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P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang

Written by Jack Rosenthal

Adapted by Dave Humphreys

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Character List

1. Commentator (not seen)2. Alan Duckworth3. Mum (not seen)4. Workman 15. Workman 26. Pte Tommy Walker7. Miss Elizabeth Land8. George “Batham”9. Jamie “Jay” Hodgson10. Ann Lawton11. James Newham12. Gym T- Mr Lewis-Jones13. Headmaster14. French T- Madame Fischer15. Sarah Roberts16. Megan Jamieson17. Biology T- Mrs Johnson18. Boy 1- Phil19. Boy 2-Rob20. Boy 3- Nath21. Police Officer22. Mayor and wife (optional, could use audience member for representation of these

characters.)23. Extra boys: Laurence, Phil, Charlie, Rob, Steve C, Steve D, Quasimodo, Pete, Nath and

Dave.24. Extra Girls

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Scene 1- Dream Sequence/ Alan’s bedroom

Alan is in his bed asleep, under a blue quilt, when the commentary starts. Alan’s room is decorated with football boots, a Leicester City poster and a violin. Alan is tossing and turning in his bed.

Commentator: Good afternoon to you from the King Power Stadium, and it’s the final game of the 2015/2016 Premier League season, with Leicester City, who are on the verge of winning their first title, playing Chelsea. The referees are leading the players out of the tunnel now (Ann enters, walking towards Alan. His tossing and turning intensifies). The players have shook hands are taking their places. Vardy and Mahrez go to the centre spot awaiting the blow of the whistle from today’s referee, Craig Pawson. (Whistle blows and Ann exits) And we’re underway…

Mum: (From nowhere) Alan! Ten past eight! What are you doing up there! (Pause, waiting for an answer) Will you try eating this morning, Alan? Anything. A lightly boiled egg?

Alan: (to himself, and just calming himself down from his dream) Please God, let it be today. Somehow let it come true today.

Mum: (really trying) A few cornflakes wouldn’t hurt you…

Alan: I know Thursdays are difficult for you, what with the girls having double Biology while we’re on double P.E. But if just somehow. I don’t think I can last out another day.

Mum: (sarcastic) If I made you fresh air on toast, would you eat the toast?

Alan: And, in return, I promise… I hereby solemnly promise that I won’t even think about…try not to even think about… the “other” things. I didn’t all day yesterday, or last night when I got into bed, and I’m not now. I’m not, honest to God…God. (In a hurry, he takes his hands from beneath the bedclothes to prove it). Look- no hands. (Flops hands onto bed). And if I catch the school bus, I’ll stand. Then even when it bumps up and down it won’t start me off. It’s only when I’m sitting that it… Anyway, I’m too late for the school bus. I’ll have to run to school. (Getting ready for school in hurry and grabbing his bags and stuffing it with pencil case and books) It hardly never does it when I’m running. (Tears now fill his eyes) Please God. Today or tomorrow. Or early next week at the latest, weather permitting. Just one kiss. One’ll do. And I’ll never ask for anything again.

(Pause)

Mum: Alan, you’re going to be late… again.

Scene 2- Outside his house.

Alan emerges from his front door. Bag overloaded with books and gym kit. In his hands are his worn out trainers. He goes to close the door shut…

Mum: Have you got your towel for P.E.?

Alan: (annoyed) Yes Mum.

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Mum: And your white top and shorts?

Alan: (Frustrated) Mum. I’m fourteen!

So close to getting the door shut.

Mum: I bet you a pound to a penny you haven’t cleaned your trainers.

Alan looks at them and shakes his head to dismiss her last comment.

Mum: And, for God’s sake, work up an appetite! Force yourself! Eat something!

Alan slams the door. And starts walking off at a brisk pace. He then imagines himself on the pitch, waiting for a throw-in, calling to the imaginary player for the ball.

Comm.: Simpson then, collects the ball for a throw-in deep inside Chelsea’s half… he cleans the ball with his top. It is a miserable day here in Leicester, the rain is lashing down. Simpson prepares a long throw into the box, taking a few steps back. A lot of movement in the box, Vardy looks like he is open as he tries to lose his marker. Here we go… (Alan starts running)… here it comes. Vardy is free in the area… (Alan chests the imaginary ball)…here’s Vardy who controls it nicely with his chest… (And takes a swipe at it with his right foot- this causes him to have cramp)… he shoots! (With disappointment) And the Chelsea goalkeeper, Courtois, watches it fly into row Z…

He is about to carry on walking, but then stops. Two workmen are looking across, leaning on shovels, deadpan. Alan jerks and grabs his leg, exclaiming…

Alan: (towards the two workmen). It’s cramp! I’ve got cramp! Bloody hell fire… Jesus!

Alan continues stamping his foot up and down whilst trying to make progress at the same time.

Workman 1: Millions of pounds on education and for what? Little weeds like that one.

Workman 2: They don’t know how lucky they are in this day and age.

Alan stamps his foot over and over. He then looks down at the pavement in shock and disbelief at the pavement. A squashed spider. Out of its body run scores of very tiny spiders. He then looks at his watch, collects his things up as quickly as possible, trying to run. Whilst leaving, he is swearing to himself in some sort of pattern or rhythm (i.e. “Shit, fuck, fuck, shit”)

Scene 3- School grounds- the football pitch

Tommy, the caretaker in his late twenties/early thirties, is marking out the football pitch in front of the school. He looks a very worried man. From inside, the assembly can be heard, which finishes with the Lord’s Prayer. Alan can be seen running down towards the school; Tommy looks at his watch.

Alan: (excited) Hey, Tommy! Guess what!

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Tommy: One day you’ll break the school record and turn up at home-time.

Alan: I’ve just seen a miracle.

Tommy: I reckon you’re going to bloody need one.

Alan: (enthusiastically) I have, honest. Just now. I was witness to a phenomenon and-or miracle.

Tommy: How many times a week do you have to be late before you get a letter sent home about your punctuality?

Alan: Three.

Tommy: And what’s today make?

Alan: Four.

Tommy: How many times do you have to be late before you get expelled?

Alan: Five.

Alan starts running into school.

Alan: Are you feeling any happier this morning?

Tommy: Sod off!!

Tommy sighs, looks around, and carries on working.

Scene 4- Miss Land’s Classroom

The class is full (bar one) of 14 year olds who are silently reading. Ann Lawton, the girl of his dream, is seated in there. Miss Land, who is in her early thirties, is at her desk, on the computer. She appears to be as worried as Tommy was in the previous scene and replicates a similar gesture he had to show his worry. Alan tumbles into the room. Everyone immediately look at him. He is immediately embarrassed.

Alan: (mumbling) Sorry I’m late, Miss Land.

Ms Land: (stands and walks over to him and then…) Do you know what time school actually starts? (To rest of class and heading back to chair) Anyone who says “No, it’s always started by the time he gets here” sees the Headmaster at once. (Sits. Then, to Alan…). You’re seeing him at 12 o’clock.

Alan: Yes, Miss, thank you, Miss.

Ms Land: Silent reading. ‘Lord of the Flies’ page 102. Questions at the end of the lesson.

Alan makes his way to his chair. Two or three boys grin at him. Others continue reading. He sits very noisily and gets his book out. Miss Land stares for a moment, then returns to her computer. Alan glances towards Ann, but she doesn’t look back. Batham, Alan’s friend, looks across and half-raises his arm, a rickety salute.

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Batham: (Quietly and hoarsely) P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Alan: (replicating) P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Ms Land: (promptly). Who was that?

Silence. Innocent silence. She resumes reading and worrying.

Alan: P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Jay: P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Ms Land: (aggravated). Right! Who’s moaning and groaning?

There is silence… bar Batham who chuckles childishly at a connotation of the question.

Ms Land: (leaning over her desk, to intimidate). The next person who moans and groans will stand outside the door while thinking of an explanation for the Headmaster.

Everyone resumes reading. Jay then taps Alan on the shoulder.

Jay: (whispering, only just getting Ms Land’s joke). Wish I’d have thought of that.

Alan: Of what?

Jay: “He doesn’t know what time school starts, because it’s always started by the time he…”

Ms Land: Alan! Out!

Jay: (begging) Please, Miss, he’s only just got in.

Ms Land: And you! Outside the door, now! Such impudence and impertinence.

Alan and Jay, confused by Ms Land’s last remark, stand outside either side of the door. Alan can’t help but look back in, solely on Ann.

Ms Land: Since “Silent Reading” appears to be a contradiction in terms, we’ll now have Reading Aloud. Ann, you start. Back to page 102. (A moan from the class). Anyone else want to go and see the Headmaster? I’m sure he still has vacancies (Silence) Ann.

Ann is pleased with being chosen. She smiles shyly at one of the boys, James. He smiles, admiringly back. She begins reading. Alan, out in the corridor smiles, unconvincingly, as he listens to her. Ms Land catches his eye. Alan retreats.

Scene 5- Ms Land’s Classroom (sometime later)

The school bell rings. Lights come up on Ms Land who is sitting marking work. Tommy enters with bucket and mop. She notices him.

Ms Land: (awkwardly). Oh… hello. (Immediately starts marking, in an attempt to avoid him)

Tommy: Alright.

Pause. Tommy begins cleaning between desks.

Tommy: Thought I’d come and get it done as you don’t have a class for a while.

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Ms Land briefly smiles at him and continues marking. Tommy picks up his bucket and goes to leave. Turns to Ms Land.

Tommy: (sighs, nervously). Any news?

Ms Land: (stops for a moment, looks at him). Nothing.

Tommy: (heart-sinking). Nothing?

Ms Land: (re-iterating). Nothing

Pause

Tommy: (to question). Nothing?

Ms Land: (ranting). Dim. Nada. Niente. Nic Nie. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nothing!

Pause.

Tommy: Oh, hell.

Ms Land: (bitterly). Exactly. A living hell… thank you.

Tommy leaves like a guilty schoolboy.

Scene 6- The gym

Boys of Alan’s class, in P.E.kits, are queuing up to take their turn at the vault. One by one, they jump over the ‘horse’. The gym teacher, Mr Lewis-Jones, is beside the apparatus, supervising and calling “Next!” Alan, Batham and Jay are at the end of the queue, whispering to each other.

Batham: (incredulously, jealously). Inside?

Jay: Definitely.

Batham: With your hand?

Jay: (sarcastically) No, my elbow. Of course, with my hand.

Batham: She let you?

Jay: It was her idea!

Batham: Actually inside her bra? (Passionately now). Next to her heaving, naked, white flesh?

Jay: (suddenly not so confident). Near enough.

Batham: (suspiciously). What?

Jay: Definitely inside her blouse.

This is a terrible let-down. Batham groans accordingly.

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Jay: (hotly, defensively). Well, it’s more than you’ve ever got! (Feebly) Interior blouseness. (More feebly) Between her blouse and her bra. (Even more feebly) The real thing.

Pause. With Batham looking at him disgusted.

Batham: Sod off, Jay!

Jay: For God’s sake- she’s not completely shag-nasty! I only had to give her my protractor and compass! I could hardly expect-

Gym T: (calling) Talking, Jamie?

Jay: Er… no, sir, Coughing. (Then does so).

Gym T: You’re a lying toad. What are you?

Jay: A lying toad, sir.

Gym T: Of the…

Jay: (interrupting and knowingly). Of the highest degree.

Gym T: (softly). 10 laps around the gym, then, please...

Jay: (protesting). Oh, sir!

