306 a williams presentation

“A Spiritual Perspective on Forgiveness”

Presented by:Matt Williams, PCC-S, CT, CG-C

Clinical/Spiritual Director

Business First…

• Welcome• A word about…

1.Pagers, Cell Phones & Other devices.• Restroom Location.• Help yourself to more food/beverages.• The workshop (it’s yours)

Objectives

• We will define “forgiveness” in light of what it is and what it is not.

• We will discuss the “road blocks” of forgiveness.

• We will explore the mechanics of forgiveness and how to facilitate the process.

Alexander Pope18th Century English Poet

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”

Mark TwainAuthor

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has

crushed it.”

Susanne SomersActress

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”

George Herbert Welsh poet, Priest

“He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must

pass.”

A Personal Exercise

• “Facts on Forgiveness”oFirst, Do this exercise aloneoThen, in small groups share (BRIEFLY)

your thoughts on the questions.oAfter sharing time the True/False

Questions…Will be answers immediately.But the discussion of the answers will happen throughout our evening.

Reflection

• Generally Speaking:oWhat kinds of emotions do you think

people considering forgiving or not forgiving may face?

oWhat ways do you think being unable to forgive has on a person (physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, intellectually, and socially)?

Reflection

• Generally Speaking:o What kind of defense mechanisms might be at

play with people who cannot forgive?

Mental Health and Forgiveness

• Unforgiveness is considered to be a core component of stress resulting from interpersonal (me & others) or intrapersonal (within me) offenses.

• Stress = decreased mental health.• Unforgiveness may increase levels of

guilt, shame, anger, regret, etc.• Forgiveness = reduced stress + positive

adjustment.

Mental Health and Forgiveness

• Stress + mental illness + (Unforgiveness) = $80 Billion in mental health care*

• Stress + (Unforgiveness) = Increased cost of physical health care

• Physical Illness + Mental Illness = Clinicians needing to address forgiveness in their need treatment planning.

* Total cost for 1996 according to 1999 reports by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Health and Forgiveness

• A 2001 Study revealedo A correlation between reviewing hurtful

memories and the increase of stress responses (measures of stress response including Electromyography or EMG, heart rate, blood pressure)

o When subjects were encouraged to think forgiving thoughts those same measures of stress diminished.

Health and Forgiveness

• A 2003 Studyo 108 College Students replicated the 2001

Study o Similar findings were seen.

Harvard Women’s Health Watch

• The January 2005 article entitled: “5 Positive Health Effects of Forgiving” stated:

Reduces stress.Better heart health.Stronger relationships.Reduces pain.Greater Happiness.

• Article added, “…[these] have been scientifically studied.”

Research

• More research is needed to examine the benefits of forgiveness.

• Smaller studies have shown the potential health benefits of forgiveness, includingo Decreased anger and negative thoughtso Decreased anxietyo Decreased Depression and Griefo Decreased vulnerability to substance abuse

* Reported by the 2003 Grief Index

Big Deal?

• It is estimated that $276 billion is spent by industry, due to alcohol and drug abuse.*

• It is estimated that $300 billion is spent by industry due to the results of stress.*

• It’s a guess…but maybe forgiveness is needed.

Big Deal?

• “The Terrible Cost of Unforgiveness” by Larry Philip Nims, Ph.D.o Continued psychological pain.o Blocking of healthy communicationo Similar offenses by others remind us of past.o Personal Power relinquished.o Added toxic negativity in other, present

relationships.o Many, many more.

What is Forgiveness?

• “Forgiveness is an invitation to redeem failure” Doris Donnely, Learning to Forgive

• “National Treasure” [paraphrasing Thomas Edison, about invention

of light bulb] I didn't fail, I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb; I only need to find one way to make it work.

• “Forgiveness is most basically a release of our anger against someone unto God.”

Dr. Charles Kraft, Fuller Theological Seminary, Anger and Forgiveness: Reflections in the Context of Inner Healing


• “Forgiveness is One’s awareness of his/her need for restoration of self and relationships with others.”*

• Forgiveness is an emotional, cognitive, spiritual, behavioral change toward a perceived transgressor, where as the transgressor’s debt has been cancelled by the victim, which may or may not lead to reconciliation.”*

* Patricia Jenkins, R.N., M.A


• “…a gift freely given in the face of a moral wrong, without denying the wrong itself.”

