By Christy Fredrickson

© Copyright 2010, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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PISTOLS & POSIES

By CHRISTY FREDRICKSON

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In order of appearance)

# of lines

MAMA MIA ......................... (F) fearsome mob boss 69THUG 1 ......................(M or F) Mama’s right-hand thug 11THUG 2 ......................(M or F) Mama’s left-hand thug 4DETECTIVE O’NEAL ............ (M) policeman trying to infi ltrate 30

Primo’s organizationSERGEANT MURPHY ....(M or F) policeman/policewoman 7PRIMO MALVONE ............... (M) powerful mob boss 192TITO ................................. (M) Primo’s right-hand man 43DINO ................................ (M) Primo’s left-hand man 26ISABELLA MALVONE ............ (F) Primo’s wife; thinks he has 88

gone straight and become a businessman in fl owers

VINCENT DE SALVA ............ (M) Primo’s accountant; accused 63 of stealing $50,000

ADRIANA ............................ (F) Primo and Isabella’s oldest 78 daughter; smart

BIANCA .............................. (F) another daughter; a fl irt 57CARLINA ............................ (F) youngest daughter 23RICO LINGUINI .................. (M) important Chicago 31

businessman; opening a fancy new supper club

LUIGI LAMBORGHINI .......... (M) Isabella’s brother; famous 29 Italian opera singer who now loves jazz

GINA ................................. (F) Luigi’s assistant and a singer n/aBETTINA ............................ (F) another n/aALBERTO ....................(M or F) Luigi’s chauffeur n/a

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SETTINGTIME: The roaring twenties.PLACE: Chicagoland.The play takes place at the home of Primo and Isabella Malvone. RIGHT is an offi ce with a desk, a desk chair, two other large chairs, a bookcase, lamps and a trash can. On the wall is a small safe that has a working door with a combination lock. LEFT is the living room, elegantly furnished with a sofa, two chairs, a coffee table, lamps and a rug. At FAR LEFT is the front door of the house. CENTER, between the offi ce and living room, is a tall table or stand with a statue, plant, etc., on it. The table is draped with a cloth so VINCENT can easily hide under it. There are three exits: the LEFT EXIT is the main door of the house; the RIGHT EXIT leads to a back area of the house; the CENTER EXIT leads to the kitchen and other interior areas of the house.ACT ONE, Scene One and ACT TWO, Scene One, which take place on a street, are played in front of the curtain.

ABOUT PROHIBITION(May be included in the program, if desired.)

Pistols & Posies is set during the time of Prohibition, which was a period in American history when the manufacturing, sale and transporting of alcohol was illegal. However, people found ways to get alcohol in spite of the law. Alcoholic drinks became available at illegal establishments called “speakeasies.” Speakeasies got their name because people had to “speak easy” or quietly when they wanted to get in, so as not to get in trouble with the law.Gangsters owned many of the speakeasies, often disguised as real businesses such as fl ower shops. They protected these money-making businesses with hired thugs. When it became apparent that Prohibition was making gangsters rich and drastically increasing crime, the law was repealed. Prohibition, which began in 1920, came to an end in 1933.

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Pistols and P

osies - Set D

esign

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PISTOLS & POSIES

ACT ONEScene One

While HOUSE LIGHTS are still UP, DINO and TITO go through the audience with a photo of VINCENT, asking audience members if they’ve seen him. HOUSE LIGHTS DIM and TITO and DINO EXIT.LIGHTS UP: Played in front of the curtain, a DIM SPOTLIGHT on a back alley. MAMA MIA and TWO THUGS ENTER LEFT.THUG 1: I gotta bad feeling about this, Mama Mia. Meetin’ with the

cops ain’t safe. Them coppers don’t play fair.MAMA MIA: (Turns on him.) You don’t think I can handle ’em?THUG 1: I didn’t say that! I’m just sayin’ we gotta be careful!MAMA MIA: Of course we gotta be careful! I don’t control this mob

by bein’ reckless, do I?THUG 1: No, Mama Mia!MAMA MIA: I don’t like cops, but we agree about one thing—bringin’

down Primo Malvone. That detective wants Primo real bad. I want him outta the way so I can take over his racket. I fi gure we can help each other, for the right price.

THUG 2: Mama Mia, Primo’s gotta lotta boys. You don’t think one of them will want to take over his racket?

MAMA MIA: They’ll want to, but they can’t. I know a little secret about our friend Primo. His wife thinks he went straight a long time ago. Somethin’ happens to Primo, she’ll want to do things legal. You can’t make money in this town by bein’ legal. Pretty soon she’ll be broke and all her boys will come to work for me. Mama Mia will rule Chicago.

THUG 1: You’re a genius, Mama Mia. (DETECTIVE O’NEAL and SERGEANT MURPHY ENTER RIGHT.)

MAMA MIA: Don’t you forget it. Shut it now, here they come. (MAMA MIA and THUGS meet O’NEAL and MURPHY CENTER.)

O’NEAL: Mama Mia?MAMA MIA: Maybe. Whaddya want?O’NEAL: Thank you for meeting with me. I won’t keep you long, I know

you don’t want any of your… er… business associates to know you’re meeting with cops.

MAMA MIA: Get to the point. We don’t got all day.O’NEAL: Okay, the point is this. I want to bring down Primo Malvone.MAMA MIA: Don’t we all.

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O’NEAL: He’s been a thorn in my side for years, but I can’t get any proof on him. I need help from the inside.

MAMA MIA: So?O’NEAL: So that’s where you come in. I want you to meet with Primo

and fi nd out where his warehouses are.MAMA MIA: What?O’NEAL: Primo’s tricky. He looks like a legitimate businessman with

that fl ower shop of his. But I know he has to keep his booze somewhere. I want you to fi nd out where.

MAMA MIA: You don’t want much, do ya? C’mon, boys. (Starts to leave.)

O’NEAL: I’ll make it worth your time!MAMA MIA: (Turns back.) Now you’re talkin’!O’NEAL: You help me bring down Primo, and I’ll leave you alone for a

whole year. No more raids on your speakeasies, no more arresting your boys. With Primo gone, you’ll rule this town.

MAMA MIA: One year? C’mon, Detective. You gotta do better than that. I already rule this town. Primo’s just a piker, an amateur. He’s nothin’ but a cockroach. I just ain’t had time to squish him yet.

O’NEAL: That’s not true and you know it. You’ve been wanting to take Primo down for years. After one year of no cops and no Primo, you’ll be the most powerful boss in Chicago.

MAMA MIA: (Pokes him in the chest.) I’m already the most powerful boss in Chicago. (Appears to think about it.) I wouldn’t mind gettin’ Primo out of the way, but he’s a slippery lug. It might take awhile. You cops leave me alone for fi ve years an’ I’ll think about it.

O’NEAL: Two years, that’s my fi nal offer.MAMA MIA: Three years and I get you the scoop by Thursday.O’NEAL: Done. It’s a pleasure doing business with you, Mama Mia.MAMA MIA: Likewise. C’mon, boys. (EXITS LEFT with THUGS.)MURPHY: Think it’ll work, Detective?O’NEAL: It’ll work. Mama Mia’s been wanting to bring down Primo as

bad as I have for a long time. If it doesn’t work, you’ll have to go undercover.

MURPHY: (Frightened.) Undercover! In Malvone’s mob?O’NEAL: What’s the matter? You scared of Primo?MURPHY: I’m not scared, exactly. I just have other things I’d rather

do.O’NEAL: Like what?MURPHY: Live.

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O’NEAL: Don’t worry, this will work. (Rubs his hands together.) I can’t wait to get the cuffs on that Primo Malvone! He’s going to look good behind bars! (EXITS RIGHT with MURPHY. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP: LIGHTS UP FULL on the Malvone home.PRIMO: (ENTERS CENTER.) Tito! Dino! Get in here, you lugs!TITO: (Runs ON RIGHT with DINO.) Yes, boss?DINO: Yes, boss?PRIMO: Any sign of him?TITO: No, boss. Nobody seen nothin’.PRIMO: (Punches his hand.) That sneakin’ little rat! It’s not bad enough

he had to steal fi fty G’s from me. Then he had to go and mess up today. Of all days!

DINO: What’s up, boss?PRIMO: (Grabs DINO by the collar.) Whaddya mean, what’s up? Where

you been the past two days?DINO: (Squeaks.) We been lookin’ for the rat, boss.TITO: He’s right, boss, we ain’t been here. What happened? You want

us to shoot somebody? (Takes out a pistol and polishes it.)PRIMO: (Lets DINO go.) Ah, I forgot you ain’t been around. (Walks

around, agitated while he lists his problems.) I gotta fi nd that rat Vinnie and break his legs for stealin’ my dough. You know about that. Meanwhiles, I gotta new customer comin’ by today. Rico Linguini.

TITO: Linguini! Ain’t he the lug that’s startin’ that new supper club?PRIMO: Correct. Supper club and live jazz in the front, gamblin’ and

booze in the back. Very classy joint.DINO: A joint like that’d use a lotta booze, boss. He should let us

supply him.PRIMO: Dino, your mama musta dropped you on your head. Why do

you think he’s comin’ here today?TITO: What else is goin’ on, boss?PRIMO: Mama Mia. She wants a meetin’.TITO: A meetin’! With Mama Mia?!DINO: Don’t fall for it, boss, it’s a trap! Mama Mia’s a pernana.

(Pronounces it “per-na-nah.”)PRIMO/TITO: (Look at DINO and speak together.) A what?

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DINO: A pernana. You know, them little fi sh that eat you up.PRIMO: (Whacks him.) That’s a piranha, you moron.DINO: Yeah, a piranha. Mama Mia’s mean, boss! She’ll eat you alive!PRIMO: (Grabs his collar.) What did you say?DINO: I… uh… said… Mama Mia’s mean but she ain’t no match for

you, boss!PRIMO: (Shoves him.) That’s what I thought you said.TITO: How come she wants to meet with you, boss?PRIMO: I dunno. I ain’t fi gured out her angle yet. Any time that dame

wants to meet with someone it ain’t gonna be no tea party.ISABELLA: (From OFFSTAGE LEFT; speaks with an Italian accent.)

