“Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner

Office!”101 Common Mistakes Women

Make That Sabotage Their Careers by Lois P. Frankel

Presented by Ana Dison

Updated

for

2012!

Student Success Director (Senior Program Coordinator) in the Women in Engineering Program

Currently work with all current engineering women, focusing on persistence, student success, leadership and career development

15+ years full time at UT in a variety of roles

Presented ‘version 1.0’ at ACA in 2007 and 2009, highlighting 14 mistakes

Introduction

1. Most people describe me as professional.2. I have the reputation of being credible.3. I am know for being assertive.4. I have been told I am capable.5. When I speak, others get the idea I am intelligent.6. I am comfortable with being direct.7. My way of speaking causes other to describe me

as articulate.8. I would say when it comes to the workplace, I am

politically astute.9. My middle name is self-confident.10. My actions illuminate that I know how to self-

market.

Which characteristics below are typical of you most of the time?

Equal Pay & the Gender Gap Women still only make about 78% of what

men are paid For women of color, the gap is significantly

wider

So, why is this important?

How You:◦Play the Game◦Act◦Think◦Brand & Market Yourself◦Sound◦Look◦Respond

101 mistakes in seven categories

1. Pretending It isn’t a Game2. Playing the Game Safely and within Bounds3. Working Hard4. Doing the Work of Others5. Working Without a Break6. Being Naïve7. Pinching Company Pennies8. Waiting to Be Given What you Want9. Avoiding Office Politics10. Being the Conscience11. Protecting Jerks12. Holding Your Tongue13. Failing to Capitalize on Relationships14. Not Understanding the Needs of Your Constituents

How You Play the Game

Discussion Topics Women have the tendency to take

responsibility for not only our own work but also the work of others

If you answer, “Well, if I don’t do it, no one else will” you will be doing it for a LONG time

While women are doing the grunt work, men are building their careers

Promotions are rewards for getting the job done, not necessarily doing the job

Unconscious Mistake #4: Doing the Work of Others

Coaching Tips Stop volunteering for low-profile, low-impact

assignments Recognize when people delegate

inappropriately to you◦ “You know, I’d love to help you out with this but I’m

just swamped” Don’t let people delegate up Use self-talk to replace feeling guilty about

saying no◦ “I don’t have to feel guilty about seeing that my

needs are met”

Unconscious Mistake #4: Doing the Work of Others

Discussion Topics Taking people at face value, seeing the

good in people This characteristic is refreshing to see in

our students/young people In more seasoned people (like ourselves),

it is seen as an inability to read a situation

Unconscious Mistake #6: Being Naïve

Coaching Tips If something doesn’t make sense, ask for an

explanation; if someone downplays your need for an explanation, BE SUSPICIOUS

Solicit input from several reliable sources Think about what a person’s motives might be

If you don’t think people have motives…we should talk more later Trust your instincts

Unconscious Mistake #6: Being Naïve

Discussion Topics Men rely on relationships to open doors for

them Difference between name-dropping and

using a relationship to help open a door Not guilt by association; success by

affiliation Connect the dots among people in your

network

Unconscious Mistake #13: Failing to Capitalize on Relationships

Unconscious Mistake #13: Failing to Capitalize on Relationships

Coaching Tips Ask for introductions Introduce people with like interests or

needs (model the behavior) Ask for referrals Ask to use a colleague’s name; if offered,

USE IT!◦ “I heard you mention XX name in past

conversations. I’m trying to schedule a meeting with her and wonder if it would be alright to mention that I know you?”

15. Polling Before Making a Decision16. Needing to Be Liked17. Not Needing to Be Liked18. Not Asking Questions for Fear of Sounding Stupid19. Acting Like a Man20. Telling the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth21. Sharing Too Much Personal Information22. Being Overly Concerned with Offending Others23. Denying the Importance of Money24. Flirting25. Acquiescing to Bullies26. Decorating Your Office Like Your Living Room27. Feeding Others28. Offering a Limp Handshake29. Being Financially Insecure30. Helping

How You Act

Discussion Topics Telling the truth to an inappropriate

degree Most people really don’t care about the

intimate details of your personal life Things you share can be used against you

later…like not dealing well with stress may prevent you from getting an assignment in the future

Unconscious Mistake #21: Sharing Too Much Personal Information

Coaching Tips Be selective about the personal information you

share and with whom you share it It can backfire into appearing too secretive or

dishonest…sharing appropriate amounts enable others to see the human side of you

Use “I have an appointment/meeting/commitment” vs. explaining the dirty details

Be honest but be brief◦ “I’m going through a rough time right now but my job is

important to me. I’ll work on paying closer attention to the details.”

