And You Can Quote Me

8/14/2019 And You Can Quote Me

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and youcan quote

me!

2008

Holland Cooke

(Merely compiling obvious stuff, as usual.)


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If you can hearthunder , you could

be struck by

lightning. Robot voice on NOAA VHF marineweather channel.

A comforting thought I heard one August

night, anchored off Block Island, as I laybeneath a 52 foot metal mast, in theproud sailing vessel Undaunted, during afierce electrical storm.

This statement has more than literalvalue, as does much of what follows. Itsa metaphor, like


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3

Dont br ing yourlunch to a banquet.


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Enter ing a pr ize

drawing?W rinkle-up, thensm ooth-out, your

entry blank.Y ou ll im prove yourchances of w inning.

I speak from experience.

If theyll be spinning the drum beforedrawing, your piece-of-paper will

move around more than and notadhere-to other perfectly-flat entryforms.

If they dont spin the drum, yourentry blank will feel different thanthe others to whoever reaches in.


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5

ALW AY S split acesand 8s, no m atter

w hat the dealer isshowing.

And, statistically, Insurance is a suckerbet.


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I could car e less.

Do you say this when you mean the

opposite?


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7

Dont swing at ballfour.

Alternate pronunciation: Dont break

into jail.


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8

The m ost im portantpiece of infor m ation

in any negotiation isthe other par tysdeadline .

Highly recommended reading, and solidadvice for the dozens of negotiations youconduct every single day: You CanNegotiate Anything, by Herb Cohen.

Read an excerpt online atwww.AndYouCanQuoteMe.com


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9

Y ou should NOT useduct tape on ducts.

Duct tape has thousands of uses, but it'sno good for ducts, according to AOL

Home Improvement Editor and MoneyPit Home Improvement Radio Show hostTom Kraeutler.

Yes, leaky heating ducts are a majorcause of energy waste. But duct tape

applied to those seams just dries out and

falls off.

Why? Duct tape is basically adhesive-

backed cloth. And heat evaporates theadhesive. Poof!

Instead: Use a high-tech tape called

UL121 tape. It's metal and has aspecially treated adhesive that isn't

compromised by heat.


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There are tw okinds of people in

the w or ld:1.those who believe

there are tw o

kinds of people inthe w or ld, and

2.those w ho don't.Robert Benchley


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11

Hand-writtenThank Y ou notesar ent just polite.

Theyre smart.


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12

The 5 Steps toSelling Anything to

Anybody, in order :

1.Pre-Approach2.Approach3.Pitch4.

Negotiate5.Close

This proven strategy doesnt just apply tothe sale of goods and services.

Were all selling, all day.


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13

W hen youve m adethe sale, stopselling.

Bill Campbell


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14

Avoid dr inkinganything containinghigh-fructose cornsyrup.

Instead, drink lots of water, with lemon.In less than a week, you will feel better.


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Baseball is the onlyspor t in w hich thedefense controls the

ball.

Larry King

Yep, another metaphor.


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16

Flying Southw estAirlines?

You w ant seat #12F.On many planes, its the only seat withno seat in front of it. On some aircraft,theres no seat in front of #11A .

And these seats dont just guaranteelegroom. Because Southwest really

packs em in, these are the only seatswhere you can count on using yourlaptop. Anywhere else, youre out ofbusiness if the person in front of you

reclines.

If a through passenger hasnt alreadygrabbed your dream seat, youll need to,pronto. That means you want to be as-early-as-possible in the A boardinggroup.

Hit www.IflySWA.com 23 hours, 59minutes, and 59 seconds beforescheduled departure, and check-inonline.

The C in C boarding group stands forcenter seat.
http://www.iflyswa.com/http://www.iflyswa.com/


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17

Renting a car?

Reserve asubcompact.

Why: Often, they wont have oneavailable; so theyll upgrade you.

If they do have a subcompact available,

and you need something bigger, you canalways upgrade on the spot.