Primo? Primo!PRIMO: My wife! You boys know the routine. (He, TITO and DINO

scramble around, looking busy. ISABELLA ENTERS LEFT.) You got that, Tito? Ten cases of roses and six cases of daisies for tomorrow.

TITO: (Pulls out a small notebook and pen, and writes.) Got it, boss. What about geraniums?

PRIMO: We got enough geraniums for now.ISABELLA: Primo, are you busy?PRIMO: Bella, cara mia! I’m never too busy for you! (Takes her hand

and kisses it.)ISABELLA: Primo, I am so happy you have changed your wicked ways.

No longer you have to fear the police. No longer you have to bring down other gangsters. You are respectable! The fi nest fl orist in Chicago!

PRIMO: Yeah, yeah. Er, Bella, you need something? Me and the boys are busy… you know… discussin’ fl owers.

ISABELLA: I want to remind you, my darling, today is very busy day.PRIMO: (Mutters.) No kiddin’.ISABELLA: What?PRIMO: Nothin, go on.ISABELLA: Did you forget that my brother, the great Luigi Lamborghini,

is coming for a visit?PRIMO: (Whacks his head.) I did forget! Geez, does that lug hafta

come NOW?ISABELLA: Primo, he is my brother! And he is the greatest opera

singer in Italy! We will have a big party tonight, with lots of your lovely fl owers.

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PRIMO: Bella, not tonight! We’re busy! Me an’ the boys got… er… lots to do!

ISABELLA: Primo, Luigi has to leave tomorrow. He is very famous, very busy! Why you don’t want to do this one little thing for me? You don’t love me anymore?

PRIMO: Ah, Bella, you know I love you, it’s just…ISABELLA: (Advances on PRIMO, pushing him in the chest.) Maybe

you’re too busy for your own family? All the time you say, “Bella, I’d climb the mountain for you. Bella, I’d swim the ocean for you.” But when I ask this little tiny thing, you say, “Bella, I’m too busy for you!”

PRIMO: Okay, okay! We’ll have a party tonight. But not a big one.ISABELLA: Very well, my darling, a small party only. But it must be

beautiful, tasteful. We must show Luigi how special he is to us. I want many of your beautiful fl owers! Hundreds of fl owers!

PRIMO: All right, Bella. I’ll take care of it.ISABELLA: Thank you, my darling. (Blows him a kiss.) Ciao! (EXITS

RIGHT. The MEN watch her leave.)DINO: (Follows her to the EXIT.) She’s gone.PRIMO: (Rants and fl ings his arms.) Holy cannoli! As if I don’t got

enough problems! A stinkin’ party tonight! Where am I gonna get that many fl owers?

TITO: We got a few at the fl ower shop, boss.PRIMO: Get ’em.DINO: I can pick some outta the park.PRIMO: Do it.TITO: An’ maybe we can buy some.PRIMO: You want to spend our hard-earned money on posies for some

opera pipsqueak?!TITO: No, boss.PRIMO: Then fi nd ’em some other way. Shoot somebody if you have

to.TITO: Yes, boss.PRIMO: Well, what are you waiting for? Get going! (TITO and DINO EXIT

LEFT.) A party! The only party I want to throw for that lug is when he leaves! (EXITS CENTER. LIGHTS FADE.)

End of Scene Two

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ACT ONEScene Three

LIGHTS UP: ADRIANA ENTERS LEFT carrying a suitcase and a purse. VINCENT is hiding under the table at CENTER.ADRIANA: Mama? Daddy? Anybody home? Hmmm. Wonder where

everybody is. (Crosses to the safe, does the combination, opens the safe and puts her purse in it.)

VINCENT: (Emerges from under the table and sneaks up behind ADRIANA. He looks terrible. His tie is loose and askew, his shirt buttoned crookedly, his hair messed up and “dirt” on his face. He has “trash” tucked all over him such as pieces of paper, banana peel, etc. As she is closing the safe, he grabs her from behind.) Who are you and how’d you know the combination to that safe?

ADRIANA: (Elbows him, clobbers him, throws him to the ground and pulls a knife.) Who do you think I am, you— Vincent? Is it you?

VINCENT: Adriana! (From the fl oor, spreads his hands wide.) You’re more beautiful than ever. What are you doing home?

ADRIANA: (Puts away the knife and helps him up.) I graduated early! I’m all done with college! I wanted to come home and surprise everybody. Why in the world did you attack me? And… Whew! (Makes a face.) Vincent, you stink! (Steps back, fanning her nose.) What have you been doing?

VINCENT: Oh, Adriana, I didn’t know what else to do! I’ve been hiding out in the trash pile for three days, just trying to stay alive! (As he speaks, ADRIANA begins to pick trash off of him and tosses it in the trash can. [NOTE: A rubber fi sh should be one of the pieces of trash ADRIANA takes off him since it is referred to in a later scene. The audience should clearly see it before she throws it away.])

ADRIANA: Why? What’s going on?VINCENT: Your dad thinks I stole fi fty grand from him. He and his boys

have been trying to fi nd me. (Suddenly desperate, he grabs her shoulders.) Adriana, I didn’t do it! I didn’t steal that money!

ADRIANA: Vincent, I know you’re not a thief. But why does Daddy think you stole the money?

VINCENT: (Begins to pace. ADRIANA follows him, still picking off trash.) There are only two people who know the combination to that safe—me and Primo. The money was there three nights ago, but when I went to get it the next morning it was just gone!

ADRIANA: (Laughs.) Oh, Vincent, why do you think you and Daddy are the only ones who know the combination? I just got in, didn’t I?

VINCENT: Hey, you did! How’d you know it? Did you take the money?

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ADRIANA: Of course not! I just got home. I’ve known the combination since I was ten. But I’m not the only one.

VINCENT: What?! How many other people know it?ADRIANA: Well, there’s Mama, Bianca, Carlina, probably Tito—VINCENT: (Interrupts.) What?! This is crazy! All of you know that

combination? Primo told me only he and I knew it.ADRIANA: Oh, you’re probably the only one Daddy told the combination

to, but that doesn’t mean anything.VINCENT: Are you kidding? It means everything! It means one of you

stole the money! All I have to do is fi gure out who!ADRIANA: Vincent, stop it. None of us would steal Daddy’s money.

He trusts us.VINCENT: He trusted me enough to tell me the combination to the

safe, but now he’s trying to kill me! How’d you get the combination, anyway?

ADRIANA: Daddy is a creature of habit, and his memory is notoriously poor. So he likes to keep things simple. Me and my sisters, for instance. Adriana, Bianca, Carlina. A, B, C!

VINCENT: A, B, C… But Adriana…ADRIANA: What’s the combination to the safe?VINCENT: (Slowly.) 10-20-30.ADRIANA: You see? It’s simple. Daddy had to make something he

could remember. My sisters and I fi gured it out years ago.VINCENT: But Adriana, this is even worse! I thought if I hid for a few

days and watched the safe I could nab the thief and keep Primo from killing me. But now there are too many people to watch! And what about if each of you told someone else? It could take years!

ADRIANA: Vincent, remember last summer?VINCENT: (Stops, smiles goofi ly.) Yeah.ADRIANA: Remember what we promised each other?VINCENT: That we’d wait till you fi nished college and then we’d tell

your parents.ADRIANA: I’m all fi nished with college now.VINCENT: Yes, you are.ADRIANA: (Pulls an engagement ring out of her pocket or purse.) And

I can wear this now.VINCENT: Yes, you can. (ADRIANA should be facing RIGHT, so audience

can see her left hand. Takes the ring from her, puts it on her fi nger, then kisses her hand. They look at each other lovingly for a second, then he shakes his head.) Wait! No, you can’t! You can’t marry a dead man!

ADRIANA: Vincent, I don’t plan to. I’m going to help you.

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VINCENT: Oh, no! I don’t want you involved in this. Your dad would kill me and then send you off to a convent. Or worse, more college!

ADRIANA: Vincent, I’m already involved. For instance, I know you’re here. I could call for Daddy any minute and he’d come and shoot you.

VINCENT: Adriana! You’d do that?ADRIANA: Probably not, but I could if you don’t let me help you.VINCENT: (Turns away from her, holding his head.) Ohh… what am I

going to do?ADRIANA: (Puts her arms around him from behind.) Vincent, I love you.

Let me help you.VINCENT: (Turns back around and puts his arms around her.) Adriana…

(They start to kiss but are interrupted by the sound of BIANCA and CARLINA approaching.)

BIANCA: (ENTERS RIGHT with CARLINA. VINCENT and ADRIANA jump apart.) Well, well, well. Daddy’s out fi shing but we caught the fi sh! (They both draw guns and aim them at VINCENT.)

CARLINA: Hi, sis!ADRIANA: Wait! Girls, don’t shoot! I’ll tell you the whole story!BIANCA: Start telling. (The next part should be done rapid fi re. The

GIRLS are speaking “sister talk.” They fi nish each other’s sentences and understand each other with few words.)

ADRIANA: Okay, so last summer…BIANCA: We know.CARLINA: We saw you.BIANCA: The wine cellar?BIANCA/CARLINA: Ooh la la!ADRIANA: Okay, so now the money—BIANCA: (Indicates VINCENT.) He’s dead.ADRIANA: He didn’t!BIANCA: You’re sure?ADRIANA: (Points at the safe.) How many know?BIANCA: (Exchanges glances with CARLINA and they shrug.) Ten?CARLINA: Twenty?BIANCA: Anyone!ADRIANA: I know! But Daddy—BIANCA: (Indicates VINCENT.) He’s dead, even if he didn’t.ADRIANA: He didn’t! Will you help?BIANCA: (Exchanges glances with CARLINA and they nod.) We’re in.