Gym T: (continuing) followed by 20 press ups if you will…

Jay: But…

Gym T: (Top of his voice) Go!

Jay begins his punishment.

Batham: (whispering to Alan). Still. Exterior brasseriosity is nearly bare white flesh, isn’t it? But for one sixteenth of an inch or something. It’s better than nothing.

A note is being delivered by a small boy in uniform who hands the gym teacher a note. The little boy then exits.

Alan: Did she let him kiss her as well?

Batham: (disgusted again). Kiss her?

Alan: I wouldn’t fancy kissing her. Osuclatory weediosity.

Batham: Kissing? He got as far as kissing her bloody weeks ago! On the fourth date!

Gym T: Alan! Headmaster wants to see you immediately in his study. Off you go!

Alan: (looks downwards and apprehensively). Can I just put my pants on, sir?

Gym T: Now!

Alan: Sir, I can’t be dressed like this. I look like a tw-

Gym T: Language! Now!

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Alan exchanges smiles with the others and goes out. Boys continue vaulting. Jay has only done 5 laps.

Gym T: Alright, Jamie. That’ll do.

Jay slowly comes back into the queue. The boys complete their final vault.

Scene 7- Headmaster’s study.

The Headmaster is making some notes upon Alan’s arrival. The Headmaster is in his late fifties/ early sixties; exhausted, but drily amused, by the disappointments of life and career. There’s a knock at the door.

Head: Come!

Alan enters in his P.E. kit and closes the door. He stands waiting. Headmaster pulls out the register.

Head: Alan Duckworth, is it?

Alan: Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

Head: (checking his register). Persistently late, four times.

Alan: Yes, sir.

Head: (checking again). Weren’t you given a detention for the first two?

Alan: Yes, sir.

Head: (disappointed, yet amazed). And were late for that as well…

Alan: (protesting, forgetting where he is and who he is speaking to). Only by two minutes, it was nothing… (Head gives him a look and Alan pipes down) sir.

Head: As you well know, I don’t like to dish out letter to parents with regards to punctuality.

Alan: No, sir.

Head: But as it is a recurring theme with you, I’m afraid I must.

Alan: Yes, sir.

Head: (getting frustrated). Anything else you’d like to say or can I get on, wasting my time, writing this letter to your parents?

Alan: Well… the reason today, sir, was I saw a miracle. A scientific miracle. I was-

Head: A lifetime in the teaching profession, laddie, has taught me that miracles are for weekends and holidays only. If you paid as much attention to these “miracles” as you did to getting to school on time, I’m sure life would be much easier for us both.

Alan: (strongly protesting). But sir, I am telling you the truth…

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Headmaster and Alan arguing back and forth in a mime mainly about Alan’s progress in school, with Alan desperately trying to persuade the Headmaster otherwise, giving all the excuses he can. (A suggestion maybe to make the action exaggerated, making it visually interesting, or this is the first, and possibly only, appearance).

Comm.: And its Edin Hazard bursts through Leicester’s defence and now only faces Schmeichel. And, with a flick of the boot, Hazard drives one towards the goal… And Schmeichel parries it away, but not out of danger yet. Chelsea have a corner and curl the ball in… And Ivanovic leaps above everyone to direct a powerful header towards the goal. But misses. Leicester have been lucky there…

Alan leaves the Headmaster’s office in a huff and a puff, angered by the Head’s words.

Headmaster: (ferociously). Come back here, I haven’t finished with you yet (Alan re-enters).

Comm.: Sorry, it seems there was a deflection, it’s another corner. Wishful thinking on my part and no doubt, Leicester’s. There’s one more to come. And Willian plays it dangerously into the box for a third time… It’s Ivanovic again. And this time it’s a goal! It was inevitable, Leicester were on the back foot and were never going to clear that one away. The Leicester players rolls their eyes up to the heavens in search, but little hope, of justice.

Head: Right! I have given you enough chances! You will spend the rest of this period in the Time Out Room, where I want an apology letter written to Ms Land with regards to your punctuality and give you some time to calm down.

Alan follows the Head to the Time Out room.

Scene 8- Canteen.

It is lunchtime, and the end of Alan’s time out room punishment. He enters grasping his hand from continuous writing. There are three tables, Ann and the girls on one table, Alan and his mates on another and James and his mates on the third. (Left to right in this order). He can barely grasp his fork.

Boy 1: What happened?

Alan: Letter home and time out room.

Boys take a sharp intake of breathe. Alan begins to farm out his food amongst his friends.

Boy 1: Can I have your pudding?

Alan: Its Batham’s turn for my pudding.

Boys 2: Don’t you ever die of mass starvation.

Alan looks across at her table; animated conversation around her. She looks up from her plate, looks across in Alan’s direction and then- Alan’s excited and incredulous belief- she coyly smiles.

Comm.: He’s in the open, he’s free. A pass would favour him now!

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He half smiles back and goes to wave, then with sudden suspicion, glances over his shoulder to see if it’s someone else she’s smiling at. His suspicions are correct.

Comm.: The ball has been passed beyond him, leaving him a little red-faced here.

She smiles and subtly waves at James. He does the same back to her. Alan freezes for a moment before trying to look as though he has been listening all that time.

Scene 9- Boys toilets.

There is some graffiti on the toilet door. Batham, Jay and Alan are seated playing pontoon.

Batham: Twist.

Alan hands him the nine of spades.

Alan: Nine.

Batham: Bust.

He throws his cards in.

Alan: Jay?

Jay: I said I’m sticking.

Alan shows his cards. Two tens.

Alan: Pay Twenty-ones.

Jay: (revealing King and ace). Pay me.

Batham: Jammy bugger.

Alan hands pack back to Jay, who begins shuffling cards.

Alan: Have you ever trodden on a big fat spider and seen millions of little spiders come running out?

The other boys freeze for a moment in disbelief at what Alan is talking about and then continue.

Jay: (handing cards to Batham). Cut.

Alan: Well, have you?

Jay: (taking cut pack and starting dealing) Have we what?

Alan: God, deafness incorporated! Have you ever burst a great bulbous spider- and thousands of miniature one come dashing out?

Jay: No.

Alan: What would think if you did? Twist.

Jay: (dealing card) Queen.

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Batham: That I’d be overdoing it and my mind had gone for a burton.

Jay: Are you sticking?

Alan: (slightly disturbed). Overdoing what?

Deadpan look towards Alan.

Batham: Well, what?

Alan: (self-conciously) Oh. (Pause) Um…no, twist.

Jay: (dealing card) Nine.

Alan: (suddenly). Overdoing it with a girl, you mean?

Batham: Not with a girl! If you had a girl you’d have no need to do it at all, would you?

Alan: (guiltily) Oh, that. (Pause). Overdoing it can make you think you’ve seen spiders, can it? Twist.

Batham: (bewildered). How can he twist! He’s already got-

Jay: Why? Have you been? (Deals card). King.

Alan: What- seeing them or overdoing it?

Batham snatches Alan’s cards, and turning them over announces…

Batham: (pissed off!) 48! He’s bust 27 times over!

Alan: I haven’t been doing either.

Batham: Fuck off, Quack-Quack! You’re getting on my nerves! (Calming and turning cards over). Pontoon.

Jay: Match null and void. Ungentlemanly play form Quack-Quack.

Batham: (frustrated) I had bloody pontoon!

Jay: (To Alan) Go on! Get lost! (Calls to the cubicle). Anyone in there fancy playing some pontoonicosity?

Voice: What are you playing for?

Jay: Any coppers that you have on you.

Voice: Hang on a sec.

Alan wanders out. They wait for him to leave.

Batham: (complaining). I never get pontoon.

Jay: There was a boy, I knew, who knew a bloke whose cousin did it with a Butlin’s redcoat in her chalet.

Batham: (very impressed). What- the lot?

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Jay: The whole hog. Completely bare.

Pause. Thinking enviously what it must be like. Then they start dealing, which is interrupted by…

Voice: Did he say what it was like?

Jay: He’s booked again for next year.

Scene 10- Classroom (break time)

The girls of Alan’s class are gathered, sitting on tables and chairs. Ann is there. On one of the tables is Sarah; she is holding a sheet of paper and pen.

Sarah: Next is Jay. How many for Jay?

Two of the girls stick their hands up, one immediately and the other more hesitant. Other girls giggle. Sarah notes the votes down.

Sarah: Next- Laurence. How many?

One girl puts her hand up. All of the other girls laugh their heads off. She notes it down.

Sarah: Next is… (She begins giggling to herself) James. James Newham?

All the girls raise their hands. They begin giggling enviously. Ann sits delighted with the result.

Scene 11- School grounds.

Children are sitting together talking, throwing tennis balls or kicking a ball between each other. Tommy- looking more worried than ever before- is mowing the football pitch. Alan is strolling alongside, talking with great enthusiasm about the dream of ‘achieving peace’. As he walks along, he is rolling a football under his foot.

Alan: … which means that, from now on, there’ll never be any more wars. Ever again. For the simple reason that United Nations will insist there’s no more wars! Any country who wants to invade another- well, hard cheese! The UN will vote against it.

Tommy hasn’t heard a word, he is preoccupied with his own troubles. Alan continues with the theme.

Alan: So, what you and all the other soldiers did… what you all did, with such courage and bravery, fighting the terrorists alongside USA in those foreign places, across the seas, in the air and on land, facing the foe in whatever theatre of human conflict (Trying to remember previous conversations) at…um… where was it?

Tommy: (automatically, still not listening). Fallujah, Baghdad, Mosul and the Battle of Karbala.

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Alan: Yeah, what you did in (struggling to repeat the names) Fallujah, Baghdad, Mosul and the Battle of Karbala. What you did was not just defeat Hussein’s Iraqi regime and Al-Qaeda’s… Al-Qaeda. I mean let’s face it. You changed the future of the world!

Alan has come in a bit too close to Tommy’s mower.

Tommy: You’re in my way a bit.

Alan moves to the side.

Alan: Sorry. Apologydom commensurate. (Glances at Tommy. Finally becoming aware of his mood.) Is it still worrying you?

Tommy: (urgently). What?

Alan: Well, I don’t know… whatever’s been worrying you.

Tommy: I’ll survive.

Pause.

Alan: (trying to work it out). Is it the fact that Tottenham could beat Leicester City to the Premier league title?

Tommy: Mmm? No, no. It’s nothing. Nothing to worry about.

Out of the bushes, a boy and a girl (slightly older). They cross Alan and Tommy looking embarrassed and guilty. As they go, fiddling with their clothes. The boy half smiles at Alan.

Boy 3: (half-raising his arm). P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Alan: (reflexively; a little bemused) P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

The boy heads the other boys and the girl heads off to the girls. Alan, again, on the brink of tears. A pause.

Alan: Bet you a million pounds, he’s been trying to kiss her.

Tommy: (looking stunned) ‘Kiss’ her?

Alan: A million pounds.

Tommy pulls out a cigarette packet and searches for a lighter.

Tommy: Have you got a girl-friend?

Alan: I’ve got red hands.

Tommy: (blankly). Eh?

The words begin to tumble out, with a sad matter-of-factness, devoid of self-pity.

