsomewonderful,liberatingchangesasyouusethepracticesinthischapter.You’llstarttohearandknowtheothervoiceswithin.Ipromise.

The Practices: What to Do, Moment to Moment, When Self-

Doubt Shows Up

1. Labelandnotice.Whenyouhearyourcritictalking,labelthisvoicebysimplysayingtoyourself,“Oh,I’mhearingmyinnercriticrightnow.”Thisisthefoundationalinnercriticpracticeonwhichalltheothersdepend.


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2. Separatethe“I”fromtheinnercritic.Forexample,youmightsay,“My

innercriticishavingalittlefreak-outrightnow”ratherthan“I’mhavingafreak-outrightnow.”Whenyourefertotheinnercriticastheinnercritic,insteadofconflatingitwiththecore“I”ofyou,youtrainyourmindthatthecriticissimplyonevoicewithinyouandnottheprimaryone.

3. Createacharacterthatpersonifiesyourinnercritic.ThisisagreattoolthatIlearnedfromtheCoachesTrainingInstitute.Thejournalingquestionsandexampleslaterinthischapterwillguideyou,stepbystep,indoingthis.Whenyoucreateacharacterwithanameandvisualimage,youhelpyourselfrememberthatthecriticisnotthecoreofyou,it’sonevoice,withitsownpersonalityandpathology.It’seasiertogetahandleonthecriticbecauseyoucanseeitswordsascomingfromafinite(andusuallyratherabsurd)character.Youcanbegintohaveasenseofhumoraboutthecritictoo.Afterall,whatit’ssayingisusuallyridiculous!

4. Compassionatelyseeyourinnercritic’smotives.Whenyouhearthe

critic,checkinandaskthatvoiceofself-doubt,“Whatareyoutryingtodorightnow?Whatharmareyoutryingtoprotectmefrom?”Onceyou’vecreatedaninnercriticcharacter,youcanpictureyourcharacterandactuallyaskhimorher,inyourmind’seye,whathisorhermotivationis.Youmightaskwhatheorsheismostafraidof.Onceyouareintouchwiththerootofthecritic’sintentions,respondwithcompassiontowardthecritic’smisguidedattempttokeepyousafe—usuallyfromattack,embarrassment,isolation,orfailure.Agreatwaytodothisistoacknowledgethosemotivesandthensincerelyrespondwith,“Thankssomuchforyourinput,butI’vegotthisonecovered.”

5. Lookforthehumor.Askyourself,Whatisabsurdorfunnyaboutwhat

mycriticissayingrightnow?

6. Removeyourcriticfromthescene.Eitherstandupand“actout”walkingyourinnercriticcharacterintoadifferentspaceorimaginehim


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orhergoingofftoadifferentplace.Thenbeginyourworkagainknowing“It’sjustmehere—theinnercriticisonabreakfornow.”

7. Pantomimeputtingallyourinnercriticthoughtsintoavessel(acup,bowl,box).Thenmovethatvesseloutoftheroomandbeginyourworkagainwiththesensethatthecriticisn’tpresentintheroomwithyouanymore.

8. Picturethevoicerecedingintospace.Noticewhere,physically,itfeelsliketheinnercriticvoiceislocatedinoraroundyourbody,andpicturethevoicerecedingintospace,movingawayfromyou.

9. Imagineyoucansimplyturndownthevolumeonthecritic’svoice.

Seean“innercriticvolumedial”inyourmind’seyeandturnthevolumewaydown.

Inner Critic Don’ts: Arguing and Attacks

Theseninetoolsgiveyoulotsofoptionsforwhattodowhentheinnercriticshowsup.Therearealsoacoupleimportant“don’ts”—whatnottodowhenyouhearthecritic.

FitnesscoachJillianMichaelsisknownas“America’sToughestTrainer.”Acoupleofyearsago,wetalkedabouttheinnercriticonherradioshow,andweexploredhowJillian’sinnercritichadimpactedher.

Jillianaskedmewhatwedoafterweacknowledgethecritic:“Tellhertopissoff?”sheasked.Shewasstartingtoseeallthewayshercritichadheldherback,andunderstandably,shewasgettingangryaboutit.

