Always Sunny - Frank Goes All Out for Pinks

8/3/2019 Always Sunny - Frank Goes All Out for Pinks

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Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"Frank Goes All Out for Pinks"

Written By: Adam Schreck

WGA# 1399034 [email protected] Copyright 2010 phone: 202.329.8009

adam schreck5717 N. Fairfax Drive Arlington, VA 22205


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COLD OPEN

TITLE: 3:15 pm

TITLE: On a Thursday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:

MAC (V.O.)No way dude. I dont care if youreStretch Armstrong, its justimpossible.

FADE IN:

INT. PADDYS PUB

Mac and Dennis are drinking.

DENNISI dont know, Im telling you, I

was that close and I havent triedyoga or counter-weights yet.

Charlie enters.

MACWell Ive tried everything.Everything . Charlie, tell him its

impossible to blow yourself.CHARLIE

Oh yeah, corn-doggin, itsimpossible.

DENNIS/MACWhat?

CHARLIECorn-doggin?

DENNISYeah!

CHARLIEOh, come on, dont tell me youvenever heard of corn-doggin?

Slack-jawed stares from Dennis and Mac.


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2.

CHARLIECorn-doggin! Come on!

DENNISWell obviously weve heard of theaction--

Frank enters and goes to the bar for a draft. He wears oldclothes, has a grease rag and sets down an oil can.

MACBut where did you get that name?

CHARLIECorn-doggin?

FRANKOh! I love corn-doggin! In fact,its been way too long since Ivegotten the dog on.

Frank starts to position himself, he uses bar stools forleverage.

Dee enters.

DEEWhats up dick steaks?

MACFranks gonna blow himself.

DEE

(dead pan)Of course he is.

Frank is now trying to corn-dog in earnest.

DEELook, I know we dont stand tall onceremony around here, but willsomeone please stop my father from blowing himself in the middle ofthe bar?

MACWhats your problem?

Frank topples out of the chair rig.

FRANKOh shit! I think I threw out myback!


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3.

CHARLIE Are you okay dude?

FRANKNo! When I was under the hood of my63 Ford Galaxy--

MACThats a classic!

DEE Actually, the 260hp V-8 engine that

first shipped was wayunderpowered--

Frank struggles to his feet, holding his back. He and Macignore Dee.

FRANK

(to Mac)Yeah, I know. We used to gocruising all the time.

DEEOh yeah! Me too! In high school we

would hang--

MAC(to Frank)

Thats amazing!

FRANK

(to Mac)I had a sick ride, come on, Illshow you!

Frank and Mac exit. Dee stares after them, incredulous.

EXT. PADDYS

A weathered Ford Galaxy sits by the curb.

MACWow! This is awesome Frank!

FRANKI know. I cant wait to get it backon the strip!

MACBack on the strip? What for?


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4.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

Title: "Frank Goes All Out for Pinks"

Title: "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia"

FADE IN:

INT. PADDYS - CONTINUOUS

DENNISIf only you could breach those lastfew inches.

CHARLIE Ah, the dreams of mere men.

DENNISI wouldnt ever leave the house,you know, just put Mr. Chengsdelivery on speed dial, assume theposition, and there you go.

DEEUm, yeah. Im gonna go in the backnow and punch myself repeatedly inthe stomach.

She exits.

CHARLIEHey! Wait! Ive got it!

DENNISWhat?

CHARLIEHypnotism!

DENNISI think youre misunderstandingsomething here Charlie, I want toenjoy the act, to relish it, and inorder for that to happen--and tell

me if Im moving too fast here foryou buddy--you have to actually beconscious. Thats kind of the pointof the whole thing.


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5.

CHARLIENo, I know that. But usinghypnotism, we can sub-consciouslyplace a trigger, a mechanical, intothe body-

DENNISI think you mean mechanism.

CHARLIEYeah, right, a mechanic. We canplace a merchant into the body andthat will serve as a sub-consciouscue, it will allow ones self torelax further and reach those lastcouple of inches.