Alan: The skins very red and thin, like transparent, with chewed-up nails… I hate my hands. And my neck- that’s thin as well. And my feet sweat. And my hands. That’s probably why they’re always red. My face goes red a lot as well. Not blushing, I don’t think. I don’t blush. I

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just sometimes go red. It’s only a phase. (Pause) Bums. Bums are nothing really. Everyone’s got a bum. Always have had. They’re nothing to be ashamed of. Dicks aren’t either. Everyone’s got a dick. It’s only the human torso. Tits included. They’re just for feeding babies with, deep down. Not for bouncing about. The same goes for getting a feeling and dry rubs when you’re snogging. A kiss is…

He peters into silence, now fighting back the tears. A pause. Tommy smiles at him, sadly. School bell rings. Other students exit. Tommy and Alan left alone on stage.

Tommy: (gently). Girls like it as well you know.

Alan: Like what?

Tommy: What boys like. (Then bitterly). Some of them bloody love it!

A pause, giving time for Alan to work what he is on about.

Alan: I’m not talking about French girls.

Tommy: (baffled). I’m not.

Alan: Anyway, I don’t bother, myself. As long as I’ve got my football and Leicester win the Premier league, I’ll be…happy. Best get back.

Alan runs back to class.

Scene 12- Classroom. (Minutes before lesson begins)

The girls are positioned as seen before, but this time secretly giggling amongst themselves, whilst the boys are lounging about their own desk. Sarah gets up on a chair as Alan enters, getting people’s attention and announcing…

Sarah: Attention, please, males of the species... and Batham! (Noise reduces) May I have bags of hush, please! (She gets the piece of paper out). Thank you. We, the girls of year 9, have voted on who is the dishiest boy in the class.

Batham cranes his head downwards to attempt to look up Sarah’s skirt.

Batham: Green ones in the wash, Sarah?

Sarah: Shut your face, pig-features!

Batham: (to Jay). “Pig-features”. I assume I didn’t get her vote then (Then snorts like a pig).

Sarah: Look belt up everybody, it’s nearly half-past. (They quieten down again). The votes for each boy is as follows: ‘Fittest-boy-in-the-class-contest’…

Batham: (sarcastically). Catchy title.

Sarah: First place, with eight votes… (Batham and Jay drum roll on the table) James!!

James shrugs off catcalls of other boys, good naturedly and a little embarrassed. Then, exchanges a smile with Ann.

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Sarah: (reactions from everyone for each result). In second place, Phil, four votes. Third equals- Charlie, Rob, Steve C and Steve D- three votes. Fourth, Jay, two votes. (Jay raises his hands in the air like a champion, only getting a reaction off Batham). Fifth equals- Quasimodo, Laurence, Pete, Nath and Dave- one vote. And at the bottom of the pile- Batham (Massive burst of laughter from everyone, Batham’s reaction says it all). No votes!

Alan just stands watching, like a rabbit in headlights. The bell rings for beginning of the lesson. Hubbub dies down as everyone scrambles for their seats, in which time Sarah drops the piece of paper. They all get their books and textbooks out in preparation for the lesson. Alan still standing and then…

Alan: (almost inaudibly). How many did I get? (Then to Megan, the nearest girl). Meg, how many did I get?

Megan: What?

Alan: No, I was just saying.

Megan just stares for a moment.

Megan: Oh, shit!

She turns to Sarah, as the French Teacher enters. Everyone else looks academically prepared.

Megan: (whispering). Oi! We forgot to vote for Quack-Quack!

Sarah: What? (Then looking at Alan, realises). Oh, sorry, Quack-Quack. We didn’t have you down, sor-

French T: “Monsieur et Madame Desgranges”. Book four. “Les Vacances de Moniseuret Madame Desgranges au Bord de la Mer”.

Alan is struggling with his tears again, and cannot see a word of the book. Looks at Ann, then James to see they are both immersed in their books. As the French T paces up and down the classroom, he/she notices the piece of paper, picks it up, takes a look and puts it in his pocket.

Comm.: Well, football can be a cruel game. It seems now that Leicester are faced with an impossible task. 1-0 down and playing like a bunch of schoolgirls. It’s enough to make strong men weep. However, it’s a funny old game. It’s been said before and, no doubt, will again…

Scene 13- Headmaster’s study.

The Head at his seat and Ms Land seated opposite.

Comm.: …that a game is never lost until it’s won. We shall see.

Ms Land: (worriedly). I’m sorry, sir. I can’t do drama. Not this term.

Head: The school play is hardly drama, Beth. Three evenings of rehearsals a week for three weeks… I’ve had it all marked up on graph paper with the dates and everything…

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Ms Land: I’m sorry, sir… I’m… well, I’ve things on my mind at the moment… And please, don’t call me Beth. If you’re going to address me by my first name, it is Elizabeth, please.

Head: (smiles, annoyingly). Aren’t we forgetting something…Beth?

Ms Land: (warily). Are we?

Head: You can’t learn to play the game of rugby till you’ve learnt to play the game of life.

Ms Land: I’m not taking rugby as well? Drama, I can cope with but-

Head: (Blankly). It’s a saying.

Ms Land: (Awkwardly). Ah, I see.

Headmaster picks up four copies of the play from his desk.

Head: (indicating). ‘The Tables Turned’, a play in one act, suitable for schools, by P.J. Latimer, M.A. Oxon. A cast of two boys and one girl, and we can use the same scene from last year’s (trying to find the word) triumph.

Ms Land: (firmly). It’s just that these next few weeks until the end of the term are a bit… I’d be grateful, sir, if someone else could…

Head: (smiling, James Bond like). Seems silly calling me sir, when there’s no one else in the room.

Ms Land: (uncomfortably). Please, sir.

Head: (puts his hands on her shoulders). I never see you these days, Beth.

Ms Land: (brushing his hands off her and standing face to face with him). Those days are over. These days aren’t those days. I was weak then, didn’t know what I wanted, now I am a stronger. That was a long time ago. Forget it.

Head: I suppose you’re with some young man now, eh?

Ms Land: (troubled). I thought we agreed to draw a veil over those times and move on. We must be realistic.

A silence to remember the past.

Head: Ah well… one man’s victory, another man’s defeat. (Wry smile).

Another silence.

Head: (approaching her). Those days kept me young. These days all I get is older. Sometimes in morning assembly, a rendition of ‘Adele’ by one of the Year 7s sends me asleep.

Ms Land: (jokingly). I don’t think it’s that bad.

Head: No it’s not. Even if I say so myself, I quite like ‘Adele’. (Pause, indicating to the copies of the play). Will you?

Ms Land sighs, defeated, and relieves him of the books.

18

Ms Land: Well, I can’t guarantee it’ll be anything like last…

Head: Thank you, Beth.

Ms Land: You’re welcome… sir.

She exits.

Head: (to himself). Fine woman… fine woman.

Scene 14- Classroom. (Home time)

Girls are stuffing their homework and belongings in their bags. Sarah is standing in her usual spot ready for the usual routine. This is how it goes: Sarah stands up against the wall whilst the boys of the class queue up. One by one, they press against Sarah for a moment with complete absence of passion, then wanders from the room to go home. As each boy presses against her, Sarah- automatically and unconvincingly- complains: ‘Honestly, you’re terrible!’, ‘You boys, really!’, ‘A girl just isn’t safe!’, ‘I’m disgusted with you, I truly am!’. It’s Alan’s turn and in “mid-press”, he spies Ann and James outside, talking to each other. This causes something to stir.

Sarah: Hey! You can quit that for a kick off! Dirty sod!

Alan: (Preoccupied with Ann). Mmmm?

Sarah: Right! You’ve had your turn! Sod off, Quack-Quack!

Alan: (glances down, realising what has happened). Oh. Sorry, Sarah.

He joins Batham by the door, waiting for Jay to have his press. He then joins them at the door and head off home.

Scene 15- Leaving the school grounds

Ms Land is standing on the yard, on home time duty, watching the kids leave the school property. Batham, Jay and Alan are playing with a tennis ball in numerous way. Alan, is missing it a lot though as he has his eyes on Ann and James who are walking just ahead of them. Once they have exited the stage, Tommy enters. Ms Land notices him. He goes to her. She shakes her head bitterly, his face falls.

Tommy: Still?

Ms Land: (Uneasily). We can be seen!

Tommy: Still nothing?

Ms Land: (Her eyes fill up) Oh, for God’s sake!

Tommy: (reassuring). Is there anything I can do?

19

Ms Land: I think you’ve done enough already, don’t you?

She exits, wiping her tears away. He stands at a loss.

Scene 16- On the streets (some time later).

Ann and James have stopped on a corner. They are chatting for a while before waving bye to each other and heading off in other directions. Alan, Batham and Jay wander into view; Alan keeping his eye on Ann.

Alan: … because what he did, in Fallujah, Baghdad, Mosul and the Battle of Karbala, was change the future of mankind. On those far-off shores and foreign climes, with his courage and heroism above and beyond the call of-

They’ve reached the corner. Alan starts off- with attempted nonchalance- in the same direction as Ann. She is exiting

Alan: Anyway, see you tomorrow lads.

Batham: (puzzled and pointing in the direction they all usually go home). Where are you going? Home is this way.

Alan: Gotta drop something off for my dad. Paternal jobosity.

Jay: Where?

Alan: Palmerston Avenue way…

Batham: Well, don’t walk too fast. You’ll catch Smelly Lawton up.

Alan: (confused). Smelly Lawton?

Batham nods in the way that Ann has exited off stage. Alan follows his glance- and fakes surprise on seeing her.

Alan: Hell! Wouldn’t go anywhere near her, don’t worry about that lads! See you tomorrow.

Jay: You not coming to the cinema tonight?

Alan: (pats his bag). Homework. I’ve got that Biology essay on stem cells to do for tomorrow’s lesson. (He salutes to the boys). P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Batham and Jay: P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Batham and Jay exit one way, Alan exits same way as Ann did.

20

Scene 17- Palmerston Avenue (The streets where Ann lives)

Alan is trailing a safe distance behind a slow walking Ann. As they get closer to Ann’s house he gets nearer and nearer. During this, we hear…

Comm.: With Vardy injured, he won’t be able to take this penalty. Leicester City are forced into making a substitute. It’s certainly not going to their script here… (He gasps) And, I don’t believe it! It’s unbelievable. The crowd here at the King Power have fallen silent and are flabbergasted. Making his way on to the pitch, and in doing so making his professional debut, is a schoolboy. It’s unheard of. Who could he be? Well, his name, apparently is Alan Duckworth. He’s fourteen years old and he’s known to his friends as Quack-Quack. Can this callow youth save the day for Leicester? Can this fourteen year old footballer make a schoolboy dream come true? Can this young warrior- striding out, stiffening his slender neck- can he change the course of Destiny? Well, now’s his big chance…

Ann turns towards her door, looking at her phone. She goes up to the door and begins searching for her keys. She then looks in Alan’s direction as she puts the key in the door. Alan drops to the floor, pretending to tie his shoe lace. She enters and closes the door.

Comm.: And Duckworth’s courage fails him. And everyone knows it.

Alan stands, looking at Ann’s house. His eyes fill up with tears and he begins the long walk home. There is also a strong feeling of self-anger.

Comm.: And Duckworth, head hanging, looks as though he’s trying to pretend he’s not even there. He’s a bit of a lolloper, this boy. He lollops. And he turns back towards the bench. Has he given up already? Or is he going to change boots? Either way, he appears just a little annoyed with himself, just a little frustrated.

Scene 18- Outside his house.