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CARLINA: He’s cute!ADRIANA: (Looks at VINCENT.) I know. And look! (Shows them her ring.

BIANCA and CARLINA squeal and run toward VINCENT with guns still drawn. He yells and raises his arms and backs away. They giggle, put away their guns in garter holsters and grab him for a hug, then hug ADRIANA. They all squeal and jump up and down.)

VINCENT: (Looks at them in amazement.) What just happened?ADRIANA: My sisters are going to help you, too.VINCENT: That’s… that’s great, but we need a plan.ADRIANA: We’ll fi gure something out. Don’t worry.ISABELLA: (FROM OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Bianca! Carlina!BIANCA: Hide him! (VINCENT goes back to his hiding place under the

table.)CARLINA: In here, Mama!ISABELLA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) My darlings, I need your help today.

(Notices ADRIANA.) Adriana! Cara mia! You are home! (They hug.) When did you arrive, my darling?

ADRIANA: Just now. I wanted to surprise everybody.ISABELLA: A wonderful surprise! And now you will be here for our

party tonight!BIANCA: What party, Mama?ISABELLA: Uncle Luigi is coming for an overnight visit. He will be

here today, and we are giving him a party tonight! I need your help to prepare for it. Will you help me, my darlings? (GIRLS react happily.)

CARLINA: Uncle Luigi! Oh, good! We haven’t seen him for so long!ADRIANA: We’ll help, Mama. What do you want us to do?ISABELLA: Come, my dears. We will discuss it together. (EXITS RIGHT

with BIANCA and CARLINA.)ADRIANA: (Hangs back and calls quietly to the hiding place.) Don’t

worry, my love, everything will be fi ne. (EXITS RIGHT. VINCENT sticks his hand out from under the cloth and gives the thumbs-up signal.)

PRIMO: (ENTERS LEFT with RICO LINGUINI.) So that’s my offer. Whaddya think?

RICO: Hmmm… It is a good offer. But I am a businessman, you understand. There are a lot of other suppliers in this town, too, you know.

PRIMO: Other suppliers? Like who?RICO: As you know, there are many suppliers of liquor in Chicago. My

new supper club will use a lot of it. I must choose someone who will always have what I need and who can get it to me quickly.

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PRIMO: No sweat. I have warehouses full of the stuff, right here in the city. You tell me what you need, bang! You got it in an hour.

RICO: Very impressive! Warehouses right here in the city? Very effi cient indeed.

PRIMO: Yeah, and I have a foolproof way of keepin’ the cops out of things.

RICO: Really?PRIMO: Yeah. We never call the stuff what it is. We have a code, see?

We call rum “roses,” gin “geraniums” and whiskey “daisies.”RICO: Ingenious!PRIMO: Yeah. So whaddya think? I can send enough roses, geraniums

and daisies to set you up for your grand openin’.RICO: (Gets ready to leave.) This is a very tempting offer. Still, I will

not make my decision now. I will think about it and let you know later today.

PRIMO: I’m tellin’ you, you won’t fi nd no better offer. Ya know, you seem kinda young to be startin’ up this big a business, so I’m givin’ you some fatherly advice. (Walks over and puts his arm around RICO’S shoulder.) Choose me.

BIANCA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Daddy? Oh! I didn’t know you had company.

PRIMO: Signore Linguini, this is my daughter, Bianca.RICO: (Gets tongue-tied.) Bianca! You’re a… I… he… I mean… (Takes

her hand.) …It’s a great pleasure to meet you.BIANCA: It’s nice to meet you, sir.RICO: Please, do not call me sir! I am not much older than you!

Please, call me Rico.BIANCA: Okay. It’s nice to meet you, Rico. (They smile at each other.)PRIMO: (Puts his arms around both of them.) Well, ain’t this nice!

Rico, now that I’m your supplier, you can come see my daughter sometimes!

RICO: (Takes PRIMO’S hand off his shoulder.) You may call me Signore Linguini. And I have not yet chosen a supplier.

PRIMO: Why, you little—BIANCA: (Interrupts quickly.) Rico, would you like to come to our party

tonight?RICO: A party?BIANCA: It’s in honor of my Uncle Luigi, the opera singer.RICO: Luigi Lamborghini?BIANCA: That’s him.

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RICO: Everyone has heard of the great Luigi Lamborghini. I would be happy to come to your party.

BIANCA: Great! Isn’t that great, Daddy?PRIMO: Yeah. Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. Tell him he can come if he

lets me know tonight that I’m… I mean… WHO his supplier is.RICO: It is a deal. Until tonight, lovely lady.BIANCA: Until tonight. (RICO EXITS LEFT, bumping into TITO and DINO,

who ENTER LEFT carrying armloads of fl owers.)PRIMO: You watch yourself around that lug, Bianca.BIANCA: Oh, Daddy, you worry too much! I’ll see you later. I’ve got to

fi nd something to wear! (EXITS RIGHT.)TITO: How’d it go, boss?PRIMO: He’s cagey. Kept talkin’ about fi ndin’ other suppliers.DINO: Like who, boss?PRIMO: He didn’t say. Probably bluffi n’. He won’t fi nd no better deal.

He’ll be back. How’d you boys do?TITO: We found all these.PRIMO: Good enough. That oughta make her happy. Fix ’em up, boys,

then come fi nd me. We got work to do before Mama Mia comes. (EXITS CENTER. TITO and DINO start stuffi ng and throwing fl owers everywhere haphazardly.)

ISABELLA: (ENTERS RIGHT with CARLINA, ADRIANA and BIANCA.) Stop! Stop! What are you doing? (Takes fl owers away from DINO.) This is horrible! How can my husband be a successful fl orist when you are such terrible arrangers? And where are the rest of the fl owers?

TITO: The rest?ISABELLA: This is not enough fl owers! I told Primo I want MANY

fl owers! This is not MANY fl owers! You go and get more, do you hear me? Many more! GO!

TITO: Yes, ma’am. (He and DINO run OFF LEFT.)BIANCA: What a mess.ISABELLA: A mess! Yes, it is a mess! Ah, everything is a mess! (Starts

to sob.)ADRIANA: Mama, don’t cry! We’ll fi x it. It’ll be beautiful, you’ll see!ISABELLA: We can fi x the fl owers, my darlings, but we cannot fi x the

guests!CARLINA: What about the guests, Mama?ISABELLA: Nobody is home! Everybody is busy! Nobody is coming for

our party tonight! I am so ashamed! What will my brother think?ADRIANA: Did you try the Martinis?ISABELLA: They are in New York City!

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BIANCA: How about the Leones? The De Palmas?ISABELLA: Out of town.CARLINA: How about the Capones?ISABELLA: I talk to Mrs. Capone last week. Every night they go to tax

class together.ADRIANA: Don’t worry, Mama. We’ll fi nd guests. There’s gotta be

tons of people in this town that would love to meet the great Luigi Lamborghini.

BIANCA: Yeah, don’t worry, Mama, we’ll fi nd people if we have to drag them off the street!

CARLINA: You can count on us, Mama.ISABELLA: Oh, my girls, you are the best of daughters! How can I ever

thank you enough? (GIRLS look at each other meaningfully.)ADRIANA: Well, er… Mama… there is one thing you could maybe help

us with.ISABELLA: What is it, my darling?ADRIANA: (Goes to VINCENT’S hiding place and calls to him.) It’s okay,

come on out! (VINCENT doesn’t appear yet.)ISABELLA: You have hidden a puppy? But of course you may keep it!

As long as you clean up the messes!BIANCA: (Laughs.) It’s not a puppy, Mama.ADRIANA: Vincent? Come on! It’s okay! (Pulls up the cloth, but not

enough to see VINCENT.)ISABELLA: A kitten, then? Even better! We will hold him in our laps on

a cold winter day! (Crouches by the hiding place.) Here, kitty kitty!ADRIANA: Vincent! Get out here or I’m calling Daddy! (VINCENT sticks

his head out, coming nose to nose with ISABELLA.)ISABELLA: (Jumps up as VINCENT crawls out.) Oh! You are not a kitten!

You may NOT sit in my lap! Why, Vincent de Salva, what in the world are you doing lurking under there? Why are you not working in your offi ce?

ADRIANA: Mama, didn’t Daddy tell you he’s… er… mad at Vincent?ISABELLA: Primo never tells me anything of his business. Why would

he be mad at this nice boy?VINCENT: Mrs. Malvone, did Primo ever tell you the combination to

the safe?ISABELLA: Of course not! He does not have to. I know the combination

for years!ADRIANA: See?

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VINCENT: Well, er… do you have any idea who might have, you know, uh… borrowed the fi fty thousand dollars that was in it last week… accidentally, of course?! (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)

CARLINA: (MOVES LEFT to the door and looks out.) Hey, it’s Uncle Luigi! He’s early!

ISABELLA: He is here? My brother is here?! (They ALL rush to the door. VINCENT throws up his hands, frustrated, and goes back to his hiding place.)

ISABELLA: Luigi! Welcome!LUIGI: (ENTERS LEFT with GINA and BETTINA. Hugs and kisses ISABELLA

on both cheeks. In a booming voice with even more Italian accent than ISABELLA and lots of dramatic gesturing.) Isabella! My sister! Ah, you are more beautiful each year! And my lovely nieces! All grown up and shining like the stars! How can one room hold so much beauty without exploding?

CARLINA: Uncle Luigi, who are your friends?LUIGI: Ah! Forgive me! I am overcome with emotions and forget my

manners! May I introduce my assistants, Gina, (GINA smiles and curtsies.) Bettina (BETTINA does the same.) and my chauffeur, Alberto… Alberto? Where has he gone? (A suitcase fl ies through the door, hitting LUIGI. Then ALBERTO staggers in, holding as much luggage as he can carry.)