“Well,howwellhasthatworkedinthepast?”IaskedJillian.“Well,she’snotgone...”sheanswered.Jillianhadtheinstinctmanyofushave:tomaketheinnercritictheenemy

andblastitwithanger.Thatcanfeellikeanempoweredresponse,butit’snot.Wedon’teverwanttomakeapartofustheenemy,togotowarwithapartof


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ourselves.Plus,anangry,forcefulresponsedoesn’tmaketheinnercriticshrinkaway.Infact,itcanstrengthenthecritic’spower.

Why?Imagineforamomentthattheinnercriticvoiceisaveryafraidchildmisbehavingbecauseofhisorherterror.Wouldtellingthatchildto“leaveyoualone”or“shutup”causethechildtobehavebetter?No.Reassurance,love,andaddressingthechild’sunderlyingfearswould.Thecriticislikethatchild,stemmingfromaveryafraidpartofourselves.Bygettingangryatit,weoftenjustinflameit.

JillianandItalkedabouthowelseonecouldrespond:noticingandnamingthecritic,understandingthecritic’smotivationsofself-protectionsothatwecouldthenreassuretheafraidpartofourselvesandmoveforwardinspiteofthecritic’sdoubts.

Likegettingangry,arguingwiththevoiceofself-doubtisanotherknee-jerkresponsemanyofushave,andit’sjustasineffectiveasaforcefulorangryresponse.Arguingsoundslikethis:

Yourcriticsays:“Youlookugly!”Yousay(ortrytosay)back,“No,Ilookgreatinthis!”Yourcriticsays,“Youaren’tpreparedenoughforthispresentation—youare

abouttolosethisclient!”Yousay,“No,Iwon’t—Ididagoodjobpreparing!”

Weneverwinargumentswithourinnercritics.Whenyouspendanytimearguingwiththecritic,thecriticis“winning”becausewhileyouarebusyarguingwithit,youarenotdoingyourthing,puttingyourvoiceoutthere,riskingfailuretofulfillyouraspirations,nurturingyourbuddingdreams.Plus,yourcritichasalonglistofreasonsyoushouldn’tplaybigger,andifyousuccessfullywintheargumentaboutreason#84,thecriticwillsimplymoveontoreason#85.It’sarabbithole.Youdon’thavetowintheargumentwithyourinnercritic;youhavetostepawayfromtheconversation.

Youcandothiswiththesimple“Oh,I’mhearingthecriticnow”thatwe’vetalkedabout—bynoticingandnamingthecritic’svoice.Youcanalsoaddasecondtoolfromthelist:investigatingthecritic’smotives.Whenyouhearthevoiceofself-doubt,askthatvoice,“Whatareyoutryingtodo?Whatareyoutryingtopreventorprotectmefrom?”Whenyouareintouchwithitsunderlyingmotives,youcan


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compassionatelyseetheinnercritic’sintentions:tokeepyousafefromthekindsofattack,embarrassment,orisolationitmostfears.

MyowninnercriticoftencomesupwhenIheadintocertainspeakingengagements(“Thisaudiencewillnevergoforthis!Youdon’thaveenoughresearchbackingupwhatyouaregoingtosay!”)orwhenIhaveamediaappearancecomingup(“Youhaven’tbeentakinggoodcareofyourselfandyou’regoingtolookhorrible.Youdidn’tgooveryourtalkingpoints.Youaretotallyunpreparedforthisone!”).

Oneofmyfavoritethingstosaybacktomyowninnercriticinthesesituationsisthissimplesentence:“Thanks,butI’vegotthisonecovered.”That“thankyou”issincere,notflippant.WhenIsayit,Ifeelrealappreciationforthecritic’sattempttoprotectmefrompotentialembarrassmentorfailureinthesehighlyvisiblemoments.Inthe“butI’vegotthisonecovered,”themorematuremetakesbackthesteeringwheel,reassuringthefearfulpartofmethatthingsareokay.It’slikefindingthecalm,responsibleadultwithinwhocansaytothehystericalchild,“Youdon’tneedtoworry.I’lltakecareofushere.”WhenIsaythosewords,I’mneitherarguingwiththecriticnorrepressingit.I’mhearingtheobjection,providingsomereassurance,andmovingon.