• “It is relinquishing of resentment… offering goodwill to the wrongdoer.”*

* Dr. Gayle L. Reed, from the University of Wisconsin in Educational Psychology

Forgiveness is a Spiritual Issue

Forgiveness is a part of our world’s spiritual belief system.

Buddhism

• Forgiveness is a practice for removing unhealthy emotions that would otherwise cause harm to our mental well-being.

• Hatred leaves a lasting effect on our karma (”actions”) and forgiveness creates emotions with a wholesome effect.

• “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else but you are the one who gets burned” — The Buddha

• You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” — The Buddha

Judaism

• Ideally a person who has caused harm, needs to sincerely apologize, then the wronged person is religiously bound to forgive.

• However, even without an apology, forgiveness is considered a pious act (Deot 6:9).

• Teshuva (, literally “Returning”) is a way of atoning, which requires cessation of the harmful act, regret over the act, confession and repentance.

• Yom Kippur is the day of atonement when Jews particularly strive to perform teshuva.

Judaism (con’t)

• When asked by an offender for forgiveness, one should forgive with a sincere mind and a willing spirit.” — Mishneh Torah, Teshuvah 2:10

• “Who takes vengeance or bears a grudge acts like one who, having cut one hand while handling a knife, avenges himself by stabbing the other hand.” — Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim 9.4

Islam

• The word Islam is derived from the Semitic word slm meaning “peace” and forgiveness is a prerequisite for genuine peace.

• The Quran makes some allowance for violence but only to defend faith, property or life. Still forgiveness is held as the better course of action whenever possible.

• “They avoid gross sins and vice, and when angered they forgive.” (Quran 42:37).

• In terms of clemency, we find this passage: “Although the just penalty for an injustice is an equivalent retribution, those who pardon and maintain righteousness are rewarded by God. He does not love the unjust” (Qur’an 42:40).

Hinduism

• The concept of performing atonement from one's wrongdoing (Prayaschitta — Sanskrit: Penance), and asking for forgiveness is very much a part of the practice of Hinduism.

• Krishna said in the Gita that forgiveness is one of the characteristics of one born for a divine state

• An unforgiving individual defiles himself with many enormities (immoral acts).

• Righteousness is the one highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace.

Christianity

• In Christian teachings forgiveness of others plays an important role in spiritual life.

• Forgiving others is essential to receiving forgiveness from God.

• Forgiveness is equated to “turning the other cheek” and loving them that mistreat you.

Christianity (con’t)

• A beautiful expression of forgiveness and understanding is St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer:

“Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. “

The exception…New Age!

• God = You• It acknowledges many gods and goddesses. • The Earth is viewed as the source of all

spirituality, and has its own intelligence, emotions and deity.

• But superseding all is self. • Self is the originator, controller and God of all. • There is no reality outside of what the person

determines.

The exception…New Age (con’t)

• Anything negative a person experiences (failures, sadness, anger, selfishness, hurt) is considered an illusion.

• Believing themselves to be completely sovereign over their life, nothing about their life is wrong, negative or painful.

• A person, becoming a god, creates their own reality.

• So reality = no hurt + no need to forgive or be forgiven.

So…

• We know what forgiveness is…• We understand it is a cornerstone of many

world belief systems.• New Age belief says no need for

forgiveness.• But it’s not so much what forgiveness is

that gets us stuck…• IT’S WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT that

hangs us up.

What Forgiveness is NOT!

• According to Dr. David Seamands:o Overlooking the wrong that has been done.o Excusing or whitewashing the wrong that was

done.o Explaining, psychologizing what the person

has done.o Taking the blame for everything.

Forgiveness is no F.E.A.S.T.*

• F = Forgiveness is not FORGETTING • E = Forgiveness is not EXPLAINING• A = Forgiveness is not AWAITING

RESTITUTION• S = Forgiveness is not SMOTHERING• T = Forgiveness is not TRUSTING

* Dr. Doug Little, Ph.D. 11/96

What Forgiveness is not!

• Denise George in What Forgiveness Isn’t says “there are 6 myths that keep us from healing”

• Myth #1: - Forgiving means the offender didn’t really hurt you.

“Forgiveness is a redemptive response to having been wronged and wounded, [and] only those who have wronged and wounded us are candidates for forgiveness.”

-Lewis B. Smedes



• Myth #2: - Forgiving means you excuse the offender’s hurtful act.



• Myth #3 – Before forgiving, you must first understand why the offender hurt you.

Philip Yancey

“Not to forgive imprisons me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequence of the wrong.”