DENNISNo, no, wait. (beat)

Your ignorant butchering of theEnglish language aside, you may beon to something here. But werethinking way too small. If we canget this hypnosis thing to work,

why would sit around all dayboffing ourselves?

Charlie stares at him.

DENNISCharlie, if we can hypnotize

people, or, more specifically,beautiful women, we can get them todo anything we want, right?

Charlie stares at him.

DENNIS And if we can get hotties to do

anything we want...

CHARLIEOh yeah! Then we can get them to doall kinds of stuff! Like kiss us orgive us massages or wash our hairor geek chickens or--

DENNISWait wait wait. What?


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CHARLIEWhat?

DENNISWhat did you say at the end there?Do what to chickens?

CHARLIEOh yeah, you know, geek chickens.

DENNISNo, I dont know.

CHARLIELike geek chickens, bite the headsoff chickens.

DENNISWhat? What in the world are you

talking about?CHARLIE

Oh sure, back when carnies wouldtravel around in sideshows, the one

who would bite the heads offchickens was called a geek. A chicken geek.

Dennis stares at him.

CHARLIEWhat? What-what what?

DENNISWell, I was thinking more along thelines of having sex with women, butif youd rather see them bite theheads off chickens, more power toyou bro. Everybodys got theirthing.

INT. GARAGE - LATER

MACOkay, before we hit the strip,Frank, are you listening?

Frank enters. Hes shirtless and sports a leather jacketfeaturing a tough King Emperor penguin. The penguin wields achain. "Penguins" is emblazoned underneath the mascot.


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7.

FRANK Ah, this is gonna be great! Were

gonna go cruisin and chug Pabstand listen to doo-wop and get intochain fights and all kinds of goodshit!

MACFrank! What the hell is this,"Happy Gays?"

Frank grabs a wrench and starts singing.

FRANK(in the style of The Penguins)

"Earth angel, earth angel - Willyou be mine? - My darling dearLove you all the time--"

Mac yanks the wrench from Franks hand and throws it at atool bench, it careens off loudly.

FRANKJesus Mac!

MACLook, I know its been a whilesince youve been on the scene, butthings have changed. This aint nocake walk no more!

FRANK

Whats changed?MAC

Well, first off, lose the jacket.

FRANKNo way man. This is from the days

when the penguins ruled the EastSide. The whip (motions to car)dont go nowhere without thejacket.

MACOkay okay fine. But its not likeit used to be Frank.

FRANKI know. Pabst isnt the beer ofchoice anymore. People think itsrat piss.


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MAC Actually, hipsters and wannabes

have been drinking overpriced Pabstfor years now. No, listen to me,Im trying to tell you--

FRANKYou dont know what youre talkingabout Mac. We used to get intochain fights!

Frank grabs a chain from a work bench, brandishes it andstarts swinging it around.

FRANKChain fights Mac! I can handle

myself.

Frank shows off his moves, Mac stays well out of the way.

MACYeah, well, whatever. But now itsall ethnic and multicultural andshit. Like a Mickey Deescommercial. And thefast-and-furious scene is run bythe Chicanos and the Asians.

FRANKWhat about the Slavs?

MAC

What? Never mind. Look, you have toknow the code, the lingua franca ofthe streets.

Frank slams down the chain.

FRANKThats bullshit! I just want torace!

Mac takes Frank by the shoulders.

MACFrank, do you want to go all outfor pinks or not?

FRANKOf course I do!


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9.

MACOkay, well, the first thing we needto do is make some changes.

FRANKLike what?

MACJust leave that to me my friend.

INT. PADDYS BACK OFFICE - LATER

Charlie wears a pince-nez and top-hat. He holds aVictorian-era book on mesmerism and regularly looks at anillustration demonstrating the procedure. A chicken is cagedin the corner.