What if My Inner Critic Character Is My Mom?

Afewyearsago,Igaveaworkshopontheinnercriticforalargenationalwomen’sorganization.Mostofthewomenintheaudiencewereoversixtyandhadbeenpioneers—amongthefirstwomenintheirprofessionalfield.

Howwouldtheyrespondtothetopicoftheinnercritic,Iwondered.Wouldtheystillbegrapplingwiththevoiceofself-doubt,orwouldtheyhavemovedfarbeyondit?Orwouldwomenwhohadbeensuchtrailblazershavebeenrelativelyfreefromself-doubtallalong?

AsIspokeabouttheinnercritic,therewaslotsofnodding,laughter,andtearsofrecognition.Onewomaninthebackraisedherhand.“Myinnercriticvoiceismymother’sinternalizedvoice,”shesaid,“andI’mwonderinghowmanyotherwomenintheroomthatwastruefortoo.”


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Wedidashowofhands.Aboutthree-quartersofthehandsintheroomwent

up.Three-quartersofthewomenintheroomhadseensomeversionoftheirmothersastheirinnercritic.

Thiswasnew.WhenIteachaninnercriticworkshoptomidcareerorearly-careerwomen,usuallysomenoticethattheirinnercriticconnectstotheirmother’svoice,butthatconnectionisnotnearlyascommonasitwasfortheseolderwomen.

Itoldthewomenintheroomthattheprevalenceofmotherinnercriticswasunusualandaskedthemwhattheythoughtaboutit.“Ourmothersraisedusinaverydifferenttime.Theywereteachingushowtobeappropriatewomen—thekindofwomenwhocouldsurviveintheculture.Weweretaughttobepolite,tofindagoodhusband,totakecareofourchildren—tofocusonourfamilyfirst.”Iwonderifthisisanexpressionoftheprogresswomenhavemade.Liberatedthemselves,perhapsfarfewermotherstodayareimpartingthekindsofbeliefsandjudgmentsthatbecomeaharshinnercriticvoiceinsidetheirdaughters.

Butnomatterwhatyourage,youaren’taloneifyou’venoticedthatyourinnercriticisanechoofyourmother’svoice.Afterall,noonehasasformativeanimpactonourpsychesasourmothers.Butyoualsoaren’taloneifyounoticeyourinnercriticvoiceisanechoofyourfather’svoice,oryoursisters’oryourbrothers’.Noneofthoseareuncommoneither.

Orperhapsyounoticethevoiceofasignificantmentor,professor,orboss.Onanotheroccasion,Igaveaninnercriticworkshoptowomeninalargelawfirm.Therewereaboutfiftypartners,juniorpartners,andassociatesintheroom.

Peoplehadseemedengagedandweretakinglotsofnotes,butwhenIaskedpeopletowritedownadescriptionofacharacterwhopersonifiedtheircritic,andtogivethatcharacteraname,theroomwenttotallysilent.Ilookedaroundandsawthatallthepensintheroomstoppedmoving.IassumedIhadn’tgivencleardirectionsforthewritingexercise,soIrepeatedthem,thistimepayingmoreattentiontomywords.Still,nopensmoved.

“I’mnoticingnooneiswriting,”Isaid,alittlenervously.Myowninnercriticwasgettingworriedthatthematerialwastooout-thereforthemandtheyhadgivenuponme.“Didtheinstructionsmakesense?”

“Oh,yes,theymadesense,”oneoftheyoungerwomenintheroomsaid,withakindofchuckleinhervoice.“Ijustcan’twritethisstuffdownaboutmyinnercritic


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characterbecauseit’ssomeonewhoworkshere.”Womenaroundtheroomnoddedandlaughedinrecognition.

“Howmanypeopleintheroomarehavingthatsameproblemrightnow?”Iasked.Dozensofhandswentup.

Thecultureatthisfirmwastough.Itwashighlycompetitive,andfeedbackwasgiveninaninsensitiveway.Mostofthewomenintheroomhadaninternalizedinnercriticthatwasreflectiveofthefirm’sculture—andinparticular,reflectiveofafewharshseniorvoicesinthecompany.

