I’m still laughing at you helping your friend in the “love life” area by suggesting an upscale matchmaking service.

I do not understand what is so funny about that.

It was when you drew the analogy to using the service like you would a headhunter. Finding a job …

finding a partner. With you, it’s all the same.

Not exactly. Headhunters are typically used for high-level positions. People are looking for ideal career opportunities, not just a job.

Fine, but that doesn’t change the point I was making.

But, with both searches, it is critical to be non-emotional. And, to have realistic expectations – of yourself, as well as the other party. Having a service involved hopefully gives you a non-emotional advisor.

You really don’t place any value on emotions, do you? Anyway, I still remember the first time I heard you

use the words “relationship” and “non-emotional” together. It was when we taught at KIPP Houston High School. I just shook my head in disbelief. In fact, I still do whenever you bring it up in speaking engagements. Relationships are all about people. And people have emotions!

Yes, I know. Scientists have found that a little emotion is necessary to make good decisions, but that too much emotion is not good. It just complicates things.

Now you’re bringing in scientists? How unromantic can you get?

Exactly. It is about approaching romance by thinking about what you are looking for in a relationship. It is about setting yourself up for success.

Uh, how about starting with being “in love”? Or, at least being “in like”.

Obviously, there must be a connection. But, what do you think keeps all those feelings going as time passes?

I feel like you’re setting me up with a trick question. But fine … what immediately comes to mind is having

mutual interests, enjoying each other’s company, being able to laugh together.

That sounds like “compatibility” to me. And, should also extend to “bigger” things – such as long-term goals, financial attitudes, and values and priorities. I am not saying they have to be identical, but they need to be compatible.

This is where being able to talk with the other person and hear what that they have to say is so important. To try to

understand what’s truly important to the other person.

I understand what you are trying to say, but remember … talking is different from communicating, and hearing

is different from listening. And, to further complicate things, words and actions do not always match.

No kidding! It’s a lot of work. Especially when things aren’t going well or there’s a difficult situation

to manage. Then it’s even more critical! But all of these things just evolve and “play out” when you’re in a relationship. There’s no way to know any of these things at the front end. That’s why feelings are so important.

I disagree. As long as you believe “feelings” are a more important measure, you will not give the non-emotional considerations the attention they deserve. And, was why I suggested my friend approach dating in a more “business-like” manner.

I wouldn’t even know where to start.

You start by talking to yourself … and honestly trying to determine what, in a relationship, will make you happy. My marriage to Larry failed because he wanted me to make him happy, but I do not think he even knew what would make him happy. The bottom line is you cannot expect someone else to make you happy. Only you can do that.

But even you must admit that the other person contributes to that happiness.

Absolutely. Which is why trying to understand the other person, and determining your compatibility, is so

critical. And, to see them as who they really are, not who you want them to be ….

Years ago, you said something that has stuck with me. We were talking about relationships, but it’s

affected many different aspects of my life. You told me, “Expect reality, not perfection.” I’ve found that to be so true, though I have to admit that it’s not always easy to remember, especially if I’m tired or stressed or, to be honest, just want things my way. But, when I remember to keep the little things in perspective, everything is so much better.

Sounds rather pragmatic. Maybe you prefer that word to non-emotional.

Spoken like a true Vulcan.

RED & BLACK ... A Vulcan Valentine

Tina “Red” Pennington and Mandy “Black” Williams are sisters and co-authors of “What I Learned About Life When My Husband Got Fired!” The informative, entertaining book dis-cusses values, priorities,relationships, financial literacy, and much more.

For more information on Red & Black, please go towww.RedandBlackBooks.com.

JHVFebruary 8, 201823 Shevat 5778

Volume CXNumber 49

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