Alan enters as he was; eyes flied to the brim with tears and the self-anger even stronger now, kicking stones ferociously, and dragging his bag along the floor. He slaps his forehead, now and again. The two workmen, are present, looking at him deadpan. He goes up to his front door, now continuously slapping himself. He gets to the door, and bangs his head three times on it. He then does a little body shake to calm himself down, enters and announces…

Alan: I’ve arrived, and to prove it I’m here.

Alan slams the door shut, not entirely covering up his anger. The two workmen just look at the door for a long time. Then-

Workman 1: I blame the parents.

21

Scene 19- Alan's bedroom

Alan is in his bed; left hand on top of the quilt, right hand under it.

Alan: (speaking to God again). I followed her down her street for You. I thought that I might have given you a good opportunity. But it was not to be so. So, please God, let it be tomorrow, if poss. Or the day after. Or, at the latest, before the end of term. I’ll never last the summer holidays without kissing her. Kissing her. Kissing her. On her lips. Ann’s lips. Kissing her lips. Kissing her lips. Kissing her. Please help me. If you could just see your way to taking some of the red out of my hands and thicken my neck out and stop my feet from ponging and let me kiss Ann’s lips. And, please let Tommy cheer up and not be so depressed and let Leicester City win the Premier League and let the spider that I split in half be all right and, please, let me stop crying all the time. (About to go to sleep). I wouldn’t if You’d just let me kiss her. I’d never cry again. (Now, taking his right hand from underneath the covers and saluting to God, he wears a boxing glove). P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

Scene 20- Inside Tommy’s shed in the school grounds (Night)

In darkness to begin.

Tommy: Well say something!

Ms Land: There’s nothing left to say, is there?

The lights come up, faintly, and we see Tommy and Ms Land seated opposite each other in a confined space. An atmosphere of leaden gloom.

Tommy: No, I suppose not.

Ms Land: No! There isn’t!

Tommy: I mean, fair’s fair, marriage is out of the question, isn’t it

Ms Land: (bitterly). Thank you! So much for the Age of Chivalry!

Tommy: (bluntly). I mean you’d get the sack!

Ms Land: I know what you mean, thank you! (Pause). I don’t even like you.

Tommy: I know. (Flatly). You give me the screaming heebie-jeebies.

Ms Land: We’re not each other’s type.

Tommy: No, I know.

Helpless silence.

Tommy: (attempting to brighten the mood). Up the creek without a paddle (then a little chuckle).

Ms Land starts crying quietly.

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Tommy: (trying to comfort). Maybe it’s just the weather… (Ms Land’s crying grows. Tommy now speaking louder over her crying.). Sometimes the weather makes women… or the worry…

Ms Land: How can it be the worry? I wouldn’t have the worry if it wasn’t for the worry.

Tommy: (confused by her line). No, I suppose not. Has it ever been like this before?

Ms Land: You know it hasn’t!

Tommy: (sternly). Before me, Elizabeth.

Ms Land: (staring at him, appalled and insulted). What are you suggesting?

Tommy: Well, fair’s fair, I wasn’t the first, was I?

Ms Land: Virtually…

Tommy: Was I?

Ms Land: Well… there was one whilst you were away fighting. A respectable married man. Not young. A… a professional man… academically. He was the only one before you. (Tommy understands, a pause). Apart from a few times with an American Sergeant from 101st Airborne division, who I met up with when he was on leave from Iraq.

Tommy: (shocked!!). Americans!

Ms Land: (guiltily). One! One American! … Virtually.

Tommy: Old blokes and Yanks! Bloody old two-faced fogeys and randy Yanks! While me and my comrades were spilling blood and guts. We were there to serve and protect. I didn’t go out there so you could have flings with someone who could be your grandfather and some bugger from across the pond!

A stillness.

Ms Land: (calmly and quietly). It seemed a good idea at the time. I thought it might lead to… something. I couldn’t read the future, could I? I didn’t know one day I was going to be stuck with you!

A pause.

Tommy: And were you… was it ever this late with them?

Ms Land: It can’t have been, can it, Tommy? Otherwise I definitely wouldn’t be stuck here with you…!

23

Scene 21- Staffroom- (next day).

Ms Land is seated alone in the staffroom, with a copy of ‘The Tables Turned’. She looks worried, as she now has to worry about the play and her personal problems. The French T then enters, with the crumpled paper, and a pack of cigarettes. He/she looks across to Ms Land.

French T: Beth…

Ms Land: (under her voice). It’s Elizabeth.

French T: Were you aware that James Newham is the matinee idol of 9E?

Ms Land: Sorry?

French T: (handing over the list). I assume that ‘fittest’ means the best student in the class?

Ms Land: I don’t think you could be more wrong if you tried. (Taking the list). Thank you.

French T: Oh, right. I’m off out for a cigarette (pulling out a cigarette pack).

He/she leaves. Ms Land looks at the list, thoughtfully.

Scene 22- Football pitch.

Sitting on his toolbox, he is nibbling at his sandwiches. Alan is pacing up and down, talking about the war… again.

Alan: (enthusiastically)… because by ensuring victory over Hussein and his Iraqi regime, what you’ve done is A) ensure all peace for mankind full stop, B) make all men brother irrespective of race, colour or whatsit- doofer- creed. And C) bring peace to a country miles away- so that, from now on, there’ll never again be poverty, disease and hunger- and everyone will live a normal life.

Tommy: (baffled). You don’t watch the news much, do you?

Alan: I watch the sports section. Why?

Tommy: (sighs). Doesn’t matter.

He tries to eat his sandwiches, but he just drops them back into his lunch box.

Tommy: Christ! I can’t eat. Won’t go down. As bad as you.

Alan: (concerned). What’s wrong?

Tommy: Well-

Alan: (looking at his watch). Fuck a duck! I’m late!

Tommy: (jerking a guilty look at him). Who? (Alan runs off towards the school building). Oh… for lessons…

24

Looks at his sandwiches again, puts his head in his hands.

Scene 23- Fields near the school

Alan’s class are led by the Biology teacher, to underneath a beech tree. They’re all examining the leaves of the tree that have fallen, and are drawing copies of them into their exercise books. Alan is just staring at Ann, in a world of his own. From his point of view, she is the most beautiful creature on the planet, her face and hair are bathed in the shimmering light, which is breaking through the branches.

Biology T: (holding a leaf)…which, unlike the oak leaf, is ovate-elliptic than triangular, although acute at the apex… Notice the straight lateral nerves are slightly-toothed. They appear in early May as the tree begins to flower … And here it’s similar to the oak in that the flowers are unisexual, the females in clusters on their stalks, the males are globular and pendulous… Alan!

He’s too spell bound to hear.

Biology T: Alan!

He turns.

Biology T: Well?

Alan: I didn’t hear the question, Miss.

Biology T: I didn’t ask you one.

Alan: Oh.

Batham: (whispering to Jay). Which accounts for him not hearing one. Logicosity incarcerate.

Biology T: (To Alan). You’re daydreaming again. The whole point of this lesson is so that you are prepared for your future examinations on the Nature module.

Alan: Yes, Miss.

Biology T: And daydreaming isn’t studying Nature, is it?

On the contrary, since Ann is both the subject of his daydreaming and the Nature specimen being studied, Alan thinks it is.

Biology T: Is it?

Alan: No… no, Miss.

Scene 24- The Classroom (just before an English lesson).

25

Tommy is in there finishing off cleaning the desks, which were covered in pen, Ms Land enters, and is taken back by his presence.

Ms Land: What are you doing in here? I have a lesson in here now.

Tommy: (innocently). I was just cleaning the tables…covered in pen.

Ms Land: Right, well, you will need to leave, thank you.

Tommy: (going to exit and apologetic). Elizabeth, I’m really sorry about the other ni-

Ms Land just stares at him. At this point, the class enters. Tommy and Ms Land hold their stare, until the last student, Alan enters.

Alan: Hi Tommy.

Tommy breaks from his spell, smiles at Alan and leaves. Ms Land is now beside herself with worry.

Ms Land: Afternoon everyone, we will continue from our lesson before lunch. So, if you turn to page 204 of ‘Lord of the Flies’ (Clears her throat). About halfway down the page, “The darkness, save for the useless oblong of stars, was blanket-thick.” While not a simile, of course, nor in the strict sense even a metaphor, is the nevertheless an example of William Golding’s consistent use of…

She loses concentration and peters into silence. A pause. One by one, the students lift their heads to look at Ms Land. She continues to stare into a blank space. One or two of the children begin nudging and chuckling. She resurfaces to a jolt and realising what has just happened.

Ms Land: Um…as I was saying… (Looking puzzled)Um… what was I saying?

James: About it not being a metaphor, Miss.

Ms Land: Exactly James. (Dubious pause). Um… about what not being a metaphor?

James: William Golding’s imagery, Miss.

Ms Land: (enthusiastically). Well done! Thank goodness someone in the class is paying attention. (Rest of class react). Come here a minute, James.

He goes to her and she hands a copy of ‘The Tables Turned’.

Ms Land: I’m very pleased with you. Instead of giving you a star, I’m going to make you one…

James: (unconvincingly). Oh, great. Go on?

Scene 25- Countryside- for a cross country

The voice of the Gym T can be heard shouting students to hurry up to get changed and to get running immediately. The audience see James leading the pack of runners, with some

26

just keeping up with him, others looking more worn out. They all come in and out of the same entrances and exits. Right at the back are Alan, Batham and Jay who walking the cross country and have gone under the radar of the Gym T who has gone ahead with the main pack. Throughout the scene, James loses the pack and begins running up front on his own.

Alan: … I’ll tell you something- the future industry of the future will be the throwing of university mortarboards…

Batham: (to Jay). Where was she standing?

Jay: Outside BHS.

Alan: For the simple reason that, from now on, everyone in the world will go to university…

Batham: How do you know she was one of them?

Jay: You could tell.

Batham: Was she blonde with a slit up the side of her skirt?

Jay: They don’t all have slits up their skirts, y’know!

Alan: You see, now that the Iraq war is over-

Batham: Well, they don’t carry a placard saying ‘Hello, boys, short time- a tenner’!

Jay: No one ever said they did!

Alan: - we now have to win the peace in…the whatsit…the aftermath.

Batham: Well, how could you tell then!

Jay: She had a chain around her ankle!

Alan: (astounded). The cleaner in school wears a chain round her ankle!

Jay: Well, she’s one then.

Alan: Get lost- she’s a bloody cleaner!

Jay: During the day, yes. She probably just does part time. In the evenings. Some of them just do part-time. The nymphomaniacs.

They walk on, through their shortcut. Now a little troubled by the subject.

Batham: Is that what they charge? A tenner?

Alan: It was you that said a tenner.

Batham: I know, but I’m not all that-

Jay: Some do. Some charge eighteen. The blondes.

Batham: For the lot?

27

Jay: The whole hog. Everything. Completely bare. (Pause). They won’t kiss, though. That’s an unwritten rule.

Alan: (stops dead). They won’t kiss?

Jay: Unheard of.

Alan: Why?

Jay: Never do. They only kiss their ponces. They won’t kiss ordinary fellas.

Batham: Even when they’re… y’know… doing it?

Jay: It’s their way of stating its not true love or anything.

Alan: (suddenly, passionate). That’s my whole point!

The others stare at him, puzzled. A pause.

Batham: What point?

Alan: (backtracking, defensively). No… I mean… it’s understandable.

Jay: It’s bloody crackers. Who wants to kiss them anyway?

Batham: (enthusiastically). Better things to do than kiss them!

Jay: (just as enthusiastic). Definitely!

