Millsaps College

■ Inside ■Knowledge for your

pleaasure.

Ertz N Lyfe

VOLUME XXX, NO.2320 (REMEMBER, REMEMBER) 5TH OF NOVEMBER

Future Husbands

Jorts

Who you gonna

call?

Does anyone

actually read

these?

Look inside for

your free sexy

dorm decor!!!

JACKSON, MISISIPPY

THE PAPER

By Meat HeadTroll Star

! is past Saturday dur-ing the Major Sadness con-cert, a mystery student popped the Millsaps bubble.

! e student propped an ab-surdly long ladder against the bell tower and then climbed past the tower’s pinnacle to pop the bubble. ! e unknown student was last seen wearing a Major Millsaps mascot costume and carrying an exceptionally large straw from the Kava House.

President Peargreen imme-diately issued a Code Purple, Millsaps bubble emergency sta-tus, and called in Con Johnway and his very special forces

to capture the student who popped the bubble. “! is is a worst case scenario emergency. Any indication of the outside world could distract Millsaps students from their studies, and they could possibly…want…to leave…” President Peargreen says somewhat hesitantly.! e student has not been identi" ed, but Johnway says, “In addition to fraternity house searches, Millsaps security will be entering every dorm room to patrol for excessive drinking. Anyone found playing beer pong or drinking alcohol too swi# ly will be considered a suspect of this crime.”! e popped bubble has caused strife among the Millsaps

faculty and sta$ , but the popping proves to be an eye opener for Millsaps students.“A# er the concert, I went outside of the Hang Me Dome and saw the sky for the " rst time since we were released for spring break…” says a freshman, “at " rst I couldn’t recall what that big glowing ball was, but then " nally I remembered it was the moon.”Students were shocked to discover that there are other restaurants in Jackson besides Rubens and movies besides the ones featured on Millsaps channel 18. ! ose students who actually read the Purple and White were amazed by the amount of outside news and

newspapers, while students who do not read the Purple and White remained blissfully ignorant.! e bubble’s liquid force-" eld form remains in puddles on the Millsaps campus. Students are advised to not step in the puddles in order to avoid changing colors. Dean Kitty Katz claims, “Well, we constructed the bubble so that it transmits extreme school pride inside the Millsaps atmosphere and keeps, well, everything else out. If a student touches the bubble or its remaining liquid puddles, he or she will surely turn purple.”A# er asking President Pearigen if there will be another bubble

Prohibition pong

By Opossum EmperorTrashcan Si! er

During early February, news of an armed robbery % ooded the Millsaps community. Rumors began surfacing immediately. Hearsay reported everything from there being a gun battle

being a hoax to a hostage situation involving several Millcats. Several Purple and White sta$ members grabbed their voice recorders and hit campus—to get the truth.

Shortly a# er the crime happened, security sent out a urgent campus wide email demanding students lock their doors and be scared. During the following hour, maintenance o& cials appeared on the Southside of campus with wrenches holstered in their tool belts like oily sabers. ! e righteous protectorate of repairmen descended on all the living quarters to double check the locking capabilities on hundreds of doors.

A sense of normalcy returns over the next couple months, as students sit snuggly behind magnetically locking metal doors, but another robbery scheme swirls around the Millsaps bowl like a witch’s brew. A P&W investigator claims that this the# and its perpetrators are operating so guilefully they were able to make o$ with a game many students center their lives around—beer pong.

In order to protect the population from further armed robberies, Millsaps security began a campaign of martial law. ! e objective of their campaign is to eliminate the practice of beer pong and the proliferation of materials

needed for the game. Amid the climate of martial law, sides began to be drawn: on one side security patrols with % ashlights and nightsticks, and Pongers on the other with water " lled Solo cups and a hidden stash of cheap beer to drink when security’s eyes are not watching.

Fraternity home invasion has become a routine occurrence. Security’s martial law is turning into a civil war. Ponger look-outs wearing Secret-Service-style earphones post in strategic positions and radio back to resistance squads when a security raid seems eminent. Rebel leaders initiate guerilla

Pong continued on pg. 9.

*POP*

Student bursts bubble!!

POP continued on pg. 9.

By DiabeetusCat

Good a! ernoon students of Meowsaps. I come to you, heart in paws, asking for your undivid-ed attention concerning a me-owjor problem here on campus.

My feline friends and I are concerned with the lack of proper cat accessibil-ity here on meow campus.

Yes, we may be cute and fun to play with, but we, too, are here to learn, and the meow lack of sensitivity towards our limited physicality is making that di" cult. I may be young in spirit, there is no denying the meowache I get in my joints the days a! er my spin class.

While I enjoy the beautiful hill country of Meowsaps, the entire campus is meow blan-keted with stairs, which come to be a nuisance for my short legs. # e buildings that do have elevators present no call but-ton at my level, which I $ nd to be excruciatingly o% ensive.