Charlie rhythmically sways an egg back and forth in front of

Dennis, who watches him dubiously.CHARLIE

I want you to relax, just relax andfollow the egg. Remember back to abetter time, a happier time, whenyou would sit in your coop, waitingfor the feed to come, and then thefarmer appeared, and youd justcoo--

DENNISWhat the hell are you talking

about?CHARLIE

(upset) Are you gonna let me do this? Or

are you gonna get all book-learninand Spanish Inquisitorin andPhDin on me?

DENNISIm sorry.

CHARLIEYou know, this isnt easy. Im trying to do the thing with thehypnotics and the poultry andyoure just sitting there lookingat me like, like, I dont know

what, and, and--are you gonna let me do this or not?


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DENNISYes, of course.

CHARLIEBecause youre not letting me dothis. And if you dont let me--

DENNISGet on with it!

CHARLIEFine. Now. As I was saying, youresitting in a nice, warm coop.

As Charlie talks his eyes follow the rhythmic movement ofthe egg.

CHARLIE And things were so much simpler

then, on the farm, back before allthe flying machines and poliovaccines and reading and confusionand reading and what not--

DENNISLook, this isnt working. Charlie?Charlie?!

Charlies in a trance.

DENNISOh my God.

Dennis snaps his fingers at Charlie.

DENNISHoly shit. Charlie? Charlie, canyou hear me?

No response.

Dee enters.

DEEWhats going on?

DENNISShhh! Charlies hypnotized!

DEEWhat?


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11.

DENNISWell, we were practicing hypnotism on each other--

DEEWhy?

DENNISSo we could use hypnotic suggestionto bend the will of others to doour bidding.

DEEGotcha.

DENNIS And all of a sudden, next thing I

know, Charlies hypnotized himself.

The chicken clucks. Dennis and Dee look at the chicken, lookat Charlie, and then look at each other.

EXT. FRANKS GARAGE - THE NEXT DAY

Mac opens the garage door, revealing his handiwork. The caris now some strange hybrid of a pimped roadster and Mexicanhat-dance-mobile; its covered with reckless bling andrunner lights. Its labeled "Speedy Gonzalez" and has mouseflair on the front grill.

It is the chalup-ty.

FRANKWhat the hell did you do to myride?!

MACI pimped it!

FRANKMore like prostituted it. It lookslike Minnie Mouse and the Taco Bellchihuahua had a bastard and this is

what came out!

MACFrank, Frank, Frank. Trust me, thisis gonna give us all kinds ofstreet cred.


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FRANKYou think so?

MACTrust me.

INT. PADDYS - DAY

Dee, Dennis and Charlie wear athletic gear. A basketballrests atop the bar, Dee drapes her arm over it.

CHARLIE(unclear to who)

No way are you gonna win again.

DEEPlease. Whens the last time youbeat me?

Charlie ducks the question.

CHARLIEMan! I cant believe the hypnotism thing didnt work.

DENNISYeah, its drag alright. Hey,Charlie, do me a favor, will youlook at this for a minute, I thinktheres something wrong with thisegg.

Dennis pulls an egg out of his pocket.

CHARLIEWhat? What are you talking about?Come on, we dont have time forthis--

DENNISYeah. I know. Shh. Look at thisegg. Shh.

CHARLIEMan, youre weird. Okay, whatever.

DENNISThats right.

Dennis sways the egg in front of Charlies eyes.


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DENNISLook at the egg Charlie, and thinkback to a better time, a time whenthe hen house was warm and there

were no wolves or books or flyingvaccines or polio machines orreadings to worry about.

Dennis snaps his fingers and Charlies head goes limp.

Dennis lays a loincloth/adult diaper garment on the bar infront of Charlie. Dennis and Dee quickly start changingclothes.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - DAY

Mac and Frank pull up.

Three Latinos, MANNY, ANTONIO and SILENT JOSE, take inFranks chalup-ty. They lean against a nice ride thatsanything but street legal, casually flirting with twoBEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

Frank, wearing his Rob Halford-cum-Fonzie get up, rolls downthe window.

FRANKHey. Were two loco gringos lookingfor some action.

