Boys Night Out

7/30/2019 Boys Night Out

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Boys Night Out

By Owen O'Neill


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INT - SMALL APARTMENT

SEBASTIAN, standing at around 5'9, is seen walking into a barely

furnished apartment. There is a box in his hand, and he places it on

the floor. FRANCIS, standing at around 6'0, is seen rummaging through

a box on a counter.

SEBASTIAN

That's the last one!

FRANCIS

What the hell are you talking about?

That's the first box that you've brought

up. We literally just started.

SEBASTIAN

But it's the last box that I'll be bringing

up. There are way too many stairs in this

god forsaken place. Besides, that's not the

first box that I brought up."

SEBASTIAN walks over to a refridgerator and grabs a beer from a box

of beer. He then sits on a couch in the middle of the room.

FRANCIS

You're already drinking?

SEBASTIAN

There's nothing wrong with casually

checking the endurance of my liver.

FRANCIS

What?

SEBASTIAN

People go to the doctor's to make sure their

body is working fine - but there are some


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things you can test yourself. I'm just

making sure my liver is still in good shape

FRANCIS

Can't you wait until later, or at least

until we're done with this?

SEBASTIAN

Why can't I start drinking now?

FRANCIS

You know who asks that? Alcoholics.

SEBASTIAN

What are you trying to say...?

There is a knock at the door. FRANCIS walks over to answer it.

SEBASTIAN

I gotta piss.

SEBASTIAN exits to the bathroom. FRANCIS opens the door to see a

poorly dressed man with a beard, wearing a baseball cap. He doesn't

look like he's been living well.

STRANGE MAN

Er..hello. I live across the hall and I

saw you guys moving boxes from outside

so I thought I could give you a hand.

STRANGE MAN looks shifty and socially awkward. FRANCIS pays no

attention to the weird tendencies of the man.

FRANCIS

Yes! That would be perfect! I'll show

you where I parked.

The STRANGE MAN chuckles briefly.

STRANGE MAN

You have a car?


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FRANCIS

Why wouldn't I?

STRANGE MAN

Nobody drives in the city - there's too

much traffic.

EXT: PARKING LOT

The sun is high in the sky, it's a beautiful day. FRANCIS and STRANGE

MAN approach a small car cramped with boxes.

FRANCIS

Here she is!

FRANCIS opens the trunk of his car and grabs a box and hands it to

the STRANGE MAN

STRANGE MAN

Kinda light, what's in here?

FRANCIS

I think it might be clothes...

FRANCIS turns his back to the STRANGE MAN and starts rummaging

through his trunk again. He continues his sentence.

FRANCIS

(CON'T)...but I'm not entirely sure.

I'd have to open it up to see.

FRANCIS turns around with a new box in his hand and notices that the

STRANGE MAN has vanished and is awkwardly running down the street. He

is running as if he has feces in his pants.

FRANCIS

Hey man what the hell!

A laugh is heard off screen. The camera pans to a well dressed man

(DAVE) who screams success. DAVE walks over to FRANCIS with a grin on

his face.


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DAVE

First time in the big city?

FRANCIS:

Yeah - what gave it away?

DAVE

The fact that you just got robbed by

a homeless guy.

FRANCIS

He was homeless?

DAVE:

You fell for the ole 'homeless guy sneaks

into apartment building of new resident

and offers to lend a hand'. Oldest trick

in the book.

FRANCIS

In my defense, he was inside my apartment

building. I don't know how he got inside.

DAVE

The building has a lock on it to keep the

homeless out - someone must have let him in.

FRANCIS

What idiot would do that?

DAVE

I'm not sure - but don't be too hard on

them. The homeless are crafty. They are

always thinking of clever ways to do things.

They can be incredibly persuasive.

FLASH BACK - EXT - OUTSIDE APARTMENT BUILDING

SEBASTIAN is walking towards the aprtment building door, as he opens


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it a voice is heard.

STRANGE MAN

Can you hold the door?

SEBASTIAN

Yeah, sure

The STRANGE MAN runs from behind SEBASTIAN and walks into the

building. SEBASTIAN holds the door open and nods at the STRANGE MAN

as he walks inside

BACK TO MODERN TIME - EXT - PARKING LOT

DAVE

At least you have one less box to

carry up.