Meowsaps is aware of our ador-able presence on campus but they continue to ignore our struggles.

# e stairs are not my only

concern. I have the most dif-$ cult time $ nding food here on campus. When I strut into the Caf ’, I am either brushed out with a broom or swept up into some sorority girl’s arms and fawned over. But, I just want meow to be able to eat in the caf ’ like the rest of the stu-dents. # e Caf ’ workers can al-most never hear when I order at the Grille so I am constantly forced to munch on the cereal dropped by passing students.

# en there are the limited kinds of books I can reach in the meow library. Let me tell you from experience that the dewy decimal system was speci$ cally designed to put the worst pos-sible books on the lower shelves.

No one wants to meow help

me get books either; they are all too concerned with touching my head. Do I pet your hair when you’re meow trying to work? I bombed my core 3 class on ac-count of that wacked system.

I just want to be accepted as any other student. I want to be able to meow walk through the door without it shutting on my tail, I want to be able to go to class without my professors me-owing at me and I want people to stop meow laughing while I try to catch that wretched red dot.

I hope I have appealed to your so! side, Meowsaps. You might see me rolling in the grass and basking in the warm sunlight meow, but know that on the inside I am just a frightened kitten trying

OVERWORKED, UNDERPAIDContact Diabeetus, santogl@millsaps.edu

2

Daytime wrapper... K-Doggz

Major Enthusiast... Hott Lana

# is Could Be You...Brown Girl #1

Layout Babes...Catherine Pereira

Brown Girl #2Stalker...

Diabeetus Q.T...

Brown Girl #1Scrillz Manager..

Juan FernandezTrashcan Si! er...

Opossum EmperorCat Wrangler...

Diabeetus Erts n Lyfe Editor...

MURPURRIne" ciency at its $ nest...

Annuh NashunsJorts Extraordinaire...

Freshy$ ! een PostachildAdvisor...

Woody Woodrick(No, that’s really his name)

Minions... Emmer-Jay

Contraband... Meat Head i-Krizten Derp Morgan Bares Carrot Top

E-mail corrections to Editor-in-Chief Kenya Strong-Johnston, stronkk@millsaps.edu.

# e Purple & White is published weekly.

Disclaimer: Views expressed in articles, letters to the Editor and cartoons printed in the Purple & White do not necessarily re& ect those of the editors, Publications Board, Millsaps College, # e United Methodist Church or the student body. Complaints should be addressed to the Millsaps Col-lege Publications Board. Contact Laura Domingue or Dr. Pat Taylor.

# is is the April Fool’s issue of the P&W. Content included in this issue is not factual and should be taken lightly.

Advertising rates available upon request. E-mail Juan Fernandez at fernajd@millsaps.edu.

# is publication may not be repro-duced in whole or in part without written permission of the Editor-in-Chief.

Letters to the EditorSubmit letters to the editor to the Purple and White at Box 15070 or e-mail Kenya Strong-Johnston,at stronkk@millsaps.edu. Letters should be turned in before 12 p.m. on Sunday prior to the # ursday publication. Anonymous letters will not be published.

PAPER&PAPER&PAPER

THE

MEOWSAPS

For your pleasure: word search

Peeta continued from pg. 6terrain and climate that they are

familiar with.” Crane was then asked if he was suggesting that the Arena might consist of a climate much colder than what most of the student body is used to. “I’m afraid I’ve already said too much,” Crane laughed.

However Crane was able to dis-close that there are already several Arena designs and the $ nal design will not be chosen until days before the tournament occurs. He says, “Each design is being held in an en-tirely separate location in case one of the designs is compromised be-fore the tournament even though I have made sure each one already has the strongest security available.” # e arena could consist of a setting as inviting as a tropical forest or a beach or as unpleasant as a desert or a tundra. # is is where players and audience members alike will see a slight deviation from previ-ous Tribute Tournaments. “For all of the other Tribute Tournaments I have organized the setting and ter-rain has remained constant but for the Millsaps tournament I wanted to incorporate something to ensure that the action never really stopped so for this Tribute Tournament the terrain and climate can change at any time without warning,” Crane reveals.

Compared to other tribute events Crane has organized Millsaps has a fraction of the players that typically compete. “Traditionally, there are twenty-four competitors in these tournaments,” Crane con$ rms. He went on to say that, “Given that there are relatively few players they will each begin the tournament in a di% erent location on the edges of the Arena then race toward the Cornucopia full of food, weapons and other resources. Otherwise, if the eight tributes all began sur-rounding the Cornucopia then we could lose half of our participants within the $ rst $ ve minutes of gameplay. Where would be the fun in that?”

Dear Fishyu,I have recently developed a

jonesing for something more than what the Caf ’

can o! er me, but I don’t have the extra money to spend eating out

at restaurants. What can I do?