LUIGI: Ah, yes, my chauffeur, Alberto. As you see, I must travel lightly, since we can stay only one night.

ADRIANA: But Uncle Luigi, we’ve missed you! Can’t you stay longer?LUIGI: Alas, cara mia, I cannot. I must go on tomorrow to New Orleans.ISABELLA: New Orleans? What is in New Orleans?LUIGI: I am going there to study a new kind of music! (Gestures wildly.)

It is fantastica! Magnifi ca! Bellisima!ISABELLA: A new kind of music? Do you mean a new opera?LUIGI: Opera? Oh, no, no, no! Opera is, how do you say, “old coat”?BIANCA: You mean old hat?LUIGI: Sì, sì! Old hat! (Flings his hat at his NIECES, who catch it.) But

this new music is fresh and new! She is fantastica! Magnifi ca! Bellisima!

CARLINA: What’s the new music called?LUIGI: Jazz! She is called jazz music! She is amazing, fantastica—ISABELLA: (Interrupts.) But, Luigi, what about your opera? Are you

giving up the opera?LUIGI: Oh, no! I am not stupido! I make my money from the opera. I

am still the primo baritone in Italy, no? But I have a new love, and she is jazz!

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ADRIANA: Can you sing some jazz for us, Uncle?LUIGI: Oh, ho! I thought you would never ask me! Girls? (He, GINA and

BETTINA begin to sing and dance to “Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue,” but only for a few bars. With or without music.)

PRIMO: (ENTERS CENTER.) Hey! Who’s killin’ the cat out here?ISABELLA: Primo! Look who is here! (LUIGI starts forward, arms

outstretched.)PRIMO: (Dodges LUIGI and heads for ADRIANA.) Adriana! When did you

get home?ADRIANA: Just a little while ago. Hi, Daddy! (Hugs PRIMO.)PRIMO: It’s great to see you! Well, I better go. We got work to do.

(Starts to go to the offi ce.)ISABELLA: (Grabs PRIMO’S arm.) Primo! Did you not see my brother

Luigi is also here?PRIMO: No kiddin’, so he is! How ya doin’, Lugi? (Pronounces it

“Loogy.”)LUIGI: Primo! My brother! (Again tries for a hug, but PRIMO backs away

and shakes his hand.) It is wonderful to see you again!PRIMO: Likewise. So… when you leavin’?ISABELLA: Primo! Do not be rude! Luigi has been many years away. It

is wonderful to have him come to visit us.LUIGI: Alas! I must go tomorrow to New Orleans to study the most

amazing music, the jazz!PRIMO: Tomorrow? Only one day, Bella? (Sniffs.) I must go weep!

(Goes into the offi ce.)ISABELLA: (Glares at PRIMO’S back as he leaves.) But tonight, Luigi, in

your honor, we have a party!LUIGI: A party?ISABELLA: Yes! A small party to show you how much you mean to us!

We are so happy you have come to visit!LUIGI: A party! Sì, sì! Perhaps I shall sing the jazz for you! And we

shall dance the Charleston! (Grabs ISABELLA’S hand and begins to dance.)

ISABELLA: (Laughs.) Oh, Luigi, I miss you so much! If you want to sing the jazz and dance the Charleston, that is what we will do! But now we must get ready for the party. You must be tired and weary from your journey.

LUIGI: When I sing the jazz I do not get tired! When I dance the Charleston I do not get weary! But maybe, for just a moment, I will lie down on the bed.

ISABELLA: Girls, show your Uncle Luigi to his room.

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BIANCA: Uncle, could you teach us the Charleston?LUIGI: Teach you? Cara mia, I will show you and we shall dance all the

night away! (ALL EXIT CENTER dancing, except ISABELLA, PRIMO, ALBERTO and VINCENT, who is still hiding under the table. ALBERTO EXITS CENTER with the luggage, trying to carry all the bags, even one suitcase between his knees.)

ISABELLA: (Crosses to the offi ce.) Primo, may I talk to you?PRIMO: Of course, my dear!ISABELLA: Thank you for the fl owers, my darling.PRIMO: Anything for you, Bella. Wait a minute. Where’s Tito and

Dino?ISABELLA: That is what I wanted to tell you. I sent them for more

fl owers.PRIMO: More fl owers? What, that ain’t enough?ISABELLA: Of course it is not enough! I told you I wanted many fl owers!

Are you not a fl ower merchant? When a fl ower merchant has a party, there must be many, many fl owers!

PRIMO: Bella, I need the boys today! They can’t be runnin’ off after a bunch of fl owers! I got an important meetin’ in fi ve minutes!

ISABELLA: You will have time for this, Primo Malvone! Luigi is my only family. We are having a party for him tonight and I WANT FLOWERS! (Hands on hips, stomps her foot and glares.)

PRIMO: Holy cannoli! Okay, Bella, you’ll get your fl owers! But I need Tito and Dino! I can’t meet Mama Mia without backup!

ISABELLA: (Suspicious.) Why you need backup for a business meeting?

PRIMO: Uh… well… it’s because… er… Tito knows how many… er… fl owers we sold last week. Yeah, that’s it. Tito has all the information.

ISABELLA: Well, they will be back soon, my darling. (Heads for the CENTER EXIT.) After all, it is not far to your fl ower warehouse.

PRIMO: (Runs after her.) Wait a minute! How’d you know about that warehouse?

ISABELLA: (Laughs and ruffl es his hair.) Oh, Primo, I know many things! Most of all, I know that you are a good man. (Pats him on the cheek.) I must go check on the food. Ciao, my darling. (EXITS CENTER.)

PRIMO: Them lugs better get back in time or I’m a cooked goose. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.) Bella? You wanna get that?

ISABELLA: (From OFFSTAGE.) I am busy! (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)

PRIMO: Bianca? Get the door!

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BIANCA: (From OFFSTAGE.) Get it yourself! (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)

PRIMO: (Mutters all the way to the door, LEFT.) Holy cannoli! I gotta do everything around here! Primo, mow the lawn! Primo, take out the trash! (Opens the door. THUG 1 ENTERS LEFT, taking a position to the right of the door. THUG 2 follows immediately after, taking a position to left of door.)

MAMA MIA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Malvone.PRIMO: Mama Mia.MAMA MIA: You answer your own door nowadays?PRIMO: All part of the image, Mama Mia. The cops think I’m a regular

Joe.MAMA MIA: Where are your boys?PRIMO: Never you mind. C’mon. (Leads the way to the offi ce, RIGHT.)MAMA MIA: (Follows, with THUGS. To THUGS.) Somethin’s fi shy. You

never see Primo without his boys.THUG 1: Maybe it’s a trap!MAMA MIA: Yeah, we have to be very careful, boys. This is one

slippery lug we’re dealin’ with.THUG 2: We’ve got you covered, Mama Mia. (Pats his jacket where his

gun is.)PRIMO: (Sits on his desk.) So what is it you wanted to see me about?MAMA MIA: A business proposition.PRIMO: With who?MAMA MIA: Me an’ you.PRIMO: I don’t do business with nobody else. I don’t need to.MAMA MIA: This could be very benefi cial to both of us. You know that

I took over Leone’s racket?PRIMO: I did not know that.MAMA MIA: That’s because it hasn’t happened yet.PRIMO: What?MAMA MIA: It’s goin’ down tomorrow.PRIMO: You sure you can take down Leone?MAMA MIA: Is the pope Catholic? Of course I can take him. But that

poses a problem.PRIMO: The cops?MAMA MIA: Nah, the cops don’t know nothin’. Besides, they’re scared

of me. No, the problem I have is once I take over Leone’s operation I’ll have all his rackets. I gotta supply them all with booze, and

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I have nowhere to keep that much booze. I hear you got some warehouses. I want to rent ’em.

PRIMO: Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. If I do, maybe I don’t want to rent ’em.

MAMA MIA: I will pay you ten thousand a month rent. But I need them ready as soon as I take out Leone. I need to know where they are so I can put all Leone’s booze in them.

ISABELLA: (From OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Primo? Primo! (PRIMO groans. ENTERS RIGHT with LUIGI.) Why, Primo, you did not tell me your guests had arrived. Hello, I am Isabella, Primo’s wife.

THUG 1: (Tips his hat.) Hello, ma’am.THUG 2: (Nods.) Ma’am.MAMA MIA: Signora Malvone! I have heard so much about you. I am

Mama Mia.ISABELLA: Mama Mia?PRIMO: Mama Mia’s a… customer of mine, Bella.ISABELLA: Of course she is! And this is my dear brother, Luigi

Lamborghini.LUIGI: (Bows.) I am very happy to meet you.MAMA MIA: Hey, you’re really him! Luigi Lamborghini, the opera

singer!LUIGI: Sì, I sing the opera, but lately I have a new love, the jazz music!

She is fantastica, magnifi ca, bellisima! Have you ever heard the jazz music, Mama Mia?

MAMA MIA: Sure, I hear it all the time in my business. You like jazz, do ya?

LUIGI: I love the jazz. I would hear it every day of my life. But alas, I must sing the opera to pay the bills!

MAMA MIA: Well, ain’t that somethin’.LUIGI: I have the most wonderful idea! You must come to our party

tonight!ISABELLA: That is a wonderful idea! Tonight we are having a party in

honor of my brother. Please, come and bring guests!PRIMO: (Aghast.) Bella, Mama Mia and all her friends are busy. They

can’t come.MAMA MIA: We’re busy, all right, but I can’t think of anything I’d rather

do than come to a party at Primo’s house. We’ll be here.LUIGI: I am honored, Mama Mia.MAMA MIA: Me too.ISABELLA: Oh, I am so glad! This is wonderful! We will see you tonight!

(She and LUIGI EXIT RIGHT.)