If,asyou’vebeenreadingthischapter,you’venoticedthatyourinnercriticsoundslikeaninternalizedvoiceofafamilymemberorprofessionalcolleagueorboss,youcanusethistoyouradvantage.Youknowsomethingaboutthisperson’sstrugglesandfears.Youcanprobablyseesomeofthewoundsintheirownlifethatledtothebeliefsthatyou’veinternalizedasaninnercritic.Youcanshinethelightofunderstandingonyourcriticevenmorebrightlybecauseofyourfamiliaritywiththisperson.

Second,don’tblame.It’snotthisperson’sfaultthatyougrapplewithself-doubt.Rememberthatwearehardwiredforthecritic:Ifyourinnercriticdidn’tfindinspirationinyourmother,yourfather,oryourboss,itwouldhavefounditelsewhere.

Andthird,don’tpreach.Especiallywithfamilymembers,youmightfeeltemptedtogotellthemaboutyournewdiscoveryofyourinnercriticandwhattheyhadtodowithit!Notagoodmove.Thebestwayyoucanbeofservicetobothyourowngrowthandtotheirsistofocusonyourowninnerwork.Theywillbemoreinfluencedbywhoyoubecomethanbywhatyoutrytotellthem.

Getting to Know Your

Inner Critic — Journaling Questions .....................................................................................Writedownsomeofthethingsthatyourinnercriticsays.Whatareitscommonlyvoicedbeliefs?Ifyouarehavingtroublethinkingofwhatitsays,herearesomesituationsthatmaypromptyouranswers:


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• What—ifanything—doesitsaytoyouwhenyoucontemplatespeakingup

aboutsomethingthatfeelsscaryorlikeastretchduringanimportantmeetingatwork?

• Whenyouthinkaboutmakingacareermovethatexcitesyou?• Whenyoucomeupwithabigidea?• Aboutstartingawebsiteorblogofsomekind?• Whenyouwalkintoapartywhereyoudon’tknowmanypeople?• Whenyouarefeelingchallengedasaparent,wife,ordaughter?• Aboutreclaimingacreativehobbyorsharingyourcreativeworkwith

others?• Whenyou’regettingdressedinthemorning?• Whenyoulookinthemirror?• Whenyouaretryingonclothesinastoreorgettingdressedforan

importantevent?

Sometimes,ourinnercriticstake“inspiration”frompeopleinourlives—thatabusivebossfromyearsago,themeanadvisorfromgraduateschool,atoughfamilymember.Doesyourinnercriticechoanyexternalcritics?Sometimes,ourinnercriticshaveculturalsources.Forexample,youmightseeyourinnercriticisthearchetypeof“theperfectSouthernwife”or“theidealdaughterinChineseculture.”Whatculturalarchetypesdoesyourinnercriticembodyoraskyoutoliveupto?Lookingoveryourinnercritic’scommonnarratives,brainstormfiveadjectivesthatdescribeyourinnercritic’spersonality.Forexample,maybeyourinnercriticishyperoranxiousorpeople-pleasingorstubborn.Createacharacter.Bringyourinnercritic’svoicetomind.Notice:Doesitsoundlikeafemalevoiceormalevoice?Anoldervoiceorayoungervoice?Fromthere,starttoimagine:Ifyourinnercriticwereaperson,whatkindofpersonwoulditbe?Anold,sternprofessor?Thepopulargirlinhighschool?


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Createacharacterthatpersonifiesyourinnercritic.Youcaninventacharacterorpickafigurefromfilm,literature,politics,orpopculture.Buildoutaportraitofhisorherlife:Wheredoesyourcriticlive?Whatdoesheorshewear?Whatdoesheorsheeatforbreakfast?Nameyourcharacterandbegintocallitbyitsnamewhenitshowsup.

LisaJemus,astudentinmyPlayingBigprogram,putitthisway,“Myinnercriticisanolderfemale.Sheisinadarkkitchenwiththisfringylamplightingher.She’sgotthelongfingernailsandtheredlipstickandthedarkdyedhair.She’sgotacracklysortofvoice,andshe’squitemean.InamedherSharza.WhenIwrotehernameagainattheendofallthedescribing,Iwrote,‘Hah,whatajoke!’Ithought,‘Shedoesn’tevenknowwhatshe’stalkingabout.’That’sreallywhatIfeltinthatmoment,andIhadneverfeltthatbeforeaboutthisvoiceinme.Thatwasagift.Ilookatherwithquiteabitofhumoractually.Thewholethingisquitefunny.”