They have now reached a crossroads. Now running towards them is James, miles ahead of the field. Batham, Alan and Jay step out from their short cut and join him, just behind the near-collapsing James. In the voice of nasally commentators, they deliver their lines.

Batham: And leading the way… is a goon

Jay: I can concur with you there… a goon leads the way.

Alan: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s the goon that is James.

James throws a dirty look, they fall behind him into second place.

Batham: Anyway, Grandmas are for kissing.

Jay: Kissing like’s shaking hands.

Alan: No one said it wasn’t.

Scene 26- Corridor and Classroom (home time routine).

28

There is also a corridor scene which will be mimed, so that the audience can see the inevitable. Students are grabbing their bags, books and other belongings and heading home. James and Ann leave first from the classroom into the corridor followed by the girls of 9E (with the exception of Sarah). The depressed Ms Land, fights her way to her classroom through the mob, where she spots Ann and James where it suddenly clicks. She calls for Ann. Ann turns round guiltily, assuming she wants a word about her and James. Ms Land walks over and hands a copy of ‘The Tables Turned’ to Ann. She jumps up and down with joy. James and Ann embrace with delight and exit. Ms land then continues to her classroom.

Upon entering, she sees Alan having his press against Sarah as part of the home time routine. This will have been happening whilst the other scene takes place.

Ms Land: (Aghast). Alan Duckworth!

Everyone turns and freezes.

Ms Land: What the hell are you doing?

Alan: Um… nothing Miss.

Ms Land: All of you- out!

Sarah: (innocently). Please, Miss, I was just getting my homework, and suddenly, out of nowhere, they all-

Ms Land: Out! All of you! Filth! Beasts of the Fields! Get out!

They all scramble for the door.

Ms Land: (To Alan, grabbing him by the shoulder). Not you, Beast of the Field.

Alan turns around, and stands by her desk, while the room clears. She goes to her desk, slowly, and sits. She fixes him with hostile, disgusted eyes for a long moment. He swallows. The look continues. He glances away, then at his shoes and then back at Ms Land. The look continues… Then finally-

Ms Land: I’m not pleased with, Alan.

Alan: No, Miss.

Ms Land: (delivery speeds up). You’re never here when schools starts. When you are here, you’re in a trance. When you’re not in a trance, you’re moaning and groaning. When you’re not moaning and groaning, you’re behaving like a… like a beast of the field. You’re a weed, a mess and a lolloper. (A pause, to slow delivery right down). You lollop.

Alan: Yes, Miss.

Ms Land: Our soldiers don’t fight for you to lollop, do they?

Alan: No, Miss.

Ms Land: Well, it’s time you pulled your socks up.

29

Alan: Yes, Miss.

Ms Land: I’m therefore selecting you to be in the school play. (Hands him a copy of ‘The Tables Turned’). Your part is Antoine, a philanderer, a womaniser, a Lothario, a stud, a... well you get the picture. (Little chuckle to herself)

A pause, as Alan is taken back by the offer.

Alan: (utterly bemused). Pardon?

Ms Land: Your mouth is open. Close it. (He does so). Rehearsal every Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school…

Alan: Miss! I can’t act!

Ms Land: Four till five in the main hall.

Alan: I can’t act!

Ms Land: Of course you can act, anyone can act, and it’s a piece of cake. Acting is pretending, Alan. Surely you can pretend. You must pretend to be a human being at home, don’t you? Or are you just a full time lolloper?

Alan: (desperately). Miss! Honest to God, I can’t stand in front of –

Ms Land: Your fellow thespians are James Newham and Ann Lawton.

Ms Land’s attention is diverted by the appearance of Tommy’s worried face in the doorway. He looks questioningly, she looks back and just shakes her head. He sighs and goes on his way. She keeps her focus on the doorway, with Alan repetitively trying to get her attention, repeating “Miss?” or Miss Land?” She sighs deeply and turns her attention back.

Alan: Miss?

Ms Land: What?

Alan: Did you say Ann Lawton? In the play?

Ms Land: Ann Lawton and James Newham.

Alan: Three times a week after school? Just Ann Lawton and me? (daydreams, then adding to cover up). And James?

Ms Land: (deadpan and fed up). You’re going into a trance again, Alan, get out.

Alan picks up his bag and whips on to his shoulders. He takes the book and holds it close to his chest. He then stops at the doorway and pulls up his socks.

Ms Land: I thought I told you to get out?

Alan: Yes, but before that you told me it’s time I pulled my-

Ms Land picks up a board pen as if to throw it at him whilst screaming

Ms Land: Out!

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He rushes out and she drops the pen and takes a deep breath to calm herself down.

Scene 27- Football pitch by canal.

Alan, Batham, Jay and some other boys meet up. Using school bags they create goal posts and start playing ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ to see who goes in goal. Once that is decided they begin having a kick about. Batham and Jay are on their phones, showing each other funny videos and other amusing things. At one moment, Alan points to his bag, and Jay gets out the copy of ‘The Tables Turned’ and begins reading it to himself. Whilst all of this is going on, the commentator is speaking, explaining how Alan’s situation is changing but in footballing terms.

Comm.: So Duckworth’s in with a chance. The gods are smiling, the sun’s shining, Quack-Quack’s match can now really begin. With cheers of the crowd ringing in his ears, he makes his way out on to the pitch to try to get Leicester City back in the game. To try to achieve the impossible and unbelievable.

Alan gets the ball and places it down on the “spot”. He steps back and enacts on what the commentator is describing.

Comm.: And all of the King Power has gone silent. Duckworth has another chance to get Leicester back into this game, with the second penalty of this match. (Referee whistle blows)And Quack-Quack races towards the ball, all fire and fury… shoots… And Duckworth hooks it heaven-high – a mighty, scything blow- clean out of the ground. The crowd are very disappointed now.

Alan has in fact skied the ball out of sight. Alan just shakes his head and looks at the ground. The other boys moan and groan at him.

Boy 1: You gormless bugger!

Boy 2: It’s in the bloody canal’ you berk!

Boy 3: The goal isn’t that big you daft dick!

Alan: Come on lads, must be something wrong with me trainers or the ball. I know I hit that sweetly as I could.

Boy 3: Yeah right! Sit down, we’ll go and look for it. Come on boys.

They all troop off angrily to search for the ball. Alan, not arsed, sits with Batham and Jay. Jay is still reading.

Jay: (without looking away from the book). We’ll have to move that canal.

Alan: Decent shot, though, wasn’t it? On the laces of the boots, with such precision. With shooting like mine, I’ll be playing for Leicester City in no time…

Batham: More like Leicester Tigers Alan. That was sky high.

31

Alan: Shut up! Give me a proper pair of boots and I’ll be scoring like Jamie Vardy in no time. Add that with beautiful footwork I did be-

Jay: (changing subject and abruptly, blankly, still reading). You’ve to kiss her!

Alan: (blankly). What?

Jay: (looking up at Alan now with a twisted face and both boys making kissing noises childishly). You’ve to bloody kiss her!

Alan: Who?

Jay: (stands, begins parading whilst reading). ‘Antoine dismisses Rowlands with a confident smile. Antoine: (puts on stupid voice) “Never again will I tread that path. I’ve seen the light, Rowlands. The light of truth in what’s happened. And the light of love in your fiancées eyes. Love for me!” (Back into his own voice) He strides towards Lady Daphne, takes her into her arms and… and… kisses her’ (He looks at Alan). Ann Lawton’s playing Lady Daphne, is she?

Alan just stares.

Jay: Well… you’ve to bloody kiss her!!

Alan swallows. This is it! His best chance!

Alan: (with attempted disinterest). Have I?

Batham: (utterly disgusted, reading the same passage). ‘…takes her into his arms and kisses her. Antoine: “And with that kiss you are mine- and I no longer a philanderer” Curtain.’ Uuuggghhh! Not with Smelly Lawton…!

Alan: They can’t make me.

Jay: It is in black and white!

Alan: (with attempted resignation). Just my sodding luck…

Boy 1: Found it!

Alan: Come on then, hurry up!

The boys return with the ball and takes their positions in readiness. Alan turns to Jay.

Alan: I’ll get one hundred goals tonight, you watch! How many am I on now?

Jay: (counting his fingers and then revealing sarcastically). None.

Alan: (not so confidently). Well… maybe fifty.

He runs over to the others and Boy 1 rolls it out.

Comm.: And Duckworth, tying his shoes laces sharply, means business. Courtois rolls it out and play gets underway again.

32

Scene 28- Alan’s bedroom- night.

Alan is in bed, reading aloud the particular part of the play. Filling himself with joy.

Alan: ‘I’ve seen the light, Rowlands. The light of truth in what’s happened. And the light of love in your fiancée’s eyes. Love for me! (He swallows). ‘Antoine strides towards Lady Daphne, takes her into his arms and… (Just sighs happily and drops the book). Oh, God. Oh, God! He takes her into his arms and- (Pause). I need food!

Scene 29- Fish and chip shop.

Alan sprints into the fish and chip shop. Ray, the proprietor, is surprised by his entrance.

Alan: Is anything ready- or is it still cooking- whatsit- frying…

Ray: By hell, I must be dreaming. The wanderer returns! I thought you must’ve gone into hibernation or something…

Alan: No, Ray, don’t be silly… can I have three fish and-

Ray: I thought either thought that or he’s emigrated. I said to myself, ‘It’s not normal’ I said. ‘I haven’t seen him all these weeks without-

Alan: (interrupting and loudly). Three fish and three lots of chips, please. Salt and vinegar. All in the same bag

Ray: Sorry?

Alan: All in one together. Chippiness lumpdom.

Ray: (pause). Sorry?

Alan: Triple amalgamotry edibleness.

Pause.

Ray: (drily). No need to worry, had I? You’re normal as ever…

Scene 30- Alan’s bedroom

Alan enters, throwing the empty fish and chips bag away. And lies on bed.

Mum: Alan! Where’ve you… (Pause) You smell of the chippy.

Alan: I felt peckish.

Mum: There were four sausage rolls over from tea-time.

Alan: I’ll have them as well. Put ‘em on a plate with tomato ketchup and bring it up. Thanks.

Mum: (overjoyed) Will do.

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Alan smiles.

Scene 31- School hall.

Late afternoon. The hall is empty. Ms Land, Alan, Ann and James are onstage rehearsing. Ms Land is sitting on a plastic school chair with a small table, with a notepad and her copy of the play. Alan, James and Ann are dotted randomly onstage with copies of the play in hand.

Ann: (reading). My fiancée tells me that you are a stranger to St Albans, Mr Coveney.

Alan (reading into his book). I’d be grateful if you’d call me Antoine, my dear.

Ms Land: You’re mumbling.

Alan: (looks at Ms Land and then shouts…) I’d be grateful if you’d call me Antoine, my dear.

Ms Land: Alan! She’s not in Australia. Try half-way. Madagascar.

Alan: (Not quite as loud). I’d be grateful if you’d call me Antoine, my dear.

Both look to Ms Land for approval. Ms Land just looks puzzled and then nods.

Ann: Calling you Antoine might be deemed a little familiar, Mr Coveney. You calling me ‘my dear’ is excessively so!

Ms Land: (reading stage direction). She storms from the drawing room. (Ann starts meandering off, her finger in her mouth). ‘Storms’, Ann, not shuffles. And people don’t storm anywhere while sucking their finger.

Ann: I was just trying to push the skin down, Miss, to make the cuticle bigger.

Ms Land: Are big cuticles in the play?