MANNY

(eyeing Franks queer outfit)Um, what kind of action exactly?

FRANKYou know. Some street action.

MANNYSome street action?

FRANKYeah, you know, some street action.

ANTONIOLike a gay pride parade?

FRANKNo, were looking for something alittle more reckless, somethingfurther off the beaten path.


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MANNYLike an anything-goes bathhouse?

Mac, in the passenger seat, leans over to Frank. He wears aponcho, sombrero and Pancho Villa mustache.

MAC(To Frank)

I told you they wouldnt know what were talking about.

FRANKShut up!

MACThe lingua franca! The code of thestreets! We have to use theirlanguage!

Mac thumbs an English to Spanish dictionary.

MACUmm, hollah, no, I mean..."Holaamigos"! (pronouncing the "h")

They look at him.

MACMe and my ese were hoping to findsome fast-moving street action, a(looks at dictionary) "cuarto de

milla" where we can put down someserious paper.

Mac pulls the car title and a pink slip out of the glovecompartment and waves them.

Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose look at Franks car.

ANTONIOIn that?

MANNYIts a chalup-ty!

Manny and his crew laugh.

FRANK(frustrated)

Its not a chalup-ty! This thing will crush! Look, were just a

couple of restless hombres lookingto go all out for pinks.


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MANNYOh, well, why didnt you say so?Tell you what, you come back herein a couple of hours and Iguarantee you youll find theaction youre looking for.

MACReally? It wont even be dark then.Isnt that an odd time?

ANTONIOYeah, we do it then so the fuzzdont catch on. You know, weresticking it to the man. The fuzz.

FRANKOh, yeah, right. The fuzz.

MANNY/ANTONIO

The fuzz!They laugh heartily. A little too heartily. Silent Josesmiles widely.

MAC/FRANKThe fuzz!

Mac and Frank laugh too, forcing it.

They all laugh along for a bit. Mac and Frank dont know whytheyre laughing so long and hard, but they keep pace.

Suddenly, Manny and his crew stop. Mac and Frank bite offtheir laughter.

ANTONIO(harshly)

We hate the fuzz man!

MACOh, we hate the fuzz too chico!Theyre always running us down.

MANNYWell, I dont know if were readyto get into the mix with somelawless speedsters like you.

FRANKToo late! Weve already got theinfo! And soon were going to haveyour wheels and your chicas too!


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MAC Arrivederci pesos!

Frank tries to lay rubber as they pull out.

It doesnt work.

MACNo dude, youve got to pop theclutch!

FRANKIt doesnt have a clutch you shit-heel.

Mac fusses at the steering console.

MACWell then try--

FRANKI know, I know! Just leave mealone!

Mac re-doubles his effort, Frank swipes his hand away andfinally drops the car into gear, sending them offerratically.

MACSayonara suckas!

EXT. UPSCALE OUTDOOR SHOPPING MALL - LATERDennis is dressed as a carnival barker, complete withtop-hat, cane and cape. He stands on a stage labeled "TheMissing Link." Chickens peck around a yard enclosed bychicken wire.

Dee, awkwardly, plays the stage candy. She wears a sequinedone-piece that looks like it was picked up at a Victorian-Era pawn shop.

Nearby, PETA PROTESTERS picket a high-end department storefor selling furs.

DENNISLadies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, men and women, ladies andgentleboys! Throughout time, thecosmos has presented us withinfinitestinal--


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DEEThats infinitesimal.

As Dennis snake-oil pitch ramps up, a handful of PETA protesters walk over, distastefully noticing the chickens.

DENNIS--infinite mysteries. EasterIsland. The Bermuda Triangle. TheLos Angeles Clippers. That wholething that happened with thedinosaurs dying and--

Some women, obviously from the SOCCER MOM SET and outshopping, watch tensely. They clutch purchases and keepTHEIR KIDS under close watch, unsure of what theyre seeing.

DEEJurassic park!

DENNIS--extinction stuff. But throughoutthe ages, perhaps nothing hasshocked, appalled and baffled manso much as the "missing link!"