Here’showRebekahdescribedhers:“Inamedmyinnercritic‘SlaveDriver.’Shehasharshangularfeaturesanddishwaterblondhair.She’ssuperintense,highenergy,muscular.She’salwaysinmotion,alwaysdemandingmore.Shecarriesawhipatherhipanddrivesaveryfastredcar.It’skindoffuntolaughatitnowthatIgotitwrittenalloutthere.She’sbitteroverherpastandwantstoprojectthatonme.Shekeepsherselfsafebylivingbystrictrulesandwantstoimposethemonmealso.She’stryingtokeepmebusy,alwayspushingmetobemore,domore.Thereissomethingdeepwithinherthatshe’sneverdealtwiththatshecopeswithbybeingbusy,projectingherpainandneedforbusynessontome.”

Youmayfindthatyourinnercritichasafewdifferentvoices.Forexample,onecriticvoicemightsoundlikeaformerceramicsteacherandshowuparoundyourpottery,onemightworryaboutdisappointingpeopleandsopushesyoutoovercommit,andonemightgetreallycynicalandnastyandgiveuponthingsabruptly.That’sgreat—you’rerefiningyourunderstandingofhowtheinnercriticoperatesinyourlife.Youcanuntanglethethreadofyourinnercriticintoseveraldifferentstrands.KellieMcElhaney,aprofessoratUCBerkeley’sHaasSchoolofBusiness,talksabouthertwoinnercritics:

“Ihavetwoinnercritics.Oneisapersonallifeinnercriticandoneisaprofessionallifeinnercritic.Thepersonallifeinnercriticis


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HeatherfromthefilmHeathers.Theprofessionalinnercriticisthestereotypicalold,maleprofessor.InmymindhelookslikeEbenezerScrooge.Interestingly,theyoftencrossoveroutoftheirareaofexpertise.Thepersonalinnercritic,Heather,willcriticizemeaboutthingsonthejob(aboutwhichsheknowsnothing),andtheprofessorwillcriticizemeaboutmypersonallife.”

Journalaboutyourinnercriticcharacter.What’sheorshelike?Whatwouldhisorhernamebe?

Howdoespersonifyingthecriticlightenitsinfluenceandhelpyoutakeitlessseriously?Howdoesithelpyouseeitassimplyonevoicewithin—notthewholeofyouortherealyou?

Investigateyourcritic’smotives.Thinkofsomethingthatyourinnercriticistalkingtoyouaboutatthisstageofyourlife.Closeyoureyes.Picturethecharacterthatyou’vecreated.Heartheinnercriticsayingthatthingitsays.Then,inyourmind’seye,askhimorher,“Whyareyousayingthattome?Whatareyoutryingtoachievebysayingthat?”

Writeasincere“thankyou,butnothankyou”notetotheinnercritic.Hereisanexample:

DearPerfectionista—Ifeelyourpain!Lifecanbesostressful,andIknowyoubelievestronglythatifwejustworkreallyhard,ifwejustdoanexcellentjob,lifewillbesafe,andpeoplewilllikeus.Youhavehelpedusgetgoodresultsinlotsofsituations.Andyourworkethicisincredible!Rightnow,however,Iamgoingtotryanotherapproach.I’mokaywithoutyouinthissituation.Thankssomuchfortryingtoprotectme,asalways.I’llseeyoulater.—Jeannie

Ifyou’remotivatedinpartbyyourcritic,lookback:Wheninyourlifedidyouexperiencealotofmotivationthatdidn’tcomefromfearandself-doubt?Whatmotivatedyouthen?Howdidactingfromthatplacefeel,andwhatweretheresults?


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Friendly Warning:

Inner Critic Work is Ongoing .....................................................................................Asyouusethetoolsandjournalingquestionsinthischapter,you’llfindyourrelationshipwithyourinnercriticbeginstochange.Butnomatterhowamazingyourinitialresults,don’tthinkyouaredone!Thecriticwillbeback.Rememberthefunctionofthecritic:totrytokeepyousafefromanyemotionalrisk,eventhoseemotionalrisksyouwanttotakeontheroadtoplayingbigger.Itwillspeakupwhenyoustretchinnewways.Comebacktothetoolsandjournalingquestionsagainandagainasyouneedthem.