FRANCIS

My clothes were in that box!

DAVE

Yeah, but I'm sure you've got another

box filled with clothes. You'll be fine.

INT - APARTMENT BUILDING

FRANCIS is looking through a box with a nervous look on his face.

SEBASTIAN and DAVE are both standing in the room with him.

FRANCIS

Socks, underwear, a few t-shirts...and some

pajamas. Fantastic.

SEBASTIAN

You still have pajamas?

FRANCIS

Don't you?

SEBASTIAN laughs under his breath


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SEBASTIAN

I'm a grown man of course I don't

wear pajamas.

DAVE

The last time I wore pajamas is when

it was socially acceptable for me to go

to the bathroom in my pants.

FRANCIS

Well what do you sleep in?

DAVE

I dunno, boxers or something.

SEBASTIAN

I used to do that but then my balls started

getting claustrophobic during the summer

months.

FRANCIS

Aw man gross! I don't want to be hearing

about that shit - and I'm sure our guest

doesn't either!

DAVE

I know exactly what you mean. I get the

same feeling on those long August nights

when your underwear feels like a Chinese sauna.

I'm DAVE by the way.

SEBASTIAN

I'm SEBASTIAN. Can I get you a beer?

DAVE

Absolutely! It's never too early for a

beer.

SEBASTIAN walks towards the fridge staring at FRANCIS with a dumb

look on his face the entire time.


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FRANCIS

I can't believe I have to share a bed

with you and I'm just finding out that

you sleep naked.

DAVE

You guys are sharing a bed? Are you..

FRANCIS

What? No!

SEBASTIAN:

We're just two dudes sleeping and living

together. It's completely hetereosexual.

It's not even a bed. It's more of a mattress

on the floor.

FRANCIS:

That counts as a bed.

SEBASTIAN

Pssh - maybe in Japan.

DAVE laughs

DAVE

So what brings you to the Big City?

FRANCIS

Just needing a fresh start I guess.

SEBASTIAN

Women.

DAVE

Hey! I know women. I could introduce you

to Rose and Michelle. They live in the

building and are both incredibly lonely.

SEBASTIAN


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Let's do it!

FRANCIS

Let's not.

SEBASTIAN:

Oh come on. Don'tbe that guy.

FRANCIS

I'm being that guy.

SEBASTIAN

Yeah, but don't be.

DAVE

Come on FRANCIS! Sure you were just

robbed, and out smarted by a homeless man,

and you have little to no clothes - AND

probably no money since you just moved...but

that doesn't mean you can't come out tonight!

FRANCIS

That's exactly what that means. I start

my new job tomorrow. I don't want to behungover.

DAVE

Your boss won't care! You can just play

it off like you're nervous. It'll be fine.

SEBASTIAN

We won't even drink to the point that

we're hungover! We'll have a few beers,

and wake up feeling better than ever.

INT - THE APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY

An alarm goes off, FRANCIS is lying on the floor.SEBASTIAN has taken

over the entire matress. He is fully naked, but slightly covered by a

thin blanket.


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FRANCIS:

Oh my god...my head.

FRANCIS lifts his head up off the floor and notices there is a

strange fluid on the side of his face. He touches it with his fingers

and smells it. His head jerks back.

FRANCIS:

I don't even want to know.

SEBASTIAN:

Turn off that goddamn alarm.

FRANCIS swings an arm up to the night stand to disable his alarm

clock.

FRANCIS

Relax. You get to sleep in - I don't

have anything to wear to work and I'm

incredibly hungover.

SEBASTIAN

Just borrow one of my suits

FRANCIS

You're way shorter than I am!

SEBASTIAN

Pssh. Barely. Like an inch.

FRANCIS:

Like six.

SEBASTIAN

It's that - or you can go in your

adorable ACDC pajamas.

CUT TO INT - OFFICE ELEVATOR

FRANCIS is seen looking incrdibly hungover, messy hair, with a look

of dread in his face. He is wearing a suit that is far too tight, and


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too small for him. His pants look like kapris, and his dress shirt is

more of a collared belly top. A MAN enters the elevator looking sharp

as ever, and is in an incredibly good mood.