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Fox New s is an

oxymoron.And its brilliant marketing.

Fox News architect Roger Ailes, the

crafty longtime Republican strategist,

realized that news had become acommodity, like bottled water. Many

days, it seems like there are more newschannels than news stories.

So Ailes created a channel that flavors

the news. You dont just get Aquafina.

You get Aquafina Splash, news with asplash of flavor.

A number of independent contentanalyses demonstrate that Fox News isThe Republican News Channel.

Ironically, slanting the news this way isprecisely what Republican Vice President

Spiro Agnew complained about when hecriticized the medias arched brow.

By pronouncing itself FAIR ANDBALANCED, Fox News can do-the-opposite, and give like-minded viewers

comfort that theyre watching anobjective presentation.

Preaching-to-the-choir doesnt get much

more artful than telling viewers-who-

have-already-decided that WE REPORT,YOU DECIDE.


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Nobodys guano isHaagen Dazs.


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Hanging yourclothes in a hotshower takes out

the w rinkles, butsteam them for nom or e than five

m inutes, or theylldevelop w atermarks.

Famous radio consultant Mike McVay,

possibly the only person I know whotravels more than I do.


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21

Dont sign yourcredit cards.

Instead, print Ask for ID.And try not to USE credit cards unlessyou have a specific reason to.

And I dont have enough money with

me isnt a valid reason. Its probably

evidence that you cant afford whatyoure tempted to buy.

Most purchases end up costing you morethan if you paid cash.

Cash is great. It doesnt come back to

haunt you at the end of the month.


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Every tim e youreach for food, askyourself, W ill thiscleanse me or clog

me?Anthony Robbins


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Pick your lane, andstay w ith it.

Bob Marbourg, traffic reporter for WTOPRadio, Washington DC. Nobody else I

have ever managed in radio cares more

about the people listening.

And Bobs advice doesnt just apply to

commuting.


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Do you know thedifference betw eenim ply and

infer?Only a speaker can imply.Only a listener can infer.

Do you know thedifference betw eener udite andpedantic?

If you do, youre pedantic.

And a surprising number of erudite

people mispronounce erudite, whichhas THREE syllables, not four.

AIR-ooo-dite, not AIR-eee-ooo-dite.

Never use apreposition to end a

sentence w ith.


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These are the goodold days.

Carly Simon


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The slow er you w alkin the direction of ar inging phone, theless-stressful your

day will be.I learned this when I managed a bignewsroom in WashingtonWHILE I was along-distance landlord.

One day, I came home and found 4messages on my answering machine, in

the following order, all from the sameperson:

1. Calm: Hi, its Jennifer, your tenanton Waterman Street. Please call me

when you get a chance? Beep.

2. Harried-sounding: Its Jenniferagain. PLEASE call meas soon as

you can??? Beep.

3. Sounding utterly frantic: ItsJennifer. I need to talk with you

RIGHT AWAY. Its REALimportant!!! Beep.

4. Calm: Never mind. We fixed it.Of my wireless phones several dozenfeatures, my favorite is still the Off

switch. God gave us voicemail for areason.


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W icker fur nitur em ade inCopenhagen?

Theres something rattan in The State ofDenmark.


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If you THINK the

m arket hasbottomed-out,you re ear ly.

If you K NOW them arket has

bottomed-out,youre late.

Dollar-cost averaging isnt sexy. But

youll end up buying more shares whenthe price is low, and fewer when theprice is high.

But stock market profits are chump

change compared to the return you willrealize on another investment option:Pay off your credit cards.


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29

Dont touch thehair.

Ever.


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The tw o happiestdays of your life arethe day you buy

your boat and theday you sell your

boat.

Boat ownership is a non-stop series of

inconveniences, unexpected expenses,unforeseen turns-in-the-weather, andother calamitiesall punctuated by briefmoments of happiness.