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PRIMO: You ain’t comin’ tonight.MAMA MIA: That’s what you think. Your wife wants us to come and

we’re comin’. Maybe we’ll even bring guests.PRIMO: You try anything funny and you’ll be sorry, get it?MAMA MIA: All right, don’t get steamed. Whaddya think of my offer?PRIMO: Ten thousand a month for rent? What’s Leone doin’ that

brings in that kind of dough?MAMA MIA: That’s my business. All you gotta do is provide a

warehouse or two. You in?PRIMO: Maybe. I gotta think about it.MAMA MIA: Okay. Think about it and tell me tonight. But after tonight

the deal’s off, see?PRIMO: Fine. But like I said, no funny business.MAMA MIA: See you tonight.PRIMO: Yeah, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. (EXITS

RIGHT.)MAMA MIA: Come on, boys. (She and THUGS move into the living

room, pausing just beside VINCENT’S hiding place.)THUG 1: Mama Mia, you’re a genius! I can’t believe they invited us to

their party!MAMA MIA: It don’t get no better than this, boys! Bringin’ down the

great Primo Malvone is gonna be easier than takin’ candy from a baby.

THUG 2: You think you can get the location of the warehouses tonight, Mama Mia?

MAMA MIA: It’s a done deal. This time tomorrow Primo will be in jail and Mama Mia will rule Chicago. Boys, I’m glad we’re goin’ to a party tonight. I feel like celebratin’.

THUG 1: How you gonna celebrate, Mama Mia?MAMA MIA: You heard Luigi, I’m goin’ to be dancin’ the Charleston

and singin’ the jazz. (THUG 1 and THUG 2 react in disbelief, doubling over with laughter. Grabs THUG 1.) What, you don’t think Mama Mia likes to have a good time now and then? (Shoves THUG 2.) You don’t think Mama Mia works hard enough?

THUG 1: No, Mama Mia!MAMA MIA: Besides, Primo’s gonna be suspicious. If he sees I’m

just here to dance, he’ll relax, and then he’ll start talkin’. And just to make things fun, I’m goin’ to invite Detective O’Neal to come to this party. Primo will be behind bars by midnight.

THUG 1: You’re a genius, Mama Mia.

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MAMA MIA: Don’t you forget it! Let’s go. (She and THUGS EXIT LEFT. As they are leaving, VINCENT peeks out from his hiding place and looks after them.)

ADRIANA: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying clothes for VINCENT.) Vincent? What are you doing?

VINCENT: Adriana! Thank goodness it’s you. (Crawls out.) Listen, you’ll never believe what I just heard!

ADRIANA: (Steps away.) Vincent, you really need a bath. Here, I brought you some clothes.

VINCENT: Oh, thanks. (Throws the clothes over his shoulder.) Listen, Adriana, this is important!

BIANCA: (ENTERS RIGHT with CARLINA.) Hey, Romeo, you’d better be careful, Daddy’s still looking for you.

VINCENT: Bianca, Carlina! Listen to me! Mama Mia’s coming to the party tonight and she’s bringing cops with her!

ADRIANA: What?BIANCA: Sweetie, you are full of it.VINCENT: No, it’s true! I heard Mama Mia talking to her thugs right

after they met with Primo.ADRIANA: Why would Mama Mia bring cops here? She hates cops.VINCENT: She probably cut a deal. Mama Mia’s been trying to bring

down your dad for years.CARLINA: Wow. Good thing Daddy went straight. (GIRLS all look at

each other for a moment, then burst out laughing.)BIANCA: He’s working on a big new customer right now. He’s even

coming to the party tonight.ADRIANA: You know, girls, maybe it’s time Daddy went straight for

real.BIANCA: It’s past time. He can’t get lucky forever. If the cops catch him,

he’ll go to jail. If Mama catches him, he’ll wish he was in jail.CARLINA: But what can we do about it?ADRIANA: I have an idea.BIANCA: Go! (“Sister talk” again.)ADRIANA: Okay, so tonight—BIANCA: Cops and Mama Mia.CARLINA: Bad combination.ADRIANA: Daddy gets caught—BIANCA: No good.ADRIANA: Yeah. But Vincent has a secret.CARLINA: What?

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ADRIANA: No booze, fl owers!BIANCA: Where?ADRIANA: The south warehouse.CARLINA: So we tell them?ADRIANA: Yeah! But we don’t tell Daddy!BIANCA: What if he won’t stay?ADRIANA: We tell Mama.CARLINA: Scared straight?ADRIANA: Yes!BIANCA/CARLINA: Yes! (GIRLS do high fi ves.)VINCENT: What just happened?ADRIANA: Vincent, my dear, we have a plan.VINCENT: What plan?ADRIANA: We’re going to turn the tables on Mama Mia and make

Daddy go straight.VINCENT: You’re kidding.ADRIANA: Nope, and you’re going to help us! (Hugs him, then backs

away quickly, holding her nose.) But fi rst you need a bath. C’mon. (VINCENT gathers up his clothes, and ALL EXIT CENTER.)

TITO: (ENTERS LEFT with DINO and they cross to Primo’s offi ce.) Boss? We’re back.

PRIMO: (ENTERS RIGHT.) What took so long? You boys shoulda been here.

DINO: Why, what happened, boss?PRIMO: Not much. Only Mama Mia was here.TITO: Wow, boss, you met with Mama Mia without your tough guys?DINO: You got nerves of steel, boss!PRIMO: I had no choice! My tough guys was out chasin’ pansies!

Besides, she wasn’t here for a hit.TITO: What’d she want, boss?PRIMO: She wants the warehouses. She’s takin’ out Leone tomorrow

and wants a place to keep his inventory.TITO: What’d she offer?PRIMO: Ten thousand a month rent.DINO: (Whistles.) That’s a lotta dough, boss.PRIMO: Yeah. Too much. It’s bait any sucker would swallow. But I ain’t

no sucker. Somethin’s fi shy about all this, boys.TITO: Yeah, somethin’s fi shy.DINO: (Sniffs around.) Yeah, fi shy.

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PRIMO: No, I mean somethin’s really fi shy. What’d you boys have for lunch?

TITO: Some chicken, some roast beef, some apples…DINO: (At the same time.) Chinese food, tacos, spaghetti…PRIMO: I don’t care about that! Just fi nd it, okay? (TITO begins to walk

around, sniffi ng. DINO drops to his knees and begins sniffi ng around like a dog, and fi nally comes to the trash can where ADRIANA threw all the trash off VINCENT. DINO points and howls like a hound.)

TITO: Good boy. Here it is, boss!PRIMO: Well? Get it outta here! (TITO picks up the trash can, then

reacts like it really stinks. He shoves the trash can at DINO. DINO shoves it back, holding his nose. They start to take it out, pushing it at each other, until it spills all over the fl oor. Assorted trash, the rubber fi sh, banana peels, etc., fall out. Flour can be added for effect.) Are you kiddin’ me? Bella’s gonna kill me! Get that cleaned up pronto! Where’s a broom? (TITO and DINO look around frantically for a broom, but can’t fi nd one.) Here! (He runs to the rug, folds it back, then points to DINO and the fl oor. DINO lies down on his back on the fl oor. TITO and PRIMO grab his hands and feet and use him as a broom, sweeping all the trash under the rug. They let go of DINO, and PRIMO fl ips the rug back. TITO and DINO stomp on it, then give each other the thumbs up sign.) Boys, come here. (He puts his arms around their shoulders.) We gonna mess up boss’s fl oor again? (TITO and DINO nod happily. PRIMO “bashes” their heads together, and they fall on the fl oor.) I’m workin’ with morons! (He moves back to his desk.) Now, where were we?

TITO: (He and DINO jump up and go back to their positions.) Mama Mia wants the warehouses, boss.

PRIMO: Yeah. That dame’s up to somethin’, no doubt about it. But I’ll fi gure it out later. Where youse been, anyway?

TITO: Your wife sent us out for more fl owers, boss.PRIMO: I know that! You fi nd some?DINO: Uh… now, boss, don’t get mad…TITO: We bought some.PRIMO: You what?TITO: We had to, boss! There ain’t no more fl owers in the whole city!PRIMO: What’d you pay for it with?DINO: Now boss, don’t get mad…TITO: We traded booze for it.PRIMO: YOU WHAT?!TITO: We had to, boss! You know what fl owers cost nowadays?! Now

that’s a racket!

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PRIMO: So how much did you trade?DINO: (On his knees.) Boss, please don’t get mad…TITO: All the booze in the north warehouse.PRIMO: ALL OF IT?!TITO: We didn’t know what else to do, boss! Your wife said get fl owers!

We’re fl yin’ ’em in from Florida! It ain‘t cheap, boss!PRIMO: So now the warehouse is empty?TITO: Nothin’ there but a dead rat.PRIMO: You had to shoot someone?TITO: No, boss, a real rat. Dino stepped on him.DINO: I caught one too, boss, look! (Proudly pulls out a rubber rat.)PRIMO: Put that away! (Begins to pace and yell.) Holy cannoli! Now I

got a hundred grand worth of fl owers and an empty warehouse! Add that to the 50 G’s Vinnie stole from me and I’m broke! How can this happen? We’re the biggest mob in Chicago! If this gets out, we’re dead! You hear me, boys? Dead! (ISABELLA ENTERS RIGHT.) I’d like to get my hands on that Vinnie de Salva!

ISABELLA: Primo, why are you angry with that nice boy?PRIMO: (Spins around.) Bella! I didn’t see you. What nice boy?ISABELLA: Your accountant, Vincent.PRIMO: Well, I didn’t want to upset you, Bella, but that nice boy stole

$50,000 from me.ISABELLA: Why, that is horrible! When did this happen, my darling?PRIMO: Three days ago. He stole it right out of this safe.ISABELLA: (Laughs.) Oh, Primo, Vincent did not steal your money.PRIMO: What?ISABELLA: Primo, whenever I say to you, “Primo, I need a new dress,”

you say, “Bella, I’m busy. Buy the dress!” When I say to you, “Primo, I need new furniture,” you say, “Bella, I’m busy. Buy the furniture!” So this time when I need the money I think to myself, “Bella, Primo is busy. Take the money!”