MAN

Well, don't you look like a sparkling

ray of sunshine

FRANCIS looks at the MAN and doesn't say anything.

MAN

That suit is a little small for you,

eh?

FRANCIS:

Oh really? I didn't notice.

MAN

Yeesh, rough morning. Late night? We've

all been there, I know I have. Even THE BOSS

is known to come in a little hungover.

Sometimes he's still drunk.

FRANCIS

Were you incredibly hungover on your first

day?

MAN

No, I'm not an alcoholic.

FRANCIS

I have a meeting with the boss in 15 minutes. I

really hope he doesn't notice the smell of liquor

and shame that is leaking out of my skin rightnow.

MAN

Is that what that was?

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER INT - OFFICE CUBICLE


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FRANCIS is sitting at his desk staring at the clock on the wall. He

looks around nervously as he overhears the chatter of co workers, and

phones ringing. His headache appeares to be bothering him. DAVE

enters from around the corner of the cubicle.

DAVE:

Good morning...

DAVE looks down at his clipboard.

DAVE:

(CONT'D)...FRANCIS! Nice suit. I'm DAVE,

I'll be your department supervisor. Since

you're new here, I was hoping we could get

to know each other a little better.

FRANCIS

DAVE, I know who you are. We got

belligerently drunk last night and sang karaoke.

DAVE

Yeah I know. I was just messin' with ya.

Were we any good?

FRANCIS

From what I remember - no.

FLASH BACK INT - KARAOKE BAR

DAVE and FRANCIS have their arms wrapped behind each others backs.

They are standing in the middle of the stage, drunkinly rocking back

and fourth. The two men are singing 'WE BELONG' by PAT BENATAR. As

the song progresses to the chorus, the two men are trying to fight

back tears as they look into each other's eyes.

MODERN TIME INT - OFFICE CUBICLE

DAVE:

That sounds like something I would

do. Where was SEBASTIAN?


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FLASH BACK INT - KARAOKE BAR

DAVE and FRANCIS are holding each other as 'WE BELONG' plays in the

background. The two men are crying relentlessly.

SEBASTIAN:

"YOU SUCK!"

MODERN TIME INT - OFFICE CUBICLE

DAVE

I thought we were pretty good.

FRANCIS

I don't want to ever have that flash

back again.

DAVE

I want to relive that moment for the rest of

my life. It was romantic.

FRANCIS

It was romantic in the same way that getting

married in Vegas is romantic.

DAVE

My parents married in Vegas.

FRANCIS

I'm sure it was very romantic.

DAVE

It was, until my mom popped me out in the

middle of the ceremony and Elvis almost

sued them for staining the carpet.

There is an awkward pause - DAVE's pager starts vibrating. He checks

it and then sighs.

DAVE


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Look, I gotta go. Keep up the good work

and don't come in to work hungover again.

DAVE starts to walk away.

FRANCIS:

What am I supposed to be doing?

DAVE doesn't hear what FRANCIS says and continues to walk away.

FRANCIS looks at his desk with a clueless expression.

EXT - PARK

SEBASTIAN is seen sitting on a park bench staring at a flock of

birds, and on the other side sits a group of school children. There

are joggers running by him. SEBASTIAN is in a deep stare and isn't

blinking - he looks incredibly hungover and is wearing track pants

and a hoodie.

TEACHER

Sir. Sir? Can you please leave?

SEBASTIAN snaps out of his stare.

SEBASTIAN

Huh?

TEACHER

Can you please leave?

SEBASTIAN

What? What did I do?

TEACHER

The school children are becoming frightened

that a homeless man is staring at them while they

eat.

SEBASTIAN

What? I'm not homeless. I'm just looking at the

birds!

TEACHER


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I'm not judging you or your life decisions.

SEBASTIAN

What are you talking about?

TEACHER

You smell like liquor and shame, haven't shaved

in what appears to be months, and you're just

sitting in a park staring at "birds". Who does

that?

SEBASTIAN

People that really like birds.

TEACHER

For the safety and comfort of these children,

please leave.

SEBASTIAN

You can't tell me what to do.

A POLICE OFFICER walks over to investigate the situation.

POLICE OFFICER

Is there a problem here?