Unconscious Mistake #21: Sharing Too Much Personal Information

Discussion Topics Women frequently want to create a warm,

comfortable setting Creating a home like workspace can work

against you Balance between a space that has nothing

(too cold) and a space that has too much Emphasizing your femininity can diminish

credibility

Unconscious Mistake #26: Decorating Your Office Like Your Living Room

Coaching Tips Décor should be consistent with the culture you

work in Tasteful and understated Choose accessories that reflect your personality

without overly emphasizing the feminine side of you

Keep your visible work space neat and clean; conveys the impression of being organized and on top of things

Unconscious Mistake #26: Decorating Your Office Like Your Living Room

Discussion Topics It’s part of that first impression and says

something about you before opening your mouth

You do want your handshake to convey the message, ◦ “I’m someone to be taken seriously.”

Don’t forget solid eye contact

Unconscious Mistake #28: Offering a Limp Handshake

Coaching Tips Let’s practice with your neighbor! V to V Offer your hand first; it’s a sign of confidence

Unconscious Mistake #28: Offering a Limp Handshake

31. Making Miracles32. Taking Full Responsibility33. Obediently Following Instructions34. Viewing Men in Authority as Father Figures35. Limiting Your Possibilities36. Ignoring the Quid Pro Quo37. Skipping Meetings38. Putting Work Ahead of Your Personal Life39. Letting People Waste Your Time40. Prematurely Abandoning Your Career Goals41. Ignoring the Importance of Network Relationships42. Refusing Perks43. Making Up Negative Stories44. Striving for Perfection

How You Think

Discussion Topics Lose the notion that meetings are

supposed to be valuable, interesting or worth your time

See Mistake #6 (Being Naïve) Lose the inclination to stay at your desk

and work all the time Meetings are to see and be seen, to

network, to show and tell

Unconscious Mistake #37: Skipping Meetings

Coaching Tips Don’t skip meetings USE meetings to showcase, network, build

relationships Figure out a way to be included, invited Offer to present

Unconscious Mistake #37: Skipping Meetings

Discussion Topics Go Ahead-Waste My Day…Do I have this

written on my forehead? Your time is one of the most precious

commodities you have...once it’s gone, you never get it back

Biggest time waster for women…wanting to please everyone and not be able to say no

Unconscious Mistake #39: Letting People Waste Your Time

Coaching Tips Differentiate when people NEED to talk verses

when the WANT to talk Repeat after me:

◦ “You know, I would love to talk more but I’m on a tight schedule today. How about if we continue this conversation tomorrow?”

Use tricks of time management, like keeping a (neat) pile of papers on the extra chairs in your office; not putting your pencil down when someone walks in; answering your phone, voice mail, email only during certain times of the day

Unconscious Mistake #39: Letting People Waste Your Time

Discussion Topics Common with our female students We go there when we feel insecure or less

than competent (imposter syndrome) Limits you personally and professionally if

you are known as someone that can’t let go of the small stuff

Unconscious Mistake #44: Striving for Perfection

Coaching Tips Ask for feedback Relinquish the need to be seen as perfect

and settle for being human Ask yourself

◦ “Is this a valuable use of my time?”

Unconscious Mistake #44: Striving for Perfection

45. Failing to Define Your Brand46. Minimizing Your Work or Position47. Using Only Your Nickname or First Name48. Waiting to Be Noticed49. Refusing High Profile Assignments50. Being Modest51. Staying in Your Safety Zone52. Giving Away Your Ideas53. Working in Stereotypical Roles or Departments54. Ignoring Feedback55. Being Invisible

How You Brand and Market Yourself

Discussion Topics Call attention to the ways your strengths

play to the requirements of the work Sell yourself Don’t be modest Forget the notion that all your hard work

will get noticed See #6 again

Unconscious Mistake #48: Waiting to Be Noticed

Coaching Tips Talk about opportunities out loud and make

your wishes known Let people know you are ready for the next

challenge Continually showcase your achievements in

subtle ways – monthly accomplishment reports, best practices

Unconscious Mistake #48: Waiting to Be Noticed

Discussion Topics Giving away ideas erodes your self-

respect, self-confidence Find ways to SELL your ideas Don’t whisper your ideas Don’t be afraid of appear selfish,

territorial, etc.

Unconscious Mistake #52: Giving Away Your Ideas

Coaching Tips Take a risk and voice your idea Speak loudly enough to be heard If someone proposed the same thing you

did, say something like…◦ “It sounds like you’re building on my original

suggestion and I would certainly support that.” Get in the habit of asking a question after

expressing an idea…◦ “My recommendation is to implement…. Are there

any objections to getting to work on this immediately?”

Unconscious Mistake #52: Giving Away Your Ideas

Discussion Topics Take the lead It’s ok to be in the spotlight Volunteer to present Market your brand (yourself)

Unconscious Mistake #55: Being Invisible

Coaching Tips Submit a proposal to present at a

conference Write articles Seize the opportunity to present to

managers Voice your ideas Stand for office and get involved

Unconscious Mistake #55: Being Invisible

56. Couching Statements as Questions57. Using Preambles58. Explaining59. Asking Permission60. Apologizing61. Using Minimizing Words62. Using Qualifiers63. Not Answering the Question64. Talking Too Fast65. The Inability to Speak the Language of Your Business66. Using Non-words67. Using Touchy-Feely Language68. The Sandwich69. Speaking Softly70. Speaking at a Higher-than-Natural Pitch71. Trailing Voice Mails72. Failing to Pause or Reflect Before Responding

How You Sound

Discussion Topics Examples:

◦ “What would you think if we…?”◦ “Have you considered…?”