Seriously Upset

Dear Seriously Upset,For starters, you can toss away

that negativity and take a look on the bright side. ! e P&W is here to help! ! e term “shame-less self promotion” may come to mind as I enlighten you, but don’t let that deter you from reaching a delicious meal. ! e P&W is chock-full of ways to solve every " rst world problem you may have.

Caf ’ Creations feature cre-ative and easy-to-follow reci-pes specially prepared by fellow

Millsapians. ! ese recipes truly exemplify the Millsaps experi-ence; they are a testament to the fact that, given just the right amount of desperation and cornering, a Millsaps student can whip out one hell of a good product.

Another multi-bene" cial tip I can give to you is to choose a neighboring Caf ’ eater who you truly have no actual relation-ship with, and shadow them as they move throughout their food selection process. Get as close as possible, and order the same thing they do! Don’t wor-ry. ! ey won’t be alarmed like you might think. Studies show that people actually enjoy be-ing followed and " nd it # atter-ing*. One may even go so far as to say they might be really im-pressed with your bold lifestyle and think you are really neat! And always remember, YOLO.

Dear Fishyu," e straws in the Caf ’ and

Kava are too long. What’s up with

that? How can I emotionally cope with something

like this that ru-ins my day, and on

occasion, tears my gums?

Distressed about Dental Care

Dear Distressed,! e only known cure is more

cowbell.

**# ere is no actual basis for this claim

Dear Fishyu: solid advice

? ?

By MurrPurr Ed.

!e recent in"ux of raccoon families surfacing around the north side of campus has be-come a serious problem.

A growing number of stu-dents, frustrated with the situa-tion, have attempted to take the matter into their own hands.

“I got sick of getting my Kava sack stolen, so I lured the little guys o# campus by tempting them with my delicious tuna salad,” says freshman Earnest C. Calhoun.

Unfortunately, the raccoons have returned frightening the masses. Rac-coon hunting and trapping has long been a fa-vorite past time for many Missis-sippians but few know the tech-niques it takes for a successful hunt.

!e Millsaps C o m m u n i t y Enrichment Se-ries has honed in on the grow-ing popularity of this hobby by creating a specially designed course solely dedicated to rac-coon hunting and trapping. !e course, “Fierce Hunting and De-licious Cuisine,” will be taught

by Jim Bob Jones. Jones gradu-ated from Belhaven University with a B.S. in raccoon hunting.

“I’m really excited about help-ing out my community by teach-ing the ethics of coon hunting and how to prepare the delicate

cuisine of raccoons” Jones says. Jones explained that there

will be two separate courses: one speci$cally designed for humane trapping and release and the other for killing and cooking. !e trapping course

use a large cage with food from Kava to tempt the raccoons. !e hunting and cooking course will teach students how to properly sneak up on the raccoons while hunting and then how to pre-pare a delicious raccoon-based dish.

“In the future, I would like to o#er my delicious raccoon dishes for the cafeteria to serve,” expresses Jones.

Information about the groundbreaking course has spread throughout the South. !e popular channel, Raccoon Public Broadcasting, has already begun $lming a documentary

about the course and Jim Bob Jones’ work that is set to premiere Jan 2013. As a general con-sensus, students are relieved that the situation is be-ing handled.

“I’m just happy to know that I won’t have to fear a vi-cious attack while walking back to my dorm” junior Angel-Babyface

Jackson says. !e course will be o#ered May 1 and May 2 from 8-11 p.m with a fee of $45. Stu-dents are encouraged to wear their best hunting gear. For more information contact Jim Bob Jones at LuV2GeTcoOnZ@

ERTZ N LYFEContact MurrPurr, rardimr@millsaps.edu

3

Horror scopes with iKristenz

By Carrot Top

Dear Millsaps,!ere are so many beautiful

fashion fads out there that aren’t being capitalized on and all I can say is that I am disappointed in my campus. Ladies and gentle-man, I am here to answer the silent cry of desperation I see in my peers’ eyes for a leader to sweep them up from their boring cycle of "oral scarves and high-waisted shorts. I am here to help.

First and foremost: that hair. Men, have you misplaced your gel? All that hair swooping across your forehead is cry-ing out to be gelled into the upright in poking position.

Ladies, where have your microscopic clips gone? Ev-eryone respects what a quick cornrow can do on a woman – spending an hour on pain-fully twirling your hair looks professional! Come ON y’all.