Ann: (puzzled).No… in real life, Miss.

Ms Land: Ann, please storm from the drawing room as the author requires, thank you.

Ann returns centre stage and immediately turns around to storm off, properly this time.

Ms Land: Thank you. (To Alan). Continue.

Alan: (reading). I fear your intended is somewhat displeased with me, Row-

Ms Land: Alan. Number one: Say the line to James, not your armpit. And number two: the fact that she’s displeased with you is immaterial to you. You’re a philanderer. A grown man. A man of the world. You’re amused that she’s upset.

Alan thinks, and then…

Alan: (puzzled). That doesn’t make any sense, Miss.

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Ms Land: Perfect sense! It makes perfect sense. That’s precisely what grown men are like! It’s extremely perceptive writing! Proceed.

Alan: (with an appalling attempt to at being amused). I fear your intended is somewhat displeased with me, Rowlands.

There’s a silence.

Ms Land: (to James). Well?

James: (suddenly realising it’s him). Oh, sorry, Miss…Um… (Reading). I suggest you leave St. Albans on the morning charabanc, Mr Coveney. I know of your notorious, nay, nefarious exploits in London. I know of the safes you have robbed of diamonds. Of the ladies you have robbed from repute. Of the hearts you have robbed of happiness.

Alan: (acting ‘scornful’). Ha, ha!

Ms Land: Good. Now as well as laughing scornfully, Alan, if you could- (She involuntary utters a small yelp). Oh!

They all look at her. For a brief moment, she seems to be in extreme discomfort- then gradually her face grows more and more bathed in overjoyed relief. A long pause.

Ms Land: (happily). Um…look…sorry about this…I’m suddenly not feeling too well… not well at all… I’m sorry to say. So we’ll stop rehearsal there for tonight. We’ll carry on…Wednesday. Excuse me.

She exits delighted. The others stand there looking puzzled and then grab their bags and head off home.

Scene 32- A street corner (Princess Way)- late afternoon

James, Ann and Alan (with Ann in between them both) are walking home from the school rehearsal and approaching the corner.

Alan: Well, in my considered opinion, it will be 159 years before we’re ready to act it in front of the whole school…

James: Today was a short rehearsal, that’s all. We’ll be OK.

Alan: 159 years minimum.

Ann: (irritated). You do drip, don’t you?

Alan: Not much.

James: I think we’re… bloody brilliant.

Ann: (confidently). I do.

They walk, in silence, for a moment.

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James: By Wednesday, I’m going to know the first scene by heart.

Ann: I am.

Alan: Me too.

Alan has killed the atmosphere again and they go into another silence.

James: See you tomorrow, then.

Ann: Defo.

James: Unless you want to go out somewhere to eat… Subway or Maccies… or anything.

Ann: I’m learning my part.

James: (slightly embarrassed).Oh, yes. So am I. (He turns off towards home and then looks back at Alan). Don’t you go that way? (He points).

Alan: I’m dropping something off for my dad. Paternal jobosity.

James: Where?

Alan: Palmerston Avenue way.

Ann: I live that way.

Alan: (pretending to be taken by surprise). Really? I didn’t know that.

James: See you then.

Alan: P’tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuuh!

James: (pained). I don’t do P’tang, yang whatever it is.

Alan: Oh. Sorry.

James: (to Ann, slightly embarrassed by Alan’s presence). Manana.

Ann: Manana.

James and Ann: Manana’s not soon enough for me.

They look into each other’s eyes for a moment. Alan just stands there, showing his embarrassment at their goodbye. James exits.

Ann: I hate all that ‘paternal jobosity’ drivel.

Alan: Pardon?

Ann: You and your crackpot pals. Long, stupid words that don’t mean anything. ‘Crepuscular dimension’, ‘incandescent geographydom’. Must I go on?

Alan: It’s only a bit of fun. A joke. Jocularity undimini-

He stops short on getting a dirty look from her. They walk on.

36

Scene 33- Palmerston Avenue (Outside Ann’s House)

Alan and Ann are walking in silence. Alan, is racking his brains trying to think of something to say.

Alan: I wasn’t really dripping. All I meant was we’re only on page 4.

Ann: It was our first rehearsal.

Alan: Yeah, I suppose. (Pause). But there’s 51 pages altogether… before we get to the end.

Ann: So?

Alan: Just that I’ll be happier when we’re on page 51.

Ann: You just want it over with.

Alan: No… just to be on the last page, that’s all.

Ann: And I know why?

Alan: (guiltily, embarrassed and jumping to conclusions). You do?

Pause, like an “EastEnders ending” moment.

Ann: Of course I do. It’s perfectly obvious.

Alan: Well?

Ann You’re a drip.

She enters her house. He walks past, and as soon as he knows she is out of sight he does his about-turn. He is gutted that he did not kiss Ann, meaning he can only still dream, but is relieved that she did not bust him as to why he was looking forward to ‘page 51’.

Comm.: And Duckworth looks in trouble yet again. And as the teams go in at half time, there’s precious little going right for him, or Leicester City for that matter. Every time he’s about to get a grip on the game, the Chelsea defence seems to have the last word and at this rate, it will be Tottenham who will take it. Disconsolate, discouraged, deeply depressed, disappointed, deflated. But, surely, he must take heart that there is still a chance they can win this game and take the ultimate prize… that he still has the chance to grit his teeth… and try again.

Scene 34- Tommy’s shed. (Night)

Tommy and Ms Land are facing each other- each gripping the other excitedly by the elbows- their faces bright with joy and overwhelming relief.

Tommy: Are you sure?

Ms Land: (grinning like a Cheshire cat). Don’t I look it!!

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Tommy: Oh, Miss Land!

Ms Land: (bubbling over into euphoric laughter) Oh, God… I’d forgotten what it was like to laugh!!

Tommy: (hugging her without a moment’s thought). I feel so… I feel… I don’t know what to do with myself I feel so…

Ms Land: Oh, me too! The relief! The sheer… Oh, God, thank you… It’s all over… now we can stop seeing each other…

Tommy: (hysterical). Never see each other ever again!

Ms Land: Oh, Tommy… it’s all over… I don’t know whether to sing or dance or…

They begin dancing around in hysterics. They kiss each other with laughter. The kisses become more urgent. Caresses become grapples. They sink to the floor, passionately fumbling with each other’s clothes. The light goes out and we can only hear them.

Ms Land: Are you free Sunday night?

Tommy: I thought you had choir practice?

Ms Land: Yes, I do. I mean after that.

Tommy: Oh, Miss Land!!!!!

Scene 35- The school hall (late afternoon) - Rehearsal No. 2.

The new, happy and bright Ms Land is at her table, directing Alan, Ann and James, who are still clutching their copies.

Ms Land: Very good. (To Alan). Whereupon you dismiss him with a confident smile.

Alan smiles weakly at James. James raises his eyebrow.

Ms Land: A confident smile, Alan. Do you know how to be confident? I think the author would like it. (Alan performs another feeble smile). Is that it? (Alan nods holding the smile). Alright, James, consider yourself with… that smile. Continue.

Alan: (reading). Never again will I tread that path. I’ve seen the light Rowlands. The light of truth in what’s happened. And the light of-

Ms Land: Turn to Lady Daphne.

Alan: (turns to Ann, and delivers it passionately and meaningfully). And the light of love in your fiancé’s eyes. Love for me.

Ms Land: (softly). And walks towards her. (He does so). Good. (Pause, and then rapidly rounding proceedings up) At which point you take-her-in-your-arms-kiss-her-do-the-last-line-about-now-she’s-yours-and-you’re-no-longer-a-philanderer. Fantastic! Rehearsals again on Friday. Four o’clock.

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Alan: (taken back by it all, and rather disappointedly). Oh… um.

Ms Land: Yes?

Alan: Aren’t we actually going to… y’know.

Looks to Ann and James for support, but they are busy collecting their belongings together and talking to one another.

Ms Land: No, Alan. I don’t know. Its five o’clock and I have other things to attend to.

Alan: Ah… it’s alright, then… doesn’t matter.

Scene 36- Football pitch by the canal (Evening)

The boys are playing a scratch five-a-side game of football, all still roughly in their uniforms, but untidily. The game is currently halted as Alan has lost the ball… again. Alan, Batham and Jay are seated on the grass. Batham is holding the copy of the play, testing Alan on his lines.

Batham: ‘What the devil do you mean, you blackguard?’

Alan: (Now taking the role seriously). ‘Precisely what you fear I mean, sir. I have been searching the earth for its most precious diamond and found it here. Er, not in Lady Daphne’s necklace, but in her heart.’

Batham: ‘He dismisses him with a confident smile.’

Alan: ‘Er… I’ve seen the light, Rowlands.’

Batham: You’ve missed a sentence out. ‘I will never tread that path again.’

Alan: Oh yeah. ‘I will never tread that path again. I have seen the light, Rowlands. The light of love-‘

Batham: The light of truth.

Alan: Oh, yeah. ‘The light of truth in what’s happened. And the light of love in your fiancé’s eyes. Love for me.’

Alan stands for a moment, imagining ‘the kiss’. The other two start making kissing noises and being silly, heckling.

Batham: (reading). Then you strides over to her, take her in your arms and… and (He bursts out with laughter along with Jay, adding the odd vomit mime and sound in).

Jay: Pukedom vomitinosity!

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Batham: Spewosity upthrow.

Alan: (violently). That’s stupid, that!! (They stare at him in bewilderment). Long, drivel words that don’t mean anything! It’s bull crap talk!

He snatches the book off Batham and storms off. An uncomfortable silence. Batham and Jay look at one another and then…

Batham/Jay: Oooooooh!

Batham: Wonder who’s got his knickers in a twist?

Jay: He’s getting more like my Auntie Maggie every day.

Batham: It’s just the strain of learning his lines, the drama queen.

Jay: Either that, or he’s been overdoing it.

Batham: Overdoing it can’t make you go like Auntie Maggie can it?

Jay just raises his eyebrows and shrugs his shoulders.

Scene 37- School hall (late afternoon)

Ms Land, Alan, Ann and James are rehearsing as before using their books.

Alan: And the light of love in your fiance’s eyes. Love for me.

Alan walks towards her, in a trance. He takes her in his arms, both feeling his heart pounding like two kettle drums. He’s finally about to kiss her, he’s about to score and then… backs off a little, drying his lips with the back of his hands. He goes for it. Ann backs her head a little. Ms Land, watches bemused and enquires…

Ms Land: What on earth are you doing?

Alan: Drying my lips, Miss.

Ms Land: Well don’t! There’s something faintly not very nice about it. Just kiss her. With your ordinary lips.

Alan: (protesting). When they’re dry it makes them more bare, more pure, more-

Ms Land: Just kiss her!

Alan: Yes, Miss

He takes Ann in his arms again- about to kiss her…

James: (raising his hand, politely). Please, Miss?

Ms Land: (head in hands). What is it James?

James: You said I could go early today, Miss. I’ve got the dentists at five.

Ms Land: Quite right, so I did. (Claps hands). Off you pop, everyone. Home-time.

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Alan: (Heart sinking, protesting again). But, Miss!

Ms Land: What are you complaining about now?

Alan: We’re still here Miss! Miss, we’ve never done this last bit, Miss!

Ms Land: We’ll be doing it on Monday, Alan. For our sins.

Alan: But that’s the day itself, Miss! The real thing!

Ms Land: (condescendingly). That’s right. It must have slipped my mind. Ah well.

