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Back To SchoolLittle Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Twodays later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I nevercalled you once when he misbehaved."

Stop SignA policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked theman if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stopsigns."The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with

my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Dead BirdAtif and Goher were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Goher says, "Aww, Atif,look at the dead bird."

Atif looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"

Who Is Stupid?A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started herclass by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you thinkyou're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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Innocent GirlA little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today inschool I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with yourteacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

BusinessmanA young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautifuloffice and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, thebusinessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big dealworking. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Wake Up!A teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleepingway up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor,"Hey wake that student up!"The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Easy EggsOne Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in

line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind ofharassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest foryou."

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With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it backto me.

Talking Too MuchEight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks weregood...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl,but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going totry, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me knowif your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

MillionaireA woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband amillionaire."

"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

Online BankingTECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer onlinebanking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use ourservice to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack.Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

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TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on thecomputer?

Pathan Gets MoneyPathan : Ya Allah tu mujhay 100 rupay dega toh main 50 teri rah mein donga,Rastay main pathan ko zameen se 50 rupay milay toh woh bola "Ya Allah itna bhi

bharoosa nahi ke pehlay he kaat liye"

1 KG DhoodhSardar milk shop per jaker 1 kilo bhains ka dhoodh de do,

Shopkeeper : Tumhara bartan chota hai.Sardar : Acha phir aisa karo, bakri ka he de do.

Main Bara Hoke Pilot BanongaAli : Mama main bara hoke Pilot banongaMamma : Beta mujhay kaise pata chalega ke ye mere betay ka jahaz hai?Ali : Guzarte waqt apnay gher per Gola phaink dia karonga.

Mother TongueA sardar was helping his son in filling his admission form, Son asked to Sardar"Baapu mother tongue walay box main kya likhna hai?"Sardar : Likh de puttar "Very Long"

Shaadi Ka KhatPathan : Maine khat likha tha ke meri Shaadi per Aana, tum kyun nahi aye?2nd Pathan : Mujhay khat mila he nahi.1st Pathan : Maine likha tha, khat milay ya na milay tum zaroor aana.

Shaadi eMail Se Bhi Hoti HaiEk American ne Sardar se kaha "Hamaray yahan Shaadi email se bhi hoti hai" is

per Sardar bola "Kamaal hai hamaray yahan toh sirf female se hoti hai"

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Meri Toh Behan HaiSardar going with his Sister, Someone shouts "Girlfriend leker kahan chalay"Sardar gets furious & slap him & says "Oye Girlfriend hogi teri...meri toh behanhai.

Jawani Aur BurhapaTeacher : Jawani aur Burhapay main farak batao?Student : Jawani mein mobile main larkiyo ke numbers hotay hain aur Burhapaymain hakeemo ke.

Bijli Chali GayeDil jisko dia woh delhi chali gaye,

Pyaar jisko kia woh italy chali gaye,Phir dil ne socha, khudh khushi kar k dekhai,Hath Switch mein dia toh Bijli chali gaye.

Pathan ProposingPathan proposing a girl...hi darling kya mujse shadi kro ge.girl...tameez say baat kro

pathan. Aslam.o.Alaikum baji kya mujse shadi kro ge.

Last chanceDuring Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroomis made to sit on the horse?

He is given his last chance to run away.

Perfect birthday gift!

A husband and wife were shopping at a mall.

After some shopping the wife said, Darling, itsmy mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buyfor her? She would like something electric.

The husband replied, How about a chair??

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Does you dog bites?A man was sitting near a dog. Another manappeared there and asked the first man Does yourdog bites?

Man: No

The second man sits and the dog bites him!

Second man angrily: You said it does notbites!

Man: This is not my dog.

It really worksThe husband leaned over, made a wish and threwin a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish too. But sheleaned over too much, fell into the well, anddrowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but thensmiled thinking It really works!

Do aankhe battis daanteSaas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, Chawal se

patthar nahi nikal sakti kya?

Bahu: Khuda ne tumhe battis daant diye hai do

char 2-4 patthar nahi chabba sakti kya!!!

Paying the fine moneyA pick pocket was up in court for a series of

petty crimes.

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The judge said Mr. Banks you are hereby fined$100.

The lawyer stood up and said Thanks, my lord,however my client only has $75 on him at thistime, But if youd allow him a few minutes inthe crowd he will gather all the required fine.

Be saved from infection!Banta: Yeh chaaku kyun ubaal rahe ho?

Santa: Suicide karne ke liye

Banta: Toh phir ubalne kyu, kya zaroorat hai?

Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye!

Customer and tech supportCustomer: Hi, this is Celine. I cant get mydiskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, its really stuck.

Tech support: That doesnt sound good, Ill makea note.

Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadnt insertedit yet, Its still on my desk. Sorry.

Gabbar ka khaufMaa apne bete se kehti: Beta so ja warna gabbaraa jayega.

Beta apni maa se kehta: Maa mujhe Chocolate dovarna papa se keh dunga ke mere sone ke bad roz

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gabbar aata hai.