Now onto accessories. Gentle-man, please get yourselves an ascot. Where are the classy days of Freddie from Scooby Doo? Now that man had it GOING ON. !e ascot exhumes as much masculinity and attractiveness as a man can possibly contain, just as Freddie did. Ladies, let’s bring back the tattoo choker. Nothing says classy like some-thing tatty – especially when it’s literally on the brink of choking you. !is accessory is particu-larly well done when the hair is up in two buns with the bangs pinned back in complicated pat-terns (as previously mentioned).But seriously, y’all why are the women here not wearing tube

tops? !ey are the perfect piece for a quick out$t – put it on and voila! Out$t equals made. !e perfect accessories for them are not only tattoo chokers (when are those not the perfect accessory?) but also chandelier earrings – you know, like the kind that goes all the way to your shoulders? !ey balance the absence of any form of sleeves. Guys, what has happened to your tight-tees and muscle shirts? Now, I asked a boy this recently, and he told me “What do you mean? My shirt’s so tight right now you can see my six-pack!” Now, besides the absence of a six-pack, this boy had one thing wrong – the only way a shirt is tight enough for a man is when it restricts his lungs from properly getting enough air to walk briskly. But your pants should be the exact opposite – what is with these belts?! Abandon them, my players, and instead wear your pants so low we can see those tighty-whities.But really, what I’m honestly writing this to beg you all to start wearing crocs. And not just crocs. Crocs with socks. !ose, my dear peers, are THE in thing right now. And you’re all walking around in Nike’s, Sperry’s and Chaco’s? I’m humiliated to bring my friends on this campus for fear of them asking me where all the cool people have gone. Please listen to my word. I beg of you.Sincerely,….. April Fools. Please, for the sake of all things good in this world, take none of that advice.

In search of coonz

Fashion

By iKristenzContraband

Aries March 21- April 19Happy birthday, you

head banging psycho! You are entitled to ev-

erything ever.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

As a Taurus, you are notoriously lazy…. Stop calling Reuben’s at 1:25, and no, they

still don’t deliver.

Gemini May 21- June 20

!is month, work on making your alter ego a little edgier. !e @

Millsapsproblem twit-ter page is getting dull.

Cancer June 21 - July 22

Channel your neurot-ic spaciness by follow-ing where it leads… (Yes, the Christian

Center ghost really does know your name.)

Leo July 23- August 22We know you require

inordinate amounts of a#ection and attention,

BUT STOP LOOKING FOR IT IN THE LIBRARY!

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your perfectionist tendencies will sky-

rocket around the 12th and carry you into $nals.

You will clean out your closet, system-atize your binders and notebooks, orga-nize your iTunes library, $nd the perfect pro$le picture, delete all those pre-med and study abroad emails…. and still start your papers the night before they’re due.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22As an insecure peo-

ple pleaser you may put yourself in compro-

mising situations. Get a room in the new dorms for

next semester and try being a recluse.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21April Fools day was

made for you, Scorpio. Go $nd a black Milcat

and use your meownip-ulative powers for evil.

Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21Don’t worry, your spring break hangover will go away soon.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

You are either studying for comps, feeling smug about doing

well on comps, or eavesdropping on

seniors talking about comps and making notes in your planner. !anks for making the rest of us feel normal.

Aquarius Jan 20- Feb 18

Statistics have shown that aliens kidnap Aquarians more

o%en than any other sign. Avoid the bell

tower at all costs this month, and use caution when meeting “prospective students.” However, if you avoid abduction, remember: When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. !en peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. It will be the dawning of your age.

Pisces Feb 19- March 20As a Pisces, you are highly emotional and intuitive, but equally

erratic and illogical. You may $nd yourself

bursting into tears in the Grille line this month, especially on Fridays.

FUTURE HUSBANDS Contact Annuh Nashuns, natioal@millsaps.edu

4

By Morgan BaresContraband

Bacot and Franklin to be Torn Down this Summer

!e North Side of campus will receive a new landmark this summer.

!e Millsaps College admin-istration has decided to tear down Bacot Hall and Franklin Hall a"er numerous problems, complaints and raccoon-related incidents.

Construction for a new cam-pus landmark will begin a"er the buildings are torn down in June. Completion is anticipated in late August.

In place of Bacot and Frank-lin Halls will be a Max Intensity Training facility. !e facility not only be for athletes, but for all students, faculty and sta#. !e MIT facility will feature a thirteen station boot camp course, regulation size boxing ring, TRX bands, rock walls, an Olympic-size swimming pool, yoga studio, cycling classrooms, a spa.

Millsaps administration hopes to have trainers, $tness instruc-tors as well as nutrition counsel-ors available in the Max Inten-sity facility in order to improve

the campus’s overall physical $t-ness and health.

Foolish April, the head archi-tect for this project says, “My team works fast. When there

is high demand and need for a project to be completed- we put it at the top of our priority list.”

!e decision to construct the new landmark was decided by Dr. Peargreen and his architec-tural sta#. Students’ complaints of mold, %ooding, raccoons, and rat infestation urged the admin-istrators to make this change.

Dr. Peargreen tells us, “We felt that Millsaps students deserve

better living conditions, and also more enjoyable campus facilities. We feel that the new, state of the art training facility will satisfy current students as

well as attract perspective students.”

Complaints about Bacot Hall and Franklin Hall have been a recurring problem in the Stu-dent Life and Administration o&ces.

Freshman Whitney Eames tells us “I live in Bacot and can not shower there, sleep, study or live there any longer. It is hard

to walk down the hall without rats scurrying along the %oor or brush my teeth without brown water coming from the faucet.”