• Myth #4 – Before forgiving the offender, you must feel forgiving.

• It is a CHOICE!



• Myth #5: - Forgiveness means the offender will face no consequences.



• Myth #6: - When your offender is punished, you’ll find closure.

“Forgiving is a journey, sometimes a long one”

- Lewis B. Smedes

What keeps us from Forgiving?

• Misconceptions of what forgiveness is not.

• Revenge and hatred:o Blaming others for the hurt means there is no

personal responsibility.o Blame others and we become object of

sympathy and other the object of scorn.o Illusion of comfort.


• FEAR! o There may continued unwanted, irrational behavior

against me.o It’s permission and/or power to hurt us again.

• Expectations.o I need others to behave the way I want.

• Grudgeso Simply a failure to accept that we too are a part of the

situation. (Two people dancing)


• Excuses:o If I forgive then the wrongdoer escapes actions

of restitution, which I need.o Feelings that if I forgive I am a coward.o Being labeled as weak, timid, stupid.

• Too much pain that we do not want to.

Too much pain to forgive.

• Fact is…until someone is forgiven, the pain and hurt continues because we have not released ourselves from the past.

• “Forgiveness is the only way to stop the pain.” - Neil Anderson, Victory Over the Darkness


• Thinking we have when we have not (bad fruit still exists).

• Lessons of unforgiveness learned from key people in our lives.


• An Unforgiving personality o Traits of the unforgiving personality

A Negative, absent or under-developed view of the world.

Constant, unresolved hostility/anger. Repetitive reliving (sharing) of the past offense. In reliving the story, no forgiveness sharing. Increased stress and diminished health affects. Limited and diminishing social support.


• Lack of motivation• Moral Superiority

o The issue is to big to forgive.o I am entitled to be forgiven.o I am entitled to have you forgive me.o I didn’t do anything wrong.

• A faulty belief systemo Justice will not be served.

• Loss of victim status• Others?

A Forgiving Personality

• Positive Attitude/Thinking• Healthy Self-esteem• High feelings of self-worth• Quality social support• Spiritual well-being• Good communication skills• Good conflict resolution skills


• Good sense of immediacy• Healthy assertiveness• Willingness to accept responsibility• Reliving life events are covered with

GRACE.

Grace

• The Greek word for grace is “Caris.”• Means: “non-meritorious or unearned

favor, an unearned gift, freely given and never as merit for work performed.”

• It’s getting what one does not deserve.• (By the way – Mercy is not getting what

you do deserve)


• Good sense of immediacy• Healthy assertiveness• Willingness to accept responsibility• Reliving life events are covered with

GRACE.• Ego-syntonic (behaviors, feelings, values, etc all in harmony)

The “How to…”

• EDUCATE YOUR CLIENT!!! On all the following!

• First, recognize the human crisiso Am I willing to forgive?o Am I willing to be made willing to forgive?o Crisis = not easy nor an instantaneous

event.

The “How to…”

• Second, understand the “wills” of the crisis.o I “will” forgive (An act of personal

volition and obedience to God)

Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

The “How to…”


volition and obedience to God) o I “will” not hold on to old feelings (An act

of personal volition and surrender to God)

The “How to…”


volition and obedience to God) o I “will” not hold on to old feelings (An act

of personal volition and surrender to God)

o I “will” receive new feelings (gift from God)

I “will” receive new feelings!

• Express new feelings regardless if you feel them or not.

• Act on new feelings regardless if you feel them or not.

• Do what you know is right instead of waiting on the feeling.

• Feelings will come, through expression and action, and by snail mail.

The “How to…”

• Third, know the process too!oThe decision to forgive is the crisis point.oAfter the decision is made the process

begins.oThe decision to forgive may need to be

re-visited over and over.oEach time the process begins again.

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!oStage 1: HurtoStage 2: HateoStage 3: HealoStage 4: Come Together

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!oStage 1: Hurt

You’ve been hurt and like most people, you might let this fester and grow until it stifles your joy.

When that happens, you might want to celebrate for you have entered the first stage of forgiving.

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!oStage 1: Hurt

Ask a simple, probing question: "Do I want to be healed, or do I want to go on suffering from an unfair hurt lodged in my memory?

Process the event and feel the pain and other emotions.

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!oStage 2: Hate

Hate is our natural response to any deep and unfair pain.

It is our instinctive backlash against anyone who wounds us wrongly.

Hate separates us from those we should belong to. It shoves them away from us.