The full contingent of PETA protesters now watch Dennis.

DENNISNow, for the first time ever inPhiladelphia, I give you--

Dennis and Dee sweep back the curtain revealing Charlie,

dirty, dazed and disheveled.DENNIS

The missing link--the chicken geek!

Charlie wears the loincloth/adult diaper garment. He blinkshis eyes, blinks his eyes--and then starts chasing chickenslike a rabid animal.

The PETA protesters howl in anger, attacking Dee, Dennis andCharlie with their picket signs.

PETA PROTESTER 1The humanity! How could you!

PETA PROTESTER 2...if some diapered man tried tobite off your head!

The soccer moms frantically protect their children andvaluable purchases, while taking swipes at Dennis and Dee.


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Chaos ensues. Charlie continues chasing chickens, at timesgetting confused and trying to geek the protesters andsoccer moms. This sends them into wilder paroxysms.

DENNIS(fends off blows)

Come on! Were just entertainers!

DEE(fends off blows)

Like Lady Gaga!

DENNIS(fends off blows)

Or Katie Couric! Were innocents!

PETA PROTESTER 1...report you to the SPCA!Horrible, horrible people!

A LITTLE BOY is chasing chickens with Charlie.

SOCCER MOMBilly! Billy! No! Do not geek thenice chicken!

DEE(fends off blows)

No! Wait! You dont understand-

PETA PROTESTER 2Bob Barker would kick your ass!

Dennis and Dee flee. Charlie follows, occasionallysidetracked by an errant chicken.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - LATER

BOYS line up bicycles for a downhill race. Mac and Frankpull up in the chalup-ty. Doo-wop plays on the radio. Frankchugs beer.

FRANKI think we can take em.

MACCome on, lets get out of here.


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INT. PADDYS - LATER

Dee, Dennis and Charlie enter, still in costume and the worse for wear. Charlie, still hypnotized, gnaws a stringy

chicken neck. His body is marked by chicken droppings,feathers and corn feed.

DEEPeople just dont appreciate

wholesome entertainment anymore,you know?

DENNISI know sister! I mean, what morecould you want than a goodold-timey geek show?

Charlie pecks at something on the floor.

DEE

(re: Charlie)What about him?

DENNISOh, this is the best part. Watchthis.

Dennis pulls out an egg.

DENNIS(to Charlie)

Meckah-leckah-hi meckah H.L.Mencken, I now de-mesmerize you

from the clucking chicken!Charlie comes to.

CHARLIEWhoa. What the--

He spits out the chicken neck.

CHARLIEBlech!! Why do I look like this?Uggh. Theres, like, some kind offeed all over me. And poopy things!

Charlie peels off chicken feathers and detritus. Dennis andDee glance at each other nervously.

DEEOh, yeah, dont sweat that, justthe usual. You know, I was whoopingyour ass on the court again--


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CHARLIEBut youre not wearing basketballclothes, and you (to Dennis) looklike Doug Henning--

DEE--and we worked up such an appetiteplaying that when we went by Ms.Tootsies you started eating allthe fried chicken--

DENNIS (OVER)--and everything else--

DEE (OVER)--everything else--

DENNIS--in sight.

Charlie looks down at his tattered loincloth, then back atDee and Dennis, questioningly.

DEEOh, yeah, and, um...then youstarted taking off your clothes--

DENNIS--and rubbing small vermindroppings--

DEE--and feathers all over yourself.

DENNIS/DEEYeah!

Awkward silence.

CHARLIEI dont remember any of that.

(beat)Whatever dudes. Im gonna getcleaned up.

Charlie exits.

DENNISSo why dont people like it?

DEEOh, I dont know. Maybe they dont

want to see a man bite the head offa live chicken.


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DENNISNo, no, that cant be it. I think

we need to find the right audience,get the right crowd.

DEEOne that appreciates violence andchickens?

DENNISYes. Exactly. One that appreciatesviolence and chickens. Hmmmm...