Millsaps’ Administration

hopes this new construction will improve living conditions as well as promote extra-cur-ricular options for students.

Exact plans for the training fa-cility are currently in the works. Dr. Peargreen and his admin-istration hope to have them completed and ready for public

presentation early next month. !ey are willing to hear sugges-tions and ideas in order to make this Max Intensity Training fa-cility as good as it can be. Please

email any input to the planning committee at: wouldn’t_this_be_nice@millsaps.edu.

Expose: tuition down the drain

By DerpContraband

Millsaps and !e Caf ’ are joining forces to help lower Mississippi’s number one status as “!e fattest state.” Millsaps recently joined an experiment put on by the Board of Health to improve the food available to students. “Great strides are already being made,” says !e Caf ’.

Multiple changes have been made to o#er healthier choices in !e Caf ’. One change was switching from peanut to vegetable oil used to fry the majority of our food. “It’s made of vegetables,” says !e Caf ’, “it

automatically has to be better for you.”

Another move !e Caf ’ has made is using all organic vegetables harvested for Millsaps’ own roo"op garden, located on the roof of the Academic Complex. A Caf ’ employee visits the garden once every morning to gather materials for the day ahead, along with the long-awaited and

newly-installed chicken coop. “!e chickens are fed

with the le"-over nuggets from the previous night,”

!e Caf ’ says. “It makes them taste more like

chicken.”Lastly, !e Caf ’ has

moved to replace the dessert toppings with healthier and leaner options. “!e main component in the new toppings is polyethylene,” Caf ’

says. “Last time I checked, plastic doesn’t have any

calories.”!e Caf ’ and the Board

of Health are improving the lives of Millsaps students

every day. Millsapians should be aware of the hard work and dedication each sta# member has given to improve the overall health of the campus. As food begins to improve, don’t be alarmed by queasiness as your stomach adjusts to the higher quality.

Better food with better literacy

Diabeetus

FUTURE HUSBANDSContact Annuh Nashuns, natioal@millsaps.edu

5

By HottLana and Annuh Nashuns

Major Enthusiast and Ine!ciency at its "nest

Choosing a target: If you see a hot girl, make a move right away. Also, if the op-portunity arises, be sure to hit on women in groups. One of them is bound to be single, so your chances are high. Plus, if there is more than one single girl, you will have options.

Location: Don’t worry about what people say the conven-tions are, you can hit on a girl anywhere: when you’re working out, when you’re on the job or even in the Walmart parking lot.

If she’s working out, it’s a good time to swoop in, especially if she’s really concentrated. She’ll never see it cuming. You can start o! the conversation by slowly approaching her, jump-ing on the elliptical or treadmill next to her and saying some-thing along the lines of, “I really care about you and your work-out.” Next, start adjusting with the incline on her machine. "at’ll really get her heart racing.

Or, if you’re trying to catch a classy chick, parking lots are always a hot spot. Simply roll down your window and yell, “Ayy gurl.” "at’ll turn some

heads. If she looks back, you know she’s single (or has a boy-friend and is looking for some fun on the side). Ask her to walk over to your car and hop in, of-fering her a cold beer. Drinking and driving is a sure turn-on.

Flattery is the best policy:We all know that #rst impres-

sions are important. Make sure to tell her—or all of them if you decide to hit on a group of friends—that she looks beautiful before even introducing your-self. "en, she’ll feel $attered; you’ll have a foot in the door.

Conversation is key:Just do. Don’t think about

what you are saying before you say it. "inking will make you seem weak. "e last thing you want is for her to think that you have any forethought to your words or actions.

A good way to lead into the ro-mance is to ask her, “What type guy do you normally go for?” "is way, you can mold yourself into that cookie cutter man that is just for her. You can’t go wrong when you make yourself into the man she tells you she loves

If she seems stumped by this question, just probe her until she answers because is she nev-er answers, you’ll never know

who you need to be. Ask questions like, “Well, do you normally like a guys who parties or what?”

If and only if she says that she doesn’t really have a type, then you are free to be yourself.

Also, It never hurts to throw in a disclaimer such as, “Don’t worry I’m not gonna stalk you or anything. I mean I live with my mom, so she’ll call the cops on me before you’ll have to.” Letting her know your position on stalking and/ or past ar-rests and criminal record will put you in the clear.

Guessing games:If you think your age

may seem ambiguous and

deter this lady friend from get-ting to know you, just have her guess your age. It’ll get her en-gaged with what you are saying.

Stay persistent: If you think she seems creeped out or is say-ing things like, “Oh, I think it’s about time to go!,” then capitalize on that. She’s probably just play-ing hard to get, like in the mov-ies. "e more cold she seems, the more she’s trying to cover up the fact that she has the hots for you.

Bros help get hoes:If you have a more attractive,

o!-the-market wing man, just let him do all the work for you. He’ll probably have some good expe-rience since he has a girlfriend.