Theinnercriticisacrafty,rapidlyevolvingentity.Let’ssayyourinnercriticusedtoshowupwithmessagespressuringyoutoworklonghours.Yousuccessfullybecameawareofitandarereducingyourhoursandvaluingyourfreetime.Youcanexpecttoheartheinnercriticshowupwiththeoppositemessage—thatyouarenotdoingagoodenoughjobreducinghoursandvaluingyourfreetime!Itwillworkitselfintoyournewframework;itwillusethecurrencyofwhatyouvalueatanygivenmoment.Whenyoulearntorecognizeyourinnercritic’susuallines,itwillinventnewonesandcomeatyoufromadifferentangle.So,expecttouseinnercriticmanagementtoolsinanongoingwayinyourlife.Thesearepracticesforforever.

.....................................................................................

The Big Ideas

1. Havinganinnercriticisneitherabnormalnorpathological.Weallhaveinnercritics.

2. Thecriticisonevoiceinyou—avoicethatmayhavebecomedominant.Butit’snotthecoreyou.Thecoreyouistheyouofyourtalents,youraspirations,andyourdesiretoexpressandreceiveloveintheworldinyouruniqueway.

3. Thegoalisn’ttogetridofyourinnercritic.Thegoalistolearnhowtohearthosecrazythoughtsandself-doubts,knowthemforwhattheyare,andnotletthemdeterminewhatyoudo.


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4. Theinnercriticisworriedaboutkeepingyousafe.Itdoesn’tcareatallwhetheryouarefulfilledalongtheway.Ifyoulistentothecritic,you’lltakefewerrisksofacertainkind,butyouwon’tmakethecontributionyouaremeanttomake.

5. Thefoundationaltoolfordealingwiththeinnercriticisthis:Recognizetheinnercriticwhenitshowsupandnameitforwhatitis.


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What’s Next? Get the Book!

Ifyouwanttoplaybigger,movepastself-doubtandfear,andstartgoingforyourcallings,getyouPlayingBigbook,publishedbyPenguinRandomHouse.You’lllearnhowtomanageyourinnercritic,unhookfrompraiseandcriticismsoyoucandoyourboldestwork,takeswiftactiontowardsyourdreams,andsomuchmore.Grabyourcopyhere.

Praise for Playing Big

"Atlast.Atlastthisveryimportantbookhasbeenwritten,encouragingwomentotakeupallthecreativespacetheydeserveintheworld.Ihopeitwillempowerlegionsofwomentostepintotheirgreatness.Icouldn'tbehappieraboutthispublication."

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"Withclarity,warmthandwisdom,Tarashinesalightonourblockstomanifestingourpotential,andofferspractical,well-honedstrategiesthatmoveustowardfulfillment.Thisisabookthatcantransformthetrajectoryofyourlife."

TaraBrachAuthorofRadicalAcceptance&TrueRefuge

https://www.taramohr.com/the-playing-big-book/


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About Tara

TaraMohrisanexpertonwomen’sleadershipandwell-being.SheistheauthorofPlayingBig:PracticalWisdomforWomenWhoWanttoSpeakUp,Create,andLead,namedabestbookoftheyearbyApple’siBooks.TaraisthecreatorandteacheroftheglobalPlayingBigleadershipprogramforwomen,andcreatorofthePlayingBigFacilitatorsTrainingforcoaches,therapists,managersandmentors.SheisaCoachesTrainingInstitute-certifiedcoachwithanMBAfromStanfordUniversityandanundergraduatedegreeinEnglishliteraturefromYale.HerworkhasbeenfeaturedonnationalmediafromtheNewYorkTimestoTodayShowtoHarvardBusinessReview.ShelivesinSanFranciscowithherhusband,son,anddaughter.

https://www.taramohr.com/the-playing-big-book/

https://playingbig.taramohr.com/

https://playingbig.taramohr.com/facilitators-training/

Chapter 1 - The Inner Critic - Playing Big by Tara Mohr

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