Comm.: Now, this really is becoming quite uncanny. Once more, Duckworth is left frustrated. Just as he was shaping up for a counter attack, the referees have stopped play for a water break, with the sun beating down on the players. He’s obviously annoyed by the stoppage of play, would have been a perfect time to equalize. But the Chelsea players take their time in their water break… whereas Duckworth rushes off for water and is straight back on. Clearly, he is still determined, though a little desperate, one suspects… to stay in the game.

Scene 38- Street Corner (later that afternoon).

James, Ann and Alan on their way home.

James: See you then.

Ann: Hope it all goes well at the dentists.

James: Cert. Manana.

Ann: Manana.

Ann and James: Manana’s not soon enough for me.

James realises that once again, Alan is going the same way. He looks at him levelly, accusingly.

James: You dropping something off for your dad again, are you?

Alan: Definitely.

James: (challenging). You drop a lot of things off for your dad, don’t you? Especially down Palmerston.

Alan: (shrugs). Fair amount.

James: (to Ann for Alan’s benefit). See you outside the Odeon on Saturday, Ann.

He exits, Ann just stares deeply in wonder at him as he strides away. Alan stands there.

Alan: Well… shall we (indicating the way to Palmerston Avenue).

She exits, with Alan close behind.

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Scene 39- Palmerston Avenue (moments later)

Alan and Ann walking towards her house. Alan racks his brain to try and find something to say.

Alan: In my considered opinion, Antoine probably wanted to kiss Lady Daphne at the start, when he first-

Ann: No, he didn’t. He wanted to steal her jewellery.

Alan: (realising he’s in trouble again). Yes… yes, he does… but then discovers it’s Rowlands who’s the real criminal... and to, y’know, save her from his vile clutches… I think what he does is dream of the moment, when-

Ann: Quack-Quack! Antoine Coveney’s a real man. Lady Daphne is but a mere woman. He does whatever he wants to do! Just does it! No messing!

Alan: Oh, definitely, but my point was-

Ann: Real men don’t mess about dreaming!

Alan: No, I suppose not.

She storms into her house. Alan continues a little way past, then does his customary about turn.

Alan: (to himself). Not all men are like that Ann. Some of us just take our time. I’m not mess-

Ann then opens the door to pick up the newspaper. Alan has to immediately turn back around in the opposite direction he wants to take.

Scene 40- Alan’s Bedroom (night)

Reciting his lines to the mirror, wearing pyjama trousers.

Alan: And the light of love in your fiancé’s eyes. Love for me.

He walks to the mirror and embraces it, as if it were Ann. He goes to kiss “Ann”, but then pulls out to rub the back of his hand again before kissing. He then goes again. He’s just about kiss…

Mum: Alan! What’s your dinner doing in the dog bowl?

He snaps out of it, wondering what the hell he was doing.

Mum: You’re not doing your Mahatma Gandhi again?

Alan sighs, and just flops into bed.

Comm.: So then, with Leicester so near and yet so far, play is interrupted yet again. A cat has got onto the pitch and is not moving. The players are struggling here to remove this

42

nuisance and continue with this thrilling match. You just saw Duckworth really getting into this game, looking like a man, but then just can’t seem to finish. Once again, Duckworth is clearly angered by the time wasted… It will take a miracle to turn this one around, especially with time running out.

Scene 41- The school hall (Day of the performance).

Kids are rushing screaming wildly, laughing and talking. They take their seats (perhaps with the audience, to make them all feel as one, whispering and talking with audience members). Teachers hurry around to hush them down as the show is about to begin. Ms Land, Alan, Ann and James are in the wings, which the audience should just be able to see. In the wings, they are putting the final touches to their costumes. On stage, there is a naff 1930’s set. Alan wears a big moustache, James wears an ill-suited grey wig and Ann is wearing a ball gown. The Headmaster goes up on to stage.

Headmaster: (reading off a scrappy piece of paper). Welcome, one and all, to this our annual performance. I’d like to begin by welcoming our special guests, the Mayor and his lovely wife. (There is a dead silence at that comment, with the students looking around at each other a little suspicious of his comment). Like last year, our very own English teacher, Miss Elizabeth Land was kind enough to volunteer as the director, so please give her a round of applause. (She nervously walks on, does a little courtesy, and rushes off very quickly). So without, further or do. I present to you, ‘The Tables Turned’.

He leaves the stage and the lights come down. Ann enters onto stage in the dark.

Boy 1: Wasn’t that the same speech as last year?

Boy 2: And the year before that.

Ms Land is fluffing with the CD player, playing the beginning of different tracks until she finds the right one. Lights come up once she has found the right one. Ann is alone on stage, tidying the sofa and arranging the flowers in the vase. There are giggles, a smattering of applause and a few catcalls from Batham, Jay and other boys- they are immediately seen to by the teachers. James is waiting to go on, but he’s missed is cue.

Ms Land: (pushing James). Now!

James stumbles onto stage, which results in raucous laughter from the students. The teachers silence them with deadly looks.

James: (regaining his composure). Good afternoon, Daphne.

Ann: Charles, dearest! I didn’t expect you till tea-time.

James: I know, my dear. But this is more than a visit from a doting fiancé- (a few more catcalls from the boys, again silenced with looks.)- As you know I am Chief Magistrate for St. Albans…

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Ann: (Ms Land and Alan mouth the words offstage). A pillar of our society, Charles. The whole of Hertfordshire respects you, I, for my part, respect you- and more.

James: Thank you, dearest. Well, in my official capacity, the police have informed me that an unscrupulous criminal from London has been seen motoring in his Alvis Coupe up the A1. A gentleman diamond-thief… notorious for winning the hearts of ladies only to steal their jewellery.

Ms Land rings a bell in the wings.

Ann: (startled) Goodness me, Charles. You’ve made me jumpy, I wonder who that could be…?

James: I shall go and answer it.

During this moment, the police have arrived at the school. Their siren can be heard and there is a flicker of blue lights. Two doors slam. Some students are distracted for a moment.

James: It’s a chap’s whose car’s broken down outside the Manor. Seems a decent gentleman. I said he could join us while I telephone a garage for him. Ah, here he is now.

Alan has frozen in the wings.

James: (repeating loudly). Ah, here he is now.

Ms Land has to push Alan on like she did with James. His entrance is made with laughter from all the students and chuckles from the teachers.

Jay/Batham: (with appropriate hand gesture). P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang, uuh!

Alan looks out, and raises his hand ever so slightly, stopping his habit. A teacher gives the two boys a look to scare all.

James: May I introduce you to my fiancé, the Honourable Lady Daphne.

Alan: Charmed to make your acquaintance, Lady Daphne. What a delightful home you have.

Ann: Thank you. Do you have many friends in these parts?

Alan: The Hertfordshire Caldicotts were old friends of my family till their return to Pretoria. Colonel Caldicott and I shot grouse together in Scotland.

At this point, the secretary walks in and whispers to the Headmaster, who has nodded off. He applauds thinking the play is over. He looks puzzled upon hearing what the secretary told him and immediately hurries out. The play continues.

Ann: What is it you do, Mr…?

Alan: Oh, Mr Antoine Coveney.

Ann: Ah, Mr Coveney, what line of work are you in?

Alan is struggling for his lines. James tries to subtly point at Ann’s bracelet. Alan eventually picks takes the hint.

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Alan: I have a keen eye for jewellery and other bits and pieces.

James: Ah, you own a jewellery shop.

Alan: I suppose you could say that. (Noticing Ann’s necklace). What a lovely necklace, mother of pearl. I bet that cost a pretty penny.

Ann: I inherited it from my grandmother. She was very dear to me my grandmother and this is all I have left of her.

Alan: In that case, you better take good care of it then.

James: Anyway, would you like a drink good sir?

Alan: A glass of water please.

James: Come, come, how about a whiskey?

Alan: Errr, no. I’m driving. Remember.

James: Goodness me! So pleasant and urbane has been our conversation that I quite forgot to telephone the garage for you! (He goes to the phone). What make of car have you, Mr Coveney?

Alan: It’s an Alvis. An Alvis Coupe.

Ann and James ‘act’ shocked.

James: An Alvis Coupe?

Alan: Yes

James: Mmmm, very nice. Would you excuse me a moment.

James exits.

Ann: My fiancé tells me you are a stranger to St Albans, Mr Coveney.

Alan: I’d be grateful if you called me Antoine, my dear.

Ann: Calling you Antoine might be deemed a little too familiar, Mr Coveney. (James re-enters). You calling me ‘my dear’ is excessively so.

Ann storms out.

Alan: (turning to James). I fear your intended is somewhat displeased with me, Rowlands.

James: I suggest you leave St Albans on the morning charabanc, Coveney. I know of your notorious, nay, nefarious exploits in London. I know of the safes you have robbed of diamonds. Of the ladies you have robbed of repute. Of the hearts you have robbed of happiness.

Alan: Ha, ha! And it has led me to this house for my piece de resistance. For an irreplaceable piece.

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James: (Ann re-enters with some drinks and places them down). You sicken me! People who go round robbing this and robbing that. Wait… what the devil do you mean, you blackguard? Piece de resistance?

Alan: Precisely what you fear I mean, sir. I have been searching the earth for its most precious diamond and found it here. Not in Lady Daphne’s necklace, but in her heart. (Confidently smiles). Never again will I tread that path. I’ve seen the light, Rowlands. The light of truth in what’s happening. And the light of love in your fiancé’s eyes. Love for me!

This is it. The moment has come. Dream becomes reality, reality becomes a dream. THE KISS!!! Alan walks slowly towards Ann

Comm.: Now, let’s try and be calm about this. Leicester need one more goal in order to achieve greatest victory of all time. Young Duckworth, who looks more threatening as the match goes on, is looking more and more likely to become the Premier Leagues youngest ever footballer at just 14. In the dying moments of this game, Quack-Quack has an opportunity to give Leicester City the title with this spot kick. Will it be third time lucky? This will be the last kick of the match…

Alan looks into Ann’s eyes. She is beautiful. He moves to take her in his arms.

Comm.: He takes a run up! ...

He inclines his head to kiss.

Comm.: And Duckworth…

He glances at the audience, picking out faces. He looks back at Ann; lips pursed, eyes closed and waiting.

Comm.: And Duckworth…

As though in a trance, he drops his arms and takes a step back. Ann, who has been waiting for a long time, opens one eye, to see what is happening. She then stands up right looking at Alan, puzzled beyond belief.

Comm.: (little puzzled). And Duckworth…

His eyes fill up with tears and only Ann can see this. Everything Alan does now is very slow. He approaches her, grabs her hand and shakes it with his other hand. Solemnly. Everyone is dumbstruck, bar Ms Land… She is going into a panic attack.

Alan: (mumbling). For with that kiss, you are now mine- and I no longer a philanderer.

Music is played. There is silence. Only the Mayor and his wife clap politely, but with no real commitment. The Headmaster rushes in, having not seen what has actually happened and assuming it was fantastic.

Headmaster: Wasn’t that fantastic? Well done to everyone involved and we can’t wait for next year’s production, which I’m sure will meet the standards we have seen today. If you’d all like to head back to your classrooms and pick up your bags as it is nearly home time. And

46

if the Mayor and his dear wife would like to follow me, I will show the way out the side entrance, to avoid being amongst the children ha, ha. Thank you.