He can reel her in, chat her up, get her number, and then pass it o! to you.

Sealing the deal: Ask for a ride home. You know what they say, women like to feel needed. She’ll be calling you her man meat in no time.

A facebook friend is a fu-ture girlfriend: If all the above

tactics fail, or especially if it’s a girl you’ve never talked to be-fore, facebook is a sure #re way to get a girl. It’s a good way to get some research under your belt. You can #nd out who she is friends with, what she looked like when she was in the ninth grade and who her exes are.

Remember that girl you had a crush on in fourth grade? It’s never too late to send her a lengthy facebook message pro-fessing your undying love for her. "is usually ends well as long as you tell her that you are willing to wait for her – no mat-ter how long it takes. Make sure that you send it rather out of the blue. Don’t con#rm that she feels the same way #rst. It is better to catch her o! guard. As they say, “Go big, or go home…alone.”

Once you’ve hooked her:Text messages are the best way

to go. Flooding her inbox with

messages about how beautiful and wonderful she is will surely have her wishing you were her man. It’s de#nitely not creepy to point out how much you loved the clothes she was wear-ing when you were watching her from across campus. She’ll know you are admiring her from afar. Plus, she won’t assume that you are stalking her because you have already forewarned her that you are not a stalk-er—see “Coversation” section.

Also, don’t be afraid to get too personal before the #rst date. Asking about aspirations re-garding kids and marriage right o! the bat will let her know that you are serious, especially if you are asking about these subjects via drunk text. She’ll surely be $attered by your eagerness.

Ask her about past relation-ships, especially the ones that ended badly. Get to the root of the troubles. You don’t want to be that guy. Again, this will give the chance to tailor yourself to be the guy for her.

Also, be sure to tell all of your friends that you two are dat-ing. You don’t have to ask her to be your girlfriend or even take her out on a date. If you are texting her all the time, she’ll just know. When word gets back to her that you are her boyfriend, she’ll be speechless.

Getting past !rst base on the !rst date:

Once you have gotten her number and have spent some time pouring out co-pious amounts of af-fection through text message, you can ask her on a date.

Skip the dinner and a movie. A guaran-teed way to win her over is to have her meet you in a vacant parking lot a%er dark, drive her to Wendy’s and buy her a Frosty. Showing that you are frugal is a de#nite turn on. Girls like it when you don’t have the money to buy gas, so you are incapable of picking her up. Also, girls enjoy the simplicity of the dollar menu.

String her along, she’ll thank you later:

Keeping her guessing about your intentions and plans re-

garding her will keep you good as gold. "e right girl will love sitting around waiting for you, postponing further romantic endeavors with any other pros-pects. Plus, good things are worth waiting for, and you are worth waiting for. "is can be her test. If she can withstand a year of wishy-washy indecision and commitment issues, then you know that she is in it for the long haul.

And, if you are on the fence between two, keep them both. "ey are both cute, right? Or they wouldn’t be into you. Girls love a little competition, and who doesn’t love cat #ght? Re-

member, you can have as many girls as you want as long as none of them is your girlfriend.

Your 12-step program to get a girl

PROPOGANDA Contact Opossum Emperor, blairws@millsaps.edu

6

POP continued from pg. 1

constructed around the Millsaps campus, he replied, “Absolutely. !ere will be another bubble force "eld placed around campus by this coming Friday, March 30th. !e students will then be memory #ashed and everyone will forget:

A) that there is an actual Millsaps bubble,

B) that the bubble was popped,

C) that there are other entities besides Millsaps College.”

President Pearigen trailed o$ saying, “Oh and this publication will be burned…”

Pong continued from pg. 1

eminent. Rebel leaders initiate guerilla war songs that cause pongers to scurry into hiding or #ood out the back door like moonshiners at a 1920s speakeasy.

Pongers are becoming more active and less evasive due to a recent spike in organization. !e Purple and White sta$ was able to locate a Pong insider, known to the sta$ only as “Comrade BG”. On entry to the secret Ponger enclave, the pongers pumped a "st in the air and saluted, “Ten more cups till freedom!”

BG gave the Purple and White an interview beneath an upside down Millsaps #ag hanging in his dorm room. BG asks, “What is the correlation between this brutality the administration enforces on our freedom and the violent robbery during the winter!?” BG’s hands tremble with frustration and his "sts pound on the table as he exclaims “!ere is none! Security’s righteous campaign is nothing but oppression!”

Such a climate of controversy

has compelled the Purple and White to go undercover to learn more about this critical situation. Sources that wish to remain anonymous have been suggesting

clandestine sources are at play within the administration. First, many sources, including BG’s testimony, hint toward an underground society of elite prohibitionists.

Conspiracy theorists believe that this anti-beer drinking society has in"ltrated the Millsap’s infrastructure at all organizational levels. It has been claimed that there is a

prohibitionist hand in the a$airs of the student body, housing, intra-fraternal and even security administrations.