PRIMO: Bella! You took the money? That’s great! Are you done with it now? Can I have it back?

ISABELLA: My darling, it is all gone!PRIMO: Gone?!ISABELLA: I gave it to the orphans for their new home.PRIMO: Orphans? You gave my racket money to a bunch of stinkin’

orphans?ISABELLA: Primo Malvone! I can’t believe you are so wicked! Maybe I

should not take your money, eh? Maybe I should bring the orphans

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to live here with us instead! Or maybe I will go and live with the orphans! They are much nicer to live with than a selfi sh, mean, horrible man! (Pauses, faces him, suspicious.) What do you mean, “racket money”?

PRIMO: Ah… fl ower… racket! You know, the money we made from the fl ower racket! Bella, it’s okay. I didn’t mean it. You can use the money for the orphans.

ISABELLA: Of course I can. It is a good cause, and we are good people! No longer are we the wicked gangsters who sell the booze and rub out the people! Sometimes, Primo, I think you forget that! Do you want to live a life of always hiding from the police and the other mobs?

PRIMO: Bella…ISABELLA: (Takes his arm, brushes off his shirt, lovingly.) Primo, you

are a good businessman. You make a good living with the fl owers, and I am so proud of you. (Begins to straighten his tie.) Do not be tempted to go back to your old ways because if you do, my darling… (Pulls his tie straight out as if to strangle him.) …I will kill you myself.

PRIMO: (Choking.) I won’t, Bella.ISABELLA: Good. Now don’t forget we have guests coming soon.

(Fixes the tie again.) Be ready on time, my darling.PRIMO: Okay.ISABELLA: I must go now. Ciao. (EXITS RIGHT.)PRIMO: Boys, remind me again why I got married?TITO/DINO: You’re crazy about her, boss.PRIMO: Oh. Yeah.DINO: Don’t worry, boss. We’ll make the money back real fast. That

warehouse will be full again in a week.TITO: Yeah, boss, look at the bright side. You don’t have to shoot

Vinnie, your wife is happy, and you got a party to go to tonight. You got it made!

PRIMO: Ya know, you’re right, Tito. Nothin’ can go wrong now! (CURTAIN.)

End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

LIGHTS UP: Played in front of the curtain, a DIM SPOTLIGHT on a street near Primo’s house. MAMA MIA, THUGS, O’NEAL and MURPHY ENTER RIGHT. ALL except THUGS are dressed in evening clothes.

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O’NEAL: I have to hand it to you, Mama Mia. I never thought Primo would let you near his house, much less invite you in.

MAMA MIA: Never underestimate the power of a woman, Detective.THUG 1: Yeah, especially when she’s packin’ heat.O’NEAL: When Primo tells you the location of the warehouse, let me

know right away so my men can check it out. As soon as they fi nd it, we can arrest Primo and his boys.

MAMA MIA: A lovely way to end the evenin’, Detective. (ALL EXIT LEFT.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

CURTAIN UP: LIGHTS UP FULL on the Malvone house. Flowers are everywhere on the living room side. There is a small table with a punch bowl and cups. A banner says “Welcome, Luigi.” (NOTE: During this scene, ALL except TITO, DINO and THUGS should be dressed in evening clothes.) PRIMO is alone ONSTAGE, sitting at his desk, reading a newspaper.ADRIANA: (ENTERS RIGHT with VINCENT. VINCENT is hiding behind her

and then hides down low in front of the desk so PRIMO cannot see him.) Daddy, can I talk to you?

PRIMO: (From behind the newspaper.) Sure. Whaddya need?ADRIANA: Daddy, I want to show you something, but you have to

promise not to shoot it.PRIMO: Shoot it? What is it, a rat?ADRIANA: No, Daddy. Promise me you won’t shoot it, knife it or put it

in cement overshoes?PRIMO: (Puts down the paper.) You girls never let me have any fun.

Okay. I promise.VINCENT: (Stands up at ADRIANA’S urging. Tentative.) Hello, Primo.PRIMO: (Jumps up.) Vinnie! Where the heck you been, you lousy

mug?ADRIANA: Daddy, you promised!PRIMO: Ah, keep your hair on. I ain’t gonna hurt him.ADRIANA/VINCENT: You aren’t?PRIMO: I promised, didn’t I? Primo Malvone never goes back on his

word, even with rats!ADRIANA: Daddy, Vincent didn’t steal your money.PRIMO: I know. It went to the orphans.VINCENT: What?

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PRIMO: (Painfully.) Bella gave $50,000 to a bunch of little urchins. I don’t know if I can take it.

ADRIANA: (She and VINCENT hug happily.) Daddy, that’s great! So you’re not going to kill Vincent?

PRIMO: Why, you want me to?ADRIANA: No, Daddy! But we have something important to tell you.PRIMO: You gettin’ my money back?ADRIANA: No, Daddy, listen!VINCENT: You met with Mama Mia and her boys here today, right?PRIMO: (Grabs him.) You been spyin’ on me, boy?VINCENT: No! I mean, yeah… sort of. I was hiding, trying to fi nd out

who took your money.PRIMO: That’s a pretty story.VINCENT: It’s true! But when Mama Mia was leaving I heard her

talking. She’s trying to bring you down!PRIMO: That ain’t no news fl ash.VINCENT: She’s bringing cops to the party tonight.PRIMO: Cops?!VINCENT: They want to know the location of the warehouses so the

cops can raid them and arrest you.PRIMO: I knew it! I knew that scheme of hers was fi shy! That sorry

dame! Tito! Dino! Get in here! What else do you know?VINCENT: If you tell them where the warehouses are, they’re gonna

arrest you tonight.TITO: (ENTERS RIGHT with DINO.) Yeah, boss?PRIMO: Mama Mia’s up to somethin’. I told you Mama Mia was up to

somethin’! Didn’t I tell you Mama Mia was up to somethin’?TITO: You told us, boss.PRIMO: Yeah, I’m a genius. Now, listen up. You say that north

warehouse is empty?TITO: Nothin’ there but a dead rat.VINCENT: You shot somebody?DINO: Nah, a real rat. I stepped on it. I caught one too, look! (Pulls

out a rubber rat and shoves it at ADRIANA and VINCENT. ADRIANA screams and jumps onto the desk. VINCENT screams and jumps into PRIMO’S arms.)

PRIMO/VINCENT: (Simultaneously.) Put it away! Put it away! (Finally, they look at each other. PRIMO dumps VINCENT.)

PRIMO: All right, pipe down, will ya? Okay, so we just give Mama Mia what she wants!

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TITO: What’s that, boss?PRIMO: We tell her the location of the warehouse. The cops’ll check it

out, they’ll see it’s empty, and they’ll be so mad maybe they’ll arrest Mama Mia! Ha ha! That rat’ll get caught in her own cheesy trap! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (He indicates to everyone else to laugh too. Everyone laughs loudly.) SHUT UP! (Everyone quits laughing immediately.)

DINO: What about the other warehouse, boss?PRIMO: Under no circumstances do you tell anybody the location of

the south warehouse. Got it?TITO: Got it, boss.DINO: Don’t tell nobody about the south warehouse. (Taps his head.)

Nobody, nobody, nobody.PRIMO: You done?DINO: Nobody. Okay.PRIMO: Nobody! (To VINCENT and ADRIANA.) That goes for youse,

too.ADRIANA: Okay, Daddy.VINCENT: Uh… Primo… about that south warehouse…PRIMO: Nobody! Get it? (TITO and DINO draw guns and point at him.)VINCENT: Yeah. Got it.ADRIANA: Daddy, we have something else to tell you. Vincent?VINCENT: (Looks at the guns.) Adriana, your timing isn’t real good

here.ADRIANA: Daddy, Vincent and I are engaged!PRIMO: You’re what?!VINCENT: Primo, I had hoped to talk to you alone, but I… uh… want

permission to marry your daughter.PRIMO: You want my permission— Holy cannoli! You steal my money

and then you steal my daughter? Are you crazy or just stupid?VINCENT: Neither, sir! I love your daughter! And you know I didn’t steal

your money!PRIMO: Yeah, yeah, I know, the orphans have it.VINCENT: So… do we have your blessing?PRIMO: I don’t know. I gotta think about it. Adriana, you really like

this lug?ADRIANA: I really do, Daddy.PRIMO: Huh. I’ll never fi gure women out. (ISABELLA ENTERS CENTER.)

Speakin’ of women, where’s your mother?ISABELLA: I am here, my darling. Did you need me? (TITO and DINO

quickly put guns away before she sees them.)

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PRIMO: Bella, your little girl wants to get married. Whaddya think of that?

ISABELLA: (Gasps.) Oh! How wonderful! I am so happy, my baby! (Hugs ADRIANA and VINCENT.)

PRIMO: (Looks at AUDIENCE.) I shoulda known. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL. ISABELLA goes to answer the door, LEFT, followed by ADRIANA. VINCENT starts to follow but PRIMO grabs him.) This don’t mean I’m givin’ permission, get it? I wanna have a talk with you, but it’ll have to wait. Right now we got a party.

ISABELLA: (Opens the door. THUG 1, THUG 2, MAMA MIA, O’NEAL and MURPHY ENTER LEFT. THUGS take their places on either side of the door.) Mama Mia! Welcome to our home! I see you brought guests!

MAMA MIA: Signora Malvone, these are my friends Patrick (Indicates O’NEAL.) and Francis. (Indicates MURPHY.) They wanted to meet Luigi Lamborghini, even though they ain’t Italian.