He leads the way out and the children disperse just as noisily as they came in. Ms Land waits for the coast to be clear before bringing the three out on stage and begin removing set from the stage and removing parts of their costume. Alan wants to die; James is revelling in Alan’s discomfiture; Ms Land wants to die; Ann glues her eyes on Alan, trying to work out what is wrong. Alan just stands whilst the other two remove set. Ms Land is yelling at Alan.

Ms Land: Ruined! Completely ruined! Weeks of rehearsals, the whole play put to… (Trying not to swear but can’t help it). Shit! What on earth possessed you!!

James: It’s never like that with DiCaprio… I mean, imagine Leonardo DiCaprio seeing the light of love in Claire Danes eyes and just-

Ann: James, don’t.

James: - and just standing there like a twerp, shaking hands with her, while a choir of angels are-

Ann: (forcefully). Stop it, James.

Ms Land: (calmly, to Alan). If you never wanted to kiss her, you should have said so right at the start, and we’d have got someone who would have quite liked to! You’re a mess and a weed and a lolloper! You lollop!

The Headmaster rushes in.

Head: Excuse me, Miss Land.

Ms Land: I’m sorry about the ending, Headmaster! Alan here deliberately-

Head: If I may just borrow you for a moment.

They both exit and the others clear the last of the set.

Scene 42- School corridor

One of the policemen is standing waiting. The Headmaster ushers Ms Land to the policeman. She stops, blankly, on seeing him.

Ms Land: Oh…

Head: Miss Land… something’s happened. It appears that young Tommy, the caretaker-

Ms Land: I don’t know what you mean! He’s nothing to do with… I’ve hardly ever… whatever’s been…

Head: It appears he was a deserter during the invasion. A deserter from the 7th Armoured Brigade.

Policeman: April 8th, 2003, Basra. The third week into the invasion.

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Ms Land just stares, in shock.

Head: He’s just been arrested.

Policeman: He will be handed over to a Military Police escort and taken for Court Martial. If guilty, Private Tommy Walker will likely face imprisonment and will face dismissal from Her Majesty’s Service. He requested if I’d be kind enough to pass on a message to you…

Ms Land: Why me? I’ve only ever said good morning to him and…

Policeman: Well, it’s not for you in particular.

Ms Land: Sorry?

Policeman: He said there’s a boy in your class. Name of Duckworth. He said- (reading from his notebook)… ‘Whatever he hears, ask him not to think too bad of me owing to me not being the hero he thought I was.’ (Closes notebook). That’s all.

Head: The dichotomy of Appearance and Reality again, I suppose, Miss Land. The whole Shakespearean canon. (To policeman by way of the explanation). Miss Land is our English expert.

Policeman: (puzzled). Oh, yes?

Head: I’ll escort you to your car, Officer.

Policeman: Thank you, sir. Thank you, Ma’am

The Headmaster begins to trundling away, with policeman close behind. The policeman smiles sadly at Ms Land.

Ms Land: (sadly). Thank you. (Pause). Officer… (He turns back) I’m a Miss not a Ma’am. (With a wry smile) For your information.

Policeman: (uncertainly). Right… Miss.

The Headmaster and Policeman exit. Ms Land stands for a moment, thinking about Tommy and what could have been. She then snaps out of it, dries her eyes of any tears, just to check and…

Ms Land: Alan, I need to talk to you!

Scene 43- A Street corner (late afternoon)

James, Ann and Alan are trudging home after the play. Slowly and in silence. Alan is sadly, gravely preoccupied. And unusually, he is not close to tears. James feels uncomfortably excluded.

Ann: Why, though, Quack-Quack! Why didn’t you do the kiss? You haven’t said why.

Alan just shrugs.

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Ann: Did you just forget?

James: He nearly forgot three whole lines on page 20. About may he look at your bracelet, owing him to being a jewellery expert, till I prompted him!

They reach the usual separation spot.

James: Well, I’ll say manana, then.

Ann: (To Alan). I mean there must be a reason. Everything has a reason…

James: (watching warily). I said ‘I’ll say manana, then’…

Ann: (To Alan). You can walk home with me if you want to?

James: (Feeble). Manana.

Alan: (Shrugs in reply to Ann’s invitation). Alright.

They walk on leaving James on his own.

James: Manana’s not soon enough for me…

He is ignored.

Scene 44- Palmerston Avenue (outside Ann’s house)

Alan and Ann enter.

Ann: What do you think was the reason?

Alan: I don’t know.

Ann: (trying to lift the mood). You don’t know much, then, do you!

Alan: (simply). No. I don’t. I know nothing. (Pause). I used to think I knew everything about everything. The world and that. But I don’t (Pause). Maybe I got it wrong.

Ann: Got what wrong?

Alan: Everything. Tommy. The world. Maybe it’s all lies.

Ann: What is?

Alan: Everything I thought. About everything.

She looks at him. He shivers, involuntarily.

Ann: You’re shivering.

Alan: Yeah.

Ann: Maybe you’re sickening for something.

Alan: Maybe.

They walk in silence, for a moment or two-

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Alan: A few weeks ago I trod on a big, fat spider and hundreds of little ones came running out of it. I thought it was perhaps a miracle.

Ann: (hotly). I don’t know about a miracle, it was sodding cruel!

Alan: Accidental.

Ann: (simmering down). Oh. (Pause). It must’ve been pregnant. You just gave it a sort of caesarean.

Alan: Oh, I see.

Ann: I don’t think it’ll have been a miracle. It’s just Nature, really.

Alan: Yes.

Ann: Except Nature is a miracle, isn’t it?

Alan: (stopping, looks at her, and smiles sadly). Yeah. I forgot that. Yes, suppose your right.

They stand in front of her house for a moment, in silence.

Ann: Why didn’t you want to kiss me? Am I that ugly in your eyes?

Alan: (looking at her. He speaks quietly, solemnly, completely unselfconsciously, and very, very simply). You’re beautiful, Ann. Sometimes I look at you and you’re so beautiful I want to cry. And sometimes I look at you and you’re so beautiful I want to laugh and jump up and down and run through the streets with no clothes on shouting ‘P’Tang, Yang, Kipperbang’ through people’s letter boxes. (Pause, to calm himself down). But mostly you’re so beautiful- even if I don’t cry, my chest cries. Your lips are the most beautiful. Second is your nape.

Ann: My what?

Alan: The back of your neck it’s termed the nape.

Ann: (lovingly). Oh, my nape.

Alan: And your skin. When I walk past your desk, I breathe in on purpose to smell your skin. It’s the most beautiful smell there is.

Ann: It’s only Dior.

Alan: It makes me feel dizzy. Giddy. You smell brand-new. You look brand-new. All of you. The little soft hairs on your arms.

Ann: (A little bit taken back by the last sentence). Ok, I think you’ve made your point clear.

Alan: But mostly it’s your lips. I love your lips. That’s why I’ve always wanted to kiss you. Ever since 7E. Just kiss. Not the other things. I don’t want to the other things to you. (Pause). Well, I do. All the other things. Sometimes, I want to them so much I feel I’m- (suddenly) do you have violin lessons?

Ann: What?

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Alan: On the violin.

Ann: No. I can barely play recorder.

Alan: Well, on a violin there’s the E string. That’s the highest pitched and it’s strung tight and taut, and makes a kind of high, sweet scream. Well, sometimes I want you so much, that’s what I’m like.

A pause.

Ann: Um… thank you.

Alan: I always wanted to tell you you were lovely. Persoanlly, I always think it’s dead weedy when Colin Firth- or whatisname- or Hugh Grant- or someone says a girl’s lovely. But you are. And I know girls think it’s weedy when boys call them sweet- but you are. (Pause). I don’t expect I’ll ever kiss you now in my whole life. Or take you to the pictures. Or marry you and do the other things to you. But I’ll never forget you and how you made me feel. Even when I’m 51 or something.

A long pause. Anything else that is happening in the street is completely unnoticed by both of them. Then silence, only the sound of a bird can be heard.

Ann: (quietly, softly). Why didn’t you kiss me then?

Alan: It’s like footballers. Well, I mean it isn’t like footballers. Jamie Vardy or Riyad Mahrez step up to take a penalty… they face the goalkeeper- and there are thousands of people watching… their families and friends and all of the Chelsea team and staff and all of the Foxes team and staff and the referees and John Motson and thousands of strangers and the cleaners. And they don’t care. They just keep their eye on the ball, then the goal, then back to the ball. And they shoot. I don’t know how they do it. I couldn’t.

Ann: (pause). Would you like to kiss me now?

Alan just shakes his head.

Ann: No one’s watching.

He shakes his head again.

Ann: Why not?

Her eyes looking into his, Ann starts drying her lips with the back of her hand. Gently, Alan takes her hand away from her lips and holds both of her hands by his side. They’re now very close, is this the kiss? He smiles tenderly. A long moment. Then, again, sadly shakes his head again.

Alan: I’m sorry, Ann. It’s too late.

Ann: (tears starting in her eyes). It isn’t even five o’clock!

Alan: I didn’t mean that. Things are different now.

Ann: Why? What things?

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Alan: You were right, you see, Ann. Real men don’t mess about dreaming. I could kiss you… but it won’t be like I dreamed it’d be. I know it won’t. Nothing is. Kids kid themselves.

A pause.

Ann: (hotly). I think you won’t kiss me because I said you could!

Alan: What?

Ann: Because now I want you to.

Alan: (thrown). Is that what happens?

Ann: I think you’re just being bloody mean again! Only this time on purpose!

Alan: Don’t cry Ann. I used to cry. Even in my sleep… dreaming. I won’t anymore, though. I’ve jacked in crying now.

Ann looks into his eyes; fighting back the tears. Smiles sadly.

Ann: Would you like to say P’Tang, yang, kipperbang?

He smiles: And shakes his head.

Alan: I don’t do long silly words now.

Ann: My favourite words are yellow ochre, burnt sienna and crimson lake.

Alan: Sensible and lovely. (Pause). See you tomorrow.

He turns to go.

Ann: Alan?

He turns back. And she kisses him, briefly, on the cheek.

Ann: For good luck.

He smiles and starts back for his house. She holds her look on him for a moment, a deep breath, a hurried wipe of her eyes to rid of those tears and she goes in. On hearing the door shut, Alan looks back, holds his cheek for a brief moment and continues.

Scene 45- Alan’s street (a little later).

Alan is walking towards his house. Gradually, his gait is beginning to change… becoming more confident… then cocky… then a downright swagger. He grin to himself. He stands just outside his house looking up into the sky and looking up and down his street, feeling invincible.

Comm.: And Duckworth… and Duckworth… and Duckworth has done it! He slots the ball calmly past Courtois into the bottom right corner. Leicester City have done it, they have won the most coveted prize in English football. They are the 2015/2016 Premier League champions, taking it away from the previous champions. And for Quack-Quack Duckworth,

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an amazing debut. He started off bad, but just got better and better. Proof here, that miracles can really happen. He will go down in history as the player who went onto the pitch a boy… and came back a man.

He walks up to his door, looks back again, over the audience. He notices the two workmen, watching in awe and gives them a nod. Goes in his bag, takes out a mars bar and takes a huge bite out of it. He goes in.

Alan: (with mouth full). Mum, I’m home.

Whilst all of this is going on, the two workmen have been standing there in amazement. They watch him go.

Workman 1: He’ll start shaving next.

Workman 2: Then spend the rest of his life trying to stop the bleeding.

They exit, with all of their tools.

Curtain. Fin. That’s all folks. The End.