While observing extreme

levels of vagueness during the February robbery, several voices have begun speaking out against Security’s martial law campaign. Among them is Anna Molly, who is self-described as a champion of beer pong tables campus wide.

Molly demands reparations against the actions of the Elite Prohibitionists, who Molly feels is a concrete and visible organization.

!rough bouts of frustrated rants, Molly hypothesizes, “!e robbery was a hoax. It was merely a plot by the prohibitionists to provide a cause for Security to oppress our rights for alcoholic gaming.”

May it be true that a shadowy elitist organization is puppeteering the administration? !e Purple and White’s investigation on this matter will continue with diligence. !e sta$ is currently retracing all it’s investigation back to the day of the robbery, and the hearsay of conspiracy theorists seem to be gaining probability.

Could it be true, as witness Joe Fernando claims, “I was at the scene of the supposed robbery, at the supposed time it was happening, as the email claims; but, I saw nothing. !is leads me to think that the Prohibitionists instigated this whole event. I bet that they orchestrated the whole robbery, maybe they just paid someone to act like they got robbed, to give Security a tiny bit of justi"cation for fraternity home invasion.”

By Emmer JayMinion

Due to the popularity and success of Suzanne Collins’ New York Times best-selling book !e Hunger Games and its newly released cinematic adaptation, Millsaps is proud to introduce the First Annual Tribute Tournament. !e pro-gram will closely resemble the

book’s premise and ideology but instead of competing for a life time of riches students will be competing for a full scholar-ship.

All students will be required to submit their names once to the lottery from which players or “tributes” will be chosen. Stu-dents who submit their name more than once will receive "%y dollars o$ of their meal plan for

each extra submission. One man and one woman will be selected from each graduating class to serve as trributes. Of course, unlike the novel, students will not actually be killing their peers. Instead state of the art virtual technology will be used so that players’ actions are only imitated. Tribute Tournament Director Seneca Crane explains, “!e eight players will enter the

simulation in an undisclosed location to prevent any tamper-ing with the event and protect the contestants. !e tourna-ment will then be projected on a screen located in the Bowl.”

!e Tribute Tournament will push participants to their physi-cal and psychological limits forcing them to rely on their survival instincts. Two weeks prior to the tournament play-

ers will have to undergo physi-cal "tness tests and endurance training. Tributes will also take enrichment classes on edible plants, camou#age and hunting as the Arena could present a va-riety of obstacles. When asked how contestants should prepare for the Arena, Crane replied, “Tributes should not expect a

Article=swell, Fhoto=RllyAwesome

TEAR 4 UR FREE PEETA DORM DECOR

Peeta continued on pg. 9.

5. UCLA’s sh*t hit the fanIn 1958, to UCLA fans, the

Tommy Trojan statue was the

most targeted landmark on USC’s campus. ! e statue was defaced so o" en USC hired an all-night student watch, along with the purchase of 24-hour surveillance cameras. To avoid the college’s new security, a group of UCLA students rented a helicopter with the idea of un-loading a few hundred pounds of manure onto Tommy Trojan below. However, with the excep-tionally high speeds of the heli-copter blades, when released, the manure was propelled upwards and back# red into the faces of the UCLA students. ! ough this prank was a failure, their ef-forts must be honored, earning UCLA the #5 spot on the list.

4. Dateline’s To Catch a Predator

USC’s 2006 basketball star, Gabe Pruitt, fell victim to the

prank of a group of U.C. Berkley fans wanting a win for their home game against USC. ! e group of Cal fans made an Internet alias, a good-looking girl from UCLA named Victoria. A" er forming an online relationship, Pruitt agreed to meet with her once

he returned to LA, sending her a message that read, “I want to c u so bad.” Halfway through the game Cal fans began chant-ing “Victoria” and shouting out his phone number, causing him the utmost humiliation and an 11 point loss in the game.

3. Tech’s Train WreckIn 1898, any opposing team of

Auburn’s would arrive to campus by train. For close to a century Auburn greased up the station platform the night before a game against Georgia Tech. With greased tracks catching no trac-tion, the locomotive carrying all Georgia Tech fans $ ew past its stop year a" er year. Adminis-tration threatened expulsion to

all of those who continued to grease the platform from then

on, which led the students to create a substitute form a school spirit, an annual pep rally titled the “Wreck Tech Pajama Party.”

2. Go Harvard?In 2004, during the Yale-Har-

vard football game, a group of Yale students dressed in Harvard Pep-Squad attire complete with

fake student ID’s. ! ey issued out placards cards, convincing the fans of their opponents the let-ters would spell out “GO HAR-

VARD.” When the unknowing Harvard students raised their cards to cheer, the words “WE SUCK” were seen throughout the stadium, giving Yale the #2 spot in the ranking for top pranks in college sports history.