O’NEAL: You don’t have to be Italian to enjoy fi ne music. Everybody’s heard of Luigi Lamborghini. He’s the greatest baritone in Italian opera. (PRIMO crosses LEFT to stand beside ISABELLA. TITO and DINO wait at entrance to offi ce, imitating THUGS’ stances.)

ISABELLA: What a smart man you are!MAMA MIA: So where is he?PRIMO: Luigi? He’ll be along. So Patrick, what do you do for a livin’?ISABELLA: Primo, don’t be rude! Come in, everyone! Be comfortable!

I am so glad you came to our party!CARLINA: (ENTERS CENTER with BIANCA.) Hey, everybody, are you

ready? The Malvone family proudly presents… Luigi and the Lamborghini Ladies! (Cue MUSIC. LUIGI, GINA and BETTINA ENTER CENTER, take their places and dance and sing “Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue” or another jazz piece. After the applause, the cast stands around in small groups, chatting while MUSIC plays softly under.)

PRIMO: (Walks over to MAMA MIA.) How ya doin’, Mama Mia? Havin’ a good time?

MAMA MIA: Look at this, boys! Primo Malvone, playin’ nice like a good little host. I thought you were nothin’ but a thug, Primo. You turnin’ over a new leaf?

PRIMO: Ha ha ha. Very funny. Come into my offi ce. (PRIMO, TITO, DINO, MAMA MIA and THUGS go into the OFFICE. LIGHTS DIM on the living room, and slow jazz can be playing softly. ALL in the living room are dancing or chatting quietly.)

MAMA MIA: Okay, let’s get down to business. You decided about my warehouses yet?

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PRIMO: Yeah, I decided.MAMA MIA: Well? What’s it gonna be?PRIMO: Okay. I’ll play ball. Ten thousand a month for a year, then we

renegotiate.MAMA MIA: Deal. So where are they?PRIMO: Your information ain’t as good as you think. I only got one

warehouse.MAMA MIA: Only one? Well, okay. Where is it?PRIMO: North of here. On North and Broadway. Behind the theater.MAMA MIA: North and Broadway. It’s a pleasure doin’ business with

ya, Primo.PRIMO: Likewise. (LIGHTS UP on the living room as MAMA MIA goes

over to O’NEAL and whispers in his ear. He signals MURPHY over and whispers in his ear. MURPHY EXITS LEFT. From offi ce.) Look at ’em, Tito. Off they go to look at my empty warehouse!

TITO: You’re a genius, boss.PRIMO: You better believe it. (He, TITO and DINO join the party. SOUND

EFFECT: DOORBELL.)BIANCA: (Opens the door and RICO ENTERS LEFT.) Mr. Linguini! I’m

glad you came! Come in!RICO: Miss Malvone! Again I thank you for inviting me. I am honored.BIANCA: You should be. It’s not every day Daddy shows Chicago what

a great fl ower merchant he is.RICO: Ah, yes. Rum is roses, gin is geraniums, daisies is whiskey.

Primo is a great… er… “fl ower merchant,” indeed.BIANCA: (Laughs.) Rum is roses? Is he still telling that old story?RICO: What do you mean, “story”?BIANCA: Well, it’s true Daddy USED to use the fl ower business as a

cover for selling booze. But he doesn’t do that anymore. Daddy is a straight businessman. He deals in real fl owers now.

RICO: What?! What are you saying?BIANCA: Look around! Would a gangster be able to get this many

fl owers?RICO: Well…BIANCA: Would a gangster spend money on this many fl owers?RICO: You have a point there. But the word on the street is that Primo

is the biggest gangster in Chicago.BIANCA: Well, he still has to look like one so the other gangsters

won’t try to bump him off. But really he’s as clean as wind-driven snow.

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RICO: This is very interesting. Why would Primo try so hard to become the liquor supplier for my new supper club if he does not supply liquor?

BIANCA: It’s a supper club! Very classy joint, right?RICO: Of course! We cater only to people of discriminating taste.BIANCA: Yeah! So you’ll need fresh fl owers every night, right?RICO: I had not thought about fresh fl owers, but they do make

everything very nice, very…BIANCA: Classy?RICO: Yes! Classy!BIANCA: See? Daddy wants to supply you with fl owers!RICO: All right. I must think about this. But who will I get to supply

the liquor?BIANCA: See that lady over there? That’s Mama Mia. She’s one of

the meanest gangsters in Chicago. She can get you all the booze you want.

RICO: Mama Mia?BIANCA: That’s her name.RICO: Thank you very much. I shall speak to her. But until then, is this

not a party?BIANCA: It certainly is.RICO: Would you care to dance?BIANCA: I thought you’d never ask. (They begin to dance. Suddenly

MURPHY bursts through the door, runs to O’NEAL and MAMA MIA and whispers something to them.)

MAMA MIA/O’NEAL: What??!!MAMA MIA: (Walks over to PRIMO.) What gives, you lousy scum?PRIMO: What’s up, Mama Mia, you need more ice?MAMA MIA: You know what’s up, Primo. That warehouse, it’s empty!PRIMO: Sure, it’s empty! You said you needed a place to store booze.

You can’t store booze in a full warehouse! But that ain’t what you wanted, was it, Mama Mia? You wanted a full warehouse so you could take me down! You cut a deal with the cops, didn’t ya, ya lousy female swamp rat!

MAMA MIA: (Shoves him.) Nobody calls Mama Mia a swamp rat, you dirty little cockroach! (EVERYONE stops to watch the confrontation.)

O’NEAL: (Draws his gun; RICO and MURPHY draw theirs as well.) Everybody freeze! Drop your weapons! Hands up! (They point their guns at PRIMO, TITO and DINO, who put their guns on the fl oor,

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then raise their hands.) Everybody! (They point at MAMA MIA and THUGS, who do the same. GINA and BETTINA, scared, run OUT LEFT. ISABELLA indicates to BIANCA, CARLINA and ADRIANA to leave; they EXIT CENTER. [NOTE: The GIRLS can peek in periodically or stay hidden somewhere onstage during the following action instead of exiting.] MUSIC OUT.)

PRIMO: Who’re you?O’NEAL: I’m Detective Patrick O’Neal, Chicago Police. This is Sergeant

Murphy and special agent Rico Linguini, FBI.PRIMO: FBI? What happened to the supper club?RICO: That was just my cover story. I’ve been watching you and

Mama Mia for months. What happened to all the booze in that warehouse?

PRIMO: I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, AGENT Linguini.TITO: Linguini? More like little weeney! (He and DINO laugh and do

high fi ves.)O’NEAL: We searched your warehouse. Nothing there but a dead rat.

You must have another warehouse somewhere.PRIMO: You better go back to cop school, Detective. I’m a legal

businessman these days. Right, Bella?ISABELLA: Of course you are, my darling! They can search the other

warehouse, too— (PRIMO screams.)O’NEAL: Other warehouse, ma’am?ISABELLA: But of course, Detective. It is on South Street and Park

Avenue. But I do not know why you want to search it. It is full of fl owers!

O’NEAL: (Signals MURPHY, who starts to EXIT LEFT.) That’s very interesting, ma’am.

RICO: We’re going to check it out. Don’t even think about leaving. We’ll be back. (EXITS LEFT with O’NEAL and MURPHY.)

MAMA MIA: (To THUGS.) Go with ’em, boys. We don’t need no more surprises. (THUG 1 and THUG 2 EXIT LEFT. PRIMO snaps his fi ngers at TITO and DINO and points at THUGS. TITO and DINO run across STAGE and OUT LEFT.)

ISABELLA: Why, this is ridiculous! Primo…PRIMO: Bella…VINCENT: (Interrupts.) Primo, can I talk to you now?PRIMO: Holy cannoli, you lug! This ain’t no time to pester me about

your love life!VINCENT: But Primo, it’s about that south warehouse…

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PRIMO: What about that warehouse?VINCENT: It’s full of roses, geraniums and daisies.PRIMO: Whaddya think I am, stupid? I know that! Holy cannoli!ISABELLA: Primo, this is all a mistake! Calm down, my darling, you

will become ill!PRIMO: Yeah. I am ill. Ill, ill, ill. Ain’t nobody ill-er than I am.LUIGI: But Primo, of course you are ill! You have not yet danced the

Charleston!VINCENT: No, Primo— listen! I mean real roses!PRIMO: Yeah, yeah, real roses, real geraniums and real trouble.LUIGI: Since I began to dance the Charleston and sing the jazz, I have

not been ill for one day!VINCENT: Primo, listen! That warehouse also has lilies, carnations

and violets!ISABELLA: My friend Maria was ill last week! Maybe she should learn

the Charleston!PRIMO: What are you talking about? We don’t sell no lilies and

violets.LUIGI: It is the tempo! The beat! You cannot be ill when your feet want

to dance!ISABELLA: Why, of course you do, Primo. There are some lovely lilies

right over there.LUIGI: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but music by

any other name would never equal the jazz! (MURPHY, O’NEAL and RICO ENTER LEFT. MURPHY is carrying fl owers. PRIMO tries to hide under his desk.)

ISABELLA: Well? What did you fi nd?MURPHY: Like you said, ma’am, it’s full of fl owers!MAMA MIA: What?!PRIMO: (Sits up in front of his desk.) WHAT?!MURPHY: We searched every inch. Nothin’ but buckets and buckets

of fl owers. It smelled real good.MAMA MIA: I can’t believe this!PRIMO: Me neither!VINCENT: (In a stage whisper.) Primo, that’s what I’ve been trying to

tell you! That warehouse has held nothing but fl owers for a year!PRIMO: (Whispers.) What are you talkin’ about?VINCENT: (Whispers.) Your fl ower shop was making so much money,

I expanded it. It made more last year than the rest of your

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businesses put together! I was trying to tell you not to worry about them searching that warehouse. You’re clean!