Idiot question and answerQ: On which side does a chicken have the mostfeathers?A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephantunder your bed?A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: Whats a fleas favorite way to travel?A: Itch-hiking.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?A: Because Frost bites.

Ek gharwali aur.....Pandit : Tumhare jeevan mein 6 ladkiya aayengi.

Thambu : Wow, kya baat hai.

Pandit: Zyada khush honey ki baat nahi hai. Ekgharwali aur 5 betiya hai..

Railway Accident!Once a young mas was asked in an interview Didyou ever meet any Railway accident?

The man replied: Yes, once the train was goingthrough a long tunnel I have kissed the father

instead of his daughter.

Learning tensesOnce the teacher was teaching tenses.

Boy : Miss, what will be the present tense of

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samsung?

Teacher: I dont know.

Boy: Thats very simple If Samsung is past thenSamsing will be the present

Archeologist husband is bestTwo girls are talking about their futurehusband. One is telling that she will marry Anarcheologist. Second girl asked why?

She told, An archeologist is the best husband

any woman can have.The older she gets the moreinterested he is in her.

Poor neighbourSon to his mother The people next door must be

poor.

Mother said, Why do you say that?

The son replied, Because they made such a fusswhen the baby swallowed a ten paise coin.

Medical CollegeTwo friends are walking through a garden.

Suddenly one climbed up a top of the coconuttree and told to another friend Now I can seeGirls Medical college hostel.

Then the another friend replied that if youuntie your hands you will see medical collegealso.

Faithful dog!

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Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?

Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also.

He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me.

$200 for three questions!A new client meets a famous lawyer.

Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!

Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?

Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Jin!Jinn: Kya Hukam hai merai AaqaAaqa : Mulk ka sara maal meray account mey daal doJinn: Aaqa Hukam karin Bakwaaas na karain Mey Jinn hu Zardari nah

English!Laloo parsad yadav, 1 month America mein Bush se english ki training le kerwapis aaya.1 din phone ayaLaloo jee says: Who is speaking?Jawab aya: Hum sasura bushwa bol raha hoon.

Memon and Jin!Aik memon ko jinn charh gaya ..

3 days baad jinn khud aik aalim k paas gaya aur bola "Aalim sahab! Mujhay baharnikalo .. main tou bhooka hee mar jaon ga"

Subject!Man : my wife is too good.She can talk on any subject for hours.

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Friend : Ahh!!! My wife is better,She does not even need a subject to talk about.

Easyload!A man saw a snake on the bed of his mother-in-law (Saas).He asked snake:Please Meri Saas ko Das lo.Snake replied: Abey kia loon? Main issi se tau apna zeher "Easyload" karwatahoon!

Sala Sa Law!?Judge: U r crossing the limits.

Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?Judge: How dare you call me saala?Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai?

Kal Kal ke chakkar!Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupiya de do.Saheb: Kal aana.

Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere laakhoon rupayephase huye hain.

Peace on earth!What do u call a woman in heaven?An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?PEACE ON EARTH!

Car Indicator!

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Sardar driving a jeep in jungle,

Tourist: how do you escape if lion comes now..?

Sardar: give the right indicator and turn left.

Light Bulb!Two factory workers are talking.Woman: I can make the boss give me the dayoff.

Man: And how would you do that?

Woman: Just wait and see. She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: What are you doing?

Woman: Im a light bulb.

Boss: Youve been working so much that youve gone crazy. I think you need totake the day off.The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are yougoing?

The man says: Im going home, too. I cant work in the dark.

Nobel PrizeA man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in themiddle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car over to the side of the road andnotices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, Ahexcuse me sir, but what are you doing ? Santa replies, Im trying to win a Nobel

Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are outstanding in theirfield.

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What about you?Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.What about you?

Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!What about you?

Monkey was handling the steering!Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a monkey who wastraveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with themonkey.

Officer: When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?Monkey: Tying their belts

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing?Monkey: Saying Hello! Good morning!

plane-crash.jpg

Officer: What were the pilots doing?Monkey: Checking the system

Officer: What were you doing?Monkey: Looking for my people

Officer: After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing?Monkey: Having beverages and snacks

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing?Monkey: Serving the travelers

Officer: What were the Pilots doing?Monkey: Handling the steering

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Officer: What were you doing?Monkey: Eating & throwing

Officer: After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?Monkey: Some were sleeping and some were reading

Officer: What were the air hostesses ?Monkey: Make up

Officer: What were the pilots doing?Monkey: Handling the steering

Officer: What were you doing?Monkey: Nothing

Officer: Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?Monkey: All were sleeping

Officer: What were the air hostesses doing?Monkey: Kissing the pilots

Officer: What were the pilots doing?Monkey: Responding

Officer: What were you doing?Monkey: Handling the steering !!!

Santa hanged to death by bantaSanta and banta singh were both in a mental hospital. Once they were walking

past a swimming pool, santa suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to thebottom and stayed there.

Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled santaout.

When the medical director became aware of bantas heroic act, he immediatelyordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to bementally stable.