1. ! e Infamous Rose Bowl Hoax

Cal Tech pulled Yale’s trium-phant prank 43 years prior, but on an even greater scale.

In 1961, Cal Tech, though

without an o% cial football team, hosted the event that signaled the end of the college football season, the Rose Bowl. A group of 14 Cal Tech students, deemed the “Fiendish Fourteen,” decid-ed to play on the irony and alter the University of Washington’s hal" ime show during that year’s game. One student from the group dressed as a high school reporter and interviewed a Uni-versity of Washington cheer-leader, # nding that by merely al-

tering the instruction sheets the crowds of Husky fans would dis-play any pattern the 14 wanted without realizing it. When the hal" ime show began, the # rst 11 card collages went accord-ing to plan, giving the fans and all those watching on national television a false sense of nor-mality. ! e 12th collage, meant to display the husky mascot, re-sembled more of a beaver. ! e 13th collage had the word “HUS-KIES” spelled backwards, which was taken as a mistake. But on the 14th collage the cards in the stands spelled out “CALTECH” # rst sending Husky fans into a silent state of confusion, fol-lowed by roars of laughter and cheering from the opposing team. It will forever be the most remembered prank in sports history, giving it the title of #1 on many top sports pranks lists.

Editor’s Note:! ough these events may be

humorous, they actually hap-pened. ! ey really did, for real. No jokes here, promise.

Top 5 pranks in college sports historyJORTSContact Freshyfi fteen Postachild, toomuchfroyo@millsapscaf.edu

7

What sports did you play when you were younger?

During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take o& his skate and try to stab somebody.

What would you say your greatest talent is?

Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey. I wasn’t really the greatest skater though. But that didn’t stop my dad from teaching me the secret of smacking his great-est slap shot.

Has this talent helped you in any other sport?

Oh, man. ! at was so much easier than put-ting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.

What made you interested in playing at the Pro Golf Tour?

I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kick-ing a**!

How does golf di" er from ice hockey?Golf requires goofy pants and a fat a**. You

should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer... huge a**. If saw my-self in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own a**.

Major Athlete:

Classi# cation: 7th year seenya

Sport/Position: Golf and Ice Hockey

Happy

Gilmore

By Freshy!"een Postachild Jean Shorts Extraordinaire

Head track and !eld coach, Randy Phill, caught word of a somewhat recent Welsh sport growing in popularity, the Man vs. Horse Marathon.

"ough not technically a marathon, as the route is only a little over 22 miles in length, Phill was eager to get his Ma-jor Runners signed up and ready to participate to com-pete on the rough terrain.

“One of my closest friend, Huw Lobb ran in the event in 2004,” says Phill. “He was telling me all about it when he visited the states over spring break. "e !rst thing I thought of was to sign my runners up to compete.”

Freshman Sally Smith echoes her coach, “I think that the competition will be a great way to continue training for the Millsaps cross country and track seasons as the year ends and the summer begins. Plus, it gives the athletes a chance to do something we love in a completely di#erent way, run-ning in a whole new environ-ment competing against horses instead of people,” she says.

"e event began in 1980 when

Gordon Green, a local pub owner in Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales, overheard two of his customers arguing. One of the men claimed that a human could outrun a horse on any given day of the year if the distance was long enough. Green decided to put this man to the test and organized the !rst MVH Marathon, avail-able for public viewing.

In 1982, when women started joining the race, the course was amended giving the contestants a more level playing !eld.

In 1985, cyclists were al-lowed to join the race, result-ing in the !rst man to beat a horse. British cyclist Tim Gould beat the !rst horse by a mere three minutes.

However, Phil’s close friend, Lobb was the !rst man to win on foot, show-ing Gould up 15 years later, earning a prize of $31,786.40.

Also in 2004, 500 run-ners and 40 horses com-peting in the marathon, the race’s highest num-ber of competitors yet.

In 2007 runners outpaced the !rst horse by up to 11

minutes. "ough in 2011, the race had many experienced hors-es and riders, giving the horses the overall win for that year.

"e 2012 marathon will be held in the traditional area of Llan-wrytd Wells, Wales on June 9.

Senior Ricky Reuben states, “We have decided as a team that if any one of us wins the money, half will be dispersed among all the philanthropies represented on the Millsaps College campus. "e remaining half will go to the craziest cross country/ track and !eld/ MVH road trip party ever.”

With the encouragement of Phill, the Millsaps Cross Coun-try and Track and Field teams are holding tryouts to partici-pate in the marathon open to all Millsaps College students. Try-outs will be help on April 1 in the Millsaps College horse stables located directly behind the HAC.

When the !nal Millsaps MVH team has been chosen, practice will be held until the team trip to Wales June 6-11.

Man vs. Horse Marathongallops into Millsaps

JORTSContact Freshyfifteen Postachild, toomuchfroyo@millsapscaf.edu

7

Millsaps Cross Country star Sally Smith begins training early in hopes to be the first woman ever to beat the leading horse across the finish line.