Frank and Mac enter. Frank still has on his penguins jacket.

DEE(to Frank) Whoa! Hell bent forleather! Whats up Judas Priest?

FRANKGive me a Pabst dammit!

DENNIS(to Frank) Macho macho man! I wantto be, a macho man!

FRANK(noticing their attire)

And whats with you two?

DEENothing. Absolutely nothing.

FRANKHey, how long do I have to wait toget a drink in my own bar? Wheres

my Pabst?

DEEWhoa. Who crapped your hat rack?

Dee gets Frank a beer.

MACHes bummed because we haventfound a place to go all out forpinks.

DEESo no luck on Broad?


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FRANK/MACWhat?

DEEOh, yeah. Broad street. Thats

where the real shit goes down. I was down there all the time in

high-school.

MACOh my God! You know where to go?

FRANKWhy didnt you say somethingsooner?

Dee stares at them.

MAC

Shit Dee! Weve been running aroundin circles!

FRANKGoddammit!

DEEDont you remember in high school

when I dated Manny "Manifold"Morales?

(gets sidetracked)Hmmm, I wonder what ever happenedto that guy...

DENNIS(to Dee)

Okay. So. The Missing Link. Whatnow?

MACThe Missing Link?

DEEI dont know what youre gonna do,but Im done. That little scene was

more than enough for me.

FRANKWhat little scene?

MACYeah, whats going on?


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DENNISIts nothing, just a side project

we were doing with Char--

Charlie enters with a distasteful look.

CHARLIEIve got this strange taste in my

mouth, I cant quite place it. Itslike rot--

MAC (INT.)Well. Finally. Now maybe we can getto the bottom of--

DENNIS (INT.)(to Charlie)

Look buddy, I feel bad after shedestroyed you on the court--again.

What if I buy you dinner?CHARLIE

Really?

FRANKWait, arent you going to tell us

what--

Dennis moves Charlie towards the exit.

DENNIS (INT.)Sure. Its the least I can do. I

know the perfect spot.CHARLIE

One with corn-dogs? And pudding?

DENNIS Absolutely!

Dennis shoves Charlie out the front door.

DENNISDee?

DEENo, Im out. I think Im gonna headdown to Broad with theseturd-lickers and re-live some of myglory days.


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INT. CHALUP-TY, EN ROUTE TO BROAD STREET

Frank drives, Mac rides shotgun, Dees in the backseat.

FRANKMan! Its been way too long. I needto get into the right frame of mindfor dragging.

He turns on the radio. "The Great Pretender" by the Plattersfills the car.

FRANKBeer me.

Dee passes up Pabst.

DEEYeah!

MACNow were talking!

FRANKThats the stuff! Heres todoo-wop!

MAC(holding up the can)

And po-mo hipsters!

Beers are popped. Genial revelry ensues.

DEEI wonder if Ill run into old Mannythe "Manifold" down here.

As Dee muses about her Latin lover, Mac puts on his ponchoand sombrero.

DEEBoy, Manny sure knew how to handlehis clutch...and so much more.

Mac affixes his mustache.

DEEOh my God. What are you doing?

MACUm, getting ready to drag.


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DEEWith who? Pancho Villa?

MACWhat? Who?

DEEJeez, no wonder you clowns couldntfind any action. Asshole mosquitobrains.

FRANKCome on Dee! All this negativeenergy is bringing me down.

MACYeah, we need to be in a good placeto drag.

DEE

Okay, okay.Frank starts singing the "Great Pretender."

FRANK"Oh yes Im the great pretenderJust laughing and gay like a clown;I seem to be what Im not..."

EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - DUSK

Dennis leads Charlie along the sidewalk. Charlie lugs a

large, antiquated cargo trunk. Its labeled "The MissingLink." Dennis compares the street addresses to one he has written on a piece of scrap paper.

CHARLIEDennis, I appreciate your offer totreat, but I didnt know haulingthis trunk was part of the deal.