Often used to avoid sounding too direct or too pushy

By asking a question rather than making a statement, we relinquish ownership of it and the outcomes for our ideas

Unconscious Mistake #56: Couching Statements as Questions

Coaching Tips Start making statements Save questions for those times you

legitimately need information or are interested in someone’s opinion

Put ideas out in the affirmative Add “I’m interested in your thoughts”

Unconscious Mistake #56: Couching Statements as Questions

Discussion Topics Counterpoint to the preamble Undermines the point made Used in fear of having not been complete or

thorough enough – to be “perfect” we keep on talking

Done in an effort to get feedback Done to overcompensate for insecurity

Unconscious Mistake #58: Explaining

Coaching Tips Shorten explanations by 50-75 percent Once you’ve gotten to your point, follow up

with no more than 2 or 3 pieces of supporting information…then stop

Resist the internal message that says, “incomplete”

Unconscious Mistake #58: Explaining

Discussion Topics Variation on asking questions to play it

safe Diminishes stature and relegates one to

the position of a child Less likely to be viewed as a confident risk

taker You are entitled to take independent

action within a given set of boundaries

Unconscious Mistake #59: Asking Permission

Coaching Tips Inform others of your intentions; don’t ask

for permission Assume equality Assume that if people have a problem with

what you’re saying, they’ll let you know If using affirmative declarations is difficult,

soften your message with a follow-up phrase

Unconscious Mistake #59: Asking Permission

73. Smiling Inappropriately74. Taking Up too Little Space75. Using Gestures Inconsistent with Your Message76. Being Over or Under Animated77. Tilting Your Head78. Wearing Inappropriate Makeup79. Wearing the Wrong Hairstyle80. Dressing Inappropriately81. Sitting on Your Foot82. Grooming In Public83. Sitting in Meetings with Your Hands under the Table84. Wearing Your Reading Glasses Around Your Neck85. Accessorizing Too Much86. Failing to Maintain Eye Contact

How You Look

Discussion Topics Have you ever seen a man do this? Ever?

In a meeting? Conveys the impression of being a little

girl rather than a professional woman It may be cute, but it’s not professional

Unconscious Mistake #81: Sitting on Your Foot

Coaching Tips It’s a simple fix: sit with both feet on the

ground, knees together PAY ATTENTION to your body language;

being “grounded” requires both feet on the ground

Unconscious Mistake #81: Sitting on Your Foot

Discussion Topics Meetings are not the same as the dinner

table Observe how men sit at the meeting table How do you sit? Where are your hands?

Elbows? Feet? See #81

Unconscious Mistake #83: Sitting in Meetings with Your Hands under the Table

Coaching Tips Lean forward slightly (this shows interest)

resting your forearms on the table with hand lightly clasped

Bonus Tips: When possible, choose your seat next to

the most powerful person in the room Don’t be afraid to sit at the head of the

table

Unconscious Mistake #83: Sitting in Meetings with Your Hands under the Table

87. Internalizing Messages88. Believing Others Know More than You89. Taking Notes, Getting Coffee, and Making Copies90. Tolerating Inappropriate Behavior91. Exhibiting Too Much Patience92. Accepting Dead-End Assignments93. Putting the Needs of Others Before Your Own94. Denying Your Power95. Allowing Yourself to Be the Scapegoat96. Accepting the Fait Accompli97. Permitting Others’ Mistakes to Inconvenience You98. Being the Last to Speak99. Playing the Gender Card100. Tolerating Sexual Harassment101. Crying

How You Respond

Discussion Topics Frequently find ourselves in positions where

our needs come second Taking care of children, parents, spouses Do you do anything to perpetuate this? In the workplace, this manifests when there

are limited funds, perks or opportunities We want to play fair, be kind We lower our expectations Can you see a male colleague doing this?

Unconscious Mistake #93: Putting the Needs of Others Before Your Own

Coaching Tips Know what you want, by asking/reflecting

frequently Stop each DAY and spend 20-30 minutes doing

something for YOURSELF Learn to negotiate; people who ask for more, get

more Avoid giving in because it’s easier or you don’t

want to make waves You are NOT being selfish to have your needs met Make sure you have a life OUTSIDE of work

Unconscious Mistake #93: Putting the Needs of Others Before Your Own

Discussion Topics Those who speak early and often are seen as

more credible, greater risk takers, and possessing more leadership potential than those who speak later

The longer you wait to speak, the more likely it is that someone else will say what you’re thinking – and get credit for it

Unconscious Mistake #98: Being the Last to Speak

Coaching Tips In a group, be among the first two or three

people to speak and speak every ten to fifteen minutes thereafter

If you can’t be among the first to speak, make sure you are not the last

You don’t always have to give an opinion when you speak

Unconscious Mistake #98: Being the Last to Speak

Thank you!

Questions/Comments