PRIMO: (Loud.) I’m clean?VINCENT: (Loud.) Squeaky clean.PRIMO: Of course I’m clean! What the heck’re you doin’ raidin’ a legal

business, Detective?MAMA MIA: Wait a minute! What’s goin’ on here? Ain’t you gonna

arrest this sorry louse?O’NEAL: You heard the sergeant. We don’t have any evidence.MAMA MIA: That’s a lie! Primo’s got booze stashed all over this city!

He can’t get away with this! If you cops won’t take him out, I will!O’NEAL: Believe me, Mama Mia, I’m just as disappointed as you.

Sixteen months of police work, down the drain.PRIMO: You know, Detective, after all your hard work I wouldn’t want

you to leave tonight empty-handed.O’NEAL: Oh, yeah?PRIMO: Yeah! Ask Mama Mia about her new speakeasy. (Turns his

back to MAMA MIA and elbows VINCENT.) The one with its own still!

MAMA MIA: Shut up, Primo! (Attacks PRIMO, jumping on his back. PRIMO bellows and they thrash around.)

O’NEAL: (With RICO, pulls MAMA MIA off PRIMO.) Maybe you’d better come downtown with us, Mama Mia. (Pulls out a pair of handcuffs.)

MAMA MIA: No way! Ain’t no cops gonna take down Mama Mia! (She breaks away. RICO and O’NEAL fall to the fl oor. MAMA MIA pulls a knife from her garter and grabs ISABELLA, holding the knife to ISABELLA’S throat.) Everybody back off! (Everyone except PRIMO and LUIGI backs up, reacting in horror.)

MAMA MIA: Are you crazy, Malvone? Shut your trap and say goodbye to your wife.

PRIMO: Hey, Loogy! Whaddya say, three seconds?LUIGI: Hmmm. Perhaps more. It has been a while. Give us ten

seconds.MAMA MIA: What’s going on here?PRIMO: Youse ready? (LUIGI and ISABELLA nod.) Set, go! (LUIGI

dances around doing karate chops and silly kicks. ISABELLA fl ips MAMA MIA. They struggle, but ISABELLA soon gets the knife away and holds MAMA MIA down with the knife on her.) Five seconds! That’s my girl!

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O’NEAL: Wow! I’ve never seen fi ghting like that in my life!MURPHY: I can’t believe you took out Mama Mia like that. (RICO and

O’NEAL hold MAMA MIA while MURPHY puts handcuffs on her.)ISABELLA: I am sorry you had to see that, Detective. (Pats her hair.)

It was not very ladylike.PRIMO: (To ISABELLA.) You’re too modest, Bella. (To others.) Didn’t

youse know my wife was the daughter of Louie the Leper?RICO: Louie the Leper! He was one of the meanest gangsters ever!

(To LUIGI.) So your father was Louie the Leper too?LUIGI: Sì. Our father was nicknamed Louie the Leper because he

made people’s arms fall off.PRIMO: Yeah. Louie was a real sweetheart. But he did one thing

right—he taught his kids how to take care of themselves. Right, Bella?

ISABELLA: It is true. From the time we were small, our father taught us to use knives, guns and fi sts.

LUIGI: But our mother was an angel! She tried for years to make our father go straight. She fi nally turned him in to the police because he would not change his ways.

RICO: (Disbelieving.) Your mother turned in Louie the Leper? His wife was the anonymous informant?

O’NEAL: Well, thanks for your help, ma’am. We’re just going to put this gangster behind bars where she belongs. (He, MURPHY, RICO and MAMA MIA EXIT LEFT.)

PRIMO: Lookit that! Mama Mia in cuffs! Ain’t that a pretty sight?ISABELLA: Primo, I want to talk to you.PRIMO: Uh-oh.ISABELLA: Why did the policemen think you were a gangster? Mama

Mia also said you were a gangster. And what about the other businesses Vincent was talking about? Explain.

PRIMO: What? Uh… well… I’m not! I mean, I didn’t… well…VINCENT: Let me explain, Mrs. Malvone. Primo’s building a school!ISABELLA: A school?PRIMO: A school?VINCENT: Yeah! A school to help gangsters learn how to go straight.PRIMO: WHAT?!VINCENT: Yeah. Lots of mobsters want to go straight but they don’t

know how. Primo’s school will show them how to do business without rubbing people out.

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ISABELLA: Oh, Primo! (Hugs PRIMO.) I am so happy! I thought I would have to kill you!

PRIMO: I’m happy about that too, Bella. (Crosses with VINCENT to offi ce.)

ISABELLA: Luigi, my brother, I am so sorry your party was ruined!LUIGI: Ruined? Of course it was not ruined! Come and sit down, my

darling. Rest for a while, and then we shall dance the night away! (He leads her over to a chair and they sit down. ADRIANA, BIANCA and CARLINA ENTER and cross to the offi ce and surround PRIMO and VINCENT.)

PRIMO: All right, you. What’s this about a school?VINCENT: You really are building a school. Now that you’re a legal

businessman and all.PRIMO: What?!ADRIANA: Here’s the deal, Daddy. Mama was this close to fi nding out

about your booze business. The cops were even closer. We got you out of it, but now you have to stay out of it. (TITO and DINO ENTER LEFT, disheveled, and walk across to the offi ce. They should arrive just as PRIMO says, “You’re all fi red.”)

PRIMO: You threatenin’ me, little girl?VINCENT: It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. (Pokes PRIMO’S chest.) If

you ever go back into business as a mobster… (PRIMO grabs him by the shirt. In a trembling voice.) …we’ll tell your wife on you.

PRIMO: Holy cannoli! I can’t believe my own family’s turnin’ on me like a pack of skunks! That’s it, you’re fi red! You’re all fi red! (TITO and DINO react in disbelief and despair, slumping into chairs.)

BIANCA: Daddy, you can’t fi re us, we’re family.PRIMO: He ain’t family! (Points to VINCENT.)ADRIANA: He’s going to be, or we’ll tell Mama.PRIMO: (Glares at VINCENT, who glares back. Finally, PRIMO gives up.)

Ah, why not? My business has gone straight, my family’s makin’ me be legal, my daughter’s marryin’ a stinkin’ accountant… My whole life went down the drain in the last 30 seconds. (Calls out half-heartedly in the direction of the living room.) Bella, pack your bags, we’re movin’ to Wyoming.

BIANCA: Oh, Daddy, don’t feel bad. You can be legal and still have fun.

PRIMO: Yeah? Who’m I gonna boss around? Who’m I gonna yell at?CARLINA: Oh, come on, Daddy. You can always yell at Dino. (DINO sits

up and nods happily.) Besides, you can’t move to Wyoming.PRIMO: Why not?

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CARLINA: (Takes PRIMO’S arm.) Because Bianca and I want to go into the fl ower business.

BIANCA: (Takes PRIMO’S other arm.) Just like you, Daddy.PRIMO: Well, why didn’t ya say so? Hey! Ain’t this a party? Let’s

dance! (CUE MUSIC. ALL begin to dance. CURTAIN.)END OF PLAY

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE, ACT ONE: desk, desk chair, two large chairs, bookcase, lamps,

trash can, safe, elegant sofa, two chairs, coffee table, lamps, rug, tall table or stand draped with a cloth with a statue or plant on it.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two:Pistol, small notebook, pen (TITO)

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Three:Suitcase, purse, knife, engagement ring, clothes for Vincent

(ADRIANA)Pistols (BIANCA, CARLINA)Armloads of fl owers, pistols (TITO, DINO)Several suitcases (ALBERTO)Pistols (THUGS)Rubber rat (DINO)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO: A punchbowl and cups, a banner that reads “Welcome Luigi,” tons of fl owers.

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO:Newspaper (PRIMO)Rubber rat (DINO)Pistols (TITO, DINO, THUGS, O’NEAL, RICO LINGUINI, MURPHY)Flowers (MURPHY)Handcuffs (O’NEAL, MURPHY)Knife (MAMA MIA)

NOTE: “Pistols” are obviously toys—air soft guns with bright orange tips or squirt guns. The less realistic, the funnier it is.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGTHUG 1, THUG 2 and SERGEANT MURPHY can be either male or female. Likewise, ALBERTO can also be female by changing the character’s name to ALBERTA.

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COSTUMESPRIMO, TITO, DINO and male THUGS wear black suits, white or red

shirts, ties, suspenders and black fedora hats. In ACT TWO, the men wear evening suits or tuxedos, except for TITO, DINO and THUGS who don’t change.

VINCENT should wear a white shirt, vest, pants, tie—all very dirty and covered with trash, including a rubber fi sh, in ACT ONE.

LUIGI wears a brightly colored suit, top hat or bowler and a bow tie in ACT ONE.

DETECTIVE O’NEAL wears a “Sherlock Holmes” style cloak and hat or a policeman’s uniform in ACT ONE and a suit and tie in ACT TWO.

SERGEANT MURPHY wears a policeman’s uniform in ACT ONE and a suit and tie in ACT TWO.

ISABELLA is elegantly dressed, appropriate to 1920s fashion.ADRIANA, BIANCA and CARLINA dress appropriate to 1920s fashion

in ACT ONE and wear fl apper dresses and headbands in ACT TWO. BIANCA and CARLINA need garters to hold their guns.

MAMA MIA wears a red or black dress with a black fedora hat in ACT ONE and a red fl apper dress or black evening dress and garters to hold her pistol and knife.

GINA and BETTINA wear fl apper dresses.ALBERTO wears a black suit, chauffeur’s hat.

SOUND EFFECTS/MUSICDoorbell, “Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue” underscore for LUIGI’S musical number, slow jazz for background music in ACT TWO, Scene Two. Other music suggestions include, “When the Saints Go Marching In” and “The Charleston.” With only a few line changes, all music can be eliminated, if preferred. In this case, the roles of GINA and BETTINA are not necessary.

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