DENNISCome on Charlie, youve got to worka little bit. Theres no such thingin life as a free meal.

CHARLIE And I know I dont have caviar

tastes, but are you sure theres aplace to eat around here thats notcondemned?

A nearby gunshot punctuates Charlies question.


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DENNIS Absolutely. Ah! Here we go!

Dennis steps over a passed-out derelict, still clutching aDrano bottle. He turns down an alley. Charlie follows.

At the end of the alley a dingy sign, "Cluckin ChickenCockfights," clings to an old fence. A DEFEATED COCK OWNERexits. As he leaves, the din inside can be heard.

DENNIS(to self)

Perfect.

CHARLIEUm, Dennis?

DENNISYep, here we are.

Dennis motions to the sign.

DENNISSimones Chicken Shack!

Charlie looks at the sign.

CHARLIE(approvingly)

Oh yeah, Simones, Ive heard aboutthis place.

Dennis looks for the best place to put the Missing Linkstage.

DENNISRated by the city guide as one ofthe best places around for real,down-home cooking.

CHARLIEGreat. Im starving.

Dennis finds a suitable location for the stage. He directsCharlie.

DENNISPut that trunk down, there. Okay.Great. Now, before we go in, ifyoull sit down real quick--

Dennis guides Charlie to the trunk and pulls out an egg.


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CHARLIEOh come on dude, not this stupidegg stuff again. Man, whats withyou! Come on, lets go!

DENNISShhh, just a minute...

Dennis sways the egg in front of Charlies eyes.

EXT. BROAD STREET - SAME TIME

A bustling scene right out of the Fast and Furious . Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose are among DOZENS OF DRIVERS and

cars.

As Frank, Dee and Mac pull up in the chalup-ty, theycrescendo together at the end of "Great Pretender."

MAC/FRANK/DEE"... Im wearing my heart like acrown; Pretending that youre stillaround!"

All street action stops.

The doors open as the final notes die. Empty beer cans spillout of the car.

Everyone looks at the chalup-ty and its occupants.

Mac gets out, fumbling with his poncho.MAC

Hola! (pronounces the h)

Silence.

MACWere here to go all out for pinks!

Silence.

Dee climbs out of the back seat.

MANNYDee? Dee Reynolds?

DEEManifol--I mean--Manny! How areyou?


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29.

MANNYYou mean you want to race your car,that thing--

ANTONIOThe chalup-ty!

MANNYRight. The chalup-ty. Against mine?

MAC/FRANKYes!

MANNY And, to make sure were absolutely

crystal clear about this, whoever wins gets the losers car?

FRANK

Yes!MANNY

(beat)Tell me, why would I even want thatthing?

FRANKSo, are you saying youre scared?That you wont race me? That youknow Speedy G will take you?

EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUSThe cockfights end. A good-sized crowd exits, some carryingchickens. The crowd is clearly more receptive, andhard-edged, than the earlier group Dennis pitched.

DENNISLadies and gentleman, boys andgirls, gentleboys and--

RESTLESS CROWD MEMBERGet on with it!

DENNISOh! My! Mercy! Obviously you dontappreciate the subtleties of mastershowmanship.


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EXT. BROAD STREET - CONTINUOUS

(SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Dee stands in front of the chalup-ty and Mannys car. Theyidle. Frank and Mac are in the chalup-ty; Manny, Antonio andSilent Jose are in Mannys car. Manny revs his engine. Itroars like a lion. Frank revs his engine. It wheezes like asick giraffe.

Dee raises a white handkerchief over her head.

EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS

(SIMULTANEOUSLY)

RESTLESS CROWD MEMBER #2Come on already!

DENNISPlease! If youll humor me for justa minute! Allow me to set thestage. Now, ages ago--

A crazed METH-HEAD jumps on-stage, threatening Dennis with arusty pipe.

METH-HEADParty dance show! Now! Bongos!

DENNIS

Okay! Well then, without anyfurther ado...the missing link--thechicken geek!

He pulls back the curtain.