TEACHER

This man is scaring the children while they are

eating lunch and I kindly asked him to move.

POLICE OFFICER

Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

SEBASTIAN

What? Why? Because I look homeless?

POLICE OFFICER

No not because you look homeless - but you

can't be sitting by yourself staring at children,

or be loitering in a public


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park.

The POLICE OFFICER points to a sign that says 'NO LOITERING'

SEBASTIAN

I can't loiter in a public park? Then who

the hell put benches for people to sit?

POLICE OFFICER

I don't like the attitude. You can't sit

around all day staring at a bunch of school

children.

SEBASTIAN

I'm not staring at the school children I'm

staring at the birds!

POLICE OFFICER

Who does that?

SEBASTIAN

A man who really likes birds. Has nobody here

every stopped to look at a flock of birds before?

The park is shown - people are doing a variety of recreationalactivity and ignoring the birds.

POLICE OFFICER:

I'm not going to ask you again.

SEBASTIAN

It's a public park! This is a free country!

If I want to sit on this bench and stare a

flock of seagulls, then by God I am going

to do it! I dream of a world where I can be

beyong hungover and sit in public places

without being questioned! I will not stand

for this oppression! There is nothing you

can do to stop me from sitting here.

INT - OFFICE CUBICLE


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FRANCIS is sitting his chair staring at the clock on the wall. His

cell phone starts ringing obnoxiously. He panics and answers it.

FRANCIS

Hello?

SEBASTIAN [on the phone]

Hey man.

FRANCIS

SEBASTIAN? Why the hell are you calling

me at work?

CUT TO SEBASTIAN standing at a pay phone in a police station. His

hair is messed up, clothes are torn, and his eyes are incredibly red

and watery.

SEBASTIAN

Oh you know...just thought I'd let you know

that I missed you. And I wanted to see how

your first day was going?

CUT BACK TO FRANCIS

FRANCIS

Awful. DAVE is my boss, everyone is laughing at

this pathetic excuse for a suit, I'm hungover,

and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.

I don't even know what this office does - I just

applied and faked my way through the interview.

SEBASTIAN

How do you not know what the office does?

FRANCIS:

I was applying to so many jobs I just

sort of lost track.

SEBASTIAN

Right. Anyway, if you could swing by the


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'ole police station to pick me up on your

way home from work that would be fantastic.

FRANCIS

You were arrested?!

SEBASTIAN

Not so much arrested, more detained.

FRANCIS

What did you do?

SEBASTIAN

Well, apparently I look like a homeless

pedophile. I just need you to pick me up.

FRANCIS

I'll come by when I leave work. Try

to survive until then.

CUT TO SEBASTIAN - a large white male is staring at him with a

sinsiter grin.

SEBASTIAN

I can't make any promises.

SEBASTIAN hangs up the phone.

CUT TO FRANCIS

FRANCIS (under breath)

I just have to keep myself busy for a

few more hours - don't let anyone know

you've been doing nothing all morning.

DAVE enters

DAVE

Hey bud! Keepin' busy?

FRANCIS

Absolutely.


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DAVE

I hope you haven't been working too hard

today - you know, because it's your first

day and all you think you might have to

prove yourself. How's the Neilson file

coming?

FRANCIS pauses.

FRANCIS

A lot can be said about that Neilson file,

let me tell you.

DAVE

Really? Like what?

DAVE becomes suddenly suspicious and FRANCIS begins to panic.

FRANCIS

You know - nothing interesting. It's

a file about...Neilson. And...ugh.

DAVE

You haven't started it, have you?

FRANCIS

I haven't done anything all morning.

I've literally been sitting at my desk

staring at the clock.

DAVE

Oh really? And what time is it?

FRANCIS:

...3:15

DAVE

3.15! Do you hear that everyone? FRANCIS

has been sitting here, in this office,

doing absolutely nothing, for close to


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6 hours - and nobody has noticed.

There is a hush in the office.

DAVE

...we've got a new winner!

There is a thunderous applause as FRANCIS' co-workers clap and

whistle for him.

FRANCIS

Winner?

DAVE

Every time there is a new employee, we

purposely don't tell them what to do andsee how long they'll go before they ask

for guidance. You, however, just sat here,

the entire time. You sir, have too much pride

to admit you're a clueless idiot. I like that.