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When he went to tell banta the news he said, Banta, I have good news and badnews. The good news is youre being discharged because since you were able to

jump in andSave the life of another patient, I think youve regained your senses. The badnews is santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the

bathroom. I am so sorry, but hes dead.

Then banta replied, He didnt hang himself. I put him there to dry.

Little PreetoLittle Preeto came running into the house after school one day, shouting, Daddy!Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!

Thats great, sweetheart, said her daddy. Come in to the living room and tellme about it.

Well, said Preeto, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in Maths and 20 in Science.

See the balancingEk baar ek kavi sammelan chal raha tha. Bhaut se kavi bore kar rahe they. Eksardar se jab nahi raha gaya toh woh khud stage par aaya aur bola ab suniye.

Ek kutta Loge bole wah wahSardar phir bola Ek kutta, kutte ke uper kutta

Log phir bole wah wah wahSardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kuttey,Unkey oper 3 kutte, Ab log silent ho gaye thodi der baad ek aur sardar bole wahwah

Manch wala sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kute, unke oper 3 kutte, unkey

oper 4 kutte

Audience sardar pareshan hokar bola, bhai ye kaun sa sher hua? Manch walasarda bola, abe tu sher mat sun tu balancing ko dekh.

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Naik Kaam!Beta Maa se: Maa, aaj maine bahut naik kam kiya.

Maa: Kya kiya Beta?

Beta: Maine aaj ek andhi aurat ko road paar karaya.

Maa: Waah! Magar tumhe koi dikkat toh nahi hui.

Beta: Bahut dikkat hui maa. Woh aurat road hi nahi paar karna chah rahi thi!

No DiscSunny: Kal movie dekhi, usme na koi scene tha, na koi aawaz.

Bunny: Naam kya tha film ka.

Sunny: NO DISC

Machar ko mar dal!Malik alsi nokar se:- Yahan par itne sare machcher gun-gun kar rahen hai tu unhemaar gira.

Thodi der bad

Malik:- Abe sale nokar ke bachche maine tujhe machcher marne ko kaha abhi taktune mare nahi. Woh ab bhi gun-guna kar rahe hai

Alsi nokar:- Malik machcher toh maine maar diye. Yeh toh unki bibi hai jovidhva ho kar ro rahi hai.

I don't know...Ek aurat apne beta ko doctor ke pass le jaati hai aur bolti hai mera beta bike se girgaya.

Doctor: I dont know urdu. Tell me in english

Aurat: My londa gironda from hero honda.

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If he went to Hell...?A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was

physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though awhale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiteratedthat a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said,When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then youask him!

I am goingSanta: I am going ka matlab batao.

Banta: Main ja raha hoon.

Santa: Main nahi jane dunga, pehle matlab bata

Flash NewsFlash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardarshave so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

Sardar's WishSardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in hissleep not screamin like all the passengers in thecar he was driving..

Post it!Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U ThisPacket

Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

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It's rainingSardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It"s already raining. Sardar: So what? take an umbrella and go.

Murder & JailTeacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentenceinto future tense.

Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

RaceSardar- why r all these people running?

Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Sardar- If only the winner will get the cup, why rothers running?

PopulationA Teacher lecturing on population - In India afterEvery 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.

A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

George Bush & Sheeda

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when histelephone rang.Hallo, Mr. Bush!, a heavily accented voice said. This is Sheeda from Chuk no -3,District Gujrat, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are officiallydeclaring war on you!

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Well, Sheeda, Bush replied, This is indeed important news! How big is yourarmy?

Right now, said Sheeda, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, my cousinBasheera, my next door neighbor Karam Deen, and the entire kabaddi team fromthe village. That makes eight

Bush paused. I must tell you, Sheeda that I have one million men in my armywaiting to move on my command.

BLOODY Hell said Sheeda.l have to ring you back!Sure enough, the next day, Sheeda called again.Mr. Bush, it is Sheeda, I m calling from Chuk no-3 Gujrat, the war is still on!We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!

And what equipment would that be, Sheeda? Bush asked.

Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amjad's tractor.Bush sighed. I must tell you, Sheeda, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored

personnel carriers. Also, i have increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we lastspoke.Oh teri (oops) said Sheeda. I have to get back to you.Sure enough Sheeda rang again the next day. Mr. Bush, the war is still on! Wehave managed to get ourselves airborne Weve modified Amjad's tractor byadding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pinda's generator.Four boys from Sahiwal have joined us as well!Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Sheeda,that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex issurrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, ihave increased my army to TWO MILLION!

Tera pala hove .. said Sheeda, I have to ring you back.Sure enough, Sheeda called again the next day. Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you

that we have had to call off the war.I m sorry to hear that, said Bush. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, said Sheeda, we have all had a long chat over a couple of days and decidedthere is no way we can feed two million prisoners!!.

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IT CompanyA Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..

Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us

The doorAfter reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do havean... opening for you...! "

Applicant:

What is it?

Interviewer:

Its called the "door..!"

12 CardsGirl:Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?

Shopkeeper:

Oh sure..!! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"

Girl:

That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

Useful

Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannotanswer"

No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

Not our responsibility

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Employee:

Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS:

Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

BikerAn interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:

"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"