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!o Stage 2: Hate

There are two kinds of hate: passive and aggressive.

Passive hatred: is that little bit of malice in us that robs us of

energy to wish a person well. You don't want them dead; you just hope they

don't attain all that much success. At the very least you don't want them to do as

well as you.

The “How to…”


Aggressive hatred. This is much stronger than passive hatred.

Here you may actually wish ill will on someone else.

The “How to…”


Passive or aggressive hatred; we do not allow ourselves to wish someone well, and we devoutly wish him or her ill.

Don't confuse hatred and anger.

The “How to…”


Healthy anger can be a sign that we are alive, energize us to make things better.

Hate does not want things changed for the better; hatred goal is to make things worse.

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!oStage 3: HealoBut how…

The depths of How to…

• Neil Anderson’s “Twelve Steps to Forgiveness”1.Write the name of the offender & the offense.• Face the hurt and Hate – write down how you

feel about the person & their wrong.• Face the cross – the cross of Christ makes

forgiveness legally & morally right.


• Neil Anderson’s “Twelve Steps to Forgiveness”1.Decide to bear the burden of each person’s

sin.

Galatians 6:1-2

1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.


• Neil Anderson’s “Twelve Steps to Forgiveness”1.Decide to bear the burden of each person’s

sin.• Decide to forgive (crisis, choice, freedom)• Take your list to God and Pray “I forgive (name) for (list offenses).”


• Neil Anderson’s “Twelve Steps to Forgiveness”1.Destroy the list. You are now free.• Don’t expect your decision to = major

changes with the other person.• Try to understand the people you have

forgiven. They are victims too.


• Neil Anderson’s “Twelve Steps to Forgiveness”1.Expect positive results.2.Thank God for;

1.Lessons learned.2.Maturity gained.3.Decision made.

3.Be sure to accept your part of the blame. Confess your failure to God and others.

Add.. “commitment”

• Help your client to decide/commit to…oNot seeking revenge.oNot dwelling on the offense.oStop bring the offense up.oBe willing to receive new feelings

toward the offender.oCooperate with God


• Help someone with forgiveness: The 4 phases of helping.

UncoveringPhase

DecisionPhase

WorkingPhase

OutcomePhase

Uncovering Phase

• Processing the wrong doing.• Assisting the client in uncovering the

emotional pain, anger, hurt, etc.• Validate their feelings.• Help identify the dysfunctional stuff;

o Barriers to forgiveness, etc.• Education on Forgiveness.

Decision Phase

• Explore the possible damage of unforgiveness.

• Explore the possible positive outcomes of extending forgiveness.

• More forgiveness education.• Assist the client in making a decision.• Go back to the Uncovering phase if

necessary.

Work Phase

• Grieve the pain of the injury.o Pain is the injury to self, betrayal, secondary

losses, etc.• Reframe the wrongdoer.

o The person is more than the wrong done.o Is a person of worthy.o Done without excusing the wrong

• Develop action plan to offer goodwill to the wrongdoer.

Work Phase

• Develop action plan to offer goodwill to the wrongdoer.o Acts of mercy, generosity, moral love, etc.o A plan that keeps the injured safe as to not

allowing a second hurt.o Doable plan (i.e. say hello, wave, etc.)o Reminding to do and not wait on the feeling.

Outcome Phase

• Help the client to realize the emotional relief of forgiving the offender.

• Help the client to realize the personal growth of their decision to forgive.

• Help the client to discover the paradox; as we give mercy, generosity; we feel changed and healed.

• Help client explore ways they can help others.

Forgiving those who are not with us.

• We can forgive those not with us (dead).• Help the client understand that forgiveness

doesn’t not require personal reconciliation.• Use imagery to confront the deceased.• In imagery, switch roles.• Focus on what forgiveness can do for the client.• We are still required to release them and to

forgive them.

Forgiving ourselves

• More difficult due to shame and self-hatred.

• Again, as counselors, emphasize the “will” needed to forgive ourselves.

• The roots of unforgiving ourselves usually being in childhoodo “If I were good enough…daddy would come

home.”o “It’s my fault this happened!”

Forgiving ourselves

• Perhaps the root is in unfinished business with someone who has died.o May need to confess it first.o Then understand God’s forgiveness for it.o Help foster the understanding that Jesus

forgive and expects the same of us, even ourselves.