FRANCIS

Wow.

DAVE

It takes a lot of patience to sit here for six

hours doing absolutely nothing. Congratulations.

FRANCIS

Thanks?

DAVE:

Now, let me tell you what we do here.

INT - PRISON CELL

SEBASTIAN is sitting in the corner of the cell rocking back and

forth. with a group of large men with a 'career criminal' look to

them.

PRISONER 1

What's wrong with him?


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PRISONER 2

I think he might be scared.

PRISONER 1

[angry] Scared of what? Hey!

Fresh meat!

The prisoner hits the bars of the cell in a fit of rage.

PRISONER 1

HEY. I'm talking to you! Are you

scared of me?

SEBASTIAN

Mortified.

PRISONER 1

[more angry] Why? I'm a nice guy.

Don't you think I'm a nice guy?

PRISONER 2

You're the nicest guy I've ever met.

PRISONER 1

I better be.

SEBASTIAN

[panicking] Someone help me! He's

going to kill me!

PRISONER 1 puts a menacing grin on his face.

PRISONER 1

Oh, I'm not going to kill you. Don't

worry sweet cheeks.

INT - OFFICE CUBICLE

DAVE is standing while FRANCIS is sitting in his office chair.

DAVE


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So yeah, we run a pretty simple operation.

Just remember do the do's and don't do

the don'ts. What's Sebastian up to today?

FRANCIS

He's in jail for being a homeless

pedophile.

DAVE

Wow - you think you know someone.

FRANCIS

I've got to pick him up on the way

home from work.

DAVE

Ooh, rough, think he'll survive?

FRANCIS

How bad could it be? It's just

prison.

DAVE and FRANCIS have a sudden realization.

DAVE

You should probably go get

him now.

FRANCIS

I can just leave?

DAVE

Meh, you weren't doing anything

anyway.

FRANCIS

Thank you so much, Dave. I owe

you one.

DAVE


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You can repay me by never forgetting

that beautiful night we had together.

FRANCIS:

Deal.

FRANCIS exits the office. DAVE slowly walks away singing WE BELONG.

INT - PRISON CELL

SEBASTIAN seems a lot more relaxed. The inmates are sitting in a

circle on the floor - much like a support group.

PRISONER 1

You just have to say to yourself, 'I'mnot going to be a homeless pedophile

anymore'. You need to turn your life

around.

SEBASTIAN

You're right, unnamed prisoner. I think

if I really apply myself I can change

that.

PRISONER 1 and SEBASTIAN hug each other. While in the middle of a

hug, SEBASTIAN starts speaking

SEBASTIAN

So how did a nice, caring man like you

end up in this place?

PRISONER 1

I killed a man with my bare hands.

SEBASTIAN stops hugging PRISONER 1 and becomes worried again. FRANCIS

approaches the bars of the cell.

FRANCIS

Yep, that's my homeless guy.

A prison guard unlocks the doors to the cell.


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SEBASTIAN

Where the hell have you been?

FRANCIS:

I'm here earlier than I said - you

should be happy.

SEBASTIAN:

I have lost all sense of time. I feel like

it's 20 years in the future and you're not

even FRANCIS. You could be FRANCIS' child.

How long was I in there for?

PRISON GUARD

About an hour.

FRANCIS

Wow, you really did hard time

today.

SEBASTIAN

I may never recover.

FRANCIS and SEBASTIAN start walking down the hallway out of theprison.

SEBASTIAN

So what are we going to get up to

tonight?

FRANCIS

You're kidding.

SEBASTIAN

What's DAVE doing? Let's hit the bar.

FRANCIS:

No. No. No. We are not going out again.

My body can't handle it.You aren't going

to trick me this time. You may be cunning


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and crafty, but I just bailed you out of

prison, so I think that you owe m-

INT - APARTMENT

FRANCIS is lying in a similar position as he was after his first

night on the town. SEBASTIAN is lying across the entire mattress

again - still covered by a thin sheet. He touches his face to find a

similiar fluid on his cheek.

FRANCIS

[shouting] I still don't even know what

this is!

Fin.


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Boys Night Out

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