When you pop the laundry and kill theengine and hear only the wind and those

cool creaking sounds the rigging makes,its almost worth it.


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Ride the hor se inthe direction thatit's going.

Werner Erhard


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There is no perfectpickup line.

Ive asked MANY fabulous babes, and

experts agree:

Its not WHAT you say. Its THAT you say something. Try Hello, lookers advise.


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Dance w ith the gir lsw holl dance.

Dont w ith thosew ho w ont.

This isnt just about dancing, or girls.


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Spend m ore tim e atthe Public Library.

When you get there, youll know why.


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Put it before thembr iefly so they w illread it, clear ly so

they will appreciateit, picturesquely sothey will rem em ber

it and, above all,accur ately so theyw ill be guided by itslight.

Joseph Pulitzer


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Dogs really love us.

Cats love us when they hear a can

opener.


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37

Defeat goes overdefense befor e

detail.


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DONT recycle!

Instead, savem oney, by saving

ener gy tw o w ays, bygiving plastic

bottles a second life,

in your freezer.When you buy a soft drink, yourespending more on packaging than

contents. Lots more if youre buyingbottled water.

Making plastic bottles spends lots ofenergy. Thus recycling.

But before you toss empties into the bin,fill your freezerwith water. A-freezer-full-of-ice will consume less energykeeping c-c-c-cold.

If you get a big Omaha Steaks delivery,you can always thaw some frozen bottles

to make room.

And if your power goes out, quickly pluck

some frozen bottles from the freezer and

toss em into the fridge.


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Br ow se pawn shops.

Youd have to have your head examinedto buy some things anywhere else.

Need an electric drill? Pay full retail atThe Home Depot or Sears, and youll geta shiny new one. Pay lots less at a pawn

shop, and youll get one that looks likeyouve been workin.

Is your kid taking clarinet lessons?Before you spring for the BennyGoodman autograph model, see if he

LIKES playing clarinet.

Shopping for a diamond? Head for the

mall, and youll be helping those nationalchain stores to pay their pricey rent, andto pay for all their TV advertising.

Youll pay lots less at a pawn shop. And,

of course, youll be getting the diamondappraised, so youll know what yourebuying.

What ALL diamonds have in common:

Theyre millions of years old. Who caresif someone else owned it for 3 yearsbefore you?

Use a jeweler to make your diamondyour-very-own, with the real nice settingyoull be able to afford because you

bought the stone at a pawn shop.

I came by all-of-the-above knowledge bylistening to radio talk host Dave Barber,who could sell ice cubes to Eskimos.


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Dont fear thecolonoscopy.

NOT-having-one is Russian Roulette.

The worst part is that stuff they makeyou chug the night before. Its like doinga Control-Alt-Delete on your body.


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K eep washing yourhands.

Youll be less susceptible to colds and flu.


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W hen Emailing:

Avoid thestimulus/responsetrap.

Its just too easy to hit Reply.When-in-doubt, dont.Unless youre on AOL, theres no Unsend.


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As the (second)

lobster scene inAnnie Halldem onstrates, youcant re-enact

spontaneity.Watch it again, wistfully, at

www.AndYouCanQuoteMe.com


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Should you be using

plastic w rap insteadof alum inum foil?

If youre wrapping leftovers for the

fridge, use plastic wrap. Aluminum foil

isnt airtight.

And aluminum foil is more expensive,and consumes more energy inmanufacture, than plastic wrap.


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Buy Christm ascards on Decem ber26.

This isnt just about when-to-buy

Christmas cards.

Have a cool Yule.


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Every days aholiday. Everym eals a banquet.

Joe Zelley, Flint, Michigan


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Each Decem ber , thetimeless classic ImDream ing of a

W hite Chr istm as issung in every nation

on Earth exceptone.

In Panama, they sing, Im dreaming of awide isthmus.


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About the author:

YOU?There are words YOU live byquips andquotes and guiding principles which Ihavent included here.

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