Forgiving ourselves

• Dr. Seamands suggests these questions:o “Will you right now ask God to give you the

grace to forgive yourself?”o “Will you abandon your strange desire to have

higher standards than God?”o “Will you give up your right to condemn

yourself?”o “Will you ask God for the grace to never again

remind Him of things He says He doesn’t remember?”

Forgiving ourselves

• Points to keep in mind:o No one’s perfect…not even you.o Everyone has regrets.o Your mistake/wrongdoing has been done

before, thousands of times, but countless others.

o You’ve created nothing new.o I’m human…I fail.

Forgiving ourselves (con’t)

• Points to keep in mind:o Habitually blaming yourself means you’re stuck

in the past.o Make amends with yourself and others.o Be kind to yourself.

Forgiving God

• Strange? – He didn’t do nor would He ever do anything to wrong or hurt you.

• Inadvertently we probably have blamed him for:o Hurting us!o Abandoning us!

• Neglected us!• We may even be angry at God.

Forgiving God

• When or if those things are experienced, admitting it is difficult to near impossible for some.

• In their book “Healing the Inner Spirit”, John and Paula Sanford say;

“…it’s not a lack of faith to think such thoughts or a sin to be angry at God…feeling angry itself is sin.”

Forgiving God

• The sin is not to feel it…it’s what we do with the anger that makes it sin or not.

• Our anger says some things, it says…1.We believe in God.• We expect him to be there for us.• At least for the moment, we love Him.

Facilitate this anger with God

• By…o Communicating that God can take it.o Allowing your client to express it.

The “Imprecatory Psalm” Exercise.o Since God hasn’t really done anything wrong,

what does forgiving God mean? Releasing the anger, bitterness & resentment Look at Job 42:2-6

Job 42:2-6

2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. 3 You asked, Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?‘ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. 4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.‘ 5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. 6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”

What about getting Forgiveness?

• Let’s examine “The Prodigal Son”• The Story (Luke 15:10-32)• The steps to obtaining forgiveness for

ourselves.

Steps

• Step 1: Have a purpose.

Luke 15

17 "When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back…

Steps

• Step 1: Have a purpose.• Step 2: Make a plan.

Luke 15

18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20 So he got up and went to his father.

Steps

• Step 1: Have a purpose.• Step 2: Make a plan.• Step 3: Confess.

Luke 15

21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.

Steps

• Step 1: Have a purpose.• Step 2: Make a plan.• Step 3: Confess.• Step 4: Accept Responsibility.• Step 5: Acknowledge the wrong.

Luke 15

21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.

Steps

• Step 1: Have a purpose.• Step 2: Make a plan.• Step 3: Confess.• Step 4: Accept Responsibility.• Step 5: Acknowledge the wrong.• Step 6: Make Restitution.

In getting forgiveness keep in mind…

• Don’t expect or demand a certain response.• Find the right time and place (God’s timing).• Completeness

o Don’t say “If I hurt you…” says “I have…”• Restraint

o Don’t preach or go overboard and blow it.

Forgiveness Tools

• Journaling.• Forgiveness Imagery.• Sharing our FORGIVENES Story.• Ritualize your forgiveness.• Read, tell or share forgiveness stories.

(LOOK EVERYWHERE FOR STORIES)

Video Clips

• 4 Clips of “Spiderman 3”o Clip 1: The wrong by “Sandman”o Clip 2: Spiderman forgives “Sandman”o Clip 3: The perceived wrong of “Spiderman”o Clip 4: Harry forgives “Spiderman”

• What’s You Story? – Brief Sharing!

More Forgiveness Tools

• Reward yourself for forgiveness.• Change the channel.• Express your self.• Act on your forgiveness.• Others? – Share what’s worked for you!

The “How to…”

• Third, know the Stages of Forgiveness!oStage 4: Come Togethero If you can…

Romans 12:18

18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Reconciliation?

• Come together if you can, but remember:oForgiveness is one person.oForgiveness ≠ reconciliation.oReconciliation requires two people.

Reconciliation?

• Come together if you can, but remember:oBoth persons have to be fully invested

in reconciliation.oForgiveness means changing your

thinking about the offenderoReconciliation means a change in

behavior by the offender.

Last Thought!

• A report from the University of Miami and Hope College reminds us of the following:1.Forgiveness is associated with emotional

stability, agreeableness, a focus on others and religious commitment.

• It is aided by apology, restitution, sincere remorse.

• It can be facilitated• Forgiveness is difficult.

Questions/Comments?

Thank You!

306 a williams presentation

Health & Medicine

Transcript of 306 a williams presentation