EXT. BROAD STREET - CONTINUOUS

(SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Dee drops her arm and lets go of the handkerchief. It hitsthe ground. Mannys car burns rubber as it leaps from thestarting line.

The chalup-ty stalls.

FRANKShit!


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32.

FRANKThat was forty years ago! They musthave done some kind of illegal

modification to their car orsomething! I dont get it!

EXT. BROAD STREET, LAST 20 YARDS OF DRAG STRIP - CONTINUOUS

Charlie, still hypnotized, runs towards the drag strip.Dennis is right behind him. Charlie pauses briefly when hegets to the spectators lining the strip.

DENNISCharlie! No!

Dennis lunges at Charlie; tries to grab him. He misses,instead, grabbing Charlies loincloth/adult diaper garment.Charlie runs onto the strip, naked. Dennis looks at the

garment in his hand and then at Charlies fleeing backside.

INT. MANNYS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Charlie appears through the windshield.

MANNYWhat the hell?

ANTONIOIs that a naked man?

Silent Jose stares in disbelief.

INT. THE CHALUP-TY - CONTINUOUS

FRANK(motions with his hand)

Charlie! Charlie! Get out of the way!

MACIdiot!


Charlie looks down and sees that hes naked.

He begins to corn dog.

Onlookers are horrified.


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33.

EXT. BROAD STREET, BEGINNING OF RACE STRIP - CONTINUOUS

DEEWhat the...? Oh no! Corn-doggin!Oh my God!

(gagging)


MACHunh! It works!


DENNIS(emotionally)

And the hand of God reached down

unto the chosen one, bestowing thegift of gifts. Beautiful. Just,beautiful.


FRANKYes! Charlie! Treat yourself!

Frank pounds the horn in glee. "La Cucaracha" plays.

FRANK

Do it to it buddy!Frank acts like hes chowing down a corn dog.

MAC(affecting a Mexican yell)

Aiieee-leee-leee-leee!

Mac discharges imaginary pistols into the air.

FRANKMmmmm! 100% percent all-American

wiener!

INT. MANNYS CAR - CONTINUOUS

MANNYWhat the hell?


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34.

ANTONIOIs he actually...no, he cant be.Thats impossible.

Silent Jose stares in disbelief.

As Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose pass Charlie, their headsswivel in unison, trying to comprehend the sight beforetheir eyes. Manny doesnt realize hes running off course.

Onlookers flee in panic, screaming and trying to escape thevehicle.


Mac and Frank see Manny going off course.

MACFrank!

FRANKYes!

Frank drains a beer and crushes the can against his head.

FRANKYeah! USA! Penguins!

He blasts doo-wop and waddles side-to-side in his seat.

EXT. BROAD STREET, FINISH LINE, OFF COURSE - CONTINUOUS

Manny pries his eyes off Charlie just in time to see a walllooming ahead. He slams on the brakes but its toolate. They crash into the wall, the hood accordions from the impact.

EXT. BROAD STREET, FINISH LINE - CONTINUOUS

The chalup-ty crosses the finish line at about 30 mph.

Frank and Mac exit the car, Dennis and Dee run up.

DENNISYes!

DEEWow. Ive got to hand it to youFrank. I didnt think you had it inyou, but you did.


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35.

FRANKI told you guys!

They notice the smoldering wreck of Mannys car as theoccupants warily exit.

MACOh.

FRANKEnh. Whaddya gonna do, you winsome, you lose some.

Charlie comes over, trying to cover his nudity.

CHARLIE(coming to)

Um, can someone--

DENNIS (INT.)(handing Charlie his cape)Here you go buddy.

CHARLIEWhat in the world--

DENNISDont worry about all that rightnow. Its a long story.

Dennis puts his arm around Charlies shoulders, leading him away from the gang.

DENNISCharlie, I have to tell yousomething that will change ourlives forever.

FADE OUT

END OF EPISODE

Always Sunny - Frank Goes All Out for Pinks

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Transcript of Always Sunny - Frank Goes All Out for Pinks